Ok so h comes over on Sunday. He was so sick. Asked me to run out and get him some over the counter cough, cold and flu. I picked up some things and then out to the blue says Glam lets test out our bed.
Oh my gosh, I was so shocked. He was sick, but still wanted to have some sex. When he came over he gave me lots of hugs and kisses, touching me all over telling me how much he missed and loved me. Wow! What a day! H go on a trip more often.
H came over on Monday to help with the kids and he spent most of the day on the couch. He is running a fever and still very sick. He apologized a ton for being sick. I said h don't worry about it you are sick. He just said sorry I can't help more. He usually likes to help with laundry, dishes, helping with some cleaning.
He said he was going to call in sick on Tuesday, since he is not getting better. He also said he couldn't help witht he kids on Wed or Thur since he has day trips out of the area. I just said h I will get someone to help, that means me, s20 and possibly the neighbor girl.
When he left last night I said h when will we see you again. He said I don't know maybe Saturday. Now Saturday is V-day and our D4's birthday, so hopefully he will show then.
Oh well not going to stress. We are going out for dinner next week for V-day. We have never been much for celebrating it on the day. The restuarants all seem so crowded. We were going to go out this week for dinner, but now h is out of town.
We have MC this Thur, but now that will need to be cancelled. Don't know what this week will bring.
Glam, Awesome about your latest interactions! His being sick gives you a chance to show him your love. You're doing the right things by him. Happy V-Day!
Hi glam-
It is so wonderful that your H tells you he loves you. He does seem so committed to you and the kids but for whatever reason isn't ready to move home...but hopefully that will change sometimes soon. My H will only say he loves me if he is asked by me or our C.
Wow...even when your H is sick, he still wants to break that mattress in. Lucky you but I hope you don't come down with your H's cold.
Stay positive and keep enjoying the connections your H making with you and your kids even things aren't exactly the way you want them to be.
(((HUGS)))
Hi glamgirl,
That sounds very promising!! - Your H seems to have made a lot of progress lately. He also helps you such a lot. Not many men do that.
Take it slowly, and hopefully, your H will end up home for good soon. (((HUGS)))
Thanks all for the encouragment. It really helps me to keep going. My h very rarely says he loves me unless I say it first, but since he was gone on his business trip he must of really been missing me and the kids.
He even said how much he missed me. Yes Upside it seems things are going well, but then no move home nor will he ever spend the night. It's as if I have the plague when it comes to that. I was hoping he would spend the night and then that would encourage him to move home, but ain't going to happen.
Thanks TL. My h has always been one to help around the house even before all this happened. I should consider myself lucky, but then h is like that from a fault and can come across as if I can't do anything right.
For example, he says Glam you need to clean as you go like in the cartoon movie Ratatouli. Well I am not some cartoon character. He also says things like Glam you need to be running the washer in parallel when you are cooking dinner, cleaning etc. See where I am going with this. It's nice, but he also makes me feel inadequate.
He tries to put his skills and expectations onto me, which is not fair. I DO NOT by any means lack the skill. I run a very organized and clean house for the most part, it's just that h doesn't seem to be happy with the way I clean or something. I often feel I don't live up to his standards or that I am not good enough in that dept. He is a perfectionist!
Oh well, I am NOT by any means perfect nor is he!
We could both use some work in this area! Haven't heard from h today. We will see what the rest of the week brings.
Ok so it was around 5:30pm and h calls and says Glam I am on my way to the house.
He says can s20 watch the kids so we can eat dinner out for Vday. S20 watched the kids and h and I had a nice romeantic dinner.
Ok so I got a litte bold. H was saying things like Glam I know it's not easy, meaning caring for the kids like I am on my own when h is not there.
I said something like, h you will be home soon. I think he said something like I know, that is what I am trying to do. I then said h what keeps you away. He didn't respond.
I said it's ok h if you decide you don't want to return. If you don't think I am worth it, then he says Glam there you go putting words in my mouth. He said I am trying to figure it out.
I know that this requires patience, but boy that tank is drying up. I also mentioned something about the kids needing there father at home. He said regardless of what happens, I will always be there father.
That statement really concerned me. Does he really think he might not ever return? Oh I don't know if I am wasting my time here.
We did have a very nice dinner. Then on our way to pick up the kids at s20's new place, he said something like it's funny that s20 is turning out just like me and doing the things that I have been running away from. Not sure what he meant by that, other than maybe caretaking.
My h has always had a passion for helping those in need. Good quality to have, but you have to know when to stop and when enough is enough.
Oh well not sure where to go or do now!
Glam, I really envy you!!!!
And not just because you get romantic dinners with your H (although I do very much wish that for myself).
What I really envy is your grace and patience!!!!
Thank you for being one of my examples to following through this whole mess!!
((((hugs))))
Thank you SC. It has taken me a long time to get here. What I do have is hope now, that h is making progress towards home. He seems to want to be with me and the kids, not sure what stops him from making that step home all the way.
In the beginning, I didn't have much hope for my m. It felt like h was gone forever, so I do know those feelings of despair.
Overtime, he has been drawn home, but that didn't just happen by chance. I had to work at it. Everyday I had to choose to love my h unconditionally and love him from a distance.
Eventually he was drawn to me, but that didn't happen overnight. The loving unconditionally wasn't for my h, it was for me. For me to let go of the anger, resentment, disappointment. It was a way for me to let go and be me. Well, by doing that I got an added bonus, h was drawn to me.
EDITED - ADVERTISING is NOT ALLOWED. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.I am sorry you are having to go through this. I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone, but I do feel I am that much closer to God through all of this and am learning when to keep quiet with my h and how better to relate to him.
Hugs SC and thanks for the kind words. They mean so much to me. You would have been dissappointed with me from how I was acting in the early days of this journey.
wonderful website Glam....it gives me hope to become good parents together and maybe go through life, having forgiven H and myself. How important it is to let go and forgive !
I am so in awe of how far you have come !! xx
Hey, [[[[[Glam]]]]].
I will definitely check out that website!
Hi GG
Sounds like overall, you are both making an attempt at putting your marriage back together. When the timing is right, he will be back home.
Thanks Cinders, SC and MWG. That website helped me tremendously. Not for the D part but just understanding how to communicate and for the forgiveness and having the right attitude.
H called today and said I am on my way to the house. I made dinner for us and the kids.
H helped the kids with their Vday cards. It looked as if h was enjoying himself. He said he didn't remember doing Vday cards as a kid, but liked receiving them.
Now h early in the week said he wouldn't be by all week, but has actually made it over 3 nights this week. He has been very attentive and gave me lots of hugs and attention.
He was so helpful with the kids too. I really appreciate that.
When he left he said Glam see you Sat for D4's 5th birthday. She is a Vday birthday.
We are going bowling on Sat and on Sun maybe a movie. I am off this Sun.
Thanks MWG for the reminder when the timing is right. That is exactly it.
Today I am not feeling the greatest. I got s7 off to school with his valentines.
I don't normally send s4 to daycare since I am off on Fridays, but I just need to some time to rest and be by myself, so as soon as she is up I am going to send her too with her valentines.
It was funny yesterday. I had been running around for almost 3 hours after work. Picked up s20 and took him to work since he helped afterschool, then picked up d4, then to 2 stores to get all the valentines, then dropped the kids at the house, then grabbed dinner, back to the house, and then picked up s20 from work, then took him home, you see all this running around.
I was finally driving home and h called, he was at the house with the kids and said Glam where are you. He always ask this. I looked up and there was a hotel sign in front of me. I said h pulling into the comfort suites. He said are you staying there with me or somebody else. We both burst out laughing.
The whole point of the hotel, was that sometimes I just feel like running away too. Sometimes there is so much on my plate that I feel like bursting, that is why I am taking d4 to daycare today.
I just need some me time. Hope everyone has a wonderful Valentines Day no matter how it is shared.
You definitely need some R&R!!
Take care of yourself.
Thanks MWG. The kids are both at school and it's just me all by my lonesome. Feels good though.
I am going to do some laundry and watch a few movies. I ordered d4's birthday cake. We are going bowling tomorrow afternoon to celebrate.
As I was driving today, I was thinking what keeps my h from coming home? He seems to enjoy me and the kids, but don't know what has a grasp on him so hard that he can't let it go!
Oh well, maybe this isn't for me to try to figure out!
I think they are very stubborn and it is hard to let go of whatever holds them hostage.
I was finally driving home and h called, he was at the house with the kids and said Glam where are you. He always ask this. I looked up and there was a hotel sign in front of me. I said h pulling into the comfort suites. He said are you staying there with me or somebody else. We both burst out laughing.
Glam, That was very funny! Good for you! I think you both are doing well. One baby step at a time. It's awesome that he's been over so much this week!!! Happy V-Day.
PH it is nice that he has been coming over a lot this week, since last Sunday he said see you on Saturday, so I wasn't really expecting much contact from him.
He called today and asked how I was doing. He told me a few things about his day and then said he would call later when he is enroute back. I just said talk to you later h.
He mentioned we would celebrate d4's birthday tomorrow and then in the evening watch a movie together. H asked for me to buy some chocolates. I bought this cute chocolate pack with a set of cards, some kind of love game. I just thought it would be fun for us and maybe the kids too. I also picked up some chocolate truffles.
Then he said on Sunday we would prepare the kids rooms. Now that s20 has moved out we need to move s7 into his room and then d4 will have her own room. I am excited for tomorrow.
Happy Valentines Day!
Hi glamgirl,
Thanks for your post on my thread.
You sound really good. I am happy for you that your H seems to come round more and more.
I hope you feel better and can relax and have your "me" time. You seem to be so very busy at times.
Have a lovely Valentine's Day and week-end.
Thanks for stopping by TL. Today is going to be a busy day for us.
It's D4's birthday today and we are taking her bowling. She is now 5 years old. Wow, 5 years ago she was born. It was also on a Saturday.
H should be here around noon. I am serving pizza for lunch and then I have to pick up the cake and balloons to take to the bowling place.
In the evening h said he would watch 2 movies with me. Not sure if we can get both of them in but hey he said it so we will see how that goes.
Then he will be here on Sunday to fix the kid's rooms. Setting up their beds, shelving etc. I have cleaned through most of their clothes.
I do appreciate all that h does in this dept since I couldn't put a bunk bed together for the life of me. I am not a handy tool girl. I know h has asked for a specific tool and I have to say and that would look like...... I know that may sound bad, but sorry I am not the handy type and not going to learn now.
My h likes it when he can helps. He feels wanted then and all I have to do is throw out the compliments and appreciation. Works like a charm.
Hi glamgirl,
Thanks for posting on my thread. I hope you are having a wonderful Valentine's Day.
Well we had a nice V-day. H was here on time. I was not showered yet and was about to go up and shower and h said can I watch. I said sure do you want to join me. He said later.
Before we left for bowling he opened the V-day gift with the cards and chocolate. It was a cute compatability card game. We each had to answer questions. Now my h is not one for sillyness but he was a good sport today.
Well I got ready and then we were off to pick up the cake and go bowling. I don't know what it is, but my h looks so sexy bowling. He has this walk and stance that just kills me.
Of course he was top bowler. Strike or spare! That is my h though when it comes to sports, he has always been pretty good. He wasn't a bowler that I ever knew of.
We had fun. When we returned we watched a movie together. He then left and said he wanted to finish some work this evening. I said see you tomorrow. He said he would be over in the morning.
Don't know where all this is leading. Maybe I am NOT suppose to know. I wish he would sit down and talk about what is on his mind and his plans for our future. Is that too much to ask?
Hi glam-
I am glad that your D had a nice birthday and you had and nice Valentine's day with your H.
I know what you mean about not knowing where all of this is leading. I keep asking myself how long can this go on? We need to keep reminding ourselves that life is a journey (not a destination) and that there is happiness to be found all along the path we are on...we just need to acknowledge and appreciate our blessings. Life may not be perfect or anywhere close to how we planned it but there are still wonderful things all around us that can fulfill us. If we can focus on those things, maybe it won't matter so much if our H's are home or not. Afterall, if or when our H's do come home, life will still not be perfect and we will still need to look for and appreciate the positives.
(((HUGS)))
Thanks so much for that different perspective Upside. I know that you and I are in a similar situation. Gosh I just get so down sometimes thinking about living alone here with the kids and what really am I suppose to be doing with my life.
I am appreciative of h's company, but this can't go on forever. You are right though even when/if they come home there will be a whole different set of problems.
Thanks Upside I needed that post right this moment.
Hi glam-
I understand about getting down. I seem to quickly swing from being very hopeful and almost content to extremely frustrated and on the verge of being done. Somedays I just keep telling myself I don't want to do this anymore...then I get some sign of movement from my H and it keeps me going a little longer. This weekend I felt like my H was so full of crap telling me that he wants to move forward in the M and then he makes very little effort to spend time with me...when he senses my frustration, he makes a little effort and the cycle starts again. It makes me want to scream. Your H is much more consistant than mine.
My post to you yesterday was as much for myself as it was for you. I need to remind myself that life is way too short to live it waiting on someone else to make make me complete. I need to be happy with me...most of the time I am successful but then periodically ideality creeps into my mind and sends me into a downward spiral. I need to figure out how to pull myself out of that downward spiral by remembering that I do have some much in my life for which to be grateful...however we all know that is sometimes easier said than done.
(((HUGS)))
Yes Upside I do understand the roller coaster that we are on. For me it is not so much looking to my h for happiness, but looking for him to complete the family.
It's like I want more for our lives and the kids than someone who comes over frequently, but doesn't make a committment to bring us to the next level.
I feel like I am dating a guy that just doesn't want to get M. If that makes sense. It's as if he is afraid to make that committment, but yet gave that committment when we wed.
At some point, dating isn't going to be good enough and I don't want to be too old to meet someone either. Don't get me wrong I want to work things out with my h, but come on now we need to move things along here.
Today, though I will also reflect on what I have to be grateful for. I know many would like to walk in our shoes, but these shoes aren't easy by any means either.
Hey, Glam (& Upside):
As you know, I am one of those who would like to "walk in your shoes", but as I read your posts, I am reminded that everything is relative. Life is a complex journey and every experience, good and bad, is meaningful. It's all in how we look at it.
Each and every day we make a choice on how we are going to live that day. We may yearn for the security of knowing there something we can "count on" so that we feel like we have some "control" over our destiny, but the reality is that life is not that way. Of course there is "God" as S/He is defined by each of us, but that also requires belief as opposed to "tangible reality".
But then, if we are the one's who make the choices each day, are we not the one's who are really in charge of our lives? Isn't that the very "control" we say we want but don't feel like we have?
Hmmmm......that's something to think about, isn't it.....??
Oh, well, enough "waxing philosophical"!!
Hang in there, my wonderful friend!!! You are truly an amazing woman, and I believe that life holds for you happiness such as you can't even conceive of right now, because you deserve it!!!
[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]
Hi glamgirl,
I am glad you had a lovely V-day with your H and your D a nice birthday.
I admire your patience, and patience is what you will need. Hang in there.
Have a lovely week. (((HUGS)))
Thanks SC and TL. So today I took d5 to the dr to update her shots or they kick her out of daycare. Well after the shots she wasn't feeling well and could hardly walk, so I ended up staying home with her today.
S7 is off from school today too. I called h and let him know, so not sure if he is coming over today or not. He usually is here to meet s7 after school, but wasn't needed today, so I am sure he will bow out today.
It's ok, nothing going on today anyway.
Patience, patience and more patience. Is that a song or a dance these days. Looks like I need to reach a little deeper now.
Hi, Glam,
I just wore out my fingers typing a long update on my thread, but wanted to just pop in here and say hello, and tell you I'm not posting as much as I used to, but I do get on and catch up with everyone periodically. Glad you had a nice V-Day!
Peace,
Dawn
Thanks Dawn for stopping by.
I was angry today. Yesterday I spoke to h around 10am and then that was it the rest of the day. Now he normally comes on Monday, but since d5 was sick I stayed home with her.
I would have thought h would call and say hey Glam since you have it covered I won't be over or I have a ton of work to do, but nothing. I was thinking are we back to him NOT communicating again.
Well I woke up angry. I was thinking what am I wasting my time with. Is it too much to ask to just communicate. I would give h the same consideration. Anyway was having doubts today.
I did call h today with something that I needed to go over with him. I left him a nice message. He did not answer.
Well, later in the morning he sent me a text saying Glam I am so sorry about yesterday. He said I will drop by this evening and bring you some money. I was really suprised that he sent me a message. I thought his behavior was going to go by without being addressed. I was very appreciative that he sent that text.
I just responded and said thanks H, what happened. He didn't respond. Well we will see what he has to say later.
Hey G, I do admire your patience so much. I think you have to go back to zero expectations or you are going to continue to be disappointed and get angry.
Your h is not all the way through the journey. You have to decide if you can continue to move forward and not expect too much from your h or not.
I think you shouldnt call him or text him unless absolutley necessary.
It seems he is still not ready to make a real committment.
BM you are so right. I didn't want to call him today, but I needed his help. I also try to think and respond not by how he is acting, but what I would do.
Meaning if he doesn't call then I don't want to behave the same way. I know h will see my consistency and respectfulness.
It's hard to know what they are going through. We don't see life through their eyes or heart.
Yeah real committment. You got that right. Just trying to get through each day too.
Hey, GG!
It must be really hard the little steps back after thinking you're beyond that.......I know if I ever make it to the point you are at now, I will likely be bald because I will have pulled all my hair out!! And I really wouldn't make a pretty bald woman either. I'm not like Sinead O'Connor or Annie Lennox who have that perfect shaped head and beautiful face so they can carry it off. No, I'd look more like.......well, maybe Walter Cronkite (I'm dating myself here)......it's just not a pretty picture to contemplate........
But, I digress........
Hang in there, sweetie!!!! [[[[[[hugs]]]]]]
Glam-
I think there always seems to be some sort parallels in our situations...
Other than Friday night this last weekend, as far as I knew, my H had no plans. I thought he would make at least some kind of attempt to spend time with me. He did come over for a few hours on Saturday but only after I had let him know that since it was Valentine's Day, I would appreciate his company. Sunday I heard nothing from him. I was kind of irritated but then we had a C appointment on Monday. My H's explaination helped me understand a little...he told me that he was in a funk and just wanted to be left alone....that it had nothing to do with me and that he wants to work toward having a personal life (w/me) again. He plans on doing that by taking a position where he used to work and giving up his private practice. He even told the C if he doesn't end up making the career change, he will have to spend many hours with him individually so he can figure out how to cope with everything so he can have a life again. I seem to forget that no matter how normal my H acts, his thinking is still not clear.
I sometimes wonder if it is all excuses but at least at the moment, I don't really think so. What I see is that our H's are the one's going down the virtually cheeseless, dead-end tunnels. They keep traveling down different tunnels but each one so far has lead them down another path where they may find a crumb or two to sustain them but ultimately they still need to find a way out of the maze altogether.
I know my H sees his future with me just as I believe your H does with you. Hold on for as long as you can. Appreciate your H's efforts and remember that his inappropriate actions are not because of you or your M...it is about him. He is trying to figure out it...unfortunately it just takes time...lots and lots of time.
I hope I make sense!!!
(((HUGS)))
Oh my gosh so H just left after an hour of talking or should I say voice raising on h's part. I don't even think he realizes that he is raising his voice when he is talking.
I am not even sure how the convo got started, but the next thing I know h is reliving 3 years ago again and again and again.
He started saying how I back stabbed him, went to his family, didn't stand by him the very person he loved and m threw him out on the street and talked bad of him. Oh my gosh it was just a mess.
I was very calm through this whole thing. Trying to talk to my h like h you need to do something to get the anger out. What are your plans. He said he doesn't know what to do. Doesn't want me to bring up his family, doesn't want to make amends with them, wants me to stay out of it. Not that I have been doing anything other than wishing them happy holidays as each holiday rolls around.
He said he doesn't feel comfortable in the house because I took charge, was head of the household made decisions about buying a car, a refrigerator etc and he just can't see himself living with me.
He said I didn't stand by him with his business. I called him on it and said h you were making unethical business decsions, did you expect me to stand by you. He said yes, you should have stood by me regardless.
He mentioned how unhappy he was in the m and failed at trying to make everyone happy. He said he is trying to find his happiness. He said if you don't like it file the D papers and he would sign them.
I just hope the kids didn't hear h. He was not yelling or shouting, but he was saying things with all this anger in his voice as if it happened yesterday.
He went back to on his timing, he doesn't know what the future looks like, he is trying to be the best parent and husband to me that he knows how.
Then I said something about this couldn't last forever and that I wanted a m, and I wanted a man in my life. Ok those were not good choice words and h jumped up off the couch and said you want a man in your life then go find one.
I said h that is not what I meant, I meant that I wanted a m and my husband living here in the house and he said well that is not what you said. Then he said I am leaving. See you tomorrow.
He also said I talked with you and now I don't feel any better. You want me to communicate, but then it doesn't make us feel better.
Ok so this convo came out of left field. It wasn't like I said h we need to talk. He just started spilling this all out.
I didn't walk him to the door. Just said goodnight h see you tomorrow. I will let him stew overnight and see what the am brings.
Yikes! Is this what reconciliation is all about? I am so proud of myself. I was calm the whole time. The old me would have gotten angry and raised my voice too.
I am doing good, but when h left I just sat and cried. It seems like we are so far away. My guess, he isn't coming home any time soon. He mentioned that if he came home he would be angry all the time and that is not what he wants for himself.
Wow!
Hi glamgirl,
Sorry your H has gone back two steps again. Mine also started to complain about the past and what I did or didn't do at least twice during the last year.
I guess this is piecing and I know how frustrating it can get. You seem to do well by not blowing up. I used to be like you and also blew up, but I also tried very hard to change that habit.
Good luck with your patience. (((HUGS)))
Hey GG, you did great! Listen and validate, thats the mantra, right? I think this is all part of coming out of the tunnel. He has to relive it all and work it out.
I would pull back and not say anything as he is trying to figure things out.
This is a long journey for them and they have to go through all the steps in order to come out whole again.
Patience, patience and more patience. Nothing wrong with you punching a pillow or throwing something when you are alone though.
Glam,
I'm sorry he's revisiting the past once again. This happens when they are very close to end of their crisis. They go back and revisit each and every issue and once this happens and they settle down again, he'll be back and acting like the person you've been around lately.
I wouldn't call or tm him for a while. He's got a lot to think about, so let him stew in his own place. Glam, keep your expectations at zero. He's moving along nicely, but I think he started out moving too quickly and now he's realized that he's got some things that need to be resolved within himself. It's not you and yes, they do come from out of left field sometimes w/this pent up anger, etc. Just step aside and allow him to vent and then let it go.
He's growing up, Glam.
Thanks for all the support. I do not plan on contacting him. He is again out of the area during the day, so will not be available to help afterschool with s7. Probably for the best.
He said he would stop by this evening. I am just going to be nice and not mention a thing.
It was weird, he was saying I was a hypocrit and judging him, he said that I was living in the past and bringing things up that made him relive the past. He said how could I get close to you Glam.
He said he was not interested in going to church or God, since I took my own path on that years ago. This was 7 years ago that I started to go to church by myself since h didnt want to go to church, so I picked one by myself. He again threw this in my face. I said h if you want to go to church we can do that. He said no it's too late you already made choices for yourself.
Oh my gosh, it was like are you really serious here. I said h it seems as if nothing I do makes you happy. He said that is how I feel. He said nobody ever apologized to him. I said h I did apologize and I did forgive you. He said you haven't forgiven me. I also said you owe some apologies yourself. He said I am not ready.
He talked about becoming whole again and how he is not whole. He said he can't help me until he feels whole again. He said something about how he is speaking to me and not to his family and that they are blood.
Then he said something about does the past matter. We have some unfinished business, which I can move on from, but the past 3 years he has been saying he will discuss with me when he is ready. He now says he isn't sure he will ever discuss with me.
Well if the past doesn't matter, then why is he spending some much time and space entertaining it. He said that he has spent months, hours days going over the scenario in his mind of what happened and why and all he can conclude is that his family and I stabbed him in the back.
Obviously I can't help my h right now. He will need to see that things were said under stress, high emotions and that just because things were said and done that were NOT loving at the moment, doesn't mean that I don't love him.
Lot's to sort through. I try to sort out what he is saying, but maybe I should't even try at this point. It's his perspective not mine.
I guess I will just continue to be kind and love unconditionally. What else can I do?
Hey Glamgirl....I think all you can really do is continue to be patient.
I guess I will just continue to be kind and love unconditionally. What else can I do?
Glam, This is all you can do, and yet this is very powerful. More powerful than you think. Consistency is key, and is what I am learning. Snodderly is right about him needing to revisit the past and close the doors one at a time. This is the Acceptance stage in MLC - which is the last stage. There is hope. Keep being the wondeful loving wife you are. He needs to see that you are for real - in being loving. And he even implied that he needed you to want him, not just "a man" in your life. Hugs to you.
Thank Kissak and PH.
Well well well. H called on my way to work ealier today. He said Glam I am very sorry for my nasty behavior last night. He thanked me for listening. Said he realizes he has issues to work out.
He said he was off kilter, hadn't taken his meds for 3 days. Oh my gosh, you think.
We talked for awhile and asked what I was making for dinner this evening. He said he would be here around 7pm.
Ok I will take it. He is genuinely apologetic.
Well G, good for him for apologizing. He really is trying to sort things out, I think.
Keep being patient and kind. I think he is turning a corner. At least I hope so.
You are doing great!
Well G, good for him for apologizing. He really is trying to sort things out, I think.
Keep being patient and kind. I think he is turning a corner. At least I hope so.
You are doing great!
Hey, Glam!!!
Geez, talk about a tempest in a teapot!
But, I think you did great! And my gut told me immediately that this was the death throes of the alien that has inhabited his body for the last several years!
Hang in there, and just keep being you!!
[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]
Hi, Glam,
I am sorry to hear that he was in alien mode again. Sounds like you handled it just beautifully, though, even if it was hard to resist the urge to defend yourself or counterattack. Hopefully the group wisdom here is correct and this is just the death throes of his MLC and he is close to becoming a person who can think clearly again.
I am so tired that I am not even going to post an overdue update on my own thread before I toddle off to bed, but I just wanted to quickly comment on this:
He said he was off kilter, hadn't taken his meds for 3 days. Oh my gosh, you think.
There is NO DOUBT that in 3 days off of AD's, other people (if not the patient) will notice a worsening of depression symptoms. Six weeks or so to build the blood levels up...three days to drop them precipitately. It's nuts, but they haven't come up with a perfect AD yet.
Will catch up with you tomorrow.
Peace,
Dawn
Peace,
Dawn
Glam, It's awesome that he apologized! That is huge. Not easy for him especially since he wants to be right. Hang in there, girl.
Thanks everyone. H asked me to pick up more meds for him, I didn't realize that he was out and then when he told me he hadn't taken them for 3 days, then his so called alien attack made sense to me.
I am sure it all came back to him in some sort of depressed way. SC I love the alien analogy. That was exactly how it felt. Thinking back at times he even seemed comical, like h are you serious.
Next time, if there is a next, what makes me think there won't be, I am just going to smile and nod. Not even get into anything, now that would be a 180 for me. Even though I think I handled myself well, when he is like that I think I should have just listened offered no comments and said see you tomorrow h.
It's so hard though when you see the perspective off base or that you have worked so hard to repair the past damage and then what we are at square 1 again.
My s7 said this evening why doesn't dad sleep here mom? I want him to sleep here! I feel bad for my kids, they see this and it breaks my heart. I hope they feel it's nothing they have done. When the kids ask my h, he doesn't really give them an answer.
I talked to h early in the morning. He called to say goodmorning. He said he wasn't feeling well, not sure what that meant. He also said he wasn't sure how much time he could spend with us this weekend. I suggested he work on friday evening and the come over afternoon on Saturday. H was hesitant and said he might need to work all day on Saturday. I just said h you decide. He said he would come over on Friday evening.
I called him Thur evening to update him on something and no answer, nor did he call back. I just want this all to end. I don't like living alone, now that s20 has moved out.
The hard part for me is if h has so much pent up anger towards me, how can he find his way back home? What is going to make a difference?
Hi glamgirl,
Thanks for your post on my thread. I wish you a nice week-end. (((HUGS)))
Thanks TL.
Well it's Friday night and I am feeling down. Some old music that h and I used to listen too, triggered a crying attack. Making me think, how did my life go so wrong and wondering where is my future.
H came over for a few hours. He put a toy kitchen together for d5 that she got for her birthday, while I ran some errands. It felt good to just be away by myself for a few hours.
I feel so lonely in the house. I had a dream last night or should I say nightmare that some guy I had a glass of wine with had a key to our home and I found him sleeping on the kitchen floor. My alarm awoke me from the dream, that it seemed so real. Not sure what any of that means, if anything.
This is so horrible. Here I am having strange dreams about strange men. I don't want to be dating, I just want my h back home. How can that happen? Tears!
Hey, Sweetie!!
OK, I'm thinking you may be dealing with some of the same crap I think I've been dealing with.......and that's hormones!!!
[Or as my Aunt Shirley used to say..."My Hors are Moanin'!"].
I was sooooo down the first two weeks of this month and then the past week....FLIP....and I'm doing just fine!
And this was the week of Valentines day and my anniversary! You'd think it would have been the other way around! I have talked to my Dr and he thinks hormones are most definitely an issue.
And I've had some disturbances with sleeping too!
I know I don't need to remind you how far you've come in your sitch. You are one of the most patient, generous, warm, giving woman I have ever "met"!! And I bet this cycling your H is doing now is barely a blip on the radar screen compared to what he's probably done in the past. It certainly doesn't deserve even a fraction of your pain!
Anyway, my point is just to suggest that some of these fears you are having may just be your brain messin' with you (perhaps a little like your H's brain still stirs him around!). And as I know you have comforted him many times and told him it was OK, you may need to learn to give some of that understanding to yourself! Do ya' know what I mean? I don't think I am explaining this very well......
I really do think you are "in the home stretch" with your H, and you are going to get there!! But you need to remember to save for yourself some of that compassion and patience which you give your H so un-reservedly.
You are an amazing woman, Glam!!! Don't ever forget that!!
[[[[[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]]]
Thank you so much SC. I appreciate your kind words. I just woke up from another strange dream.
In this dream I am married to a really nice looking police officer. Now men in uniform have never been my type, I prefer men in suits with a tie.
My dream h was taking my family out to dinner at PF Changs which was a blend of my own family and my ex h's family. It was in my hometown state as well and my dream h paid for everything.
Ironically I did a little shopping at the mall near our home last night and I drove by PF Changs thinking I wanted to take the kids their soon. Yesterday I took the kids out for Thai food and dessert. We had so much fun.
I am not so sure what to think of all these weird dreams. They kind of scare me though.
Good morning, GG!
I took a Psych class at college where we studied sleep and dreams. The reality is that dreams "mean" really nothing. It is simply the brain "exercising" itself. Studies have shown that while we are in REM sleep, the parts of the brain we used during that day are very active.
Basically, it's sorta like a computer where you may enter stuff into a data base, and then have to run some sort of an electronic "posting" process to actually file it in the archives of your brain. And your brain, like any file system, puts similar things together. If you remember your dream, it just means that you were awakened while you were in REM sleep (i.e. you woke up before your brain was finished processing whatever pit of information it was working on), and you may bring with you into consciousness some little bit of raw data that was just stored in the same area of your brain. It doesn't really "mean" anything.
A good example I remember my professor using is that apparently it is not uncommon for women to have dreams of being raped where they actually are "enjoying" it. This is obviously a very disturbing thing!! But, after research, scientist have found that what this dream is indicative of is just attraction to the idea of sex without the responsibility of sex. In real life we have to worry about issues like STDs and contraception and how our bodies aren't perfect.....but in the dream world, if we are "forced" to do it, we have none of these responsibilities and can just "enjoy" ourselves. This explains why this particular dream is most common in single women not in a committed relationship. That's a vulnerable place to be for a woman. Interesting, huh!
And, I have always been a complete sucker for a uniform!! Especially a military one!!
The marine corps dress blues give me goose bumps!!! But then my Dad was a 22 year Marine so I was indoctrinated into that early!
I remember my H when we were dating, picking me up from school dressed in his summer whites, looking like "an officer and a gentleman"........yep, goose bumps!!
Hope you have a good weekend! I am just planning to read and relax!!
[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]
Thanks SC for that dream insight. I have not had any bizarre dreams like you mentioned and I can say I am glad I have not, now those would scare me even more.
I have always been attracted to men in suits. I used to love attending business functions with my h where he was all dressed in a suit and tie or tux. I just adored him. Something about men in power. I don't know.
I am planning on washing the car today and watching movies and a little cleaning. I baked some cookies earlier today and trying to eat healthy. I picked up some meals at Trader Joe's yesterday.
I love Trader Joes!!!! We are supposed to be possibly getting one near where I live......WooHoo!!
Ok I must be in dream central. Another dream last night. This one was that I noticed h started wearing his wedding ring again. In my dream I didn't say a thing.
This has been the most devastating to me. After all this happened my h removed his ring and I haven't seen it since. To me, that means I am not m, don't want to be m, and definitely want to show the world that I am not m.
Me, I stayed strong and wear mine proudly just like the day we m.
I really struggle with this, any insight?
Glam,
That's a great dream. To me, it means that your H is working on the marriage again. My H took his ring off the day after he moved out. It was to say "I am no longer married. I am free." because he only wore the wedding ring for me and to ward off women.
I took mine off temporarily at the beginning and then put it back on about 8 months after the separation. It's still on and I think my H hates seeing it.
I think it's awesome that you are wearing yours. Don't let what he's doing with his wedding ring influence what you do with yours. I am sure your H is veyr happy that you are wearing yours. It may just take him a while longer to put his back on. And maybe he's not wearing it yet for fear of you thinking he's back already... Maybe he's afraid of pressure.
Hey, Glam!
Insight.......well, according to my psych professor, it just means that you are waking up during REM sleep, meaning nothing more than that you are just not sleeping well. Oh, and waking up, and not being able to get back to sleep, is actually a symptom of clinical depression.
I know what you mean about the ring. My H took his off right when we seperated, so I took mine off at that time and gave it to him and told him to give it back to me when/if he was ready to come home and give our M the justice it deserves.......I have often thought about whether or not this was the right thing to do. At the time, I thought it just sent him the message that I was not going to just "wait around" but move on with my life. But, I will not ask for it back since I think that would be a backslide in his eyes. But, still I do miss it.
Another dynamic regarding the rings in my particular sitch is that we had bought new rings just a year before we split. I had wanted to get matching bands. When we were married, we couldn't affored anything and got a three ring set that only cost about $300. For our 5th anniversary, we had replaced those with a bridal set with rubies for me and a man's ring with rubies for H. H always had trouble with his because it had a space under it that allowed moisture and he worked with chemical and had a problem with his finger always breaking out, so we just got him a gold band one day at Wal-mart to wear "everyday".
After our 20th anniversary, I had wanted to get some matching bands that were more indicative of "where we were at" in our M, which I thought was now a solid connected stood the test of time marriage. We talked about all types of options like designing our own bands, or maybe having our two sets of rings "melted down" and re-made into something that meant something to us. H is not big on "sentiment" and had always done the guy thing of "what's wrong with the rings we have".....which I now see as significant, but at the time, I just put it down to normal behavior for him.
Well, and this is a weird twist, actually the OW had suggested a jeweler to H where she and her H had got their wedding rings, so H and I went and checked it out, and there we found a one-of-a-kind ring for me that we liked. It was MUCH more expensive and "glitzy" than I had planned (I really only wanted some sort of matching bands), but H liked it (it was the only one we had ever found that he really liked), so we had a matching men's ring designed for him, and that's what we wore the last year before the split.
H has since used the whole ring thing as an example of how he had never really been "into" the M, and how we had fooled ourselves. I still have our original set, and the bridal set I wore for almost 20 years, and have thought about putting that one back on, but that doesn't feel right for me.
Sometimes I think H is right and it is all indicative that I really just fooled myself for 28 years.......for all I know, H could have pawned the thing.......I haven't asked and I'm not going to. I'm not sure even if we were to reconcile whether I would want that particular ring back anyway.
Hi glamgirl,
I hope you had a good week-end despite your dreams.
I was thinking of you yesterday since I heard a song "Silent Wings" by Tina Turner. I finally listened to the words and it made me tear up as it could have been written for me.
Have a good week.
Sorry TL that you got teary eyed too with a song. Yes that happens to me too. Memories at times just come flooding in.
SC when h and I bought our wedding bands the clerk at the jewelry store said if the couple trades up on their wedding jewelry it always ends in a D and they trade up to another spouse. At the time we just laughed and said well there is no reason to trade up our jewelry it was perfect for us. Well was perfect for us or still for me.
PH thanks for your insight, I hope that my h is close to home. Only God knows.
H was here today. Didn't see him much. I am back on sunday nights at work. He left the place so nice and clean. Did the kids laundry, baths, and tucked them to bed.
Oh I did ask him today if he was ever coming home. He said do you want me to come home with all my ranting. I said yes h we will work through your rants with C. That is where it ended. At least he said something else this time. Usually he says something like don't know, working on it, I can't get past the anger. At least this sounded a bit more positive.
H will be over tomorrow afternoon.
......if the couple trades up on their wedding jewelry it always ends in a D and they trade up to another spouse. .....
.........He said do you want me to come home with all my ranting. .....
Yes, much more positive.......very cool!!!
[[[[[[[[GG]]]]]]
Hi glamgirl,
Thanks for posting on my thread.
Yes, your H's comment is a bit more positive. Let's hope it will stay that way.
Have a good day.
Well life is taking a turn for the worse. H and I both will be out of jobs by the end of March. H got the news today. Oh well, we will both just dust ourselves off and look for work. At least we can collect unemployment for awhile. It won't be the first time we were both out of work together.
For some reason I am more at peace about it. I can't control it, so why stress. Just not sure what the future holds for either one of us.
H was really stressed today with the news. I don't blame him. He is going to start looking for work right away. I have sent a few resumes out. He helped around the house with the kids and said that it what he needs to do. He also said something about coming back later after the kids went to bed, but then when he left he didn't mention that again and I didn't ask. Not sure what that was about. He has never done that nor said that. He was so stressed and down when he left I am sure he forgot what he said earlier.
Oh well life forges on. Only God is going to see us through this.
I'm so sorry to hear that Glam, I hope you both find jobs again soon....this world-financial-crisis, will affect many...
((((hugs))))
More weirdness. H shows up at 4am today. Says his internet wasn't working. I would like to think we are more to him than just an internet connection. He gos into our office and works.
I do have to say it was nice to have some help with the morning routine. H hasn't been over in the am to help in 3 years.
I did make some comments that were not so loving, but voicing my inner feelings. Not sure what h said, but I said well you can always move back in. His response baby steps. Then I had another response about h not living at home. H was not pleased with my comments and said something like kick a man when he is down. Now that was not what I was doing. You would think my h could see that this gets old and he could try to understand where I am at in all of this.
The whole R feels like having a boyfriend that can't commit or won't commit. You know like you want to get m and the guy doesn't.
I am the type that says forget baby steps, if you have to baby step into something then maybe it isn't worth it. I don't think I ever baby stepped into anything. Either you want to or you don't.
I was crying on my way to work today. I don't want to be some stupid woman waiting for a guy that can't commit. Help!
First of all Peace, so sorry about your jobs. I hope you find something quickly.
I do think your h is getting closer to being able to committ. But he still has a little ways to go.
You know the drill, try to detach a little more if you can. No expectations, and take care of you.
Keeping you in my prayers.
Hi glamgirl,
I am so sorry about your jobs. Hopefully, you both will find something else soon.
H was not pleased with my comments and said something like kick a man when he is down.
I heard that before!!!
I can relate to how you feel. All I can say is be patient. I guess like all MLCers your H still does not know what he wants. On top of this he is probably frightened that once he commits he might fall into the same old habits and problems.
Have a good rest of the week. (((HUGS)))
glam-
I am so sorry to hear about you and your H's jobs. I am sure that has to put more strain on you and just adds to the list of reasons why you want and need your H to come home...but that being said, and I know you have heard this a billion times but, this isn't about what you want or need. Your H is giving you what he can right now. He is broken and he is trying in his own way to fix himself. There is no way to know how long this will take so this is going to take an infinite amount of patience from you. All along on this board I have read that you do not want a MLCer home until they are ready...I think I finally get that and you don't want your H to come home only to leave again. I think I am getting closer to being able to accept that things will just happen at their own pace and trying to force it might only prolong things. Since you have small children, you just had the transition of your S20 moving out and now with your employment situation, you have every reason to be anxious and want resolution. However, if you want your M, you are going to have to dig down even deeper to find more patience and understanding.
I have heard that statisically children do better in a single parent household than in a step-parent situation. Wouldn't it be the best thing for your kids to have their father home even if it takes awhile longer???
It does sound like your H is making more positive comments to you. Appreciate the little steps as much you can and try to take the focus off of where your H is living at the moment.
Glam, Sorry to hear about your job situation and that you are upset with your H not coming home yet. It's hard that this is taking so much longer than you want. At the same time, he probably won't take well to you pushing him. This ordeal does teach us many things, one of them is patience which I think you have been learning and exercising. Your patience will pay off, maybe sooner tahn you think.
I really think he's stopping by at 4am is a good thing. Mybe it'll get him even more used to staying overnight. Maybe the internet going down forces him to come over and stay overnight, and maybe he'll get used to it as a result.
Glam,
Thank you for posting to me! I am so sorry to hear about your job sitch! It's bad for everyone right now.
Hang in there!!
(((HUGS)))
Oh my gosh bad day today. I really don't know how I can cope anymore. I had plans after work and I sent h an e-mail early in the day and let him know that.
About 15 min before he was to meet s7 afterschool he sends me a text and says sorry I won't be over I have to meet the internet guy. At this point I am furious. He let our s7 down and me too.
I text and said you can't do this 15 min before you are suppose to be somewhere and expect me to just drop everything because he can't make it.
Of course I try calling and he isn't going to answer his phone. I am floored. The best he could do was text. This is not something you text about.
I can't go on with this disrespect anymore. I have suffered enough. Enough is enough. An internet connection was more important than the well fair of our kids. That is what it comes down too. A text message was the best he could communicate.
Makes you really sit and wonder. I tried so hard to make this work, but I don't have anything left to give. I don't see anything changing or improving to a level of caring and respect.
I have so much on my plate that it's over flowing and all I get is I have to wait for the internet guy. It's not like we don't have internet at the house that h could have used.
I am devastated! I know that this may seem like an overeaction, but everything has taken a toll on me and I realize that this is NOT what I want for my life. Something has to change.
All I ever get is look what you have done, you hypocrit, you back stabbed me, oh poor me poor me poor me without ever taking responsibility for his actions that caused mass devastation to his family, friends, us and the kids. At least take responsibility for his wrongs that he committed. It's like he doesn't even see it or want to fix it.
Tears!
Glam, I am so sorry you had a bad day and feel like this.
Maybe tomorrow you will have other thoughts.
Just wanted to say I am thinking of you. I understand how you feel.
It has been going on for a long time and at times he seems to be moving but then he always falls back. I don't know how you handle that.
Maybe we see what we hope or want to see and then when this happens reality hits us.
Take care. You are worth more than this.
Glam,
You need a break.
I am sorry that it feels like things are falling apart, but honestly things are not as bad as it seems.
When a Man loses his job it is HUGE!!
A Man finds his self worth in his career, and his ability to support his family.
Have you thought about what is going through his head right now?
Have you thought about how much stress he is under with you and him both out of work?
Even if he were not in MLC, this would be a very stressful situation. My Husband has lost his job several times, and it was even worse when he lost his job during his MLC.
Please try to be patient while he is trying to find his way home, it may seem as though this will never end, but it will.
Each negative action you give him will give you a negative reaction from him.
He needs to find you to be a safe person, he needs to be able to trust you and to be his friend.
Bite your tongue, vent here on the board, go for a run, but do not share your feelings with him right now, this is not the right time.
Try to remember, you are looking for logic in an illogical situation, you may as well bang your head against a wall.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Hi glamgirl,
You got some good advice from BND. She is right, losing his job put your H under even more stress.
I know exactly how you feel. I remember how hard it was when I stayed with H. He was a totally different person and nothing I did was good enough. It was so hard to be patient and not to blow up.
I wish you strength and patience to get throught this difficult phase of your life. (((HUGS)))
Thanks BND you are a very wise woman. I appreciate your insight.
H called today. Everytime he called I was in a meeting and couldn't answer. He text me and said he was sorry about yesterday. He said he was depressed and couldn't handle anything yesterday. I text back sorry and thanks.
Later I was able to call him. He was in a bad mood. He said that he had no appetite didn't feel like eating. I said ok then don't eat h. He then said well how is that going to help me. I said well if you don't feel like eating then you shouldn't. He then said he was leaving as soon as I got home. I said ok h.
I got off the phone as quickly as I could, since I knew it wasn't going good. Then about an hour later he calls and says what are you making for dinner? I said what would you like h. He said could you make salmon. I said sure h. Hmmmmm I thought he wasn't hungry.
Well when I got home I fixed a nice salmon dinner and h stayed for dinner. He was in a little better mood. He helped clean up the kitchen. When he left he said see you on Saturday. I just said ok h, thanks for your help.
The evening went fine. Earlier in the day I didn't even want to speak to h. I am still a little grouchy myself, but starting to feel a little better.
I just want this all to end.
Hi Glam, well I guess you just go back to basics for now.
No expectations and one foot in front of the other.
BND is right that H losing his job is huge for him but you are losing your job too so remember to take care of you first.
Is he actively looking for work? I remember a post you made to MWG once when her h was not looking for work, you said something about your h doing the same at one time.
BTW any news of MWG I guess she/her life is much the same.
Take care.
Thanks for stopping by Naej. Yes, I am just doing as I have always done. I could have choose to be rude and silent yesterday, but then why. My h couldn't face us. I think he could have handled it better, by giving me a call and just being honest. I have yet to bridge that gap with him. He obviously doesn't feel safe to express how he really is feeling to me. I am going to try to work with our c on this.
My h I think is in a better position looking for work this time. Last time he had no notice. This time he has notice, so he is already getting his resume out there. I just hope when the day comes it doesn't put my h in a deep depression again.
I am looking too, but I have to be honest not much on the horizon and I have alot of skills and could branch off in a variety of careers, but have only found a handful of jobs suited to my skills where last time I could apply for upwards of 20+ jobs a week. Oh well I am not going to stress. Been there done that. I can always collect unemployment for awhile and see what direction my life goes.
It's called how does the next chapter of my life read?
Well just talked to xh. His sister was here visiting and stayed with s20. She is back at xh's now and she talked highly of me and s20, so xh called and thanked me again.
It was kind of funny. He said why didn't you take me to church with you to that huge church you were attending when we were together. Believe me I tried. He was unwilling to change at the time. He did admit that today.
It's just weird talking to xh like old times. Though all his memories of us are from so long ago and I hardly remember any of what he is saying. I am sure I am not the same woman from 15 years ago. He does give me lots of praise. It feels good, but even back then I was unable to save my m. I did the best I could with s20 being a single parent before I met h.
It's all still weird though, exh says s20 is so smart he says he makes him feel that he was so stupid for all the foolish things he did when we were together.
All of this is so hard. I feel that my life back then was so broken and now again it's so broken. What does it take to become whole?
Glam, When things get the hardest, that's when God is doing the most work on your H and on your marriage. I got this from yesterday's Charlyne Cares. So, her advice, and mine, is to "turn up the heat" in praying, trusting God, and increasing your faith, and in working on you - if you want to make your life whole again. As you know, God really is in control. Prov 16:9 (I think) says "In his heart, a man plans his course, but it is the Lord who determines his steps." Very assuring.
G, I am sorry you are struggling. I think you need to go back to basic dbing. Put the focus back on you and your kids, let what he says roll off your back, no expectations, pull back a little, ya know?
Thanks PH and BM.
I am definitely going to try to focus on me. I just had a delicious lunch. Aspargus, left over salmon, and I made a spinach salad with almond slivers, dried cran-strawberries, red grapefruit slices and ginder dressing. The whole meal was so yummy.
Just trying to eat so healthy and keep working out. I bought some jeans today size 6, so I have dropped 2 sizes now. One of my co-workers said Glam you need to pick yourself up some new jeans the ones you are wearing are too baggy on you. She is right. At least that was a nice compliment.
H called today. He was in a good mood. I just listened. He let me know what he had to do on saturday and said he might not be over. He is applying for jobs and finishing some work projects. This would be a first to let me know in advance. I do appreciate that.
It's ok since after all I am focused on me. Plan to watch some movies tonight and just chill.
Hi glamgirl,
Thanks for your advice on my thread.
Your food does sound good. - You sound better today. Have some YOU time and a lovely week-end.
Thanks TL. I lost 1.5 lbs this past week. Yeah just changing my diet up a bit and increasing my fitness routine. I did a bit of cheating with chocolate too and still lost some.
I am a bit disillusional though. Contemplating where my life is going and what I should really be doing. I should be enjoying my life with my h, but that is not happening anytime soon. I am not so sure reconciliation is in our future. Not to be pessimistic, but h will need to face me before we can heal. He will need to stop blaming me before we can heal, he will need to stop hanging onto the past for us to heal and he will need to have the desire to be my h before we can heal.
Here it is Sunday. He did not make it over on Saturday and now I am sure he will be here about 15 min before I need to leave for work. What message is he sending me?
What message is he sending me?
GG,
I am glad you vent here, because your Husband could not handle some of this stuff.
I am not sure if you have truly read anything about MLC or not, but I will give you a couple of reminders.
Right now your Husband is trying to be friends with you and that means doing things at is pace,
NOT yours.
Patience, patience, patience!!!!
When my Husband finally decided to come home again, it still took him 6 long months to actually do it, and it seemed like the longest 6 months ever!
The hardest part of MLC, I think anyways, is that they are the ones who betrayed our trust, had the affair, left our home turned our lives upside down....
BUT we, the LBS are the ones who have to help them to rebuild trust with us again.
There is no rushing these things and there is nothing you can do to push him along. You just have to keep on living your life, focusing on yourself and your kids, and give your Husband all the space he needs to figure out exactly what it is that he wants to do.
Hey GG
Just catching up, looks like you have made progress, but patience is the key. Hang in there. and thanks for your posts.
Hi glamgirl,
Just wanted to say hi. Have a good rest of the week.
Thanks BND, Jeff, and TL. BND those were great reminders. 3 years just seems like such a long time for anything to happen. I can't imagine continuing to do this. Yes my h seems to have made progress, but when is the move home going to happen? How can it be taking this long?
I really don't have much to report, it's really dull and boring. The same old thing each day. H did mention something about sitting in silence when he is in these moods or whatever is racing through his mind. He said he didn't want the kids to see him like that.
The kids love their daddy and wouldn't mind him being in silence, they just want him here. I have to constantly try to answer why dad isn't here. They just want the comfort of their father at home.
Not much going on with me. I am working on my own website, which I am enjoying putting together.
So sorry I haven't posted much, my life just feels so boring and empty. I wanted so much to post that my h was packing for home, but think that is far off. I wish it were sooner, but I can't imagine we are coming to the end.
BND, I was unclear. Did your h say he was coming home and then took 6 months to do it. Could you elaborate more? Thanks.
Thanks for listening.
Hey, Glam!
OK, this may sound wierd but I have to say that seeing that people like you (who I know without doubt to be an amazingly strong, exceptionally patient woman) struggle with the same doubts and frustration I do, is a heartening thing for me, and gives me hope that I too will eventually grow to be as strong as the men and women, such as you, that I have admired (and marveled at) for the past year on these boards!!
I know that doesn't exactly help you with the crappy feelings you have been dealing with lately (it sucks I know!) but it is the truth.
And I thank you for being willing to share your journey with us!
Keep truckin', my dear friend!!!!
And let me know on the alt when you are going to be up in my neck of the woods!!!!!
Thanks SC. I am not so sure I would call myself strong, but thanks for that compliment.
My h really doesn't see how deeply I am hurt. He doesn't see me cry. He doesn't feel my emptiness when I sleep alone. He doesn't feel my pain when I see families spending time together wishing that was my life. He doesn't see me struggling to make sure all of our bills are paid, even when I don't have the money. He doesn't feel my desire to run away when the task of life seems so overwhelming. He doesn't see me worrying about my future and where my life is headed.
So you see SC. I don't feel strong. In fact I feel so all alone. My h who was my rock is gone for now. He was the one who paid all the bills and provided for us. Now all of that is gone. I am not sure if he lost the desire to be a provider and to be a protector over his family. I am just not sure about anything in life anymore.
All I really have in this life is myself and my kids. H is there physically, but really so far away emotionally. I really thought he was different when I m him. He was such a wonderful person, friend and h. Where did he go? Why did he change?
I am hoping to get up your way in April. Any chance of coming my way before then?
I am sorry everyone I am so sad today. I want my life back, the wonderful life I had with my h before all of this happened. I want my h to open up to me and talk about what we need to move our lives forward. I want the past to be in the past. I want my h to stop blaming me. I want to be happily m.
Nothing has really happened to provoke these thoughts, I just feel down. My h actually called yesterday a few times and we talked about his work for a few hours. He said he would be over today for breakfast.
Off to shower and de-stress!
Glam,
Your h is trying to be a friend right now....it's all he has in him emotionally. Just as he inched his way away from you and your family, he is now trying to inch his way back. Everything they did in the beginning will be in the reverse coming home. It takes a long time for them to start thawing out. It's not on your time clock, but on his. This is the hardest part of the journey for you. It's called patience and being there as a friend. YR, BND and others will tell you that I have told them the same thing in the past. Accept him for who he is right now, accept that he's trying to find his way back to you and take it hour by hour. Your expectations of what and where he should be right now should remain at zero.
He's got to be the one to come home....the only thing you can do is provide a safe place for him to land. It all takes time.
I hear ya', friend, and can't offer any advice really, because I know that I don't even have the patience to ever even make it to the point you are now at!
What Snodderly says makes sense. The process they went through to leave, now will work in reverse. But we didn't really see the process then (at least not consciously) thus we were shocked by the bomb! Doesn't it seem funny to actually miss the denial we were in back then...????
What a strange journey life is........
And I don't know if I will get down your way.......I was going to be going through there the end of the month on my way to CA, but that seems impossible for me financially now.
Maybe sandycay and I can work out a good time to take a day trip down there, and we can do lunch.....??
Hang in there, sweetie!!
[[[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]
Thanks so much Snodderly and SC. Just having someone to share my inner thoughts makes a world of difference.
You are right Snodderly, it's just so hard. Pain and life's sufferings are so hard. Now I need to wipe these crocodile tears away before h arrives.
He said he was going to be here at 10am, well I guess that means between 10 and 11.
Thank you!
Glam,
I wrote a thread a few years ago to TMAK that explain reconnection. If you can locate it, it may help you better understand what is happening to your husband.
Good luck today.
Hi glamgirl,
I am sorry you are so sad and I know exactly how you feel. Just think that you do have some nice conversations with your H and that he comes by often.
I hope you will feel happier soon and that your H will do something that will cheer you up.
Have a good week. (((HUGS)))
Glam,
The explanation about reconnection is on peacetoday's mlc resources thread. I believe it will help you better understand what your h is doing right now. I hope that it will keep you a little more peace and build up your patience level.
Hey G, this stuff takes a loonnnnnnnnnnggggggg time. Of course you are going to have sad days and days with less patience, you are only human after all!
Take the focus off of h for awhile. Get back to basics, do something fun for yourself.
Then get back on the horse and let him continue on his journey. You could do this, look how far you've come.
Thanks TL for the encouragement. Snodderly I will take a look at that thread. Thanks. BM thanks for stopping by.
The last few days have been good interactions with h. Yesterday I brought him dinner and his meds that he left at our home. He was grateful. He even called a few times yesterday and called to say goodnight.
Today I picked him up a nice red power tie. He has an interview tomorrow. Yeah! He should do very well. He was very appreciative. I called while he was car pooling with a co-worker. H put me on speaker and says Glam you can't talk dirty to me so and so will hear. It's as if we have some fantasy sex life.
It used to be grand, but now with h on AD's it's once and awhile. I will be patient since I know that h just doesn't have the desire. Oh well, one step at a time.
Please pray that my h does well on the interview. A new job would certainly take the stress and anxiety off of h's plate.
Thanks all for listening and encouraging me. Yes BM I have come a long way. A mere year ago, h was saying he couldn't see himself ever coming back to the m. We had just started mc and at that time h was saying I am only attending to be able to communicate with Glam about the kids. We weren't going on dates. H was only coming over 1-2 times per week. Never calling me.
So you are right BM, we have come a long way.
Glam,
How did h's interview go? I hope it went well for him.
You really have come a long way. It will take some time, but your h will figure things out.
The most important thing is for you to take care of yourself.
Ok h had an interview that went really well. The company will be making a decision next week.
I have been talking with h daily. He even asked one day if I was mad at him. I laughed and said NO h. Not sure where he got that at. I don't think in years that he has been concerned if I was mad.
He has been really busy with his job and last night we were talking and he said he was going to be busy all weekend. It's hard since that means we won't see h again for another weekend. His job is ending, but he still puts 150% into it, which is hard for me to understand. He started to get nasty on the phone. I am so proud of myself, instead of taking it or addressing I just said h I have to go, have a nice evening. He hung up. I need to address his disrespect in C.
That is the part that is difficult for me. He wants all this respect, but does he think I don't deserve the same? Oh well todays a new day and I am meeting a friend for lunch. It will be nice to have some adult convo and forget about all that is on my plate right now.
That's it nothing much to report. I wish I could say my h is closer to moving home, but that is not the case.
Hi glam-
This is so frustrating when things seem to be at a stand still. You seem to be taking so much of this in stride. Hopefully when your H's job situation improves, your H will start progressing toward home again.
(((HUGS)))
but since he was gone on his business trip he must of really been missing me and the kids.
My H is leaving for 9 days, in 2 wks and I'm hoping this happens for us. Were you dark when he left? Were you distant? I usually call him about 2-3x a day when he's gone on trips, but this time I'm planning on not calling him. If he wants to speak to me he can call. Is this an ok approach?
I apologize if you've mentioned this in a previous post, I'm new to the MLC board.
(My H still lives home, but we are "seperated" I posted my current sitch on this board)
2g I try not to call my h unless I have to, but on occasion I will call or text and give him encouragment on the job or thank him for things he has done or to give an update on the kids.
When they are distant and in la la land, I do think it's best to let them do the contacting. I am not sure how that works, that you are living together but separated. Then to me, you are not separated.
I do believe we have to be the ones to stand and love unconditionally regardless of how they come across. I have been at this for a few years now and have found that kindness and love has gotten me much further along on this journey.
I will look for your thread.
Thanks Upside for posting. I will check on your thread and see if anything is new with you.
Hi glamgirl,
Thanks for posting on my thread.
I hope your H will get the job. It will release the stress he is under.
Take care and have a nice week-end despite your H not coming by.
GG
Was there a time you were dark
peace
also
thanks for your comments on my thread
did your H ever have OW
was it serious and for how long
when did you see a shift toward you
thanks
Thanks TL and Peace for stopping by.
Peace there was a questionable ow. H denies anything, but don't they all. Regardless he was spending time with her and money in ways he should't have considering he was a m man. She was in my h's life for around 2 years that I know of.
I really don't know for sure that she is out of my h's life now. I can only hope and pray that my h realizes she is not someone he would want to continue to have in his life. I am sure she meant nothing to my h over the long haul. I really cound't see that happening long term, since she really did not have much to offer in attraction or qualities.
What I did Peace is just stopped dwelling on h and her. I stopped bringing her up with h and stopped allowing anger and resentment towards my h to hold me back.
What I did start doing was thanking h, showing respect and admiration towards him. I brought out the love and kindness. For example, making his favorite meal when he would come over, calling and asking if I could pick him up something at the store. Showing my love regardless of how he treated me. Now Peace this went on for many months without hardly a thank you or acknowledgement.
I was about to give up, then one night about a year ago h asked to meet me for dinner. We had a nice convo and from there h started having different feelings towards me or acting differntly towards me. He wasn't so distant and cold. We started to spend more time together, date nights, no R talks. It wasn't great, but it was a start.
I also prayed daily the hedge of thorns prayer and eventually h moved closer to home. My prayer was to have him move from where he was and I was thinking of home, but God had another plan. He moved him closer.
Peace it has been baby steps. It has been rough. I have felt like giving up, but I know how much I do love my h and know that the old h is buried deep inside, but is starting to resurface a little at a time.
I do believe this battle can be won, one day at a time, one kind word at a time, and one prayer at a time. Praise God that he is standing by my side and comforting me every step of the way.
Peace I was dark at times with my h, but that didn't seem to go well for me. It really created more distance between us and in didn't feel good in my heart.
I do realize that some need to go dark to heal. What I did do though Peace is I really only called my h when I really needed to. Mostly because he rarely answered or called back. That hurt me more than anyone could imagine. It just made it feel like my h just didn't care at all, so for me just answered when he called and called only if I needed to.
As we have grown today, he answers mostly or at least returns my call unless he is in a deep depression, so we really have made some good progress this past year.
Now the million Dollar question is when is my h going to move home? Not really sure what keeps him so stuck. He acts like he loves me and kids, but not enough to spend every day and night with us.
Glam,
When you least expect it, that's when he'll return home. Right, now, he's still got a couple of issues to resolve. They all get right up to the finish line and hesitate before stepping over it.
Dig deeper for more patience. He will step over the finish line when he's good and ready. You can't force this stage or he'll scurry back up into the crisis and will take longer to come back out to even tough the finish line.
How are things going w/you?
Thanks Snodderly for stopping by, you have such great words of wisdom. I am doing fine. Just spent the weekend with the kids watching movies.
H has been a bit mad, spewing as usual. I did something that my h didn't like, so instead of kindly discussing it with me, h has gotten nasty and disrespectful. Each time though I have immediately gotten off the phone. That would be a 180 for me. I just very politely say h I need to go, have a good evening, see you tomorrow.
Trying to keep a PMA about my life and where it's headed. It looks like another family has moved in across the street from us. I can't help but get down when I see all these families sticking it out. It just makes me sad for my own situation and my children. Our kids are old enough to realize their dad doesn't live with us and want to know why.
Things are going to get tougher when h and I are both out of work, but trying not to focus on that at the moment. Our mortgage is paid for today and we have food and for the most part we are healthy and happy.
I didn't exercise all week last week. I am still getting used to the time change, but hopefully I can do better this week.
H will be here today, but I have no idea when. I just pray that he doesn't start his spewing with me again. I don't know how much more of that I can take. I am going to start taking St Johns Wart and 5 htp for my mild depression again, I do find it helps. I didn't take it all week this week and think that is why I am slightly off and can't get focused.
We will see what the day brings.
Glam,
Your h still has a bit of anxiety and stress going on in his life. He's still not "matured" enough to handle it yet. You did the right thing getting off the phone when he was spewing.
I'm sorry to hear about the job situation. Hopefully something will come along very soon. Glam, you are a very resourceful woman and will think of something to do for income. Sit quietly and the answers will come.
Please be careful w/St. John's Wort. I had read some negative things about it a while back. You may want to do a search on it.
I hope everything goes well today.
Thanks Snodderly on that advice. I will research some more, but have been taking it for aobut a year now and it is actually working very well for me. I only take one capsule a day, but have noticable differences when I don't take it. More irritability and negativity when I don't.
If you have more severe depression, AD's are best.
GG
Thanks for answering my questions
Its hard to know if going dark is right
my H also ditances more when I go dark
but since he is living with OW, our D is almost final, I see no other choice..
sure h would like to be friends and maybe one day that is possible
not now and I only see our connection as weve had it these 2 years as a friendship and Its not good enough
peace
Hi glamgirl,
Thinking of you. - Have a good week. (((HUGS)))
Thanks TL and Peace for stopping by.
H came over on Sunday to help with the kids. I fixed him some breakfast. We had sex and a steamy shower before I went to work. It was nice.
H said that he missed some doses of his AD's. You think, that is why he was so nasty. Next time I will just say h have you taken your meds. I can't remind him to take his meds daily, but it does throw him off emotionally when he skips a dose.
He did say something about me enjoying my time away from him and that would be missed if he moved back. I said h that is not true. I said maybe it's you that is enjoying your freedom. He says is this what you call freedom?
Then he made some mention about Glam it's too bad that you are a morning person and I am a night person. That has always been an issue for us. I just said something about it's hard to be a night person when you work 8-5 and the kids need to go to school.
He fails to recognize that when he had a normal 9-5 job that we did do nicely. We even carpooled to work. When he had his own business of course he could work the hours he wanted and now he has a job working from home with some travel, so he can work the hours he likes.
It feels like he is putting up roadblocks to our M and him moving home. It's almost like he has to justify staying away. This is the part that makes it so discouraging. What is reality here? Does he really not see himself ever coming home?
Glam,
He's still in the last stage of his crisis and he's still trying to convince himself that the two of you have differences. Pay his comments no mind. He's testing you to see how you will respond. They tend to do that more frequently towards the end.
Also, do not ask him about his meds. You are putting yourself in the mother mode to his child mode. He's an adult and should know that taking them keeps him on a smoother path. He'll figure this out on his own.
His comment about you enjoying your time when he's not around...again another test to see how you feel about him being around and on a permanent basis.
Glam, he's right where he should be. He's doing all of the things that I would expect for someone in the final stage. YR's, BND's and DebM's hs did the same thing. They want to make sure that the changes you've made are permanent and that home is really a safe place to return.
Please do not lose your patience now. It's very important to dig deeper for more patience. It's going to be worth it once he's home and then the real work will begin for sure.
Hey G, you are doing great! He's on the last leg and he's rounding the finish line. You can do this.
Remember now more than ever - no pressure, no expectations, validate when you can, live your life. He is testing you.
Hi Glam as ever good advice from Snod.
Just had a question tho re AD's I thought that you would need to be off them for quite a while before you had noticeble mood and personality chances?
Does it depend on the strength or type of AD's. I don't know too much about them but assumed they stayed in your system for quite long periods of time.
I guess the last leg is the hardest,take care.
Hi Glam,
I don't have any words of advice to offer. Just wanted to say I hope you're feeling better today, you're doing a great job DBing. Thanks for the advice you have offered me.
Hang in there glam. I too question whether or not this will ever end. We have to remember that we don't know what is going on underneath the surface. For me, it seems like my H will never come home although I know he is trying to work on it. However, my H is feeling pressure (not all from me) to figure this out, so he is having hypertension. Your H is trying to figure this out too and is feeling the pressure. There is hope...my H said at C yesterday that he can't picture his life without me and is at least 80% committed to working on the M.
I know this is hard but remember that the things you value most in life are the things you had to work the hardest for.
Glam,
I might be wrong, but I don't thing your h being off the AD's for a very short period of time is creating the behavioral changes. I think he's still fighting with himself and this behavioral/personality change can and will be exhibited a little bit in the last stage. Many of them display this behavior. I call it the last rebelling prior to growing up entirely.
Glam, I could be off base about what I think is going on, but I really do think he's fighting with himself about everything right now. He's looking for you to say something so that he can say that's why I can't come back yet. Don't say anything...allow him to fight with himself. Sit quietly and observe from afar.
Thanks all for posting and encouraging. Sometimes it is so hard to know what to do.
Here we go again!
H stops by the house late last night and brings me money for the kids. Before he leaves he says Glam I am so depressed. We hugged each other and h let me lay hands on him and I prayed over him for depression, anger, jobs, and our M.
He was over only about 5 min and then left. Soon after he leaves he calls my cell. He says Glam I can't describe it but I am so depressed and feel like I can't do anything.
He said he is so angry, but doesn't know how to shake it. He said I am so angry that I can't even talk to you Glam without getting so upset.
He said his mom awhile back told him that he wasn't a good father. He resented those comments and said he just can't get over what she said. He said it really bothers him. Now I am sure his mom said that because he wasn't home. In the beginning weeks would go by before we heard from h. I am sure as a mom she knew that she didn't raise h to be like this, so I am sure his actions hurt her and this is why she said what she did.
He also said some nice things too. He apologized a bunch for being depressed. He said thanks for being patient and supportive. He hadn't called on Mon when he changed his plans and wasn't available to meet when he said. He apologized for that and said Glam I should have called you, that wasn't right of me.
He also said Glam you have been the best w, the best mother to our kids, I couldn't ask for anything more. He then apologized more for his depression.
Then he said Glam I am going to get off this call and drive around. He said he would rather listen to the car noise vs his heart pounding sitting alone in a room. I am scared! I don't know how to help h. I don't know what to do.
I sent him a simple e-mail today about change of plans on Friday and then asked how he was doing. No response! Now I am worried.
Tears! What can we do for this depression and anger? Anybody have any ideas?
(((glam)))
Is there anyway to get your H back to the doctor to see if there are some other med that might work? Has your H had any kind of testing done to see if he has a chemical or hormonal imbalance? My H is now going to an acupucturist...he seems to be feeling a little better but we'll see how it goes...he just started last week.
Your H has such difficulty letting things go and he seems to take things so personally. If someday my S left his wife and children, I could see myself saying something similar to him that your H's mom said. She just wants the best for her family and she probably doesn't understand your H's depression. It is too bad that your H is unable to see it that way.
I hope your H is able to pull himself out of this quickly and you are able to get back on track.
(((HUGS)))
Thanks Upside. H recently went back to the Dr and she upped his dose about 1 month ago. He did say he wants to see an acupuncturist for his back. What is your h being treated for?
Yeah I don't know what to think about not letting go. I don't know what the trick will be for h, but it's holding him back from moving forward. Maybe he is not ready to move forward and face his inner feelings.
My H is going to the acupuncturist for anxiety and hypertension plus he has been having some knee pain. She put him on some herbs and my H is hoping that he will eventually be able to cut back on his blood pressure meds.
Seems that holding things in is one of the factors that put someone into crisis. You would think that your H would want to address these issues and let them go so he could start to heal...but it is hard to understand for those of us who have never been in that kind of depression.
Hey, [[[[[[[[Glam]]]]]]]]
Sorry I've been neglectful in my posting......but I have been checking in! I think Snodderly and Upside are right. I think your H is right on the cusp of a "breakthrough". You have been so very patient and unconditionally supportive of him and he has seen that and acknowledged that to you!!! [I am pea green with envy!!!
].
Just keep being the pure beautiful soul you are and you are going to look back on this time and see that, though it seemed like forever, it will just turn out to be a blip in the radar screen of your life together with your beloved H!! What, do you think he's going to find someone better?? They don't come any better than you!!!! He's got to know that! If anything, maybe he is afraid that he can never live up to you and be the man he knows you deserve! Lucky for him,
you see the beauty inside him that he doesn't see himself yet!
Keep hangin' in there, babe!!!!
Glam
your H sounds like the stage that was wriiten on depression in the MLC
maybe he is close to bottom or there
I think you are doing a great job being supportive and he can see and feel all youve done for him and he can verbalizr it
I sense he will get thru it
re read that stage today if you have time stage 4 and 5
you can find those resourses on a post I started mlc resources
hang in
peace
Hi glamgirl,
Just wanted to say hi and hope you are doing fine.
Glam,
There's nothing you can do for him. He's got to work through this on his own. You cannot rescue him this time. All you can do is listen, validate and be there as a friend. He knows that you are there for him and he's looking to you to be his lighthouse in his storm. Glam....patience, compassion, friendship and validation are the keys that you can provide. Keep your expectations at zero...he is fragile.
Take care. I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks all for the support. I really need it to remind me of what's important and to keep forging on.
I called h today, no answer. I left him a message and asked if he would be over today.
He sends an e-mail later in the day and says no, but that he would be over on thur and fri. Then 2 min later he says he will be over for dinner tonight.
Then early evening, he says too much work and that he was not coming. I took the kids out for dinner since I was exhausted today.
I was given a few more projects today that have critical deadlines. I am taking next week off, so need to finish all that is on my plate.
H and I still have jobs. H's will finish soon. Mine should be safe until May for now.
Well we will see what tomorrow brings. It's interesting when h is severly depressed he doesn't call only e-mail or text.
Peace I will check out those resources.
GG, I am sorry your h is struggling so. As someone with depression and anxiety, I know how he is feeling. He needs to be in close contact with his doctor. It took 5 different meds and three dose adjustments before my doctor found the right combination.
I forgot, is your h in IC? That is so important. Just keep letting him know you are there for him and no pressure. He might need to be alone more right now.
Hang in there, my friend. You can do this! Dont forget to take care of you.
Hi Glam,
I just wanted to say hi & I'm thinking about you!!!
(((HUGS)))
GG
Your H cant make up his mind ...
just try to take care of yourself
hopefully he will realize more after this part of the crises is over
keep your
faith..you have done an amazing job being there for him
peace
Thanks everyone for your support.
Now h was in better spirits on Thursday. He called and said I am outside your work, how about lunch. I was busy and couldn't join him for lunch, but came outside from my work and said hello to h and my s7.
H called a few times while I was working, got haircuts for the kids, did a little shopping and then took us all out for dinner.
He came over today even though he was over 2 hours late from when he promised. Said he overslept. Once again though he was in a good mood. He took me to a work function and then let me borrow his car later when I ran some errands.
H's job will probably end soon, but h seems to be ok with it now that he has processed that his life was consumed with his job. He even said it wasn't worth it since his health and family has been suffering. It has been nice to see h more involved and not so wrapped up in his work. He also realized the importance of family.
Don't know what the future holds for h and work. Depending on his work, he might be spending time with us next week. We will see. He will be over on sat in the afternoon. This will be the first sat he is spending with us in a long time.
Hi, Glam.
So glad your H seems to be doing a little better. Wish I could say the same. The past few days have been absolute doozies for me and I'm in complete shock. But, I am happy for you, my friend! You deserve all the joy life has to offer, my friend! Really!!!
[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]
glam I just read this and I feel like you tore a page from my life today and pasted it here...
"Peace there was a questionable ow. H denies anything, but don't they all. Regardless he was spending time with her and money in ways he should't have considering he was a m man. She was in my h's life for around 2 years that I know of.
I really don't know for sure that she is out of my h's life now. I can only hope and pray that my h realizes she is not someone he would want to continue to have in his life. I am sure she meant nothing to my h over the long haul. I really cound't see that happening long term, since she really did not have much to offer in attraction or qualities.
What I did Peace is just stopped dwelling on h and her. I stopped bringing her up with h and stopped allowing anger and resentment towards my h to hold me back.
What I did start doing was thanking h, showing respect and admiration towards him. I brought out the love and kindness. For example, making his favorite meal when he would come over, calling and asking if I could pick him up something at the store. Showing my love regardless of how he treated me. Now Peace this went on for many months without hardly a thank you or acknowledgement.
I was about to give up, then one night about a year ago h asked to meet me for dinner. We had a nice convo and from there h started having different feelings towards me or acting differntly towards me. He wasn't so distant and cold. We started to spend more time together, date nights, no R talks. It wasn't great, but it was a start.
I also prayed daily the hedge of thorns prayer and eventually h moved closer to home. My prayer was to have him move from where he was and I was thinking of home, but God had another plan. He moved him closer.
Peace it has been baby steps. It has been rough. I have felt like giving up, but I know how much I do love my h and know that the old h is buried deep inside, but is starting to resurface a little at a time."
and what has been going on today. And like you said it doesn't "feel" right in my heart.
"Peace I was dark at times with my h, but that didn't seem to go well for me. It really created more distance between us and in didn't feel good in my heart.
I do realize that some need to go dark to heal. What I did do though Peace is I really only called my h when I really needed to. Mostly because he rarely answered or called back. That hurt me more than anyone could imagine. It just made it feel like my h just didn't care at all, so for me just answered when he called and called only if I needed to.
As we have grown today, he answers mostly or at least returns my call unless he is in a deep depression, so we really have made some good progress this past year. "
how do you keep the faith, where do you get the patience?
"He acts like he loves me and kids, but not enough to spend every day and night with us. "
Unfortunately this is not true in my sitch. I feel nothing from my H right now. I've noticed a tiny new interest in the girls, but other than that nothing. If anything I feel like going semi dark with him has just made things easier for him to continue on with his life and still making no changes. I don't really thing any more that he cares if he loses me or not.
Sorry for hijacking glam. Your post just struck a chord in me. Thanks for listening.
Glam,
I'm glad to see that he's feeling a bit better, but they do have their ups and downs during this period of time. Accept him for who he is right now and if he's having a bad day, it could be the meds or it could be he's fighting w/himself or the workload is stressing him. It's difficult when they are swinging to and fro.
I do hope that all of you enjoy your Saturday together. Glam, it's going to be okay....he just needs more time to finish up the baking process.
GG
Hope today is fun
OH
Thanks for your post
It is such a tough decision which stragey to take
this dim/dark thing seems to creat these huge walls for us too
It causes me pain and H also is affected in many negative ways
like not showiung at work, not visiting kids
I dont think it will work
but there is part of me that really hates H right now so it is hard to DB and have a plan
but the 2 years we had with DB didnt bring him home although it was peaceful and he hung here a lot more
just cake eating?
so im at a loss
I apprectiate your suggestions
sorry to hijack
peace
TOH it truly is a tough situation that we are in. We will never know if this works or that works, but you do have to have lots and lots of patience and to ride things out. I am not so sure that it makes things easier for them, what I do think though that it makes it easier to return.
If you don't have that warmth and love they will never be able to come home and feel safe. TOH don't sell yourself short, I bet your h cares, he just can't right now. He is torn, with his own crisis and can't return right now. That is why it is so important to love them from a distance.
TOH I can say that is takes itty bitty baby steps. What you and I would think how quickly something should be resolved it's not that way with our h's. They can take a step and jut to get to that step it could take months. That is why you need to decide if the stand is worth it.
I would think that after a year of C and h saying he loves me and yada yada yada that he would move home, but NO. Unfortunately I see that far in the future. So now I must dig deeper and still have no guarantee.
Peace it truly is so hard to know what direction to take. I just followed my heart. I remember reading here over a year ago and some said go dark, go dim, no contact just be loving. I was torn. I started to read MWG's thread and something just clicked. I decided to be loving, but that has been a long cold lonely journey as well, but it has brought my h the closest to coming home. He also has been affectionate and loving, which prior he was cold and distant.
I have also read many R books that talk about love, respect, appreciation, and admiration. That is what I tried. I think it's working for me, but I have to tell you it took many months of this before h even gave me a thank you, so it's not like you can try something and say oh that didn't work. I think it was like 6 months of doing this. I was on verge of saying forget it and then I did something really nice for my h and he called and wanted to meet for dinner. Now it wasn't an R talk at all, but just h talking about himself, what jobs he was applying for and asking me what I thought. It was the first time, my h enjoyed my company in a long long time.
Thanks Snodderly for your wisdom. I did go back and read the mlc resources that you mentioned. They are helping me to stay focused and shed some understanding.
H was actually very nice yesterday. When he was leaving s7 said dad when are you going to start sleeping in the house? H's response see you tomorrow. I feel so bad for my kids they just want their dad here like all the other kids in the neighborhood have. I feel bad that my family really isn't a family. Not in the true sense of the word. I was actually quite suprised h let me borrow his car. He seemed so non chalant about it and said why wouldn't I let you borrow it? He drives a mercedes and said he was suffering driving it, since what he really wants to be driving is a cadalac. I just said h I can take that car off your suffering hands and laughed. H will be here some time this afternoon.
No worries of hijacking that is what these threads are for.
Oh Peace one other thing I wanted to mention was that not showing at work and for the kids is probably more about the depression than anything else. Not sure where your h is on the depression scale.
I just know now that when h was not showing and seeing the kids and would be a no call no show and he was Peace many times, that it was about depression and how he didn't want his family to see him that way.
Things really didn't start getting better until h started on AD's. He had a rough couple of days this week, but seems to be holding up the last few days. He also is very positive about his job search, where we did discuss last time that he really took 6 months before he could even start to look for work, this time he says he is ready mentally for the challenge.
Well I have been in bed most of the day. Not feeling well and really exhausted. I was thinking am I sick or just my body trying to catch up on sleep.
Late in the day h texted me and said not coming over sick. So now I am thinking that I must be really sick too. I was hoping he would watch the kids when he came over so I can just rest, but not going to happen.
I have the week off from work, but I hope I don't have to spend it in bed resting and that this exaustion will pass by tomorrow.
Not sure h will make it tomorrow either, but I will not worry about it. I wish I could just rest with No kids. Must be nice h. This is always the hard part to deal with. I am sick, but don't have a choice not to take care of the kids. It's not fair.
Hi glamgirl,
I am sorry you are sick and hope you will get better soon. It would really be a shame if you had to spend all week at home.
Yes, for a mother it is so hard to just rest and relax because she needs to take care of the kids.
Take care. (((HUGS)))
Well here I sit with a headache and have been crying for hours. It was not a good day. Not even sure where to begin.
H showed up around 3pm. I had just got back home from picking up a few things. I fixed a quick lunch. Then I had to run out and pick up a few groceries.
H says take my car, so I did. He asked me to put gas in his car. While I was getting gas, I reached back to throw a reciept away and his trash was overflowing, so I decided to empty for him, since he is always doing these nice gestures for me.
Out fell all these reciepts from McDonalds for breakfast for 2 at 5am - 6am. It wasn't just one receipt, but many. They were for the last few weeks almost daily. I couldn't help that it bothered me. First of all, he was so quick about a week ago to point out that it's too bad that we are NOT on the same page with morning and night person. Now these were all at 5am. So either he doesn't sleep at all or he is up early.
No 2X4's here, I did ask h who he was with and why so early. Of course, h has a response and says he is working out playing racketball. It's in a part of town that we don't ever hang out at. Could be the case, but I am not so sure.
Anyway, it all just came pouring out and I realized I really don't know my h anymore, nor does he care to include me in his life. I have never been ok with this, but now I realize for me I just need more in my life.
It bothered me so much because here I have been going to work out at a posh gym at 5am every morning for months and have invited h and he says oh I am sleeping at that hour and can't join you, but here he has no trouble meeting others if that is what he is doing to work out.
I am not angry at my h, I am just throwing in the towel. I realzie that I just need more than he can offer. It's been almost 3 years and he can't look me in the eyes and say Glam this is where I am living, even though he promised in C that he would tell me. Then he is off early am almost daily playing racketball, which really suprises me since he hasn't mentioned it in the least. If he were really working out I think he would have said I am feeling so good now that I am working out again complaining how sore he is. At least that has how it has been in the past.
I don't really care about the receipts and who he is playing racketball with it's just the lack of caring and respect on his part. I really am only a fraction of his life and I need more now. I am amazed at how really little I know about his life now and that doesn't seem to be improving. He doesn't seem to make any effort to include me. I really don't know how to describe it other than shrugging my shoulders, feeling numb and needing more from a M. I know many will say he can't give that right now, well I can't give anymore. There is nothing left inside me to give. I am empty and feel alone.
So on Sat, he is eating McDonalds at 6am, text me in the afternoon and says he is sick and then takes off for a 6+ hour drive, so he says but he is sick and can't come over and help with the kids.
I just can't take the disrespect anymore and need things to change, but know that my h doesn't have it in him to make any changes, so I have NO choice but to move on with my life. I love my h more than anything in this world, but I am done. I am not mad at my h, he isn't capable of impoving the m right now with his limited self. I am actually very sad and grieving over the loss of our m.
Someone once said on here that when you really let go it hurts all over again and worse. I guess that is where I am at now.
I did make dinner for our family this evening and it was quiet. H said how long are you going to be mad at me. I said h I am not mad at you. Which I am not. He then asked to drive me to the bank. I was quiet. H said I guess you are not going to talk to me. I said h I am sorry, but I have nothing to say. Practically bawling on the ride. He said no reason to be sorry.
He dropped me back at home and said goodbye, see you on Tuesday.
With that I have a splitting headache and I am sure my eyes will be puffed out like frogs in the am. I am also feeling some mild chest pain, which is not unusual for me when I am stressed.
I will be ok, I just have to make plans for my future now whatever that means. In many ways I feel I let my h down, my kids down, myself and even God, but I am human and life is short! I am so sorry, I really wanted to be a success story here to encourage others, but life took it's toll on me mentally and physically, but it doesn't mean my stand wasn't worth it. I learned lots and have a finer appreciation of life and God!
Hi Glam, I am sorry to read your post and a little suprized but you know we all support whatever decision you make.
You alone know when enough is enough and you have been amazingly patient for years.
You haven't let anyone down so stop those thoughts right now.
Life is short and I have always maintained Life is a gift from God and not to be wasted or squandered.
Sometimes we do have to lift our head out of the sand and face reality.
H can always catch you up if and when he decides, right now he is living his life,so live yours to the fullest whic can only truly be done when we let go.
All the very best to you, you deserve so much more than crumbs.
(((glam)))-
I know that feeling of being done but then I somehow seem to get sucked back in. It is okay if you are truly done...and it is okay if you choose to continue to stand. Whatever path you choose is not an easy one.
naej is right, you haven't let anyone down. If everyone who has marital problems put as much effort into saving their marriage as you have, there would be far, far fewer divorces. You have been patient and tried your best to understand what your H is going through. When you just can't understand his actions, that can really hurt.
I am sorry for what you are going through right now. I wish you the strength you need to take whichever path you choose.
(((HUGS)))
Dear glam, I don't really know what to say. I understand your pain - truly I do. ((((glam))))
I'm too new to offer wise advice, but I know from the posts you have sent me that you are a very wise strong woman. I hope you feel better and find the brighter side really soon.
(((HUGS)))
Naej thank you for your kind words. It's really not about my h anymore, but about what I want for my life. I am sure that the reciepts were just icing on the cake that just put me over the edge. For the past few months I have been feeling like I just need to get on with my life.
I don't expect my h to understand. His answer is always defensive and well Glam then go find someone else. Rather than Glam I want to work on our M, we are stuck right now what could we do that would show a committment on my part?
I don't see any of that. In fact I set-up IC for h and he didn't follow through. I think that would have helped with anger issues. I just felt that we were at a standstill and nothing was going to move us forward. What is the incentive for my h to move home? There isn't one. He seems content to continue as is.
Yes, I could continue to dig deep for more patience but something just came over me inside and I don't have the strength or the desire to stand any longer. It doesn't mean I can't be friends with my h. I hold nothing against him nor do I have any ill will towards him. He is actually a very good man and father.
My eyes are swollen today from crying. I truly am very sad. Not sure how to shake the sadness, but thanks everyone for your kind words and care. I will get through this one day at a time.
I just got a call from h's boss. I did not answer. He left a message out of concern for my h. I hope my h is ok today, it sounded like his boss had not heard from him in a few days. I really do care about my h and only hope for the best for him, but right now I need to care for myself.
Last night h washed the towels and he said Glam I washed the towels in YOUR room. I am sure h meant nothing by it, but it all just takes it's toll on your soul one word at a time until there is nothing inside to give back, but an empty broken shell of a person. You can only be blamed so much until you litterally fall to the ground paralyzed and powerless unable to move. That is how I feel! I felt I was fighting a battle that could never be won!
Now I just get a call on my cell with the same area code as h's boss. I don't think coincidence, but no message was left. I will not answer as this is h's issue, but I do pray he is ok today.
I certainly didn't mean to put more stress on my h's plate than he already has. It was not my intent.
Sometimes when we allow ourselves to really step back from the situation, and we take off the rose colored glasses, we can see our Spouse for who they truly are.
When we are thrown into this MLCinsanity we, the LBS don't really see things as they are. We want so badly to have our Marriages restored and for things to just be normal again.
We make changes and we continue to exude unconditional love and patience, which is in itself a wonderful thing, but it is also like throwing pearls before swine.
Until they truly want to change and make changes it will always be the LBS who puts in all of the effort into the Marriage, even if they come home.
Glam, whatever happens, whatever you decide, please know that you fought the good fight. The last part of the crisis is the hardest and the most frustrating.
Hang in there, love him from a distance.
((((hugs))))
Glam,
Hope you are feeling a bit better this afternoon. This leg of the journey is the hardest part. Love him from afar.
Here's my take on the receipts, and it's just my opinion, I don't think your h is out playing games at the gym. I think your h is so screwed up w/depression, he's going out at that time of the morning because he can't sleep. If he were out exercising, he would have mentioned it by now. I think he tossed that comment in about the games, etc., because he knows you are up and going to the gym. Glam, it doesn't matter, listen and then let his excuses fly out the window. I just do not believe him at this time.
As for you my friend, lots of liquids, rest and comfort foods. Let him go for a while and concentrate on yourself and your children. He'll catch up if he really wants to. Whatever you decide to do, Glam, I'm there w/you 100%.
Take care of yourself...you are a valuable cyber family member.
Hi Glam hope you are having a better day.
"My eyes are swollen today from crying"
Have you tried cold tea bags on the eyes they really do help.
(I used to pop them in fridge for a while after I had made and drank my tea)
The round tea bags are also just the right shape for puffy eyes.
Take care.
Thanks BND and Snodderly for your words of wisdom.
I don't believe he is playing racketball either Snodderly, he would have mentioned it. It was his way to dodge the subject which is repeated over and over and over in his behavior through this whole crisis. He can't look me in the eyes and tell the truth, but it's ok I am not going to waste anymore time on it.
It was yet another opportunity to open the door for my h to tell the truth, but he won't, he doesn't have it in him. It's more important for him to be secretive than to tell the truth.
You are right BND I so wanted to restore my M and didn't want to accept my h truly for who he was, but the receipts thing really opened my eyes. I know he is going through the drive thru and not eating inside and it's always for 2 not one person. It's interesting though, he made such a big deal of not allowing food in his car, but I guess that's all changed at 5am. There was also several occassions where he went back around 10 or 11am to the same location.
I would like to say I don't care, but yes I do and that is why it hurts so much and I realize that he just doesn't have it in him to care what I think. When he is here he acts like he cares, but then I get a glimpse of reality. Driving who knows who around at 4 or 5am, but what does it matter anymore. Like I said before, there is no room for me right now in h's life.
All I ever here from h is how all he does is sleep and how depressed he is, but that doesn't appear to be the case. It sounds like he has a pretty active am life and has found someone to eat with him on a daily basis. All I ever wanted from him was to be an honest man. H and I used to have many phone convos all hours of the night, you would think he would call sometime just to talk, but not the case.
I am just so dissappointed. BND I really wanted my h to be someone different. I really wanted to believe in him and what he was saying. I wanted him to find God so much. I wanted my m to be restored like that movie Fireproof.
I will try the teabag suggestion Naej. Thanks all for listening to my despair. I am sorry if I sound down. I am just dealing with the grim reality ahead for me and h on this journey.
I do not regret treating h with love and respect. It is the better way and at least we can go on and co-parent as friends and not enemies.
Glam,
It's time for you to take are of Glam. You've been a kind, loving and compassionate person to your h throughout all of this. Love him from afar, but you need to continue moving forward.
He is still in crisis and he will continue to lie and be secretative for many months to come. He still does not feel he can tell you the truth about what he's doing, where he's going and with whom. I do not think he's got the active social life at 5 a.m. I do think that his depression has him so screwed up that he doesn't know which end is up.
Glam, we can't be sure that he isn't stocking up on the food for himself. He could very well be not fixing anything and then when the morning comes, he's binging, i.e., purchasing food for two and then going back later. Some of these folks do eat a lot of food...it becomes their addiction. I'm not making excuses for his behavior, but I'm just pointing out that something is seriously wrong with this picture of being at a drive thru at that time of morning and then going back later to the same place.
Yes, you are disappointed that things haven't gone the way that you thought that they should, but Glam, you aren't dealing w/a rational/sane individual. You are dealing w/someone in deep depression. They do not act like normal people at all. He's sleeping a lot which means he's not eating meals in a normal setting of three meals a day. This guy is most likely only eating when the hunger gets to be too much. Again, I'm not making excuses, I'm giving you some food for thought because he's doing exactly has been written about the "dark" depression.
The only grim reality here is that you will need to continue down the path on your own and just leave him be. Accept him for who he is right now. The man you knew and loved pre-crisis is gone and may not return once the baking is complete. Your man may be a new and improved one or he could be someone you do not like. The jury is still out on this while the baking is being completed.
Glam, your expectations have been set far, far too high. Leave them in a box up on a shelf for now. The man can't give you any more than he has to offer right now. As difficult as this may be for you, and yes, you may think I'm blowing smoke, I do think that his depression is creating a lot of issues for him right now, the eating, the sleeping and the lying about what he's doing. Listen and file away what he says. He needs to know that you aren't going to point fingers at him right now.
Again, this is the hardest part of the journey. I've told a number of posters this who get to where you are. The only advice I can offer to you is to continue moving forward. If he wants to join you, and can actually catch up w/you, he will.
Glam, it's time to take care of you! The good lord will watch over your h and take care of him. I wish that I could give you a hug this evening because I really do think you need one.
Hey my friend, so sorry to hear your pain. Listen, you need to take care of you.
The real purpose of dbing is to change and grow, to learn who we are and what we want.
So, take some time for you. Do not feel bad or that you are a failure. You are a wonderful, compassionate, honest, caring human being. Never, ever forget that.
Thanks Snodderly. I do appreciate your advice and wisdom. Last week I picked up 4 books from the local library on depression, to try to get my arms around what h is dealing with. Any good book titles, please let me know.
Not sure about the expectations too high Snodderly. If you could elaborate I would appreciate that. I will take that cyber hug thanks.
BM thanks for stopping by and offering support.
H just called. I did answer, since I had sent an e-mail that his boss was calling. He asked what I was up to and what his boss left as a message. He also asked if I could check the mail as he was expecting an important piece of mail.
We chatted a few about his job and then he said he had to go. He said he is taking this week off as vacation from his job.
I am off this week too. Praise God, since I am not sure how I could handle job responsibilities this week.
Thanks all for the support, I can really use it right now.
Wow, [[[[[[[[[[Glam]]]]]]]]]]
There must be something funky in the karma the past several days because it sure has been a challenging time for many of us!! {Although I can't see my new baby grand-daughter as a "bad thing"
).
Glam, "success" has nothing to do with whether or not your marriage is "reconciled". You are now and will
always be to me a shining example of grace and dignity and unconditional love in the face of tremendous odds! I know without doubt that my life has been enriched by watching you, and I know many others here who feel the same!
I don't know if your M really is "over" as you think.....maybe this is just the kick in the pants your H needs to "hit bottom"......whatever the outcome, Glam, be secure in the knowledge that you did a LOT more for your M and your family than most ever even come close to!! You are an absolutely amazing woman!! I honestly can't say that enough!!
I will try to e-mail or call in the next couple days before I head down toward CA. I would really like to meet you. If not on the way down, maybe on the way back. Or maybe sandycay and I can come down on a weekend or something.
Hang in there!!!!!
[[[[[[[[[[SUPER HUGS]]]]]]]]]]
Dear ((((Glam)))),
I can so relate with your pain and I'm so sorry!
It is too early for me to get really better, but I can tell you that after a few days only I already can feel a little bit of relief. No more analizing, assuming and agonizing over H's actions or lack thereof.
Here is something I found very useful, just wanted to share it with you:
"Just for today I will try to live through this day only and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, “Most folks are happy as they make their minds up to be.”
Just for today I will adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself into it.
Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways. I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out. I will do something I don’t want to do—just for exercise. I will be honest about my feelings and take ownership of my needs. I will work to find ways to take care of myself.
Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress nicely, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with others, and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.
Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests—hurry and indecision.
Just for today I will have a quiet half-hour all by myself and relax. Sometime during this half-hour I will try to get a better perspective of my life.
Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful."
—Author Unknown
((((Hugs))))
glam, sending you (((glam)))
SC thanks for that wonderful post. I would love to meet you too, so keep me posted as to when you are passing through.
Stella I am so sorry for both of our pain. Life just doesn't seem fair, but maybe we can be content in knowing that we are not alone. Thanks for that inspirational post. So I did dress myself up today and spent some me time just on me!
Thanks Peace and TOH for stopping by.
We really don't know what is in our futures, but I do know that for now I must move on ahead. You are right Snodderly and SC in that my h could run along and want to catch up. Right now I don't see that happening, nor do I want to have false hope. I am putting one foot in front of the other and moving on the best that I can. Not even sure what that means at the moment.
Unfortunately I am a romantic. I always wanted my h to be the knight in shining armour to come swooping in and solve all of our problems and tell me how much he loves me and that he wants to be with me forever, but more than saying it I wanted my h to show it to me. Well, as you all know I am still waiting. It will all be ok though. This is not what I wanted for my m, nor for my kids lives, but it's the card I am holding at the moment.
I did go to the gym and workout today. That made me feel good. I am also trying to eat really healthy. I am really trying to up my cardio.
Haven't heard from h today, even though he said see you on Tuesday. I see that I missed a call from him last night. Oh well, trying not to concern myself with what he is doing.
I don't really understand WHY my h can't just come forward and tell the truth. The part he doesn't realize is that the lies do much more damage than the truth. At least when there is honesty then you have something to work and build off of, with lies you have nothing. I guess I should thank God for my own honesty. It's really easy for me to face others and just be truthful. I know that is what I would expect from them and would want to recipricate that respect.
GG
I dont know why they have to lie
I think they dont think we will understand or accept them and their choices
they want things status quo and many of us might not allow for a freindship if we know the truth
seems you amde this decision fast,you may be cycling
or may be donr
seems like some of us here are reaching the point
I feel don as well
hope it is real thi stime
I dont want to go back to waiting
I did all I could
peace
Hi glam-
I understand about the lying...I have had major trust issues since my first H lied through his teeth constantly. I guess some people can temporarily turn off their conscious and some just people never had one to begin with. For some reason we can't figure out, your H has turned his off and you got to the point where you just can't use the "I haven't been where he is" anymore to justify such behavior. The time may be right for you to move forward without your H...he may catch up or he may not but it shouldn't be your concern right now because you need to get yourself in a better place. I can sense by your posts that you have become increasingly unhapppy. The lying was just the icing on the cake.
Keep going to the gym and finding things to do for you. Dig down and find your PMA...you can really use it now. I am sure if you can do that, very soon there will be some much brighter days.
(((HUGS))) (((HUGS))) (((HUGS)))
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[HUGS]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Just some drive by hugs, Glam!!!!
Hang in there, sweetie!!!!!!
Could it really get any worse?
H stops over around 3pm and rings the doorbell. I guess that's a first. We didn't hear it and he comes upstairs and says didn't you hear the doorbell. We say no. I guess that was his attempt to know I am serious.
He says hello and asks what movies we have to watch. I let him know we have the Dark Knight. He says do you want to watch a movie with me. I say sure. We start the movie and h says how long are you going to be mad at me. I say h I am not mad at you. He says liar.
Now he does a little bit of butt grabbing, like that is going to make it all worth it. I did ask him again what he does early am, he wouldn't say. Said he didn't come over to get harrassed. Says he didn't ask me to empty his trash.
I mention h are you seeing someone, he says should I be. I say that's not my question. He says no, should I be. I say of course not. Then he asks do we have C on Wed? I say it's Thur are you going. He says do you want me to go? I say do you want to go? He says yes, well then we will go thur then.
By this time my back starts hurting, so I run downstairs to take some ADVIL. Ok not wise of me. I take 4 on a empty stomach. Within about an hour I am throwing up for the next 3 hours. My back is killing me, I am throwing up, and h is less than accommodating.
I say h can you fix dinner for the kids. Now I have it mostly fixed already. All he needs is to make rice, serve them and clean up. He says I am sleeping. I say I am throwing up, when you wake up can you fix dinner. Kids are all starving, asking for food.
So h gets up and fixes dinner. He also gets the kids ready for bed. He mumbles a few things to me, like I don't understand why you took 4 ADVIL on an empty stomach. Well h I was in such pain and wanted that to stop and then I just made it worse.
I try heat and ice on my back. Back rubs, stretches, lying on the floor. Nothing worked. H says what time do you want me over on Wed. I say what time do you want to come over he says around 11am. I say ok.
Before he left he says Glam maybe you are pg. I say h never thought of that. I say what if I am h? He says then we will have another baby. Now it's that time of the month, so I know that is not the case.
Peace I wonder too if major hormones had a role in how I am feeling. Now that I am older it seems like every month I am sucked deep into sadness etc. Well that started on Sunday and this is how my week has been going. Coincidence, who knows.
This is not how I wanted to spend my vacation. I hardly slept at all last night. I was up every hour with back pain. So when I get up I take d5 to daycare and go in for an adjustment to the Chiropracter. Oh that was a life saver. He snapped a few things into place.
My back feels much better, but my stomach still feels a bit queesy. I was afraid to eat anything plus not much of an appetite except for donuts. Not at all what I normally eat, but I had a Sprite and a cake donut for breakfast. The Sprite helped so much for my stomach. I never drink soda, but today I needed one.
H should be here shortly. I am not going to ask him a thing. Not sure what C will bring us, but will let h start and see what direction it goes.
Well I try to reach h around 1pm since he said he was coming at 11am. Knew that was too good to be true. I asked when he was coming and that I was about to go out and grab lunch and asked if I should wait.
He text back and says just woke up and will be over after 3pm. I just said ok. Someone from his work has been calling to pick up some boxes that are not here, I hope she doesn't just decide to show up. I just won't answer the door.
What a mess! My stomach feels a little better. My back is sore, but not in pain. I think I can sleep tonight. Yeah!
Glad you are feeling better.
I am a little confused about your situation.
Are you still standing or are you done?
Glam,
It sounds like you may have the "ugly bug" that's going around. The only thing I could eat was burned toast, ginger ale and hot tea for 4 days. How does the skin feel? Feel like it's been scorched? I know you mentioned your back hurting...try to rest as much as you can. I know you have the kids, etc. Be kind to yourself.
As for your h, don't expect anything out of him. If he says he's going to be there at 1...look for him at 4 or not. Time still doesn't mean anything to him and that sleeping pattern of his is nuts.
I'm sorry, but I had to chuckle at his conversation w/you about dating, etc. He's playing games with you and is fishing to see what you found in his car. He's testing the waters to see just what you'll say or do. Glam, I know you would dearly love to bust his chops on this right now, but sit quietly....the answers will come.
For now, go to your meeting on Thursday and take care of yourself. Turn all of this drama over to the man upstairs. He wants and needs to drive that bus for you for a while.
Please take care of yourself.
BND I confuse myself. I do believe that I am very hormonal this week. Not sure if I am done or still standing.
I am going to take Snodderly's advice and go to C tomorrow and try my best to sit quietly. I am also seriously going to try to step back from h's drama. Snodderly you are so right, that if h says 1pm expect that to be 3 or 4 hours later or not at all, then I won't be dissappointed.
His sleeping is erratic. He did say today to look up side affects of his meds to see if it includes sleeping. I said maybe it's depression in general.
H left early today. Said he will be over at 10am on Thurs. Should I expect him at 4pm?
H was rather quiet today. Said he felt like going right back to sleep once he was up. No kids in the am, so h said we should enjoy a movie together on Thurs.
GG
I agree--just take care of yourself
I heard that primrose oil is good to balance hormones and Yoga
as far as your H goes..maybe dont make any decisions right now
as snodderly said give it to God
peace
Well it's Thur and I got a v-mail from h last night. He starts out and says hi babe. When he is loving he uses babe, darling etc. I noticed the last few days he has been using those words.
He said he forgot he had to meet up with his co-worker at 2pm today, so he won't be over until later in the day. We have C at 5pm.
It's ok, I will have me time today, since s5 is in daycare and s7 stayed overnight at s20's.
I will look into primrose. I do feel the raging hormones each month. Not trying to make up excuses, but for the past 2 months I have noticed I am way off balance. Obviously h has noticed too. I don't remember what the issue was last month with h, but when I said it's that time of the month he says ok that makes sense now and here we go again one month later.
I am just feeling very erratic mood swings, not like I have ever felt before. Not making this up, but this past sunday I was just so down and sad that is how my day started before h even arrived. Now today I feel fine. Now I will be 48 next month, so it wouldn't be uncommon that hormones could be wrecking havoc on my system.
I bumped into an old neighbor on sunday and I think she is one year older than me and she said that her hormones are way off balance and that she just feels so sad all the time and just feels like crying. Wow, that was me on Sunday.
H said on his v-mail that we could watch a movie on Friday, since he will be over by 11am that day. I have a chiropracter appt that day and need h to watch the kids.
I am a bit nervous about C today. Not sure how that will go. I am sure h will bring up my erratic behavior (h's opinion) and hormones. Oh well, C will get an ear full today. I will listen and offer thoughts where needed.