I have been a lurker for a while and have never started my own thread, although I have posted on some other peoples. My quick sich - Husband in MLC for about 1.5 years, was turning 40, started to withdraw from family and me, Bomb drop of PA with old girlfriend happened Dec 2008. I did all of the wrong things, just about gave up, but found this website in April 09.
Started DB-ing and things seemed slowly better after a long while. Husband started staying a home, only left every other weekend, although was spending alot of time on computer. I GAL, started dancing and painting, H started to tell me I looked better, seemed more interested in ML. I stopped snooping so wasn't really sure if OW was still in picture although hoped he seemed to be more interested in me and US. He made future statements, talked about retirement, all things that made me think he saw a future together.
Last week, he asked to talk to me, and I thought he might finally start to share his feelings. Instead, he brought up divorce, which had not been mentioned since the original bomb over a year ago in Dec. He said that he had noticed changes in me, he could feel my love for him, but that he was just done. <sigh> As you can imagine this was a real kick in the teeth. Just as I thought things were improving I get kicked back to square one.
So, I suppose my practical question is, how do I address the divorce when he wants to bring it up? I feel like I have to have some idea of what he wants, and yet for DB-ing we're not supposed to talk about it. We own our own business, so I obviously have to see what he intends there too. As the president its going to cause a major shakeup when he decides to leave.
Also, If I did 180's and he said he noticed changes and it wasn't enough - is that cheeseless tunnel? Do I 180 back to how I was? That doesn't seem to make sense. Sorry, my head is spinning. I'd love any insight if this has happened to someone else. I still don't want to give up, because I still really feel like its the MLC talking and not my real husband. OW is already a two time marriage loser, now is breaking up our marriage, they of course think they're soulmates but I still don't see it lasting. How can the third time be a charm when their relationship is started in infidelity?
Dbing is actually for you...it helps you to find your footing during the crisis. Your h has entered the MLC tunnel and nothing will turn him back until his crisis is done. However, the changes you have been making must be for you and not to try to make him change his mind. The changes must become permanent and very real. Are you happy w/the changes that you have done thus far for you? If so, please do not revert back to your old self.
If he brings up the subject divorce, some have said that they need some time to adjust to the idea, others change the subject and hope that it will create a change in the person's thinking during the moment. The words separation and divorce are often used as control measures when we get too close for their comfort. As for him being done, yes, he's done because he's depressed and he doesn't have any feelings for you or the situation right now. In fact, he's searching for something that will make him happy once again....unfortunately, happiness coms from within. He's discover this along the way, but not for a long time to come.
I would strongly suggest that you start moving funds to a new account, removing your name off joint accounts, etc. Your man has entered the twilight zone and spending will be one of the major self medications along the way.
As for the third time a charm...well houses built on sand will eventually crack. The less you say to him about her the better. Why? Because, in his mind, he has to defend her from you and others who may frown upon the relationship.
It's time to start focusing on you, your finances, and family. I'm very sorry you are here, but this journey that he's taking will be a long one. You are on the coaster ride from h@ll. Buckle up!
Thanks so much, Snodderly. I have read many of your words of wisdom in the past - they really do help. You are completely correct, the Db-ing should be for me, I guess I lost sight of that in my panic. I do like myself much better now - I'm such a great catch and it just bothers me that my H can't see it!!!
I was thinking along the same lines, asking my H to get his own credit card (I don't think he has one, but it could be one of the things he's lied about). Then only using 'our' card for household expenses. Maybe that would give him a smack of reality.
Thanks for your support.
If you find that he's using the "joint" card entirely too much, call the card company and report the card lost. Request that the remaining balance be transferred to a new account number. If he remains on the joint card, you will be liable for any debt he incurs for the time being.
I wouldn't ask him to get a separate card, I would just go ahead and either have your name removed off the joint one or open up a new one, but the only thing that matters is that your name isn't on the same account with his name...you don't want to be paying his debt off as well as what may already be on that card.
So a few weeks have gone by and there was no further mention of divorce. I had started some new projects around the house that kept me busy. Not that I asked him to help, but he is very controlling and somehow I always found he had to be around to give me advice on how to hang wallpaper, etc. AT one time he even asked me if these changes had anything to do with 'us and whats going on'. I didn't know how to reply to that, doesn't everything pertain to us? Anyway, two day ago when taking a break after painting a bathroom he asked to talk to me.
What came out was 'you have to let me go." He claims that he loves me, but can no longer be my husband. He even said 'I'm not the man you married." No kidding, the guy I married I never thought would be a liar or commit adultery or do all of the other crazy MLC things that have occured.
He says that he has been researching different types of divorce in our state, and he wants to do whatever will get him out the quickest. Supposedly in NY there is some sort of mutually agreed upon divorce where you just sign papers, use a lawyer to file and basically divy up the assets as you agree upon. He sent me an email listing websites talking about this type of divorce.
Having this thrust in my face definitely set me way back. I know we're not supposed to show emotion, but somehow I just couldn't keep myself together and broke down sobbing. I've managed to get through the days since then but I certainly feel like I'm in a hole.
How do I DB from here? I feel like there is only so much I can do to delay the inevitable. Do I try to pull way back and give him even more space? He just seems eager to get away from me as quick as possible. Some things he said make no sense. During the talk he even said "you're my best friend and even after we're divorced I don't want to be adversarial. I still want to be able to call you and maybe go out to lunch if I'm in town." As if I want to exchange my husband for a casual lunch date. He indicated that 'once things are settled' he plans on moving in with OW who lives on the other end of the state. Then before I went to bed he kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug, he hasn't shown any spontaneous affection towards me for months that I can remember.
I don't want a divorce, I don't believe in it and I take my marriage vows very seriously. I guess I need some encouragement. I like me, I like my GAL stuff and I know that I can survive this - I just didn't want to give up entirely and let him go. Am I perhaps prolonging his MLC by attempting to save us?
I don't know if you've checked out my threads..but I've been there..right where you are. It really stinks and it really hurts-more than you imagine.
More distance might help. As much as you don't feel friendly-try to be, or at least don't share all of those ugly feelings of hurt with your H...that will make him think he's making the right choice..he's not.
I had to make alot of mental shifts once my H asked (the second time) and filed (this time)for divorce. I, too, believe in my marriage vows, and truly believed I would never get divorced..thought I would be a failure if I divorced...
Those are beliefs you'll need to examine-find out where they come from, if they are serving well...
DBing is for us, as Snodderly said. It was/is never about saving the marriage-although we all hope that will be our outcome..but MLC is a different animal than just typical marriage issues...DBing helps the LBSes... find ourselves, detach from unhealthy patterns, take a good objective look at that marriage relationship..all kinds of benefits to be found!
Focu on you, as much as you can...let go of the rope to your H a bit..detach as much as you can day-by-day...it really does get better and you WILL be OK, whether you end up divorced or not.
((HUGS))
Hi, KJensen!
Yes, I have read quite a few of your posts, It really does suck to be here. I wish you much strength on your own journey.
I will try to hold in the hurt, part of me really wants to spew at him, to share my anger at how he so casually destroyed us and seems to have no problems walking away from everything we worked to build together. And yet I guess I also should have expected it, seeing over the past year how he has 'divorced' himself from friends, siblings, parents, my family. Guess I was the last one left to leave.
I truly do feel like I will be a failure if we divorce. Both of our parents are married for close to 40 years, grandparents together, siblings together with their spouses. I was so sure of his love and thought I had married a good guy and a rock, it devastated me to find out otherwise. I realize this isn't my fault, husband has had problems with deep depression for years, was diagnosed with serious illness year after we were married. I never considered this a burden, just part of dealing with things that come up with people you love. Its part of why this hurts so much, I feel like he hit 40, suddenly things got a bit difficult (for him) to deal with aging, and it was 'see you later...." I know it isn't entirely ALL his fault, I'm not perfect, but I feel like at least I'm willing to give an effort to save us, whereas he seems like he could care less.
Thanks for the reminder to focus on me. That is one of the things that I do find hard to do, I have spent so much of my life and marriage making sure everything is ok for others. When ever my husband had a need I tried to fill it, yes often at the expense of what I wanted. This is definitely a new thing trying to do what I want. Part of the house renovations were a start in that direction - I started to think "I've always hated that wallpaper...we could really use a new lamp..." and decided to change those things. Small start I know, but I guess it at least gave me a small measure of control when I feel like everything else is spinning beyond my reach.
It does help to know that others are in the same situation, no one I personally know seems to have gone through this.
The thing that seems to help me is to pull away from the situation a bit, and remember to try NOT to take it personally(even though it definitely feels like a very personal rejection)- because it is MLC.
I guess the beauty of this board, the wisdom and experience of the posters here has helped me to (sometimes!) get a more distant perspective. Realizing that my H is going through this journey, this turmoil without much understanding or awareness (especially of the effects his actions have on his family)is hard and sad and maddening, but it also means that my H isn't doing what he is doing with any prupose other than to try and feel better than he does-and as we know..it doesn't work. He has to figure that out for himself.
We have to let go of the rope, let our husbands learn what they have to learn even if it hurts us to the core,even if it leaves a wake of destruction. We can't do it for them. If we still love them in the end of their MLC and are still waiting, well then there is a
possiblity of reconciliation. No guarantees.
If we are not there and have moved on, we certainly gave it our very best and waited as long as we could and should only feel proud that we lasted as long as we did, and kept moving on our own journey. Ultimately we are only responsible for our actions.
We, the LBSes, have been given the gift of insight- at least that is how I choose to see it.
Decorating your place is a good start to figuring out what YOU like. Learning to detach will help get you through this.
I know it isn't entirely ALL his fault, I'm not perfect, but I feel like at least I'm willing to give an effort to save us, whereas he seems like he could care less.
Realize this isn't the usual 'fix-it-with-therapy' marriage-in-crisis scenario. My H and I did the marriage counseling thing for 6 months, H was gung-ho and even initiated it. Then his efforts died down and he just stopped working at it and popped the divorce request on me... In MLC, your H doesn't want to work at anything-he wants to be a carefree teenager..its not personal...he doesn't have a clue right now...and you can't clue him in..tried it myself-doesn't work just makes them angry...
By focusing on you(what you can control), you will focus less on him(and what you can't control). It is empowering. It is hard when you haven't focused on yourself in a long time..it might feel self-centered..but that isn't necessarily a bad thing..centering on your self..its OK and probably overdue. If you don't consider yourself, who will?
One day at a time.
Sorry you are here.
In regards to the D that your H is in such a hurry for, I would validate whatever he says but agree to nothing. In NY State you must agree to a LS and after that 1 year later you are D. If you do not agree to a LS then the D can be faster. I know it sounds weird but that is my understanding of the way it works here. I would get a free consultation with a L just to confirm what I am saying.
I assume that you have read the resources. If you need links you can let me know and I will put them on your thread.
You are getting good advice and you seem to be in control of the sich. Let us know if you have any ??? and we can try to help.
Thanks for the info and advice everyone. It helps to have a listening ear.
OP, I certainly want to contact a lawyer only to get an idea of how the process works, however I am also afraid that that might escalate things. Since he dropped second divorce bomb, there has been no mention. I thought now that he was really really certain this is what he wanted that he would be making plans, wanting to sit down and talk over finances, etc. But there has been nothing. Thank you, I have read a lot of the resources.
Since that time one week ago there have been several instances where he was actually exceedingly kind and thoughtful. The downstairs bathroom that I stripped - we found out the wallpaper won't be in for a few weeks. My H offered to paint it so that when my parents come to visit in 2 weeks the room would look nice. Parental visit has nothing to do with D -bomb, it was already planned. I was surprised that he would care how things looked, after all, doens't he want to leave all of this?
Also, on St Patricks day when I came home from my GAL dance lesson he had made reuben sandwiches for dinner and gotten drinks, even bought a silly horror movie he thought I might like. First you rip my heart out, and now you're being nice? I wondered if this was a way for him to assuage some of his guilt.
Today we have off from work and I thought surely he would broach the Divorce topic. Instead, he spent hours transferring files from old computers to our new one, all stuff from the 80's that he either recorded or wrote. I know that this is his 'escape time' the late teenage years, when OW was his girlfriend so many years ago. Is he trying to run away not only from me, but the divorce issue as well? I know you can't tell me that, but it does make me wonder.
I'm still trying to focus on me, I went outside and started some yard cleanup, not only because it has to be done, but also to get some distance from him.
ForEverHeSaid (FEHS from here on out),
I glad you got a chuckle.
I would like to point some things out, if I may...hahahahahahah you can't stop me.
doens't he want to leave all of this?
I wondered if this was a way for him to assuage some of his guilt.
First you rip my heart out, and now you're being nice?
There is a reason many here suggest to "Act as If" things are going well.
Those quotes above, I am willing to bet...flavor your being, who you are around him.
Acting as if, means a light hearted moment STAYS a light hearted moment without the additional weight of WTF added to it.
Does that make sense? Today is far from my best day for advice.
FEHS,
Welcome to our special little world....I don't say "sorry your here" anymore. I feel that in the end you will find that this is a growing place of good than a place of sorrow. That said...it appears you have a prolonged MLC husband and the OW is firmly planted in the picture. I would almost venture a bet that she has recently placed the "Her or me" statement on your husband. With the usually MLC bravado of course he is selecting to move on.
So let him!
He indicated that 'once things are settled' he plans on moving in with OW who lives on the other end of the state
Validate his feelings and nicely tell him that he can go at anytime. Sounds pretty counter intuitive...same here. Just sometimes that alluring greener grass is just covering a septic tank. So as I wise person told me..."Give them their space and let them choke on it".
You seem to have a solid grasp that you don't control his actions. You also have an impressive list of 180's and GAL...bravo to you on both. The questions is...will dropping the rope entirely be the ultimate 180 for you?
I think there is a lot of good in your story that is being directly influenced by a relationship with the OW that needs to run it's course. So let it run it's course.
I feel like there is only so much I can do to delay the inevitable.
There is no "inevitable" or "impossible" in this world. That is what makes our lives special....we can do the impossible and make the inevitable unobtainable.
Don't think this course of action is giving up, because it isn't. YOU can stand by your commitments with home or not.....this is just giving him what he wants.
J3B,
Those quotes you picked out are more about me venting, than anything that I would say to my H. I like to think that I am keeping that running commentary inside, but it does probably show up on the outside sometimes. Its just that within a week he wants out, definitely OUT and QUICK - and then he's fixing dinner and being nice. I can certainly appreciate the gesture but at the same time its like when is the next shoe going to fall. I can't help but think its like he's trying to butter me up and then will push me down again.
<sigh> I know, no one said this would be easy.
Hope the no smoking thing is going well for you.
Dear Lost,
You certainly nailed it when you said that the ultimate 180 for me would be to not fight this at all. I think throughout our marriage I was always the 'fixer' and the one who tried to make things right.
I realized something on thursday. That is our day off from work, and the last time he wanted to talk about divorce he brought it up that day. So I must admit I was nervous this past week and also perhaps feeling a bit defeated. I did yardwork, he was in the house and I just kind of let him be. At dinner time, he offered to cook and produced a wonderful meal and dessert. After dinner, rather than disappearing into the TV set as usual, he offered to play a game - it just floored me! We ended up playing multiple rounds of three different games until bed time. He was laughing and joking the whole time, it was like my old husband was back. At bedtime he followed me upstairs and started flirting, and we ended up having well, a rather energetic interlude (I blush to write anything more descriptive). It was like a second honeymoon and all I could wonder was - why the heck did that happen???
Was it really so obvious in my mood that I had 'given up' and he could somehow read that? Had it drawn him towards me? There was no actual relationship or divorce talk to communicate this so I don't know if it was related to anything I did or not.
Thank you for reminding me that nothing is impossible.
Well the good thing about the confusion, is that most likely means MLC. As Jack says confusion is good.
As far as the L is concerned, I don't understand how you contacting a L will escalate things?
You don't tell your H about this and you tell the L not to do anything until you say to. It is for your protection and knowledge. If I were you I would do nothing that helps your H with this process. Don't sign anything or agree to anything just validate his desire and see what happens.
Oh, there is a GOOD thing in MLC???
I just thought that if he didn't seem certain about the divorce, but then realized I had talked to a lawyer it might turn into "well SHE's seeing a lawyer, so she must be certain, so I better get a lawyer." and the next thing we both have lawyers doing a divorce we both really don't want. (or at least I don't want it)
When he talked about divorce I asked him if he had seen a lawyer and he said no, had just gotten info off of the internet. So far he has not told anyone else about this, I thought that might be part of his indecision. If he was really certain, wouldn't he want to trumpet this to the skies? Seeing that our marriage was such a mistake and now he's found his true soulmate (or so he thinks). However, no mention to anyone at work, or his family, or family lawyer or accountant. I guess I also hoped that he didn't because he was actually ashamed of what he was doing. Not sure if that works in my favor or not.
This is all so confusing.
This is all so confusing.
Yes
Maybe for the moment, you should just do nothing but if you need to contact a L. DO NOT TELL HUSBAND! Everything we talk about here is part of our playbook. We do not divulge it.
Sounds like the divorce talk is mostly just "talk". Remember one rule of DB'ing is to believe none of what you hear(talk) and only 50% of what you see(action). Also actions speak louder than words.
FHS,
That does sound like the MLC confusion, and I think that not saying anything to anybody yet kind of keeps his options open. He has mentioned it to you but hasn't told anybody else is not surprising.
That sounds a lot like my situation. My H has never officially used the D word but months ago did allude to it a couple of times. As far as I know, he hasn't really told anyone what is going on - my in laws don't even have a clue.
It is like they are keeping their options open - in their minds they may think D is the answer and their way out, but they aren't really sure that is what they want. Just my opinion - can't really read their minds.:) This is where the confusion is good.
I agree with OP to keep your cards close to your vest.
FHS-
I think the MLCers frequently see a divorce as the ticket to peace and happiness. It is a huge trigger of fear and sadness for us LBSers...The best thing I can offer is to educate yourself, privately, on how a divorce works where you live.
Don't bring up the topic of divorce with your H. Know that he most likely WILL bring it up again, maybe when you are getting along great... Enjoy the good times you are having, but keep your expectations low.
Seeing that our marriage was such a mistake and now he's found his true soulmate (or so he thinks). However, no mention to anyone at work, or his family, or family lawyer or accountant. I guess I also hoped that he didn't because he was actually ashamed of what he was doing.
This was exactly the situation I was in a year ago...My H was ashamed... When my Hasked for a divorce last May..the OW dumped him and H started opening up to me...But this time in 12/09 when he asked and filed for a divorce there was no OW(or shame) and H did share the divorce with everyone..
Realize that if your H wants a divorce, he may just get one whether you want one or not(again this varies per state so getting info for YOURSELF is very important). As much as all of us never want to be divorced(why we are on a site called divorce-busting!), it can still happen, and it won't be the end of your world..maybe just the end of your marriage as it was.
I have found that getting in touch with my fears that were triggered by my husband divorcing me has been a good thing, a strenghtening experience, although hard and at times painful...
So embrace and learn from the fear. Divorce may not happen(we pray!), but by not letting the word or thought or action of divorce freak you out, you will find more peace.
Well, today my H wanted to talk about divorce again and said that he was surprised that I had not brought it up to him! I guess he expected me to initiate the conversation.
He wanted to know if I was interested in collaborating, or if it would have to be 'the messy divorce' with lawyers because he claims I never want to talk about it! I countered with 'how can I know if I agree to anything if we haven't yet tried?"
I agree with Jack3B in that I guess he is starting to get pressure from OW. THis would be his weekend where he would see her (every other weekend we have 2 full days off and he finds ways to disappear) so I suspect he would have to report back to her. As you know from my earlier posts this past week he was kindness itself, cooking dinner, spending time playing games, yesterday he even tried to initiate ML. However, today its a whole different animal. Now he wants to sit down and go through our assets and start divvying things up, can't get out of here soon enough. Said 'this has been going on long enough and its not fair to you for me to stay when I don't want to be here..."
Hmm, there are alot of things that are not fair to me about this situation, but funny how the fairness hinges on his behavior.
I tried to validate and told him we could list our assets but that I didn't agree to anything. He slammed things around, sat at the dining room table and scribbled out a list of stocks, our cars, etc. then flung it at me and said, "can you think of anything else?" As if I keep a running total in my head or something. For 13 years he has always handled our finances, and suddenly he expects me to have a grip on everything we own. <sigh>
Then he stormed out, stating he was not coming to work today (evening shift). If I know anything about his previous MLC behavior, he won't be home when I get home either - will probably have left for the entire weekend. I know, expectations low for a MLC, but it would surprise me if he came back to work for friday, even thought we have a full day then.
KJensen, I have looked into the abyss as far as what life would be like without my husband. I know that I can survive but it really isn't what I wanted. My husband was a good man, even a great one, and I just can't believe that that man is totally dead. I just feel like he's confused and has been lead astray, and I guess I feel like the divorce would be giving up. What burns me the most is I feel like the OW gets to enjoy all of the good things about my husband and I get nothing, despite my years invested in our relationship. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself, and don't know how long that will continue.
Financially after a divorce I would be fine, I always made more $ than my husband and at least I don't have to worry about that. But the thought of handling things emotionally is just exhausting.
Well, I came home from work and he is gone. Left a note saying "I'm sure you knew that I would decide to leave tonight.Quasimodo is going to the bell tower to hang out."
Not that I should assume, but I don't seem him being by himself, I'm sure he's gone to cry on OW's shoulder. And I'm left to run the office by myself with a full schedule tomorrow. <sigh> His entitlement just burns me up!
Foreverhesaid, I just read your posts. I see that you are in similar same situation as I'm - running a business together with your WH. My MLC H is also having an affair, but he's moved out. Didn't ask for a divorce or separation agreement and we still have joint finances.
I was just wondering how do you do it? You seem so calm and collected about the situation and you seem to be OK working with him. I'm finding it extremely difficult. He wants me to be his friend and his business partner but doesn't want to be a husband and a father anymore. How does one separate the business and the personal part. I can't figure it out.
Mila,
Sorry that you are in the same cruddy situation. I may sound calm and I suppose I appear outwardly so, but I am seething and hurting like crazy inside. Part of the appearing calm part is just who I am, I have always been a worrier, but realize that if I freak out then that is one less calm adult to work with the situation. Yes, I want to go cry in a corner, but if our business fails because I didn't pull myself together then I will feel even worse.
It may help you to think that 'at least I have the business'. Poor compensation for an adulterous husband, but at least its something.
I don't know if I'm better off having my husband at home. I have wrestled with throwing him out, but I guess I was following the advice on the MLC boards to not push them out if they are still waffling. I suppose the still being with me most of the time gave me hope. It is dwindling now as he becomes more and more insistant on pushing for some sort of paperwork or arrangement. I think if things get that far then I will tell him to move out.
I also think that if it comes to divorce I would not work with my husband. There is no way I could see him all day and then watch him go off to some other woman. If it meant selling our business it would hurt alot, but less than working with him. With our arrangement the clients basically come to see me, my husband manages the office. When we met, he did medical office management, so it seemed natural for us to work together. If he leaves, I'll have to hire another office manager, or do things myself for a while. You probably have a different arrangement.
If your husband is not at home, at least you don't know specifically when he is contacting OW or visiting her. With mine I have a pretty good idea, like today and this weekend since he so blatently left yesterday.
Sorry, I don't have time for more now, will write more later.
Hugs and strength to you......
Foreverhesaid, I hope that your WH is still doing his part in the business. Mine is claiming that he works as hard as he can, but how can he when he takes off for 2 weeks in a month to see OW (she lives far away). So I don't see them together but I know when he goes away to see her. He is the "key man" and I'm the business manager. Our business is suffering terribly through all of this. I'm not sure if it can survive.
When he is away with OW he expects me to communicate with him about business, but I told him that I won't talk to him while he there in bed with her. Not as a punishment, I just find it very upsetting and humiliating to have to talk to him while he is having "good time" while I slave at work.
I just don't know how long we can go on like this...
Thanks for listening
Mila,
I sure hope that you are in a different time zone than I am. All of your posts seem to be submitted between 3-5am. Are you really up that early? If you can't sleep maybe you should talk to your doctor about a sleep aid. You will not be able to get through this if you are completely exhausted.
Thanks for the link to your sitch, I will read it later. Today I have an all day dance seminar (part of my GAL). As you know WH is gone all weekend and at least it will keep me from moping.
My husband is doing an adequate job at the business. If it was anyone else, I would have given them a talking to, to shape up. However, in his current MLC state I don't know if I can expect anything else. My H will go to the store for supplies (which he always did) but will be gone all day, or sometimes for hours at a time. The rest of the staff and I have always managed, what choice do we have? But everyone else has to pick up the slack of all of the little extras that he used to do.
I think one of the tragedies of people in our situation is that we are losing not only our husbands and lovers, but our business partners as well. I never had to worry if the bookkeeper was embezzling funds, because it was my husband. I didn't have to worry if extra supplies were ordered and then diverted, my husband did that. He obviously had an invested interest in us doing well. What burns me even more, is that the reason we set up where we did, is that my father in law has been this small towns prominent physician for over 30 years. Everyone knows the family and the family name, so it gave the business a boost right when we opened. Most of our clients, my husband went to school with, or were friends of his siblings, etc. People come to us because they know him, I was the outsider (I'm from Texas originally). Now he wants to run away, and probably for the next 10 years I'm going to have to hear "so how's H doing?" as I do every day now.
How to reply to that? He had a MLC and left me for his mistress?
My husband too has tried to communicate with me, usually by email when he is gone on weekends (I presume to see OW). At one time he got quite insistant, and I just replied with "I refuse to talk about the elephant in the room, when the elephant is in the room." This was a bit of nastiness on my part, as the OW is quite a hefty customer (luckily I have always been slim and fit, something my H says he used to admire, guess that has changed.)That shut him up and he even admitted it made him chuckle later.
I'm not sure if I read your situation correctly, but it sounds like your husband is perhaps a salesman and you are managing the office. (I haven't read your full sitch, just the message above so sorry if I got that wrong). Would you be able to start looking for another job, just to have an escape hatch in case your business does do badly? I know with my husband I get the feeling he really doesn't care if things fall apart, because he's planning on leaving anyway, so what should it matter? He hasn't said anything specifically, but I get the feeling that he wants his signed papers and then it will be 'adios' leaving me and the rest of the family to deal with the chaos in his wake.
It certainly is not fair that your husband expects you to stay at home and work work work while he's having his kicks. I don't think I could stand that either. My husband has mostly left on weekends 'to think about things' (which I guess meant spending time with OW) but at least he was here during the week. This is the first time he's taken a 4 day weekend which is why I think things are spiraling downwards.
Ok, this is long enough for now. Thanks for listening and I promise I'll read your sitch so that I understand more later.
Hope you can enjoy your weekend. I'll be thinking about you, it helps me to know there are other people in similar situations. Hugs to you.
Hi Forever, yes I'm in a different time zone - West coast. I know I'm up late even for my time zone. Usually go to bed at about 2am and getup at 7am. Seems to be enough these days. I'm off of the sleeping pills I was on in the beginning of this nightmare.
My H will go to the store for supplies (which he always did) but will be gone all day, or sometimes for hours at a time.
Yeah mine was going for "runs" in the middle of work day and was often gone for more then 3 hours - little did I know that he was meeting with OW.
How to reply to that? He had a MLC and left me for his mistress?
When WH disappears for 2 weeks to see OW that's what I feel like saying to our clients that call for him.
"I refuse to talk about the elephant in the room, when the elephant is in the room."
you bad girl you...but it's funny
In our business I could be replaced easier then him...and yes it may come to that. I may need to find a job (after 20 years working for our company). First of all the business has been going down the hill in the past year - since his affair started and it may not survive if he continues on this path. Even if it survives I doesn't seem realistic that we could work together long term in our situation (OW).
Did your H ask you for a divorce or just a legal separation? Mine didn't ask for anything yet.
I'm supposed to have a meeting with him tomorrow morning, so we will see what that will bring
Keep posting...we are tough, we will get through this
(((hugs)))
My husband has asked for a divorce but there are several different types in NY state. He wants the one where everything is mutually agreed upon, so that it wouldn't have to come out in court that he is committing adultery. We haven't yet gotten to the point where we've sat down and tried to divide everything.
I suppose one good thing is that when I first asked my husband what he was thinking, was that I would get the house and the business and he would take 'everything else' - meaning our investments. Because our stock market took a dive there for a while, and paying off debt, our investments aren't really all that much money. However I still need to talk with a lawyer as to if this might be 'a good deal' for me. Normally things are split 50/50 here, so it might be adventageous for me to jump at this, despite the fact I don't want the divorce.
This week my parents came to visit on wednesday and my husband quietly packed while I was at dinner with them, then dissappeared the next morning. As he was leaving he said something like, "I hope that you can find at least something positive to say about me to your folks..." It really made me wonder, does he think I spend the entire time bashing him when I want to save the marriage? I replied with something like, "I don't have to bash you, I just tell the truth about the situation and they make their own judgement." Which of course made him mad (probably not good db-ing on my part) because in his head he's justified the whole affair.
Naturally my folks were concerned about me but also 'us' as well. They know that he's acting kooky an that its really an issue more so for him based on his depression. They fully support the marriage but of course we can't make him do anything.
We were to work a half day today (Good Friday) and of course the staff realized that he was gone again. Its hard seeing them lose respect for him and yet I feel I can't make excuses for him. He seems to think that he's fooling everyone and is so pulled together, and of course its painfully obvious to everyone else that he's falling apart.
Foreverhesaid,
If he wants the D so badly, let him do all the work. Do make sure you`re protected. My H cried D for 5 years and never did a thing about it. Just lots of threats, the last one so bad that I ended up filing, something I never wanted to do. My H and I are still in the same house.
You know the ow is just a bandaid, let her pressure him, you DB, treat him as you would a friend, be polite and civil, but do your own thing. Never mention ow in front of him. That is your time with him, why bring her up? Be positive and upbeat when you see him.
I`m in NY as well, yes all is 50/50. Don`t let him talk you into anything, get your own lawyer, H is NOT your friend, do not trust him.
Good Luck
Celestial
Thanks Celestial,
I just read your own thread, sorry that you are still here after 5 years and dealing with your husbands MLC. You are correct, I don't want a divorce and have been trying to DB for almost a year now. However he is becoming more and more insistant and I guess if push comes to shove I don't know if what he originally 'offered' would be better for me than 50/50. I definitely need to talk to a lawyer to get things straight in my head. Problem is, no one yet knows (outside of my parents) that he is pushing for D. In our small town, word travels like lightening, so my problem is finding a lawyer far enough away to advise me and yet not inflame the situation.
I don't usually mention the OW at all, although I believe he writes to her frequently on email since he's always on the computer. I do try to be upbeat as well, although if your MLC H lives at home you know how hard it can be to always be 'on' and cheerful with them right there.
You must be a very strong lady to be DB-ing for 5 years, thanks for the example, it gives me strength. Hugs and Happy Easter to you!
Happy Easter everyone!
My parents had to head back home on saturday but it was nice visiting with them. They are the only ones who know that H is pushing D, I guess perhaps its a good thing that H hasn't told anyone else.
I was surprised that my parents were supportive, and yet didn't really tell me what to do. I guess I expected them to push D as well, thinking that they would want to end my pain. They did ask about how long I thought I would wait for my H, realizing that MLC can take years to resolve. I told them I couldn't give them a timeline, when I felt I could move on I would. (they were thinking dating again, etc)
So, I planned Easter dinner for me, I'm making a lamb roast and if H shows up he can eat, if not I guess it's just me. His parents invited us for dinner, but he lied to them saying we were spending the day with my parents. Guess I'm going to try to enjoy some of the nice summer weather.
My H is attached to his Blackberry. Funny thing about my H is when he first went into MLC, he told everyone that I was a monster and the cause of his unhappiness. I kept pretty much to myself and found this place, and survived. Now that I`ve filed, told my friends and family finally, H hasn`t told a soul yet.
Celestial
Last weekend my husband disappeared again. When he came home this past weekend he had a different suitcase, similar in color and size but not his. I didn't say anything about it, I wonder if he thinks I didn't notice. I admit I snooped through it while he was in the shower and found a 'Happy Anniversary" card from the OW to him. OUCH! I know I shouldn't have snooped because it only hurt me, but it also made me very angry. Who is this woman to give cards and talk about how she is going to try to make him happy every day 'when they can finally be together." Blech! I too tried to make him happy and he had a MLC regardless. Anyway, I wondered if this 'anniversary' would bring any changes. So far it has not, he seemed pretty much the same as usual and has not brought up or talked about the D again. I wonder if perhaps this is putting pressure on him from her side and might cause him to draw back a little.
It makes me wonder what can be appealing about a woman who dumps her husband and then just sits waiting for mine to show up every other weekend or so. Can't she see he spends most of his time with me? I guess I see it that he is using her as a bandaid for his MLC, I wonder how she sees it.
Hey FHS-
How painful to find that card!
My theory about the OW..she's broken in some major way. Just as your husband is kind of "broken" right now-trying to rediscover who he is...and fix or get through something from his past that wasn't resolved the first time 'round.
No healthy woman, no woman with self-respect, healthy boundaries and healthy self-esteem would walk over the boundary of marriage and knowingly have an affair with a married man.
Whats appealing about her? She's not you...she's different.
That appeal is usually short lasting in the scheme of things..because there's nothing healthy in that relationship to sustain it..and hopefully your husband is progressing down the MLC path, one way or another...
Don't try to compare yourself in any way to the OW..its not about you...and it is not really even about her(you're right-she's a bandaid)..its about your husband coping with alot of internal angst...
Hang in there, detach as much as you can..it is truly helpful..
Forever, I just went through a year of this. H's affair with a married woman, that left her H & small children for H. Lots of back and forth on OW's part, long distance R with my H. Now she went back to her H and apparently it's finally over. (I hope)
It makes me wonder what can be appealing about a woman who dumps her husband and then just sits waiting for mine to show up every other weekend or so
.
OW is dysfunctional. Healthy person would not think and behave the way they do.
Detach and wait it out, time is on your side. Majority of affairs like this will not make the transition into a stable long term relationship.
Don't snoop, it's too painful, it's not worth it, trust me...in the beginning I had the "need" to know as well. As I detached I got to the point that I didn't want to know what they do. Much healthier for me.
Thanks Mila and KJensen,
I know the OW is dysfunctional, I think that might be part of her appeal. I have been thinking about the cause of my husbands MLC, his mother growing up had some mental condition that no one ever talks about. My husband mentioned a few things, he would come home from school, she would lock the doors and call the police claiming he was trying to break in, would say he was not her child. Obviously all very damaging to a young psyche. I think on some level he thinks if he can fix OW, then he is fixing his mother.
Might be pure conjecture on my part, but that is the time frame I see when he runs away into the past. He has started to listen to music from the late 70's, early 80's which would be his childhood years. Sometimes I see tears in his eyes.
In the early days of husbands MLC, before I found DB, I did snoop more, mostly to confirm what I suspected was an affair. I have seen pictures of OW - you are right, she is not at all like me. Mostly in the way that she really really seems to need attention. Perhaps that is a stereotype on my part, but she is overly made up, obviously saloned hair, long painted fingernails, over the top jewelry, lots of cleavage, what I would consider trashy type outfits. I flatter myself that people have said I look like Grace Kelly (my husband used to say that alot, when he still admired me) so we are definitely a different type.
I need attention too, but I'm not needy. Perhaps that is part of the problem.
Forever, who knows what H's attraction to OW is. You may be right in your guesses...after all he is in replay - he is trying to fix something from his past.
Try not to analyze him, you'll drive your self crazy. We will never understand why they do what they do...I bet they don't even understand it right now.
The listening to old music, tears in his eyes...yup just like my H.
Be strong and analyze YOU instead of HIM
Forever,
I read your sitch and totally feel ya! what is going on with these men who are so amazing one day and then go nuts the next? i have found that learning about MLC and being on these boards has been a huge blessing. today my H was being all moody and i just reminded myself that it's not me. just a few weeks ago, i may have broke down. the detachment has been the best thing for me and you already sound so ahead of the game. good luck to you and know i support you.
virtual hugs coming your way! oh and in case you needed a reminder, you are SO much better than OW (that elephant!).
Big surprise this weekend for me, my husband did not run away! Normally we work every other saturday (in the same office) and on our regular weekends he would pack up his car and disappear. I left for work friday morning, he didn't say anything. I saw him throughout the day, again no mention. Normally late afternoon he would just vanish, he did end up leaving the office about 4pm. I went and got groceries, spent some 'me' time shopping, figuring I'd come home and treat myself to a pizza for dinner. When I got there he was sitting on the back porch drinking beer!
Being a wise DB-er I didn't make a big deal of it, just made dinner as usual and joined him on the porch. I thought that perhaps he was spending time at home to push more for the divorce, but surprisingly he's been very pleasant! He helped me with yard chores yesterday, worked on things around the house, we grilled for dinner and enjoyed the sunshine on the porch again.(who is this strange normal acting man?) At one point he even picked up my foot, put it in his lap, and started to massage it! I was so happy for the attention but again didn't make a big deal about it.
Today has been rainy, he's been watching movies on TV and I've been busy staying away from him. I do still see him emailing on his phone, so I suppose he is still in contact with OW, but not spending time with her.
I am trying not to read into this, probably OW was busy and couldn't see him but I am certainly trying to make his weekend here pleasant. I know I shouldn't be thinking about 'them', I actually found myself slightly annoyed that I couldn't spend time on the DB boards because he was here!
I should have known not to get my hopes up. Yesterday my husband asked to talk to me. He wanted to discuss divorce again, and him moving out. He says he stayed home last weekend to talk to me, but that I avoided him. Sure, I was giving him space, but we were still in the same house, he could have easily talked to me.
Anyway, he has threatened to leave before but has never actually done so. Yesterday he stated that we can no longer live together because he doesn't trust me. Hmmm, sounds pretty typical MLC, he's having the affair, but he can't trust ME? He says that in the past few weeks he thinks I've been snooping and 'making comments' that show my disdain. Alot of other things that I think are imagined. He claimed I was moving papers around on his desk, was snooping in his closets and clothing, all things I am innocent of. I guess this is part of the projection on the LBS. He also stated he thinks I'm talking to both of our families about him, something else I haven't done!
I was thinking it might be good for him to get away and spend some time alone, perhaps it will get him off of the paranoia. Also in the past he has said he didn't mean to hurt me, that he was sorry, etc. however yesterday he was just angry and ugly, stating 'my behavior' was making him start to hate me.
2 years into this MLC mess and I was having hopes, now I'm sliding back down again.
Hang in there FS, even if it comes to him leaving, it doesn't have to be the end. Sometimes (often) the MLC's have to leave in order to come back.
When my H left, it actually "defused" him and he started to be nicer to me...before he left the tension in the house was unbearable. He was deep in his affair when he left, but leaving didn't make him happier. Sometimes they have to discover that.
Well, I just don't know what to think. Here we are a few days later, H is still here and things seem 'back to normal' which is that we are coexisting fairly peacefully.
At one point yesterday we were watching a movie, he sat next to me on the sofa and started to massage my feet. I got all teary, and when he asked me why said that it just hurt so much when he was nice to me, since I felt like he didn't really care. (I know, bad DB-ing, but at that point I just got overwhelmed). He got all grumpy and when I went up to bed he bedded down on the sofa.
However, 4am, I hear footsteps coming upstairs and he slides into bed next to me, doesn't say a word. This morning, didn't mention it. Did he forget from yesterday? Is he really that screwed up? I can only marvel at the MLC actions. First he's just all gung-ho to run out, and the next moment its like nothing ever happened.
Is he really that screwed up?
Is he MLC?
If you said yes...I say YUP!
I know bad DBing...BUT I JUST HAD TOOOOOOOOO...... STFU...stop doing what you know is bad for you.
Well, I just don't know what to think. Here we are a few days later, H is still here and things seem 'back to normal' which is that we are coexisting fairly peacefully.
Well, don't think too much about it then. I know it's easier said than done but if things are peaceful, go with it and live in the moment.
I got all teary, and when he asked me why said that it just hurt so much when he was nice to me, since I felt like he didn't really care. (I know, bad DB-ing, but at that point I just got overwhelmed). He got all grumpy and when I went up to bed he bedded down on the sofa.
See what happened? You threw some guilt at him. They will become grumpy, angry, and defensive when you do this.
Wow, Jack3B, is that one of your famous 2x4's? I guess you are right, I shouldn't do what I know is bad, but I was just venting here.
thanks Trapt, This is so frustrating, as there is this strange creature masquarading as my husband, who is occasionally nice to me, yet at the same time wants to be with the OW and tells me we are finished. I just feel like I don't know how to act anymore or where to turn. I guess me throwing guilt at him is actually a 180 for me, since for the past 2 years I have tried to be understanding of all of his MLC cr*p and trying to be a good DB-er.
There is a huge difference between venting and saying I know is bad DBing but I (insert lame reason why someone didn't DB...EVEN though THEY know its bad to do this)
For me...
"Yes...but..."
"I know...but..."
"I'm sorry...bu..."
I hate that sort of logic.
Anything you said prior to the BUT is...wasted. The But is an excuse.
And excuses are permissions to fail.
Once you get over the inital taste of failing, it gets easier to swallow.
Yes that was a 2x4. : )
I know it was bad DBing...I'll do better next time.
IF overwhelemed is the reason you are going to screw up, then you are going to screw up alot, because you are going to be overwhlemed alot...ALOT.
Get tougher.
Trapt is right about the guilt.
And the honest truth about many guys...we think and deep down believe tears are traps and guilt.
thanks for the kick in the pants, J3B. I needed to be reminded to be tough. You are right, I do get overwhelmed alot and need to do better.
This past week my husband started showing me things that he would normally take care of so that I can 'handle things' when he is gone. Just basic stuff I really already knew, like writing checks and things, but these are all things he jealously guarded as 'his turf' during our marriage. I'm not sure how the handle this in a DB manner. I guess I should be thankful he at least seems to take some responsibility and not just walk out and abandon me, and yet if I'm receptive I think it gives the impression that this is what I want.
Just when I think I have things figured out on how to act, he sets me spinning again.
This weekend was another weekend for him to spend away. I have to admit that it was nice to be in the house without tension. On friday evening I had this weird crying fit, thinking about how our recently deceased cat used to want to sit on my lap. At the time I was spending alot of time on the DB boards, doing research and reading in the archives about MLC. I felt guilty about pushing the cat off of my lap because she kept wanting to sit on my laptop computer. Then I realized that somehow I was more mad at my husband and how he had made me act towards the cat, than how he had acted towards me. Maybe that means that I am detaching more. Its like I was mad at him for how his behavior had made ME act in a negative fashion. It also made me determined to be a better person to those outside our marriage - to stop the bleed over of negative feelings caused by whats going on.
He called about noon today to tell me he'll be home at 5. I was putting food in the oven and just didn't grab the phone in time. He left this whiny message about 'I know you don't want to talk to me..." It really grated on my ears, as if he is somehow the injured party because I wasn't there to hop to when he called. Yes, I have alot of anger but am trying to act as if when he's here. <sigh>
Well, if finally happened. On friday when we came home from work, my husband handed me a copy of the preliminary paperwork for divorce. Looks like he is very serious and wants to go through with it.
He had recently had some bloodwork done that showed lots of negative results. A year after we were first married he was diagnosed with a serious disease, something we have been dealing with for 12 years but I think it also contributed to his MLC. He seems pretty convinced that 'he only has a few years left' and doesn't want to be tied down to me and our business.
When I got upset, its like he couldn't understand why on earth I would feel that way. His statement was "you knew this was coming."
Later in the evening when I had calmed down a bit, we started talking. He ran down an amazing list of horrible things that I supposedly did for the past 10 years of our marriage. To hear him talk, its like he never had a happy moment for the last decade. I didn't argue with him, all I did was say either "I remember things differently, or I'm sorry you feel that way." It was so sad that just a few months ago first I was the perfect wife, then he had been unhappy for a few months, then it changed into a few years, and now its the last decade. I am wondering if next time we talk the time will extend right up until our wedding day!
I have no doubt that the OW has been coloring his recollections, as several stories he told had such a negative slant which I no way remember. I can just imagine the OW "you mean your wife never did X? I would have loved to have done X with you, I can't wait to do X with you....."
Do their perceptions change once they have left? I wanted to say to my H, "if I was really so horrible to you I'm surprised you were able to stick it out for 10 years." Of course I didn't, but really marveled at how negative and depressed he seems about our whole past, which until his MLC I thought was wonderful.
Their perceptions will change once replay/depression and withdrawal have been completed. They see the world in black and white...we see the world in colors. They view the glass as half empty, we view it as half full. Depression really does warp their sense of reality.
You handled the conversation quite well. His comments are his view of reality right now. Listen, but don't buy into the rewriting of history as it is all part of his journey.
Keep the focus on you and your life for now, for you know what is "live" and what is "memorex".
Thank you Snodderly. It just hurts me to think that he cannot look on our marriage without any happiness. Before his MLC I thought we were 'perfect' other than the usual small ups and downs. Its so sad to me that he can only see darkness. I truly want him to be happy, but feel like at this point he just doesn't know what happiness is.
H started to bring boxes home and is slowly packing his stuff. At least he is trying to be helpful by showing me things around the house and business, but I still am afraid I will be lost without him. I keep thinking, "this may be the last time I see this... or this may be the last time he helps me with that..." It is very hard to not be sad all of the time.
It is always difficult when they do these things, i.e., packing and showing you things around the home. It's normal to feel sad. After all, you are in the grieving mode.
Once he has packed up all of his things, think about redecorating, moving things around. It will help to fill the empty void in the room, closets, drawers, etc.
But most importantly, be kind to yourself.
Its funny you should mention that, Snodderly. As part of my GAL, I had already started to redecorate the house. Bought new window shades, a room divider, and just yesterday finished wallpapering a bathroom. He was very interested in these changes, praised me for my taste, wanted to make sure I was 'doing it right' when replacing the baseboards and light switch. He acknowledged that these were 'my projects' but still felt he had to oversee. Why the interest if he is planning on moving and leaving? Could it still be confusion about what he wants?
Today, coming up on another weekend where we don't work, he is packing boxes into his car to take them to OW house. Still has not mentioned anything to his parents, who live just down the road. I have the feeling he wants to be all set to move and then on his way out of town say "by the way folks, I'm leaving my wife for my mistress" but then will be gone, as we (the family) have to deal with the rumors and resulting talk in our small town. Guess there is no way for him to feel the force of their displeasure unless I broach the topic, but he would definitely see that as a betrayal of trust.
Forever, I have been reading your thread. You hear it all the time, our sitch is so similar… don’t you get sick of hearing that?
We should have a redecorating part for all of us DBers that are making our homes lighter, airier and so much prettier (more handsome for you guys).
I’m starting with my bathroom today while my H is in Canada (eh?) with my ex-friends and OW.
So sick of wondering, so sick of waiting, just moving on and moving up… to a beautiful, well decorated house.
Here’s to hoping your weekend has something good in it and no more tears.
Thank you Passenger (M and H),
I am getting better with the tears. I find that when he is not here I am at the point that I really don't cry. Its worse when he is here and being horrible. Luckily I am busy this weekend helping a friend who dislocated her kneecap, it will give me something else to think about.
Since I'm an expert at wallpapering now, let me know if you need help with your bathroom!
Saw a lawyer yesterday to have him go over what my H proposed for the divorce. His advice surprisingly was to not fight it, said that my H was being more than generous, and it was better than what I would get if we fought it out in court, since this is a 50-50 state. My H wants to leave me all of the responsibility (house and business), and take any cash we have (drain the bank accounts, sell our few stocks) and go whoop it up with OW. I'm glad I woulnd't have to worry about a place to live or a job, even if the bills would be a struggle for a few months.
I was also surprised that the lawyer said to me "why don't you just let him have the cash and not get divorced? You know that his fling is only going to last a year or so anyway, and when it falls apart he'll want to come back to you. Then at least you wouldn't be divorced and could work on your relationship again." He said that he has seen this situation many times and 'they always come back". I wish I could be as certain, since currently my H told me he's been unhappy now for the past 10 YEARS! I know its the MLC talking, but its still painful to hear.
Oh, and when I got home from the office and talking to the lawyer yesterday my H had left a note on the kitchen counter.
"Have a good saturday, Kitten. I hope the rain holds off for you, don't forget to dry the laundry." Signed with a heart, His name
Its like he was just running to the store or something. At least its not malicious, but what's with the friendly tone? Just more crazy MLC stuff? <sigh>
Oh FHS, they really are batschitt crazy. Unbelievable that he's worried about you forgetting to dry the laundry????
Very interesting what your lawyer said. I live in NY also. Just waiting to see what my H proposes in a LS. Are you considering what your L said about the money and no divorce?
Well I hope the rain does hold off where you are. It's already started here, but I'm hoping it clears up for later.
Have a good weekend!
Thanks for stopping by, SA!
I certainly can propose what the lawyer said, but since its H that is pushing for the divorce I don't think he'd do that. My H had talked about how he doesn't want to drag things out, wants to get out the quickest way possible.
I think its because the OW is putting pressure on him and I have put up as many roadblocks as possible. If my H would just take the money,without divorce, it would mean he'd have doubts about his relationship with OW and I, of course still want to work on our marriage. Of course I'd rather have the marriage than the money! Its just kind of a hard idea to present. If I say "you know things with OW will just fall apart anyway." I'll get an immidiate denial and have to hear about how they are soul mates and she's the love of his life. I don't know if there is another way to propose this and not bring that up.
We've had rain off and on all day. I kept myself busy running errands, helping out a sick friend, and got a new short haircut! H will be surprised when he comes home, as my hair was past my shoulderblades.
FHS, I've heard the soul mate, love of my life crap from my H, too. Once in the beginning of this my H told me that ow was perfect and that would never change. Real life has a way of clearing up rose colored lenses. lol Have you seen evidence of any discord in their R?
Hope you love the new haircut. It's a good way to make yourself feel like a new woman!
Enjoy the rest of the weekend!
Hi FHS
Have a good saturday, Kitten. I hope the rain holds off for you, don't forget to dry the laundry." Signed with a heart
Wow your H is even nuttier then mine. Their brains must be shorting if they think that it's OK to sleep with OW and talk to you like everything was lovey-dovey between you....
Hope you have a nice weekend
Seeking Answers- I'm not sure about the discord, but since he's only been spending snatches of time with her I think it will be a big dose of reality when they are finally together all of the time. One thing I have noticed is that when he comes back from a weekend with her, he is always very sexually interested in me. He becomes very flirty, will do things like slap my butt, and sometimes literally has stood in front of me naked where his interest is very visible. It makes me think OW must be lousy in bed, but that doesn't mean that I am satisfying that need for him. I just think he really is crazy - you just came from your mistress and you expect to hop into bed with me?
As I have mentioned before, OW is on the hefty side. H has always been a bit superficial and focused on appearance, he would regularly make fun of heavy people if we were out, etc. I wonder if perhaps this is bothering him when he sees her. Next step is when they each try to 'fix' the other - maybe then things will fall apart.
Yes Mila, I always marvel when he leaves me a note like that. He usually does when he leaves for the weekend. Why sign it with a heart? I always think that if he really loved me, then he wouldn't treat me this way. Guess its one of those 'don't believe what they say" things. Maybe its a way of trying to control me (don't forget to do the laundry) - which of course he's going to lose when he moves out totally.
Husband left again for long weekend. On thursday was packing up CDs and DVDs to take with him. Asked me to sort out which ones were 'mine' and when I picked a few that we had acquired during the marriage, he claimed that those were all his. I guess anything that was 'ours' is now his. <sigh> Not worth the effort to argue, I don't really care what CDs he takes.
Next he asked where I had put the cord for the stereo. My husband was always the technical wiz, he set up our computers, stereo system, television, etc. I haven't done anything with that stuff for 13 years since it was his domain. Suddenly he claims I must have taken the cord or hidden it somewhere. I have no idea what he was talking about, I don't know one cord from another and could only marvel at how completely irrational he sounded.
He left early on friday from the office. When I thanked the staff for helping to fill in to do his work the receptionist said to me ," I think he just needs more time away. He shouldn't even bother coming in on fridays." Its sad to me that they can see him falling apart, and he prides himself on putting on a good face in public. Obviously not working.
When I got home there was another note. This one just said "Have a good weekend, I'll see you monday." No signature or heart this time.
I have to admit that when he is gone I am much less emotionally a wreck. I still think about him all of the time, but at least I'm not continuously in tears. Still I go out and see husbands and wives doing things together, just boring stuff - shopping, walking in the park, etc and wonder why that couldn't be us. He's changed so much from the man I knew, and yet I still love him. Guess I'm feeling sorry for myself this weekend.
So last night my H sent me two emails about some shoes that I had been looking at on Ebay. He's (presumably) with OW. Its not like the emails couldn't have waited until he gets back on Monday. I didn't reply because I wasn't sure what to say. They were just a forward about 'item you are watching is due soon' or something like that.
Is this an attempt at control? Reaching out for connection?
I'm sorry he's having such a difficult time. As for the note about the shoes, sounds to me like he felt guilty for leaving you over the holiday. Just like a child who breaks something or who knows or does something wrong, they will find a way to make amends, but there will be no apology in the mix.
In my opinion, it's neither control or a reconnection...it's just simply a way of saying "sorry" in his language. Sometimes they will send cryptic emails around holidays just to shake you up and make you as miserable as they are. There's no way of telling what is going on in his mind to be perfectly honest.
I would try to enjoy the holiday w/him gone and not think about his shoes email.
Hi foeverhesaid and (((hugs)))
It is really hard knowing that our H's are off having a great time with their OW's on a holiday where we normally would do things with them as a family.
I spent last night with my H's sisters and their family's!!! Who knows where my H is...off camping with OW...he said he was too busy to spend time with the kids this weekend.
I, too, am seeing couples all over the place that I didn't ever really notice before. But, I did see one couple yesterday at a baseball game where she was saying something, and he stops her and says, why are you acting like this and then I didn't hear anymore as I was walking away. H and I had moments like that and I have to say that I am not missing that part of us!!!!
Try to find something to do for yourself this weekend!!!
Thanks Snodderly and CF,
I have been trying to keep busy, had a list a mile long for the whole weekend but am finding that I already finished almost everything. My folks called yesterday wanting to know how I was - its just a hard question because on the outside I'm ok and inside I'm just dying. Talking to them made me all teary.
Haven't heard anything from the inlaws - they still don't know the situation, and H has been so horrible to them they hardly contact us.
Guess I have to find more yardwork or something to do. I do have plans to see some friends from dance class around dinner time tonight. Thanks everyone for your support.
Strength and hugs to you all this weekend.
Well, new development. My MIL called and asked to talk to H, I told her that he was not here and told her to call him on his cell phone. He had told me that he wanted to be the one to tell his parents 'what is going on' and I have respected that, so figured this was the easiest way to deal with the situation.
15 min later I get a call from H, of course he is mad at me saying "what did you tell my mother?" I informed him that she was looking for him and I only mentioned he was gone. He wanted to know why I just had not picked up the telephone and ignored the call! He warned me that MIL 'is a first class meddler and she'll be calling you, don't talk to her" then hung up.
I guess part of me is glad that the in-laws know something is up, and part of me is terrified of the wounded MLC beast.
You didn't do anything wrong...it was bound to happen sometime!!!
You didn't do a thing wrong in advising her to call him on the cell. If he had manned up and told his parents what he was doing it would be one thing, but it's not your place to "cover up" his mess. Time for him to take responsibility for his own messes.
Yes, Snodderly, it always bothered me if we would see them (rarely) and they would ask "how are you two?". My H would quickly jump in with 'everythings fine' and change the conversation.
I had asked him in the past if he was going to inform his parents. He told me that 'when I start to move stuff out' which has been going on for the last two weekends. I figured it was reality coming a bit too close to his fantasy which got him all unsettled.
It will be interesting to see how he acts when he comes home tomorrow.
Thanks CW, I'm sure H doesn't see it that way. AFter all, its too easy to blame anything that rocks his MLC world on me. As I said before, I think he plan was to have everything packed and once he left town to tell his folks. I suspect then he was thinking he'd trot out OW as a 'new girlfriend' and that no one would be the wiser. He really is not attached to reality at the moment.
So yesterday my dancing group (part of GAL) had a performance at a local amusement park. I noticed while wearing my costume, and walking through the park that I was getting a lot of looks. From men! I must admit my first thought was "do I just look so funny? Is my hair messed up?" But then realized that some of them seemed to be admiring me.
Nice for my self esteem to know that someone finds me attractive - its been so beaten down by my MLC H that I barely recognized myself.
Feels good to be noticed again, doesn't it? It must be something in our attitudes that does it.
I can't believe that its been a few weeks since I've posted. Surprisingly, H's weekend jaunts have slowed down or stopped again. Several times when I expected him to leave, he actually stayed home. Guess its that crazy MLC again, can't figure out what he's going to do. Before he was all gung ho about packing, now that has tapered off again.
This past weekend he finally agreed to meet and talk with his parents about 'what is going on." They already had a pretty good idea just based on how he's been acting and avoiding them for the past 2 years. They apparently gave him holy h*ll for for the affair, and emphasized how dissapointed they are. But now that he's confessed it bothers me even more that he seems so relieved. I'm sure he was dreading having to tell them anything. Now that things are out in the open he acts like everything is all ok. Drives me crazy, much as I try to detach.
I haven't had a chance to talk with them separately, he didn't want me there to contradict anything he might tell them in his happy fantasy that 'we're all good." We saw them briefly yesterday and their simple question of 'how are you' sent me into tears, because I am just not OK. I managed to pull myself together and my MIL told me to stop by sometime to talk, but that hasn't happened yet.
How to explain MLC to someone when its all new information? GUess I will have to dig up and copy some posts in the archives for them.
I would be very careful with what I share with his family. I would advise them that it is crisis and one that only he can work through. Please do not share this site w/them for you do not need for them to slip up and tell him what you have provided to them. This is your safe haven.
Also, please keep in mind that his crisis is being driven by depression, but the depression is cause by unresolved childhood issues. This happened when his emotional growing period was stunted by something in his life. We don't know if something happened between him and his father or mother or both of them.
Tread lightly.
Thanks for your insight, Snodderly. I wasn't going to give them the site information, merely perhaps copy info about what the MLC is all about.
I do know what happened between his parents. My H was adopted and they brought up all by themselves that maybe he needs to find his birth parents since he doesn't want to be a part of his current family. That occured over Christmas, when the inlaws came to visit and there was big blow up. My MIL asked him outright "don't you want to be a part of this family?" and he said no. They left shortly thereafter in a dark cloud.
Also MIL had some mental issues (I also think deep depression, but no one really talks about it) when my H was a child to early teenager. He blames his mother for being horrible to him and his sister, and he blames his father for not 'protecting' him from his mother. He has told me a few stories, some I heard from other relatives but now its one of those topics that no one speaks of. He has told me he resents his parents for how he was treated, and his anger towards his mother is always very visible. I think these are major contributing factors.
So, do I mention to them MLC and unresolved childhood issues and then just let them connect the dots?
OMG! What a mess!
I think I would just say that he's having a crisis which involves quite a bit of depression and leave it at that or that's he's trying to find himself. You don't want to mention unresolved childhood issues because they will then not only connect the dots, but could very well turn on you.
BTW, how are you doing?
Thanks for asking, Snodderly. I suppose I am like most people here, I'm on the roller coaster for sure. When he is gone I do pretty well, I guess I have detached enough that he doesn't bother me as much when I don't have to see him. When he is home, I still get to see him writing emails to OW (he thinks he's being sneaky) and have a very hard time dealing with the anger.
There are times that I catch myself thinking, "At least when he's gone I won't have to worry about xxxxxxx" like a large bill at the liquor store since H indulges every night when he self medicates. However, I also know that I will miss him terribly once he is completely gone, and am realistic enough to realize that I would exchange the liquor costs for having him in my life in a heartbeat. I guess despite the anger I still try to enjoy what time I do have with him, and try to find the positive things when we interact.
Overall when I look ahead I don't see his relationship with OW lasting, he's still got his issues and the whole infidelity/3rd husband's the charm thing I don't think will work out. Also I plan on going completely dark when he is moved out and that may shake him up a bit. Will it cause him to pursue our relationship again? No idea, except he is full of pride and I could see that stopping him.
I often feel like I'm living with a ghost, hes just a pale sad shadow of the man I married.
Last night my husband forwarded me the email that contains the divorce papers he got from his lawyer. This morning, he got up at 5:30am, packed his car and left. We are supposed to be working this afternoon and all day tomorrow, but I guess that would get in the way of his OW time. <sigh> lots of bitter feelings.
He called me about 9:30 this morning, wanting to know if I had read the papers. I admit that I just gave them a cursory glance once through, it was too depressing to delve into further. I told him that I had noticed that some major assets were not mentioned, I didn't know if they had to be, obviously I haven't had a chance to contact my lawyer yet. H got all offensive, saying something about "you know we already talked about this, I hope you don't think I'd be a jerk and take stuff from you, right?" Hmmm, how on earth could I possibly think he'd be a jerk? I just told him that we can talk about it more in person, that's assuming he actually comes back. However, since he still has stuff here I suppose it will happen eventually.
Arrrrggggghhhhh! I feel like screaming! My H just called me, saying his mother had contacted him, asking when he was going to tell his sister about our situation. He wanted to know what I thought. When I told him it didn't really matter to me, he blew up!
He said that he keeps feeling increased resentment from me and that I'm just bitter all of the time. Hmm, projecting? So hard to try not to defend myself. I wanted to scream at him "why on earth wouldn't you think I'd be bitter? You had an affair, filed for divorce and are leaving me for OW?". I tried to maintain calm and just repeated that it didn't matter to me when he or his mother talked to his sister, it didn't make a difference. He said that he was trying to be courteous in seeking my opinion but obviously since I didn't care, he didn't care either.
So hard to remain detached. Crap. Now my mood is down again.
Yuck, sorry he's such a jerk.
I can see where he would get that idea... remembering, of course, that it's all about him and nothing about what he has done to you - because he doesn't think he did anything TO you...
What does your intuition tell you to do?
Yes, M&H, he kept saying about how he was being so nice to show me things such as how to run the household and business, but my increasingly worse attitude was making it hard for him to care.
As if him 'being nice' in showing me how to keep our business from failing when he bails, excuses his affair! I know that this is teenager talking, but it doesn't mean it doesn't get under my skin.
Meanwhile here I am at the office, going to have to explain again to the staff that H couldn't deal with real life and had to run away again. <sigh>
At least when I'm mad I can hold myself together better, otherwise I'm just a big puddle of crying mess. I'm going to go dark as usual while he's gone and he'll probably show up on sunday again acting like nothing is wrong.
I'm rapidly getting to the point where I only think him leaving entirely is going to make things better.
Meanwhile here I am at the office, going to have to explain again to the staff that H couldn't deal with real life and had to run away again. <sigh>
Please be careful with what you say to others. Not much good if any comes of it.
If some major assets are not addressed in those papers, you better think twice about oral conversations with him. Run, do not walk, to your lawyer's office and have those major assets adderssed in black and white. They will promise you the moon and stars...bottom line, they are lying through their teeth in the hopes that you will not draw up papers that stipulate who gets what and when. His question about being a jerk and taking the stuff....yes he would...he was projecting on to you so that you would think he was such a kind soul....please do not believe it...you have to take care of yourself and do not rely on anything he says or promises right now.
As for telling family about the situation...that's on him. He's the one running and he sould be the one to address the issues w/his family.
Take care of yourself and leave him swinging in the wind.
Yes, Trapt, I do try to be careful. My H and I own the business and with a small staff its very obvious when he isn't there. They know that he's been acting strange for the past 2 years, and "he's not feeling well" just doesn't really cut it anymore. I didn't really say he needed to run away, just that he didn't feel up to coming into the office. They have had to deal with the teenager and anger as well, so they know its a euphemism for him freaking out again.
Snodderly, I remember you addressed this before. I will definitely have to see the lawyer despite H saying we would work things out. Of course he hasn't given me any reason to trust him.
About telling his family - that is basically what I said to him. I figured that it should be up to him to address his infidelity, and he blew up and turned it into something about me not caring at all. I'm not sure if he meant him or the relationship, sometimes its hard to decipher MLC speak. I think alot of that spew is he has such anger towards his mother, and I got caught in the backwash.
So H is not in the office today and it was very busy. I got two emails and 2 voice messages from my credit card company that we have a fraud alert on our card and its been frozen because of suspicious activity. Of course I can't ask H because he is not here, so sent him an email asking him to tell me if he has put anything on the card so that I can verify if it is fraud or not.
At 5pm I finally get back an email that he tried to order......
A LIGHTSABRE!!!!! FROM HONG KONG!!!!!
Apparently it was something that they featured on the news sites this morning. I just wanted to shake my head and go "really? and you're how old??????"
Forever - I'm sorry I know that this is not funny at all, but I just couldn't help it....got a bit of a laugh attack after reading that he was trying to buy....
A LIGHTSABRE!!!!! FROM HONG KONG!!!!!
...yeah really...the MLC teenager
I can relate to the office situation...our business is suffering through this big way...and there is no use talking to him about it...he thinks that everything will be fine...the business...the children (from both families), the parents....I feel sorry for them when they wake up...if they wake up.
I'm rapidly getting to the point where I only think him leaving entirely is going to make things better
It does and it doesn't...in my case it's a no-win. You get relief from the drama but I feel that I'm giving up the connection that we still have.
(((hugs)))
Hey Mila,
I've been reading your sitch right along and often ache for what we are both going through. As I've said before, for us the MLC has taken not only our spouses and best friends, but our business partners as well.
When my H first started leaving - first it was an hour or so early on friday, then lunchtime, next it was he'd come in to the office for only an hour in the morning and then dissappear.... This was the first time that he actually took off mid week. When I tried to address this with him, he just said that he thought that he made things too easy for the staff, and that with him not being there they should learn to appreciate any help he might give them.
I could only shake my head. Yeah, when he leaves for his funtime, the work doesn't get any less, we just all have to shoulder a piece of what he's not doing. When he's gone if the D does happen, I'm going to have to try to hire someone else to help us. Its a pain in the rear, but at least the whole business won't collapse. Its just hard to work, I feel such an absence when he's not there, yet I still have to do my stuff, commiserate with the staff and try to keep them from being frustrated, make sure things get done, and not fall apart emotionally.
The lightsabre really had me scratching my head. Is he going to play Starwars with the OW?
This past week the lawyer sent an email, wanting to make an appointment to go over divorce paperwork.
I told my husband that I was not going to make an appointment until he answered all of my questions about running our business. I had a list at least 4 pages long of things I wanted him to go over.
He got mad, saying "are you telling me that you are going to use this as leverage before you will discuss the divorce papers?"
I told him that I needed to make sure I had everything covered before he would possibly just split and leave town. He then said, "I told you that I would always be available for your questions, are you saying you don't trust me to keep my word?"
I was completely flabbergasted. Here is a man who made me the most important promise one human can make to another, and apparently disregarded it without a thought. So you didn't keep our wedding vows, but I can trust you to answer questions about our business after we're divorced? I was steaming inside but managed to keep it together.
Instead, I know that one of his major MLC issues is his health. He has been dealing with a serious disease issue and one doctor told him he won't make it to age 45. I instead phrased my request as, "well, I don't know if you're going to be around to answer my questions, so I would like you to go over everything now." Maybe it wasn't nice to play on his fears, but he seemed to accept that and at least it didn't escalate into a fight.
You handled the question comments very well. He really does have an issue w/trust these days. How much time are you going to give him to respond to your questions about the business?
I haven't given him a timeline. Since I don't want the divorce, I'm not looking to hurry things along in any way. This way it rests entirely on his shoulders, he has to give me the info that I want, plain and simple.
Since he disappeared again early friday morning there obviously has been no talk this weekend. Called about half and hour ago and says he'll be home for dinner this evening.
I didn't think you had given him a timeline since I know that you don't want a divorce. Don't be surprised if he doesn't raise the issue this evening. He's got to mull this over for a bit and he'll come back around again later on. I hope that he will provide you w/the information you are requesting at some point.
We received paperwork for divorce on thursday, and my H's lawyer wanted to make an appointment for me to sign on July 15th. I have a doctors appointment at that time and can't make it. My husband frantically emailed back and got instructions about how I could take the paperwork to a notary and sign and that would be good enough. Of course I told him I wasn't signing anything until my lawyer had an opportunity to look things over.
I am so sad to see how much he wants to push this, its like he can't wait for the marriage to be over.
Thursday he spent the day packing up his car to take more things to OW's house. Although our business was open all day friday, he left early that morning. While I was getting ready, he came up to the bedroom and pecked me on the cheek and forehead and told me to have a good weekend. I hate that I just start feeling more detached, and a simple bit of affection that I crave so much sends me spinning again. Why on earth would he do that, kiss his wife goodbye on the way to see his mistress?
Feeling pretty blue this long weekend. I'm finding it hard to keep a PMA, maybe I need to get away from the computer and find some sunshine.
I'm sorry to hear that he's pushing it. Many of them "can't wait for the marriage to be over and done with". They are the ones that thing a piece of paper will create a magical new existence for them. Unfortunately, their baggage is still intact and riding in the same space ship that they are. My xh was the same way....to bad they don't realize that it's not greener on the other side...but they all discover this later on. By then you will have moved forward w/your life and the doors will open for you to experience new challenges and w/that comes new people, old friends and family.
As for kissing you....he's just nuts. There's no telling what is gone in his mind.
I sit back now and laugh about what mine said to me after the hearing at the court house which ended our marriage....but back then I thought he was nuts....now....well, I don't think it any more, I know it.
You'll get to the point of being able to look back and see just how confused and depressed he was and you'll come to realize that there was nothing you could do to save him.
For now, review the papers and go from there. We are here for you.
Thanks Snodderly, I am trying to take things one step at a time and be logical. Its nice to be able to come here and vent and know that someone is listening.
My folks and siblings try to be supportive, but despite how circumspect I've been in what I've told them, they're full of 'dump the jerk and find someone better' type advice.
I understand, and realize that they didn't take the vow to love him forever. They loved him because I love him, and now that he's hurt me they want to see the end of him.
I ended up taking a long bike ride (16 miles - very long for me) and was thinking the whole time. I'm so sure that he thinks that piece of paper is suddenly going to legitimize everything he's done, but two wrongs are not suddenly going to make a right. I just keep thinking 'she's going to love you just as much as she did her first two husbands, and then start looking for number 4 once she's got you. Then maybe you'll understand how I feel." Faint hope I know, I shouldn't be worrying about him and their relationship, he has to figure that out himself. He even said to me once, 'I may be making a mistake, but have to try this and see...." I wanted to say, "how about trying our marriage?"
Ack, so many regrets, so much energy wasted worrying about this, so much pain endured and so much wishing he'd work on addressing his issues so that we could fix this.
Thanks for listening....
(((forever)))
Glad you got out and had a bike ride!
My H filed for a D back in Feb. and hasn't moved forward at all with it! Everyone keeps saying that it is just a piece of paper and that is true but doesn't make it any easier to take....
I wish I had some words of comfort but all I can say is take care of you...we will get through this and remember what they say, I was reminded earlier of this, that when one door closes, another is opened!
Hang in there!
I'm glad you took a nice long bike ride. It helps to clear the cobwebs from your mind out in the fresh air.
They all think that the divorce decree will solve all of their problems. Even though it's just a piece of paper, it still hurts for those who fought the good fight. The MLCer doesn't have a clue that life really doesn't change for them after it is finalized because they left the relationship emotionally many months before they dropped the bomb. The euphoria of this "new found" freedom will last a short while and then real life will settle them down once again.
I have to say that the comment your h made about this may be a mistake but he has to try it, must be a normal mlc comment. My xh said the same thing.
I understand just how you feel. I do hope that you have plans for today and can put your problems aside for just a little while and enjoy the day.
Confusedwife and Snodderly,
Hugs to you both. I have no big plans, no family close by (other than the in-laws and although I spoke with them briefly by phone on friday, was not invited over for this weekend). Will probably go for another long bike ride, at least it will keep me in shape!
There is a local fireworks display in town, will probably go by myself tonight, it will be at least some sort of celebration. I am trying to be determined to enjoy the holiday, even without H.
Hope you are all enjoying the day in your own way.
So this morning I wake up, having slept in a bit late after fireworks last night. There was an email message from my H at 6:50am, reminding me to change the answering machine message at our business since we are taking today off and referring emergencies elsewhere.
He's with OW, yet cared enough to send the message about the business he 'hates and can't wait to get away from'. Is it small of me to hope he and OW are sitting eating breakfast when he says "I have to send a quick message to my wife...."
Or... another attempt to keep controlling me?
Or... I should just stop worrying about it and ignore.
<sigh> Darned MLC! so confusing.
In the amount of time he texted you, he could have changed the message himself. Even though he says he hates the business, he still wants to have some control over things. He still likes to tell you what to do. Another thought flitted through my mind and that is he wanted to remind you in his own sick way that he wasn't w/you this holiday.
Mlcers like and want control over everything, even things and people that they don't want in their lives any longer. This is where you will need to gently take back the control over your life and do the things that you need to do to carry on the business and also at home.
Mlcers tend to set up reminders on holidays, anniversaries, and special events just to remind us that they aren't w/us. They want us to remember them and yes, make us as miserable as they are. On that note, I would stop worrying about what he's doing and live my life to the fullest.
Mlc is not confusing once you've figured out that they brains are scambled and they are operating on pure emotions.
Enjoy your day and get in another bike ride!
On my way out the door with bike now.....
Oh, Snodderly - I hope that someday I can achieve the clarity of vision that you have about these things. Its so hard when we're slogging through the middle of the MLC swamp.
Enjoy your bike ride.
You have to remember...I experienced all of this mlc nonsense 11 years ago. If you can step outside the ring, you will see things more clearly. When you are in the ring shadow boxing w/him, you cannot see things quite so clearly.
Hi FHS, hope you're out enjoying a great bike ride!
MLC sucks. Your H seems to be getting the pickings of both worlds as he chooses. As your H continues to move in with OW remember that it could be the best thing to happen. Many times once they have to put up with each day to day the infatuation quickly deteriates. You will begin looking better and better!
I also wonder, what are you doing to protect yourself financially and 'remove' H from your life? It is a very fine line to walk and can be very risky, but how do you think your H would react if you had some things packed up for him? Basically, do something different.
I too have joint business ventures with my H, it was difficult to keep all the balls in the air during all of this mess. H would be angry if I didn't do it, he would be angry if I did it on my own, basically I didn't do anything right in his book but I had to do what I could to make everything run with or without him.
Keep taking care of you.
Hi, WCW!
My husband called about lunch time to tell me he'd be home at dinner. When I told him I had been on a bike ride his reply was "that's crazy! Don't you know its hot outside?" Old H used to enjoy being physically fit.
THe business is tricky, because basically although we ran it together, my H wants to dump it into my lap once the D is final. He's not interested in any further responsibility. So, financially I will be OK, but I get the added stress of either doing everything myself, or trying to hire and train someone new to take over his position. Since he's been absenting himself more and more, the staff has been picking up the slack a bit and we've managed. However, I don't want them abandoning ship once he's gone due to the daily increased stress. Will probably have to hire someone, but will cross that bridge once I get there. At least lots of folks need employment and it should be easy to find a good office manager.
I haven't packed up anything for him, mostly because I don't want to make it any easier for him to move out. I figure its what he wants to do, its his business to get it done. That being said, I've already been eyeing some new furniture and have some plans for indoor construction that we've discussed and he agreed to pay for. (one of his plans for the divorce was to empty all of our bank accounts and take the cash... what he thought was a fair trade for leaving me the business. I had to explain to him that I needed some $ to pay for bills and couldn't just start at zero)
Yes, I have also had the feeling that once he gets too much of OW he might realize its not a bed of roses. SHe seems very controlling and has him on a short leash, which I'm sure will start to chafe soon. I think for my own healing it might be good to have him completely out of the house, even if I still want the marriage.