Weird mid life occurance.
Ex showed up at the house at about 4 p.m. I was at work, the 2 girls were home.
He did not get out of his car.
After about 15 minutes my daughter went outside and said, "Dad, what the heck are you doing."
He said, "I've been waiting for your for 15 minutes, come on it is time to go".
My daughter said, "you never called and told me you were going
to pick me up, you never come this early".
He said, "OH, just forget it" and left.
My daughter said it was real weird.
She said he was so confused and spacey.
I was reading an article about affairs today.
It was very interesting. They had polled men and women who had affairs and asked them how the sex was with their OW/OM.
95 PERCENT SAID THE SEX WAS TERRIBLE.
They said there was so much guilt between them and their partner that neither could relax enough to enjoy what was going on.
Also, many of the men stated that after a while they experienced
severe erectile dysfunction.
I thought this tidbit would make everyone's day.......
.......[/quote] Also, many of the men stated that after a while they experienced severe erectile dysfunction.
I thought this tidbit would make everyone's day.......[/quote]
T- I know this one for a FACT!! my x purchases viagra!
T- won't it be a great day when we can look in the mirror and say... I made it. God gave me strength and I really AM better today then I was even with X. (EVEN if we are WITH them...) does that make sense?
I feel change within me... it is wierd. Just new strength and self confidence that wasn't there before. Just wierd.
Trusting your h does some weird things. It seems as if he doesn't know what direction to take his life. Maybe he was doing a drive by without intentionally coming by that early and then your D came out to the car, so he had to say something.
I don't know how early he was, but I thought it was your h that used to drive around the neighborhood in the past. Maybe again he was reflecting on what he has lost.
Sheer Madness!
You know, I'd like to think that is the case but we have to accept that maybe it isn't. At any rate, it's like whatever at this point.
Trusting, are you still working out?
Breton,
Still working out and working on getting my body fat lower than ever. It is a challenge, but swimsuit season approaches.
Glam,
Yes that was my ex, always driving around the neighborhood looking at things, very weird.
Driving around in circles...just like his life... circles --
I hope one day he comes to a stop sign.
Trusting,
A lot of them do the driving around w/o any thought of why or where they are going. They suddenly pull up and immediately think that everyone should give a shout of joy. They can't tell you why they did it either. Some day....he will hit the stop sign and wake up.
Enjoy your Saturday.
I just hope he SEEs the stop sign BEFORE he ruins any more lives.
So true Cagz......
Not too much new with my sitch.
Kids say the fights with OW are terrible and ugly.
OW clawed ex's face the other week. The 4 year old said it started bleeding.
Ex walks around telling the kids constantly that he "has no regrets in getting rid of me". What an inappropriate thing to say to your children regarding their mother.
It is funny now, those things don't really hit my heart like they use to. That searing pain we all have felt when we find out something appalling or the Ml'er says something demeaning, hateful, or nasty toward us.
Now it is just a "twinge" and then I move forward or just focus on what I was doing. We have learned that if we concentrate on every hateful thing the ML'er does we will become hateful..... So we let pass. I guess this is what detachment is all about.
We are only successful though at detachment if we are able to process the horrible thing and not let it affect ourselves or others. We have to be careful that we don't take this anger we feel and dump it on someone else. That would make us as bad as the ML'er. I am guilty of doing this, but awareness is the key. If you are aware that this happens, you can control it.
Thus, the difference between us and the ML'er is awareness. Awareness is the ability to look within, a sense of self, an examination of the soul. I really feel my Ml'er has never examined himself. He has never taken the time to get to know who he is, what he believes in, and who his higher power is. He has always just focused on superficial things like, what do I need to acquire, when will I make my first million, and are my teeth white enough.
God knows if we did not have awareness before, as standers we sure have it now. We had to take a hard road in examining ourselves, our boundaries and our belief system. As we progress through our journey the distance between our souls and the Ml'ers get farther and farther apart. Our growth is staggering, our pain monumental. The Ml'ers are so far away from us they no longer appear human. Thus the birth of the "alien".
The difficulty in reconciling or restoring this marriage is finding a common ground with our souls. Meeting each other halfway, wanting to fix what is broken. It requires divine intervention. That is the only explanation for those people who have made a better marriage out of this mess. That and a hell of a lot of work.
Even though our fate is not clear to us, we need to move on. We all wonder if we will get that opportunity to work on our marriages. Some of us have decided that it is not worth it. Whatever one decides, it is ok. One thing I do know is this, our future relationships will be more meaningful, less superficial, special, more loving and expressive. We will stop and smell the roses so to speak. No more taking one for granted. Our lives are forever changed for the better.
Even though our fate is not clear to us, we need to move on. We all wonder if we will get that opportunity to work on our marriages. Some of us have decided that it is not worth it. Whatever one decides, it is ok. One thing I do know is this, our future relationships will be more meaningful, less superficial, special, more loving and expressive. We will stop and smell the roses so to speak. No more taking one for granted. Our lives are forever changed for the better.
Amen!
Wow, Trusting. That was awesome. So many things you have written have truly inspired me. I'm not sure I've ever told you that. This really spoke to my heart today.
Sometimes I still struggle to believe that my life has been changed for the better, but other times I do see glimpses of it. At least, I am starting to see the possibilities.
I see so many similarities in a lot of the MLCer's. My exH also never took the time to examine himself. ...Well.....maybe that's not completely true. He acknowledged some of his insecurities, but I don't think either one of us realized how low his self-esteem really was or how deeply those insecurities affected him. He never tried to find out WHY he judged himself and everyone around him so harshly, or why he felt like a personal failure if his incredibly high expectations for every area of his life weren't met.
He wasn't a completely superficial person. He was a very good and moral man, and a wonderfully loving and generous husband and father. But he was always striving for his ideal of perfection, which did include a lot of superficial trappings. (Money, job success, social standing, a big house, high achieving kids.) And when his life didn't measure up to his expectations---or more importantly, when it DID measure up to most of his expectations only for him to realize he still wasn't "happy" and still didn't feel better about himself---he didn't know how to deal with it. And to top it off, he started freaking out about turning 40.
Instead of examining his fears and insecurities to figure out why he was feeling the way he was feeling, instead of being honest with me, instead of going to counseling, instead of making a conscious effort to work on the specific areas of his life he was unhappy with, instead of learning how to set personal goals while still being content with the blessings he already had, instead of turning to a higher power---it was easier to blame me for every bad feeling in his life. It was easier to run away and try to reinvent himself with someone new who didn't know any of his fears and weaknesses and insecurities and shameful feelings about himself.
It was easier to direct his anger and hate toward me instead of toward himself. And it still is.
He has changed a lot of the superficial things about himself---his appearance, his clothing, his bed partner, his circle of friends---but he is still the same person with the same problems. He hasn't done any work on himself. He is still lashing out at me and blaming me for all his problems, even though we separated 26 months ago, bimbOW moved in with him 23 months ago, and the divorce was final 5 months ago. He still blames others for everything that goes wrong.
It seems that this is a common story in MLC land, especially with the MLCer's who turn into "monsters."
I, on the other hand, have become aware of a lot of things about myself. Some pleasant, some extremely unpleasant. I am not blameless in what went wrong in my marriage. Some things I should have and easily could have done differently. There are some things about myself I don't like and have changed or am still striving to change. Other things I have realized are a part of who I am, a part of what makes me ME, and aren't necessarily "bad" and don't really need to be changed.
I am coming to terms with the fact that his decision to forsake his marriage vows, to turn his back on his children, to run away from his promises and commitments and responsibilities is HIS choice, NOT my failure. I am trying to stop beating myself up for not being a perfect wife. I am realizing that even if I had been perfect in every way,
PERFECTION DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE. Me being perfect would not have fixed what was wrong in his heart and mind.
As we progress through our journey the distance between our souls and the Ml'ers get farther and farther apart. Our growth is staggering, our pain monumental. The Ml'ers are so far away from us they no longer appear human.
I love how you put this. I'm finding this to be true. I do feel light years beyond exH now. Not better than him really, just further along in my life's journey. He's gone back to adolescence; I've graduated to true adulthood. I know that he CAN reach this point someday, too, and I pray that he will. (Sooner rather than later would be good!) ;-)
When this whole MLC mess started, so many people told me that I would find happiness again. Some even said that I would eventually come to realize that this was the best thing that ever happened to me. (I don't know that I'll ever reach that point, as nothing could make the pain and betrayal my kids continue to suffer through worth it.)
But I do see now that what both my doctor and my counselor told me was very true---they both said that most men who walk out on their families eventually "wake-up" and realize that they've made a mistake, but that most often it's too late to "go home" because their wives have moved on. My counselor said sometimes it's because the woman has new love in her life, but often it's just that she has grown and changed so much that the man can't catch up. (And I know that this applies equally to WAW's and Left Behind Husbands.)
I have to keep moving forward down the path of life that God has in store for me. I hope that at some point I will meet another soul along the way and we can travel together through the rest of life. Maybe exH will catch up to me and be that person, but maybe it will be someone new. That is in God's hands.
Trusting, hope you are having a beautiful day. Thanks again for what you wrote.
We are only successful though at detachment if we are able to process the horrible thing and not let it affect ourselves or others. We have to be careful that we don't take this anger we feel and dump it on someone else. That would make us as bad as the ML'er. I am guilty of doing this, but awareness is the key. If you are aware that this happens, you can control it.
Well stated. I have been feeling the anger lately and I'm trying my best to be aware of why I hurt/angry and not dump on the people around me. Detachment isn't easy!
Thus, the difference between us and the ML'er is awareness. Awareness is the ability to look within, a sense of self, an examination of the soul. I really feel my Ml'er has never examined himself. He has never taken the time to get to know who he is, what he believes in, and who his higher power is.
I think my H had some periods of self-examination, but it is so true that now he has entered a MLC he has
no awareness whatsoever of what he is going through. He says he's too young to have a MLC(he's 44!)..And its as if he does not want to know...
Upside, Tpaschel, Kjen,
Thanks for all your comments. Mid life crisis is so deep, with so many facets. Sometimes it brings out the deepest of feelings.
My daughter came home from school and asked to go shopping. I told her I could not today. She became somewhat disrespectful and I took her phone away due to that. She used the house phone and called her father to take her shopping. She was trying to use our situation to her advantage.
I called my ex and told him what had happened. He was somewhat supportive in not feeding into her manipulation as teen agers will do.
We talked and I told him that even though we are no longer together, I feel we need to be good parents and come together on some of this teen age manipulation.
He agreed. I told him that I struggle with how difficult it is to parent in a divorce. He agreed. He stated he hates what the divorce has caused. He played down big time his part in it, but I felt this was a huge step.
I felt we had actually connected for the first time in many years
Trusting - when I read your post today, I again saw (in my mind's eye) your words and sentences, as though they were typeset in a published book. I hope you will consider starting, if you have not already, writing down all your insights in a notebook that might grow into a manuscript!
Trusting wrote:Thus, the difference between us and the ML'er is awareness. Awareness is the ability to look within, a sense of self, an examination of the soul.
I agree completely. In the past year, I have become a student in a two-year interfaith chaplaincy program. I have to present a report on the ancient religion of Jainism in about 8 days, so yesterday, I drove down to the Jain Center of Greater Boston for a second visit to their Temple. Jains place great importance on looking within and examining one's soul in order to refine who we are and to evolve to higher planes.
The Jain Temple in Norwood has many of their teachings hung on the walls to educate and remind the community of what to strive for. As I was reading the placard for their 5 primary mahavratas, or vows, I could not help thinking, about how relevant they are to MLCs and how nearly impossible it would be for a MLCer to practice Jainism!:
1. Ahimsa - The vow of non harm. Not only to not kill, but not to emotionally harm another.
2. Satya - The vow not to lie.
3. Non-Stealing. Maybe this would apply to not stealing another person's spouse too?
4. Bramacharaya - The vow to be chaste.
5. Aparigraha - The vow to renounce property and material objects. So much for the new sports car and MLC bling...
Trusting wrote:...As we progress through our journey the distance between our souls and the Ml'ers get farther and farther apart. Our growth is staggering, our pain monumental. The Ml'ers are so far away from us they no longer appear human. Thus the birth of the "alien".
The Jains and Hindus oftentimes use the metaphor of spiritual practice serving the purpose of a raft, with the goal of moving across the waters, which can be rough, to get to the other side which is the next place of experience. How many times have we LBS's felt like we are on the raft, trying to keep things together, and also wanting to reach out to rescue our spouse who has fallen off the raft, and is being swept in the current toward rocks and maybe even a waterfall? We learn that we cannot rescue them, and we might even have to let go of the rope as they are further and further from us. It is a nightmare to be in this situation, and unfortunately, unlike most nightmares, we cannot just wake up and shake it off as a bad dream.
Trusting wrote:The difficulty in reconciling or restoring this marriage is finding a common ground with our souls. Meeting each other halfway, wanting to fix what is broken. It requires divine intervention. That is the only explanation for those people who have made a better marriage out of this mess. That and a hell of a lot of work.
This is the question that really intrigues me. Is it possible through prayer or meditation to increase the chances of divine intervention? I wonder if the high success rate of Retrouvaille is partly due to the fact that a Retrouvaille weekend creates a spiritual common ground where the souls of the two individuals connect - not just the egos meshing like you get in most counseling sessions? Unfortunately, it does require both spouses to agree to coming together at the common ground. My wife has declined attending Retrouvaille the four times I have asked her in the past couple of years.
Trusting wrote:Even though our fate is not clear to us, we need to move on. We all wonder if we will get that opportunity to work on our marriages. Some of us have decided that it is not worth it. Whatever one decides, it is ok...Our lives are forever changed for the better.
I am struggling with this right now. My W has not filed, and has not talked about meeting with a divorce lawyer in many months. I want to move on toward a positive future, but I am still on my raft in the river.
I will probably get a new thread going to expand more on my thoughts.
Thanks again, Trusting, for your excellent posts which get great discussions going!
LG
Lord,
Thank you for your insights and especially what you said about my posts. That affirmation is exactly what I needed tonight.
I have just gotten back from meeting with my Ml'er. We got together to discuss parenting my teen age daughter.
It was very insightful. It was a somewhat productive meeting but I did leave it feeling like I was the crazy one. They have a wonderful ability to make you feel like you caused all this mess. That skill is quite amazing.
Something bothered me after I met with my ex. I could not figure out what it was until I went to bed and allowed all the thoughts of the day to leave my mind.
My feelings now scare me.
I looked closely at my ex during our meeting. He looked old, beaten, thin, tired. I have not seen him face to face since October.
I felt nothing.
I did not feel the need to have him back. I did not feel the need to feel his touch, his embrace, to get his approval, to impress him. I no longer saw him as a part of me, an extension of myself. It was almost like he was a stranger to me.
When we parted, I did not cry in my car like I usually would. I did not feel particularly lonely as he left. I did not really want to be with him any longer than I had. I did not wonder when the next time I would see him would be.
I kept asking myself what does this mean? Are these feelings gone or locked up? Am I done? Is this a sign?
I don't have any answers right now. I am just surprised. This took me off guard. I was not expecting this from myself.
The more I thought about it. The more I started to realize my
feelings are probably a very normal reaction to three years of rejection, put downs, manipulation, betrayal, pain, and destruction. To feel anything other than that would be odd.
I certainly see my mistakes in the marriage. I have not recently admitted that I had made any. I do realize now that I was awfully slow to forgive. I held my ex to a very high standard. I think he got tired of trying to be something he was not. As his life became more stressful, he no longer had any fight in him. He did not want to put any effort into me or the kids. He just wanted to exist without judgement, responsibilities, or duties.
I was not a safe haven, because I was just a reminder of what he was not. I think he so much wanted to be that man for me, but he could'nt.
So what have I learned. Be more forgiving. Love the person, hate the actions. I always did love him, but I should have shown it more.
Hard lesson to learn. Did I deserve this whole journey, mid life crisis, divorce, betrayal? Probably not. Would it have played out any different if I would have been more loving or forgiving? I don't know.
I would be a fool though if I did not look at myself.
T
wow you do have amazing insight
I could also agree with all of the above
I too wanted expected my X to fit this mold I created
It was wrong
He played the part for a while..maybe he roo wanted to be this person
He was not the person of integrity..that I wanted in a man
I was foolish when I M him
I didnt see how his scarred childhood would affect him
I too like you made many mistakes
was not appreciative for his efforts
was too critical and also unforgiving
I was too immature myself for a M
Maybe we thought we could change them
peace
Peace,
Part of my problem was control. I wanted it, he wanted it, we were so much alike. Sometimes it managed to compliment our relationship, but as he became more insecure it started to destruct.
My life started to expand and spiritually grow. He was stagnant and depressed. He became jealous and searched for someone who could reflect his pain. I just reflected what he was not and I did not at all sympathise with his depression. Mainly because I was tired of it. He had let it go on so long that it started to annoy me. I felt like I was living with a child instead of a man. He was always complaining, blaming, and playing the martyr. It was very difficult to live with and raise children in that environment.
Yesterday when I met with him, old feelings came back. Those feelings of walking on eggshells, insecurity, weakness. I walked away almost feeling relieved that I no longer had to live like that - not free to grow into my potential.
I almost felt gratitude.
I do though have to say that he is improving, or taking baby steps toward his personal growth. I no longer view it as baby steps toward reconciling. He has to make steps toward improving himself before he can ever be capable of having a healthy relationship.
I almost felt sorry for OW, because I am sure her level of self-esteem has to be lower than ever. She must be experiencing all that I use to. Maybe that is our so called revenge or justice. I don't really know, but it is not in my hands.
Yesterday my ex wanted to make sure I knew he was praying alot, giving blood to the church, working hard on having good relationships with his children. He told me that he only wished me good luck and a happy marriage with someone else. He told me that he would not be getting married any time soon.
Ex is still full of contradictions, projection, anger, irrational actions and words, etc... They just have toned down a bit.
He tried very hard to convince me that he was a success, a better parent than me, a clearer thinker, a busy and productive business person.
One thing kept running through my mind during the whole thing: "empty trucks make the most noise."
Our feelings towards Hs are similar. I think H was intimidated by my successes. I think I have also been slow to forgive but I also think that unlike H, I was always willing to work on R.
I like what you said about the trucks.
Trusting - I agree with Lord- your insight, expereince and honesty need to be published! you dont bring false hope - just truth and sincerity.
More to you later but let me say real quick.
1- your "feelings" after leaving your x the other day showed to me HEALTH and HEALING" and forgiveness.
2- you saw the real him -- and the life that he has lived is showing up physically (my x is beginning to really show signs of it too -- more on that later)
3- projection - how can he admit any guilt...it would cause him to have to look inside himself.
and the key thing I have seen -- your x was so much like mine. you said it in teh beginning..he never dealt with his "stuff". So much of our world is like that. YES WE ALL have had stuff. and there is the ultimate Healer who can bring us to health and peace. BUT we HAVE to do the work within ourselves. face our "junk". And they just plain DONT WANT TO.
AND I TOTALLY TOTALLY agree that TRUE reconciliation has to be a divine intervention -- and THAT takes 2 willing parties. GOD can and WILL work with the heart of the stander (and usually the stander is willing to work on themselves) BUT the runner --- only he/she can CHOOSE to stop running and go into the doctor for a "check up".
You amaze me as you know.
man our speaking engagements some day are going to be awesome!!
Thanks Cagz, I appreciate it.
I thank God everyday for this wonderful board. I would have surely went insane without it and the extraordinary people on it.
After my meeting with my ex, I began to analyze how he might view me. This is what I came up with.
HE VIEWS ME AS ONE BIG PIECE OF STRESS.
I represent failure. I represent responsibility. I represent expense. I represent confidence that he does not have. I represent broken dreams. I represent the aging process. I represent every woman that has left him, including his dead mother. I represent an education he never chose to get.
I represent his low testosterone level. I represent mortality.
I represent the loving mother he never had.
All of this creates great fear in him.
When you have great fear you can either FIGHT the fear or FLIGHT the fear.
Depressed people always choose FLIGHT because they think this will be the easier road which requires less energy.
What they can't see is that this is actually the harder road which requires more energy.
FLIGHT takes the form of affairs, vacations, spending, self-destruction, abandoning the family, lying, deceit, etc.....
What the Ml'er never looks at is the consequences.
Sin is only fun for a short time, then one has to pay the piper.
The key to this battle is to slowly dissipate the STRESS, and replace it with kindness, comfort, affirmations, unconditional love, peace, safety, security, forgiveness and nurturing.
This of course takes time and effort. Trial and error. Practice and patience. Slowly we have to replace the negative image of us (sometimes real, sometimes imagined) with the positive image.
The Ml'er does not make any effort with this part of the journey. He has no energy to work on the relationship. It is all up to the stander.
Slowly, one piece at a time begins to be replaced. The Ml'er begins to soften his heart and as this occurs the mind begins to clear and becomes more rational.
What is in the heart travels to the mind and comes out as behaviors and actions.
Trusting,
I love your last post. What a clear summary of what our spouses must see, of what we LBS must do, of our hope for rational thought and softened heart to return to our loved ones.
Last night as my H and I were leaving or first couples communication class my H said he has a fear that if he puts effort into our marriage and the marriage still fails, that will be the end. Unfortunately, instead of just validating, I stated my view that if we don't put effort into our marriage it will fail. I missed a good validating moment there and H noticed! My H has said he has had fears all of his life. Fear of poverty, fear of ending up alone...even now with his ongoing A, he has said his biggest fear is that he will end up alone and on food stamps within months. He may be unconsciously creating a self-fulfilling prophecy...
Isn't it odd, they are creating a self fulfilling prophecy... mine is doing this very same thing. He expresses that he doesn't want this, he misses me, he loves me, how did we get here, on and on and on. Yet, every action is a step toward the very things he "says" he is afraid of and does not want. Every step. He spends his time with the og, then calls me and texts me when she's gone about how miserable he is. A person who is thinking rationally simply cannot see why they continue to go down this path. It is utterly bizarre.
Mine always thought we would repeat his parents mistakes, he acted out his self fulfilling prophecy and repeated exactly what his mother did. Very weird.
Ex emailed me today. He and OW are going on a vacation in May.
He is broke and has very little credit, but is still managing to do this - so stupid.
Trusting,
As I read your post I identified so much. AND I felt like I was reading a standers version of many verses in the Bible.
Funny really - the fundamentals even are in the Word. In Proverbs it talks about the heart, how it is desperately wicked, about that sin has a cost. Have you ever read the chapter that WARNS us to watch out for the "other woman/man" that will flower us with words, affirmation -- not caring about the reprocussions, the fallout?
The runnign - the FLIGHT does seem so easy. Man, watching my x it LOOKS easy. Singleness LOOKS so simple... you have knowoen to worry about except yourself. And for a time that IS what they want. Sad really - because as you stated.... at some time you will have to pay the piper.
Last thought- your x - vacation - Hmm makes sense doesn't it really? If la la land is shakey he CANT fail again ... so he has to go RUN off and pretend rather than face himself.. It isn't really strange. They do do the same thign again and again...
He is still self medicating.......
Ok we know they are forgetful right....yesterday my XH emailed me asking me our oldest sons BDAY .....( it is the same days has his Mothers ) oh my gosh...has anyone ever had that? I know they can forget dates but their own kids? We only have two.
Grace,
Yes they are extremely forgetful. Synapses do not connect in the brain any longer.
another Vacation!
Im sure they are hoping it will FIX their R, which must have become a real problem at this point
peace
T, maybe a temporary respite is all.
I am just thankful beyond belief that he is not taking the kids..
very glad for you that he is not taking the kids as well!!
Rough past couple of days.
Ex has been bad mouthing me in front of the kids a lot.
That does wear on me.
I worry so much about how my children's emotional health will be affected.
I found a note OW wrote my oldest daughter last Christmas while I was cleaning her room. It spoke of how grateful she was in finding the man of her dreams. She talked about how she never thought she could love anyone as much as she loves ex. I then found a note my ex wrote my daughter. It talked about how he had finally found his perfect companion. It all just took me for a loop so to speak.
Ex and OW are trying so hard to "be in love" to justify all their horrible behaviors. Yes, I know this was wrote 4 months ago, but it was just hard to read.
Trusting,
Everyone on your thread is always super supportive and that is what we come here for. But sometimes the things you say, worry me. Especially as I think I remember you work as a therapist, or mental health nurse or something? So I wonder if you couldnt be able to 'see' with more clarity perhaps, human nature.
When you say "Ex and OW are trying so hard to "be in love" to justify all their horrible behaviors." .. has it ever occurred to you (sad as it is for you and your M).. that your ex actually IS in love with this woman? Afterall, he fell in love with you once? So he does have the capacity to do that.
People tell me all the time that men are quite straightforward, that I should take on face value what they do/say... if your H professes to love this woman, and it has been 4 years afterall, do you think perhaps you should work on acceptance that that might be true? As hard as it is, I know, but how else are you supposed to read it? If you accept he is gone and 'let go' he may surprise you, who knows?
In terms of DBing.. my DB coach told me even after just 6 months with ow, to perhaps write him a letter.. to say, I accept it, you have chosen ow, but I would like us to at least be friends. Give him permission to feel the weight of his decision and to respect his choice.. only when you really let them go can you tell if they want to come back. Its human nature. I'm sorry I am not explaining it very well.
Why is he bad mouthing you? What things is he saying?
Oh Trusting I am so sorry you had to read that. I too have read those words from my x to his ow. It crushes the heart and the soul. I am sorry.
Ali- your timing is off so many times.... read what you wrote...do you see it has trying to be sensitive to the fact that this HUMAN being just read a note to her daughter from her father professing his love for another woman?? Hmmm - maybe you haven't experienced that one yet. IT HURTS....
And to your statement about being "in love" with his ow. He may or may not be that TRULY IS NOT THE POINT. The point IS that a man left his family for another woman....period. AND THAT CRUSHED many many people. AND as you try and heal -- being reminded of that pain hurts.
Cagz, of course it hurts and of course I know that, gosh, absolutely. And I didnt remind Trusting of the pain, the note did. I am simply suggesting.. its human nature.. if you really let something go, to fly free.. it is more likely to return to you. The tighter you grip, the more it struggles. Didnt you read what I wrote??
I appreciate you feel protective and deeply care for Trusting.. but at the moment, this man is gone living with an OW and me and Breton have tried to express a few different ways of handling this. I still stand by that.. I think its time to respect his choice on the face of it (in a DBing sense), let him feel that, let him go in a sense, but time now to be his friend. See what affect that has on him.
Trusting,
Yeah, well, your kids are smart enough to know what's up. I'm sorry you had to read that, though.
When your love is shaky, you need a lot of dramatic declarations.
I think mature love is a lot less dramatic.
Ali- you are right about my protective nature with Trusting. It is funny - she has been about 6 months ahead of my stitch (on the posting part) and I have admired everything she has done...
She is bright - and very reflective..she will do whats right. She often does.
I have no doubt about one thing -- if we are on here we want to heal and we want our marriages back. And I believe that all of our intentions are good....
and we all know when this happens....thay have to hold on to how much they love the OW.....right I mean how could a good mean leave his family and all of his values and beliefs unless he picked the wrong women......remember it even is in the Bible with ADAM and EVE...God it was the woman you gave me
we thought there were values and vows in place.....and the foundation of what you build your life on has been demolished so we all know the fault all as to be with the LBS and how perfect the new couple are for each other...and to get a child to believe that who has had her family torn apart....but doenst understand all that it means would certainly under if Her Dad is happy and loves the OW, if the children could only understand that than all would be fine...I am just trying to express how I think the OW and XH may be thinking and how they are tyring to appeal to the children, becuase afterall if we LOVE EACH othe and are happy......then its ok...ITS ALL JUST PART OF THE DEAL..YES IT HURTS...but knowledge is power...
Trusting,
Wow. So sorry you had to go through that. It's got to be so hard on your daughter to hear all that crap. As a mom, I know you hurt for her as much or more as for yourself. Does she talk to you about how she's feeling? Does she see a counselor?
I know these guys are off in la-la land, but the fact that they seem to completely lose all sensitivity towards their kids' feelings is just unbelievable..... What kid wants to hear that kind of stuff from a dad who walked out on his family, or from the homewrecker who encouraged him to walk out? Maybe an adult son or daughter could handle hearing that type of info. from a parent, but not a child or a teenager.
I don't know if my ex has ever told my kids that he's in love with the OW, but before he moved out and for about a year after he left he told them repeatedly that he was leaving because he "didn't love mommy anymore." My oldest D said to him, "So what? How could you leave me and S8 and D4 (their ages at the time)? Don't you love US? How could you choose HER (bimbOW) over all of us?" He never had any answer for her.
No matter how hard my ex tries to justify his actions, what the kids take away from his leaving is this---They didn't mean enough to him for him to stay. They weren't worth sticking around for.
That breaks my heart. I just have to make sure my kids realize that is HIS failing, NOT theirs.
IMO, the letters to your daughter were a desperate attempt to justify, and to try to get sympathy from your daughter. How sick and messed up is that?
trusting -- thinking of you.
Thinking of you too Cagz.
Trying to catch up on the yard work.
I forgot how grueling taking care of 3 acres is.
The winter is a piece of cake just maintaining the house, but
this yard is a killer.
The first of month of summer I am usually outside swearing my head off as to why things played out the way they did.
but.....
I am blessed I still have my home.
I am blessed my kids are healthy.
I am blessed I have my father and brothers.
Have not posted in a couple of days.
Discovered that ex used his child support payment this month to book a cruise with him and the OW.
Called him and asked if I could expect May's payment due to that is what I use to pay the mortgage.
I usually have it by the 1st.
He stated that I would get it around the last of the month that "something came up".
I have already put my lawyer on stand by.
Very difficult to see him put OW before his children.
Apparently it is her birthday week.
Apparently they got in a physical fight last week and she called the police on him.
Apparently he is brainless.......
looks like desperation on His part
trying to hold a R together
maybe the cruise will do it..for the moment anyway
but
if he loses the OW..what does he have left after all of this?
that in itself must be a bottom
peace
Peace,
It just seems so desperate on his part. I can't help but feel so bad for the man he has become.
Trusting, It just has to play itself out. The cruise is not going to fix anything. It may make things nice for a little while.
It is good that you're able to have some empathy for him.
I feel as if you have some insights into your H/OW situation that I do not have. I would have more hope if I had the sense that the relationship is not all rainbows and sunshine. I got some of that sense when I saw H's apartment, but I also see him fawning over her. I don't have the sense that the blush is really off the rose. But who knows. I don't have enough contact to really have a sense any more.
Breton,
No relationship will last built on lies.
Your H is just as miserable as mine.
Mine just wears his emotions on his sleeve, he always has.
My ex sent me an email today. It said:
"Happy Mother's Day"
First time in 3 years he has acknowledged any day to me.
Did you text back Trusting?
I hope you did.
Ali,
I did thank him for that. It caught me off guard.
Trusting,
Your ex is waking up just a little bit. When they begin recognizes special holidays, etc., it's a milestone in mlc time. I'm glad you texted him back. He may very well go back into the dark pit now for a while.
Happy Mother's Day!
Trusting, that is great, if only for you.
I wish my H would have done something like that. I think my H has further to go.
Ex was texting me back and forth all day yesterday about kid stuff. It was very weird..... Most of the stuff he was saying had already been communicated by my daughter.
More emails from ex talking about how difficult mother's day was for him due to his mother being gone now for 5 years.
He continues to communicate back and forth.
Trusting,
I think the man needs someone to talk to who knows him and his past. Listen and validate (you know this already). He's bound to slip up and accidentally tell you what is on his mind. I suspect he's got some issues that he may need your assistance with at some point.
Hang in there.
Thanks Snodderly for the advice. He does seem to miss his mom so much. When she died, that was the beginning of his crisis.
Trusting, it sounds as if he really needs some empathy at this time....
More emails from ex regarding his mother. I am just validating and acting like his friend. I have to say I am quite shocked by all of this.
T just caught up with your thread. Apart from your last few posts about how your H has been communicating positively with you I think we are married to the same man
Trusting, I would not be surprised if you get a sudden burst of emotion or even an attempt to reconnect.
He probably doesn't have anybody else to talk with.
being his friend. that is what is right.
sorry about the child support issues..
thought of you much over my time "off".
where have you been Cagz?
i was in the midwest at my sisters wedding. she just remarried for the 2nd time... been single for 20 years!!! it was good... it was good to see what God can do. (she was a WAS.... she has many many regrets and her life has NOT been easy....not at all.)
Kids report continued fighting at the pigpen.
Ex will be taking Ow on a cruise tomorrow.
Kids asked him why he is spending money when he says he has none.
He told the kids he got a great deal on a cruise.
3 credit cards are maxed out.
So not in reality.....
Trusting,
Still fighting over at tye pigsty? The cruise should be a very interesting one....I cannot see either one of them enjoying a cruise if they are constantly fighting...but then again, maybe this is how they communicate.
As for the credit cards, he's got a lot of bills coming due soon. It shall be interesting to see just how he plans to pay them off. He's still off in la-la-land.
yeah a great deal on the cruise...whatever...isn't it funny they don't want to be responsible for what they OWE NOW.
i can sing a la la la land song if u would like.
if they go on the cruise, everything will be fine. The bills will magically disappear.
yeah!
Hey Trusting...
"Kids asked him why he is spending money when he says he has none."
Wow and they are 4, 14 and 17? Thats quite a question at that age. There is no way I would have said that, or challenged my parents, or even been aware of their financial sitch, or of finances in general at 4 or 14 and at 17, I couldnt care a less what they were up to, I was too busy being a teenager. How come they aks these things of their father?
I still thikn you should stop looking at him as SO deluded/ill/mental/whatever. My ex has behaved badly and had bonafide depression for 2 years, but as my C said, even depressed people, like my ex are capable of making choices for themselves and of functioning and actually living a life.
I wonder if he doesnt pick up on your disapproval, or pity.. can you have a bit more of a positive attitude toward him? Yes he's acting out, but he is also getting on with his life and doing what HE wants to do for now. His life hasnt totally gone down the tubes.. he does still see his kids at least and holds down a job. Can you try and view him as a friend, in that, would you heap such disbelief, dissaproval and "tut tut" on a friend? I'm not saying you convey that to him, but he may detect it in you.
If my ex lost his job THEN I would have been worried, that was the barometer for me.
When the kids need money for school, movies, books, etc.. ex always tells them to ask me for the money because he is broke.
They were very confused when he told them he was traveling again.
We have always traveled in the past and the kids know how expensive this is.
Ali, you are right. I do need to be more positive toward my ex.
Positive - kind - those are all things that Jesus would tell us to do. I think it does more for us internally then for them.
Which is really what this is about...healing US.
Tired.
Summer means lots of yard work for me.
I enjoy most of it, but throw that in with working a job, cleaning the house and taking care of 3 kids.
Ex just got back from his cruise.
He had the kids over for Memorial Day dinner with OW.
He had to tell the kids all about his trip.
What is wrong with this picture?
I dont see anything wrong with it really, except that it continues to hurt you. He didnt HAVE to tell his kids all about his trip.. they are his kids and maybe he wanted to tell them about it. Maybe he was excited. Maybe it was fun. Maybe there were things that happened that he thought would amuse them. Maybe, yes, he is trying to shove OW down their throats because he wants to be with her and he wants his kids to accept her. It seems that you and the kids dont (and thats not surprising) and so its this constant 'battle'.
Can you work on your acceptance more Trusting?
(((Trusting)))
Ali,
You are probably right about some of the tings you stated about Trustings exH. However I have a H who has done just this many times over the last nearly 4 years. The first time he did it was after a long weekend in Amsterdam. He had known OW just 12wks at the time. My children had not met her and actually had probably only known about her for a couple of weeks b/c I kept it from them as long as possible (given that these timescales virtually match the length of time he had been left at the time). Anyway he came to see them just hours after returning from this bohemian trip (they stayed in youth hostels NB: this is a man who would never go camping!) but armed with a photo album of the holdiay. He came stood in my house and told them outright (they were 10, 13 and 15 at the time) I brought this to show you b/c I want you to see a picture of my new girlfriend and I want you to see how happy we are. I just need to point out that prior to going on this trip he sent them a letter to tell them that he had never loved me as much as he loved OW, that he had given them everything for 16 years and now it was his turn. He also hoped that when they were adults they found the sort of love that he now had with OW and that he was not going to give it up for anyone.
So yes you might ask Trusting to work on her forgiveness and acceptance but from what I've read of her H he sounds v. similar to mine and in the instance I have just outlined mine clearly wanted to shove OW down their throats. It hurt then and it hurts now (even if it is supressed by them). That does not make forgiveness and acceptance easy to work on.
I think it's important not to assume that things are done with an eye towards hurting us. I don't think my H thinks of me much, if at all. They are just lost in the big forest. I do not know if H will ever make it out.
Yes, it's likely that it's an attempt to get OW accepted, but that is not the same as an attempt to hurt us.
I also think that the more we adjust, the less things hurt. Many things will continue to hurt me, but not with that some power they did when H first left and I felt so very rejected and devastated.
Ex and I continue to talk via phone. He felt the need to explain to me why he and OW went on a vacation.
I stopped him in mid sentence and told him "no need to explain to me your business". He seemed very surprised with that statement.
Life goes on.
He seems so normal now.
No anger.
It is nice.
Trusting, It sounds as if you are moving out of the "mean mommy" role, in his eyes.
It seems that many of us are strong and competent women, and Hs saw us as Mommy rather than partner.
Your H has not detached from you if he feels the need to explain himself, but it sounds as if he is getting there.
I think mine is in a similar vein, but still just as attached to OW.
t you are right on.
anymore (now we are divorced etc.) there is no need for them to explain.
I have chosen to be my x's friend (but realizing that i have to keep boundaries for myself...) as with you i just dont know what is what anymore.
you still amaze me.
Ex retreating back in his shell.
Not responding to my last email, even regarding the kids.
Very unusual for him.
I will give him lots of space.
I sense a lot of things going on.
Especially with his bimbo.
Fighting getting more intense with her according to kids.
She is not liking my communication with ex at all.
She is showing her jealousy.
She asked my daughter to talk to me regarding staying away from my ex.
This is a major turn-off for ex.
He became very upset when he discovered I am taking the kids to Florida for 10 days.
He became even more upset when he found out I will be interviewing for a job.....
Other than the above, I am GAL. I do love my life. I love my home, kids and friends. It is nice not having so much H drama anymore.
My relationship with God is fabulous.
I am being pursued by a European man.
My self-esteem is slowly coming back.
My kids respect me.
I am being recognized for certain projects at work that have been very successful.
THERE IS LIFE AFTER THIS CRAP.
if we had not gone through this ...I dont think one could ever wrap there mind around all the weirdness of divorce....
interesting he is upset you are talking the kids for 10 days to florida.....but a ok for him to go on all the trips with ow....
keep posting...interesting to see how long him and ow will last , my x and ow have been together since 2005 too. I have no idea how things are with them except i think still going
Hi Trusting, just stopping by to say hello. I've haven't been posting but I do still follow some threads on here, like yours.
You sound like you are doing good. Have fun in Florida and good luck with the interview.
We just have to keep moving forward right T?
Trip to florida? Getting ready for your sons college time?
and good luck on your interview.
very proud of u.
your friend...
cagzmom
Trusting,
ah the triangle.
I am starting to realize that the more you push to break people up, the more they will ally against you. Doubly and triply important to leave OP alone as much as possible.
Ex retreating back in his shell.
...My relationship with God is fabulous.
I am being pursued by a European man.
My self-esteem is slowly coming back.
My kids respect me.
I am being recognized for certain projects at work that have been very successful.
THERE IS LIFE AFTER THIS CRAP
I am so happy for you, Trusting!
Your post has lifted my spirits, and reminded me that we might all be experiencing adventures we never dreamed of just a few years ago.
Yes - it has required journeying through much pain and fear, but in many ways, the good in life will be more vivid and meaningful to us as it arrives. I have been noticing how beautiful the tree canopies are as their branches sway in the breezes. It's as if my appreciation for their beauty has increased this year. Little things like that are encouraging.
Now - to swing to polar opposite:
I wonder if your H is going quiet because he is acquiescing to the bimbo out of fear that he may lose her, after losing you already? Being left alone to face the destruction he has wrought would be a terrifying prospect.
Thanks everyone I appreciate it.
Ex dropped the kids off today.
I was in the bathtub.
Ex walked around in the house and eventually left after about 15 minutes.
circles again.. he is a ding dong!!
holy cow.. just realized.. little one is 4??!!! WOW!! Such a big age change.. started this when she was just a wee one at 2....
hmmm - bath bath.. that sound nice.
Cagz,
I adopted her from Korea. The day she arrived, my ex's PA was full blown.
I remember holding her in my arms the first night I had her and ex telling me to "find a different father for her" because he was not going to stick around.
Amazing all the pain he put me through.
It is behind me now, I am thankful
yes we do get to the other side
peace
well i know she brings you lots of joy -- screw him
She has brought way more joy than he has, that is for sure.
Thank God she came into my life.
My daughter got diagnosed with mono today. I called ex and told him. He seemed appropriately concerned. I really don't feel too much for him anymore. I don't know if that is good or bad.
I know what you mean
I feel nothing as well for this man my xh is today
hope your daughter will be well soon
I also had mono as a teen
peace
Thanks Peace,
It sounds as if we are in about the same place.
It is hard to feel something for someone that no longer exists.
I sometimes wonder if I am nuts.
Ex has not called to check up on daughter.
Very unlike him.
He always plays down other people's problems because he wants to be the center of attention.
Trusting, I think it is a good thing to not feel so deeply for H. I think it means the wounds are beginning to heal.
I think it is healing T. The wound is scaring (I believe like GOOD scar tissue after drastic surgery). For so long the wound just kept getting it reopened.. through the contact, the divorce proceeding.. all of it. But you are healing. AND like I am like you, I believe that we see them for who they are not who we remember...
The pain for me only comes when I think he is who he was.
Sorry your daughter has mono - it really wipes them out.
As always T- take care of you!!
Sunday was very hard.
My son's high school graduation.
Ex brought OW.
Luckily there were alot of people there and we did not run into them.
It was hard on the heart.
Neighbors looked confused.
Acquaintances were perplexed.
It was hard on my son who graduated.
Sharing my son with a bimbo is ridiculous.
I never pictured my son's graduation as being this way.
trusting-
ughhhhh .....big sigh ....for your son and you
I know you know this but she will never be anything to your son...he may tolerate her to have his Dad...
It is so hard to believe they could be so retarded ......I would venture to say she must have put a ton of pressure to be there
I know how u feel though...yesterday my son had his first game of summer ball....and as I drove to the game I wondered will this be the day she is there....so far never been at an event I have....she went to one early in the high school season that was for a special try out not related to the school in a far away town....some of the other parents were there but only a few....then i heard she showed up at my sons Dads house ready to go to another Saturday game a few months ago and my son told her o no u cant go, that would be disrespectful to my MOM.....and she didnt go...thank GOD.... Getting left for OW is one thing...having them involved in our kids life......oh that is just beyond words...
My son graduates next year from high school......I wonder by then if she will be making her appearance...as the pressure mounts....they did not get involved with our h ...to be hidden away ........I know they cant wait to make their appearances.....they are so foolish to think ....what they think people are thinking....
as far your situation.....wheres that itching powder...lol....ok a girl can dream....
these men are so lost.....at my sons game yesterday...when I see my x now...gosh he just looks so different like a stranger....and that is weird like your in the twlight zone...
keep moving forward...you have grown so much and he is stuck....sad as it is....
your son knows the deal......and isnt that the saddest of all....what we thought were no brainers about the type of Dads our H would be ...and then to deal with the examples they have set for our kids ....its the hardest part...
Trusting,
I know how you feel..I can't stand it.
Getting left for OW is one thing...having them involved in our kids life......oh that is just beyond words...
It is so true..we have no control in it and it stinks. Boy, have we grown!
I don't post much anymore. I am trying not to give ex and ow any more time/head room than I already have. Frankly, they are not worth the expended emotional energy anymore.
I did have to post this though. It is pretty absurd and took a lot out of me yesterday.
Yesterday, my 14 year-old daughter was at my ex's. She was planning what she would wear for a party that night at her girlfriends house. It was her girlfriend's birthday.
My daughter was talking with OW. They were in the kitchen alone. OW slipped my daughter (14 years old) a wine cooler and placed it in her purse.
My daughter was smart enough to know that was wrong and came home to me and told me the story.
This is what we are dealing with. I have worked all my life to raise my kids in a certain manner. To know right from wrong. Obviously, OW never was taught this. I am very thankful my daughter knew to come to me. I thank God for this. However, I have to admit that after this stunt I am about through.
Trusting,
I can just imagine what went through your head on this antic. What the h@ll was that woman thinking of? Giving an under aged person such a thing...that's enough to get herself toss in jail for providing alcohol to a minor. I could just smack that woman silly.
Do they ever grow up?
Thanks for posting Snodderly.
That stunt really through me emotionally.
Ex dropped the kids off this evening.
I was washing off the driveway.
I saw nothing but destain in his eyes.
He was cold, blunt, and could'nt wait to get away from me.
He knew what she had done and was waiting to see if you were going to confront him about it. Bide your time....you will get your opportunity to share your knowledge w/him.
T, they all act like this when they've been caught w/their hand in the cookie jar and just know that "mom" is going to talk to them about their misbehavior.
Don't worry about his attitude...it sucks and he'll get over it. You continue doing what you've been doing because it's not about you at all.
Such a good reminder Snodderly.. it isn't about us. So strange really.
I agree w/you Snodderly that they see us as parents.
Mine definitely sees me as his mother.
He hated his mother.
Not a good sign for me.
Ex called me last Friday to ask for tax stuff.
He seemed oh so sad.
Gearing up to be alone for this July 4th weekend.
I hate this Holiday stuff.
ah thanks for the reminder trusting!! It is the d** holiday. Why don't you jump on airtran and come see me!!! (and your aunt!!)
I am so tired of carrying this.. aren't you?
Imagine how they feel, Cagz......
It has got to be Hell
my x must be in the depressed withdrawal phase....and he looks horrible...just for trusting and cagz my timeline is close to yours ...bomb 2005, d oct 2008, still had financial messed up through 3/09--- now done...he is angry and distant, doesnt repsond to any emails which are very few....and acts like I am not alive...oh well leave him with God...they are so off...he did all of this...and why arent they happy thye got what they wanted...so weird
Grace,
Same here. We are in the same spot. Mine acts a lot like yours. After 25 years of knowing each other I am invisible. I find that amazing.
We give them everything they want, i.e. divorce, OW, freedom, no resposibilities and they are pathetic. What next.
Such a waiting game
I think in this phase they begin to think
I sense it
they are aware of their choices
the mess they created
and the OW is all they got from it all and she is Not what they thought
maybe they float in and out of denial
it must be such a large dose of reality to take all at once
peace
Trusting - i think that whenever they come to any thought that could be real they immediately push it out! AND DO whatever they can to stop the thought.. drink, sleep, work, sex..all of it.
It is a waiting game.. just wondering if he will EVER feel teh TRUE affects of what he has done...
It has been such a blessing find you guys here -- our time lines are so very very close.... and knowing you has made me feel like I am not a fool.
Wow trusting a wine cooler. I would have had to hold myself back or I would have marched over to ow's and gave her a piece of my mind. What was she thinking. What an idiot, but makes you wonder how she was raised.
Trusting, Do you see a bit of comedy in this? I mean, OW thinks she is being cool. Your D sees her as a pathetic loser.
I mean, I would just laugh it off. They want you to rise in mommy fury and just laughing is not the reaction they would expect.
Forward, Yes, it is something to watch in amazement.
Ml'ers and Ow eventually show their true colors.
Something happened to me today that caused me to laugh hysterically on my way to work. Ex texted me this message: "I have a problem, and I need it fixed". I called him and said, "Ex, I realize you have problems, but you have to help yourself, I can't help you." He said, "not that, I can't figure out my taxes". He needed to know if I had claimed my son or not. His return kept getting rejected. I could not stop laughing. The more I laughed the madder ex got. You know what, I didn't care. It was damn funny. We talked for about 20 minutes and the conversation went rather well after that.
Trusting, I am glad. Doesn't it feel good to not be the mom?
Ex called me on his cell tonight to continue to talk about his taxes. As if I care, oh well. I just showed sympathy. Anyway, he left his house to call me away from OW. Oh, I guess I am the girlfriend tonight. I hope OW finds out.
yeah -- u'd think the old dog would come up with new tricks.
Seems as though the Bible is right on "there is nothing new under the sun...."
hope u are ok today my friend.
Trusting, you have quite a novel here. I am glad that you have a sense of humor about things now.
Another milestone gone.
July 5 was ex's birthday.
I had to pick the kids up in the afternoon.
Ex and OW were in the house.
She was making ex dessert.
Painful
Kids stated that he spent a lot of time riding his motorcycle alone.
I was happy to have all the wonderful memories of his birthday's gone by
It's obvious he is miserable but is STUCK! Of course OW is going to try so hard to make it normal for him..She is not feeling what he is feeling inside. But she knows deep inside what he feels!
Why would he be alone on his bike..thinking..suffering.
I need advice.
ex called me at work.
Furious is an understatement.
He was very threatening, abusive, irrational, blaming.
I can't even begin to tell you all the things he said. He called me a bad person, terrible mother evil, etc.....
It was bad.
He told me he is taking me back to court to take the kids away from me as well as lower the child support payment.
He said the court date is in Oct. (I don't think I believe him)
He can't buy a house because of me.
He can't have fun anymore because of me.
He said he is getting my child support dropped down 2000.00
He scared me.
He said if I don't sign the papers agreeing to this drop he will make my life miserable forever.
He wants more furniture (divorce has been done for 2 years)
He said he has to borrow money from his dad.
All this shook me up sooooo much.
I was not expecting it.
He was so ugly and abusive.
He also said he knows how to get my kids to hate me.
trusting.. emailing you right now.. call me!!!
COUKOO!!!
Ok so I don't know a lot about your sitch but I think that it's safe to say that your ex is more angry at himself then he is at you. I guess the life he envisioned isn't quite the life he got huh?
Anyway, the first thing you need to do is to get a grip. First off there is noway he can get your kids to hate you. Chances are, your kids (especially the older ones) have already formed their own opinion and pretty much know what really happened and who is responsible for what. Why would you let a crazy person who has already shown himself to be a liar and a cheat upset you like this?
Just cover your bases. Ideally if you could tape his calls, or better yet keep things to e-mail just in case it should go to court, it would be clear to anyone that he is not rational. Besides, CS is calculated based on a certain percentage. He can't just pick a figure out of the air and tell you that he's having it cut by that much. Jeez, your divorce papers are not even cold yet,so unless his salary has radically changed, I just don't see it!
CHILL
DS
trusting---
He is having a relapse....wow...can anyone say projection!
Also - remember....the anger....it is not the opposite of love..indifference is...he is facing what he has done ....or should i say....he cant face it yet.....and he is stil blaming u
going through this u cant believe the blame and the never ending blame.....and it is so hard to deal with.....but u must just know he is talking nonsense....best thing to do i am thinking but i know u have to be on guard not to get sucked in is say....oh im sorry u feel that way....i have to do so and so and lets touch base a little later...so i can understand your feelings.....ok...maybe not that last past...
truthfully i am waiting for this....my x is not even talking to me or responding if i have to send an email...which is rare.....so I am thinking he is fuming....and anyday now the anger is going to go off....
trusting it is the saddest thing what happens to these men.....and for us...we are going who is this man....
just pray for him and surrender him to God...
what he is saying makes no sense...but as you know protect yourself in case.....
these men are pathetic
What everyone is saying.
He is blaming you for his problems.
Hang up if he threatens you.
Thank You all so much.
I needed to hear from rational people.
It was just too much and not expected.
He was scary.
I have calmed down.
I am thinking clearly now.
Thank you all so much
I kind of thought he was past this.
I know what you mean about thinking they would be past this...I mean please.......THEY SHOULD BE PAST THIS....LOL
BUT....ITS GOOD YOU SHARED THIS....THOSE OF US WHO HAVE DEALT WITH MEAN AND ANGRY.....AND THEN DISTANT AND QUEIT......IT IS A GOOD REMINDER FOR US ALL TO KEEP OUR GUARD UP AND NOT GET SUCKED IN......
mine is so distant now.....BUT I HAVE A FEELING ITS BOLING BENEATH THE SURFACE.....based on how this whole thing as gone
Trusting, When they are spewing, it is hard to be kind. I think it is especially hard for women because it is so threatening.
Try to ignore. If your divorce is final, he is not going to get more furniture, and if he's broke, well then, not too smart to waste money on legal stuff.
You seem so much in the boat I am--we are cast as the Mommy figure and they are the rebel teenage boys. I am trying to get out of that role and I think the best way to do it is to stay far away.
Grace and forward,
Thank you for your comments. I really needed to hear from friends who understand the "very scary" part of the MLC. I don't really scare that easy, but I did yesterday.
I am going to leave him alone for a while now. No answering calls or texts or emails. If he wants to take me back to court than let him.
I have to stand up to his bullying. Seems like his only concern is money. It is amazing how they blame their life on us. My son informed me that ex is now aware of my European friend. Maybe this is a reason for some of the anger... who knows.
Trusting,
It is verbal abuse, and most of us encountered it. I'm sorry he scared you. I relate as H's verbal abuse was very bad at the height of this.
He hasn't spewed for a while; may be due. I imagine that he will spew again during D proceedings.
They get very weird during the divorce proceedings.
Mine detached big time. His emotions went from crying to spewing, to being very depressed.
They lie, lie , and lie in court.
My mouth hung open most of the time it was so bad.
He made himself look like a wealthy entrepreneur who was full of integrity. ---puke.
I had some hope that he wouldn't actually do it, passive as he is, but it seems that he will.
You never know what they will do. Always drama....,.
That is what they feed off of
your XH anger may be due to your european friend
I think our X know when the focus and energy has been shifted from them to another..they dont like it
I believe they expected us to wait forever and we would not have another R
My XH seems somewhat like yours
he seems to be unhappy and wanting to blame me, but he never says anything
he shows by his actions his constant moodiness, withdrawl then sometimes normal
and I believe he knows my interest is now somewhere else and doesnt like it
peace
People in mlc expect us to be right where they left us when they entered their little private crisis mode. They want to live the life of riley and yet, be able to lash out at "mommy" or "daddy" whenever they feel like it. They don't want us to move on to someone else. We are their possession in their eyes.
Trusting, your xh is lashing out because of the money, but more so because of your friend. Let him simmer in his pot for a while. They all do this when they feel that their control has been threatened and someone else is stepping into their territory. They never stop to consider what they've done in the mix.
Unless I'm really off base, I don't think he'll take you to court. Also, his comment about he furniture....well he got exactly what he wanted and he had better pull out the divorce decree and read it again. He doesn't get any thing else unless you so desire to give it to him out of the goodness of your heart. He's just being a brat....let him be. Continue living your life and enjoying your time w/your children.
Your h is actually getting a very good taste of reality and he doesn't like it.
Interesting comments. I am also inclined to believe, Trusting, that he would not take you to court: that would require money and if your divorce is finalized, he's going to have a hard time.
Trusting, One thing I was thinking about from your sig, too, is that your H moved very quickly with his impulsive OW decision. Bomb to D was quick.
My theory is that the ones who move fastest crash hardest. I'd kind of like to believe that they may have a better chance to recovering. Reality intrudes more quickly and more severely.
My H has been slow but not wavering.
Trusting,
there is a website that is banned from being mentioned here that would help you alot. It has a specific mention of the evil spewing coming for a second time.
If you can imagine an old poster here,,,,good info, own website...?
Got it? Will help so much.
Thanks so much Holly. I need all the help I can get. It was soooo bad and caught me soooo off guard.
My family members want me to file a restraining order. They are worried about my safety.
I think I will give that time and see if he cools down or continues the threatening.
Snod. - thank you for your comments. They helped a lot.
The lashing out continues, what a surprise.
He called my daughter yesterday and asked questions about my European friend. He asked daughter to live with him "due to mom having another man in her life". Can you believe that?
This is all is too much. Anyway, he told daughter that mom is playing games trying to make him jealous. He even said to my daughter that "your mom still loves me you know and she needs to move on".
This just reinforce the need for me to no contact. Of course he also complained to daughter that I am taking all his money and he is living on nothing.
More acting out.......
OW called the house to find out when she could take my daughter out for her birthday. Daughter answered. This is getting absurd.
Trusting,
Do not show any reaction to their childish behavior. They both thought you should be sitting at home on your thumbs and not getting on w/life. Your xh wanted you to stay right where you where when he left and would be there at his beck and call. The ow wanted you so damn miserable she would look like the beauty queen.
When they realize that they can't get to you, they'll stop the stupid nonsense. Continue to be yourself. They are so damn childish it isn't funny.
little do they know.....if we didnt have such strong beliefs in marriage , the covenant, what the horrible divorces do to our children...we would gladly move on.....it isnt even so much them ...and certainly not who they are NOW....THAT keeps one willing to reconcile...in my mind once u get to a point where you have dealt with the hurt....and betrayal....and while you still have sadness.....if it was all ABOUT US and how we love them and cant move on....heres the facts.......if i could really in my heart believe that it didnt matter what choice we made ...i wouldnt take him back on a bet....BuT WHEN U READ THE BIBLE and understand what God says aout Divorce you ask for the grace to deal with it...not so much for us anymore....we just are educated and want to live an obident life......we also know that statics show that another partner doesnt change the things that matter to our core...so switching partners in the long run people are not happier....( is life all about being happy anyway another point if i could really believe we are here just to be happy.....i would gladly...move on...take people up on all those people they say would appreciate me.....and with Children....its never over anyway....so its not really about whether or not we would move on.....please once your healthy, the bleeding stops and the heart as some scar tissue ....you would love to tell them to take a hike and never look back....but when trying to live in a throw away society, where families are disposable, where divorce is rampant....where studies show the divorcer is not usually happier after they did the dirty deed.....divorce and wreck havic on all the affected lives.....but they can still point our way and continue to place blame......just so unbelievable this whole thing is ..it makes no sense to the logical mind
yeah just keep detaching......its really a sad state of affairs these men are in....gosh darn they wanted the divorce so bad...why dont they move on......WELL INTERESTING ....THEY DONT STILL BLAMING AND STUCK......I THINK THE WORLD NEEDS TO HAVE A MLC ON A TV SPECIAL...no one has a clue until they have lived this side of it
SO I LOVE IT THEY TEACH THE KIDS TO GET DIVORCED AND MOVE ON.....BUT MAKE SURE THEY BLAME US...THESE POOR KIDS...IT BREAKS MY HEART WE HAVE MADE THIS THEIR LIFE
OK HANG IN THERE...JUST SPARKED A VENT IN ME...God love us ! and protect us.....
Trusting, I'm not going to defend the spewing, but Iet's consider how he is probably feeling.
He doesn't like OW.
He is broke.
He knows you know he is not happy.
He doesn't want you to be right, but probably realizes that you are.
He probably questions his decision to divorce.
You have the chance to move on and be happy.
He's a man, and someone is moving in on his ex-wife and he has to confront that for the first time.
Jealous.
Sad.
Confused.
Lost.
Scared.
Forward,
That is a wonderful way of putting his life in perspective.
I do appreciate the simplicity of your last post.
Trusting, you had a glimpse into his unhappiness.
H has not really given me a peek into his situation w/OW, which makes me wonder if perhaps they will get married.
I have had very limited takes into that Jerry Springer world.
It is an ugly world.......
T- I am very proud of you for stepping back and seeing this for what it is. Great advice on here from so many.
Keep going friend- keep going. So so very proud of you!!
email me that unnamed website..curiosity has me.
Ex has asked for adjustment in child support due to son turning 18. I expected it. Court date is set for October 29, 09. Long way off but it still makes me nervous. I can handle a little bit of an adjustment. Ex is trying to reduce it by 1800 claiming the economy has affected his income. He has not hired an attorney. He just petitioned the court.
I know my attorney had told me, when child support ends supposal can go up...but i noticed my xs lawyer put in our papers I could not ask for an adjustment in spousal when child support ends....humm i didnt see that and dont recall my wonderful attorney pointing it out.....and to think there i was trying to figure out his budget...if he could make it and still pay me....OH wow.....so see if u have something in your papers like that....well good he didnt hire a lawyer....he is going to have to show proof....and also if he is living with his ow SEE IF THAT MATTERS....i for some reason remember my attorney asking that not form the moral perspecitive but finances and especially if he is supporting her....but seems like if she works too...hope he going to help you son with college
T
It must be difficult for the mlcer
their world is so crazy
My xh is somewhat like yours
he is in a whirlwind..
then the new man enters the picture
mine doesnt know about my off again on again R
but he does know the focus is no longer on him
I agree with the others
they thought we would wait unmoved forever
maybe time stnds still for them
it is sad
especially for the mlcer and the kids
seems we all do find our way and it is better than before
I miss the old H
I dont see much of that man anymore
they seem to get so much worse as they travel the tunnel
peace
jeez' peace you said it so well. they do seem to get worse - or more distant. and yes i think you are right. Trustings x just keeps thinking she is her old self.. but she is a strong vibrant woman now!!
T- i don't know about ur state, just mine. he will have to "prove" the lower income and if you lived here it would have to be a SIGNIGANT (sp??) change.
Something I have been working on is this... remember WHO your true PROVIDER is ok? i know I know I know how hard it is. Just try and remember that HE promises to not leave us or forsake us. HE promises to provide our needs.. and I BELIEVE He will!!
Decided to cut off all contact with ex due to his last abusive explosion.
Yesterday he called me 4 times.
So far today he knocked at my door at 9 am and called me at noon.
I can't play the game anymore. I don't want drama anymore. I need him to leave me alone.
my counselor would advise you to do teh same.
you are using wisdom.
Went to pick up my kids at ex's. He met me at the car. He said, "when can we meet so we can settle the child support". I said, "I am not", I'll see you on Oct. 29." He is trying to get me to sign a paper saying that I will lower the child support 1800 dollars. How stupid does he think I am? I am about done.
He tries to be so manipulating. When I am with the kids he does not swear at me, yell, threaten, etc..... When I am alone watch out.
Trusting,
You did well w/that conversation. He is trying to beat you down with the behavior, hoping against hope, that you'll finally throw your hands up and say "enough, I'll sign the paper". He obviously doesn't know you very well because you are standing your ground. Good for you!
Trusting, The verbal abuse is scary and I think you are doing the right thing by holding your ground.
T
Yes you are doing well
Be grateful, your X choses NOT tyo swear with the kids there
Mine cant stop himself at this point
I guess the upcoming possible M of my x and OW has gotten him crazier
hang in
one day we will all look back, and be grateful for the numerous gifts we have received from out journey
and
hopefully our X's will have turned a corner for their own highest growth
peave
i just posted this on sleeps thread....but i heard a pastor talking last weke on the radio...and he summed up sin this way thought it was a good size up of sin
SIN - TAKES YOU FARTHER THAN YOU WANTED TO GO
SIN- HOLDS YOU LONGER THAN YOU WANTED TO STAY
SIN - COST YOU MORE THAN YOU WANTED TO PAY
YOUR HUSBAND IS EXPERIENCING THE BITE OF TEMPTATION...THAT CANDY COATED APPLE WAS POSION INSIDE AND HE IS NOT TO HAPPY...... SO VERY SAD ....AND WHAT ONE PERSONS SIN DOES TO OTHERS....ITS PRETTY DEVASTING...
Trusting, I think I would send a followup text saying that you will not speak with him if he is going to rant and rave at you. Then he cannot say you are being mean ol Trusting.
I say this because I think that it would be the best stance for me to take with H's temper tantrums.
That or to hand him a pacifier.
Thanks guys for your support. It has been a very rough week for me. Ex called my daughter this morning to take her to an air show. This is not his day or week, but he will try to push my buttons because I did not sign the papers. Fortunately, we had plans and she told him so. One of his threats was that he will make my life miserable since I did not sign the papers...... He is trying.
Trusting - ANY and I mean ANY threats etc document. You know this part... watch out for you.. Even if he sends you TEXT that are threatenign.. SAVE THEM !! WHY??? TO protect yourself.
sorry things have gotten so terrible..i really mean it.. i am so very sorry.
t
Our spouses are aloke in some ways
They both still have original ow
MY x is spewing more than before
I guess they are not happy
sad thibg is thye still put the blame on us
as if we ever did anything wrong
all this hard work and change have gone unnoticed by the mlcer
as they are so absorbed with themselves repalying and living out their childhood and getting nowhere but further down
thanks grace that was a great post
peace
My ex's anger and hate is at an extreme. I am actually afraid of him. I guess that tells me a lot. However, I have decided that I will not tolerate disrespect, abuse or inappropriate raging any longer. If that means going absolutely no contact, than so be it.
sad thibg is thye still put the blame on us
This is so true. When my STBXH finally hits rock bottom I'm fully expecting him to blame me for the fact that OW got pregnant
yeah --- the blame part is really weird --
and all their twisted thinking --- u still go - who r u??? in your head .....
its seeing the work of the deceiver right beofre our eyes...
side note : my x is still with ow - bomb 2005 - she was hiddend for a long time --- at first i thought she was this drop dead georgeous thing....then i met her...and was in shock --that i was left for her --- not so pretty --- seemed very plain and very very skinny...no figure skinny....and now im like wow they are still together and u think back on what u thought u had with this person......so weird....
so much for the average affair 6- 18 months --- do u remember thiking you couldnt out last that??? I do now im like ...thats nothing...and then I look at others...6, 7, 8 years later still the same.....make me pray : Lord show me your way...your will --
Grace,
I love your sayings about sin. I want so much to send that to ex.
Maybe one day I will.
Yeah, about OW, they affair so low. Mine is a blonde bimbo, no common sense, spends like crazy, but fairly cute.
I never thought they would still be together also. They fight like crazy. My ex won't even let her live with him....... He is caught between a rock and a hard place. He is too proud to admit he is wrong, may never happen.
Official Bimbo of my x's was truly a gold digger..but she wasnt super ugly HA!! however she was a tall one 5'10" (I am 5'4") big nose and such. me?? i am gorgeous!! lol
I again go back to my thoguhts..we read the board we hope to be the one who is SAVED from this hell. Follow the steps and they will come back. But I believe it is FOLLOW the steps and SURVEY the hell.. There is no game plan or strategy. They have to figure this junk out on thier own.. and this stinks.
Trusting... you are "da bomb!"
I think they keep the OW because:
a) pride
b) they have not yet come in synch with reality. The longer it takes to learn about reality, the longer they need OW around.
c) makes them feel good to have the admiration
d) they are too lazy to get rid of her and it is kind of like extracting a tooth.
If OW is fairly decent, I think things drag on for years and then eventually decline. Co-worker told me about her H's A--took 10 years but things are pretty disillusioned at the moment.
i THINK some of them stay with the OW b/c they think it is really love
My X is M ow this weekend( I m pretty sure its true)
I wonder- why get M again?
makes no sense
But I guess it does to them
maybe it validates their adulterous R
or justifies their actions of abandoning their kids
maybe there is no thought at all..its all primal
peace
I think I would add in anger at LBS as one thing, too.
It is their way of getting back at us sometimes.
If they admit they are not happy, they feel one-down with us.
I read a book titled "My Husband's Affair was the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me."
I'm on the author's mailing list and just got this today. It's written by her husband (they are back together).
I hope you don't mind me posting it. I thought it might be helpful:
The question I am often asked is “Why were you willing to throw away your marriage and family, of 18 years, for the other woman?” or “Why were you willing to risk everything you had for this other person?” Like most of the questions that we, as the unfaithful, are asked, the answer is not a simple one, but rather a culmination of many factors that need to be looked at collectively. If this is not done, there is a level of contempt held by the betrayed spouse towards the unfaithful, as well as a level of inferiority held by the unfaithful towards one’s self. It will be much more difficult for healing to take place in this environment.
Here are six factors that play out in many people’s situations that will give an understanding into answering these questions. The factors are given in a chronological sequence, but they don’t always follow in order.
1. We didn’t believe that the affair would ever get this far. We thought we would be able to end the relationship at any time (it was not and would not be an affair); our involvement was not as serious as we thought.
2. We were not thinking about the consequences. We lived only in the moment and avoided thinking about the future. We didn’t think this would be found out. We didn’t allow our self to think about how our actions would affect those around us, we were only concerned with what is in it for me. Our fantasy did not include our reality.
3. We would enter our affair box. Many of us are able, for a period of time, to separate our fantasy (affair, emotional or sexual) life from our real everyday life. We are able, more so for men than women, to compartmentalize our two lives, and function adequately in both.
4. We do not want to face the pain, hurt, anger or disappointment. We do not want to face the anger or pain or hurt we will cause in our spouse. We do not want to deal with the pain of how we have acted out of character for our self. We do not want to face up to fact that we have disappointed our spouse, our children, our family, our friends, and our community around us and even disappointed the person we see in the mirror.
5. We hope the affair will end on it’s own. There are many affairs that continue on for extended periods of time because even though one person knows that what they are doing is wrong and harmful to their marriage, they don’t have the nerve, balls or courage to end it. We are expecting the other to do the ‘right’ thing. We hope that ‘we’ mutually decide to end it. We can’t see that we are either using the other person or they are using us.
6. Emotions over rational thinking. The power of emotion, excitement and secrecy has a greater influence in a person’s life than that of logic or rational thinking. The chemical reaction in our brains cloud out reason, sensibility, or sound judgment, thus hindering us from healthy, productive and sane decisions.
Finally, there are those who don’t care about who, how or what their actions affect, they are those who are willing to give up on their own marriage just satisfy their selfish desires. These are the ones whom are not willing to reconcile their marriage or even look at why this happened. The above issues are not really applicable to those individuals.
I think those in MLC are not able to follow the 6 factors. I think they are in denial and just full of their own selfish desires and wants.
Yes, MLC is certainly a somewhat different animal and I think they are probably following #2 and #6 more than the other factors.
I for one think my SBTXH falls into the very final category (after 6). Not once has he stopped to look back at the destruction. In fact he keeps on destroying. His recent announcement of OWs pregnancy proves all that. I'm told my D14 became hysterical when he told her. I'm told he unexpectedly cried at this outburst. I'd like to think it was b/c he was upset that she was so hurt but I'm more inclined to think that he was upset b/c she wasn't happy for him.
Silver Fox,
Thank you for those comments. I think my ex fits into all of them. Quite sad isn't it. I think the ML'ers deep seeded issues prevent them from seeing anything clearly.
My ex I believe thought I would eventually betray him. He had to betray me before I betrayed him.
He was terrified of divorce. He followed a self-fulfilling prophecy. He always thought I would divorce him. He made it happen by the affair and all the abuse.
ACJ,
My heart goes out to your child. He is an idiot.
I know whenever I see something that makes so much sense or so interesting to help explaing this madness or warn against it - i get those thoughts..I should send this to my X -- UGHHH like reading what silver fox posted about the H who had the affair wrote about their thinking...that is intersting....
My ex I believe thought I would eventually betray him. He had to betray me before I betrayed him.
I've never thought of this before but now that I have I think my H might have believed the same.
Hi,
I think I have a little insight into how or why affairs can last so long.
My X told his sister that she does not understand that he can not have a failed marriage AND a failed relationship.
That is amazingly understandable, in a twisted sort of way.
Yeah, Holly, I can see that.....
same here, I believe my ex will put up with a really crappy relationship rather than admit fault.
Trusting and Holly, my x said those VERY words to me last summer about bimbo. He said "CAGZMOM I am trying to make THIS relationship work.." I said something like "WOW how big of you.. you bailed on a 20 year relationship in what seemed like a day, but this one you are going to work on this one..." (AND I know that wasn't what i was suppose to do.. it was over a year ago guys!!)
Who knows why. I just know it hurts. All of it hurt.
Mine will even admit he is miserable with her. He has told me multiple times that they fight constantly and she fights vicious. She has even called the police on him for domestic violence. Ex and I hardly ever fought except for when his crisis started. He would purposely fight with me.
One of the very first things my H told me about his R with OW was that they fought "like cats and dogs". I remember asking perhaps that's what he enjoyed? Maybe he was bored with me? (we did not fight like that) No, he says, it's not pretty.
Curious.
i have witnessed my h fight over the phone with psycho ow. i have never ever heard him scream like that and we never ever fought. he told our friends last year, when he admitted to having the affair, that they fought often and it got ugly.
how interesting we all have the same story...
We didn't fight much, either, until I started to get the spew and knew something was wrong.
In retrospect, I wish there had been a middle ground. I think we needed to fight some. H had some real dramatics and I think if I had been more open, there would have been less need for them.
Trusting, I found it interesting that your H admitted that he was unhappy w/OW. I believe that if he could say that to you, he may wind up saying more at some point. Just be kind.
Big sad news to report tonight.
My ex's father and stepmother were in a motorcycle accident at 2 p.m. in the Ozarks.
They went with 2 other couples. My ex's father lost control of the bike and hit a truck head on in oncoming traffic. My ex's stepmother was killed instantly and his father is in critical condition. He has internal bleeding and so far had his spleen removed and his colon.
Ex and OW are driving on there way up.
Ex's father may or may not make it. Ex and I have been communicating the whole night with OW in the car.
My children have lost another grandmother. Please pray for them.
My inlaws were pretty horrible to me when all this came down. I don't know what to feel or how to feel about everything. I am numb. We had not spoken in 3 years. They had welcomed OW with open arms.
T
Im so sorry to hear about the accident
I will send out prayers for your family
peace
T- that is horrible. And more loss for your x. Though he has been a creep to you I do feel very bad. That is so sad. So sad.
The loss for you too has got to come with many feelings and thoughts. Email me if you need me.
Your friend-
Cagzmom
Trusting - Oh wow - My heart goes out to you! Prayers for you and your family !
Trusting,
I am so sorry to read about the accident this evening. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. I understand how you feel about the rift that was brought about because of your xh's behavior, etc.
Please take care of yourself and I think it's very nice of you to be there for your xh after all that he's done. Your behavior just proves what a classy lady that you are.
{{{Trusting}}}
I am so sorry about your family situation.
And as far as how you feel--I understand that it would bring a whole host of emotions to the surface.
Please take care of yourself and, as much as you can, X and your children.
Trusting I echo everyone else's thoughts. I find it interesting that at his one hour of need it was really you he turned to for comfort. I think OW was only a part of it b/c she believes it is her right to be involved in these parts of your Hs life and he would have been too distraught to say otherwise.
((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you everyone for your support. I love you guys. It was determined that ex's father was not paying attention for a split second and drifted into the other lane. Weather conditons nor alcohol were in play. I can't imagine he will ever emotionally get over this.
Ex has my son call me for updates. OW won't allow him to call me is my guess.
That is so sad.
I am really glad that you are being kept in the loop. X's father had hip surgery recently, there were complications and he wasn't well... I did NOT find out from my x. AND it is a STRANGE feeling being on the OUTSIDE of what was my life...
You are amazing T.
Hugs --
Update on my sitch.
Funeral for my ex mother in law is Sunday. Father in law in bad shape emotionally and physically, but will survive.
Ex called me today wanting to talk about the whole thing, very tragic. He was more like the old ex, but somewhat manipulative regarding lowering child support due to one of my children turning 18 again. I just told him I would not discuss this issue with him anymore. He was understandably upset and devastated about the loss of his step-mom. He had to view the body today and decide if it should be open or closed casket. Lots of tears and choking up. I guess he forgot he cussed me out majorly last week and told me he hated me.
T, What a terrible situation. Sending you good energy.
Trusting,
I am very sorry the loss of your xmil. It has to be a shock to everyone that this happened so quickly and unexpectedly. I'm sure your xfil is at a loss right now.
As for your xh, this is not the time or place to be discussing child support and you did the right thing by advising him that you will not discuss it.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time.
The rollercoaster of all of this!
Dont you think T when they call and are crying etc. that there is some level of sincerity? BUT THEN the underlying motive is truly manipulation??!! I mean really HE HAS THE BALLS to bring up the child support issue when talking about the death??!!
My x did something similar. It wasn't his stepparent but someone close to him had died. he was TRULY sad. AND the same time he the child support enforcement started their thing... He cried when he told me about the death -- and in the same breath brought that up. TWISTED really.
I am sorry about teh funeral. I hate ALL of this for you!! The fact that we NEED any child support and that it is the RIGHT thing. IT IS JUST frustrating!!
DIVORCE SUCKS! I don't care who you are - what your situation. It sucks (oops i guess i vented on your board a little bit!)
Thank you all for your posts.
I need help. Do I or do I not go to the funeral?
OW and her family will be there.
My youngest (4) will not be going.
My 15 and 18 will be going of course, but they are ok with me not making an appearance and understand completely. In fact, they want to avoid all the uncomfortableness with OW there.
But........
I think one question I would have is how you feel. Do you need the funeral yourself, for closure? If so, go and ignore OW.
If you think you would regret not going, some years down the line, then go.
i agree with forward -- it depends on your situation.....i guess my thoughts are act like OW doesnt exsist when making your decision, and you are divorced from your H -- would you go then....I say dont let her be the determining factor...we always hear -- this whole thing isnt really about them...i dont know just a thought....
I know this doesnt matter in your decision, mostly just curious, is this step Mom --- was she an OW herself with your H Dad?
Trusting,
I too face that problem in the future. Here is the plan I came up with.
You can contact the funeral home and request an after hours final good bye. I hear it is done all the time.
That way it is about you.
And you get to avoid any uncomfortable situation.
I will be honest,I am not sure if I will do this or not. But I thought I would throw it out there as an option.
It is done ALL the time.
I agree with Holly.
However, I too would want to go. She is someone that was part of your life as well.
In this situation T it is all about you. I think I would go - knowing that there would be heavy saddness after the fact. BUT that too is kinda dumb.
Jeez' ok I think I would take Holly's advise on this one. BUT IN THE END do what is totally best for you.
Ex called my work again wanting to give me an update about how his dad is doing. He is so sad and tired and exhausted. He said his dad is not holding up well. We talked for a while. I was very consoling and tried to show a lot of sympathy. No mention of finances this time.
It's an awful situation to be facing.
I think the idea of an after-hours goodbye is a good one.
Well, I decided not to go to the funeral.
Ex caught word of it and decided not to pick my 15 year-old up for the funeral in hopes that I would then bring her. Can we say "playing games". My dad stepped in and took my daughter to the funeral. My daughter prior to going to the funeral told her father that she would stay at the funeral until 5 and then she would return home. She decided she did not want to go to the dinner. Well, OW called my daughter ranting and raving that she had a responsibility to go to all of the funeral (can you believe that). My daughter calmly told her that she would not be going to the dinner and she had no say so what she did or did not do. I almost grabbed the phone from my daughter to tell OW off, but refrained. Can we say drama. Anyway, my son informed me that ex was in bad bad shape. He was stressed out to the max and very nervous----I wonder why?
T,
I'm sorry that your children are being treated badly admist all this sadness just in an effort to get at you. Good for your daughter for sticking to her guns.
Take care
Trusting, Well, although OW shouldn't have the say, I am inclined to think that the kids should understand that participation in the events honors their grandmother. I'm not sure if I would make an older child go. I might. But that's what your X should say, not OW.
Your X is under some extremely stressful conditions. His R is not good, he lost a family member, money worries, etc.. So of course he is very very stressed out.
I would not look at this as having anything to do with you. It's not. It is that H has to have OW play a certain role here that is generally reserved for family members, and his R is not good. Also, the stress of losing a family member takes a very long time.
I would expect an explosion from him, just because of where he is right now. At least I would expect it from my H. Just don't assume it's about you. If possible, it might be worth it to say gently "This isn't about me, and I am sorry about all the things that have been happening."
I do hope you had an after-hours goodbye.
Went to pick my daughter up at the funeral. Ex was at my car before it stopped. He had a folder in his hand that I assume was the child support papers he wants me to sign (this is a guess). I rolled the window down a little bit and said my condolences and said, "I'm sorry, I am really in a hurry and I gotta go." He looked stun. I really didn't care. I really did not want to be anywhere near him. Sorry I sound so bitter, this whole thing just sucks and has gotten to me. I really feel that I am totally detached from him. Once I get like this, I am not so sure I want to stand anymore.
Trusting,
I know it's not easy, but do try to have some compassion for the man.
Realize that he is probably feeling pretty desperate.
Thanks forward, I need that reminder. Feelings are so fragile right now. All the loss and devastation. Life is so very fragile in more ways than one.
T
Your feelings are valid
Im glad you did what you needed to for yourself
You have been extremely kind and patient toward XH
YOu were supportive during this recent loss
I dont blame you for not attending
I would not have either
continue to just take care of yourself
I dont thibk it really matters what we do as far as xh are concerned
I mean being cordial and kind is enough
Your XH will continue on the same path no matter what you do
detachment is probably the best and wisest choice
preserve yourself now- he has taken enough
peace
Thanks peace for your support.
No one really has a clue what we go through unless they have experienced MLC or whatever it is.
It is time to protect our survival and peace.
I have expressed to ex how sorry I am for his loss.
Now I am back to going no contact.
Trusting, Sounds about right.
I do hope you do not get an explosion. I would be worried about it, from my H.
I feel an explosion coming. Today he sent me the child support papers to fill out. I have not even opened it yet, and probably won't. Instead of going to court as scheduled, he just wants me to sign a paper with his proposed amt due to son turning 18.
Fat chance......
Stick to your guns T. I have a similar court case pending only mine is about our total finances. We made a legally binding agreement with our Ls last October and since April H has been seeking to get out of it and wants more money. Couldn't understand why at first but then discovered OW was pregnant and as she is due on Christmas Day all the timescales now fall into place. I just hope 24th Sept is a lucky day for me.
Keep strong
So you papers didnt already come with a reduction at 18? Mine sure did and his lawyer even put in there I could not take him back to court for a change of circumstance when child support stopped...of course my lawyer didnt catch that...or didnt tell me that and I read it after......my attorney big waste and i still owe him money...ughhh
Mine was figured that way as well -- in our state our child support states 18 or finishes high school.
T be strong - do what is best for you.
In my state, the person who wants to change the child support has to petition the court. No lawyers really need to be involved. The judge looks at it and lowers the amount in the divorce decree. Ex just wants to set an amt (very very very low) and have me sign it. He is afraid of something. Maybe his income increased, I have no idea.
ACJ,
Praying for you....... It will be a lucky day.
Well I finally opened up ex's proposed child support reduction due to son turning 18. I have two other kids, so it gets reduced from 3 children to 2.
It was a joke, very very low like anticipated.
Court here we come..
Ex kept calling me and leaving messages for me to sign the forms and send them in. I will not return any of his calls.
It is driving him nuts that I won't talk with him.
Trusting,
Stay the course. Of course it's driving him nuts...he's lost control once again. He knows he's screwed up royally and now he can't manipulate and/or control you. Poor little fool.
Take care of yourself.
T,
I'm sure it is ridiculous...but keep in mind that the man has massive problems now.
I'm not saying to agree to what he wants, or even to return his calls. I think you are right to continue to court.
I'm just saying to realize that he lost family members just recently, he's broke, he is not in a good R, and he is under a lot of pressure.
Ex and OW are taking another cruise in a couple of weeks ===
run run run run........
with all that money he doesn't have.........
off to court you go!!!
You can say that again Cagz...
with all that money he doesn't have.........
Does seem to be an MLC trait doesn't it.
Seems to me like your H is expecting you to pay for his trip T by agreeing to reduced maintenance. Just like my H is expecting me to pay for his new baby by trying to take away any benefits I am currently entitled to for D14.
spend spend run run... yep mlc traight. anything but face the truth
you not on here much means you must be living..
hope you are well.
Just got back from a trip of 10 days to Florida.
5 days in disney and then 5 days in Lakeland, Fl getting my son settled at his new college.
It is good to be home.
I need to share something with all of you that has had me laughing for days,
Ex brought bimbo with him also to see son off to college.
We however were very fortunate not to cross paths.
The 4th day ex and bimbo were in Fl, ex got bit in the lip by a bug.
It swelled up to the size of a baseball.
He had to go to ER when the lip started splitting in half and bleeding.
He had to get several shots of some type of medication.
He was bedridden for 3 solid days.
I find humor in this......forgive me.
Oh yeah, I forgot one thing.
When ex found out I was staying 10 days, he changed his trip from 4 days to 10.
T,
I'm so glad you had a good time in Florida. I'm sorry, but I just about fell out of my chair laughing. Karma at it's finest! I guess he won't be mouthing off at anyone for a while. LOL!
I am also sitting here giggling to myself.... how funny!!!!!!
Trusting, Your X seems competitive w/you.
Like most I am laughing at what happened to your X. I'm furious at him for bringing the bimbo BUT I give him credit for the fact that he did actually turn up for the occasion. When my D19 started uni last yr STBXH refused to go on her first day as I was going. She was very hurt by that.
oh my.. i AM laughing!! sorry
glad you didn't have to run into the bimbo.
glad your son is off to a fresh new start....
glad you seem together and not angry...
glad i have met you...
hugs..
You know, Trusting, what would really be interesting is if you DO run into OW...and then you are nice. I think that is a big wakeup call for them.
Since your H now is not happy w/OW, that would be most interesting indeed.
Forward,
Yes, he is very competitive. He always has been. He is very threatened by a strong woman. I have run into OW several times when she has been with ex. Once he brought her to the house even to pick up the kids. When I am nice, he becomes so very angry. He tries to push my buttons, but he has found out it just does not work anymore.
T- won't it be a great day when we can look in the mirror and say... I made it. God gave me strength and I really AM better today then I was even with X. (EVEN if we are WITH them...) does that make sense?
I feel change within me... it is wierd. Just new strength and self confidence that wasn't there before. Just wierd.
I understand this statement. After getting amrried when I was 16 and beiing with the same man for 29 years - he has left me and I am scared to death but know that through this I will grow and discover a whole new side of me. it terrifies me. I do still want him in my life though.
Trusting, I am also a strong woman, grin.
I realize I did not show much of a softer side, either to him or to anyone else. I have tried to open up more. And allow myself to be vulnerable.
Ex called me at work and left a message on how he would like to keep the baby an extra day. Now, the baby is adopted and during the beginning of the mid life crisis he told me about how much he did not want her and what a pain in the grass she would be. So he is definitely singing a different tune. I texted him back (because I am done speaking with him because he is abusive) and told him no, that I had plans with her. He texted me back, "thank you so much for getting back with me". So now he is being unusually nice.........
So now he is being unusually nice.........
or typically sarcastic?
T,
I wouldn't trust him....usually when they are this way, the other shoe is about to drop.
Thanks Snod and ACJ,
I do feel that something is up. Maybe he married the OW or is living with her now. Something is going on. I know they are looking for homes together.
Last night I checked the caller ID and he had called twice.
Something is up...
T something may well be up but from my experience it's better not to go looking for it. I'm sure if he married OW he would have wanted your kids there (if only to ensure that you got to hear all about it). It's probably all to do with the papers he wanted you to sign.
Yes, that is true. He probably has not given up in getting what he wants with the child support.
T,
I would sit back and watch from afar. He will eventually tell you what is on his mind. I suspect he's gotten himself in a pinch money wise and is trying a different approach to getting you to sign the papers.
I seriously doubt he's married the ow. If he had, you would have heard about it by now.
Just know that we are all here for you.
Trusting, You got a glimpse into your X's mind and what came out re. OW was not pretty. It seems it would be surprising if he actually married her.
Then again, some of them are crazy enough to do so.
Ex has my older daughter this weekend. He has not spent time with her for about a month. He had her call me this morning to tell me he would be at my house at about noon to pick up the baby. I told my daughter to tell him that it was not his day with the baby and I had plans with her and friends. He tried calling me back 3 more times but I just let it ring. Tantruming I suppose. I wish he would just leave me alone.
T I'm probably playing amateur detective here and getting it all wrong BUT it seems like your XH suddenly want to spend a lot of time with your youngest D. Given that he is also going on about child maintenance do you think the two are connected?
I only ask b/c this is exactly what happened to me and now it is me who pays him maintenance whilst I get nothing at all from him.
Be careful
Thanks ACJ,
I do not trust his motives whatsoever. He cannot stand little children. This is all an act. I will not give in.
T,
I don't blame you one bit. I find it quite odd that he wants to spend time w/the little one and yet he's wanting to have you sign some papers about the support. It's almost like he figures if he spends more time w/the child and can prove he's doing it, the less he'll have to pay. Call me crazy, but their minds do work in strange ways.
Snod,
I agree his mind has not worked right for ages.
Tell me, do they ever become trustworthy again?
It takes a long, long time to get to being trustworthy. Usually it occurs after the crisis is completely over and they've healed completely. The work then is for them to prove to you that you can trust them.
My xh has been gone for 10 years and still hasn't grown up. He's stuck and hasn't moved an inch in about 5 years. He's playing the game of being nice and sent me birthday greetings this year exactly on the proper date....guess what! He wanted something...he wanted all of the photos that we had taken on all our overseas trips, which he told everyone we never did anything, to display them on the internet. Told him he should have thought about them during the discussion of the separation of belongings. His worries back then were 72 pieces of frozen chicken and not the things of importance. I just wanted to share w/you how they can actually want to be nice and do something productive, but they have an ulterior motive in the mix.
I've gotten way off the topic. I've seen a number of spouses go through this and once they've healed, you couldn't ask for better people. The question will be at the end of the road...will you be able to trust him again?
Snodderly.....Exactly.....
I'm learning that as well....my H....or whatever he is at this point in my life.ALWAYS has a motive.....just like when I was gone with my mom out of town, he knew that was perfect time for him to go in and take some stuff out of the house....then he fixed the brakes in my car....there's always a calm before the storm....I'm living it....
But I'm doing better....I'm learning to live again....
Thanks for all that input.
I was reading in the tub this morning and came across this. It describes my ex perfectly.
SYNDROME OF THE MAN WHO HAS ARRIVED AND DISCOVERED HE IS NOWHERE
He has achieved his goals and finds they are not what he had anticipated. He suffers the disillusionment of promises that petered out-the payoff with the kickback! He has all the things money can buy and finds decreasing satisfaction in all he has. He is satiated and unsatisfied. He has a pot full of nothing. He is in the land of ulcers and cardiacs, alcoholism, divorce and suicide! He suffers from the neurosis of emptiness. He is the man who has become a whale of a success downtown and a pathetic failure at home. He is a big shot with the boys in the office and a big phony with the boy at home. He is a status symbol in society and a fake with his family. Destination sickness - the illness peculiar to a culture that is affluent - and godless.
The title should be MLC! It fits them all.
Ex called the house last night. Had questions about schedule. He is trying to convince me to sign the papers lowering child support. He is claiming his income has dropped significantly but he still seems to be traveling like crazy with bimbo and buying toys. We have a court day scheduled at the end of October. I told him in the conversation that I would not sign the papers and I don't trust anything he says. He was quite pleasant because daughter was with him and listening to conversation. I am getting tired of all of this and have lost some serious respect for my Ml'er.
T
It is hard to mot lose respect for the mlcer
and in reality we can not trust a word they saey
they are moody and unpredictable
stay with your plan
if ypu x is still spending , then chances are the money is still there
take care of yourself and your kids
everything is so expensive and they help out so little
dent they realize we are the ones raising these kids
they dont care..and it doesnt seem fair to me
I guess I still have some forgiveness work to do
hang in
peace
T I've said many times that our sitches are scarily similar. Your H is now doing exactly as mine has been for last 12 months. We got our final court order yesterday and his manipulation of the children cost me an extra £10k.
Peace my H continued (and still does) to spend and spend even after he took a massive pay cut (seemingly voluntarily). The money isn't still there as I have seen his accounts due to being in court. The only way it will be is if he has managed to hide it somewhere and not declare it. Debt does not worry these men. They just expect thier Xs to pay for it so they don't have to suffer the consequences.
Trusting, Again....
He's not happy w/OW.
He needs to escape but really can't afford it
He's lost his family
Reality has intruded.
Forward,
Sometimes I just need to hear that.... thanks.
And Trusting--he is desperate.
Trusting - you are right to be gaurded. His timely "niceness" is oh so conviently close to the up and coming court date.
Forward is right -
He is a mess... and you are growing.
Keep going friend...
Not really much to report, ex keeps calling at least once a day. Sometimes I answer, sometimes I don't....
Wait til the court date is over and then answer if you try it.
Hope everyone is surviving this mess.
Ex has stopped calling, all is calm.
He seems to be trying to convince my 15 year-old to move in with him. I will fight him to the end with this if she decides to.
Ex is very lenient with the kids since his MLC.
Kids know this. I am the strict parent.
Ex offers them a lot of freedom.
I will cross this bridge when I get to it.
Trusting, that is because he is cool and hip.
Oh yeah, I forgot he is cool and hip.
He spikes his hair, goes to the tanning salon once a day, dresses like he is 16, and says "far out".
What woman would not want that.....
T, this is exactly what my H did with my kids (except eldest). He won them over. They know deep in thier hearts that their dad is not a nice person at the moment but he is their dad and in my case he was pretty much refusing to see them unless they did as he suggested.
I absolutely hate the man he has become....
He is unrecognizable.
Here I sit on a Sunday on pins and needles waiting for my 2 girls to come home from their dads.
Waiting to see if he will play any games regarding getting them home.
He is evil.
I hear you. Mind keep threatening me with the fact that my son will be able to have input in (he says 3 yrs I think it's 4) and he thinks he will come live with him. Ha. I would love to see him win that battle with all of his crap.
I know, I am the one that does all of the discipline and day to day crap. Then they go over there and play and have fun every other weekend.
BUT, the kids also see that and who actually is there for them all the time. I know that my son knows. He made a comment just the other day that he wouldn't want to live with his dad every day.
Trusting,
He is not evil--he is a psychological mess.
It's a hard place to be in Trusting. Really hard. Most of us understand it. I know I do. Listen, I have had to field questions from my d4 about what she saw happen between her dad and me last Sat. I basically settled on the answer of daddy is not feeling right right now. He is a little sick and needs to get better. She seems to accept that. This is really hard stuff. For all of us. Gotta have ice water in your veins for some of this stuff. Seriously.
SC, That is a good answer.
Yep just as I expected.
My daughter started complaining about how she hates to go back and forth. She said that Dad wants her to permanently live with him and she is considering it. He will give her a car and I won't.
I can see her purposely try to start a big dramatic fight over it. It is as if I have another ML'er here. It is very difficult. I am in tears. She is trying to push my buttons so she can call him to pick her up.
Trusting, The more you resist, the more your D will want to go.
And having a teenager around might be interesting for the midlifer. He will have to be a real parent.
As far as you being more strict--trust your daughter and yourself. You have raised her well and she will make good judgments. Possibly more mature than his.
What I have noticed is that in reading these threads, the teenagers seem to gravitate to the non-MLC parent in the end.
As far as exposing her to OW--too late for that. Maybe it's time for her to see the real-life "healthy relationship" that he has, all the fun day-to-day interactions.
T
I might try to change the subjest and do not even discuss it with my teen
I say this only b/c I have a 14 year old
sometimes she may rant and rave about something that is out of the question
so I listen momentarily if I can with reacting and then excuse myself..no discussion around it
I notice most of the time she will stop
forget
But if your xh leeps bringing it up to her and she keeps reapeating , it will be harder to avoid and let her forget
I would do anything..to not allow my D to live with my xh at this point
he is not stable
so I know you will handle it the best possible way
Im sorry you have to go thru it
I wiah it would end already
my situation remains very unstable as well
my xh like yours appears to continue down his MLC path unreconizable
scary
and I cannot even have a rational coparenting talk with him
it is very hard
we are here with u
peace
Thanks forward and peace,
I will take all the advice I can get.
I want this all too end. I have accepted ex's choices, now I just wish he would let me live my life with my kids.
The more I ignore him, the madder he gets.......
t- do you have a counselor?
i have talked to mine about this day-- the one we all think about. When/if our children say they want to leave and live with them. My c said that if that happens i am to call him - and set up an appointment with him and d13. he is level and not emotionally involved... do you have that option??
your x is an A@@ and I am so sorry he is such a dirtbag slime ball poop!!!
ur x must have forgotten about hormones, and education, and tears, and boys, and everything that goes with raising the kids... RAISING them. its easy to be disney dad.. not easy to be a parent.
oh and the car thing.. here is a thought. DONT stop him from getting her one- think about it. PLAY it back on him. IF he would buy her one if he is livin with him. WE KNOW it is a manipulation ploy.... BUT you could ALWAYS turn it and say.. wow.. that would make it EASIER for you to go to dads and come home....... TURN IT trusting...
T my heart breaks for you. If I remember rightly your son lived with H too. Now that he is away at college your H needs to replace the money I assume he was getting for your son living there (I certainly have to pay my STBXH maintenance for my S17 - while he currently pays nothing for D14). My advice is that your D is old enough to understand this and if necessary old enough to hear the truth if she has to. My STBXH promised my S17 a car as well. Now that he is taking lessons STBHX has backed down saying that he only promised it if they moved too far away from his college, which they haven't. S17 isn't stupid and he knows deep down that a car was never likely especially now he has a baby sister due on Christmas Day.
So far none of this is bringing my S17 home b/c he is behaving in a manner that all teenagers go through. That coupled with a dad in MLC will eventually be a recipe for disaster. He knows I am here waiting for that day and he knows my arms will be open wide when they need to be.
So far daughter is still with me. I talked to her about how all of that makes me feel. I told her it is not an option for her to live with ex, just visit. I told her I would call the police if ex kept her past her visitation schedule and then he would have to take me to court to get the divorce decree changed. I will not sacrifice my daughter for my ex's deep seeded needs. Daughter listened and did not rebel. I hope it sunk in.
Another note, ex texted me 6 times today. Telling me all about his work and the usual stresses. It was odd and really quite inappropriate. I did not respond. He is just looking for a narcissistic feed to suck dry.
T
I think there comes a time to let go --anything I see my xh do at this point would make me feel that same way
he is just too into himself
he was all along, only I supported him in the past during the crises as a way to connect and show him I still cared
No longer a reason for any of that
If spouse needs support they should seek C or can talk to OW
we need to conserve our energy for our new life
peace
Thanks Peace,
I don't want to expel any energy anymore with him. It is not worth it. I am going to concentrate on my goals and nurture the children.
Trusting, I think you have the right idea about taking care of your goals and the kids.
"He is just looking for a narcissistic feed to suck dry."
My guess is that he is also lonely. Think about it: broke, hates OW, all kinds of problems.
It sounds as if it makes sense to not respond.
T read my thread to see how my STBXH is now starting to show his true colours. This will happen eventually with yours too.
Not much to report, ex has been quiet for the last couple of days. I just found out I have hypothyroidism. My doctor blames it on all the stress I have had in the last 3-4 years.
At least there is a little pill I can take and feel o.k.
Kids are doing well. My son in college is thriving and getting good grades. There is a lot to be thankful for.
Thankfulness is a great place to stay!!
I watch your timeline..(better known as your life) through these posting and hope that I get to where you are. You continue to work on just building your own life - amazing.
Glad your son is doing well. So glad that they have a "little pill" to help you with the thyroid.
Out here in the South - always thinking about you!!
I need my friends.
I need support.
It is homecoming this weekend. Ex brought his bimbo to the picture taking time at my daughter's boyfriends home.
I was speechless, but handled myself well. Bimbo was all dolled up because she knew I would be there.
What next guys. I don't know if I can handle this anymore...
Oh, T, I can't imagine how hard that was! Not sure if I've posted to you before, but I remember my Ds homecoming events, and they seemed at the time to be such rites of passage, a special time for them and us. To have OW intrude would be so hard. Did your D give your H permission to do this, or did they just show up?
(((Trusting)))
Thanks Twink, they just showed up.
I haven't read your entire story, but has H not been bringing OW to family events until now? How does D feel about it? How did he know when & where?
No, he brings her everywhere. I was not expecting this...
Why not, if he brings her everywhere?
I know, it just took me by surprise that he would haul her to this. He was so cocky and arrogant and even struted with his OW. It was shocking to watch.
Almost 2 years after your D, you should probably expect this (yes, I know it's still hard!) But how does your D feel about it? That should be your focus, I think. Are you considering your feelings over hers? Just asking.
My daughter was very uncomfortable with the whole thing. She could not wait until ex and I parted.
How is your situation going Twink?
emailing you soon!!
i am there for you -- no matter how far the miles...
T not sure what a 'homecoming' is but I too have had STBXH turn up with OW. However in my case it was right at the beginning. He used to bring her to S17s rugby matches. Things got so bad that in the end S17 just stopped playing. It's such a shame b/c he had potential to do really well in this sport. S17 hated that his dad brought OW for two reasons:
1) Prior to him leaving me it had been thier time together. I used to turn up to watch the match but H and S17 went training together first. After OW turned up on scene H stopped the training bit.
2) It tore S17 apart to see me so upset. Given that this was within weeks of H leaving me I think anyone in their right mind could see this as a bad thing.
What strikes me about your XH is that he seems to be doing everything in a reverse order to everyone elses WAS
I mean normally all this spewing comes at the beginning and not normally post D. I'm a big believer that love and hate are the opposite ends of the same emotion. I just don't think your XH has come to terms with that yet.
Watch and wait T. Watch and wait.
Trusting, I pulled out the stages of MLC and withdrawal stage also has anger.
where are you? (ah yes off in healing land living your life!!)
Hey everyone,
I took a needed break from the MLC drama.
I have been doing some deep thinking about everything.
A little bit sad this week because my ex and bimbo took the baby to Disney. We were just there at the end of August.
I can't imagine what my baby thinks of all of that.
Ex's behavior has been weird lately. Lots more than normal button pushing. He wants a reaction from me. After you go through this for so long you become numb. I'm numb.
He can't even come close to pushing my buttons.
Other than that I feel I am really detaching. I no longer think about ex every minute. Now it is maybe 2-4 times a day.
I have made so much progress in my life since this has happened. I can't imagine ex coming back and even tolerating the new me. I think it would just threaten his very weak ego.
These guys are truly broken. Only God can repair mine.
Thinking of all of you
I think this statement says it all T:
I can't imagine ex coming back and even tolerating the new me.
You have used this very painful experience to grow whilst your XH has just floundered (like mine).
Be good to yourself. I know you think of him less but I was still surprised to see you put that you think of him 2-4 times a day.
Have you asked yourself if you do still want him back?
I feel the same
so much has happened
we have all changed
how can we even describe our xh
I dont really know what happened to him
he seems so different
not much thoughts attached to his choices
I dont see mine coming back, showing regret, or being anywhere close to a good father..like he was
still baffles me
peace
Trusting -
Absolutely LOVE what you told us!! thank you for sharing!!!I thought that was where you were -- off healing.
I have watched you detach and the thing that I see in your post that I see in my own life is when you said that ONLY GOD could heal your x. I am right there with you.
I am sorry for the continual pain of him playing "disney" dad.. and this time actually being able to really be that guy. I know you have worked hard to take care of your family and yourself.
Take care-- you are amazing.
Do I want my ex back?
That is a tough question.
I guess I cannot really answer that.
I don't even think about that possibility consciously.
I have this dream though. Ex comes to his senses. He asks for forgiveness and apologizes to all the people he has hurt. He gets into counseling. Finds God. Works on being a husband and father. We date for 2 years. We do not live together. He asks me to marry him again. He takes the kids to Hawaii.(our favorite place) I take another plane and fly in 2 days later. We get married on the beach and surprise the kids.
What a dream hey? Fantasy?
That would be my ultimate happy ending. Only God knows.
Yeah, imagining being back with them is REALLY hard after all this. I feel like my exH and I are strangers now, even though we were together since we were 18. I sat down and ate with him and the kids at McDonalds about a month back and I cannot even look him in the eye for very long. Very awkward.
I would love that ending also.....
I want to get married on the beach someday...to who? only God knows? But I will, I'm sure of it..
I think dreams are good. It helps us realize that life can be good after this crap. We have to look to our future and that may mean with or without our spouse.
Hoping for a brighter future is something we all hope to gain. Life is too short.
I wonder what these Ml'er dream of? Do they eventually lose all hope once they realize what they have done.....?
I have this dream though. Ex comes to his senses. He asks for forgiveness and apologizes to all the people he has hurt. He gets into counseling. Finds God. Works on being a husband and father. We date for 2 years. We do not live together. He asks me to marry him again. He takes the kids to Hawaii.(our favorite place) I take another plane and fly in 2 days later. We get married on the beach and surprise the kids.
Sounds like my dream....
Agree totally about dreams...it is good to hope again for something good for me/you/us again.
hope is good.
Well, I think it is fair to ask if your X should want you back, too. How have you changed? What woudl be different?
That said, I think any fantasies I'd have in this regard are just fantasies.
I think any fantasies I'd have in this regard are just fantasies
I too used to have 'happy ending' dreams. They used to comfort me but now they give me nightmares. For me I've decided that someone who has treated his own family in the way my XH has treated me and our 3 children has gone way past the possibility of any second chance.
I've definately changed and I really don't think XH would like the new me as he wouldn't be able to control me.
ACJ,
Same here. I don't think my ex would ever want me back either. I am stronger than ever and that would just scare him. OW really is perfect for him......
So doesn't that give you choices that enable reality rather than dreams and fantasies?
ACJ,
You always have choices, ACJ. You can always have dreams and fantasies too. There is nothing wrong with that. Wishing for what could have been or what might happen positively with our ML'ers is healthy. You get into trouble if you dwell or obsess on the dreams and distort them with reality. I have a God that allows the impossible to happen, who can restore what was. That may or may not be the plan he has for me. My life is in limbo. I am just waiting for God to show the path I will take. I can't control what I dream, I am simply just sharing them.
ACJ,
e. My life is in limbo. I am just waiting for God to show the path I will take. I can't control what I dream
I feel exactly the same way... in limbo and MORE importantly I too am waiting for GOD to show me my path. In EVERY avenue of my life. I am not waiting for x to come back - nor am I waiting for him NOT to come back. I LOVE how you put that T.
For me that was the biggest torture of all. however we all deal with things in a different way. I've chosen to move on completely. It wasn't an easy decision just like I'm sure your decision to keep standing for your XH was.
The important thing is that we both know what we want from our lives. Not so sure our Xs do though.
ACJ,
I respect any decision you make. We all have our choices. One day, I may just wipe my ML'er out of my mind and heart. I still don't have the green light on this though from my maker.
All I know is that no matter what, I will continue to live my life and grow to the best of my abilities. I will love my children and be open to anything that is out there.
All I know is that no matter what, I will continue to live my life and grow to the best of my abilities. I will love my children and be open to anything that is out there
I think that's a very good statement for anyone to live by
Well my son called me last night from college. Ex and bimbo brought my youngest daughter with them to Disney and wanted my son to join them for most of their vacation since he lives so close to Disney.
He said he wished they would have never come to visit. He said ex and OW just expected him to drop his life and entertain them. Son said they were so needy and when he could not do what they wanted, ex told him how dissappointed he was in him.
Son said he felt he was babysitting.....
Ex texted me twice last night indicating to me he was almost back in town. He wanted to drop the baby off at 7 this morning. He had originally told me he would be home at night so I decided to work today. I told him, "Sorry, that does not work for me. I will pick the baby up at daycare at around 5 or 6." He was pissed. He wants what he wants when he wants it. I am no longer catering to his every need and whim. Bring the tantrums on......
Trusting, Probably they need another person around to deflect the tension.
hmm sounds familiar... continually self centered.. i admire u for standing on ur own two feet!!
Good point forward...never thought of that
Ok, I want to give everyone a good laugh.
My ex is taking me back to court on Oct. 29 to reduce child support.
In order to do this he has to have me served.
He forgot to do this.
So in is infinite wisdom he snuck to the front door last night in the dark and taped the court order on my door and came up with a bogus receipt that it was served by a server. Does he not know I have to sign for this and then my signed form goes to the court.
My daughter saw him sneek to the door (she is a night owl) and do this.
If he submits this so called receipt or forges my name it is fraud.
I don't want to involve a lawyer yet because they are so expensive, but I may have to if ex lies to the court.
Is this really my life??????
Was he dropped on his head as a child?
I don't know. I hope it doesn't get to the point where youhave to get an atty if you don't want to.
HUGS
You could always show up at court, and play all innocent.
"Umm excuse me, judge, but didn't I have to sign for this?"
"Is this legal...that's not my signature, can the courier get into trouble for forging my signature? I want to take this as far as legally possible, we should protect other people from this underhanded courier. We should have them appear here in court."
: )
Ooh, that's wicked Jack...I like it
The fact that he would go that far is really scary. I mean, that's a crime.
I think you should confront him on it.
laughing..
jacks idea is classic!!
do not confront - liars territory -
bonehead tactic
bonehead move
bonehead
I consulted a lawyer to see if I even have to go to the court date. Waiting for an answer......
Daughter has been slowly telling me things from the Disney trip.
She said all ex and OW did was fight, fight, fight......
She also said that daddy told her he missed me.
I don't know what to make out of all of this, but a big part of me just does not care anymore.
She also said that daddy told her he missed me.
was this during or after fights with cOW
dont think -- just go forward.. dont ..you know the mind game..and t he probably DOES miss YOU just for right now..does not want to be married. I AM SURE that after all of those years together they do remember good... even we do
hugs hugs and more hugs to you
Trusting, I think that unlike me, you have had some sense of discord and unhappiness that your X is experiencing.
I am sure he does miss you.
You don't have to consider restoring the relationship to be compassionate.
Well the court date is set for Thursday. It will probably be thrown out due to ex not serving me properly. Ex will have to reschedule to get the child support reduced.
Ex told the kids that he will not be spending Thanksgiving with them. This is his holiday with the kids. He and OW did not get invited to any of his family members' get togethers. They would have gone over to his stepmother's usually but she died this past July in a motorcycle accident. Ex refused to pay for my son's air plane ticket to come home for thanksgiving. I bought him the ticket last night. Ex seems to be withdrawing more and more.
Seems you and I both have more madness to contain with on Thursday. My XH is getting married.
they are insane!! money to go on trips - but no money to bring son home!! what an A**!!
Selfishnes..
It is insane Cagz. Thank god I am a good saver.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, OW moved in to ex's house.
Makes me sick, but nothing I did not expect. Good example, they are.
Well, that may hasten the demise of things.
On the other hand, I thought that and two and a half years later, they are still going strong.
Trusting - remember when Bimbo #1ish lived with my x? it was terrible hard for me.. and you are right on.. GREAT example.
I guess we just need to realize that who we loved is not who they are.. and that is "suppose" to help.
I am angry today.. don't like being angry.
Court is tomorrow.
Got home late from work tonight. Walked in the house, got my pajamas on and about 15 minutes later ex was ringing the doorbell like mad. I of course did not answer, he scares me now. Weird......
Thanks for asking.
Ex looked horrible, tired, withdrawn, lost weight, dyed his hair a real ugly rust color.
Judge threw the case out because he did not correctly serve me.
Ex seemed confused, lost, playing the victim.
His arrogance and cockiness was no where to be seen.
So do you have to go through this ordeal again or will it depend upon XH going through the motions again?
It was rescheduled for November 09. I really believe my ex will be the type of Ml'er that is constantly taking me back and forth to court. He seems to thrive on the drama. I basically ignored him today and acted all business, no small talk. My father came with me and did the same.
The weird part of all this is that my ex is making more money than ever and asking to reduce my child support.
Trusting I feel for you, if you remember my ex also took me to court, he showed up on the first hearing, looked just like your ex, mine also hid behind a concrete pillar so I couldnt see him, but I did, everything that his lawyer said in court was a total lie, good job he didnt have to swear on oath, the case also got postponed, ex didnt turn up to that hearing, since speaking to him of late he says that myself and son wouldnt of ended up in a hostel, but that was the way it was going at the time and that is what he was pushing us into, I dont know Trusting it all still baffles me, good luck with your case honey. My ex was also earning mega money plus what he had inherited from his fathers house and threw us in the courtroom to get us out of the home as he couldnt afford for us to stay there, and yet to this day 2 years later the family home is still sat there empty, total madness is this mlc total madness
Well, Trusting, at least you do not have the arrogance for a while.
It is hard to muster compassion for these people when they have caused so much damage. Forgiveness is very difficult.
Mandy,
Thanks for sharing what happened to you. Do you think your situation is getting any better?
Forward,
Yes, I am so glad not to see the complete arrogance. I am not sure though that he was not acting so the judge would just feel sorry for him. He is a total manipulator.
i am sorry for the drama - glad to hear u were watched over by the judge.
i agree with u about ur x and the drama. makes u wonder if it is the loss of control that they have in thier own lives that cause them to be so stupid and do such stupid things!!
i have noticed with ur x taht he uses whatever "tactic" or side of himself to get whatever it is that he wants. i love that your father could be there with you -- and i am sorry that you had to deal with any of this garbage AGAIN!!
stay strong and keep moving my friend!!
Trusting I wouldnt say my situation is getting any better, what I would say is that I have come to a part in my life where I have moved on and live my life for what I have now, it is hard I do still think about ex and what he as done quite frequently, also as he is now back in contact with son I see him more and speak to him more than I have done in all this, his nastiness and arrogance seems to have gone for now, and we speak like old friends, I hold no hope though, he as made his bed so to speak. also a quick not on our court appearance is the fact that ex gets his suit on and looks the part whenever he is on important business, I fully expected him looking the part that day, he turned up like the village tramp, a pair of jeans and an old shirt that I bought him years ago, whether that was to appear as if he was broke or the fact he new I fancied the arse of him in his suit I dont know, but it just wasnt him to not turn up smart to an occasion like that
, like i say Trusting, madness sheer madness
I could not agree more, it is madness.
Preparing now for the 9th of November. I am going to ask the judge if the court could order psychiatric help for my ex.
It is so clear he is confused and lost.
I hope the judge can see that.
Ex has been quiet since court date. He has not even been bad mouthing me with the kids like he normally does after such things.
I am again dark with him. His behavior has been ridiculous.
Trusting, I suspect he is drained now. As I mentioned before, you got a glimpse into the fact that he is not happy w/OW.
When your R with your SO is marred, it's hard to be happy with your life overall, as we all know.
Although STBXH still acts smitten w/OW, he has taken a step back with her.
Thanks forward for your post.
Ex does seem rather exhausted. He is really clinging on to the kids this week, not wanting to be without them. He is much like a child himself....
Trusting, You probably are tired, too. Peace....
Just tired of having to deal with a man in MLC. Tired of it being a part of my life.
Well, all I can say is that we all relate!
Nothing but silence in my situation. Usually after court dates, ex bad mouths me non stop. There is no indication that this is occuring.
Peace to all.....
Trusting, Maybe his anger is dwindling.
I am guessing, too, that now he is blaming OW for all his problems.
Maybe he had just been beaten by a bigger bully than him - The Judge
Maybe T he is just fueling..right now there is no reason to attack.. He tried to bully, it didn't work. The judge speaks for you -- he needs to back off.
I am sorry that you have so much madness...
Do you really think they blame OW for things?
I think that at first, OP is the one who solves all.
But yes, I think they eventually blame the OP.
i have no idea.. I think they do anything but take responsibility for any of their own actions. AND if they do at all -- it is ALL justified....
I just know I can't be his scapegoat anymore.
Court is on Monday for reduction of child support. I hope it goes well.
already? what the heck!!!
i will pray for you..
thanks cagz....
I am a little nervous
understandable..
i have prayed.
peace be to you - and i mean it. God grant my friend peace.
if you need me i am just an email away.
thank you, court is at 3p.m. Please say a prayer for me at that time.
Good luck T.
As far whom they blame................. until it is themselves they will always be walking in darkness
You will be in our thoughts. Good luck.
Trusting,
I'm sending you positive thoughts and will be thinking of you tomorrow. Good luck!
Trusting - you know that your Great Provider will take care of you.. I believe that for you!! I am VERY sorry you have to go through yet another court hearing with him... you are on my heart.
your friend -
cagzmom
Good Luck, thinking of you and praying for you at 3pm xx
thinking of you today
peace
prayed for you early this am...
Yes I thought about you today too.
Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and prayers.
I actually felt all of you with me.
I believe it went well for me overall. It lasted about 2 hours and was very emotionally draining as well as disturbing.
Ex looked the worst I have ever seen him. He actually looked like he had lost another 10 pounds in the last 10 days. He was gaunt and talked and walked like an old man. It made me sad.
He at times did not make sense and mumbled a lot to the judge.
At the end the judge asked him what he wanted to see the child support at. My ex said $400.00. This is a man who makes over $500,000 a year.
cont...
It was rather insulting and it was clear to the judge this man does not want to financially take care of his children.
Ex lied and lied and lied and lied about everything. He even lied about what was clearly stated on his tax returns.
He lied about mortgage interest that did not even exist. I am positive now he truly believes all his lies. He is hiding money, some of that came up in court. I was able to draw the judges attention to some of it, but I am sure there is so much more. OW is his secretary. Her salary went up over the last year at least 40,000. That is quite some raise. Or is he just paying for her other services.... if you know what I mean
cont...
very disheartening to see the man he turned out to be. He is a shell of evil. My little girl got the swine flu 2 days ago. He is clearly not interested in how she is doing. In fact he was very relieved that he would then not have to have her this week. There is no way I would trust him to take care of her with this.
He is so very self-centered and absorbed. If I would have to guess at where he is in the whole midlife crisis thing, I would say he is starting to feel some of the repercussions of his actions, maybe realizing a little bit here and there but still not coming to terms with it.
cont..
He is not happy, but I still think he believes it is because of me. At court, he struggled to keep track of the lies on the lies on the lies. He confused himself many times.
At one point the bail-lift chuckled when my ex gave a sob story on how the economy has affected his $500,000 income. It was quite pathetic. I did not even like him. I did not even want him around me. He has changed so much.
Anyway, the judge will make her decision at the end of the month on the amount of child support I will receive. She did say that even though ex is requesting a reduction, she could increase it.
You should have seen his face. So his attempt could have back fired. I am not getting my hopes up. I guess I just want to maintain this house and be happy with the kids.
So, I am praying for him to heal. Only God can help this man. He is so very lost.
I am so blessed to have a sound mind and to have all of your support. Thank you for everything.
Trusting,
I'm very glad you posted. We were all concerned.
It's very sad when we actually see then is this condition. Times like this are when they drop the mask so that you can see what they are experiencing and yes, hoping you will soften your heart and allow him to keep his money. Tomorrow, the man will be right as rain all over again.
No one will ever truly know what they experience while in crisis. We can only guess at the pain and suffering that they are experiencing. I'm very sorry you had to see him like this today.
I do hope your little is feeling better very soon. Please take care of yourself.
Trusting, Perhaps the judge wants to look over his information more carefully.
How bizarre that he does not want to support his kids.
Yours is still running. I've said before: similar timeframes. I know you've seen and heard regrets and the flip side of things; wish I could say the same.
I'm beginning to see that his regrets are just manipulation, they are and were never sincere.
One thing that I did not mention that I found extremely profound was that right after the court proceedings me and my dad left and passed a church that had a saying on its sign in bold letters, "SATAN DOES NOT HAVE A PRAYER".
My dad and I were both emotionally exhausted from this experience and felt that my mother and god were trying to tell us something here. It brought a degree of comfort to both of us because we really see evil in ex's eyes and behaviors.
in the end my friend TRUTH always wins out!!
So glad that GOD is in ultimate control! So glad that these judges see so much of this that the can see through the lies.
take care of little one.
take care of you!!!
cagzmom
Trusting, that is ridiculous on the child support. $400 plus $200 insurance is what the court ordered my ex to pay while he DID NOT have a job. Then, they gave him 6 mo. of that, and after April said he should have his job established again and it goes back up to 700 plus the 200 insurance. And he doesn't make anywhere NEAR what your H makes!
SoCo,
I was so insulted that ex is so greedy with this money. He wants all his money to go to OW and her child. She has a real noose around his neck. I am sure she was the instigator of all of this.
Yes it is hard to believe that they become so selfish and greedy. My ex has not held a job b/c of losing it due to og and moving w her... stupid. For the most part he has been decent with money, but has gone through spurts of not paying. However, TX doesn't play with that and if he doesn't pay they will be after him.
Glad to hear that for Texas laws......I filed for child support 4 to 5 months ago....so far nothing. State of Georgia some how lost an original paper that could not be photocopied so had to resend another one.my case worker said thay had 20 days to answer.... that was 31 days ago.called her today to get an update...my case worker is in my daughters band so that helps as far as getting things done quicker....but here I am still with nothing.
I have told him by email I was filing for child support...of course he never answered back....just a couple of needed texts I sent him ans he always would put in there I am sending you some money.....I am glad I dont have to hold my breath cause I would be dead.....
It just takes so long,he paid religiously up until March...of course by then he had moved her in with him....he has no job, no money,I guess she is supporting them now....what a catch she has found herself....
At least I got all the good years....
Yes IRMAC from what I have seen TX is on it. He just started paying through the Att. Gen. office and when he sent them the check on Thursday I had the check from them in my mailbox by Tuesday. They also want to go after him for the two months that he moved away with og and didn't pay me, reported by my L. I think I'm just going to leave that alone though, since for the time being it's okay.
Something very weird happened tonight.
Ex texted me this "Where U?"
then about 1 minute later he texted, "I am pricing shower doors".
Ok it could mean 1 of 3 things.
1. He is confused
2. He meant to text OW (they bought a house and they are fixing it up.
3. He is purposely doing this to rub it in that they are fixing up a house together
go with confused.. he is always confused. lol
Confused? Maybe. Then again, he may have done it to see what your reaction/response would be. Sometimes they do things such as this to get us to respond to them. Attention, good or bad, is what they crave.
Try to ignore his tx....he needs to grow up.
Thanks Cagz and Snod,
I agree with you Snod, I think he wants some kind of reaction from me. I did ignore it. It is the best thing.
T this made me think of a situation that happened between me and my H way back when he was first with OW.
He rang me on a Sunday morning to see if S17 was going to rugby practice. Unbeknown to him (as son hadn't told him) S17 had decided to stop playing. I told him this and he hung up. About half an hour later he rang again. This time after I said hello he said 'Morning babe', he has NEVER called me babe! I realised he had called the wrong number but played along with it and said 'what a lovely way to be woken up'. He then realised his mistake, apologised profusely and hung up. I laughed for hours.
ACJ,
That was funny. These guys are so messed up. I can't imagine what goes on in their minds. It is so very sad....that at times you have to find the humor.
There was another time when unfortunately my S17 got arrested. Both myself and XH went to the police station whilst he was interviewed. S17 had to stay in police station a while longer while they waited for the parents of the lad he was with when arrested to arrive so they could interview him. They told us to go home. XH opened the door for me and gently put his hand on the small of my back to guide the way for me. He instantly removed his hand and apologised. I told him not to apologise as I wasn't offended. Funny how old habits die very very hard.
They live in two different worlds i think. I also think they want both those two worlds. Unfortunatley I won't share a man.
Me neither which is why I stopped fighting the D. The financial cost of trying to show XH that his family loved him became too great.
What you said rings so true for me too. My ex just did not think his family loved him enough. It was quite pathetic and really when you think of it so immature. He thought OW and son could provide him with what is missing within.
They do live in two worlds. Mind still follows me around at S's games like a puppy and will try to stand behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. Still calls me baby all the time, which pisses me off... and half the time still says ILY on the phone! I have asked him repeatedly not to do any of those things.
I sure hopes this ends one day.
I think the end starts when WE make the decision that it is time.
Although when I first came here I said I would stand for my M forever no matter what happened I came to realise more recently that actually that isn't a healthy way to live. My XH doesn't want me, appears not to like me, isn't prepared to hold a civil conversation with me and will call me names to my children as often as he can. Why would I want to be with a man like that?
I deserve better and I intend to find it.
Your ex sounds exactly like mine.
Same wonderful qualities.
Yesterday ex came and picked up my older daughter. I never go to the door or show my face in any way. He put on this unbelieveable display of affection toward my 5 year-old. I have never seen anything like it, i.e. blowing kissies, holding his heart, winking, etc... Now keep in mind she is adopted and when I got her he told me to send her back or he would divorce me. He was nothing but ugly and cruel about her arrival, something I will never forget. He was extremely jealous of her. Ex does not know I witnessed this, maybe he was hoping I would but it was so animated I can't explain it.
Trusting, I had similar comments about our little D. I hope your D never heard the exchanges.
However, overanimated or not, your XH is paying some positive attention to your D. I would simply focus on that, since, as some of the resources indicate, MLCers often are not very good parents. Focus on the positive here.
Thanks for the advice, it is hard to find the positive, but I will try.
Trusting...my little D screamed and cried when STBXH moved out--she was inconsolable.
While I will always believe my intentions were good, I notice that since I am not hovering, "encouraging," and essentially interfering with their relationship, it has, per the way Michelle describes, forced H to step up. Although he still does not offer to spend more time with her than is required of him, I just have some relief that they have a relationship.
My ex is so inappropriate at times, I am not sure my daughter will benefit from that relationship. I do worry about my kids mental health, these guys are pretty irrational.
Well it is official. Ex bought a house with OW and moved in last night. My daughter told me this afternoon. She stated she has a very big room and loves it. Ex spent $30,000 furnishing it. I knew this was coming. Hurts like hell.
So sorry to hear what he did....I myself have been here for a while......I dont know what I will do when that time comes....He still hasn't filed for divorce.....and SHE supports them he still has no job.....we never speak which is better for me but occasionally he responds when I text him to make sure he is doing ok....he never justs writes to me to let me know he if fine....I have faith, but sometimes I read things like your situation and I get discouraged.....
I have been reading your posts and you sound still like you hurt very much ....I am sorry, may you have everything you deserve one day......
(((((Trusting)))))
I know the pain, my ex brought a house with the bimbo back in February of this year. They brought a house in an expensive area and remodeled it to their liking. It hurt like hell, but like everything else that has been dealt to us, we find a way to deal with it and the pain lessens. Just know that this won't make him any happier. My ex now seems jealous that I was approved for a loan for a house while he had to buy a house with the bimbo to get one. It's just another thing on their list that they do that they THINK will make them happy.
Trusting, I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. I expect that I might, too.
As far as your D, yes, your X is not too healthy, but at the same time, I think there is some truth that just about ANY relationship with a parent is better than nothing. So that is how I try to approach.
Your X has made some progress w/your kids, and he is at least present so hopefully things will improve slowly.
The house should solve the problems between OW and your X that your X communicated to you, yessir. (rolleyes)
Again, maybe they don't hit bottom. They live bottom, day to day. Nowhere to go.
t
sorry for your pain
its just
another bandaid
you know fixing the outside can never fix the inside
can these two ever really face the inside
I like what forward said
they kive their bottom
I guess some do, they just adjust and accept the total mess they created
peace
Thank you all for your support.
A friend of mine at work went through this several years back. She always stresses to me how important it is to detach emotionally in order to survive. She told me today it is a conscious effort. Everytime you have thoughts about ex, stop them. Eventually it becomes habit and your feelings change. I am going to make more of an effort. It is necessary for me.
T I'm sorry for your pain. My X moves into the house he has recently bought in two weeks. I've no idea if his new wife is on the mortgage but I guess she will be in name. She must either be on maternity leave already or about to be and i'm told she doesn't intend to go back to work. So given that he had so much blood money from me I think in reality it is probably me and XH who really own that house.
Your friend is right it does get easier to detach through habit. I think the question you need to ask yourself is IF you want to detach. The statment about not being done on the bottom of your signature suggests that maybe you don't.
I agree with your friend Trusting.. and I am so very very sorry!!! I know those knife pains, the hurt of the heart - I am sorry. Wish we could sit down and have a margarita, or a beer or even just a soda together.. and just sit.. no words sometimes are best.
and in regards to your messed up X and his relationship with your kids.. take solice in this. My C has reminded me time adn time again that the "SAFE" place, consistancy all of it - that is us adn that is what we are showing our kids. INNER strength.. adn they do see it!! I KNOW they do.. How WE deal adn teach them and move forward does impact them. You may not hear it today - but some day you will be told (either by word or deed).
Hey - how about I come there and kick him in the prvates?? that would be so awesome~~~~
so sorry to hear....yep keep detachig one day at a time....
Cagz,
I'll take you up on that..... when are you coming?
If i hadn't made 2 trips ur way this past year I maybe would consider it!!!
when u heading my way???
Cage is right
we are the safe place
my D14 recently talked about another friend parents getting D
she said her mother was like you
the stable one
they know
peace
Today on my way to work I turned on the radio.
A song played about this man who had left his family and the last verse of the song was, "I will be coming home to you".
It is difficult when you decide to move on from your relationship when you hear something like this. Lately, I have been getting a lot of these signs. Something keeps telling me to hang in there. My faith tells me that I have to keep listening to these signs. My heart tells me enough is enough.
I would like to hear from others regarding "these type messages". What has been happening? What have been some of your signs? Do you ignore these signs or hang your heart on hope?
More and more my family is telling me to move on and detach. Just this morning my father told me he is so worried about what my ex has done to me emotionally. He no longer has any feelings toward him. All these conflicting signs are happening to me.
I feel I have done a good job of getting a life, loving my children and friends. Yes, I would be lying to you if I told you I did not think of my ex. I do. It is not as intense or emotional, but I do miss the old ex and our family life.
But..... deep down, I still feel him in my soul, my covenant partner, the father of my children. I won't stop loving him, at times I hate him for what he has done and the damage he has caused, but I know he is not right.
I have dated some, but no one seems to "curl my toes" so to speak. It still feels wrong to date and so I have stopped. I am not unhappy, most of the time I am content. Memories don't torture anymore, they actually make me smile. The kids and I always talk about old times and the things ex did when he was not in his crisis. They are good wonderful memories.
So let me know what you guys have been experienceing.....
T,
I remember very vividly when XH had been gone for about a year getting a feeling and almost words in my head that everything was going to be ok and he would be home. At the time it gave me comfort. However as time went on and things went from bad to worse simply b/c XH wanted it that way for me 'signs' like these became like thorns in my side.
The turning point in my sitch was when OW got pregnant. I knew then that whilst I still had it in my heart to forgive an affair (however hard) I didn't have it in me to forgive a child with another woman. More importantly I didn't want to deprive yet another child of it's father as may well have happened if I'd hung on and things had turned out beter. I couldn't bear to see another young life go through what my ownchildren have been through (and to some extent still are). So I made a choice to drop the rope completely and move on.
In the last week or so I've had som many people ask me what I've had 'done' b/c I look so different. People have commented how happy I look. Just tonight I've been out with ex colleagues for someone else's leaving party and they all said how happy I looked. I suddenly realised that I am happy. In fact I think this is probably the first time in my life I have been truley happy iwith ME.
You will know when (and if) it is time to let go. When you do you will feel a sense of serenity you never thought possible.
Trusting...I could of wrote what you wrote....except my Dad is passed but I imagine even my Dad woudl come to the point your Dad has...I know If I had a daughter.....I would...but i read what u wrote and I could write it all...while i have not dated at all......I sometimes have that battle in my mind.....is it ok for me to date....then I think ughhhhhhhh which tells me I am not ready anyway....but my sister told me I will never be ready....
I really feel like sometimes your beliefs are like a rope around your neck......but no its called scantification.....i know i have a very close time line on all as u and feel i am in the same place....
dear t-
yes I too experience the same hopeful words in songs, through sermons and even the Word. AND i believe that if our x's choose to face stuff then yes my friend we could be restored and it would be better - adn different.
i have learned (and as you know am learning) that moving forward, dropping the rope and doing for us is the BEST thing for both of you.. for ur x (so he can't use us for a crutch anymore) and for you -- so you can not hurt and can grow. I DO NOT believe that we should SIT and not live - even dating.... it is all good and all ok. (at least to me) I have VERY strong moral convictions when it comes to dating.... so that part of my heart is gaurded --
anyway - it is like i have read on here before.. Even if the door is closed - remember we can still choose to open it. all those sayings and things.. they are good life choices.
keep living ....I hope God does restore - shoot it would be awesome.. but remember they have to allow GOD to move in their lives.. we are willing... they are still stuck in thier muck.
truly care my friend.
cagzmom
T
I think there were a few turning points for me
the D
meeting someone else--the strong feelings of being attracted to BF
XH M OW
somehow with all these turns of events, I do not see reconciliation as even the slimest of possibilities
I meditated a lot during seperation
I had strong feelings that XH would return
so I wonder what all that was
was I really in touch with intuition
I dont know
Now I meditate and feel everything is perfect as it is
nothing to change
I get a strong gut feeling to let XH go
we have little contact
I too am about as happy as I can evewr remember
I would only want to see xh in a more sane place
a place where he visits his kids and is a loving father
I know I have to accept him as he is today
and As he is is also a turning point and more of a reason to validate my choice to let him go
you will find your way when the time is right
Peace
I just long for a decent conversation with ex. He is not at all able to communicate with me, I am beginning to think he never will be able to. Just maybe an explanation or some type of acknowledgement that he had a slight sense of loss. How about a conversation where he does not lie.
Trusting you are asking Why--
and you know they can't answer because yes - they would lie and more important I truly dont think they know why.
you are suffering another level of loss my friend. I am sorry...I KNOW the pain. Though my x did not buy a home with someone or the OW I do understand the feeling of them building soemthing else without you....and it just plain hurts. there is no answer -and THAT for those of us who are problem SOLVERS is very very hard to take.
I dont have any magic words - but I can tell you, that those who have walked this before us say that as we heal the pain changes.
Cant say we will ever know what happened T. As with you, I hope I get to understand as well.. WE loved with all ourselves - and as with you I looked forward to the next phase of life with my x. NEVER did I think I would be here, yet I am....
Look back and SEE how far your heart has come. I still remember reading your post on your 12 days before court..... and then last year you walked me through again - and now here we are again friend.. Another holiday walk.
WE CAN DO THIS!!
your friend,
cagzmom
Yes, I love what you said, another holiday walk-- so true. I am already anticipating the hurt and the heart ache. This is my 3rd Christmas without ex. I know I will make it, every year will get better. Every year for them will get worse.
I just am thankful that I had all those wonderful years with ex when he was such a good good man. I was blessed regardless of the last 3 years.
Take care cagz, we are all here with you, we will do this holiday season together....
The holiday season for me gets worse not better every year.
First XH left exactly one month before Christmas.
Next there was the coming and going on Christmas day first year of him and latterly of the children so that they get to see each other.
Last year it was my S17 not being here to eat with us.
This year OW is expecting a baby on Christmas day. That particular pain will be there for evermore.
T allow yourself to grieve and most importantly LOVE YOURSELF. It took me 42 years to do this but now that I can I am a different person (and people are telling me this without me even having to say anything)
they honestly do not see the disruption they have caused in so many peoples lives
I hope they do eventually.....
holidays are hard.
we have to remember it is a "Season" and remember we did make it through last year... and for some the year before (etc).
painful, heart wrenching, aching.. yes.
but we are here - becoming whole...
nope - doesn't take the pain away -- but helps me remember that the pain will leave again... at least for awhile
Well today is my 22nd wedding anniversary. I never thought I would be spending it alone. I am doing ok though. Can't help but remember my ex saying his vows.......... at that time I know he meant them.
I wonder if he even remembers that day, or if he remembers what day it is.
Regardless, he did not submit to the court the papers he was suppose to for child support. I don't know if he will be in contempt of court. He was also suppose to submit to me his tax return, he never did. I will have to fax the judge to inform him that he never gave me the information. I can't believe it has come to this.
My ex seems so much worse, very confused and forgetful....
I know how you feel.........our anniversary was in Sept.....I dont think they remember that special day ......when I was 22 I was a WAS 32 yrs. ago.....never did return but I never gave it a second thought.....I just did away with that in my memory....when I look back at that first marriage when I hurt my 1st husband as mine has hurt me I feel such shame....how could I of hurt someone who loved me so much.....same thing with the way I have become a LBS.
My mom has always say that what we do here on earth to hurt someone whether it be our spouses,friends,family we will reap what we have sown...as in karma...this must be my karma for that pain of betrayal I imposed on my 1st husband.he is dead now but I did ask him for his forgiveness I pray he heard me
IRMAC,
I am sorry you experienced being a WAS in your first marriage. You were very young and probably very naive. The fact that you asked him for forgiveness is such a blessing. Everyone deserves forgiveness when repentence is present. I don't see a lot of repentence in these ML'ers.
T they can't repent because to do that they would have to admit they have done wrong. Can you imagine what an impact that would have on them. Read the posts of those people on here who have been the WAS and how they felt when they did have the awakening. It's not pretty.
i am sorry about today... makes it harder.
it is hard -
hugs.
me
It always feels like such an accomplishment when you make it through those rough hurdles such as an anniversary.
Ex emailed last night about the tax stuff he never sent me.
Of course his attachment did not go through. He also claimed he did not send me the tax stuff because he FORGOT my email address (after 15 years of sending me stuff). It never ends, what ends is how you handle this craziness.
Wishing you all a great day.....
Trusting
Agreed- how we choose to handle it.
I am in a bit of a funk. Wondering what I am waiting for.. just frustrated!!!
Ex going on a cruise with other woman over Thanksgiving. He seems to be pulling away from his kids somewhat. This is trip number 15 or 16 this year, can we say run run run.
good grief!! and this coming from the man who wanted to pay less child supporT!!!
Had exactly the same Trusting, they spend spend spend on anything and anybody apart from their children, but I do believe they will regret it someday, mine actually said he cant afford this that and the other and he cant afford to take son out for activities or meals and things that cost money, but him and wifey still partying it up and eating out and holidaying, it really doesnt make sense. xxxx
T I smiled about your comment about X emailing you. For some reason my XH forwarded me an email today from moneysupermarket.com. The title said it had vouchers for pizza. I'm sure kids will like that but why the hell he sent it to me I've really no idea. I thought at first that he had just sent it to everyone on his email list but only my name appears. Think what is more likely is this:
I'm Alison (insert surname) and his new wifely is Alena (insert same surname). Freudian slip maybe????????????????
acj, dont believe it for one sec love, my ex has recently been trying to advise me what I should be feeding son on and wot is healthy for him, think ive managed ok for 15 years and 4 of them on my own, and the fact that ex sends less than a tenner a week for sons keep he is lucky he gets grass to eat, lol, they are losers love
They are so weird. Son is in town from college, ex has not even tried to contact him which is so unusual.
Still waiting for the judge to decide what my child support will be, up or down or the same.
I hope she hurrys up because bills are starting to pour in.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone
trusting there are no answers to any of this. what they see as black is probably white. nothing makes sense.
the judge needed info from him...... hmm he is going to be in trouble T. There are some places where tehy have to be held accountable
you will be ok. he can't prove he can't pay..... and there isn't a judge/court out there that doesnt have compassion on single mothers.......
hugs to you
Hope you are right Cagz, we all need alittle compassion...
T, I find the amount you are getting unbelievably low. I sure hope it's adjusted upward.
Forward,
I never listed the amount I am getting, only that ex wants to drop it to 400.00 a month which is way lower than what I am getting. When the judge heard this amount she nearly choked so I don't think it will go as low as ex wishes. It was so evident in court how selfish he is and that he does not wish to properly sustain his children.
Oh, sorry, F, I misunderstood.
It is so confusing as to how the people we married seem so....bad.
Well, I guess it's good that things are going so well for him that he can afford more trips.
I do believe some people use travel to escape problems.
No problem.
You know what is so weird.
Ex moved into another house with other woman.
Everything is a secret with me, he has not given me his address and he told the kids not to tell me it.
What is that about?
Trusting dont worry about it, my ex didnt tell me his temporary address when he left and he was there for 6 months allegedly before moving in with the then ow, he then moved in with her and it was only when the solicitors letters were flying at me that I discovered his address, to this date ex as never told me them or home phone numbers, it is all a coffuffle in their lives. Having said that when I moved out I didnt disclose my new address but it took ex or wifey less than a month to find out where we were, its a case of its okay for them to not let you know anything about them but they want to know things about you
this secrecy must be a common link among the mlcer
My xh didnt tell me he was getting M
he still has Never told the kids..they dont know he is M
I might have to tell them before they find out some other way
so unless they re ashamed why not tell
peace
Just plain strange behavior, well whats new.
T,
My XH has just moved house this weekend. My S17 lives with him and so I sent him an email gently reminding him that whilever my son is living under his roof he has an obligation to keep me informed of the address. As your children visit and stay with your XH regularly perhaps you could do the same.
Trusting, Your X has a lot to work on. Obviously he still seems to see you as a parent figure.
Cagz,
thanks for asking, no word yet from the judge. I am dying not knowing how much income I will have every month. I am staying positive though and having faith that the judge saw past his bs. Bills keep coming in though
Forward,
Ex probably does see me still as a parent figure.
Part of the reason why I have no contact with him is that.
He needs time away from me to see me in a different light.
true true...
trusting is he not paying anything right now?? Isn't he suppose to pay something while it is all figured out!!?? OH THESE situations just are so ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
nothing, the judge said for him to wait until she makes the change. So as it stands, he owes me for November and December now.
GOOD GRIEF!!!! Oh my gosh!!!
Oh Trusting.. i am so very very sorry. What an A**!!! I mean he could give you SOMETHING!! Oh these men (and yes women!!) GOOD GRIEF!! Why do they have to be FORCED to do stuff??!! My x recently "bragged" on how he is a good provider for his "family.." ok whatever.. you SUCKED until the courts enforced what you weren't doing!!! OH MY GOSH!!!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! hope you heard that scream from me to you FOR YOU!!!
Ok, I have a question here.
Ex seems more and more confused, I mean really not thinking clearly at all. Unable to put things together at all. I finally got a copy of ex's rebuttal regarding the child support and it made absolutely no sense. It was basically a victim statement. His numbers did not match his tax returns and there is no one on earth who could follow his way of thinking. For those of you who have seen the ML'ers come out the other side, is this normal for ML? My ex just seems almost severely cognitively delayed.
I seriously doubt that your xh has come out the other side yet. If he's still displaying confusion, etc., it sounds like he's still in depression and needs some assistance in the way of ADs.
His brain hasn't quite gotten settled down and he's really having a difficult time with numbers, etc. Do you know if he had issues with math as a teenager?
It appears you are going to have to work on his math issues for him in order to get what you need to support you and your children. He's truly still out there in some areas.
Not trying to hijack your thread just a question for Snodderly.husband texts me today, actually carried on a conversation with text messaging....he texted me for Thanksgiving also, wished me a happy one, I texted him back wishing him one as well, and wants to come see us at christmas.still living with the O/W..but these text msgs surprised me .I texted him this morning because it was snowing and it reminded me of him ....took him all day to ask me if it was still snowing and that is when the convo took place....not reading nothing into it....just wondering what could be going on....
IRMAC,
He's having a moment of sanity. A lot of them will do this around a holiday because they do remember what it use to be like as a family unit. He could very well have been thinking of the great times he had w/you and your family and opted to text you to test the waters to see if you will return the message. Some do it to just remind us that they are still out there, not thinking how it hurts and reminds us of their absence. Some, for selfish reasons, hope that we will be friendly to them so that it will appease their guilt for what they've done....others, well...they aren't really thinking at all.
I personally would not read too much into his behavior. Treat him just as you would a friend and nothing more. Time will reveal to you what is going on w/him.
thanks for your quick response......going home now have a great evening
Snodderly,
I certainly don't think my ex is coming out of his MLC any time soon. Sorry if it sounded like that. I just wanted to know what others who have been through the whole thing had experienced. He is more confused than ever and can't seem to function logically at all.
T- i hate to even think this - but from what you have mentioned about him - he seemed to have been a fairly sharp man with numbers in his career. so it leads to two thoughts 1.drugs/alcohol/prescription drugs or 2. his 10 year old girlfriend did the papers for him. (sorry had to throw her under the bus for you!!)
he was smart - something is wrong - (i am wondering seriously if he is medicated.. valum? hydrocodone? something "legal" but dangerous.)
you know that the judge will see just what you see. think about this.. seriously... they probably see stuff like this all the time.
sorry you are struggling.
T
My xh is the same--very confused and seem to be getting worse
I thiok they get borderline mental illness
my xh seems to be
irrational and doesnt live in reality
prescription drugs do that and in my xh case I beleive that is the reason
plus I think the OW influences them if their thinking is also distorted
after all that is their main reality check
peace
Thanks Peace,
I wish I new exactly what is going on with ex. I am starting to think he is on something, maybe cocaine. He has lost a lot of weight lately and he can't seem to keep his thoughts straight. It is hard to go dark when they are so pathetic.
Hi T,
It is so hard to see them strugling. To see them like that hurts. As for the drugs, I feel the same way. The rapid weight loss is what caught my attention.
Her appetite decreased. Yet, she was still eating a lot of carbs. Made me wonder. Plus, I noticed her smoking increased as well.
I guess they will do anything to make themselves feel better. I can't imagine the pain they are in. That's why many people resort to drugs. Its just something to hide the pain they are in.
Thanks Drew,
It is soooo painful to watch. Mine knows something is wrong with him, but he will not seek any help. Pride is a big factor in his case.
T,
This might not be what you want to hear but FWIW I think you should try and take your focus off XH and concentrate on you and the children.
I know it's hard and I know you don't feel you are done yet BUT if God willing your M is restored you are going to need to be the healthy one with a clear mind. Clouding it with what if thoughts about XH isn't going to achieve that. I know you let him be physically but try and do it mentally too. I think it will help you.
You are probably right. That is what I need to do. Let him be.
Trusting,
I have to agree that you need to keep the focus on you and your family. I understand the concern you are voicing. It could be any number of things going on, but the one thing that appears to be evident is that he is depressed and severe depression can create so much crazy behavior and yes, it does affect the memory.
Please try not to worry too much about what is going on. He could have been having a very bad day and their lack of concentration does take over when their brains are on overload.
Please plan to do something special for yourself this weekend. You deserve it!
Again, dont mean to hijack thread, but I just read the RIP VAN WINKLE Awakening in the MLC resources......that was back in 05....could you update me to what happened after that last post......I know you chose to go on w/o Rip...is he still alive??? no more contact at all??? just curious....all I can say to those posting was "wow"... thank you for still coming here to help.....
Thanks Cagz,for inquiring.
I am fine. I have been keeping myself busy with all the Christmas hub bub.. Putting up decorations, shopping, baking, cleaning, on line shopping, etc...
It has been a great diversion. Keeping busy does wonders for the soul. Ex has been quiet, no word from him. I like it this way.
Still no decision regarding the child support. I left a message for the judge indicating that it would be helpful to me to have a decision soon since I have a lot of bills that need to be paid.
Hoping I'll get a decision by the end of the week.
Hope you are doing well
i am doing good - better now that iknow you are ok.
Thanks Cagz,
you are a dear
Trusting,
This is a very stressful time of the year, please be sure to take some time out for yourself and enjoy your family. Children grow up so quickly and they become adults before you know it.
I truly believe that miracles can occur at any time, but especially during this most blessed and yet magical time of the year. The miracles may not be what we would expect, but there always seems to be something good that happens to each of us.
As for the court and support payments, keep calling them every day until you get an answer. They are always busy, but this time of the year, they do tend to slow down.
I truly do hope that you have a happy and magical holiday w/your family.
Thanks Snodderly,
Wishing you the best also. Thank you for all your nice sentiments. We are all blessed with all your advice and wisdom. You are a godsend.
agreed -
Snodderly - you are a true blessing and have such great insight.
so lonely --- how are you my friend
Just trying to keep busy Cagz. My ex has been really really quiet. He seems like he is severely depressed since I have cut off all contact. I have been going out with girlfriends lately and trying to enjoy myself socially. Memories of ex come and go and are not so vivid now.
Christmas is tough but I try to remember what a beautiful time of year it can be. Just trying to make it the best for my kids.
Tell me about yourself?
i am just being stupid.
this is my year without d13 - s20 will go over to for christmas. good news is I do get to be with them Christmas eve and wake up with them Christmas morning...bad news is ... christmas alone.
just been sad ..stuff with s20 - trying to do stuff right .. learn to be single.. you know all of it...
C,
You are not being stupid, you are being human. It's very difficult this time of year for those who are going through this mess and then have to deal w/being alone on Christmas Day. Do you have family close by? What about friends? I think you need to come up with a plan for the day and stick to it. Please do not sit home alone....that's not good!
You are way too hard on yourself Cagz.
trying to figure out a plan snod. truthfully i am ok with being alone. i get to be with my kids in the morning - get to have them Christmas Eve... being with other families on the day..well to be honest i am just not sure that would bring any joy.
i am contemplating and thinking.. i LOVE rest so the thought of that is truthfully a bit enticing. I dont know what to expect or do...
Trusting this is ur thread not mine... More about YOU !!
my x is hiding away as well... tonight on my drive home I did not have well wishes for him -- many thoughts that were not to nice..
hmm that i will continue on my thread
Just a little incite into the ML'ers world that I was privy to last night.
My kids will say very little about ex to me. I don't ask any questions, I figure if they want to say something they will. I just try to be a good example to them and help them with ex if they ask.
Anyway, my father picked up my 2 girls yesterday from school and my 15 year-old wanted to share some things about ex with my father.
She said his new house that he bought is a complete dump. Even though he makes lots of money he is in so much debt that this is all he could afford. It is a foreclosure that he bought that had been sitting on the market for 5 years. He has to do a lot of work and apparently it is not working out like he planned.
He still insists that the kids not give me his address because he is embarrassed. Which by the way is against state law.
Ex and OW fight like crazy. She wants, wants, wants, and he is having a hard time keeping up with her needs.
She is demanding that he provide for her like he provided for me.
He is not able to do this due to having to pay child support as well as all his credit card debt.
He continues to lose weight and is losing his hair and not sleeping at all.
He is nothing short of miserable.
Trusting,
It's always interesting to hear what's really going on their world. Goes to show that life is not peachy-keen on the other side. Once the OW's true colors start showing, it will bring out the worst in your ex-H.
I always get a sense of satisfaction when the script is being followed in the OW saga.
T I'm right behind you. My XHs new house (according to D14) smells of old people! It was empty for a while too (not sure how long) and when they first moved in none of the radiators worked. It was particularly cold here that week.
My mother asked D14 if she liked her new bedroom and was told it needed a lot doing to it. My mother said 'I'm sure your Dad will sort it pretty quickly for you' to which D14 replied 'I doubt it they have no money'
If you remember I sent XH an email reminding him that legally he had to tell me where my S17 is living. He chose to ignore that email and so I had to ask S17 himself.
'The script' is a very apt phrase. Did you ever read the book of the same title? Very interesting
It is amazing how close they follow the script.
Even though they hide their misery, it is apparent to the children what the true deal is. This takes time though.
I choose not to focus on my ex and her living arrangements as long as the kids are taken care of.
That's one of the reasons I haven't updated my thread. I focus on what I can control.
Trusting,
Except insofar as it concerns your kids, it does not really matter.
Well, I take that back. It does matter in the sense that you see a certain fulfillment of the situation, perhaps a closure.
But in some ways, I think it would pain me even more because X still chose that situation over me. With that said, I have no idea what he is up to and am trying to wean myself away from caring.
Cagz, I agree w/Snodderly--you are not being stupid. I hope you are able to do something nice for yourself. I am going to do some adult things over the holidays--clubs and such, which I cannot do w/little D.
I believe I will be more rested and hopefully have energy to pursue a new job.
It is a hard time for many people, let alone to have the added complications of divorce, sigh.
trusting - your x is ahead of mine on the timeline... wonder if my x will ever "show" the physical aspects. i know physically he wears it (is ill often) but that is really nothing new to him.. he was sickly when we were married.
ur x must be going nuts.. and they are so stinkin stubborn!! Good grief!! too stubborn to get help.. that is something i will NEVER ever understand.. I never have understood that. If you hurt/if you are sick... GET HELP!!
just strange to me.
midlife/aging/raising kids/ letting go of our older kids... it is all so much to handle some days.
hugs to you!!
Forward,
I don't think they choose their situation over us. I think that they believe a fantasy and when they actually pursue this fantasy they realize, "oops this is not what I wanted". By then it is too late and their pride stops them from returning to their families or they are so entrenched with other woman and her life.
The Ml'ers emotions supercede their logic, they simply don't think.
absolutely true. 100% in my case. And then by the time they decide it's not so fun on the flip side then their spouse may have endured so much pain and damage that the relationship is no way salvagable. Now, some lbs are far santlier than I am, and that's not the case with them. : )
Or the LBS finally sees them are they truly are.
dont know.. i do agree with trusting about pride.
by coming back they admit wrong.. and that takes humility.. and healing...
healing healing healing.. goodness
I think they become a little mentally ill along the way
they have a hard time seeing reality for what it is
they lie so much , they believe their lies
There is no way out, maybe until the light hits at the end of the tunnel
for some never
maybe the ow staying or leaving has to do with it maybe not
how weird is it
that they dont want us to know their address
shame?
I loved that book the script
at the end when someone was planning on leaving the wife, the other man who was already left wife and remarried told him
try to work it out
that said it all
peace
Peace,
I agree about the mentally ill part, mine looks mentally ill. He has even dyed his hair red.... weird
That's a good question. Why don't they want us to know where they live? My WAS did the same thing.
Is it shame?
Trusting, my H died his hair red at one point too (it has been several different strange shades). I don't know about the keeping their location a secret. Maybe a control thing? My H still lives at home, but he has kept the most inane things a secret (or so he thinks, so much information just falls into my lap if I just sit and wait). With him, my guess is he is trying to maintain that "control" over his life and that feeling that he is single and free again without having to answer to anyone but who knows.
That's a good question. Why don't they want us to know where they live? My WAS did the same thing.
Is it shame?
Who knows for sure.
If MLC is about childhood issues then perhaps it's because they are scared, confused, hurt, souls with low self esteem trying to deal with reality using the only tools they have.
In the past it's worked for them. Little do they know it's not really working. Changing everything on the outside to fix something internal isn't going to work, but they have to figure out for themselves.
They don't want us around but they don't want us all the way gone either. Sounds sort of teenagerish right?
We become a threat so to speak. They don't want us to see them like this. We know the real person, they know we know this.
They do their best to mask it. Be it with anger spews, self medicating, projecting, lying, becoming control freaks or rewriting history.
They will do whatever it takes to avoid having to deal with and accept who they are and what happened to put them on this crazy journey.
Sorry for the rant
To answer your question fear plays a big part IMO.
Thanks for breaking it down, Trapt.
I'm sure you can probably add control into the mix too.
Man, sorry that sounded kind of harsh.
I do believe they can't help it and that they are dealing with things the only way they know how..... it's just a broken way.
With my H, I do think some of it is because he doesn't want to feel like I am "judging" him in any way. For example, his new set of friends is much younger than him, a totally different peer group, and I am sure he thinks I will say something about it. He does occasionally drop his guard and tell me about plans or what he has done and I do my best to shut up and not say anything, though inside I am usually rolling my eyes.
We are dammed if we do, dammed if we don't.
They still want us around, but push us away. They still love us, but hate what we represent. They think freedom is the answer, but still miss the family unit.
Fear is a big part of my ex. I saw so much fear when he was still living here. I felt sorry for him, but could not help him.
Ex sent me an email today asking about the Holiday schedule. He does this every Christmas. It is in our divorce decree, but he still asks.
Mine sent an email about presents for the kids... he really doesn't know what to get them and has to get my ok on one for s21 (new phone - will cost me more $$).
i wonder if my x even knows where the divorce decree is!!
They still want us around..... They still love us...They think freedom is the answer, but still miss the family unit.
I don't think my XH either wants me around or loves me. As for the family unit he is just recreating it with someone else.
You can copy something, but it is never like the original.
that was awesome t... absolutely true!!
Thanks Cagz...
I believe it to be true. They are fake so they find another fake in hopes that they will make something real. It does not work that way.
not like the original
and usually 10 x worse when you are dealing with OW who are usually much younger and many of them were pulled to sucessfull H and after a free meal ticket
it cant work
was it really love and will it work after the initail stages of lust?
it is doubtfull but I wish xh and ow the best
hopefully xh will find God and follow the path
I pray for him and that he will one day be a good father again
Peace
Same here peace. I wish mine would be a good father again. Our children deserve that much.
Well my ex is at it again. Yesterday I returned an email to ex asking him not to email me at work anymore. It is too much of a distraction and he is always trying to just upset me and push my buttons. I have decided to set this as one of my boundaries. If it is regarding the kids, then he can text me via phone. Other than that, there is no real need for him to contact me.
I was going to take my daughter to see Santa this morning. He had agreed to this previously. He texted me this morning that she would not be going because something suddenly came up.
Here we go.....
Trusting,
He is punishing you for your email advising him not to post to you at work. He's acting like a spoiled two year old.
I'm very sorry that he's taking it out on your little one. Is there any way that you can take her? I really would love to ring your xh's chimes over this.
Hey Trusting, I see your ex is still bitter too. Ridiculous!
Anyway, I hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday season!
Thanks everyone, ridiculous isn't it. He never use to be such a game player, but now....
Anyway, my daughter comes home tomorrow and I will take her to the mall to see Santa.
I am actually glad you get to take her to see Santa. it is something precious and special and he is a puke right now... wish he would come out of his funk for your kids too. they are so stinkin' self-centered..
I wish mine would be a good father again
Mine fully intends to be BUT with his new child not the ones he already has.
ACJ,
I can relate to that. My ex is great with OW's kid, he does everything with him and provides well for him.
That alone makes me want to puke.
I think we are all in puking mode right now T. Serious. I personally really want to just move on from him but it is close to impossible... my freakin' heart is still linked. DUMB! But it is..
How is your son? How did his first semester of college go?
How about #2 what is she doing with herself?
And little one... is she excited for Christmas?
Cagz,
My kids are all doing great. My son is home for Christmas and he has been wonderful. My family got together tonight and we had a lot of fun. In the evening the kids went to ex's and will return to me Christmas night. During the gathering, ex texted my daughter and asked her how it was going.
This is my 4th Christmas without ex, every one gets a little better.
God Bless everyone and Merry Christmas.....
Merry Christmas Snodderly...
So happy for you that your son is home! it is wonderful when they come back isn't it??!! Mine leaves tonight to go back to his place.. he has to work tomorrow but has been here and wonderful.
d13 is with her dad.. and as with you -- each year gets better.
Merry Christmas .... wonder what we will be like next year T??!!
Well I had a surprising turn of events today.
Ex's family celebrates Christmas today. Out of the blue and very unexpectantly, my kids decided they did not want to go.
I have been gearing up for this for months. Every year they go off with ex and I feel sad that I am missing out on their joy. They decided that they did not want to leave me. I encouraged them to go, telling them how much everyone wants to see them. They decided to stay home. I am in shock.....
Trusting,
I have found it really fascinating what my kids will and will not do with H. Like you I encourage them, but they have their own opinions and the last thing I want to do is make them think that their judgement is faulty in some way.
I am glad you have your kids today.
HUGS
Thanks Grace,
for those of you who think that your kids will never see the whole picture and understand who the parent is who is safe, secure, and stable, it does turn around. I am not perfect, but I am not in the throes of self-centeredness.
That is so awesome T!! So many years you have had to "bite" hold and stay "up".. SO GLAD that you got to be blessed!!!
My D19 saw the 'bigger picture' way back when. She has tried repeatedly (usually at my request) to put things right between XH and her but you know what every time she does he hurts her even more. So now she doesn't bother with him at all. She has not visited him whilst she has been home, she did not buy him a present (her choice) and is celebrating the fact that her soon to be new sister did not arrive on Christmas Day. It used to bother me terribly that D19 and XH had no relationship as they used to be so close but it is him that has destroyed that not just by his action of leaving the family but the way in which he has treated her since. The last straw for her was when she went to visit D14 at his house. He asked if she had gone to see him and she was honest and said no. The result was that he frog marched her out of his house and told her not to come back unless it was to see him. Consequnetly she has taken him at his word.
I'm now just waiting for my other two children to become mature enough to see how he has manipulated them.
Laying low and holding on to my faith and keeping dark. That about sums up my sitch right now. Ex backing off on seeing the kids. Picks them up occassionally, but for short periods of time.
Trusting dont you find that the ex's back off from the kids when they dont get there own way, I have found that with my son, ex is full on when son doing and going where dad suggests, but if he says no then contact droops, these exes are like real spoilt brats xx
Mandy what you describe is exactly what my XH used to do. In fact the main reason D14 agreed to spend a week at a time with him was b/c that was the only way she could be assured of getting regular attention from him.
I am finding that the less contact I have with ex, the less he has with the kids. He also cannot handle any rejection from the kids. If they question his behaviors, he backs off from whoever did the questioning. So yes, they are like spoiled brats. If they don't get their way they act soooo very immature.
Trusting...I agree. I think the kids DO see the truth in all as time plays out.
My REAL comment tho': I admire that you encouraged your children to see their father in spite of their desires NOT to. That shows how much you love your children. You put your own fears of being without them...of being alone, aside.. and, you put them first.
THAT...is what CHRISTMAS is all about. Look at you :-).
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
FIB
we are really changing aren't we????????
Faith,
Happy New Year to you also.
I have had not much to report since I have gone completely dark. Ex has left me alone and not having drama in my life anymore is simply wonderful.
Kids came home today from a weekend with ex and bimbo. My daughter reported to me that ex is upset that I am not talking to him. She said that ex wants me to know that "he is not trying to get back with me", he just wants to give and get updates on the kids. What an idiot. I wanted that too, but ex was always lying, abusive, blaming, namecalling, etc... when we would talk.
Trusting, It seems that you get reports from your kids.
Have you thought about refusing to let them get in the middle like that--just tell them you do not want to hear anything about X?
Forward,
I have told them this, but somehow ex's messages matter more.
I just listen and change the topic.
Personally I think it's really important to let our children talk about the WAS when they want to. Most of them don't really know how to deal with their own feelings and are just testing the water to see if we are strong enough to help them too whilst dealing with our own problems. I think they use 'messages' from the X b/c it's the only way they know how to bring that person into the convo.
Trusting, as you know from my sitch it as been very hard with my son and his dad, they have been back in touch since July last year, I told son he is 15 years old now and is old enough to make his own decisions in life etc, regarding his dad, whenever dad asks son to do something he always tells him that he will have to ask me, i have told son he doesnt have to ask me unless he as a problem with what dad is asking him to do, I just think that all this crap makes the kids feel so awkward and its like they dont want to upset the apple cart so to speak, ie they dont want to cause problems and upset between us supposedly adults. yes also son comes and reports back to me, not so much about ex's wifey but he tells me about him and dad, I just feel sorry for the kids, after all the only thing they wanted was mum and dad to be together and have a happy childhood, I suppose in a way these kids still believe that mum and dad will get back together and they try to some extent to be matchmakers from heaven x
it is sad for our lkids
as time goes on , it seems worse for them
having to oiece together the information that the WAS is a totally unavailable parent and deficient in many ways
and in reality these kids know they have only one parent who is there
and thsat is sad especially for many years they had 2
but hopefully they will be able to mature without major scars
again it is so out of our hands
I worry more about them as time goes on as for us many of us will find our way
they are left with the scars//maybe forever
caused by their dads
peace
well said peacetoday, I agree wholeheartedly
Well said both Mandy and Peace,
I hate it that my ex's baggage had to affect my kids. It is so not fair and prior to the MLC, so much not what my ex would have wanted. He wanted so much better for his children. Now he just rationalizes that 1/2 of all families divorce. So sad.
Trusting,
It has been such a long time since you have really talked w/X...do you think he has peeked out a bit? It seemed as if that was indeed the case....
He might be peeking out. I don't know. Are you suggesting I have contact with him?
No, just wondering if you had seen any progress.
And Trusting, I mean not just for your X but for you as well!
Yeah I see a little progress.
Today my daughter told me that he has a message for me. The message is, "tell your mother that I think she is ugly"......
Delete the top line...
I tell you he is getting maturer by the day
Trusting,
I'm so sorry, but I had to fall over laughing at his message. Instead of progressing, he's regressing. That message was suppose to push your buttons into reacting and then contacting him. Whatever you do, don't do it. You've been doing so well w/the nc.
They will do everything in their power to get us to respond/react to them. Children at play!
snodderly have to say I agree I too fell over when I read his message, I thought it was going to be something serious, but then again on thinking about it, is this ex's way of finding out if daughter does in fact report back to trusting, they are sneaky, I have had it in the past when ex as wanted to know if and how I find things out, and sometimes he has slipped up and expected me to know things I dont know, they are just weird
T I assume this message was delivered via your younger daughter. If so that was a terrible way to treat a 4yr old. he should be ashamed of himself.
My X is suddenly being extremely nice to me on account of the fact that S17 is spending a large amount of time with me. He must be sweating under his collar wondering whether I'm still going to be around to help him and new wifey pay thier new mortgage
T, it is appalling that he uses your D to transmit such things, as you know she would not make that up. I am sorry.
I hate to say it, but hearing such a comment would still hurt me, which makes me realize I'm still not as far along as i would like to be.
Keep up the NC, Trusting. I think it is the only way to get out of the parent role.
Thanks everyone. This message was so idiotic. He actually had my 15 year old daughter deliver the message. My daughter said, "mom, I think something is wrong with him". I told my daughter that she did not have to deliver these messages to me if she did not want to. She was more concerned about ex's state of mind than anything. I did not ask her to deliver a message back, there is no need to respond to that. No contact it is..... If anything, ex is destroying his relationship with his daughter. He is angry that I will not see or hear him at this time.
T I've said all along our Xs are very similar. My X has barely spoken to my D19 in virtually the entire 4yrs he has been gone purely b/c she has had the guts to tell him that she doesn't agree with what he has done and that he has treated me badly. On Monday she went to see her new half sister for the first time. Not b/c she wanted to see her dad and OW but b/c she doesn't want the child to grow up not knowing who she is. She said the atmosphere between them was very strained. She didn't see OW at all b/c she had gone to bed as she was tired (it was 10am in the morning but I understand the baby screams all day and most of the night
). D19 was under the impression that this was just a ruse. How weird is that; a first time mother not wanting to be in the room when her daughter is introduced to her half sister. If I were in her shoes (which I would never put myself there in first place) then I would want to show off my baby not sneek away. ON the other hand I'm glad she did vacate the room b/c D19 dislikes her even more than she dislikes her dad.
ACJ,
I am sorry you have to go through this. Do you think OW was not around because of guilt? Embarrassment?
Probably both but that's for her conscience. Mine is clear.
acj
I cant imagine the shame this new baby will feel as she grows up
and either Not being told the truth or half truth about her parents
aqnd our spouses the messes they create starting a new family when they have responsibilities toward their first family and kids
what a Mess!
T
My first thoughts about your ex message was
How old is he??
he has regressed and they still blame us
MY xh is thousands of miles away and I havnt spoken to him in months
I do not miss him--im glad he is gone
I am adjusting and I know he is still blaming me
and him anf his wife will continue to blame me until he wakes up if ever which I doubt at this point
peace
Peace,
My ex husband blames me for his debt. That blows my mind. The right hand does not see what the left and is doing.
Oh my ex tries to play psychological warfare with my kids in order to get to me. My d4 has told me many times, "Daddy says if you ever get married to another man he won't be our daddy anymore". Yep. Can we say, what a winner he is???? And btw, he's "engaged" so does that mean I won't be her mother anymore. Ummmmm, I think not.
yes, you are the one that went on vacations - spent for new this and new that.. yep.. thats what I heard from trusting over the past few years!!
DORK!
Cagz,
Where the heck have you been?
Hey T.
I have been lurking and healing.
I see your dork is still a dork and mine is so far off in the distance I don't know "where he is" I will email you.
Hugs
cagz
I have the kids for the next 3 weeks.... Yeah.
Ex is going on another vacation with bimbo. I lost track what number this is.
You know, T, going on vacation with someone you don't really like is not fun.
i sit here and laugh... this from the man who wanted to lower his child support to you... AHHHHH
well cool. YOU get your kiddos!!
Forward,
I wish I could say for sure if he liked her or not.
Message number two from ex through my 15 year-old daughter.
Ex wants to know why I act so happy when I really am not. Ex has not seen me since November. Ex told my daughter that I am fake and surely am miserable without him.
I think this speaks volumes about him....
Hahaha. Yeah. Surely you MUST be miserable without him. And he has to get your D to tell you that. Wow.
OMG! He is a nut case! He's describing himself, not you. The projections are very strong here and it sounds like he's about to pop! He's doing everything he can to push your buttons to get you to react and respond to him. Gosh, he' worse than a 2 yr old.
Stay the course and I'm very sorry he's sending this messages through your children. What a pathetic nut case.
Please take care of yourself.
Thanks Snodderly,
My plan is to continue to stay away from him. He is tantruming unbelieveably and I am just going to sit back and watch.
Is this typical MLC stuff?
T
I think the x is confused
after all they were the ones to leave to find happiness
they had the women
the money the fun
only problem is somehoe they didnt find the happiness
instead,
we got that\
it blows them away
when I compare my life to my x
I didnt ask for anything
I only wanted hiom to return
but God saw it different
integrity is the way I beleive to happiness
Our xh will only find it there
problrn is they went the other path
peace
Trusting,
WOW love the messages he sends! WHAT A NUT JOB!!
Question for you.. how do you NOT see him? I would LOVE for it to be that way but x picks up and drops off d13 every other weekend.
When he drops off he walks her to the door carrying her stuff. That I can usually pretty much avoid. BUT the arrival I have tried but can't. (meaning when he comes to get her). I think this spring/summer I will be able to be outside working on the yard..but my home doesnt' allow for "staying away".
(meaning the way it is designed.)
So how have you not seen him? MAN I actually envy this!! I would LOVE TO not see him.. FOR ME.. NOT for him. (which is yet another switch in all of this!)
Trusting, Your plan to stay away sounds like a good one. My plan is the same.
Maybe he is starting to realize that he can't blame you for all his problems.
What was it that made you think you saw progress?
As far as liking the OW, you got a glimpse into their unhappiness. Sounds as if it is a matter of time w/your X now.
The fact that he still needs to lash out at you when you haven't done anything to him is telling.
T I sincerely hope that your daughter's reply to XH was was of course she is happy; why wouldn't she be. She has her children in her life.
And Trusting...the fact that he sends these messages through your kids is awful. But you already knew that....
Things were calm for so long, but since I went completely dark he seems to be spiraling out of control. I set it up so on the days my kids go to him, he has to pick them up at school, not the house. He drops them off at the house and my older daughter helps the younger one in the house. Ex was told last year some time to not enter the home and he has abided by it. He lets them off on the driveway and then leaves. It actually works out quite smoothly and the kids prefer it this way. They do not have to anticipate any tension.
Ex has been informed by my children that my life is going good. He also sees that last month I added a deck on the back of the house and now am working on getting the basement remodeled. He sees the trucks and the workmen.
Prior to this MLC, he thought I was helpless with this kind of stuff. My life has gone on without him and he is very confused.
My life has gone on without him and he is very confused
Yes I'd go so far to say that my XH is actually jealous that I've moved on in my life while he has gone backwards 20 years. There is no other way that I can explain the spewing that comes every time he finds out something new about me
Same here ACJ. Jealousy is a big part of the MLC, it is somewhat pathological. Their plan to destroy failed and it hurts there sense of control not to mention their ego.
Wow.. you guys are awesome!! What I love about all of this is that we are all moving forward and none are being cruel or even "intentional" to get reactions or anything.
You guys are fantastic! AND so strong!!
I am experiencing something in the last week that I have not had to endure thus far in this MLC journey- rage.
My rage.
This is the first time in this crisis I am sooooo angry at him for EVERYTHING.
Prior to this I was just in deep emotional pain, disbelief, shock, etc....
I am struggling with these feelings and fighting the urge to call him or go to his office and just chew him a new butthole.
This is really tough. I've been there off and on. Don't open your mouth to him until you cool down even if that takes weeks. You'll just be sorry later. You might have to wind up buying some books about anger management and forgiveness. The forgiveness books teach you how to forgive for yourself. Basically so you do not get eaten alive with rage and anger.The "seeing stars" does pass. Then it comes back. Then it passes and so on. Hope you feel better soon.
Thanks rr22. I hate how I feel. I have never been this betrayed before. I am going to try to start reading and meditating on this anger thing. I even find myself fantasizing revenge..
I've gone way past feeling any emotion for my XH. My councillor once told me that if you hate someone it's good because it means you still have feelings for someone and that love and hate are the opposite ends of the same emotion. So guess that means I no longer love him either.
T-
I think it is part of the process of grieving. Feel it .. but dont react to it. You have been so strong for so long.
What would you tell me? First you would say it is ok. Then you would say dont be so hard on yourself.
It is all a process of grieving. You WERE betrayed and he continues to be a butthole. AND I think it is liek "at what cost" bone head?? you know?
I understand .. we all od. Breathe.. READ and PRAY. Allow yourself permission and find positive outlets.
i am here if you need me.
Well Bon Voyage, my ex departs on his cruise tomorrow with OW. I will have my kids for at least 2 weeks straght without any interuptions from my MLC maniac. I so look forward to this and so do they. It is amazing what makes me happy now.
Wishing all of you a wonderful weekend
Trusting,
Yes, it is very typical of the mlcer to act like he has been, especially the childish comments that he sends on via your children. Since he is a child right now and you are the adult, continue to ignore those comments.
As for his trip, I wonder if he'll get out of the area with all of the bad weather everyone is having today.
T
sometimes I look at my kids
how amazing and beautiful they are
how their Father abandoned them
two innocent children
abandoned for his selfish bs
I am so grateful that I have the benefit of being with thwm
what a gift
as for him
sad
I can also work myself into a rage over his choices
then I think he has called in his own hell
I do not wish it on him..it is his
I let go
I have too much to be grateful for
no time to waste
you are there 2
peace
Trusting....Have you ever read or seen Dr. Gray's book, Venus and Mars, Starting Over? I highly recommend it if you haven't.
There is still too much focus on H and not enough on you. There is a tendency here on DB, this thread included, to label the WAS as crazy, in MLC land, he'll get his, etc.
My advice is to try and break free and move forward.
Yes, he is wrong to communicate thru the kids.
Yes, he may be projecting himself onto you.
Yes, it IS possible that this OW may not last.
Now..back to reality. The anger you are feeling is normal and healthy. In fact, it seems like if it took this long to come out that it was repressed and holding you back.
I have found, that, sometimes, the more we think, rationalize, analyze, etc...the worse off we are. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is to accept what happened and log it in as part of our life history, grieve it and put it up on the shelf.
Now, what about you? What are YOU going to do with your kids for 2 weeks? Are you dating? Dancing?
Stay tough.
FIB
FIB and Peace,
Thank you for your comments. It is so difficult for me not to analyze ex, that is what I do for a living so I tend to bring my work home with me.
I do feel better though when I just concentrate on myself and the kids. I seem to go back and forth on this, but am doing better every month.
Trusting, I think that both of us have done better when we have stayed dark.
I too want to analyze and have a hard time resisting. For example, I can't help but find it interesting that several of us in similar timeframes have seen behavior improvements.
Part of me has not yet let go.
I thought I was seeing behaviour improvements. Until today when the illusion crashed
forward - trusting,
i am finding that i let go in layers. strange really. more layer recently. and they are kinda painful.
Hey Trusting! hope you are doing well.
Things here are so uneventful it is almost boring!!
Think of you all the time.
Your friend
Cagzmom
Thanks Cagz,
I have been doing a lot of praying this week. Ex is on a cruise with OW and should be home today. Kids feeling bad because they have not heard from him at all. It is hard to see their pain.
it is so hard t.
no words for that is there?
Happy Valentines day to you!! you are loved!
Hi trusting....and Cagz...I dont post a thread but have been on the board for years and your timelines are both close to mine...bomb 2005....ow and torment...2007 files for divorce oct 2008 final..this weekend marries the OW ..the same one...a long plan....to try and look like there was no one else to enough time after the D...oh well fought the good fight....so sad....so hard to understand what the ow has when it seems they left so much..we did have a tradgey with our oldest son though so I know that is huge trigger for going off the deep end.....the remarriage is a hard one....so unbelievable
Grace,
I am sorry you are going through this. I anticipate mine will marry OW soon, I am just waiting for the announcement. How are you coping?
Grace
mine also M OWlast summer
It was hard to see and hear about it
it did bring me the gift of final closure
anything is always possible but for this camper the wait is over
peace
Grace, I am so sorry. I have come to this wierd place where some days I just dont know what to say anymore. You guys have just gone through so very very much.
So thankful for this board.. so thankful.
yes it is kind of weird how with all the horrible feelings there is also a freeing feeling. I really prayed hard about standing for the marriage got involved in a marriage reconcilation group....studied the Bible so hard on what it says about marriage, divorve and remarriage. I came to a place of understanding that even the most educated Bible scholars disagree about the remarriage and if it is ok to remarry and I dont mean for them the adultrey people thats pretty crustal clear...I mean of course they can be forgiven but I am clear you cant have adultrey and leave you wife with no repentance or sorrow or even to see if you can reconcile the marriage for me when he told me there was a problem she was already in the picture....and it surprised me that he coudlnt get back.....I understand so much more now about childhood issues..( mine had major ones and then our own tragedy...but I still believed...but yes it is freeing..I can tell you there is nothing in me that wants a man that has left his family and married the OW and trys to appear to everyone like he is an upstanding man.....there is no bigger turn off to me marring your mistress in I think a CHURCH EVEN and I think she attends regularly ( that is so hard for me to put my head around ---so many fakes out there )....I leave it with the Lord and will go forward loving my boys...what a journey but agree this brings closure..pretty swiftly actually after a long long road..... so I think I am good he isnt who I thought he was or who he used to be at least....I lost so much, he played me like a fiddle, financially and emotionally, some life lessons are hard..
Wow grace thanks for responding. Your ex and OW sound so much like mine. My ex pretends he is a devout Christian man. OW also talks to my children about "good Christian values", can you imagine? I have to fight my anger daily and pray and pray.
They are pretenders in this crazy world. What bothers me so much is that they are so good at it. People believe that he is a wonderful man.
He has never shown any real remorse and I don't think I will ever get any.
My pastor is doing a series on about Christian World View and truly only 8 - 9 % of Christians have a Biblical view, meaning that is the percentage that look to the Bible when making life decisions. The sad part is all the churches out there doing second and 3rd marriages for the adultreous spouses. Although I heard they usually lie when questioned about why their marriage ended.
The hardest part is our kids and what this is teaching them....I think my boys know my X doesnt really rely on God for his direction. Its just so hard when the world is so hard and you want your family to be a safe place for you kids.....and divorce creates such a mess. We can only do the best we can to uphold the values and behaviours we want modeled to our kids and leave the rest with God.
I mean you H and OW even are living together...???? and playing that game...althoug really what does etting married mean to these kind of people??? the bible says if you leave your spouse and remarry another you are committing adultrey. I have heard people actually say yes, but then you ask to be forgiven....I am like what??????? ok Dear God I stole this mans wife and I am marrying her and by the way dumping my faithful wife of 22 years. Please God forgive me, all is good now????? I cant even say it without laughing......I guess confess your sin is good but the turn from it is twisted becuase they think if they marry they arent sinning ...but the bible is clear it says if you Marry after divorcing for any reason other than unfaithfullness you are committin adultrey....( then add a spouse wh you left who wanted to reconcile and do what ever to save the family -- and also a real decent person and loving wife and Mom..... Oh well like isnt fair I guess thats a lesson we can pass on to our kids...
Today my daughter called me at work after she got home from school. She is 15 and just started her first day of behind the wheel. Anyway, she said that she had been doing a lot of thinking lately and has decided that anyone who cheats on their spouse when they are married is a low-life. She said that she just realized that what I had went through had to be horrible and she was sorry I had to experience that in my life.
One of her friends from drivers ed had just discovered that her boyfriend was having sex with another girl. She had been crying in the car about it. This situation had of course caused my daughter to think about what had happened to our family. --- out of the mouths of babes. What is so sad is that our children's lives are tainted and forever changed because of our ML'ers.
Yes they are. Greatly. We can hope that they learn from the mistakes of the wayward spouse and do better in their own lives.
Trusting, I guess I should prepare for that as well. (possible M to OW)
Increasingly, I tell myself it doesn't matter. It would still hurt, though.
t, what a wonderfully sweet ur daughter is!!
yes- the reality of what our kids have been through makes them grow up sooner then they should.. but I also have to believe that GOD Himself will use this FOR the GOOD of all of us...and our kids are part of that!!! HOW? I dont know.
Bless you Trusting.
i think my XH is saying he wishes now that he divorced me before getting the girlfirend that he hid for 2 years and then introduced as "friends" ...I guess what else would he say ....So that is his story and he is stickin to it....I should have divorced your Mom long ago....this is the gift that keeps on giving.....
Grace, I am sorry that you are hearing that.
Grace,
Mine says the same thing. He told the kids that the only big mistake he made was not divorcing me before he dated OW----duh..... He tells all our close friends that too.
He is so happy he finally found his soulmate.
I thought for sure that ex would have proposed at Valentines Day. I was expecting it since they went on a romantic cruise together. Kids would have mentioned it by now.
I often think about how I will react when that happens. I think it will hurt me like hell.
Trusting, I too am always waiting to hear that my ex and ow are getting married or having a baby. I think it will hurt like hell, but not sure why, as I no longer want my ex back. I think it's just hard knowing you have been replaced.
I think it may just be worse than the divorce being final...I kept hearing that when they get their divorce they then have time to figure out that didnt make their problems go away and u have every hope against hope ( based on what you thought you had with them ) that they will wake up, tire of the OW, tire of all the lies and get a clue --- but when they remarry the same women they left you for, it feels like a plan they had all along.....and as far as the kids....mine didnt tell me.....long story but even after i found out about the engagement, I think there was effort put into my x to make me believe the wedding was going to be in the summer...who knows why.....it all feels like it doesnt matter and all of your married life previously feels like a lie....it all hits again...and u wonder ..am I normal??? what is wrong with me...why am I not one of those people that hear about OW and are kicking them to the curb...I truly never thought about this situation happening to us...but imagine if it had ....that would have been me....so here I am.....moving on and forward....thinking ...what happened ? Pretty sure I will never ever really get it....
I believe I will hurt in such a situation, too, but I believe that this is where we are all too focused on the X. It doesn't matter what they do--we cannot control it. It doesn't matter. They do not control our lives either.
We have to focus on building our own happinesses now. It is hard to have it hurt too much when our own lives are fulfilling and happy. So that is where I am focusing.
I've been tracing through my past, learning about myself and trying to figure out how to have a better future relationship, and I think this is truly a path to healing. I don't anticipate having a future R w/X, beyond what is essential, but I do want to have a positive future R with someone. I am not quite ready for that, but I am also feeling pretty happy with my life right now.
i used to think about my x asking original ow to marry him.. really thought he would.. my sister used to say this..
WHY would he get married.. that means he would be held accountable...
it is just a thought. and I like you all think it would be/may be one of the most painful things that happen through all of this loss!
I agree, I don't think I will ever get either. I have just accepted that I will not have the type of closure I wanted from ex, but I have to make my own closure.
The MLC situation is pretty insane, it does not make a whole lot of sense. I spent so much time trying to fit it into some sort of logic.... it did not work. It still does not.
I wonder how the OW can even function. I truly believe as time goes on and they see our prince charmings as the true men they are, some type of guilt has to set in and cause life long damage.
I'd like to give you an insight into the mlcer and the ow w/marriage. My xh married his "exit" affair partner. When I met her in 2000, she was slim, but not model slim, just average, hair was well kept, etc. Recently I caught a photo of her on the net and trust me, she'll never see 110 again. She is grossly over weight, hair has thinned out, she's had her hair cut in a style that I use to wear, glasses, exactly like the ones I use to wear a long time ago.
As for the xh, he is obese, not just grossly over weight, but obese, looks tired and sad, not one sparkle in the eyes and is constantly on the net. Continues to cry "poor me" to me when he touches down to earth periodically and plays the happy camper to all of his new friends. Oh, he still lies about everything.
There are several things they have in common: drinking, partying and the internet.
This is their happiness in life. They aren't functioning in the real world...they escape to fantasy island as soon as they can.
although I have had no contact with my xh in afe months
I heard from his mother
he is a mess
M to OW 6 months
OW is a liar and MIL hates her
MIL told xh to leave and not look back when he visited her in december
so no XH is M to ow
on unemployment
heard he was drinking again ( He was a sober/recovering alcoholic 20 years in AA)
so his new M obviously did not help him
they rae on their own path some to destruction
It seemas many of the OW do not have high enough standards to encourage spiritual growth in the MLC
so they oick someone maybe on the teenage level also rebelling and together create what they will
peace
Peace and Snodderly,
Thank you for those insights, they are so revealing and reflective of all the damage they have done.
Snodderly, I can't believe your ex is still lying and acting so poorly. How many years has it been? He must be one of those who never gets out of the crisis? Is that your interpretation?
Trusting,
My xh walked out in December 1999 and I've been divorced since June 2002. After he walked out the second time in December 1999, I pegged him as being one of those that will remain stuck for the rest of his life.
Yes, he continues to lie to this very day and every email is about him, how sick he is, etc. Yet, I can do a google search on him and there he is....all over the net talking about what he's doing, concerts, races, baseball and football games that he has or is attending. The man is just stuck and is in a holding pattern.
Well, I wish I had some sense or knowledge that perhaps the grass wasn't greener, but nothing I see or hear seems to indicate that there is anything for me to believe that X isn't happier (insert stompety stomp).
However, if we believe that people seek those of similar maturity levels, then I figure that that says a lot. X's OW is much younger than most on this board and also less mature. I believe the same is true of X. He never fully launched into adulthood.
forward,
I couldn't have said it better....my xh never launched into a mature man either. Any time a grown man at the age of 45 sits in the middle of the floor by himself and plays w/matchbox cars, there is a problem.
BTW, you might want to read Jenny Sanford's book. She actually mentioned that her xh had a midlife crisis. I found her book quite good.
I saw JS interviewed.
If people seek out similar maturity levels, though, we have to note that WE were with them, too.
I notice that many people--including JS in my opinion--were the overfunctioners in the R. Yes, our spouses disintegrated...however, we controlled. We need to learn how to stop caretaking and be responsible for ourselves. Just as they have to learn that same lesson.
I totally agree with you on this. However, we may not have started out as "controlling" or "caretakers", but somewhere along the way, the work and responsibilities tended to fall to us to pick up. These are definitely lessons we all need to learn...
Snodderly,
Thank you for sharing about ur x. Mine is living the same world as urs. I am not sure about the the net as i have stopped googling him.
but I do know that he goes from woman to woman - we are now on #3 that has been introduced to d13 and I think he has had 5 or 6 "relationships" since bimbo #1.
stuck - yep some of them get stuck.
Cagz,
I'm sure your kids have a hard time taking your ex seriously....
It is destructive and immature to introduce women into the lives of our children that are 'passersby'. THAT...I think is inexcusable.
Letting go of what we had is so very difficult. Accepting that someone else has taken our place is even more difficult. But...if we see value in our own lives and do our best to avoid being a victim or continually finding blame within ourselves, it gets easier to go forward.
The tools that we used in the past were given to us as kids. We learn and, hopefully, get better tools to work with. You can and WILL fall in love again TRUSTING...when you are ready to do so.
Supporting you.
FIB
FIB I agree that acceptance is not something that any of us do easily. However, as someone whose XH has married his bimbo and fathered a child with her what I wish is that they (and especially OW) would concentrate on the child they have together instead of insisting that OW now have equal say in what happens to my children. The word stepmother is becoming somewhat an expletive in this household at least.
Faithisbelieving,
I appreciate your support, I hope you are right.
ACJ,
How could she think she has any say so with your children, let me at her.
yes - THIS IS THE HARDEST ONE OF ALL the ow around your kids....I am so sorry to say that when my thoughts are less than pure I think how would my XH like it if I had a Step Father for my son.....I could have done that but couldnt bare that for my kids, besides what I believe about marriage and divorce! Nothin is ever the same in the second family and so unfair for the kids......i shutter to think my son is there when they go off to bed at night. it just gets no better than this and DIVORCE IS HELL and REMARRIAGE IS HELL TIMES TWO FOR THE KIDS...ITS A MESS....all of this as a lovely example as my son is starting to date at 17 almost 18.....what a great example he now has as he goes into relationships....
Grace,
I agree with you totally. The worse part of this mess is the OW around my kids. OW is trying to teach my kids "christian values", she vacations with them, and goes to all their special events. IT is very difficult to act as if this does not bother me. My ex watches my every move during these times. I sense he would love for me to go irate so he could say, "see I told you she was crazy".
Ex apparently wants to talk with me about another vacation he wants to go on with the kids and OW. It does not bother me half as much as it use to but still gives me that twinge in the pit of my stomach.
T-- wow had a huge OH YEAH.. when reading ur post. YOU ARE RIGHT ON.. about the justificatoin.. they are waiting for us to loose it.. but we won't. nope. better than that.
ur x is unbelievable.. i know hte pain you speak of.. i happened to come by soemthing of x's today.. my own fault by I saw "into" his life.. i had been so far removed for so long i had not fogotten but not experienced the heartsag/stomach pit stuff.. ugh..
having ow around ur kids would be horrible. it was hell on me as well. no words...
hugs
watching u - knowing that GOD has great plans for you Trusting.
cant wait till we share the new stories in our life.
you have been such a strong leader, friend, mother and daughter.. tell people about our friendship all the time. thankful that I "met" you --
cagzmom
Hi Trusting;
I know you thought I'd ignored your question on my thread, but I missed it, somehow, and didn't see it until tonight.
Here's the answer I posted:
I'm SO sorry, Trusting; I do NOT know how I missed this one, but I did. I was reading back through the thread to see if I'd missed anything, and found your post.
Here's your answer, and again, I'm sorry.
HB,
Could you give us insight as to your interpretation of what life is with the ML'er and OW, is it typically argumentive, blissful,hell, competitive, etc...?
Could be ALL of the above, depending on who is dealing with who, Trusting.
There is a couple I know; who split up, and the Midlife man went on and married his OW. He is a friend of my husband's, and has been for the past 22 years.
He went into the tunnel in 1997; and has been there ever since.
He married his OW in 2007 or 2008..it may have been earlier than that.
This has to be the oddest marriage I have ever seen. The OW, who is no longer the OW, will NOT allow her husband to raise any cain, will NOT listen to it..and has directed him to call MY husband if he's got any complaints.
She, on the other hand, is constantly complaining about how his ex-wife is "screwing" them both..and now remember he is suffering consequences for his actions THROUGH his former LBS.
Everything the former LBS is supposed to be doing to them is legal tactics; and she has a RIGHT...but this present wife doesn't think so.
The former LBS, at one point, got after him for sticking HER with the tax bill for the last year they were married. The IRS couldn't find him, so they got her, and threatened to put a lien on her house. She paid the tax bill, but she has never let him forget that.
They DO fight quite a bit, and most of the time do not care who's present when they fight. They fight over stupid stuff and at the drop of a hat.
Both of them want it to be all fun and games, but life gets in the way, as it always does, and they fight. I've begun to think they're not happy unless they are fighting about SOMETHING.
It is stormy most of the time with them.
From what I have observed, they live their lives as teenagers, dressing like kids, acting like kids; he is around 56, she's 47. They are SO jealous of each other it's pathetic; and they're joined at the hip.
How long this will last, I have NO clue.
His children has a hard time of it; his son has pretty well come to terms with it, his daughter is another story; there is alot of damage there.
He is STILL within the tunnel..he told me a few months ago, that he was trying to make some important decisions; he's aware that I KNOW what's up with him. (He got mad at me, when I told him).
His ex-wife finally got tired of all he was doing; the wishy-washy routine, hopping between her and OW; dragging his feet about making a choice between them, and filed in 2001.
He went on with the OW.
She says it was the BEST thing she ever did. It's been a few years, now and she's remarried, having married someone MUCH better than her ex-husband ever was.
She DID go on, take her journey and learn her lessons, most, before she remarried.
I'm fairly sure ain't NONE of the MLC/OW "relationships happy..there's plenty of thorns in the "roses".
It's all based on deception, and when it's based like that, it cannot last for long..and if it does last any length of time, it's fraught with trouble, heartache, fighting..and the list goes on.
Only "kids" would half way put up with it, if it goes on for a long period of time; in my humble opinion.
The following has been drawn from memory and from the research I did before on OWs during MLC. Maybe this will ALSO answer your question in some depth:
I recall a posting that I wish I could find, but it is not here anymore called "Neurotics attract Neurotics" that pretty well detailed the relationship between MLC'er and OW.
It is my understanding that there are several types of MLC affair relationships between different MLC'ers and OWs.
The majority of the time it not about money, sex or anything of that sort for the MLC'er. According to Jim Conway; the Midlife man is looking for understanding and an emotional connection, and this whole scenario gets out of control before he knows it; ESPECIALLY if somewhere, buried deep within his heart, he doesn't intend to leave his wife in the first place.
There's a few that are looking for some "late night lusting" and may do several "one night stands". Don't know anyone who's done that.
In his mind, as he's looking for that understanding/emotional connection, his wife won't do; because he's seeing HER as the enemy, AND the one at fault(which is SO not true) so he begins a friendship with another woman, that, in time can get out of control, becoming the Midlife Affair. It can start as an Emotional type connection, and possibly NEVER go physical.
Some start up as an EA, go to a PA, because of "trickery" on the part of the OW, who is not above using sex to keep this man, because she says she "luvs" him.
Women, as a general rule, give sex to get love, and OW is like that to an extent, except she equates love with sex; and both are not the same.
Trouble is, the MLC'er doesn't have any more of a clue of what love really is than the OW does.
It is also my understanding that OW, is a woman that's just as emotionally damaged as the MLC'er is; even possibly going through MLC herself. Her agenda might be the same or even quite different from his.
She may be married, or not.
As strange as this may sound; he might NOT be looking for just a girlfriend; he may be "re-creating" a connection from long ago; and believe it or not; in his eyes, OW could take the form of his "mother"; so he can make the break once again (the same break he was unable to do when leaving his mother so long ago) this time for good. Yet, OW, while she's in the picture, can act as a band-aid, distracting him to that he doesn't look at his issues.
He doesn't have the responsibility while with her, and she's not going to pressure him about money for kids, groceries, bills and such.
In that process, Neurotics have attracted each other..and they begin using each other for different things. Neither sees it like that; and I've heard all the terms from "she's my soul mate," to "she really understands me like no one else does." To me it's a bunch of blah, blah, blah, and yadda, yadda, yadda.
Acting like a couple of teens that are SO immature.
Trouble really starts, as the "relationship" becomes close; and they start having disagreements; this comes after a period of time; most especially after the affair gets blown out into the open; whether by getting caught or by the MLC'er telling LBS what he's doing.
The MLC'er is a controller; but so is the OW; and they have fights about different issues. Depending upon how the MLC'er views the OW...their life can be stormy or relatively calm;(well, at least while they are sneaking around) neither condition should last very long, at the most, two years.
Again, it depends upon the reasoning(or lack of) BEHIND the MLC affair; and it is doubtful you'd ever find out for sure.
OW is mostly insecure(remember she's got problems, too), and tries to hold on to the MLC'er by appeasement and other tactics that eventually will wear thin.
Either that, or the MLC'er will "smother" the OW because of HIS insecurities; because he really doesn't trust her(in his moments of clarity, ANY woman who will cheat with him, will cheat ON him), being excessively jealous..and THAT puts strain on their "relationship."
A general Midlife affair can last from six months to two years; yet, they've been known to last longer, depending on both parties....and will usually dissolve as the couple starts toward the stage where a committment should take place.
Even though he's not looking at his issues, a few of his issues can be settled during the MLC affair, such as the "mother" deal, or even, as the affair is melting down, he suddenly realizes that he really DOES love his wife..this can come while he's beginning to "wake up" to the fact that he's made a mess of his life.
More fighting ensues, when he attempts to break the affair off; or even as the OW realizes this is not working and tries to do it.
You will usually have one or the other who will not let go; it is rare that both will agree to call it quits at the same time.
Since an affair is an "addiction" quite similar to a drug, it may take some time to break it up completely.
If OW breaks it off, the MLC'er will chase her, pestering her; if the MLC'er breaks it off, the OW will chase him.
It is VERY important that if the MLC'er is trying to break off his affair to just watch..or even if OW is attempting to end things.
It WILL add time, and/or make things worse if it is interfered with..believe me, I know, I made this mistake.
When the whole thing FINALLY winds down, the MLC'er will go into "OW Withdrawal" which is DIFFERENT than the stage of Withdrawal.
He MUST have time to remove her from his heart and his mind.
The patience of the LBS is tried sorely during this time; as he's processing the affair and the fallout it has caused.
As hard as it is, he must be left alone to get through; as he will be suffering greatly; this is a serious mistake he's made and a betrayal of not just his marriage, his vows and his wife, but also of himself.
I know you asked one question, Trusting, but the memories were coming back on the other, so I included BOTH in this post.
Hopefully, this will all help.
THank you for that information HB--very imformative
I spoke with my xMIL last night--she called me
all of a sudden she likes me now--never used to
she told me about OW and XH while they were there in december
she said xh ow wife used to offer xh (a recovering alcoholic of 20 years) drinks
like putting the straw of a margarita to his lips ect..he would sip it-
hes drinking now
just to show the maturtity and wisdom level of the OW
and how she needed him at her level even if it meant for him to drink again
she needed control
peace
That is so sad and pathetic peace...
ACJ and TRUSTING...I will soon D'd, like many other people here. STBXW is an attractive blue-eyed blond and I'm sure that men will pounce on her (they have already and it will be THEIR problem now). I, too, will eventually face a stepfather. The best I can do is continue to be a loving father in their lives, a role model and be available to them to listen.
I understand that,perhaps, there are different issues involved when there is a step mother in place. All I can say is, as we've already read over and over here, there are some things we can control and others we can't. WE (including myself), have no control in this department other than to maintain our own values when our children are with us.
I don't look forward to the day when a permanent OM arrives and begins to enter the lives of my kids. However, it won't be easy for her, either, when I fall in love again with another woman (which I hope happens).
Perhaps my posts will be different when I am in both your places. I think it's best to choose that Irish saying, "G-d give me the serenity........."
FIB
FIB I wish you well when and if the scenario you describe happens.
I agree with everything you say and I'm doing my best to be exactly that way. As an example I recently spent the best part of a whole week sitting in the same room as XH virtually 24/7 some days as my D14 had to have her appendix removed and she was very ill.
I was nice, I tried, in vain, to initiate conversation to lighten the atmosphere but XH was having none of it. He was moody, rude, inconsiderate and stuck with his usual dictatorial manner. I quite literally turned the other cheek and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My D14 had requested that no one visit her expcept for us but within 24hrs XH was parading OW (now wife) and XMIL into the room. It was made clear to me that I should leave the room for these two visitors. I did it for the sake of my D14.
A week later she was readmitted with a wound infection. My parents, who live away, had not seen her due to her wishes but I decided to take them to see her in hospital this time. XH was already there when we arrived. He made no move to repay the situation and neither was he asked to do so. He left 2 mins after my parents so clearly was sitting it out until they left.
As a result of other thigs that happened whilst she was in hospital I ended up asking my L to send him a letter. HE replied directly admitting that he was dictatorial but quite clearly thought he knew better than the L (which by the way he didn't).
This is the ongoing bitterness inflicted by th former WAS that some of us are still having to put up with despite everything supposedly being resolved.
Believe me it is NOT EASY to deal with.
I just dont get it.....I mean they get what they want...the divorce ..and they treat the person who has been put through hell becuase of them ...horrible....bad....they cant even be gracious.....It is just power for the course and makes no sense..you are just left with what did I ever do and then you still cant believe they behave this way..its so very odd....I dont think there is any way to understand this
FIB,
Your post was so well put. OW was in my kids life from day 1 after the bomb. Ex paraded her around like a steed in heat. I had to come to grips with this person in my children's life quickly. Looking back on those initial days, I was extremely threatened, scared and concerned about my children's sense of morality. I was worried that my kids would love this adulteress more than me. This did not happen. My kids first stated that she was nice and good for ex. As time went on, they saw her for who and what she is. Every month brings a new revelation to them about something amiss with her character. There is only one mother and one father. Unlike our ex's, our kids don't replace us. They are often much more mature and wise then our ML'ers.
My ex really really felt OW was going to replace me with the kids. I think he was hoping this would happen as another form of sick revenge of the Ml'er. He stated this directly to me.
He said he was wrong, the kids would never abandon me like his mother had abandoned him. Heavy stuff, isn't it.
I've had an amazing week. I got to experience a little more of what is going on in my Ml'ers world from an outside source. My ex's father (if people remember) was in a motorcycle accident last July. His passenger was killed who was my ex's stepmother. She died instantly. He had many surgeries, lost his spleen, a good part of his colon, etc... Anyway, due to the accident, his liver is starting to fail. Ex's OW is pressuring him to the hilt to get married, he is getting farther and farther in debt, he is miserable. I have mixed emotions about what is going on with him, but the bottom line is that it is what it is. I have no control over his life or the consequences he is and will experience due to his MLC. I am at the point where I really don't care.
It is very difficult to comprehend why they hate us so. When we are the victims in this mess. My ex's mother was the same way, eventually everyone she was close to she eventually hated. All I know is that is a sad way to live and I want no part in that.
T- sounds like your inner strength has pushed you to another level.
You know those 5 stages of greif they talk about.. isn't it interesting .. we all have gone thruogh them or are going through them. Strange how it is really.
I am glad taht you have chose not to hold onto bitterness and have moved beyond. (THOUGH I KNOW there is REAL hurt, REAL pain.. to our every day interaction etc with our x's.)
I have tried to follow your lead with no contact with my x. Really, for me, there is no need. My son is 21 and he can build what he can with x. It is not my place to create or hinder a relationship with them. (X has done enough to make the relationship cahnge.. which is sad.) D13 - she communicates with him about events in her life.. funny how she has gotten so strong.
Glad you have had a good week...
hugs.
cagzmom
I think if you choose NC, you must remember that it is good for YOU. Also, I think it is a good time to get to know yourself again. I have enjoyed this and appreciate myself again.
As far as X--I do think that it is healthy to tell yourself that the X does not matter. If you get sucked into their moods and their behavior, it just drags you down.
t is very difficult to comprehend why they hate us so. When we are the victims in this mess.
Trusting, I do not think it is good to think of ourselves as victims. I own up to some codependent behavior that was more controlling than I would like to admit. It does take two to tango. With that said, I did not deserve to be cheated on and dumped in such a crappy manner, but I figure that OW can have the
And in some ways, I am happier without X. These days are getting more frequent.
Grace- i think that's one of the prime reasons I exposed my Ex and the OM. I wanted to make sure that if they planned anything longer term it would come at a steep price. Juvenile? Yep. Immature? Yep. Vindictive? Yep. Maybe someday I will regret it but it was important and still is for me to know that she won't just saunter out of a 21 year relationship with 18 happy years to have an affair, get busted, and bolt.
As a man, my life is truly not so different than all the women here. Divorce, like cancer, is nonselective.
My daughter had a series of febrile seizures last year and STBXW dragged her mother to the ER while I was in pain over seeing my daughter, age 6, post-ictal (after a seizure). The last time, STBXW used her mother to 'show off' her 'new found i.ndependence':
-the FIB family won't run over us anymore
-I'M CALLING THE DOCTOR
-etc.
A nurse came in to scold us..or should I really say her.
My story is just cut from the same template as all of yours. It's a pattern. I could have ejected her mother from her bedside if I wanted....but...I didn't. As TRUSTING did earlier, I sacrifice for my children now, until such time as things can be handled in a way that doesn't hurt them.
My comment to the court will be, next week or so, that my love for my children far exceeds anything negative that arises from this action while STBXW's hate and disdain for me exceeds what is good and healthy for the children. I still expect the state of NY to give custody to my STBXW, but, I will know that I tried.
The best revenge, they say, is living well. The sooner you/we move on and focus on enjoying life, the quicker their dirty looks and need to be oppressive will affect you less.
Make it a priority.
FIB
I really feel that the thing that has saved me is going dark. It got to the point where I had to for my sanity, but have discovered that it has given me so much more.
Removing yourself from the physical presence of a person who has caused you so much pain is healing. It lets you focus more "forward" than "backward". It puts the control and power back into your life. It makes you realize that you can live totally and completely without your Ml'er. It no longer allows you to be a scapegoat or a doormat for your ML'er. He has to to find another person for this job, and usually it is the OW. It makes the Ml'er look within, hopefully. I wish that I would have gone dark at the very beginning, but hindsight is 20/20.
I think the 'scapegoat' in my sitch is my children. Much younger new wife appears (from what the kids tell me) to be very matriachal and dominant. Given that his own mum virtually lives with them (as she did with us) that must be so hard on him (ha ha) but not so good for my kids.
ACJ,
That sounds like a bad combination that could combust at any moment. Oh, well, it is his problem
It no longer allows you to be a scapegoat or a doormat for your ML'er. He has to to find another person for this job, and usually it is the OW/OM. It makes the Ml'er look within, hopefully. I wish that I would have gone dark at the very beginning, but hindsight is 20/20.
This is interesting insight. I have talked to the LBW of the OM a numbe of times and we came to conclusion that the longer they had us angry and bitter the more it justified their behavior and the longer it would be before they might have any guilt over their actions.
I remember reading the book - and the threads about going dark.. it was so scarey to me. AND I tried.. but I don't think I did it right. I did it to "prove" something.. now I do it for me. Like you said earlier T-
The journey that we are all on is individual. Each at his/her own pace.. but it is interesting to me how each one of us find ourselves in the same place as the other at some point.
I remain dark as much as possible because I don't like the person my XH has become. I wouldn't dream of entering into a new relationship (romantic or otherwise) with anyone else who exhibits behaviour like him so why would I treat him any differently?
People wear masks, that, over time, require too much energy to keep on. When they learn that we are unable to fulfill their needs, the mask comes off and the anger sets in.
It is never easy feeling betrayed. It hurts to feel love withdrawn and given to someone else. But life is difficult. We expect it not to be which is unrealistic. It is best to record this as part of your history. File it and place it on the bookshelf of your life as another chapter in your being, and, move forward. You cannot control another person. Therefore, carpe diem and start anew.
FIB
Whenever I feel myself getting down about my situation, I repeat to myself to "move forward". For some reason this has helped me tremendously. Enough time has been wasted thinking about ex and worrying about what his next move is. I know that in my next relationship, I will be so much better and stronger.
My ex came and picked up my daughter last night. I was in the back on the deck and he has to drive behind the house to come into the subdivision. For one momemt in time our eyes locked, and he had this horrible scowl on his face. In the past this would have really bothered me. It has no meaning now.
OH I love watching you grow!! LOVE LOVE LOVE it!! Why? First it makes me so very happy for you!! SO VERY HAPPY! And yes - the montra "move forward - move forward" it is a song i sing when i get stuck.
SECOND - it gives me hope!!! thank you for always sharing so openly and honestly!!
I love this thread. I have been divorced for 5 mos and 6.5 mos since the bomb and discovery of the affair.
Its been tough but me and the OM's ex wife stay in touch and regularly and agree that it gets easier easier easier every day. Its impossible not to be stronger as a result of this and be a better person if we'll allow ourselves.
Its so funny in a way because I used to feel so ashamed because my ex had an affair but now its a pretty open topic with me that I discuss freely. I don't offer it up but if the subject comes up of the divorce and why I just say "Hey, she decided that life sucked with me and that there was a better way forward. Her answer was to have an affair and since that wasn't part of the agreement I signed when we stood in front of God, Family, and Friends and made our vows we got divorced. Then, I shrug my shoulders and simply point out that you can't control everything around you in life and you certainly can't control the actions and decisions of others. Further, you can't protect people fromt hemselves if they are hell bent for making a bad decision so be it. March forward, seize the day, and repeat those good things that made you the person you are that people know and love and throw out those things that you've allowed to be a negative influence and distraction to you.
My 2 cents.
Elscoto,
Me too! I had dinner with the OW's ex a week ago and we compared notes. Very interesting. OW is a narcissist and a "chameleon" and very money-driven. Happy days ahead for him, I'm certain (s
Anyway....loved what you posted and btw, I grew up in Belleville, IL. Do you have your own thread? Mine began last June and is on here somewhere.
"Hey, she decided that life sucked with me and that there was a better way forward. Her answer was to have an affair and since that wasn't part of the agreement I signed when we stood in front of God, Family, and Friends and made our vows we got divorced.
UGH! Cut that response (hijacking). If you plan on using that line with your next date, you might as well stay celibate for the rest of your life. (????)
How about: We were married x years; we had x kids and it didn't work out but it was an excellent experience.
FIB
Oh, FIB--this is a "date line" this is a close mutual friend line who was SHOCKED to discover an otherwise seemingly perfect marriage hit the skids in the course of a couple of months. Literally, we had people to our home, went out to dinner with them etc... and had the marriage most people modeled their own on. Affairs don't happen without vulnerability in most cases but sometimes mistakes are made with heavy drinking etc... and can get out of control.
My story with dates is this "Over the years we got busy with work, kids, and life and let little problems turn into big problems." If you date someone long enough though they want to know what the issues were really--who files, who instigated, etc...I don't believe its my responsibility to lie to cover up for a cheater and won't at that point. Until that point however discretion is the rule.
BTW--thanks for the kind words however I have had ZERO problem with celibacy in post marriage life ;-)
The real trick is people that want to become more attached than I am ready for at this point and being careful to set expectations to avoid hurting anyone if possible. My current lady who I have been dating for 2-3 months and for the last couple more exclusively says I certainly don't have a problem with confifence or lack thereof.
Elscoto,
Me too! I had dinner with the OW's ex a week ago and we compared notes. Very interesting. OW is a narcissist and a "chameleon" and very money-driven. Happy days ahead for him, I'm certain (s
Anyway....loved what you posted and btw, I grew up in Belleville, IL. Do you have your own thread? Mine began last June and is on here somewhere.
Golfgirl--I don't want to be rude and steal the thread so here's my story--
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1947189BTW--I live on the IL side about 15-20 minutes north of bellevegas.
Isn't it hysterical comparing notes with the X of the OM/OW? I found out from the OM's Ex that he locked her out of all the username and passwords for their bank and checking accounts--insisted on taking care of everything including mortageg refi's and stuff like that. Spent money freely out of their savings and checking AND my ex had the adacity to call me controlling. I'm the guy who never questions spending/finances/decisions she made etc...Encouraged her to go out with her friends etc...This little relationship ought to be a doozy when she finds out what she got.
I also compare notes with OW ex spouse.
I hear from him that they fight terribly, of course I knew this.
I have to say, and please forgive me if this sounds harsh, but I get some enjoyment from just watching and observing the demise of their relationship. It is entertaining and I think I deserve at least that. This may not be appropriate DBing, but at this point I don't care.
Elscotto,
I use to be so embarrassed about the fact that my ex had an affair with a much younger woman. As time goes on, you really see how much this is so not about you. The more upfront I am about my situation, the better I feel about myself and life. I find it amazing how many other people out there have experienced infidelity.
Thanks Trusting. I seem to be arriving at the point where I am no longer embarrassed as much. I still am on occasion but as time goes on and support "seeps" out from friends and mutual friends its apparent that most people have voted their stand on the matter. They just haven't come out and hit my ex or the OM over the head with their judgement--so much more subtle. I guess this is just different than the way I do things in life. My way is to bust through life and be a bull in a china shop and make things happen.
I don't hear much about the way they get along because frankly she and the OM don't have the "life of the party people/popular" people skills that the OM's Ex and I have. Therefore, it doesn't seem they have a lot of things to do and people to hang with so the information I get back is sparse. That's cool with me. I don't see their thing lasting but who knows it may.
Thanks for the feedback.
Scott
An affair is difficult for both sexes, but, for men, there are other social implications that can be embarrassing or emasculating. However, when you get past the hurt, you realize as TRUSTING wrote, that it's their issues...no yours...that, yes, it's about them. FIB
Hi Trusting,
Just stopping by to thank you for your continuous support.
Even though I don't post much anymore, I still keep up with your sitch.
Sounds like you are more than tired of all the bs like I am.
I hope both of our situations start to get better.
(((((hugs)))))
Miss H,
There is no doubt in my mind that our situations will get better. You are doing all the right things and putting your children first. You have a strength and determination that will get you out of your hell hole. How we proceed is a choice, we make our own fate.......
We DO make our own fate dont we? I think that is one thing that is becoming more and more clear to me as my own fog begins to lift.
My life - my choices. Not dependent on him in anyway. Strange - but good.
Yes, I choose to no longer be a victim to MLC.
I choose to be content despite my situation.
I choose to let ex live his life with his soulmate, his one and only, his bimbett.
I choose to not let ex's actions affect my reactions.
I choose to live in peace.
I am right there with you.
Just an update to my post.
My son called me last night. He said ex is a mess. His financial situation is crashing down on him. He is working around the clock and making OW work with him. My son said that he has tried to talk with ex about everything but he can't handle it. My son stated that ex will hang up the phone on him if he touches on certain subjects.
Is life greener for him? Hell No....
Will this help him make a change, who knows.
I stay out of his way, because I know if he had contact with me all he would do is blame me.
He is doing ok with all of this. We talk alot about it and it helps us both. I always let him initiate the conversation and control where it goes.
Trusting,
I'm very sorry to hear about the situation that your son has been dealing with. I'm very glad he feels comfortable to talk to you about it.
How are you doing?
I am hanging in there Snod.
Looking forward to better days and nicer weather.
Those days and better weather are coming. The cherry blossoms are opening up more and more each day. This is by far the most beautiful time in Washington, DC. Mother Nature always does a smashing job here.
I do hope that the weather that we have had the last few days will find it's way to you.
BUNS, ABS, AND HEART OF STEEL
Lets hear more about this......
FIB
The grass is usually greener because it is seeded over a cesspool....FIB
FIB,
Your funny, I don't have buns and abs of steel, but it is a goal of mine and I am working on a more in-shape bod.
Your funny, I don't have buns and abs of steel
No but I bet like the rest of us you have developed nerves of steel
If you can go through MLC, you can go through anything...
If you can go through MLC, you can go through anything...
THIS IS SO TRUE
We are stronger then we knew we were.
Fiercer then we knew we could be.
hmmm .. remembering when people would say that we could do this.. and I thought I couldn't.
FIB,
Your funny, I don't have buns and abs of steel, but it is a goal of mine and I am working on a more in-shape bod.
I think most people here would be grateful for just a kiss, a handhold or an arm across the shoulder (however....LOLOL)
FIB
Hey T. Hoping you are enjoying the beginning of SPRING. I hear the weather has been quite nice!!
think of you often and hope you are well.
Thank you for all the posts.
I am gearing up for tomorrow. Ex is taking the kids on a drive to Florida with OW and of course her kid. They leave in the evening and are returning in one week.
UGH.. I am sorry T. I am however glad you get the kiddos during the day. Did you hide eggs for little one?
Thinking of you - and praying for you much!!
your friend-
cagzmom
Easter morning ex called up my daughter and asked where we were going out to brunch. Ex wanted to say Hi to all of my family.
My daughter told him that was probably not a good idea and left it at that.
Other than that not too much to report regarding my sitch.
Wishing everyone a belated Easter and may God bless each and every one of you.
All of your family including extended family? That is interesting....
Hello Trusting,
I was reading your post on Upside's thread about what your husband is doing...it is amazing what you see them do, and connect it with something they said to you in the past.
It's kinda like Deja vu in a sense, but you're looking at it from your husband's side of it. I sensed a detached point of view, a clearer view from standing on the outside.
From reading your take and description, based on what he'd told you....I believe you're right that he's "recreating" a time from childhood to live that part out again in a desperate attempt to "recapture" something he THINKS he's missed, or lost.
It's like what Snodderly said about them regressing to another time in their lives and reliving that part to heal unhealed wounds. Or get something back they feel they have lost or missed out on. So, they think within themselves...never mind that fact that you can NEVER get that time back, ever again, no matter HOW many times you go back and try to "relive" it.
That IS true, there is pain within them from those wounds that were made so long ago, and they have some kind of a need to re-experience that event again to "live it out" in some kind of replay, trying to get a different result, and most of the time failing miserably...which is what replay is, a going back over the same ground once again.
Don't know if my thoughts on it will make sense to you, but I think it does, based on where you are now in your journey.
Something I think you've already figured out; your ex-husband has LOST more than you have...he's lost YOU...OW couldn't even come CLOSE to being the kind of person you've become...you're MUCH better than she is, and don't you ever let go of that.
You've gained so much knowledge, wisdom and understanding in your journey; and a TRUE sense of self.
You're doing well.
Just thinking some thoughts, based on your post.
Hope all is going well with you, Trusting.
Happy belated Easter to you, too, may God bless all of you and your family richly.
Much love,
HB
sorry for the hijack Trusting, I am aiming to seek Heartsblessing, in the hope that she may take a look on my thread and give me any thoughts she may have on my sitch, thanks in anticipation to both of you
It's interesting isn't it how replay means something different in each sitch. In mine my XH is quite literally replaying his entire married life: He's met someone who wasn't originally local to him, he persued her with a vengence, if he could have he would have married her really quickly and baby number one followed even quicker (at least with me we had been married over a year before the pregnancy occurred). He is now being an extremely doting father to his new and third daughter. It will be interesting to see how much more of the past he recreates
Hmm. I think X is really very unsure of himself and never got out of his 20s in that respect. I think it is mostly about career and not feeling good about where he is in life, but not recognizing the link between actions he takes and where he winds up in life. You generally get out of things what you put into them, and often less. Marriage included, of course.
I think he is actually rather ashamed of OW but still fascinated by her, although I suspect that the fascination is now wearing thin. I hope he has the common sense to recognize that the odds are seriously against them if they get married. There are illnesses (mental and otherwise), huge age difference, starting of R in an affair, 2nd marriage, and kid involved--all some pretty serious roadblocks.
Not that that will stop the determined MLCer, but I hope X begins to see it for the childish antic that it has been, and OW for the user that she is. I actually feel somewhat sorry for her as she sees him as Daddy.
Forward,
Yes, for Easter ex wanted to come say hi to my whole extended family. There were about 20 of us. This just tells me he is missing something.
Heartsblessing,
Your post means a lot to me, thank you. I have grown and I am proud of it. It has been a long road and I believe I am through the worst of my journey.
hi dear friend.
the week is almost over.. your children will be home soon!!!
asking God to fill you this week.
Trusting, That's interesting. Perhaps he misses them.
I know we have both had experiences with temper tantrums; I have thought that when I am sufficiently detached I might open the door a little bit and be a little bit more welcoming. Have you thought about that?
Trusting this is very interesting to me the fact that your ex wanted to come say hit to your extended family, as you may know from my sitch my ex was also enquiring about my family a few weeks ago, and also the similarities in our time frame make this even more interesting mmmmm
Thanks everyone,
My ex was extremely close to my family, especially my father. During one of my divorce trials ex lashed out at my father for "trying to take all his money". Ex's father is a very cold, uninvolved man so my father was his substitute. There is no doubt in my mind that he misses my father. My father treated him like a son.
truth is they do loose...
sad - but still it is ALL choices. just like you and me.. we have had to make choices through all of this..
as they go on .. so do we.
one healthy
one in denial
It's a part of our history that we close, remember and learn by. We use everything we learned here and post a million DB and life Yellow Post-It notes in our brain to make sure we never forget the lessons learned. We use those notes to make good on our next R and to ensure we don't repeat mistakes.
Going back to old ways is insidious. It is NOT easy to undo 30-50 years of programming, yet, me must.
FIB
So true Faith,
I look forward to my next relationship when all my healing is done. I am going to be an awesome companion due to so much wisdom gained. I will never forget it.
Me too. Ninja sex too. FIB
I don't know what sex is......
Daughter showed me pictures of their trip. Of course there were some of OW in it. I almost threw up. There is nothing worse than seeing your family with OW in it. The family that you made and nurtured. It hurts like hell.
so very painful.....it makes me think wow they are in big trouble with God...who would do that to their family....and mother of their kids.... so very sad
so very painful.....it makes me think wow they are in big trouble with God...who would do that to their family....and mother of their kids.... so very sad
Don't look at the pix next time. Why did you torture yourself? FIB
I've spent a lot of time reading and thinking and while I would like very much to believe that I would be better the second time around, I also know that that is what MOST people think:
I will not make the same mistakes.
I will not find someone with the same sorts of problems.
I will be a better person.
etc..
However, I also see my responsibility in the situation. I don't think I am AS responsible because X was the one who had the affair and walked out, but I also recognize that I did certain things that contributed to the problems and maybe I could have nipped those things in the bud.
With that said, a conscious decision to examine those things and also to try to make changes in one's self is a real start.
I am trying to understand the role that I had in the situation, too. I am finding that I have become more colorful, creative, and open since X left. I realize that I played the martyr and I don't want to do that any more.
FIB,
My daughter showed me the pictures on the computer and forgot to take that one out. She is pretty sensitive to me and did not mean for me to see it. I stopped looking at it right when I saw it but it is now ingrained in my mind.
Oh Trusting. ouch. that stinkin pain!!! I HATE IT! AND I AM SO very sorry you had to see her with YOUR family. I am sure your daughter felt terrible!! Tehy (teh kids) are put in such hard places... tehy want to protect us... but they have been thrown into this new life that tehy didn't want either.
Your heart is healing. I have to believe that for you.... I wish we could go talk... go have a margarita... just one cause any more and we would get silly - then probably start crying.
Come see me!!!!
It does hurt to see those pictures but our children didn't ask to be put in this situation and it was their holiday too.
Way back when my XH used to come and show the kids the pictures of the all the holidays he and OW were taking. As hard as it was I put a stop to it by simply asking to look at the photos myself! On the one and only occassion I had to do this XH couldn't really say no as the kids were all there. I looked at the photos, made positive comments about them and then gave them back. He never 'volunteered' to hurt my kids like that again!
Mow that XH has the new baby I actively encourage D14 in particular to share photos of her new sister with me. We both found it hard at first but now she knows that she is able to speak to me about the baby if she wants to without me breaking down into tears. The main reason I am able to do this is b/c the new baby looks absolutely like my 3 children
My children will never be able to deny they belong to each other b/c they are all so similar but this child is completely different. For clarity I am not suggesting my children would want to disown thier sibling I am just saying that for me b/c she looks nothing like my children I am able to view her as just another baby.
Trusting - it is hard isn't it. I was thinking today just about the changes and adjustments we have had to make both in our physical life and our emotional side.
A couple of weeks ago I stayed home from work - i was exhausted. I think I literally slept ALL of the day except maybe 5 hours. the next day was a saturday - i felt a little better anot quite as tired as I was... but here was what I thought.
For 3 years I have been fighting to heal.. pushing through when I wanted to bail on myself, facing things I never thought I would, healing, hurting, crying, healing hurting, crying..yes that cycle. And now we are into a new phase of healing... and ready to heal even deeper...
this one, I think is harder and longer... but we can do it!! i am here if you need me.
cagzmom
My husband's aunt emailed me yesterday asking to correspond. She inquired about how I was and had just found out about my divorce. In my whole 20 years of marriage, she has never showed an interest in me. The only way she got my email was through my ex.
I am suspicious that ex is just trying to find out about my life through this aunt.
In the past ex has had mutual friend call me to try to see what was going on in my life.
Since I am completely dark, I think he may be getting a little curious.
Trusting, So how are things, really?
I wouldn't ascribe any motivation to it other than curiosity. But the question is whether to reply. Will you?
Ex's family cut me out of the picture very quickly and as far as I am concerned, I am dark with them as well.
Tell h's aunt your life is great. She doesn't need to know any details. Like Forward my h's family cut me out also and I have no reason to talk to them anyway.
Focus on you. Who cares what h is doing or why.
Thanks guys.
I will not give her any information. In fact, I have decided to not reply at all. I don't need to gossip about ex or have any contact with his family.
Trusting,
I'm not dark w/X's family because I want to be. They have chosen to support X's R w/OW but I do have some sympathy. After all, the MLCers lie to justify their situation, and turning away their child would be very difficult. In X's situation, they also have a second child who I think is also in MLC--or perhaps they just raised two very narcissistic kids.
I send an occasional picture of D to them, although I do not get replies and haven't spoken to them in years now. I do not plan to initiate contact with them. However, if they initiated, I would respond, albeit vaguely as Mermaid suggested.
And to continue musing...I guess I wonder about these aspects of dark.....
Is it healthy to simply eliminate contact with people? And is it a good message to send to our kids.
I think in the case of X's, yes, it is, although after the hot emotions have died down, perhaps a low-contact relationship, the sort of "neighbor over the fence" R makes sense, assuming children are involved. Otherwise I see no reason to have R w/X.
As far as R w/X's family...I would not want to get dragged into their dramas and familial stuff, but I would send a card at Christmas.
I admit, though, that my contact w/X's family has grown increasingly scant. After all, it is not as if I have received a thank you or card in return. I have also encouraged D to call X's family on holidays.
Initially I chose to go dark because my in-laws (who are deeply religious people) welcomed OW with open arms. They still wanted a close relationship with me though, but I am not sure how much of that had to do with the children. My MIL's words to me when she found out about the affair was, "things like this happen all the time, you just have to put up with it or move on". My FIL asked me what I did to "make him cheat on me". He is by the way the youth minister in a very large and prosperous church in town. Ex and I had been married for 20 year and dated for 5. I thought I new my in laws and needless to say was devastated by their reaction or rather lack of reaction regarding what ex had done. What even surprised me more was their lack of concern for their grandchildren on how this would effect them.
Trusting, Here are some random thoughts for you:
-Your X probably lied about you to them.
-He's still their kid. Chances are that they were ashamed and embarrassed but he's still their kid, you know?
-OW may have put on a glowy face to ensure that they were sucked in. But her glow has likely worn off. Given what you shared about your X and OW, that's a safe bet.
-Your X's lies may be more transparent now.
-Your X's MLC may be more transparent now. He's obviously not happy and you are out of the picture--so what's up with that?
-They may be wondering what they missed with all this, since X is STILL not happy and you clearly have nothing to do with it.
-You may be looking golden at this time.
I suggest a generic response!
Trusting --
I was just reading about your in-laws --and the fact that they are supposedly strong Christians --even ministry staff with their church is crazy! Their reactions are horrible. NO REAL CHRISTIAN has that kind of response. Divorce is NOT acceptable to a serious Christian --and your in-laws should be doing everything possible to support you and your children and to be correcting their prodigal son. No ---there is something very wrong here. These folks are as fake as they can be ---and it sounds like the parental behaviors when your H was a child were far from what was needed or required for an emotionally healthy, mature man.
I am so sorry about all of this. But this is NOT too big for God. Sadly MLC will expose a lot of hypocrisy --not just within the prodigal spouse --but with other family members too. You and your family are in my prayers.
Blessings,
Ottocat
While the ironic part of all of this is that MIL died last July in a motorcycle accident in Missouri. FIL was driving and was not paying attention and veared in the median. He was seriously injured but survived minus a spleen and 3/4 of his colon. The doctors did not expect him to live but he did. I will never know what MIL thinks of her step son now.
3 months after her death, FIL had a new girlfriend from church who moved in.
This is an example of very superficial christians and my ex now leads a very superficial life, going to church with OW and acting like a very religious couple
Trusting,
Maybe X will actually learn something at church.
I guess I look at it this way: X was weak and I try to think of him that way as I work towards forgiveness. However, I would be dishonest and not fair to my own healing if I didn't admit that I do not wish them well.
As far as FIL w/new girlfriend....it seems that there are some real weak people you are dealing with here, with some dependency issues.
Blood is thicker than water. My ILs totally blamed her throughout..gave me papers to read re: her on adult ADD, bipolar, etc...complained that our kids never got a hot cooked meal...yada yada yada.
Now, I am public enemy number 1. Forget it. Move on. FIB
Trusting --
Then this is what I thought to begin with. I am sorry about the death of you MIL --but for your FIL to "move in" with someone from church three months after her death --is something out of a crazy novel. Like one of the other posters commented --this is NOTHING but superficiality and in my opinion "values" other than Christianity. It is very, very sad.
It gives a clearer picture as to why your H is in MLC. A lot of family dysfunction going on here. And now your H is going down another "dead end street"!
So very sorry about all of this but still nothing that God can't deal with--
Ottocat
t- i envy one thing about your stitch.. YOUR STRENGTH
You have done so often what is best for you. And I just have watched you grow and get through this.
the label "Christian" is just that a label. I am from the midwest but live in teh south now and man oh man EVERYONE uses that term.. i believe even a Pastor can be pretty screwed up and not really deeply in RELATIONSHIP with Jesus.. AND THAT IS SAD.
I believe in the promises for hope for our future.
I believe in the promise that GOD has a plan for EACH ONE of us and that He will take what Satan would love to use to destroy us - to turn it into something GOOD for our lives.
I believe in reconciliation - and wow those that get it what a blessing.
I believe in BUILDING your OWN life no matter what happens - and in that we win.
It is so hard when we have suffered and hurt and cried so much .. and we think the ML'r hasn't suffered. At least not in the ways we wanted to "SEE".
We loved - and those who get that love are very lucky people.
We deserve to be loved - unconditionally and forever.
love you my friend
cagzmom
Thanks everyone. The dysfunction did not really come out until the MLC hit. My inlaws did everything they could to cover up ex's shenanigans. They were more concerned about appearance then helping their son. It was actually quite sad to watch.
MIL would come over to the house and pick up my daughters and try to explain to them that "daddy is still a great guy". I was so concerned at all the mixed messages the whole situation was giving the children.
In laws could never look me in the eye after they knew what I was thinking. I had called them up shortly after ex moved out and told them I thought they lived very hypocrital lives. There only answer to that accusation was that "god forgives anything they do". It was such an eye opener for me. I realized then and there that I had to do my best to protect the children from their behaviors.
Now that MIL is gone, I don't have too much to worry about in that area anymore. FIL is in his own little world and more concerned about who his companion is rather than how the family is doing. The kids have maybe seen him 3 times since MIL's death. He like ex is full of the "poor me" attitude.
Hi Trusting-
Just a quick note....MY C and I talked about men who make big decisions when you couldnt think of doing it ( meaning women )...She even had an example that after her mother died she was about 18 years old and in a matter of a few short months her father married and moved a women in the home...she was furious....Men can switch channels and make a new life like nothing....its so hard to fathom....
M
Grace,
Ex's mother was the same way. She left the family when ex was 12 and moved to palm beach and married a rich old guy until he died of cancer. After him she moved on to the next and next and next.....
I am the opposite. I marry for life and have difficulty being with anyone else, even after 3+ years. It just does not feel right to me. I still feel like I am cheating on my ex if I even date someone else.
Trusting - totally understand! Shoot I am having trouble even being interested in dating... So much time and energy involved
.
when we are ready - then i think it will all fall into place. (wont be perfect... but it will be right)
Trusting,
I think some men are not able to live on their own very well, which may explain the 3-month thing with your FIL.
Now that I am away from that family, I see that all the "machoism" was really major insecurity in who they are and what they do.
Quite possibly. Things do become more clear as you sit and observe...
Hi Cagz,
Thanks for stopping by.
Well the kids informed me that ex has been very angry lately (what's new). He told the kids that he might try to get full custody of them since I am such a bad mother. He is upset because my 5 year-old will sleep with me on nights she gets afraid. He finds that inappropriate. It does not matter that he has been bedding a bimbo in front of the kids without nuptials. UNBELIEVABLE......
Trusting,
Sounds like all talk to me. All talk of a desperate man.
blah... thats what i think of his spewing!! and what a bone head... to say it to the kids.
Trusting - You will make no sense of it...wow what would he have thought of me...my son slept in the same bes as me when he was much older than 5 after the bomb hit our family --- they want to feel safe there is in no way anything wrong with your daughter sleeping with You ..he is odd for even saying that...and on the other about him sleeping with ow with no marriage....well I have been researchin this subject of remarriage very earnestly as my Xh recently remarried the OW and the BIBLE is very clear that remarriage is adultrey....and some may argue the innocent party is ok..but I dont want to take any chances....The Bible states be reconciled or remain unmarried...wo YOUR X is completely unapproriate if he is trying to portray himslef as a Christian Man.....
And why call you me, Lord, Lord, And do not the things which I say? (Luke 6:46) Great Verse Hodly... You can say what you want, but what you DO is what you BELIEVE...
trusting - there is alot of research on the subject of remarriage and the churhes today are very watered down....one place to start is dr leslie Mcfall - you can google him...there are other great references too....you know the catholics and the amish have stuck truer to the word of God when it comes to marriage than most other Christians.....
There is a reason you have not felt like moving on...Gods word is written in your heart....thats my opinion....same with cagz
He is upset because my 5 year-old will sleep with me on nights she gets afraid. He finds that inappropriate. It does not matter that he has been bedding a bimbo in front of the kids without nuptials. UNBELIEVABLE......
Don't lose sleep on this. We had CPS involved in my divorce. It means nothing.
FIB
Thanks guys for all your thoughts and support.
I really don't get that worked up over ex and his threats anymore. They really do not mean anything. It is all so ironic and juvenile. My 5 year-old is at that stage where she is just so scared of the dark. I will continue to let her sleep with me anytime she wants. Ex, I believe is just trying to get a reaction out of me. I do have to say that the guy is persistent. He tries and tries and tries......... I give him nothing.
So again his aunt emails me to try to find out what is going on in my life. I deleted it and will continue to not have any contact with his family..... more persistence.
Ex is late with the child support payment. I usually have it by the 15th of every month. Thankfully, everything is paid this month so I am ok.
Hate the stress of the child support payments...just another stinkin' connection to them. (sorry my own baggage here.)
Hope your weekend is great!!
You too Cagz, most of this is his temper tantrum in going dark. He wants some control over me, and withholding the support to them is a logical tactic.
that was exactly what i thought..... always about control - or lack there of.
When do these guys run out of steam?????
T it seems to me that your XH is doing the same thing as mine. As we are both D our Xs no longer have any leverage over us, they can no longer say do x or I will do y to make the D more uncomfortable for you. We have both gone dark so they can't try to push buttons when they speak to us. So the only recourse they have left open to them is the children we share between us.
They know that no matter how old the child if they do/say something horrible to them it will get reported to us and in thier warped minds they think it us that they are hurting.
I still wish I knew what I did to make him dislike me so?
It is great though to not attach too much meaning to what he says or does anymore. He no longer controls my actions, thoughts, or words.
t
the anger is within him
You have nothing to do with it
The LBS is a conventient scapegoat for the MLCer to keep distracted and to never look within
as long as the focus is on us, they can not heal
seems like some mlcers tryt to repair the wreckage with the kids ect>>>
but I wonder how many will not
fearing my xh will be amonst that group
peace
the anger is within him
You have nothing to do with it
The LBS is a conventient scapegoat for the MLCer to keep distracted and to never look within
as long as the focus is on us, they can not heal
seems like some mlcers tryt to repair the wreckage with the kids ect>>>
but I wonder how many will not
fearing my xh will be amonst that group
peace
You said it right Peace!
It's sad to me that some just keep blaming all that is wrong in their lives on the LBS, or their children, or their work, or even the OW. Instead they need to stand on their OWN two feet in front of the "real" mirror and see what needs to be done. We cannot do it for them, all that they search for are just bandages and so they spin...
In my sitch XH has went completely dark to me until recently. And to D18 he comes around just often enough to keep hurting her. I don't get it.
I think the only way my ex can even see his pain is by the hurt he puts on others. Does that make sense?
It really is a pathetic way to live. Ex keeps trying to put his pain onto me, but I am no where to be found in his world, meaning dark. I am hoping by this he will have to see that I am not the cause of all of his problems.
Trusting - such an easy spin we can get into isn't it. I too often get caught there -- but as with you spin out into my reality.
What did we do? when i go there NOW my mind tells the truth. We married and were REAL. Nothing fake. When you are married as long as we all were -- there is real life every day yes BORING stuff. There are bills, and illness, there is joy and laughter, there is hurt - and then there is what they run from THEMSELVES>
I have found that yes I did stuff wrong. BUT even MARRIED I knew that and worked on it. I wish I would have caught some of the pain early... I wish HE WOULD HAVE spoken up and said "hey this part of us isn't working.." but because he didnt.. he held it in.. building resentment and an excuse.
You and me.. and many others here.. WE married for life. ONE TIME.. tell death right??? We knew that there as baggage and stuff.. but if you were like me, I read books, sought wise counsel and did my best... .HE .. and YOUR X?? when they had to FACE THE TRUTH of who THEY were in all of this.. chose to BLAME.
It has been said that it takes 2 to build a marriage and 1 to end it.. I believe this more now then ever.
The middle AGE or the mlc brought to them this TRUTH that they didn't want to face.
HE is a butthead..
Sorry but he is. Anyone who can leave not only the one person who truly loved them... but there KIDS who love so unconditionally. Well.. they are turds.
sincerely love you.. not just words.
your friend - cagzmom
I still wish I knew what I did to make him dislike me so?
It is great though to not attach too much meaning to what he says or does anymore. He no longer controls my actions, thoughts, or words.
To him, you are a reminder of how he screwed up even though he won't admit it. As long as he can think of you as the bad guy, he doesn't have to look at himself. Until he admits to himself that what he did was wrong, he will always blame you and you can do NOTHING right.
It took me way too long to figure out that my XH is still blaming me even though he claims I am the one who is bitter. Ha! Here is just one recent example...for spring break this year, I took my S18 & D16 on vacation out of the country. They both told their father a long time ago what their plans were. He did not ask for any specifics. He waited until we had left the country and sent me an email accusing me of forging his signature on notorized documents so my D16 could leave the country. I informed him that I had checked with the airline before we left to see if I needed anything documents signed by him and I didn't. So, being the concerned father he is
, he asked for our return information which I gave to him. My D16, who is not close to her dad, told me today that her father has not contacted her (we have been home for over 10 days) in well over a month and the last time he did was just to find out something about her brother. Why would he care if she left the country or not? Why did he wait until I was out of the country to find out if any documentation was needed? Why would he not be happy for his children to have an experience to learn about the places we visited? My XH has never owned up to doing anything wrong. He still CHOOSES to blame me for everything bad in his life. I'm sure he thinks that life would have been so much better for him if he hadn't had to pay me all those years of child support...even though he went out and had 4 more kids with his current W(OW). It is all so sad.
It took me finding this board 3 years ago to finally put a stop to reacting to my XH's bullsh!t (and my current H's bullsh!t). So for over 12 years, I was was my XH's puppet. Be thankful that you have figured this out early.
Upside,
I am surprised you are still breathing after 12 years of pure crap, OMG. You have to be made of steel now. I am thankful that I am finally in the place of leaving him completely alone.
Not responding to his stuff or feeding into his drama. As time goes on, more and more people also see what he is truly made of. That is a blessing also. Thank you for your post.
Cagz,
you have grown so much.....
Still no payment from ex.
This should be interesting.
I don't think he cares if he is jailed or not.
It will be another thing he can blame on me.
I am ok financially this month, so that is a blessing.
I will take no pity on his no payment if this continues.
Trusting, At this point you have been dark long enough that you cannot know what is going on, if he is still able to blame you, wouldn't you say?
have to say T.. one of the best thing I was able to here in my state was have the state take over. since the court had already established it all I had to do was go to the child support enforcement people -- and they took it over. It was humbling... but they are in control now.. not x and nothing up to me.
do you have something like that where you are?
it has taken pressure off of me. the only way I won't see money is if x doesn't have a job. Right now he is 1 year, 4 months into his job.... based on his past history i have about another year... then there will be another change. Serious... he either quit or got fired every 2 1/2 years for a very very long time...
sorry he is such a puke!!
Forward,
The only infor I have about ex is what everyone else tells me he says about me, and yes he is still blaming.
Cagz,
I have never had to go to child support enforcement, but I will if this continues. I think it is very similar to what you described.
Trusting, once again, your sitch sounds just like mine.
In my opinion and experience, I would not wait to go to child support enforcement. The sooner the better. You won't have to worry each month. He will have to answer to them, not you, when he is late. I know in NY, they will also raise the amount of support automatically when the increase of living goes up.
That is great Miss H.
Ex's sister just had a baby shower this afternoon. Ex was there telling everyone how I just hold a grudge. God these guys are weird. Let's see, he breaks up our family, is abusive, WTF
I still wish I knew what I did to make him dislike me so?
Repetitive but still too much self-blame and self-victimization. You'll know your clearing the tree tops when you laugh at his put downs of you and simply ignore them or continue to talk or email right over them.
It will never be easy because we are ball and chained to them thru our children. Best thing is to cut off all the fat and keep it as lean as possible.
FIB
T- it helped me personally more than anything. No more "wondering" it just happens. But it was one of the hardest things I had to do in all of this... it was kinda like you being completely dark.. It was me taking a stand for me.
I waited though -- and had a "final" straw. His payments were so spuratic and not consistant...And I needed it. I remember the last time..I called him and we talked. I asked him to please just pay what he was suppose to.. when he aws suppose to. I told him he was forcing me to do something I didn't want to do..... he said "do what you have to do.." (remember mr. passive.)
So, he did just what I thought... didn't pay... I talked to the kids and I cried. My son said "get the money mom.. you need it.. " my daughter just didn't want her daddy to go to jail.. (i explained it all to her.. that he wouldn't.. ) Then they were both like.."then let the state handle it.."
I hope it doesn't come to that for you... maybe his head will fall out of his butt and he will screw it back on and all will be better.
Hey keep on pushing and maybe you'll get your money from somewhere. My ex's parents are paying it b/c he hasn't had a job in a year and a half and they don't want their baby to go to jail...lol... enablers times two. Let the state handle it. That is the best way. In TX it is mandatory now that all CS goes through the attny gen. office so that they can monitor it. Our attny gen. is already after my ex and I haven't reported a thing. They will do it automatically.
SoCo,
Awesome, I hope that happens in my case.
T get this sorted ASAP. Even in England we have something similar to what everyone else describes BUT they will only go after the arrears from when you notified them you wanted them to handle it. So the longer you leave the more money you could potentially never see at all.
Hi Trusting,
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this!
I agree, don't wait - get it taken care of soon.
(((HUGS)))
Nothing.....
I will have to report it on Monday.
k - wanted you to know I am praying for you and thinking of you.
I'm so sorry that this is happening. From the man point of view, I will soon have to start paying CS as well and there may be a brief window where I will have difficulty doing it from the financial standpoint. However, it is NOT my intention of becoming a deadbeat dad.
Is it possible that he is having financial issues or is he really doing this to hurt you?
FIB
Cagz,
Thank you
Faith,
He told the kids that since I won't see him or talk with him, there is no sense to send money. He just came back from his 20th vacation since our divorce with OW - cruise. He might have financial problems, but it is only because he is spending like crazy.
Trusting,
That doesn't make sense, just b/c you won't see him or talk to him doesn't mean his is not responsible for paying CS. Of course, that is where his mind is right now I guess. But, it's crazy!
I think you will have to go after him for it! I don't see how you are going to get it any other way. Don't wait too long, you deserve that money!
(((HUGS)))
T- guess that answers all questions doesn't it...
Time to go to the state.
I have to file contempt charges and do some paper work today.
Yuk, does this ever end.
this is the hard part... HA like we haven't had to go through anything hard!! hugs and more than that prayers...
Hey Trusting,
I'm so sorry you are having to do this, but it has to be done. It's like cagzmom said, we haven't had to go thru anything hard! ha! It does seem like it never ends!!
(((HUGS)))
whats going on???????????????
Trusting,
He is holding the support hostage to get you to communicate w/him. It's a game w/him because he still wants to control and manipulate you. Don't walk, but run to the State for assistance in this. The more time passes, the more difficult it will be to get it all in one lump sum, etc.
your not posting. making me wonder. Are you ok?
I have not posted in a while. It has been a very hard last 2 weeks for me. My situation has turned very ugly I am sorry to say.
Last week Thursday, I took a day off from work to totally dedicate it to my 5 year-old daughter. We went for a walk on a bike path where she disclosed to me that she was being "inappropriately touched" by OW's 8 year old son. I won't talk about details for many reasons, but one is that it is way too painful for me.
I immediately left the bike path with my daughter and called ex. My 5 year-old then disclosed to him (over the phone) what had happened to her. I told him to come to the house immediately, but he refused stating he was afraid of me. He eventually came and I am not sorry to say I let him have it -- big time. No one abuses my child. I am no longer a stander.
Ex played down the situation, he even at one point said that my 5 year-old was lying. OW is trash and her son is a product of her. My ex brought this into my children's lives and it is unforgivable. It has now left a permanent mark on my beautiful child.
I made a official report the next day. Police were notified, child protective services, as well as my lawyer.
My daughter was interviewed yesterday and disclosed everything. The authorities were amazed at her ability to do this as well as her details. She is truly an amazing child who knows right from wrong. I thank God now that I have trained my child in "good touch, bad touch" education. As most of you know, I am a clinical social worker and I work closely with abused children. Now my child has been abused.
She stated that there was only one incident. This will be the last incident.
Ex is scared to death of me. I have told him "I am his worse nightmare". The court system has placed a protective order on my child. He is not allowed to see, talk, text, email her, until the investigation is complete. The incident occurred under his supervision, so he and OW are legally responsible.
They are going down.
I struggled if I would talk about this on this site, but I decided that if this could help anyone it would be worth it.
The ML'er truly "dumbs down" his OW. These people are lost in many ways, and morality is one of them. Who knows what this 8 year old has been exposed to.
After the investigation with child protective services is complete, I will be going to family court to gain full custody of my child as well as to prosecute OW and ex.
I an asking for your prayers. I thought the worse was behind me. Please pray for my little girl.
Trusting
Way to go TRUSTING.
Your little girl is in my thoughts.
Trusting
Both you and your D are in my prayers.
Your D is a credit to you and you to her. You are a great mum as she felt safe enough to tell you her story to allow it to be put right.
I work in the same field as yourself and as you know these children find this so difficult to tell and trust an adult. Well done her.
Trusting,
You handled the situation exactly the way you, as her mother, should do. I do hope that she's okay and I'm happy that she felt safe enough to speak to you about it. What in the heck is your xh thinking about?
I am keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers.
Trusting,
MLCer's really are off the deep end aren't they. As her father he should have been outraged about what happened to your D, not trying to downplay it. Thank God she told you about it before another incident could happen.
Thoughts and prayers are with your D and you.
T- emailing you. AND KNOW i am ON MY KNEES wiht yOU!!
sweet strong wonderful trusting.
there is something wrong with my stupid email and i can't get it to reply or even send a new message.
i will try again tomorrow.
no words - none that need to be posted on here.
i am your friend.
i stand behind you - and i am with you in real deal prayer.
love you -- yes the real deal.
i am connected to you in a wierd way.... God brought you into my life to show me strength. now it is my turn to be your friend.
your friend - real deal-
cyber - and if ever i have the privelage face to face
cagzmom
(((trusting))) You and your D are in my prayers. No child should have to go through that!
Trusting,
I am so sorry to read of recent events in your life. However, I applaud you for being so strong it will not have been easy either for you or for your precious daughter. My thoughts are with you.
When you seek sole custody will you be doing it for your older children too? That is what I would be doing. As you say OWs 8yr old learnt this somewhere and I wouldn't want my D14 to be exposed to that anymore than I would a 5yr old.
Tristing,
handling this situation exactly as a loving mother should. You have showed stregth and fortitude.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all as you face the enxt steps.
lalxx
Thanks everyone,
I still can't believe the events that have happened.
Ex is clearly siding with OW and her child on this.
He has not called to check on my 5 year-old once.
He has called me evil for calling protective services.
I need to move forward and away from him as much as possible.
I'm so sorry this happened. You are a wonderful mom, and your D5 is an amazing little person.
trusting so sorry -- the pain of divorce seems to never end....how can they not see if the 8 year old wasnt in her life....this would not have happened...you havent posted much details....and thats fine...but it makes me sad for the 8 year old too....something going on there....so sad...why do they have to take sides..why cant everyone being on the kids side.....and i just think the 8 year old...how in the world would an 8 year old have anything like that going on....unless...its happened to them....very sad
So sorry that this is happening.
Two days after our daughter had a febrile seizure a year aog, XW took her to work all day. When I asked to pick her up and take her home in the afternoon (I had finished early), she refused and my estranged MIL had her out. When they brought her home, then D6 was pale, fatigued and felt warm.
STBXW, then, was going to take her for a Cub Scout outing. I told her no. When she left with her, I almost called the police for the first time in my mess. Wisely, she brought her home 5 minutes later. D6 had a 101 fever. I wrote this up in a court document and the judge ordered CPS to investigate. XW went nuts on me.
Stay strong. Do the right thing for your child. A patient of mine who was a family court judge once said to me, "you have an obligation as a parent to keep your children safe."
Praying.
FIB
FIB,
Thank you for your kind words. I will do everything to protect my child. My ex is out of control. After the CPS investigation, I will be going to family court to change the visitation schedule. If something else happens to her I would never be able to live with myself.
She is doing fine and we talk alot about what happened. The 8 year-old boy will be doing mandatory therapy and hopefully they will be able to get to the source of his problems.
My ex is quite the narcissist, so this has made him livid.
I don't care how he reacts anymore, he just needs to stay away from me and my kids.
Trusting
T on top of how horrible all of this is for your D5 and the rest of the family the other thing that I find sad is that up until this incident you were still standing. Your XH really doesn't have a clue how lucky he was to have you in his life. FWIW if it were me I would have stopped standing too (although in my own case I did that when OW got pregnant).
Thanks ACJ,
That was the last straw for me. If he does not protect his children, he is no man for me. He is a coward and a low life who just thinks about himself. Thank you for your kind words also. I don't think my ex will ever find his way back.
Trusting, Just so very sorry that you and D have to deal with this. hugs.
ACJ,
My ex got fixed so I am sure I would be facing the pregnancy thing also.
Well since the huge blowout I had with my ex regarding my 5 year old he has been quiet and compliant.
He paid me the 2 months of child support he was behind on.
He has done everything to make sure my child is safe from OW's son.
He is however telling everyone that I have emotional problems (projection at its finest), but that is ok.
I'm glad to read that hs'e paid the two months of CS he as behind on.
You have emotional problems? Does he ever think about how he sounds? There are only two people that I see w/issues and that is your xh and the ow. When will his battery die and he come back to earth?
I'm glad you are taking every measure to protect your child.
Happy you got your child support!!
think of you daily.
hugs..
You are right he is projecting but honestly IF you did have emotional problems I think it's clear to everyone where they have emanated from!
What parent who had had a child put in this position wouldn't be emotional?
ML'ers love to make the stander look bad. Mine is a pro at it. A lot of Ml'ers live their emotions through other people, mine does that also.
My ex has crawled back in his hole after our blowout. I anticipated that.
wish mine would stay there.
not much sweet friend.. which is good!! no drama - really trying to do my own thing and not see him if at all possible.. which so far is working out. (softball is over and covert action on my part friday and sunday led to no face - face!)
healing - healing and working on more healing.
sounds good Cagz, I am with you
Hey Faith,
hope you are well...
Doing OK Trusting. Had my first weekend alone without XW for MD weekend. Heaven. FIB
Good for you, sometimes Holidays can be challenging.
I just got caught up on your thread and wanted to say I'm adding my prayers for you. Sounds like your D5 is mature for her age and it's great she knows to talk to you. I hope your H soon comes to the realization that he needs to protect her. Ugly mess.
Marked,
Thank you for your kind words.
hows your healing comin'?
Cagz,
I am doing better than last week. I am just keeping my mind off the situation and focusing on the positives in my life. The kids came home from ex's on Sunday and my youngest daughter stated that OW's son is staying away from her. That is a blessing.
Ex dropped off the kids Sunday afternoon and by 5p.m. he was texting my oldest daughter about coming over to the house to pick them up for dinner that night. He has no boundaries regarding my time with the kids. Fortunately we had just eaten and my oldest daughter had homework to do.
he certainly pushes you!
glad you are doing ok. it certainly is a process isn't it. different then i ever thought it would be at this stage in the game.
glad that her son is staying away.... probably helps that you went full force on it!! seriously!!
just glad you are better..
your friend.
me
Exactly, I am so glad I went full force on the incident between my daughter and OW's son. It scared ex and OW to death. Not so much that they care about my daughter, but they were afraid of what other's would think of them (superficiality). It is all about how they look on the outside instead of the real truth.
Ex is getting the message from me to leave me alone. I am again dark. He would love to have me available to him to be able to vent his garbage.
"dark" is so very very good for the lbs. i can't believe how much work it has been for me to be able to be here -- but i am there.
trying to do my own thing - like you. yours is so very very mean.
glad ur baby is safe
Ok so this was weird. He was suppose to have the kids Wed and Thursday. He drops the girls off on Wed night and tells them he will be (you guessed it) on vacation again for 3 weeks in New York. No notice to me at all. No consideration of me at all for my schedule.
It is for the best that the kids are with me since he is so out in left field, but it just gets to me how he thinks he can just come and go like he pleases without any thought about what this means for me.
Be sure to document that.
ah yes... he is going backwards again T. You know the wonderful Roller Coaster. he HAS to go back to SINGLEman mindset. It is the EASIEST place to be. No responsibility land.... and he probably justifies it because he "gave you your child support."
The backwards wonderful thinking! (this is the life that I live with my x)
Time for a new thread. JMO. FIB