Last entanglement in Paris - DivorceBusting.com

Threadlock has always coincided with some change so I can't help but wonder what is changing.

The "Last entanglement" is the house. X and I have struck a deal through which I will buy her out and take posession. She and OMH will build or buy something that better suits their needs. The house is literally one block from my workplace. Sweet

An appraisal has been ordered and I fear the house will not appraise as high as X expects, affecting how much cash she will recieve. A lot can still go wrong in this.

If it does happen the kids and I will be in the house and she will be the one on the outside, a perfect role reversal of my experience of the past three years.

Karma

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Threadlock has always coincided with some change so I can't help but wonder what is changing

I think you answered your own question. Your moving back into your house. Seems like a pretty big change to me. Good luck with that, I hope it all works out for the best.

Sleeper,
Do you think this will bring up difficult memories, too?

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Do you think this will bring up difficult memories, too?

Maybe, maybe not. I've had plenty of difficult memnories come up on their own while I have lived in two apartments.

This isn't a done deal. X and I have already had a misunderstanding which resulted in some conflict this afternoon. I was ready to say to heck with it and in fact told her a couple of times to put it on the market.

She called back late this afternoon and we worked things out. As I told her no real estate deal is "done" until the papers are signed. This one is no different in that respect.

Only time will tell if this one happens.

Good news!

Both I and X and OMH have qualified for the necessary loans making it possible for me to buy her out and her and OMH to build a house of their own. The next step is the appraisal on the old homeplace. X has a dollar figure she "must have" for this deal to go through that is dependent upon the apprasial. If it all works it will mean our kids will stay in the house they have lived in for the past 5 years and no longer live in an apartment 50% of the time.

There are many other benefits of this going through to both of us that I have not the time to mention. If the appraisial falls short AND she is ridged we will all suffer. My fear is that she will be selfish and not see that truth.

Prayers will be greatly appreciated.

You got 'em.

praying for you.....

I too got to remain in my home after I bought ex out.

It has brought me peace and I have made new memories.

I hope this works for you

Thanks girls,

This would be so good for so many if it happens.

Our kids could stay in their home and at their present schools.

I would be two blocks from my workplace.

The kids would still live six block from X's workplace.

The house is large enojgh that I could move my elderly (87) mother in with me and the kids, getting her out of a deteriorating neighborhood.

The kids love their "Na-Na" and they could be together the maximum time of what she has left.

I hope it all works out.

If the kids could help care for and spend time with their "Na-Na" it will really help when she's gone. At least it was for my D's.

Thinking of you.

HUGS

I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I hope everything works out for all of you!

Wondering how you're doing.

I hope all is well.

Hello all,

I'm doing well. I'm way over the emotional hump. The real estate deal is going better than I could have ever imagined:

I'm putting nothing down (have nothing to put down to get into any other house).

There is no real estate agent involved so no fees

X wants to leave a lot of the furniture and all of the appliances

Kids will stay in the same schools

My lease expires exactly when I will take posession of the house

I told my mother today this can't all be by coincidence.

Sleeper, I am just happy for you so that you can have a nice place to live.

Over the past month or so I've had some insights into the sitch with my X and whatever has been going on with her the past three years.

Several weeks ago in what little bit of negotiations we had over me buying the house back from her she verbalized a fear that she would "get screwed". She went on to mention several people in her life that have "screwed" her financially, sadly some were related to her, all are male. I asked her, "Have I ever screwed you?" to which she said, "no". The truth is that everyone who has commented on our D believes I was the one who was "screwed".

This explains her hard-nosed and aggressive additude as she felt that was the only way to protect herself. My Counselor alluded to this years ago as he said he believed I was catching the grief for every man in her life who had ever done her wrong, including nameless and faceless men who had not held the door for her at the grocery store.

In qualifying for the loan a rediculous financial burden was discovered in the official record that neither I, X or my lawyer knew had made it into the judgement. This had to be amended and signed by a judge before closing on the house. I informed X of the sitch and offered to have my lawyer draw up the necessary papers and take the necessary action. She agreed.

Today my L instructed me to learn X's new legal name since remarriage for the papers. I asked X and learned she has not changed her name but still has mine. When I took the papers by X's workplace to be signed (gopher is on of my many talents) I showed X where to sign (twice) and then proceeded to tell her what she had just signed. She said, "You don't have to explain, I trust you." You could have knocked me down with a feather.

I had to go by one additional time later in the afternoon (we've had lots of contact this week and postponed closing for one week due to complications). I called her by my last name (Ms. Sleeper). She smiled.

Many who knew us may have said I was foolish in the D settlement, others may have said I fell on my sword for her. My daughter, wise beyond her years, shocked me once by verbalizing her observation that mommy got the better vehicle, the house and the business. I now know in my heart I did the right thing. In that I find contentment with the choices I have made.

Sleeper, I find it somewhat interesting that your X chose to keep her name, although many women want to have the same name as the kids.

"including nameless and faceless men who had not held the door for her at the grocery store." Well, get on it then, Sleeper!! =)

I'm glad that you feel a sense of peace with where things came out w/D.

As you mentioned, your X's new M is not likely to last. If she does not have some great skills, she may well be in a lot of trouble in her later years. Women have to consider different financial situation because we live longer and typically earn less. What I have seen is that some women stay because they cannot make it on their own very well.

The big day has finally arrived.

We go to closing this afternoon. It hasn't been a totally smooth road as X is not getting as much cash as she had hoped (really adamantly required when we first discussd the deal). I recieved a small but fairly potent dose of spew Sunday am on the phone. It started with my failings as a father but moved on to my failures in the marriage, my wrongheadedness in the divorce/separation, and my failure to do enough to make this deal go through, not meeting her halfway. Conclusion; she was having a really bad morning and needing someone to vent upon as OMH was out of town.

Considering there is no down payment on my end, no realtor's fees on hers and the kids will get out of an apartment and stay in the house they have lived in for the past 5 years it's awesome for all!

One observation that has come from this is that X is a very goal-driven person. Once she decides to do something you are either with her or against her. I did not facilitate nor obstruct the D as I felt it was her choice. In retrospect this made any reconcilliation betwen us even less likely as she saw me as someone who was against her because I was not helping her achieve her goal. My lack of assistance was seen by her as obstruction.

My counselor made the observation and often commented that I was, "danged if I did and danged if I didn't." That has been true in almost every interaction with her.

"Got dang"?

sleeper
I am happy for you
Good luck today
peace

Sounds like a possible case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

You don't sound like you're really bothered by the spew anymore, which is great!

Sleeper, I too am happy for you. And in a similar sort of situation with a similar sort of entanglement and similar sort of response! As we have been most of our respective journeys.

At this point, there are many folks whose stories I want to continue to follow, and yours is one. Please do continue to post.

Let's see, what are the chances?

My first wife was diagnosed as having a "personality disorder".

Counselor says X has a "borderline personality".

Might I have repeated a pattern?

Somebody just shoot me.

Please.

We do tend to repeat patterns. I guess knowing what they are is a good start.

I am working through a book to do exactly that. It makes me realize that R w/X maybe wasn't as good as I had hoped.

What is the name of the book, if you don't mind my asking?

Uhh...I am wondering if I am allowed to say on these boards or if it'd be seen as advertising.

Do a little Googling on getting past divorce.....

Closed on the house Tuesday.

Im now their landlord.

Weird.

de de de de....de de de de....de de de de....

...."at the signpost up ahead...."

Good for you Sleeper.

Bill

Alright!

Checking on sleeper

How are things, Sleeper?

I'm better

I was thinking today would I wouldn't take her back if she wanted to reconcile.

On the other hand I've also thought what was I thinking by holding out any hope of reconcilliation the first couple of years?

Sleeper, I understand what you're saying, but I am glad that I tried these things. For one, they enabled me to learn and grow as a person. For another, I can honestly know that I did my best.

We're in the same place again. It wouldn't surprise me if we now get some expressions of remorse or regret, but, like you, I am not holding my breath.

Sleeper, How are things?

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How are things?

Things suck.

Things suck really bad.

I don't really know where to begin. It's as if had someone asked what I thought could be the worst outcome of this mess 3 years ago it would have been a description of where I am now:

Divorced
Lost 50% of time with kids
X married to the jackass she was seeing before separation
Financially burdened
Intermittant emotionally vitrolic spew from X
Kids maturing to recognize and comment on the sitch
Season tickets to an dysfunctional emotional freakshow

Recently X got her feelings hurt because it was DS's bday and I had custody that week. Her solution to this is to seek full custody thus preventing it from happening again. She actually asked DD which one of us she would like to live with given the choice. This upset DD who came to me about it (how I found out). So now I get to deal with the possibility of this fight while cleaning up the emotional damage of X's selfish actions. Like I said, it sucks and just keeps on sucking.

The Karma in this is both children have told me they didn't tell X but they would rather live with me than her (and new husband). I have not confronted X with the impropriety of her question to the kids or the disappointment she will face if she presses the matter.

I'm angry, I'm sad and the best part is it looks like this nightmare will never end.

"One more thing" Detective Columbo

I got off my antidepressants a couple of weeks ago. I never intended to take them for the rest of my life. All this proves ther never is a "good" time to do something like that.

You gave some good but, early in my opinion advice to Sparks about boundaries with his wife. Why aren't you taking your own advice when it comes to your wife?

For what you have written it always seemed like you bent over backwards for her for little more than the possibility that she smiles.

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...it always semed like you bent over backwards for her for little more than the possibility that she smiles.

Yes I did. I was often over accomodating.

Why? I was not functioning for several years before we separated. A counselor says it was PTSD and from what I've read I must agree. I was acting out of guilt. The shock of "the bomb" and getting on meds (that had not been identified for treatment of PTSD until just prior to bomb) allowed me to reflect on what I had put her through for the previous 4 years. I felt responsible to a large degree.

The same counselor described what happened to our marriage as "the perfect storm". Our child sexually assaulted, a two-year trial of the perpetrator, I develop PTSD, our boookeeper takes advantage of the distraction to steal us blind, X's closest relative dies, another relative takes action and successfully denies her inheritance(2nd time that's happened to her), X goes into MLC, a self-centered Jackass in hot pursuit. Our marriage never stood a chance.

Did I do the right thing? Would anything have been different had I made other choices? I seriously doubt it. I could have fought her harder on the financials but there would have been no guarantee of the outcome. I believe worse as she has been ripped off more than once and was in a hyper-defensive mode.

Everyone must make their own choices as to how to respond. We must do what is right for us personally.

When all is said and done we are gonna do what we are gonna do.

"Got do"?

Sleeper,

Brother, I am not referring to any of the legal outcomes, or who has what or any of that stuff, I am referring to how it AFFECTS you. You.

Right wrong? As in right being married still? Pfffftp. Right wrong as in how the hell is Sleeper over all today right and wrong. Are you 'right' most of the time as in doing well feel good? Not 'right' as in correct.

Not to put to fine a point on it.

You do not think you would be in a better place if you had taken a harder stance earlier?

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When all is said and done we are gonna do what we are gonna do.

Despite people offering advice?

That kind of seems to me, like no matter what people cannot change, and that statement pretty much allows for...hey I know being fat is bad for my overall health but Ahh...I'm fat what am I going to do about it? Thanks for trying to offer me ideas about how to improve my health, but I'm just going to eat this donut and bit ch about being fat.

Its like laying down in the train tracks and saying that your choice is inevitable.

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"Got do"?

I actually like that very much.

I do.

Do you?

Originally Posted By: sleeper

Recently X got her feelings hurt because it was DS's bday and I had custody that week. Her solution to this is to seek full custody thus preventing it from happening again. She actually asked DD which one of us she would like to live with given the choice. This upset DD who came to me about it (how I found out). So now I get to deal with the possibility of this fight while cleaning up the emotional damage of X's selfish actions. Like I said, it sucks and just keeps on sucking.

The Karma in this is both children have told me they didn't tell X but they would rather live with me than her (and new husband). I have not confronted X with the impropriety of her question to the kids or the disappointment she will face if she presses the matter.

Keep doing your best to protect them as much as you can. I would leave it up to your X when it comes to repairing and improving her relationship with them though.

I wouldn't say anything or confront her on this matter. I wouldn't say a word. If she presses for custody let her find out all on her own.

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I'm angry, I'm sad and the best part is it looks like this nightmare will never end.

I understand this completely. Please be careful, make sure your actions and words aren't fueled by this. Keep working hard and find healthy ways to release this.

I know the whole feeling of it never ending too. I don't believe it ever totally will when there are children involved. I do believe it gets better though.

I have no desire to share my life with my ex. None.

Sharing and being a part of the children's lives will never end. Keep working hard for their sake. Keep showing them better.

Jack and Sleeper, You guys are great. I have gained much from all of you and it helps me get through the day. I have 3 boys 7, 9 and 12 and the C says she is over halfway on the MLC. Meanwhile I just got the report from one of my inside coworkers that My W and the OM were spotted by one of her coworkers in a local supermarket parking lot being more than just friends, embracing, kissing etc.I am one month out from the D day and it has been extremely hard for me of course since I take care of everything now at home while she leaves and needs her space. The Doc calls OM a fantasy and makes lite of it but still it stings badly. I know her childhood was neglect by her father but it still is tough to just let it go and let God. Everyone I have confided with says I have become stronger and will make it through. I keep hearing the "Things will be much better for you after this is over" line from friends but the faith in this gets shaky with me. You guys show so much strength in this I don't know how you do it. My W is heading exactly for sleepers scenario and his W sounds just like mine.
It is scary to look at the future like Ebeneezer Scrooge when I
read the posts. My boys will have to suffer through this when she
has her 50% custody and it will be excruciating for me. I love my
boys more than anything in this world and holding out for the Alien to return from the mothership has got me screaming inside.
Doc says she will come your way and then pull back. Yup, experienced this lately but when the mothership activates the tractor beam it just seems hopeless. I am DBing at all times and
it has paid off but as the D day creeps closer, It just doesn't seem fast enough. As far as I can tell, no rock bottom
has been hit so I am going to have to fasten my seatbelt. I hate
having to rely on friends to hear my sitch but they have been awesome for me to get some kind of sanity in my head. I always thank them so they know that I really do appreciate listening to
the unbelievable stuff about someone they once knew as my W. They are all baffled too. They all envied our marriage before
the bomb was dropped. It sure was a blissful marriage for me and
my W bragged about me being a good father/husband to everyone she met. Thanks for letting me vent here.

Hang in there, Sleeper. You did as well as anyone could have by your X, but maybe she is just too badly damaged. It's not your fault she's a mess, and it is not and never was your job to fix her. Where was her empathy and concern for you when you were in the throes of PTSD?

Your D is a different story. She will be okay despite all that has happened to her because she has you.

Warrior,

Buddy...

Start your own thread here, and hang around. You'll grow here.

Things won't be better for you once this is all over...and when exactly Is it all over? The divorced guys around here still have to interact with their X wife.

It won't be better...it won't be worse...it WILL be different.

And you get a choice in making it different?

Don't like flowery crap in your bathroom? Get rid of it. Like palying poker and smoking cigars while you do it?

Make changes FOR you by YOU.

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You do not think you would be in a better place if you had taken a harder stance earlier?

I dunno. It's a good question and I am very acomplished at second guessing myself, have been as long as I can remember.

My taking a harder stance would have had no impact on X's actions, of course, but I probably would have second guessed myself to death over the possibility that taking a softer stance might have had some effect on the outcome. Financially I MIGHT have come out better, might not have and at what cost in terms of legal fees and ill will between us?

DD is a very sharp cookie with a very sweet soul. About 6 months ago she asked me why X got the better car (she totaled it), the house and the business. I was speechless for a moment at the observation she had independently made and I don't remember exactly how I responded. More recently she basically asked the same question and opined "it just doesn't seem fair." I have little doubt that the same questions and comments aren't made when DD is with X. Someone has to be the bigger person and set the example for the kids when children are involved in these situations. I feel I have accomplished that if nothing else.

The worm is beginning to turn. The kids would rather be with me than her and I believe she knows it. She is experiencing the loss of family now as evidenced by her threats of seeking full custody (over my dead body) and her missing the kids during certain holidays. She is in for more than one shock as the kids will be with me now on Christmas mornings as "our" house that I have bought from her is where they have experienced Christmas for the past 5 years and shall continue to do so. Halloween shall continue to be celebrated there as well as a big party has been a tradition.

I was a late bloomer (always appeared to be years younger than I was).

Maybe I'm a late boundary setter too.

Jack,
Forgive me for my incompetence but I am a newbie in all of this forum stuff. Looked at FAQ's on how to start my own thread like
you suggested and did not see how. I don't want to keep trespassing on others threads. I figure I have a lot to learn and
such a long way to go. Could you please enlighten me on how to start? Then, from what I thought I saw in FAQ's, the moderator can move my two posts I have made to that thread. Thank you for
your kind words.

Incompetence? Like you don't have enough going on in your lfie huh?

When you get to the forums or boards (specifically Midlife Crisis)

At the top of the page you will see:

Divorcebusting.com � Forums � Open Forums � Midlife Crisis

Forum List My Stuff Active Topics Search FAQ

New Topic Forum Options

New topic is the button you want to hit.

Then type away.

Sleeper the minute you think I am being TOO harsh with you let me know and I'll stop, but do yourself the favor of addressing why it bothered you.

I'm going to pick this apart:

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My taking a harder stance would have had no impact on X's actions, of course, but I probably would have second guessed myself to death over the possibility that taking a softer stance might have had some effect on the outcome. Financially I MIGHT have come out better, might not have and at what cost in terms of legal fees and ill will between us?

You are coming from a place where deep down I feel that you still think you can get your wife back through your actions, you almost count on it.

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My taking a harder stance would have had no impact on X's actions, of course,
why bring it up to me then?
but I probably would have second guessed myself to death over the possibility that taking a softer stance might have had some effect on the outcome.
much like you are wondering right now

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About 6 months ago she asked me why X got the better car (she totaled it), the house and the business. I was speechless for a moment at the observation she had independently made and I don't remember exactly how I responded.

THAT is an awesome question...WHY did you, deep down honest answer Sleeper. Why did you? If you can fool yourself you can fool anyone if you can lie to yourself then you can lie to anyone and if you start believing those lies, then you are a fool.

I am NOT saying that you are lying or that you are a fool, I am asking you to be painfully honest with yourself and examine your motives and expectations very carefully.

The answers you give the kids are cool and good, yes someone must be the bigger person...lets actually hope it is both of you not just one of you.

Setting boundaries is'nt a ploy or a trick or a trap, it is NOT vindictive, they are for you and your well being, your MENTAL health.

For no reason beyond what is best for Sleeper, and I think you have been giving in so much because deep down you think she might wake up and see how awesome you are because you give and give and give.

I think you forgot or believed that having your x wife in your life...no matter the cost WAS what you imagined was the best for Sleeper.

I think you are just begining to see that....that might not be true.

Sleeper,

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I think you forgot or believed that having your x wife in your life...no matter the cost WAS what you imagined was the best for Sleeper.

Look at this quote VERY closely...VERY....take your time to really think about this.

Eric

Sleeper, Now that I am divorced, I have cut contact w/X. I strongly recommend this. Give it months, years even, to become fully detached from her. You may see her in a different light.

I have been dating. It has been difficult in some ways, but I also feel my world has expanded some and that has been good.

I would suspect that your X would have a hard time getting full custody. Your L could advise, but my guess is that it would not be easy as I am told that courts like to keep continuity for the kids.

I would suggest the book about getting past your break up. Do the exercises in it. You will understand why you got involved w/the X and also how to avoid similar types in the future. You will begin to be able to deal with the idea of abandonment as well.

Learn to be comfortable with yourself and things get easier.

Most important: cut all contact that is not essential.

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#1

I don't believe I can "get my wife back" now. I admit I did at one time. Lately I've been having major moments of not even recognizing my wife in this person any longer.

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#2

Do YOU believe a harder stance would have made a difference? I don't. I think things would have only been a great deal uglier. If I accomplished anything it was a reduction in the amount of ugliness experienced by myself and my kids, albeit at a price.

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#3

It's really complicated (no excuse, no sh*t). If I had it to do over the only thing I would have done differently is I would have fought for the house. The business property was (still is) wrapped up in the inheritance issues of which she has already been ripped off once. Although legally community property, she would have fought me to the gates of hell and spent every dime she and I had (or didn't have) over that property. She would have gone "nuclear option" and child custody would have been brought into the fight. I didn't want that. The house didn't have much equity in it but was an emotional issue for her. Her husband got the house in her first divorce and she was determined that would not happen to her again.

As the counselor told me and I believe I was catching the hell due every mand in her life who had ever done her wrong. Her biological father raped her (making our D's rape all the more painful), her stepfather molested her and screwed her and her brother out of her inheritance when her mother died, a long-time friend of hers raped our D, her uncle screwed her out of her inheritance when her grandfather died (recent developments indicate that may not be a done deal yet and conflict is developing).

That's a lot of man-sh*t to be on the recieving end of.

I wanted to save our marriage.

I felt guilty for my failures in the marriage.

I had compassion for her (having knowledge of her history).

"I am what I am" Popye, the sleeper man

Sleeper

Never posted to you but just wanted to say I have same sitch with W.

Childhood sexual abuse.

Worse than murder IMO in how many lives it affects and for the duration of time they suffer.

It is MLC with nuts on top. Inevitable that they at some point have to deal with it.

My W was diagnosed with PTSD from it.

Anyway just wanted to let you know you've a comrade in arms...

Me? W is still in MLC I guess may still be with OM don't know so ...

I am just healing.

Hope you are getting on with the same.

I hear you, Trugritter. I send my thoughts and whatever strength I have left out to you.

I was researching the effects of child sexual abuse upon individuals when I happened upon PTSD. As I studied trying to figure out what had happened to my X I realized much of what I was reading described me. When I mentioned this to my C he agreed.

I know X is damaged goods. I always did but it is more obvious now than ever. She says she is going to kill the perpetrator when he gets out of prison. I was shocked when she told me this. Funny thing is she stopped me when I was on the way to do just that years ago.

I've shocked myself of late with the thought of telling her she won't have to kill him because I am.

"Now is the summer of our discontent..." Hamlet

Hang in there sleeper. You might want to keep coming here as well...

No doubt.

YoYo

I am trying to maintain friendly relations with X for a variety of reasons now, some long term and some short. The short term reason is that she is living in a house that I now own along with OMH as I purchased it from her in March. I agreed to let them live there until their new house is built, target date for completion is now mid August. The long term reason is that we have two children together.

So, after the big blowup over DS's birthday a couple of weeks ago, X is all sunshine and friendly of late. Sometimes this all seems like a ride at an amusment park; When I got on I had no idea how rough and long it would be. She's being so nice now it's weird.

I'm excited about being out of an apartment and back into a house I own. I've been in an apt for 3.5 years now. Typing that I didn't realize it had been that long.

I'm returning to some activities I really enjoyed years ago. I have joined a hunting club and plan to hunt a great deal this fall. I gave my son a blackpowder rifle for his bday. I've never shot one so we are learning together how to use it. He is very excited and interested and this may turn out to be a better activity for us together than I ever expected.

As far as DD, we went bra shopping together for the first time today. I'm still recovering to some degree but I believe it went well. I have no doubt she will let me know if it didn't.

Sleeper, Good! Moving should be good.

But it might provoke some sadness, too.

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But it might provoke some sadness, too.

Yes it might, however many aspects of these situations cut both ways. X seemed immune to the pains of this in the beginning but as time has passed I have noticed she is affected by all this. I'm not sure if she just hid it well, the anger masked it or she really was immune to the pain.

There is a good posibility this will be more sad for her than for me. Yes, I will have memories to deal with but I've been there many times since we separated. Now she will become the one on the outside as I AND the children will be there together 50% of the time (without her). She will be in a new home alone with OMH part of the time and totally alone part of the time as his work requires quite a bit of travel. Sitting alone in her new house while I and the kids are in our old house may work on her as sitting in my apt alone has me the past 3.5 years.

Eventually the double-edged sword of divorce cuts in the opposite direction.

Or, to borrow from Lennin's observation:

Divorce with children is like a rifle with a bayonet: There is a parent at each end.

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You do not think you would be in a better place if you had taken a harder stance earlier?

I'm gonna respond to this again as I've had some time for reflection. I was very upset/sad a couple of weeks ago and doubting the path I had chosen.

I've concluded I made the right choices. If I had taken a harder stance earlier it would have all been a lot messier and more painful for all involved. I talked some of this out with a friend recently and their third party perspective help me come to this conclusion.

I have my moments about being divorced and co-parenting the kids but emotionally I'm OK as far as X is concerned.

Originally Posted By: sleeper

Quote:

You do not think you would be in a better place if you had taken a harder stance earlier?

I'm gonna respond to this again as I've had some time for reflection. I was very upset/sad a couple of weeks ago and doubting the path I had chosen.

I'm glad you're feeling better about this.

Sleeper, your stance is for no one but you. A stance should never be taken or a boundary should never be laid simply to cause some sort of reaction or affect on another person.

Not to sound like a walk away or anything, IMO this really is all about you.

Hey Sleeper,
You still have that investment portfolio you once mentioned?

Why do you ask ?

I made my first payment on the house I'll be moving (back) into today. I was excited to do so.

Just checkin', sleeper. =)

Yes I still have that "portfolio". It's in the form of an IRA so I don't look at it often, dunno what's happened to it.

X and I had an interesting convo the other day. She commented she believed there was some dysfunction in out relationship when we were married (duh?). I have suspected she is seeing a counselor since last fall because of some comments she has made. There are some issues with some of her extended family which I believe brought thoughts and therefore these comments to the surface. She went on to confirm my conclusion of a few years ago by commenting, "Everyone in my life has ripped me off except you." I took some solace from that comment as I believed that to be the case and that belief helped to shape some of my choices in all this.

Man sleeper,
That is very cool.
You are indeed the light.
There is no other explanation for that type of comment from your
XW.
If she does start to come your way, what the hell do you do now?
I see my sitch looking that way sometime in the future and don't
see enough info on what to do. Maybe I am just not looking hard enough. Is it play it by ear? Do you have a game plan? I keep thinking far ahead like this and wonder ok then what? Is it DB
for the rest of your life? I am sorry about these questions but
you got my head moving. The counselor thing makes sense to me.
My wife makes comments similar to that once in a while after seeing the IC. Then the fog rolls back in and the alien returns.

Quote:

You are indeed the light.

Is that a line from a beer commercial?

Quote:

If she does start to come your way, what the hell do you do now?

I seriously doubt she will come my way, so I haven't considered it.

Quote:

Maybe I am just not looking hard enough. Is it play it by ear?

Warior, you may be looking too hard. In fact, if you are "looking" in any way, shape or form you are looking too hard. Those occasional glimpses of the "old" them is what makes this so mind twisting. There isn't really anything to play. They hold the entire deck. You gotta live for you, be true to yourself and do what your conscience tells you is the right thing for you.

Quote:

Do you have a game plan?

No game plan other than taking care of myself and my kids and living my life. Learning to let go and do that has been easier said than done.

Quote:

I keep thinking far ahead like this and wonder ok then what?

don't. You will drive yourself insane.

Quote:

...the fog rolls back in.

That's because mlc has to run its course. There is nothing you can do and probably nothing she can do either (counseling) to curtail the course of this. If you have made any estimate of "how long?" (we're not supposed to make such an estimate but lets be honest, we all do), multiply it by 2.5 and you'll probably have a fairly accurate time frame.

I learned that trick from a relative who worked in the defense industry. He would take the original estimated cost of a weapons system they were building and multiply it by 2.5. The product was always much closer to the actual final cost than the original estimate .

Sleeper, Bunch of us here are in similar time frames.

I think you're right that it is important to concentrate on ourselves and living our lives. I have found that minimizing contact w/X has been beneficial to me; I have other stuff going on now.

Quote:

Bunch of us here are in similar time frames.

Yes, as it has always beeen for the two of us.

I've found I can now be around her with no negative impact unless she is spewing on me which still happens although rarely.

How is your D? I have been very supprised of late to learn there are many things I thought my kids would remember but they don't (quite a blessing). They openly said today they would rather spend time with me than X. I told them that's probably because my work schedule allows me to spend time with them that X's does not allow.

My D is OK, although I do get occasional sad questions about why our family doesn't live together. I am also in the process of getting ready to move and this seems to worry her. I have told her that in our new house, she can have a room the color she wants.

I also notice that she tries to get us together. It breaks my heart.

I need to have some conversations with her about my dating.

I think she does have some abandonment issues.

Quote:

I also notice that she tries to get us together. It breaks my heart.

Oh GOD, I know what you mean. DS always used to hand me the phone after talking to X. He was the youngest and it was obvious he wanted us to talk whether we did or not.

Now it is sporadic although they both occasionally do the same thing with the phone.

The funny thing is I find more and more often X is wanting to talk to me on the other end.

My kids and I really enjoy our time together. DS said today we should be filmed, our life is like a reality show, everything is fun.

BTW: I found my bi-yearly report on that "portfolio" today. It has almost rebounded to pre-2008 levels. If I had listened with resolve to myself and not allowed a broker to sway me in 1996 it would be twice what it is now.

So Sleeper, it's that 8.6 million we discussed so long ago?

=)

8.6 million is actually a fairly accurate estimate of its value.

In Vietnamese dong

So far I am pleasantly surprised at the impact that this MLC has had on my kids. They will not go unscathed, but it so far is not as damaging as I thought it would be. Keeping the communication going is the key. Not bad mouthing ex is important. Going dark has kept me sane and able to handle a lot of things.

While we're talking about kids...

X is becoming more and more friendly. I first noticed this after I bought the house from her in the early spring. We now text back and forth a lot, often about the kids and exchange pics via our iphones.

I kept the kids for her this afternoon while she worked as I have been doing often lately. My work schedule allows for this as hers does not. I have questioned myself about it and have decided I will do so whenever the opportunity arises because I get to spend more time with my kids. They are growing up so fast. I have bailed her out several times and they occasionally spend the night with me on her time.

She asked if I would join her and the kids for dinner when she got off work. I almost declined but reluctantly agreed. I brought the kids and met her at a resturant and the 4 of us had dinner.

DS seemed particularly manic during dinner. He is now 9 and that may be normal but I couldn't help but think he was excited because the 4 of us were together. He's that age when it's important who sits beside whom and he wanted to sit beside me in the booth.

I mentioned to her I am taking the kids out of town next weekend to a hotel that is theme oriented for kids and families. X kinda went blank as I described our plans and stayed that way for several minutes. I felt badly for her for a moment but she got over it.

The kids enjoyed our dinner together. It's amazing how well they adjust to the non-traditional situations thrown their way.

Sleeper,
Children fantasize about their parents getting back together. I would caution you on the "dinner as a family" thing for that reason.

Also, you might want to consider how you feel after you've been around X.

I believe that I will stay dark until I can be around X and not feel angry or sad about R any more.

I haven't had a conversation with him since about November or so. Prior to that, even.

For the archives....

Last fall X mentioned she was considering going back into therapy.

A couple of months ago she said she believed our R had some dysfunctional aspects.

A few days ago she told me what happened to our D basically destroyed our marriage.

I'm tempted to find that dent in the wall where I used to beat my head. Nevermind. That was:

"A long time ago in an apartment far, far away....."

Originally Posted By: sleeper

I'm tempted to find that dent in the wall where I used to beat my head. Nevermind. That was:

"A long time ago in an apartment far, far away....."

Thanks for starting my day off with a good chuckle...

I think my next thread title will be:

"How weird is your sitch?"

At the slow rate I'm posting it may be years before I start a new one but here's the recent weirdness....

I've bought the house back from X but her and OMH are still living in it until the one they are building (are they the only couple building a home in the US building right now?) is finished. We have a gentleman's agreement on occupancy as there is no occupancy contract. She has been paying the mortage although it and the house are now in my name. But that's not the weird part (not to me, anyway)...

The moving date has been pushed back repeatedly and both their and my moves are dependent upon the completion of their house. So last month just before the note was due she says...

Her: "I'm in a bind for time today, can you just go by the bank "X", take out the money for the note and pay it?"

Me: "I'm still on the account?"

Her: "Yeah, you are."

Me: "Which account?"

Her: "All of them, I haven"t changed anything, take the money out of account #2."

Mind you there are a couple of personal accounts and the business account. Today at kidswap she told me I could go by and take out the money for this month's note. I can't help but wonder if OMH is on the accounts too (I doubt it) and how he might respond if he knew I was still on the accounts.

This segues with a comment she made just before marrying OMH which I found odd at the time:

"I trust OM about as much as I trust you."

I couldn't help thinking but didn't say:

"THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MARRYING HIM !?!"

I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's a fine madness.

This is one of those things that make you say, WTF???

She's a weird one, alright.

She initiated a hug tonight at kidswap.

Why does your W's behavior make sense to me? Because it is
so similar to how my W is. I don't believe she would keep me on
the accounts after the divorce though. Money and control are too important in her family. But the behavior is so similar.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Men going through MLC are a totally different animal to women going through a MLC. I'd take on a Man's anyday over a Woman's. That would be scary. I'm female, I understand their motivations and maneuvers.

Sleeper, I am betting that I am still on X's health insurance, but only because he is off in lala land and it didn't occur to him to take me off.

I changed back to my maiden name and he still writes my married name sometimes.

Be careful not to read too much into this. In my case, the MLCer is just lazy.

X and I had a blowup yesterday. Haven't had one since June (about two months). This was a pretty good one. Went from 0 to 120 in about 30 seconds. That fact causes me to think there were other factors involved: OMH was out of town as he often is and I think this is wearing on X. Poor thing.

X wants to switch the weekends we have the kids and I said no. She immediate blew up and went into a tirade about issues from the marriage and separation she blames upon me. She finally said she was calling her lawyer and would let him deal with this since I was being so "controlling". I replied, "Well you have fun" and hung up.

There really was no reason for her to become so angry so quickly.

Oh well, I'm tempted to go put HER lawyer (or another in his office) on retainer so she can't use him again.

Sleeper,

I think you're right, it sounds like XW is not very happy with the new life that she chose. Oh well, sometimes there are consequences for your actions.

Do you really think she'd call a lawyer because she had a tantrum over you not switching weekends with her? I would think a lawyer would set her straight...

Sleeper -

I'm pretty sure when she calms down, she'll realize by the time a lawyer could do anything, IF he'd do anything, the weekend in question would be over. And yes, it sounds as if her new life hasn't made her very happy.

My H's ex was always pulling that "I'll call my lawyer" crap. Never happened.

Her new life is not as perfect as she envisioned it would be.

OMH's work schedule has changed and he is out of town MUCH more than before they were married. The kids mentioned them fighting over this when it began a year ago. There is a seasonal aspect to OMH's work and X mentioned to me last night that one season just completed and another season was about to begin. This comment was in context of her requesting again that we switch weekends. When OMH is out of town he cannot help her with the kids (or anything) and she is totally on her own.

Would she call a lawyer? I dunno. Surely she realizes she has no grounds for such a frivilous (as the court would see it) change. On the other hand there was a time when I didn't think she would call a lawyer and go through with a divorce. Boy, was I wrong about that one.

The frustrating part is I will be the one to catch h#ll regardless of what she does. In her mind any difficulty due to the D is my fault because its my fault we're divorced. The legal costs are all my fault because the D is my fault. It's my fault if she has to hire a lawyer because if I would just give her what she wants instead of being "controlling" she wouldn't have to go to a lawyer and spend the money. ANY "negative consequences" for any action she has taken is ultimately MY FAULT.

I just hope OMH catches a little of this angst from time to time.

My guess would be that OM/H catches a LOT of her angst. And that's not good when he's only there every other weekend. From a personal standpoint, if that was the case is my situation, I would be grateful to have the time alone with my spouse, not worrying if he's there to 'help with the kids'. Seems kind of backwards to me.

Quote:

I'm female, I understand their motivations and maneuvers.

OK, so what does this mean in femalemotineuver?

A couple of days after I asked X if I was still on the personal and business accounts, she writes me a check from the business from a new account at a different bank with her AND OMH's name on it. Her's was in large print with his in smaller beneath it, LOL.

Was that a coincidence?

Methinks something smells in paradise. Unless she's starting her own business, I can't imagine why she would have her checks that way, unless it was a way to pacify him but open a seperate account.

"We see plans within plans." Third stage Guild Navigator speaking to Emperor Shaddam III in Frank Herbet's classic novel, "Dune".

OK, when I first began posting as "Sleeper" bio included the quote "The Sleeper has awakened", Maud Dib

Again, be careful not to read into these things.

I'm trying really hard to not be down tonight.

My kids are growing up so fast. They, especially my DD, LOVE stories of things they said/did when they were smaller that was funny (there are a lot of them). They've always been very bright and I have realized through telling these stories to them that their memories of childhood are not as good as I had percieved them to be. Some things that happened that I was sure they would remember for a lifetime they don't. For some reason that saddens me.

DS is out of town with OMH as he travels in his line of work and an opportunity presented itself for a once in a lifetime experience for DS. OMH is a pilot for a very wealthy man who is part owner of a professional football team (among many other things). DS was invited to accompany them by air to tonight's pre-season game and be their guest in their skybox. I was TMed a few minutes ago and learned he is now on the sidelines with the team. Of course, I let him go along.

This evening, as as DS was getting herself ready to leave me to go to her mother's I commented I would miss her. I continued that she and DS will both be away and they are my family. DS responded, "Why don't you get married like mom did so you can have a family all the time?"

I was struck by her unstated but implied belief that one can just get another spouse and presto, you have a new family. To add insult to injury my mother commented on the phone after she learned DS was out of town with OMH, "So OMH is DS's daddy this weekend?" I calmly responded, "No, OMH is not DS's daddy."

Sleeper, my heart goes out to you.

I do want you to know that even at my advanced age that memories of my childhood do come back.

The memories that are most significant are the times I remember where I knew that I was truly loved and cared for.

I'm sure that your son is having a great time but he will never forget who has always been there for him when the chips are down.

You may not hear this from your children for quite a few years yet. They can only process so much of what has happened, as they are so young. You will hear it at some point though.

You are a great dad and your kids are going to remember that their entire lives!

(((Hugs)))

Your kids told you recently that they would prefer to live with you, pro football junkets notwithstanding.

Thanks Andabelle.

I'm really a very lucky man.

Wow the board blew up tonight! Let's see....

Full moon

Friday

Payday

Quote:

lucky man

He had white horses
and ladies by the score.
All dressed in satin
and waiting by the door.

Ooooooooh, What a lucky man he was

The Moody Blues

Was it pay day?

It was payday for the "ladies by the score."

But then the cops busted in and there was a shootout. A bullet had found him and no one could save him. So he laid down and died, right there on the spot.

"Oooooooooh, what a lucky man he was"

I moved this past weekend. I'm back in the what was "our house". It's now mine. I'm very tired from the move, had some apprehension about feelings/memories that might arise but I'm OK.

Sleeper,

You are also very brave. When this is over, regardless of the outcome, all I want is out of this house. With him or without him. It's like it was built on an Indian Burial Ground, and all that remains is bad memories.

Sleeper, Glad you are settled into better surroundings.

Thanks. I'm glad to be "home.". I was just thinking how great it will be to make a fire in the fireplace on Christmas morning.

For the curious (or just for the he'll of it)

X and Omh's move to their new house was no hayride. Apparently there was a lot of stress. X told me herself, "this hasn't been a positive thing at all." She called me more than once in tears.

My house is still half full of her (not his) stuff. Some of his stuff is still in the workshop. Trash day is this Monday. X said they would come to get the rest but that was two weeks ago this weekend. Trash day is this Monday. I'll be busy this weekend.

I have noticed X is much more friendly all of the sudden. It's kinda weird.

interesting ......keep posting,

That was entirely predictable...not your problem

!

Originally Posted By: Andabelle

That was entirely predictable...not your problem

!

I agree. Well said!!

I dunno if anything has or will be "predictable".

Interactions between X and myself are becoming more and more relaxed. I dare say there is none of the tension that existed between us for about three years following separation. Conversations are so comfortable and like years ago that I shocked myself the other day when I almost said, "I love you" as we ended a phone conversation. Wierd.

Im happier now than I have been in years. I'm out of an apartment and just beginning to make this place mine. I hav a home now, not just a place where I live. Finances will be tight, tighter than they have ever been but that challenge doesn't reduce my newfound peace of mind.

Sleeper,
You've come a long way....

I'm very happy to read that you are out of the apartment and making your home yours. Yes, finances will be tight, but you may be pleasantly surprised that you'll be able to do a lot of the remodelng/redecorating on a shoe string budget. Give yourself some time to figure out all of your finances.

As for your xw, I'm glad to see that things have settled down and the tension is gone. It makes interacting w/her a bit more pleasant.

Sounds to me like your life is getting better and better all of the time!

Sleeper,
I am glad for you as I wish I could say there is no tension, but there is some.

I'm more glad for you that you are settled into your place and that you sound happier than you have in a very long time.

Quote:

...I wish...there is no tension...but there is some.

Be careful for what you wish.

There is ZERO tension between X and myself. She and I speak freely and comfortably.

The problem is that I still love her and miss having a family with her and our two kids.

The surrealist aspect of this is that she has said to me on more than one occasion as we ended a phone convo, "I love you."

She did so this very evening.

As I have said many times: "It's a fine madness."

Possibly the "madness" is my own.

I took kids to X last night. She invited me in to meet a friend and chat for a while. she was relating a story of a confrotation incident that occured between herself, OM and a former friend just after we separated. Listening to her revealed a little of what was going on in her mind just post-bomb. some of you might find it interesting.

As with many mlcers, many said she "changed", wasn't the same person, etc. X related that former friend told her she wasn't the same person after X's grandmother died. Grandmother was her m other figure and her grandfather also died a little over a year after her grandmother. X explaind she hadn't changed but had decided to "stand up for herself". This is how she sees what i would call the "anger stage" when she was assertive, obstinate in her demands and would become verbally and sometimes physically abusive if met with resistance. This also segues with the observation they become the opposite of what they were. She obviously saw herself as a pushover and so she became the pusher.

Of course in the story she related her ex-friend was the one who had gone "crazy", wrong in everything she said or did and her changes had nothing to do with the loss of her grandparents, just maturing and "taking care of" herself.

On a personal note I learned she had made up her mind that our marriage was over early on and even commented that we were "already divorced" when the events happened. We weren't and a legal separation had been filed just weeks prior to the incident she referenced.

I also believe there was a lot of projection going on during this time. She was dating so she accused me of dating (OK for her but not for me?) although I wasn't. She physically assaulted me once accusing me of going on a date with her best friend. She also freaked and thought I was going to take advantage of her financially in the D. Makes sense now as that is what she was planning on doing to me and feared I would do the same to her. Of course she believes what she wanted was absolutely "fair". I took the high road in all that and believe it was the right thing as it would have gotten ugly indeed if I hadn't.

Some of the things she said last night in direct conflict with what she told me at the time. I didn't call her on any of it. there was a third party present and what difference would it make? I'm not sure if this is selective memory, revised memory, or re-writing of history to make thing more acceptable to herself and others.

It was kinda bizzare. I was like an invited observer to the convo between them, a fly on the wall but of course she was talking to me too as I was in the room and she had invited me to listen.

The funny thing was as she was leaving her friend commented she believes Karma is a real thing.

I can't help but wonder if she said that for my benefit.

How did you feel about that?

Not sure to what you are specifically referring but I felt weird about the situation overall and the topics discussed (there were other topics).

In some ways what I heard confirmed what I believe has happened (mlc) but at the same time it was difficult to hear the slight revisions of our history. I felt foolish for hoping there was a chance at reconcilliation nearly on as I now realize she was "done" with us. There was also reference to what happened to our D in the convo which was painful to hear discussed again (one topic not mentioned above).

I conclude that in her eyes I have moved from unwanted husband, to financial separation enemy, to close friend, family member and confidant (throughout this entire process she has confided in me from time to time).

Additional weirdness:

What had been house which I recently bought from her still has lots of her things in it (OMH took everything belonging to him). She wanted to have an alarm system installed so the kids and I will "be safe" (she's paying for it). I agreed and she spent half a day there earlier this week there while it was installed by the serviceman. She cleaned several rooms and straightened up, even puting a few of my things away. I was really shocked by that.

It's a fine madnesss.

Sleeper, Do you really want to allow your X into the picture so that she is in your house like that? You might want to think about firmer boundaries, just for your own sake.....

As far as having these conversations in front of you, it seems kind of mean to me ??

I guess I was asking if you're disheartened that she's still so screwed up after all this time... stupid question.

LOL

The truth is she was always a little "screwed up", horribly abused as a young child later growing up in a non-abusive but chaotic and unstable home environments. Your coment is interesting because lately I've begun to think she wasn't having a mlc but something similar. Or maybe it was a mlc with some very different aspects because of her very different childhood.

She's better, I'm better that's all good.

She's taking flying lessons now. I talked to her on the phone while she was in the air the other day. I don't believe the plan she bought is in any shape to fly.........yet.

X, DD and I had dinner together last night.

It's a fine madness.

X and OMH came by the house (ours, then hers, now mine) the other day to get some things they left in the attic. OMH brought a large, white box down.

DD asked, "What's in this box, mom?"

"My wedding dress", X replied.

"Which one?" asked X.

I couldn't help but laugh. X did too.

correction....

"Which one?" asked DD

I caught major spew from X this AM re: the kids. Haven't seen that in a while. I think it may have been guilt driven as she was at a party when I tried to contact her concerning them and she didn't respond. The spew hit this AM at 7:30 (major profanity). I hung up on her.

One funny thing is this evening she said she was "sorry about our fight this morning." I said "it was over the top and didn't have to go there."

The other funny thing is I really don't give a sh*t.

Sleeper,

It's been awhile since I've visited. I've always loved your thread, loved your humor and your honest reflections on things happening in your life. In my mind I have always thought that you sounded like a hell of a guy, someone I absolutely would not mind having a beer with.

For some time I honestly believed that your wife would come back around. My heart was truly saddened for you when she married the other dude.

Yet you have survived, nay, even thrived in the aftermath of one of the worst losses any of us can experience - divorce.

I say all these things to let you know that I hold you in the highest regard, especially given that you are someone I have never met but for here in the cyber world.

I know you still love your ex-wife. I know you do. I can almost literally feel it in the words you write. And, for now at least, it seems you can continue to live well loving her even as she remains married to another.

But I worry about you too.

A good relationship with an ex-spouse is highly desirable, especially when young children are involved. I'm glad that I have a reasonably decent working relationship with my ex. I'm also exceedingly glad that circumstances do not require us to interact on anything like a regular basis.

Just take care of yourself. Live your life, and do so keeping yourself open to all the opportunities that life presents. And please be careful not to allow your continuing love for your ex-wife to allow you to remain trapped with her forever.

You are worth much, much, more than that.

Blessings my friend,

Bill

Thanks, Bill

More stuff I shoulda seen coming......

Here I sit on Christmas Eve, alone in the house X, the kids and I lived in together pre-separation. The kids are with X and OMH in their new home tonight.

"God bless us, every one."

Sleeper, You're not alone in that a lot of divorced people are alone at this time. At this point my X is alone as far as I know.

I assume you will see the kids tomorrow. Kick back, read, take care of yourself and all will be well.

When I do not have D (which is not very frequent), I try to do some adult things that are hard to do w/D.

Update.....

I was down for several days but had a great Christmas with my kids Christmas Day afternoon. "Santa" brought my son a gift he had asked me for repeatedly over the past couple of months but I made clear he didn't "need". I have a pic of him when he walked into the room which is pricess. He froze with his mouth agape. DD was also excited and happy with what "Santa" brought her. She knows, he doesn't (much to my surprise).

For the research, I've made some observations regarding X/OMH/stages of mlc....

OMH is in many respects just a big kid. When I went to their house to pic up the kids he was playing, alone with his cat, with a toy that is a duplicate of one they had bought DS (I KID YOU NOT). X was in DD's room with DD and X. While with them in DD's room, OMH came in to tell X what his cat had done. Does he not have a life? He is the poster child for the saying; "the only difference between men and boys is the size of their toys."(truck, van, jetski, skiboat, motorcycle, airplane). WHEN I POINTED OUT A GAME THEY GAVE DS WAS NOT AGE APPROPRIATE FOR DS HE SAID HE WOULD KEEP IT FOR HIMSELF AND PLAY IT.

Today X came by to pick up th kids. I asked why she was so happy to which she responded, "Cause I'm getting my kids and I get to spend the day with them." Four years ago you would have thought she didn't know they existed.

sleeper - they are clueless.....i often wonder when i am with my boys who are both now over 18...but will always be the kids and I look forward to time with them more than ever, that will never change....but i do sometimes struggle with the resentment of the times the kids are always missing the other parent and the the times I am not the parent with them...its all so not worth it...i know i say that has the lbs not the mlcer or walker (runner) but i have to wonder...they cant possibly still think it is worth it...

my x married the ow on feb 2010 we divorced 10/3/08, bomb 2005 - timeline clost to yours....but we dont talk much at all, his guilt and shame are too consuming.

I get down about what our society has done to marriage , dovorce and remarriage. I have spent some time studying since all of this and from what i can discern....Marriage is a permanat state till death of one spouse. Too much to write here and this is not a Christian web site anyway..but what i am saying while bowrl wites some nice thoughts, God may have laid something on our heart you cant ignore, only you know.

take care , hope the new year is good to you.

Sleeper, I am seeing some changes in the same way now. Not huge, but some.

Sleeper, In my thread you had said you were afraid that X would come around as you get ready to move on.

I guess I see that as a bit of a fantasy at this point. The fact is, after this much time has gone by, we don't know our spouses very well any more. We haven't had intimate conversations in years. I realized that X is essentially a stranger, and so is his family. Four years is a LONG time. Your X remarried. Sure, she might still come around, but you might consider that you would need to start with her as you would any other new date, not as someone where you could pick up where you left off.

In fact, you would need to regard her as MORE risky than a new date for a LTR, because she already proved to you that she was willing to bail.

There is a part of me that would like to resuscitate things, because they were good when they were good. But I guess I see that as a fantasy at this point.

Not saying you should or shouldn't wait...but falling in love again is possible.

(and by "falling in love again" I mean with someone new)

I dunno forward.

I miss our family as much, no more, than I miss her now. I've dated. They've all been divorced with kids, having full custody. That's one thing holding me back. I don't want a new family, I want my family.

I just took the kids to her ending my week and beginning hers. I'm siting here in a vaccum of silence in the house in which we were a family (mistake?).

I can't see myself falling in love and starting over again.

Sleeper, We all understand, but it's not a matter of a new family so much as blending families.

I would be lying if I didn't admit that it does indeed seem daunting to blend families. But I don't think that should prevent us from seeing new love.

And I can guarantee you that the OM probably is having these exact adjustment issues now, by the way.

So I have gathered.

The dreams are returning.

Sleeper, What dreams do you mean?

Just remember: any failure of marriage with them is not a sign you are meant to get back together.

Sleeper could you start a new thread please?

OK Jack

You're the moderator.

I'm outta here.

OK, sleeper, I know there is supposed to be a new thread, but you didn't start one and was just wondering how you're doing.

Quote:

...how you're doing.

I was notified by phone today the ______ that raped my daughter when she was not quite three is up for parole in a month.

sorry Jack

Can you appear at the hearing, or has it already passed?

I HOPE that he doesn't make parole.

Sleeper,

Sounds like you are having a rough week. I know exactly what you are saying about wanting "your" family back. I have dated a lot. The thought of blending families and marrying someone else just depresses me. After several dates I began to realize that I was just looking for what my ex use to be...
daunting isn't it...

Quote:

Can you appear at the hearing...?

Yes. X and I both plan to be there.

Thanks Jack. Me too. I thought I was done but now I'm going to try to start a new thread.

Quote:

...rough...

Consciously I'm doing OK but maybe not so well subconsciously. I've awakened in the middle of the night both nights since I was informed of the parole hearing and been unable to go back to sleep.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

I am hopeful that you will have a huge impact on the parole board.

HUGS