Hi everybody!
I haven't posted in forever. I also changed my SN because I noticed that if you googled it, my DB postings came up... along with other places where I used that particular SN. Brief recap, my husband moved out when I was seven months pregnant... just didn't feel like being married anymore. Never found any evidence of an A though, even seven months later. Never sure if it's MLC, or WAH, or if it even matters.
There is not too much to update as far as the situation goes. We are moving closer to MY deadline - if he renews his lease in June, it's over for sure. But I agreed to wait on moving forward with the D until his lease was up.
We are at a point now though - we spend a lot of time together. 99% of the time he spends with the kids, he spends at my house (and he sees them almost every day). Last time he was to watch them overnight he just stayed at my house. I make dinner, we watch TV together, we banter back and forth like we used to. He calls me throughout my day just to see how my day is going, and once in a while I will call him too. He volunteers more information about where he goes/who is texting/who he talks to and asks more about when people text me (e.g. my mom texts me early in the morning before I leave for work to tell me the roads are bad; H is curious about who is texting me so early).
Yesterday he called me in the morning on his way home from work (he works overnights every other month) venting about coworkers, and he mentioned that a while back, someone had written "Husband and Father of the Year" after his name on the board after they found out about him moving. I'm not sure what his purpose was in telling me this, except to further his own victimhood...
Last night I was telling him he should run for public office (joking around about something) and he said he never could now - constituents would look at him and say "Well, how do we know that one day he won't just quit on a whim and say he doesn't feel like being a city councilman anymore?" He was joking around and being funny, but it was the first time I've ever heard him allude to his decision as being "a whim".
On my own, I'm pretty happy. I've lost at least 30 pounds from my pre-baby weight, I am wearing sizes I haven't worn in five years. I have my beautiful little girls to wake up to every day. I just started my first class towards my MBA. I have lots of friends and family around and I generally stay positive. While I'm not happy about the situation, I think I've finally become a me I can live with.
Last night I was telling him he should run for public office (joking around about something) and he said he never could now - constituents would look at him and say "Well, how do we know that one day he won't just quit on a whim and say he doesn't feel like being a city councilman anymore?" He was joking around and being funny, but it was the first time I've ever heard him allude to his decision as being "a whim".
To me?
Seems like he was testing water, and using humor as a shield.
How about to you?
Possible.
He doesn't usually have much of a sense of humor about the situation. I joke about it sometimes, and then he gets a bit snippy about it and calls it backhanded. So I'm definitely not used to him joking or even referring to the situation between us.
He seems more adamant sometimes that there are no OW. (Ex: He is going to start training for a triathlon. Swimming part is in a lake that is thought of as a bit gross. He says something about getting "trout mouth". I say he'll get that from hanging out at such-and-such bar. He says he just goes there to drink beer and play Big Buck Hunter.)
He's the right age for QLC or quarter life crisis. More common than you think with guys hitting the ground running right out of college into a family and career; not deeply emotionally prepared for the forever part. Rapid rise to the top at work and suddenly peaking out leaves the rock stars looking around and asking "is that all there is?"
Used to only happen to 50 year old guys who had to work their way up over time. Remember blonde secretaries and red sports car movies?
You sound good with most of this. The runaways often want to slip through the back door into their old life without having to discuss their "lapse". They fear hearing about it every time they turn around. It keeps weak ones from coming back. Have you two talked about how to discuss? Boundaries? Rules? What's not fair, or plain hurtful? He may be more sensitive to some things than you think, even when he is trying to own up and face others.
Odd development from last night...
In December I gave him the temporary stipulated order to sign. This was the reason I filed for divorce, so that there would be some guarantee of support and a detailed visitation plan. He said he wanted to have someone take a look at it, and would hem and haw about it every time I brought it up.
He even brought it up in counseling a couple of weeks ago, presenting it as if I nagged him about signing the order every time I saw him (I had only mentioned it a few times since I gave it to him). He acts as if he is so concerned about not being screwed over (acts like he's not the one doing the screwing). That it's ME doing this TO HIM. So, I said no more about the order, and last night he gave it to me, signed. He said he wasn't going to get a lawyer because he couldn't afford one.
So I don't know, and am not going to ASSume anything from that. I will keep being kind and sweet over the next few months because I promised I would. I keep my promises...
He's the right age for QLC or quarter life crisis. More common than you think with guys hitting the ground running right out of college into a family and career; not deeply emotionally prepared for the forever part. Rapid rise to the top at work and suddenly peaking out leaves the rock stars looking around and asking "is that all there is?"
Used to only happen to 50 year old guys who had to work their way up over time. Remember blonde secretaries and red sports car movies?
You sound good with most of this. The runaways often want to slip through the back door into their old life without having to discuss their "lapse". They fear hearing about it every time they turn around. It keeps weak ones from coming back. Have you two talked about how to discuss? Boundaries? Rules? What's not fair, or plain hurtful? He may be more sensitive to some things than you think, even when he is trying to own up and face others.
See, he's definitely not "at the top"... in fact his highest education level is GED, but he has a pretty good job for someone with no higher education. I don't know if a lot of it is because around the time we started dating (at 19 and 20) he had to take care of his teenage brother and be responsible for someone else ever since then... I remember sitting with him waiting for his Lasik surgery and he was talking about always having to be responsible for other people.
Of course the other day, though, we were chatting on the phone and talking about how long it's been since we had no responsibilities, and I'm thinking back to high-school times when I could just drop everything and go to the mall with my friends - and he's talking about three years ago before our first daughter was born when we could just laze around all weekend...
We don't really have any boundaries for discussion. In fact, the separation is like the elephant in the room. We talk, we joke around, we play with the kids together... He tells me when I'm leaving for work that I can just call in and hang out with them all day (I really can't...) Sometimes it's like being married, just without the affection, and sex, and him living here.
OK. Dilemma here. The answer might be wait until April 15th and see how it works out.
I finally have all of the docs needed to file taxes. H was out of the house for more than 6 months, he's had the kids overnight probably about three times, and he definitely did not contribute to half of the cost of raising and feeding them. He's paying me $650/mo now for child support, but this is only since around November. We just moved into a brand new home last January, so there are deductions related to that.
I've worked out our taxes in several different scenarios - whether we itemize or not, file jointly or not, or split the kids. The best scenarios for me, obviously, are filing separately. H will end up owing $1K-$2K depending on whether I itemize or not. My refund (much needed!) would be $1500-2K. I also want to be in the best situation tax-wise for student aid since I will probably be taking out loans for school.
H is angry that he might have to owe money for taxes, as he does not have money to spare. We can file jointly, and I end up with about $300.00.
If I insist on filing separate:
He will think I'm doing it just to be difficult and spiteful.
He will probably not look at himself as the cause of this problem.
However:
*I* have been supporting the kids.
*I* have been paying the mortgage.
FFS, *I* had a baby two months after he moved out and I went through the whole post-partum thing by myself.
I don't think he deserves MFJ.
We have been getting along great for the past couple of months, and there are times when I think we might make it, but sometimes I worry that he's just trying not to rock the boat. Or that he's basically using me - he comes over and hangs out at the house with the kids so that he can use my internet (I pay for) and watch my TV (I pay for) and eat my food (I pay for).
So, I could really use that money. :P I guess I'll just wait to file taxes on April 15.
The first tax season we were separated (it was the beginning of May so it was 6+ months too), I did our taxes a bunch of different ways and told him that I'd file them the most advantageous way and we'd split any refunds. IIRC, I had him claim our son so he wouldn't owe but I claimed head of household and got some back too. After that year I continued to file HoH (we alternated years claiming our son) but whatever refund I got, I kept.
Interesting night...
H and I spoke this morning about his job that he hates, and thinks was a big mistake to work there because he doesn't think that we'd be separated if not for the job. I didn't have much to say to that because I was just getting to work but later in the day I sent this email:
I was thinking a bit about something that you said this morning, and probably overthinking, but I wanted to share. I'll try to be brief.
You were putting a fair amount of blame on your job as far as being where we are at right now. I agree that the difficult schedule, especially during racer, did contribute greatly to your physical/emotional/psychological whole being exhaustion.
Yes, it pleases me to hear that it is not all my fault. Why? Because, in counseling a couple of weeks ago, you were quick to put the responsibility for repairing the marriage back on me. But if I'm not the only one who broke it, I can't be the only one to fix it. Especially when you are not at all clear about your expectations of what I would need to do to fix it. I didn't file for divorce because I didn't want to be married, but because YOU didn't want to be married.
At eight months into the separation, I'm pretty much convinced that if you wanted to be married and live with your family, you would be, at the very least, acting like a married man and living with your family. It would be stupid and naive of me to believe that you left to go live like a celibate monk for a year. You seem to be having the time of your life with all of your new friends. And that's fine, I'm actually also enjoying seeing friends a lot more than I did before you left, meeting new people, and trying all kinds of new things. But I'm not choosing to live my life in a way where people start to question my character and reputation.
When you say that you don't think we would be having our problems now if not for your work schedule - it makes it seem like a simple fix (you don't think we could scrape by if you were making $12/hr somewhere? I have to make it work on my my income alone plus the $650 I get from you every month and I'm managing so far). But it's also not really admitting any fault on your part...
I guess the root of it is - when you say stuff like that, it leaves me feeling confused, like your words and actions don't sync up right. I feel sometimes like I'm being manipulated this way.
Just something to think about.
Since he's been to work and read the email, we've had the following text exchange:
H: Yeah, time of my life. I hate my life. No reply needed.
H: Have you ever done somthing so stupid that it seems impossible to fix?
Me: Nothing is impossible to fix.
H: That's why i said seems
Me: Yes, i've done stupid stuff. I've done stuff that I really regret. are you talking about the moving out?
H: Yes
Me: How do you think things get fixed?
H: I heard there was a credit fairy isnt there a marriage fairy
Me: Yeah... It's called Red Lobster and dooney bags.
Me: Oh, and boobs.
H: I think there are some guy things too
Me: I know. Who do you think bought you those guns?
H: Boobs? I know you bought me the ak. Best present ever.
Me: The bersa was your anniv gift 2 yrs ago
Me: WE are the marriage fairy.
No reply since then... but it seems like we're getting somewhere. At least we're talking about it rather than ignoring it.
After almost 9 months of no sex, and 8 months of absolute minimal physical contact, H initiated sex last night. I'm slightly confused, but detached enough not to be stressing out about it. I got a backrub out of it too, bonus!
I'm not quite sure how to proceed though...
I am just reading this for the first time so bear with me. Maybe I need to go back and reread some older parts of your sich but my initial take on this is that you are trying to control this MLC/QLC.
You have certain deadlines that are in place that MUST be met. April 15. Renewing H lease. IMHO your H is trying to reconnect with you. However you are exerting pressure from the deadlines. He may get done by the deadlines he may not. I think the pressure could extend his time in the tunnel, so that may have been counterproductive.
Does anyone else read this the way I do or AM I missing something?
I have to agree with OP. It does appear that he is coming out of the tunnel, but there is some pressure being placed on him. Not a lot, but possibly enough to push him in the wrong direction.
I like the IM/email conversation following the email. It really sounds like he is returning from the bottom....there is obvious remorse and guilt.
This is a tricky time DMK......it will be interesting to see how things continue to progress.
Well, we have date night scheduled for this weekend.
H has been talking more about his job, how it was a mistake to work there, and he'd rather be living in our old, tiny house all together and poor rather than the current situation - his job is just too rough on him schedule-wise.
I asked him what would be so bad about living together in our new, not-so-tiny house? I've told him that we can afford it even if he takes a job with a pay cut - I'm still due a raise from my promotion last August so I hope to be making a bit more soon (he doesn't know this) plus since I'm working on my MBA I might have more job security. He said "nothing, it's just doing it"
I said "yeah, the putting one foot in front of the other is sometimes the hard part."
He says "I think I've been doing some of that, don't you?"
So I told him I'd get a sitter for some night this weekend and we'll see what happens...
I am just reading this for the first time so bear with me. Maybe I need to go back and reread some older parts of your sich but my initial take on this is that you are trying to control this MLC/QLC.
You have certain deadlines that are in place that MUST be met. April 15. Renewing H lease. IMHO your H is trying to reconnect with you. However you are exerting pressure from the deadlines. He may get done by the deadlines he may not. I think the pressure could extend his time in the tunnel, so that may have been counterproductive.
Does anyone else read this the way I do or AM I missing something?
I just saw this reply this morning.
Lately, I'm not focusing so much on the deadlines (except my own! Lots of homework for my first MBA class :)). I actually filed my own taxes so that I could file a FAFSA, and I'll amend if I need to to MFJ, or pay off H's balance from my refund if needed.
So, I'm just going with it for a while.
It sounds like you are doing well and taking everything in stride. I'm glad our H seems to be making some forward steps. Enjoy your date night!
I have to agree with OP. It does appear that he is coming out of the tunnel, but there is some pressure being placed on him. Not a lot, but possibly enough to push him in the wrong direction.
I like the IM/email conversation following the email. It really sounds like he is returning from the bottom....there is obvious remorse and guilt.
This is a tricky time DMK......it will be interesting to see how things continue to progress.
This is true... I'm just turning up the charm for now. And cooking dinner whenever he's over.
One thing I notice, he laughs at my jokes more. Or maybe it's that I actually feel comfortable enough WITH him to relax and joke.
DMK,
You haven’t always handled this in the “traditional” sense, but what you have done, DOES seem to be working for your sitch…
A perfect example of more of what works and less of what doesn’t…
Cat,
I don't know so much any more that he's "traditional" MLC... the depression is there for sure, but no OW, no crazy spending, and he's still all about the kids... The depression just oozes through the phone when he's at work. He told me last week he feels like a dog that's been beat.
I'm just trying to be one less person that's making him feel beaten down, because that's exactly where I was when we started the process. I was stuck in my own rut, and now I'm happy (and was even before H started to act more like himself).
I'm just sitting here and thinking and I want you to know that I'm extremely sorry for all of the pain and frustration I've caused you over the last year.
My response:
Thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciate you saying that.
HELP!
So, I was all set to move my butt to Piecing, since that seems to be where we were headed. H still seemed so tentative, I was afraid to get my hopes up about anything. We even had some "intimate relations" this weekend. But then yesterday, I text him to see if he wants to go see a movie, and he acts all weird. So I decide I'm done with the drama he is causing in my life, and I'll go dark as best I can.
Not too much longer (this afternoon) he calls and says he wants to talk to me before he goes to work tonight. I knew some bomb was coming. I'm expecting the "I don't feel like moving back in after all."
Nope, it's the OW bomb! The one I've been convincing myself isn't coming because he couldn't keep a secret for almost a whole year. It's the person I figured he was seeing when her number kept popping up on his phone (he said it was her XBF) but it became physical after I served him with divorce papers (sure, I know cheaters tell the truth).
But, it's over as of last week (even though he's been telling me he wants to work on things, even though we've had sex a couple of times). I told him if he wants to work on things he has to move in soon. There can be no contact with her at all. She is done, she is gone, she is not going to be a part of his life. He agreed with all of this (because cheaters can be believed, right?). He seemed honestly remorseful for the pain he has put me through even before the affair started when it was just phonecalls.
For the first time in a year he actually reminds me of my husband. He held me when I cried. I thought about hitting him, but the kids were in the room :P He said he felt like he had to tell me in order to move forward with the M, that it's been eating away at him.
He acknowledged that he's been a complete POS to me for the past year. That I've been a good wife, and that I AM STILL a good wife. And he wants this to be an event, not a pattern (he was super-husband up until he picked up the friendship with this coworker).
I mean, it's not like I didn't really know. Hell, it feels better to know I wasn't CRAZY!
Where do I go from here? I'm spinning a bit. We're going to talk a bit more later when things calm down at his work.
DMK,
Breathe sweetie. You can do this.
You knew, but now you know. There will be some anger, but you can handle this.
Does this change your goal of reconciliation? It doesn’t sound like it.
You set the boundaries, that is wonderful. Now it is up to him to meet those boundaries.
Take your time.
You are strong. Don’t you forget that. You went through your pregnancy and had that beautiful little girl, while taking care of your other D, all by yourself.
Don’t think you can’t make it through this too.
I'm still breathing. I woke up and the world was still turning.
H talked to me for an hour last night while he was at work. He let me scream and cry and berate him and while he can't say anything besides sorry, he didn't try to justify or blame me like he did when he left. We texted back and forth most of the night, I don't think I fell asleep until after 2 (and waking up at 5:30 makes it a hard morning).
As far as the goal of reconciliation - I see myself as having two choices (the rock and the hard place). And I choose my kids having security, a house with a yard and their own rooms, not having to visit either parent, not having to be exposed to a skank parade on either of our parts.
Part of me feels a bit exhiliarated - like I finally see the finish line! But after that is another marathon...
Where do I go now?
DMK,
Glad you are still breathing and the world is still turning.:) As much as it completely and totally sucks to hear it, it is a good thing it is out in the open and you can deal with it instead of just wondering. As far as where you go? I guess that remains up to you. He certainly needs to do the work so you can trust him again. It is up to you to decide if you let him try if he is willing.
It is a tough call. It will be hard work.
BTW, had to laugh at the "skank parade.":)
DMK,
A festering wound will not heal.
As much as it hurt to hear, it is a good thing he came clean.
Now it is up to you to determine if you can forgive...and by forgive, I mean truely forgive, this isn't something you say you forgive, and then bring it up anytime you get into a fight with him.
And this is a hard thing to do, so give yourself some time to figure it out.
Pie(R)cing is hard work, you're going to need to cowgirl up and ...well work.
Pie(R)cing is hard work indeed.
I sent him my official short list of boundaries by text and when I got home I cuddled up next to him on the couch. He isn't shy about showing me that he *wants* me, I wish he had shown that much interest in sex when I was pregnant and he was forming bonds with OW.
And maybe it made him feel better that I would do that with him instead of spending another afternoon arguing about what he'd done. I figured I got my 24 hours, I'll have counseling.
My best friends are very supportive. One who is currently going through a D where her husband has no remorse for the affair and is being a total tool about EVERYTHING - said that he is choosing me... over other women, over playing the field like a single guy. And I'm trying not to look at it as being the consolation prize. Or the last woman standing (not that I'd go anywhere near referring to OW as a "woman").
Less angry, he gave me a hug goodbye.
He is also going to finish out his night shift at the apartment and move home after that. Less than a week to buy whatever the hell I want!
Yeah, I mentioned "skank parade" to him once. When he was still insisting no OW.
I don't think he'd count her as a skank. I wonder if time will be kind to their relationship. The whole thing started as phone calls and hanging out as friends (but secret friends!) but she obviously encouraged the relationship.
He never told her that he never said he didn't want a divorce. So she spent a lot of time sitting around waiting and wondering why he wasn't divorced yet.
I wonder what I might have to "fear" regarding her.
I sent him this email today:
When I am with you, I will do my best to be kind, patient, understanding, receptive. I know on some level you are suffering a loss because you did bond to the person you cheated on me with. Last April and May, you talked to her several times a day. You turned away from me because you had already replaced me with her. You elevated her to what should have been my status in your life, while keeping her your dirty little secret up until two days ago. I understand that you are suffering a loss.
But that will never give you a right to take out your frustrations on me. You started cheating on me, and your children, the moment that you put her number in your phone under (her XBF's) name and never once mentioned that you were hanging out with her. You made her more important than you made YOUR FAMILY. It doesn't matter if anything physical was going on until October, you uprooted your life and family because you chose having her in your life over us. And because she did nothing to discourage you and probably encouraged you, she is POISON.
I promise to be the best wife I can to make the best life for my family that I can. But, if I ever get the idea that she is back in your life on any level at all, or that you are doing this again with anybody else, I will take our daughters and leave. I asked you what you would do if DD's husband did this to them - and I have to ask myself what would I expect DDs to do if their husbands did this to them. I will beg and borrow if I have to to make sure that your choice of lifestyle influences them as little as possible. And I will not worry about keeping it a secret. No hesitation.
You had an affair. You have lied to me and treated me terribly for a year. You chose to give your time and resources to her over your children. Maybe it started out as an escape, maybe you were flattered by the attention you were getting and frustrated by your responsibilities, and it's important for you to figure that out.
I think with commitment and counseling we have a strong chance to repair our relationship. I will cuddle with you and sleep with you any time, I will cook you dinners and bake you brownies. I will go to Pint Night every Tuesday. I just don't want you to get complacent and think "all is better!" or get mad at me if I ask you where this $$ went or who's phone number is XX? Things will get better with time, and maybe never 100% again but maybe close. Apparently people go through this every day, and the only cure is hard work from both of us and time. But I want you to be fully aware of the consequences if you do it again. This is a time when TOO BIG TO FAIL is not just a trite phrase.
And, I’m emailing you because I don't want to ruin the little bit of time that we have together while you're on night shift to work on repairing what is broken... And maybe reading this while you're on night shift gives you more time to think and you don't feel as confronted.
Spinning again.
Friday was a good day. Yesterday, H was withdrawn and tired. Didn't hug me goodbye until I asked him where my hug was. Didn't react when I touched him. I ended up spending most of the time he was here upstairs cleaning and doing laundry to give him some space.
I guess we'll see what today brings, but letting him back in has made me feel exactly how I felt before he left (anxious, achy, needing to take medicine to help me sleep, can't eat).
Today will bring very little, he sent me a text saying he wants to sleep until 5 (he usually gets to work about 6:30)
I texted him back basically that I hope he was feeling OK, we'd miss him because it's a great day for the park! So I'm trying to enjoy that even though it's been a really rough day for me.
Well, H had decided that he knows again that he'll never be happy here. So, I'm done with the DB'ing as a way to save my marriage. With him, I'm going dark and working with my lawyer. I have a feeling I'll be better off without him!
The catalyst it seems - I am friends on FB with OW's xbf. I mentioned to the xbf that he told me they had been dating. Apparently, xbf was never told for sure that it was going on (though he thought he knew). So, I think OW is mad that someone outed her as a skank who went after a married man with a pregnant wife and a baby. And OW is mad at H, so... whatever.
I don't want to come across as being a jerk, but...you do know this is a long process, right? In the grand scheme of things, you're still very early in this. He is going to cycle back and forth. Love you, hate you, love you, hate you, love you...you get the picture. You don't seem to be detached. You let what he says get to you. You have to learn it has nothing to do with you. It's his Monster persona speaking.
Oh, I know it has nothing to do with me. I know he's a monster right now. But he is completely in control of how he chooses to behave. He is fully aware of what he's done.
I know it's a long process, but I have other (great) stuff going on with my life and it has nothing to do with him, and when he's around he gets in the way.
I'm detaching - for good. He spent so much time over the past two months making it seem like he wanted to work on the marriage and be part of the family. It was very hard to stay detached from that. So, I'm going dark, but for me.
And when he comes out of the process, and realizes what he lost, then... his loss.
But he is completely in control of how he chooses to behave.
This is where you are wrong. Even if he KNOWS what he has done and is doing, he ISN’T in control of it. Not like we would like them to be anyway.
I was worried how your letter would go over…
But you are strong and you stated your boundaries. What happens after that, well that is up to him. And you know that.
And when he comes out of the process, and realizes what he lost, then... his loss.
This reeks of anger. Please try to work on that. For you. For those girls.
(((hugs)))
I know but I don't know.
Honestly, it feels like I am starting from the beginning again - that he just destroyed all of what I've been working so hard on for the past ten months. Don't I get to be a little angry?
Of course you deserve to be angry. We all have been. It's natural and it's healthy, but I'm just concerned you're making decisions based on your anger. Are you done because you're angry or are you truly ready to move on without him?
I am pretty sure I'm truly ready to move on without him. That being said, I'm waiting until the anger dissipates to start telling my family that he's been screwing around. I want to make sure I'm not "informing" them out of spite. My friends know though.
My friends who were encouraging are angry, and my friends who were skeptical... well, they're not saying "I told you so."
As far as the decision to move on - I am 29 years old. I am actually in the best shape I've been since H and I started dating (I found a pair of pants when I started piling his stuff up in the basement that I pretty much never wore because they were always too small... I guess when God closes a door, he gives you a "new" pair of pants?) I am tired of not having a "best friend" to share my day with. (God - the other day when I said that to H, he hugged me and held me so hard, like he was so sorry). I am a good person, and I deserve to have someone who will treat me well, and who won't jerk me and my kids around. He is not that person, and he doesn't want to be that person.
Maybe the decision to try to take him for all I can get out of him financially is based on anger though. I think I hung in this for a lot longer than most people would.
I just realized...
I haven't mailed the check for H's tax payment yet... It's a small amount, but...
I feel much better over the past couple of days. Not so angry, just sad. I know the D is the right move for me right now. If I keep hanging on, I'll keep getting sucked back in every time H runs back and forth between us and his new life. And it's not good for the kids or me. Let OW have him for a while, and see if she wants to deal with his manipulation and lies and depression. I think she'll find too, eventually, that he has little regard for anything except that which makes him feel good about himself. I told him to get some help, and hopefully he will so that he can be a good and functional dad to the kids.
Although I'm not as angry, it was very difficult to try to make conversation with H when I picked up the kids yesterday. I don't feel the need to make small talk with him any more.
Sometimes I'm wondering if I'm the one rewriting history... but now I remember so many things -
-When I was 20, my gpa was dying, and I asked him to come over and watch TV with me because I wanted to stay at home with my family - he wanted to go out drinking with his friends because "that wasn't want he felt like doing on a friday night" He didn't go to the funeral because he didn't really know him (we had been dating for over a year).
-When my brother had his first brain surgery - I waited for him to meet me at the hospital so we could go out together afterwards but I had to pick him up, drunk, at a bar (by 7pm). Because HE doesn't like hospitals.
Little things like that, every so often - and things got much better when we were married, and during the first pregnancy and right after he got back from basic training - and then things started getting difficult again when my brother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer in 08.
When I'd get mad, he'd be sorry. He'd promise to act better, and then he would for a while, and then something else would happen. And that's what our relationship is in my mind now. Me crying and saying "I would never have done this to you!" for ten years.
So, it's been almost two weeks and I'm still at peace with my decision... I talked to my counselor for a while yesterday, and she said he's following a pretty typical path for a cheating spouse, and to actually be prepared for him ping-ponging back and forth between me and OW.
That, eventually, especially now that the cake eating is over - he will start to see what he gave up for her. I'm not saying that I'd take him back. And not saying that I wouldn't. I'm just ready to have this legal hurdle be done. But I think that allowing him to exist in his reality is going to be a good thing. I know that my reality is tolerable...
Things are getting interesting... H is putting on the "everything is great" act... and sometimes he seems genuinely nice to me, and sometimes he asks for things and I can tell OW is behind it somehow. He told me he couldn't take the kids on his weekend because he had other plans (I blew up at him for that - he will never do it again). Yesterday I received a jewelry store CC bill at my house for him, it's quite a bit (not quite enough for engagement jewelry though) and it was right after he wanted to get back together... I guess that was his "I'm sorry I was screwing my wife" present :P
His brother and BIL's GF know about the jewelry CC bill now thanks to me, and they are livid - b/c apparently H borrowed money from them to pay me child support (I did not get any extra checks from him). He promised him one of his rifles - but gave a BS excuse why he couldn't give it to them. I imagine he just couldn't part with it, or he decided to pawn it.
H took out a 401K loan (not much, he's not vested) to help get caught up with bills.
He is slightly behind in child support. He owes me at least $3K for house taxes and credit cards that will be included in the divorce settlement.
I let BIL know that the kids and I aren't hurting for money - (H makes almost $40K per year, and he borrowed money from BIL who has a family to take care of and makes about $15K?) I make enough to be able to manage, but I think H needs to be accountable to his old family and decisions at least financially. I told him I'd beat him up if he lends H any more money - it's time to let him hit rock bottom on his own - the sooner he will get his brother back.
Even after getting reamed by me yesterday for having his CC bill sent to my house - H called me this morning to wish me Happy Mother's Day and said "I love you guys" - I thanked him politely and said I'd kiss the girls for him...
So, I haven't posted in a looooooooooooong time. If you can call three months a long time.
I have been proceeding with the divorce process, and the hearing is scheduled for August 4.
Everything has kind of been going a long like usual, and H and I have been "warming up" to each other a bit more. In April it was like the bomb all over again, and we are back to where we text each other once in a while, share jokes, etc. He was even talking about buying me a Kindle (until I told him I bought one of my own). Naturally, I'm always waiting for another shoe to drop - so I went into panic mode when he invited me for coffee today...
He shows up with two black eyes - he fell last night when he was drinking at his nearby bars... He says he is probably an alcoholic and he is going to stop drinking liquor. His shopping list is always "Milk, Eggs, Rum". He thinks he can handle beer, but he doesn't want to drink liquor anymore - well, he WANTS to, and that's all he wants to do, and that's the problem.
The gist of it - he wanted to apologize for everything. He's been a terrible person for the past year plus. He threw away the only thing that really mattered. He says he owes me, the kids, my family, and his family an apology. He doesn't expect anything from me (nor did I offer anything - and I tell you, it is difficult not to jump right in and try to make things "all better").
He is not seeing HW anymore. He has no excuses, no reasons for why he did that. He says he wanted it all, he wanted to have everything, and now he doesn't have anything. I was the one person who was always there for him no matter what, and he threw that away.
He cried. He is going to start counseling. He has a few plans for making his life better.
WTF do I do now?
DMK,
Hey girl…
So what do you do?
Listen, I know you filed and I understand your reasons why. However, you have had continued contact with your H, beyond that of coparent…
So I have a question…
Do you really want this D?
Not from a financial or logistical aspect, but from an emotional one…
Is this really the right thing for you? Is this the right thing for your beautiful girls?
If your answer to any of these things is no, or even not sure, then I think you really should take another look…
Your H, he would have a lot of work to do, to make anything close to a M work. And so would you. You would also have to have a ton of patience with him and the situation.
No expectations.
Considering that you have been going on with a R (sort of) with him anyway, is it possible that you postpone the legal aspect of it for a while?
To see if he begins to make the changes that you would need, to see if he really means what he says?
Sweetie, regardless of any outside circumstances, your children, finances, etc…what is it that you REALLY want?
In that you should find your answer…
*sigh*
I'm not sure even I know what I want to do at this point.
From the emotional standpoint, no, I don't think I want the divorce. From the financial and logistical aspect - I think I need it. I need to make sure that we are taken care of.
I can take another look at the idea of reconciliation. I am not ready to date anybody else yet, so that hasn't been an issue. I have nothing but time, and I would love to have my family whole again.
But he did this before - he apologized before - he asked to come home before - and two days later he was back with her. Even though he did/said things that made me believe that he is sincere, I still need some time, and I need to give him time to actually be the person he says he wants to be. I do need to see (without berating and asking him constantly) that he actually regrets what he's done and that he wants to make it better.
It's a bit frustrating to be here again :P I said NEVER AGAIN three months ago. Who told me that "always" and "never" make liars of us all?
So, it's been a while since I updated, and I have found that my story never seems to fail to disappoint my therapist in its entertainment value...
Several weeks ago I was told that XH and OW were going to couples counseling together. I decided to try to go as dark as possible - amazingly, XH seemed really bothered by that - he came over to watch the girls at the house a few days later b/c I could tell he was in rough shape just because he asked to do that. He is distracted, the next day he doesn't even want to watch them. Promises that she is not in the picture, she only went to one appointment to tell his shrink what an a$$ he is, etc. All he tells me is that karma has come back to him with a vengeance for what he's done. I find out later in the week that he and OW fought back in July, she was the one who gave him the black eyes, and apparently she went out and slept with two mutual friends. Karma is sweet. Although he thought he loved her, she was not really a very good girlfriend, and not really a stable person in general...
Since then, we've actually had a lot more honesty between us, and he is working hard in therapy trying to get himself straightened out. We are NOT working on the relationship between us. Not really in a conscious way. He sees us as wrecked beyond repair (mostly because he wouldn't be able to go out with buddies all the time or anything like that, since the trust is gone), I see him as still too self-centered to be in a relationship with anybody. We do joke around a lot more and we actually sleep together fairly often - which is all about my inability to have boundaries, but I don't see it as working towards an end any more. It's stress relief :P I'm not trying to date right now because I'm enjoying being a ME instead of an US for a while, so I don't see too much of a problem. I figure I'm being supportive and compassionate, which shocks the hell out of him, but honestly I am scared of doing anything bad because karma is powerful
We're divorced now, and it's a relief to have everything down on paper, even if it's hard to get all of the child support he promised because he is constantly broke. At least I know I have legal recourse now.
He drinks a lot, because it is hard for him to deal with what he's done. He is still in the whole "me, me, me" world view - he is lonely, he is broke, he screwed up his life. I try very hard to tell him to act like a dad and pull it together, sometimes politely and sometimes not. It's like he has the knowledge, but not the follow through. Last night was the first time he took the girls for an overnight in six weeks.
I'm not going to say I've completely turned my back on the idea of reconciliation - he still has so much work to do in his therapy... If he ever finds himself where the bigger picture (e.g. the family, the kids) is more important than himself, then maybe I'll be interested. I'm not going to settle for someone whose life revolves around himself. Until then, I'm actually at peace with where I am right now.
Edited to say - I think the point is to say that even if they seem like they're the happiest people in the world when they're in the MLC cloud... XH was running constantly and using whatever he could to avoid the problems inside him that motivated him to do what he did. It seems like he's having a great old time, going out with his buddies and drinking with his girlfriend every night - but you can't run from yourself forever.
you can't run from yourself forever.
No you can not! The world will come crashing down at some point.
All is never the way it seems.
The mask slips and all is revealed of what is going on behind the scenes.
Hang in there.
Very wonderful post, thank you. I think you sound great and you deserve everything you ask for.