Stage 5, Acceptance, III, well, uh...

Preparing a new thread....FIB

Well, hi FIB. What's new?

Hi Spitty.....new anger...the usual. My next court meeting is tomorrow. She still makes life miserable.

Came home to coach my son's BBall team. He wanted to come with me. She refused and took him with her. I should have put her foot down but it would have started a fight. She then absconded with him after practice and I lost the chance to have a catch with him. Will discuss this tomorrow.

FIB

You know FIB, the offer is a standing one. Just five minutes with her because she is really pi##ing me off big time. Sorry, just got a little angry and I dont even know her. How you stand it is beyond me.

The kids come first, always. Did she not get that freakin memo when they were born? =

I understand not wanting to start a fight, but you need to stand up for your kids and yourself. She is being a bully.Her behavior is unacceptable.

FIB, I agree with Craig!

Good luck tomorrow! I hope it goes well for you!

As always, you are in our thoughts and prayers!

deb

Good luck and maintain a happy face when you are in court.

Good Luck tomorrow! I will be thinking about you. If it gets really crazy...go to your "happy place". $\:\)$

Spitty

hmmm, happy place sounds too much like Happy Gilmore...

Fib,

how'd it go today? And despite the all too human temptation to let her have it yesterday, given that you were to be in court today, holding your tongue was the wiser course. (Craig, I KNOW how you feel OMG believe me...but FIB's right for now to be careful.)

F, you are so close to the finish line on this nightmare. Don't blow it now with a blow up. You can handle this a little longer, and Not UNdo the dignified, strong and gracious way you've handled this so far.

Keep it up and let us know what happened...although I have a feeling there was ANOTHER delay...but maybe not and OR maybe you know when this will end????

Please??? Dear GOD When?

(((( hugs )))
( j )

Frank,

Still here. Stay the course. You have done the hard work through all of this and know how to handle the end game. The man of honor does not sacrifice tomorrow for a moment of indulgence today. You know this.

Prayers for you and your family.

Blessings,

Bill

Hey FIB, you ok? Thinking of you, my friend. Listen, YOU will have to be the one to show your children how to behave with dignity, compassion, and honor because your wife is not capable of that now. Remember they are always watching. Do it for them.

Court

I 'missed' court yesterday. That is, I had permission to do my am surgery and my atty was waiting for me when I arrived. Again...delay. The financial appraisal of my practice is still not complete. NEXT COURT DATE IS 4/23. #$%^&*

One of the issues brought up was discussion of D with the kids. My W accused me of badmouthing her. Meanwhile, if any recall...she had a D discussion with the kids leading my daughter to call me onto her bed to tell me that 'divorce isn't going to be good for me daddy'.

Last night, when I told my STBXW that S8 needed counseling, she tried to rip me a second you know what. She elevated it her screaming and walked into S8's room at 11 PM to wake him up to get details (my son had some scary comments the other day and I chose to speak with my atty and my IC prior to discussing with W). The usual comments about me came out. TBC. FIB

Frank, you are amazing to have the patience to put up with this agony. I so hope it can all be over on April 23.

Agreed Kerry.

If Frank has forgotten, let me remind him.

He is my hero. I could not have done what he has done.

My son needs help. He has changed in the last few weeks. He said some scary things to me the other day.

Of course, I am the same old shiTlty H. Comments:
-you talked over me the entire marriage and now I'm talking over you
-liar
-attacked me on letting him play shooting video games
-I'm trying to edge her out. By enrolling S8 in BBall, it is now 4 practices/games per week and my coaching with D5 makes 5 days...so..I am edging her out.

OK...you know the rest.

She DID say the right things to him when she woke him up. She could have let him sleep and do it in the morning.

I am totally at fault.
I am the marital waste product.
She has no accountability.

All me, POS FIB.

I reached out to D5's CF MD, who I like and respect. She told me how terrible it was when she went thru HER D and was the brunt of the anger...but...the reason I reached out to her was to find the names of children's psychologists.

That was my main job today. We must agree on the MD.

FIB

Some tough stuff, FIB.

I know you have a lot going on, I'm just wondering why any of this has to be handled directly with your W. Why can't your L make the request on behalf of you to her L? I'm not second guessing, just trying to understand.

N.

amen amen to letting the L's do the gross stuff and NOT YOU let alone face to face. Why even have L's if you're stuck with the filthy work anyway.? That's not the L's fault, it is you and your w's for taking it upon yourselves to hire lawyers AND YET still haggle about things only L 's can discuss with any objectivity and even THAT will go out the window if your L likes you, which she will.

But this is exactly why we exist and sometimes the hourly fee is TOTALLY Worth it from the clients standpoint and from the L's. I have only had to sit through maybe 20 cases of DIV in 20 years of L practice and I would NOT do it again for less than a million and that's also with 24 hour guard protection. Okay maybe less than a million BUT not without body guards...had to change my locks AND phone number 4 times in 2 years and I prettymuch have narrowed down to 5 clients...lovely...

Having to listen to FIB"s wife SHOULD pay me a fortune. Anyone HERE want to represent HER??? sometimes we L's do earn every cent....and so, FIB, let your L work a few extra hours so you can live a few extra years....

OMG...that's all for now...(( SIGH SIGH SIGH)) three in a row...

FIB,

(((( j ))))

FIB, first of all, I am so sorry, my friend. Please do not ever think that all women are like your wife. What is going on betweeh the two of you,well, you are both adults and have to handle it.

But, where the children are concerned, she is out of control. It is NOT ok to wake a sleeping child up and badger him. I am appalled that she would do that. FIB, she is doing a lot of damage. My son is 18 and I still have not said one derogatory thing against my h, not one. I want to do as little damage as I can.

Is it feasible to have a court appointed advocate to make sure the children suffer as little as possible. Maybe they could force your wife into divorce therapy or a parenting class.

Fib, in te meantime, a friend of mine has children about your children's age. She found art therapy for them to be very helpful.

I hope and pray that this ends for you soon. I hope and pray that your wife has an epiphany where the children are concerned.
I wish you peace. Oh, and anytime you are up for that cup of coffee, let me know.

Keep on keepin' on.

FIB,

You ARE NOT a POS!!!

Use your lawyer, as 25 suggested.
Until one or the other of you is out of the house, your children will be the collateral damage of this divorce war. I am so sorry for that.

Hold on. Stay the course. Do the right thing.

You are a good person. You can do this.

Hugs to you and the kids,
Spitty

You know FIB, at some point you may have to start looking at the mental abuse she is putting on your kids. You do need to find a good child psychologist for them and let them help you out. Trust me if your W is causing damage a Psych. will figure this out on their own and deal help you deal with it.

I am sorry she is continuing to put herself above your children Frank, they do not deserve that.

Ian

Hey buddy, is your tongue still in one piece? Biting it must be taking a toll.

With all the attention she's giving your every move and interactions with the kids she must be a mess inside that mind of hers.

It sucks to dwell...

keep it bright i'll be praying
cire

By the way FIB, Stoic will be here in May for the musicfest...

I second the recommendation for art therapy. It's a form of release that reveals an awful lot...and something that can be continued/practiced at home. Art keeps me sane.

I'm wondering: what are you doing to take care of yourself? It's clear your W is a nasty old harpy...that is her stuff. But how are you taking care of yourself SO THAT you can be the daddy your children need right now?

Taking care of ourselves is the first thing to go when we're under a lot of stress...and it's the most important thing for us to do.

SD

FIB,

how goes it?

J -

Thanks to all. The other morning, I awoke to find a typed letter that my STBXW wrote and sent a copy to her L and the LG. To show you how bent she is, I had emergent surgery in the morning that couldn't be cancelled without causing emotional and physical hardship on a patient. I had discussed this a week earlier and composed a compassionate letter to the judge.

In the letter she writes that I 'didn't show up for court' and with regards to saying that our son needs counselling, she writes that I shouldn't be practicing psychiatry and I should leave that to professionals.

??????????????????????????????

You only need to be a mother or a father to know that your son is hurting and in pain.

The screaming that she started at 1145 at night, she writes that I STARTED A HEATED ARGUMENT. No...I responded with a discussion...SHE started yelling.

My STBXW is warped. She also talks about an emergency meeting with she and the LG.

Huh?

My L told me she hadn't discussed anything like this..that my W is sick and fantasizing...that the LG is NOT allowed to make custody recommendations...etc.

When I first read the note I was concerned...worried..and lost a night's sleep. Today...I realize it is bullshilt. I wrote nearly an EIGHT page response to the LG listing ALL the crap she did the last few months..including the destructive divorce conversation she had with the kids. In fact, I taped my nephew telling me that S8 and D5 told him how mommy had this talk with them. It is inadmissible stuff but I have it just the same.

My L wants the letter but told me NOT to send it to the LG...that they aren't to be burdened with D stuff...that they CANNOT make a recommendation re: custody...that there is NO meeting unless LG requests it or the judge orders it.

Ya know..it's an amazing thing...how all this crap happens and how people warp stuff. It's reprehensible. It's so painful to think of all the destructive stuff my STBXW has done in front of the children...then turns around to blame me and paint me as the fall guy.

I'm OK. I did have a bad week...lost some weight, but, I got my Fireside bagpipes together today and brought them to work. I'll play a few short tunes for the people at work and at the hospital.

FIB

To SD....I am coaching my son's BBall team...I am the head coach of my daughter's lacrosse team....I finally have my bagpipes put together..my son's Pinewood Derby had me woodworking for a bit and I may do another project: a ship in a bottle kit with S8 if he is interested. I'm listening to Psychocybernetics in the car on CD. I think it is GREAT and highly recommend it to others.

It IS tough to do a lot of other extracurricular GAL right now, but, the coaching stuff is a lot of time consumption. I think when it comes time to split, I will then have more time (sadly) to dedicate to myself.

FIB

To Sofaraway...I had called SOTS several times in the past. He never returned calls and the one time he did...she sounded 'off', perhaps, either it was a badtime or something was going on and he sounded like he did not want the conversation. Any news on him? FIB

To spitty, 25, cire et al....I'm burnt on this stuff. Talk about ramping up the tension all the time, etc. (sigh). Now...a month and half wait until the next meeting. (sigh)
FIB

Seriously, can you get the LG to talk to the kids? Or a court appointed counselor? THEY know the truth because they have witnessed it.

Hey coach, I am curious how well 5 year olds do playing lacrosse.

How is S8 doing on his advancements towards cub scout rank? I need to spend some time this weekend and help S8 get some more achievments completed.

The Truth Will Out

Today....I brought my fireside bagpipes to work..and..had an idea. I called my kids elementary school and asked if I could bring them in and sorta do a 'show and tell'. IT WAS OK'D. I played the pipes in D5's classroom...TOTAL HIT. I played them in S8's classroom...TOTAL HIT (except S8 was a little embarrassed). Played them for the PRINCIPAL ...TOTAl HIT.

I felt great.

But..even better...............

I called my L's office:
Me: Hi...'Mary'(office manager)...today...I am calling with a one minute positive line...I"m heading to my kids elementary school to play the bagpipes for them. I won't let STBXW keep me from enjoying being a dad.
Mary: Great...well...I think I have some news for you that will make you happy.
Me: Really? What's that? I could use some.

Ready????

Mary: The law guardian sent us a copy of a letter requesting that your wife stop sending her letters.

No need to explain this any further. I have such a sense of relief today:

-I played for my kids
-I lightened the elementary school
-the LG told my STBXW to shut up.

FIB

I am so happy to hear you had a super day!

Is the school principal a she and single?

To Kerry K....teaching K-2 kids to play lacrosse is not easy, so, we make it fun. We do ball drills but turn it into games:
-relays
-bucket drills
-red light/green light with the ball and stick
-hanging a pinata in the goal
etc.

As for the Cub stuff...it's tough getting those achievements done especially when the book is locked in STBXW's car. I have to ask if S8 wants his car to compete in district tonite. His car took 1st in group, second in the pack. I've heard that it gets pretty anal. FIB

LOL...no....older and not single. LOL. FIB

FIB, I'm so glad you had such a good day today....definitely sounds like you had fun! Glad you got some "good" news today, too!

My son is in Boy Scouts. He just made 2nd Class last week! He is hoping to be an Eagle Scout one day. Last year was his last year racing in the Pine Derby races. It's amazing how involved the parents get with those things!

Please try to continue to find as much pleasure as you can in life...it's always there, sometimes we just have to work a little harder to find it!

Take Care!
deb

[quote
I felt great.

But..even better...............

I called my L's office:
Me: Hi...'Mary'(office manager)...today...I am calling with a one minute positive line...I"m heading to my kids elementary school to play the bagpipes for them. I won't let STBXW keep me from enjoying being a dad.
Mary: Great...well...I think I have some news for you that will make you happy.
Me: Really? What's that? I could use some.

Ready????

Mary: The law guardian sent us a copy of a letter requesting that your wife stop sending her letters.

No need to explain this any further. I have such a sense of relief today:

-I played for my kids
-I lightened the elementary school
-the LG told my STBXW to shut up.

FIB [/quote]

Hilarious and joyous...ah, the small things in life do make one's days brighter, don't they? Happy sighs...

(AM singing now, to an unknown MELODY that makes complete sense to ME: )

"the wheels of justice do go around the turns and BENDS....
and every now and then
you get to see a "SHUT UP!" letter sent...
to a whiner, with no FRIENDS....

the end
(clap! clap! clap!)

((( j )))

This continues. My son has a dinner for Cub Scouts. We both have reservation sheets. I told my W over a week ago that I was going to go to the dinner. I sent in my reservation and paid for the 3 of us. Last night, in front of my son:

W: (holding up reservation form) Did you mail this in without paying for me?

Me: I mailed in my reservation and paid for the kids.

W: (raised voice in front of S8) YOU ARE NOT GOING TO EXCLUDE ME FROM GOING TO THE DINNER?

Huh?

My son reacted.

I may have to move on this. Enough. It's destroying my son.

FIB

Blue and Gold dinner?

My X has little interest in the cub scouts or girl scouts.

Of the following 12 scout laws, are there any that your STBXW is lacking?...

Trustworthy
Loyal
Helpful
Friendly
Courteous
Kind
Obedient
Cheerful
Thrifty
Brave
Clean
Reverent

Hey FIB, good for you playing the bagpipes. I always loved the sound of them. Your son might have seemed a little embarrassed but he also thought it was kind of cool, I guarantee it.

Did you say to your STBX, "No one is stopping you from going. Feel free to send in your money."

FIB, go with your gut regarding your son. If you think he needs help, get it. Did you think about going to his school? Sometimes they have couselors there who can help>

As for the Pinewood Derby, you would be amazed how the parents act as you progress through it. It is really embarrassing.

My friend, I knew your wife was going to start to hang herself. Just let it all play out and stand back and watch the train wreck.

Funny KerryK....uh...yeah....she's missing a few of those (cough).

BM...I had texted her a 2 weeks earlier telling her that I was going. There is no box on the reservation form that says "check here to exclude your spouse". I know..that...if I want to do or go anywhere now, I am responsible for myself.

Yeah..I had spoken to several of the dad's at the Pinewood. Having your car go to district is not a blessing. You sit there all day while a room full of anal compulsive dads watch the race. Some of the dad's go for 'creative' now. We had an ear of corn car...a hot dog car.....they went for funny.

Next....I finished the 'in-house' portion of my financial appraisal. One of the company's CPA's came in talk with me....review some stuff...etc. Although THEY can't make any recommendations (the L must), it appears that my house will have to be sold.

Typical...for a father..in the state of NY. I think I'm prepared for this...for myself. I will NOT be prepared on how to tell this to the kids when the time comes.

Of course, my STBXW will blame me for everything.

With regards to the LG, my STBXW certainly had a 'shot herself in the foot' episode. I had my meeting with the LG early last summer and tried to present an open honest picture of what was going on. XXX became ENRAGED afterward and this started her vendetta against me. Since then, I have not called or bothered the LG. I am comfortable with where I am with my children and my L just kept telling me to stay away...that the LG was on my W's side. Apparently, STBXW continually pummeled her with letter's and calls....enuf to the point that the LG sent a cease and desist letter.

My L has been really good with regards to making that call:

L: FIB...don't bother the LG. She is the atty for the children and doesn't want to be bothered with D issues. They cannot render a recommendation with regards to custody in the State of NY. Only a forensic psychiatrist can. So, relax...no one is going to take your kids away from you. She is living in a fantasy world with that letter she wrote. Don't send the response you wrote to her....mail it to me.

Good call L.

FIB

Oh man, if only you could know it wouldn't give your son emotional damage, I'd suggest you send your W to the pinewood derby finals. LOL. She'd throw down some whoop arse that would really raise the roof. Love to be a fly on the wall to see that one!

Of course you're too much the man to ever expose your son to that one, but you have to admit, it would be amusing to see all the macho dads compete on that level...

Must be Friday. :P

N.

Fib,
Congrats on so many recent positives!!!!
BTW here is the cub scout book online http://www.geocities.com/~pack215/requirements.html
As a former leader with 2 boy who went through cub scouts, I know how challenging some of the requirements can be.

Keep it loyal and reverent Bro!

Gman and 4kids...WOW. I am blown away that you guys are still here with me....not to say that all the others who still are with are here too (??? did I just say that)?

I'm not sure how many'positives' there can be with regards to a divorce. Clearly...my STBXW has anger issues and clearly she has maturity issues as well. She is a hurt little girl in a woman's body.

As for me, I am predicting that by next court date, 4/23, the financial appraisal will be complete and then custody discussions will begin.

I predict that the court will order my house to be sold, unless my W is coming up with a plan to buy out my half. That is, her parents offer to buy the house or if OM4 is wealthy and lurking in the wings. Her father is retired and her mother, IMO, is hanging on long enough to get my STBXW into her school. Buying the house would certainly ? exhaust the retirement nest egg, no?

Dunno.

I don't look forward to not seeing my kids everyday. It still seems like it will be unbearable for a time.

As time goes forward, it is amazing how the 'bad times' accumulate and seem to overtake and overpower the good times.

Bomb 5/06 7 good

Now, 7 good, 3 bad

The memories of my STBXW now...are besmirched..soiled...changed. I am swimming in a cesspool of her anger and vindictiveness and it fouls me.

It's time.

FIB

Gman...you're the best with that link. Gonna bookmark it and get to work. FIB

The link that Gman gave seems to be missing the Tigers. Here is another link that has the Tiger requirements (along with the others)...

http://www.boyscouttrail.com/cub-scouts/cub-scouts.asp

Thanks so much guys. I texted my W to 'please leave S8's book in the family room so I can work on some of the projects with him."

Response: When I am finished working on mine you can have it next

Not very acceptable.

Me: I'll have to use my own then. Thanks.

You know...there is an easy way to do all this. Why she wants to 'push divorce' in everyone's face (eg, his den mother)....I don't know.

Unless...I SHOULD wait for the book.

Nah.....I can be doing stuff in it on weekends.

FIB

Why not ask the Den leader what their recommendation would be in the situation(without giving the impression you are bashing your W)?

If anything, they might understand some of the dynamics behind the sitch and be sensitive to how these situations might affect your sons participation. I know there is always a risk of attracting attention where it could do more harm than good - you'll have to weigh that one out.

N.

FIB, there is a lot of scouting stuff online. Sites to help you fulfill some of the requirements and such.

Dont even ask her about the freakin' book. She is acting like an as*. Just do your own thing with your son.

Just keep doing the right thing by your kids. She is going to hang herself in court and in her children's eyes. For the kid's sake, I hope she gets her act together.

In the meantime, find a nice lawn chair for the show because I think she is going to self-destruct.

FIB"s W Definitely has been on "MLC Parade duty" for a good while now. Get the lawn chairs, some popcorn and an umbrella b/c over here, it's nice and sunny but it could always suddenly storm. So maybe bring a poncho too??...and a flak jacket...and a flask of your fav beverage ...let the festivities begin.

FIB, I personally cannot wait for your parade to be over. So sorry about the house having to be sold. What a drag. It would be cool if someone helped out just b/c the kids could stay, which is what I assume you wanted...??

But Hang in there...as for the decreased time with the kids, look, it sucks. No two ways about it. It IS crappy. All I can see as an upside is that it will be trauma free b/c the drama/trauma queen will not be there...so it'll be YOUR time with them and NO HER.... but yeah, still stinks to be in your shoes...(SIGH)

((( hugs )))

( j )

Every, one loves a parade.....

FIB, really, just five minutes, your wife and I, woman to woman.

Let me tell you, she is a disgrace of a mother. I am doing everything I can to make this as easy as possible on my son- never saying a bad word about my h, encouraging their relationship, maintaining a friendly rapport with h and he is 18! And she is doing this to little children. I am telling you, she is pis*ing me the heck off!

FIB,
Im here bro..I lurk on a few people and post when I think I should. $\:\)$ Everyone gives great advice and they beat me to the punch.
Your leader should understand. We were kinda trained for it.

I had a "2 parent" child in my den once.(no offense meant by that term) The boy lived with his dad and he only saw his mom at the meetings. I cant get into much more on their story but both parents did the best they could with the meetings.
A few months later they didn't return.
No matter what if you can help it, and if your boys want to, stay in scouts. Its some of the best times Ive ever had the honor of having with not only my boys, (and my daughter who came along willingly to the meetings when W had to work) but with 8 other bright eyed wonderful mischievous kids.
I do miss it sometimes but all of my boys "crossed over" Some became Boy Scouts, some like mine chose to do church activities.
What a great time!!!

Kerry, Thanks for the Tiger link..I didn't realize that they weren't included. :P
Beginners is right there is sooooo much stuff online. Stuff that isn't even in the books.
She can keep the book...just make sure the leader knows that you helped do the requirements so the W don't take the cred.

FIB,

((( ouch for you and your son )))...

So how much longer for the forensic analysis to be completed in its' entirety and the decisions by the LG and court? There are 3 more steps in this? I don't think I've ever wanted someone else's sitch to resolve as much and as fast as I want yours to. Good GOD speed this thing up. In all the other situations on this site we want things to SLOW down....but not this one.

Well, I'm preaching to the choir so on that note, hugs your way and hang in there. It really is the last lap and you know,

You've been such a leader on this site for the graciousness and dignity and love you've shown throughout terrible adversity...I'm sure I speak for many here who'll say to you,

Hold your head high. And for women who thank you for reminding us all in our darkest hours with the men in our lives, that there are men like you. Makes us all hopeful for our men and grateful to you.

((( j )))

Hey my friend, ditto what 25 wrote.

The letter left for me last week by STBXW

Quote:

This facsimile communication is intended to inform you that a heated dispute arose last night initiated by the father of S8 informing me of his opinion that there was a need to address some seeming problems with which S8 was suffering as judged by his father.

Due the father's absence from Court yesterday at the time of the Court meeting March 12, 2009 and thus having no direct first hand access to advice of both sources of Counsel, which my L and LG proferred there and then, advising a meeting be arranged with both parents and LG. At the earliest possible convenience, it is my intention to alert you to this situation at once, to protect the welfare and best interests of both children.

FIB, S8's father had judged that S8 needs counseling, an opinion with which I agree, but to have excluded me from from his definitive opinion which he asserts resulted from his discussion with his Counsel, is unsatisfactory for me as S8's mother.

I feel that we can all agree it does no one involved in a marital dispute to have one parent cast derision and blame on the shoulders of the other and for our family at this jointure and as a result of this unbalanced blame game, it is becoming increasingly clear that both parents should meet with Ms.LG, Legal Guardian, at which time firm guidelines be established with the welfare of both children in mind.

I, as their mother, ask that I be included in all discussions regarding these children.

More to the point, any diagnosis about S8 and any counseling needs, must come from a professional trained in child psychology, his father's medical opinion being secondary to that of one trained in this field.

Thank you for your kind attention to this matter.

Very truly yours,

It is after this letter that the LG wrote a letter asking her to stop writing letters.

This morning, I asked her to stop wearing VS short shorts in front of the kids. She wasn't happy about this:

W: Now you are stooping low.

Me: I am not writing any letters...this is between you and me...they are too provocative and I am asking you to stop wearing them in front of the kids.

Now, I am waiting to see what she does to punish me for THIS.

FIB

If anyone needs to see a professional trained in child psychology, it is S8's mother.

Take a picture of her

Ok FIB, I really believe that she is - how do I put his nicely- freakin' nuts! Really though, you have to do something to protect your children. I think you should speak with your lawyer about the fact that she is not behaving in a normal way and that you are afraid of the psychological damage that is being done to them by her.

She should be ashamed of herself.

She is saying she agrees that your s needs to see a therapist. As a mother, if that is how she feels, she should put aside all animosity with you and worry about how to get him help.

FIB, I am sitting here so angry I cant even type.

Originally Posted By: KerryK

If anyone needs to see a professional trained in child psychology, it is S8's mother.

good one. But FIB, no matter. The LG already told her to knock it off, (and by the way, what's "jointure"? Oh, I guess she combines words...interesting...)

Yeah, I'm sure the Court will be very impressed by her astute observations and keen insight. The part where you suggested he gets counselling and dared to make your observation without the benefit of her expertise.... and which must evidently also mean you are disparaging her...yeah, that's legal acumen sure to impress...

((oh the whining the LG must be doing in her office!!)

(( j ))

I have been open and honest here from the beginning. This is who she is...just an angry little girl in a woman's body. You're right BM..in the letter...she states she agrees my son needs therapy but in the same letter states I don't know what I am talking about.

I am curious to see if the VS short shorts get shelved.

FIB

Thanks 25..and Kerry..and Frank.

Jointure. Her mother is English prof at a big local HS. I think SHE is the one writing the letters. My MIL....the letter writer...and, my FIL, the threatener of police and sue-er in court (or should I say sewer). Great in-laws.......

FIB

The more you tell us, the stronger I feel that you are going to better off when this is over. Her parents sound like real peaches.

Hang in there, my friend.

Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving

I am curious to see if the VS short shorts get shelved.

Well if they dont get shelved, I hope you dont retaliate by wearing the same...
http://www.allfunnypictures.com/images2/shortshorts.jpg

You know FIB, carrie called the GAL here so much that our bill went through the roof. I told the GAL that I wasn't the one calling her so she could bill Carrie for all that nonsense. Our GAL told her to cease and desist as well. Yikes a parallel........

That letter was absurd, it did give me my first smile of the night though.

I agree with whoever said take a picture by the way. I would just take out my camera phone and take a photo if she keeps wearing that crap around the kids.

Then later, there are always roadside billboards....just saying

Ian

well it's not a legal word I've run into....I think she means juncture and ....something else??

Anyhow, you're fine on this...but too bad about the in laws....especially for them. Seriously, I feel sorry for them.

(( j ))

I kind of prefer FIB wearing something very VS and us getting pics of THAT....

just for comparison purposes folks!! Geez, I just want to HELP.... $;\)$

((( j )))

KerryK...all I can say is...lol...BARF. LOLOL.

Anyway...I look better in a kilt. LOL.

I HOPE...I am submitting the LAST documentation that I need. They want some credit card statements from 2007 and my 1999 tax return. We lived in our house about a year before tying the knot. The appraiser said that this would give me a big credit. Interestingly....the 1999 return was missing. S'OK...my CPA had a copy.

All around me..it is tough to hear constant reminders about people who have achieved a great marriage:
-the affair I went to this weekend (a bar mitzvah)....the parents
-listening to the radio on the way to work today..men asked to phone in about whether they enjoy cuddling and must it always segue into something more. Many men called in that they enjoy just cuddling with their wives.
-having to do things that exhibit divorce, eg., having to discuss methods for co participation with cub scout achievements when the STBXW keeps the cub book in her car

It's a path to travel. As I look back, I am sorry that I didn't file sooner. I should have filed after I discovered her tryst in the backseat of the car in Dec '06. I have really great weeks and I have days that I have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

When I was a boy/young man..and...if I had a breakup with someone, my mother used to say to me: "try and get over it. There is nothing deader than a dead romance." When I found DB/DR, I believed that I could thwart that old saying...that I could beat the devil.

I think mom was right. Don't kids always know better than their parents? LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

FIB

Heading the way of Jeff223, DonH, AV8R, Kman, SOTS, ISLH, ......

Prepping

FIB,

You done your damndest.

And in the end, that's all you could do.

But don't regret your choices made. The term 'False Hope' is only cynicism in the face of failure. I am glad that you didn't file back in 07, because the lessons you have learned in DB is going to make your next relationship one of amazing achievments.

Your wife, is mentally f-ed in the head. Beyond the standard MLC, her parents have crafted her into this person as well. I am basing this on what you wrote about them...cunning coniving and underhanded...sorry that they are the worst of humanity FIB.

But despite all of that they couldn't stain the best of humanity...you my friend. BTW Alaska is still cold and full of snow as I write this.

I have one thing to say to you, a whap with a stick if not a 2x4.

Quote:

-having to do things that exhibit divorce, eg., having to discuss methods for co participation with cub scout achievements when the STBXW keeps the cub book in her car

You make it sound like obtaining another book is like trying to purchase a Gutenberg Bible...

Every Scout HQ...which you can find your local one by contacting the Den Leader....or even Google...sells that book as well as badges and all the scout uniform and gear. Christian stores also have the scouting stuff, just at slightly higher prices...I think they added the tithe on it. : )

Stop complianing about the book, and get him a new one...I guess your going to say...but the signatures are in the other one...well I guess there is no other way...its hopeless....wait a second! Maybe you could just use the new one and sign off on all the stuff you know he knows in the new one! That might work....

Geez.. ; )

Good on you FIB. Take care my friend.

Jack...you are a good man. I hope....hope...that you do as you do here....random acts of kindness...up in Alaska.

You know Jack...the Eskimos...in Alaska....were very kind to me. They have a view of nature that is unique. I took care of a young Eskimo, who, at the tender age of 23, was admitted to the Alaska Native Medical Center for a third cardiac operation. He drew a picture for me...one I still have....an Eskimo face...half dark and half white, "the face of night and day". He was from another favorite named city of mine (aside from Eggegik): Unalakleet.

Another young Eskimo from Barrow challenged me to an Eskimo 'ear pull'. Nearly ripped it off.

And then there was my flight into Tyonek....first white man there in nearly a decade...that the village paid for because I took care of their chief before he died. Who gets to hear Indian singing while fish head soup brews in the kitchen?

It was an experience....as was this.

Honestly Jack...I am not sure how I will handle not seeing S8 and D5. They are the loves of my life.

How do you ....explain....................................................................

FIB

You'll handle it like everything else crappy. With Patience and Fortitude.

You'll handle it like Kerry K and others, you'll handle it like all else with dignity.

There will be divorced dad support groups you can attend until you cope and find ways to fill your time.

Read Kerry's words, ok? In one aspect I am jealous, he gets to plan things to fill up their time together...and on that note, I'll take my own advice...instead of complaining about something...I'm going to do something.

How do you explain?
I don't know.
Be honest without being vengeful.
Mommy and Dad can't live together anymore, but we both love both of you so we are going to share you.

When they get older comes the possible real talk if they press.

ear pull...what were you thinking? Were you drunk? : )

Get another book for your son. Do not let her sabotage a future memory with him and for him.

The scout unit or council has a record of any badge already earned. Books do get lost. Good scout leaders understand these trying times and will be glad to help you recreate what they can.

You are not the person now that you would have been by choosing to "Ditch The B!!ch" on the first sign of trouble. That is not you. You will face all kinds of unsolicited drama and second life challenges very well. You will solve scouting challenges. You will confront and conquer many things you never imagined you would face. You will do it with honor, and when you look back later you will be proud to have done your best.

Your best will be better than most others and it will serve you well.

And you'll be glad to be rid of her.

Well...proud of one thing...she was wearing sweats this morning.

FIB

FIB,

Your relationship with your kids is unique to you ,they love you for you, kids are pretty incredible, They have an insight that sometimes adults cannot fathom.It is tough when you cannot see them. Make your times together as memorable and precious as you can.They will remember the small things. Just love them, protect them.They can flourish in this situation.

Your strength through this has been an example to all of us on the board.

Craig...et al..thanks for your supportive posts. Jack...KerryK...

I've ligated all the pumpers but I still have a bleeder....my kids. When it comes time to leave...I will hold my head up. THAT..I guarantee.

MIL dropped off the kids the other night..didn't even look at me or say a word.

It's OK.

I am moving on S8...calling my insurance...talking with counselors....getting referrals..touching base with my IC....doing what any of you would do as dads....when you see your son hurting or in pain.

I had a catch with him yesterday. His arm is stronger. His catching is better. He tells me he loves me. I took him to the library with D5 and we picked out books on presidents.

I continue to text STBXW on sports schedules, cancellations, etc. I don't get the same in return.

So be it.

FIB

Quote:

I continue to text STBXW on sports schedules, cancellations, etc. I don't get the same in return.

Sometimes it's so very painful to read the direction this is going for you FIB. My youngest is almost 16 and older is pushing 25, it seems as if i've missed so much that I cry at times.

Their mother acted much like your STBXW and I found myself, with much coaxing from my father, to take the high road. He came from a broken marriage and instilled in me that my children are individuals and will see things for what they are.

It is becoming reality but it doesn't ease the pain of absense. We do what we can buddy and hopefully along the line don't mess up to bad.

You are inspiring in your quiet strength!

Rock on FIB!!

cire

FIB~
Just dropping by to say hi!
I see that you mention the book New Earth here and there.
May I recommend?
THE book.
Loving what is.
Byron Katie.

New Earth is �� WHAT , and Loving what is ? ��is HOW.
If I did already?
I am sorry.
Just had to share with you.
It is truly powerful and life changing.
Byron Katie ~ The Work

Quote:

�Byron Katie�s Work is a great blessing for our planet. The root cause of suffering is identification with our thoughts, the �stories� that are continuously running through our minds. The Work acts like a razor-sharp sword that cuts through that illusion and enables you to know for yourself the timeless essence of your being.
Joy, peace, and love emanate from it as your natural state.�
Eckhart Tolle
author, The Power of Now

Take care and God bless,
Ali

FIB, the hardest part is not being with your kids full time. I am grateful that I have tawny full time now. My son however I only have every other week.

How do I cope? I get involved and create opportunity. I coach his soccer team, I volunteer at his school, I have my mom provide his after school care. The weeks I do not have him I still see him at least 3-4 times that week. It makes it bearable ( there isn't really a good word for it) and allows me to keep any connection that I can.

Is it easy, hell no my friend. Is it something that we learn to deal with, yes. You my friend will learn this lesson as well. You will resent her for it, that will never go away. You will however learn to make it as good as you can given the position that is dictated to you by a court of law...blech........

It will all be ok my friend,

Ian

I second the suggestion for Byron Katie and The Work. It changed my life...helped me detach from difficult things that others did and focus on how I could take care of myself better. It's a simple practice, but powerful. I find myself working through the strategy in my head sometimes when I'm even in the middle of something.

More than anything, I wish you some peace, FIB. Breathing space.

SD

SD...Delil@h...sofar..cire..craig...thanks so much I am going to order the book today.

In 1995, when my senior partner and I split, I subleased space from a colon and rectal surgeon who trained with me as a general surgeon. I took over the office in 2000 and he sublet from ME on weekends...which...eventually went to 2 weekends per month. Today, he called me to tell me that he was going to terminate the arrangement. Sadly, it's a several hundred dollar a month loss, but, he told me the same story that I am a victim of myself.

Last year, he earned $24,000. Yes folks, a specialist, surgeon, busy doc...here. We just can't do it anymore...at least here in my state in my area.

For those Pinewood followers....I didn't go to the districts but my son's car was the only one to rank from his pack and he placed 34 out of nearly 110 cars. Not bad for the first time. I have times and mph if any one is interested.

Lastly, this Friday, the Blue and Gold Cub Scout dinner takes place. My W and I will be there. It WILL make for an uncomfortable evening as I am SURE she will try and reserve table spots without me. I will deal with it if she does. She also told me that she is going on the Cub Scout outing Aug 1 and 2. I didn't want to say, "if it's your weekend". Custody may change that. We'll see. I am getting some extra time with the kids at night since she is ...at least I think...running to her mother's house to do her college work. She does NOT do it by herself.

It's probably time to stop posting the daily crap. I am in a dead marriage and trapped until this is over. It DOES suck...I will tell you all that. There is only ONE thing positive about this situation...it will force a settlement since NEITHER of us wants to continue this way.

The kids.......are collateral damage....and it still hurts me. They didn't deserve this and I need to work thru this portion now.

FIB

Last night, STBXW called me and asked what time I would be home. Her brother had a baby. I told her I would come home to free her up to go.

I don't play anger/screw you games. She was a new aunt.

I am not sending a card or gift. Her family abandoned me, sued me in court, etc.

FIB

Quote:

Her brother had a baby.

WOW! that should be on Oprah! I bet that wasn't a natural delivery! $\:o$

Quote:

I am not sending a card or gift. Her family abandoned me, sued me in court, etc.

Not that it matters but my opinion differs. Perfect time to be the bigger man and send them a congratulations. Email, ecard, txt, doesn't cost anything but shows you acknowledge their joy. That would be not playing the anger/screw you games.

D5 had a seizure. Heading to ER. It's just too much at times. Please pray

Fib, sending prayers your way.
I hope it is nothing serious.
Children are so resilient they bounce up as quick as they go down.
((()))

Praying for your little one...

Frank, I'm hoping for the best and that your daughter gets well soon.

Sending you Prayers FIB.

Prayers.

Praying for your precious daughter.

FIB, I am praying for your baby. Please let us know as soon as you can how she is.

Thanks to all of you. I was in my office yesterday when the school called me. D5 slumped over in her desk and fell to the floor seizing. She has had 2 prior febrile seizures but all were heralded by a high temp. Yesterday, the seizure came first.

When the school called, I was told she didn't have a fever, but, in the ER, she was 102.7. That was a relief because without fever, it would be looking more like a seizure disorder. She got Motrin and fluids. All tests negative. She went home with us.

STBXW was communicative..to a degree. There was no blame game. We were functional together. I just love it tho' how I am referred to as "D5's father". Well...I have to get used to that. She actually offered to bring some dinner home for me.

Wow.

What bugged me was that MIL showed up at the ER. I obviously didn't have much to say to her. When we arranged for a doctor's appt. for D5 the next day, STBXW asked MIL to get S8 off to school.

Whoa!

Am I invisible???? I said unnecessary and waived MIL off. I TOLD XXX to take D5 to the doc and I would get S8 off to school. Sheesh.

W slept upstairs. I slept on the couch with D5 and gave her her Motrin and Tylenol throughout the night every 3 hours. Not sure why she didn't offer to help out or set the alarm and come downstairs. She DID tell me she sent one of those famous fruit baskets to the school 'from us'. I took a another route. I wrote a letter to the superintendent of schools asking them to recognize those that helped our daughter (yes...I included XXX's name and did not use exclusionary words).

Stressed.
FIB

So your daughter is ok? Nothing to worry about, no disorders?

All is well with your children?

That is great news about your daughter.

FIB, I am so glad your daughter is ok. That has happened a few times with my 8 year old niece if she got a fever. Hasnt happened the last two times. So hopefully it will not happen again.

My first thought about your w not helping out with daughter and sleeping upstairs was there is not freakin way that I am not with my s if something like that happened.

But maybe she feels ok because you are a doctor?

Was d alright with mom not being with her?

Hang in there, my friend.

I think she knew that I would be all over D5 with the meds that night. Also..she knows that I am trained to get up in the middle of the night for emergencies. I think she just left it to me. She is in school, too, so, that is a big priority right now.

D5 will need a neurological evaluation but I am sure it will be negative..as was S8's neuro eval.

I will admit that the stress with this is tough. Having to be with your STBXW under those conditions...is not easy. Being referred to, under those conditions, as 'the children's father', is belittling but I can deal with that. Afterall, it's the truth.

I just need to hang on financially until this is done. I wish I could refinance again but that is impossible for obvious reasons. FIB

I'm burnt. Last night...2 days after a seizure...my W wanted to take my D5 out to a Cub Scout dinner with 100.2 fever...in cold misty weather...because she promised her she could go. Despite my urgent requests not to...she drove off with her.

I called her back on her cell with a tone that you would all understand....'bring her back right now'.

I stopped her.

It wasn't pretty.

My D5 spiked higher to 101.4 and stayed home with her sponging her forehead and giving Tylenol and Motrin.

I just don't understand it. I don't. I don't understand it.

I did put out an emergency call to my L and I spoke with her today.

I just don't understand it. Why?

FIB

Oh FIB, I am sorry. Your wife really is lost and confused. She is not the mother your kids deserve right now.

It really angers me to think that she is so self-centered and mired in anger that she would risk harm to her child.

That is a mindset I cannot fathom.

fib, I haven't ever posted to you but wanted to say hello.

I am sorry your daughter hasn't been feeling well. Thank goodness it was the fever that brought the seizure on, hope she is better soon.

I wanted to 2nd you on this one:

Quote:

I will admit that the stress with this is tough. Having to be with your STBXW under those conditions...is not easy. Being referred to, under those conditions, as 'the children's father', is belittling but I can deal with that. Afterall, it's the truth.

Last fall, one month before our divorce, my D4 was hospitalized overnight for dehydration due to a nasty flu. Me, xH, and poor sick D4 in a small ER room for 10 hours. Yup. Not fun. Both of us walked out in scrubs due to bodily fluids that was escaping D4. It was just weird to be in such close contact with xH, passing D4 back and forth and things like that. I left the room to change out of clothes into scrubs, and xH did the same. People kept coming in the room referring to us as spouses, which we were at that point. I didn't correct anyone, neither did xH.

Anyway, I babble. But your quote above stuck a chord, because xH and I used to work so well as a team with our sick children, and now we still do better than others, but its bumpy.

Take care.

Thoughts wanted.

In spite of this past mess by my W, she called me yesterday telling me about wanting to schedule my D5's birthday party at a movie theater. With pizza added on and goody bags, it looks like this will exceed $400-500. She has no clue re: money.

W: BTW, I still have the two receipts for the birthdays that you didn't pay me for.

Me: XXX...you may look at those receipts as 'stiffing' you. I look at it as paying bills to keep a roof over our head (each time I had asked her to make a small pizza party at home).

To all my friends...I think it is time to let XXX book her own BD party...and I will have a separate one for D5.

Thoughts?

FIB

An affirmation

I think you know best. I honestly do.

Your are right it is time to seperate, your wife seems to be clueless. As far as her taking your daughter to a party with a party, you did the right thing calling your lawyer, her behavior is appalling.

Text: W, considering where we are, I think it is best that we have separate parties for D5

Response 1: This is a class party for D5's friends not family

Response 2: So basically this means that you aren't going to pay for her party again?

Translated: you no good cheap POS..u are going to stiff me again.

No...I am having my own party.

I didn't respond..it's a holiday and I am going to spend it with my kids. FIB

Holy God! Your translation program hates you! Get a new one.

Good for you sticking to your guns.

You know what FIB, she is ridiculous. Just do your own thing with D.

ARGGGH! I keep thinking she is going to freakin step up and do the right thing regarding your children. I need to have zero expectations for your wife. Tough to for me to do because I cant relate to her.

This Easter is going to be the first holiday without my son. I wanted to say, no, dont go to h's sister's, stay with me. But,of course,I didnt because I want to encourage his relatioship with his father and I want him to feel comfortable enough with me to make his choice known.

FIB: Please stop by 4060, there is someone looking for you.

Will do.

BTW...my 10th wedding anniversary is rapidly approaching.

Sheesh.

FIB

Hey friend, it's hard when those anniversaries come up. I feel like it was yesterday when my 25th came up and h was with ow.
I cant believe my 27th will be here soon.

Try not to let the day get to you. Keep busy and it will pass.

Hang in there.

FIB,

I just read this entire thread and I am honored to know you in the way that I do. You are honorable, strong, righteous and loving. Your steadfastness in the face of the horrible storm you endure is inspirational. Stay strong, pray long and specific, hold yourself together and focus on your children. You amaze me. Thank you.

Hey FIB, how are you doing? Just stopping by to say hi!

SH....thank you for your kind thoughts and support. I tried....for so long to save this. Although I am not super religious, I am spiritual inside. I prayed and tried for nearly 2 years to save my M. Alas, I am more a realist than a religious stander. I was the filer. I lost a lot of 'standers' here afterwards.

Update

Nothing.

We have no conversation. Talk is at a minimal and for necessities only. New VS panties show up in the hamper....teeth whitening strips popping up....texts on our phone bill are up in the hundreds per month from her....she has moved on. I am nonexistent. It's coming time that I stop posting this crap.

My dog, a rescued grey...has been showing increased weakness in his back legs. He's lost 16lbs. I received a panic call from the kids the other day. I brought him in and he has 'canine degenerative myelopathy', or, sorta, a type of multiple sclerosis for dogs. He will have progressive loss of use of his rear legs, eventually requiring euthanasia. He is 12 1/2.

My W, who has spurned the poor pooch and left him out in inclement weather, is now 'so concerned'...texted me on how he is. I can't even talk to her. At the crack of dawn, she awoke to ask how he was.

Me: I left you something to read about him.

That's all I could muster. I had xeroxed a short page or so on his illness. I also did something I regret (minor). Ten years ago when XXX and I moved into our new house and we rescued Sammy, I took some pictures of her hugging him and sent them to the owner of a famous dog who sired Sammy. She has posted the pix on her website....still there after 10 years. I had forgotten about them and when I went back to her website to update her, saw them.

I printed the page out and wrote the following:

This is from 1998. Please discard when finished. Please encourage the kids to walk Sammy everyday. It may slow down the progression of his disease. He's lost 16 pounds...please make sure he gets fed in the morning.

The pix show a happy XXX...hugging Sammy (who she maligned and mistreated throughout)...and smiling with him on the steps of her newly constructed house. I didn't do this for ME...per se..but to hopefully make her more concerned for the well-being of the dog..that she DID hug him once.

Halfway to work, I almost turned the car around to tear up the paper. I would have..if I wasn't pressed for time.

FIB

I'm sorry. About your dog - if you google degenerative myelopathy German Shepherd Dogs should get you to an article written by RM Clemmons - should give you some good info on helping your dog. One of my dogs has something similar - diagnosed last September - he's doing ok on dexamethasone daily.

Hi FIB, so sorry to hear about your dog, is she a greyhound?
My dog was diagnosed with a tumour nearly a year ago now, causing nerve damage and lameness but we are still plodding on.
Other than walking he is doing well,still enjoys his life albeit at a much slower pace.
He was my rock when my world turned upside down and I love him to bits so I know how you must be feeling.
I continue to walk him on a daily basic, its a very slow process and requires a pocketful of titbits but I think it does him the world of good.
Take care.

Why would you tell her to discard the page?

Poohbear!!!

: ) Survivor! How is piercing?

Frank,

What are you doing with your anger? What's your release?

Thanks Jerri. They are starting the pooch on Rimadyl which helps with arthritis but not the degenerative aspect. I've read that German Shepherds are slightly prone to the illness. I'll look up your citation...thanks.

STBXW is talking.....?nicely? to me today...civil? Not sure what the right word is.

It's throwing me off.

FIB

Anger?

Hmmm...I don't think it's anger Jack...I think it's ? self-defense? self-protection? avoidance?

Or maybe just pre-reacting to what I expect will happen anyway???

Not sure.

I'm definitely stagnant or 'stuck'...in something....I can't put my finger on it(duh). Funny thing...I am involved. Tomorrow is opening day and I am asst. coaching my son's team..then..in the afternoon...coaching my D5 outdoors for lacrosse.

Even tho' my house will probably have to be sold, I am working outdoors to clean up.

There is no doubt in my mind that XXX has far outpaced me in moving on.

FIB

PS...poohbear...why did I tell her to throw it out? Hmmm...good question. Perhaps...I was expecting her to dump it on my 'pile' of papers and simply didn't want it to be tossed there as a 'I don't care about you' paper dump maneuver. It was a pre-emptive 'just toss it' I guess.

PSS...it DOES seem that some of the anger has abated and I think that this comes with her realization that she is not going to lose her kids...OR...there is OM4 in the wings waiting for this to be done..or..she is just tired of being angry. Not sure. Only as of two weeks ago, she pulled my wet laundry out of the washer and dumped it into a basket...wouldn't even put it in the dryer. Last Friday..she took D5 to the doc and didn't even tell me that she took her OR that she was prescribed an antibiotic for her ear.

Angry? Nah.

FIB

Jack...

uh...I don't have any piercings...but thanks for asking. $\:\)$

Piecing on the other hand...life is normal. We're going on a little vacation together next week. I really can't complain. Besides, if I did, no one would listen.

FIB...

Call me crazy, but I think you're redirecting your anger.

Quote:

uh...I don't have any piercings...but thanks for asking.

Smart a ss. Piecing sounds so preety and nice and was harder than anything else...hence piercing. : )

I am glad for you and really I think if you did complain a ton of peple here would stone you. : )

Quote:

FIB...

Call me crazy, but I think you're redirecting your anger.

Cha-Ching!! Exactly.
FIB, I might have it totally wrong, but what comes through in what you write...I'm not asking because I am grabbing at straws here. I am asking because what comes out of your post is held in check anger. (To me)

I'm sorry to hear about your dog. I went through that several years ago with my Siberean/German Shepard of 15 years. The horizontal spine seems to be a bad design.

My XW hates animals and thinks they are filthy. Not long after we married, she insisted that the cats and dog live in the garage and the back yard. I should have stood my ground.

After I booted her from the house, the cats were invited back in to live with the kids and I as a family. It was pretty funny to see the expression on W's face when she came to pick the kids up one day and noticed the cats lounging around with the kids in the living room. She wanted to say something, but she knew that the kids already liked having the cats in the house.

Poohbear...at? FIB

Oh Kerry that really was a red flag, I hope you say, love me love my animals on your profile the next time around.

Gosh I even rely on my dogs judgement on whether he likes someone or not! not so much my cats opinion (but she is female and fickle) and in fact always tries to sit on the lap of the only person in a room who does not like cats!

Have you got no dog now as I see only the cats got invited back in?

After taking the old dog for a walk one evening a few years back, she was bouncing all over the floor in pain and could not get up. I had to take her in to a vet to euthanize her.

The 15 year old sibling cats (Donny and Marie) were eaten by coyotes last summer. I still am bummed about losing Donny as he was the most friendly and cool cat I ever knew. The kids want to get another cat, but I am not ready. When the time comes, I dont think that I will let any new cat go outside - too many coyotes and raccoons in my neighborhood.

Oh Gosh,eaten by coyotes! my cat was recently hit by a car, broke her pelvis and lost her tail but is ok now.
My old cat was nearly 20 and died of old age really.

I hope you get some new animals they really do enhance your life and such a comfort.You can never replace the ones gone before I know but they all find a space in your heart.

FIB...

It's obvious you're anger is directed at your wife. Your responses to her is your passive aggressive way of participating in a pissing contest with her. Does it make you feel better when you do it? I don't believe it does.

I'm not saying it's easy. I went through the same crap from my W. There were so many things I wanted to yell at her. I wouldn't let myself stoop to her level. I was going to be the better person.

Your thread title says you are in the acceptance phase. I believe that is one or two phases past the anger phase. Are you really accepting the situation, or are you still stuck at anger?

We all understand that you are in a lot of pain. You've endured much more than a lot of folks would be willing to deal with. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just take a moment to think about your actions before you do them. Take a deep breath, then take another one, and another one. Then think again...then act.

Most of all, think of how you would want your children to act when they are adults in a difficult situation. They will remember these days. Be their role model.

Quote:

My dog, a rescued grey...has been showing increased weakness in his back legs. He's lost 16lbs. I received a panic call from the kids the other day. I brought him in and he has 'canine degenerative myelopathy', or, sorta, a type of multiple sclerosis for dogs. He will have progressive loss of use of his rear legs, eventually requiring euthanasia. He is 12 1/2.

My faithful dog is also 12 1/2 and a large breed adoptamut. He gets an arthritis aspirin as needed for pain but I just started him on a product called Steadfast to help improve mobility. A little spendy for a large breed dog but it claims visible results in 7 - 10 days or your money back.

Take care.

wCW....I started him on Rimadyl as per Doc's prescription.

To poohbear....no...I don't think it's anger. I don't treat her with anger, but, I am still treated with disrespect and it IS still difficult over time. In the last few weeks:

-my laundry, which I do for everyone, is culled out and dumped into a basket wet. I fold hers; she dumps mine
-a completely fabricated letter is written to the LG (printed here)
-my D5 is taken to the pediatrician and started on antibiotics without my notification
-my D5 is nearly dragged out of the house on a cold rainy night with a fever of 100.4, 2 days after a febrile seizure

No poohbear....displaced anger? No. Trying to keep my kids sanity and healthy and give her space and detachment..yes.

No...I have no anger for her. It's the reverse that is true. I appreciate your input tho'...and your support.

FIB

Frank?

Why the hell are you even folding her clothes?

Perhaps anger isn't the right word.

Bitterness...resentment...it is something that flavors your interactions with her.

Do as does...leave her clothes in wet little clumps...or why even do anything with her clothes?

You are too kind, and then you get upset at her for being such a nice guy.

A counselor's note to me:

Quote:

There is one other possibility with XXX: The whole thing with the abuse was a big dramafest and when she grew bored with the drama she regained perspective. I can't tell if that is the reason, but it's something to consider. In any case, it's a dirty shame that so much abuse and self-abuse had to occur before she started acting human again. Incidentally, your leadership role and doing things like telling her to dress appropriately around the children is part of what brought her out of it. Keep it up.

No, you did not fail by filing. You acknowledged reality by filing. There's a difference. You found out that you are tied to a woman unworthy of your attention by virtue of her utter lack of character, lack of self-respect and self-love and subsequent self-destructive behavior patterns. You can lead a woman to the place where she might be able to find some of those things, but not all of them, and apparently once you led her there she didn't have the strength of character to see her mistakes and "drink". As unpleasant as it was, she left you no choice. There is a small chance that she might grow up and find a love for life and herself that allows her to love and be loved, but all that she is expressing and demonstrating right now is need, and she is nothing more than a parasitic dependent. It is OK to watch for signs of change, as women sometimes do straighten up after going through the trauma and such of a family break up, but do NOT wait or hope for change.

It is one of those things that is possible, rarely seen, and therefore unlikely. The way you describe her going immediately to school with help from her mom also betrays a serious lack of commitment and character, by the way. So you're more perceptive than you think

I know this response may not sit well with most, but, I prefer to keep things 'reality-based' for now.

FIB

Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

You are too kind, and then you get upset at her for being such a nice guy.

The root of upset is not kindness. I see him trying to take a higher road. But in kindness you cannot expect ANYTHING in return. The expectation is what breeds bitterness, not a kind heart.

So FIB, take a look at why you are folding(or anything else you are doing 'for' her) and if it comes with an expectation of reciprocation, I agree with J3B - don't do it. But if you want to honestly take the high road, that's awesome, just be realistic with what your expectations are for doing the act.

N.

Hi FIB,
thanks for posting to me. I have been following your sitch but dont have much to say that hasnt been said already...
Protect yourself, your kids, your psyche (spelling?). That's all you can do. And take the first exit out as soon as possible.
Stay strong
K

PS You would have to be "superhuman" or dead NOT to feel anger...

Thanks Kalni and N...still here.

My next court date is 4/23. As most know, the holdup is the financial appraisal of my practice. Every time I think they are done, they ask for more papers....more account information..more bank statements. They cannot move forward with custody until the appraisal is done. I think...I HOPE..that this week it will be. Otherwise, it's another 1 - 1 1/2 months til the next date.

I look at the positives. Each delay is another few weeks that I get to see my kids on a daily basis. Of course, the irony is, I am locked in here with her. Lazarus, on Star Trek.

I gave my W a piece of paper listing 2 counselors I called and liked and asking her to call them and see if she approves. Writing, still, is better than trying to converse with her. I hand wrote it this time to make it seem less 'legal induced'.

As you can tell from the quote above, XXX has actually called me twice in the last 2 weeks with....hmmmmm.....I guess the best way to describe it is.....'dialog'. Either going with the kids to here...or...can you watch them at a certain time.

OK...are ya ready: BABYSTEPS!!!!!LOLOLOLOLOL. But...NOT towards RECONCILIATION......towards.......LESS ANGER.

Yes...THAT'S IT....BABYSTEPS TOWARDS LESS ANGER. ROFLMAO

This Saturday is my 10 year wedding anniversary.
Next month is three years post-bomb.
Two weeks my D5 becomes D6.

Milestones of sorts.

FIB

PS....I could do a whole post on the 10 year thing....our past hopes, dreams, plans that we had for it...but...I won't. It serves no purpose.

Strength and honor.

Originally Posted By: Abraham Lincoln

The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.

N

I start this post ...at court..as usual. The lake stands outside reflecting the sun, surrounded by the blooms of yellow forsythia. It belies the pain and anguish that lies within this building.

I'm good today. As is typical, both parents of XXX are here standing by the elevator. I walk by steadily, head up. I used to sit nearby. I choose to walk further down and sit in a small cul-de-sac. I read or do a crossword puzzle. I choose not to watch their laughing, nonchalance etc as if what is happening to our children means nothing.

I used to be very intimidated to come here. No more. It's a pain but I will do what I need to to survive this and keep going for the kids.

At times I feel great inner power in moving forward. At other times I feel like a deer caught in the headlights..wondering how I got here and soon to be hit by a freight train.

I'm OK. I even think I am ready to date when this winds down more.

Well, if the appraisal of my practice is done, the bigstuff begins. FIB

Good Luck today,
keep a vision in your head of how you want your life to be down the road and focus on that while waiting. Whatever you go through now, in there, the next few months, brings you closer to that. Make the picture as "perfect" as it can be, smile at the thought of it. Try to "feel" how it will feel. Protect your self.
xxx
K

The appraisal is still not done. June 9th is the next court date. Today was a wash. My G-d. Autumn?

FIB

Preparing a new thread if this closes:
Keel-hauled but more time with my kids

FIB

Oh FIB, this is really getting ridiculous. It's like a cruel joke.

There is no reason why you shouldnt walk with your head held high.

Fib, I know how difficult this is for you. My heart is breaking for my son who is stuggling so much. I could not imagine going through this with young children.

You know, children really dont need much. They need to know they are loved and accepted and safe. They need to know that they have someone they could come to when they are in trouble or need to talk. They need to have someone who is always on their side no matter what and that they could make mistakes and still be loved. So, I know your children are going to be ok. Here's why - you.

Just try to get through this. It is a finite amount of time. Then take it slow and begin your new life. Do not try to think of everything all at once. Take it step by step. Day by day.

You always said something to me and I really believed it when you did - "You are going to be ok." (and so are your children) - I just know it.

Hang in there, my friend.

Happy Anniversary FIB...10 years today.

FIB