Hope the holidays were good for everyone. Our xmas was the best it's been in years. Interesting things going on with H. Some updates and firsts, again, after 3.5 years:
- I hosted a dinner on xmas eve for old friends (3 other couples w/ kids) and invited H. He came and had a good time, although he was the first to leave. Complimented me in front of everyone on how good the dinner was and hugged me when leaving (hugging has become the norm).
- Xmas day dinner was at MIL's where H cooked and asked for my help. H invited old friends (that he's become closer to since he was with ow, but didn't know because of her) and new. As tables were split, H invited me to sit at table he was at with new friends. I didn't, as I felt it would be rude to leave our other guests. Hosting seemed very much like a joint effort. H was attentive and seemed to make effort to merge friends, including me.
- H has started calling me by my name again (as opposed to my other name, "Hey").
- Got me a nice present (although it was a day late).
- Invited us for dinner the day after xmas to a restaurant he often goes to, but that I had never been to.
Several other small things have happened with H being more open, less secretive, and more willing to portray himself as a family man. It's been so so nice to see the changes in H. It feels like a natural progression towards a new R (just a friendship) and things are moving at a good pace - not too quickly. Things are really comfortable between us. There's no pressure. I have no expectations of him. If anything, I expect him to retreat after so much good contact - which of course, is exactly what he did.
So after things have been going so well, H called to ask how much my legal fees will be - as if to say to me "even though things are going well, don't get your hopes up". I played along and offered whatever info I could, totally accepting what he was saying and even offering again to be the one to file. H now says he's going to look for another L (and he's only spoken to the other one once over the phone for a quotation). Also asked me if S4 was easy to travel with, as he'd like to take them on a trip with him next year. I said he should be fine to travel with. When we drove him to the airport a few hours later, I mentioned to the boys in front of H that they could go with him next year - and then mentioned to H that we should determine how holidays will be split in papers. H's response was that we could all go on the trip together! Talk about mixed signals...
I don't know what this is that's going on - but it feels good and it feels right for now. I have a slight fear that I'm being used during the holiday season, to avoid being lonely, so I am very cautious not to have any expectations. Slightly disappointed that I'm unable to allow myself to feel any joy and anticipation for what would otherwise be very exciting times.
BTW - In my last thread/post, I was so down about how many girls were on H's friend list. Now, if you were to visit his page, you'd find pictures of me and kids, posted by H's friend and tagged as H by his friend who I just met, but who is a mutual friend of OW on fb. Must admit - I love it. And THAT, I can enjoy.
"H's response was that we could all go on the trip together! "
SH, I am glad that you are seeing progress, but at the same time, I fear that you will be set up for a disappointment here.
He doesn't get it.
I hear ya, forward.
The exclamation point was used more for expressing how bizarre H's statement was, not so much for any excitement on my part. As nice as it would be to go on a trip together, I am so not holding my breath waiting for that to happen.
What I found more interesting than the actual trip, was that I'm pretty sure that was the first time in years he's spoken about us doing something together in the future (one year away isn't exactly far, but it's a step...).
Still Hoping,
Your holiday sounds like it has been a busy one. I'm glad to see that you spent some of the time w/friends and that your h behaved himself quite nicely when he came over.
The new year shall prove to be an interesting one. He's warming up a bit, but he's still discussing legal fees. Let's hope that the discussion stays a discussion and nothing moves forward.
As far as the trip, he's still sending mixed signals. He may be looking at you as a friend and not a wife. They do tend to talk that way at times. Keep your expectations at zero. Things could change again before a trip is scheduled.
Enjoy the good times and know that he could slip back into the fog at any time.
Happy New Year!
wow
sounds really good SH
Keep on moving and doing what you are
so nice to see your H coming around
and it is so weird to watch the progression of it all
keep expectations low
happy new year
Peace
Hi sh-
I am so glad to see that you and your H are rebuilding a friendship. Speaking from experience, it is extremely difficult not to get your hopes up that things are progressing toward more. You already know you can't allow yourself to go there. My H is supposedly moving back in with me in the next week or so and I still have to keep my emotional distance. I still have to live as if he could walk away at any moment and be okay with it.
I think what you said here is interesting...
Slightly disappointed that I'm unable to allow myself to feel any joy and anticipation for what would otherwise be very exciting times.
Hopefully you are still able to feel joy and anticipation with all of the other things in your life. I find myself feeling disconnected to so many things now but it could just be where I am at in my life with my H, teenage kids and parents with health issues. It is fine line to walk having no expectations while trying to enjoy life. I hope you are better at it than me.
Happy New Year!
snodderly: Yes, H behaved himself very well both nights. It was like a new version of the old him. Very comforting and so promising. But, we'll just have to wait and see how things turn out. As for moving forward with the D, part of me wants to be the one to initiate. Having him continually bring it up and not act on it is so frustrating.
peace: I find it really interesting to watch the progression too. Each time there's some movement, it seems pretty significant, and more than the time before. And so far, I can always expect him to retreat after a few steps forward - just like I've read. Hope the retreats become shorter and the progressions become greater!
upside: Yes, I do feel joy in other parts of my life - just try not to with H. My defense mechanisms won't allow me to. It's nice having the friendship with H, but I also fear that it'll end the moment he finds someone else. My H is one of those people who can only be emotionally connected to one person. Even if we are supposedly just friends, I'm sure he'll still feel some kind of guilt that will change the dynamics of our R again. So for now, all I can really do is just enjoy what we have while we have it.
Craving some intimacy (emotional or otherwise). Feeling impatient waiting to see which way things will go with H, but still hoping for things to work out.
Not much to update. Some contact with H, but nothing significant. Seems to have taken a few steps back since he's returned from his trip. Found out that he has ex-ow working for him. I really do believe it's more out of some sort of charity for her than anything else. I'm confident their R is over, but there is still contact between them.
I've been thinking of taking a class. It just so happens (REALLY!) that the class is taught by someone I mentioned a few months ago - the first guy I've felt attracted to since H. We have bumped in to each other on several occasions and I feel there is some mutual attraction. As we had exchanged a few emails then (nothing too personal - businesslike, but friendly), I took the initiative to email him again and ask him about the class. He replied that he'd love to have me in the class, gave me his number, and suggested we meet over coffee to chat. He is single, aware of my situation, as he knows H from many years ago and is related to a good friend of ours, and has only recently moved back to town.
I've got butterflies over calling him - I do intend to meet him for coffee. It's a step I'm ready to take, even though it may lead to nothing. As much as I would like my H back, I have to assume that he is serious about following through with D. We are going on 4 years of S in a few months.
Have been having a great time lately - friend was visiting, lots of going out, lots of time chatting with girlfriends. Found myself still justifying my position on wanting H back to some friends - which now, seems to totally contradict my interest in this new guy. I want H back, but I'm not going to put my life on hold waiting for that to happen. I guess that's the best way I can explain it...
I am glad you are having a good time. It loooks like you really have a handle on things, meaning you are clear on what you want. I, on the other hand, still have doubts on R with H. Long story. Anyway, I guess your H have not moved forward on D. Guess it is the rubber band effect and now he is retreating again. These OW seems to never really go away...
oc: How are you? What's been going on? Sounds like we have some catching up to do. Sorry to hear things are not back to 100% yet (not that any M is ever 100%...).
Feels like the universe is trying to tell me to move on. After first hearing about ex-ow working for H in his office, I've just been informed that H is in love again. He met up with a girl while he was away. Someone he had met before when she was in town visiting, but who lives in the country he was visiting. From what he told friend, she sounds like a decent girl. Apparently, he's still at the courting stage and nothing has happened between them other than them spending lots of time together. Knowing H, he is calling her day and night, and offering to fly her here. It's very new, not to mention long distance, so who knows what will happen, but H sounds very serious about her.
Explains why H seems more distant again. Am actually glad that he still has to deal with ex-ow in the office. What a mess he's gotten himself in to. And foolish me, here I was, thinking H was turning a corner.
The information is still fresh, so I haven't had a chance to let it sink in and process what this means for me, if anything. I had decided to meet with that guy before I knew about any of what H was up to, so I will definitely proceed with that. As far as proceeding with the D, H had said that he will be the one to take care of filing, so I think I will give him some more time, but will email him some of my terms in the meantime. What do you guys think?
Can't say that hearing about this new girl really hurts all that much. According to H, she's very different from anyone he's ever been with. She's young (30), but where she's from, she's considered old to not be married. My guess is that she's desperate to get married and undoubtedly, wants kids. I feel sorry for her as I'm sure that H has already told her lies. If she does turn out to be the one H decides to spend the rest of his life with, it may all be new to her, but none of the process will be new to him.
Not much use in thinking about it. I'm not very confident it will work out with her anyway. Friends of mine are very excited for me and possibility of me dating new guy, but I feel like I can already see the end before it's begun. Will definitely enjoy the moment while I can, but I'm so trained to have no expectations at this point.
Hi sh-
Feels like the universe is trying to tell me to move on.
I'm at the point I am ready to let what ever is going to happen, just happen. I am going with it and no longer resisting. Sounds like you may be in the same place.
I hope things go well with the new guy. I can understand the feeling of it being over before it has begun...you may not be quite ready to make that jump yet. Try not to get too far ahead of yourself and enjoy the moment.
Take care.
It sounds as if you are ready to be divorced. This is the last last resort technique, but maybe you do need to tell him. You just have to be prepared that you will likely wind up divorced.
Your H sounds as if he is still running away.
I found a lot of anger resurfaced w/the divorce.
Just remember, if you are going to tell him, you must follow through or what you tell him will have no credibility. Actions speak louder than words....just be prepared for anything when you do tell him.
sh
It is so hard
especially to see H making progress then again to be made aware that he is Not done
we never know what will happen
but moving forward with your life will help you let go
H may still turn around but what concerns me with these situations is they seem to pull us back in and it gets so confusing..
maybe we can take all the information we have and usr it in the moment
we onky have now
if H is not ready now, we can use that to move ahead
you are young smart and way ahead of most from this experience
also glad you are having fun and thinking of taking a class from a man you are attracted to
that sounds fun
and as Im now experiencing-- the new R is really fun
better than I expected
I may be in love
that I wasnt asking for but it is here
as for xh I think about him less BF more
and the R is really good
we use what weve learned and it works
peace
forward: I think I am ready to be D'ed - I can't really see how being D'ed will make any difference in my life now, since I've been S for 3.5 years already. Do you really think I need to tell him or just proceed as we've spoken about? The topic has been coming up more frequently - most recently, just after Christmas. H is still messed up and is inconsistent. Trying to be friends with me while wanting D, hiring ex-ow to help her financially even though he can no longer stand her, and starting a new R with a girl in another country. H is displaying a lot of anger at work, so it's really starting to resurface, although not towards me.
snodderly: In our last email exchange, H said that he will be the one to file. I have prepared the terms that we need to discuss and am editing and contemplating seriously before I send it to him. Even though I am only thinking about a new R with someone else at this point, I'd feel better if the D were in place first.
peace: In a way, I feel like H is juggling 3 of us. I found out that ex-ow begged H to go back to her, which he refused, saying that his life is much better now without her in it. That was nice, but I just want to remove myself from the drama. I don't need it in my life and it sounds like he has plenty of it without me. H has been nice, but is distant again. No meals together lately and not much conversation. I think H and I are equally distancing ourselves from each other at this point, with both of us interested in other people. That is really not right for 2 people who are supposed to be married. I don't know what will happen with new guy - he may be looking at our meeting as strictly professional and have zero interest. But I feel like even so, I need to start getting myself out there more and living as a single woman. I'm so happy to hear that your R is going well. It isn't always so easy! You have been given another chance. Enjoy every moment.
SH,
You also have to be prepared that you might not meet someone. I think you need to say enough when you are confident you are OK on your own. I would let him file, but if you are truly prepared for it, yes, bring up the terms.
You could look at it as doing nothing as he continues to spin, but you sound as if you have had enough and want to move on. 3.5 years is a long time (would soon be 3 for me, but we did divorce.
Hey forward - I haven't been on here since probably not long after my last post. Got a phone call today from a friend from here so I thought I'd check in. Was so nice to see you checking in on me...
Biggest update I have is that I have officially entered the world of dating. Met someone several months ago who I was interested in - waited several months to do anything about it - and when I was finally ready, initiated contact. It quickly and effortlessly turned into something really exciting and, for lack of a better word, wonderful. Once I opened myself up to the idea of dating, it was much easier than I expected. I'm slowly learning the rules and am enjoying every minute of it. (For any newbies reading, please keep in mind that I have been S from H for almost 4 years now.) I've done the hard work to get through the hardest parts and am still working to figure some things out. I decided to stop waiting for H and to start living my life again. I don't think this is the appropriate place to go in to the details, but I will say that I'm really just enjoying every moment, having fun, making no commitments and learning to LIVE (whereas the past few years felt more like trying to survive).
Things with H remain pretty much the same. A friend told H that I had started dating and I feel like that caused H to become cold and distant, but it was short-lived and we're civil/friendly again. Because my R with this new guy is still new and any sort of future uncertain, I haven't felt the need to inform H about him. H is still stalling on the D. Don't have any idea why. The past few times we've spoken about it, I've suggested that it I should file first since I already have a L. But H insists that he will do it, despite the fact that he hasn't even called a L yet.
As much as I've fallen for new guy and all the excitement that goes along with a new R, I have to admit that for me, still, nothing beats the feeling of being with H and the kids together. But I'm also open to whatever lies ahead. I'm learning that life really is full of possibilities. And that even after such a traumatic incident, I can pick myself up. Life goes on. I feel lucky that this person has come in to my life, at what seems like exactly the right time. He's the complete opposite of H and is showing me a whole new world and whether intentional or not, is helping me to find myself again.
Really appreciate you thinking about me. So sad to see so many new names on here just starting out on the journey. I remember not so long ago, I would check this site so often, my fingers automatically would type the name of the site in the bar, even if it wasn't where I wanted to go.
Hope all my friends on here are well. Apologies for not being around. Will catch up on your threads...
sh-
Thanks for the update. I am so happy that you are moving forward in your life. You deserve to be happy and to enjoy life. You have worked so hard to make it through to the other side of this and it looks like you are pretty much there. Bravo.
SH
I too felt joy for you reading your post
It is funny how we may have thought love woul;d not find us again
but it is hopeful that after the long process of standing and MLC< we can move forward when ready and find love again if we choose
and most likely the lessons leaned so painfully here will help any new R
Keep us
posted
peace