Karma and Weirdness - DivorceBusting.com

I haven't posted in a while and my last thread locked up but here goes....

KARMA

X has been missing the kids more and more the weeks I have them. Last week she called many times to talk to them. The kids told her I had tickets to take them to a special holiday performance on Sunday afternoon. A couple of hours before the performance she began to text me: Who was going with you? Are there any tickets available? I wish I could be there. Tell the kids I love them.

Then Sunday evening she called on OM's phone: Why aren't you answering your phone? I've been trying to call you. (There was another holiday program I told her she could have the kids to take them to but she never got back to me). She then basically flipped out on the phone wanted me to bring the kids to her (I refused due to the short notice, the hour, and the fact I was feeking them, the next day being a school day). I later learned she called my mother (who could tell she had been crying) in an attempt to contact me.

WEIRDNESS

About an hour later she called and began to ask me a maintainence question concerning the house. She was no longer in a panic but there was a note of urgency to know in her voice. I told her the profession of the individual qualified to deal with the issue and let it go at that.

The next day she called to apologize for her behavior on the phone the previous evening but it turned into a bit of explaining away her behavior oln her part. I ended the convo asap without letting my irritation at her lack of tact show.

When I took the kids to her that very evening to begin her week to have them she invited me in. She drew the kids (and my) attention to the fireplace which had three stockings hanging on it.

Does OM not believe in Santa Claus?

Sleeper, You are still very much entangled w/W, although you've done a good job of setting reasonable boundaries. You still have so much contact with her. I do wonder if that is always good for you.

It is weirdness...but I guess I would wonder if it matter.... That is the attitude that I am trying to have: it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if he sounds a little sad. It doesn't matter if he and OW break up. I just need to go on with the things that matter to me for now.

You've been doing a great job with your children. I am glad for you and for them.

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You are still very much entangled w/W, although you've done a good job of setting reasonable boundaries.

Uh, that's X W. Freudian slip or 2x4?

Her sibling who suffered very similar abuse as a child has serious boundary issues. She still has this weird connection to me even as she is wed to OM. It's almost as if she has a split personality. C said she is "borderline" and multiple personality syndrome is one of the disorders upon which she borders. Having children together makes things all the more difficult.

I have three camping trips planned with the kids this Spring. They are pumped and so am I.

Sleeper, I know it sounds contradictory but you know I have followed your situation and I see progress from YOU.

Sleeper,
I'm very proud of you! You are doing so much better and have a lot of plans to look forward to w/your children. Your focus has shifted quite a bit and you sound a lot better.

As for your xw, she's waking up a bit and realizing what she's been missing out on for such a long time. She's starting to realize that you and the marriage weren't so bad after all.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks Snodderly.

Although this is not where I wanted to find myself, I am finally at peace with being where I am. There is a life to live and enjoy and I am constantly finding new ways to do so.

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She's starting to realize that you and the marriage weren't so bad after all.

You may find it interesting that a few hours after you posted that comment X called saying she had reservations and inviting me to dinner with her and the kids. I was caught offguard but handled this one better by asking, "Who will be there? You, the kids and OMH? Anyone else?" She responded OMH would not be there and mentioned she thought I wouldn't feel comfortable if he were there.

I declined saying I had Christmas shopping and errands to do and need to take care of those things while she had the kids. She repeated the time in case I changed my mind.

A few hours later she called on my cell. I didn't answer. I remembered a post Jackthreebeans made some time ago in which he mentioned they wouldn't come home until you no longer wanted them. I was reminded of that as I questioned whether I would want to reconcile at this point or not.

The kids and I have a great life together when I have them. X has noticed this and verbalized she is jealous of the fun we have together and wished she was with us, even asking if she could join us on activities in the future.

That's not going to happen as it wouldn't be healthy for me to take another man's wife along on a trip with me and my children.

"I can see clearly now the rain has gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiny day

I think I can make now the pain is gone..." Johnny Nash

Great song by the way...

Some take off and never return.
Some pop in and out, never staying long.
Some truly are just fed up and want a new start.
Some are just frustrated, lost, and need space.
Some are MLC, many more are not.

Too much uncertainty in those labels above to ever place much hope in them. There is one thing though that I have a great deal of confidence in saying.

Those who leave will never come close to being ready to return until they are allowed to fully experience no longer being a part of your life.

One of the great ironies of this marital crisis mess is that when full separation finally occurs, it is often we, the left behind spouse, who eventually choose to remain separate.

I hope this will be a new year that is a fresh start for you Sleeper. You have been through enough, it's time to allow your own personal healing to come full circle and truly allow the chips to fall where they may.

Many blessings,

Bill

So here's some "Weirdness".....

X is friendly to me now. She was vitrolic to me for so long I don't really know quite how to respond or to even act when communicating with her for that matter. I have found myself basically babbling in response to her niceness on a couple of occasions.

She told the kids she is going back to college to get her degree. That makes sense in a weird way as she has been acting like a teenager the past couple of years. Maybe she is growing up.

She asked if she could have the kids tommorrow on my time. I didn't say yes even though I have no specific plans with them as of yet. She backed off.

On the other hand they have requested I cook them breakfast (the works) sometime as I have apparently been lacking in that regard.

I'm definately doing a big breakfast in the morning.

Sleeper,
She's growing up just a little bit, slowly but surely. As for her being nice, follow her lead and just listen to what she has to say and respond in kind. I'm glad she's being nice, but Right now, she's wanting the children on your day. Some tend to be overly nice because they want something; others are genuine. So, take her behavior w/a grain of salt.

I do hope you are planning to cook that "big" breakfast for the children this morning. It sounds like the children are looking forward to it.

Sleeper, take it one day at a time and do not look too far into the future. You've come a long way and your xw senses that you are detaching more and more she doesn't want that to happen. She feels her control and manipulation are slipping away and she will attempt to suck you back into her drama. Do not fall for the bait. Live your life to the fullest...you deserve it!

I think that she is finally getting what the jist of divorce means, if you have kids the ex-spouse gets to also spend time with them, and how ever your spouse treated you in the pass (Like you getting your own way all the time) walks out the window like you did in your marriage.

Be nice, civil, but do not engage in actions that kind of eludes that all is well (like marriage to the person who broke up your marriage falls into this category) when it's not.

I think you did swell and can you make me some French Toast !!!

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So, take her behavior w/a grain of salt.

Here's one for the "nutty" archives.....

I went to X's place to pick up kids Christmas afternoon. DD told me X was in the bath but while there X came out.

X was wearing a mini-skirt length robe of animal print fabric (I almost laughed) with very comfy houseshoes that did not match the robe in any sense, shape color or form. I commented to her, "Those shoes don't really go with that robe, you know." I don't recall her response but she looked down and giggled a bit.

OMH was lurking as he usually does, staying one his feet and milling around. He had another surgery and was limping to boot. One day I may just tell him to, "Sit down somewhere and relax, I'm not going to steal her back from you."

The odd thing is X never wore animal print anything before and commented negatively on her friends that did.

The sad thing is DS cried today when I told him he and his sister are going back to X tomorrow.

Sleeper, You've been doing well with staying away from her and not getting enmeshed with her.

Oh, surgeries...hmm, there is some additional reality that should be descending.

As far as animal prints, I've been buying them lately. <smile>

funny how they hated things befor and now its ok... my WAW is that was will all sorts of stuff

Yesterday, X texted asking to have the kids for lunch. She had asked by phone late the night before but I had given her an ambiguous answer as she had caught me offguard while driving. I declined to let her have them as I had tentative plans with them and texted her so. I didn't mention it was my time as that was understood. She texted back "K" (OK).

I later learned OMH was out of town and X was alone for the day. Makes sense she would want the kids in a cake-eating, doesn't like to be alone, experiencing the consequences of her choices kind of way.

She requested kidswap early today as she had tickets to an event and wanted to take the kids. I agreed for the kid's sake as it didn't crimp my plans.

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You've been doing well with staying away from her and not getting enmeshed with her.

"To enmesh or not to enmesh, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by
Oposing end them..." Sleeper

I mentiioned at kidswap how much I missed the kids when she has them and she texted.....

HER: "You can come see them tonight if you want."

"Or tomorrow as well : )"

ME: " I wouldn't want to intrude on you and your husband."

HER: "They're your kiddos...Anytime just let me know!"

ME: "It just seems so messed up sometimes."

HER: "Yes it does and I hate that."

"But always know I will make it possible for you to be with the kiddos."

ME: No further response.

"We see plans within plans" Third stage Guild navigator, Dune

If I start hanging out at her and OMH's place to be with my kids he will defecate kiln-fired earthern building blocks. X and OMH fought pre-nuptuals when I the kids and I dropped in one evening to get some of the kid's things (I still had a key to the house). On the other hand this could be an overture to X having the kids whenever she desires on my time as she wanted them this weekend but was denied.

This is another "double bind" as my counselor coined a phrase several months ago. Frankly I have known for some time if I wished to put a wedge betwen them I believe I could. On the other hand the idea of either of us having access to the kids whenever we wish is problematic.

"To enmesh or not to enmesh...

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Frankly I have known for some time if I wished to put a wedge betwen them I believe I could.

I've been wondering if you'd articulated that to yourself ...

Sleeper I get how sad you are about the break down of your marriage and how you (probably) still love your x wife. I also suspect that your xwife may be up for considering an affair with you.

The thing is, you are a different man today than you were when you guys were living together. You have used this time of crisis to learn discipline, the capacity to quite the screaming child within when it's not appropriate to be a screaming child (I needed that lesson!), you've learned to be a mature man who has coped with one of the most difficult things that has ever likely happened to you.

Your xwife on the other hand has been so uncomfortable in her crisis that she's medicated it with a new dysfunctional relationship and can still barely stand her own company. She's still on her journey and she hasn't hit the place where she understands she has to change her behaviour in order to find the happiness she's seeking.

v

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...she's medicated it with a new dysfunctional relationship...

I fear dysfunctional relationships are all she has ever known. It is her "normal".

She also enjoys change a bit too much and that's probably another way of running away, by distracting herself with the change at hand.

I have tried to take the high road through all of this. I find myself questioning of late whether that was wise or not. Nice guys finish last, you know.

Yes this is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. This is the end of the third year of it. I had a bad night last night and find myself down. It's probably the combo of the holidays, not having my kids and the anniversary of the split. I had a rough night last night. Couldn't sleep, got up at 4:30 am.

I'm going out of town for a vacation of sorts I've had planned for some time today. The timing is good.

Do you know anything about Anais Nin? Cake-eater extraordinaire-- she juggled 2 husbands. I think your X would do the same if she could get away with it.

The anniversary of my bomb-drop is this week, so I can relate. I am glad you are getting away for a bit.

Maybe you should keep your communications with your X strictly business from now on. I fear the craziness is wearing you down.

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I fear the craziness is wearing you down.

I'm much better. Trip was a blast! The best Christmas present I could have given myself. Hotel in the French Quarter, spent New Year's Eve on Bourbon Street.

I sense the craziness is beginning to wear on her end a bit now.

It's that Karma thing, you know.

Glad you had a good time! As for karma biting her in the arse, that's as it should be.

checking on sleeper

I'm glad you had a great time. Which hotel did you stay in? Bourbon Street has changed quite a bit in the last 12 years. It's a great place to go to relax and enjoy yourself.

I hope that you have recovered and will return soon to post an update.

This was my first trip to New Orleans since 2002 (three years prior to Hurricane Katrina). I am happy to report the French Quarter was unscathed by the storm and the CBD seems better than ever. I visited the New Orleans Museum of Art for the first time and was surprised to find it superior to fine art museums I have visited in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area (imho).

I selected the French Quarter Inn online, however it was not the one I thought it to be. The location was excellent but the interior was not as nice as I would have liked. It is in the FQ, two blocks away from the old Jax Brewery where the illuminated Fluer de Lis fell at midnight. I literally walked out the front door of my hotel minutes before it fell on New year's Eve, joined the party and watched the fireworks over the Mississippi River.

A hotel in the FQ is the way to go. I vallet parked my vehicle upon arrival and never drove it the entire time I was there. Everything in the FQ was within walking distance and I caught a streetcar to within 5 blocks of the Museum of Art. The food was fabulous as it always is, fresh Gulf Shrimp and crawfish season just beginning.

The last time I was there was with X but she only crossed my mind a couple of times while I was there when my kids called. I brought back real Mardi Gras masks for my kids and they flipped over them. Got one for myself too. Perfect timing as Carnival season has just begun.

Wierdness......

I took kids by X's workplace to see her yesterday. While there one of X's employee's came in and threw her arms around me from behind saying, "I just love your X-husband." X responded, "You can date him if you want." I'm thinking this is who X was trying to fix me up with the last time she tried. X knows I have dated and I don't understand why she wants to fix me up with anyone. I have no problem finding my own dates.

X mentioned OMH wants to get involved in what has become a traditional activity that is a father-son thing. I was totally caught off guard by this comment and made no immediate response (I have had moments of irritation about this since). I really believe she was just trying to push my buttons as OMH has never been interested in such activities before as this is the third year DS and I have done this.

Then as we were leaving X made direct eye contact with me and made what seemed like a very genuine connection as she thanked me for bringing the kids by so they could see each other.

1. She thinks (or hopes) I still want her and believed herself to be rubbing my face in it by telling an employee, "You can date him if you want."

2. She was trying to push my buttons by suggesting OMH be involved in what has been an activity DS and I do together.

3. She looked me in the eye and thanked me for bringing the kids to see her. (this is the one that confuses me as she seemed very genuine)

Later that evening she called and asked why there was no water in an area of her house and if pipes might be frozen, continuing by asking how she would know if they had burst.

I bluntly said, "You'll find out when they thaw."

Wierdness

Well, isn't it interesting that X gets to grant permission for your dates? More evidence that she has not let go.

I hope she isn't trying to get you and S and OM to do things together--yuck.

You're not her handyman. If she calls, she needs to recognizing that she is disturbing you and you are doing her a favor.

And not weirdness--I think the sun has begun to come up on your X's world and all around is reality. My X is not friendly but I think I am starting to get some sense of reality, too.

Checking on sleeper.

Well I was doing pretty good until tonight.

Just talked to X and she is choosing to go out of town with OMH rather than to stay in town and attend DS's participation in a sporting event he arose to by placing 1st in the primaries.

She wants me to videotape it for her.

It is requiring every fiber of my being to not give her a piece of my mind.

Well, Sleeper, more of the same.

I guess I am still dealing with that, too.

I guess you agreed?

Originally Posted By: sleeper

Well I was doing pretty good until tonight.

Just talked to X and she is choosing to go out of town with OMH rather than to stay in town and attend DS's participation in a sporting event he arose to by placing 1st in the primaries.

She wants me to videotape it for her.

Sounds like she has made another poor, selfish choice. Why cover for her at this point?

A video tape would be for her and only her and IMO would be sort of enabling wouldn't it? It wouldn't give your son what is really needed here, which is her attendance and support.

She is remarried and continues to put herself before anyone else. Why help her with her poor choices?

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Then as we were leaving X made direct eye contact with me and made what seemed like a very genuine connection as she thanked me for bringing the kids by so they could see each other.

Sleeper,

There have been and are some really AMAZING guys here, and I count you as one of them. Who could be even more amazing if they stopped doing what doesn't/didn't work. Stuck in the past or stuck on the wheel. Living off the crumbs their MLCer drops...like the above.

All she has to do is look at you funny and your state of mind goes to shitt. And it is such an insignificant investment of energy on her part to do so.

You are like a toy to her...and shes the type of kid who breaks her toys.

You dance to her tune man, but YOU willing go out on the dance floor.

I wish you could step outside yourself and see all of this, when was the last time you went back and read that your threads are...all the same?

I am not being mean...there are too many good men on the scrap pile from not growing onward.

I hear you Jack. And I have the greatest respect for you and your opinion from what I have read of your posts. But I don't believe it's that simple in my sitch.

I am moving forward with my life. At the same time I can't help but notice (and comment) when I see changes in X. I cannot control the outcome of this. I (as all) can only play the cards I have been and will be dealt in life.

Only time will tell.

Fair enough Sleeper.

: )

Several nights ago I had a dream I which X said, "Come on, lets play a game. We'll both win."

Monday X tells me she is selling the house that was once ours and building a new one with OMH. I asked her what she wanted for it and suggested she sell it to me. We quickly worked out a sweetheart deal. I'll get out of this apt with nothing down and into a house that is better now than when I left it. She gets what she needs to start building and her children will stay in the home they've lived in.

Can't wait to get back to sleep.

Sleeper,
At least you'll move out of the apartment an back into your home. You and your children will definitely make it a home once again.

Good luck!

I'm so glad! It was too weird having OMH living in "your" house.

Can they really afford it (what with airplanes and other crazy expenditures)? Building or remodeling a house is a big stresser on a couple (heh heh).

Not your problem! This great news.

Thanks guys,

I qualified for the loan yesterday (second miracle in as many days).

Snodderly,

It will be great to get out of this apartment (2nd since seperation) and back into a house. I never dreamed THAT house would be the one into which I'd be moving. The kids are excited that they won't have to change schools and they'll still be able to see their friends in the neighborhood.

Andabelle,

Yes it has ben painful to see OMH living in MY house. He basically moved in when I moved out. It hasn't hurt as much as in the beginning but I have felt an occasional twinge.

I hope they can afford it, at least on paper. I'd hate to see this deal fall through. Yes, I've heard horror stories from couples who built houses and it can be very stressful. X and OMH have gone through several very stressing events and their R has survived, much to my surprise.

There's one thing about this that's very odd. X NEVER cared for new houses! She said they all looked the same and had no style/character of their own. We never lived in a house built after the 1950's.

I have seen glimpses of the person I once knew in X through all this contact.

I have also seen someone else who is a stranger to me.

S, I sure hope that this comes through for you.

How are you doing otherwise?