Life on my own! - DivorceBusting.com

Hello everyone....I've been away for a little while...I guess just trying to get through days...it will be 3 years since the bomb in June...time to get it through my thick head that he's done with me..

I was doing pretty well and then gloomy weather hit and into a depression I went...the lonliness, the crying, just struggling.

H has made it clear at this point that we are done..actually sent me an email saying we've reflected long enough and the kids need closure..more of a business letter than anything..he can never call me about it, always has to email me. I did end up calling him and I didnt cry..I don't know why maybe I'm in a fog myself...

I go to bed usually early, wake up several times in the night, have nightmares, etc..not healthy at all..I do know we're done but I just can't get to that point of acceptance.I don't understand why.

H has basically made a whole new life w OW..he says he is happy. He lives with her and her daughter. never sees his own kids, which I still don't get, but he will tell me that it kills him not to have a relationship with his kids..pretty much blames me for not having that. I have NEVER kept my H from his kids...EVER! More has happened and my girls say that there dad is getting back at me somehow..I don't know..

I have texted my H to let him know I really need money..I cant keep above water and he just ignores my texts...now he just texted me and said he'll call me tonight...I guess I'm kind of afraid of the call...I know he will call and say we just need to move forward with the divorce..I'm not emotionally ready to hear that..I know it's inevitable and I guess I just better put my big girl panties on and just get through it..

He has told me he is happy with his new life, and that he wants his relationship with his kids. He wants it all and I almost see it as he's won..I know that sounds like all crap but it's what you feel...you feel as if you've been defeated.

I have no fight left...he will be able to get the attorney and get what he wants, I will just have to agree because I don't have money for an attorney...I was able to talk to one over the summer but she needs $3000...i don't have it. H can get an attorney through his job for really cheap..

I guess it's not MLC after all, just a H who got tired of his wife and walked out...he ran, never tried.

He somehow can look me in the eye when he does see me, with confidence, and assurance. I know he sees pain in mine..I realize I've hurt chances, but I've tried, really I have..It's just not as easy as it seems...

Sorry to vent, haven't in a while...just a little down..

It seems that most of the MLCer's are in counseling..my H wanted nothing to do with it...said, he wasnt going anywhere with me, and I was who he always thought I was...someone tell me what that means..

I put my family first...I stayed home and took care of everything...he knows that...

Treese I am sorry to hear you so down but you know I have always felt your h was similar to mine. He just walked and never looked back, refused c but set up mediation for his kids, they in turn refused to go.
So 10 years on and he has only in the last 2 years made contact with them !!. Seen his d 3 times for a few hours each time,she only agreed to this because she had a child and did it for him.
Like you I will never understand the whys and how but I eventually had to agree to the D because of financial reasons. I was forced to let go and it was a good thing because I think I would never have done it.
I was a SHM too,married 31 years and been together since childhood.
He remaried (the A partner) says he is happy and moved abroad has a new life completely. We have had no communication in 7 years proper I did let him know he had a g/son. First person I told crazy after all that time.
You will get through this but you must stop looking for answers or reasons because there probably are none. I did this till it drove me crazy.
Please make sure you look after yourself financially,treat it as purely business and beg borrow or steal the money to get the legal help you need.

I so understand how you feel.maybe they are the men they always were but we overlooked much because we loved them and life chugged along.
Take care of you and your kids. They must decide if they want a relationship with their dad. My d said after the first meeting it was like a stranger visiting,looked like her dad but he wasn't.
Like you I never ever prevented them seeing him,he says I did but now he says he didn't want to be rejected again?
My heart knows the truth and that is all I need to know.

(((((((Treese)))))))
I think there are ways that he can be compelled to pay your legal expenses, but I don't know them. Even thought the lawyer to talked to needs money, I'd try to talk to her once more, and ask what your options are.

Don't give up on yourself! I won't, either!

I dont know if you work but maybe legal aid could help with someone to represent you???? breaks my heart to see your pain I know it all too well....3 yrs for me as well.....mine is going before the judge on Wed. for child support.....I think mine is happy as well with his NEW LIFE, while we barley scrape by on what I make...but you know what, God has always provided for me and our daughter...we have never gone to bed hungry... had a roof over our head and clothes on our back and a clear conscience and anything else I have needed...as NAEJ said I know the truth....

Treese,
Only a very few MLCers will go for counseling and that is generally to please the spouse and then off they go to do their own thing. Those that are sincere are the ones very, very close to finishing their crisis.

As for your h, let him go completely. This means physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. He's been gone a long time and now you have to completely cut the ties and allow man/child to live out his fantasy w/the ow. You need to take care of yourself and your children. You have a daughter who is getting married and she needs your attention and support.

You need to start thinking like a single woman and plan out your future w/o him. If he should reappear at some point, that is when it will be up to you as to what you want. However, for now, let him go and look to your future and the future of your children for now.

P.S. DO NOT TAKE OWNERSHIP FOR THE BLAME HE'S SHOVELING ON TO YOU ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP W/HIS CHILDREN.....THIS IS HIS PROBLEM!

Thanks everyone....

I texted H yesterday about talking about the finances and how I really need some financial help..He actually texted me back and said he was going to call me later in the evening...
So, guess what? LOL.... He didn't call, now that's shocking??NOT! He texted me to tell me he was still at the office, which was probably a lie too, and that he didn't think he could get any money...I did not answer him....I will now do what I have to do....for Heaven's sake we have a daughter getting married and it's not free...
Really as far as me GAL...I have...I do lots of stuff now..it's just the days that the memories come racing in...I do want to keep the memories, I just have to learn HOW to do that without letting it take over my life...

OW can have him right now...they are together because of lies. and one of these days it will come around...

My d23 asked me last night if her dad knew she didn't want him to bring OW to her wedding...I told her that I had mentioned it to him but she would have to tell him herself as I don't talk to him. She doesn't want drama and I respect her decision...I am not bringing anyone either...this is her day...it's not about us or our problems...she deserves the attention..

It will be okay...I know...

Treese - I've been wondering about you. I'm so sorry to hear that things are not better for you. I know we both thought when we found this place that we would be able to reclaim our marriage and our spouses.....but it looks like that that is not meant to be. Instead, we must reclaim ourselves, our lives and our futures. It is so hard for me to accept that I will not get answers, but I know that is what I must do. Are you on the alt?

As a matter of fact I am on the Alt! Just did it last week....still learning the ropes....are you?

yes she is, are you a fan of divorce busting?

Quote:

Hi HB....

So why is it that my H....who said he wanted to be on his own, not married to me anymore...wanted to get his own place so he could have the kids over...which never happened....why did he go straight to OW and move in with her if he so wanted to be alone or at least on his own...that...I don't understand?

I haven't seen him in 6 weeks...a text here and there, my son is scheduled for surgery on the 23rd and I had texted H that he NEEDED to help me because I have to go to work also or we wont survive...he said, "just let me know"...I'm scheduling the surgery, trying to schedule relatives to help w my son so I dont have to ask H....it's nothing to H cause like always, I'm taking care of it all....

I don't really care to see H right now, really and truly, I just think it crosses my mind at odd times...I did have a few bad crying days last week but I was also worried about finances, kids, wedding, graduation, etc....everything that requires cash that H says he can't get....

At this point I don't know what is going to happen except probably the divorce...he tells me most times that he talks to me that we need to move forward with it...Im doing NOTHING to help him....he can pay for it all and do all the work...I will not even go to the courthouse...my attorney said she would stand in for me that all I have to do is sign papers before she goes...of course she said we will make sure we agree before it is all done...I do really like her....

anyhow, sorry to ramble....thanks for all your input...

It's ok about the rambling, but do you realize you hijacked Round2's thread? Your misery is such that you weren't paying attention to where you were, and I feel for you deeply. I dragged your post over to your thread to answer it.

I hope Round2 will come by, she is new in this and a sweet lady.
She is in a similar situation.
There are some things in this mess we will never understand, and among those are the motivations of a MLC'er.

Quote:

So why is it that my H....who said he wanted to be on his own, not married to me anymore...wanted to get his own place so he could have the kids over...which never happened....why did he go straight to OW and move in with her if he so wanted to be alone or at least on his own...that...I don't understand?

He one confused puppy, doesn't really KNOW what he wants, Treese.
Plus the fact that when their lips are moving, nine times out of ten, they are LYING; mainly again, because THEY don't really know WHAT they want. The confusion is really deep within them; nothing you can do to help him.
He is guilty as sin, and he said one thing and did another; common for a MLC'er to do.
You learn to listen to nothing they say, and watch half of what they do...it's ALL confusing.
OW is a way to distract him from his issues; and for now until such a time as when he MIGHT wake up, you'll have to do what you need to do for yourself, and learn to live a life without him.

He thinks that getting this divorce is going to end his pain; he doesn't know that it won't. He'll find that out when the divorce finalizes if it goes that far. Or he won't; but again, you can do NOTHING to help him now.

You have to let him fall and bump his head; and see how things go; in the meantime, get your journey started to see what needs to be dealt with within YOU. You MUST detach and distance from his drama, such as it is, and work on YOU.

Listen to what Snodderly is telling you; she's been there, dealt with it; and it was not easy for her either at first.
It never is for anyone who's been put in this position.

This is a lady of great strength, and you CAN reach the same place she is in, Treese, I promise you can.

I cannot say I've been there with the divorce issues; I came close, but it didn't happen. Doesn't mean I couldn't have gone there if my husband had wanted that.

There was a time during this that I came to realize that I would be all right, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED....and you will, too.

Give this time, much prayer, give yourself some TLC; you deserve it.

Detach, distance, begin work on YOU..leave him alone, and that means learning to let go and let God work within the situation.
His time is not our time, and in time, you'll feel better about yourself.

When people do things to others it has NOTHING to do with the person it's done to, but a problem with the person who commits the act.

What your husband is doing has NOTHING to do with YOU; Treese..HE is HIS problem, don't make him yours.

I know you're still grieving, and still trying to understand; and that also takes time to get through.

I honestly feel your pain, Treese.

((((((((((Treese)))))))))))))

Treese

Just popping in to say hi! Hang in there my friend! BTW I am on the alt too. Tried to look you up but no luck yet!

Y

OMG!!! I'm so sorry for hijacking....I'm so caught up in this crap that it's all running together...SORRY ROUND2....

YOu all give me great advice now I just have to bang my head and start listening...I have gotten a life...so much more than I ever used to...I am having fun with my kids and planning the wedding...and I am working on me....I know I did my share in the fall out of the marriage so I am working hard are making me a better me... I am learning to do soooooo much....I feel more independent every day.

I've been praying basically thanking God for everything I DO have.....You are right...I will be Okay....

I will see H on Friday, our son has an important doctor visit...please keep him in your prayers also....

Take Care & Thank you so much for being here....

MAAAAAAAA!!!!I've missed you sooooo much.....

I'm on the alt but don't talk about here on there because of my kids....you can find me I'm easy to find...looking for you too...
Terisa

LOL Treese...

You cannot hi-jack your own thread.

Glad life is going well for you. : )

Missed you too. I dont mix the 2 there either! Will try again to find you!!

Y

LOL....I meant hers....lol...

I think I just found you on the FB.....woohoo.....

Is your pic a baby pic?

I'm new to it so I'm a little slow....

Thanks for checking in Jack....

Cant find you.....trying...

Hi Treese,

I think it was all right to hijack R2's thread; she never said anything about it.

You can find me on the alt, too, screen name is spelled out; I have a regular account there, also, but keep them separated.

My time is limited, but I'm attempting to keep up as I can.

I'd kept checking back here for you, was getting a little worried; but understand you're busy, too; knew you were ok.

I don't mind listening to vents, helping people sort things out; have been there, done that too, myself...and it helped to have someone who will listen.

Venting is also part of the purging/healing process gone through as we pass through one stage to another in our lives; we learn, purge and heal one stage at a time.

The answers are within YOU..you learn to access those within; and sometimes as you get it all out, the answers for you will come; and you see/hear them as you "talk it out."

When you keep it all in your head; it has a tendency to look MUCH worse than it does when you throw it all out on the table to be looked at.

Do something nice for yourself..it doesn't have to be something elaborate; but something for YOU to help you to feel better about yourself...you cannot control what happens, but you can take care of yourself; going on with your life...as this, too, shall pass in time.

Much love,
HB

Thanks HB....I will look for you on the Alt......

I just don't speak of the forum....I keep it totally seperate...

Terisa

Treese --- checking in on you. Haven't seen you on the alt yet........I've been struggling, but finally detaching in a big way----and it feels pretty good. We CAN do this---he** we have been doing this.......hope you have a fun weekend planned. I have more snow on the way

Hey Di....I've been looking for you on the Alt...I cant find you...I found some others though..I'll keep looking....I didn't make a seperate one...I'm just keeping it separate from here...
My weekend will be uneventful...son has science fair project due and hopefully getting ready for tonsilectomy...we go to the hemotologist today....say an extra prayer...

Terisa

I am on the alt under my original DB identity..........I'll see if I can get you any more hints.

Quote:

Hey Di....I've been looking for you on the Alt...I cant find you...I found some others though..I'll keep looking

Who did you find?

Treese, di is a friend of mine. Remember when she started, she was dianamo?

OldPilot.... are you there also....I need to look on VH's friend list...Terisa

You are friends with VH?

So am I.