Can it get any worse? - DivorceBusting.com

I am devastated to say the least. H was over yesterday and I checked the mail and there was a letter from the state. It was a letter for child support. I was dumbfounded. Of course, h claims his innocence.

Of course I ask him all the questions. He claims he has been with nobody and he knows only as much as I do. Now the papers don't say a name or anything. I couldn't even talk to my h. He left soon after at my request. I just said I need some time and I think it's best you leave.

He said he would call the state today to see what the papers are all about. I said to h these are pretty serious allegations that people don't just make up.

I am so lost right now. Meaning, I have no idea what these papers are about and where is my future with h now. Could it really be possible he has had a child with another woman. Please tell me that is not true.

If it is true, my h is such a dumb F for finding himself in this situation. How can he have respect for himself, this woman and myself.

I really don't know who this man is anymore. How could he do this to himself, this woman, and to his family? He was once so well respected.

I have no experience in this area and find it very awkward to be in this situation. I should be crying and angry, but I am numb. So hurt and disappointed that my h should find himself in this situation.

I really don't know what to do at this point. Did I really marry that dumb of a guy? From what I married and who he is today are worlds a part. I can't wrap my head around his stupid idiotic behavior. It baffles me.

Maybe this explains why he can't come home or the whole secrecy thing. Maybe this explains a lot of who he has been the past 3 years.

I don't know where to start or where to go. I want this nightmare to end.

Please pray for me. I need all the strength I can get right now.

Hi Glam, I am so sorry this has happened on top of everything else you have endured for the last 3 years.
I know nothing about the legal side of things but it makes no sense to have those kind of paers sent to you.
Was the letter addressed to him or you?
Why did it not go to where he lives?
I hope you get some answers, can you not ring them yourself at least you would get the truth and not your H's version of it.
Even if it is not what you want to hear I always feel better knowing the truth.
Could it all be a mistake?

Take care. It would explain his MIA behaviour and all the secrecy and then you can take stock.
Surely he now sees the need to be honest. Depression aside if it is true he obviously wasn't that depressed at some time or other.
Hugs ((())) you must be devastated.

I can't really describe how I am feeling inside. I feel so empty, so alone, so broken, so devastated, so embarrassed, so ashamed of my h, so dumbfounded that my h has found himself in this place.

My was a respectful business man, so full of ideas, such a great friend, husband, neighbor, trusted individual, devoted h and family man. I really idolized him. Now I look at him in disbelief. I am really floored that he finds himself in this situation.

Does he not have a judge of character of people he chooses to bring into his life? Does he not have a morale compass? What did he gain by all of this? What did he lose in return?

I have so many unanswered questions. The one thing that God keeps bringing back to the surface is without God in your life what is your purpose and how do you keep your life whole?

Thanks Naej I am so devastated. H has all his mail sent to our home. Not sure if he receives any mail where he lives. The letter was addressed to h and we were walking back from the mailbox and h says go ahead and open it. I did and that was what was in the envelope.

H acted surprised, but not really sure what is going on in his mind.

I am so proud of how I acted though. I questioned h, but no yelling screaming how could you stuff. I just asked what he knew and what he was going to do about it.

I hardly slept at all last night. Just thinking about how a mere 10 years ago we were jet setting off to Hawaii for our honeymoon and now our lives have been reduced to rubble.

These are hard lessons in life. I can only hope and pray that my h find the need to finally open up and be honest. I also hope he has regrets of how he lived his life and the decisions he made over the past 3 years.

It's because of his poor judgments over the years that he finds himself here. At what point is he going to change that? How much more pathetic can he make his life? He had it all and how could he be proud of what a mess he made of his life? I don't understand how someone can get so far off base in their thinking?

It doesn't make sense to me. None of this makes sense.

Dear glam, I pray that God gives you the strength and patience for all this, and ability to think this through. So sorry that you are going through yet another situation with your H. Hugs, PH

I am so sorry, Glam. If there is a child, a lot depends on his/her age (timeline). Also whether your H behaves responsibly or not. I hope you get some answers soon. He will have to come clean with the state coming after him.

Well I did call over to the state and yep my suspicions were correct. The order is from ow that I suspected from 3 years ago. Not sure what has transpired with her and h over the past 3 years, but it looks like she is going after h for child support.

Now, not sure what the past 3 years look like for h and her and if h went through a pg with her or what. I am simply devastated.

She is a tramp, I knew that from day one. 4 kids by 4 different fathers, I guess h is now the 5th. On welfare, drug addict, smoker, not educated, warrants for her arrest. I really don't know why or how my h got in touch with this woman, but now look at the mess h's life is in.

Do you think he knew about this child and that is what he has been hiding from all along? I am so ashamed of my h. I am so so ashamed that he is putting me and the kids through this. What a F farce. He couldn't leave well enough alone when he had a good thing.

Does he really have no regrets? Does this mean he is tied to this person now that they have a child?

Why can't my h talk to me? How can he continue to hide the truth now?

Well I guess God is revealing this to me. Why me? Why me? Why me? I keep asking that.

How am I going to make it through? How can I even look at my h without disgust?

Why couldn't my h be honest? Why couldn't he have talked to me? Why did I have to find out this way?

Life is so not fair. What does this all mean? Help! Any thoughts?

I haven't eaten since I found out. I feel so sick and brutally betrayed. How could my h do this?

I can't even imagine how you must feel - I will pray for you.

Sobbing uncontrollably. Can anyone help me?

(((glam)))
I am so sorry. I know this has to be devastating especially with how much you have put up with. I am sure more will be revealed in time...try to breathe, try to relax if you can. Hopefully you will be able to get the truth finally. Maybe it will force your H to take down the walls he has had up and then you can figure out where to go from there.

I found out my first H had a baby with an OW. I was in shock. I was 9 months pregnant at the time. You will make it through this no matter what this reveals.

I am praying for you.

Upside thank you so much. Nobody can imagine what I am going through. I stood by this man for the past 3 years believing all that he was saying and it's like I just got run over by a truck.

All the lies, all the secrecy, now we know why. How can my h like the person he has become. I feel so stupid for standing by him. My h must think I am such a stupid woman.

I feel like such a failure. Here I have been trying to DB bring my h home and he is off in la la land having babies. Wow, how could he do this?

I have been such a fool! Walked all over by my h. I guess he really never truly cared how I felt. How did he feel about ow? What was he doing cheating on us both? What kind of a man does that? Why did it have to be my h? Why?

You are not a failure or a fool. You are anything but. You tried to hold your family together. You acted with dignity and morality. You did the right thing for your children. I understand that you are feeling like you were used and taken advantage of but you can hold your head high and know you did the right thing. Your H on the other hand can not.

My first H cheated on both me and the OW. When I found out about the OW, I did everything I could to prove that my then H was not cheating on me and as I did that, the truth finally came out. I know how much this has to hurt you but try to find some relief in finally knowing more of the truth.

((((((GG))))))
We are here for you.....i believe you may even have my ph # still

1 take a deep breath

2 trot yourself to a L ASAP and find out how this impacts you especially since you the only working one in the M.

3 after the L, get a C..you cant and shouldnt go thru this alone, you have real big decisions to make now and you need a clear head.

4 Brethe again and remember we are here for you, find your family as well

I am so sorry....just know this isnt about you ...even though you and your family are greatly impacted ....this is about your H.....I guess you could look at the bright side...he must not be planning to marry her...if she is going for child support....some H try and keep so much secret...

Glam,

I'm very sorry to see you hurt this way, as I realize this is devastating. Please understand you are not alone, we are all here for you, and we feel your pain. Yes, you've been lied to, yes, you've been betrayed, yes, this a very rude awakening, and more the reason that you now know you need to protection yourself and start taking care of you and your family.

On one hand, this ow may be lying herself. If she is all that you say, this child may not be your H's. He will have to make the effort to prove this himself, and then protect himself. This is his doing not yours. This has no bearing on the person you are, the marriage you once had, or the life you lead... it's all about him, and we all know this.

On the other hand, if this is his child, you need to do everything in your being to protect yourself and your family. Starting with you, physically. Have yourself checked out for anything that could have been given to you. Most of us have been through this,and although it isn't pleasant, it is necessary. Then, you need to contact an attorney in order to protect your rights and your financial well being.

Next, honey, you have to drop the rope, let him go and allow him to deal with all that he has done. He's not being honest with you... and you deserve honesty! You are much more than this, you are worth more than this man can give you at this time. Right now, the marriage before you isn't worth standing for... so let it go, stop allowing this situation from dragging you down to levels that are destroying you. Right now, he is dragging you down, and he isn't interested in saving you, he will not give back to you, all that you deserve. You can't save him, you can't help him, he needs to learn to be strong enough to help himself, and you can't do this for him.

You can continue to stand for marriage, but a marriage you deserve, and this isn't it right now. Show the love you have by honoring yourself, taking care of yourself, and live as an example of strength, honesty, and all that you believe in, and until the day he can stand up straight in your shadow, pay him little mind, for you deserve a man who can be whole, honest, and responsible with and for himself.

Drop the rope, close the door, and love yourself.

glam, Please go eat something. It'll help you gain strength to deal with this. A thought cam to me -what if the baby isn't your H's and the woman is just trying to get money from him?

You are not a fool, honey. That would be your H.

Thanks so much for all the support. I was walking around costco trying to figure out how all of this happened. We could have finished this 3 years ago. Why didn't my h come forward years ago? Any thoughts?

I was able to eat a little but this whole situation sickens my stomach. Everything makes sense now. Why my h couldn't spend the night, why he never had any money. My guess is that before his job ended in April he was giving her some form of support. Then his job ended and the money ended. She files for food stamps and lists my h as the father.

I believe that this has been going on for a long time. My h used to say Glam you have no idea what I am going through, well I do now. He also used to say Glam it will be up to you if I come home. Yep he has that right.

Ow wanted my life. Well how is that working out for her now. Doesn't seem so great now if she is asking for child support. Did she get all that she wanted? Is my h standing by her now? Is her life just peaches now? I don't blame her or am angry with her, my h is to blame. He had a choice to not allow this person in our life. He made poor choices, but they were his choices.

What I have say about ow here is a fact. I know that to be true. How in the world my h hooked up with her I have no idea. It's like she was from the other side of the tracks. My h was a well respected business man, smart, wordly, but not that smart if he associated himself with ow. How do you explain it? How could he not care?

When I met her 3 years ago, she was a piece of work. I let my h know then something about her was off and I didn't want to be around her. Of course, my h defended her. Of course he was f'ing her on the side. Why wouldn't he defend her. She had her digs into my h back then.

The part I am baffled at is why couldn't my h come forward? Any thoughts? How appropriate that I find out through a piece of mail. Did my h really want me to find out that way? What a coward.

I guess he was just going to keep this a secret for as long as he could. Why should he disclose? It just goes to show the integrity of his character. Did he care nothing for me and the kids? I feel like I was put out with yesterdays trash.

I loved this man more than anything or anyone. I find it so hard to believe this is who he is.

Glam, you may never get answers to all these questions.
He has proved himself time and time again to be a weak and spineless man.
It would not suprize me that he wanted you to find out, leading a double life has obviously been a great strain on him and more so since he now has no job.
Do not blame yourself for any of this.
You are probably right about him keeping her and now he can't so that is why it has all come to light.
At least now you have some answers to a few questions , like why he never stayed the night, never had any money etc.
You must get as much help and advice as you can, protect yourself and children at all costs.
I believe Trusting had a similar thing happen to her with the discovery of a "love child" who was 8 years old!
We are all here for you, try to take care of yourself,you need to keep healthy to see this through.
I think he has a very manipulative streak and fooled so many people,so don't be hard on yourself. When we love someone so much we only see what we want to see.
Get yourself checked out asap like Laughing said.
Keep posting so we know you are ok.

i am sooooo soooo sorry u are going through this.

i think he didnt come forward, because in a sense it would have made it real to him. does that make sense?

by not saying, it wasnt real.

u, me and all the other lbs are reality. if he told u what he was hiding, it would become, reality.

and he didnt want reality.

i know how it feels to not understand who they are now. i know. i feel the exact same way.

how could this happen? how can they do this?

we will never have the answers, they dont know themselves.

look, maybe in some ways he didnt tell u, because he didnt want to hurt u.

i know how hard it is to eat, try to eat what u can to keep up your strength.

drink orange juice, when i have trouble eating i make sure i drink orange juice rather than water for the calories, vitamins and sugar.

keep posting, i check often and will make sure i respond so u have someone to talk to.

Md Thanks so much for posting. I do believe there is something about the hurt, but I was already hurt by him leaving what difference would it make by telling the truth.

Also why would someone want to carry that burden? What would he have to gain, but maybe it is more about what he would have to lose?

Did this guy not give a $hit about anything? It appears to be that way.

I wanted to deal with this 3 years ago and now it's 3 years too late. How could he just open all these wounds all over again.

Why couldn't he just spit it out of his mouth back then. I have never been around anyone so manipulative in my life. It's as if he lived his life today as if he had no skeletons in the closet.

What a coward. This was a man of integrity business wise that could make a mean business deal. I guess though his true character was one of passiveness and lacked integrity and spineless. Thanks Naej.

As much as I want those answers. I doubt that my h will be forthcoming with those. He could care less what I want or ask.

This is where the rubber meets the road. I am seriously thinking of packing it up and moving in with my sis. I don't want to be in the same state with this ow knowing what I know now.

My h used to talk about pres clinton and his lack of morality, who's calling the kettle black now. How is my h any better?

Never once did my h say he was sorry. I guess he didn't think he needed to say sorry for anything.

Glam, I am so sorry. You had some positive activity there. This would be devastating. Many hugs.... Please take special care of yourself here.

Your assumptions are running on overdrive. Yes, you ave every reason to be very suspicious....but

Maybe it is not his child. If it is, then you have to consider what to do, but it is possible that it is not.

I would also let him deal with the fallout himself. Agree on that.

{{{GG}}

Hi glamgirl,

I am so sorry about what happened.

Quote:

He had it all and how could he be proud of what a mess he made of his life? I don't understand how someone can get so far off base in their thinking? - It doesn't make sense to me. None of this makes sense.

I can relate so well to this!

You also said that you loved your H more than anything or anybody else. I can also relate to this.

Yes, they are cowerds, that's for sure!

I am sorry you have to deal with this on top of all the other problems. I wish you strength and will keep you in my thoughts. (((HUGS)))

Glam,
Run, do not walk to the nearest lawyer for advice. The child needs to have his/her DNA tested. I am so in agreement with Laughing that it isn't funny.

How could your h do this stuff...easy...mlc and depression. These people do some really stupid stuff when they are out to lunch. They are children and good common, rational sense is tossed out the door. As for moving forward, he's paralyzed w/fear and can't move forward or backward because he knows that he's screwed up big time.

Love him from afar, but it's time to truly drop the rope entirely, gently close the door and go on w/your life. There's nothing you can do to help him. He's truly made a mess and now he's got to clean it up. Treese is in a very similiar situation. I feel for both of you ladies.

G, my friend, I am so very sorry. Right now you need to take care of yourself. You need to eat, rest and be still.

Honey, it doesnt really matter right now why. Why he did this, what the ow is like. What matters is you and your children.

You need to go see a lawyer as soon as possible. YOu have to protect yourself. You need to go to a doctor. This is a huge thing to find out and you may need help getting through it.

Your h couldnt come to you because he is trying to block everything out. If he told you, it is more real.

G, you need to let him go now, really and truly. Dont make any hasty decisions. Take some time to think things through.

This is not your responsibility, it is his. Let it be.

Dont look for answers right now. And most importantly, do not blame yourself. You have done nothing wrong. And you are not stupid for fighting for your marriage and trusting the man you thought your h was. If you are, then we all are.

Please take care of yourself. I am on FB, if you need to talk.

You and your children are in my prayers. Be good to yourself, G

I am just so sad and devastated. I tried to manage through the day the best I could. I have a splitting headache. I finally ate a little fruit.

Yeah what difference does it matter what the answers are. I am not going to get them from my h anyway. He's a coward. I am so paralyzed today. I am so ashamed of my life and my h. He walks around like he did nothing.

I want this all to go away. I don't want this to be true. How do I find myself here? What would h's family think of him? How can he like himself and who he became? What person in their right mind wants to be like him. Then he introduces everyone to me and acts like he's a saint, but he doesn't even have the balls to be a man and step up and do the right thing.

Yeah makes sense if he acknowledges what he did, now it's real, but he has to face reality someday. Looks like with the courts that day has come.

How does this guy even feel about me? What are his plans for the future? I just want this all to go away.

Screaming out to the Lord why is this my life? Why? Why couldn't I have just met some nice guy that loved me to the fullest and enjoyed our married life together. Why is that too much to ask? Why did I get the short end of the stick twice?

Hi Glam, hope you managed to get some sleep. I did post yesterday but I think it went aol.
Everyone has given you good advice. Try to just do what has to be done,the practicalities and day to day needs and leave all the rest for another day. Just take care of you and your children.

Thinking of you.

Glam,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I feel so bad for you. Please look after yourself and remember we are all here for you. Everyone has offered exellent advice; please take it.

You have tried so hard for so long, and now this. Give yourself some space to get past the shock before you do something irreversible. See your C, see a L, see your minister, see your doctor. Do what must be done to protect yourself and your children. If you need to ask him politely to leave you alone for awhile, there is nothing wrong with that. You know not to tell all and sundry about what he has done...the truth will come out sooner or later--it always does, you know that--and it is best if it doesn't come from you broadcasting it from your pain.

These WAS's (of whatever stripe, MLC or not) are living in this fantasy world, believing the rules are different for them, and whatever they are doing isn't so bad, the "usual" standards don't apply to them, and they can get away with anything and won't be found out...ALL WRONG! The piper never works for free, and will present his bill sooner or later...and he has spine-crackers to back him up on collecting it. It sounds to me like your H is nowhere near understanding this yet.

Breathe. Cry as needed. Breathe. Remember all that you have survived so far; I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you have developed the resilience to survive this too.

It is not your fault, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. The shame is his, and he will realize it eventually. Do not take on burdens that are not yours to carry. This is his, not yours. I remember, in one of my DB coach sessions, telling her how much I feared H telling me that OW was pregnant, and asking her what I should say if that happened. She told me to just say, as calmly as possible, "What do you plan to do about that?" Remember, this is NOT YOUR FAULT. Do not take his monkey and put it on your back. Just get into a place where you can decide what you need to do to protect yourself and your children from the fallout.

We know how horrible this is for you. Some here have been through the same thing and know it in excruciating detail. Look after yourself. Lick your wounds and do what you need to do to heal. We care about you and want only the best for you.

Remember that you are loved, regardless of what he does. You are loved.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn

Thanks so much Dawn for posting. I am still sitting here in tears. I just want to kick my h and slap him across the face. It would do no good. He wouldn't wake up anyway.

I guess it all explains much of his depression and some of what he has been going through. That is why it's important to just tell the truth and be honest. Something my h will never get.

I guess for him it was like oh let's just shove this under the rug and keep this a deep dark secret. Nobody will know. It's ok to hide this information. Never once thinking I need to tell Glam out of respect to her. It's the least I can owe her. Nope not my h, just act as if it never happened.

It really started back when my h made the decision to allow ow into his life. I find my h so pathetic. The problem I guess was my h never appreciated me. Always walking around like he was a saint. Talking about othe men's shortcomings, but failing to point out himself. I find this kind of odd, but I guess when you are disgusted with himself why not put others down and make yourself feel better. When he would have these convos with me what I wanted to say was, how are you so much better, they are in a loving committed R, living at home, good paying job, providing for their family what are you doing h? Instead I left it alone.

If my h could get grounded with God. It would make a huge differnce in his life. If he only could take that first step and not be afraid of what God has to offer. It's too bad he just can't or won't reach out. Said he doesn't need God in his life. Wow, h looks like you really could use some God time in your life.

Thanks Dawn about the not telling all. No problem there. For whatever reason I am really embarrassed and ashamed that I find myself in this situation with my h. It's not something I would want to share.

I have made a decision to leave the state. I have contacted h's family to ask if they would help move me and the kids. I had to choke back the tears. Never once did I share what was going on. His family would be so devastated. My h used to be the hero amongst his family. This whole thing has taken a toll on his parents health. Not sure how they would react, but I know would't sit well with them. My h wasn't raised this way and I see the pain on his mother's face when she talks about h. This would shake her up and I wouldn't want to burden his family with yet more bad news regarding h.

I wonder if my h is embarrassed and ashamed as well. He was so respected amongst his family and was idolized. It seems like my h needed to break out of a mold. That mold was I don't want to act and do as expected but I want to have freedom to pick and choose and do whatever I want. He often said it's my turn and I don't want to be the caretaker for nobody. How did that carefree attitude help him? It didn't. Now he is even more saddled with burdens that cast him in a negative light along the lines of disgust, shame, embarrassment. No wonder he has choose to hide.

I shake my head though, because h's life didn't need to go this way. He didn't need to surround himself with the likes of ow and those like her. It's as if he can't make the distinction of who he should hang with and those he shouldn't. Did he learn that lesson yet? It so sad how many lives he had to ruin before he got to that ultimate life lesson.

I know not my cross to bear, but this deeply affects me. Knowing that my h fathered a kid with ow just is more than I can comprehend. My h truly was so much better than this. He destroyed all those that really cared and loved him. I keep asking what did he gain by all of this? What?

Hey G, you ok? I know you want answers, believe me. But it doesnt really matter why at this point.

He is lost, confused and depressed. He is not living in reality. Well, he sure as hell just got a huge plate of reality now.

Just remember that this is not your fault, nor your burden. At all. You did your best, tried your hardest, but I believe everything happens for a reason. It is best to trust that God knows what it is. Leave it to Him.

I know that you are making some decisions. If you can, sit with them just a little bit. Then, if you really feel they are right, follow them through.

You are going to go through a lot of emotions - shock, denial, anger, and sadness. Allow yourself to go through each one. And then after you have, you will come to accept what has happened. And I dont mean accept this child, I mean accept that there was nothing you could do. These steps are all necessary. Dont rush them.

Sweetie, it all seems more than you can take. But you will be ok again. I know it. You have such strength - more than you realize and such grace.

Give it all to God, Peace for He will get you through.

I am on the alt if you ever want to talk. Same name as here.

Glam,
Are you okay? Is there anything we can do? B gave you some very good advice. Take things slowly so that whatever decisions you make, you will not regret them later on. If you think moving is the way to go, do it.

Your h has just had a huge dose of reality and knows that he's lost a lot of ground with you. I'm very, very sorry that he wasn't responsible enough to do things the right way and not get involved w/the ow.

If there is anything we can do, just ask. Please take care of yourself.

Uncontrollable sobbing again. Thanks BM. I am not ok with any of this. This whole situation breaks my heart more than I can bear. An affair would be one thing, but a child now too.

I don't know how to get past this news. I don't want this to be true. It is going to take me some time to process this all. I hurt almost to a crippling pain. I am so so sad.

I just want to kick and punch my h so he can feel the pain that he cast upon me. That won't happen, but that is how I feel.

I don't know how to get rid of the aggression and sadness. Yes I want answers, but with my h he will never talk. It's his style to be silent and hide.

I guess for starters BM it would be nice if my h could acknowldege the pain I am going through. He never once said he was sorry.

You are right I can't continue to wallow in all this stuff. What's done is done.

I need to dust myself off today and clean the house and take the kids out to the movies. H was suppose to come with today, I am sure he will not show now.

Afterall, this is not the ending of my life even though it feels like it is.

Thanks BM for the reminder. I don't want to sit around here being depressed and fall back to how I was 3 years ago.

This is what we call a setback, but only I can change my perspective of thinking.

i think what u are feeling is normal, and like my therapist would say, u do have to go through the feelings to come out on the other side.

i wish i had more to say, more to offer, i recommend checking out sugar and spice's thread under infidelity, i know she has dealt with what u are going through...

Take a pillow and scream, hit and yell into it. You will feel better. You have to let all that out. Once you release it from all inside..it will ease your rage.

I feel your pain. You feel betrayed and clueless to what is happening. But you were meant to find out NOW for a reason. Now not only H , but you have to figure out how you can deal with this.

I have followed your thread for a looong time. You are strong. You can bear this pain. And when he is ready, You will have your answers.

And honestly, I am just saying what I am thinking right now. I have no idea HOW I would handle it either.

But PLEASE..Scream into that pillow. Punch it!!!

I am the point of having a complete breakdown over this. It's as if my h gave everything to ow even a child.

He walks around hurting people over and over wihout any consequences for his bad behavior or a care in the world. It's like I can just hurt people and then hurt some more people. Does he not have a soul or any emotions what so ever? Does he not see the destruction?

I know that it seems like I can't get my arms around this and yes I can't. It seems like my world has ended and I want to hand my life off to another.

Imagine utter destruction and when it's all over you are left standing alone wondering what happened and why. That is what keeps playing over in my mind. I can even visualize myself bent over the ground trying to pick up the pieces, but there is nothing left to pick up.

Sobbing!

It might be better too if h would acknowledge his wrong doing. Instead he denies. It would be like this child looks just like him and he would stand there and say now that's not my child.

I am not sure how the denial thing works for people and how they cannot at least own up to their mistakes.

I am a very honest person and when I make a mistake I own it, confess it and look for a solution. I know that's my way, but when you acknowledge and say your sorry at least the healing can begin.

Thanks Snodderly for your kind words. Thanks all for listening and posting it means more to me than you will ever know. I can't talk to my family or friends about this or even my h. This is my only way right now of working through my thoughts and feelings.

I am snobbing and my D5 looks at me with those huge brown eyes and says it's ok mommy. She is such a blessing.

It will be my kids that will help me make it through this.

Why couldn't I have just had a wonderful husband that cared enough to not have an affair? Why couldn't he have been one that cared enough about his w and children to not go looking for trouble. I sit and ponder that over and over. Why did my h have to be a cheater?

Right now the moving is the only way out that I see right now. I don't want to be around my h nor do I want to be a part of mopping up this mess he created. I won't be able to get away from him living in this state. I need time to heal.

Does my h not have any feelings or thoughts? How do I talk to my h now? All I see now is pain and disgust when I look at him.

We have kids so I will see him tomorrow and all I want to do is confront him, but I know that will do no good. It will take all I have inside to not fly off the handle with him.

I have a splitting headache again.

glam-- I would put your self on lock down......

right now its best not to see your H, I would calmly tell him...you need tome to process this...and let him know...u know I think I need a little space right now......your are in the middle of a storm emotionally right now and you need time.....its amazing how different things may seem in time.....really ..now u know the truth..but the truth as always been there..u just need time.....many people still reconcile after a child.....ask God to give you the Grace to get throught this...God's Grace is sufficient.....its all you need....Pray about this....We all ask why couldnt we have a husband who wasnt a cheater.......why why why.....but that will keep u stuck....there is no answer....it is what it is....now what will we do with this....dont take any action yet.......dont call your h if he doesnt show tomorrow and if he does ask him if you guys can have a little break you have alot to process...like time out.....take care

Hi Glam, come on sweetie, you have put up with so so much and now this and yes plenty here would like to know why we couldn't have had a partner who would have been content with what they had and not go looking for the greener (or so they thought) grass.
You have no need to run away, go only if it is for the right reasons for you.

This is not DB but why would you care now.Why can you not confront him, show your anger and hurt, why still walk on eggshells for him after all he has done. I don't understand that at all.

He probably wont give you any answers but I am sure you will feel better, keeping it all inside is no good, sobbing in front of your daughter is no good either. He caused this mess let him see your pain.
If you don't want to see him tell him so, heck he,s never been reliable with you.
This is your time to take control of your life what you will and will not put up with any more. Don't follow your H with his rug sweeping tactics.
You need to get this out in the open, he has fathered a poor innocent child, this is who I feel sad for, certainly not your H.
Don't be ashamed Glam, we all make mistakes and you just picked the wrong man. Don't keep thinking of who he was, look at who he is now and who he has been for many years now.
Yes it is hard, but you have suvived so much up til now, find the strength,use your anger in a constuctive way. You have to let it out.

What does son say, I guess he knows,although I think this is son from previous marriage, try to stop wishing if only's, your h may never be that man again.
Take time for you Glam, take charge for you and your children.
I am so sorry it has come to this, but all things happen for a reason so they say. Without this news you could still be hanging on 3 years from now allowing his comings and goings and never getting any answers.
Thinking of you.

Naej thank you. It's not about confronting him, but it's that i have great rage inside that all I want to do is climb on top of him and keep punching him until it all comes out. All while sobbing of course. Not a scene I want, but I can't help how I am feeling. Don't want to repeat my past from previos marriage. Not good!

Also I don't want to unleash my anger in front of the kids. Not a good thing. So it's not really about confronting him, it's more about self control. I need to confront him with grace, but that is not possible right now. I am not in a calm rational state at the moment. The sight of him will make me want to puke.

I went to the gym with D5 today and unleashed some of that pent up stress, by exercising. That helped.

I did eat a little this morning, but can't keep much food down. I just feel so sick after I eat. I am sure it is nerves. The good news the fat is dropping on this mlc diet, but not the way I want to get it off.

Well I am a wreck. H said he was coming over today on Thurs, not sure if that will happen. I tried to reach him but no answer and apparently now he has no v-mail.

Naej I did not disclose to s20. He doesn't need to see what a wreck I am. I am trying to be strong, but it's hard. Thanks Grace for posting.

You are all right. i need to let go of the why's. They will do no good, but I guess for me if I knew why then maybe I could understand this. Just maybe it all would make sense.

Glamgirl,

Tearing yourself apart, is no way of moving forward. Asking yourself "why me" is not a way of gaining strength. I know this is devastating, however, you do have control over how destructive it will become to you.

Begin to focus on the good things in your life..... Look to the joy in your life, like your Children. They need you to be all that you can be. Seeing you like this will cause them worry, and they don't deserve any more of this than you do.

Let's see if we can find some positives in this situation... Okay, so we have to dig deep sometimes, but there is always a way of turning things around to gain a more positive perspective.

Okay, so now you have the truth, and Lord knows that is something we are always wanting, cause not knowing can drive a person nuts.

She's filing for support, does this mean the relationship is over? Not that it really matters to you now, he may have been speaking some truths to you.

You have beautiful, healthy, vibrant children... and they are with you, what a blessing!

You have everything within you that you need to not only survive this ordeal, AND you will, bringing the Children along with you.

You can do this Glam, stop looking at the past and it's negatives, and start looking for your future and all of it's promises.

BT thank you so much. I am trying not to tear myself apart, but reality is staring me in the face.

I did though praise God for revealing the truth to me. As hard as it was to see the truth it finally came out. Not the way I wanted it to, but it came out. I think my h needs to do some talking, but not waiting for him to talk.

Yes the R may be over now, I guess that is a positive. Hard to look at the positives when all I see is destruction.

I will try though. I am panicked today and nervous about the next time I have to see my h. I will need to be silent around him for now. It will be the only way for me to survive.

Thanks for posting.

GG
I read read over parts of your thread
im sorry for the lastest development and the pain you are experiencing
you are handling everything well
and after some process time, I beleive you will know what to do
at first , every new and Bad development seems unacceptable, but in time we figure it out
we accept another disappointment
nothing is unforgivable or unfixable
hold on to your faith
you will know what to do later
peace

Glam,
I just caught up on your thread.
Honey, I am so so sorry you are going through this.
On Monday can you contact a Lawyer about getting a Legal Separation?
You have to protect yourself and your finances for the sake of your children.
I know you already know this, but for now try to think as this as a business arrangement and nothing more.
Left you a message on FB.

((((hugs))))

Sweetie, listen, this is huge, huge news. You are going to feel a million different emotions and thats ok. Do you hear me? Its ok. You are not made of stone.

So, cry, scream, punch a pillow, hug your children, go for a walk, pray. Do what you must. This is not going to be easy for a long time. Dont start saying to yourself that you have to be strong this minute. Take it hour by hour, if you must.

Do not worry about what you are going to do when you see your h. Do not worry at all about how to act. Do what is best for YOU. Who cares if he shows up when he says he will?

Stop worrying about him. Worry about G and about your kids. That's it. This is his problem, his responsibility, G, for goodness sakes, let HIM own it.

Now, breathe. Dont try to figure this all out right now. Stop wondering why he couldnt be honest. He couldnt because he is broken. Does it really matter anyway? It doesnt change the outcome.

G, you will get through this. You will. I know it. Try to get some rest when you can, eat when you can - even if its just crakers, keep yourself busy and pray. Thats all you can do for now. And thats ok. Be kind to yourself and remember that we care.

Glam,

Do what you have to in order to survive this mess, and as BeingMe said, don't worry about your H, or his feelings, or how the next time will be when he is in your presence. Your focus needs to be on you and your children now.

To put it bluntly, he wasn't too worried about how you feel, so don't worry about how he feels... do what is right for you.

Now is the time to look for those baby steps that you will eventually make in order to walk through the pain and into your brighter tomorrows. Take small steps, without ignoring your feelings or yourself for that matter. You, indeed have a great deal in front of you. However, you have to know you will survive, you will adjust, you will find peace again one day.

Don't rush into things, take your time. When you find yourself swirling within negative thoughts, stop yourself for a moment to count your blessings... for once you begin, you will see things don't look as bleak as they did before you began to look.

One moment at a time, one small step at a time.... you will break through this, and find happier times ahead.

Turning it over to God. That is all I can do.

Suprisingly h showed today. He was in a good mood. I was silent. He said what's going on. I said did you contact the state he said I tried, but nobody got back to him.

I said I was able to find out that it was ow. He said oh. I asked him a few questions. It seemed like he was telling the truth.

He said I have not seen ow in over a year. I know nothing about a pg. She hasn't contacted me about it nor have I seen her pg. I never lived with her nor do I have a child with her. He seemed pretty matter of fact and was suprised that she was listed him as the father.

He said Glam I will fight to clear my name. He said he wasn't going to contact her and said he has no idea about her contact info or where she lives and will let the state handle this.

So that is his story for now. Then he mentioned something about me cheating. Not sure what that was about, but whatever. I have never cheated on my h.

I would not be suprised if ow just named my h for the sake of naming a father. Doesn't mean anything until a paternity test is done. I need to not speculate either way. She is a piece of work so none of this suprises me.

I only wish h could see her true colors, but he only said people are people and he only sees the person not their faults. Ok, but she lacks character.

This is h's deal. I am bowing out of it and letting him handle it.

That is right one step at a time, one day at a time. He did mention something about our focus needs to be on the kids and not allowing our issues to affect them. He stayed for awhile to spend time with the kids and then said see you tomorrow.

I was mostly silent. Not feeling the greatest anyway. So here I am jumping to all the conclusions. Doesn't mean h didn't father her child, but it's not my deal nor do I have any control. I can only hope and pray for a positive outcome regardless of what happens.

Thanks all for posting and praying for me. I survived today and tommorrow will put the focus back on the kids and my life and not worry that ow has this charge against my h. It could prove to be false and if not then I will cross that bridge when I need to.

Could you maybe ask him to pursue a paternity test ASAP?

Hi Glam, glad that you are sounding better.
Strange your H said "he only sees the person not their faults" given that you said how critical he was of people.

Yes you are right this is not your problem and must move on from it until the truth comes out.
From what you have been through already maybe if the child is his then this would not be a deal breaker? so for now its back to one foot in front of the other.

You would think that if he is sure the child isn't his then he would be angrier that she has named him and would do all he could to clear his name especially knowing the impact it had on you and his financial situation? I guess that would require some effort on his part.

Take care Glam and I would certainly take steps to protect yourself.

Glam, if you want to give your H the benefit of the doubt, I can respect that, in fact, I think that's a nice thing to do. I would INSIST that he take a paternity test TODAY! If he wants to fight to clear his name, he should be all for it! If it comes back negative, much ado about nothing. If it comes back positive, well Glam, I really think you should move on, because I just don't see you getting past this one, and I'm not saying you should, this is a tough one, on top of that your H has acted like a pure moron, anyway, that's my 2 cents. Sorry for your pain.

Glam,
I'm glad you spoke to your h about the situation and I think you are doing the right thing by stepping back and allowing him to deal w/the matter. However, a test needs to be done in order to not only clear his name, but also as a trust issue for you. He may not have been with her in the last year, but who is to say she didn't end up pregnant at the end of their time together?

Glam, why in the world would he even mention you cheating on him? Once again, projecting and trying to deflect his own guilt for what he's done to you and the children. He should the ashamed of himself.

Glam, I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that the outcome will be in your favor and your h isn't the father. I pray that he comes to his senses and realizes what he stands to lose if this child is his.

Please take care of yourself.

At this time my h is trying to get in touch with the state and he is pursuing a paternity test. It's not like he has ever had to do this before, so he will have to figure out what and how to do that.

At this time I can't even think about my future with h. I have to turn that one over to God. In all of this, I was thinking that my h knew he had a kid, trying to keep that a secret from me. It does seem like that is not the case.

As far as anger, I have not seen my h angry with people with the exception of myself, but that could be a defense mechanism to keep his distance with me or part of this whole mlc.

My h is more of wait and see type of guy. He doesn't want to make assumptions before he knows the facts. I am more of the jump to conclusions without having all the facts.

My h is handling this very calmly and wants to get to the bottom of this, so he is taking action. He is finding out from the state next steps. At least this did not push him more into depression, he seemed fine yesterday with all that we have been through.

At this time, I just need to step back from all the issues and focus on what is important to me and in the best interest of our children. Doesn't mean I believe my h is innocent, it's just that we don't know what the outcome is at this time and I can't assume or not assume it's h's child at this time. If it's not, then I wasted a lot of time on nothing. If it is, then I will need to cross that bridge. It's like I can't cross the bridge without having all the facts.

I did feel some peace yesterday knowing that my h really didn't know anything about this. I also felt at peace knowing that ow is not with my h and maybe hasn't been to the degree that I have assumed over these past years. That may sound strange but it brings somewhat of peace over my thoughts right now.

Thanks for all the postings and prayers. I can only ask God's help with this one and believe me I have been praying heavily for strength and direction as to what to do with whatever the outcome is.

Hi glam-
I am glad you are feeling a little relief and I hope that your H does what it takes to put your mind at ease. That being said, you might want to consider preparing yourself for the worst just in case.

I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

(((HUGS)))

GG, You are strong and amazing. You will get through this regardless of circumstances, I promise.

Do something positive for yourself today.

Quote:

did feel some peace yesterday knowing that my h really didn't know anything about this. I also felt at peace knowing that ow is not with my h and maybe hasn't been to the degree that I have assumed over these past years. That may sound strange but it brings somewhat of peace over my thoughts right now.

Glam,
I do understand that right now your world is spinning and you are probably thinking a million different thoughts.

But please don't tell me that you truly believe this Man is telling the truth to you.

They tell you what it is you want to hear. But it is rarely the truth.

I know you want to believe him but please don't let your guard down.

Once you get the DNA results then you can make a decision as to your future with him.

Glam, go with your gut in this, give your H the benefit of the doubt until you know, but go with your gut feelings and do what you must to protect yourself and your kids until you know for sure.

Trust me I am not naieve here. I am not letting my guard down or believing everything my h is saying. What I am saying is reality has set in. Now the situation is what it is. I cannot change whatever the results are. I can only accept them. Doesn't mean I have to accept my h and put up with this poor judgment. All I can do is accept the situation as it unfolds.

Could be postive or negative for the test. Either way not MY issue. I didn't create this nor is it my job to mop this mess up. I can only allow my h to handle this the way he wants to.

I had my meltdown over the weekend, but stepping back from the situation I can see more clearly now. I could sit here and be angry, judgemental, and be fueled by hate but not where I want to be in life.

I just need to focus on what I can control. I can control what and who is in my future. Not sure if that will include my h. I let him know today decisions will be made for us in the near future. I am ok letting my h go, he is not what I want in a husband right now anyway. Yes, we have come a long way and this was yet another set-back, but in the whole grand scheme of things life is very short. I have waited patiently for my h and loved him unconditionally, but time changes how you feel about someone. Doesn't mean I don't love my h, but I have come to realize he probably wasn't going to return anyway. Doesn't want to make that committment to me and the kids. If he needs more than 3 years then I am not that worth it to him.

If the test is positive, what does that say about my h, about ow, about the lack of respect for me and our children from h. He will only find some way to twist the situation to his favor. Like I was not a good wife etc., instead of addressing himself and his poor behavior. He will find some way to blame me.

It's ok. I am ok. I will make it through regardless. I love my h, but now it's time for him to show me if he really loves me and is he ready to really make a committment. Our future has already been decided. We both know where our lives are headed.

I am not afraid anymore of whatever comes my way. God gave me the strength to deal with the news that was so abruptly bestowed upon me over the weekend. I feel I can handle anything. Yes I am praying for a negative, but reality tells me that is probably not going to happen, so I have to prepare my mind in advance.

Not sure if any of this makes sense, but regardless of the outcome I also had to face that my h probably is never coming home and I have to make decisions for where my life needs to go too.

I am proud of myself. I stood firm and made a decision in the best interest of myself and our kids. I have a peace and calm over my mind now. Praise God for allowing me to see another perspective on this situation.

I just prayed and prayed and today God has shown me I can either worry about the results or live my life to the fullest regardless, because in the whole grand scheme of life I can't change those results. I will have to live with whatever the outcome is.

Thanks to all for posting and praying. All your prayers and posts helped me through this most difficult time in my life.

Trust me I want the results to be negative, but I am a realist too.

Glam, that was a nice post! I think you have a very good perspective on this whole situation! You said it all when you said that you couldn't control the outcome of the test, only your life. I'm not telling you what to do about H either way, but I also think you are right about what you said about him too.

Hey G, glad you are feeling a bit better.

G, try to remember what a wonderful person you are - with such compassion and honesty and strength.

Trust that God's will will unfold and provide you with the answers you need.

In the meantime, please remember to take care of yourself.
You are going to need a lot of strength in the weeks and months ahead regardless of the outcome.

This is your h's problem to own. You cant change it or fix it.

Hang in there, Sweetie. You will be ok.

glam-
You sound pretty grounded for someone who just had a huge bomb dropped on them. Keep doing what you're doing to get you through. You should be very proud of yourself.

Take care of yourself and your kids.

(((HUGS)))

Thanks BH, BM, and Upside. I can't say that I am not bothered by what is happening and not so sure my h is going to follow through with contacting the state etc.

It bothers me tremendously that my h could possibly be involved with this skank in this way, but what can I do to change the outcome. Nothing!

I thought about this long and hard and realized it's best to try not think about it and continue on with my life as usual, since what can I do anyway.

My h continues to act like I am his wife and that he loves me so, but not sure where our future is headed. I can't even get him to spend the night not even once, but who cares. Do I really want him spending the night once in a while anyway. NO, I want him to committ or forget it.

Won't your H have to follow up with the state since they will be deducting child support from future paychecks? If he doesn't try to fight it, wouldn't that be an admission of something?

Does your H just act like the whole thing (the letter) didn't even happen or is he talking to you about it?

Are you sure that is healthy for you to continue on and not think about it? I know you probably need time to process it but I would think it would be in your best interest to deal with it in whatever ways you need to. Is there anyway that this woman could come after you for the child support since you and your H are married?

Hi glamgirl,

Just stopping by to say hi and that I am thinking of you. (((HUGS)))

H is having the state send paperwork. So he is taking the next step. I am processing this the best I can. I don't think this ow can come after me, but then she already has because this affects me emotionally and financially. Something my h will never get. He will never understand how this whole situation affects me emotionally. For him it's I can't change the past it's done. Which is correct, but show some remorse, have a heart, look at what you've done. He won't though because if it's not this skank another will come along. He just isn't happy with just me and the kids. Always searching for better but in the case of ow he hit the bottom.

Working with loan modification, if it doesn't come back favorable going to probably let the house go. I am ok with that too. It will be a burden lifted and lost memories on a house that h and I never shared. H says Glam just get a 3bdr place close by. I say h you going to join me and the kids, h says I don't think I can. Translate NO! Not that I am thinking of reconciling, not sure if there is much to reconcile.

H doesn't get what life is all about. Doesn't understand what love is all about. Doesn't understand what it is to respect a friend, or even how to have a R with others. He really doesn't stop to think how his actions affect others and how they are going to affect them years from now. He just doesn't get it, but then he is too busy running around pleasing others, making himself look good. He loves getting his ego boosted. I am sure that is what ow offered him rather than a realistic approach that he is just a darn f'ing a$$.

Really now did he give a flying rats a$$ about providing for his kids or helping me pay the mortgage the last 3 years. No he was too busy running around getting his ego stroked among other things. He just doesn't get it nor will he ever.

The part I don't get is he runs around here talking to all the neighbors like he is some great guy, but he can't even live with his family nor provide for them. What kind of a guy is he really. Seriously, what are his good qualities? He says he is a good father. Is he a good role model? Would a good role model be f'ing ow behind his wifes back? Not providing for his kids and living elsewhere? Really what is he basing his being a good father on? I would beg to differ.

I have lots to think about. This won't be going on much longer. I will need to make some plans soon for my future.

((((((glam))))))
Take care of yourself.... it sounds like that's what you are doing, just want to make sure! You can't use the words "thinking" and "h" in the same sentence, in his case. Unless the word "not" is in there, too! Someday, I think he will see the absurdity of what he has said and done. Whether he ever admits it to anyone else is another question entirely. Pride it a powerful thing.

Glam,

Just caught up with your post. I am sorry you are going through this. Not surprising though with the MLC person.

What he is doing is typical casebook MLC.

You know that.

In the end, it will be your decision on how much you will tolerate and how much you will not.

I think you are doing a great job.

Glam, just popped by to see how things are.
I have a hard time understanding ANY of your H's thinking / mentality.
It must make you want to laugh or cry? It is so pathetic as to be absurd.
Did he ever get the marriage commitment thing.
You are such a strong person and I know you will get through this,I think your H knows this too,so maybe thats why he doesn't feel the need to try and make it right or recommit to you.
It is almost like yep Glams my wife and always will be,she can cope with anything I do and is always there for me as and when I need her.
As he doesn't suport you or the kids financially I guess if he has to pay child maintenance(not sure what you call it) it wont affect you,at least not financially.
Hopefully things will work out with the house, but a move might be just the thing for you and your family.
Take care.

Naej I love how you put that pathetic as to be absurd. That says it all. I don't understand his thinking mentality either.

You are so right Naej at some points I want to break down and cry and on others shaking my head and laughing thinking you really didn't just say that did you.

I just see him out in La La land. I really don't see him to break down and cry and say how sorry he really is. To him he sees himself as doing no wrong or when he is questioned on it goes to the blaming me or I can't change the past. Like that makes it all ok. It's NOT ok what he did. That is the part he doesn't get. You don't cheat and lie to people you care about for your own personal gain and that is exactly what it was. For his OWN personal gain. Not giving a crap how his actions hurt others. Obviously he is not senstive to how others feel. Just put himself in machine mode and destroy all those his life touches.

It would be nice if my h had some emotions. Not really sure if he ever knew how to process his feelings other than in a hurtful destructive way. If he could communicate how he is feeling and open up that would be a starter, but the light bulb just doesn't click for him.

I also don't know how he strayed so far away from his morals and how he was raised. He came from good stock and has an absolutely wonderful family and good brothers with morals and values. I am sure his family is ashamed of his behavior, but h continues to act badly, so obviously he could care less how he is viewed by his family or he would change. He doesn't care how I view him either or he would change. This is really about the selfish person that he is inside right now.

I don't really care one way or another about the house. The only reason I would care is I wouldn't have to move. I don't like moving and packing up and it's a good safe neighborhood.

I don't have to make any decisions today, I just have to live.

I can't help but feel sorry for this poor child if we find out that h is the father. Not only is it's role model for a mother a heroin and meth addict, but it's father is a cheat, lier, and absent. How could this poor child have a start in life?

It's almost as if you are scarred at birth. I look at my own 3 wonderful children and how I have gave them the best that I could. Loved them to the fullest and have kept them sheltered from all the bad in the world. Protected them.

I am sad just thinking about how my h and I just don't have the same views in life in regards to m, family and committment. Family is number one.

My regret is that I wish I could have identified this before I m my h. He was from such a great family and we seemed to share the same ideals in the beginning. Then h got lost and seems to have strayed from what really is important in life. Not so sure he ever knew or ever will.

Maybe he would think differently if the shoe were on the other foot. I am sure though my h would seek out the best in others rather than identifying them as this is someone I don't care to invest my time into. He doesn't need to fix everyone or help them. It's not his job. This will always be one of my h's downfalls. If he understood that he could focus on himself and his family and not on bringing unneccessary people into his life that take time away from what is important.

Like helping others with resumes, writing business plans, relationship issues the list goes on and on. He does it because it boosts his ego. He can walk away and they are always so appreciative of him and praise him up and down. If my h could identify within himself that he doesn't need that from others and strangers to feel good about himself. I do believe this is a huge part of what my h is going through, but he has to identify for himself that helping others is not his job and that focusing on his family, his m, and his r with me is what his job is when you choose to committ to m.

Oh well, just my thoughts......

G, just checking in the see how you are doing. When you write about your h, he sounds similar to mine in so many ways.

I just cant get my mind around how they think and act. So, I am trying really hard not to try and figure it out. It will just make me crazy.

Be kind to yourself and take care of those wonderful children. Keep moving forward.

Hang in there, my friend.

Yes Glam, it is a mystery,especially this being Mr Helpful,nice guy to those in need of his help.
It just doesn't extend to his own flesh and blood or you? thats what I can't understand, he must have feelings otherwise why would he bother to help anyone.
Best just to let him get on with it and not try to understand otherwise you will end up crazy.
It has never ceased to amaze me when reading the posts on this BB for so many years how so many of these men are ministers or pasters in the church and yet they cheat and lie on their own families.
I guess God just shakes his head.
As ever one day at a time, make plans for your future and those children of yours,at least they have you. I grieve for that poor child with a mother like she/he has and possibly your H for a Dad. What chance or hope has she/he got.
Nothing you can do but do what you have been doing all these years, taking care of things.
I am amazed by your patience and how H has come and gone and you show him nothing but love and kindness. I haven't much of a temper but I am sure I would have thrown the nearest thing to hand at him on more than one occassion.
There must be something better coming for you and your kids.
Take care.

Glam, Is there a way to boost your H's ego at home so he doesn't try to do things elsewhere to boost it? Not saying this is a permanent solution. Could be a temporary one to help him stop and appreciate his family more. Of course, in the long-term, he needs to get his issues resolved - i.e. the reason for this ened to boost his ego.

Glam, I admire what you say about the child, not too many people would care about that regarding the circumstances. Understand this, my sister died of a drug O.D. and I have raised them as my own kids for nearly 6 years after my XW left us all..... Regardless of what people think of me, I have a big heart and I will do what is right! Your H is an ASS and will not be good for you or your kids, find someone who will be! There are people out there who will be!

Naej thanks for those kind words. I used to carry around so much anger and hatrid for my h, not sure what I did to not feel that way so much.

I do hate his poor behavior that is for sure. In many ways I actually feel compassion and sorry for my h. He hasn't really experienced what life really is about. He hasn't experienced how to truly love another or in many ways how that feels back.

Praise God that I can feel the love of God and in some small ways I am able to love my h unconditionally regardless of all the destructive things he continues to put me and the kids through.

PH it's a tough one about the boosting of the ego. I have tried to do that for my h in so many different ways, but because I think he in some ways carries anger towards me, he can't see me in the real light. So for him he seeks out others to help to feel needed and to fuel his ego. What he needs to do is find contentment in what he has and not be concerned with helping strangers to the extent that he does. My h doesn't know when to say NO. Then he puts himself in a situation overstepping his boundaries, because he doesn't know what those boundaries are.

No doubt BH that my h is an a$$, but I am trying to separate myself from harboring ill will towards him and to take the road of kindness. I truly believe that one day my h will come to know the truth and will appreciate me for who I am and not an overbearing controlling w.

I truly believed I will be blessed along the way for showing kindness rather than to be mean spirited. Life is too short for harboring anger and unforgiveness in your heart. It doesn't mean you condone their poor behavior, but you don't allow them to affect you day to day.

The biggest lesson I have learned in all of this, is acceptance of who my h is now. I didn't want to accept that for so long, but now I must, because this truly is the man he has become or has really been all along. Acceptance is a better place to be. You accept them and then you step back.

My h and I may never be together as h and w ever again, but I do have children with him and we do need to learn to accept each other as we are.

We turned in all the paperwork for the loan modification we will see where we go from here.

you sound good GG
hang in there
peace

Not so sure where all of this is going. I wish the past never happened, but the reality is we can't erase the past, so we must find ways to accept our situations for what they are. Regardless of how much pain we carry around inside, we still have to keep on living.

My h thinks I am judgemental. In many ways he could be correct. I hadn't ever put too much thought into it. I looked up the word today and yes I could possibly fit that, but I think it is more of who I choose to be around.

For example, me personally have no tolerance for those who do drugs, so I wouldn't surround myself with friends that do drugs or wouldn't want to put myself in a situation to be around those types of people. I look at it as more of a preferance than judgemental, but my h sees me as passing judgement on others.

Now my h on the other hand will be friends with people of all walks of life. He fully accepts people for who and what they are. I think this is why he struggles with right and wrong. When he accepts them he sees them as not doing anything wrong nor does he see himself doing anything wrong.

I think this is part of my stuggle with h. For example, I saw ow's character from day one and she wasn't anybody I would ever let enter my life. Does that make me judgemental? H saw her as a person that he could help. Not judgemental on my h's part, but not seeing her real character either. This is really what my h doesn't get. I would look at it that my h does not have a good judge of character. He is too sympathetic of others. I think that is a huge fault of my h's or is that a fault?

I am sure my h thinks I am passing judgement on him. Any thoughts?

Hi Glamgirl,

I am friends with people from all walks of life.

I don't like all aspects of many people, but can can usually find enough good points in them to respect and admire at least one part of them. If they have values or do actions I am really against, I try to consider that perhaps they have not yet been able to fix or resolve those areas of themselves yet.

If your H knows her better, maybe she has a or some traits that you have not yet been exposed to. Or maybe he just needs to rescue her and she is a skank, but until you know her better it would be hard to judge completly? You may be one of those people who can size someone up straight away too - my H can do that.

Just some thoughts for you.

You may be one of those people who can size someone up straight away too. Stormrider that is me completely. I have been this way all my life. Helps me well on the job.

Doesn't mean I don't have compassion, I just make it my choice not to surround myself with certain people. Could be that my heart was hardened with my first m, my exh was all about drugs and alcohol. I chose not to make that part of life ever again.

Thanks for posting stormrider.

It's interesting though as I put more thoughts into this. On many occassions my h would put a dig into a neighbor or a friend of mine, is my h being judgemental? I think so. Interesting, he can be judemental with those that really are good people, but not with people he shouldn't really be wasting his time with.

What does that say about my h?

Was thinking of one guy at a place I worked a few years ago. Looked like he was from ZZ top with the beard, dressed in black, rode a motorbike, rumoured to have certain types of "friends".

Was great at his job, loved nature and knew heaps about that, I was happy to eat lunch with him at the same table in the lunch room, we got on really well (but I do have a very different dress sense!). I respected those things about him.

But, no, I would not hang with him outside work!

I am thinking of shopping for a new swim suit today. It's going to be a hot weekend. I am thinking of taking the kids to the pool all weekend.

H said he would be over on saturday. There is a parade we are planning on goin to. H said he would let me know if he could make it over that early. I said you will be here at 9am and I left it at that. Last year he did not show until hours later.

I am a bit sad today, thinking how all of this could be happening. Not really sure what life lessons God is trying to teach me. What could I possibly learn?

My h at one point has such well respected friends. I wonder what they would think of him now. I guess that's why he doesn't surround himself with those type men anymore, because they would have NO respect for him. How could he be proud of who he is and who he became? Baffles me that he would want this for his life.

One of my Husband's biggest complaints aboutme during MLC was that I was too judgemental. It was one of the things I truly had to work on and continually pray about.

After alot of prayer, and changes I guess it comes down to this.

I have a moral compass.
I have righteous indignation.
I have integrity.

I guess it is all about the way we exhibit it. I know it is not my place to tell other people how to live their lives. That it is wrong for me to look down my nose at other people and treat them poorly or think I am better then they are.

Perhaps the best way is to treat everyone lovingly and kindly, only keeping some at a safe distance.

BND thanks for that post. Helped me realize that I am not alone in my thinking.

I have a moral compass.
I have righteous indignation.
I have integrity.

I like what you said above that sums it up for me. I like the moral compass the most. That really says it all.

I don't think I outwardly express my discontent with others except on here about my h and ow, but who could blame me. I am in the middle of an absurd situation. Not one that I asked to be in the middle of. This was not my choice.

I have many strangers that just come up to me and start telling me about their life. I don't push them away, I listen attentively and am compassionate, but that is as far as it goes, I don't take them in or give out my information, that is where my h and I differ. He didn't have to get himself involved with ow.

At this point I am sure my h doesn't even know. I remember a long time ago like 3 years ago, me asking why and he said something like he didn't know if he could answer that. MLC land.

Your example with the drugs is interesting.

You did not make that choice and you are aware of possible consequences to behavior that you do not want to involve yourself with.

I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

And there is another layer: Maybe not wanting people to do drugs is more caring than simply tolerating behavior that is likely to hurt them.

My husband also told me I am judgmental.
This is my take on it. Projection. They are feeling so much guilt over what they have done that they anticipate how we feel about their actions. They know we don't approve, so they blame us for being judgmental.

Many, many Ml'ers are very critical, negative, depressed people. They don't like that about themselves, so they put in on others.

Well, what can I say. Our situation has made yet another turn. I had a long talk with h yesterday. In light of all the recent developments and the long 3 years I stood waiting for my h to return we have come to the decision to call it quits.

My h let me know that he couldn't ever return home, so where does that leave us? Don't have much choice but to accept the situation for what it is and move forward.

I gave it my best. I waited a long 3 years for my h to figure it out and I guess what he figured out was that his life is best without the m. Not what I wanted for our m and life, but I will be ok.

What's important is that I accept the situation for what it is. My h changed period. Didn't expect such a wonderful person to fall so far from morals and values from what he was raised, but it just goes to show that even the best of people can wreck havoc on their own lives. If my h had more of a moral compass he wouldn't have found himself in the situation he has, but it's also about having respect for oneself. He didn't have respect for himself, so how could one expect him to have respect for others.

My h didn't respect me, the kids, our m, our relationship. It's easy to point a finger and to place blame on my h, but the situation is what it is. All I can do is move on. I would say learn from the situation, but I stood by my h even though he doesn't see it that way and I did the best I could with my h. I couldn't have asked more of myself.

What are my future plans. To take a much needed vacation, clear out the house of anything I no longer want, and continue to workout and be healthy.

In the beginning, I won't immediately be able to be a friend to my h, that will have to come much later. I will need time to heal through all of this.

I am sad it didn't work, but I am glad to finally have closure.

I am strong and I will get through this. Thanks all for helping me and posting to me and getting me through these difficult years.

Someone once posted to me........woulda coulda shoulda.......for some reason that made so much sense to me today.

Oh Sweetie, I am so sorry it has come to this. You absolutely did all that you could and then some. You can hold your head high and know that you tried your hardest and did your best.

It is hard to imagine that the men we thought we knew - we really didnt know at all.

It's all so hard to get your mind around, isnt it?

You are so strong and honest and true. I know that you will take many life lessons from this.

You will be ok G. I know it.

I'm so sorry, Glam. Your attitude is exactly right, though. You will be just fine.

Everything will be ok. I know that now. It was a good day yesterday despite this setback. S20 came over to spend time with me and the kids.

He is such an awesome young man. He wrote a song that he sang for me. It was called "let it go". How appropriate. He said mom you just have to let it go. He said mom you did your best and then some. He said you have been so patient and loving, you have nothing to regret.

He also said he was so proud to be my son and that you raised me so well. He said that when he has children he will never ever turn his back on them. He is a wonderful son, more than I could have asked with such an emotional mature mind. He even mentioned many times people say to him you were raised well. That made me so proud. I just did the best with what I had.

All I can do is step back and let h go. He was never mine anyway. He never had the emotional maturity to carry on a m and r the way that I expected.

I was quite suprised though that my h didn't have that maturity. H has great parents that have been together from day one and have raised their children to be good upstanding citizens. All of h's other brothers have turned out well.

I am sure most of the issues that are going on with h are from his childhood. I think he was pressured all of his life to be this great guy that all the family looked up to and respected and he was the one always fixing everyone eles's problems. Well, he snapped and just said enough is enough. I don't want to fix anybody anymore and I don't even want to fix myself. I just want to be whoever and whatever comes my way. Sad, but reality.

This is just another journey along this road of life.

(((glam)))
I am so sorry that things have taken this turn although I am sure it would be a relief for you to finally have some resolution.

I know it is hard to accept the idea of being divorced especially when you have small kids and especially when you have been down that road before. Don't blame yourself for this. There is no way you could have known that something in your H would snap and he would handle things the way he has.

You do sound strong and centered. You can put all of your focus on your kids and yourself now. You have grown so much through out this experience, I have no doubts that wonderful things will be coming your way in the future.

(((HUGS)))

Hey, (((((Glam))))).

I am in pretty much exactly the same place you are now. I too have finished my "stand" and am feeling a huge sense of relief......and some sadness too, but only a little.

I have to disagree that you are "judgemental". My absolute biggest turn off is judgemental people. It's a huge thing to me. And you are one of the least judgemental people I have ever "met"! We all have to make judgements for our lives, based on what we believe or have learned, but that is NOT the same as being judgemental. At least not by my definition of that word. Judgemental is somebody who doesn't respect other people's right to choose what they do in their own lives (so long as they are not hurting anybody), and doesn't have compassion for others. You are so far from that it's not even funny! Setting healthy boundaries for your life is not "judgemental"!

I'm really going to try to come down there and visit you one weekend here within the next month or so.......

Hang in there!

About being judgemental... I have a friend who is a recovering drug addict. Would I be her friend if she was still using? I honestly don't know. My church is big on 'avoiding the near occasion of sin.' Loving the sinner certainly does not entail participating in sinful activity with them! Your H is full of cr!p on that one.

He's the one with the problem, not you.

Glam, I must have stopped by here for a purpose tonight. My ex had a baby with the OW long before we were divorced. It really sucks to be in that position. I cried my heart out too. Wonder

Glam, I am very sorry to hear this, although you did say there was relief in there too. Please look after yourself. I know you tried so hard for so long, and it may not be turning out how you wanted but at least you can be proud of how you conducted yourself in this horrible sitch. Time to move forward in God's grace....

Peace and blessings,
Dawn

Thanks for all for the well wishes and encouragement.

I took the kids to the pool today and saw my next door neighbors. The dad asked where is h? I just smiled and didn't respond. S7 says working. Bless his heart. I am so tired of the embarrassment of answering to where is h. Well I won't have to do that anymore.

Neighbor responds that's not right. He should be here with his kids. Gee could somebody tell him that? Oh I forgot wouldn't do any good anyway. He's checked out and has been for a long time. In his mind he's a good father. He wouldn't know what a good father is.

Neighbor dad was there with his family. Very nice family and nice w. He had his shirt off and I was like wow, neighbor w gets that everynight. That is what I miss the most is not having my h to snuggle with at night.

I am relieved that the crap is finally done. I wanted to text h today and say not to come over on the 4th. He already had plans to join us. I thought I will just let it be since the kids are expecting him for fireworks.

I am so looking forward to moving forward. I talked to my sis today. She says I am welcome to come stay with her for awhile. Now that would involve moving out of state.

In Sept I am going to sell everything that I can. I want to be free to move if I choose.

I do feel relief though. No more wondering and waiting and asking my h to come home. I am looking forward to meeting a nice man to share my future with. I am just hoping I am not too old to attract a man. I wasted some good years. This could have been done 3 years ago, but know I had to try to make this work. How stupid could I be to think my h was going to be one of those men to return.

Oh well, I will try not to waste anymore thoughts on this. It is what it is.

Gee, I hope you arent too old G - that makes me ancient at 50!
Listen, dont consider these years as wasted ones. You did not want to look back and say what if...

You have grown so much and now you absolutely know what you dont want.

The best is yet to be, my friend.

Thanks BM. I am actually excited for next weekend. I have some plans without the kids and looking forward to putting the past behind.

You are right, I have walked away knowing that I did my best. It was more than anyone could ask of me.

I was praying today and asking God, why he couldn't have brought my h home. No answer! What does that mean?

I was watering the grass this evening and thinking that maybe my h just didn't want the responsibility of a w and family. Some men don't. I just think he should have thought about that before he m me. It's a little too late for that now.

Oh well, there has got to be some man out there that wants a w and family. Not that I am rushing into another r, but I like being m and having a family. It has always been my dream. Just wished I wouldn't have to find man #3 to make this work.

Geez what does that say about me?

Glam,
I'm very sorry to hear the news. Your h hasn't grown up and may never do so. You've fought the battle, but in one sense, you did not lose. You learned what you needed to learn, shared w/others and have gotten wiser and stronger along the way. No matter what happens, you are going to be just fine.

I think you are very wise in taking some time for yourself. Have your sale and by the time the sale is over, you will know what you need to do to move forward.

Happy Fourth of July! May your day be a pleasant one.

As I sit here reading your post I have tears rolling down my face.....wondering if this will be me in a few years. I also am standing,in my mind and my heart I also fell he will return but when I read your post I thought to myself "I dont think he is never really coming home"
I got the bomb in 10/07 but he started the tunnell in 02/07
He has been there over 2 yrs.and no sign of remorse, you can see his guilt when I do get to see him, just the way his face looks.
Am I going to be another statistic....our family another statistic....I see me get better and better as time goes by...I am sad by what I read I am so sorry he never came back. You have a wonderful son who knows the sacrifices you did for your family, your marriage and he will always remember that.
Maybe you will find someone who truly loves you better I dont want anyone else......I want my husband to be by my side when I take my last breath on this earth, our children, my whole family.. You sound so strong. I pray you have a wonderful life full of happy times..Good Luck
When do we really know when it is time to let them truly go?

Thanks Snodderly for posting. You always seem to lift my spirits.

I am a bit anxious today, to see my h. I don't want to come across as cold and uncaring, but I do need to distance my feelings since our lives are going in a different direction now.

I also don't want to have thoughts of hatrid towards my h, since I don't feel that will do me any good for my future.

I will just try to be myself today and put my feelings aside for today and focus on our kids. They are all that matter now.

Glam,
If your h comes over today, he will be watching you and wondering when you are going to slam dunk him for not wanting to return. Just be yourself...if it will help you, think of him as a neighbor that lives two streets down. I do think he has some very huge regrets for what he's done and doesn't know how to put them into words. He's still a child, a child that's not at the proper age to realize everything he has done. Your children have more on the ball right now than he does. Your oldest son is more mature and level headed than your h is.

I suspect one of the reasons he said he's not coming back and to end things is that it's the easiest way out of the mess he's got going with the love child. He doesn't know how to just sit down and discuss the istuation and cmoe up with a reasonable solution. The only way out is to disconnect and cut the ties with the most important people in his life,...you and the children.

Glam, you are going to be okay. It's going to take a while to find your balance, but you will do it and you will be a survivor.

Sending hugs and prayers your way.

Irmac thanks so much for your post. It made me cry. This is not what I wanted, but I need closure. When I asked my h the other day about coming home, he said he didn't know if he could ever return. It's been 3 years and if doesn't know the answer to that by now, it was all I needed to hear and move forward for me.

I don't neccessarily see my h as remorseful, he has never said to me he is sorry. He doesn't see anything to be sorry about. When I confronted him most recently about ow, he said what does it matter if he was with her. What does it matter? Hello!!!!! You are a m man with a w and children and that's why it matters. In his eyes he has done nothing wrong. He doesn't get it, meaning what life and m and children and R are all about. He doesn't get it and I am not so sure he ever will. To him he thinks, oh well life goes on. I don't need my family.

This is all so difficult. Irmac you will know in your heart when it's time to move on. It has taken a long time for me, but I finally need to do this for ME.

Well I got my usual text from h and says he is too hot to go to the parade this morning. Could have figured that one. He will never put the kids first over his selfishness. Like I said, he will never get it. He doesn't want to do family things or be a part of a family period. His actions say it all. Hence the reason we must proceed forward.

Do we really think he will show at noon either. Oh, it might be too hot for a BBQ too. See how ridiculous his thinking is? I love how he has to text, he can't even call to tell me. What a cowardly way out.

It's all good, less time around him anyway. It's what I expected. He couldn't suprise me with his behavior. Nothing has changed for him for the better, so why would I expect him to be a real man and father. Give me a reason h!

GG Im so sorry for you! I know you wanted your real H back. next time he says hes coming over leave before hand and then say "oh H you never come when you say you are....i didnt want to waste MY family's day waiting for someone who is prob not gonna show anyway"

you have let him lead this dance for 3 yrs now...its time for you to lead. I hope this week you will find and meet with a lawyer...get whats due you and the kids before tramp=o gets her mitts on it.

I hope you wont waste time filing, your H has become so complacent leaving you to pick up the pieces while waiting on him and for him.

start telling people the truth....hes so sure you wont and will enable him to keep the charade up.

you are worth so much more than he allows you to be. Time for GG to soar with eagles

Glam, see a lawyer, get a legal separation, set his child support, ENFORCE IT. Have the court set his visitation, hold him to it, cut the strings and let go. Its all about business at this point in the game, so protect yourself and the kids.

Anew2 you are right. I am picking up the pieces and my kids come first. I have not been there in the past and have not answered my phone, just to find h waiting until I returned. He waited for hours for me to return, so not so sure saying anything to him is the answer. For me silence is the best answer. There will be no reason to converse with him.

It's different now though, I won't be waiting for him anymore. Today was only because it was planned with the kids. No more plans for the future. I won't be waiting for him to arrive.

I am doing what's right for me. I can't say that I am happy that this has come to this situation, but I can say I am at peace with moving forward without my h.

It was like waiting around for someone that just couldn't make a decision and would continue to make me out to be the bad one. Never once stopping to look himself in the mirror and professing how wrong he treated everyone. Not in his vocabulary nor was it something he was willing to do.

The kids are not feeling well and were not up to going to a parade. We will just rest and then have a BBQ later, with fireworks in the evening.

Yes BH I am protecting the kids and making progress forward. What other choice do I have? It's now about the kids. H will not step forward we know that. It's time for me to step forward for them.

(((glam)))
I know this has to be so hard for you. Your H just isn't willing to look at himself. I hope for your kids that someday he can figure this all out but for you, you need to let go and live your life for you now.

You have been given some great advice here. I don't need to repeat it.

I hope you and your kids are able to have an enjoyable holiday. Maybe you should celebrate this as YOUR Independence Day.

(((HUGS)))

Thanks Upside. I like that idea. "Independent, Independent, throw your hands up in the air."

Have a Happy 4th!

Glam, you are right, only you will be available for the kids, but H has obligations to them and it will be up to you to see that he lives up to them. He will try to manipulate you to not do them, but you must stand firm and set major boundaries to ensure that he does.

woulda
coulda
shoulda

that was me......

So, it's Independence Day....

Glam, you are going to survive this ordeal, and so will your children.

Unfortunately for many of these MLC'ers the damage that they have done makes it practically impossible for them to retunr home.

I honestly beleive they don't think they are worthy of forgiveness, and would rather wallow in their self pity.

Mine has never apologized .......he also thinks he has done nothing wrong....he has no conatact with his children at all...nothing....all the signs of MLC were there...but maybe he was just a walkaway all along....either way he left us and we dont exist to him any longer.....just his new life with her...25 yrs. I had with him and I am grateful for that, the memories we made... to him there are none as they say in here he has rewritten our history...
but I have the best thing left all all this mess and that is I have our children and that is the best of all.....
you and I we will be ok, you have shown your kids that you fight till there is no more fight left in us for what we know is the right thing to do....
when we make decisions by feelings we get ourselves into trouble all of us...the feelings go away at some point but the right choices are with us forever...hope you had a happy July 4th

Well it was an interesting day to say the least. No 2X4's here please.

H comes over around 3pm. I was getting back from the park. Now I was trying really hard just to be. I tried staying downstairs while h was upstairs and just read a magazine paper etc. Just busy.

Then h drags me upstairs. He is all lovey dovey. Well I couldn't resist and yep had sex with him. Well it's not like we haven't been having it on a regular basis. I do really enjoy it with my h. I know shouldn't have, but 15 years with this guy is hard to just walk away like that. If I didn't love the sex with him so much.

Geez h comes over and acts like everything is just fine. We cooked steaks on the grill and then in the evening lit some fireworks. Overall it actually was a very fun day.

I did mention something about h never coming home and he said aren't you pessimistic. Oh yeah h, same guy just a few days ago says I am never coming home. What's changed?

This was my party to end it all. So we go out with a bang.

Glam,
I will never have 2X4's to hand out, but....

Nothing's changed w/your h. He's sending mixed signals once again. They do this quite often in the Land of Oz. You can't rely on him. They tell you what you want to hear to string you along. Who knows, maybe some day he will come home, but for now, I don't see it happening in the next few weeks. The question you need to be asking yourself is this...where do I go from here? Do I move on and leave the door ajar or do I divorce him?

BTW, you are also sending mixed signals as well. I realize you can't resist the man when he starts cuddling up to you, but if you are really through w/him and have had enough, you most likely shouldn't be having sex w/him. The reason that I am saying this is that you may be giving him the signal that it's okay and you don't care about what he's done, etc. That you are wiling to take the crumbs that he's offering up to you. Glam, you are far more deserving of a 100% relationship whereby the man treats you w/respect, love and honor. Someone who is going to be there for you and walk this life w/you side-by-side.

Maybe the turning point for him will be no the next time and then he will realize that you are not waiting for him any longer. I just hope everything turns out okay and he realizes what he's about to lose if he doesn't get his act together.

Glam, most importantly, please take care of yourself.

GG, you have stood with class and dignity, so dont become a doormat. start to disengage yourself from your H. sex should be one of those liberties afforded in a m/r that is gonna go somewhere besides the crapper.

your H will continue to use/abuse you and keep it status quo as long as you let him. your kindness and unconditional love in the face of great disreapect hasnt changed him one iota ....so try a 180...the bar is now closed H!

as snodderly said maybe in the face of loosing it all he will wake up I didnt mean to sound crass, just hate to see you devalue yourself that way

That's why my last post said out with a bang, because that is exactly what I did. Thanks for the encouragement.

I don't expect anyone to understand, but this is a man that I ml to for 15 years and he has been the one man that got it right, so sorry that is hard to give that up knowing that it might never be again with anyone.

So why not give it up on a perfect day ending with fireworks. Snodderly you are right, talk about mixed signals that is exactly what my h is doing. He thinks everything is just fine between us and now I had such a great day with my h it's hard to go back into being a cold heartless bit#$........

i understand. u are not alone.

i hear what everyone else says, that we allow them to keep this going, without making firm decisions one way or another.

but it is extremely hard to not ml with them, we want that connection with them...and in some ways, it keeps it alive, and alive is what we want.

i have no advice to offer, because i am the same with the intimate contact.

to me, if he still wants to have it with me, he isnt so sold on ow, after everything that has taken place, and u are i are in the same time frame of 3 years, they still come back to us.

the other day my h and i were being intimate and he said maybe we shouldnt have sex, and i responded with, well of course im not, i dont plan on it, and yes, it did make him want what he couldnt have.

he was shocked and then wanted to.

so i hear what everyone is saying, but it is hard to resist them.

GG,

You just took one for the team.

glam-
I understand you making it your last hurrah...however, doesn't it make it that much more difficult to let go when you feel that connection? I know it is for me. Maybe it was it your way of having closure?

I wish you the strength you will need to make this break because I don't see your H letting go quite so easily. Your H still wants to live in a fantasy world and pretend that nothing is wrong. IMO, he will be in for a very rude awakening if you can gather up the fortitude to truly move on.

(((HUGS)))

GlamGirl,

Sorry, wanted to say in my previous post I do understand, Its nice to go out with a good memory. I guess its just choosing to draw the line in the sand a couple of steps further down the beach than some others would, and thats ok. The important thing is holding yourself to that line where ever you have chosen to draw it.

Quote:

a cold heartless bit#$....

you arent...you are circling wagons to take care of your children and YOU. He will try to portray you as such when you close some doors.just keep on doing for you. start to leave when he comes to see kids. arrange visitation, please please see a lawyer. start to let him see the world w/o glam

Well I did it! I let h know that I was drawing the line. He had a confused look on his face. I don't think at first he knew what I was talking about.

I walked him to the door. He gave me a really nice hug and kisses goodbye. I waved goodbye. It will be the last time I walk him to the door. It will be the last time for a lot of things.

I just simply said h I need more for my life than you can offer me. It was sad waving goodbye to my h, he just will never get it.

I will stand my ground. I need a husband not some guy that comes and goes as he pleases.

I am free, but feel lost. You know how hard that was for me to do today? It was the right thing for me to do. I need to be respected and loved. I gave my h all I could give.

I just kept thinking of my wonderul neighbor couple who have a great m and r and I just kept thinking that is what I want for my life. That won't happen with my current situation, so I had to let it all go. Let it go, just like the song my s20 sang for me. I sometimes wonder if he wrote that song for me. He's on fire for God and has his heart and life in the right place.

Now begins the next chapter to my life. Anew2 I will have to be cold and heartless for now or I my h won't get I am serious. I just couldn't take it one more time, watching him drive away.

When you have had enough, it all becomes so clear. I will miss my h, but looking forward to seeing what life has to offer.

I wore my wedding ring all of these past 3 years. I put away now, which it will be sadly missed. It meant so much to me and it was beautiful gift from my h. There will so many things I will miss about my h, I just don't want to think of those now.

Anew2 I remember you said to me once when you really let go, it hurts all over again. Well that hurt is just beginning, but I do want better for my life.

Breath is all I can do for tonight.

Hey G, so sorry you are hurting. We never know what the future holds.

You will be feeling so many things in the coming weeks. All the phases of grief. Go through them, one by one and then, when you can, put them away.

Then you will see that you will begin to feel better for an hour, then two then a day and so on. You will have some ups and downs, but slowly, the ups will last longer, the downs less.

You are a strong, intelligent, compassionate woman that has so much to offer.

I hope you can really and truly let go. It is a gift you give yourself.

Hang in there, Sweetie. You may not see it now, but the best is yet to be.

You did what was necessary for you to survive. Take extra good care of yourself in the coming weeks.

Hi glamgirl,

I am so sorry about what is happening. I was hoping for you that your H would come back home. I guess you are doing the right thing since you need to be happy again and your H just cannot give what you want and deserve at the moment.

Quote:

I don't expect anyone to understand, but this is a man that I ml to for 15 years and he has been the one man that got it right, so sorry that is hard to give that up knowing that it might never be again with anyone.

I do understand you very well! Take care. (((HUGS)))

GG, You can be firm but friendly. That is what DB C told me.

Ah, Glam.

I'm right here beside ya', honey, with letting it all go. In a way, I think maybe I have it easier because my H cut the ties pretty decisively when he finally did it.....didn't keep up intimacy and such for 3 years.

It's funny, but I always considered you were one of "the lucky ones" whose H just at least seemed to continue to give something to the R. Now, I'm actually sorta thankful that my H didn't do that, because I, like you, would have seen that as "a chance" and would have held on for all I was worth.

And, Glam, I personally think that you have yet to have the best sex of your life! I say that because I know that your H did not respect you as you so richly deserve, and without that you have only "technique". And "technique" can be taught! When you finally find the man who is destined for you (and I believe you will!) and have that true emotional bond that your H could never really reciprocate because he didn't have that ability (at least not yet)......well, I think you will be amazed at how much more satisfying ml will be, and you will wonder how you thought that things were so "great" with your H.

I can say that because I believe it for myself too. My H and I were very "compatible" in that area, and had a joke that if things outside the bedroom were as good as inside the bedroom, life would have been Utopia! That was something that was very hard for me to let go of too. But, I am trying to keep in mind that if it was that good with someone who had issues with "real intimacy", how much better will it be with someone who really truly loves me!

Hang in there, my friend!!

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Thanks all. Forward I like that "firm but friendly". That will be my new motto. That makes sense to me. Life is about to get strange.

Don't expect h until Wed, now for months and months and probably over a year, I would make dinner for h and the kids and we would eat as a family when he would come over. Now that will need to be done. Can't really see that continuing.

Thanks SC I do hope that you are right, but for now I am just at peace knowing that the wait and unknown is finally over.

Trying not to think much about anything these days. Life is what it is.

I only wish that my h could have woke up and got it, but oh well he was not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Originally Posted By: glamgirl

......Thanks SC I do hope that you are right, but for now I am just at peace knowing that the wait and unknown is finally over.

Of course! I wasn't talking about going out and jumping into bed with somebody right away [Get your mind outta the gutter, Glam!!

] I was only saying to be careful and not to fall into the trap of what I fondly refer to as "Future F**king"!

Ya know, as in making un-based assumptions about what is going to happen....... Although in this case, I guess that phrase would apply literally too!

Gee SC you are dissappointing me, not jumping into bed with somebody right away.......why not? Just kidding. It does sound so tempting though. Do you know of anyone I could hook up with?

All I can say is life goes on and I am sure my life will get better.

Oh too funny, D5 just said "A girls got to do what a girls got to do". She's got that right! Oh she makes my life so worth it.

Originally Posted By: glamgirl

..... Do you know of anyone I could hook up with?

If I did, you'd have to get in line behind me!!!!

Originally Posted By: glamgirl

.....Oh too funny, D5 just said "A girls got to do what a girls got to do". She's got that right! ....

Obviously, a very smart woman in the making........the acorn don't fall far from the tree!!

((((((hugs))))))

Well.......

Originally Posted By: Virtually_Handsome

Well.......

Well.....what, Jeffie-poo?........ You got somethin' to say? Spit it out!

Wow, that line sure is getting long...

...and is that a stampede I hear?

hey GG.....are you ok?

Thanks for checking in on me. I am actually doing very well despite my situation. I was having a semi meltdown this week and a friend was able to lift my spirits. PH and SC if you read this thank you so much for being there for me. You both seem to know exactly what to say to me.

I have focused my energy and anger into fitness. I actually have a good routine in place to lose the belly fat and continue to firm up. I am feeling great in that respect.

I am working out 6 days a week twice a day. Weight lifting and lots of cardio and a nutrition program to match. It's only week one, but so far doing good. It's an 8 week plan and then I will evaluate my results and see where to go from here.

As far as h, firm and friendly. It's working fine. I really have absolutely NO control over his life or what a mess he has made of it. The sooner I got to that conclusion the better. No more waiting around for him to return. I can finally focus on Glam and what is right for me and the kids. I am in a good place. All I can do is control ME!

I do long for a family situation. It was really my life long goal. Something always seems to get in the way of me reaching that goal, but my life is not over by any means.

I still read and post now and then, but with my new fitness goals and the kids I have little time.

I keep praying that God continues to encourage and strengthen me every step of the way. Regardless of anyone's situation life must move forward. We cannot be stuck on life's past mistakes and dwell negativity from it. We must remain positive and forge ahead paving a better life for ourselves. This is all I can ask of myself.

Cheers life goes on!

did you see a L? how about the paternity test?

GG, I am glad to hear that you are taking good care of yourself.

Firm but friendly is good. As far as everything else, I am trying to leave that to life and God.

Glad to see you doing pretty well. I am too!

I'll try to call you this weekend, Glam!

((((((hugs))))))

Doing good. Yes Anew2 the kids come first. I have not heard anything more regarding h and his issues and that is exactly what they are h's issues.

I have had to let go of anything regarding my h. Not my concern. He is not my concern. Once I learned that it has made it easier. As much as I want to control the situation and outcome I realize that is NOT going to happen.

I am moving forward for me and the kids. Once you let go it's all for the better. I am friendly with h, but no longer hanging onto the h and w syndrome. That is not what we have been for the past 3 years.

He did mention something the other day about realizing what has been in front of him all along and that he hurt me and kids to find out. Not at all sure what that meant nor did I ask. Just more of the confusion, but let it all go, since my life is moving in another direction.

I am working out almost daily and feeling great. Meeting some friends for the first time in a long time and have plans to look forward to.

I am in week 2 of my diet plan and work out and feeling great so far. It has really boosted my self confidence. Got my hair cut today in a shorter style and updated my look. Tomorrow pedicure, manicure and clothes shopping. I am dropping more weight and am in the need for some new clothes.

SC I look forward to hearing from you.

Gee, Glam, I don't know if I should come down there to visit like I planned....... You'll be looking all slim, trim and racy, and I'll feel like the "schlub" beside you!!

Hey SC I am a far cry from looking hot, but I do look and feel better than I did a year ago. Thanks to you, pointing out the circuit training. I do believe it's helping.

Not sure where this will all end, but the hardest part is looking at h and really embracing the person he became. Not in a million years would I have believed it if someone had told me what he was capable of. He didn't really seem to be the type, but then he really fooled me.

It is still so hard to imagine the person I loved so much, did all these hurtful things to me, his kids, his family, his friends. I just shake my head.

I guess it really shows what happens when you stray so far away from God. You lose your moral compass.

I can't imagine that my h really even likes himself. How could he be happy with his life or situation. The problem is he refuses to do anything about it.

He was adored by his family. He had so much going for himself. Now he has reduced himself to the shell of a man he is today. He could get some dignity back IF he tried. He could show his kids what it is to be a real man and a h, but he chooses not to. Why he chose the life he has now and continues to choose that life is beyond me.

I really thought by this time he would have tired of his life. I guess I was wrong. I guess I was way wrong of him as a person too.

I believe more and more that maybe we were just not right for each other. I thought he would be content raising a family, but in hidesight I guess he just didn't fit that mold.

I also think all the time he was saying I didn't respect him, what he really was saying is he didn't respect me as his w, friend, lover, or partner. He still doesn't respect me.

I will leave it at that. I so longed and still do for answers, but they will never be found. Do the anwers really matter?

I am just sad that my h was just one of the many spouses that wasn't strong enough when it was needed most. He could be enjoying not only his kids, but his own family at this time.

I just cry when h's family send photos of such happy times together without h. He truly doesn't know what he is missing. He will never get that time back or bond that was broken. He doesn't seem to care either whether his bro's and parents are in his life. It's as if they don't exist to him.

One of his aunts just passed away and I let h know. He just seemed to shrug and said something about how they make a big deal about death. I remember a time when my h's mom was hospitalized and my h jumped on a plane as fast as lightning to be by his mom's side. Now he wouldn't even make a phone call to honor his aunt. So sad, so sad!

Wow! I am new to this site, but your story sounds like mine. I just got the 'bomb' in May and I'm ready to boot his but already after 2 months and you've been at this for 3 years. What made you want to try and save your marriage for that long? I'm really intrigued...I am so hurt, betrayed, angry, I can't imagine hanging on or holding out for that long.

Keep working out....you go girl! I am 47 years old and a former fitness instructor. Nothing feels better than looking good!

Well Golf it's tough. I stood because I believe in m and I truly love my h. I m my h for better or worse and deep down he is a wonderful man if he could only find his true self again.

Also during this 3 year period, he was coming over 5 times a week we were going to m counseling. It seemed like he was getting closer to returning.

Now we have had a major turn of events and a real setback. Only God knows where this will end up.

You have to work on the forgiveness. It is a difficult journey. Only you can decide what to do.

I also wasn't interested in having fun with another if you know what I mean. My h was my soul mate and we really understood each other. I saw him as my life long partner.

If he could only find himself again and find his way home through all the guilt, shame, and depression. If he could only find God in all of this. He just has to open his heart.

GG
You never know when the miracle will happen
you and your H did seem like so much progress was made
hang in
keep taking care of yoursrlf and your kids
the answer will come
maybe its not ti,e to let go yet
only you will really know
It is so weird but even with my X getting M to oW(if its true)
I still fel this bond and love for him the old him too
and I feel he feels that too
even though they appear to move forward do they ever really go anywhere..in emotion they are really still close
maybe that never fully leaves
peace

Glam,
I agree w/peace...it just might not be the time to let go. Things happen when you least expect them to. Continue to take care of yourself and your children. The answers will come.

I have been praying and praying and more praying. Asking God what direction to go, then I come here and maybe I found some guidance.

I cleaned my much needed closet this weekend. I saw the box of wedding photos again. I did not look in. I wanted to but restrained myself.

Next month is our 10 year anniversary. It is too sad to think about right now. I keep thinking how I adored my h and how I was so lucky to have found him and m him. I couldn't even begin to describe what a wonderful man he was. He was really everything I wanted in a man.

I never really saw him to be a cheater. He didn't seem to have that kind of selfishness inside of him. All along he was always thinking of others and gave freely of himself and money. That is why this tares me up on the inside, that he is everything now that is so unattractive and so disgusting.

I can only pray that he has some remorse and sadness over how he treated me. He has never once said he was sorry. It appears he walks around as if he did nothing wrong. I don't get that. He could start with an apology to me for his wrongdoings. Do they ever apologize?

i think for them to apologize is to truly admit what they have done and most likely they just cant deal with that.

my h has apologized but not often enough for me to think he truly apologized. the guilt associated with the remorse is just too great.

believe me, when they lay down at night, when all is quiet, they know what they did, they feel bad for what they did.

i think they cant even handle that. i think they keep doing what they are doing to not deal with what they have done.

i dont know if that makes sense.

Glam,
I'd like to share this w/you. After my bil was killed in 01/05, my xh actually started posting to me again. I hadn't heard nor seen him since 2002 at the divorce hearing. He begged and pleaded w/me to be a friend once again. He even went so far as to apologize for all of the years that we had been married and the way he had behaved. Not once, did he apologize for walking out the door, not once did he apologize for all of the lies, cheating and stealing that he did when entering the twilight zone and for the 6 years he had been gone and acting out. To this day, 10 years from the time he walked out, divorced 7, have I head the words "I'm sorry that I acted the way I did when we were separated/divorced".

Glam, some may apologize, but others will sweep what happened under the carpet, hoping against hope, that we will let it go and not raise the issue w/them. They can't face what they've done, but I can assure you of this, had we done this to them, they wouldn't have lked it. My xh said as much when he first walked out and I asked him how he would feel if I had done this to him.

Please do not hold your breath waiting for an apology.

My husband cries all the time when he's around me and said he has so much guilt. He wonders why I don't hate him...he said he pours himself into his work so he doesn't think about all the damage he's caused and all the people he's disappointed.

glam, I saw my husband as my soul mate and lifelong partner as well. We knew everything (I guess almost) about each other and I was almost smug about our marriage and how lucky we were to have found each other. I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I can forgive, but sometimes I think it would be easier to divorce and move on with my life. Otherwise, I keep hanging in "limbo" waiting for him to come back. I think we could always remarry when he is finally through all of this....

Hi glamgirl,

Thinking of you. (((HUGS)))

Thanks Snodderly for posting that. I guess to me it would feel better if my h at least said he was sorry for his wrongdoings. At least I would know he realizes he was wrong. Right now, my h walks around like everything he did is ok. I don't see him have any remorse over the lies, cheating, stealing. It really baffles me on his thought process. In his mind, does any of it really matter. He mentioned that to me the other day, does it really matter.

Of course it matters. It mattered to me, but apparently to him it meant nothing. I feel as if I meant nothing to him. Just someone to cheat on and toss aside. You are right though Snodderly, waiting around for him to apologize is probably not going to happen. Once again having an expectation of someone that isn't capable of in my opionion of doing the right thing.

Sometimes I wonder if my h has any feelings about anything. It's as if he is a bump on a log, with nothing to say. He can never talk about our core issues and how we can resolve them. He goes on with his day as if nothing ever happened between us. This is not reality. Does he really think this can all be swept under the carpet never to be discussed?

We really need to get to the root of the issues in order for us to put them behind us. Not sure how to get my h to open up and to talk openly and freely. Does he really NOT see how his clamming up is hurting us more than helping us?

Golf I have been waiting in limbo for a long time. Make sure though that you are bettering yourself. Taking time for you. That is what is most important.

I often wonder if my h really knows what true love is. It's hard for me to process if you truly love someone then why would you cheat on them? Why would a person do that? I also wonder if my h really loved me or if they were just words he said now and then. I wonder too, if my h would feel the same if I had did the same to him. Would he even care or would he just shrug and say such is life?

I guess in all of this I would like to see my h care about me and the kids. Show me that you really care to restore our m and be serious about it. Open up and speak freely. Show me that you want me in your life.

Thanks TL for stopping by. Life goes on!

Hi glamgirl,

Yes, life goes on. (((HUGS)))

Hey ((((Glam)))).

My H was never one for apologies. He would say "I'm sorry you were hurt." but never "I'm sorry I did that." Our C has said that H had a real knack for putting his feelings in a jar and setting them on the shelf, and that people who were able to do that can never really be trusted because you never know what they are really thinking and they can change without any warning at all. I talked about that with beginnersmind and she said that her H also fit that mold. She never even got the "I'm sorry you were hurt." type of apologies from her H.

My C has also said that they types of people wear their values like a coat they can put on and take off. They never really internalize them. I am coming to believe that it's just plain weakness of character.

But, don't beat yourself up for not seeing it. These people are also masters at deception (often even to themselves). They believe the BS they tell themselves, so why wouldn't we believe them too?

Perhaps I am getting too cynical. I really have to fight that because that is not the person I want to be.

Anyway, looking forward to seeing ya' this weekend!!

Thanks SC. Now it's in the 100's here. I have no AC, so brace yourself for the heat. Should be a little cooler by the weekend.

As if I don't have enough going on in my life. Earlier in the evening the doorbell rang and I just thought it was neighbor kids and didn't answer, since trying to stay cool.

Well early am I open the front door trying to cool the house and a business card from a sheriff drops to the floor with a note to me scribbled on the back to call him.

Well my heart sank. My first reaction, something happened to my h. Why does a sheriff come to your home unless death and wanting information? Of course, my body was shaking. I tried to call the sheriff back only got his v-mail. I tried reaching h and no answer.

Now I am left wondering what business does this sheriff have with me.

When is this nightmare going to end? I am sucked into a world I know nothing about.

Hi Glamgirl,

Dont have any words of wisdom, just wanted to let you know I hope it is nothing major.

well, the sheriff gets involved with foreclosure or i believe car reposession. maybe some other stuff but those are the 2 im dealing with now....i think u would know if your home was in foreclosure though. does h have a car he stopped paying?

I have no idea. No foreclosure or car repos. I am almost scared to call to see what they want. Not good for my nerves.

i know how u feel. my nerves are shot. when the rings, doorbell rings, getting the mail, my nerves are totally in an uproar, as if i just cant take another thing...if it were an emergency, if it were something really bad, they wouldnt just leave a note, they would call you.

I hear you md. My nerves are frazzled with all that has happened lately. They could be trying to serve me for what I do not know. Possible failed business that my h was involved with. I have no idea, but just want all of this mess to go away!

would they serve u for that? i dont know that the sheriff serves things like that, but i could be wrong. process servers usually do. the sheriff gets involved at the end of things like repo and foreclosure...maybe google it? keep calling the number back and call the police precinct. u know u did nothing wrong, maybe they are looking for him. its still frazzling but not your problem.

I did try googling md and like you said car repos and forclosure which neither would fit. I have to stop speculating and just hear what the sheriff says when I call. The problem I am a bit frozen out of fear at the moment and don't want to hear any more bad news.

How much more can I take. I am at a fragile state. This could send me over the edge.

u sound so much like me! i stopped getting the mail for days because of feeling this way. but call. u know u didnt do anything wrong and u would know if it was about your house. anything else is not so bad. and again, if it were really something serious, they would have called u. i bet he stopped paying his car or something.

Could my h be having me served with D papers? I am so sick to my stomach thinking about everything. What a mess!

No md it's not about the car., I know for a fact. He is not behind and neither am I. I am a wreck trying to rattle my brain thinking what could it be.

Hey G, hang on Sweetie. Knowledge is power, so it is best to know what it is about. Just take a deep breath and call. I know it must be so frightening, but, most times it is less horrible than we think.

I know you have been dealt some terrible blows of late, but, it really could be nothing earthshattering.

Either way, it has to be dealt with. So, dig in and I know you will handle it as you have everything else, with strength and dignity.

Hang in there.

Thanks BM. I know I shouldn't be scared to call, but I am. It's always about how much more bad news can I bare. I just feel so weak inside to be presented with more news, problems etc, which I feel I have NO resolutions.

I have to work today, up most of the night. I will call later in the day and see what he has to say when I get up enough courage. He could just show up on my doorstep again this evening.

Maybe call from work? You might feel more comfortable doing it with people around. Is there anyone sympathetic in your office who can be with you when you make the call?

Breath...

did u find out yet? if it makes u feel any better, i have a certified letter waiting for me at the post office from a name i cant even figure out. i have no idea what it is or who it is from...this is why i stopped getting the mail lol.

Hi glamgirl,

I am so sorry for all the things you have to go through. I can relate to your being scared. Like you I froze and my heart beat like crazy when somebody rang the door bell.

I just hope for you that it is nothing bad.(((HUGS)))

Glam,
What's the word? Was he trying to serve you papers regarding a divorce? I hope not, but that's the first thing that popped into my head. Why not have your h call them? If he's serving you w/papers, this may tip his hand.

Another thought...could the ow be serving him w/papers about the "child"?

I hope that you are okay.

Ok no word yet. H did not show in the am yesterday. I had to rush out and get s20 to help with the kids. Of course, I was concerned, shaking, had to go to work. Meetings all day that I couldn't get out of. How could I even focus at work. Wondering what happened to my h.

Later in the day he did call and said he was on his way to the house. He said he overslept. At least he was ok. I was so worried something had happened to him.

I haven't been able to reach the sheriff. I will try again later this evening. I am still scared to get that news whatever it might be. Another barrier to cross. God give me strength to deal with whatever it is.

I keep my personal life private from work. Nobody has a clue what I am going through. I am sure they just think I have this happy life with my h. I prefer it that way. I am a private person and don't want my dirty laundry out there. That is why when the sheriff comes knocking I am just like please make this all go away. He probably drove up in his squad car and advertised to the whole neighborhood. How lovely!

MD you sound like me. It was great though my postman came knocking at my door and had a certified letter for me. He said look it has no name, you don't know who it's from, I would need to check your ID if you sign, do you really want to accept this? You can just say refused delivery. I said ok that sounds great. Go postman! Made that decision for me.

any word yet on what sheriff wanted? im curious. did u mention it to your h? i am like u, i hid everything for so long that the sheriff showing up makes things too real. i still feel that way sometimes. like im still not admitting im moving, as if admitting it makes it real..im getting better at it though.

fill us in right away when u find out...

Well, you can be sure it is nothing good. Anything to do with a sheriff or certified mail never is.

Do not accept anything. You do not know if you are being served or your h is. I find it very unusual to have a certified letter come to your home and no name on it. Watch yourself. I don't like the sound of any of this.

do u know yet? im so wanting to know what its about! dont let the certified letter scare u, sometimes those are nothing important...

Ok gearing up courage today to call. For some that may sound strange, but this is really hard for me. I'm scared to find out what I don't know if that makes sense.

I mainly want to call him so he doesn't show up on my doorstep again or at my job, if they do that. How emabarrassing this whole thing is.

I did let h know, he said call him and he wanted me to do it right away. H said it's probably something about neighbors. I am not so sure about that. I really hope it's not more info about my h. I can't take anymore.

Yes Snodderly the certified letter had no return address or name. Had no idea who it might be from, so I went with my postman's suggestion and refused delivery.

This is all so strange and not how I live my life. At least, not until this whole MLC with h.

H is up to his usual hibernation techniques. He texted said he couldn't make it yesterday. I had to scramble to find childcare on top of a busy work day.

I find myself paranoid now when the doorbell rings or a car pulls up to the house. What a way to live your life. It so funny I feel like I need someone to hold my hand when I call the sheriff today. Stomach is in knotts. I know I am an adult, but not so sure how I got this way of feeling fear of the unknown. I just feel like so many things to process all at once.

i know how u feel. i so know how u feel! i had to pick up a certified letter today, couldnt figure out who it was from....but i went, and guess what, it was only a copy of my acceptance to the apt complex.

so sometimes it isnt so bad, isnt what we imagine.

good luck, ive been thinking of u...post as soon as u know what it is.

Ok so I called again. My hands and body were shaking. I know sounds crazy, but I am not sure if I can bare to hear anymore news regarding my h, if that is even what this is all about.

Just got his v-mail. Question, should I leave a message and my phone number? I am just so scared. Not at all sure how to handle this. Of course, my mind is racing and thoughts all over the place as to what this is all about.

H has assured me that he has NOT filed for D. I don't know what to think, but trying desperately to calm my nerves.

Yes! Pleasee leave a message so he will call you back. Or maybe you can find someone in his office that can help you. Finding out what it is will be soooo much better than this. I feel you on the nervousness.. I'm the same way. I have learned though that it's better just plow into it head on. Like ripping off the bandaid.

the sheriff wouldnt bring divorce papers, a process server would. could it be an order of protection against him? call and leave a message. honestly, if it were urgent, he would have been back.

MD what is an order of protection? Not sure what that is. Can you explain?

I am wondering if this has anything to do with those child support papers that came in the mail the other day for h. H took those so I have NO idea what they said or what the consequences might be if h did nothing.

Would they need to serve him some kind of papers?

Thanks SoC. I ripped off the bandaid and left a message. My hands were shaking, but I left a very calm and nice message, to give me a call back. I was so meek on that message, which is really not me, but with shaking and nerves it was the best I could do.

Now I just wait to see what happens from here.

Good job.

Ok I feel a little better now that I left that message. The anxiety has kicked in and is just now settling a little bit. It's amazing how your body reacts.

No call back, so who knows when that will happen. Could be days before I know anything. The wait is on! I will call back again next week if nothing has happened by Monday.

At least I took a step forward.

an order of protection is what i got to keep psycho ow away from me,,,,i had to call the sheriff before to check if she was served with it.

perhaps it has something to do with the child support papers, not sure.

be proud that u called, i know how u feel, im going through the same things.

check my thread for my latest drama, im going to post it now.

I would not think they would be serving my h with any kind of protection order. My h is a very kind man, no history of violance or scarry situations.

He is a depressed man that has made some poor choices with his life. I am sure those choices are what haunts him today.

MD I will check out your thread.

any news yet? sheriffs deliver summons, court papers like D, forclosure etc or bad news family member hurt or killed but you talked to your H..so hes alive!

Anew. No news yet. I left a message for the sheriff and he has not returned my call. I will call again on Monday if I don't hear from him by then.

My h is alive. H even encouraged me to call and find out what he wants. He doesn't think it is about himself.

I guess it couldn't have been too important or I would have recieved a call back. It did take me a few days to get some courage to call, so maybe the sheriff gave up and it wasn't much of anything.

Oh well, the waiting game!

interesting that u didnt hear back...i so wonder what it is about. something tells me it isnt for you

MD I guess if it is for me, then I will have to deal with whatever comes my way. Could all my problems just go away?

i think we should package our problems together and mail them somewhere out of our lives. i guess its not that simple.

i just dont think the sheriff is looking for you.

What we imagine is almost always waaaaay worse than reality. Keep calling.

Still have not heard anything. I will keep trying. Part of me says who cares, probably not about me anyway.

For some reason, my h and I got on the subject of vows and h mentioned how I didn't live up to them. Hmmmmm would we say that he has?

Unbelievable his thought process. Same guy that said what difference does it make if he slept with ow. Are you f'ing kidding me? What difference does it make? It made a difference to me? I cared about our m and my h. Did he ever care about me and my feelings?

I guess to my h, nothing matters. The only thing that matters are his selfish ways. It is really too much for me to process. His thought process is just so far out.

What is he really saying here? Like it doesn't matter how I treat people in this world. It doesn't matter how much I hurt you. It doesn't matter that I destroyed all the good in my life. It doesn't matter that I lie to you and then cover up a lie with another lie. It doesn't matter that I don't care what my family thinks of me. It doesn't matter what my kids think of me. It doesn't matter what my w thinks of me.

All that matters is what I think of myself. I find the thought process so destructive and hurtful. Do they ever see the destruction they have caused by their poor choices or do they live in denial forever?

Hi Glam, been a while since I posted but just caught up with you.
As for the question

Quote:

Do they ever see the destruction they have caused by their poor choices or do they live in denial forever?

I think some do stay in denial for ever.
Short of them actually voicing it to us we will never know.
I thought you and H had stopped contact and you had dropped the rope and had no expectations? I guess I had that wrong,weren't you talking of moving away or have I got the wrong poster? Apologies if I am completely off track.
I think you just have to accept that your H does not in any shape or form think as you do.
These questions will keep you stuck and as there are no answers the questions just recycle themselves.

Hope you get an answer to the sherrif thingy.
Take care.

I think MOST stay in denial. As I have said countless times on here. People in general will not admit they have done wrong, now before I get jumped on by the ultra positives here, MOST will not admit they have done wrong, a few will, but a very few. As for Glam. honey, your H is an ass, idiot, selfish, spoiled brat. Why you continue to enable that behavior is beyond me, but its your life to live.

Naej and BH thanks for stopping by. Yes Naej I would like to move away, but not all that easy. Working on my future and where that goes, which could include a move.

As far as contact with h, I am firm but friendly. No contact other than the kids now and then. I wouldn't say I have expectations necessarily,but I do want answers. I guess that is where dropping the rope comes in. It's hard to have closure and drop the rope when there are so many unanswered questions for me, but you are right I probably will never get them and if I did would I be able to understand the answers.

BH I don't feel I enable my h's behavior. I hardly have any contact with him. I can't force him to act anyway other than what he does. I am friendly but firm. This man is in my life since we have kids. What is most important for me and our children is to co-parent in a healthy way.

I most certainly don't want to be stuck. I do admit I am still in a state of shock expeciallly with this latest development. It still is hard for me to look at my h and accept him for who he is today. Looking at his family and the person he was when we met, it's hard to process this is who he is, the selfish choices he made, and the mess he has made of his life.

He really did not fit that mold. He was raised to be respectable, he had good role models for men growing up. Now my first h fit the mold. It was much easier to accept. My h I thought was so much smarter and talented than what he has shown. Maybe I have given him so much more credit, but it's so hard to look at him today and wonder how his life got so far off course and why he would allow that. Why he would allow that is what baffles me.

I guess that is the part Naej that I just need to let go. He is human and he will make mistakes. I guess I just wasn't prepared for him to make the kind of mistakes he did and to continue to make those mistakes and not want to do anything to fix it.

I guess this could be why my h sarcastically said to me one day you are so perfect and judgmental. No I wouldn't say that, I just held my h in such high regards, it's so very hard to look at him and accept that this is who he is today. I always think of his family and his brothers and how my h would teach and coach them in life and now he is so far away from the values that I thought were instilled in him.

Acceptance is what I will need to put closure to all of this mess. Understanding is something I will probably never get.

Glam. I don't mean to sound like a smart A, but sometimes tough love is best, so here goes. Yes, you do enable this man's behaviour, and I say that for these reasons: 1st, this man does anything he wants, you told him not long ago after you asked him to come back and he refused that this was it, next day he was over there and had you in an intimate way. 2nd, you expect him to help you with things, he says he will, he texts you 95% of the time with some B.S. reason why he can't or won't come over. 3rd you say that you have to "coparent" with him? Hell, where is the coparenting with this man? What does he ever do with his kids or to help you with him? Glam. what you have here is a case of cake eating in the classic way. This man has you EXACTLY where he wants you, he knows you aren't going anywhere or doing anything, so why change the way he acts? If you want something different, you have to change some things you are doing, period! If not, you will live the rest of your life as you are right now, nothing will change!

BH I don't expect you to understand or anyone for that matter. You only read what is written, not what I feel or see.

The past 30 days I have made changes and I am firm and friendly. Doesn't mean I am standing and waiting any longer for my h to make a move. What it means is that I have moved on with my life and treat h as a friend. I have no reason to treat him any differently or any less than a friend. Yes he has made mistakes, but no reason to be bitter. Dissappointed and sad yes, but life is too short to hold that against him. He is a flawed human.

I don't expect him to do things. I do expect him to watch the kids a few days a week while I work, so if that is expecting something then yes I do expect things. I should expect that of him. He is the other parent. Yes I get dissappointed when he text and he can't make it, but doesn't mean I am standing around waiting for him to move home. It means I was dissappointed by a friend, nothing more nothing less.

I get the fact my h is not returning and doesn't want to. Doesn't mean I am expecting him to move home or waiting around for him. Yes in the past I was, but we were going to mc, my h was making progress, we were moving in the right direction.

Everything has changed BH. Doesn't mean I am standing around waiting for my h, means that I do have a life, I am moving forward.

Part of moving forward is finding closure. Finding closure for me is answers. If the expecation is no contact or close to that, that is NOT my style. I am moving forward in my own pace and for me no one else.

My h will always be my friend. He was afterall my life long partner. Doesn't mean I can rely on him like I did during our m, but he is still a friend and a friend in crisis.

I am proud of standing by my h the way I did. I am not a heartless person and I am not afraid of others thinking he is walking all over me and cake eating. I gave unconditional love and if my h took advantage of that it's ok. God will bless me 10 fold. I have faith and wouldn't change how I treated my h in any way shape or form. It will not go unnoticed by God.

What good is love if you don't share it. One day my h will see the light, he just can't see it now.

My new motto:

Acceptance is what I will need to put closure to all of this mess. Understanding is something I will probably never get.

Well the sheriff showed back up. It was a very strange situation. A neighbor was watching s7 and they were 11.

The door was answered and the next thing I am getting a call from s7 saying the police want to talk to you. I take the call, they say we have papers to serve you and by the way your son can't be home without someone over 12 watching him.

What a nightmare. I had to rush home. They served me with some debt papers from like 3 years ago. I am amazed that they involve the police for this kind of stuff. A debt under $1000. Amazing.

Looking for a lawyer at this point. I just have a whole heap of legal issues. I was shaking so bad, I thought they were going to arrest me due to son being home without someone watching him over 12.

Well at least I know what the sheriff wanted now. Amazing!

I need a drink and I don't even drink.

Glam,
Well, the mystery is solved. Is this your debt or his? If it's his or joint debt, he will need to get involved. I'm surprised that a a police department would be involved in serving such papers, but it sounds like they are taking you to court, maybe small claims court. I think you are wise in getting a lawyer. It never ends, does it?

Please take care of yourself.

Checking on GG.

Update:

I came here to save my marriage. That didn�t happen. What did happen is that I found myself. I have a better understanding of who I am and what I want out of life. I was not a good DB�er. I did my best, but seemed to always blurt things out before thinking. That was so hard for me. Just found it hard to control my mouth.

What I did do well, is have patience with my h. I spent a long 3 years waiting for my h to return home. Just like many of you, I had the hope and desire that he would return. I prayed daily for my h, that he would have the desire to want to return and be with his family. That didn�t happen. I prayed for signs and wisdom from God on what to do and say. Patience was the hardest thing I had to learn. I kept asking God what was it that I was suppose to learn from this whole ugly experience. I wasn�t sure, what I could possibly learn. Well, I think that God was trying to teach me patience, understanding and forgiveness. Probably qualities I lacked prior to all this happening.

One of the best things that happened was that I focused on getting healthy and fit. I currently spend 6-7 days working out, eating a clean diet. So far I have lost 20 lbs, over the course of 15 months and lost 6% body fat. I dropped 2 sizes. My goal is to lose another 20 lbs and another 10% body fat. I am finding clothes in my closet that I haven�t worn in years. I look better now than I have in 5 years. So this has been a real plus.

The hardest part of this journey was to accept my h for the person he really is today. I really didn�t think my h had it in him to do the things that he did and then not want to do anything about it. I lived much of the past 3 years in denial. Once I got out of that denial I could see my h for who he really was. Not a bad person inside, but a person that for whatever reason made poor choices and then didn�t know or didn�t want to do anything about those choices. The problem is when they make those poor choices they affect all those who�s lives they touch.

I had many questions that never got answered. I spent a great deal of time wondering why and was stuck for the longest time. For me, I guess if I just knew why then maybe some of what my h did would make sense. Well those answers never came, nor do I ever expect those questions to be answered. Some how today it doesn�t really matter anymore. I guess that is what happens when you let go and move on.

As far as my relationship with my h, we will be good co-parents to the kids. I should consider myself grateful that my h is somewhat involved in their lives. The most saddest part of all of this is the abandonment of the kids. I am an adult I can process this much better, but for the kids I see how they hurt and feel. I see the awkwardness of when the neighbor kids taunt them with questions as to where is your dad, why doesn�t he live with you. Bless s7 he defends his dad and makes an excuse for him. How sad that at such and early age they being taught secrecy and excuses. I also see the kids disappointment when they ask their dad why he doesn�t live in the home and my h has NO response for them. My heart aches for them. Not for me! I can manage through my feelings better. All I can do is be the best mom that they could possibly ask for. I did it with s20 and can do it with s7 and d5 too.

We most recently got a puppy. He will be arriving early Oct. The kids are excited and can�t wait. He won�t be much of a guard dog, but now I can hopefully feel a sense of security in the home. It�s one thing that I miss the most not having a man around should something terrible happen. For some reason, I fear someone breaking in. We live in a good neighborhood, but still anything can happen.

As far as my h, nothing was ever resolved with his issues that have come up. He doesn�t choose to include me in his life or every day dealings. This is where I finally had to get it that my h was NO longer my concern. My h did share with me that he didn�t want to return and be a part of our family in that respect. He wants to be part of his kids lives, but not in the caretaker capacity living in the home. He point blank said because �he doesn�t want to�. That was hard to hear, but it really helped me to clearly accept him for who he is today. Once you get to acceptance, you have no where else to go but forward. Once you accept they are not returning it�s easier to plan your future.

How am I doing? I have my good days and bad. I still spend time grieving over the lost relationship. I think for me, since I most recently accepted h not returning I am still going through the grieving. I am just most sadly that we let our kids down. Meaning, they were just so young to not have both parents in the home. They will be forever scarred. I know this will affect them as adults. The whole abandonment issue. I am also so sorry that my h couldn�t see that or if he did that he didn�t want to fix it.

If you look hard enough you can find a silver lining. It has been interesting. My ex from first marriage has been in contact with me. We are re-hashing the past. My ex so regrets loosing me. He said he kicks himself everyday for being so stupid. Yeah, that makes me feel good, but also sad that it had to take all the pain and 15 years later to see it, but at least the apology came even if it�s too late and years later. He finally saw the light and has a relationship with God. I was so happy to hear that. He has invited me to come bring the kids and move in with him. He says he would take care of me. That was nice to hear, after all these years. S20 will be seeing him in Oct when he goes to visit for his 21st birthday. See some good does come out from all the bad. Maybe another lesson God was showing me in all of this.

Me? I look forward to the future and am excited about the prospect of meeting someone to share the rest of my life with. I so wanted that to be my h, but I had to let go of that and finally face reality. Sometimes you just need to let go to allow newness and freshness in. I started signing up for some meet-up groups and have most recently gone back to church. For the longest time I was so buried with all the pain, I couldn�t even think about having time for a friend. This is not what I expected for my later years, but am doing the best that I can ask of myself to embrace the life that was bestowed upon me. Every time I get a little down I reach out to God and he is right there to pick me up and carry me until I can stand again.

I don�t post much anymore, but do read now and then to check up on those that gave me so much encouragement when I needed it the most. Thanks to all that lifted my spirits when I was so down. If you find yourself here I hope your journey is enlightening and that you find much comfort in the words of others.

God Bless!

Glam

Hey GG, I have though about you often. We all get to a place of acceptance and letting go when we do. There is no right time or right way. Just your way.

I am sorry that your marriage wasnt restored. But I am so happy that you have found you. That is the most important thing in the world. Once we find ourselves, we find our way. And then we can concentrate on the people and things that make our life richer.

So, my friend, you are a success story. You need to go through the whole process and I have no doubt you will come out the other side happy and healthy.

You are a wonderful, compassionate, loyal person. I know there is someone out there who will appreciate that one day.

Do check in from time to time. Let us know how you are doing.

GG
we started posting around the same time
You are quite n inspiration
Yes, we come to learn the lessons we need the most I guess
and I realize this journey was absolutely needed for me
Unfortunely our spouses wanted the other road, one that maybe appeared more fun, easier or prettier
they couldnt see the choices would lead to destruction
some worse than others
So happy your H is at least steeping to plate as a co parent part time
soem do not and mine is fading quick into his disastrous choices
we cant save them
we were not meant to
so neat that your first H can see the light even years later, he is still thinking about what he lost
You will create all you want b./c you have the thing you needed yourself
peace

Same here guys. I started around the same time. Mine is not even close to reconciling. I guess I really don't want the man he has become. I don't like what happened, but I will accept whatever gods' plan is. One really beautiful thing that happened out of all this is the wonderful people I have had the chance to meet and talk with on this site...

Hi glamgirl,

Just wanted to wish you a good day and keep looking ahead. I am so sorry that it didn't work out between you and your H.

I found it very intersting that your XH finally noticed after 15 years that he made a mistake and is kicking himself to have let you go!! Thank you for letting us know. It is obvious that at one point they do wake up.

Take care and have a nice week.

GG you took my thoughts and put them on here.. i too found myself. well said.. well thought and well lived.. you are amazing!

You totally rock, my friend!!!!

But then, you know that!!

(((((((BIG HUGS)))))))

H's family called and his mother went to ER last night. I texted h and let him know. NO response from him. I asked in the text if he wanted to go to CA to see her. It sounds serious, so not really sure at this time what is happening. She was experiencing chest pains, but had bypass surgery about 5 years ago.

H and I have a good co-parenting R now. He did say he would like to talk with me on Sunday. Not sure what that means, nor will I try to figure anything out.

Getting everything ready for arrival of new puppy in 12 days. The count down is on. Staying focused on me and the kids.

Wow, I hope your MIL is OK.

You'll have to call me with the scoop on what he has to say tomorrow!

((((HUGS))))

Well MIL is ok. She is under observation for the next 72 hours and then they are sending her home if all goes well. H wouldn't even speak to his family. I guess he will continue to act as if his family means nothing to him. How sad.

H didn't have the discussion with me on Sunday that he so promised. Not holding my breath.

Life goes on. S20 turns 21 this week. Wow, where does life go?

Originally Posted By: glamgirl

..... H wouldn't even speak to his family. I guess he will continue to act as if his family means nothing to him. How sad.

Yes, it is sad!!

Originally Posted By: glamgirl

..... Not holding my breath.

Good thing...... you might pop a blood vessel or something!!

(((((my friend)))))

Hi glamgirl,

Just stopping by to say hi and wishing you a lovely week-end. (((HUGS)))

How are you GG?

Thanks for asking. I am doing really great thank you. It's amazing what happens when you stop focusing and obsessing with h.

I have been so busy with new puppy. He has been a great addition to the family and the kids just love having him. He is a lot of work, but hopefully this is just the puppy stages.

I am also in the early stages of launching a fitness business with my h. I know that may sound strange to some, but this is strictly business. If there is anyone that I would go into business with it is my h. He is a maniac when it comes to business. So far that is going well. We will be launching the business on Nov 1st. Never thought I would be doing this but I have been praying daily for God's direction.

It was amazing, I watch an early religous broadcasting daily and from that God gave me a message. I was blow drying my hair and I had the TV on in the bedroom. Close enough to hear in between getting ready. The program was about having faith and doing as God tells you to do and you will be rewarded. Before that message, my left ear went deaf. Couldn't hear out of it. For me to hear the message I had to go to the TV. Once God knew I heard the message my hearing was restored. It was quite weird, but I guess not if we think of how God speaks to us.

So at this time, just continuing to pray and have faith in God that whatever and wherever my life is suppose to go, that it will be directed by God. I have no expectations and have found some peace with my situation.

Fitness wise I continue to see progress, hence the fitness business. I am in a good place right now. Couldn't ask for much more.

Putting my time, engergy, and focus on my family and business has really helped me to move forward and heal.

GG, the heartache is hard to deal with, but I think it is possible to come out of this feeling better about ourselves. It is not an easy journey.

Checking on GG.

Hi glamgirl,�

Just popping by to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Take care.

Merry Christmas All! Thanks to all those that have checked on me. I continue to move forward. 2010 will be a good year for me.

My sis is visiting for the holidays. We had a great time. I haven't posted here much, but think of this board often. I am healthy, focused on me and the kids, and moving forward the best I know how.

I dressed up today for the first time on Christmas in 4 years and actually got out of the house to socialize. This was good for me and my outlook on life.

Not what I wanted for my life, but I have done my best with picking up the pieces to a shattered marriage and have moved forward the best way I know how.

Looking for 2010 as a year of NEW BEGINNINGS!

I hope everyone has a blessed HOLIDAY!

GG
Thanks for the update
glad you are doing well and moving forward
peace

Glam. are you still married or did you guys get divorced? How is the fitness business going?

Glam - looking for some updates on your sitch....but I guess you are not posting as this is the freshest tread that I've found. I know that you've R with your H...hope everything is going well.

All the best

(((hugs)))

GG
How are things

Glam,

Yes, after reading your posts on others' threads, wondering if you have shared somewhere what happened in your situation and how things are going?

GAG