MLC survivor.. and I did everything wrong! - 05/21/09 09:15 AM
Want to know what its like to truly do everything wrong? Just ask. I was married 16 years, together 20 (since 18), 3 kids; long story short, the husband had a massive MLC, went to the UK to 'visit his family' where he managed to have an affair with his own 17 yr old neice (yup), came back and dumped us all, did all the usual making up crap and being a jerk, ran back to her had a live in relationship with her 3 months, played the tear jerker so i took him back (yea, I thought he was crazy and needed 'my help'), only to lie, cheat, bring her OVER behind our backs, then finally after 12 months of living an absolute hell, he ran away to the UK again with her. No contact with him, no contact with our kids.
Wanted to make it all work, I truly did, but I couldn't fight this silly young woman and the pull she had; not even our kids were good enough compared to that paragon of lovliness to make it worse her own parents were allll for it and lied and covered for him (and still do).
I am now on my 3rd year alone. I am proud to say I divorced him last year, and even prouder to say I went all the way to the Supreme Court to legally change my kids names into mine (his family have nothing to do with us.) I still suffer enormously, I have good days and bad; the worst of it was so bad, that now, when I remember it, its like watching a movie about someone else. I fought for my life; my kids; integrity and love; and I lost. I did absolutely everything not recommended. I am not a bit sorry, looking back. I did what I had to do. Including making my feelings very, very clear to them all. i do not regret it a bit. But do i still regret the marriage breakdown?? of course I do. I knew him since I was 15. I miss him all the time, despite what he did.
I did not find forums like this, until my sitch was well and truly burning in hell... pity! but seeing as I did absolutely EVERYTHING not recommended, I could certainly share exactly what happens when you do that
Mostly I wanted to give some women some hope... some idea that things do get better, even if he NEVER comes back. I am not happy yet. I know that. But I am much better. If i can do it, raising three kids on my own, with no child support and his family turned their backs on me, I could help others know they can do it too... its so hard... but its so rewarding as well. I couldn't even drive or put petrol in my car when he left. Now, I am so independent I cant imagine living with a man again. Maybe one day.
I see so many women hoping and hoping, wishing and wishing for him back, such loving women! just like I did for years, and I have a few points for you to consider if your in that painful boat:
1) the past is past, and what he has done will colour the future - you'll never get the past back.
2) The kids never get over it, and it might not be in their interests to have him back at all.
3) remember you have your children and their families to look forward to, and your grandchildren; you have a life, even if you never love again.
4) I guarantee you one day you will realise, that even though the pain is still there, and you still love him.... you no longer respect him. When that happens, dont be sad. your MOVING ON.
5) Dont beat yourself up about how you crawled and did so much to make him stay. You loved and you wanted it to work. Your not pathetic; your strong, amazing, and wonderful. HIS LOSS!
6) The day you can imagine seeing him together with the OW and it makes you laugh at the sky... FEEL THE POWER!
7) Wear your battle and your loss with dignity; you bear medals no one can see. You have nothing to be ashamed of. He does.
8) If his family abandoned you, then its clear what kind of stock he came from. Its not about you; its all about them. They have nothing to be proud of.
9) Dont get so CAUGHT UP in the whole whirlwind of GETTING A LIFE. you LOST YOUR LIFE. its going to take a while. I still have no life! But I am surviving. If you dont feel like it dont do it. Your a grown woman. DO what makes you feel right, and if your like me, it might be doing things at home by yourself like hobbies, rather than 'socialising'. and
NUMBER 10: KNOW THAT FROM ALL THIS YOU ARE A KINDER, STRONGER, MORE FORGIVING, BETTER PERSON, WHO HAS SO MUCH HUMILITY, SO MUCH GRATITUDE, AND SUCH A WILL THAT YOU SURVIVED EVEN THE PERSON YOU LOVED THE MOST AND WHOM YOU THOUGHT LOVED YOU THE MOST ABUSING YOU IN WAYS YOU COULDNT EVEN DREAM OF. your a SURVIVOR and survivors of THIS type of abuse NEVER GET TALKED ABOUT! We might as well have been bashed our entire marriages for what we went through - and the pain our kids suffered will go on forever. STAND TALL BE PROUD.
XXOXOXOXO to EVERY WOMAN SUFFERING RIGHT NOW. if I could take just five MINUTES of YOUR pain, to give you FIVE MINUTES of pure joy, I'd do it. I havent had my five minutes of joy yet... but I know its coming. One day!
Wanted to make it all work, I truly did, but I couldn't fight this silly young woman and the pull she had; not even our kids were good enough compared to that paragon of lovliness to make it worse her own parents were allll for it and lied and covered for him (and still do).
I am now on my 3rd year alone. I am proud to say I divorced him last year, and even prouder to say I went all the way to the Supreme Court to legally change my kids names into mine (his family have nothing to do with us.) I still suffer enormously, I have good days and bad; the worst of it was so bad, that now, when I remember it, its like watching a movie about someone else. I fought for my life; my kids; integrity and love; and I lost. I did absolutely everything not recommended. I am not a bit sorry, looking back. I did what I had to do. Including making my feelings very, very clear to them all. i do not regret it a bit. But do i still regret the marriage breakdown?? of course I do. I knew him since I was 15. I miss him all the time, despite what he did.
I did not find forums like this, until my sitch was well and truly burning in hell... pity! but seeing as I did absolutely EVERYTHING not recommended, I could certainly share exactly what happens when you do that
Mostly I wanted to give some women some hope... some idea that things do get better, even if he NEVER comes back. I am not happy yet. I know that. But I am much better. If i can do it, raising three kids on my own, with no child support and his family turned their backs on me, I could help others know they can do it too... its so hard... but its so rewarding as well. I couldn't even drive or put petrol in my car when he left. Now, I am so independent I cant imagine living with a man again. Maybe one day.
I see so many women hoping and hoping, wishing and wishing for him back, such loving women! just like I did for years, and I have a few points for you to consider if your in that painful boat:
1) the past is past, and what he has done will colour the future - you'll never get the past back.
2) The kids never get over it, and it might not be in their interests to have him back at all.
3) remember you have your children and their families to look forward to, and your grandchildren; you have a life, even if you never love again.
4) I guarantee you one day you will realise, that even though the pain is still there, and you still love him.... you no longer respect him. When that happens, dont be sad. your MOVING ON.
5) Dont beat yourself up about how you crawled and did so much to make him stay. You loved and you wanted it to work. Your not pathetic; your strong, amazing, and wonderful. HIS LOSS!
6) The day you can imagine seeing him together with the OW and it makes you laugh at the sky... FEEL THE POWER!
7) Wear your battle and your loss with dignity; you bear medals no one can see. You have nothing to be ashamed of. He does.
8) If his family abandoned you, then its clear what kind of stock he came from. Its not about you; its all about them. They have nothing to be proud of.
9) Dont get so CAUGHT UP in the whole whirlwind of GETTING A LIFE. you LOST YOUR LIFE. its going to take a while. I still have no life! But I am surviving. If you dont feel like it dont do it. Your a grown woman. DO what makes you feel right, and if your like me, it might be doing things at home by yourself like hobbies, rather than 'socialising'. and
NUMBER 10: KNOW THAT FROM ALL THIS YOU ARE A KINDER, STRONGER, MORE FORGIVING, BETTER PERSON, WHO HAS SO MUCH HUMILITY, SO MUCH GRATITUDE, AND SUCH A WILL THAT YOU SURVIVED EVEN THE PERSON YOU LOVED THE MOST AND WHOM YOU THOUGHT LOVED YOU THE MOST ABUSING YOU IN WAYS YOU COULDNT EVEN DREAM OF. your a SURVIVOR and survivors of THIS type of abuse NEVER GET TALKED ABOUT! We might as well have been bashed our entire marriages for what we went through - and the pain our kids suffered will go on forever. STAND TALL BE PROUD.
XXOXOXOXO to EVERY WOMAN SUFFERING RIGHT NOW. if I could take just five MINUTES of YOUR pain, to give you FIVE MINUTES of pure joy, I'd do it. I havent had my five minutes of joy yet... but I know its coming. One day!