I thought I would start my new thread becasue Jack isn't the only that follows the rules.
Still trying to keep from getting sucked into my wife's drama. Found out from SIL that my wife has been talking divorce. I asked if it's been for awhile and she said yeah. She said my wife keeps saying that she's going to use her tax money to get papers done. I already gave her her money last week and she's already spent it on bills and such. What I don't understand is that she had papers done back in July but never served me.
To add to my confusion she keeps adding friends of mine (they were our friends before she left)on Facebook. As she told my best friend, she fell off the face of the Earth for awhile but now she's back. These are people that she knew through me.
I see where a lot of spouses at some point admit to still loving or missing the LBS. My wife has said neither and is adamant that she's never coming back.
D$-Sorry you are here. You'll find lots of folks with similar sitch's. Never give up hope, but the key is worrying less about her and more about you. It WILL help.
Thanks I should've linked my previous thread. I've been on here for about a year.
Who knows what she is thinking or where her head is. She probably doesn't know. It seems like a lot of MLCers throw that D word around like a safety net, their way out. Like you said, she has had papers for months but not served you yet.
Just keep doing what you are doing. Do you have your kids today?
Yeah they were here all weekend. THey gave me a Vday card and I made a big dinner today.
Hey D,
What did the BIG dinner consist of? What else did you have planned for tonight with the kids?
Hoping you had a great Valentine's day with the kiddos!
If/when your wife really decides she wants a divorce..you'll know it..otherwise talk is just that, words with no action. Don't let it stress you. Hang in there!
Thanks
Well my wife still tries to engage me in small talk through text even after telling her that I need to move on with my life. Somedays it gets very tiring and today is one of those days.
What happens if you ignore the texts?
She keeps sending them one every once in awhile like she's seeing if I'll respond. It's like everything I've said to her about moving on with my life and keeping communication to the kids has gone in one ear and out the other. She does the same thing on Facebook. I make a comment on someone's post and she'll follow right behind and play off of it.
I had the same problem some months ago D...and then Jack put it in context:
Would you rather she was talking with some one else?
You are closer than you think!
It sounds like a little pursuit to me.:)
D$
My W has been telling me we are getting D for 8 months. No action just talk. We were nc for about 6 months, and sleeping in the same bed. My kids are adults so the NC was somewhat easier. I would ignore her texts and FB as well. She is probably too depressed to carry thru with the action of divorce. She also deep down doesn't want it. I know it is hard because she keeps telling you she does. You can validate her feelings if you must by I personally like the NC approach to communicate your displeasure with this idea.
My wife posted the following on her Facebook page yesterday:
"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." And there are times when you take a bite of one and decide that you don't want that one so you put the half eaten one back in the box only to realize later that was the piece you really wanted to begin with.
I'm grounded enough to know that she isn't necessarily talking about me but I am encouraged that she is thinking this way. She's housesitting at her Mom's and I took the kids out to her. We talked for a bit. Normal stuff. I then proceeded to get my car stuck in the driveway. Her and I worked for over an hour to get it out. She finally used her stepdad's truck to pull me out. I texted her on the way home "You're really awesome." and she texted back "Thanks you too."
A pretty good day
Today not so good.
Hit a deer this morning. Car crunched.
Bright side ?
Freezer full.......
That sucks man. Sorry to hear that.
You're alright though right?
I'd eat it for smashing up my car.
I'd eat it for smashing up my car.
In NY you need a permit to do this(eat)
I'd eat it for smashing up my car.
In NY you need a permit to do this(eat)
Where I am from....
You would need a knife.......
I'm sure we probably do here as well. Anything to raise Government revenue.
We have a few off the wall laws here too.
Mach has to be on his best behavior when he visits.
Says the man who eats opposums and squirrels.
Mach has to be on his best behavior when he visits.
Supposed to......
not "has" to......
You may take that back once you remember the law I was refering too. LOL!
Those damnable Northern States and their restrictive 'love' laws.
Just an educated guess knowing Mach.
< use classic L4D2 line here >
Traaaaaaaapppt.....Traaaaaappppt....
There was one .....
Sorry for the goofiness D.
Is everyone alright? Except for the deer...of course.
And can the car be fixed?
I'm fine. Considering I hit the deer going about 40 the damage isn't too bad. Just punched in the grille a little and dented the hood. After I hit the deer I did a 360 which I gotta say was pretty f-n cool.
Isn't it though?
I did one at 110 mph outside of Pittsburg...
Managed to avoid the traffic in the East bound lanes...plowed through the median and almost but not quiet ended up in the West Bound Lanes.
my wife STILL won't let me forget about that one...like ever.
Which I don't get its not like she was in the car.
As for deer. Late late late one night I managed to avod a HERD of them in the middle of an old country road around a corner...swerved...and a late coming to the herd deer straggler jumped INTO my car...
Took out my passenger side mirror.
D-
Just catching up. Glad you are OK! Sounds like a good interaction with your wife recently! NICE!
Don't worry about what she says...just watch her actions; as actions speak much louder than words, especially in MLC.
Pay close attention when she speaks, sort the garbage because the truth is in there, but hidden in MLC speak.
They say alot of things and do many others. Worse than children sometimes.
Oh, so she says she's fallen off the face of the earth for awhile, and now she's back, eh? Quite a bit of truth to that.
They always called it being abducted by aliens back in the day when I was here before....I think, because things become so strange, and they act and speak so much like someone you don't know or actually never knew.
Things can change in a blink of an eye....or drag on for what seems like forever. Depends on them; and what issues they face along their journey down through the rabbit hole...I'm thinking of Alice in Wonderland tonight for some reason.
Again, this is your time now..work on yourself, watch her spin in the wind...nothing you can do for her right now except just wait and watch for a period of time.
The biggest question is what do YOU want out of YOUR life; the focus needs to be on YOU. When she went into no man's land, and put you on a path that was not of your own making...it made this about YOU...and you do need to take care of you. Time to take stock of what's there, your needs, and what you would like to do with this time; while you're in-waiting.
And I don't mean do anything wrong, LOL!! (I re-read that last line and realized it could be taken wrong.)
Take care.
HB (and anyone else for that matter) here is my previous thread which will give you some background on my sitch.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1773726&page=1Thanks for stopping by
After re-evaluating the limited contact, I didn't feel it was right. THe 2 weeks backed away helped clear my head. I still want to be there as her friend, but I have to find the inner strength to say no sometimes. I'm a people pleaser and it's against my nature but I have to realize it is OK to say no.
We IM'ed on Facebook this morning and I simply told her that I couldn't not talk to my best friend. (how's that for a double negative)
She simply replied OK thanks
After that I feel at ease now and my gut tells me it was the right thing to do.
D,
I'm reading as I have time; don't want you to think I forgot you, as I haven't.
Sounds like you're following your instincts/intuition.
Don't think you're alone in being a people pleaser..I've been there, and saying no is drawing a boundary that everyone needs to do...if they can't they will burn themselves out trying to keep up. Besides the resentment, anger that follows because they have taken on too much.
On top of that, saying "NO" is also taking better care of yourself..it doesn't mean you're selfish; it just means you realize you can't handle EVERYTHING; and will only handle what you can and want to.
Like I have told others, I'm a truck driver; and I do what I can when I can; that's why I jump on and off like a grasshopper.
My husband is doing all right; still in a lot of pain, but as the days go by, he is sounding more and more like himself once again..the meds are not affecting his brain like they were.
He said yesterday that his foot was black and blue from the breaking of his ankle and the surgery they did on him...I know that will heal in time.
Thank you for checking on me.
Had a lengthy discussion with my SIL today. My wife's still deep in replay and is in search for that elusive happiness.
It seems as though she's contacting and trying to hook up with all her ex-boyfriends from when she was growing up. Apparently she was talking to one in January and was convinced he was the "one". He stopped talking to her and 2 weeks later she was contacting another ex-boyfriend from when she was 13 and telling her sister that their relationship was 21` years in the making. I just had to laugh. You can't make this stuff up.
Yep, most definitely in replay. No, you can't make it up....it's too original not to be the real deal.
D - sounds like you are taking it all in stride. Craziness! You sound good.
For the most part it wasn't bothering me, but I've had some anger rise up. Time to work out.
I've taken some time to work through my anger. Now that I think it about it more, I think that her prior relationships is the issue she is trying to work through now. I remember when we were first married, she told me that all her other boyfriends broke up with her. I was the only one that ever put up with her "crap". She may be looking for closure. Who knows? I sure don't.
Hi D,
When an MLC'er screams for a divorce he/she thinks it's going to end the pain...yet, when it's all said and done, the pain is STILL there.
She may scream all she wants, but don't you do anything to help her along...you see, she doesn't want to be the bad lady here...she wants yet another reason to blame YOU for her misery and to justify that deep within her, she doesn't deserve a shot at real happiness; not realizing that happiness has to come from within; and is not found in any one person or situation.
You could NEVER have filled that void inside of her, no matter what you did or do now.
I realize you're not going down that road, but thought this might help you understand why she keeps trying to go there even if no action has been taken.
You're having a tough time of it, but doing fine, even if you cannot see that right now. Don't make the mistake of overanalyzing the situation, you'll lose your focus and have to fight to get it back..I was guilty of that once upon a time.
Hang in there, it'll be all right no matter what happens.
FWIW, I'm seeing Replay, as well, and detecting some anger that was left over from that stage..it's an overlap, but she's more in the Replay than in the Anger stage.
Take care of yourself, work on YOU...you're coming right along.
Hi again, D,
Sometimes to understand yourself, you take some time to look at them, and things they said
I've taken some time to work through my anger. Now that I think it about it more, I think that her prior relationships is the issue she is trying to work through now. I remember when we were first married, she told me that all her other boyfriends broke up with her. I was the only one that ever put up with her "crap". She may be looking for closure. Who knows? I sure don't.
I think you've hit the nail on the head; she seems to be looking for closure, plus she's got other issues that probably include abandonment issues of a type. She'll have to settle that herself, but you already know that.
If you know anything about her childhood, that will help you to understand more of what she's looking at within herself.
Most of the issues that are looked at stretch all the way back into childhood long before the LBS ever came into the picture.
It's hard to explain, but I recall seeing different scenes from my childhood, and during those times, I did NOT recognize my husband at all, couldn't call up his name, knew NOTHING about him.
Sounds strange, but it's true. Experiencing that helped me to understand why he acted some of the way he acted toward me, speaking to me as if he didn't know me...and he DIDN'T.
BUT, and I digress, I had to settle these issues within myself, make peace with them, forgive the person or persons who hurt me and move on to the next issue I had...and I had quite a few.
If I could have run away from my husband I probably would have; but something held me; and to this day I cannot explain what it was.
In the end, you just have to keep staying backed off, being available if she wants to talk, vent, taking NOTHING personal; and allowing her to continue on her journey while you take yours.
Hope this helps you.
Have a good one.
HB
THat helps immensely. I know quite a bit about my wife's issues.
Trigger was a close friend of ours died of a sudden heart attack at the age of 40 in 05. She had known him for about 20 years.
I have pictures from Aug and Sept of 06 and you wouldn't believe it's the same person, her appearance changed that much. She also started drinking and smoking.
Her friend dying I believe was one issue she had. She had told me that OM#1 reminded her of him and that was the only reason she liked him.
She has told me in the past that she feels she was emotionally abandoned by her moither growing up. Her mom suffered from depression at the time my wife was growing up and I believe was incapable of being the mother she could have been. OM#2 was a friend of hers from grade school which would have been the same time period that this occurred.
My wife is 33 now. I believe she was going through this about 8 years ago but it never finished. At the time she was having an EA with another one of her ex-boyfriends and was trying to meet up with him when she got caught. I think that's one of the reasons this one is quite severe.
As always, thanks for your input.
To add to my earlier post why she's looking for closure from her previous relationships. She told my SIL after ex-boyfriend #1 stopped talking to her that "maybe it wasn't me all along".
D-
That is how it will roll. What you described above is definitely text book MLC cause and reaction. She is looking for something in her mind.....that just doesn't exist. The old movie love affair that is a delusion.
Keep up the good work.....it is good to understand the causes and realize that what is going on now is just a symptom.
Well my wife texted me a joke yesterday which I didn't bother responding to. Apparently that bothered her because she texted me this morning "Did your phone die?". I sent back a simple no. And she said "You never responded to me yesterday. I thought something was wrong." I just told her I was busy.
Now she's testing me to see if I'll contact her. She had some medical tests done today and was going to text me after. She didn't I think to get me to contact her.
I feel so much better today. I've stopped emotionally investing myself in each interaction and it's very liberating.
Isn't it liberating....I remember when my wife started to come out of the fog. I was outside working and forgot to turn my IM off. She actually called me and asked why I was ignoring her....I told her I was in the yard cleaning and she replied "No you aren't...your IM is on". I explained and she still didn't believe me......funny thing was when she got home and the yard was all cleaned up...LOL.
Hopefully her test went well? Listening to her talk about things like that is good...it shows interest and concern without being relationship focused...what a friend would do.
Not much to say other than I got laid off today.
Sorry brother...been there...still kind of am. This economy just sucks.
Thanks LFW
All I can say is wow. My wife just called me to tell me that she didn't want me to feel that I'm trapped here by my job search because of her and the kids. She would move to wherever I have a job opportunity.
She then went on to ask how my Grandma is doing. When I told her that Grandma wasn't doing well, she told me she wanted me to take a trip to see her. Otherwise she knows I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't see her before anything happened. My wife said she wouldn't clean up the emotional mess if that happened. SHe then said "well I would, I don't want to have to."
Holy crap
I can understand how you'd feel "wow". I hope this is a babystep in the right direction for your M. And good luck with evaluating future options.
Hey D-
So sorry about the lay-off. That truly stinks!
Must mean something better is in store for you!
Interesting reacton by your wife..keep expectations low, as I know you will..I hope the rest of your weekend is good.
D,
Keep your head up! I know there are days that feel like someone punched you in the gut.
Just stay focused on yourself and the kids. Stay strong.....
I've spent the last few days figuring out what I really want to do with my life. My job loss has made me realize I have a real opportunity now to do something I really enjoy.
My wife is going to meet with a mutual friend of ours next week to talk. She told him last night that she knows "her compass is off".
You are doing good D-Money...keep it up.
Hey D,
How you doing? Just stopping by to say what's up.
I hope that you're still feeling optimistic about opportunities and starting fresh
I hope that you're still feeling optimistic about opportunities and starting fresh
Absolutely. It's just a matter of getting a plan to get from Point A to Point B.
On the MLC front, my wife now has joined a dating site. Was told about it, saw it and just shake my head. The description of her ideal first date is exactly what her and I did on our first date.
My heart hurts over this. My head tells me that she's still searching for that "answer". The things she wrote on her profile show her confusion.
Well...sucks to say but confusion = good.
As opposed to packed bags at the front door.
How is the job front going D?
Ugh D. I am expecting to be in your shoes any day, being confronted with evidence that H is dating or more. Glad to hear that you can focus on your job sitch...you can use that focus to your advantage
D is the guy....
That a 40 story building falls around...
And HE is the one who happens to be in the elevator shaft.
Walks away, unharmed, and laughing on his way out...
Nothing but the best to you D......always
That's cause he was smart enough to be in the elevator shaft. : )
Hi D-
Been catching up. Seems like you are handlng your wife joining a dating site with a great attitude. When I thought H did that it stung so much!
Good luck and positive thoughts on the job search!!!
You have the right attitude!
Frustration is the word of the day.
S12 came home today to tell me that my wife told him that she will be going out on a date with a guy she met on Facebook. Sometimes I wonder if she looks at our son as a peer instead of as her child.
Lies, lies, and more lies. It's like she can't help herself. She lies when she doesn't have to. My wife has had some medical tests for pains she's been having(doctors can't find anything wrong). When the nurses ask her if she smokes, she tells them no(she does).
I feel sorry for the guy that's going on a date with her. He thinks we're divorced. He has no idea the amount of baggage she's carrying. He thinks she's a nonsmoker.
I was talking this over with my friend. It takes a certain type of person to handle my wife's personality. She can be loud and brash, to some abrasive. I accept and love her for who she is. Maybe someday she will realize that. Not sure why I wrote any of that. Definitely not to say that I'm some special person.
Hi D-
Your wife probably does see your son as a peer..she's in teenage land right now, right? I think my H sees my D14 as a peer at times..just weird, huh?
Maybe your wife's physical pain is a manifestation of her mental pain-not uncommon, but tricky for doctors to diagnose...
I don't think smoker's can hide the fact that they smoke..you can smell the smoke on clothes..it lingers..so she's probably not really fooling the doctors.
Lies, lies, and more lies. It's like she can't help herself. She lies when she doesn't have to.
Isn't that the MLC way? It seems to be one of the hardest things for all of us LBSers to deal with, maybe because we often are the ones that see or know the truth.
D- Hang in there. Detach. By the way, you ARE special. There is no one else on earth like you.
Thanks K.
I do want to clear up that I wasn't making my wife out to be some awful, unbearable person. She just has an in your face type of personality that people either love or hate. The MLC has magnified that part of her personality. I do see where it is like when we first started dating(she was 18). It softened with age but I've noticed it strongly over the past few weeks.
Good news is I have a job lead. Will hopefully know more by the beginning of next week.
D,
I saw you had posted and was just about to ask if you had any job leads and see you do.:) Hope it leads somewhere!:)
I actually debated letting this guy know what he's getting into but she has to deal with the consequences of her lies.
Someone give me something positive to think about. This guy she will be going on a date with is much more accomplished than I.
What makes you think he is going to like her?
Good point.
I make the mistake of assuming that because I love her, someone else will.
Thanks Lotus
OK after spending the day thinking I realized I'm still thinking of my wife as my spouse instead of just an aquaintance.
Any "relationship" that may come out of it will be based on her lies so is doomed to fail.
I have a question for anyone that might know. My wife has had "feelings" for 5 different men(not all resulted in physical relationships). Each one lasted a shorter period of time than the one before(6 mos. 5mos. 3 mos. 1 month 3 wks). Is this coincidental or is the "high" just not able to be sustained as long? Just found it a bit interesting.
HI D-
Hasn't happened to me, but I think your thought about the "high" being unsustainable could be right...it also could be that because she is in a broken state right now..that no relationship will really "work", not even yours!
Sounds positive that some kind of revelation is happening for her more quickly with each relationship...
I do know from experience, that everything hurt more when I thought of H as my spouse..felt much more personal.
My detachment, as it is progressing, has been helped by the fact that we are getting divorced..I HAVE to detach, as he already is long gone from this relationship as it was..
If we ever find each other again, the relationship will have to be new and different(and better)..but for now he is the father of my beautiful daughters..He seems to be a stanger on so many levels...
So..whatever you can do to detach more will help you find peace where you are right now. I think when everyone says focus on yourself, that is one way to start the mental detachment,but the emotional detachment seems to take alot longer and is trickier to accomplish! But if anyone can do this, I know you can!
I hope the job search is proving fruitful! Thinking of you! Have a wonderful weekend!
KJ, I really appreciate your friendship.
Woke up this morning with a clear head. The emotional detachment is what I have struggled with all along.
I have to remind myself that the person I'm seeing is not my wife but a broken individual.
I have no control over what's going to happen with my wife and this guy. I do know for a fact she's already lied to him before they've even gone on their first date. In time her facade will crack and her true Self will come through. I think that's why the "high" isn't lasting as long.
I actually debated letting this guy know what he's getting into but she has to deal with the consequences of her lies.
Put yourself in his shoes.
If you were going on a first date with someone and her ex-husband contacted you out of the blue to let you know that she is a lying cheater, what would you think?
Part of my head clearing yesterday. Even though my intentions would be good, he wouldn't see it that way. He needs to see her for her true self and find out that we're not actually divorced.
I have to remind myself that the person I'm seeing is not my wife but a broken individual.
Isn't that the truth...It's much easier to show them compassion when you see it this way.
Well things seem to get clearer for me.
I have noticed a pattern with my wife. She has cycled back to the behavior that she exhibited last summer. Almost exactly.
- Her lying has increased
- She's hitting the bars again even though she's on probation
- Instead of OM #2 occupying her time, it is now her computer/Facebook. She's back to not spending time with the kids.
- Little things like complaining that the clothes and toys she buys them are brought to my house. When she cycled closer to me it wasn't a problem. Now it's a problem again.
- Spending money on frivolous things and then complaining she doesn't have any money.
- Searching for OM to be the "one"
Fortunately I've been through this before but this time I know what I'm dealing with.
D, it's good you can recognized the cycles. It sucks that she is doing it again. I am so impressed by the way you are handling all of this and for the way you deal with your W.
I think you posted this earlier, but the cylces seem to be shorter each time?
Hi Money, you seem to be doing well on detachment, like you are observing (her) from the outside. Good job.
TF-
What I posted before was that her feelings for each OM seemed to be successively shorter for each. I didn't know if that meant anything.
What I'm noticing now is it seems like we've bounced back a year with her current behaviors. If I've read correctly, that means she's resolved one set of issues and is now working on a different set.
D-
It sounds like the affairs have become blocking points for her journey. My wife was similar...until one relationship just ended with no explanation. That set her off pretty bad.....but I also think that is what really got her moving again on her journey.
So basically she will continue to cycle until one of these relationships rocks her enough to question herself....or she just does it on her own.
The shortness could mean a lot of things.....she is getting sick of dealing with boys or the boys are getting sick of dealing with her....who knows? No real reason to focus on it.
D-
How are YOU doing? What's going on with you right now?
LFW-
Not focusing, just found it interesting. Not all 5 were affairs. The first 3 were, but the last 2 were objects of her affection that didn't reciprocate the feelings. I do agree with you that looking for that "one" is her blocking point and I don't know that she will ever get past that.
K-
No word on the job front yet, but it does give me the opportunity to go on D7's field trip tomorrow.
Good luck with the job search D
Well as of Wednesday, wife was still planning on going on a date on Saturday. She didn't go. I only know because when she was supposed to be on her date, she was IM'ng from home and his picture is off her Facebook page.
We'll see what happens from here.
Taking the kids to see How to Train a Dragon today and I get to go on D9's field trip on Thursday.
As teenagers go, your w is fickle about relationships right now, i.e., bouncing from one to the other. Guess she wasn't up for the date last night. The removal of the OM's photo from facebook is a telling story in and of itself...that one is history.
Enjoy the movie today. It looks like it's a good one for all ages. Where are you going on the field trip? I think it's wonderful that you are going w/your daughter.
D- Your W sure lost interest in that one fast! That does sound very teenager-y. I hope she wakes up one day soon from all this searching to realize she already has a true gem in you.
Enjoy your day with your kids!
Hi D,
The first 3 were, but the last 2 were objects of her affection that didn't reciprocate the feelings.
I agree with the others, this sure sounds like a teenage girl behavior.
You are doing great, hang in there and observe. (((hugs)))
Enjoy the movie today. It looks like it's a good one for all ages. Where are you going on the field trip? I think it's wonderful that you are going w/your daughter.
We're going to see a movie called Mysteries of the Great Lakes. While the lay off has caused some upheaval it's also created some opportunities to do things with my kids that I wouldn't have been available to do before. Last week I was able to go to a nature conservatory with D7's class to see a tropical butterfly exhibit. That was awesome. In fact going to take all 3 kids there in a couple of weeks.
D, you are a good daddy. Hopefully when the fog clears your W will realize how lucky she is. If not, her loss.
I'm sorry about the lay off, but you've been given a golden opportunity to spend time w/your children. The tropical butterfly exhibit sounds awesome! The children will definitely enjoy seeing the butterflys!
I have to say I am touched by the kind words. I appreciate it more than you know.
The movie was great. I don't get to spoil them very often. It felt really good.
Glad you had a good time at the movie with your kids! I know what you mean about spoiling them. Next week my kids dont' have school so I am trying so hard to put money worries behind and spoil the kids a bit - it is so worth it!
I'm very glad to come here this evening and see that the movie was great. Did the children enjoy it as much as you did? I know it's touch being w/o a job right now, but take this opportunity to bond more w/your children. They need to know that you are there for them and are willing to spend time doing things of interest to them. It is very important that you do this.
Also, the time you've spent w/them is also time you've not focused on your lost wife.
There is a reason for everything that happens to us on this journey. The man upstairs has a way of showing us what is important right now, not yesterday, not tomorrow, but right now.
Take care of yourself.
They did. I just don't think they enjoyed it as much as daddy because daddy really really liked it.
In it's own way the lay off is wonderful because I am doing all these wonderful things with them that they will always remember. The weather's getting warmer and they have Spring Break next week so we'll be doing projects outside.
Snodderly, I think I've seen you mention the old adage "A watched pot never boils." That is where I found myself. I was so focused on my wife that I was killing myself because I wasn't seeing any change in her.
Time is truly a gift, isn't it? My kids do enjoy getting "stuff" (what kid doesn't?) but the things they love are the activities, even if it is just to the park (I am all about cheap or free!). Those are definitely the things they will remember, not the stuff.
I'm glad you are able to see the silver lining in the layoff. Still, I hope you are able to find work soon.
Interesting day today
Best part of the day. I went on D9's field trip. The first time I really got to spend one on one time with her. She is such an amazing girl.
Now to the weird part. My wife has the kids this weekend and she's taking them to her Grandma's for Easter. I sent her a text asking what I sent her a text asking what I needed to send with kids clotheswise. She replied to just send something nice. I said thanks for letting me know. Then she texted the following:
"No problem. Having a hard time. Alone time needed. Thanks for understanding."
D-
Did she think she'd told you already about needing alone time? The text at least seemed that she was regarding you as a friend.
Don't spend too much time analyzing the text...its easy to watch that water in the pot, so to speak. But its a waste of your precious time!
Sounds like the time with your daughter was really great! Those are the moments to cherish! She's going to remember those times too.
No, the exchanges between us were light and joking and then this one came out of the blue. And her telling me that she needs alone time is out of the norm for her.
In addition to that she seems to be cutting herself off from the outside world. She has 2 cell phones, one that she carries and one she uses as her "home" phone. She texted me this morning that if I need to get a hold of her to contact her on the "home" phone. There's only 4 or 5 people that have that number.
And then there's Facebook. She posted at 1:30 this morning(she's been having trouble sleeping lately) that she's done, plain and simple.
There seems to be more going on with her. I will leave her be until she's ready to contact me.
D - If I missed something, sorry, but what was your W referring to when she said that she was done?
I will leave her be until she's ready to contact me.
Sounds like a good plan D....
How the heck are YOU ?
We need to grab a beer again sometime...
D - If I missed something, sorry, but what was your W referring to when she said that she was done?
I don't know exactly. That's her terminology that she uses when she's given up. I get the feeling that she feels everything is hopeless.
Sounds like a good plan D....
How the heck are YOU ?
We need to grab a beer again sometime...
I'm doing great. I've made some changes in the past couple of weeks that have me looking at life in a different light. I'm getting to enjoy my kids collectively as well as individually. THey are each really amazing people.
Definitely on the beer
I get the feeling that she feels everything is hopeless.
Not to speculate but maybe she is in depression stage and out of replay.
OP
That is what I'm thinking MAY be happening but I'm keeping my expectations in check and just watching waiting to see what happens.
D, those were my thoughts too about your W being in depression stage. Does she say she's done often, or just lately?
Just lately. And she has never admitted that she's having a hard time and needs to be alone.
Good plan to remain detached but watchful.
Of course I forgot that she had 5 OM's so it could just be OM withdrawl. But all you can do is watch the movie and eat some popcorn.
My wife is all over the place. I dropped the kids off at her place and she was CRABBY. She was drinking last night. The monster was out today for sure.
Sounds like staying detached right now is important especially if she is all over the place so you don't get sucked into the drama.
Have a great weekend!
I need some prayers. My wife's Grandpa fell and broke his hip in 3 places last night and needs to have surgery today. He was already very sick and I worry he won't survive the surgery.
Unfortunately my wife and I aren't speaking to each other right now. Do I reach out to her?
D,
So sorry to hear about her grandpa - praying for the surgery! If I were you, I would reach out to your W. Keep your expectations about her response low, but I think it would be a good thing to do. I wouldn't push anything, but definitely let her know you care, all that. Let her see your kindness and compassion.
D -
I would reach out to W. Your a great guy and although you are going thru this I would continue to be the person that you are. I would not bring up any R discussion just a simple.."my prayers are with you". You may want to offer up some sort of support as well "let me know if thier is anything I can do during this difficult time".
God Bless,
Eric
I hope that grandpa will pull through. I agree with TF & Eric, I would reach out and offer support as well. If she reacts negatively, don't be disappointed...you should feel good about caring in this situation, no matter what her reaction will be.
D,
I'd have reached out if that happened to my wife, just offer condolences and ask if there is anything she needs. Same thing with her family, mother and father.
I agree...reach out and offer support to her during this time. I do hope the gentleman recovers soon.
They had to postpone surgery until tomorrow afternoon. His potassium was too high so they have to do dialysis in the morning to bring it down.
We talked for a bit this afternoon. I asked if it was OK if I was there. I told her that I didn't want her to be uncomfortable and would understand if she didn't want me to be there. She said she didn't want me to be unwelcome.
Talked to my Dad this morning and found out my Grandma has congestive heart failure and is wheelchair bound. She's not doing well.
Oh my, D Money, I'm so sorry. You have so much on your plate right now. I feel for you. Stay strong...
My best wishes to your Grandma, hopefully the doctors can improve her condition with drug treatment.
Thanks Mila. I really appreciate your thoughts. Considering everything that's going on, I'm holding up pretty well. First step is getting through Grandpa's surgery today. He is very frail, and both my wife and I fear he won't make it.
One thing at a time.
I hope everything went well today. I have kept him in my thoughts and prayers. I'm also sorry to hear about your grandmother. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers as well.
Please know that we are all here for you.
D, when it rains it pours. Please take care of yourself, you have a lot going on. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
DM, My condolences. I am sorry you have so much to deal with. I hope that you are able to take gentle care of yourself.
D, so sorry to hear your grandma is also not doing well. Hope you are holding up okay! Praying for you and your family. . .
It's hard when loved ones are in a health crisis. Thinking of you and your family...
D - I am sorry and will be praying for you and your family.
Spent majority of the past 2 days at the hospital. Grandpa's surgery went fine Tuesday evening but an hour after he was back in his room his blood pressure started to drop. My wife and I both left around 10:30. My wife texted me at 12:30AM to tell me that they moved him to ICU. Found out later at this point, he almost passed away.
I met wife yesterday morning and we rode to the hospital together to relieve her mom and grandma. He's in critical but stable condition but was doing better by the time we left yesterday. His blood pressure is back up to normal so they were able to start giving him pain meds.
I'm glad I was able to be there for them and I know it was appreciated by everyone including my wife.
Thanks averyone for the thoughts and prayers. This place really is a blessing.
DM, That's a very good news that grandpa is going OK.
You should feel good about being there. I'm sure that it made more impact on your wife then she would admit to herself right now but she will remember it.
DM, You are a good man and a stand up guy.
I'm glad grandpa is holding his own.
Well didn't go to the hospital today. MIL called to tell me that the heart doctor came to check on Grandpa. Found that at some point over the past couple days, he had a mild heart attack. The doctor is not optomistic about Grandpa making it through this. Grandpa is a fighter though. Going back to the hospital tomorrow.
The stress from all this caused my wife and I to get into an argument. I forgot some of my DB principles. I knew she was upset and tried to push her to talk to me. She got angry because I was pushing and I got frustrated because she wasn't talking. So I left her house with both of us angry.
When I got home I IM'ed her and told her I was sorry we argued. She said she was sorry too and told me that the more people push her to talk the more she wants to run away. She wants to be left alone to deal with it. I told her that I was learning to handle these situations differently but sometimes that I slip and fall and that I was sorry. She said that her dad told her that she's the rock of the family and they look to her to be the strong one. That she won't show her pain until the curtain falls and she's in private. I told her that I understood and was here if she needed someone to lean on. I get the feeling she was talking about more than just this situation.
DM, You are a good man and a stand up guy.
I'm glad grandpa is holding his own.
Thanks SA. My wife has actually told me the same thing and then adds that she doesn't have any romantic feelings for me though.
It gets frustrating because I don't know what the hell she's looking for. When we do spend time together we have fun together and we are very compatible. What else is there? OK I'm done venting about that.
DM, it's OK. Sometimes arguments happen, no matter how resolved you are not to get into any. I've done the same thing. I would loose my cool and he would get into defensive and voila...an argument. Don't forget that you are both highly stressed.
After such an argument I would feel terrible and I would email him to apologize and he would do the same. And that actually feels good when you are both able to apologize to each other...it somehow made me feel closer to him. And your W actually opened up a little to you, talking about her feelings. It may not be what you wanted to hear, but that's all that she can offer right now.
Hang in there and I hope that grandpa pulls through.
I am glad you are able to be there for your W and her family right now, though I am sure in some ways it is really hard. I do think this will speak volumes to her.
Have a good weekend!
Finally some good news. Grandpa is doing well enough to be moved out of the ICU.
I texted wife to update her. Her response? "OK. FYI I'm in a terrible f'n mood and NO I don't want to talk about it."
I responded "OK I respect that. You know I'm here if you do. I won't push you anymore."
Glad to hear Grandpa is doing well. Sorry to hear about your W's terrible mood - better steer clear.:)
Well I will probably be going to the hospital with her later. I can navigate stormy waters though. I've had plenty of practice.
She will probably have her mask on by then anyhow.
"OK. FYI I'm in a terrible f'n mood and NO I don't want to talk about it."
You're a better man than I cause I think I would have responded:
"Sooooo...back to normal then?"
Hope your day is a good one D.
Well, if her mask is on hopefully you won't have to hear any spew.:)
I'm very happy to read that grandpa is doing better and is being moved out of the ICU. He's still not out of the woods, but he's making progress.
As for your wife, sounds like she's not a happy camper and I wonder if it's because she's not the center of the universe right about now.
I have to agree w/Jack...you are so much better at this than I would have been.
Spent the majority of the day at the hospital yesterday. Grandma was alert and talking and eating. They were able to get him up to take a few steps too.
Didn't go today but spent some time today talking to my wife through IM. I let her initiate. Mostly about stuff going on with her cousin, but the conversation led in a different direction. I was able to express some of the work I've done on myself, but not in an overtly "Hey I've changed" way. While she didn't acknowledge that she's noticed any changes in me, she did say that she was glad that I was able to look back and learn from my mistakes.
It really hit me after reading what I wrote, how much different I am today than I used to be. I feel damn good.
It's so great to hear that you're feeling good about yourself
. It sounds like the 180s are working for YOU...and I guess that's the whole idea.
D -
Just know that I am taking cues from your sitch...I'm learning a lot just reading your thread buddy.
Eric
Grandma was alert and talking and eating. They were able to get him up to take a few steps too.
Oops. I meant Grandpa. At least he won't read this to see I called him Grandma. He would be thrilled.
Eric,
I'm glad I could be of help in some way. I don't always feel I'm able to give good advice because there are days I feel unsure of what I'm doing myself.
D-
Sorry I haven't posted to you much through Grandfather's health crisis. I've been so busy with the girls-just barely time to catch some sleep at night. I'm so glad Grandpa is doing better! Sounds like there's been some good communication/interaction with your wife, too!
You have come a long way! Ever steady! I think you've gotten so good at patience and letting things just be, when needed. And enjoying the good moments and having compassion!
No worries KJ. No need to be sorry. I had to laugh when you said I was doing well with the patience because I don't feel like I am.
You're still here and working on things aren't you? More than a year later? That's patience my friend!
Not much going on. Spent 2 hours IM'ing with my wife last night. We had a lot of laughs. Had a small positive. My FIL, BIL, and son sing in a chorus. In May they will be attending a convention an hour and a half from here. They will be going down on Friday, performing on Saturday and then coming home Saturday night. My wife is going down with them. That is her weekend to have the kids so she was thinking about taking the girls too. Last night she said she was thinking about the convention and suggested the girls stay with me and then to come down for the concert on Saturday. I told her that sounded good. It was nice that she invited me.
Hey D, that was a positive exchange with your W. You bet that it was nice that she invited you
Maybe whatever you've been doing is getting some results?
Hi D Money,
Im glad that your w invited you to the concert . You must be doing alot of good work on your marriage.
You must be doing alot of good work on your marriage.
I think Mr. Money has worked on himself more than anything.
Rysmom, you'll soon begin to see that is all you can do. Focus on improving you.
It takes two to work on a marriage.
You come first, you fix you. If your spouse decides to turn in your direction down the road then, that's wonderful. Unfortunately we don't have control over that.
D,
I hope things continue to improve for you and your family.
You are in my prayers.
D -
Kusdos on the positive interactions. I pray that everything keeps moving in the right direction.
God Bless,
Eric
Slow and steady . . . you are an inspiration.:)
D, so nice to hear about the progress. What do you think you are doing that makes this possible? It's important to recognize how your actions have paved the way so that you know to do more of them
Slow and steady . . . you are an inspiration.:)
That's what I really had to improve on...slow and steady. I feel like I can now be friends with her without putting pressure on her.
And that is where I need to be, too. I feel like my H and I are friends again so I need to make sure I am keeping any pressure off still. It's good for me to see examples of others doing this.:)
Hard, isn't it? There were times I was pressuring her without even realizing it. You have to measure everything.
Very, very true. It is so easy for me especially since my H is still in the house to also start acting "wifely" and slip back into that role. I have to CONSTANTLY be reminding myself to back off so I don't.
Have been IM'ing with wife the past few days. Caught myself starting to pressure so I'm backing off for now to give her some space and gather my patience.
D, it is great that you now recognize when you start to do that and can 'catch' yourself.
Here's hoping the positives keep coming! You're doing awesome!!!
Well she ended up IM'ing me about 9 last night asking to do something for S12. We ended up talking for a couple of hours. Nothing deep, but I've learned to let her steer the conversation.
I don't visit or post much, but just wanted you to know I am following your progress and thinking of you. Hoping for more good things coming your way. Keep up what you are doing... slow and steady and all.
-Pam
D- Keep journaling, you are doing great
good for you for continuing to keep the pressure off!
I've noticed something with my wife and it just makes me laugh. She cannot admit any feelings for me at all. To the point it's comical.
I have been complimenting her and acknowledging positive behavior. I don't go overboard but I didn't do a good job of that in the past. Her response is very teenagerish. For instance, D9 has a fundraiser and my wife had some great ideas to help her out so I told her, "You are such a good Mom". Her response? "Well,Duh". That's how it is with every compliment. So I was joking with her and said that I wouldn't compliment her anymore. She says "No, I need a reason to say duh."
Then yesterday I had a flat tire. I called her and asked if she could bring me a can of fix a flat, which she did. We were talking last night and I told her that I really appreciated her help. She said "You would have done the same thing". I agreed and she says "So we're even." I asked "How are we even?". "Because I said so."
There's other stories where she's done stuff for me but she will deflect anything that suggests she did it because she cares for me. Is this what we talk about when we say look at the actions and not the words?
D Money
Do you know what your W LL is? She may be speaking to you in this language rather than the normal ones that you are used to.
Consider "acts of service" as a form of communication.
D - interesting responses from your W! You're right, it does seem like she doesn't want to admit to any kind of feelings, yet actions speak louder than words! Give her time and space and see how this progresses. You are already doing a great job of it!
My H is a bit the same way. He brought me some flowers the day before V-day and I was in such shock that unfortunately the first words out of my mouth were "what are these for?" His response? "I don't know." I did go on to thank him, etc. but it was kinda funny.
Keep up what you are doing. Any news on the job front?
No news on the job front. D9 broke her collarbone at school today. She was running, tripped and landed on her shoulder. She's doing OK right now.
D - I'm so sorry for your D. I'm glad that she is doing OK. Thank God that kids are so resilient and heal fast.
She's a tough little girl. She never cried once.
There's other stories where she's done stuff for me but she will deflect anything that suggests she did it because she cares for me. Is this what we talk about when we say look at the actions and not the words?
Yup, you got it. Believe NONE of what you hear, half of what you see...watch their actions, they seem to tell the tale first, the words come later on. Sometimes MUCH later on.
One day at a time, one step at a time..it's frustrating and slow, I know.
Hope your little girl gets to feeling better, D. I know that broken collarbone has gotta hurt.
Have a good one.
So sorry about your D! I hope she heals quickly and feels better soon.
sorry to hear about your daughter. Hope she is doing okay. A similar situation happened to my son 3 yrs ago. A kid pushed him down in gym class when they were running and my son broke and dislocated his wrist. h didnt even come to hospital with us.
D-
Sorry to hear about your daughter- I hope she's mending fast!
Hang in there on the job front...you're one great guy and I know the right job will surface-just keep your eyes open!
Wife knew I had lunch with a friend (doesn't know who) yesterday and I think she was checking up on me today.
She texted me asking if I could fill D9's prescription. I told her I could later but that I was currently in the city. She says "Well I may be able to do it then". I asked if D9 was going to need it right away and she says "No but if you were available I was just going to see if you could". She ended up going and getting it herself.
D -
Sorry to hear about your D. Keep up the good work man. I pulling for you!
Eric
Had quite the interesting discussion through IM with my wife. I may have made a couple of mistakes. Where do I start?
Some excerpts:
First she told me about a dream she had while taking a nap this afternoon. The dream was her telling my dad that he couldn't boss her around anymore and he attacked her. I came to her rescue by putting a towel around my dad's neck.
I tried joking with her about something. When normally she would have laughed, she bristled. I asked if she was down. She said a little but nothing she wanted to talk about right now. I told her I wasn't going to push her to talk.
She was drinking...again. I told her that I was concerned that she drinks to forget her problems. That I've had friends go down that road and never come back. She says she doesn't drink to forget her problems. She drinks to get pissed at her problems. She never forgets her problems. WTH does that mean? I changed the subject.
She was joking later in the conversation. I told her that I love her sense of humor. She gave me a
.
I don't remember what the topic was, but it lead me to tell her that I feel the best that I have in years and that I realized I was the one holding me back from enjoying my life. She said she was glad I felt that way. And then she said she was going to log off and just watch baseball which tells me that she wanted to be alone.
She says she doesn't drink to forget her problems. She drinks to get pissed at her problems. She never forgets her problems. WTH does that mean?
Well they do call it liquid courage. Some use drinking to feel stronger/more powerful.
D Money
Sounds to me like she really just needs to be alone to process her feelings. Based on what you posted I don't think you made any mistakes. I think the fact that you are having conversations and that she is smiling or laughing in some cases is good. This of course is just IMO.
God Bless,
Eric
D, I agree with Eric. Sounds like you handled your last convo with your W well. Good job!
And I agree with the two above.:) I think you are doing a great job backing off when she needs that alone time/doesn't want to talk about things.
Well went to barbershop (singing) convention yesterday. FIL,BIL, and S12 were performing in a chorus, which their chorus won. YAY!
The day went well for the most part until the very end of the night. Her mask dropped and the crabby monster came out. She was ripping into S12 for a number of things. When I tried to diffuse the situation, she ripped into me saying the issue was a carryover from the night before. When I apologized because I didn't know that it was an ongoing issue, she said I should have asked her. There was no reason for me to ask.
I asked S12 about it on the way home and he said there was no issue from the night before, that she was in a good mood. He also told me that he saw her on another dating site. THis is the 3rd one in a month. Apparently not getting the results she wants. I checked out the profile and the description of the person she's looking for is me. I did let my emotion get to me and I told her that I was sick of her BS. That whatever I do is wrong in her eyes. She didn't respond.
I've noticed her faulty memory twice in the past week. When we took D9 to the doctor for her collarbone, she told D9 that she was the first in the family to break a bone. I've broken 3, which she said well I guess you're not the first then. She had known about all 3, one of which she was present when it happened.
The other had to do with one of the issues she was ripping into S12 for last night. It was something that had occurred 2 months ago. I had told her all about it then. She brought it up yesterday out of the blue and when I explained it to her again it was as if I had never told her before.
She's having a rather difficult time of it, isn't she? Depression and her mind whizzing about 150 miles per hour in her head. Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants and yes, it's quite interesting that she's out there searching for someone exactly like you. My guess is that she doesn't even realize what she's looking for and that it's right there in front of her.
They do have a tendency to bring up things that have happened in the past. It's like the memory is shot and the short term memory is gone.
I'm glad all of you had the opportunity to go to the convention. I bet she felt left out and didn't get all of the attention that she thought she should have. Most likely a big jealous of her own son...
You did very well in dealing w/her yesterday. I'm sorry her twin came otu to play. I do hope that she settles down ver soon. Please take care of yourself and your son.
Quite interesting indeed! I take it as a positive though. Her first profile a couple months ago, she had no clue what she was looking for now she does. Now if she can connect the dots and realize that I'm what she wanted to begin with.
D- here's to hoping she realizes soon exactly who it is she is looking for.:) You've been right there all along!
D - I second trusting! I think you handled the above sitch fine.
I'm pulling for you dude!
God Bless,
Eric
I ended up asking my wife last night if she was still blaming me for her unhappiness. She says that she doesn't blame me for anything and that she's not unhappy. She has her moments but she's decided that she deserves to be happy. That she would make sure she would let me know if there's anything I do that bothers and so far there's nothing.
Wow - you are brave! That is a question I too would like (I think) to ask my H but am way to afraid to!
I only asked her because she doesn't really project towards me anymore. I've noticed the majority of her anger lately has been directed toward her job. You know she says she's not unhappy but it's obviously noticeable to other people as well. Apparently one of her friends challenged her to be super nice and positive for a month and there's a number of people that are betting that she can't.
I'm glad she's not projectng onto you any more-it sure stinks when they do! You're doing great D!
You are doing great! Keep up the good work!
I have a question if what's happening is normal (well as normal as something can be in MLC). I know everyone is different but I look at other situations and see the spouse at some point wavers. My wife isn't like that at all. She is so steadfast and adamant that she's never coming back and we're never getting back together. Sometimes it gets discouraging for me.
D,
Some are more adament then others. It depends upon the individual, childhood and crisis. You have one that is a little bit more stubborn and needs to keep reminding herself and others that she's not coming back. It's their mantra.
It is discouraging, but you need to let her comments roll off your back like water does a duck's back! Continue doing what you are and let her comments roll!
Snodderly I had to chuckle when you said that she seems to be a little stubborn. My wife's description of herself is stubborn and mule-headed, so it makes sense.
Your response helps to ease my mind and not worry about that. It's good to know that it's "normal" and to not take it personally.
I do think some keep saying it to remind themselves . . .
Nothing new really going on right now. I have noticed a pattern with my wife. We went about 3 weeks of talking on a regular basis. I have now noticed that my wife has pulled back over the past couple weeks and she has increased her dating sites to 3 (but no dates) and her going out has increased. It will be interesting to see if this pattern keeps up.
Still nothing on the job front. I have decided to go in a different direction and go back to school for a different career. The state of Michigan will pay for 2 years of education for anyone that's on unemployment. It's an opportunity I feel I should take advantage of and do something that I will enjoy.
Wow - that sounds like a great opportunity you shouldn't pass up! Would they pay for you to continue school even if you were to find a new job down the line, or would that stop once you were off unemployment?
That's what I have to find out. I go for an information session on Wednesday to learn more, but they pay for everything including books etc. up to $5,000 per year. I may not ever get this kind of opportunity again so I want to take advantage of it.
Holy crap! My wife and SIL got into a major blowup yesterday to the point that SIL is threatening to kill her. I ended up going and staying at my wife's house for the night so she wasn't alone. We had a good time together.
She's going to the police today to see about getting a restraining order against her sister. What a mess!
Funny how I'm the one she runs to.
Funny how when you detach from the MLC storm that it hits someone else who is in its path.
Keep flying under the radar D. You're doing great!
Funny how when you detach from the MLC storm that it hits someone else who is in its path.
To be very fair to my wife, OP, this is more about her older sister's issues. My wife grew up in fear of her sister. When they were growing up SIL chased my wife around the house with an unloaded shotgun telling her she was going to kill her (wife didn't know the gun was unloaded). On another occasion SIL stabbed my wife with a pencil and deliberately broke it off and told my wife that she was going to die of lead poisoning. My wife still has that piece of lead stuck in her shoulder to this day.
I guess it's fairly obvious that SIL is one of my wife's childhood issues.
I guess it's fairly obvious that SIL is one of my wife's childhood issues.
I thought your wife lived with SIL? Sorry I don't remember.
No my wife lives by herself. You mean you can't keep every single detail of every thread you read straight?
It sounds like SIL has major issues!
It seems as though my wife's world is starting to crash down around her. She was told by her boss today that she is the most expendable person there and she's as good as gone. She called to tell me that and was crying and then telling me how she's behind on all of her bills and she'a afraid of being evicted because she's 2 months behind on rent.
It was a struggle for me to listen and not offer any solutions, but I didn't. She has to be the one to figure out how to fix it.
You mean you can't keep every single detail of every thread you read straight?
LOL Nice one D.
So how are YOU doing with what your wife told you? Finding it hard not riding in like a white knight to fix everything?
I think you're doing the right thing by not offering solutions.
I struggled with biting my tongue at the time but I do know that if I attempt to fix it for her she's not going to learn. How would she ever turn the corner if I don't allow her to hit bottom? Not saying it will be her bottom but it might be.
Good for you D....resisting being the rescuer. You are right sometimes we have to let them fall for them to learn a lesson.
This also means that you are pretty detached
Not sure how to handle this. My wife spends quite a lot of time on facebook. I've noticed that she won't comment on anything that I put on facebook but she will communicate through every other avenue.
Today I said something to her about it. She said it's because facebook is very public and we're already sending mixed signals and she doesn't want them to become more mixed. She tells everyone already that we're friends and we talk every day so I don't know why this would be such a big deal. Is it possible the signals that are mixed are in her head?
I told her that if I wasn't good enough to be "seen" communicating with her, maybe we shouldn't talk at all. She didn't respond. I guess I will just stay quiet for now and see what happens.
D - you already gave yourself an answer "stay quiet"
I wouldn't challenge or question her actions. Their brains are so scrambled that they come up with some strange justifications that no one else can understand but them.
Well we ended up talking about it this evening. She IM'ed me to see if she could have the kids tomorrow. Of course I said she could. I asked why she was afraid of what other people think. She said she wasn't afraid but her issue was the perception would be that there was more than a friendship between us. That it was one thing to IM and text but a whole other to be on a very public forum. I brought up the fact that she's the one that has told everyone that we talk all the time. She relented but said she would be pissed at her family if they start harrassing her more than they already do about us getting back together.
I found that statement odd. At my request a few months ago, her family has made a conscious effort to not even talk about me and to go along with her when she says that we're not getting back together. Is she questioning things in her mind about us and projecting onto her family?
D,
It's the guilt eating at her. Apparetnly every time she has communications w/family, she's feeling a bit of guilt and shame for what she's done. They don't have to say one word, but she knows what they are thinking.
She's projecting on to others because she cannot look at herself in the mirror just yet. She's been questioning things in her mind since the day the Mother Ship took her.
BTW, email, facebook, etc. are safe havens for them and they can communicate better using these tools because they don't have to look at us in the face or hear our voices. Why? personal contact makes them feel guilty.
Detach a bit more and allow her comments to roll off your back.
Well I talked to MIL after church today. Got some interesting info. Apparently my wife's older sister (the one that was threatening to kill her last week) wants to go to counseling together with my wife. My wife reluctantly agreed.
I guess my wife calls her younger sister whenever she's drunk, crying. And yet she says she's not unhappy.
Hi D,
And yet she says she's not unhappy
That just proves the saying "Don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do"
Oh, Mila, I know. When I type these things it makes it easy for me to see how whacked out she is. It reinforces the fact that I'm not the one going crazy.
Sorry to go back to two months ago in this quote, but it just made me laugh out loud...
2 weeks later she was contacting another ex-boyfriend from when she was 13 and telling her sister that their relationship was 21` years in the making. I just had to laugh. You can't make this stuff up.
D Money, I just became aware of your thread/sitch and I've been reading and am impressed, although My H is a male your W a female, with all the diffs that come along in there... to see the similarities.
My H used to sit at the same lunch table with OW in high school - a FEW times, mind you... and they both say they've been 25 years in the making... she actually told me that - in a nutshell, my LIVING WITH him day in and day out for 12 years is nothing compared to the 25 years they've known each other. Ridiculous, isn't it? They may have said two words to each other 25 years ago and then no contact since HS until his reunion... and suddenly, it's a relationship a quarter of a century in the making.
I'm going to read the rest of your thread on my lunch break, I'm enjoying seeing the nuttiness of your W that so closely matches my H's MLC. Sorry you have to do this, but it's good to inject a little laughter into it.
M&H
That is funny. It is just so over the top.
That ex-boyfriend that my wife was talking about she hadn't seen for over 15 years and they were boyfriend/girlfriend for a week at summer camp.
D - I find it interesting that so many sitches on here involve someone from the past...usually a teen crush. That's why it's called "replay" I guess.
Mine went back 40 years. My H is living with the ow that dumped him when they were 16. Supposedly he never got over her. Funny how in our 27 years of marriage he never once spoke of her. Until the bomb that is.
LOL, SA - same here. H actually told MIL that he "was too intimidated by her to actually talk to her, and always carried a piece of her in his heart"
Really? He never got over the girl that sat across the table from him at lunch...
It's whatever makes them feel better.
DMoney, I finished your thread... lots of good going on with you. I was attracted to your sitch b/c you and I both have MILs that are totally on our side and trying to help us DB. My FIL hasn't been able to kick OW out of any family functions, but he's waiting with baited breath to. LOL.
My MIL understands a bit more what my wife is going through. She was sexually abused as a child and suffered from depression when my wife was growing. She understands that she has a lot to do with my wife's childhood issues. Her whole family knows that my wife has issues that she needs to deal with and they get frustrated.
MIL knows what it's like to have depression color your thoughts and actions so she's totally convinced that my wife's feelings for me will return when she gets through this.
You're very lucky to have her. She may wind up being a part of why your W comes back... let's hope they solve their issues during/after your W's MLC.
My MIL stood up and told H that she would not accept OW and that I am her daughter now, not just a DIL, and he needs to get counseling. He said "you don't understand, I have been feeling this way for YEARS, ma, YEARS." She said "BS" and he left in a huff, wrote her an email, told her she hurt his feelings and she lost a son in this... then a week later was back at her house with a new arsenal about how crazy I was and no one but he has ever seen that "dark" side of me... she said "BS" and repeated her script... LOL... he was back a week later again trying to get her to accept his new "soul mate" and she had out our wedding pictures and family pictures all over the house. He is NOT happy. I made sure he saw that I have a key to her house. He doesn't have a key to her house. Said "how do you rate?" She's been reading MLC websites so that she knows how to react and what to expect. It's hard on them, though, and so I have made a promise only to ask for their help when he starts to really go off the deep end and leave them out of the every day stuff.
It is very important to him that MIL/FIL accept his new OW so he can move on... and she refuses. It really throws a kink into his plans.
I liken it to those sci fi movies, when you have a robot and you ask it a question outside of it's programming... the head twitches back and forth, it starts spewing "does not computer, does not compute" and then the head blows up...
These MLCers have their little scripts written in their heads, they see their futures all planned out (in Hollyweird scripts) and then someone doesn't go along and it just makes them throw a temper tantrum like crazy. My MIL sent me the pages long emails he would send her, very disjointed and crazy, trying desperately to convince her... and then "does not compute, does not computer" and he'd throw a temper tantrum that I'd be embarrassed if a four year old threw.
Well, sorry to write a book. Just thought you may get a kick, a little different than your W as she had real issues with her mother, my MIL was controlling but loving, so not as bad... but I'm still sure that he's projecting her control issues onto me, so it seems to be an issue in his MLC.
More from the wacky world of MLC
S12 was talking to my mom yesterday and told her:
"My dad does a real good job when he goes grocery shopping. He always knows what we need and gets it. My mom has no idea what we have and she goes to the store and just buys stuff. She gets stuff that we have plenty of."
"My dad does a real good job when he goes grocery shopping. He always knows what we need and gets it. My mom has no idea what we have and she goes to the store and just buys stuff. She gets stuff that we have plenty of."
They call it like they see it don't they? You gotta love it!
So very true...... and to think, some of us spend time wondering if anyone else actually "sees it" as well.
Oh, and that's Mr. Trapt to you. I saw that comment about some one being perceptive. LOL
I hope your son doesn't say these things to her. I know he's blowing off steam and I don't blame her, but it's this kind of stuff that will make it hard for her to forgive herself and build her self esteem when this is all over. I know it's a little thing, but it would matter a great deal to me if the kids thought I didn't do grocery shopping well.
D - the story of your W shopping reminds me of my H. He has no interest in day-to-day existential tasks, no patience for anything and is very forgetful. I also think that their ability to concentrate on tasks like shopping is limited...
I hope your son doesn't say these things to her. I know he's blowing off steam and I don't blame her, but it's this kind of stuff that will make it hard for her to forgive herself and build her self esteem when this is all over. I know it's a little thing, but it would matter a great deal to me if the kids thought I didn't do grocery shopping well.
He doesn't say anything to her. He's afraid she will get mad at him if he says anything like that to her. She started smoking when this whole thing started. She hid it well for 2 years but it's really picked up over the past year. She doesn't know that kids knows she smokes. They won't say anything because they've seen her anger and they walk on eggshells around her.
Oh, and that's Mr. Trapt to you. LOL
Pffft!!!
D.....lets talk about those Canes....
Anything good this year ?
Oh, and that's Mr. Trapt to you. LOL
Pffft!!!
D.....lets talk about those Canes....
Anything good this year ?
He's trying to convince himself.
As for the Canes, brutal schedule. We have speed all over the field. After we beat Ohio St, we could make a run for the title.
They won't say anything because they've seen her anger and they walk on eggshells around her.
Oh, that stinks also.
My stepchildren were parentified (that means they were in a home where they had to be the adults b/c the adults were either acting like children or not home) - they were watching their baby brothers since they were 8, cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, feeding them, etc.
When they came to live with H and I, it was very hard for DSD16 to let go of the CONTROL she felt she needs to have. With this crisis, she's trying again to control everyone, and it's so hard to see how the children react. It's so hard to just let it be - they're older now, so they can choose the R they will or will not have with H.
How do you feel about your children walking on eggshells? Maybe it's time they said something if it would clear the air?
I know that H wasn't going to come to DSD's sweet sixteen and I said nothing. Finally, I had had enough and said something to him about how she was feeling, which prompted him to say he'd be there for her, but then he wound up leaving anyway when her friends didn't show up... just the time when she really needed him the most.
Not giving advice, just showing you some situations and how they've panned out, I guess.
That's what Boat14 said about you.
D
Just checking in and wanted to say that you sound good. Keep up the good work.
God Bless,
Eric
That's what Boat14 said about you.
He's a punk.....
D,
Before your Canes play for the national title, you have to get past my Seminoles!
Take care...
D,
Before your Canes play for the national title, you have to get past my Seminoles!
Take care...
The Noles? Uhh...that's the easy part of the schedule.
Nothing like a little trash talk in MAY!
Gotta love it. Good to see u still have that sense of humor. How are you and the kids doing? Are they going to play football this year?
Not sure if I made a mistake. D7 had her spring program this afternoon. It was starting and my wife hadn't shown up yet so I texted her to see if she was coming. She forgot about it so she came late. She tells me after the program that she was napping when I texted her because she was out at the bar until 1:30 in the morning.
I think I should have let her fall on her face and let her deal with the fallout of D7 being upset with her not being there.
Your D being upset with her would have meant that your D was upset...and my experience tells me that the MLC does remember the kindnesses you present them with when they come out of it.
I think you did the right thing, for you and the guy you are and your daughter and the dad you are. For your wife? F her. : ) any good that comes out of it for her toward you is just incidental.
PS - Drew; Florida State has a football team?
Well Jack my daughter is the only reason I did it. I know she was happy that I was there but I also know how hurt she would have been if my wife hadn't been there. I can't very well tell a 7 year old that mommy is an f'n whack job right now.
D - you did the right thing...it was for your daughter. Also I can guarantee you that if she had missed it it would have been your fault for not waking her up....she would very likely blame you. Know from experience
Oh...they know D...deep down they know.
D - I agree with Jack and Mila. I think you did the right thing. It is not your D fault and I'm sure that your D was happy that mommy attended. I have done this several times these past few months in my sitch. I do it for me and the kids.
FTR - it goes to show the class act that youy are.
God Bless,
Eric
D,
How often does your W have to be reminded of upcoming activities that involve the kids?
The only thing that would scare me is if my spouse would arrive hungover or angry for being woken up to attend an activity.
Hope you all had fun, though.
Jack,
FSU finally plans to field a National Championship caliber football team this season after 7-8 years of Pop Warner type football squads. The anticipation for this season is sky high. We had 53,000 fans attend the spring game a month ago!
Drew
With an unproven head coach who was a mediocre offensive coordinator at best but I digress.
Another concert, another blowup. The chorus S12, FIL and BIL perform in had a concert last night. Things were fine until the very end...again. After the concert S12, BIL, and SIL were messing around in the lobby and my wife freaked out. I never saw her like that before. It was more rage than anger. All directed at S12.
I talked to her about it today and she said it was no big deal. I said that I was worried by what I saw and she said that she was fine and that she was more pissed at BIL and SIL. She says "Apparently no one thinks I can take care of myself because everyone is worried about me." I told her that means that people care about her and she says she's being treated like a child. I changed the subject.
Why was she more pissed at them rather than S12?
Hi D,
Smart
Why was she more pissed at them rather than S12?
Because they were getting him riled up. Saturday night I said that's who she should be talking to and she said that she's not their parent, she's S12 parent and that's who she can control. She was saying how S12 was making her look bad in front of all these people but yet she's yelling at him in front of all these people.
Then when we talk yesterday she's saying it was BIL and SIL she was really upset with. My opinion is she had anger that she needed a target for and S12 became that target.
My opinion is she had anger that she needed a target for and S12 became that target.
My opinion is that you are a wise man....
And the 'Canes thing, reinforces that.....
: )
Update time
My wife has been in the cycle of looking for someone else to be with while still having me there as her "friend". On May 18 I informed her that I could not be a part of her life while she was with someone else or looking for someone else. I would only be a part of her life if she wanted to be married to me. So I went dark.
Have had minimal contact with her since. Found out last Wednesday that she has a new boyfriend and introduced the kids to him. She served me with divorce papers on Friday.
I went to BIL's graduation open house on Saturday. Learned a great deal. S12 told her he's no longer going to her house and that he doesn't like the way she treats them. Had lengthy conversation with SIL and BIL. Everyone in her family sees that my wife is not the same person she used to be and is pissed at her for what she's doing. My wife has been with new boyfriend for 1 week. SIL says she was taken by surprise because my wife was talking about another guy she was "in love" with a week earlier. She is close to being evicted. There is much more but I don't have the time or space for it.
My wife's Grandpa was taken back to the hospital Saturday night. He was in and out of consciousness. My wife was going to leave the girls with her new boyfriend for the night. BIL called and left a not so nice voicemail saying there was no way she was leaving those girls with someone they didn't know. She called him back and says "Well if Grandpa dies, he dies. I'm already over it." and didn't go to the hospital. I found all this out yesterday. She asked me to take the girls yesterday so she could go to the hospital to be with Grandpa.
My wife goes farther off the deep end so I will be going for full custody of our kids. She is just not capable of being an effective and loving parent right now.
Wow, D.
Heavy stuff.
How are YOU doing? In your life?
Not asking about her. Asking about you.
I'm struggling mightily financially but am working on that. I'm working through my emotions. It hit me hard when I got the papers. After talking things out with her family and knowing I'm not the only one seeing her behaviors made me feel a lot better. There were times I would feel like I was the one who was crazy.
I know just because she gave me papers, this isn't done. Hope springs eternal. It is funny because she thinks everything's done just because I signed for the papers. I do think her giving me the papers was God's way of telling me I was interfering too much.
I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. What direction do I want to go?
I have a special bond with all 3 of my kids. Both collectively and individually. That's better than anything.
I think God is usually a little more direct.
D,
Just wondering how your doing.
In my opinion, it seems that your wife is upset because you decided to lay down a boundary by withdrawing from her drama.I believe that the divorce papers were her way of telling you 'fine u don't want to talk to me, now you REALLY WILL REGRET IT!!!'
Sounds childish but it doesn't surprise me. This sounds EXACTLY like a conversation I had with my ex.They want you far away but not TOO far away.
So, you excited for the upcoming college football season yet? Your Canes got a big test early in the season against the Buckeyes. Should be a good one.
Me on the other hand, I've been waiting for this season for a LONG time. Should be fun.
Take care.
I don't think D is on anymore, he seems to be taking a break from the boards. His alt status is now single.