My husband moved out after 20 years of marriage in to a realationship with W from work. This happened in January. He is totally different person. I have cried, begged and everything like that until I (my sister) found this webside. We have four wonderful children from age 6 to 21. Now he is traveling with this W and our two yonger children. I think it is way to early. He is forcing everyone to meet this W. My oldest children dont want to. I am going to safe my marriage. Please help me. Give me advice. I love him. (I am posting from the Nordic country.)
I'm sorry this has happened. Have you read DB or DR yet. If not, do so.
How old are you both and are you familiar with MLC??
Thank you so much for responding. I am waiting after the books so I look forward to read them. We are both 41. I have been reading about MLC on the internet but where I live people do not talk about that. He has all the simptoms. He was the most trustworthy men and he was the last person on earth to do this. Please send me something that can help. I am starting to be nice, and like I am feeling allright.
Here is a link to the MLC resources here.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436Read as much as you can and start posting to others that are in a similar situation. Don't be afraid to ask questions and post on other's threads.
A wise man once said. "we are all in this together....alone."
Please do not try to place your spouse in any of the stages of mlc when you read them. It doesn't work that way.
Thank you so much for responding. I am waiting after the books so I look forward to read them. We are both 41. I have been reading about MLC on the internet but where I live people do not talk about that. He has all the simptoms. He was the most trustworthy men and he was the last person on earth to do this. Please send me something that can help. I am starting to be nice, and like I am feeling allright.
Hello Disa
How long have you been married? Why are you in another country? Are you military by any chance? How old are your children? How did he and the OW meet? How long has this been going on? How did you find out about it? Basically, give us the story and let us know more about you and him.....that will give us some insight and we can start fighting together.
For now, do not talk to him about your relationship. Do not talk to him about OW, like she doesn't exist. Be beautiful and light when you are around him and make sure to end your conversations for now and meetings too.
And yes, there's always hope. Always.
Thank you so much for responding. I am waiting after the books so I look forward to read them. We are both 41. I have been reading about MLC on the internet but where I live people do not talk about that. He has all the simptoms. He was the most trustworthy men and he was the last person on earth to do this. Please send me something that can help. I am starting to be nice, and like I am feeling allright.
Thank you so much for responding. I am waiting after the books so I look forward to read them. We are both 41. I have been reading about MLC on the internet but where I live people do not talk about that. He has all the simptoms. He was the most trustworthy men and he was the last person on earth to do this. Please send me something that can help. I am starting to be nice, and like I am feeling allright.
Hello "almostdonebut"
Thank you, its good to hear from others. I am from Iceland and my sister lives in USA and found this for me. There is not much help here, people just act like you just have to start a new live. Last summer was like he changed over night. Stared to say I am not happy, I need something some out of life, ILBNILWY,we have nothing in common, we have grown apart, etc. this went on for 6 months and I tried everything to help him feel better. And after christmas came the bomb OW.
We have been married for 20 years now in July, we have D21, D19, S11 and D6. We have had strong and very good marriage and been much in love, he gave me the most beautiful diamond ring and necklace just 1 1/2 year ago and told me how much he loved me. We have had our difficulties in live like moving tvice to another countrie starting company in another country and lost everything, lost unborn child 7 years ago, he also lost his mother shortly after that. And now when we were doing so well in our live, found our dreamhouse, having enough money, then this happened. OW worked with him, and he says she understands him.
He just complained about everything what I had done or not done.
I am devestated.
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Oh Sweetie, I am so sorry. Listen, DO NOT PANIC.
We have all heard the same words you have and I know how deeply they hurt.
These are some of the things you need to do:
Stop all begging, pleading, promises to change, saying I love you. That just pushes him further away.
Do not have any relationship talks with him. Do not talk about the other woman (OW) at all.
Do not snoop.
Take care of you and your kids. Eat, rest, exercise.
Read as much about MLC as you can.
He might be spending great amounts of money. Protect yourself.
Dbing is about taking care of you, making the changes you need to make for YOU. Sometimes, it saves marriages, too.
We will discuss what else you can do in the coming days, ok?
We will be here for you. You will be ok.
Hi again, just for our ago, H drove a car not his in front of our house and wanted the boy in the house in front of me to clean the car and then H run into his car that was parkered almost in our garden and the OW was waiting in his car and then they drove away. Hello! Am I stupid or is this normal to do? Its like H would put a sign in the window in this car where is says "I was travelling with my new girlfriend and our tvo children, look what we have a nice car. Its parkered just in front of my kitchen window so I will not miss it. I feel like he is a little boy showing off is new toy.
Thank you all it is a big help to hear from others.
Ok well, that was just weird.
You should be funny gal and go out there and clean it.
Ok, he just came and delivered the kids back and we were talking, I am just being nice to H and H is very polite to me and is ready to help out. Its been 6 months since H has been gone, and just for about 3 or 4 weeks I started to be very nice, like nothing is bothering me.
I am so afraid that he is so happy and will be for the rest of his life. It is so strange to se H come home and we are talking and planning a party for our oldest daughter on saturday. And then H just leave. How can you just go, I mean this is your home, were your family is, saying goodby to your children. How can they just move out like that and in another realationship like nothing is more normal.
I just pray that this will be over with this OW ASAP. I just cant beleave that this is the right thing to do, we have 4 children at home, how can H just go?????????? I feel this is soooo wrong. Its also hurt alot to se that H has taking off his wedding band, he never did in 20 years. I am still wearing mine.
I feel deep in my heart that he will return, and there is something that keeps telling to keep doing what I am doing. If there is 6 months since H left where could he be in his process?
I went to psychologist to day, I feel that dos not help me. I hear that if you are coming from a long realationship that the are not so likely this will work out, the OW came also from a long realationship. This will NOT work out.
Please tell me something if you have. I have been reading alot on these sides.
Thanks
Disa,
Realistically, after 6 months....HE could be anywhere he needs to be.
There is no timeline for this, and it has to run it's course.
The only thing you can do is work on you. And get out there and experience what life has to offer for now.
Concentrate on you, and your children, and take the focus off of him.
You will drive yourself insane if you don't. This is his path to walk, but use this time too. so that you can be the person that YOU want to be in life.
There are NO guarantees that he will come back.
There are also no guarantees that he won't.
Just find out who you are for now and let him spin in circles.
Find your inner peace to give yourself one more day, Then repeat that.
Yes, you are in pain. No, H should not be doing this, but please click on the link Trapt sent & read through the thread entitled rummaging through the archives. WHAT YOUR H IS DOING IS NOT ABOUT YOU. He is not trying to hurt you. You must detach from the situation & quit taking what he does personally. I know this is hard. OW is a fantasy right now. H is in pain & he doesn't know why. He is running around trying to create a new fantasy life to escape his old one. He is trying ANYTHING to be happy. The reality is something is wrong INSIDE of him. He has to fix it.
Please tell us...is there anything unusual about H's childhood/background?
Thanks alot. About his childhood there are two things he still talks about and have done for not so long ago and I feel that is something that had bothered him. First there is his mother was very busy lady running her own hairsaloon and didnt have so much time for him, he is the yongest child of four, and his sisters and the young ladies who were working in his mothers saloon took sometimes care of him, he sometimes talk about that, and what he told me always that he wanted a wife just like me who was warm and took good care of the family, the opposide from his mother. And also when he was a boy he was send every summer to spend it at farm, and his mother never called him, and the farmer was very agressive and yelled often at him. He hates when people scream at him, and in our marriage we never did that. These two things he talked the most about.
I miss him so much and I just cant understand how he can changes so much in so short time. Just over a year ago he was so much in love, well he said that and sure actit like one.
I am so confused.
He he, I would have gone outside and discreetly dropped a piece of shrimp under the seat...
Disa,
Did you get a chance to read the thread I directed you to? It gives lots of information on some "root" causes of MLC. Things that happen in childhood. Many of the people that enter MLC were forced to grow up too fast or skip major transitionary periods in their lives. They are also "emotional stuffers" - people who grew up not having their feelings validated so they created a "mask" of the persona that helped them "get by" in life. My H was always known as a laid back, optimistic guy. Little did I know there was something lurking deep within him. We had an extraordinary marriage & were best friends. Anyone who knows what I am going through is absolutely dumbfounded.
Eventually though his inner "child" that has been hidden for so long has decided to come out and assert itself & it is NOT pretty. They will begin to think of their spouse as the person that made them suppress who they were for all this time. They will see you as controlling & fight you every step of the way for the lot they were given in life. This may be the case for your H based on what he has told you about his childhood. Another topic to look up is narcissistic family of origin - they can be either "overt" (living w/alcoholics, drug addicts, etc.) or the less detectable "coverts" (parents that put their emotional needs above their child's).
The more you understand this, the easier it is to step back & see the situation for what it is. Once again, this is NOT about you - all H knows is he is not happy & cannot understand why so they will run around doing everything they can to fill the void. Finally they will see that noTHING will fill it. They must hit rock bottom & hopefully begin to look within themselves for the answers.
Hello all-your posts hit the nail on the head with what I am going thru. We were best of friends and he told me he loved me and "wanted to hold me forever"-this was right after he started seeing the OW. They were not intimate but I don't think that matters. She broke up with him-to work on her own marriage (poetic justice) and he was hurt by rejection. That was when he said to not make any rash decisions. That was 2 months ago. I told him to leave the house in April when I found out about the OW. Was that the right thing to do? I have no idea. What does it mean that he tells me he stills loves me? And that if the shoe was on the other foot that he probably couldn't forgive me? He never has taken all of his stuff out of the house and has to come by every couple of days to work-self employed. He has asked me to dinner a few times and we sat here an laughed for two hours Sunday lloking at the net. CONFUSED? That is an understatement. He is unhappy with what he has accomplished in life, is trying to start a new business since the old one not doing so hot, bought a new car, and plays golf and joined a baseball team. I feel bad because he won't try to get help to make himself feel better. He just thinks he needs to be by himself. I wish I had words of wisdom but some days I feel like I am sinking in quicksand. I just want whoever reads this to know that there are others right along with them. To me, that brings some measure of comfort.
Me 34
H 35
Married 13yrs, 17 Tot
No kids
Sep 4/09
There is also one thing H said in his complaining time and that was"why dont you give more compliment" Well I do but that is not enough for him. The therapist was suprised to hear why he needid so much compliment. Where he worked where he met OW I think he was treatid lika a king, well I think he thought he was king and when he came home from work, I probally did not show him enough respect. I must have forgot to lay on my knees.
There is a big help reading the post from you all and I try to read everything I find.
Thanks
Disa
There is also one thing H said in his complaining time and that was"why dont you give more compliment"
Okay, so he gave you something, he is trying to tell you SOMETHING that he felt was wrong.
It's about validating..
I probally did not show him enough respect. I must have forgot to lay on my knees.
No....It's not about that. It's about making him feel worthwhile. That his efforts out of the home mean something to you.
Men need that in their lives. It makes all the everyday crap worth it.
I agree with Mach1. One of my H's big complaints that I'm just now getting out of him is pretty much the same thing. He needed to feel respect from me. And for him that would come in the way of affection.
Here's something I think you may have a hard time with because I did: Yes, my husband screwed up when he started the EA. HOWEVER I screwed up too. I had done things that got us to a point where he wanted and sought affection and attention and respect somewhere else.
Basically, it was my DB coach who broke it down for me and it sounds like it will apply to you.....my H was crap at home and he was the king at work.
Soooooo.....guess where H would have rather been....not at home with me, where he was feeling crappy, he wanted to be at work, where he was treated like royalty.
Guess who he wanted to talk to? OW because she made him feel good and needed and not me because I made him feel like crap.
You need to find out what it is she does for him and you need to slowly start doing it too. BUT only if it's something you are willing to do for the rest of your life.
Meaning, if your husband really needed you to bow on your knees when he came home and you really can't do that for the rest of your life, then don't. But if your husband needs you to kiss him hello and sincerely ask how his day was, you could that, right?
Remember, you might not like what he's saying....doesn't mean it's not valid. Also remember you may have screwed up here too and if that's the case, figure it out and correct it.
You can do this.
AlmostDoneBut & Mach - question...
If MLC is about resolving something in childhood or a skipped life transitional period, could this not just be an excuse? Or the way they "set you up to be" during the withdrawal stage? Could you not have been the perfect wife, but at some point, the ugly "crisis" child would have reared up it's head to assert itself no matter how strong the M?
Hi again and thanks for your posts. Its helpful. I have been so tired last days. Well on saturday I had a graduate party for our D21 here at home and invited our both families and few friends. I ofcourse invited my H and was very polite to him. We had a great day. I think he didnt feel well here because this was strange, he was guest in his own home. When my mother saw him she havent since Januray, she just put her arms around him and cried, and he was not letting her go they just stood there together for awhile hugging. He only felt love from my family. He was the first to leave the party, he didnt look good, its like he is not in his body, I was looking at some pictures I took. I thanked him for the day and kissed him goodby and hold his arm. I felt good I did a great job holding this party for our families and our D was happy. But I miss him terribly. Guess what happened to him on Sunday? Someone broke in to the house where he live and stole both his computers, and a flatscreen tv. Thats a big loss for him because he have everything in these computers. Bad things have happened to him lately, also someone broke into his car two months ago and stole from it. My D19 said to me "mom karma" bad things happen when you act like he does. I feel it is good to read and write when you are in this situation. I am sorry my english is not perfect and sometimes this computers stuff is complicated for me but thanks all of you who writes to me.
Disa