I had a call from my L's assistant this morning. It seems my D was official as of yesterday. They were calling as they didn't want me to just find the piece of paper sitting on my door step tomorrow. For that I am eternally grateful.
I've mixed emotions. This has been going on so long it was always going to be easier the longer it went on. I'm relieved b/c bar the transfer of equity being completed it is over. I'm sad b/c he was the love of my life. I'm angry that my children had to suffer this indignity along with me. I'm even more angry b/c H found out yesterday and chose to tell S17 before he bothered to find out if I knew. I'm curious to see what or who is waiting for me aroudn the corner. I'm no longer scared but certainly wary of what life has to offer me from now on. I'm fearful for my financial future but know that I am a survivor.
It's done and I'm sure eventually there will be some tears but for now they are few and far between.
Hi ACJ! Not sure if I should say "congratulations", but I am glad that you are no longer in limbo, waiting for this D. You are a survivor, my friend. I remember how you felt right at the beginning, and it is so different now.
Try and breath free air, be excited about future adventures, and scrape the last dregs of this long, painful journey off. Do you recall when we still travelled by steam train (well, in Africa we did as children), and you would get all that soot everywhere on your body. Yuck! (Didn't help that you put your head out the window every time the train went into a curve.) Then, at the end of the journey, you would be able to have a lovely hot bath and wash it all off. Ah! It was like being reborn, all fresh, and clean. Then we would go off to the beach, where it's sunny and happy. Think of your future as that beach.
Can you tell I'm taking creative writing? Ha! I think in imagery now.
Good luck!
Thanks BM. Maybe we should all use thinking in imagery as a survival tool
Well at least that awful waiting is over. I never got any kind of official announcement it was over(but then again I never was served either) but I remember getting the first child support check from the state. I just cried for about 5 minutes and told myself, enough of that. Better things are ahead. I just survived the worst 2 years of my life and gosh why would I want someone that was willing to put me through all of that??
This is time to go on a slightly different path. One day you will be thanking your lucky stars for setting you off this way.
hugs, kat
Thanks Kat.
I've been to a staff awards celebration tonight. I was nominated for an award but unfortunately didn't win. Never mind it was a lovely evening anyway.
I am sorry ACJ. It is never easy, no matter what path one chooses in situations such as this.
There is someone wonderful for you out there.
What is that saying... "It is an honor to just be nominated". Yet we know everyone really hopes to win.
Glad you had a lovely evening anyway.
I think this "freedom" from ex has allowed me to go back to some of my old dreams and hopes. granted I now have 4 kids in tow and that doesn't make it easy. Really though, anything worth doing is not going to be a piece of cake.
Hang in there hon, we are all going to get through this together.
hugs, kat
I'm going to be in your shoes in about a year and I hope to handle it as well.
I'm going to be in your shoes in a matter of weeks. I am sorry as I know that even when we accept it, it is still difficult.
ACJ, you have been at this for approx same time as myself, so you find yourself divorced, but I do like Trueloves header, and it is "Divorced its only a piece of paper but I'm sad", it is amazing what these mlcers get up to throughout their journey, I remember saying to you back in the early days that I thought we would be the ones on the longest of journeys with the craziest of guys, to put it in a nutshell Acj, I see no end to this in my sitch, nor in yours I think there is still plenty or action coming up in the years ahead. Nothing is rational, but you know what acj you have to live your life and enjoy your time on earth, and I know people have said that to me and I think its not as easy as it sounds, people dont know what we go through with all this, but hey chin up and have fun, I know it isnt easy lovey, but look at the mlcer they are having fun, only this morning my ex is going on yet another holiday with wifey, strange that he had to sell his car in order to make ends meet but can jet off again, one day it will hit them love, ONE DAY.
Thanks for all your good wishes.
To those of you still to face this I'm sorry you find yourself there but do it with dignity.
Mandyloo yes you and I are 'oldtimers' here. In my case D is not only a piece of paper. There was a time until only recently that I wanted my H back but not now, not now there is another baby on the way with OW. That is one insult to far. The only room left in my life for XH is as the father of my own beautiful 3 children. Currently he doesn't see that they will bind us together for ever so I'm letting him carry on behaving like that. He is the one loosing out in the end, not me. If he ever wants anything from me the only thing open to him will be friendship as my children's father. He has hurt me and them way to much to be given the honour of anything else.
I'm sure my XH would call haivng another baby 'fun' right now. But realistically who really wants to be starting again at 44? I may be financially crippled but really I got the better deal.
Hi ACJ, I just caught up, you sound to be doing as well as you can be, if not better. Good for you.
One thing caught my eye and thats the new baby. I joined a dating site recently and I am struck by the number of men who have a young/ish child given their age.
As much as my kids are my life no way would I have wanted another in my 40,s, can you imagine going through the teenage years in your mid 50's!! babies are one thing I,d have a dozen but 3 teenage years were enough and mine were angels compared to many I know.
Just sit back and watch it all unfold.
Seeing as these men are on a dating site I just wonder how many had the "late" baby in an attempt to patch up an already rocky marriage----obviously it did not have the desired outcome.
I thik your right you did get the better deal. Good luck.
Thanks Naej. Good to hear from you again.
I'm planning on having a party in a couple of weeks. It will be a 'life begins at 42.5 party (aka freedom party)'. Who would've thought when i first came here that it would be me that would be celebrating
I'm sure XH has done his celebrating too but with a GF who is 7 months pregnant I can't imagine it will have been much of a party (especially when they routinely go to bed at 9pm
)
Hi ACJ,
I am sorry that you also didn't get what you were hoping for, just like so many others on here. But I still have to say "Welcome to the First Wife's Club". After a while it does get easier to get used to the fact. I must admit I never thought I would be able to say that.
I don't know how I would have handled the fact that XH will have a child with OW and I am so sorry that you have to go through that.
Good for you that you will have a party. You are still so young and have the whole live in front of you. I am sure that one day you will find another nice man who you can be happy with again.
I wish you all the happiness in the world - you really deserve it. (((HUGS)))
Well in my newly re-found indomitable style I have booked a venue and sent out invites for a party next week. I'm calling it a 'Life begins at 42.5 (aka freedom) party'. Some may be shocked that I am effectively celebrating my D but it has been a very long 4yrs and I decided I owe myself this much. I conducted myself with grace and dignity throughout and that's what I'm celebrating.
Good for you!! I think it is a wonderful way to put the past behind you and look towards the future. You go girl.
kat
Hi ACJ,
Have a super party. You deserve to have some fun in your life. (((HUGS)))
The new attitude sounds wonderful!!
You can't change the past, but you sure can change your future, and what a great way to start doing just that.
Wish we could buy your first drink, so at least know that we are drinking one in your honor.
(((hugs to the new Alison!!!)))
thanks TL and W2S.
I've been a bit down this week. I think reality is really hitting me but I know it will pass. For my own sanity I have to move forward with my life as quickly as I can now.
I wish so much I could help you celebrate.
Even though it is a bittersweet moment it is still a major accomplishment to get through this with your sanity.
You are correct, you have handled this with nothing more than grace and integrity.
You have also helped so many on this board with your support and wise words.
It is time to have PEACE
T I couldn't agree with you more but it's not about to happen.
Yesterday was a real mix of good and sad things and it ended up with me having a complete melt down.
Good financial thing was that CSA finally caught up with XH and as of 12th Oct he will have to pay me maintenance for the half time D14 spends with me. That's a weight off my mind as it will greatly help towards the new huge mortgage I am about to take on.
Sad v. emotional thing has been bubbling for a while. I had plans to meet my friend last night to see another friend play in a band. This did happen. However I knew at the end ofthe eve she was going onto the bday party of the guy I had a fling with a few weeks ago. We met through her. I thought I could handle this but it turned out I couldn't and I ended up leaving v. early in order to save myself the embarrssment of breaking donw in public. I sobbed myself to sleep. When I think about this I got upset b/c I have fought so long the forced exclusion from my old life and this just felt like it was starting all over again in my new life. I've got to get to grips with this before it damages my friendship with this particular individual.
This morning I finally got in the post my D certificate. I sobbed some more and now I look like I've been in a boxing match and lost.
I'm not sure there ever is peace in life.
ACJ, wot can I say. I know how you feel honey, but keep your chin up. They dont know what they have put us through and what they continue to put us through. I ask myself sometimes how did my happy little contented life turn into this. Buy you know what ACJ it has happened for a reason I do believe that, and I also believe that the ex's will regret someday what they have done, there is no excuse for it and in mine and yours case no reason for it, they have walked and thrown all this crap our way, one day ACJ they will have it done to them also, and it is then that they will realise what they put us through, take care love, thinking of you, its not easy but dont let the buggers get you down, xxxx
Sending hugs your way, ACJ.
Thanks for the hugs.
I'm feeling better today. Yesterday I went to see my parents and then D14 and I went to stay with D19 and her BF. They have recently moved in together and it was the first time we had seen thier apartment. It was lovely. It's in a little country village with fields all around. Not what students normally want but D19 is obviously very happy and that is the most important thing.
XH continues to cause D14 stress but she is insistent that she still wants to go stay with him this week so I just have to be here in case I need to pick up the pieces again.
(((((ACJ))))) I just wanted to check in on you and make sure you are doing ok. continue to be there for your kids and let your ex deal with his own messes. that took me a while to learn.
kat
Thanks Katz. In the main I do let XH get own with his own messes. Trouble is if that involves the kids and they wish to speak to me about it it becomes very difficult not to get involved.
Just yesterday XH caused another down on the rollercoaster that has become all of our lives. I had a call from the CSA again. Seems XH has put in a counter challenge against maintenance for D14. He told them he expects to be in receipt of the child benefit in 4 weeks and therefore is entitled to a challenge. This is all despite the fact that I have letters and bank deposits showing that I am in receipt of child benefit and am therefore the only person entitled to claim maintenance. CSA won't start payments until they have checked this out. Phoned benefit office myself and they said they have nothing regarding a challenge on their systems but it can sometimes take 3 weeks for it to appear on the computer!!!!!!!! At this rate it will be after Xmas before I get any money out of him. Why won't he just pay up for his children. What have they done that makes him not want to provide for them? This is all so very frustrating and is causing so much unnecessary anxiety
What an ass! I wonder what OW must think-- gee, I hope our R never goes south, cuz in the event he'll probably screw me and my kid over, too?! Quite a prize she got there.
Will there be repercussions for him when his challenge proves to have no merit? Won't he just have to come up with several months back-CS all at once? Idiot.
Will there be repercussions for him when his challenge proves to have no merit? Won't he just have to come up with several months back-CS all at once? Idiot
Yes he will. I'm fairly certain this is just a stalling tactic. I'm no money grabber (hence why I didn't report him when he didn't pay enough money for the kids when he first left and I had all 3 of them) BUT with the maintenance I have to pay him for S17 I have my back to the wall financially and I need to claw some of it back so that I can afford to continue to let D14 enjoy treats like S17 currently does with XH (or should I say should as I don't think any of my money is getting spent on him. I think i am paying for prams etc)
Alison
"I wonder what OW must think" -- gee, the longer the new daddy holds out money from Alison ... the better off it will be for her and her new baby to be. He is her hero, looking out for them!
As for him denying support for the kids you share, those two lovebirds don't believe your kids are doing without. At least not because of any actions by them. Trust me. He'll let you dangle as long as you're able and if anyone is going to be made out to be the grinch - it will be you. Not letting your kids see this is your choice, and your intentions are admirable. I hope you can hang in there a little longer.
Trust me. He'll let you dangle as long as you're able and if anyone is going to be made out to be the grinch - it will be you.
W2S I agree with you 100% on this. I'm fairly certain he is doing this just to prevent himself having to pay up anytime soon.
As for me keeping this from the kids. I haven't kept it from them. They are fully aware of the situation. I've been very honest and told D14 that if he does put in a challenge and his is successful she and I will have to move to a smaller house. I also highlighted that we would be doing this to enable XH and OW to ive thier chosen lifestyle. I'm no longer shugar coating anything to do with XH. They ae all old enough to understand all that is going on and has gone before. Part of me is angry that becasue they have allowed XH to manipulate them to stay with him that I find myself in this situation but deep down I know they are only doing it b/c they know if they don't they probably would never see thier dad at all. I wouldn't want that for them.
HAd a makeover and finally got round to the photoshoot I've been promising nyslef for 3 yrs. I'm really pleased with the picutres.
well it seems I really was a source of irritation and inconvenience to XH. D14 came home from his house last night to tell me he is getting M on Thursday morning. He claims to have only found out yesterday. He will have allowed exactly 22 days to elapse since our D. That just one day for each year of our M life together. Talk about a shot gun wedding.
He told D14 yesterday morning whilst OW told XMIL. S17 was still in bed at this point so they told him in the afternoon. D19 finally got a call about 8pm last night. By this time I knew.
XH took D14 out to buy her a dress for the wedding. The one she wanted he wouldn't buy cos it was black. So she settled on a navy blue and white one. OW says it's too short and says she can't wear it. It is short but she is 14 and has a stunning figure. More to the point ITS THE FASHION! XH then decided that whe will probably recind both D14s and XMILs invite to the wedding. WTF????????????????????????
S17 said they told him D14 and XMIL were going to the wedding and then watied expectantly for him to say he would go to. He didn't give them what they wanted. This shocked me given that he has been living with them for 18 months.
D19 just said 'Oh'. She then sent him a TM imploring him to think again and trying to point out the error os his ways. His reply was nasty. He told the reason he can't help her out at uni is b/c I've got £40k of his money (the amount I have agreed to buy him out of the house with). He told her I never looked after her when she was little. I took an 11yr career break to bring up my children. If I wasn't looking after them what the hell was I doing? She knows it was all backlash but it hurt us both tp hear it.
Me? I sobbed. Not for me but for my children. Thank goodness I had my party on Friday. If I'd heard this news then I wouldn't have gone. As it is I had a fabulous night.
It's very clear to me that XH has not moved one inch within replay for the entire 4+ yrs he has been there.
ACJ, I hear you my friend, this is terrible news for you, it is exactly what my ex did, only he did it within the first 12 months of leaving us. I too dont think my ex as moved inside the tunnel and probably replay in the same amount of time as yours, it is heart rendering to watch them trash their life as well as the childrens in all this. My ex is without money, job and car now, it as taken him exactly 3 years to get shut of a substantial amount of money that he inherited from his fathers death, we can only hope and pray that someday sanity will return to thes mlc'ers and they will face up to what they have got themselves into and what they left behind. My ex also dictated to son that he would be going to the wedding and even showed him the suit he would be wearing, son did not go to the wedding through his own choice. what a mess they have created for themselves. take care honey and keep your chin up
Just caught up with your post. Remember he is clearly not thinking at all. Just when you think they can't humiliate themselves more they do it.
Remember, this will not be a marriage that god condones, therefore it will be like a living hell for them both.
I have come to realize that these guys are in such need of attention, love, affirmation, that they will do anything to get it, it clouds rational thought.
I am sorry you have to go through this, he is an idiot.
D14 originally picked a BLACK dress-- good one!
OW doesn't want your girl wearing the "short" dress because the pregnant cow doesn't want to be outshone at her classy shotgun wedding.
You're kids are having a tough time, but they will be okay (because they have YOU). Honestly, I feel sorry for X and OW's baby-- it's not a good situation he/she/it is being born into.
Not your problem, though!
Oh, I feel for you as I am in the same boat. Just was told last night though I have no idea when. He told the boys on Thursday and asked them to not tell me. he broke the news to the girls yesterday. Told me that he wanted to explain the reason D10 was in a bad mood, I am engaged he said and I promptly pushed him out the door and shut it.
Cried for a bit off and on but am feeling better now. All four kids said they don't want to be any part of his wedding. Too bad ex doesn't see that as an ominous sign.
hugs, kat
Thank you for all your kind wishes.
I know none of this is my problem but it does cause anxiety to my children so I don't feel I can walk away from it. I've had no correspondence with him at all personally.
D19 tried to talk D14 out of going to the wedding last night. As you know she lives away so did this by phone. Even though D14 was sat in another room I could hear what she was saying. She kept telling D19 that it was ok for her she no longer lives at home and doesn't have to deal with this on a daily basis. I also heard her say 'look D19 if I want to take the easy option and do what dad asks of me I will.' they argued for a while and eventually D14 hung up the phone. I made no mention of it not even the fact that I had overheard. I was really hurt by some of what she said but I know deep down that this is just her attempt to retain some recognition from her father. Those of you who weren't reading my threads in the early days won't know that when XH left she was 10. Two weeks in he told her he had wanted to leave for 10yrs. Astute little girl that she was/is she has been left thinking ever since that it was her fault that he left. He can't/won't see that though.
I'm alright today just reeling from the latest spin on the rollercoaster. I dread to think what's going to happen the day the baby is born. I feel so sorry for the poor little thing being born into all of this. On the other hand I can't help but resent her.
OMG, ACJ! I guess this should've been expected. I wonder if this is just who he is, rather than in his MLC and in the tunnel, as it were. After all, he has not always faithful during the M, and I wonder how long before he starts with this STBW. My heart just aches for your kids. I doubt if he's going to help D19 with school even if he has that money from the divorce. Look how he struggles to pay child support for D14. I still wish S16 would've stayed at home, but it won't be long before he's beyond child support that you're paying. Thank goodness, you are a woman with a career and are able to work. I just bow down to your strength and courage.
Thanks BM
I don't know if you are right or wrong about XH. I do believe that for most of our M he was faithful but I'll never know for certain.
Just today I have had another conversation with child maintenance people. Despite the fact they have substantiated what I said last week they still won't progress my claim as XH has said he should hear from Child Benefit on Mov 11th. I challenged this a little further and they then revealed that he had said he had been told it takes 12 weeks to progress a claim. 12 wks back from Nov 11th is 19th Aug (S17s bday). I got my letter on 15th Sept. So they rang him again and he said he had never recevied a letter when I did so would now be making another challenge. The womand said I would have to wat. I later rang them back and pointed out that if he has yet to make the challenge I am legally entilted to money now. This second person agreed with me. I have resorted to getting my L involved in this. XH is just trying to stall things so that he can buy his new big house. Why should I have to sell my home just to enalbe this?
P.S XH came round while I was at work today. It is half term here. He came to collect D14s dress that he bought her yesterday. He took it back as OW said it was too short! D14 is now not sure if she wants to go to the wedding after all. That will make none of his children there is she decides not to go.
So sad. Nurture your kids as best as you can through this.
This situation is a mess....
Well bit of a turn around today. CSA have finally agreed to progress my claim for maintenance. Not sure what will happen if XH does put a challenge in but at least for now he will have to pay.
D14 now decided not to go to XHs wedding after all. So none of his children will be there. I understand OWs parents arent coming either but to be frank if what XH said about only finding out the date on Sunday is true then no wonder they arne't coming. I imagine it takes longer than that to organise flights from Czech republic etc.
This is all so very bizarre.
The drama continues, 'eh!? I think someone said before, it's like a soap opera in your XH's household.
Hi Ally - what a charmer.
I understand how you feel. I remember I got my final divorce papers came through on the day my X remarried (that was pretty classy).
I don't know if this will make you feel any better - but my X has since told me (mature man that he is) that "she made me get married, I didn't really want to, but I couldn't get any peace until I just agreed to do it" - could be yours is going through a similar thing.
Alison - I know this sux. I know that the next few days are going to be really tough for you - but you are strong and you are getting stronger everyday. Your kids are figuring it out and you are about to start the next part of your life journey. It's exciting really.
I can't find you on Facebook. Look me up - Virginia Perkins in Australia. There's a photo of me, it's just my face, i've got a curly bob - my hair is blowing in my face in the photo.
Thinking of you. Take care, V
Thanks everyone.
I totally lost it yesterday. S17 decided he would go to the wedding after all. I am so disappointed in him. I really thought he would do the right thing this time. He wouldn't admit but he has clearly had pressure put on him to go to the wedding. As far as I know he went.
So I sobbed all night last night. I did go into work but only because I was covering for someone else's annual leave and it was a job that could not go undone. I came home again as soon as that was finished. I slept most of the afternoon and I do feel better for it but I can't tell you how down I feel. It's almost like being back at the very start of all this c**p.
My mother phoned this evening. She cannot understand why after 4yrs and a D I am still affected by this. I told her it will never completely go away. You don't spend 23yrs of your life with someone and then just forget about them.
Virginia I'm going to look you up now
acj, I hear you and I feel for you, remember I have been through this and know how gut wrenching it is, and yes it hurts and it is also hard to understand how other people whether it be your parents, family or close friends dont understand how you feel whether it be 4 days, 4 weeks or 4 years since it all started, I have to admit I have moved on a lot of late and dont think or at least I hope not, that there is anything else my ex can do to hurt me, but saying that yes I still cannot believe what this as all come to and like yousay after spending so much time and years with someone, and that someone turning out to be someone you never really knew at all, it is hard acj I agree it is hard. take care honey
Okay, so the worst has happened... it's gotta be all downhill from here. You don't have to dread it anymore.
Maybe your S went, but your Ds still boycotted. That's something, anyway.
I hope you are feeling better today.
Hope you are doing better. I have been thinking of you.
kat
The kids get torn in this mess. They have to make their own decisions. Sons don't want to disappoint their fathers. Smile and let it be. He will eventually figure out the truth.
I am praying for you and I think about your situation often. I know I will be in the same place probably sooner than later.
It is so amazing that these guys can forget about the 20+ years of marriage. It is so painful. I remember my wedding day like it was yesterday.
This is so hard on you because you planned on staying married for life, you meant your vows, and you kept your committment. Your difficutly in getting over this is just a reflection on what a quality individual you are.
Kat & Trusting,
Thanks for looking in on me. I'm fine this week. It was just the enormity of the day that got to me last week.
CSA have finally come back to me with a figure for maintenance. Because D14 only spends half her time with me I am entitled to a whopping £22.50 a week from XH. That won't keep her in hairspray let alone food
I did challenge it but they broke down the calculations for me and it is right. I'm really worried about not being able to pay my new mortgage when it kicks in next week. Ironically this is all down to the choices my two younger children have made (with manipulation from XH). I've tried explaining this to them but they just see it as me trying to stop them seeing thier dad. What they don't realise is that if I do have to sell I will have to leave the area to be able to afford somewhere else. Thier life is here and they wouldnt come with me so then XH will have totally achieved what he set out to do. I just wish they could see that. Unfortunately the rose tinted glasses are still welll and truely on.
It takes time, but truth always prevails.
It takes time, but truth always prevails.
I know but this is starting to affect whether I can remain solvent. I've lived in my home for 22 years. Someday I might choose to move but I want it at a time that is of my choosing and not because XH is squeezing me financially via the kids.
Interesting observation:
For the last, at least, 2yrs every time XH has arrived to pick up the kids he has sat outside in his car and either sent a text or rang them to say he has arrived. He's been to collect D14 twice this week. Both times he came to the door, rang the doorbell and then scurried back to his car. It's almost like he is starting to feel a little braver about speaking to/seeing me. Must be his recent nuptials making him have a better self esteem
As of today I own 100% of my house. Feels good but also very frightening.
Congratulations! Scary I know but keep planning ahead and you will be fine. Just coming over to check on you.
kat
How are you doing? Well I hope. Almost Friday...Yeah.
kat
I'm fine really. Had a bit of a shock earlier on in the week though which has left me feeling down again.
I finally posted the photos I had done at the makeover on FB. I'm really pleased with them and have had lots of nice compliments from people who can see my profile. Out of the blue the guy I had a fling with sent me an email on FB. He had seen my pictures on the wall of our mutual friend. He told me how stunning I looked etc. We exchanged a couple of emails and now the communication has stopped again. I know he is 'loved up' at the moment, I know he doesn't want me and I know he isn't right for me BUT just having that interaction after thinking I had deleted all contact details for him has left me feeling very sad again.
Well really got an ego boost last night.
I'd gone out to say bon voyage to a friend who is going travelling for 6 months. At the end of the night a couple of us went for a quick dance in a nightclub. Whilst I was dancing away a VERY young man came and started dancing with me. He then led me off the dance floor. I thought it was b/c he wanted to talk to me and wanted to go somewhere a little quieter. In fact he wanted me to get directly into a taxi with him....................... Of course I didn't and just politely told him I was probably old enough to be his mother. Interestingly this was in the same nightclub that I met the guy I had a fling with a couple of months back. It's the first time I've been in there since. Maybe it's my 'lucky pulling ground' LOL
That is awesome and quite an ego booster. Life does go on...
Hi Alison, just catching up. Off topic really but as far as age goes with regard to dating, have you a bottom level for the youngest man you would date?
or do you just go with how you feel about them as a person and age isn't really relevant. It seems it's ok for men to date much younger women but not the other way round, any thoughts on this.
I understand the "taxi" guy was a non started.
Hi Naej. I have set myself an age range 36-45. I don't mind practising flirting with men younger than this but at the end of the day I want to be able to have an intelligent conversation with someone who understands what I'm talking about. For now I've even decided that unless they have a similar academic background to me I'll probably not go there. However this might be too restrictive and if so I'll remove that eligibility criteria LOL
Ultimately I've seen how my children have been hurt by a big age gap R and I don't intend repeating that experience for them.
Five years younger or older is a good range. My H is 5 years younger than me. It's worked out well, until the EA, but that could be any age. Super boost, ACJ!!!
Yes it was still. Still can't help thinking about the guy I really liked though especially since he got in touch this week.
Regardless of age, I know my daughter appreciates the fact that I don't bring any guy around that I am dating. She calls this "classy" and is old enough to see how low ex has gotten sleeping with OW right in front of them. I will not hurt my kids any more than they have already been hurt.
Glad you are feeling better!
Not got as far as bringing anyone home yet T. Last guy I went to his. You are right though about not flaunting it in front of our children.
Hope you are doing well. Wanted to stop by and say hi!
kat
I'm fine thanks.
Had a date tonight with someone I met on a dating site. I think it went well but I'm not sure if we will meet again. I have his number but he doesn't have mine so guess he is leaving it up to me.
Good for you. I haven't been on a date yet and I have been divorced just over a year! I just want to get myself straight first.
So if you had a good time, give it another day and give me a call.
kat
I did send the guy a message saying thank you for a lovley evening. He txt straight back saying the pleasure was all his. That was it, he didn't ask to see me again. I want to be 'chased' so unless he makes the effort it doesn't look like I will see him again.
To be fair although he was a nice man there wasn't really a 'spark' there like there was with the last one
Alison
Glad to see you kissing a few frogs. It might just be the best way to find the prince. Its a big pond and you shouldn't feel too big a hurry, or fear trying.
Focus on enjoying the journey.
(((Rrrrrrrbbbbit)))
Sparks are wonderful. You go girl....... You certainly are deserving of a prince.
W2S there wasn't any kissing going on with this last chap
but oodles of it with the one that I saw before
T yes you are right we BOTH deserve princes.
Had a job interview today. Still waiting to hear if I was successful. Not very confident but to be fair if I get the job it will be a huge promotion so have probably bitten off a little bit more than I can chew.
Good luck, ACJ! Hey, if you don't try, you are certain not to get it, but at least you have the ol' toe in the water.
Got my fingers crossed for you!
My fingers and toes are crossed too!! Now I might need a hand walking.
kat
Thanks girls. You can uncross everything now. I didn't get the job. I'm disappointed but it wasn't unexpected. Worse thing is that I applied for this job to give me a better home-work life balance. Guess I need to stay on the treadmill a little longer.
I am sorry Alison. It will come when it is supposed to, just keep your eyes and ears open. Thinking of you.
kat
There were some positives that in my disappointment yesterday I forgot to mention. Both the other candidates had way more experience than I did (I know them both; one b/c I used to work with her and the other from a local professional network). However I was told the reason they had taken so long to decide is b/c it was a very close run thing. I understand I would have been second choice. Not usually what I would want to hear but given what I've just said about experience I'm quite proud of myself. The girl who got the job is the right person for it and I took the time to send her a congratulations text.
hey Alison!
Just checking in on some old friends on here- so you are on FB? Look me up Lisa Stalnaker Cribbs, I would love to see your pics you had made< this will get better trust me
love,Lisa
Good to hear from you Lisa. I replied to your friend's request on FB.
For the last week or two I've been talking to someone on a dating site. It is getting very exciting. He's out of the country currently working but should be home this weekend. I'm away at the weekend but we have made very tentative plans to meet next week. We've stopped communicating via dating site and have moved on txt (which is quite expensive given where he has been working). He will be home for 6 wks and then back to work abroad again.
I've just bought a verrrrrrrrrry short dress for a party on Friday night. Although I say it myself I look pretty damn amazing. Always thought very short slinky dresses were for teenagers but you know what my legs are one of my best assests so I decided to show them off. I also bought a very cheeky elf's outfit for the fancy dress on Saturday night. I'm determined to have a good weekend away (irrespective of the weather!)
HI ACJ
The dress sounds nice
there does seem to be life after MLC
I too am dating a very nice man for many months now
It is very exciting
all the stuff ive learned thru the crises is helping me to
create better R with everyone in my life
hope you have fun this weekend
Peace
I had a blast last weekend. Just what the doctor ordered. Trip home was a nightmare though.
I met another man from an internet dating site today. He was nice and he bought me lunch. We talked quite happily but there was no spark. He did ask if I wanted to see him again and at that point I said yes. Then he back tracked a little pointing out how many obstacles were in the way. So when I got home this evening I sent him a txt saying I was flattered by how far he had driven to meet me. That I enjoyed his companay but that it was quite evident that neither of probably wanted to repeat it. So I wished him good luck in his search and as he normally works in Afghanistan said I hoped he kept safe.
I'm a bit sad but as my friend just told me, it's a big step forward for me as I've finally learnt that I have a choice if I want to be with someone or not. That's an achievement isn't it?
Definitely an achievement! Good for you!
Definitely an achievement! Good for you!
Thanks.
It was the right decision because he never even responded and I noticed that he deleted me from his favourites on the dating site within about half an hour of me sending the message
Yesterday driving to work a very innocent feature about the birth of a baby came on the radio. It caused me to have a melt down.
I hadn't realised how much the imminent birth of XHs new daughter was affecting me. Now I am dreading the event itself even more. She is due on Christmas Day. Christmas has been a bad time for me and the children since he left given that he left at this time of year but now I'm not sure we will ever be happy again at Christmas.
I haven't gone to work today I just couldn't face it.
Hello ACJ
I am sorry to hear the impact on you about your XH baby.
One of the major concerns when my H left from our children was what would happen if their were any other children. Luckily after 4 healthy children we decided it was enough so off to the Doctors he went!
Your children must be feeling it as well.
MLC causes such trauma to all concerned.
Thinking of you all as you go through this.
Alison, I am sorry you had a meltdown, they happen. It is how we handle them that matters.
Mini 2x4 very small one---staying home was not the best move, it only gives you more time to "think" don't let them / him take up anymore headspace. Are they worth making yourself miserable for,wasting a day?
You have your own children and they need you. I know you don't always see that but a mum is always special,even when we are not showing it to them.
Didn't you go away on holiday at Christmas one year?
Try to either make it totally different or as low key as possible if brings you down.
There are plenty of charities, soup kitchen that are crying out for volunteers on Christmas day, helping others is a great lift and you never know you just might have fun.
As for the baby,she is a totally innocent in all of this and who knows what her life will bring.
Come on Alison, I know you can get over this. Wishing you peace in your heart this Christmas time.
I'm sorry, Alison. Maybe you just needed to do a little processing re: OW's baby. I hope you are feeling better now.
I think the holidays can be hard regardless. I think the best solutions are to keep busy and to change your routine. Even though I have a perfectly fine artificial tree, I went and boutght a real one this year. It smells lovely. The girls have never had a real one and the bioys were pretty little so they don't remember having a real one. I also didn't use my old, sentimental ornaments. No reason to hurt myself. There will be a time when I can use them or pass them on to my kids but just not this year.
You also seem to be doing well on the dating front. I have been divorced 1.5 years and still haven't gone on a date. I am not really trying at the moment, just want to get to a good place for me. All in good time I think.
hugs, kat
Naej,
The baby wasn't the only reason I stayed home. D14 was ill and I'm also really not enjoying my current job. I have major issues with how my line manager goes about managing and yesterday it all just got too much for me.
I am feeling a bit better today. Although for some stupid reason I spent the whole night dreaming about the guy I had the fling with in August. I don't want to dream about him, he isn't available and he didn't want me so the dreams were very irritating.
I'm off to a Christmas party tonight so hopefully that will give my mood a bit of a kick start.
Glad your feeling beter Al, hope the party is great. I didn,t mean to sound harsh,believe me I have had many duvet days and issolated myself too often and now I see that I did myself no favours.
Yep, hear you on the job thing and when its another factor it all gets too much.
Strange with the dreams. I had a fling awhile ago,I knew it was just that but had fun. I ended it but every now and again I want it back.
How I expect any man to understand me when I am a mystery to myself is beyond me lol.
I knew it was just that but had fun. I ended it
that's part of the problem Naej. He told me at the first date there was no longevity becaused he wanted babies! He knew from the start that I had three grown up children. He pursued me (all be it for a week.) It was my first encounter (in more ways than one) after H and I felt very let down. I wasn't prepared for 'fun'at that stage (which is all he wanted from me)so I ended it but now that I am he is all loved up with someone he does want to have babies with (and he must have met her VERY soon after me).
I know why this has happened. It's because FB changed thier privacy settings. I couldn't see his profile before but he could email to mine (which he has). Now the site keeps asking if I want to send him a friends request. I very much want to but know it is not the right thing to do. I'd like to think he would ask me but he won't.
FB doesn't care whether you send a request or not. If you don't want to then just hit the x in the corner. Then you won't get that request again. You are the one in control!
If you don't want to then just hit the x in the corner
That's part of the problem. I do want to send him a request but know it is not the right thing to do.
I'm very low at the moment
know it is not the right thing to do.
Just hit the x
Remember you are in control. You can do it, as you please!
Yes I am in control. That is part of the reason I haven't hit delete.... b/c I know I can leave it there and not give in to temptation. That is a big move forward for me.
You sound as if you are doing well. I hope you have a lovely weekend. Just thinking of you and how you are doing.
kat
You sound as if you are doing well
I'm doing better than i was this time last week. Trying not to think about next week.
I know. Just take it one day at a time. Just think, each day is a clean sheet of paper with no mistakes on it. Everyday is something different. don't focus on what is coming but the joy each day in itself can bring.
I know I am not facing what you are, but my heart is with you hon.
hugs, kat
Alison, just read your post to Trusting and your pain is so raw,please try to let this go,it will torture you and rob you of any joy that will come your way.
My children have seen their father once in the past 9 years! well he spent 2hours extra with his daughter almost a year after she gave him his first g/child. Believe me I know how it hurts even though he has no other children he has stepchildren and older g/c.
I am so proud of my kids they have achieved great careers and lovely partners and are really good people and very good to me.
This will be my first C.mas(in 60 yrs!) waking up alone not a soul in the house and if I let it, that thought will bring me to my knees so I am busy preparing and going through the motions and clinging to my attitude of gratitude.
Life changes and we must change too. Not easy but the only way to go.
I hope you will find some comfort and joy these holidays,look for the small things and look forward.
Thinking of you.
Thanks naej.
please try to let this go
Believe I am trying VERY hard to do this. It wouldn't have been easy at any time of the year but Christmas Day is just about as insensitive as you can get. My main concern is that the child will arrive on time and my children (or at least the 2 younger ones) will want to leave the festivities at my home to go and visit her (yes we know it's a girl). I think that might just about finish me off.
I am incredibly proud of my children. Just this evening I dropped D14 off at her first under 18s disco in a night club. She is stunningly beautiful and this was quite aptly portrayed when every male head turned as she walked past them to join the end of the queue
Alison, quite a feeling isn't it when your daughter turns heads! must get that from her mum.
Take hope, how many first babies or any arrive on the due date?
Put it to the back of your mind and just enjoy the day with your kids.
Hi ACJ,
I wish you a Merry Christmas and a much better and happier 2010. Take care.
Thanks TL. Seasons greetings to you to.
It all kicked off in our house last night. What started out as an insignificant disagreement over the Christmas tree of all things escalated out of control. Long story short D14 shot off in the dark and the snow at 10pm to walk to XHs. I TMd him to let him know she was on her way and asked him to let me know when she arrived. No reply. Thankfully S17 let me know she was safe. XH finally replied mid morning today saying he hadn't seen message last night. Said she was fine. Even if he didn't get message you would have expected that he would phone me to find out what was going on. MLC..................... I txt back being the bigger person telling him that S17 had given me the info I needed and wished him well with the new baby and said I hoped the appalling weather wouldn't cause too much distress when labour finally happens. As expected no reply but at least I tried. After sending this nice message I burst into tears. I had to battle in heavy snow to get to work this morning and I have no idea if D14 will come home for Christmas. I really wish I had done what I said originally and booked a holiday so that I was out of the country at this very stressful time.
I hope everyone else has a better christmas than I am now anticipating.
ACJ,
The stressors of the holiday have gotten to everyone. The weather hasn't helped either. I'm sorry everything sort of blew up last night, but hopefully your daughter will get her act together and think about what the season stands for and come home. She's certainly not going to want to play second fiddle to a new baby this season.
Your note to your xh was very nice. I'm proud of you for sending it. Let's hope everything will settle down and he'll talk to her about returning home.
Be kind to yourself today. You've had some rough patches along the way in recent days.
Please try to enjoy the holidays.
MERRY CHRISTMAS SNODDERLY......hope you have a wonderful and blessed holiday........thank you for all your thoughts and advice.....sending prayers your way
Teens! It's a really hard time for her, hormonally, and it doesn't help that her family is not together. She probably doesn't know where she fits in anymore. No matter how much you try and do the best for her, it's just not going to help, and even little spats may end up being WWIII. Your XH is also putting you down in front of her, so she sees him as an ally after an argument. He is, as we all know, a fool, and this attitude is not going to help your daughter in the long run. All you can do, is ride it out, and be there for her as much as she will allow.
Just some thoughts.
Otherwise, hope tomorrow won't be too bad. Are your parents coming to visit? I've seen on the news that England is really being hammered by snow storms. Talk about a white Christmas --- I bet you'd rather not have one, 'eh!?
Take care.
ACJ,
Kids are so unpredictable, especially the teens. Not only do they have to battle their hormones, but also these terrible MLC situations that they never asked for. I am so disgusted that my ex did this to my children, that alone is so hard for me to deal with.
Wishing you the very best tomorrow. Please know that you are not alone and we are here for you.
Dear Alison,
What a year you've had - the divorce being final, the pregnancy - and you've made it! Just imagine if you'd been through all of this two years ago; you are so much stronger than you were then.
I hope that today is better than you expected, and that 2010 will bring you much happiness.
Love,
N
Thank you all for all your kind thoughts and best wishes.
Yesterday went better than I could have hoped for. Thankfully there was a no show from the baby. D14 and S17 both disappeared off about 5pm to have tea with their dad (which made me sad but I never said a word). They are having lunch with him today too which makes me angry that he insisted on taking up part of my day with them AND wanting his own time today. Deep breaths. I can and will be the better person.
Venting.
Had my first spat in ages with XH tonight. D14 is supposed to be in his care this week. He picked her up Sunday, she spent all day monday out shopping with friends, spent the day which led to a sleepover with one friend yesterday and today she has been at mine all day whilst I've been at work. She left here about 7.30pm to go and see her friend. At 8.40pm I got a call from her asking if I would pick her up and drop her back at XHs. Despite it not being my week to have her and despite me being up to my neck in essays that are due in on 14th Jan I readily agreed. She said she had to be in by 10pm so I arranged to pick her up at her friend's house at 9.40pm. I was there early. When I enquired why XH hadn't picked her up she told me he was at his mother's and that she she walk there to meet them. He then told they had walked there (probably to try and induce now very late baby)so she would have to walk home with them but it probably wouldn't be until 11pm. She sid she didn't want to do this so he told her to walk home by herself. Hence why she rang me. It's the first time I've bben to his new house and I got lost. D14 was panicking that she would be late and XH would dock her pocket money. So eventually I told her to ring H, get the postcode off him and thenI could ifnd it using my sat nav. It took 3 attempts for him to answer. We were actually only just around the corner but he still wasn't home when we arrived. I was furious that she was being expected to go into an empty house by herself at this time of night. When I got home I TMd and said I didn't expect a 14yr old to be told to walk 2-3 miles home in the dark by herslef and that if it happened again I would taek legal advice. He replied telling me it was me who had refused to pick her up in the first place
and that my university work obviously took precedence over her! He gave his usual response whenI TM him and said if I contacted him again on that number he would take out an injunction. I replied........... telling him that actually I had taken her and that he should get his facts straight (he clearly still wasn't home himself). He said he offered to walk back with her after I refused to pick her up and suggested I get my facts straight. As I already pointed out I didnt refuse. He told me again not to reply or he would instruct his solicitor in the morning. I didn't reply but not because of his instruction but b/c I couldn't be bothered to argue about things that I knew hwe was lying about. He will think he has scared me off. I'm seriously considering contacting my own L about this just to show him that I no longer feel threatend by him.
grrrrrrrrrrr. what a pain in the buttocks
It's New Year's Eve and I'm determined to end the year on a positive note on this thread
Yesterday, out of the blue, I got a call from the manager who interviewed me for the job the other week. It seems the woman they offered the job to has changed her mind. So she wants to re-open negotiations with me on Monday. The job isn't definately mine yet but I'm assuming she wouldn't have contacted me if she didn't think I was at least capable of doing the job.
Tonight I'm off partying with friends so I get a break from the studying. Whoooooo.
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY FRIENDS HERE. You guys have really kept me sane for the last 4yrs.
Happy New Year!
I'm glad to see that you have plans for this evening. It's nice to celebrate the new year coming in w/friends.
I hope that Monday will bring you good news about the job as well. You deserve the very best.
Thank you Snodderly. Happy New Year to you too
Your "new year" will be a better one...look...going out this evening w/friends, a new job may be on the horizon on Monday and no one really knows what the future holds. It will be a better year for you.
Happy New Year hon. You deserve all the wonderful things awaiting you!
kat
Hi ACJ! Great news with the job. I hope it pans out positively for you. As for your XH .... surely, you should be able to contact him on any phone or in any place to discuss your children's welfare. I wonder if you shouldn't call his bluff? Check with your L first, of course.
Happy New Year! Hope you had fun with your friends.
S17 came to see me today. When he had been here about an hour he got a text from XH to say he was taking OW to hospital as she had gone into labour. That was about 3pm this afternoon. It's now 11.20pm and still no sign of a baby.
I wanted D14 to stay here tonight as I didn't think it was fair on S17 to have to be responsible for her as XH clearly isn't going to be home any time soon. She refused. That hurt - a lot but I couldn't tell her that.
I've kept it together the whole afternoon whilst I've had one or the other of them here but now I'm having a few tears. It's not b/c of the baby it's b/c I'm remembering how XH was with me when our children were born and how proud he was and how much he loved me then............ I can only tell that here b/c everybody else thinks I should just forget about the past but it's not that easy is it?
No, it's not that easy. It's a lot of years to forget. There will always be triggers that remind you of a good memory because I bet there were many. Just remember the memory fondly, maybe have a few tears, and try and move on. You had the young H, the best of him, and OW will have the old, worn out H (which you wouldn't have minded after all your years together, but imagine starting out at that point).
I feel for you with S17 and D14. But, they will be back ... they always come back to mommy because they are confident your door will always be open. With XH, the open door comes with conditions. It's okay for now, but wait until they're older. At least, you get a break from teen angst for a time.
Take care.
At least, you get a break from teen angst for a time.
I'd rather have it than be without it. At least that way I'd know I was still thier mum. Right now it doesn't feel like I am.
She has arrived. They have called her Isabella.
Today I am feeling very old, very useless and extremely confused.
Oh Alison, this must hurt. Have you got your eldest home for the holidays? might be good to have some company.
You will always be their mum,so stop that line of thought. Just now they are being difficult but it will pass I am sure.
As for being old,well I bet Isabella's mum is feeling even older that was a long labour.You are in your prime,an attractive vivacious woman who has a lifetime yet to live.
Prospects of a new job, your own home and an independant woman. This sadness will pass,it all takes time.
Memories of happier times are bound to resurface but you can and will make new happier memories.
Accept what is and make plans for what will be.
Thinking of you. Take care.
Oh, ACJ! You will always be your children's mom. I feel so sorry for this baby, being born into a situation that is so complicated. Be prepared for D14 to cling to her dad --- I think she is fearful of losing him.
You will know they are your kids when they start having children. My D22 left us, started living with a D'ed guy (with 2 little kids already), much older than her (he's in his mid-30's), has 2 children now, and where she barely contacted us before, is on the phone daily with me now. I did DB her a bit, in that, I did not talk about idiot bf, or discuss how hurt we were (for her) with her foolish choices, and did not pursue her. Try to do the same thing with yours. I know it's hard ---- believe me, I really do know how hard it is.
Concentrate on your career and studies. It's a good way of GAL.
My thoughts are with you.
The fact that it was a long and difficult labour made it harder in a way b/c that's exactly how things were with D19. Different reasons but nonetheless a similar situation. In fact the similarities between mine and XHs early M and theirs are getting spooky.
D19 is not at home, she is revising for her exams and as she lives in an apartment that she and her bf rent together she has no reason to come home to stay (as in she didn't have to leave uni accomodation). I spoke to her this morning to tell her about the baby. About an hour later my mum phoned me. D19 had called her apparently in a bit of a state. I left it a while and then txt her to see if she was ok. She said she needed to process her thoughts and it was something she had to do by herself. I respected that. Tomight she txt me that she has decided to ask to see the baby. I told her it was the right decision. I just hope XH meets her at least half way on this one.
I offered to pick D14 up from XHs house as she was due to come home this evening. She had been to the hospitla to viist OW and the baby. I asked if she had some photos and she showed them to me. Thankfully they weren't good photos (on a phone) and so I could legitimately stay calm. I did my grieving whilst she wasn't here. Hopefully there is no more grieve to come from what was my M.
BM studying is a great way to GAL and forget but it's also very easy to find yourself too wrapped up in it and forget what is important in life. Right now it has to be my kids. I have plenty oftime left to study. They will not be kids for much longer.
Started a new thread still in this forum:
New Year brings exciting news.
Hope you will join me there.