Hi
I reflected on this after reading another persons thread
And In Yoga I wondered?
Should the OP Know the path we have walked for the past few years?
I wondered why should the OP Have the LUXERY of walking away with our spouses, sometimes creating real relationships or M with them and never knowing the real truth??
The destruction they were part of
the pains we have endured
the lies we were told
the nights we spent waiting up till 5 am for WAS to get home( from OW)
the sleepless night
the weight loss
the childrens tears
our tears
our familes burdens
the financial ruin
years of therapy, reflection on our M, amends to our spouses
everything we went thru ( in short)
Not to place Guilt-- BUT I believe to shed truth and light--
they can walk away with our H, but let them walk with the full truth of the A and what it created for everyone...not into la la land like it was just all OK and everyone was fine!
I have to give this more thought
I know DB would say do Not send letter
But, I would like your individual OPINIONS on this
this is not to get H back or hurt them or break them up
this is for closure
I would hate to end this with everyone still believing it was all ok
any thoughts appreciated..
peace
Well, I can speak on this. Since my stbx has been basically living a double life. Telling me one thing, begging to come back, blahblah, and telling the little girl the total oposite thing. That I'm the one bugging him...
I have thought many times, that she should know what a psycho she is dealing with. She is obviously too young and easily manipulated to see through the bs.
BUT...
On the other hand, I don't really think the op cares!! They know that the person is married, has kids, all that jazz, and they obviously don't care. Not the shining examples of morality, these people. i mean really, think about it. If they cared what the kids, or anyone else went through, they would not participate in this relationship.
Someone a long time ago, sorry can't remember who, told me that the OP is always "broken" in some way too. And it is true. So, trying to put reason in front of two broken people, or make them see what they have done, is fruitless...
Just my opinion, and I do understand exactly where you are coming from. You don't know how many times I have wanted to forward j's text messages to the little girl. Not because I want him back, just because I want her to know he is a liar. But, i haven't, and I won't.
Hey Peace, I agree with my girl, SO.
Here are my thoughts:
These people know they are doing the wrong thing and they dont care.
They wont be hearing you because they dont want to hear you. They want to continue to live in their little fantasy world.
You would just be spinning your wheels.
I would not give them the satisfaction of knowing how much damage they did because I think they get off on it.
Peace, you are so special and have come so far, dont give them any of your headspace, really. To hell with them.
They will have to live with what they have done and they will have have to face God one day.
Let them blow in the wind.
You hold your head up and know that you acted with dignity and honor, my friend.
Awwww, B!!! I'm so proud to be your girl!! LOL
I pretty much agree with these two fine upstanding young ladies.
Our ex's or stbx's or mlc'ers or abcde'ers.
Do not want to hear they have problems from anyone. Deep down I think they have a clue that they are not right, but many things stand in the way for them to come to that realization. Denial, fear, pride whatever it may be.
It will fall on deaf ears and actually most likely be projected back at you in one way, shape, or form.
OP's are all jacked up too, yes they are just as broke.
I would say in time the OP would find out about all the lies on their own and maybe one day will probably have to experience the same pain that we have.
I agree. The OP does not care. It's not until it happens to them that the light comes on.
Obviously if they did care, they wouldn't have done it in the first place.
Just leave it be. Karma is a b*tch when it happens to them.
Plus your H's OW is so young, she's going to find out the hard way.
My lawyer told me about a client that was moaning about his wife having an affair. It turns out that the client was the OM that lead to his wife leaving her prior marriage to be with him. My lawyer just pointed out to him the hypocrisy and the fact that if his wife cheated to be with him there was nothing stopping her from cheating again.
I say let these OP learn the hard way.
Honestly, the OP will not pay attention to the letter. I'm sure they will think it is a ploy.
The OW in my situation was a WAS also. Not only did my xh ruin our family but she ruined hers...and for what? Not a damn thing as they are not together anymore. My xh has moved on to a new woman and left her behind. Did she take it lightly? Nope. She stalks him and harrassed him to the point he had to get his cell # changed. He had to give up his precious volleyball that he played 7 nights a week (with her of course) and everything else he enjoyed just to stay away from her.
I find it rather humorous now. I see her at times and want to say things to her but I am the bigger person and I keep my mouth shut. At our daughters graduation I was standing next to xh and she walked by. I know it kills her to see him and I together because she thinks if he can still be friends with me then he can be with her too. Of course I did move a little closer to xh and whisper something in his ear just to piss her off. (I said I was the bigger person, not that I was made of steel) LoL!
I think writing the letter is just a waste of time. Let them walk away with our spouses and deal with the backlash that I am sure will be in their lives sooner or later. They will pay the price one day.
Peace,
Don't waste your time and energy thinking that the OP would have the slightest care as to what they've done or what we've endured. I know that the HO in my situation didn't give a care about what she was doing. I look at the two "kids" and that's exactly how they are acting out and think....that sand box has to run empty of sand pretty soon.
Bottom line, don't go there. We will and are seen as the awful people that are spouses had to run from. The best way for them to see just what transpired is to sit back and allow them to feed off of each other and one day, they will self destruct, more so when the money runs out and the good times come to an end.
All I have to say is, Trapt called me a young lady, sigh, you made my day, T.
i understand why u want to contact op.
i have spoken to pyscho ow on too many occasions, it has gotten me nowhere.
although, i have peace in knowing i told her the truth and she can do what she wants with it.
i know she was lied to, i know she didnt think she was getting involved with a married man.
i know he told her we were divorced...then slowly, the truth started coming out and he kept covering it and covering it and covering it.
i told her everything. i heard her circling in our conversation, totally fed up with him and the stories...YET, she is still with him (atleast i believe so)
if i had spoken to her or not, the truth would have come out anyway.
and they do what they want with it.
he is still lying to her, although not sure how much longer he can keep it up.
i so understand how u feel...
Peace- my answer is no.
write the letter - burn it and let that be that.
i had talked with ow - she knew my heart- she knew what she destroyed - and you know what. they don't see it. we come off either pathetic or psycho. it reaffirms everything that our x's have probably said about us.
right after my x attempted suicide i had the "pleasure" of dealing with ow.. in one conversation i asked her i had told her about our boat that she now enjoyed. i asked her if he told her about where we got it? when we got it? how we went as a family... all of it. she had no idea.. and didn't really care.
there were other conversations.. but see they are just a stupidly blinded as our x's. they want what they want. that is why tehy got involved with a married man/woman they don't care.
I'd have to agree with everyone else. They do not care or they wouldn't have gotten involved. They are interested in what they can get for themselves.
Some are gold diggers. Many are naive and broken. They are poor risks and are likely to either cheat themselves or be cheated on again. The OW in my scene had a father who cheated on her mother.
At any rate, I'd be curious to know how many last more than say, seven years.
I'd also note that while most cling on like death, I have seen very few instances of marriage to OP on this board, and even when there is M, it doesn't seem to be much happier, if at all happier, than it was with us.
I am trying to prepare emotionally that H wants to marry OW, or said he did, but I remember the story my friend told me: it took 10 years but her X's OP has shown her true colors and X is not happy. She feels vindicated.
It may take years for reality to truly intervene, but it always does.
Peace
You would be doing it for yourself..not really to open her eyes or heart about anything.
And it's for that reason, that I believe it would only return to you more negativity.
I can't believe that any OP doesn't know the damage and hurt that they've contributed to the family of the person they've become involved with. They didn't care then...they won't care now. The only instance where I can see it making a difference is if the OP never had an idea that the person they're involved with is married w/family.
It is so easy for us LBS to blame the OP for more than 50% of the affair and 100% cause of our situation. We want to forget that our beloved spouses are the ones that had a choice in the matter. To me, that gives them(WAS) way more than 50% of the responsibility of the destruction that always follows...if not 100%.
Telling the OP what they've contributed to is only going to make them closer to the WAS...they BOTH will feel that it's 'them' against 'you'. They have to have enough time with each other to really start to see all the faults and warts of the other, to see the true colors and personality weaknesses..the same ones that we LBS eventually saw, but overlooked because of our love and commitment to our spouse. When they are faced with their 'less than perfect' affair partner, when the newness is gone..then both the OP and the WAS may wish they had made much different choices in the beginning.
As much as it might lighten your load to unburden to the OP what they helped cause, try to remember they already have a pretty good idea...as does your spouse...and at this point in time it doesn't really make much of an impression on them.
As someone else suggested, write it down...then burn it up.
Peace,
Hi Sweetie, I hope you don't mind my answering here, but Lingy mentioned she'd read your post and I wanted to check it out and see what others have said. I've combined pieces of your email and your post here for your response.
I want to write a letter to OW and mail it telling her the truth
the destruction she was part of
- the pains we have endured
- the lies we were told
- the nights we spent waiting up till 5 am for WAS to get home (from OW)
- the sleepless night
- the weight loss
- the childrens tears
- our tears
- our familes burdens
- the financial ruin
- years of therapy, reflection on our M, amends to our spouses
- everything we went thru ( in short)
I would probably do it in such a way as to point out facts not place any blame on either of them
Years ago I wrote a letter to my MIL--she'd said some rude and mean things on multiple occasions and when leaving her house I was sometimes in tears. Before sending it I read the letter to several people, to assure that it was not rude and immature, but well-thought out. My Mom recommended the therapeutic approach--burn it. Personally I hate that approach. My purpose was not self-therapy but to cause a change and that would not happen if my MIL did not read the letter.
Well, I sent it and do not regret my actions. My MIL has never mentioned it to me, but she's also never accused us of lying since. But years later, through my SIL, I learned some of her reactions to the letter. MIL thought it was mean or rude and never showed it to my FIL because she was afraid it would upset him. Instead she called her daughter (other SIL). She destroyed the letter immediately; I don't know if that SIL read the letter or only heard my MIL's perceptions. It seems the letter--her perceptions, not the contents, made the rounds of the siblings; I found out that it was infamous! I still do not regret sending it, but she did not receive or perceive it with anything remotely close to an open mind--okay, I should have expected that, her mind has never been opened.
Not to place Guilt--BUT I believe to shed truth and light--
they can walk away with our H, but let them walk with the full truth of the A and what it created for everyone...not into la la land like it was just all OK and everyone was fine!
I feel like I do not want to close/end this with THEM walking away thinking it was just really OK
this is not to get H back or hurt them or break them up, this is for closure
Its a way for me to protect myself, to live in the TRUTH
and If OW and I have any future contact, at least I feel I got my truth out and there will be No R
Yes, and I want to say no also. But at the same time, I understand.
therapy would say write the letter and don't send it
So why do you want to write it?
Personal therapy?
To change behaviours?
You know that writing such a letter will likely have no impact on her behaviour--unless it is a retaliatory reaction. Oh, it could plant hypnotic seeds that may grow someday, but you may never recognize the connections.
It sounds to me as though your purpose is personal therapy… to live in the TRUTH
I want Her to know the pain I've been thru
maybe now its over and doesn't matter as I really cant see H and I together again
but why does she get to walk away forever in denial…that is not right
maybe I could also state I am working and praying for forgiveness...as that is also truth
They wont be hearing you because they dont want to hear you. They want to continue to live in their little fantasy world.
You would just be spinning your wheels.
I would not give them the satisfaction of knowing how much damage they did because I think they get off on it.
Maybe, maybe not. It depends on her own level of arrogance, true confidence and personal self-worth as well as your own levels of those same things. But it is something to consider.
I would say in time the OP would find out about all the lies on their own and maybe one day will probably have to experience the same pain that we have.
Honestly, the OP will not pay attention to the letter. I'm sure they will think it is a ploy.
Some are gold diggers. Many are naive and broken. They are poor risks and are likely to either cheat themselves or be cheated on again.
What do you know about her?
What was her motivation for having an affair with your MLCer?
- She's young, so maybe she's naïve, lacking enough life experience to know that men who cheat are not reliable in relationships. She may truly think your marriage was bad--due to what he has told her--and that you are a psycho-b*tch. And he is her Knight in Shining Armour.
- Or maybe she's a Narcissist who deliberately preys on married men. Your letter will be a thrill for her; it means you are noticing and this will fuel her power.
- Or maybe she's a Borderline who will stalk and threaten him or you and may become violent. She thinks he's her soul mate and has said she will not give up--ever.
- Or she could be Histrionic. She is beautiful and values herself through her sexuality. She'll F%$* anyone willing. In that case, she'll cheat on your MLCer soon if she's not already cheating on him.
- Even if she's none of these, she could be caught in the hormones of in-fatuation. That's not an excuse, but it is a reality. Her perceptions are impaired and until those hormones wane, she will fight, cling and defend her relationship with your MLCer. It is common for woman to believe that infidelity is not justified in most cases, but there is an exception if they are truly in-love. When caught in the addiction it is almost impossible to believe in the remotest possibility there will be a crash someday.
You would be doing it for yourself..not really to open her eyes or heart about anything.
And it's for that reason, that I believe it would only return to you more negativity.
Okay, because you know that you've at least had your say and for that the letter must be sent. I get that.
It is so easy for us LBS to blame the OP for more than 50% of the affair and 100% cause of our situation. We want to forget that our beloved spouses are the ones that had a choice in the matter. To me, that gives them (WAS) way more than 50% of the responsibility of the destruction that always follows...if not 100%.
As much as it might lighten your load to unburden to the OP what they helped cause, try to remember they already have a pretty good idea...as does your spouse...and at this point in time it doesn't really make much of an impression on them.
But what if she reacts directly at you. What happens to your fantasy? What if she retaliates? What if she threatens you? What if she taunts you? What if she references your parenting skills and your children?
Will you be able to handle such possibilities? Understand that by sending the letter you are stepping out of fantast and opening a line of communication. She may not use it, but she may and if she does, are you prepared?
We all have our fantasies. We want the OW in jail, dead, naked pictures on billboards, fired, cheated on and hurt… We want out MLCer miserable when not with us, in jail, hurting, icy-hot in his briefs…
We fantasize about hearing remorseful apologies; but such things are beyond our control.
And we fantasize about having our say. Who here has not wanted to give either or both the MLCer and OW a piece of their minds?
Burning a letter or merely fantasizing alone may be therapeutic for some, but I know that doesn't work for me. I have to share my fantasies; otherwise I am not releasing them. I called Lingy or posted so that I share, laugh with everyone else and receive feedback if I needed it.
So write your letter. Then revise it at least twice. Post it here and continue to revise it according to the feedback you receive. Write a kind letter that shows your goal of forgiveness. Continue to revise until you feel satisfied that your voice comes through with Peace and Strength and that your message is clear. Post the revisions throughout the process.
Then ask yourself if that is enough. You may no longer feel the need to send it. And if you still want to send it, go ahead. Everyone else may disagree and cringe. But in the end the choice is yours and whether you feel better or worse; you will not be bashed and abandoned—at least not by me.
Feel free to either email me revisions or simply let me know when you post here and I'll try to check it out along with everyone's suggestions.
HUGS
i happen to think that is a terrific idea - write the letter, write several versions until u are totally thrilled with what u are saying ---- and then decide if u want to send it.
i bet, once u have perfected it, u wont send it. u will have had the pleasure and satisfaction in writing it, it may be enough.
if not, hold it a few days and decide if u want to send it.
I have a different take on things then most people here. If you are still trying to save your R then I would say don't write the letter, but if things are really through, then I think you should and here is why.
I liken these affairs to major crisis and oppression in our world. They harm so many people and emotionally wound and break them. The finances take a windfall. Many people on here post how their cheating spouse had a parent who cheated or wasn't a good parent to them and that they think they have childhood issues. Well now these new spouses are creating another generation of people who will grow up with repressed issues and create new havoc and pain if they act out on them in the same way.
So, because I see this whole issue as a major social crisis, I view it in terms of other historical social movements.
I'm sure there were many blacks who said, no, don't try to sit in the front of the bus cause no one cares, the whites will never change, they know what they are doing is wrong, they don't care etc. etc. etc.
There were enviormentalists and hippies who thought the general population would never care about the Ozone layer or the atmosphere or global warming. Their were women who thought women would never get to vote, why even try etc.
The point is, do we just sit here and watch injustice and cruelty repeat itself? Or do we call it for what it is. INFORM people about it and put it out there. Slowly people may change.
I think that it would be awesome for you to let OP know the damage that they caused. I think it would be great for you to do it in a way that is as informative as possible.
I think it would be great for them to know what role they played. They may not respond. They may continue to fill their facebook up with smiling and kissy photos. They may act like they have done no wrong. But I think it will affect them, whether they admit it or not. And I also think that it will feel good for you to get it off your chest.
Truth always wins in the end. Even Rome only lasted a thousand years, but the truth will live on forever.
WOW
thank you all so much for your thoughtful posts
I was ready to give up the idea until I read your post whitelight
and now I need to give it more thought
if my R with XH is really over..does it matter?
I would inform OW in the best way..i would have help with the letter and it would be
to the point
and in the end, she can walk away with Xh and the total truth
but the BS will be forvever over
and my side of street will be clean
she will never have to wonder if it WAS OK?
I will never have to wonder and be angry for not telling my truth\
and she can determine on her own if I am a pyscho
XH and I are going to parenting therapy in the next few weeks
I think I decided on therapist
I will not send anything until our sessions are complete
still in love:
thank you for visiting
I loved your desciption of the possible personality disorders of xh OW
your friendship and wisdom has helped throughout the journey
thank you all
peace
Okay, here's my question: If you tell your _WAS_ the truth, will they accept it as truth or will they discount it and make excuses and think of you as a pathetic, manipulative person grasping at straws?
I think that unless OP really and truly had no idea that WAS was M, then it's very likely that OP is cut from the same cloth as WAS. Are they going to feel guilty or change their feelings or behavior if you lay it all out for them? Probably not. Are they going to twist whatever you say to make it fit their warped worldview? Very likely.
I suspect that most people in adulterous R's, whether they are M themselves or not, are categorically unable to mentally assimilate what the LBS has to say. It would completely burst their bubble, so they will figure out a way around the truth so that they don't have to look themselves in the mirror and gasp, "What have I done?"
In short, I think it would most likely be useless at best and detrimental at worst, in terms of results in any of the R's involved, and would most likely give you a net loss in your life. I really think that writing it and burning it would give you better results long-term.
JMHO.
Peace,
Dawn
Peace,
I too was not for writing the letter until I read Whitelight's reasoning. Now I'm not so sure.
I will share with you that I am the child of a D. My mother was a WAS who married OM and it has lasted over 25 years. In these years I have learned that I have a wonderful stepfather when I look beyond the slime of the OP persona. However, my mother, has not had the same experience. She left my father, for a man just like my father. Many times she has thought of another D but she hasn't done it because she says she will find someone else with the same issues. I guess she sort of learned one lesson (LOL). To this day, she still refuses to see the damage she did to me and my sister. No matter how often or in how many ways we tell her, she just doesn't understand. I don't know if stepfather does or not. Now that I am facing D, all she can say is "now maybe you can understand why I did what I did." I can't but I don't run from my problems so....
My point with that is simply that writing the letter will make you feel better. But I doubt very much that it will make any sort of difference in the thinking of the OP or H. Write it and burn it. It will get the negativity out of you. It will help you to heal.
Peace,
There was a time when I would have told you that you were wasting your time. I have been on this path for almost 7 years and certainly understand a whole more now than I did then. Being in the business of helping others work through their personal problems, I should have seen more clearly exactly what was going on in my own life.
If you really feel you have nothing to lose then do it. After my divorce I too sent a letter to my ex. In retrospect I now see that it was much to early in his MLC travels for him to even consider anything that I had to say. In fact his response as I remember it was, "you must know someone that you can talk to because you obviously are having trouble with acceptiance and moving on." Another blow to the gut.
Fast forward 7 years. My ex now sees things in a very different light. He has referred to the letter and told me how it "made him angry because he still felt that I was trying to control him." The strange thing was that he kept it. From time to time he would run across it and had to deal with what he had done to his family. I never did ask him if he would re-read it, but I do know that just seeing it made him have to deal with the pain and hurt that he left in his wake. He now understands the damage that he has done and has even started with the apologies by trying to right some wrongs. It takes a very longtime for such troubled people to accept the reality of what they have done. So if you can do this with no expectations, you will probably lift this hurt and pain that you are carrying.
I now know that by writing what I did I planted a seed that even though originally denied with anger has always been with him. The truth can only be pushed aside for so long until it has to be dealt with. Let's face it. As we move along in life we all have regrets. Sometimes it takes years for them to resurface and for us to muster the courage to deal with them. When we deal in truth, our lives can only get better.
I like the advice that the previous posters have given. WL made some very deep and thoughtful points.
Cat, I would like to add that just because your Mother doesn't have it in her to give you the apology that you deserve, that doesn't mean she doesn't carry the guilt with her. She must be a very damaged person to not want or to not know how to do this. Being that she is living in a situation where she has admitted to once again not being happy, speaks volumes. Unfortunately, some people just don't understand unconditional love or true happiness. How could they if they have never felt it?
Good luck Peace.
I wanted to say thanks for the folks who had a different take on the letter.
I think that if it is sent, it should be done long after the white-hot emotions are gone.
I will not send a letter to OW. In fact I want as little to do with her as possible. And I strongly suspect that she will be history at some point.
yesterday
whille kids were playing at park
I wrote thr letter several times
revised it and ripped it to shreds
I felt OK
when we got home--just an hour or so after I wrote the letter
XH Calls D 14
tells her he LOVES her and misses her very much
this is very UNUSUAL for XH to call D on his day off from visiting--he Never calls unless they call first
Today I saw him at work
he looks confused..sort of devastated
womder what is up in his world
peace
You have really had some interesting posts on this thread. I personally wouldn't send the letter because I believe the OP will do everything to pick it apart and find a way to twist it around to their advantage. I hate to back down on what is moral and right however I have learned over the years that there is no point to try to be rational with the irrational...and IMO, if the OP's were rational people, they never would have gotten involved with someone who is married.
I have always found letter writing very cathartic even if I don't send the letter. Somewhere buried in a box, I have letters I wrote 15 years ago to my XH and his OW. They would be interesting to read now. I am not sure why I kept some of them.
I hope your XH's "out of the norm" contact with your D continues. Try not to give too much head space to it...for now just appreciate it for what it is worth.
(((HUGS)))
I spoke with a trusted friend who also went thru similar situation
she and her H are now together
I decided to NOT send the letter
I am letting it all go now
I saw OW sunlasses in H car at work today
his door was open
yes I broke the glasses
high school??
OK I made a mistake
I dont feel guilty well maybe a little
peace
his fault for leaving the car unlocked lol...
i think its fine, i would have done the same thing...
last year i spotted a hairclip in his car, he threw it out himself when i flipped...
another time, when h had moved home, i noticed one day in the garage a baseball mitt -- too small to be his, too big to be my son's, and it was a righty mitt, im a lefty--- only one other person that it belonged to---I THREW IT OUT!!!!! how dare he bring it into my garage when he moved home????
dont beat yourself up...u did what anyone of us would do.
Good for you for not sending the letter. I don't think it would matter. Time is what will make a difference. When you are selfish and care only of yourself no matter what is said, would the selfish one change. I think not. They don't care. Why should they, they got what they want.
It's only when the R ends or the op gets hurt will they step back and possibly think.
I understand about breaking ow glasses. I am glad I don't feel the anger like I used to. I just think ow was a fool to get involved with my h and now look at her sitch. How is that working for her now? It isn't. Guess the attraction wore off, it eventually does. It won't be all roses forever.
Time is your friend.
"I have learned over the years that there is no point to try to be rational with the irrational...and IMO, if the OP's were rational people, they never would have gotten involved with someone who is married."
This is a very interesting take. Thanks for this.
Whitelight
No OP cant be rational neither can my XH at this point
She is living with a very disturbed man at this point
GG
Yes time is my friend
I see my XH crumbling
everything he thought he wanted is now nothing
he lost it all
XH has been calling me frequently--mostly about work as my brother who is usually the buffer between us at work is now gone for a month
so XH and I talk many times a day
I am his secretary and a really good one I might add!
The R is very strange but we are very professional working together and I show him the same respect I would a real boss
Hes been calling me with little work stuff and big stuff again sharing it all with me
I listen and I usually end the conversation--
I am not sure I want to get sucked back into standing
MY R with BF Is over but I really dont know if I feel anything for X anymore except disappointment
after experiencing the high of a new R, it may be difficult to settle for XH again if he decides to turn around
I guess this is a good place--I am really free
I am really moving ahead..I know good things are coming now
I am not angry either GG--The sunglass breaking was so primal--
I will Not do that again!
Peace to you all
peace
Hi
we had a birthday party for D14
D asked xh to come
he came, he didnt help, he didnt offer to pay
left quickly
I guess I still have expectations , just last year, he would be so much more helpful
he didnt talk to me
I was dressed up w/makeup ect s I had plans after the party
MY xh doent like it..he wants me to be an old maid waiting for him and allowing him to fence sit for the next 5 years
Its not happeneing that way
I feel different about him
I think I could still love him and reconcile, but the time wait is too long for me and my attention is drifting
peace
Peace, I am sorry your h didnt step up at your daughter's party. Sad what these men have become.
My C keeps saying to me, with all he's done to you, why dont you feel differently about him? I guess I do in some ways, but I still love him.
Maybe if my attention was drifting elsewhere, that would help - LOL.
YOu seem to be doing ok, Peace. I am glad.
Hi peace,
There have been so many times in the last 3 years that my H has been a complete jerk to me. Luckily, he's not one to spew, but the coldness and the distance he kept from me were awful. There was a stage that he couldn't/wouldn't even say hello to me when he saw me.
Our H's may be alike in that they can't love more than 1 person at a time (or at least they can't show love to more than 1 at a time). Since ow's been out of the picture, H is ever so slowly changing back to his normal self and is much warmer towards me and kids. Of course, things could always change again when he meets someone new.
Your xH needs to go through this crisis/funk/whatever on his own. Hopefully he'll wake up one day and realize what he's lost. You don't have to wait for him, but you shouldn't burn any bridges either. If xH wants to do that on his own, let him. You've got options now. I say explore them. Who knows what will happen by the time xH finally wakes up - if he ever does.
SH, You seem to be doing the right things.
I wouldn't feel bad about letting your attention drift. I think that the MLCers begin to sense that.
The comments about sitting around waiting for them to take us back are interesting. I think there is some truth to that.
I have to admit that there is a side of me that wants to make H jealous by showing up w/a really large buff guy sometime - !
This thread was (is) very interesting Peace. I've read it many times and must say I find whitelight's view point something to consider.
I've been at this for 2 years now. I've never called or emailed my H's OW and we've never met. Similar to many other stories on this board my H has given up EVERYTHING to be with her. Now he has no job, no health insurance and his health is failing dramatically.
Since June he has had appendicitus, swine flu (he says) and now an ear/sinus infection.
The OW in this soap opera is vice president of a non-profit organization for the health/welfare of children. She makes twice my salary. She is an animal rights activist, has 12 cats of her own and spends mega bucks on them - including $4,000 for surgery to extend the life of one of them for a year. He told me she has very high principles
and that she is guilt ridden over the situation.
Yes, my H told me all of this soon after the bomb. I know ultimately this is the life he chose and these are his problems, but my questions are: Do I say nothing when he is so sick? When he can't afford a doctor? When she apparently takes better care of her cats than of her "soul mate"?
I'm very worried and very concerned about him. Do I do nothing?
I've held my tongue for so long. Is it not time for the truth as whitelight suggests?
SF
I think it is a hard call to be totally honest
At this point in my story, I dont think it will matter either way
or maybe it will
MY xh already knows the truth
but one can only run so long
as for OW
I think some OW might feel guilt
I sense I am dealing with a very sick OW
one who enjoys watching her man destroy his life
one who lives to inflict pain
one who has encouraged my xh to self destruct
I will say nothing to her at this time
she can have XH
I am free
so SF
I think whatever you choose will be ok
pray -mediate -journel and listen
the answers are within you
so much of the time I think it just doesnt matter what we do
nothing really works to wake them up
it is only something they can do for themselves
maybe detaching and really moving forward with our own lives is
the real solution
peace
