My husband turned into Kafka's bug!

I am devastated! My husband of 20 years (partner of 25) walked out on me and our 4 kids (G20, G19, B10, G5 and we lost one pregnancy at 6 mos) around Christmas. He was "unhappy," we had "grown apart", we had never really had anything in common anyway, we had been SO unhappy for SO long (sure took him a LONG time to start complaining about it, I guess he didn't realize it until he started cheating on me).

We did 1 month of counseling, but the counselor kind of seemed to think that this stage in our marriage was just one of life's milestones, like getting gray hair or kids moving away, or entering menopause. Just what my hubby needed (except he didn't mention his girlfriend

, he finally admitted a month later that there was someone he had "feelings for" - some slut from work!). But he had never slept with her (yeah right), just kissed her once (right again). Apparently an awesome kiss, because their plans were parallel, she moved out from her husband in December, he 2 weeks later.

For some reason he has not even filed for divorce yet, but he's behaving as if he's been divorced for years! He already introduced her to our kids and took the youngest two on a week-long trip with her! I am absolutely flabbergasted at the lack of respect and middlefingerism that he's shown me and our family - hello, we're STILL married! Everyone around me is telling me to wisen up and snap out of my denial (I do believe in our marriage, I think he's in a major MLC and doesn't know what he is doing), they seem to think this is a perfectly normal thing to do! I think he is moving in with her next month (the lease on his apartment expires).

What can I do? He says he wants to finalize divorce as soon as possible (although he hasn't filed yet). Should I just go along with everything he says? How do I handle the property division? ((I'm in Scandinavia, couples own 50% of each other's "marital property" unless otherwise stated (when you're married, everything you own is called "marital property")) I feel like asking for the whole enchilada - I've spent the last 20 years taking care of the kids and his behind while he has gotten his education and worked on his career; I am basically a housewife and mother while he is very well connected within our country's business and political community, his girlfriend slut is an MBA bank department manager. I feel so abandoned and disrespected, I am so angry and sad. Please advise! (PS I have read Michele's books(Busting and Remedy) and am trying to implement what I've read there).

Thank you

I'm sorry this is happening. Here is a link to the resources.

Read and learn about what your dealing with.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

Unfortunately this is a looong rough ride. So prepare yourself. There are no quick fixes.

What are the other signs or behaviors that lead you to believe this is a crisis?

Well - just his symptoms. The changes in him - I read Pat Gaudette's "How to Survive Your Husband's Midlife Crisis," and he was like a textbook case out of that book; I couldn't believe what I was reading, it was so much like what is described in that book. I also talked to a former friend of his, who went through the exact same thing, but he has snapped out of his midlife crisis - they're the same age (42), were going through "burnout" from enormous stress at work. He said, when you throw another woman into this mix it's impossible to get through to you. It wouldn't have mattered what anyone said to him, he wouldn't have listened.
There is nothing to do except wait until he snaps out of it - which of course may never happen. In the meantime, I have to survive! The pain from this is literally eating my insides (I have lost so much weight, my size zero jeans are starting to hang on me).

Sounds like your getting the idea.....

The faster you learn to focus on yourself and let him go to fix himself, the better off you will be.

It takes time....tons of it. Be patient with him and yourself as well.

Read and learn...your gonna make mistakes, your talking to a guy who has made just about every possible one at one time or another.

Learn from them.....They are only negative when you make the same ones over and over again.

Keep reading, keep posting, and keep learning.

Hello Ella
You can do this.
I did it.
My H and I will have been married for 6 years this October and together for 7. We have a three year old.
Last November he said he didn't want to have any more kids. I freaked. Then he said he wanted a break, that turned into a separation, then he wanted to date other people.
Long story short, yes we were fighting. Neither of us were happy, but he met someone and she was just as emotional needy as my H was. From then until about 3 weeks ago, H and I were up and down. OW was in the picture, then out, then back again. Finally, she just got engaged and right before that and especially when it happened, H hit rock bottom and everyone could hear the thud when he hit bottom.

Since then, we've been not only getting along, but I'm receiving geniune affection that does not lead to ML. He's being thoughtful including a nice day at the beach and dinner at my favorite restaurant for my birthday coming up later this month. He's also invited me as his date to a big night with his friends, his golf buddies.

I wish I had known all I know now that first night he said he wanted a separation.

Here's what I will advise to you as you start this road to hell....I hope it helps you get back to reality sooner with your H in tow......

My mother recently asked me (paraphrased) what would you do if you knew for fact that H would come back to you, sooner than later? What if you knew for fact that he just needs to work through this crazy and will one day again not only be your husband but you will have an even better relationship with him? How would you act right now? What would you do?
The answer: I would live my life and just do things I like, either with or without him but def. with our son. I would even be able to laugh sometimes as I witness the the MLC crazy first hand. I would be able to live.....that's the most important thing I've learned and I wish to God my mother had said this to me months ago. But I have to admit Michelle teaches the same thing....she calls it "Act as If". And you need to do this. It will have a huge impact on you, a great one.

Next, get a life. We call it GALing here. It's imperative. I did do this as soon as I read Divorce Rememdy and it's truly wonderful and liberating and really, we should all be doing this all the time no matter what's going on in our lives. We all deserve this.

The baggy size 0s.....I understand. I was about 125 pounds when my H left. I'm about 103- 106 now. BUT I am now starting to eat more....because I'm feeling better and I do need to put some weight back on. Try, try to eat and take care of yourself. It's hard, but you have to for you and for your children.

So here's the good news.....My H's EA definitely ended, several times. And when it ended for good, he made a very loud splat when he was slammed dunked by OW. While I was there for him, I asked NO questions. Not one. I made sure everyone in our family was ok, (like his mother and his cousin who is not well, fighting cancer) and then let him have his breakdown. In the end, he came to me....and it was a hard decision, but I figured, Man, I fought this long for this moment and now I just want to smack him. But I won't. This is my H and I will love him, even now.

So wait it out. Patience....you will need lots of it. And I had NONE when this started. Now, I have a lot. I've learned and this experience has at least given me that....patience.

Also, once I finally let go and really was able to detach, after my mother's great questions put it into perspective for me, I was able to relax. I had no expectations for his reactions, his actions, nothing from him. And then, then it happened. He seemed to finally see me again. He started to call just to call. He started to text, just to text. He started to really care and ask me crap like "What do you want to do for dinner?" Or he would compliment me, which he had stopped doing. It all changed and changed fast.

Now don't get me wrong... H and I are NOT out of the woods. We could still stand before a judge and end this marriage....but I'm less afraid of that now and I have a much better idea of what works for me and what doesn't.

But it might not happen that way for you, but it can, so be ready.

Remember, act as if, do things for you and for your family and have no expectations. When it comes to your H and doing things for or with him......my only rule is this: Don't do anything you aren't willing to do for the rest of your life.

You can do this. We are all here for you.

Wow! ADB!! This is post that NEEDS to be stickied somewhere for everyone to read--not just in MLC, but also in Newcomers.

It is how I feel, too, but you have done a great job of putting it in words.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

^ Agrees w/SMW! Wow!

Thank you so much, I love this website! One thing though - I'm having a hard time understanding all the abbreviations! Is there a list of what they mean somewhere?!
ILYBINILWY ?
I understand... M, me, H, husband... What is T? D, S, daughter, son
DBing? and, for example, from SMW:
M40/H35 (him 35, "me" 40)
T16/M14 ?
4K 4 kids
B2/08 ?
S4/08 ?
I'm sorry how dense I am...!

I am sorry you're in this mess.

I would say that if you don't want a divorce, don't do anything (but consult with a lawyer to make sure that you don't get stuck in some mess). Make him do all the paperwork.

GAL is good advice, but I think that I would also say that it takes a while to get detached and get to the point where you are not hurting enormously.

I found that going dark early in the crisis was good; it helped me detach and not be angry. You have to get rid of anger before you can become friends and then possibly romantic--if it is going to happen.

Your H's crisis seems to have come on abruptly. My H's came on slowly and is probably going to exit slowly. I think the quick crises are the ones that burn out quickly, too.

Ella--

Here is quick course in abbreviations--there are more listed in a thread somewhere else.

ILYBNILWY--I love you but not in live with you

T16/M14 Together 16 years married 14 years

B2/08--bomb occurred February 2008
S4/08--separated April 2008

On my threads DH=deer husband which is an inside joke

WAS= walkaway spouse
LBS=left behind spouse
OW/OM=other woman/man
A=affair
DAM=dumb a$$ man

There are tons more and anyone will answer if you ask when unsure. If I get a chance to find the thread I will post the link to you.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

one other thing
watch the finances
they spend and spend as if no tomorrow
watch the bank accounts
seperate credit cards
they also rack up tons of debt
if you see a lawyer, you can get advised and you dont ever have to file or tell your H you sought legal advice
get as much info as possible so you are prepared and protect yourself and your assets
peace

Unfortunately, that is very true. H never went for our accounts but he went for the plastic. He was truly Big Man on Campus when he was out paying for the tab....which meant WE paid for the tab. I sat him down and told him no more. I said "I understand your generous nature, I love that about you, but right now, we just can't afford to do this." He was cool and stopped.

Originally Posted By: ella

What can I do? He says he wants to finalize divorce as soon as possible (although he hasn't filed yet). Should I just go along with everything he says? How do I handle the property division? ((I'm in Scandinavia, couples own 50% of each other's "marital property" unless otherwise stated...

(PS I have read Michele's books(Busting and Remedy) and am trying to implement what I've read there).

((((Ella))))

That's a hug for you.

I can empathize with much of what you have written. My wife has been in MLC for about 3 years, and we've been separated for about 28 months. We went to a marriage counselor for a few months, but she was only attending so that she could ease me into the separation and then into mediation.

I agreed to go to mediation, and I managed to stretch the process out for 10 months. We separated our finances and I purchased her half of the condo and car, almost a year ago. I haven't seen any signs that she is moving closer to reconciling, but she still has not filed for divorce either. My following Divorce Busting principles has, at the very least, kept the chances of reconciliation as high as possible. Things are amicable, and communications are respectful on both our parts.

Are you in Scandinavia or in Minnesota?

It is good that you have read both DB and DR. Keep looking them over and reading through this great Board. I began cutting and pasting all helpful posts and inspirational stories and ideas into text documents that I printed out and put into a binder. It is now about two inches thick!

I lost a lot of weight early on, after discovering her affair, and I was already slim, so that was not good for me. I just didn't feel like eating. But looking back over two years ago, I started feeling better when I made a commitment to taking better care of myself.

It is so important to get out and exercise. The endorphins your body will produce from exercising even just 3 times a week are like natural antidepressants, and you will sleep better at night.

To avoid losing too much weight, eat lots of healthy snacks, protein bars, fruit, or smoothies/shakes during your days.

Meditation is very helpful to practice because you begin to learn how to recognize negative thinking and you can choose to change your thought patterns. I had to work hard at letting go of thoughts about my W and OM.

I have been volunteering at a nursing home and doing hospice voluteer work in the past year, and I have found that helping others who are in need is a great way to feel better about my life situation.

I don't post very much on this site due to my busy GAL activities. It is good to visit this site often early on as you are getting advice, but get outside and feel the textures of summer under your bare feet.

Best wishes,

LG

Originally Posted By: ella

I'm having a hard time understanding all the abbreviations! Is there a list of what they mean somewhere?!
I'm sorry how dense I am...!

Don't worry, it's a lot to figure out at first. Try this thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...;gonew=1#UNREAD

You are on the MLC diet, which is very popular on this site, although it is acknowledged to to be very unhealthy. I myself went from my pretty stable weight of 134 pounds all the way down to 112 pounds, in just six weeks or so, and I stayed under 120 for about a year (by now I'm back to almost the weight I was before the bomb, and am working to lose some of it again, but in a more healthy fashion this time). Almost overnight I developed raging cases of both bulimia and anorexia (the bulimia has been a minor issue off and on for years, but the anorexia was brand new). I simply was too upset to eat, although I was physically hungry sometimes. I basically quit sleeping for two weeks after the bomb, which didn't help. I went from size 6/8 to size 2, and none of my clothes fit. And my H (who was always pretty observant) never admitted to noticing, although many other people did, and several told me I was becoming almost emaciated. So...keep in mind, you are not alone.

Welcome to MLC. It's not a fun place to be, but at least you have a lot of good people here to keep you company. Strap yourself in, because it is going to be a longer ride, with bigger hills and valleys, than you can possibly imagine. Read everything you can here in the way of resources, and follow the suggested courses of action; it really does help! Your H sounds fairly typical of MLC to me, so I suggest that you read whatever you can about that too.

Take care of yourself!

Peace and blessings,
Dawn

yes the MLC diet
I too lost so much weight
I have gained it all back now though
so try your best to eat. and it takes a while to gain it back ---even when you start eating again but kniow that this is common among most LBS
peace

I do want to say that I believe that with the MLC diet, the key is to use it as an opportunity to change. That is, as you become more comfortable with eating again, make healthier food choices than you did before the bomb. This will change your life and your body, no question about it. I think a lot of us regain the weight that was lost during the MLC diet because we go right back to unhealthy eating. The MLC diet is a bend in the road...make sure that as you travel forward from that bend, you take the fork (no pun intended!) that leads you to a better place!

Peace,
Dawn

My husband is very strange. Crying one minute and asking where I am with "us." Hmm...I'm careful not to give any definite answer; I just tell him I hope each day we take another step forward. He's having an affair with the VP of his company and so I am worried about the financial affairs and so are other people within his business. He's really doing so much damage now and I can do nothing but sit back and watch him implode. I wish I knew if his MLC came on quickly, it sure seems like it. I'm hoping he will have some answers by spring, but I probably shouldn't count on anything.

Oops, forgot to add the vital stats to my last post...

Me 47
H 42
No kids
M 20 years
Bomb 5/23/2009
H moved out 7/09

Golfgirl, sorry you find yourself in this situation, but glad you found the forums. Have you read DB or DR yet? If not, then RUN, do not walk, to your local library or bookstore and get DR and start reading.

I strongly recommend that you start your own thread so that you can talk all you want about your own situation and have people post to you directly. And you can add those stats to your signature file and they will appear automatically with all of your posts. Hope that helps!

Peace,
Dawn

P.S. Hi, Ella, not trying to ignore you!