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Posted By: kissak Wondering how to handle things - 03/05/09 06:25 PM
.....I really have no idea what the title of my thread should be anymore....I dont know what to do, and I dont know why my H keeps doing this.

Honestly I feel sorry for him. I would not want to live in his head for a minute, no wait!! Not for a second!!

Since he told me last Thursday he had decided not to come home, he has regretted the decision since day 2! He has constantly been trying to make sure of my every move! He wants to know who is calling me, where Im going and what Im thinking.

Ok, I know this cant continue. I know things are still the same. I know if he comes back, he will leave again.

But I have been standing for my marriage for over 2 years now! Do I just give up on him? DO I move on with my life? DO I ignore him and his thoughts? Do I talk to him about this and remind him what he said Last week about not wanting to come home and promising me he wouldnt do this to me again??

I hurt for him. Im glad its not me going through this. I know he cares about me and is just scared....afraid it will never work, afraid of not giving me the best. Is he afraid he would never be true to me?

I want my marriage to work....but Im stuck between what is the right thing to do and what I want to do.

I want him to change. I know for sure that he is going through a crisis and he doesnt want it. He is suffering and I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for him? Yes, after all he has put me through, I still love him and want to be with him, but I dont wanna keep going through this. I dont know what to do. Im not sure how to handle this now. Its like he has 2 different personalities or something. Its like something happened to change his mind or make him regret the decision that he made.

Im fine really....just concerned about my H. Why? cuz i care about him and still love him.
Posted By: brandnewday Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/05/09 06:29 PM
I am glad you posted as I was a little worried I had scared you off after I read your last post.

Kissak, you have to do something different.

Do a total 180.

How have you normally reacted when he has decided to move back home again?

Have you ever enforced any boundaries?
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/05/09 06:35 PM
Hey BND...No you didnt scare me off, I truly listened to what you said.

The thing is I know I have to do something different. But i have done all things from ignoring him, to being his friend, to just talking about kids and finances and everytime he does this. I have done all the 180's.

Whenever he has told me he wants to move back home I guess I have always listened to him and he listens to me and my concerns. I have enforce boundaries in the past.

Now the only thing different I can think of to do is to say NO, you cant come back....ever? And I cant do that. I just cant make myself say it, I dont want it.

Ugh. sigh....
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/05/09 06:36 PM
What kind of 180 can you suggest?
Posted By: stella_k Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/05/09 08:09 PM
Hey Kissak!

Let's see how my 180 will work out.
If it'll turn out poorly, then at least we'll know what not to do \:\)

But after all these months in limbo one's patience wears thin...
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/05/09 08:45 PM
Thanks Stella....Patience is something I have always had....but yes, it is wearing thin and i hate limbo....I hope yours turns out good!
Posted By: brandnewday Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/05/09 09:44 PM
Kissak,

I know you love him, but you are also looking at this situation through rose colored glasses. You think he is your whole life and you can't possibly live without this man in your life.

You are afraid that if you turn him down he will think you don't love him and you will lose him.

You seem to forget that you are the one in control here, not him.

He is afraid of losing you, do you understand that.

So, Kissak, what is it that you really want?

Are you really prepared for him to come home? Or are you living in the fantasy of a happy ever after that you think you will have once his clothes are unpacked.

Piecing is really really hard, and if he comes hime for the wrong reasons then he will walk out of that front door again.

Kissak, again I am going to ask you, what is it you really want from this Man?
Posted By: forward Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/06/09 01:23 AM
K, What if you just don't do anything for a while?
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/06/09 02:30 AM
Actually Breton...Im not gonna do anything. He hinted around all day that he wanted to talk about things, tonight at tkd, I said nothing. Just acted 'as if'. So nothing really happened.

BND....I dont think he is my whole life and I know I CAN live without him. That is not what Im afraid of. That I am absolutely sure of. I dont NEED him at all. I have been doing fine on my own for over 2 years now.

But, you are right when you say that if I turn him down Im afraid of losing him. Afraid of not knowing. Afraid of losing the 15 years together. That is what I am fighting against in my head right now. I know he is afraid of losing me. ANd I know Im in control....that is true.

I am prepared for him to come home. I am ready to do the work...my concern is that he isnt ready. He has come home before and I know how much work it is. He however is the one that wants instant results. I know that it takes alot of work and patience....I am ready....I dont know that he is.

Im not trying to stay in the same cycle, the only reason this last time I was willing to give him another chance was because it had been 8 months and the OW was finally out of the picture and remarried. I thought for once he could focus on "us".

I guess I am just struggling with havin the courage to turn him down until he is ready. Which I think I am coming to terms with....Now if I can just go through with it.
Kissak,
It seems to me that you're already being courageous by not reacting to fear, and impulsively letting him back. You're hanging in there with your fear, and that's not easy to do.

Try to think this out and not let fear make the decision for you. How is letting him back before he's ready to work, going to make it less likely that the R will end? Somehow you think there is greater security if he's in your presence.

What action on your part will increase the likelihood of the R working-out in the long run?

What will help you to stay with the fear, even longer without reacting?

CL
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/06/09 02:44 PM
Good questions CL....thanks for posting. I will have to think about those things before I can answer.

I am doing good this morning. H called the kids this morning like usually, I spoke with him briefly and kinda rushed him off the phone because I had to finish getting the kids ready. He wanted to know why I was in such a good mood too..I told him just because it was friday. He acted suspicious like usual. Then texted me when I hung up, that I must be having a good day because I rushed him off the phone. Then said I did it differently than before. ??? THen he said he was sorry for me not to worry about it, it was just him.

So, Im not worried about it. Im going to enjoy my weekend with NO kids. They are staying with him! Time for ME time!!!!
Posted By: Cinderellaman Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/06/09 03:03 PM
Good for you Kissak, I hope you have a great MEekend !!

Take care x
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/06/09 06:02 PM
Originally Posted By: Cinderellaman
Good for you Kissak, I hope you have a great MEekend !!

Take care x


I like that! MEekend! Hope you have one too Cinders!!
Posted By: brandnewday Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/06/09 11:48 PM
Kissak,

Your Husband sounds so insecure.

You don't have to turn him down, just set boundaries.

Maybe have a date night, and start slow.

Let him court you.

Let him win back your trust.

You can do this!!!
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/08/09 02:28 AM
Thanks BND.....He is very insecure....VERY! I am trying to set those boundaries. We have had date nights in the past. Winning back my trust wont be easy. But he can certianly try.

He has been acting so weird this week. I even confronted him about the way he acted the other night.

His reply was he was just wanting to agravate me.

Basically his fear is....someone else being with me. He would be happy if he could lock me up and not let anyone have me.

I know I can do this...but OMG!
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/09/09 12:53 AM
Well, I had a great weekend! The weather was wonderful and the kids were with their dad. I enjoyed every second of it!

My H however, well he was very worried that I went out with someone on Friday night. But he didnt bother me at all....not until 1am Saturday. He texted me and said he hoped I got home ok....of course I was in bed asleep. I didnt bother to text him when I did get home as I saw no point in it.

He told me Saturday that he was mad at me for not letting him know I was home....but I reminded him that I didnt have to, just like he didnt when he went out the weekend before.

He thinks in his mind that i went out with some guy....I just told him what I did was none of his business. He went on to tell me that he missed me and how I must not miss him at all.

Im trying to be patient.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/09/09 08:38 PM
So, do you miss him? Did you reassure him or let him think what he wanted to think?

Just curious...
Originally Posted By: kissak

He thinks in his mind that i went out with some guy....I just told him what I did was none of his business. He went on to tell me that he missed me and how I must not miss him at all.

Im trying to be patient.


Kissak,
Well done.

CL
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/10/09 01:36 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
So, do you miss him? Did you reassure him or let him think what he wanted to think?

Just curious...


Well, I do miss him, in a way. I told him of course I missed him, but what good did it do me to sit around and sulk about it. I could have lied and told him that I didnt miss him, but that would have hurt him. He can think what he wants, but I wouldnt have been able to lie about that.

I did see him last night at tkd. Now, he is trying a different approach. He is trying to seduce me. lol.

Its not working.....I told him "I dont think so". Weve been down that road. ONly last time I knew who he had been with. This time, I have no idea. I told him that he would have to get tested and all that fun stuff before I would ever go down that route anyway! He didnt like that...oh well. Didnt stop him from trying.

So, he is very curious of what I do. If I dont answer a text, he calls me. If Im not at work, he calls me and casually asks were I am. He does it in such ways that he thinks I dont notice what he is doing.

Thanks CL.....He has gotten use to me saying "its none of your business".

Funny, Im out here typing and he texted me a few times and I didnt answer...so he calls.

He is scared to death, I think, that I am gonna find someone else.

Just trying to move forward in some way with my life...and he keeps wanting to keep me here.

Im trying not to be sucked in this time.
Posted By: stella_k Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/10/09 01:57 PM
Quote:
He is scared to death, I think, that I am gonna find someone else.

Just trying to move forward in some way with my life...and he keeps wanting to keep me here.


It is so hard though, to move forward... With these guys doing all in their power to slow you down, then, once you start listening to them, again, giving you a cold shower and running away

Stay strong, Kissak, (((HUGS)))!
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/10/09 02:03 PM
Very True Stella. Seems like its always been that way...I start listening again...then he runs. Just taking one day at a time right now.
TOday, is a good day. Yesterday Was a downer for me. I know he got off early yesterday and my gut was telling me that he went to get the sep papers from the lawyer. Of course I dont know that...just a fear I have. He hasnt so much as mentioned them at all since I gave them back to him with my changes way before thanksgiving last year.
Of course there isnt much need now to file them when we could just file for a D.

I dont know. It all scares me.
Posted By: brandnewday Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/10/09 08:14 PM
Kissak,

Fear is not from God.
Fear will keep you stuck, it will keep you from moving forwards and from making the right choices.

The worst has already happened to you, the rest is just paperwork.

"When I am afraid I will trust in you".
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/10/09 11:45 PM
Just paperwork....Im trying to see it that way. Guess to me it just finalizes it all. But your right....fear will keep you stuck....but I know that once it happens I will be ok...its just getting to that point.

Having Faith in God is what has gotten me through all of this...but fear is just normal I guess.

Thanks BND.
Posted By: brandnewday Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/10/09 11:53 PM
Absolutely!!

I lived in fear of a Divorce for so so long, it was crippling.
I couldn't see life after a Divorce, to me it seemed like a death sentence.

One day I realized that my Marriage was already over, and the worst had already happened, he had left me and moved on with his life.

Once I got over the fear of a piece of paper I began to truly detach, and learned how to be happy again.

The ironic part to my story is that when I finally became detached and started a new life with a new attitude, my Husband wanted to come home again.

Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/11/09 04:28 PM
Thanks BND...but when I do start to detach some, my H wants to come back. Then I give in and it all goes down hill I guess. That's probably the 180 I need to do now. DONT GIVE IN!!

He has been very calm this week. Last night he came over to get the kids for a few hours and ended up staying a little while to help my dad repair the back deck. I think he still feels like it is still his home. Well, finally when he decided to leave I walked him and the kids to the truck and he said they had to go cuz "mommy probably has somewhere to go". Well, I took my phone out of my pocket to just look at the time....he then asked if I had a phone call. I just looked at him and told the kids I would see them in a little while. He said good bye and I replyed. THen i walked back to where my dad was and my H follows after a minute....just to tell my dad bye again. ?? THen he left. Then he texted me saying how i just walked away because I didnt wanna talk to him. ok...I dont answer, so he calls me. Actually he called a few more times while they were gone. He is so curious to my whereabouts when I have no kids with me.

I dont get it. If he's scared of me finding someone else....why doesnt he just say something or just say he wants me...i dont know. just pondering on some of this today. He even texted me today and asked if I looked nice today? Ok...what kinda question was that? I just replyed I hope so and then he calls me.

NO 2x4s please...Im trying to analyze when I know I shouldnt be. But I cant help it some days.

I just wanna know what all this means? I know I know....get a life kissak. Just having one of those days....lol.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/11/09 04:49 PM
(((((Kissak)))))))

Oh, I understand the analyzing! It's hard not to especially since your H seems so freaked about losing control over your time. You do realize that is what he is doing, right? He is trying to control you without being overt about it. By him questioning you and keeping in constant contact with you about EVERYTHING he is keeping you from stepping forward truly with your own life.

Passive-aggressive behavior.

It's very hard to identify. My xh was the same way. Always wanting to know what I was doing, who I was talking to, finding excuses to need to drop by. No more. I put my foot down about my boundaries and flat out told him that being in constant contact with him was not healthy for me and it was making my healing more difficult. He didn't want to hurt me anymore than he had so he stayed away and only communicated to me about our son and then only by text. It made it much easier for me and now we can talk again. He still asks me what I'm doing, where I'm going, but I don't answer unless it involves our son too. I don't flat out tell him it's none of his business, I'm just very vague.

I know you've heard all of this before. It's a matter of being reminded of it and applying practices that protect you from getting sucked back into his insecurities and being controlled by subversion! \:\)
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/11/09 04:57 PM
Thanks Mishka...that all really made alot of sense to me. I do believe he is trying to control me but not making it obvious.

I only wanna know why? lol. Guess I will never know. Why would he not want me to move forward with my life? I do try to be vague about what I am doing, but have told him things are none of his business. I think he knows that now. But doesnt stop him from vaguely asking.

I sometimes just wanna say "grow up".

I havent texted him today other than to answer his texts. Its better for me that way. I dont start any conversations with him lately. I let him do it. Sometimes I dont answer....but then he calls me. Sometimes I dont answer them either....
Posted By: stella_k Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/11/09 05:44 PM
Kissak,

I think he is also projecting his own ideas of being "friends" with other women onto you. He doesn't like the idea of you getting attention from men and probably forming a "friendship" of your own.

My H is not a gelouse type, but yesterday he admitted to me that he felt uncomfortable thinking of me left "unprotected" against attention I might be getting. Given that we were separated for 6 months and he was living with OW full time and the attention was not nesessarily unwanted, LOL, that was very telling.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/11/09 05:56 PM
Thanks Stella....I know the idea of me being with someone else bothers him. He has told me that. But has also in the past said that is just something he will have to deal with.

I know he has made alot of woman friends over the last 2 years....of course he has also said they arent true friends because they will go a while without talking to him. He usually has to start the conversation with them. To him, thats not a friend. So, when I go days without starting convos with him, he starts doing the same. Then goes on to say that I dont miss him.

So confusing...but trying to occupy my mind with other thoughts when analyzing him comes to my mind....
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/11/09 06:27 PM
Yup! Thought stopping....BIG HUGE RED STOP SIGN IN YOUR HEAD! \:\)

I am definitely of the opinion that he does it because of his own insecurities and that is why he controls you in this way. It's all done subconsciously of course. He isn't making a conscious effort to be such a PITA, it comes naturally....isn't that reassuring?

At least your H thinks you have the option of meeting and falling in love with someone else in the future! My H has told me he knows for certain that I will be alone the rest of my life because of my trust and self image issues. Unfortunately, he's absolutely right. C'est la vie. *sigh*

Have a blessed day Kissak. When all else fails, PRAY!
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/12/09 05:29 PM
Mishka...how can you say that your H is absolutely right??? Dont let him win on that!

I however still stay confused over my H's actions. I try to place no meaning on them, but however at times i cant help it.

This morning he texted me. Then called me later to let me know how come he hadnt talked to me today..Said he went on a rescue call. I already knew that, but let him tell me anyway. He let me know it was some of his family in an accident. But they were ok.

THen about an hour later, he stopped by my shop. I was a little surprised. He never stops to see me, even when we were together.

Of course not much was said...soon after he walked in the door, my mother came into the shop. So, he left after a few minutes. Then texted me to say that I seemed surprised he had stopped by....i just replyed "kinda". Then he texted back "U smiled too".

Oops...I did smile...but what on earth is he trying to prove? I hear the vaccumn sucking quite hard! I also know that he would love to be intimate with me. Said he misses "all of me". Ugh....so is he trying to suck up and be nice to me thinking i will give into his needs? I dont think so!! For as bad as I want to give in at times....I havent in a while.

Not gonna happen now. I already told him that.

Funny, i had a guy come into the shop that i know today...said that there was gonna be a game on today...said I would miss the soaps....I told him that I didnt watch the soaps anymore....told him MY life was a better soap opera than what I see on TV....lol.

*sigh*
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/12/09 09:54 PM
Ha! Better than a soap! That's a good one Kissak.

Boy, your H just won't get the picture will he? He walked away, you stepped back and got your own life and proved that you are just fine without him and that made him lose his control over you. Now he can't stand that and is trying to reel you back in. Be the sock in the vaccum cleaner kissak!!!!!!!!!!

\:\)
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/13/09 01:21 AM
lol....be the sock! YOur right about that!

He is trying to suck me back in it seems, but sometimes Im not so sure.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/15/09 02:03 AM
Having a pretty good weekend. Spent the day with the kids. Met a friend and her kids for lunch. Our kids played together for a while. Took them to a bday party for my nephew.

H texted me tonight...said "you know what, I do miss you".

*sigh*
Posted By: cagzmom Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/15/09 03:58 PM
Man girl you have gotten so much stronger!!

you are doing awesome... and i love htat "Be the sock"..
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/16/09 08:43 PM
Thanks Cagz....good to hear from you!


Well, H is trying his hardest. Keeps telling me he is missing me. Ok, I understand that. Im sure alot of our spouses miss us. But that doesnt mean its gonna work out. THat absolutey does not mean he is ready to come home. If he didnt miss me, it wouldnt be normal....BUT i dont know how he can miss me. He talks to me nearly every day. See's me several times a week.

Im trying really hard here. I just listen when I can. I havent done much talking. Its like what he is saying isnt holding as much meaning to me anymore.

I do miss him, yes. But not like I use too.

He does have therapy today. Im sure his therapist is going crazy with him changing his story every other week. But maybe she will help him some today.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/23/09 02:01 PM
ohhh, Im just not having the best of mornings. I dont know why, but I woke up in an ill mood. My daughter is almost a teenager and likes to try my patience. Especially in the mornings. Well that set me off, then I found out that my H didnt send my son's coat home with him last night, so I called him this morning to see if he would drop it off on his way to work, only to find out he werent working today. THen he goes to say that HE told me that he werent working today. Then I just kinda got irritated with him, I told him that he did NOT tell me that and he claims he did. Always have had a problem with him saying he has told me stuff when he hasnt. It really bugs me when he does that! SO I just got a little bit rude with him and hung up! I was not in the mood to argue with him today. THen after my kids got off to school i just went and had a good cry in the shower. Havent done that in a while.

Sometimes life just seems so overwhelming to me.

Then after i calmed down...i texted my H an apology for being rude to him.

Just having one of those days.

Well, I do have an interesting story to tell. I had a guy come into my shop this morning. He wanted to send flowers to a girl he was really serious with about 5 years ago...well he had dumped her for another woman, married this OW and now he has figured out it was all a mistake. He has gotten divorced and now wants another chance with this one whose heart he broke.

He asked me what I thought about what he should put on the card.....lol, how interesting he would ask me. I would love for my H to realize the mistakes he has made and want to send me flowers trying to win me back.

sigh*....here's to another Monday.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/23/09 02:26 PM
So, what did you tell him to say? Curious as to your take on the situation.

Don't beat yourself up too much kissak. You are doing fabulously with everything. Raising two children, especially with a hormonal pre-teen girl is a challenge in the best of situations. In your circumstances, it becomes even worse! You have to let off steam sometimes. I think it was very adult of you to apologize to your H for being rude. Just make sure you don't make excuses to him for any behaviors though. He doesn't deserve that much. \:\)

Take care of you, happy Monday!
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/23/09 02:41 PM
thanks Mishka...Even though I didnt feel like apologizing to him, i felt it was the grown up thing to do.

I told the guy how about "I made a mistake and Im sorry" for beginners. This woman is going to get these flowers out of no where after not talking to this guy for years. I have no idea what her reaction may be.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/23/09 04:43 PM
WOW! That's really amazing. Does he know if she is single?
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/23/09 06:27 PM
Hey Mishka...he told me she was single. I dont know how he found out though.

Funny he came back to the shop to see if they had been delivered. He wanted to know if she liked them. I said I dont know, but I would love to get an arrangement like that....he walked out the door laughing and said "are you single?"....I just laughed and said "almost"....lol.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/23/09 06:43 PM
HA!!!! Too funny. Well, I guess if he wanted to know bad enough and they had any aquaintances in common it would be easy enough to find out.

Nice flirting!! \:\)
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/27/09 02:01 PM
How are you doing kissak? I've been thinking about you.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/27/09 03:19 PM
Hey Mishka...thanks for thinking about me. Im doing ok. Had an off day yesterday. But today is better. Although my son is sick with a bug thats going around. Hopefully me or my daughter wont catch it.

I have to work this weekend, which Im not looking forward to.

Yesterday I asked my H since he got off early if he would meet me at the tax office and sign our tax papers. He wanted to give me this nonsense that he would do it later because "he had to go to the post office". That just struck a nerve in me, like the post office wont be there later...anyway, it irritated me and so then I didnt stop to sign the papers either, I would just do it today...well when he found out I didnt stop to sign them after "fussing" at him about it, he got a little mad at me.
SO, that put me in an ill mood with him. I guess I still let the fact that I dont trust him get to me, even though it doesnt matter anymore. My first thought was why cant you go to the post office later and that he must be lying to me. I need to work on that some.

Hope youre having a great day!!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/27/09 05:42 PM
Oh, it's a day.

I can understand not trusting him. Has he given you any reason to? \:\) Good luck on that one. ;\)
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/30/09 01:56 PM
I saw on your FB that you had a bad weekend. I'm sorry. Hope your Monday is going better than the weekend did.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 03/30/09 07:59 PM
Thanks Mishka....

My son has been sick all weekend and I had to work on top of that. I took him to the doctor today and he has 2 types of the flu! Even though he got a flu shot back in the fall....although they said that might have kept him from having it so bad. But he has done nothing but sleep and run a fever since Friday. The doctors said No school or anything else all week, to help protect his immune system, he may have already gotten strep throat too...wont know till tomorrow though. So, seems I will have alot of time on my hands all week, since no ball practice or tkd or any church...Gonna be a long week. Then I have to wait to see if I or my daughter come down with it too!

I have been struggling with my H lately. Things are bothering me more lately. I think its because the one year date of separation is only 10 days away. He could file for divorce then if he wants, and its really stressing me out.

The last week he hasnt been so overly interested in talking to me so Im thinking someone else has caught his attention for the week.

I have to say that last weekend I went to a party on Saturday night...well I hadnt intended on telling him at all, but by Sunday, he knew everything about the party I went to including where! and I didnt tell him anything!! Why would he be so nosey to do that??? Wait, nevermind...I know. lol.

I seem to have a cough today, Im hoping its just allergies...and not the flu.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/01/09 08:03 PM
ok...please someone help me out here!

My H asked me yesterday, how did I know that he didnt want to be my "man"?

Uh, the obvious? He left. So, after getting the feeling he was once again hinting around at something, I just told him that I thought that me wanting my marriage to work was just a known fact. He replyed and told me that not everyone can go on assumptions.

??? So, now Im like...what is going on. Why the sudden interest in me today???

So, he comes to work, acting a little stiff? Then I figured it all out! He was hiding a hickey on his neck!! I had to do a double take to be sure, but I was definitely sure thats what it was! SO, I asked him....why did I think he would tell me the truth? Oh, no, it werent a hickey, he didnt know what it was, maybe razor burn where he had shaved?

ok I have put hickeys on his neck enough to know what they look like! He was standing there lying to my face! Once again!! Denied it to the point I almost caught myself believing him!! He is soooo good at this lying thing.

What do I do now? Tell him I know he was lying or just let it go?

It just makes me so mad and brings up all the other times I thought he was lying about stuff....I feel so stupid.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/01/09 08:18 PM
LOL, tell him if its not a hickey, then it would be ok if you put on on the other side to match since its not like someone else would notice.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/01/09 08:23 PM
Kissak,

Look I am sorry it is hard to even begin to trust them but still want to. We aren't fools, and that is why it hurts.

If he asked how do you know he didn't want to be your man...simple tell him what you told us.

Tell him that if he wants your trust, then stop lying AND be preapred for you to believe he is lying at times even when he isn't. That your going to scutinize almost everything he says and does for awhile. Sorry borken trust is hard to heal...but it CAN heal, if both people want it to.

Freely given trust to someone who has broken faith is worthless.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/01/09 08:29 PM
Thank you Jack...I have really been wondering how to word that. He does need to be prepared that I am going to think he is lying at times even when he isnt.

Trust is the hardest thing to get back and I feel like I do give it too freely.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/01/09 08:30 PM
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
LOL, tell him if its not a hickey, then it would be ok if you put on on the other side to match since its not like someone else would notice.


Funny \:D
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/01/09 09:19 PM
I'm in agreement with Jack kissak. My inclination would have been to just let it go, but then again, I'm not trying to restore my M so there you have it! \:\)

I hope you have a pleasant evening.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/02/09 12:34 AM
Thanks Mishka...but i think my H is really going to have to feel like he has lost me, because he just about has. I dont know if I can keep putting up with his lying. Only more of it has come tonight. I can put up with alot, but all the lying is just really getting to me. I dont understand it. I dont know what to do.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/02/09 03:12 AM
Unfortunately, IMO, the only thing you can do is decide if you are able to let the lies flow off your back or not. Personally, I couldn't do it anymore and when I called xh on the carpet for them and showed him that I wasn't willing to accept his BS anymore, that is when the crap really hit the fan. I hope you can find a more diplomatic way to stand up to him than I did. I'm afraid that once they start lying, it's nearly impossible for them to stop. The lies become reality to them and they can't differentiate between their fantasy world and the real world anymore.

I pray you find peace and understanding enough to let it all go for your own health and wellbeing.

Take care of you and your adorable kids.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/02/09 01:28 PM
Well Mishka, I dont think I can do it anymore and I did call my H out on it last night, of course he denied it, said he didnt lie, but in fact last night he met with a female last night and had dinner with her, but told me he was just gonna ride and find something to eat. I told him I was tired of him lying to me or actually not telling me all the truth and making me think he wanted to come back. Im just tired of it all, and i have the biggest headache this morning over it all.

I dont understand it, I wanna tell him to just come home, but then again, I dont want him here. I think it is just from months and years of wanting him home, its like I want to win the fight. But then again, I dont know that once I won, that I would actually want him.

I didnt text him back for a while last night and he said "i guess youve stopped talking to me, thats ok alot of people have".

I found out he quit EMS/fire...again on Monday. How can he say he is so much better off now than when we were married. He had it all, and now has nothing, not even his friends.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/02/09 03:46 PM
Quote:

"i guess youve stopped talking to me, thats ok alot of people have".


When you want me to talk with you (not to you) then you'll let me know when you are completely honest. I deserve it.

You want him back, but you want him back living within your boundaries...it is the only way it works...or you'll be back here all over again.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/02/09 04:41 PM
I agree with you Jack.

I do deserve honesty. I am honest as I can be with him.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/02/09 05:00 PM
He is the one sniffing around Kis.

You know you don't need him, just want him, and even that is tarnishing with his behaviour.

All or nothing.

You are so much better than you were when you first got here, and even then you deserved honesty...so that being the case...what does the kissak who has grown so much in that time deserve?

And can she enforce and get it even if that means it doesn't come from him are you capable of standing up for your self esteem?







I think you can.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/02/09 05:00 PM
PS stop agreeing with me guys or at least saying it outloud...it makes me think you want to sell me something. : )
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/02/09 05:04 PM
Your funny Jack...

I KNOW I can!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/02/09 09:54 PM
OMG! I've never had a man tell me to stop agreeing with him!! It must be some kind of history in the making! \:\)
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/07/09 02:28 PM
Well, today is the day. Its been one year since the date of our separation papers. I guess my H could divorce me at any time now if that's what he wanted. Although, I dont think it's gonna happen anytime soon unless I make that move.

So, other than that, its a wonderful day so far. I have dreaded this day for a while now, but now that its here, well, Im ok with it. I'm enjoying my life and being with my kids.

Hope everyone has a lovely day!!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/07/09 03:24 PM
(((((Kissak)))))

Bringing you hugs to help ward off the sad thoughts of this day.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/07/09 04:48 PM
Thanks Mishka! Im having a great day so far! No sad thoughts here!!
Posted By: forward Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/08/09 01:29 AM
Kissak, we have been S 2 years now, and 1 year since he filed papers (about). I don't think he is going to do anything else, but who knows.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/08/09 02:31 PM
I guess the bad thing it not knowing. I had a friend who was served divorce papers last month. She expected them of course, but was shocked at how it made her feel. She was upset for a while about it, but I think she has finally accepted it.

I have invited my H to eat Easter dinner with us on Sunday. Us being my parents, siblings, their spouses and kids. So, he is coming. He still feels comfortable around my family just because they are so forgiving and they love him. They will say in a heartbeat though that they are disappointed in him. But they all still get along.
Posted By: imLIN Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/08/09 03:12 PM
Kissak...

I have been on "vacation" for a while but I just want to jump in here (haven't read all the replies so excuse me if I repeat something)...

I think the major thing you really need to answer for yourself BEFORE you can entertain the thought of working on the R with your H is this...bottom line...will you EVER be able to trust him again?...you really need to think about this because a R can't work unless trust can exist at some point. Yes, it has to be earned...but sometimes there is so much damage, so many broken promises, so many broken trusts that one just can't EVER trust that person again...and when that is truly the case it is best to take control, respect the memory of the 15 years you did have but let go of the heart felt hope of a future with him...

One thing I did learn from all of this is that if I had felt at all distrustful of my H and worried that he would do "it" (IT can be anything that breaks trust from just not loving you anymore to having an affair) again then I would have had to work on letting go of my one life dream of being married to my high school sweetheart and growing old with him...because without trust all my dreams would carry a black cloud that would not be fair to me...and it wouldn't be fair to him...

Now that being said...it is possible that right now you could say, "I honestly don't think I could ever trust H again." You could move on with your life (doesn't necessarily mean with someone else, cut the string, get the divorce and start living YOUR life for YOU...not for him...not for the dreams...not for the PAST 15 years...then who knows, down the road...H's actions start showing a different side of him...not one that just wants you because he doesn't want someone else to have you (think little kid with a toy that he doesn't want to play with but won't let another child enjoy it either)...he has his confidence, his morals, his own self in line and as friends you start making a connection...a NEW one....not one based on those 15 years...you could feel trust...and pick up and move forward with him...

I really think he needs to be let go...or pushed out...one or the other...because only then will he address his own issues...as long as he holds control over you with his emotions he won't ever grow from where he is...where he has been for the past 2 years...and I feel that the only reason he is not with OW is she got tired of the game that no one wins at...had she not moved on I think that whole drama would still be playing...

So...right now...in this moment with his actions as they are (you have assume that he won't change...you never marry someone with the idea of changing them, remember?)can you EVER trust him again?

take care, Lin
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/08/09 03:37 PM
Whoa......well said Lin! I didn't know how to put that into the right words.

Yeah Kissak.....what she said!

(((((KISSAK))))) Hugs to you sweetie!
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/08/09 03:49 PM
Thank you Lin for taking the time to post to me.

Yes, that has been the one major question on my mind all along. "Can I ever be able to trust him again?"

You have no idea how much that question comes up in my mind. I have told him that is my concern. He knows I cant trust him now.

I can see how that would always cause problems. My worry is how to get past that. Can I get past that?

And your right, I have no doubt if the OW had still been around letting him play this game, it would still be going on.

YOuve brought some good points out though for me to think through.
Posted By: imLIN Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/08/09 04:03 PM
Kissak...as I see it you keep asking yourself if you can trust him again...you need to ANSWER that question...like I said, what is EVER today may not be later...but it lets you move forward...and put your energy into yourself and your family...you can't keep giving your energy to H...he takes and takes...a quick way to ruin FOREVER is to empty the tank now...

I am serious...I have followed your sitch on and off since you arrived...I believe it is time for you to answer THE question...right now, today, can you EVER trust H again?

If the answer is no, then you need to let it all go...me, I would file the divorce and 180 his butt...he will spin and may even go out of control for a while but it won't be YOUR problem...take back your life...you have given and given...before your empty with nothing to rebuild with later...end it...move on with your life...and let H figure his out...
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/08/09 04:19 PM
True Lin.

Kissak, the control of this sitch is entirely in YOUR hands now. So, take the control and use it to put yourself in the position you want and need to be in. Of course, like Lin says, you have to decide.

I'll share with you how I made my decision. My xh is the one that left, he's the one that filed for D in the first place and then was content to let me hang in limbo forever with no resoution. I asked myself these questions:

1)If he came back to me again (already had twice and left shortly after back to OW), could I really accept that he had changed his heart and was going to give us an honest try? NO. I was sure he would turn tail and run again as soon as something didn't go exactly the way he wanted it.

2)Would I continue to question every word out of his mouth? Even the small things seemed like lies to me now. Would I feel that way forever? YES. He had done so much damage, not only since he left but even before that. My wary heart and head could not accept that he was capable of telling the truth about anything anymore because the lies rolled too easily off his tongue.

That was my thought process and that is the reason that I pushed the D through myself. He was content with the status quo, I felt like I was stuck and tied to an anchor that was weighing me down and slowly drowining me.

So, sink or swim K? You decide.
Posted By: imLIN Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/08/09 04:25 PM
Mishka...that is where I see Kissak at...she NEEDS to do something for HER...no one here really wants a divorce...that is why we come here...some are fortunate...I am in that group...but some really NEED to cut the rope before...as you put it...the anchor slowly drowns them...

Kissak needs to really assess the situation...the two questions you asked yourself are exactly what I was getting at for her...they NEED to be answered...and once answered honestly...ACTION NEEDS TO BE TAKEN...it doesn't make you a quitter it makes you a conquerer...you then have the control, the power, and more important YOUR LIFE!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/08/09 04:46 PM
I like that Lin.....conquerer! Good one!!!!

Kissak, nobody 'wins' in a D, but at some point it becomes nothing but a codependent crutch and not love. Love is a powerful emotion but you have to have love for yourself too. That is how you break the destructive ties you have to your H. Sometimes, breaking that tie is the most loving thing you can do for yourself, your kids, and your H.
Posted By: Sanderika Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/08/09 05:11 PM
Hello all....

I am Sanderika....AND I might as well be kissak.

I have been at this since 8/05.

I just read this entire thread and have just burst into tears.

I too should ask myself the same question.

My H has come in and out of my life steady for 3 1/2 years now and I let him because I too am afraid.

We are High School Sweethearts and have now been together for 30 years (minus the last 3 1/2 in his MLC state). My H has maintained a R w/ the same OW.

I CAN live alone and take care of myself, son and home. I have done that. BUT, I love my H and I too want him home. WHY?

Can I trust him again?

He does lie. He keeps lots of secrets about his world while the whole time wanting to know everything about mine just like kissak H.

He filed for a D on Oct 3,'08. 3 weeks later he was hanging around us again. He won't leave me completely. He too is always trying to be physical with me. He does not want me with someone else. In court on 1/20/09 he told the judge he wanted the marriage and would reconcile it within 6 months. Well he is still with OW. He is spending more time with her than us. We maybe see or hear from him once in a 7-18 day period.

I make no contact to H ever, for no reason, ever (including issues about son). It is H who makes contact with us. I feel I am ready for a D because I am so tired. I need to gather the strength myself to just put an end to this charade once and for all. I can bring this back to court before July if I want to. I do not want a D and I do love my H and I feel that alone stops me dead in my tracks from breaking the destructive ties that are holding us together.

Thank you all for this discussion, it has helped me to focus on what needs to be or should be done.

Best wishes to all...

Sanderika
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/08/09 05:26 PM
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
I do not want a D and I do love my H and I feel that alone stops me dead in my tracks from breaking the destructive ties that are holding us together.


I feel the same way.

I know I need to answer my own question. I know its time for an answer. I know what i need to do. But I have to know that I am ready to truly mean it before I do it.

Its all I think about really lately.

Thank you for all your thoughts guys. I truly appreciate them and they have given me lots to think about to help me with this decision.
Posted By: imLIN Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/08/09 05:31 PM
Sanderika,

Sorry to hear this...Like you I started dating my H when I was 15 and we married when I was 18...and while we did save our marriage after a 2 year seperation I learned that after a certain point the love I was holding on to was the IDEA of US..I was the one that file for divorce...the first time I chickened out and had him go to court with me to call it off...a few months later with NO contact from him I filed again...because at that time I knew I couldn't trust him...I saw no moves from him to earn that trust and I knew that my love was not enough...and I didn't want to put all of my love into an empty pot.

Long story short...before the next divorce was to be final H moved back to town after he said he would never do that...he said he wanted to be closer to our son...but he started seeing me and taking me out...it was then that I started to see the changes in him...granted I took him back a little too soon...I was able to weather the alcohol rehab and depression (that he was forced to admit to without alcohol) and he got the help he needed...then we were able to rebuild...

I can tell you though, had he not moved back to town, had he not made the effort to love me again I was truly ready to end the whole thing...yes, he was my sweetheart and yes I pictured us forever being partners and being in love...the dream was the hardest thing to give up...but the second time I was ready...

You never know what the H's will do...but I would say with yours having the same OW...for this long...I would call it a day and let him figure it out without me...if it rocks the boat that think will always be in the safe harbor waiting for them then you can always go from there...but it it doesn't...you have your answer and you can move on...find new dreams...build a new life...make your own way...

It is hard to imagine, I know...when you grow up with someone to even imagine that they could ever do this to you...but the reality must be faced...and you need to resolve this within yourself.

Best of all to you...
Posted By: Sanderika Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/08/09 05:44 PM
Hi kissak,

I feel you and I are in the same boat.

I completely agree that we have much to think about.

I, like you, think about this all the time.

I also need to know that I am completely emotionally ready to make a decision and hold my ground. It has been a long road and I am much stronger than I was earlier on in this sitch. I feel every day brings me closer to bringing an end to this. My H is certainly incapable of making a decision and sticking with it. I have been the rock he can come back to time and time again when he needs a place of stability or the safe haven from this MLC storm he is over his head in. I am tired.

On many days, I feel a D is the only solution. I feel that will create my H to face his problems once and for all. As long as I am here to lean on when times are roughest for him he has no reasons to make permanent changes. I feel we don't see him when things are going great in his world. This has taken a huge toll on us all, H included. We cannot ever get back the time we have lost and we can never have the same marriage we had before. After all this we are different people now.

If my marriage is not reconciled I don't even think I want a relationship again after all I have been through. This has been the most devastating experience. I have gotten up off the floor only to be knocked back down again so many times I have lost track. There isn't a wife alive who deserves what these husbands have done to us emotionally.

I have until July to make up my mind once and for all what I want to do. I hope 3 months is enough time for me to learn to let go once and for all. In my brain this is the right decision, it's getting my heart to agree.

Take care kissak.....

Sanderika
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/08/09 07:57 PM
You know Sanderika, I felt like you have an insight to my life.

And it is hard to be ready emotional to make a decision to divorce or not. I honestly dont think I could file for a divorce right now. I have always said he would have to be the one to do it that I just didnt think I could or should since it's not what I wanted.

But I dont see any reason why I cant move forward anyway. Its not like Im looking to start another relationship with anyone. How can I when I still love my H?

To be honest with myself, I havent truly trusted my H in quite some time. Even when things were going good years ago. I guess I just let things, lies roll off my back. I just didnt want to see things so I ignored them. Pretended like I didnt see them. Or I just believed his explanations.

I guess because I did it for so long, that's why I have such a hard time with "can I live with someone I dont trust?" I did before...I know it probably makes me look weak and all, but Im just trying to figure all of this out in my head. The thing is now I dont think I could let the lies roll off my back. Why could I do it before and not now?

Thanks for posting Sanderika, makes me feel better to know that there is someone else with a H like mine! Sad to think there is more than one of them out there!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/08/09 08:35 PM
OMG Kissak, I didn't realized he had lied all throughout your M. My xh did the same and coming to the realization that I allowed it in order to keep the peace was the hardest thing I did.

Plain and simple.....these men are broken and need to fix themselves. Until they do, they are no good to anyone at all.
Posted By: Sanderika Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/08/09 09:33 PM
kissak,

I said the very same thing....

I would not file for a D because I love my H and it is not what I want. It was my H that eventually filed. After I received the papers I hired a Lawyer. She advised me to counterfile, which I did. The D is not under his sole control that way.

And, it's funny....H filed for a D and then almost immediately didn't want it. I actually do not believe he really wants one. I believe more that the OW is the driver of that car. She would have a cow if she realized that our D schedule was postponed for 6 months because H told the judge he wanted the marriage. Actually it is written as such on the documents the judge signed and returned to each of us. Maybe she will find them in his office some day.

My sitch in a nutshell...

In Oct. '04 my H mother died of cancer. We watched her die for 3 months.

Two weeks before she died my H was burned in a propane explosion
in our camper at a Nascar race.

I firmly believe that these two events threw my H into a MLC as he began to face his own mortality.

Now for my part in the demise of the marriage...I had always worked two jobs. One being my own company with my H which I put in between 40-60 hours a week. And a bookkeeping job for a local contractor on the side which takes an average of 5-6 hours a week.

We also have an Asperger's Syndrome child and frankly my H never really bonded with him.

About two years before my H found the OW, I began a depression. It was triggered by feelings of overwhelm, exhaustion, pity. I of course had no reason to want pity. I had a wonderful husband, a wonderful son, a nice home, a successful company and we were financially in a very good place. For some reason I found myself wanting help from my H but I would turn him away along with anyone else who tried to help me. I began a war of one against the world and I am not quite sure why it all happened to me. The overwhelm and exhaustion could have been cured by quitting a job but I was very stubborn and wouldn't. I actually got to the point where I turned my H down for sex time and time again, which makes me cry hysterically today. I was in a state after my H got burned and my MIL died where I was very difficult. At the end of the day I would go straight to bed and I found I wanted to sleep all the time. At the same time in June of '05 I lost my very dear Aunt Honey to cancer and this took me down very deep.

My H went for a motorcycle ride with a guy friend on 8/7/05 and that is when he met the OW. He dropped the bomb to me he was leaving on 8/16/05 and he left the house slowly and then eventually in September of '05. I did not go with my H that day for the ride because my girlfriend had decided to stay home with their daughter so I decided to stay home with my son. We both thought the guys deserved a guys day out. What a huge mistake.

Now I have always believed that my H must have been unhappy and rightfully so. He probably had emotionally checked out on us some time before he left. I honestly didn't see it coming. I was devastated from the git go.

We worked together at our company until March of '08 when my H through prodding by the OW ousted me from our company and hired her and her best friend to fill my position. I had 25 years invested in this company and was and still am it's CFO and Treasurer. I have done odd work for the company from home and she doesn't know about it.

My H did file for a D on 10/3/08 and on 10/18/08 and since has maintained with me that he doesn't want a D. This is so very confusing to me because he has not gotten rid of her. In fact it appears from time to time that they are nearing a break-up and then like now seem like two peas in a pod together forever.

I have been through more trials and tribulations than I can imagine. This has been the worst experience of my life.

I learned right away to have patience and consideration and forgiveness for my H which I honestly feel is what has held us together this long. I always treat my H well. I can't obviously say the same about him towards me. And that hurts like he!!.

The decision to move forward in this D will not come easily. In fact I dread having to make the decision. I do not feel though that my H is trying to reconcile this marriage and if he is we have two very different ideas on how that is accomplished.

My H has lied to me continuously since finding the OW. I have my ways of finding out truths and I have caught him continuously only without confrontation. I keep a journal and a watchful eye on the company thanks to the internet.

I am actually way ahead of him with my knowledge of his comings and goings. Some call it snooping, I say knowledge is power and one day, if needed, I will use it. It is my hope I do not need to use it and that he will return and honor his admission in court.

I saw a writing once that labeled the basis for GOOD marriage AND the writing used a building or a structure as an analogy:

First, there is the FOUNDATION, which if solid is a good place for a beginning.

Then there are 4 posts holding up the rest.

Each post represents something required for a good marriage.

LOVE

TRUST

FORGIVENESS

COMMITMENT

In my sitch I believe I HAVE Love, Commitment and Forgiveness. I have to admit that trust is questionable.

My H has forgiveness and love only, if I were to answer for him.

I feel we mutually would say we have a foundation.

I truly believe my H loves me.

NOW, without all of the 5 crucial elements in place, a marriage will not be stable and will be compromised, like a structure or building.

Sorry for rambling on you kissak, I do this sometimes.

I will close, it's time to fix supper here.

I will visit again. You and I have a lot in common for sure.

Your new DB friend,

Sanderika
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/09/09 02:31 AM
Wow Sanderika, sounds like you have had a rough few years. I can say the last 2 1/2 have been the worst of my life. I just try to think of it as God trying to prepare me for something better, or to teach me patience and understanding...which I seem to have plenty of.

I think the hard part with my H and I is that he and I get along great! We talk more now than we did while we were married, probably even see each other more.

See, about the last 5 years of our marriage he threw himself into the EMS/fire dept. He was there all the time. I guess I should have known something was going on. Of course the day he told me he was leaving I begged him to tell me there was someone else, at the time it would have seemed easier to let him go if there was, but he denied it completely. One week later he was dating a woman from the dept, who coincendently left her H the same day he left me. She was the OW. They both denied anything going on up till then.

He was back and for so many times between me and her that she finally got feed up with it and moved on.

Of course I finally got my H to admit that he did cheat on me with someone while we were married. HE wont tell me who with to this day. I have a feeling who, and I think it was with more than one person.

My H told me about a month ago that he didnt want to come home. He thought long and hard about it, yet 2 days later he was coming back around. Being nosey about me and all.

Its the same cycle and I see it only continuing. He is in counseling once a week. Which I think is good for the most part. We tried MC in the beginning, but only to pacify me...he didnt want it, so therefore it werent going to work.

I know he loves me. It has taken him 2 years to be able to admit that and say it again. I love him too. But I need to get out of this limbo Im in. But I cant bring myself to file for a divorce. It goes against what I believe in.

I do pray to God for his guidance on this.

I know things will work out as they should.

Whatever that will be. Divorced or not.

I can finally say though that I am alot better than I use to be. The pain does pass. It is easier now.

Glad to have a new friend on here.

And Mishka, yes he had lied alot to me about things in our marriage. He still wont admit to alot of things. And Im sure there is lots I dont know about.

He was in the Military for the first year of our marriage....gone alot....so i always have wondered about the things that went on.

But its all in the past.

Posted By: Sanderika Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/09/09 02:22 PM
Good Morning kissak,

I mirror your thought that the past 2 1/2 for you and 3 1/2 for me have been the worst years of my life.

When my H left me I did the typical crying and begging, literally on the floor at his feet. I soon realized it was driving him further away. I realized I must look pitiful.

One day two weeks after he left I decided on my own that I would change my life. I now believe it took him leaving me (the kick in the butt) for me to see the downward spiral I was on. I did a 360 in about 30 days and I have not looked back. I changed my thoughts and appearance. I immediately tried to wear a smile instead of a frown. I immediately realized it was easier to be nice to people instead of mean. I liked the changes I was making and that was the motivation for me to continue. I also knew if I had a snowball's chance in he!! to get my H back I needed to change. I saw a doctor and got on meds which I took from September in '05 until May of '06. I have been a new person ever since and I did it alone.

I actually have thanked my H for doing what he did because I know down deep I would not have made any changes without such an awakening trigger.

My H was gone from our lives completely (except I saw him at work) from Sept. '05 until Jan 3, '06. It took him 4 months to come back around and start to notice the changes and admit his part in our separation. I knew the whole time by the way he had found someone else. He did deny it the entire 4 months.

Everytime my H grows distant and there are too many times to count I begin to panic. I always begin to think that he has decided to leave for good. But, he never really is able to leave. He has told me recently that he cannot have a permanent relationship with OW because he cannot get over me. That is where I want to trust him, I am finding it very difficult.

We, like the two of you, get along great. We laugh and have wonderful talks. We have so much in common. I miss him when we are not together. The time has not lessened that for me. I am truly in love with him and do believe we are meant to be together, sole mates if you will. We have always shared so much and have been through so much together even before this all happened. My H is a cancer survivor as well. He got cancer during our 5th year of marriage. I stood by him and do feel I had a great deal to do with his recovery. He has now developed type 2 diabetes and I want to be there for him as much as ever.

Kissak, we knew this would be the most painful journey we would ever embark on. I think neither one of ever realized our H's would be gone so long. I agree we have learned many valuable lessons along the way. I for one would not trade what I have learned. The pain is easier but it never really goes away. Some days are better than others. I have many more good days now than bad. I am not sorry I am a stander.

OH, school just called my son isn't feeling well....got to run.

Take care,

Sanderika
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/10/09 07:44 PM
OK...Im just a little ticked off today...

H is always so nosey to my whereabouts...that I asked him what he was doing this afternoon...I got no answer by text. I asked because he said he was going to get our son from me today since he had the day off and I had to work...well, by 1:00 this pm, he was a no show, so I texted him...got no answer. Of course not, he doesnt answer when he doesnt wanna talk to me...

well, finally 2 hours later, the day is half over for me, why come get our son now? He comes by and I asked of course how come he didnt answer?? He replyed he was working on a lawn mower.

Ok, I was just making conversation...whose lawn mower??

He wouldnt tell me. Looked straight at me and said NOTHING!!
Ok...I just replyed "ok sorry, I guess it's not something I need to know".

He said "no, that's not it"

I just looked at him and walked away pissed off cuz He ALWAYS asks me stuff and wants to know. UGH! Then he wants a hug when he takes our son and leaves!! I just walked away. Shaking my head....Now I gotta be all nice to him because he is doing something for me this afternoon that I didnt ask him to do but its saving me lots of money!

I am about ready to go down and file some papers!!

Funny story...my friend got her divorce yesterday. Her H left her for OW, well she of course has waited her year, he served her with papers, and on the day the D was final...he bugs her allll day about it being a mistake! He wants her back!! SHe is telling him NO WAY! Not after her begging him for the past month to leave his OW ! I think that is just the best story for her! It made a difficult day for her just alittle bit more enjoyable!

Hope all of my friends on here have a Happy Easter!!!
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/14/09 02:56 PM
Hope everyone had a nice Easter!

Mine started out going downhill fast on Friday.

I accidently ran over my daughter's cat! I felt so horrible because she was with me! I was mad and angry at myself. I mean, I have backed out of that driveway everyday forever and the cats have always moved! But not that day. It was very sad. But we gave it a nice memorial and buried it under a tree in our back yard.

I had to call my H though to come and do it, I think this was our first family pet to pass away. Now, she wants a dog.

My H surprised us all on Sunday by showing up at church! I had no idea he was coming, although I had invited him to dinner that day. He came over and we had a nice dinner with all my family. That was a great day!

Well, that was just a little into my weekend.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/14/09 04:29 PM
Sounds like a good Easter even considering the bad start to the weekend. So sad to have backed over the cat, but honestly....ummm....hello....large car coming! Get out of the way! Don't feel so bad. You did memorialize the kitty.

Nice that your H showed up to church. I'm sure the kids were happy about that.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/14/09 06:42 PM
thanks Mishka...the kids were very happy to see their dad come to church. I was surprised only because I hadnt asked him to come. Its always an open invitation though.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/20/09 03:41 PM
Well, nothing much going on really. Had a good weekend. Hope everyone else has.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/20/09 04:27 PM
Hope you have a great week kissak! I'm off to FL later this week for fun, sun, waverunners and lots of good times with my cousins.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/21/09 02:12 PM
Wow Mishka! Florida? Can I go???? I need a vacation! lol....hope you have lots of fun! It's so nice to get out of the normal everyday stuff at home. Take's your mind off stuff.

Im thinking about taking my kids to the NC mountains this summer. My H's parents have a place up there and Im sure they would let me stay with the kids. Its so pretty up there.

Trying to save some money so I can take them somewhere this summer.
Posted By: Sanderika Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/21/09 10:44 PM
Hello kissak,

Just wanted to say hello to you....

Glad you and your family had a nice Easter. It sounds like your H made lots of effort to be with you all for the whole day.

Sorry about your daughter's kitty.

I understand completely the frustration about the hot and cold behavior we get from our H's. It is all so confusing. I just take it day by day. My H is actually very nice to me when he makes contact with me. We are always happy and chatty and have fun with each other. At least that is my opinion. We are now at a point if I ask a question I get an answer, I can almost ask him anything I want and he is open and honest. I know which subjects to steer clear of.

My H will also not answer his phone if he doesn't want to talk to me. He also won't answer if he is with the OW. NOW, when he calls me he gets frustrated if I don't answer my phone. If I don't answer my cell he will call the house number and vice-versa. He seems to keep trying until I answer one of them too.
See, they have to keep tabs on us. It's not really a two way street for them though, because if they want to hide out they just do it and seem to think nothing of it.

My H is still up to all the same tricks. I wish it would end.
I still have hope that we will reconcile. I am not sure that we will though.

I sincerely hope your H stops the games and comes home to you and your kids.

Have another good week....take care,

Sanderika
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/22/09 05:38 PM
Thanks Sanderika....I wonder if your H is related to mine?? So many similarities....lol.

Things have been pretty cool between me and my H lately. I know he still talks to his therapist about wanting to come home. Im just doing my best to live my life. Im not gonna pursue a divorce though. That's up to him at this time. Im not interested in dating or anything like that right now.

My H had his hot water heater break last night and asked if he could use my shower...so I was nice and let him. My son wanted to know if daddy could stay with us till he fixed his water issue....It was funny that he asked like it wouldnt be unusual for him to stay. I just told my son that daddy would have it fixed soon so he wouldnt need to stay with us.
Posted By: Sanderika Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/22/09 09:27 PM
Hi kissak,

I think they are either related or they both have read the same how-to manual "Life in MLC Land for Dummies".

Just last night my H called my cell at 8:50pm (I was upstairs getting my jammies on, my cell is in the kitchen) and when he didn't reach me that way he immediately rang the house phone.

Aw, your son would really like Daddy home. It breaks my heart what our kids have to go through. I hate it that they are old enough to remember this forever. My H doesn't even have a clue what this has done to our son and the damage it has caused to their relationship.

You are like me, I am not pursuing a D. I have no interest in dating. I am happy for you that he is still showing interest in coming home.

Like me you probably are always thinking of something you can change to spark more interest. Things I have tried to change lately are being more flirty and sympathethic towards him. The sympathy is easy and the flirting is hard. I am ever cautious not to end up hurting myself.

You sound really good I must say, I for one like being more in control of my emotions. Back at the beginning of this I was a "train wreck" 24/7 and I never thought I would be able to have a "good day" again and now I have them all the time.

Time hasn't healed my wounds, Time has made this easier to handle and I am a much better person for having lived through this ordeal.

It's all about looking forward and not looking back.

Make every day a "good day".....

Sanderika
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/28/09 08:20 PM
You know Sanderika I try to make every day a good day. Sometimes its easy and some its not.

Today was great! I went with my son to the beach on a trip!
We had a good time! Im ready to go back with both my kids soon.

My H mentioned last night that Ive seemed distant for the last week or so. I dont understand how he got that, unless its because I dont talk or text that much to him anymore. It gets old sometimes. Also I have felt so worn down lately. Its alot to deal with running a business, taking care of 2 kids that are at that age where they wanna argue about everything and anything! And its ball season, etc. Im tired and I need a break!! Thinking seriously about going somewhere alone after ball season is over. Cant miss one of my son's games. He is playing first base this year! Im so proud of him!!
Posted By: Sanderika Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/29/09 01:51 PM
Hi kissak,

I know what you mean about the difficulty of "good days".

We have a lot of demands and responsibility on our plates.

I am so glad you had fun yesterday with son. I wish things could turn around so life would be a "beach" everyday.

I live in Maine, the beach is about 15 miles away and is a little too cold still, it will be another month here before it is warm enough to really enjoy. We have a short season and try and make every minute count up here.

I don't get these guys. Your seeming distant to your H, and I am apparently sending mine mixed signals about reconciling. NOT!!! It's all in their crazy, mixed up, state of confusion heads!!!! It's these comments that make me realize they are still in a fog and have a ways to go.

Where would you like to go for a break to recharge? Maybe you could get a family member to take the kids for a time and just stay home and enjoy the peace and quite.

My son gets out of school on June 22nd and then I am shipping him off to summer camp on June 28th for two weeks. I am looking forward to my time alone as my break. I have not made any plans.

My son is in track at middle school and I hear you....I wouldn't miss a track meet either. This time is way too precious to miss a single minute of...

I hope your burdens ease up a little. Try and sneak in a little "me" time...sometimes it's as simple as finding a new book to enjoy or taking a quite walk that brightens an outlook.

((((Hugs))))

Sanderika
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/30/09 06:40 PM
Thanks Sanderika, I do need a break. Im actually thinking about asking my H to take the kids a little more during the summer this year. I am thinking about going off with a friend of mine for a weekend this summer. Just us girls. SO looking forward to it!!

Oh, I have to tell this. Last night when my H stopped by something, well, he always gives me a hug, my son said to him "now give her a kiss on the cheek" well he did, and then went he left he told the kids that he loved them and my son said "what about mama" so he said "and i love you too". ITs like my son has it in his mind to play matchmaker. I think what is bringing this on by him is that he has a "girlfriend" (my son is only 8). Well he told us he held her hand on the bus the other day!! So, we had told him what is and isnt acceptable behaviour with a girlfriend at his age! OMGOODNESS.

My kids are so different.....my daughter who is almost 13 wanted to dump her boyfriend because he wanted to kiss her!! Which is fine with me!! Im not gonna complain!
Posted By: a new 2moro Re: Wondering how to handle things - 04/30/09 09:31 PM
well bnd lives in nh ani live in maine
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/01/09 03:53 AM
I'm in GA....a little closer.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/01/09 01:57 PM
ok...are you guys suggesting that I go to maine, nh and Georgia for a vacation?? lol

Ive been to Georgia, MIL lives there. Never been to Maine or NH. So Mishka, how about you meet me here and we drive up north? lol

Id really like to go to Tenn....but I wanna take my kids there, so, maybe just a trip to the ocean for me, since its only an hour away and i know my way pretty good.

I AM SO GLAD ITS FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!

NO KIDS!!(except for ball games and church)

Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/07/09 05:19 PM
OK....Vacation recommendations please?? Anywhere on the east coast! Cuz I sooo need one.

This has been one of those weeks at work. Nothings going right it seems.

AND Im letting myself worry about stupid stuff that doesnt even matter! Or at least shouldnt matter anymore!!

The OW that my H was dating last year, the one that got married to some guy she dated 3 months...well big shocker, they have separated! After only 6 months of marriage. Saw that one coming. But why am i letting it get to me...I know why, my H has been acting a little different the last few days....I cant help but wonder if she is calling him again.

I just dread her coming back into my thoughts again, although I know I have control of keeping her out, but good grief!!

Still no sep papers, no divorce papers and no talk of getting them from him either!

SOrry...just needed to vent my thoughts! I think being so stressed lately over other things is making this sitch with the OW bother me and I know it shouldnt!!

Pray for a better day. And weekend!

Need a vacation!! lol
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/07/09 05:33 PM
Ok, vacation suggestions first......because you definitely need one.

Outer Banks (not too far for you at least)
Colonial Williamsburgh, VA
Crabbing town on the Chesapeake Bay
Cape Cod
Rockland, Maine - lobstering town - very quaint

Second.......gee, big shock that the OW is separated. Um, hello, 3 months and married. How dumb is that? Of course, that is her problem, not yours. If your H allows himself to be sucked back in by her, then he's even weaker than we all thought. Let him go Kissak. Decide...what do YOU want?

Do you want a D? Are you done with him? Do you think he could ever become a man you could respect and trust?

If not, then why do you need to wait for him to get the papers to you? Do it yourself. Be proactive and control your own life.

I am in no way advocating D, I'm only asking the hard questions to hear your honest take on it.

So, what is your next step? What does Kissak want in her life? For her kids?
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/07/09 05:45 PM
well, the outer banks sounds like a good idea. I could take my good friend along with me. Just for a weekend getaway.

Second, I dont want a divorce, Im not quite done with him, dont ask me why please, lol. And I do think that someday he could become the man I once respected and that maybe I could trust him again. Key word "maybe".

My thing is I want to still be his friend. But if the OW ever came into the pic again, I couldnt be. Way too much drama with her. She doesnt trust him and then drags me into the drama. I dont wanna go there again, whether I move on or not.

I think about slowly just drifting away, but then would he? He is very childish on somethings like this.

Like he can go all day without speaking to me, but let me miss 2 or 3 texts and he starts with the "you not talking to me" stuff.

Im just tired and its all getting to me, I think I even resent him for just having so much free time. We both worked long hard days yesterday and he got to go home and relax and worry about him....i had to go home and take care of kids and home and work and then me later.

Im just tired and Im too young to be tired and worn out!!
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/07/09 05:53 PM
Quote:

but let me miss 2 or 3 texts and he starts with the "you not talking to me" stuff.


If you can get away with being playful:

Try:

"Techincally we are texting. So, you're the one not talking, I'm the one not texting. : )
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/07/09 05:57 PM
well, I may try that one.

then he would just call me a smartie pants. ;\)
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/07/09 06:59 PM
Better smartie pants than dumba$$.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/08/09 01:11 AM
True, since he is the dumba$$
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/09/09 01:47 AM
Well, Im exhausted! What a long day....worked 13 hours, then came home and worked some more! Meanwhile, my H is out getting drunk and texting me....I think Im gonna turn my phone off and go to bed. Im the one that should be getting drunk after the week Ive Had!!! (kidding)

I hate to say it, but sometimes I resent him for having so much free time....but I wouldnt trade my kids for nothing!

Hope you all have a happy mothers day!!!!
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/09/09 11:07 PM
OK>>>GOTTA VENT Some

Im feeling sooo resentful today I cant stand it!!

I have been working my butt off the last week, even have to work tomorrow!!!

I worked all day today, came home and mowed, and worked in the yard! Way too much to do still. Tired of not having any help and having to wait on other people.

Today, well my H watched the kids for a little while, then dropped them back off to me while the rest of the day he has spent relaxing, watching tv!!!

OH I NEED A HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!

sorry....just had to get it out and I hate to admit it, but I almost called my H and told him the same!! Safer to do it here!
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/14/09 06:40 PM
Well, this has been quite a busy week for me.

H and I had it out through text messaging the other day.

He has the kids this weekend but needed me to watch them while he works...which I usually do, but when I told him I had plans on Sunday but could take them with me...he told me not to worry about it the he would just handle it...then he told me that he would just handle BOTH days!

Oh, he was in a mood. I asked was he ok, he said "yea", then "I will be". He has been in a sour mood, then purks right back up. He did tell me that there was just alot of sh@t going on right now.....have no clue?

I wonder if the exOW has something to do with this, since her H and her split up, BTW, I havent even let onto him that I know and he hasnt mentioned it to me either.

Looking forward to the weekend though!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/14/09 07:05 PM
So let him handle it. I know, I know....this is about the kids...blah blah blah. Seriously, he needs to learn how to live as a divorced person if that is what he wants. It's what he decided so let him deal with it.

exOW? Puhleeze......she's a non-entity right? You don't need to let her entertain your thoughts at all right?

There ya go......good girl......let it all go. \:\)
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/16/09 03:09 PM
Thanks Mishka...

Hope your having a good weekend.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/26/09 06:18 PM
So, what's going on in your world sweetie?
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/27/09 01:35 AM
oh, not alot...kinda quiet. Son played last ball game for the season tonight.

Ive been kinda in a mood today in response to my H's dont give a sh#t mood. He irritates me to no end. He is very NON talkative for the last month. He will only say he doesnt know whats bothering him. He just doesnt feel like talking to anyone. I know it shouldnt bother me, but it is. So, really its been very quiet around here for a change. Nice in a way, but then again very weird.

I wonder if its all finally getting to him. But I know I cant let myself be bothered with any of it. Not my problem.

But I have started changing my eating habits over the last week and have lost a couple of pounds, so that is good!! My goal is to have about 20 pounds off before the summer is over!!
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/28/09 01:41 PM
Helloooo, anybody out there today?? lol

Well, tomorrow is my 16th wedding anniversary. I feel ok about it. Not really dreading it or anything. I wonder if my H will remember.

Hope everyone is doing good!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/28/09 02:00 PM
((((((((((kissak))))))))))))))

I'm sure it will be a little bittersweet for you. Keep that chin up and a smile on your face....keeps 'em guessing!
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/28/09 02:49 PM
\:\)
Posted By: Grace_O Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/28/09 04:24 PM
Hey kissak!

I hope all is going well and tomorrow goes well for you (minimally that it doesn't stink).

HUGS
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/28/09 07:23 PM
Thanks...I hope it dont stink either!
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/30/09 11:17 PM
just having a down kinda day.

had a good crying spell earlier.

I think its because everyone I know is busy today with their sig other.

i guess I need some single friends.

Its days like today that I want my family back together so badly
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/31/09 04:47 PM
I hear ya sister! When your friends are busy and you are on your own it really does kind of hammer home the loneliness.

Yes, get some single friends. Where can you meet single female friends in your area? Church? Community club? Recreation department classes? There has to be a place that women congregate around there. Find it! smile

You are a spunky, outgoing woman. I have no doubt you will find people to connect with so you will be able to further GAL!
Posted By: Grace_O Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/31/09 05:03 PM
kissak,

I hope things are a little better for you today. Mishka had some good suggestions. There are also some online things where people meet up based on common interests (not necessarily a dating thing). I'm less inclined to go that route, but I'm old and cynical. Ok, cynical wink

I have no doubt you can do anything you put your mind to.

HUGS
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/31/09 09:36 PM
Thanks Mishka and Grace.

Im better today...not alot but some. I really think its because I feel like Im in limbo....I have no clue how to separate myself from my H in a way that I need to.

Im having a hard time with things lately. I guess I just need answers. 2 1/2 years is long enough already. I feel like im being dragged.

But on the sunny side! I lost another pound. I even had a dinner today at church and I ate only what was on my plan! No sweets, breads or carbs! I did great! But it all looked so good!

Now I need to eat some supper!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: Wondering how to handle things - 05/31/09 09:47 PM
you and i should talk! you can find my thread under infidelity, its called he is back, i think.


my h originally left in oct 06, similar to your time frame, he has come back and left 2 times since, most recently this week.

i havent followed your thread much, but maybe we can help eachother, it seems my h has crawled back into his hole once again with the ow and left a huge mess on my side.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/02/09 02:05 PM
Well, I am having a pretty good day so far.

I got a good look inside my h's head last night.

He is weird. I told him that and he said thank you.

Then he told me that even his therapist said he was weird.

He seems to be in his own little bubble.

He has no emotions. No nothing. I could have said anything to him last night and got away with it!

He seemed not to care about anything.

I think this is just his way of not thinking about anything.

He is still in crisis.

I feel better after talking to him though. Made me see that he is still the same. Not that i ever had any doubt.

Hoping for a good day and with God anything is possible! even the Impossible!!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/02/09 02:24 PM
You got it sister!

Glad you are having a good day!

I guess whenever you start to doubt yourself or your R with H, just talk to him for a few minutes and that'll straighten you out! smile JK of course!
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/02/09 02:39 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422


I guess whenever you start to doubt yourself or your R with H, just talk to him for a few minutes and that'll straighten you out! smile JK of course!


Actually that does work! smile
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/10/09 04:03 PM
I have to say that when my H is up, he is really up, but when he is down, it is way down...there is just no in between. I cant keep up with him anymore.

So, he stops talking that much to me over the last month or so. That has kinda gotten me out of the habit of talking so much to him....so, now what does he do?? He wants to know how come Im not talking to him much anymore??? UHH, maybe because when I do I get nothing back! Its boring talking when he is down...but now, lately he is back up again...almost a high. So, he wants to talk alot more than I am....

I cant keep up with him at all...He is just so inconsistant!!

Anyway, doing pretty good lately...just celebrated my daughter's 13th birthday! I feel old now...lol.

Hope everyone is doing good.....dont hear from anyone much anymore...except those few good friends that keep checking in on me. Guess my sitch is kinda boring for now.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/10/09 08:02 PM
Boring is GOOD!!!!!! drama-free is awesome!

Do you know if he is still in C? Just curious if he might be having some sort of effects from AD's or if this is just his norm now. Was always up and down while you were together?

I saw the pics of the bd party! It looked like loads of fun. Your D is absolutely beautiful. You must be so proud! You feel old? Ha! I hear ya on that one! My son is 14, 15 in November, and it's KILLING me! smile
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/11/09 02:08 PM
Thanks Mishka...my daughter had a blast! And she is beautiful, inside and out!

My H is still in counseling once a week. He is not on any meds anymore. He was never up and down when we were together. That just seems to be normal for him now. It just confusing to me.

He has called to talk to me the last few days...just chit chat. Sunday we are suppose to all go to a ballgame together with my son. We will probably ride together considering its an hour drive...dont know if Im looking forward to it or not...I guess it depends on his mood that day.

Yes, sometimes boring is good.

I read over the MLC stages again yesterday. I think somewhere along the acceptance stages, they can act like kids, or something not normal for them....I saw that in him last week at my son's tkd meetings....he was really acting foolish, immature.

Weird....thats what i call him now.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/17/09 03:01 AM
will someone please talk to me!!!! I need to know why my H would text me and say that I insulted him today and then he REFUSES to tell me WHY???

All he could say was for me to think about my afternoon!!!

UGH! the ONLY thing i can think of was that he texted me today and I didnt answer right away, then I didnt give an explanation to why I didnt answer, like he was probably expecting.

Im so irritated with him right now...I even told him that!! All he can say is that he cant or wont tell me now!

Im reaching my boiling point with him!!
Posted By: MrBond Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/17/09 03:08 AM
Okay, first thing to do is take a deep breath.

Next step is to forget what he said. Our WAS's have a tendency to blame us for their own unhappiness. They'll say that "we said something" to make them upset, yet not tell us what that is. My W's been doing that when we S'd.

There's no sense trying to figure it out or overanalyzing it. Just calm down and try not taking blame for something you didn't even know you did wrong. It could just be his own anger and frustration. Don't let it become yours.
Posted By: shewholurks Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/17/09 04:22 AM
Kissak,

Why would he refuse to tell you what you did? My guess is that you are not paying him enough attention and this is his way of getting back at you. You didn't DO anything. He knows how to push your buttons and for whatever reasons today decided to do just that.

Let it go, girl. He will eventually tire of the games if you refuse to play. Be breezy when dealing with him. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he got to you.

He can't tell you because there is truly nothing to tell.

Hang in there and don't forget to breathe.
*hugs*
~ swl
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/17/09 11:37 AM
I was about to say the same thing SWL said so I won't repeat.

Hmmmm.....he didn't INSULT you when he had an A and walked out? smile Hey kettle....you're black. Awww...thanks pot.....
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/18/09 03:15 AM
yea, a friend of mine said "he insults you every day just by being around". You are all right. I think he really just wanted to make me feel bad for not paying him some attention.

I have really been in a mood today.

I honestly think that I know what people in marriages feel like when one of them decide to leave....only mine has left, but I feel like Im the one to say enough already.

I cant keep living in limbo. I have been torturing myself lately with trying to decide what to do. I mean, I am still married to him and he has made no effort or showed any interest in filing for a divorce. So, he goes about his life talking to other women, looking for someone "to spoil" as one of his profiles said on a dating website....(YEAH RIGHT!!!) while he has me sitting here wondering what is going to happen.

He is still married to me!! He could have gotten a divorce 2 months ago! Yet I sit here, still getting texts from the man, wanting to say hello all the time, asking what Im doing...then fussing when I dont talk to him! I have had 2 and a half years of this already! Im so tired. I just wish he would go away some days....yet, it makes me cry when I think about letting go.

Im always asking myself if maybe I just want to "win". Is that it? Could that be why im holding on so long???

I dont know.

Then tonight he goes shopping for the kids and me! We are going off on a vacation this weekend, so he wanted to buy us some things to take with us...he even bought me something. It was totally out of character for him....

anyway...im just soooo ready for my vacation...I need to get away from here and clear my head some.....Im emotionally exhausted lately...and having my kids home from school with me all summer and taking them to work with me is just not working!
Posted By: kikifree Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/18/09 03:30 AM
Quote:
Im always asking myself if maybe I just want to "win". Is that it? Could that be why im holding on so long???


I could tell you , you sound just like me. Any normal person can see something is not right..What he says on his website. It's like they broke into another personality.

You are right for being emotionally exhausted.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/18/09 03:42 AM
Thank you kiki....thank you for making me feel like maybe Im not crazy....lol. Yes, Im emotionally exhausted and whats bad is that my H can tell. He keep asking me why I wont tell him whats wrong....all I can say to him is "do you always tell me?". That shuts him up for a little while.

There is just this little voice I keep hearing in the back of my mind that just keeps saying "be still".
Posted By: sunshinelewis Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/18/09 10:24 AM
Listen to that little voice. smile
Posted By: mdoodles Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/18/09 11:24 AM
oh, we are both in it at this point, to win it...but everyone tells me thats the wrong way to look at things.

i know we cant help it.

i have a question, what if u asked him to come home? when was the last time he was home? and what happened that he left again?

forgive me, i havent read all of your threads...

you and i have been at this the same amount of time, so i know how u feel.

only, mine filed for divorce last year, did nothing, and now i got a letter from the attorney again,,,,all while he is still all over me.

they are weird. its that simple.
Posted By: shewholurks Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/18/09 05:10 PM
If by in it to win it you mean to become the best you can be that is fabulous. If you mean getting your spouse back at any cost you may very well end up with the booby prize. Be ever mindful of your goals.

Kissak - You know he hasn't changed. He is still yanking your chain any way he can. Find a way to keep your head above water and ignore his obvious tactics. He sucks you in, tires of it and then drops you. Lather.Rinse.Repeat. Stop allowing him to engage you. It isn't worth your time.

If he ever gets his collective $hit together and approaches you, you will know without a doubt that he has changed. Until that day continue to control what you can {which is yourself and your actions} Keep moving forward. Keep smiling.

Have a lovely time on your vacay. Relax and rejuvenate your spirit.

Don't forget to breathe.
*hugs*
~ swl
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/18/09 06:04 PM
Yeah.......what she said!!!!
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/18/09 08:33 PM
THANKS! you guys are great.

swl...you are so hard to get up with now a days!!!lol thanks for taking the hint and checking in on me though!

MDoodles...I have asked him to come home before...his answer was "dont you think I would if I could?"

So, I dont ask anymore.

Every time in the past, it was the OW that made him want to leave.

Now, since she has left her H....well, he has stopped talking to me quite as much.

swl...I know he hasnt changed. I think it may still be many years till he may...and he may never. He has major issues and he knows that.


yay...Im so looking forward to getting away this weekend!! Leaving any and all drama behind!!!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/18/09 08:52 PM
does the ow know about u? have u ever spoken to her? i dont mean to ask questions u probably already answered, just curious.

have a great time on vacation, enjoy yourself. i could use a vacation myself.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/19/09 03:23 AM
Originally Posted By: mdoodles
does the ow know about u? have u ever spoken to her? i dont mean to ask questions u probably already answered, just curious.


oh, yes she knows about me. I have had several conversations with her by phone only...and that was only when she found out my H was lying to her...I should have never talked to her...but I was like her...wanting to know what lies he had told me...it was her that told me that my H had cheated on me with a mutual Married friend of ours....even the child she had was in question to whose it was...of course my H denied this all and the OW said he told her he would deny it...but I dont know if she was lying or my H. But I do know for a fact that the OW will NEVER trust my H...but they are Best friends as she tells people. Because they both have issues and can confide in each other. sick
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/22/09 03:46 PM
well, I had a great weekend away with my kids! It was nice to just be away.

My H didnt bother me any. I heard from him only a few times. He just asked if we were having a good time. I know he got drunk on Friday night. I was glad to not have to deal with it.

I think I have him figured out. He is lonely, so he spends all his time texting friends...anyone really that will let him.

I am having a hard time being back. I liked it better when I was away. Away from things that reminded me of him. I wish I could move away. Sometimes anyway.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/22/09 03:53 PM
Hey kissak! I saw the pics from your vaca and it looks like it was a fabulous time!

You say you wish you could move.....why can't you? I know the housing market bites, but is it something you could consider for the future?

In the meantime, changes of scenery are a real plus. They do lift your spirits. The best thing you can do for you and the kids now is to create new memories in your current area. Make new happy memories to overshadow the old 'family' memories.

For instance....something very simple that has helped me a lot....the restaurants we always went to as a family were strictly off limits for a while. We've started going again, when we can work it in the budget that is, but we make sure to order something very different than we used to and I make a point of absorbing the atmosphere of the place instead of associating a specific memory with it. I don't know if that makes any sense because in reading it back it sounds a little hokey to me, but that's the best I can explain it. smile
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/22/09 04:14 PM
Thanks Mishka... we did have alot of fun, and like i said it was nice to get away from H and the memories.

I dont know about moving. My family is here. My business is here too and I absolutely love my neighborhood. But who knows what the future will hold. If my life ever moves forward in a way were Im divorced and get remarried, I may move if its right.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/22/09 04:22 PM
Even just a change of one town could help, but I understand the not moving too far from family. They are your support system and you don't dare leave that!
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/22/09 06:16 PM
You are so right! How are you doing Mishka? I dont get much time to catch up on peoples threads lately.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/22/09 06:43 PM
I'm doing ok thanks. Up and down as usual. Nothing new to report. Ho hum.....
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/22/09 06:56 PM
Hey Mishka...i posted on your thread.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/22/09 08:26 PM
Ha! I have found a way to break my daughters nail biting habit!!! She has alway biten her nails...ever since she had teeth I think! For her bday she wanted her nails done at a salon...well they painted them up real pretty! even did some airbrushing on them! short as they were!! Well after 2 weeks she was surprised to see they had grown! She didnt want to mess up the pretty artwork and has totally stopped biting her nails!!! I told her to keep it up and I would take her again to get them done!!

Now if we can work on the hair problem like that!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/22/09 08:45 PM
YEAH!!! Funny kissak...that's exactly how I broke my own nail biting habit. I bit my nails from the age of 3 until just last year. Funny that I broke that habit right at the time my stress level went through the roof.....weird.

Yep, gotta work on the hair now. I wonder what you could do.........hmmmmmm.......
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/23/09 01:42 AM
If you come up with an idea let me know! I have tried getting her hair extensions in the beginning, but they got pulled out! So...Im trying to get her interested in locks of love....her cousin is doing that...but my daughter then told me that she is the one that needs the hair from them. SO, dont think that will work....but gonna try. I thought if she thought she could help another child by growing her hair to give to them, she wouldnt pull it out.
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/25/09 02:30 PM
Hello everyone...Im having a pretty good morning even though I was running late to work....good thing Im the boss!

The kids ended up staying off last night with my sister...so I had the house to myself!! Use to in the beginning I hated being alone, now I rather enjoy it occasionally!

This weekend the kids will be with their dad and I will be going out with a friend, then meeting a new friend for lunch on Saturday....ok, its a guy i met on an online dating site about 10 months ago! We have become good friends, just have never met. We have both discussed that neither of us are ready to date, for different reasons and he knows all about my sitch. So, we have decided to met for lunch one day.

This guy was divorced about 10 years ago...he said he regrets it because he filed out of anger. Now he sees that if he had waited, they probably could have worked on things. I feel sad for him and wonder if that will be what its like for my H one day if he never comes back home.

Im just feeling so blessed today! I wish I could spread my blessings around to everyone on here. The day is what you make of it!!
Posted By: shewholurks Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/25/09 04:32 PM
Kissak,

What you don't see is that you did spread blessings just by posting. You sound so upbeat, so refreshed. Your vacay must have done the trick. Reading your post brought a smile to my face because I can feel your joy through your words.

Have a lovely day today and a great time @ lunch this weekend.

Keep smiling. It is most definitely contagious.
*hugs*
~ swl
Posted By: kissak Re: Wondering how to handle things - 06/25/09 05:48 PM
Thank you swl...always good to hear from you!!

I think partly i am feeling good because lately i see on peoples threads where I use to be and where I am now is 2 completely different stages of what has happened to me. I remember needing to come here every day just to get help through the day! I felt lost and hopeless. Now, all I can say is that it DOES get easier with TIME! No matter what you are going through. I think I can speak from experience since my H has come back sooooo many times and left me again.

It does get easier. The pain does get easier to deal with and after awhile, you realize that only you can live your life and make it either miserable or great!

I have been focusing more on my health lately. I have lost about 13 pounds over the past 2 months! Im feeling good and yes I did enjoy my vaca....matter of fact, Im going back without the kids next month!! Im really excited about that!!!!

I still have my down times when I really miss my H...but, i know thats just normal. Ill be fine.
Posted By: kissak feeling so manipulated! - 06/27/09 10:37 PM
ok...so today didnt start out the best it could have.

Let me back up to last night! I went out with a girl friend of mine. All we did was go shopping and out to eat. My H picked up the kids and didnt ask anything about what I was doing.

Last night he texted me a few times commenting that I must be busy or something and that he would stop bothering me...he didnt though.

Well, a few days ago I told him that I had plans for today...didnt tell him what plans, other than I was going to the next town, about an hour away. I told him that I could watch the kids for him to work, but would need him to be back by 11 or 12 to get them. But that I would rather he ask his parents to watch them. Because I didnt want to be too late leaving. (It is his weekend btw with the kids). He said ok.

Well, this morning, he texts me his usual "goodmorning". I texted back. He asked what I was doing and if i was up yet. Then went on to say "i guess you are getting a late start leaving anyway". I replyed yes that I wasnt trying to rush and that I was only leaving about 30 min late. Waiting on clothes to dry.

THEN all heck breaks loose.

This is how it goes....he texted me "thank you"

I said "for what"

He said "dont worry about it"

Basically I asked him what was wrong, if he was having a bad day or something and he said "nope"

Ok, so I know he is pissed or something at me now.

BUT all he kept saying was "dont worry about it"

I preceed to tell him that he is acting very immature and just trying to ruin my day...

He replyed that he was not trying to ruin my day and that he was not acting immature. AND That I made such a big deal on leaving by a certain time this morning and that he had to ask his parents to watch the kids, if I didnt wanna watch them i should have just said so and that the topic was over!!!

OH, I did something I shouldnt have done, but I called him.

I was furious! I asked what his problem was. Basically he said that I made a big production out of leaving early today....which I DID NOT!!

I told him that I Always watch the kids for him when needed....he agreed....I said that his parents NEVER watch our kids....he agreed.

SO, I asked what on earth was the big deal!!!

OH....maybe I just overreacted he said. Then he tells me he is sorry. DONT WORRY ABOUT IT! AND for me to have a good time today and drive safe.

confused

ok....was he ticked that I didnt wanna watch the kids?(not true).

Was he mad because he had to ask his parents to watch them? NO cuz if that was the case, he would have acted mad last night.

Was he angry that I just wouldnt watch them? WHICH I told him i would.

OR do you just think he was angry that he didnt have any control over me and decided to use his best weapon at me for the day....guilt?

Well, it worked.

Basically I told him to tell the kids I love them and good bye.

I havent heard from him alllll day after that!

Which was good cuz I was having lunch with a guy that i met online!!!! grin

Anybody got any insight on his reaction???? DO you think he is scared he is losing control of me? Really I dont see the problem. I mean, his parents were watching the kids...there was no problem here.
Posted By: shewholurks Re: feeling so manipulated! - 06/27/09 11:03 PM
Kissak,

Does it really matter? You know full well he likes to do whatever he can to get to you. He obviously accomplished that this morning, didn't he? Once he said *don't worry about it* you should have just let it go. You don't owe him anything, girl. The sooner you accept that as your truth the better off you will be.

Now on to more important things. How was lunch?

*hugs*
~ swl
Posted By: kissak Re: feeling so manipulated! - 06/27/09 11:15 PM
ugh! Thanks swl...he does get to me. I dont like for anyone to be upset or anything with me...especially when I didnt do a durn thing!!!!

I think he knows thats the button to push with me. "dont worry about it"

Ok..so anyway, Lunch was good! Things went well. I like this guy because he leads the conversation, there was never any silent moments! Werent really going for a romantic meet and great kinda thing! lol, just as friends of course. But he was nice. and most importantly....he acted like a mature grown up! SOmeone i could have a real conversation with.

Dont know if it will ever be anything more than friends, but who knows? It was nice and I would do it again.
Posted By: shewholurks Re: feeling so manipulated! - 06/27/09 11:26 PM
Quote:
Don't know if it will ever be anything more than friends, but who knows? It was nice and I would do it again.
One can never have too many friends. There is no rush to make it anything more than friends. Just enjoy the time you spend together. Having lunch with a grown-up is fun, isn't it?

You know your H will bug you until you cave. You have to be the one break that routine. You have to make yourself aware of his manipulative lines and just don't respond to them any further. How he feels is his to own, not yours. You can do this. You have grown so much in the past year it is just wonderful.

~ swl
Posted By: kissak Re: feeling so manipulated! - 06/27/09 11:38 PM
Thanks swl....it is fun having lunch with a grown up!

Please pray for a friend of my H's though...she lost her 3 month old baby to SiDs last night. It's so sad.
Posted By: Andabelle Re: feeling so manipulated! - 06/28/09 01:18 AM
How awful. I will remember her in my prayers tonight.
Posted By: kissak Re: feeling so manipulated! - 06/28/09 02:01 AM
Thank you Andabelle.
Posted By: kissak Re: feeling so manipulated! - 06/28/09 02:04 AM
ok...i texted my H to ask if the kids were close by (i wanted to call them) he tried to be smart and said that he left them somewhere else. I didnt take the bait though....i just waited and then said that I wanted to talk to them....so he replyed "well call them".

Jerk

so I called his phone from my cell phone....first thing out of his mouth????? was why you calling from your cell phone?

what did I say? cuz it was in my hand.

Ugh! DOes it really matter why? No, he was being nosy. I couldnt get off of the phone fast enough with him! I dont even wanna talk to him.

Posted By: kissak Re: feeling so manipulated! - 07/02/09 05:19 PM
Will someone please help me snap out of this mood I am in lately???

I just feel so down. I feel like things are never gonna change. TOnight is my son's tkd....I use to enjoy going, now I dont because My H will be there. He doesnt act the way he use too. Most of the time there he would sit and chat with me like we were friends......now, he would rather go flirt with one of the Other ladies....It just ticks me off that he would do it there in front of me! I kinda lost it with him the other night when we went...I get so jealous that I dont know what to do. Im ok as long as I dont see it, you know?

So, tonight I have to go. I know instead of him being outside waiting for me like he has the past 2 years, he will be inside talking to that woman!! UGH! I dont even wanna go because I know it will tick me off!! It has bothered me all week!

How on earth am I ever gonna get over this stupid man????? SOmebody please tell me!

I wanna move on with my life or move forward, whatever, but Ive just about had enough! I want him to make a move on the divorce or somthing, but sorry...I cant bring myself to be the one to do it!!

SOrry, Im just having one of those days you guys...I would rather just tell him a fib and not even go out there tonight....my son dont wanna go anyway!

crazy Im going crazy.

I just dont know how to get over my H being with someone else.

Basically thats it.
Posted By: kissak Re: feeling so manipulated! - 07/02/09 09:44 PM
ok...Im really just not feeling all that good tonight. I decided to text my H that I couldnt take my son to class tonight. That we were gonna skip it and clean house. He didnt think that was a good excuse, so I just told him that sometimes I just dont feel like going. Guess he thought that was a better excuse. It was hard to bite my tongue and tell him that he could go if he wanted to and flirt with that other woman! But I didnt.

Im just in a mood tonight. Hating the way things are. Hating that nothing has changed.
Posted By: WCW Re: feeling so manipulated! - 07/02/09 10:26 PM
kissak, what do YOU do when you take your son to tkd? do you sit and watch like a bump on a pickle or do you interact with the other parents there?
My H is a social butterfly. I can't expect him to want to sit in the corner with me in a room full of people.

One of my favorite things to do when (x?)ow is around is be radiant and interact with everyone. That's not my normal personality but damm if I'll let her know! lol

Pick yourself up. Have a little chocolate to satisfy the urge, and get back to being the strong and great person you are!
Posted By: mdoodles Re: feeling so manipulated! - 07/02/09 10:57 PM
i know how u feel. it is so hard knowing u want to let go but just cant, cant move foward with the divorce, cant bear that there is another woman, cant let her "win".

i know.

i dont blame u for being uncomfortable and angry when he acts that way at tkd.

next week try what wcw said, be upbeat and interactive.

try something new. do a 180. whatever u were doing, do something else.

if anything, u will feel better about yourself.
Posted By: TRUSTING Re: feeling so manipulated! - 07/03/09 01:47 AM
He knows this bothers you, that is why he does it.

Show him it does not effect you.

It is a way for them to feel in control.

My ex brought the OW to my house one day to pick the kids up. I smiled and acted like everything was fine. You should of seen my ex's reaction. It was priceless. He was so pissed that I did not get angry.

They are idiots.
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