total quarter life mlc - DivorceBusting.com

i normally post under infidelity, but i could have been here all along. u can find my thread, its called he is back, i think.

my h had a total mlc almost 3 years ago. and just when i thought he was coming out of it, just when he came home, just when we opened a new business to get him out of the area of his affair, he is now leaving me again.

telling me of course that this is how he has felt the whole 3 years and i should be moving on and seeing when someone doesnt want me.

so now he is giving up on our business (which of course was funded by our families, mostly mine), and throwing in the towel on our marriage too.

and the ow? i think he is trying to get her back as we speak. i believe he was with her last night (check my post in infidelity).

im totally losing it because i just dont want to go through this anymore.

a year ago he filed for divorce and we never went further than that, we began talking about working it out.

and here i am again.

i dont know how to let go, its not what i ever wanted.

i dont think he will ever be him again.

advice please. thanks.

I hate to say this, but I don't think your h ever completed his crisis completely. Something interfered with his journey and when they are "snatched" out of the crisis, generally they will go back into crisis at a later time and it's usually worse than the first time around.

All I can suggested is leave him alone, give him plenty of space and pull from deep within you for patience and compassion. He's got to finish his journey and nothing can stop it. Focus on you and be sure to take care of the financials and the assets for if he's back for a second go round on the Mother Ship, money will be spent quite freely.

I know that this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I honestly do think he's never completed his journey.

Please take care of yourself and allow God to work on your h.

thank you.

right now he is in the back texting the ow, im sure.

i guess he tried to come out of his crisis and failed.

great.

i need to move on and i dont want to. i need to learn to accept this, i dont think things will ever be ok here.

I know it's hard but you will be stronger tomorrow than you are today. Each day you will get stronger. Take it one day at a time.

I think the same happened to my wife. She started to go through a QLC about 6-7 years ago and now she's totally run on this one.

You can do this.

thank you. its nice to have people that understand.

he is totally off the deep end now.

its such a shame. things between us have been nice for 10 months, he finally comes home and this is what i get.

i dont think he can do it. i think he was away for too long and really doesnt want to be the part of father and husband.

i hate when he snaps at our son just for being a kid.

i dont know how to accept that i cant go through this anymore, that he most likely will never change.

even if he were to perk up and warm up towards me, something else will set him off again.

its aweful.

It's the crisis and they are very moody and emotional. Nothing pleases them and that's one of the reasons that I am in favor of them being on the street because the spouse and children and walking on egg shells 24/7.

It's not the length of time he's been away...it's the unfinished crisis. He's not had the chance to really flex his muscles and get out there and do what is necessary to grow up. Unfortunately, he moved home entirely too soon and is now trying to back peddle in his crisis. My xh left and returned home and was home for 7 months and about drove me nuts with his emotional mood swings, etc. He then left again and has never returned.

Does he appear jealous of your child? Sometimes there is resentment because he sees his child being treated better than he was when he was that age. He looks at the child and himself being the same age because mentally, that's where his emotions are.

If he makes it through the crisis, he will be a changed man, a more adult, mature man. He may retain some of the traits he picked up along the way and they may or may not be traits that you care for. No one knows just how they will come out of the oven once baked up. Some are wonderful, kind and giving, and others...well, let's just say this...they leave a lot to be desired.

You and your child will need to find ways to take care of yourselves. Plan things to do this summer that will give you both plenty of space and freedom to laugh and enjoy life. I suspect he's one miserable human being right now and he's not going to be happy to see you and your child being happy. I'm sorry he's being such a bear.

thank you. i appreciate your kind words. if you have time, check out my thread under infidelity - i just listed the latest events, it is time for me to move on with my life.

he is in a true mlc but i have truly done everything i can and waited long enough for him.

I read your postings over on infidelity. You are the only one that can determine when you've had enough. Save yourself, your children and whatever is left of your assets.

thanks snodderly. i have been on these boards on and off for over a year, in this for almost 3 years, h had moved out oct 06.

my heart will never give up on him, i have to override it right now.

i have tried and done everything, i cannot say there is something i should have or shouldnt have tried, said or done.

i am at peace with the fact that i absolutely did everything humanly possible to save my marriage.

i am too young, too pretty, too smart and too nice of a person to be tortured any longer , and that is what it has become.

I'm sorry your going through all of this. I can't imagine going throught it and thinking it's behind you then having to deal with it all over again.

You have to make this about you and your children. Do what is best for you. When it comes to having a love one in crisis, no matter what you try, they have to resolve their issues before anything will change. It's sad but it's the way it is.

My wife is 29 and in full on crazy mode. Looking back it started very gradual 2 years ago after the birth of my son and then slowly came to a point where she checked out to la la land.

It's time to dig deep and be strong. Take care of yourself. You have to distance yourself and pretty much do your own thing. Work on you, take great care of your children (they need you now like never before) and as hard as it is at first get out and enjoy life, do something special for you. It gets better with time.

thank you. it is extremely hard when i really thought the worst was behind us.

i only want to call him. but why? i know not to, i know to let go.

but as the drama wears off, i want my husband back.

im used to him being here now, and of course he did not come home last night.

i know this has to be it, but i dont think either one of us knows how to really say goodbye.

i guess i will see what goes on today.

Keep busy. Make plans for today and find some down time to enjoy a good book, movie or a walk.

Do not call him. If he wants to talk to you, he will contact you himself. If he's ready to move out, he will find a way to do it, i.e., either he'll pack his bags and go; pick a fight w/you to justify his leaving; or he'll make life so insufferable that you'll open the door and kick him out. Until then, don't assume anything. You'll definitely know when it's time for him to go.

Leave each day as it comes and do not assume anything...life is far too short for that.

its hard for me to keep my posts up when im mostly posting under infidelity.

im a mess. i have to learn to let go and i just dont want to.

husband hasnt been sleeping home. he claims he called his lawyer to move forward.

but nothing is ever done with us.

tell me why hecomes here yesterday as if its still his house, the place he "doesnt want to be"

his shoes are sitting by the door. why didnt he take them?

i am trying not to text him, email or call. but its such a fast switch for me, im having trouble.

It's okay not to keep your posting up all of the time. You have to decide which forum is the right one for you.

As for your h coming to home and thinking it's still home to him...well....he's in crisis. People in mlc do this. The shoes by the door doesn't surprise me at all. Are most of his clothes still there? Tools, sports equipment, etc?

Some will claim that they've done things, but it's only been in their minds. Others will move out on what they say they will do. If he's seen a lawyer and begins proceedings, he could very well drag it out, costing a lot of money, and not doing the work. This is where it gets frustrating and expensive, i.e., them dragging their feet. Oh, if he does, he'll say that you are the one dragging your feet.

Until you know something for sure, go on w/your life. He's depressed and it sounds like he's not a very happy camper these days.

mdoodles.....

i really want to reach out to you, you seem so much like me... there is no hard and fast answers, you can only do what feels right to you...

try to be a bit more forgiving of yourself. I think you are very hard on yourself, cuz I am. its ok to be a loving person. you arent weak. your amazing. its ok to be confused. its perfectly acceptable to feel in pain. i wish I could be of more help to you. your strong enough to work this all out on your own, i am only offering words to help you with yourself.

try to just concentrate on you and what feels right to do. try to detach a bit from hateful vengeful feelings; but to instead think of what you would like to remember, for yourself, LONG TERM thru all this, if it fails or not. if you have the urge to do something or say something yu know wont shame you or make you feel bad later,thats ok ... but give it real thought and consieration (cuz I never did!) if you know yuo can live with it forever then its ok. but i do mean FOREVER.

i think your doing a great job under great duress. and I think you will be alright. you just have to believe in yourself a bit more. this is your life and you know whats right for you. you know it down inside. trust yourself more. ask youtself the relevant questions and if they greenlight then do it. bc I ignored all the redlights... so dont do that.

if you orange or red light, then dont do or say it. if someone had told me once to do just simply THAT, my life would be different. but no one did!

your doing wonderfully.

he filed a year ago and that same day we decided not to move forward.

he came home a couple of months ago, we opened the business and then i wanted the action dismissed and he wouldnt.

all of his stuff is here. its been here all along. almost 3 years. u would never have known he wasnt here. full closet, full dressers, full garage.

even last year, when things were the ugliest and he took some clothes to move back out, he left his precious little alarm clock by the bed, which was the one thing he did take the first time.

so now the shoes by the door. it keeps me hanging on.

but this is a mess now because of the business. it will have to shut down, i cant give him money for it if we are splitting and i cant because he is spending on her.

uhh. her. i despise her. if u check my thread, u will see i spoke to her the other day, she called. i told her how it is, the truth that she has been missing. who knows what she made of it.

i know when i here from my lawyer, i will drag it out, i will tell him dont respond to anything until the last day possible.

i dont want this.

my friends think im crazy, look what he has done.

but i dont want this.

mdoodles...

your in crisis right now. you are in a really bad place, and your reaching out which is great.

note that you say you despise her, but you had contact with her. this isnt healthy. it does your head in, and your struggling enough. you need to be kinder to yourself.

im lucky, the OW was never game enough to give me more than one single sentence (but i do remember that one single sentence). but her parents have spoken up for her enough. it didnt do me any good it done me so much damage. it hurt me and it continues to hurt me.

OPS ... dont talk to them. if you have to just to ascertain where you are then fine. but after that, forget em. they arent on your page .... its only a complete MIND *censored*

What you have described is typical behavior of a mlcer. I packed up my xh's stuff, gave him a deadline to come pick it up and we went from there. It's difficult walking around looking at his stuff all over the place. It's like they walk out of one life into a new universe and leave everything behind.

What are you going to do about the business? Shut it down or attempt to keep it going?

I hate to say it, but your h has all of the signs of a typical mlcer who is depressed. Just remember, if you drag it out, it's going to be expensive. I did that as long as I could and it was quite expensive with the lettes and calls going back and forth with the lawyers. You may need to start thinking with your head and not your heart for your assets and finances are going up in smoke. I know you don't want this, but you've got to protect yourself financially and you can't do it if you allow your heart to rule your thinking....look at the business as a business deal and not a tie to your h....okay?

i know u are right. i know.

the business will shut down, we will try to sell it. its so unfortunate, we only opened 5 weeks ago.

thats why his sudden change once again is hard to fathom.

my mother in law said she is going to try to talk to him today, to see if its not too late.

its one thing with our marriage, which never seems to end, the business isnt as flexible.

the legal stuff will move along i guess, but i still wont let my lawyer respond to things before he has to, just to slow it down.

the ow is not a citizen, she is looking for him to marry her for her status.

i will not let that happen so fast, and i will only give him a separation.

i was doing ok this morning until i put the clothes in the dryer and saw his shirt. its just so hard. i finally had him back.

im so not ok.

i tried not to text or call him today.

i went into the store because i needed to pick up and fill out some papers for our health insurance.

he was in a terrible mood, most likely because of the business, but either way, terrible terrible grouchy mood.

i can only hope he behaves that way for the ow.

all i want is for her to leave him and meet someone nice for herself.

i dont wish harm, just that she should leave him!

i hate that he can tornado his way through my life and my families' life, come and go, go and come, and then lie his way back to her.

talk about a man in crisis.

I can certainly understand why he was in a foul mood...if his mother had a talk w/him, he didn't appreciate it and may have thought you asked her to speak to him.

Sometimes it is best not to have others interfere in things such as this, especially when they are experiencing a crisis. They already are paranoid and think everyone is watching them and out to get them....I sure hope he doesn't throw this in your face every time he gets angry. These mlcers do not forget one thing in their lives, especially when they feel we have wronged them, no matter how small the mistake.

It's okay, you had to do what you needed to do about he health care forms. You certainly didn't go out there searching for him deliberately. I'm just sorry he was such a grouch.

All you can do is pray and ask God to help you and your family during this crisis. Ask God to find a way to point this woman in another direction and to leave your family in peace.

Please take care of yourself.

MY XH also left everything in the house except a Bagful of clothes
I boxed up about 2 large boxes of clothes and shoes and put them in garage
he left jackets and all his tools
he would sometimes take an item like his bicycle or his xbox
but mostly he just left it all
I have noticed he has bought some new clothes and those boxes still sit untouched in garage
Now it is 2 year and a few months post bomb
I see my XH in the crises
he is everything that he wasnt
he is in debt( protect your finances)
he is ignoring the credit card companies when they call
he alsmost broke our business ( I saved it ) and it is thriving now..we have paid almost everything off that he didnt
and Snodderly is right
Not to promote D
I waited and stood for 2 years..but im glad our D is over H filed after I told him too
and it was the right thing for us at the time it would have been the ONLY way I could have saved and kept our business
now I am free.. most all the struggle are in the past
peace

thanks. i certainly do not promote the divorce, and all i will even give him is a separation.

our finances are a mess, actually too late to even save. by coming home to open our business, he left a high paying job.

so now that the store isnt doing well and he has lost his focus, he is basically unemployed.

regarding his mother talking to him - really doesnt matter. he knows how she feels, she always talked to him about things, we used to be a very close family. he knows his mother and me are best of friends. we live next door to them.

i texted him last night (yeah, i know i shouldnt), saying i wanted him to come back home, that our son is looking to wait up for him (like usual) and that i wanted to also....he answered me with - not today.

what does not today mean?

i am hanging on to words. and i shouldnt.

i even find myself texting him at night, hoping the ow checks his phone, because she is known to do that.

its clear husband has crawled back into his hole (as i call it now), and left a path of destruction in his wake.

i had a terrible day yesterday, better today.

did my best not to text or call him, did not wait for him to show up.

so i took my son to the park today and when h called, i did not answer.

sure enough, he was wondering where i was, as if i should have known he would decide to come to the house after being at the store.

i did think about it, but since i did not hear from him, i was not waiting around for him.

i think i did the right thing.

i texted him when i got home that i missed his calls and he can call us at home if he wants. and he did. i did not speak.

later, i texted him to ask if he would be at his parents for dinner.

he said no.

then sent me a text that i should stop writing him.

so i answered with, get off the ego trip, i had a question.

honestly, how he can turn so angry at him on whim is so odd.

it feels weird that he is not here, yet again.

i wonder how this time will turn out.

will he really truly proceed with the divorce (separation).

do i just lay low and wait for dust to settle?

i just cant imagine not being intimate again, its all too weird to me.

ok so what do i do now?

if u check my posts under infidelity, since tuesday things have changed.

he has softened yet again, coming over as if nothing really happened, still acting like this is his house.

he is also being playful with me, following me around the house, making excuses to come into our bedroom when i am there.

flirting and having some intimate contact.

he has not slept at home.

talk about crisis, although im shocked how things have turned around in only a week.

how do i proceed?

i never wanted to end our marriage, but he must leave ow permanently for us to ever trul work out.

i do not mention her or our relationship at all right now, but things cannot stay this way.

Be yourself. If you are up to it, flirt back. Whatever you do, do not discuss the relationship w/him. Just be careful and keep your eyes and ears open. Generally when they are nice, they've been up to something or getting ready to slam us w/something. Hopefully your h isn't going to be one of those who does this.

What you are seeing is the flip side of his personality. They do this most of the time...anger, nasty, etc. one time and a few days later, when they think things have cooled down....pleasant, acting as if nothing is wrong. One thing...we don't forget has nuts they act.

Listen to what he tells you and sift through the conversation later on...you might be able to pick up on some things you weren't aware of until then.

thanks snodderly, i value your opinion.

i have kept conversation totally about the store and life in general, not about our r, not about ow, not about the fact that he left, not about his mentioning we are done.

its as if those things didnt occur.

i have been peppy and cheery.

and i totally flirt back and assert myself, because i know its something he likes, he likes that attention.

at the same time, i know i cant keep waiting for him, that things need to change now, because are selling our house and i do not know where i am going or if he is coming with me.

i think i have a few more weeks to wait things out and see what transpires.

i know he is very unhappy with the business we bought, he told me so a few minutes ago - he said he is very unhappy.

well that is clear!

You will need to begin packing at some point. There will come a time when you can broach the subject of moving and just say "H, I'm getting ready to start packing for the pending move, and would would like to know what you wish to keep or donate." It's not a direct question asking him if he's moving with your or not. I suspect he may very well tell you to donate most of the stuff he left behind.

Try to have a good weekend. Do something for yourself.

thanks snodderly.

i started boxing some of things we do not use in the kitchen.

i like to feel like im accomplishing something.

i find it hard to believe he will want to donate his stuff.

basically, the only thing he took with him, was himself. and i mean that.

he took himself, the clothes on his back, oh, and his cell phone.

he is so a man in crisis.

he sits in his office in our house, organizing his mail. not to take it with him, but to put it away in the drawer.

i think this is what makes it so hard to think about moving on, apart from him.

The suggestion of the donation is to open his door to see what he will tell you, not whether he will do it or not. Sometimes you have to go around the situation in order to get the most direct answer from them. Listen to what he says and if you get the opportunity, watch the body language. Actions always speak louder than words when it comes to someone in crisis.

He's a very lost soul right now and his actions with the mail, sitting, etc., all indicate that. All you can do is leave him alone and when he seeks you out, be a friend, not the wife at this point, just a friend.

it so clear he is a lost soul right now. or maybe in the mlc stage of replay? i dont know.

i feel like he ran back to the ow when our new business wasnt panning out as planned.

i wish i had more time to wait, but really, i dont.

i dont want to give up, it seems he really doesnt either, but the holding pattern is just not ok anymore.

during our on and off holding pattern of now over 2 1/2 years, he has run up so much personal debt and now we are losing our home.

it has been sold, to avoid foreclosure taking it, but we have to move.

and now that he left his high paying job to open the business with me, the business isnt doing well and we are trying to sell it, which we all know may not happen.

i just dont know what to do at the moment. i want to wait for him, that is just who i am, but soon i will be waiting on the curb!

i can look into apts, but right now we arent even making a salary! i have been a stay-at-home mom for almost 6 years, with little part time work at the nursery school.

i know i cant force a decision from him but at the same time, we need to move on.

like his mother says, us two dummies are never really done with eachother.

why cant he see that and leave that ow?

in some ways he sees it, so he hangs on to me, and yet still goes to her.

anything i can do rather than just wait?

i know forcing a r discussion will not be to my benefit.

havent posted in a while, usually post under infidelity.

please, someone check out my posts there.

to catch my situation up, things between h and me have been ok, on good terms.

he has been nice, following me around the house when he comes, acting as if its still his house.

he has been doing odd, personal things in front of me, that one should only do with his wife.

he has been flirting, touching me and we have been intimate.

so today, i get a letter from my lawyer, giving me a copy of the letter from h's lawyer, wanting to make a settlement!

i was so shocked!

if he wants to split so badly, why is he so all over me?

is this part of the mlc?

how to proceed? keep acting nice and friendly?

Hi
I dont think that is part of the MLC script
I never experienced any physical intimacy with my XH after bomb
I know some here have
does your H have OW?
Maybe consider a few coaching sessions to get clarity on this or maybe others will chime in
it is so hard to figure them out
it would make sense if he is flirting( is this new behavior)
that he may be seeing where he stands or maybe he just wants to know youe are still There? waiting?
peace
hopefully more will be revealed

yes, there is a ow, a nasty one at that! if u check my other thread, u can see the ugly history i have had with her.

she doesnt seem to think she is the mistress. and she wants to marry him.

he has lied to both of us for almost 3 years.

he has left home and come back 2 separate times, most recently a few weeks ago, AFTER he came home and opened a business with me, as a way to start fresh.

he left his high paying job and area where she lived to come home.

and now this.

oh, and our intimate contact is not new, flirting behavior not new. at all.

I dont have enough experience to help you with this
some posters have had H who return and leave again multiple times
so he is home now?
is he willing to sek counsling with you
that may help-
maybe try in piecing?
keep posting others will reply
peace

he is not home now, he left a few weeks ago, went back to the ow...oh, how angry i am!

he had left her, he had said during this past year that he was done with her, he came back home a few months ago and we opened a business.

he was all gung ho for this business, researching it and finding it and being excited about it.

well, now the business is closed. it was doing well and of course, he went back to her. didt surprise me the business wasnt going well and then we all of a sudden arent doing well, and he goes to her.

im so upset, so in shock (somewhat) with the way he has been acting, knowing he met with his lawyer and i would be hearing from mine.

m,
Some of them go through what Sting and I use to call the "sexathon". This happened in between leavings. It's almost like they can't get enough attention or the hormones are raging and they have no control over it. It sounds like your h is experiencing a bit of that "posturing" nonsense. It's all about the hormones right now.

Then again, the old saying around here is that they act all so sweet, innocent and nicey, nicey and they slam dunk you w/something awful. Your h could be in this category.

What I do suggest is this...keep your guard up, I don't particularly care for his behavior and something is driving it big time.

by the way, i see a typo in my post above - the business was NOY doing well. big error on my part.

thanks snodderly. one thing about my h, as my ic has said over and over and a friend/pyschologist has said - he does not follow anything patterns, anything rational, anything predictable.

i do need to keep my guard up, but its hard to do, even with my best intentions.

what i have to do is not even think about him, his thinking, his behavior and move on. i know that is what i have to do.

but since he is always so ambivalent, i tend to hold out hope in the back of my head for my happily ever after.

the letter from the attorney is rather interesting, even my ic was shocked that it was sent to me with him still acting so ambivalent. oh well.

When emotions are driving their lives, nothing is rational. That's why it's important to keep your eye on your finances, etc. He really does sound like he's bouncing all over the place.

I know that my xh exhibited some of what you described. The sexathon went on for about 8 weeks and it was every waking minute that he wanted sex or flirting, etc. I think it's the hormones raging and the thought of death. They do think that they are dying at some point because of the way they feel. It's just so crazy and you know what? There's nothing you can do about them, how they are behaving and feeling. All you can do is protect yourself.

i wish i would have realized what was going on 2 years ago, when protecting the finances was still an issue. i would have been able to stop the spending then most likely. i just didnt know about it. at all.

he was the most responsible person i had ever met in terms of money. or anything for that matter. i trusted him 200%, without a thought. i knew that whatever he said, was right, when it came to money and our finances. its unbelievable how someone can change so much, and hurt themselves so much, not even just me.

even last year when he thought i would mediate, i had to remind myself that at that point, he couldnt be trusted to look out for me, he wanted to leave me. and i still wanted to trust him. i have learned since then...

the only thing i can protect right now and worry about is our 401k. that is the only thing left. last year my attorney sent a letter protecting that money and will follow up again this year.

I'm very sorry about your situation. Believe it or not, none of us saw it coming....it's so very gradual that it doesn't hit us until it's full blown.

Your lawyer needs to follow up on the 401K situation and soon. Your h is really out there and may be out there for a long time. You do not want to lose everything.

Please do not beat yourself up. We all have been down that road and wish that we could have seen what was happening long before it became full blown. We actually do not realize or think about it until it's too late and they've been transported on to the Mother Ship.

Take care of yourself for that is very important.

i would have to agree that it is very gradual. i should have known when he came home with a corvette almost 5 years ago, at the age of 25, that there was a problem starting....it just took almost another 2 years until things went haywire...

i really thought he was returning to normal, he so seemed to be. and then lost it again....

someone help me down from the ledge today...

saw h today...he has been so friendly and all over me (which i shouldnt even allow)...today he wasnt, so of course it feels like im hurt all over again...

he even took a bag from the garage that he had brought home when he moved back. so that killed me too...my friend said the ow was probably on his case wondering why his stuff didnt return when he went back to her...

my son gave him a gift and a card he made at school. interesting - he put the card/picture in his desk drawer here and the cologne in his drawer too. weird right?

i know he saw i was upset and crying to myself today. i couldnt help myself, especially at this time of the month for me, more emotional.

i texted him when he left, that it is very unfair of him to be normal one day and today not even talk to me or say goodbye, that i never did anything to deserve it.

he called me to say he was sorry, that he didnt mean to not say goodbye...whatever.

why cant i let go? i should let go and i dont.

N
I know it is hard
letting go is a process that will take time
sometimes ive felt I let go
only to go back and pick it up again
working thru it day by day
deciding what you want
deciding when is enough
We can let go totally and still leave room if H decides to really work on M
part of it is really making the decision to move on
sometimes painfully
I dont encourage D, but for me it was the beginning of finaaly letting go
going out trying to make new friends
church-prayer
therapy all helped
you will know what you need to do
for me at this time
my XH looks terrible
it is almost 2.5 years since bomb
he is on prescription
drugs,
living in debt and living with OW - 28- that we never met-
for me to take him back I would have to clearly see he is totaaly serious about Relationship
he would need to go to therapy or else I do nbot believe I could go back and then it is still questionable
hang in there
peace

Mdoodles...i feel bad for you. My H does the same thing to me. He will act one way one day or week and different the next. It confusing and such a pain to me.

Im tired of living in limboland! Letting go is hard. I feel like Im getting closer everyday. Even though deep down I dont want to let go at all.

the problem with my situation right now is that he seems for a moment to have wanted to move forward legally. im delaying it and he has made no mention of it to me again.

but financially, i may have to do something.

i feel the same as u, i do not want to let go. at all. and i cant force myself to do it, no matter how many times people tell me to.

i just cant. not yet.

mdoodles, you are not alone.

I am in this same as you. Kissak is dealing with the same, too.

My H left me almost 4 years ago for OW. He is still with same OW. I can't let go either. I don't want to. I love him. I have built my life around him. We are 46, high school sweethearts, a 13 year old son, we own a very successful business together and have built a life together that now spans 30+ years. Let go? How? I can't find the answer.

My H filed for a D on 10/3/08 and then postponed it on January 20th for 6 months telling the judge that he wanted his marriage and to reconcile it w/i the 6 months. Well, we are now in our final 30 days. We have a court date of July 24th. H is still with OW and like you it hurts like he!!. LIKE YOU, I have maintained an intimate relationship with my H for the entire length of his MLC, OW as far as I know knows nothing about it.

My H sees us/me, makes contact with us/me on his terms not mine/ours. Yesterday was Father's Day and I had my son call H on his cell to wish him a happy day, it went straight to voicemail because H was with OW, H hasn't replied. My poor son.

I never call, text, visit H ever. I never ever ask H for anything. H can't seem to stay away for very long. At this point in time we are together 1-2 times per week and talk 2-4 times per week, all when it is his idea. H does not live at home or with OW.

SAD, HUH? How can two people end up here. My guess is one of us is selfish and it's not you or me.

My H and I are very good friends right now. We have gone from down and out and done to having rebuilt our friendship over the past 46 months. Our sex life isn't too shabby either. I want more, I want him home where he belongs. H can't make the leap. Why? Only he knows the answer. I wonder why he can't remove himself from OW's life. I worry he doesn't really want to.

Your H could be mine in behavior. All I know is it is my behavior towards H that keeps him close by. If I were different H would flee for sure. I always treat my H well. I am never confrontational. I never talk of the R and OW. H has without question used me and our home as a safe haven from the storm (aka OW) and her demands and selfish, inconsiderate, immature, needy, insecure behaviors. I feel like I am winning for the most part and then like you have days of despair and fading hope. I have days where I am so sad and lonely and I cry.

I do know what triggered my H MLC. I have actually learned a lot on this journey. I am a better person for having lived it.
I am a whole lot stronger than I was 46 months ago. I have been through he!!. I will never be the same again, if my H returns full time, we have a lot of work to do. It is a challenge I am fully prepared for, as far as H, I doubt it. I imagine I would be right where you are, looking at the crisis all over again. I do not want to go backwards. Forwards is my only plan. I will not move our D along any further than H has brought it. I will however suggest to H in July, if he is still with OW that we end the M gracefully. I can't live like this much longer. I want a H who only wants me. I am very tired and I need closure one way or another.

I disappear from the boards quite often because I find I get cynical about my sitch if I post too much. It does me good to escape from my posting. I haven't been on my thread since April 29th. I have been able to more focus on my problem and work towards a solution alone.

I wish you well.... please take care, I will watch you and keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Sanderika

Sanderika...I can see where you are ready to set a date for you to end your marriage gracefully...do you think you will be able to go through with it when it gets here?

You know Mdoodles, do you ever try to take yourself out of the pic for a min and actually see in your H what other's may see? I have tried that lately. I have tried to look at him as the man who cheated on his wife, lied repeatedly, left a long marriage and 2 beautiful kids....why on earth would someone want to be with this guy?? Its weird. I can see it. I can see what others see, but I just cant connect the two.

thanks guys! do u know how good it feels to talk with people in my situation?

i do step back and see what others see. i see it on my own, but it doesnt matter, i still miss my husband and want him back.

i still look at him and see him, the man i loved since the minute i met him 10 1/2 years ago, i still see him in that same light, not tainted like i should.

sanderika, i feel oh so similar to you, especially with the business part! only our business is now closed...it is very upsetting to me.

does the ow know about u? with my situation, ow is pressing for marriage. im thinking she may not last much longer because of what she wants, although she has been around this long, who knows.

she was calling and hanging up on me as recently as last thursday night. trouble in paradise i assume? lol.

im really hurting right now, and i know u guys understand.

i dont know what to do, do i talk to him when he calls like clockwork to check in? or just let our son talk.

as if my talking or not even makes a difference...

I think its up to you Mdoodles, if you feel like talking to him, go ahead. I talk to my H everytime he calls my kids. Actually he always asks to talk to me. The conversations arent long at all though. Just polite talk. I feel we can keep the peace better that way.

Its hard on you I know. I had a spell last night where i just wanted to cry for a while. I hate that things are this way. I know in time that things will get better....for you too.

well yesterday i had a DAY where i cried for a while!

sometimes it just hits me, so hard.

i really truly have been on such a rollercoaster. i am so used to waiting for him, so used to him saying he is coming home, so used to talking to him and making nice, so used to the excitement of him really leaving the ow and coming back to me.

and then he was here. to be honest, NOT so exciting. things were weird, the store we opened was not helping because it was not doing as well as we thought it would.

and, he hadnt fully cut off contact with her.

now he is gone and back to her and leaving me again. yet acting like he isnt so sold on it. somedays yes, more often than not, no, acting totally ambivalent.

its too much for me. add in the financial disaster, coming from us being so financially secure, and im ready to explode!

husband just called, it rang 2 times, he must have gotten disconnected, he called right back and my fax machine picked up.

im not calling him back, if he wants, he can try again.

so nerve wracking.

did i mention i left him a message at 430 this morning? i was up, totally overwelmed and upset, who knows what i even said...

You know kissak it's going to be the hardest thing I will ever have to do. I hope I can be strong enough.

Come July 24th, I will ask H one question: Are you still with
OW? If he says yes, I have my answer. I will tell him we have no future and recommend to proceed with the D. I am growing in fear and anxiety. I would be a liar if I told you I was at peace with this. I am not and believe I will never be. I do not see myself with anyone else in my future years. My H is the love of my life and I cannot even fathom my life without him. I do know that it is not healthy or normal to live the life we have over the past 46 months. I shudder to think what all of this has done to our son.

I have remained strong and steady in my stand. I do realize I deserve better even if it's being alone.

My hope is that H "snaps out of it" before we reach the 24th.

I am sure the next 30+ days will fly by......

I am reluctant to call my lawyer at this point, I am willing to wait until the 11th hour on this one.

I think H realizes he belongs here with me and he certainly has taken many steps back towards us but he can't quite seem to reach the porch for good.

I hate the OW. I never thought I could hate another human being as much as I hate her. I don't feel like a D will be giving my H to her. He will not stay with her. She is merely a product of his MLC and he will awake from it and realize all that she stands for and he will run and run fast. I want him to realize it now but as the veterans of this board tell us a man comes out of his MLC when he has completed his journey and there is no telling how or when it will happen. If they aren't completely ready they don't return for good but rather make false starts and keep us in limbo. I believe they can't really live without us and like us can't imagine having to live without us either. My H has told me his R with the OW would be much better if he could get over me. He has said point blank "I can't get over you". It is my feelings that they never do "get over" us. A very few will come out of their MLC and swallow their pride and humble themselves enough to return to their families. These are very special men. These are real men. Men who value their families and put an end to their selfish ways and "Man-Up" to their responsibilities and realize that what they had/have is too precious to lose.

I would like to think my man is one of these men.

I fear he is not and most likely never has been. It is a weak man who runs from us and is pulled away by these home-wrecking OW. A weak man caves to outside temptations. It turns them into liars and irresponsible husbands and fathers.

I am rambling so....I will stop.

I get very cynical. I do not like it. I try hard to see the good in him and forgive him his faults. I have made it a practice to forgive him every morning for what he is going to do during his day that will hurt me and our son.

I know kissak and mdoodles just how tired you both are too. I wish for better days for us all....

Someday the dark cloud will evaporate and the sun will shine warm and bright upon us. This is real and true.

Hugs to you both,
Sanderika

u are so not rambling! i love to hear what other people like me are thinking,

we think alike...

does the ow call u ever or harass u? mine has.

and i have never been anything but nice. i tell her the truth because she is being fed lies. i know she doesnt trust him. i know she pushes him and questions everything and searches his phone.

i have no clue why he even runs back to her.

he has done nothing but lie and cheat on her. nothing but plan his escape back to me. then comes and here we are again, he is gone.

u are right, they need to finish their journey.

i too, am waiting until the 11th hour. i am wrong to do so because of the finances, but for right now, im moving very slowly legally.

i dont want it and he waivers on it so much, why should i waste money on a legal situation i dont want?

i worry about my son too, he is 5. what does your son think?

so h just called again, he isnt acting too nice these days. my what a change since last week.

he started to say, do me a favor, dont... and i put my son on the phone.

i know i overdid it yesterday when i left him a message in the middle of the night and sent some texts during the day.

couldnt help it, normally i can, but i was so upset, i just couldnt help it.

oh well. like anything else, he will get over it. i will just prepare myself that the next time i see him, which is most likely tomorrow, he will not be all lovey dovey. its probably better that way anyway.

who does he think he is anyway? that he can do all of this to me and im just supposed to be fine all of a sudden? that all of a sudden he comes home and leaves again and goes back to her and its just ok?

like i dont have feelings? that one day he is all over me and following me and the next not? like that doesnt affect me?

Im beginning to believe none of these men are going to Man-up and do nothing till they really know they have lost us for good! They know we love them and want them...so why should they have to hurry up and decide to come home....we're waiting for them. I know everytime my H see's me taking a step towards something besides him, he changes...

MDoodles....I know its hard...I have texted my H at all hours on some nights in the past...because I was hurting.

I even broke down today and asked something I shouldnt have, but sometimes I have to get something out in the open before I can let it pass....I basically asked him was he talking to the OW again since she and her 4th hubby have split (after only 6 months) He told me that they hardly speak at all anymore.

We do have to be forgiving, and at the same time not let them walk all over us. In the end its our decision!

I will pray for you Sanderika...I know how hard it will be for you to say that to your H....I have imagined saying the same thing to my H...I mean 3 years will be here before I know it!

I agree with you Mdoodles, I dont want to push a divorce either..I dont want to pay anything for this! Its his Party! Let him pay for it! (a good friend told me that)

I think you did good putting your son on the Phone to talk to his dad...really you dont need to talk to him.

so i just spoke to h, he called again to talk to me. i didnt want to get on, son gave me the phone.

i said, i dont want to hear it, i dont have the strength. he said neither does he but my messages arent helping.

he was nice, he said he is struggling too, having terrible days too. i dont know what he meant in what terms but i was glad to hear he isnt happy.

it may be more financial, dont know.

he didnt say however, but this is what it is and we are splitting. he has made no mention of the letter from his attorney. dont know what it means.

it may mean nothing.

i did say i was sorry for the messages, not because i didnt want to annoy him, more because it wasnt like me.

and i wouldnt be surprised that the ow is the one that saw some, or saw he got a message in the middle of the night...

All I can really say is that every time things have turned around in my situation it's been when I started caring more about me than him.

Originally Posted By: stillloveshim

All I can really say is that every time things have turned around in my situation it's been when I started caring more about me than him.

Seems the same way for me too...just didnt know how to word it. Well said.

thats what i have to do, regardless.

however, it seems in my situation, overall, what i do or dont do doesnt really matter.

when he wanted me, which was all year, what i said or did didnt matter.

i guess now i have to play it cool, but not too cool.

its a hard situation.

in the beginning i let go, didnt call, text, email, nothing. no questions.

and it only allowed their relationship to flourish.

so i always think of that, and dont want to pull back too much.

mdoodles,

In my sitch the OW knows about me but does not know the magnitude of the R between myself and H. She does not know we are still intimate and have been throughout her entire R with him. She isn't the brightest crayon in the box. She is however mean as a snake.

Here the OW rides H steady for a D from me and M to her. She hasn't been able to get H to move in with her and to me that speaks volumns. She wants him D so bad that she filed D papers on his behalf last fall and had me served on my B-Day! I refused the package and she then worked him over and over and I signed them on Oct. 3rd. to be done with the drama.

I have never made contact with her. She on the other hand seems to be so threatened by me that she leaves me cell messages and once came to my home and told me to stay away from her boyfriend. This was on Nov. 7, 2006. It was a very bad evening. It is too painful for me to tell about, one day I will.

These women are out for one thing and that is a meal-ticket. Regardless of the financial situation at hand they are looking for someone to support them and theirs. Most of them have been down this road before as well. In my sitch OW is D (twice) and got huge settlements in both.

Our H's don't want to marry them and that is when they come running back. That's when they figure out the grass is pretty darn green right here. As the OW become comfortable in their R they let their true colors show and that is the side of them our H's don't like and eventually H will leave for good.

mdoodles....IMO when H calls you, you talk to him. You act upbeat and kind. I have done this so many times. Remember it is my changed good behavior toward H that has kept him from leaving for good. I also am able to listen and not command the conversation. I offer a comeback when I feel I have something valuable to add. I do not ramble about myself or son. ALSO, these guys are in MLC and it is all about them. In their "ME WORLD" they are looking for sympathy and validation and compassion to whatever it is they have on their mind and need to discuss with us. Give it to them. Getting them back will only happen by nurturing their needs and caressing their egos.

When my H calls here he doesn't want to talk to my son, he wants to talk to me. I am feeling the same of your H.

Sounds like being a door mat, huh? IMO this is what works. We have to become the OW. We have to meet their needs in many ways. We have to become the women they want.

The bahavior must be constant at all times. Do not let him see even one side of you he finds unattractive. They are always looking for a route out of town. They are always looking for a way to blame and say I told you so. DO NOT GIVE HIM THE OPPORTUNITY. BE THE ONE HE WANTS. It's very hard but I am proof it can be done. I practice what I preach. I have never worked so hard for anything in my life. I think my H and M is worth it so I work hard to keep it going.

If he calls you, it's a good thing!!! It may not seem like it matters, it must or he wouldn't call you. This is where perserverance and patience come into play. Girl, you need to grow strong and muster everything you've got and more. This is really hard work. Once you achieve a place where you are content with your behavior toward H and H is responding (albeit it will be baby steps) don't stop....Maintain, Maintain, Maintain. REMEMBER, your H is always watching you. He watches your appearance and moods very carefully. Even when you think he's not, he is. My H has confessed this. It is true for all MLC men who are on the fence.

I also know at first they think we are putting on an act. It is through constant maintained moods and behaviors that they begin to believe the changes are real and true.

Keep your chin up and come up with a plan you can put into action right away. Don't be quick to get discouraged, this will take some time.

Sanderika

ok, i am down with your thinking!

if u only saw the way i march around the house when i know he is watching. i got the cutest little sleep shorts from vs last week, he was all over it. and i have totally perfected my bending down to pick something up. he was stopped in his tracks for a good 10 min. did not move from behind me...

that being said, i have had him home and gone, home and gone...

this time is pretty severe, because of finances.

our business is now closed. he left an extremely high paying job for the business. i am a stay at home mom...

he is out of a job and im rather concerned where he will work. my home is in foreclosure, i am needing to move by sept 1.

how does one afford an apt? dont know.

i dusted off my resume and im looking around, but really, im not the breadwinner. i will work while my son is at school, but it will not provide the way h always did.

he will get a job, but who knows what i will be seeing from it.

this is where it gets sticky. i dont have the time, or money, to keep waiting for him.

i dont want to proceed legally, but financially i may have to. not sure yet.

im trying to wait it out.

mdoodles,

My son is very hurt. He was 9 when H left us. He feels totally neglected and abandoned by his father. My H has only recently (in the past 4 months shown an interest in son). The MLC tears them so far away from their families and it is such a shame. The ones who end up hurt the most are the kids.

My son is in therapy. He tells people he hates him and has no use for him. My son has become very comfortable with only me around, he has said he actually doesn't care if his dad comes back or not. This makes me cry. Yesterday I cried.

I do not believe that this cannot be fixed. If H were to come back and become even half a dad, son would respond in a more positive way. It needs to happen as soon as possible. H has been gone for 46 months and time is wasting. Son is now a teenager and his interests naturally will divert away from his family. H needs to get on board or he will lose son. At this point they don't really even know each other anymore. They both have a lot of work to do.

At my demands, son is always polite and engaging with his dad. I have told son that regardless of the circumstances right now I will not tolerate any disrespect. Down the road, when he is on his own he may behave as he chooses. Right now he understands, we talk a lot. I have worked very hard to be both mom and dad. I had "the talk" with son. Yesterday I took him indoor go-karting. I try really hard to fill the void.

It's so darn hard. I only had sisters and I have no real connections to 13 year old boys. I am doing the best I can. So far, from what people tell me, I am doing a good job. Like I said before, I want H to Man-Up to his responsibilities. This guy has only one son. AND he's a son!!!! OMG, it just tears me apart.

Snodderly once wrote to a poster....Men reconnect back to their children first and then back to their wives before coming back home. I hope the attention H has given to son of late is a good sign.

Your son is 5. He must have very little memory of daddy being at home full time. I wish that had been the case for mine. Unfortunately my son will never forget this time in his life. This is the one thing that I could hate H for. The damage to son is hard to forgive.

We need to protect them. They are only little for a short while. Kids are meant to have childhoods that are carefree and loving and playful. My son knows different and in a way he has grown up much too fast. I hate that.

Sanderika

it is so sad. im sure u are doing a great job for your son, im so sure of it...

it is sad for me to know my son has no clue what life was like when he was little, what a nice family we had. he sees it in pictures, he sees that our house was where the whole family gathered, we were always hosting dinners and parties and bbqs here.

he is used to having me around for him all of the time, and daddy being "at work". however, when h has been home and left again, i think he notices and then readjusts as if he were never here.

i have not told him yet that our new store closed. it was so nice that my son was seeing his dad every morning, every night and able to go to the store during the day after school and on weekends. now that is gone too.

he asks h every day on the phone when he will be home. he thinks he just works late and leaves early. he tells him what to bring home for dinner, because so recently he was home every night and bringing him things.

that is what kills me. how do u keep leaving your little boy? i dont get it.

i dont get anything.

h just called again, weird for him, especially of late.

he wanted to ask my son a question, i take that as an excuse to call...

Good for you getting all sexy for him. He likes what he is seeing for sure and besides it's fun!!! I would keep it up.
Ramp it up even!!

Are you sure the business has to close? Can you get some help from family and friends to keep it going a while longer and gain some more time for the creative juices to flow to come up with some sales and advertising ideas to drum up more business?

It took us (no kidding) 17 years building our company until it reached a point we knew we would make it no matter what.

My finances are rough. We are financially in a good place, but H filed for a D back in Oct. The courts have jurisdiction over our assets now. H cut off all funds to son and I last July because OW wanted him too. I have a part-time job that pays me take home $247 per week. It's not enough to support two people. My home is paid for. I cannot afford to stay here if we D. It will be too expensive for me to maintain alone. I love my home and so does son. He has only lived here. I do not want to have to leave it.

At this point in time, I am in limbo. I look for other jobs, there aren't really any here for me. I worked with H at our company until March of 2008 (25 years). OW forced H to force me out. She was very threatened by us working together. Little does she know. I still do things from here only I don't get paid. She wormed her way right into the company. She is writing all checks and doing whatever else she can convince H she is good for. Not one of H's brightest business decisions. He knows it now and there is only one way to get her out. That would require him to leave her and come home, MLC land still has it's grip on him.

We are just beginning to talk, it's a tough spot to be in for sure. We can keep talking, perhaps there is a way out. Come up with an idea, talk to people close to you. Someone might be willing to help out. Your son is 5, daycare is expensive. Can someone help out with watching him to ease your financial burden once you find some work? Your H sounds like a smart guy, finding a new job might not be that tough for him if he is motivated.

I don't know, just throwing out some thoughts....

Will stay in touch.....

Sanderika

If H is calling to ask son a question, it's an excuse. I completely agree with you. Your son is 5.

H was checking up on you as usual. IMO, he wanted to make sure you are home.

Let him keep calling. Don't you call/contact him at all for anything (unless son is hurt real bad or something of the like).

Last May my son broke his arm. I called H on the way to the hospital. Otherwise H never hears from me.

i dont usually call him, ever. he always does the calling.

when he was living at home, i did call, but he did more of the calling.

yeah, i think his calling was an excuse, he asked my son something about a ds game.

if he was totally annoyed with me, regarding yesterday and our conversation earlier, he would not have made the call about a ds game. he had already spoken to our son 2 times this afternoon.

i hate this. why does this nasty ow even want him?

he has no job, no money, a wife, a son and a life of lies with her? and she knows it already...so why hold on?

Your H is providing something. Are you sure he has not been honest with her about money? Are you sure he has not provided money to her in some way?

Another thought...OW has recently learned of his troubles with the business and is staying just long enough to find something better. Perhaps where she is currently is better than where she could be.

In my sitch I am positive OW is only after the money. Her best friend knows some of my friends and has admitted this to them about her.

They stay for the most part if there is something they are getting in return or have been promised.

These women are germs. They don't go away easily. We don't really know what our H's say to them and promise them.

I would have my head in the sand if I thought my H didn't love the OW. I know he does. As hateful and evil as she is....he loves her. GROSS!!!!! She was there when I wasn't. She filled an emotional void that I had neglected. I know that he is having a hard time leaving her even though he knows he should.

This all so very confusing and hard to understand. Unfortunately no one sitch is the same, there is no textbook. The personalties that make up the sitches vary widely as well, we have seen something work for one and not another and vice- versa.

Getting to know your man and your sitch inside out will help. Learn and journal, successes and failures. I keep a diary of the events daily. I know when he is with her and when he is not. Knowledge is power. I use it to learn and improve. I have my eyes wide open. My heart just doesn't agree with the common sense part of my brain.

It's funny how they can be totally put out with us one minute and totally gaa gaa the next. I find too that I don't create the annoyance. I have learned that it is the OW who plants the seed in his brain which turns him against me. How can I be the problem? I am not his problem, the OW is his problem. H knows it too.

I think they walk in fear most days. They are just as afraid of their future as we are of ours. I also don't think they like what they have created. They are usually too proud to change it. If yours is like mine, he has paraded his OW around town and acted like the big man on campus to everyone we know. To come home would be admitting weakness and failure. It's going to be hard. Most men will not do that. Most men will break-up with the OW and move on to another one before coming home.

I will go back tomorrow and read more of your posts and previous threads so I can understand where you have been. It would be most helpful in talking with you.

Take care for the night....

Sanderika

thanks.

he has not been honest with her about anything. she gets bits and pieces of truths, only because time keeps passing and she realizes things. she has me tell her things and i only tell the truth.

he has spent the majority of his crisis with her telling me he wants to come home. and then he does on 2 separate occasions.

i know she is pushing for marriage. she is not a citizen here and wants to marry him, im convinced for citizenship.

she saw him as the american dream. and he was once. not anymore.

the money he(we) had is gone. he has no job. and she is seeing this now.

she has got to be realizing what i have told her is the truth. it must be filling in the questions and opened ended things in her head.

she has to see that he came home to me and opened the business with me.

i am not sure how he has covered up and kept this going as long as he has.

my friends are placing bets on when she will dump him. its only a matter of time they tell me, but who knows.

she will see that the divorce is no where near final (that is what she told me, that MY divorce is almost FINAL!) and she will see he truly has no money.

im doing ok today, i tackle what i need to but at the same time, i dont want to let go.

everyone tells me to. everyone points out all of the bad things he has done, and they are all valid points. very valid.

but i know if he showed up, i would take him back.

everyday i have something else financial to clean up from him.

today was the bill from our income taxes informing me he didnt pay what we owed in full. he never told me.

its very upsetting.

so why do i still hold on, hold out hope he can be himself again?

its so hard.

im living day by day, maybe that is how i have to do it now, until one day i wake up and have firmly decided, without waivering, that im finished.

i think i get closer to it everyday. and then i have a setback.

i just dont know.

Ha! Found ya Mrs. Doodles!

Are you still here?

still here and having a total set back right now. everytime he calls i am set back.

atleast if he were sticking to his usual schedule of when he comes home, i would be ok.

now i never know when he is coming. he said he will come friday. so i was like, ok, and sunday morning too as usual?

he was like, maybe we will see, i will let u know...said something about a job. so i was like, did u find one?

and he said, no not yet, still trying to see, etc.

so now im convinced he has other plans, like he is going somewhere, while we have no money...

my mind is racing and conjuring up situations that might not even be true.

i hate this.

Hi mdoodles,

I just finished reading your other thread.

You could be me.

Your H could be mine.

Let's stop beating ourselves up for loving them and having hope.

I am sorry for your finances in such a mess.

I am totally sympathetic to your sitch. My H comes and goes too.

We have few differences. We have been married a whole lot longer and we are quite a bit older than you two. Our son isn't a little boy any longer, a teenager now.

Our stories are very much the same though. There is an answer to all of this. I am very greatful for the advice, however I know in my heart I am the only one who can fix the problem.

The problem is I don't like the answer. I want my H home very badly. My loving him and wanting him home isn't enough to bring him home right now. My H is in a MLC like yours and until they complete this journey on their own, they are truly incapable of being in a committed relationship with anyone. They are unable to be responsible fathers.

The OW are not what they want either. The OW are merely a place away from here. They represent fun and freedom from their responsibilities. Very few of these Relationships last. They can't, they are based on lies and deceit. I believe that they really want us, only are afraid to recommit. That would be too easy and they have their images to uphold. Right now they are interested in being free to choose and behave 17 if they want.
They do not recommit out of fear same as we do not demand they leave us for good giving the lifestyle they are living....fear.

I don't have the answers. I know what works with my H. I have known him since I was 15.

My H just called me, I answered the phone. He was polite and wanted to know where son was. We chatted about that and only that. I thought perhaps we could talk a little bit more, H cut off the call saying he had to do something. I was very upbeat and friendly. I was disappointed in the call. I did not let that on. H merely said "OK, I gotta go now and do ( ). I'll catch you later". Not exactly the treatment I would expect from a man who supposedly wants his M and is looking to reconcile it by July 24th. Whatevah!!!! NO EXPECTATIONS!!!!

We can't fix these issues alone. It takes two to break up a marriage and it is going to take two (fully COMMITTED with LOVE,
TRUST & FORGIVNESS) to reconcile it. They need to leave the OW with NO CONTACT for good.

I find the best thing that has happened from all of this is I found myself again. I am fantastic and a real gem. I am worth coming back to. I like myself again and people enjoy being with me. If H can't grasp what he's giving up how can I do more? I have given my H 46 months to figure this out. It's not up to me anymore. I have done all I could do to save this marriage.

I also believe that sometimes a couple needs to D to reconnect. In my case it might be just the answer. H needs to lose and feel loss to learn from his mistake.

I have no desires to enter into a relationship with anyone else. This has been such a painful experience for me. It has made an impact on me forever. I will never be the same person again, being able to freely trust and feel safe and secure. I have grown through it, there is a price that was paid.

There will come a day like they say when we will have had enough and the answers will be obvious. Until then let's just take it slow, be good to ourselves and those we love and hope for a brighter tomorrow free from these burdens.

My thoughts are with you,

Sanderika

Doodles,

Michelle has a DB fan page on facebook.....

become a fan.

thanks sanderika. i like to have someone to relate to.

its all too hard, its like the clock resets because he was home.

he had left her. he had planned for it all year and now look at this mess.

there is nothing i can do right now to change it.

im trying so hard to keep things in order, to attempt to move on, yet im still holding on to him.

everyday that nothing progresses with our legal separation/divorce, is another day that the ow isnt getting what she wants.

its terrible that im still in this triangle. i shouldnt be.

but i am.

she wants marriage, she is pushing so so hard.

if he wanted it so badly, i would think he would be pushing me.

mdoodles,

He isn't pushing you IMO for 2 reasons....

He doesn't want to marry her.

He doesn't know what he wants.

You are so me....I get some wierd satisfaction of being with my H knowing full well he is cheating on her. You know what they say about payback!! AND....If she doesn't know now, she will one day...that "old talking through the grapevine" doesn't let anyone down or off the hook forever!! She will get what's coming to her and it won't come from me and when it happens it won't be pretty for H.

Our H's won't stay with these trollops forever. I agree with others they will live to regret their choices. I wonder where you and I will be when that happens. I for one hope H comes to me and voices his pain and regret over his choice.

The only reasons these OW push so hard for a D from us and M to them is that they want or need something from H. In your case a greencard. In my case money.

I am right here with you about the rush of hope a call, a visit, some sweet loving attention from H towards us gives us. It's almost like an addiction. We get our fix and we're good to go for a few.

I wonder from a man's mind what it actually does for him, how he thinks. They say a man will eat as many pieces of cake he can get away with. I don't belive my H is one of these men. I do not believe my H likes this sitch anymore than I do. I think he struggles with this turmoil constantly as do I.

My H filed for a D because OW pushed him. H has postponed D three times. I have not postponed it once. H will not move in with OW. H will not and never has introduced her to our son.
Where does she think she stands, I mean really? This woman is dilusional. After almost 4 years does she really think he is going to marry her? She is holding out til he!! freezes over just for the money...no one can convince me otherwise.

Hang in there and just take it one day at a time. Let a sleeping dog lie with regard to those custody and separation papers. Let H do all the work if it's what he wants. If he's like mine and doesn't know you may find yourself in my shoes still in limbo many more months from now. I don't say it to be mean, I never thought I would still be here 46 months post bomb.

(((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika

i love talking to u since we totally relate!

because of money, i think things are going to have to really change.

im losing my big beautiful home. that isnt to say that i cant still wait for him, but i will be waiting somewhere else.

im sick to think his stuff wont be coming with me.

i have 2 months until i have to deal with that, and alot can change in 2 months.

the ow wants and is pushing marriage, my friends think she will leave him shortly, she is already way past her limit on her patience from what i understand.

u are correct that this is like an addiction to us. my therapist told me so. it is not about my self-esteem, i happen to think and know that im quite a catch, beautiful, smart, fun and a great mother and wife. i look in the mirror and the first thing i think is - he is crazy.

it is the thrill of winning him back, the thrill of him coming, the thrill of him telling me he wants to come home.

Originally Posted By: mdoodles

it is the thrill of winning him back, the thrill of him coming, the thrill of him telling me he wants to come home.

If that ever happens, it will be no picnic. That is when the real work begins. It is much harder than this.

YOU are the prize ....not him.

Anyway did you happen to see my previous post about becoming a fan? No, I'm not crazy, I think you will be pleasantly surprised. That's all I can say for fear of breaking the rules here and getting booted. Someone wants you to become a fan.

I wish the OW in my case would blow...up (explode) you know Ka-Boooom!!!! I know she is in this for the long haul. She isn't going anywhere until H forces her to leave. Even then she won't go down w/o a fight.

You at least have some sense that the OW is getting very tired of this charade and is getting ready to push off. IMO this would be the best for everyone, especially H.

Who's to say you can't pack up H's things and move them with you where you go? Nothing says you can't do that. If H isn't fully ready to end the M then don't create the appearance that you want him out.

You have a lot of years of connection ahead of you. Your little boy is 5. Your H seems to be a better Dad than my H. Mine pretty much only qualifies as his father. A Dad is someone completely different. My H needs a huge lesson on being a Dad. I feel so sorry for my son. I would not have had him if I thought his life would be this way. I love him more than life itself and everyday it breaks my heart.

You are right a lot can happen in two months. Let's wait and see what transpires.

I am very lonely tonight, I sent son with FIL for a few days. Son loves to be with him. FIL pays him extra special attention. Today he took him out on the ocean in his boat and they caught a huge striped bass. I think they set him free after the catch which would make my son happy.

I am going to go upstairs and read. I always go to bed early when son isn't here. I can't stand the quiet.

More (((((hugs))))) to you, have a good night. We'll chat tomorrow.

Sanderika

trapt, i have had him back, 2 separate times, most recently last month, he had come home and opened a business with me for a fresh start.

he went back to her, the business is now closed and he is unemployed.

but yes, it is no picnic when they actually come back.

it was thrilling to say the least, but after a few days, it was weird. mostly weird because he hadnt allowed time between being with her and being with me.

he needs to end it with her and be on his own for alittle bit in order to return to our marriage the right way.

and yes, i do know the ow is extremely tired of this charade. but he still feeds her lies im sure, although im thinking she doesnt believe like she did.

when i spoke to her last month, she was all over the place, not so sold on taking him back, yet still trying to get rid of me.

well, one month has passed, she is no closer to her marriage or my divorce being final, as she told me it was...

My H's OW put up with it for almost 2 years before she called it quits. She found out about me and my H. Well actually she didnt find out we had been intimate, but she suspected it. She didnt trust him. He had broken up with her to come back to me many times, then would leave me and go back to her...when she had finally had enough and called it quits, my H still didnt come back to me. Honestly that hurt too. I had hope that if she was gone, he would come back.

In August it will be a year since their split and he tells me that they hardly ever talk anymore.

the ow in my ugly situation has been seeing him for just about 3 years - however, for a good year and half of that, she thought i was totally out of the picture, from what i hear, she thought we were either legally separated or already divorced.

so really, its been about 14 months that she has known more about me, spoken to me and started questioning everything.

i do believe that without her in the picture, he would show up at my door.

does not make it ok, does not make it right.

and honestly, maybe i wouldnt even want him at that point.

but i do know i want her to leave him, i want that fake relationship over.

i have gone through so much with this, like many of you.

but after planning and opening this business, losing our money and my parent's money, the business closing, and him lying his way back to her as his escape, its just not fair.

I am so amazed that there are women out there willing to have relationships with married men. Right here we have:

In my case the OW has always known about me = 46+ Months Now.

Kissak's sitch = OW hangs around 23+/- Months.

mdoodles sitch = OW 14-36 Months with a married man.

In the past 46 months I have been approached several times, one of the men was married and I told him I would not have a relationship with him for that fact. His wife didn't deserve to have an OW in her life and it certainly would not be me.

These women cannot be real. I mean they cannot really believe that they can ever have a committed relationship with our H's.
Look at the durations they have stayed and what's changed for them....NOTHING!!!!!

mdoodles, I like you have always believed that if the OW were not in the picture my H would have come home a long time ago. The other woman in your sitch is going to run out of time. Your D won't be final before she is given the boot in the a$$ back to Poland.

Kissak, maybe my H would not be home like yours. You have made me think real hard about that. A year is a long time. What does he say now to you? Is he engaged in another affair? Do you honestly feel things have bettered between you and H since she walked away? Does he speak more of reconciling now and not divorce?

You know there is something that keeps them away. I don't think it is the relationship with us because we seem to get along fine....you and yours and me and mine. It's them....they can't see recommitting with us, the problem lies with them. The MLC still has a huge hold on them. Yes, we see glimpses of hope, let's face it it's far less than we would like and it only keeps us in the limbo that we are all so tired of. It's extremely unfair to ourselves that we allow this to be happening in our lives still.

I know there is an answer to this for us all.....

Maybe we are all living in a dilusional fog ourselves. Maybe we need to really give up the fight once and for all.

I have read here so many times that it's only when we really give up and move on with strength and resolve in a new life we have created just for us is when they come rushing back.

I have yet to challenge this theory. I am way to passive to take a real stand. Maybe it's time I do.....

As of today we have 30 days left of our 6 month D postponement to reconcile this marriage. Keep in mind it was all H's idea. What do you all think he will do in court on July 24th @ 9:30am?

See girls....I got cynical. I hate that.

I will go for now.....

Sanderika

u cant let go or give up until u are truly ready to do so. u arent being cynical, u just arent ready to switch gears, even though u may like to be.

i would like to let go, but at the same time, i think of how the time when i did, and it didnt do anything.

my husband even said to me several months ago, where were u when i first left, i didnt see u fighting for me then.

and that sticks with me.

in truth, he doesnt deserve me. doesnt deserve me fighting for him, especially now, after him coming back, leaving his job, opening this business with our family money and now running back to her.

but i think he likes to feel wanted and needed, he likes me to fight for him.

everyone tells me he isnt worth it, that i have to stop.

and i get it, i think we all get it.

but we arent ready to stop. they tell me i will know when im done.

as for the ow, they will know when they are done too. hopefully it is before me.

mdoodles, thanks!!

My H actually said the same as yours. I had forgotten about that, OMG!!!

It was back in Nov of 05 after the bomb. We were in our offices and he said that I did nothing after the bomb to make him feel like I wanted him to stay.

I can remember why, it was because the bomb scared me to death and immediately drained me of my confidence and safe secure feelings. I was afraid to be in the same room as him let alone try and change his mind. I was sure that he meant what he said and there was no choice. I never thought he would stay away. I actually thought that we had such a huge bond that he would be back within a few weeks.

I also immediately knew about the OW. He met her on Aug 7th in 05 and I had immediate knowledge thanks to friends. I knew he was leaving me for her. He did deny this though. My friends actually gave me photographs and I still have them. He didn't admit to having a OW until July of 06.

I bucked up and have spent the last let's say 44 months fighting for him. He knows perfectly well what I want. Everyone does.
I have actually lost my entire family because I am standing for my marriage. I have zero contact with them now. They hate H and don't agree with me at all for not having gotten D'd already. H does not know this has all happened. I keep it a secret except here and my girlfriends know.

In the end of Sept. into Oct, of 05 I did a 360. I changed my appearance (hairstyle, wardrobe, makeup, attitude, manners, etc...) I started to make the changes for him. I soon realized that I was making them for me and everyone in my world I loved. I started to get compliments. H noticed immediately. It was the changes I made that has kept the marriage alive. I have maintained my changes and could not go back now. I practiced them until they became me.

He's still with her and not me???? The changes were good but they haven't brought me ultimately what I want. I want my family back, whole and lovingly happy together.

You are right about stopping the fight, we aren't ready. These H's are a part of us and we can't let that part go. Mine means the world to me, he is the love of my life. There can be no other.

Like you, I wish the OW would know they are fighting a losing battle and will just leave. They seem to be as stubborn as we are.

Sanderika

am i stubborn, i dont even know what i am anymore.

i know i should let go and move on, that the coming home this time and the store opening and closing should be enough to show me its over now, that this cannot continue.

i know it will never work with us unless this ow is out of the picture completely.

and who knows if that is possible.

yet im still holding on. even when i think im making progress, in the back of my mind, i know i would take him back.

maybe thats ok. maybe we should move on, do our thing, and somehow know and accept we are moving on, but can keep the door slightly open for them.

i just dont know anymore.

everyone thinks im crazy, except my mother-in-law of course!

Originally Posted By: mdoodles

am i stubborn, i dont even know what i am anymore.

i know i should let go and move on, that the coming home this time and the store opening and closing should be enough to show me its over now, that this cannot continue.

i know it will never work with us unless this ow is out of the picture completely.

and who knows if that is possible.

yet im still holding on. even when i think im making progress, in the back of my mind, i know i would take him back.

maybe thats ok. maybe we should move on, do our thing, and somehow know and accept we are moving on, but can keep the door slightly open for them.

i just dont know anymore.

everyone thinks im crazy, except my mother-in-law of course!

Hey M,

You are all over the map here.....

I'm thinkin that you should step back and remember what it is that YOU want out of this time....

Cause YOU get to use it too.....to find you....

Move on ?

Really ?

Is that what you want ?

There is a difference in moving on and moving forward, which is what you need to do.

Making progress ?

That is up to you to do...and you can only do that for you, not the Marriage.

You are your responsibility in this.....he is not

You should really lay down some firm boundries about the going back and forth......those are for YOU, not him.

Find a balance for you....

Are you crazy ?

Cause I'm thinkin that YOU are the only one who gets to make that decision.....

Get up, dust yourself off, and get back on that horse....

Go back and really read Trapt's post to you earlier.....the one about Michelle's page.....

mdoodles,

Yes, we are stubborn. It's not a bad thing.

We know what we want and are stubborn to give up the fight.

I like it that Mach1 said we should move forward rather than put it as move on.

Moving forward we can leave the door open a crack.

Moving on sounds more like closing and nailing it shut.

Our H's are confused in their wants. It would be healthier for us to cope with this madness by living well and looking forward. Today let's do for us without regard to what they would say or want us to do. They aren't here, right?

I am pondering applying for a second job so I can be busier. It's at our local school district as a facilities secretary 20 hours a week. I am going to do just that. I don't care what H thinks about the idea. I would rather go back to my company, right now that is not an option. H isn't making any steps towards that either. I have a plan......taking action right now.....here I go.....

What are you going to do?

Sanderika

whats the deal with michelle's page?

It's on FB. under Divorce Busting....become a fan. That's about all I can say...gotta respect the rules of the board.

Originally Posted By: trapt

It's on FB. under Divorce Busting....become a fan. That's about all I can say...gotta respect the rules of the board.

( In deep booming voice)

Listen to young Trapt, for he knows of what he speaks....

It just feels wierd saying that......

Originally Posted By: Mach1

( In deep booming voice)

Listen to young Trapt, for he knows of what he speaks....

It just feels wierd saying that......

LMAO!!! I'm framing this!! Leaving out the wierd part though.

I agree with Mach1. You have to stop trying to win him back. He should be the one to win you. He sure does not sound like much of a prize - a man that would cheat on his wife with a much more immature woman.

Your H has no consequences. He knows he has you no matter what.

You need to set some firm boundaries and rules. First off, no intimacy or flirting while he is still not committed to the marriage. He also should not be allowed to come and go as he wishes. You need to setup a parenting plan on paper that can be followed.

I can say from experience that when one detaches to the point of not wanting their spouse back, that the wayward spouse will then realize what they are losing. However, dont be so easy to take him back. He needs to be the one to lead and convince you that piecing (the most difficult part) can work.

Show some strength and hold on to your dignity. You cant continue to be played like a woman yoyo - it will damage you emotionally in the long run. Take charge of this situation. It may be time to strike hard legally to protect yourself financially.

u are right, im like a yoyo.

im nervous to move forward legally, im trying to not go legal, just busy protecting what is left to protect.

u are right, piecing is the hardest, we have tried it twice and it is truly difficult.

Originally Posted By: Sanderika

Kissak, maybe my H would not be home like yours. You have made me think real hard about that. A year is a long time. What does he say now to you? Is he engaged in another affair? Do you honestly feel things have bettered between you and H since she walked away? Does he speak more of reconciling now and not divorce?

First let me say that my H said the same as yours all have..."can you say that you honestly have fought for me?"

After the OW dumped my H, she moved on very quickly and remarries a man she barely knew. He says they dont talk much anymore....dont really believe him, but whatever. After she left he mentioned on several occasions of wanting to come home. That he had been thinking about it. We started talking alot more. We are better friends.

But, the OW has recently walked away from her marriage. Ever since, my H has become more distant and I think the 2 are connected...he says there not. He claims that he just doesnt "need" to talk to me as much anymore. He has not mentioned divorce AT ALL. I think he gets scared when he makes a decision one way or the other. SO, if he stays neutral, he feels better...but that leaves us in limbo.

Over the past month he has stopped talking as much...i wonder if he is talking to someone new, he says he is not though. He hasnt had any relationships with anyone else other than the exOW...

Honestly Im glad that she is gone. She broke up my marriage. I would rather him be with anyone else other than her. But like I said, I always thought he would come back if she werent in the pic...but he hasnt. BUT, its only been less than a year since they broke up...so, I dont know.

Sorry for rambling on your thread MDOODLES. I find alot of similarites in all 3 of our sitchs.

i 100% agree with u - if it was any other woman, i wouldnt feel as bad. its this slime of a girl that must go.

if we truly end of separation/divorced, and he moves on to meet someone else, i dont think it would hurt as much.

this girl is so pushing for marriage, so frustrated, so at the last straw, im curious as to what will happen.

i didnt talk to my husband yesterday, kinda weird. my son called him and they spoke, i didnt bother to get on the phone.

i had nothing to say anyway...

M,

Originally Posted By: MDoodles

i didnt talk to my husband yesterday, kinda weird. my son called him and they spoke, i didnt bother to get on the phone.

That's not a bad thing you know......

Reading through your last several posts, I have noticed that you are way too focused on everything except where that focus needs to be. Sitting and wondering about what if, will tear you apart.

YOU, are letting that happen, and in doing so, you are enabling him to get away with whatever he wants to, cause he sees you , waiting for him, and he knows that you will always be an option for him.

DB'ing is about getting on with YOUR life while your spouse figures things out. You are gonna have to do your part.

You must find some positive in you right now. Maybe instead of saying that you are going to lose your house, think that you are going to get to go pick out a cute little place that you can make all your own.....That is just an example of course.

Things aren't always as they seem, and assuming that his life is perfect right now, well, that isn't always the case.

Get out and live life for you, do the work on you, and find more enjoyment than sorrow.

Detachment is truly a peaceful place for you.

You can still love him from a distance, but it is unhealthy for you to get bogged in his quicksand.

Read the MLC resources at the top of the page, and really understand what you are dealing with. Rational and MLC don't go together very often, so don't try to spin them together....

thanks...i do things for myself, take care of myself and my son, get out with friends etc.

but how do u truly detach? how do u not care?

how do u wake up without the pain in your heart?

im sure he is not happy right now, things cannot possibly be fun and games wherever he is right now...

maybe if the finances werent so bad, i wouldnt be so overwelmed.

maybe if i knew where i was moving too, maybe if i wasnt under such a sudden time constraint, i wouldnt be so overwelmed.

its everything all at once this time around. and its alot.

yes it is difficult
not an easy road here for the LBS
time time time
is the answer
we heal in time
we change in time
we let go in time
everyday we get closer
so everyday counts
all you can do is your best to continue
doing whatever footwork you can financially
taking care of son and self
trying to have a little fun (if possible)
read
pray
exercise
have faith
you are closer than you think to the blessings
peace

/\ What she said.

I think that you have to start by finding some positive things around you.

Understanding WHAT you are dealing with will bring you closer to detaching.....

Doing things FOR YOU and NOT in spite of him.

Finding a balance within, one that allows you to be you and not worry about affecting the relationship or him , or trying (and focusing) on splitting apart the affair.

Dwelling on what is good instead of what MAY happen.

Let's start there ?

We are here to help you, but YOU need to do the work.....

the problem is that i dont heal in time. because everything always changes with us.

nothing is ever final, nothing is ever over.

even last year, when for a few weeks i was at peace with being over, everything turned around and changed. it took time to suck me back in, but he did.

this time too. a few weeks ago i was convinced this was it, then he changed towards me, i was immediately sucked back in.

so, i have a very hard time fully moving foward, because in the back of my mind, i say to myself, this isnt it, it isnt over, things will be ok.

and i have a very hard time overriding those thoughts.

i get out, do my thing, pull myself together, but at the same time, he is who i want, he is who i think about, i want my husband back.

mdoodles, my h has sucked me back in MANY times...more than I care to mention...but at least a dozen or two! That sounds awful, but i will say that each time it got easier. Time is really the only thing thats gonna make it better. Also for me, I would NOT be where I am without Prayer and God's help. Im sorry you are having such a hard time. It is by no way easy. I think the only thing that helps me through things is seeing where I am and where my H is. I am truly blessed with all that I have....my h is alone, bored, living in a camper, broke and has lost alot of his friends. Alot of the friends he has now are ones that he has recently made....they dont know him well enough yet. I miss him though. The old him.

Keep taking it one hour or day at a time. Think about all that you do have, not what you dont have. Try to think about what Mach1 said, go out and find that cute little house for you and your son.

cute little house? there will be no cute little house...

i lost all equity in my big beautiful house, im leaving with nothing.

im hoping, to get a cute little apt. hoping.

i cant blame the business failing, we didnt go into it thinking it would fail. my husband would not have left his high paying job to now be unemployed.

i blame him giving up so quickly.

so now my financial picture is a big of a nightmare.

i think that is adding to my overwelmed feelings.

i know i will be ok, i know i have help from family, i know i have the 401k, which is large.

but everything else is an unknown.

and the love triangle doesnt help, even when i try my best to remove myself from it.

im taking things one minute at a time, going to the mets game today, my son will really enjoy it and i will enjoy taking him.

I hope you and your son enjoy the game today!

Originally Posted By: mdoodles

but how do u truly detach? how do u not care?

how do u wake up without the pain in your heart?

I think you have to go through phases. For me, it was when I felt rage that my wife got our children exposed to the physical aspect of her affair. I reached a point where I said - "Enough!" and I filed. Taking charge of the situation gave me confidence. I reached a point where I decided that I could live my life happily without her.

The financial worrys are real, but in all likelyhood, you will bounce back. Try not to focus on them that much, but more on what you can do to take charge now of you and your son's life.

One guy I follow here that I respect a lot is faithisbelieving. He has been at this for over 3 years and has been tied up in the lousy New York divorce legal system for far too long. Also, he recently had a fiasco with his STBXW of taking his son out on Citifield for a Mets game. He too tried to piece things back with his cheating MLC wife and she kept playing him like a yoyo. I hope he is not damaged for future relationships.

just got back from citifield, we had a great time. atleast the sun is shining in new york again, its been a while!

its funny, the ny legal system is actually in my favor - not so easy for him to up and separate/divorce me.

im not at that point yet, if its forced upon me fine, but it wont be easy.

its not easy anyway i look at it.

h is here, and i have to say, im tired of the knots in my stomach.

im tired of him being all nice and all over me for weeks and then switching completely off towards me.

he seems miserable and is acting miserable.

i do not like miserable. im a naturally bubbly person, i dont do miserable.

i last spoke to him on tuesday, which is weird to not talk since then, but i did not want to initiate calling or texting.

he told me he would come this afternoon.

i said i have plans during the day and would be home about 3 or after.

sure enough my cell rings at 2:50, calling me from my house, asking when i will be home.

im glad i wasnt home waiting for him. im glad he had to pick up the phone to wonder where i am.

im glad if he was annoyed that we werent here when he felt like being early.

i hate that things are so weird between us, but i know he made it this way.

i am always consistent with my feelings, always consistent with the way i treat him.

he did this.

Good job at not being at his beck and call.

What are your feelings when you were near him today? Anger, creepiness, worry, irritation, hesitation, nervousness, pity, hopefullness, hopelessness, used, etc...?

my feelings? just knowing he was at the house, i had a pit in my stomach, extremely nervous and uncomfortable.

i never used to feel this way, it started last week, because he went from nice and all over me, to cold and distant and weird.

he took our son out for alittle now,but when he returns i do not know how to act. he doesnt seem talkative.

things are so weird, i hate it and dont want to deal with it.

I can predict what will happen when you give him the cold shoulder and appear to move on with your life - he will want what he cant have. Been there done that. My W asked for a another chance right before our D was final. I knew in my heart that she did not have it in her to ever work hard to regain my trust and I told her no.

You have been at this turmoil a lot longer than I had. I respect your resolve, but I also question where your future is heading. There exists a real possibility that he may always be in and out of your life. Do you deserve a relationship like that? You are still young and in the prime of your life as a woman. I see you have one son. Do you want anymore children? I assume you have dreams of a beautiful married life with a good man that will do all he can to keep his wife happy. Do you realistically believe your H can ever get to the point where he will work his butt off reading books or seeking out the advice of other good men on how to be the best husband for his wife?

I probably should not even post to you as I have a fairly pessemistic attitude now about cheaters. I know of only one person here (gForce) that I followed who had his marriage reconciled happily. It's just that I get this feeling that you are letting every thing your H or his mistress does control your life.

where is my future heading? well, in the next 2 months, alot will happen.

not sure if u read my previous posts, but we had opened a business together, which is now closed.

my husband must find a new job, he is unemployed now and i am a housewife. my house is sold and i have to move by sept, not knowing yet where i am going.

i am planning on moving without him as of now, and proceeding as if we will be legally separated, although im not ready to move ahead legally.

im looking into breaking back into working again and trying to plan my life without him, even though i would want him in it.

do i think he will ever do the work necessary, to rebuild us the right way? he might.

i have seen glimpses of him, i thought we were at that point of rebuilding, especially when we planned and opened our business to get him away from ow.

i do feel myself stuck in the love triangle, i am trying my best not to focus on it.

i do want more kids, u are correct...

i figure the next few months will be telling as to where we will be headed.

having a busy weekend, which is always a good thing...

when the sun is shining things always feel better, dont they?

i hope this sunny weather lasts, its been so rainy here in ny and i swear, it has a major effect on my mood.

i dont know if i posted the events of friday evening, but it took a turn in my favor, i gained some confidence that was needed...h was following me around the house, doing things only a husband should do in front of his wife..

then he came in our room and said, im leaving. so i said, ok..

normally he is looking for attention, looking for me to touch him, hug him, tell him not to go. i just said, ok.

well it caught him off guard. he did not leave. continued to linger. continued to look at me, make excuses to be in our room while i was there.

2 more times said, im going. i said, ok...i was nice, but didnt give in.

finally he left.... 20 minutes later, guess who called?

yup, he needed to tell me something...lol

he was so thrown by me, so thrown by me not texting or calling him after he left...

i gained some control, it really gave me confidence, i didnt feel as lost when he left, didnt feel as bad, if this makes sense.

and not being home when he called last night was great!!

i miss him, i really truly do but im doing ok.

i waiver between my woman scorned mood and the letting go, whatever happens mood.

maybe there is a happy medium somewhere in there...

been keeping really busy, which truly is a good thing for the mind.

went to the beach yesterday, when i got home, h was already in the house.

he was all over me yesterday, sitting wherever i was, including on our bed, watching tv with me.

i cant figure him out, i guess im not supposed to.

i saw his reflection in the tv screen, he was not watching tv, rather looking at me, looking at me laying on the bed next to him.

i know what i was wearing was driving him wild, which of course is always a boost in confidence...

he took son out for a little and called to ask if what son wanted to bring in for dinner was ok with me( as if he ever called questioning the food? lol)...

came back home and came upstairs to sit with me in our room..

he finally gave in to his temptation, i didnt turn him away.

not sure if that is good or not...

i kept up my confidence when he left, i did not ask him to stay, did not text or call him.

im doing the best i can, trying to pack, find where to move and even a part time job.

but im not letting go of him, i dont want to. not yet.

who knows what will happen. clearly he is still confused, who knows if he will ever leave the confused state.

Originally Posted By: mdoodles

came back home and came upstairs to sit with me in our room..

he finally gave in to his temptation, i didnt turn him away.

not sure if that is good or not...

Did you ML because you thought this might bring him back?

This just seems strange to me.

He ML with you and then leaves to possibly go be with OW.

I would feel used.

The guy is not having much consequences.

i did not ml with him, i told him i wouldnt.

i never seem to feel used, i feel as though, im his wife and i have a right to do what i want with him...

does it bother me about her? yes.

but i still feel he is mine, if i choose to be intimate.

will it continue this way, i do not know.

Mdoodles, I understand your side completely with this.

Ok, I was confused by what you previously wrote.

I do think that letting him get close in an intimate way makes it harder for you to detach emotionally. A similar thing happened with me in that W and I would have some long kisses and embraces when she was leaving (after visiting with kids) to return to OM. She was on the fence and it did me no good in detaching. I should have let her know that as long as she was still living with him there was to be no attempt at reconcilling our M.

i dont know that i see our encounters as an attempt to reconcile. i think it keeps us linked, keeps us connected, and keeps as at the point where we might consider reconciling.

i know im trying to move on, trying to move forward, but still keeping the door open for him,,,,it is ultimately what i want.

i want my family together, i want my husband to fully recover from this and be willing to work on things with me.

what i do realize is that ow must be fully out of the picture, most likely for a while, before we can even address our marriage.

i do realize boundaries would need to be set, should he return home.

i dont expect him home tomorrow. or the next day.

im living things day by day for now.

N
seems like a good plan to move forward and keep the door open
peace

i posted what happened in my thread under infidelity.

psycho ow is at it again...this time she "spoofed" my cell phone number, sending my husband several texts through the computer, claiming to be me.

then she was calling me repeatedly last night, i did not answer.

then he called me telling me i was sending him texts. i told him it was not me.

what a nightmare, who knows what the texts said, i hope he believes that it wasnt me.

clearly she is trying to get rid of me, she must be feeling threatened.

Of course she is threatened! Hopefully he will see her for what she is. Why would she be calling you? What could she possibly have to say to you?

if he hasnt seen her for what she is by now, he never will.

the thing is, he knows she is crazy. i dont get why he still goes back to her.

im thinking she is totally losing it now, totally realizing she isnt marrying him anytime soon.

she told me my divorce was almost final the last time i spoke to her!!!

i dont think she has anything to say to me, just likes to lash out and call me.

h called me 2 times this afternoon, clearly he is feeling bad about the calls last night, he even spoke so sweetly to me about the "spoofing" of my phone number.

he knows it wasnt me. i wonder what she was writing. i bet her broken english gave her away...lol

h was here this afternoon, after son and i got back from the beach....

and when he left, maybe 5 minutes later, i received a private call. i am careful to answer them, because i do not wish to speak to her.

of course whoever it was, hung up on me.

and i so know it was her.

she is really grasping. why hang up? its so high school. what is the point?

my opinion, she is angry, frustrated and nuts...maybe calling to hang up is her way to lash out.

Sorry Mdoodles, but I think it is so funny that the OW is acting like that...Im mean, that is just so immature of her...I dont know why these OW do this...I mean I guess its cuz they feel threatened and all, but come on...

Hope you are planning on doing something fun this weekend!

mdoodles, I'm sorry, but I haven't read all of your back story...how old is OW in your case? Of course you and your H aren't all that old anyway, so she's probably pretty young. I'm guessing there is probably a legit reason for her immaturity. (OW in my case is 24, was 22 when A started (my H is 45).) She does sound just a little insane and delusional and desperate!

Hang in there!

Peace,
Dawn

she is 22....i recall last summer she started with the once a day hang up, although at the time i didnt think it was her since i believed my husband that he had broken it off with her...hmm maybe he had and that was why she was calling, who knows..

i blocked her from calling my cell phone, although it seems i need to keep calling my provider to make sure it is remaining blocked, something keeps happening to unblock it, and something tells me she has what to do with it.

at home i dont mind, i would rather know she is trying to get through to me, its just if im not, i would rather not be interupted with texts or calls.

i wish she would just give up and leave him already for good, or let him leave her. they are doomed anyway, why not see it now?

she wants to get married, has been pushing for it for like 18 months already. and clearly he isnt giving it to her.

It's not you that she's trying to get at, but your h. She knows that if she continues this childish behavior, you may very well get disgusted w/your h about it all. Also, it could be that she's trying to get him to pick up at your house. There is no logic behind the calls except to aggravate you and your h.

Have you thought of getting an unlisted/unpublished number? The only way that she will get the number then is from someone you know. If you put a block on your phone, it should hold. Is she impersonating you as well? Identity theft in the making?

They really do feel threatened by us, don't they?

totally threatened by us, totally.

i may change my cell number, but she will get it because she searches his phone.

she so doesnt trust him, as well she shouldnt!!!!

i could put the private call block on the home phone, i had at one time, but i then unblocked it, to show h how often she was calling.

she is definitely trying to get rid of me, make me so frustrated that i walk.

not happening. i hate that im in this game, but he is my husband, i want my family and i want her gone!

i realize right now that he is no prize, not who he was. he is unemployed, a cheater, in debt and in crisis.

but, he is my husband and i love him and i believe in him.

he is only 29, so much time to grow up and recover, if he chooses to do so, and i would like to be around for it assuming it happens.

i hope it frustrates her even more that i do not lower myself to her level and call her back to rant about the hang ups.

Hi mdoodles.....

I have been following along....I had to depart from posting for a bit...I do this when I feel I am developing a "bad attitude". I come to the boards for support and advice and to offer some and then end up frustrated by reading all the posts. It really hurts me so much to see all the people out there with troubles like ours. When I escape from it I can re-focus on my stand and it gives me time to think about all the posts and advice and opinions. I am not sure if this makes any sense to you....

I too have been the victim of the OW calling and harrassing me...

Once I started to share her verbal phone message attacks with H, they stopped.

Since OW's line comes up as a private caller, do you know her #?

If so.........

I would not stand for it...Put a # block on your land-line. Change your cell #, don't share it with H, be sure to explain the reason why. H has your land-line # tell him until this activity ceases you would appreciate it if he reaches you through that avenue.

If H is reasonable at all he will understand the frustration this is causing you and he will not be angered by your decision, he will support it instead.

You do not have to live with harrassment. He should not want you or son to either.

I think this will cause her even more frustration and anxiety.
AND, who cares if it does, right???? She isn't deserving of any
courtesy or respect. Block her from your existence.

Be sure you are careful at home too...read on....

I hope she does not know where you live. These "Psyco-B*tches"
are low life enough to come knocking when they become threatened.
Please keep all your doors locked even in the middle of the day. Keep your car locked in the yard too. If she is like the "P-B" in my sitch she will get macho enough to show up when you least expect it.

The OW in my sitch came to my home once and threatened me, that was back in Nov. '06. It was election night, I was watching the returns. It was 10:10pm. My son was in bed. She used forceable entry to get into my kitchen. Yes, I had opened the door-I didn't expect it would be her. I live in a very small town-all friendly. I could not keep the door shut against her strength. The OW has about 7" in height over me and about 60-70 lbs. Before I knew it I was being pushed around and verbally assaulted with vulgar swears. Son heard it all. I ended up being punched and tossed down a set of granite stairs and a broken finger with lots of bumps and bruises. She went on to break a window in my truck. Her big complaint for the evening:
"STAY AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND" YOU heard me....YUP!!! "STAY AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND". OMG!!! OMG!!! OMG!!!

Just one of many stories I could tell...It's been a long 47 months!!

You see the MLC of these H's take them from here into the lives of women like these. They cannot see the devastating destruction and unhealthy alliance being with these trollops causes.

It truly takes time and repetition of destructive behaviors by the OW, along with patience and love and compassion, forgiveness and kindness and time from us to enable them to see through the fog to a place where they can be comfortable again. With hope it is with us and not with another OW. They WILL NOT stay with these OW they are with right now. I truly believe this. Their days are numbered.

I think they would return home if they were guaranteed in some way that things were truly different here at home. They want to come back but not to what was....

I am sorry you are being harrassed...I have been there. Look at it that she is only digging her own grave. Her true colors are really ugly!!!!!!!!!

Take care, my thoughts are with you....

Sanderika

thanks sanderika, im so sorry for what u have been through.

i know u are struggling with the court date. i hope it goes well for u.

as for ow in my situation, i often wonder if she will show up here. it is far for her, but i do think it will happen at some point, surprised it hasnt yet, but it may be because she always believed him that we were legally separated or divorced.

she is blocked from my cell phone, may still change it.

she comes up private at home, i can block all private, which i have done, now i keep the block off to keep track of when she calls. i do not talk to her.

yesterday, got a weird restricted call on my cell with a voicemail.

i have a thing about hearing her voice so i have others check and see who it was.

my mil checked said it was someone talking in spanish.

i dont believe it, i think it was her or her sister or her friend.

i will see what the day brings.

she is definitley feeling insecure, even more than before.

my doors are always locked, alarm on most of the time.

i do not open the door, ever. i look out from an upstairs window.

i often say i will get a letter in the mail from her using magazine lettering glued together to send her message!

i was just out for dinner with my parents and i got a text from psycho ow!

i deleted it without reading it. im on the phone with my cell provider to find out how she got past the call blocker.

its one thing to get calls at home, another to get calls/messages when im out with other people.

i havent called my husband yet. dont know if i should.

clearly something is up.

Hi mdoodles, I am so sorry you are experiencing this. The OW is sick.

The OW is determined to drive you away. Her aim is to make you angry and sick enough of the sitch that you volunteer just that.

If I were you I would have read the text. Knowledge is power and you will gain some insight as to the emotional stability of the "P-B".

You need to be prepared to take it to authorities if you have to.

In the future please read it no matter how upsetting it might be to you. If you really cannot, have someone else read it before deleting.

IMO your H needs to also know OW is still harrassing you.

I agree with others she wants you out of the picture. She is getting desperate if she is making contact several times a day. She is showing her emotional instability and I think that could be dangerous. Please let as many people know as you can that this woman is doing this.

After the OW in my sitch assaulted me, I called the State Police. I also wrote an email to my mother and gave her as much information as I possibly could about her. Full Name, DOB, Address, Tel Numbers, Vehicle Registrations...YUP, all of it. I became my own PI. I made it my business to know all I could about her. I also wrote in the email that should anything happen to me or my son, she would most likely be the person
responsible. I also wrote a brief paragraph explaining her connection to me.

I don't trust some of these OW....I think they become obsessed out of desperation. Each having their own reason for wanting our H's so badly.

As you read these posts....there isn't an OW in any sitch that actually is not threatened by the wife. As I see it they would rather see us dead than have to live with our existence in our H's lives. They are jealous and will fight and fight dirty.

I am concerned about your's and son's welfare now...

Watch your back even closer than before. She may end up stalking you. I don't want to scare you, she is a nutjob. You cannot predict her behavior now.

Stay focused on dealing with this. Tell others tonight what is going on....

Take care and (((((HUGS))))),

Sanderika

thanks... i am always careful, i like to think she wouldnt venture all the way out here, but u never know.

i also live next door to my in-laws, perhaps that keeps her away too...

i really have no interest in reading what she writes, it may have been a picture she was sending me, i dont need to see it.

i have read messages from her before, telling me to leave them alone, asking me to talk to her or messages that responded to texts i sent my husband to his phone.

i spoke to my husband, told him about the messages and told him i deleted it before i read it, that all that mattered is who was sending it.

i spoke with my phone company, they have her listed as a blocked number.

i have documented information and sent it to my attorney.

im assuming she is having some trouble in paradise. maybe she should try dating someone that isnt married.

Originally Posted By: Sanderika

I think they would return home if they were guaranteed in some way that things were truly different here at home. They want to come back but not to what was....

My H actually said this....he would come home if there was a guarantee that it would work.

Wow, Sanderika...You seemed to have had it bad with your H's OW. I can say that the only way my H's exOW harrassed me was by leaving little messages on her Mspce page...just to let me know how happy she was and how pathetic I was. She was very threatened by me...even would text me at times wanting to know the truth. She never trusted my H. With good reason.

I wonder what would happen if we picked up the phone and told these OW that they could have our sorry no good cheating h's if they want them...if they are that desperate for a man....would they still want them if they werent in a competition with us for them? I believe after awhile the excitement would wear off...my H's OW would always start some kind of drama if things were going good with them...its like the drama excited her.

Be careful Mdoodles with this OW, which I know you are being careful...just you never know what people are capable of.

i have talked to her and told her the truth many many times. i never told her she can have him, i just told her the whole history of the time they have been together, including what i was told during that time. i did a pretty good timeline for her.

either she believed me and didnt care, or didnt believe me yet thinks often of what i have said.

regardless, she told me that MY divorce was almost final back in may.

perhaps now that it is july, she is seeing the truth...finally?

who knows. all i know is all week i have been dealing with her using my phone number to send him messages one day, getting hang ups at home once a day, a weird message yesterday and a text today.

mdoodles,

The OW is clearly then using a different phone # to contact you from.

There is not going to be any stopping her.

Changing all your numbers and not sharing with H is most likely the only way to stop her. That is not a good option. H needs to have a way to contact you if for no other reason than your little boy.

More important now to let others know she is doing this crazy behavior. Your In-Laws living next door, are they aware of exactly what is going on in your life? I think they should be, if you haven't already told them. They will keep a watchful eye out for you as well. I am glad you told H, trusting him to take care of the problem you can't. He needed to know just the same.

I think you have a good handle on the severity of this problem.

I am still going to worry about you....

Sanderika

thanks for caring sanderika! i appreciate it.

my inlaws are well aware of everything, my mil is my best friend and ally in this situation. and he knows it.

the phone company told me i needed to do an update on my phone, that was why she was able to get through with the text.

she may send texts all the time and since i have her blocked they dont get through. this one did though.

id love to know if they are fighting. i like to think they are.

we never fought, let her keep flipping out, let her keep lashing out and questioning things.

all while i lay low and quiet and friendly.

There you go....mdoodles,

YUP, lay low, quite and friendly.

You be the greener grass!!!!

Anew2moro once told a poster(LBW) to be the OW. I kind of like that statement. I have thought of myself many times just like that. Kind of funny, huh?

Eventually their shine wears off. They will show their true colors and when they do H won't be finding them so pretty. I hear it through the grapevine all the time that my H and his OW fight all the time. Like you I can't say that we did.

Keep your chin up girlfriend. Have a good week.

Sanderika

Geez ow stalker how crazy is that. I find that behavior just crazy, like they haven't done enough destruction as it is.

Be careful and don't allow her texts and messages get to you. Be silent. She is a wack job.

havent heard from crazy girl since that text, im thinking she is trying to provoke me and get me to call her and respond.

not going to happen.

i have bigger things to worry about right now, like where we are going to live when my house is taken from me.

the best i can do right now to plan for it is to have the house cleaned out and packed up.

so that is what im doing. i walk around with a bag everyday looking to throw things out.

i have sorted through the toys, keeping half and looking to sell half.

my husband needs a job. im not one to push or pressure or even question too much, but i need to stay on top of him with the job thing.

he is a workaholic. i cannot imagine he isnt looking for a job but who knows with a mlc mind.

Have you thought about a restraining order?

ive thought about it, but wont pursue it, atleast not yet.

if she ever actually shows up here, i will...

i do not plan to take her calls, but if for some reason it occurs and depending upon what she says, i will...

i have bigger things to worry about right now than a 22 year old psycho ow from another country.

Hello mdoodles,

Thanks for posting on my thread.

I am happy you have reported that "P-B" hasn't made contact since the last time.

In my State we can put a PFA Order (Protection from Abuse or Restraining Order) on a family member only. Otherwise here we have to file a Legal Complaint (like sueing) for Harrassment on any other individual. It has to go to court the way any other case does and in some cases a trial. I never considered that as one of my options when the OW assaulted me because of the complexity it involved here.

Do you think H said something to threaten her in regards to her very bad behavior?

If your H is a work-a-holic I am sure he is looking. I married one also and it would drive him stark raving mad to sit around.

Does your H tell his parents any news about the job hunting. You said you are best friends with MIL, maybe she can keep you informed so that you do not appear to be a nag with H.

I know first hand it will drive them away if they think they are being nagged about something from us. Let your home be a safe haven for H from the MLC and the storm we all know as "P-B".

I am sorry you have to move. I can only imagine how hard that is. I have lived in my home for 25 years now. Moving out is a fear of mine. I know I will not be able to afford the property if we D. I worry about it all the time so I can only sympathize
on that note.

Lay Low, Be Quiet and Remember Friendly, Friendly, Friendly.....

Have a good evening....

Sanderika

i do not know if he said something to her, im more wondering what is setting her off these days...

losing my home is a huge deal to me, it is very painful...we moved in here right before he went nuts..3 years.

we worked so hard to get this house and put in over $100,000 in renovations.

i have lost all equity and am praying right now they dont take it in foreclosure. i am waiting for the bank to accept a crazy low offer i received.

i do not know where i will be moving to. its so weird to have gone from having it all, to have not too much left.

thank g-d he was not able to touch our 401k. its all we have left and i will be fighting for the entire thing if things move forward legally.

my mil claims to not know anything about where he is looking workwise. she told me she gave him suggestions.

who knows.

im feeling down today, i have been doing so well, maybe its normal to have a setback.

i havent seen h since friday, maybe that has something to do with it.

now that he isnt working, i dont talk to him in the same routine, we used to talk every morning, he would call at like 7:00 am.

then he was home and i was seeing him everyday.

its hard, now he calls in the afternoon, i barely get a word in because my son takes the phone.

i realize i shouldnt be focused on him, but today and yesterday i seem to be moreso than usual.

i think sometimes the weight of the situation hits me.

my house is foreclosing and where is he? does he feel the emotional effects of it, besides the financial effects?

he caused all of the damage to us financially and where is he?

and why has she been calling? what is up over there?

and the big one that hits me is - will we ever really work out? will he ever come home again and will he end up leaving again? what am i holding on to?

mdoodles I am with you....right exactly with you.

I am low too. I think YES, we have setbacks. I also know when I have a setback H is the trigger in some way. Either through contact or no contact. I am on a high when we have a positive contact and then I get low....very low with no contact.

What you are feeling is aweful, but normal I think. We love them and we are hurting for them. We have to keep it in mind that we can't fix these problems for H. They are theirs alone. All we can do is be here, if and when they reach out to us.

The burden of these problems is heavy and for the most part we are alone to carry on with the burdens. Our homes (yours in foreclosure, mine in maintenance), raising our boys, lack of financial security and funds, our H's and the burden of the unknown with what they are doing in our sitch.

Others here say to live "as if". GAL, don't think about them, don't worry about them, well it is g-d hard. It's not like we aren't a player in the problem. We are directly involved because it's our problem too. H's made it our problem. I have never had such a big problem in my whole life.

Your H is in avoidance mode of the problems. He is avoiding. He doesn't have the resources or ambition right now to fix anything. He is most likely depressed because of the recent problems along with the failure of the store. Your H can't see the light of day he has dug his hole so deep.

I think leaving them alone to solve their own problems is the only way to go. They will be forced to do something. Men like to solve problems. These are so huge they need to face them alone to come up with their own answers. Let's just hope they come up with the right answer, sooner rather then later.

Your last questions....are mine as well. I think of the questions 24/7. I am in constant turmoil. I am having trouble sleeping and eating again and I know it's the upcoming court date causing this in me.

I haven't spoken to my H since Monday. OW is at the office with him today. I am alone. I have work to do this morning, this afternoon I have nothing planned. I am feeling very bad about my sitch right now. I am thinking H is going to do nothing to improve on it in the next 15 days.

Keep in touch....I hope today is better for you.

((((HUGS))))

Sanderika

thanks, i hope today is better for u too...

i think u should go out this afternoon and get a manicure and a pedicure and a massage, if u can afford it right now, because it can really boost your spirits!

pick nice colors, happy colors!

it may sound silly, but it is a temporary mood lifter...

i will see my husband today, wonder what will go on, wonder if psycho will call, havent heard anything from her in 2 days.

i need to ask him about his job situation, if he has been looking, i need to address some bills with him.

i know it will be a dose of reality that he isnt looking for right now but it has to be addressed.

Good luck with your chat...remember to maintain logic.

Work your butt off to leave the emotion out of the conversation.

OH, ramp up the appearance. Give H an eyeful. Make it look like you got it all going on and together!!! The "fake it til you make statement", it's true!!!

Keep in mind OW must look ugly and aweful bad right now, desperation is not a pretty sight!!!

BE THE GREENER GRASS!!!

Will check back later today to see how it went.

Sanderika

Best wishes for a better day for both of you, Mdoodles and Sanderika!!

thanks guys...oh, i totally ramp up the appearance, alhtough i do it everyday, if he is here or not!

and i so know i drive him wild when he sees me....

guess who sent another text this evening ----psycho ow...i deleted it.

i called the phone company, she is sending the messages through the computer, to bypass the call block on my phone.

she actually sent the message while he was here, im so mad i didnt hear my phone beeping, it was in my pocketbook!!!!

i called my husband when he left to tell him, he really had nothing to say, basically said, what do u want from me, change your number...

i told him i delete the messages, i dont understand why im still getting the messages at all...

i really dont want to read them, it could only upset me more.

do we all agree they must not be in paradise?

Mdoodles, I dont know how much you text, but can you take texting off your phone all together for just a while...maybe long enough for her to get the point? I know you shouldnt have to change things for her but maybe just for a few weeks?

Honestly whenever my H's OW texted me, all I could do was laugh at it....sometimes I answered her, but sometimes not. I thought how immature and it kinda made me happy that they seemed to be having problems.

i never thought of taking the texts off the phone. interesting.

actually, right now, i say let her keep trying to make contact.

this way, if she keeps it up enough or makes any threats, i can get her on harassment, which i cannot imagine would be too good for her status in our country.

i attempted to discuss bills with h, didnt go very well. lol.

i got the "leave me alone with this".

i wonder if he is this cranky with psycho ow when she questions the status of our divorce everyday lol.

whats funny is i so know how to talk to him, totally dont put the bills on him, i make it OUR concern. and i still got nowhere.

he had a dose of reality- he was unaware until yesterday that our house is published in the newpaper under the foreclosures, even though we are trying to get the bank to accept an offer.

for effect, i packed some boxes while he was home because i dont think he feels the real weight and reality of it. perhaps seeing me packing made it more real.

who knows.

Hi mdoodles....

I guess as far as the bills go....Don't remind the "avoiding" H verbally about them. Leave them out where H can look at them. H WILL LOOK. He will discuss it when he is able. Keep in mind he is aware and to keep reminding H about the problems in your home is driving him back into the tunnel. H will avoid to escape.

This is sooooo hard. Take the burden on alone. It's what I did. Try really hard to put the bad aside when H is there. Let the house and your little boy be Hs haven. He's getting enough storm with the "P-B". Give him a place of escape.

I am going to say it again. Read the texts. Start a journal only of the texts and calls from "P-B". Document times and dates and content or lack thereof. You need to be aware of her level of crazy. Only for yours and sons safety.

If H is annoyed by the constant mentioning by you then stop mentioning it. Keep the journal on the counter and let H look, when curiosity gets the best of him he will mention it. Start letting H mention things in H time when H ready to discuss them. You are better off to let him initiate a conversation, he will be more open to a discussion if it's his idea.

You could ramp up her anxiety by answering the phone when she calls and simply just say "I am so glad you called, you have a wonderful day" and hang up. She will boil. Keep up the appearance that she isn't getting to you. She will freak out and H will hear all about it, boy will he. He won't know what hit him when she is through.

Maybe if you can't beat her, join her at her own game, only mdoodles isn't going to be nasty or psycho, mdoodles is going to be sweet as honey!!!!

I wonder if this would stop her too if she knows she isn't getting to you. Just a thought. It would be funny to see her reaction.

I have posted a story about a friend whose D was final last friday on my thread. You might find it interesting.

Have a great day mdoodles. I hope something changes for the better for you.

(((((HUGS)))))

Sanderika

the things is - i cant ignore the bills or take them on - i am a stay at home mom!!!

believe me, i have ignored as much as possible, let things sit on the back burner, but not my cable bill or electric bill or income taxes!

up until now, everything has been paid for. minus the mortgage over the last year, my bills are covered by him. so now, when he is slipping because he is unemployed, i am on him because its not ok since i see his car has not been reposessed, meaning he is paying it.

i leave the bills out, mentioned them in a nonthreatening way. he didnt pay them this week so i did make the payments, photocopied the bills and my check from my personal funds, documented it and sent it to my attorney for my file.

i may appear as a doormat in terms of my love for him, may appear to be part of the love triangle, may be fighting for him that way, but i am in no way stupid or going to keep my head in the sand in terms of finances.

whats funny is that i dont think he has any clue how i have documented over the past 18 months, no clue that have organized and stored all of the information, in a timeline with receipts!

hey, i cant let go just yet but if push comes to shove, i will be armed to protect myself!

in terms of the texts from ow, i just dont want to read them! i may forward to a friend...

i started a file and listed all calls and texts...

came home last night and saw private calls on the caller id. no messages and no one i know...

I think thats a good idea Mdoodles....kill her with kindness! Answer her calls and be just as sickening sweet as you can! It will eat her alive!! Eventually she may stop calling when she sees she isnt getting to you. Worth a try anyway.

for now i dont wish to even answer. maybe that will change. maybe one time i will be caught off guard and she will get me.

Mdoodles - have you thought about getting a job to help out? Maybe during school hours?

It must be very overwhelming for a person in crisis (your H) to be unemployed, living outside the home and still being 100% responsible for 2 other people ... ya know?

If nothing else, all that responsiblity and drama can't be making him feel good about your home and your marriage.

I don't know, maybe if you could just identify the things that are the most difficult for your H now and see if there is some way you can contribute to allieviate that stress.

Good luck.

i intend to get a job of some kind in the fall, once i get through the packing of the house, selling of our things that can be sold and finding where we will live and where my son will be attending school.

i havent worked much in 6 years but i did update my resume, i have worked at the preschool a couple hours a week for the past 2 years. i also gave my resume to a recruiter.

i realize he may be unemployed, but he did this! didnt lose his job, left his job to open our business, which he then chose to close, rather than work at making it work! AND left to go back to the ow!

frankly, im convinced now that he is working and hiding it.

somehow his porsche hasnt been reposessed...

ITs amazing how they can get by with the things they need....a porsche??? wow.

Sorry your having one of those days too Mdoodles...im trying to figure out what my next step should be. Im hoping he gets the hint that I wont be around for him to use anymore. I have to figure out how to cut that rope loose thats tied around my ankle!!!

just got 5 private calls in a row....i thought it was my mil, so normally i will answer and she will speak first,,,didnt happen..

so i hung up and the person kept calling. i did not answer.

i know it is psycho girl and i do not want to speak to her

called my 2 other private callers to see if it was them - no.

and they have learned to unblock their number when calling me.

its weird, i just got home not too long ago, its like she knew that, but to realistic, she is most likely not out here.

and yeah, the porsche is amusing isnt it?

what is funny is that it was once his extra extra car (yes, he had 3 cars to himself). the porsche was a total mlc purchase at the age of 27

what does she get out of calling you so many times?

i think i would have to just see what it was she wanted and just be snotty to her.

i really dont want to talk to her. she started calling again at 11:25 last night.

i did the pick up/hang up to keep the phone from ringing.

and since i was sleeping, it took a minute to register what was going on. she called like 6 times and then i put the private call block on the phone - *77.

i wonder where he was that she was calling?

so she actually called me 17 times last night, i figured out how to check my call records online.

17 times!

i also discovered if i block private callers, if someones uses *67 to block their number, they will not get through BUT their number will show up on phone records as an attempt.

i decided to keep the block off to capture her repeated calls for my file.

i spent an hour printing out my phone records going back to april and highlighted all calls.

there is a definite pattern in her calling and it appears to be when she doesnt feel secure, as in, when he moved home...then there was a drop in calls, he moved back out, but calls have picked up again in the last 2 weeks to an amount i havent yet encountered. i wonder what is up...

17 times??!!! Good grief!! Isnt lovely what our H's have brought into our lives to deal with?

My H's ex OW got into a car accident today...he told me about it, but while he was here people were calling ME like crazy to tell me about the wreck...he wanted to know why people were wanting to call me. I said Im sure to tell me about your OW accident....he texted later to say he was sorry that people were bothering me about people he knew.

They do bring people into our lives that we dont ask for.

I hope you can take this OW to court or something and file a complaint against her....She sounds like she could do something crazier.

i spoke with the phone company, i do have a case for harassment.

does anyone know what filing harassment entails in ny?

im not sure that i want to do it, but i will continue to document all evidence.

Hi mdoodles.....

What a wierd weekend for you!!!! OMG!!!! I can't believe the number of calls......You need to watch out. She is a woman scorned and obsessed. You are an obvious threat to her security.

I would agree that your H must not have been with her, Hmmmmmm. Which brings up an obvious question. Where was he?

Has your H been around you and son this weekend or his folks?

A harrassment suit usually requires a complaint in court and then having papers served to the defendant as to the nature of the complaint instigated by a plaintiff. Similar to any other lawsuit. The burden of proof would fall on the plaintiff.

Notifying your local police department might be wise. They would also be able to give you some advice.

You need to promise that you are keeping an eye on your back at all times. I would not rule out a surprise visit at your home by her. If she is truly desperate she will do something more.

I wonder if you could call forward your phone numbers to H's phone at night so he recieves the calls instead of you. That would be an interesting twist for her to swallow. Just thinking here.....

You sound strong.....Keep the PMA.

(((((mdoodles)))))

Have a nice day.....

Sanderika

that is a very interesting idea - forward to his phone....i love it, but somehow think that is me playing along in this game.

im doing well not reacting or discussing it with him, for now that is how i will "play" it.

he was not around this weekend, which is odd of late, im wondering if he has a secret job.

its possible they had a fight saturday (it seems they are fighting often) and he went out for one of his drives. she might have thought he was here. i dont know.

i do watch my back, didnt hear from her yesterday but i have a feeling i will today.

Have them forwarded to the Sheriffs Dept!

That probably wouldnt work though...lol.

But it might stop her from doing it.

im totally totally fuming. u can see my other post under infidelity.

h was here and flipped that i sold our patio furniture without "consulting" him.

i was like, gee, im sorry, we have no money, u havent paid a bill. u can have the money, just show me the bills paid with it.

said no. i was like, did u consult me on selling the contents of our store and giving me nothing from it?

tells me this was marital property. i said, by the way, u left the marital house and havent given me money in a month.

somehow your cars havent been reposessed, u have money somewhere.

i am still fuming!!!!!!!

i followed it all up in an email to him and sent it to my attorney.

it kills me that he can sit there and say i didnt consult him?

was i consulted when he chose to have an affair? and support her? and spend our money on her? and her bills? and his porsche?

when was i ever consulted?

Hi mdoodles,

I understand your frustration. I think you said all the right things. I think all of your frustrations are valid and justified.

H is to blame for the money issues. In H MLC, H is all about blaming you for the marriage and financial and any other thing thing he considers trouble. He can blame, do not validate. Do not retaliate, sit quietly. When he appears to finish, walk away.

IMO H quit his good paying job to open a store he didn't make a committment to. IMO, as a business owner, your store was destined to fail because of the complete lack of attention given to it. H opened it out of fantasy, MLC fantasy. It was also fantasy that it would run itself and be an instant success. You get out of something what you are willing to put in. H didn't put in any effort or time you can't run a store on bankers hours. He failed. "FAILURE IS ALWAYS A DECISION" Mdoodles you did not fail here. This was an endeavor H appeared to take on himself. H threw in the towel. H quit. He knew going into it you were a stay at home mom. The success of the store was H's burden.

H is now blaming you for the financial troubles.

H is a hypocrite for telling you the household furniture is marital property while he apparently believes the store was not (?) H is in a delusional fog. It's all about him. It's all about blaming mdoodles for all his problems. H took the money from the store and didn't share it with you. H is living off those resources if he has not found a job. I am not convinced he has a job.

You need to approach H in a different manner. I think you need to detach further and leave him to sort out the problems. H needs to be left alone with the problems he created. H needs to see the consequences for himself. He is not listening to you right now. Stop talking about the problems and OW and relationship. Start a new plan, try talking about little son and the funny things he does and says or the weather for that matter. Start keeping it a lighter atmosphere around H. Go "as if" completely.

Mdoodles, I know the issues and the fears and the pain. I also know it won't make matters better right away and the financial burdens won't take care of themselves. I'm saying pass the burdens on to him and make him face them. H is avoiding and living in the fog of selfishness and immunity. You need to let go of the burden and hand it over to him to figure out.

This is so hard, I would love to fix this. I don't really have the answers. Sometimes a different view can give you ideas. We can't truly be with you, the support is here.

When do you see H next? Let's decide how you are going to detach further.

(((((Hugs 4 U)))))

Take care, my friend....

Sanderika

thanks sanderika. the thing is, i am "as if" with him. i never question him, never mention her. never.

BUT the bills are an issue. i have given him plenty of time, they are now 2 months late. we need money here. our house is foreclosing. so everything that was said yesterday was justified and in response for his absurd comment about the furniture.

i do not know when i will see him again. im assuming either friday or sunday. i have not called him or texted him.

i have trouble updating both of my threads at the same time!

i have an appt with attorney for tomorrow, i decided its time to request support. i intend to tell my attorney to convey the following message:

i do not want wish to proceed with a separation/divorce at this time, especially because of our financial situation. any money we have left is needed to supply son and i with new residence and vital living expenses. what i do want and need right now is child support/spousal support.

i found an apt i like, can get it for august 15, which is good for starting the school year. problem is the money. few apts on long island, whatever there is, is rather pricey. have to figure it all out, will need my family to help in the meantime.

h called yesterday, i answered and said, hey, im on another call, will have son call u back. ok? bye.

i was proud. son called him later on...i had some things to discuss with him, but since they werent life threatening, i chose not to get on the phone because i was so proud for not talking earlier...

Good job on avoiding the phone call with H and good luck with the Apartment.

I think its good that you are taking a step towards child support. He needs to help you whether he can or not.

I am curious about what the lawyer says can be done legally regarding getting him to pay pendente lite support without having to file for a legal separation or divorce.

i know we almost did it last year, i am entitled to spousal support and child support, even while married, he is required by law to provide his wife and family with money. its a motion filed at family court.

i will know more tomorrow.

my investigator friend called one place that he might have had a job at, he isnt employed there on or off the books.

i just missed his phone call, he can call again, im not returning it. i dont even want to talk to him anymore. does me no good.

oh u have no idea! he calls, i hear her in the background. i said, call us back without your background noise. he called a few more times, i told him son was in the bath.

then he calls again, yelling at me to stop calling and hanging up on whoever it is that im calling (see, he cant even admit to her, he says "whoever it is you are calling").

i went wild, i said it was not me, she is spoofing my number and if u dont believe me, f her and f you. and i hung up.

i called the phone company, they are mailing me my cell phone records.

then psycho sent me a text. it looked like a paragraph, i didnt read it.. i know i know, i shouldnt delete it, but i just dont want to read it.

i bet it said, stop calling me leave me alone.

he kept calling me, i answered once, said, im on with the phone company retrieving my phone records. and i hung up.

he called several more times,i didnt answer.

maybe i will get him on harassment too. lol....

i must have grown up since i do not respond, do not call her or even try to make him believe me.

i am just so annoyed.

and this psycho girl? she so knows i have done nothing.

mdoodles...cant you just save them on your phone? You dont have to read them. Which I think with a court order you can get copies of all texts sent to your phone.

She is a psycho, thats for sure. What does he see in her anyway?

Please, bring this last incident up with the lawyer tomorrow. It sounds like they might be trying to frame you for harrasment.

I hope this experience with the psycho girl does not cause you to have any prejudice against Polish people. I can only speak for myself, I am Polish, but not a psycho. I cant speak on Trapt's behalf though

my grandfather was born in poland, so i guess that makes me polish too, huh....

im not prejudice but i have to tell u, whenever i see a girl that appears foreign and has the accent, i get very angry...i know these random people have nothing to do with the situation, but its how i feel.

she is here on a visa, she should be respectful in this country, not marching around as if she can harass the wife. not acceptable.

i will absolutely bring this up tomorrow. im considering a police report, perhaps that is best, rather than going to court and incurring the fees on this.

You are much closer to "mother Poland" than I am. My Polish grandfather was born here.

I personally think she should be deported. What gets me is why does she have to use a married guy to get a permanent visa - she truely is stupid. She should go inquire with the Russian-Polish mafia in Greenpoint Brooklyn about obtaining a green card.

funny u say greenpoint, that is where h worked and met her!

i wake up not knowing what the day will bring.

it bothers me, and it shouldnt, that h could even think for one minute that its me doing all of this. i mean, lets get real, why would i call and hang up repeatedly, and show my number!!!??

in a way i hope this girl keeps acting out, will giving me more of a case and he will truly see her for what she is.

i think on some level he knows what she is, he has told me in the past that i dont know what he is dealing with and that she is crazy and cant be spoken to like a normal person.

well that is his problem. not mine. and he shouldnt be with her if he can say those kind of things...

my cousin, a divorce attorney told me to tell him next time he reacts to me - he brought this trash into our lives. she is his problem, not mine. i am too busy raising a child on my own to deal with it.

Hi Mdoodles,

I just caught up on your thread.

I think now that H is turning the table on you about the calls and accusing you of making the calls when it is in fact him, you need to protect yourself further. IMO your H is doing what mine has done numerous times. BLAME YOU FOR ALL HIS PROBLEMS. OW has him convinced (and trust me they believe her above everyone else - MLC Fog) that you are his biggest problem, she is filling his head with all kinds of gobbley gook lies. She is desperate. She will pull out all the stops to turn H against you. I know this first hand.

At this point in time, where calls are concerned, you need to let all calls/texts from H and OW go to voice mail and answering machines. Do not delete anything. Unless H is inquiring about your son, do not return the call. If you would like, text H and tell him I will not entertain another conversation with you unless it regards son.

Consult your lawyer on this.....I would see if H can only see son on a supervised visit basis at this point. It is not without warrant at this point with the way H and his OW are treating you. Perhaps your MIL could be the supervisor and H can see son next door and not in your home for a while. I do not think it would be wise for H to have access to the inside of your home at this time. I have a funny feeling about him right now. OW is way too psycho and he is buying into the drama and her insecurites and accusations.

Let your lawyer advise you on the delinquent bills. Take all the past due bills to the lawyer with you today including the latest mortgage statement. Show your lawyer exactly what you are facing.

This is all about protecting you and son. Leave your H to manage is own problems. You should only call H back if he wants to discuss son. If while talking H tries to engage you in another topic, you should simply say, "I am sorry H I can't discuss(____________) with with you. If you are finished talking about son, have a nice day, good bye."

I firmly believe that H needs to be left completely alone to sort this out. By removing yourself from the drama, H will not be able to blame you. You will not be a part of the problem. It will take time, he will eventually see it. He will trust me. This is how it happened here. I went a step further and didn't contact H about son either. As far as it was for H, their was no wife, son, family, home. I erased him from our daily lives. It has not been the wrong answer. My H and I had a 4 hour face to face this week and I learned a lot. I will share it on my thread as soon as I process it all in my mind.

Mdoodles, please take care and leave H alone to navigate through the fog all by himself. Go to the extreme if you have to. Don't be afraid. Create an mdoodles H will admire and respect. The only way to achieve this is to completely detach. Mdoodles you will need to take everything on all by yourself and it will take time. I did this and I have no regrets. Call it EXTREME DETACHING.

Good luck with the attorney today....jot down the topics you need to discuss so nothing is forgotten today and bring all the bills and any other pertinent documents like the information about the apartment you would like to lease. Make this a profitable visit for you. Who is watching son today?

I will be thinking about you today.....(((((HUGS))))),

Sanderika

thanks sanderika, i was waiting to hear your opinion!
my son will be in camp today... i have my 2 folders of information to go over with the attorney and i have every intention of going to the police precinct so long as my attorney does not object.

i do not want to talk h right now. i realize that is what psycho wants, but i am not doing it because of her. he has led us to this point.

and, i think once he sees what she is up to, once he sees he is losing me too, he perhaps will realize and pursue me.

what she wants with him, i dont know. he is unemployed, has a wife and child, $100,000 in credit card debt and a home in foreclosure.

i am starting to become concerned with what else she is capable of, what else she is going to frame me on.

One of the things H told me this week that he has appreciated (he thanked me, too) the most was me leaving him completely alone, not consulting him or contacting him for anything. I left him to solve his own problems. By distancing myself and son from H showed H I am independant and self sufficient. It showed him I don't need him, rather want him.

I didn't keep him in the loop, I removed H from my life. I engaged H kindly and logically and lovingly when H reached out to me only.

In 47 months I only gave H anger twice. Once for a social occasion we attended together 20 months post bomb and it was because H invited me to go and then treated me like a germ. He was rude and insulting in front of others. I ended up leaving the function and sitting in the car the rest of the evening. H heard plenty about that. The 2nd time was when H removed me from the company. I only blew up once for each and never brought up either incident again.

I raised my son alone. I have not asked H for money, I have learned to live without. I maintain my home inside and out alone. If there is something I can't fix I ask someone other than H for help.

It has taken time, approx. 42 months for H to see reality and what he has left. When I say time and patience I mean it.

After our conversation, I am not certain we will D. It was very honest and informative. I am going to post more about it on my thread. I haven't felt well this week so I will get to it. Our meeting was Monday night. We talked from 11:00pm to 3:00am. Wierd hours, I know, it's the timing and when they want to talk. Men won't talk unless they want to and are ready.

Again, leave H alone....don't give in. Engage him on son only for a while. Let H humble himself and be deserving of more from you. Keep up the PMA and Sex Appeal. Be the greener grass from a distance. It is very attractive. Know the whole time H is watching you. I heard it from the horses mouth this week. He's always watching you even from a distance. He's keeping track of your independance and actions and emotions.

Do the unexpected!!!!

More Hugs for you today, mdoodles. Let us know what the L tells you to do next.

Sanderika

Mdoodles, I hope things go well at the lawyers today.

ok, met with my lawyer.

i have to go to family court and fill out the petition for support.

they will then ask h to prove he has tried to get a job, prove his old job wont take him back etc. he will also have to show how he is paying for his items such as his cars and phone and where he lives.

i also went to the police station. they told me i need her to call again and i need to answer and hear her voice. once i have that, i can fill out a report for aggravated harassment.

so im waiting for her to call.

and i will go to famiyl court either tomorrow or monday.

in the meantime i can sell whatever i want from the house.

as for the separation/divorce, not actively doing anything, i explained that neither of us have the funds, so we will wait on him. he has no grounds.

It is great that you have a plan! Kind of takes the chaos out of the equation a bit.

does it though? lol...

im overwelmed to say the least. if the finances werent so bad, i would feel ok...but its bad, and i dont know from this!

i know i have no choice but to go to court, even if he handed me some money, it wont be close to what is expected. i may plan on going monday, give it the weekend, see what transpires since im not so sure i can get there first thing in the morning.

and, im waiting for her to call now! i need her to call. just once, to confirm her voice so i can say i heard her and its her calling. then i can hang up, and i can guarantee she will call one or 2 more times once i hang up...

i know he is going to be angry when he sees i went to court, but i dont have a choice. he needs to see what leaving me means.

havent heard from h today, im wondering when he is coming next? he was last here on monday, im wondering if he is coming tomorrow or on the weekend.

do i call him to find out? or just wait and see what happens, and if im home, im home.

i dont get it. he used to be so routine with when he comes, when he calls. i wonder if she is telling him not to come.

too late- made the decision to send a text to confirm the next time he will be here.

i didnt want to call because i dont want to hear her in the background so the text is fine.

and u know what - better if she sees it to get her to call again lol

he called and cant confirm if he is coming tomorrow afternoon? that is weird. what is up these days that he cant commit to days when he was always so regimented...is it a job? is he a day laborer?

or is it her? is she keeping him from coming? i dont get it.

i told him he needed to let me know before 12 because otherwise i will not be home after son gets home from camp.

Mdoodles, sorry I was not here this afternoon to help you.

I would have told you not to call or text H. Leave him alone.

I know too late this time, save the info for next time.

He also does not need to know when you're home or not. Leave the work to connect with you up to him. No notice, ideas or contact to him. Stop making contact completely.

I know this is hard, this is what you have to do.

H is no more appreciative right now towards you for you having made the contact to check up on him and his schedule to visit with you and son. They need to be on their own to do all the work themselves.

We have a hard time learning to stop coming to their rescue and try and fix the problems. I can't stress enough that it is hurting more than helping right now. I know this hurts. I know how you feel. I have been there for a very long time now. It gets easier.

Don't worry if you miss his call or are not at home when he decides the time is right for a visit. Don't plan your day around H. Let H figure it out. H will figure it out. If he's a last minute planner and you have other plans too bad for H. He will learn to be more prompt and considerate.

I am sorry you had a long day. All you can do is a little every day. If you don't get to family court tomorrow it will still be there on Monday.

I hope you don't think I am too rough on you. I care and want this to work out well for you.

Good night!!

Sanderika

no, i dont think u are too rough. he is usually so so so routine that its weird when i dont know when to expect him, its all since the store closed that routine went out the window.

i hadnt sent a text in a month, and if ow saw, only the better.

we need a schedule. routine is important for our son, he is used to knowing when daddy will be home.

Mdoodles,

H routine is changing because OW is putting pressure on him. She is driving the car. H is simply along for the ride. Right now, in the fog, he is doing exactly what men in MLC do.

I completely sympathize with you on this issue.

Trust me I do. My son is a mild Asperger's Syndrome Child and with the traits come things like: No Changes, Strict Structure, Same Routines, they only thrive with security, these kids hate to have anything rock their world. Things can change but they have to be so subtle as so they don't notice. It is very difficult to parent one of these kids.

Knowing this about son, I decided right from the get go that I could not protect him from the changes because they were fairly sudden. H was in and out post bomb for approx. a month and then gone. I understand my son was 9 at the time of the bomb and yours is 5, however an Asperger's Child mental abilities range anywhere from 4-6 years younger than their actual age. In reality my son's abilities in maturity were around 5. I sat son down the day after H left and I simply told him the truth. I assured him I was not going anywhere and he would always have me and that I would take care of everything. I could not let him live with the expectations that Dad was just at work or he left before son got up or Dad was working late. I laid out the whole ugly truth to him. We cried and then we bucked up and got to work together to create a life for just us. It took about 4 months before I truthfully stopped making connections with H. Son was angry for a short while and then saw that his world didn't really change all that much. He somehow managed to cope without seeing his Dad. He had me and I was working extra hard to normalize his life and make things good for him.

I will never forget one line son said: "I didn't think it would happen to me." WELL, if anything will break your heart that was it!!!!!

My H fled when this happened. Simply wrote us off like we never existed. I had the work connection at our company which I never knew how I lived through it for 31 months post bomb knowing he had OW and wasn't home and hated me, seeing him there was unbelievably difficult, I literally walked around scared everyday. I am glad I don't work with him anymore and it's been 16 months, at first it was very hard. I wouldn't have it any other way now.

Son sometimes went 3+ months and H didn't make contact with him. AND, I never ever told H to contact son or called H to man-up and see him. I never told him he was hurting son, he wouldn't have believed me. I never inquired why. I let it go. I let H be in his world alone. ALONE, from us that is.

Son has never been isolated from the truth in our sitch. Some here would disagree with this completely. I chose to be honest and tell it like it was. My son is remarkable and knowing him and understanding him, I knew he could and would handle it well. It was all about the approach and content of out talks. I have been his rock. I have the excellant relationship with son. H has a very distant unknowing relationship with his only son. This is a consequence. Has son suffered any....No. Has H suffered any....Oh, Yes!!

I think it might be time for you to gently tell your little son something about what is going on. Give him some credit to be able to handle it. Answer any and all of his questions. I understand how hard this is. Our kids are far wiser than we realize. Little son cannot expect Dad anymore. H isn't putting son's feelings and needs before his own right now. Son needs to learn not to have expectations either. If H hears you told son the truth and comes at you in anger about your choice, simply tell H. "As the guardian parent, I decided it was time son knew why you are not home." Then walk away. Do not engage H further!!

The bottom line...as raw as this is....your son will be affected by this sitch. You can continue to protect him with untruths or face it with him telling him what is going on. He will be fine as long as he has you. Your H is the one losing out. Even our kids are involved in our marital breakup and hard as we try we can't protect them from it. NO EXPECTATIONS is healthier than EXPECTING and receiving NOTHING!!! DISAPPOINTMENT HURTS!!!

I don't regret for a second telling son. Sure he has grown up a bit faster. It's not a bad thing. He has still had a great childhood, thanks to his rock.....ME!!!!

The next time son asks about Daddy's whereabouts or when's Daddy coming is the perfect time for a little chat.

In my case one day after school I sat son down and told him I had something to tell him and then did. Seeing son cry was very hard, it felt better that it was out in the open and we could learn to live separate from H and talk about it when son wanted to....or not. We have had many chats over the past 4 years now.
I can't say they all went well. It's par for the course. Parenting alone sucks!!!

Have a good day today.....

Take care, please....

Sanderika

i just sat down, glad to see your post!

im not telling son anything until after we move. i cannot unload so much on him at once, we are moving, changing schools etc. the child psychologist agreed.

my situation is slightly different because he talks to him everyday, sometimes several times a day and normally sees him on a regular schedule of atleast 2 times a week.

i dont know what is up lately with the odd inability to commit to times. he does call though and they talk.

why all of a sudden, years into this, would he not commit to his days because of her? why now?

is it somehow related to her lashing out at me lately? is this all about her? or is he hiding a job?

Hi, you see I worry that without telling them what's going on that they dream up all kinds of bad stuff. Stuff that's worse.
(I know what can be worse) Little boys have incredible imaginations. I worry that little son thinks some of this is his fault if not all of it. That is a common conclusion most children assume.

My son has been in therapy for several years now. Your psychologist knows your son, you know what's best. It's your choice.

For son to change schools is easy at 5 years old. He will adjust very fast. The younger the better!!! Will it be kindergarten or 1st grade this year?

For son to move will be a bit difficult, especially if he's only lived where you do now and it's close to grandparents. He should be told you are moving soon. He needs time to get used to the idea too. (IMO)

You do realize that for son going from seeing Dad on a regular basis to talking on the phone only with Dad is something son already knows is very different. Son most likely is already wondering why he doesn't see him that much anymore. Son does know that something is wrong in his family. I have always thought it better to nip something in the bud than let it go on too long which can only make an explanation more difficult. (IMO)

Mdoodles....don't wait to tell him this stuff all at once, it will be way too overwhelming for him and he will have a difficult time processing it. If it's comes all at once you may end up with a very angry little boy who developes behavior issues from it. IMO, if he is told a little about everything he will cope with it. In a few short weeks, son is going to experience some major changes. His current structure and routine is going to change, it's changing now. This is a fact. It is out of his control. IMO it would be better to share. Giving son a chance to process the changes at a slower pace.

again, JMO....only you know what you want.

Is this the same OW he left you for before he came back and opened the store? Has she always been the one or has he had others?

If so, I assume she has a tighter grip on him for now. She has convinced him she is perfect for him and you never were. It's called: The OW looking out for her best interest.............. In reality it's all lies and desperation. If this is like my sitch, H will at some point make a turn to be more committed to OW than his family. Here it happened approx. 1 year post bomb.
This is the MLC Fog. It's the tunnel in the dark. He can't see the truth for now. H is living free. This is what he wants. You, son and family are not important to him right now. This is why you leave him alone. Let her dig her own grave and she will. I bet the shovel is already in her hand.

My guess is your H is in this mode with her. They only thing that can change it will be her becoming very comfortable in her sitch and with that she will show demands, control, insecurity, mistrust. I used to say the OW here has my H wearing a choke collar with a 1' leash. It is true. This is what happens. So to keep the peace in their fantasy of a perfect world they turn away from us. It is temporary, trust me. The shine wears off and the ugly starts to show. This does take time. The reason it takes time is because only through repeated controlling, nagging, insecure and untrusting behaviors from her will H see her for what she really is.

I really don't think he has found a job. He may have applied for unemployment funds. She is maintaing his room and board.
He isn't giving any money to you. He doesn't have it that bad right now, in his eyes.

I do think he is putting her feelings and wants in front of you and son. I think it's like I said above. She has him snowed, he's whipped!!!!!

Her lashing out was pure insecurity and she is threatened by your existance. I really don't think your H was pleased with her about this. It is possible though that he has not confronted her. Instead he has assured her there is nothing between the two of you anymore. I know this hurts. This is what my H did to me. You see they lie to us both. They are in the middle. Ultimately H does not know what he wants. This is the truth.

Keep posting....this is so hard to figure out.

You need to DB your a$$ off starting now....It's your only chance.

Sanderika

this is the same ow he left me for almost 3 years ago. he was never honest with her, still isnt.

its clear she is now learning the truth and totally freaking out and holding him on a tight leash. i cannot figure out why he is with her when all he ever talked about was leaving her to come home, telling everyone. must be the mlc.

as soon as i know where we are moving, i will tell my son. psych told me u cannot tell him u are moving until u can say where u are going, unless of course he straight out says to me, are we moving. i wouldnt lie to him.

i will not tell him daddy doesnt come with us. i was told not to.

and the truth is, with us, u never know. i was so close to telling son last year and then we starting working towards getting back together.

he does not see anger in the home, he still does things with both mommy and daddy so right now he is ok.

h always worked long hours, was always out of the house before he was awake and many times home after he went to bed so the weirdness in not seeing him every day is not really there. for now.

i will know where i am moving within the next week so i will tell him that then. he does adjust easily, is extremely bright and outgoing so i know he will be ok.

im waiting for ow to lash out again, waiting for a phone call. im glad i know what to do and how to handle the calls so that she will not get away with it so easily.

h never called, never came and son had left him a message in the morning.

this is highly unsual behavior for h, even in his mlc. he is very routine, always comes on a schedule, never waivered. if anything, he added a day and came more.

now, all out the window. he cant commit to days. even the night before, doesnt know if he can come the next day. we are basically down to once a week, and he isnt even working.

or so he says.

what does anyone think?

is it a strange job that is not a routine schedule that he is hiding?

or, is it the ow? ever since she has been acting out and calling and harassing me, his schedule has become noncommital.

she is not new to our lives, so what is up?

It's mlc and the word is withdrawal and depression. He can't commit to any time schedule or promise. He's lost in a world of fantasy and depression. Time stands still for them and if it moves, it moves at a very slow pace. You need to set your expectations at zero and do not plan your day around him. Do not call him to see if he's coming...that's called mom checking up on him.

If he comes, treat him nicely, but don't wait on him. If you have plans and he comes over, continue on w/your plans. Your man/child needs to grow up and needs to realize that your clock continues to move forward at a faster pace than his and that life will not stand still for him.

This is very normal behavior for those who are lost in the world of mlc. You've been lucky up till now that he's been in touch w/his child.

As for the ow, you give her too much of your head space, something she's not renting out. Please find a way to cease giving her your power of thinking. She's not worth it.

If you will sit quietly and be patient, things will be revealed to you. The more you try to figure things out, the harder and longer it will take. Everything will be revealed in due time. Keep your focus on you and your child. Your man/child is gone and will most likely be lost for a while. This is your journey as well...start making plans for you and your son, as if your h will not return. It is most important that you take care of yourself, for your son needs his mother/parent right now, as you are the rational adult.

thanks snodderly.

its just all so odd when this isnt a new situation.

as for ow, it would be easier not to think about her if she would stop calling and texting and framing me for harassment.

It's not odd at all. The reason that I say this is that he was "snatched" back to reality three years ago and never completed his journey back then. This time, it will be much longer and his behaviors will be a little worse than three years ago. It's now considered a "new" adventure for him. He started all over again w/her and the relationship is once again new for him.

If you truly want her to cease the calls, file a case against her. It's also called a form of identity theft if she is pretending to me you out there. It's a legitimate claim. If you don't do something about it, she may take it a step further and charge and/or or order things in your name w/the bill coming to you. I'm never surprised at the great lengths they will take to ensure their place w/the mlcer. Protect yourself, file the claim.

im trying to file it, went to the police station, they said she needs to call again, i need to answer and hear her voice. once i can say under oath i heard her, i can file it and they will actually arrest her. i didnt want to have her arrested but that is what happens.

they said that everything else she is doing, she can claim it wasnt her, it was someone using her phone/computer so i need to actually hear her on the phone.

i do want her in trouble for this, its not ok to call 17 times or text me or call others, text others, pretending to be me.

perhaps his odd behavior also has to do with her and has to do with me not willing to settle on a separation/divorce agreement which is messing up their fake relationship.

The next time she calls, pick up the phone and say ever so sweetly, "hello, may I help you?" See if she says anything. I suspect she calls, breathes into the phone or does nothing just to bug you.

Of course, you could do like I did many years ago when I had this happen one too many times...I answered the phone "hello, city morgue, may I help you? Are you calling because you have a cadaver that requires picking up? If so, please provide the name, phone number and address of the location and I will have my team come out and pick the body up. Our motto is you stab them, we slab them. We'll be happy to put the body in the cooler until you decide what you want to do about funeral arrangements. I'm sure the coroner can be reached at this hour and w'll be happy to contact him as well." She slammed the phone down and I never got another call from her.

Doodles, you can't worry about her getting arrested...she's crossed the line. Her behavior is based on on security issues. Also, the calls are to drive a deeper wedge between you so that you will gie him what she wants...divorce. The ow sees y our h is waffling on the fence and a wuss, therefore, she's starting to take matters into her own hands. Once she feels her mission has been accomplished, she will crawl back into her hole for a while.

His odd behavior could be both he and the depression/withdrawal. You don't know what she's said to him about the situation. It could be she's threatening him and that's why he's staying away. There's no use worrying about something you can't control or repair. This is defnitely his mess and the fallout is hitting you and your son. Please protect yourself. I don't trust her.

i dont trust her either. i have a feeling that the only reason she has not showed up at my door is because my in-laws live next door. i am convinced however, that when i move, she will attempt to show up - this is why i may choose the gated community.

she has never lashed out so much in all this time. they must be hanging by a thread and/or she finally decided to believe me when we spoke in may and she now knows who he really is. however, she is choosing to stay with him and not trust him.

last contact was wednesday, she is due to contact any minute.

it seems she is constantly planning my demise and my lack of reaction to her is making her all the more nuts.

Originally Posted By: mdoodles

it seems she is constantly planning my demise and my lack of reaction to her is making her all the more nuts.

That's usually the way it works. Keep it up. Don't give her what she want's. No fuel for her crazy fire.

She's a desperate woman and right now, I would classify her as a "stalker". Stalkers pull this kind of crap or convince others to do their dirty deeds.

Check your yard out, walk around your car and keey your eyes and ears open. I'm not saying this to scare you, but when they are on the edge like she's appearing, she could do anything. When they are this desperate, sanity goes by the way side.

A gated community would be a nice safety net for you and your son. I agree about your inlaws living next door, but who is to say that she doesn't walk around your place at late hours. I sure she must do drive bys as well. She's a complete nut job. Just be careful.

u think she does drive bys? i always wondered that, i know if i was 22 and didnt have a child and my "boyfriend" had a wife, i would be doing it too.

its far for her and she isnt from here, but maybe she does. who knows. sometimes i think she follows me, i havent seen her, but she seems to call when she knows im home.

Don't be surprised if she knows someone in the area and asks if you are home. Does she have any contact w/your inlaws at all? I wouldn't be surprised if your inlaws don't say something to your h and he tells her about what you are doing.

They have this uncanny way of knowing when you are home. My situation was a bit different...the calls came in when I wasn't home or at work. Until one day, I opted to stay home and work in the yard and that's when I got her with the funeral bit.

Always listen to your gut instincts. Also, I'm going to offer this up to you, do not discuss any more of the calls, texts, etc. w/your h. I'm not totally convinced that he's not a part of this game. Mine played right along w/her on some of the antics. They love to get a rise out of us and see us twisting in the wind. Don't say a word for a while and see what happens.

Your situation brings back a lot of memories of stalking, etc. Stay "mum" on the antics and do what you have to do to take care of the situation. Also, do not believe one word out of your h's mouth about the ow. They will not be honest w/you until after they crash and burn or hit rock bottom and then it's a grain of salt for every word that comes out of their mouths for a while.

Good Morning Mdoodles,

Snodderly is wise. Trust her. She is telling you like it is and exactly the same similar stuff I have been telling you.

YES, she does drive bys.....The OW here in my life does them on a fairly regular basis. She comes by here first when she can't find her "Boyfriend".

I actually told my neighbors what she drives and I get reports she's been around even when I don't see her. The other evidence of this is that when my H is here he hides his vehicle behind the barns so she can't see it from the road in my driveway.

The distance she lives does not matter.....The OW here lives 42 miles north from my town. H does not live with me, he lives in my town though. Nothing will stop her if and when she is desperate and feeling insecure. THIS YOU CAN TRUST.

Listen to snodderly and the rest of us. Watch your back. Keep your doors and windows and car locked up at all times.

I think too that the calls have waned for now because H has calmed her insecurities. She won't stay this way for long. Be aware when you least expect it that she will make contact again.

Again, mdoodles....this is what MLC does to men. I agree with snodderly. I have lived it. I have tried to explain to you some of the dramas I have lived through. For now, your H in full blown MLC is behaving as expected and normal (if you can call it that....I do). All you can do is detach and leave him alone. NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER, UNLESS LITTLE SON NEEDS MEDICAL ATTENTION. NO EXPECTATIONS WHATSOEVER. When H surfaces and he will treat him "as if" nothing is going on and be kind and friendly and genuine. Be real, fake they will surely notice.

This is a long haul....if you want to stand, start practicing and maintaining an approach to H. Don't waiver off your path even for a second. Everytime you do will drive him back into the tunnel. Be prepared for it to take a long time before H recognizes and trusts you and he feels safe being around you.

Keep in mind none of this is your fault. However with that being said, your H does not agree with this statement. So you need to approach H as if to validate his thoughts and feelings.
Mdoodles, unfortunately you have to do all the work. With faith and time, hopefully your H will wake up from MLC Land and want to reconnect with you and little son.

You need to start to pave the path back home for H. You need to make the path look desireable, safe, warm, comforting, loving, respectful,etc....He's likely gone for good unless you can turn his eyes, heart and mind back in your direction.

Stay in touch we all want to help you so much.....

(((((HUGS)))))

Sanderika

Another note.....

Age doesn't matter. At 22 or (like here) 44. The OW are simply engaged with married men and for that they are untrusting. They will do desperate things to protect "their investment" or "looking out for their best interest".

They are not respectful people at all.

They behave like "High School Teenagers". They are "Catty". They cannot be trusted. You are a threat to their security. They will resort to stalking, verbal abuse and even physical abuse. I have personnally experienced all three from OW here. I have told you some of this already.

Think back yourself to your high school days and the dramas over boyfriends. Back then (a long time ago) I can remember girls having fist fights and hair pulling and the language OMG over a boy!!! This is the OW now. They are all grown up, and they have thrown themselves, by choice, into a lifestyle of affairs with married men with children and with that comes immaturity and selfish egotistical behaviors.

There is no difference.

You need to release yourself from the drama. You need to instead be the mature grown up woman, mother and wife you are.
You be the better person.

great advice guys...thanks.

right now im just trying to deal with finding where to move and where son will be enrolled in school, along with selling our belongings and packing.

h is almost a side note. ow was a side note until she started lashing out. im waiting for her next move so i can act accordingly and hopefully proceed legally.

as for our separation/divorce, im not funding that battle right now, its certainly not as important as finding a place to live and putting food on the table.