My H left in late November and was coming home on the weekends.
He says he has been unhappy for the last 2 years.
Me and many of our close friends think he is having a mid life crisis at 34. (I am 33) When I read the chapter in Micheles book about Surviving His Mid Life Crisis, I cried. She nailed it on the head when it comes to our relationship. He even said I love you but I am not in love with you. Yuck.
My old boss and H is current boss said he believes this is not about me, but I am getting blamed. Boss believes H has it in his head that at 34 he would have X amount of stuff with X amount in the bank, X amount in the 401Ks and we dont. Boss believes H will snap out of it, its just a matter of when.
He is exercising now, a lot. Hes got his three different colognes, depending on the event. (R u kidding?) We had to get him an Acura.
Alright, here is the time line: I was pregnant in September and miscarried. He was wonderful, very supportive. We were trying to buy a new house at the same time. These are actions and events that would lead me to believe we were happy and in a good place. We decided not to buy the new house and the same day in early November he told me he doesnt want to have any more children. I was UPSET to put it very very mildly. A few days later he said he wants to take a break. A week later we are separated. Then he started staying with his friend during the week and sleeping at home on the weekends. We were intimate during those weekends. And he came home every day to see our almost three year old son.
Early December we have a conversation about how he now feels like he wants to maybe date other people. So I actually agree to let him because he says he thinks the chances of us getting back together are decent but he just needed to check things out. I wanted to save our marriage so I actually agreed to this crap.
I asked him if he had met someone and he said no. I believed him. At the time, I had no idea he was having an emotional affair with a co-worker, 23, gorgeous. She had absolutely no interest in him but was having problems with her older boyfriend and turned to my H for advice.
The first time he said it was 100% over was the first week in January. That following weekend, he started staying at his friends house full time. This is the same time the OWs boyfriend dumped her.
OWs never ever hung out with H outside of work, but they would talk for HOURS on the phone.
In the last few days she had told him to NEVER speak to her again because its come to her attention people at work are calling her a home wrecker and no one respects my H anymore. They see it as cheating on me. He completely disagrees and says we are not married, havent been in months.
In recent days we have gotten along great. I have been using tactics from Divorce Remedy. Also had some BLOW OUTs I did have back slides unfortunately. The most recent blow out was Wednesday morning where I told him he did cheat on me and took advantage of me. He disagrees.
I was hopeful we could make it because this whole time, he has come home every day. He still uses the house as his own even when I am there. Cooks dinner for us, laundry, all of his clothes and all of his stuff are still there if he wanted out so bad, why does he still see me everyday? He even hangs out with me a lot, meals out, dinner at friends houses, at our house, grocery shopping, etc. He invites me to do things. So I was hopeful he was seeing all the changes in me that I have learned and started to apply from the book and plus I am in therapy. I admit I did have a role in creating some weak spots in the marriage. I truly was a nag and was flying off the handle quite a bit there. Ugly but true.
But apparently he has not noticed anything or he just does not care.
In the last week, he has again told me several times its over. Get on with your life, it is over, over, over. He even said if it were not for the economy we would be divorced by now…..meaning we have debt, yes, but also can not sell the house which also binds us together.
So, not knowing what else to do, I have asked him to move out completely, take all of his clothes and not to come over anymore unless it is his days to see our son. (Monday, Wednesday, every other Thursday and every other weekend.) When he has our son on the weekends, I stay at a friends house. I told him I need to see him much less. But he has yet to move his stuff out. He said he would try, but I have not brought it up again since Wednesday morning. Since then, we have been awesome around each other.
He has often said during this whole time of hell for me that we can be just like Bruce and Demi. I hate it when he says that. I want to be like George and Gracie.
We really can not afford two households so he has been staying with one of his best friends from college which I hate, this same best friend professed to have feelings for me about 5 weeks ago. Creepy. So we are legally married for at least another year.
My son is still asking me when I am going to bring Daddy home because I made the mistake of promising something to my child that I now fear I cannot deliver. I do still love this man. I still desire him. I promised him everything.
The only reason I have not absolutely given up is that I know he still desires me. He says so on a regular basis. I believe he still loves me on some level. I believe he is having a mid-life crisis. I believe I have it in me to ride this out.
I have my first DB Coaching session tonight. I'm at the end of my rope here and hoping for a miracle.
Any advice or stories about miracles related to MLCs?
I would love to hear about them.
M-33
H-34
S-almost 3
Bomb-Mid November 2008
Moved out early December 2008
Oh yes...there are miracles. Check out Brandnewday and JackThreeBeans.
I will tell you this...it takes time. You are pretty new into this. I know this is hard, but you will have to tap into a reserve of strength that you never knew you had. You will have to have patience you did not know existed.
Although I am sorry to see you here under these circumstances, welcome to the board. We have all been where you are, and are dealing with similar to same issues. So post alot, and look for advice. We are good people, and we arent going to coddle you, but will tell you what you can do to make the transition easier, to make life easier, and to give you some peace of mind.
Remember, this could potentially take years, so steel yourself for the long haul...
(((Hugs))))
Lola
I truly was a nag and was flying off the handle quite a bit there. Ugly but true.
First off you are AWESOME!!!!
I already like you. Figuring out what you did wrong.
Stories? Yes.
Miracles? Miracles are like Lazarus, or the water at Canna, or the oil lasting 7 nights. Me and my wife a miracle? Maybe if she pooped out gold...
Hard work pays of here, hard work and patience.
SlM,
Sorry to see you here, but it is an awesome place to get help . In what I read of your situation you are ahead of the curve as far as knowing what you have to do to try and save your marriage and more importantly yourself. Keep posting , people here really want to help. Don't give up, be patient, pray for guidance.
Welcome, sorry your here, but this is a great place to be if you are going through this. It is very tough, it will test you in many ways but you will become a much better person. You will need Patience like never before.
Come here to vent and ask questions. It's not a good idea to talk about this with a lot of other people.
Trapt has a very good point. Others will not understand why you are "standing". We will, because we have chosen to do the same.
Well, I had my Coach Busting session with Jody. Incredible. I'm glad I did it. I have two more session with her coming up and I am really looking forward to it now.
I just found out he's still calling the EA/OW, but not nearly as much. There's been a HUGE drop off. And she hadn't called him since January 21. But she has answered the phone a handful of times, maybe 4 times since then. But she did call him for one minute this morning and he called her back for one minute. Not sure what is going on there. He called me about an hour later. It was of no importance really, just a call.
I feel like he and I won't be able to recover if this girl comes back into his life.
But before that knowledge I was feeling pretty good.
I thought she had stopped calling him. Not much I can do about it either way.
I've been reading some books about relationships and how divorce comes about. Very very insightful.
My in laws were here this past weekend. I stayed at my friend's place because it was my H's weekend with our S, but saw them on Saturday and saw them on Sunday for breakfast. We were going to do brunch but H texted me and said they wanted to do breakfast at our place. So my friend and her husband (very good buddy of H's) and I went over there. It was good. His parents have always been very good to me and nothing has changed.
My friend and her husband were leaving. They were out front and my father in law was going out to the car to put something in it.
Out of no where, friend tells me FIL says "We've got quite the situation here.....but we all need to worry about that little guy in there." Friend's answer was "I pray for them every day." Short conversation even shorter, FIL was thanking them for everything they've done for us. Friend went on to tell him I love H. She's acknowledged what she's done in the marriage to damage it and has been working very hard. She's come a long way, she's done a great job. Friend said FIL didn't speak for about 20 seconds and he's eyes welled up. She said he was getting himself under control. Once he does he says "Well, I can't add anything else to that." Friend went to shake his hand and he pulls her in for a hug.
I've always wondered what his parents know, what he's told them.
FIL said "H asks me what he should do......I tell him he has to make this decision." That's better than "Leave her." We'll see.
Things between us have been very good.
I'm not calling him anymore, unless he calls me. I send him texts if I need to communicate with him, which is really only related to S. I've gotten a life with yoga, tennis and friends and stuff. That's been really great for me.
So, hurry up and wait. And figure out my life and what I want out of it and what I can control.
I just really need this EA/OW to end completely. I think that would go a long way for us.
M-33
H-34
S-almost 3
Bomb-Mid November 2008
Moved out early December 2008
Thank you so much. It's all just such a horrible horrible roller coaster ride. And not knowing so much and having way too many questions......it starts to take a toll. I'm glad I found this book and this site.
Yeah, I truly hate the reason why I've "met" all of you too. But I'm glad I have.
I would love to hear brandnewday and jack_three_beans stories....I tried to find them but I'm new to this. I'm assuming they made it????? Then I REALLY want to read their stories.
I just really need this EA/OW to end completely. I think that would go a long way for us.
...yeah.
Look. you attack her, you're the bad guy, you push this and he goes to her. You do anything other than let it end between them on their own and you screw up your chances.
By the way, that affair ending doesn't make life all a bed of roses, don't delude yourself into thinking that.
Everyone here has wisdom to impart.
To the newbie, you, the ones who have a marriage are the success stories. To the person who has been here a few months, the people who manage to work on themselves and become better people are the success stories.
Not everyone who is successful is still married. But most are better people, most KNOW what not to do in a relationship and know what to do to make a relationship better.
What BND did, or I did or Yellow Rose, Umbrella, 25Years, did for that matter is NOT a step by step blueprint for what works. We all found our own way being successful as people, a better man and father in my case. It just happened that my wife noticed.
And then the hard work really began.
You want the happy ending, you over coming your faults and killing them, is the happy ending.
Thank you so much. It's all just such a horrible horrible roller coaster ride. And not knowing so much and having way too many questions......it starts to take a toll. I'm glad I found this book and this site.
Hello SLH,
I'm sorry your here but there is no better place.
Yes not knowing will drive you nuts if you let it.
Easier said then done try not to show it around him.
Work on you..DB and PMA and keep up with your GLA too!
Good job in that area!!
If your religious then pray to God..if your not give it a shot anyways it wont hurt.
Hang in there SLH!
Hi
for some reason, I can't get to your posting of your story. But the good thing is that I know you made it, and that's really the important thing here. It gives me hope beyond words.
Thanks for the pep talk.....keep 'em coming please.
--SLH
I absolutely understand. It was just a breath of fresh air to "hear" and know other's have fought and made it through with their spouses. I've already seen improvements in me. I'm not really someone you would describe as having lots and lots of patience. I thought motherhood had taught me a lot about that, but this, this is an even better teacher....a tougher teacher, if you will.
Basically I'm just going to stay the course here and practice what my DB Coach gave me to work on and keep up with my LRT.
I recently found out some good news....my father in law wants to see us make it. I was pretty sure he did, but now I know.
And I killed my "social, networking" web site because it was just getting weird for me because the H and the now ex-OW/EA are both on there. I hated to see them posting on each other's pages....nothing seedy all very innocent and platonic, but I still hated it. So I stopped looking. But my girlfriend who hs been rock in all of this was on the web site and told me the ex-OW/EA has pictures of her new boyfriend plastered all over her page. She now has a new boyfriend!!!
Is it weird that I sort of feel bad that my H may hurt feelings?
Such a roller coaster this has been.
oy vey
Thank you thank you thank you.
This web site has been wonderful to me with all of the new friends I've "met" here.
Alright everyone, here's my update. My GAL efforts have been going wonderfully. No matter what happens I will continue to do the things I've started, yoga, tennis, more time with girlfriends, etc. I have no idea what the impact is on him, but it's been great for me.
February 1, H and I were texting back and forth. He wrote "We are not married, haven't been in months. Moving on with your life is the right thing to do. You are beautiful and some man will be luck to have you. BTW, if it weren't for the economy we would be divorced by now." Nice.
That was the last time he's mention the D word, no more talk of the separation and he's plenty of opportunity.
I know for fact the OW from his EA has dropped him. OW dropped him so hard I actually feel bad for him.....is that crazy or what????
Since Feb. 1, we have seen each other every day, some days spending hours together. We were together for Valentines Day too. I didn't get him anything, he didn't get me anything either.
I bought myself flowers last week. When we first starting dating I told him not to waste his money on flowers. He was texting while we were eating. I said something--Please don't do that while we're eating....who is so important you have to text them right now? He answers back- Did I ask who the flowers came from? I said Me. I bought the flowers. They were pretty they were 10 bucks, I bought them. He sort of smiled and said But you don't like flowers. I said I do now.
Last night, we were at a friends house for dinner. I said something about one of friends not being the handiest guy, but he's a great cook. H says to me Just think, you HAD a handy man and cook for 5 years. The HAD really jabbed my heart. It sent me into a crappy mood. Later as I was helping to clear the table he says to me What night did I sleep like crap? I answered How would I know, you don't sleep with me anymore? What's worse, I knew the answer to the question--Thursday.
Later as we were packing up to leave, (with a two year old you have to pack up to go anywhere) he poked me in the belly and said Why the attitude? I said I know you want out. I know in your mind and heart we're done. I don't need s***ty reminders. He asked me what I was talking about and I explained the HAD comment. He said I was joking, being jovial. (Yes he actually used the word jovial) I said There is no way to JOVIALLY say your marriage is over. He said Stop, I was just joking. I said Ok, let's pack up here. If you want your divorce we can work it out, we can work out the finances. Again he told me to stop.
We drove separately. He beat me home because I took the scenic route. When I got there, he gave me a big hug, a long hug and said I don't want things to be weird between us. We had a great weekend and things are going well. I don't want weirdness. I'm sorry, I was just joking.... I said Thank you, you're right, I'm sorry too. He adds It's been a weird weekend. I asked Because of me? He said No, you've been great. And I left it at that. He gave our S a big hug and went to his friends house.
What do I make of this?
Wow Talk about salt in the wounds.
Seems to me he's pushing buttons. I know its hard but maybe try to ignore crap like that.
See, that's the thing.....He NEVER pushes buttons. There are somethings that never change, he has never wanted to fight. He loves harmony and things to be peaceful, always has. I do believe him he thought it would be funny and "jovial". He did apologize, but yeah, it was salt in the wound.
And you are right, I have to ignore it, but it's sooooo hard.
Ok. I need more advice. I have just found out the OW from H's EA is calling him again. He says it's because she needs advice, she's considering new career opportunities. He says they also talk about her new boyfriend, her ex-boyfriend who's calling her again, etc. I have asked him to stop talking about our personal life with her, he agreed.
Last night, after we had a very very very small disagreement about "why is she calling you again?" We talked about some other things-related to our relationship. I know we aren't supposed to talk about the relationship and I'm in the LRT mode and acting on direct advice from DB Coach, but I did get somethings off my chest and I think he did too. At the end of the conversation, as he was going to his friends house (where he's staying now) he said after the wonderful weekend we had, he saw glimpses of the "girl I married and I realize how much I miss her". I wanted to cry and jump for joy. He said after the Valentine's weekend he thought we had a shot.....granted a VERY VERY SMALL TINY one, but still a shot. "But now after this conversation....no way."
I asked Why do we not have a shot after this conversation?
He said "You do things that scare me."
"Like what????"
"When you contact OW, it makes things weird....just stay out of it. Let me handle that situation the way I need to handle it."
I said "For the record, she calls me more than you want to believe. I don't answer when she calls, I don't text back. As you asked me to, I've done, so maybe you need to talk to her."
He agreed.
(She asked him for my number weeks ago to "apologize" to me because she didn't know I wanted to save our marriage and to let me know they are just friends.....whatever).
My gut says, he's lying about being 100% done. I think/hope he has noticed the changes and wants to see what happens. My very good girlfriend agress and said he's not going to come back until he knows the "crazy b***h" isn't going to make a return. (And I will admit, that girl could be pretty nutz.)(But not that he wasn't wrong too sometimes.....)
So I guess I'm still on the road to GAL and LRT....???? Advice anyone???? I know there are going to have to be no more conversations or even mentions about OW, which I think/hope that situation is dying a slow death anyways. I also know I have to avoid the relationship talks for a very very long time now.
Any more words of wisdom DB Buddies?
Your gut instinct is probably correct about the ow, but the more you bring her up the farther and faster he will run. Don't take anymore of her calls, and don't mention her anymore.
I've been right where you are as far as "yes we have a shot." then ten minutes later. "Not a snowballs chance in hell." He will continue to play you like a yo yo with this if you allow him to.
He doesn't know which end is up right now. Take everything he says with a grain of salt. Every time he tells you something like this, just think to yourself blah blah blah. It changes like the wind.
Keep busy, change the subject, do whatever it takes to avoid these conversations. When he sees you getting too close or getting your expectations up he will slam the door on ya. All a part of their twisted mentality.
Focus on you, do things for you and most importantly look out for you.
Yeah advice...
LRT...
I think the DB coaches are amzing, but to tell you to LRT...
Last Resort Technique.
It is too soon and you are not capbale or ready for it, and if you are neither capable or ready for LRT then...it is like an unloaded weapon...an empty threat.
LRT means you can and are able to walk away from your spouse if they are unwilling to come back and live by your boundaries.
Can you do that?
No. Not yet.
Hi,
I don't have my own thread anymore, sort of decided it does me no real good to analyze everything and anything my H says or does. I have been exactly where you are with so many things that I just wanted to say welcome and know that you have a support system here.
First, read about MLC. Really really read about it. The resource threads are wonderful and will help you gauge yourself and H.
Next, the "survival" stories, it is wonderful to hear that some people have restored their M but yes, it is because of the work they have done on themselves and believe it or not, the work the spouses did during the situation that has gotten them there. I believe it is Yellowrose whose H's MLC actually lasted 7 years. The best thing she did was to know in herself that she would be ok whether H came home or not. And as 3Beans said, not all of the survival stories remain married. That is the biggest thing you have to accept so that you can really begin this journey. You are not doing this to save your marriage. You are doing this to save you and if your marriage survives, that is a wonderful thing.
I too agree you are not ready for LRT. Not yet. Right now you should probably strive for loving detatchment. If there is OW, who cares? I know you do but you can't. And just because this one is around or gone, does not mean there is not another until your H decides that he is over that.
Funny thing about them not being as done as they say. Many go through that. My H and I agreed on living arrangements, that is was done, etc... and then two day later it was we have had such a nice couple of days it made me think maybe--coming from him. Then a week later, I was again the most horrible person in the world. So just go with it and try not to put too much stock into the words right now. The good ones and the hurtful ones.
Believe it or not a few things will happen to you while you are going through this. You will feel better about yourself. You won't care if there is another person or not. You won't be so bothered by things they do or don't do eventually. And the point will come, probably as H starts to turn a little, where you will honestly and truly ask yourself if the M is what you want for you. Is this person really good for you and what you want out of your life. And when the time is right for you, you will know the answers to all of it as well. It is not a quick process. There is lots of good advice and support here. Use this place to vent, to wonder, to analyze for a while. Take the time to think about what others are telling you, what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do, and go from there.
I am sort of floating along in my journey, pretty sure my H will not turn around anytime soon, but I am really good and looking forward to whatever my future will bring. That is what this place has done for me. I hope you make as many wonderful friends as I have and you use this as a growing time for yourself.
Thank you DB Buddies.
But I made a decision. I moved out. Last night was my last night in our marital home. And oddly enough, these last two nights were probably the best he and I have had since this all started. We were comfortable. There was affection from both sides and not forced. We talked a lot about absolutely nothing, our opinions about shows we watch, his last minute decision to got to college in a different town than home, etc. We played with our son....it was wonderful.
He did try to stop me from moving. But these last two days, he mentioned it once and it was to ask if I was sure. I said I was.
At this point, I do NOT want my marriage to end. I love him deeply. He's the father of my child and I still believe he is my soul mate.
But this is how I see it: I have moved out. He has moved back into the house, by himself, with our dog. One of two things will happen, probably not over night, but eventually:
He will love his life without us. (Me and S)
or
He will hate it.
Either way, I'll have an answer.
So Jack, am I ready for the possible end? I don't think I will ever be, but that's not a good reason to live my life in limbo for as long as possible.
No the reason you live your life in limbo as long as possible is because you want to be married, it means something to you, unless marriage is disposable to you. Ahhhh f- it, it got hard...next! Don't think that is you.
How long were you "in limbo"?
It sucks.
My H has told me and many many others his worst fear is being alone. I didn't leave because I want to punish him. I even thought about the fact that instead of missing me he'd go and find someone else.
I did this because I need some stinking rehab and being in our marital house without him just freakin' blew.
These last three nights with him there were wonderful. Granted, we slept in different rooms, but it was still comfortable, like we used to be.
I'm not afraid of hard and difficult roads but it sure as hell makes it easier if you know what the prize is at the end of the road and no one, not even him I think, can tell me what is at the end of this one.
Bomb 11-14-09
Confirmed EA 12-05-08
Left 12-12-08
stillloveshim
Member
Registered: 01/30/09
Today is 02/20/09
Alot [censored] longer than that.
It's odd. I have no idea what you look like, what you sound like, where you live, etc.....but I'm going to trust your advice.
So I've moved out. Tonight will be my first night staying with our friends. (Me and wife are great friends, my H and her H are even better friends.)
I was hoping I would be with at my friend's place for 4 to 8 weeks and something would happen that would take me back home again, WITHOUT him leaving. And not necessarily a full reconcilation, but maybe a decision to see where things could go.
What do you suggest-advise, etc?
I was hoping I would be with at my friend's place for 4 to 8 weeks and something would happen
Well...that hope right there...is going to hurt you.
4-8 weeks seems like along time, but sorry to say it isn't. Sorry to say it seems like you are hoping for a magic fix, and those don't exist.
Advice, yeah don't say [censored] to your firends about him and you. Don't look for sympathy from them, it makes it harder for your H to come back if everyone knows the crappy things he did. In the end it is hard enough for him to get over guilt in dealing with you, you add all his friends and family to the mix, and you just helped him make up his mind NOT to come back to you.
Advice, find a woman around here that you can relate with, because frankly...you don't want me giving you advice, I don't do well with women. Mars Venus...
This is going to suck.
Don't bet on it. Protect your heart against that not being true.
Last bit of advice, if you cannot forgive him when this is over, quit now.
I actually haven't been running my mouth. I have one friend that I confide in and my aunt. My mother would kill him and that's not good for anyone. His parents don't know the whole story either.
He's the one telling people we are separated, getting divorced, etc. But I do understand all of that mouth running has come to a stop lately. And there's still plenty of people he could tell
I know she is still calling him. I know they still text, but I also know she has her new boyfriend plastered all over her social website page. But no, there is still contact.
This is going to suck.
But I would still like to get your perspective on my sitch.
Do you have anyone here you would recommend I reach out to?
It's odd. I have no idea what you look like, what you sound like, where you live, etc.....but I'm going to trust your advice.
I know what he looks like
.
Don't let his abrassiveness fool you. He is a gigantic teddy bear.
I would listen to him. This is a very long bumpy ride.
You really don't want my perspective.
Cinders is great. Amy C is great but will beat you around the head if you are stupid. Brand New Day and Yellow Rose are those 'success' stories you newbies think are the 'success' stories you come here looking for. Even though they are but not because they are still married. Lola is inspirational T2 is great even if she is a little down right now there are a ton of women here who are amazing, and as a guy, I think I just offended each one I failed to mention.
Terese is a great example of not giving up. 25 years has wonderful insight and again one of the 'successes'
You get people to post to you by posting to them and building a rapport, support group and friendship with them.
I am going to second what Jack said about not saying anything to your friends. It can come back to haunt you. This is where counselors are nice if you have insurance (or not) You can go to one of them and tell them your worst nightmares and know that your spousse will never hear it.
I will reach out to them. I just need to scream one moment and then I'm so happy and filled with hope the next.
I read something about "backlash" here and meant to ask my DB coach about it but I forgot. Basically, you have a great day, night, moment or whatever with your spouse and then the next day they're jerky to you.....anyone else enjoying this? Any insight?
: )
You will get more responses if you talk/post to others.
That right there 'backlash' one of the better signs of MLC, which while sucks, is far better than having a spouse that is done with you, fully and completely.
Here is the deal.
I wasn't joking about posting to other people to get a support group and friends going. You really should do that. Not doing that sort of tells me you don't think you need to work at this, that people should cater to you, which means...on some level you feel this way about your husband.
Work on changing yourself, find the things you simply do not like about yourself, and work to making yourself better by getting rid of those things. More often than not, those things you do not like about yourself...neither does your husband. You don't change for him, you change for you and doing that, the changes stick and aren't a trick to get him back. He will notice, but not if you point the changes out to him.
Thats the name of the game.
They suck you in and spit you back out and when you react negatively to this in any way shape or form it feeds the monster. Don't do it, act as if your happy.
They also become experts at sensing your emotions, probably due to the fact that is all they are operating on.
So Jack Three Beans says you are someone I should reach out to you for help and anything else you can give me to help me keep my sanity.
Help please.
: ) fair enough...Still.
Check out other peoples threads too, learn what they are going through and see the similarities, post to them support and ideas.
trapt is good guy, he is a guy though, sooo we can be stupid. Although he does have a good head on his shoulders.
There are plenty of wonderful people here willing to help. He is right. You should start posting to others. I will be glad to offer any advice, I am right smack in the middle of it too, but you should try to find and develop a good relationship with some of the females on the board, he named some great ones.
yes we can be stupid.....sometimes
Here is a link to the mlc resources. You can learn an awful lot by starting here, Also, you need to become firmilar with this search engine here on the board. Search the mlc archives, there is a ton of great info. from the past.
It doesn't seem natural, but there are some valuable sometimes extremely difficult lessons to learn about yourself while you navagate your way through this storm. This HAS to be about you and your son right now. Keep your focus on that. It is very easy to get spun out obsessing about our spouses craziness. You need to also keep an eye on your finances as well. Not to put anymore on your plate, but it is important to protect yourself.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436
It is very difficult.
I actually had our cell phone bills separated so I couldn't see anything anymore. I did this after the phone bill was almost TRIPLE what it should have been. The fight over that one was UGLY to put it very mildly.
But making my S the focus is easy, making my S AND me is difficult because I do spend way too much time thinking "What the hell is he thinking?"
"What the hell is he thinking?"
What the hell indeed.
Wasting your time with that. Time better spent working on you.
I do spend way too much time thinking "What the hell is he thinking?"
It's pointless, trying to make sense of irrational behavior, it's impossible. Depression is the driving force behind all of this. Read, read, read. Follow snodderly's posts she is spot on with her advice.
This takes TIME.... lots of it, for you and him.
You have to take care of yourself. This will test your patience like never before. It will also make you a much better person if you allow it to.
Read and ask questions.
If you want to save your marriage read, Love must be tough, by Dobson and kick him to the curb now.
If you want to save your marriage read, Love must be tough, by Dobson and kick him to the curb now.
That statement seems to imply that you feel that following the concepts in that book is the magic bullet to saving her M.
If it is truly mlc then it is a process, one which needs to run it's course. Who knows laying out an ultimatum right near the beginning may serve to snap him out for a bit, but I doubt it. He will most likely rebel like the emotional teenagers they are.
Two things regarding ultimatums or all or nothing efforts. If you travel that path you better be damn sure you have a game plan in place if he rebels, responds negatively and things go further south and by game plan I mean housing, finances, etc.
The other is that an ultimatum is useless unless you are prepared to go all or nothing and NOT back down no matter what. The moment you show any weakness, bend in anyway, or give in. You will loose a huge amount of respect.
I don't feel you are prepared for that.
Love Must Be Tough by Dobson is a good book to read, but you cannot utilize a lot of the techniques w/someone in mlc. This book is for those who have spouses that are having affairs that are normal, rational people. Your spouse is not normal in many respects...when depression of this magnitude hits, Dobson's book will only make him/her choose the easiest solution to the problem...divorce.
You cannot get into his head. It's a mess. If he can't get himself together, how do you think you can figure him out? Analyzing and over analyzing will get you no where but nuts. Step back, allow him to swing in the wind. You will need to find a way to keep the focus on you. It's very important that you take care of yourself during this time. It's a long process and it will stress your immune system to the max if you aren't careful. Take up some hobbies, clean your house top to bottom, join a club, but whatever you do, do it for you, not him.
My advice....read, read and read. Start reading the current threads and posting. By staying here on your thread, people will not post as they would if you became a "family" member of the group. The more your interact w/others, the more people are apt to post and come visit w/you here.
I'm so sick of seeing people stepped on, disrespected and emotionally abused in the name of saving their marriage only to be abandoned anyway.
But perhaps this is my own issue. Obviously, you'll follow whatever advice you will.
Whitelight,
You sound very frustrated today. What's going on?
Hi Snodderly,
I am frustrated that so many good people on these boards are just treated so poorly. My heart continually goes out to them and I pray for them all the time. I've just read so many threads on here where the person does everything to save their marriage and the other person just takes advantage of it, uses and lies to them and then abandons them. Over in piecing it's even worse, a few years later it happens again etc. etc. I don't like seeing people disrespected and treated poorly.
I know this is a marriage saving board. I'm just wondering if a bit less of putting up with stuff, more boundaries and self respect would win in the long run instead. Who knows.
I wonder if it happens again a few years later because people allow themselves to become complacent, resume bad realtionship habits and get stuck right back here. All the time wondering, "What happened?"
I personally refuse to allow myself to backslide in that direction.
WL, It's interesting you say this:
I know this is a marriage saving board. I'm just wondering if a bit less of putting up with stuff, more boundaries and self respect would win in the long run instead. Who knows.
As most people on the boards know, I have one of the nastiest MLCers. In the beginning I would put up with so much crap from my H in hopes of saving my marriage but no matter what he just kept treating me bad. There came a point where I said enough is enough and I took a stand for myself. There was/is only so much I can put up with. I have learned to choose my battles wisely. I learned that in order for someone to respect me I had to respect myself first. I learned to live for me, not for him. I learned which boundaries where necessary for me to set in order for me to live in somewhat peace. He tries constantly to break those boundaries and sometimes he suceeds.
I do agree with you, I do think their are many people that are willing to put up with any behavior as long as they save their marriage. I am not mocking them, that is their personal choice as it is my personal choice to save myself first.
So even though I came to a marriage saving board and did not achieve my original goal, what I take away from these boards is much more valuable.
Thank you all.
It's a roller coaster for sure.
And you're right, JTB and Trapt, I'm not ready for all of the possible outcomes of an ultimatum. So I just can't take that route now.
What's more, in the last three weeks or so, maybe longer, but not much, we have started to see progress. So an ultimatum would be the ultimate backslide I think.
I'm really struggling here to be his friend, let him know the bridges home have not been burned and trying to put him in a position to come home AND save face. This is the advice/homework from my DB coach. (I talk to her again on Wednesday this week. Very excited.)
I know the dumb OW from the EZ is still calling him on occassion. But I do believe she calls him for advice and guidance at work. It makes me crazy and I have to let it go.
He was very weird this weekend. Very affectionate and the big kicker here, are you ready: This past weekend, the first weekend for me all moved out, we have had the best talks since all of this started. He told me some things that upset him during the marriage and was very specific. That is the first time he's said anything I could work with.
Let me take you back.......We were fighting once. I called him Father of the Year. I watched him when I said it and I watched him have a physical reaction to it--and not a good one. I knew that was something that I should not have said even before I said it, but I was just so pissed. This weekend he brought that up and how much it hurt him. I explained to him how hard it was to be alone so much on the weekends and I was lonely. And hence the bitching, then he'd stay away more, so more bitching from me and more time away for him, and so on and so on and so on and here we are. Ta-dah.
He also said "There was just no affection from you.....at all. Even during sex sometimes, there was no affection. How is that possible if two people love each other?"
Last night he came to dinner at where I'm staying (H and my friends H are very good buddies so it's very comfortable). He was leaving and he gave me a big hug and A KISS ON THE LIPS and said "Are you ok?" I said yes and asked him the same thing. He said "Oddly, yes I am......(big hugs between us) (he kisses me)He says "We're going to figure this out.....we're going to be fine." I should have asked what that meant because he said it earlier in the day too, but I can't push him just yet.
Any insight? Is this a stage? If so, what do I do?
I just need strength. And lots of it.
I will agree that the GAL part of all of this has been pretty great for me and my mental state. I haven't had self esteem issues during all of this, but I did get lost in the Mommy stuff and never really recovered until recently. It's a great feeling and yes, no matter what, that will continue for me.
whitelight,
I understand....but each person has to get to the point of seeing the light and understand that being a doormat will not bring their spouse home, nor will the spouse have any respect for them when they are door mats.
Each person will figure this out. Some of the spouses return too soon and that's why they are back out there on the street in short order. Others return, but play the field while have the best of both worlds...now they are the ones that I really worry about.
Setting boundaries, having more self respect and learning to do for oneself are some of the key elements to winning the "whole self" back. Posters will learn that no matter what happens, they will be okay. We all have traveled this road and are very scared, hurt and will do almost anything to get the spouse back at first. However, as we continue to travel the road to Oz, we learn that we need to take back control over our lives, the self respect will reappear, etc. and life will be better for us. Whether the spouse comes back or not...that's our decision if we want them back.
We have to be patient w/the posters and allow them to walk the same path we did. There are many lessons for each hiker to learn along the way. We have to be here to help them up when they fall. We can't give them the shortcut because they need to learn, just as we did.
Hey,
Amy posted back to you on her thread. I do have to agree with her when it comes to moving out of the house. I don't know your entire living sitch., but hey, he has the problem make him do the work.
Plus it has it's advantages legally, God forbid it would come to that.
Hi Snodderly,
I am frustrated that so many good people on these boards are just treated so poorly. My heart continually goes out to them and I pray for them all the time. I've just read so many threads on here where the person does everything to save their marriage and the other person just takes advantage of it, uses and lies to them and then abandons them. Over in piecing it's even worse, a few years later it happens again etc. etc. I don't like seeing people disrespected and treated poorly.
I know this is a marriage saving board. I'm just wondering if a bit less of putting up with stuff, more boundaries and self respect would win in the long run instead. Who knows.
Overall, I agree with whitelight.
Which is why I would emphasize a person dealing with themselves from day one here, instead of focusing on the one thing they CAN NOT change and that is their spouse. If newcomers could grasp that and deal honestly with themselves and their own personal failures/shortcomings and GAL, it would foster self-respect. In that, natural boundaries would soon be drawn and respect quietly demanded or the offender would no longer be welcome to make contact.
That said, MLC is different monster.
If you're going to go through one of those with your spouse you first need to get used to being on the outside of it. You're persona non grada because the one closest to them gets the blame for most of their problems. It is just the nature of the beast. And you can not change their mind, manipulate their position or talk them into seeing "reality". Besides that, who is to say the LBSs version of reality is even true? 9 times out of 10, it is screwed up as well, but you're the one here so you bear the burden to educate yourself and make your choice to stay or go.
If a person who finds themselves here has been here for a long time and they are still allowing themselves to be a victim of emotional abuse they HAVE NOT done the necessary work on themselves. Self-respect and healthy pride do not make a doormat. All that person has done is feign patience and employ strategy. And if that's all you've done, you don't have it in you to make it from MLC-hell to piecing anyway. That is my opinion. In these scenarios we see here, most have become educated enough by these boards and Michelle's tools that there is no excuse for being a victim of a spewing MLCer after a certain amount of time (determined by each person individually). I don't feel for those people as passionately as whitelight does. They have the tools, they are just too lazy to use them or are in denial about their own imperfections and failures within the marriage. MLC is not an excuse that should get the MLCer off on paying the piper however it is also not an excuse for an LBS not to turn the mirror around on themselves, look closely and deal with what they find there.
Hey,
Amy posted back to you on her thread. I do have to agree with her when it comes to moving out of the house. I don't know your entire living sitch., but hey, he has the problem make him do the work.
Plus it has it's advantages legally, God forbid it would come to that.
I definitely stand by that 2X4.
I think it was a foolish, knee-jerk and blantantly strategic move to leave your home and take your child away from the only home he knows in the selfish and slim hope that you could shock your husband into wanting to be with you again. That ain't the way this works and you had enough posts from others here that you could have figured that out. If you want help the first thing you need to learn is that you don't make any big decisions like that without doing NOTHING for 24 hours and running it past the people here first. Even if he were to call you in a week and beg you to come back, you'd just end up here again.
Swallow your pride and go back home.
If he wants a divorce, he leaves and he does the work.
That's the rule.
Hi AmyC and Trapt,
I actually did think about it for a week. I was standing in the house. S and H were at the park. It just made me sad--there looking at our first home, remembering all the good, thinking I seem to be the only one who does. I realized then and there that H was never going to get it if someone didn't kick him in the ass and I figured who better than me? I talked to a few friends, all offered their homes to us.
I came here because my S loves it here and is very comfortable. This house and the couple who live here have been my haven since this started. When I would have a bad day or fight with H or I learned something I didn't want to know, I came here. And these friends I'm living with have done nothing but encourage me to fight for my family. They calm me down and are the voice of reason when I'm ready to do something that will end with me wearing an orange jumpsuit.
I am opened to the idea of going home and really do want to. But for now I just needed the mental break. And I'm getting it.
And I told AmyC, since leaving my home, my H has actually started talking to me and I mean really giving me specifics and examples and real insight into his unhappiness. He even told me Therapy has been really good for you. (But he still refuses to go, so I don't push.)
I didn't come here with a time frame, but honestly, my heart hopes its not for long.
I guess my DB Coach is going to lay into me during our next session on Wednesday, huh?
I have actually slept through the night in this house. I have to believe that is a good thing.
Also, H is just as welcome here as I am, so he can come and see us whenever he wants. And he has been here everydays since I moved.
If it's a crisis it's a long haul. It's just the way it is. Keep learning and keep reading.
I like ya already, you read Amy's posts and your not whining. You seem like a strong person. I'm not trying to be a downer, be cautious and still look out for you right now. They have a tendency to swing from nice to jerks at light speed. Hang in there and keep learning.
Well my DB coach says there are things about him and his actions that are MLC-ish. But she also said he's not 100% an MLCer. So, I can't put him in just one category and attack the divorce from a specific angle.
Here's the latest drama:
I found out he bought his ex-OW a pair of $100 earring for Christmas. (My husband has a very public job, he’s a tv broadcaster and so was I. Some random woman who works at my favorite store for jewelry taps me while I’m waiting for my lunch at a little restaurant and tells me I’m a lucky lady. She works at the store I like and she saw what my husband got me for Christmas….beautiful earrings. What are the freaking chances of finding out that way? I tried to laugh about it later on.) And the problem is: He didn’t give me anything for Christmas. I asked him about it. He said How do you know I didn’t get them for you and never gave them to you? How do you know I wasn’t helping someone else because they couldn’t afford it? What if….how do you know? I told him I was going to let it go. It just caught me off guard, the way I found out and I was very upset, but letting it go. I haven’t brought it up since, but it really upset me and I find myself thinking about it. I asked “Does she have the earrings?” He said no and that “you’re going to feel stupid when this all plays out.”
Honestly, I hope I do.
I hope with this particular incident he can tell I’ve grown and really benefitted from GAL and the therapy. Me about 6 months ago would have had an outrageous fit.
On the bright side, during our "disagreement" yesterday, where there was no yelling on my side, a little bit on his he never said "It doesn't matter because we're done" which was one of his favorites not that long ago. So, I hope that is some progress there.
Now I'm working hard to not mention this again and really let it go. It does hurt quite a bit though. Suggestions?
Suggestions.
This is going to hurt, not to take away any of your unique pain, but it is not unique, what your saying isn't specific just to you, if you find a piece of advice you think is good, give it a real shot, give it a few weeks, more than two to see if it helps, almost nothing is going to work the first time or first day or even first week you try it. But don't give up on an idea until after a few weeks.
I have two questions:
Is there something you have always wanted to do...school, class, or project that you felt you were unable to dobecause there wasn't enough time because you were married with children?
What are your fears? Simple one or two. Snakes, heights, water.
Well that's the thing about this site and after reading DR, I realized there are hundreds upon thousands upon millions who've been here. It was a relief, just to know I am not unique, so believe me, I'm happy to not be special.
I have two questions:
Is there something you have always wanted to do...school, class, or project that you felt you were unable to dobecause there wasn't enough time because you were married with children?
What are your fears? Simple one or two. Snakes, heights, water.
Not anymore. I wanted to take up something out doors. Before H did the walk out the door cha-cha I had started to play tennis. I suck, but I love it. Since the H left, I've joined more leagues because I actually have more me time since the separation. Something didn't occur to him: He would have less time and I would have more. He has S on M-W and every other weekend and every other opposite Thursday. But I will give H credit, he sees S everyday. So now that I have this guaranteed time fore me, I use it. I leave. I do yoga now too. I'm more flexible than I thought. I'm training to run a 5K. My knees sort of hurt but I want to run just one, then I'll quit. I have actually not been going out-out with the girls because it's just really not me anymore, but we do less expensive things at one of our homes, sometimes with the kids, sometimes without. (I'm trying to be frugal. H and I have some debt, which ironically I'm grateful for because its bought me some time.)
Hmmm. Fears.
Being attacked, physically.
S being hungry or attacked, physically.
Drowning or burning to death.
I'm sure there's more that will pop into my head as I'm trying to fall asleep.
OK so your doing the first one.
The second one...
No phobia's. Sorry, less death or permanent scarring type of fears. So Phobia's.
Alright, phobia. Or phobias.
I'm ok with bugs unless they are bigger than my hand.
I'm afraid of the dark sometimes, yes, I'm a big punk. I read a lot of S. King.
Bridges, I hate bridges.
Is that more what you meant?
Yup.
Now what you are going through is one of the worst things you possibly could go through.
Makes being afraid of bridges kindda lame huh?
Overcome your fear, walk across a bridge.
Feel alive on the other side.
No better time to face down your fears than when yyou feel as bad as you do.
Moving this here
Goals are a good start,
What goals are you setting?
Short term ... ?
Long term ... ?
For you ... ?
For your H ... ?
For your family unit ... ?
My goal is to have Jeanette explain exactly what she meant by The big and little end of the stick.
Oh and timing...
What goals are you setting?
Short term ... I am having a harder time with this one....let me think about that. I know I want to learn how to roller blade, does that count? I have some books on my list of things to get to and I mean to entertain myself since I like to read. I'm potty training a small boy. I hope that is very very short term.
Long term ... lots of things here. I would like to improve our financial outlook. So I have started to be more frugal and already I've saved a lot and made some bigger dents in our debt. I would like to take some bigger steps in my career which may include some more schooling. I want to continue to exercise, which I have been slacking on a bit here since I've recently started to sleeping like a normal person, it's difficult to wake up and get to it. I have been doing yoga though once a week--love it and will continue that.
For you ... I want to be able to rely on me to make me happy. I would like to be able to spend a whole weekend alone, not talk to a soul and be content doing "Me things". I used to do that. I loved it. I want to be able to say I'm going to let this go and really do it-really let it go. That is very hard for me right now, but I do think I've gotten much better, but still, a long road ahead of me. I want to keep working on my ability to think before I speak. That's something I've known I needed to work on but ignored it by calling myself witty. I want to be a great mother. I want to be the person my son thinks I am. I want my husband to look at me like he used to. That might be the longest road I have to travel. And I might not get to.
I need to keep asking myself "Is this going to help my relationship?" whenever necessary, and not just with H, but with co-worker relationships, friend relationships, etc. But esp. with H. I want to be more affectionate.
For your H ... I wish he would talk to a therapist. He doesn't "believe in that crap....I think it's been great for you, I really do, but it's not for me." I would love to see him take better care of himself. We have fought about him getting his insides checked out for about a year. I was going to let it go until recently, I saw proof things are not getting better with his insides, so I finally got him to go see a doctor. I wish he would sleep more. I think that really takes a toll on him. (He has to be at work at 4:30a.m.) The best thing about my H is I know he will continue to be a good father.
For your family unit ... really, I just want it to stay whole with the three of us and our little dog.
Any suggestions for my goals are welcome.
So what do I do when there is backlash? I know what this is, but not sure what to do when I experience it. We've had a great weekend, into yesterday. Today, he was ok, but I could feel the "pull back" if that makes any sense. He came over for dinner with S and I. Afterward, we looked at the photos we got done with a great photographer. He loved the photos, very complimentary. Then S and I got big hugs and he left.
**Here's the wrinkle: Like most men, my H is very bad about taking care of himself beyond daily bathing and exercise. He has been having issues with his insides for more than a year now. I think it's an ulcer or something stress related. So finally I called our doctor, set up an appointment and this Thursday he will have a colonoscopy and an endoscopy as well. So I know he's not worried about the procedure and time he is going to spend on toilet. But I do think he is very concerned with what might be wrong. So I am considering that as well.
I think what you have referred to as "backlash" is actually the pull back and it is common after you experience some good, carefree times together. Usually, it confuses the MLCer and their reaction to that is to pull back or either treat you like a total ass. They aren't in touch with the fact the good times "confuse" them though. Remember that. Most of what an MLCer feels is actually going to be acted out with either silence or anger. And usually neither of those is the REAL emotion they are feeling. In time, a MLCer should be able to address his honest feelings and deal with them accordingly. It is likely to be a while though. At this stage, you just learn to expect them to pull back. The pattern will emerge. What you have to work on is not letting what he does effect YOU. You can't be moved by his every mood swing so that would be a goal I'd set if I were you. Basically, that's part of getting a life, too. Separating yourself from the mayhem and busying yourself with other hobbies, tasks, work, etc...
As for making him a doctor's appointment, I wouldn't have done that.
It's too motherly and that can be unattractive.
That's just my opinion though.
What goals are you setting?
Short term ... I am having a harder time with this one....let me think about that. I know I want to learn how to roller blade, does that count?
Of course that counts, it's called GAL and that is important for all. I have some books on my list of things to get to and I mean to entertain myself since I like to read.
Reading is great! Find time to read some of those "Self Help" ones...they aren't so bad. I'm potty training a small boy. I hope that is very very short term.
LOL!! Okay, I especially loved this one. The shorter the better! Long term ... lots of things here. I would like to improve our financial outlook. So I have started to be more frugal and already I've saved a lot and made some bigger dents in our debt.
Nothing wrong with that. Your debt is his debt and vice versa. In the long run it's a plus for you. Many times financial problems are a huge stresser! Good for you doing your best to keep it under control, however...be watchful that he is doing the same. I would like to take some bigger steps in my career which may include some more schooling.
Knowledge is power. Just keep some time for you personal life. I want to continue to exercise, which I have been slacking on a bit here since I've recently started to sleeping like a normal person, it's difficult to wake up and get to it.
Oh yea, how well I know when this first starts how easy the weight falls off and nothing seems to bring it back, then wham...the cheeseburger is right there on your thighs so far I am lovin your goals I have been doing yoga though once a week--love it and will continue that.
I personally have not tried the yoga thing, but I understand it does wonders for you. So if you can do this...do it!For you ... I want to be able to rely on me to make me happy. I would like to be able to spend a whole weekend alone, not talk to a soul and be content doing "Me things".
Yes, we must all learn to love ourselves before we can fully understand what it means to love another. Although I am a bit concerned that you are actually enjoying your time being seperated. Please, don't get me wrong cuz there is nothing wrong with that. I guess I am just not used to seeing someone so new enjoying this so much?? and I could just be misunderstanding your words. I used to do that.
Before you were married and before the baby? I loved it. I want to be able to say I'm going to let this go and really do it-really let it go.
If you can do this so soon into this.....well, my hat off to you. That is very hard for me right now, but I do think I've gotten much better, but still, a long road ahead of me.
A very long road, but I've read most of your posts and replies to others. You are off to a great start. Try to stick to it. I want to keep working on my ability to think before I speak. That's something I've known I needed to work on but ignored it by calling myself witty.
HAAA! Okay, so yea....me too. Darn near took me 3 years to shut it and think before I replied with what I thought was witty. Good for you to realize you need to work on this. I want to be a great mother.
I think you already are. I want to be the person my son thinks I am. I want my husband to look at me like he used to. That might be the longest road I have to travel. And I might not get to.
Now we are getting somewhere....your husband. Although it is all about getting a life...for a moment there I was thinking this was all about you. Don't start thinking negative thoughts. Your a positive person from your posts and that is a huge plus for you. I need to keep asking myself "Is this going to help my relationship?" whenever necessary, and not just with H, but with co-worker relationships, friend relationships, etc. But esp. with H.
That was wonderful. I want to be more affectionate.
Okay, my first thought was.."are you normally not an affectionate person"? "Did our H or others think you were not"? or maybe you are feeling that on our own? Whatever the reason...I loved your response. To me it means your really searching your soul for answers. Wonderful.For your H ... I wish he would talk to a therapist. He doesn't "believe in that crap....I think it's been great for you, I really do, but it's not for me." I would love to see him take better care of himself. We have fought about him getting his insides checked out for about a year. I was going to let it go until recently, I saw proof things are not getting better with his insides, so I finally got him to go see a doctor. I wish he would sleep more. I think that really takes a toll on him. (He has to be at work at 4:30a.m.) The best thing about my H is I know he will continue to be a good father.
The only reason I asked you this is to see what you thought of him and how you may be in some way conrolling him. He is in conrol of him and you of you. I understand you wanting to nurture him, but now is not the time. He is more than capable of doing that for himself right now. Be concerned but do not be his mother. For your family unit ... really, I just want it to stay whole with the three of us and our little dog.
Yay! A dog lover. Obviously I know you love your son and H, but it's alway cool when you throw the other child in Okay, so now here you are. You are off to a great start with a good attitude. You do realize this is not all about you right? So with that in mind, find your balance. You want to restore your family, and with Gods grace you can.
You might want to consider printing up your goals so you can keep track of your forward progress!Any suggestions for my goals are welcome.
Alright, that makes sense. Yesterday, I just ignored it. I know it was also compounded with him having a small freak out about the outcome.
He was annoyed when I made the appointment. He made a comment and I looked him dead in his eyes, "No matter what happens between you and me, you are always going to be S's father. If I have to step in to make sure you're going to be around, I will for his sake. He's enamoured with you. So deal with it."
The next day he said "Thanks for setting all of this up." So it ended well. But yes, I knew there was a risk there in doing that, but what I told him is really how I feel about it.
Fortunately, I do have lots of hobbies. A few I do home and a few I do outside the house. I have left the house a couple of times to enjoy my hobbies and avoid a fight.
And "pulled back" is how I would describe the way he acted last night, not mean but not himself either. Distracted even.
The H and I have had conversations about the finances. I wrote down all we owed in November when this started, with the advice of a good friend. I told him I am completely responsible for half of all of the debt and nothing else that is added after that day in November. He has used one of the cards, and I've made it clear again I am not going to help him pay that crap. He agreed.
Oddly, I'm grateful for our debt. It's bought me some time with H.
I hate being separated. I miss him. I miss the small things (how he smells after a shower) to the huge things (making plans for our lives together with the S and the dog). But I need to be able to smile and really smile, so it reaches my eyes. For a while there co-workers I barely knew were asking me if everything was ok. That's when it hit me "Snap out of it". Before H and def. before S, I would tell my parents not to call me unless it was an emergency because I was not going to deal with anyone. I got movies, books, music, junk food and just vegged out in my apartment. This was when I was living alone. I loved those weekends. I didn't get to do them often but when I did, I LOVED it. I had a new outlook on Monday. I felt more independent during that time of my life than ever before. I miss that girl sometimes. She was not afraid of being alone.
Right now, I can't really let things go. I know that if H and I are going to be able to get to a reconciliation, it won't last long if I can't get past some of the crap that's happened. Some of it is really stupid and I know this, some of it is more serious but all of it can be released....I just really have to work on that skill. And no, I'm not really good at it, but I will give myself some credit that I have gotten better, but understand, I was REALLY bad.
I think I am an affectionate person. I shower my son with lots of affection. I think I forgot to ration it out and give some to H too. Yup. I was that chick, had a baby and forgot about the other person in the family. I hate to admit that but it's true. I can also admit when I'm pissed I with hold the affection from H. Also, not something I'm proud of.
I don't want to control him. (I do get to pick out his clothes because he's color blind, but we both agree that's good for everyone) But I want him to take better care of himself for our S who deserves to have him for as long as possible. He's the typical guy who ignores symptoms and just keeps going. That scares me. We do need him.
Yes, I love the dog. She was our first major purchase, if you will, when we got together. I love her. This situation has been hard on her too.
I know it's not all about me but I confess, it makes me NUTZ that H seems to think it's all about him. It makes me want to be selfish too sometimes. Sometimes I feel very balanced and sometimes I feel like I'm in a free fall. Truly this is a roller coaster.
I do have the goal printed and on my mirror at home. I have the advice from my therapist (love her) and my DB Coach (love her) and some other tid bits I've picked up here. I'm a visual learner.
Thanks Jeanette1120.
You rock.
And the roller coaster continues.
So, yesterday, my H had to have a medical procedure where he was knocked out. His father drove here to help out. My father-in-law and I were in the waiting room for just more than an hour.
FIL asks, out of no where (we were both reading) "So, why did you move and take my grandson out of his home, his own bed?" I looked at him and explained there were things about the relationship between me and H that he and my parents would never know because it's private. I said "With that, last Tuesday, some things happened that pissed me the BEEP off. It was a decision for me: Be his doormat with no self respect or be a the woman I know I am with self respect to share." He sort of got wide eyed and nodded his head. I added "FIL, I love your son. Your son is a good man. We just hit a really thick, large wall that both of us built. I know what I did to get us here, to ruin the marriage. I'm working on it......I love him and I am fighting for my marriage. I just haven't told you son that in words. I'm trying to show him and give him his space." My FIL said "I think you should fight for this. I remember when I met you. I had never seen my son so happy, I have never seen him look at anyone like he looked at you then." So now, in the middle of this waiting room, I'm close to bawling. Fortunately, not a lot of people there
When H's procedure is done, we go up stairs. We walk to his little corner with the curtain around his bed and the nurse says "He only has one person on his form, FIL's name." My FIL says, "No, it only says I'm driving him home. She's his wife, she's the one going in to hear what the dr. says." They go back a forth a little bit and my H is still pretty drugged up and says loudly from behind the curtain, "That's my wife....we're separated, but it still might work out." I'm elated. FIL laughs, nurse looks confused and let's us both in.
The rest of the day he was affectionate, cuddly and kisses me good bye with a heartfelt thank you at the end of the night.
Then, this morning, he loads onto his Facebook page pictures of our S and pictures of the two of them we had professionally done. There were pictures of us as a family, me and S and then me and H. H did not load any pictures with me in them. So it goes without saying, that hurt. (I actually killed my Facebook page to avoid this drama, but the friend I'm staying with told me when she saw it.)
So, looks like I'm going to be on this roller coast for much longer. But I'm strapped in.....I think.
Sounds like you are a strong, confident women. I admire you for being able to keep it together! Keep the faith!
Well unfortunately, part of this roller coaster ride, I'm learning, is that I feel great, empowered, capable of surving this even if it ends in the big D, and then I just miss him and want to cry.
So I try to capitalize when I'm having a great day and really try to stay positive.
I take all the advice given to me and make organized notes. (I'm a visual learner).
Day by day. That's all I can do and that's a good thing.
Quote:
Bomb 11-14-09
Confirmed EA 12-05-08
Left 12-12-08
stillloveshim
Member
Registered: 01/30/09
Today is 02/20/09
Alot [censored] longer than that.
Jack you are so funny!!!
I love the way you word things!!!
By the way I am trying to catch up on your thread, I will post my thoughts later.
(((((hugs)))))
Breathe........
BND
Breath....it's crazy, but I need to remember to do that. I feel like I forget and hold my breath way way too much.
I was told by quite a few people that this would be a long roller coaster ride and so far, very very true.
I'm just trying to keep my wits about me, take care of my son and hang onto my integrity, save my family while creating a new marriage with the love of my life and oh yea, keep working and pay the bills.
No problem.
Hi SLH,
I wish I had words of wisdom to share, but I don't yet. I'm new to this myself. Have been following a few posts for a couple of weeks, and just began posting yesterday. I hope to gain the strength you have. At least your H shows signs of a reconciliation. Mine is dead set that he is done with me, although his actions say otherwise. Very confusing roller coaster ride, and I hate roller coasters LOL. Hang in there. I'm sure God has some kind of plan.
Hey SLH....just wanted to stop by and say thanks for posting to me today. I have gotten right much from what you have said today. So thank you.
Hey You!
I have had the best distractions today posting with you so the pleasure is all mine!
So, as we know this is one hell of a roller coaster.....right? Well talking with H today about the weekend. I got my dates mixed up and it's H's weekend with S coming up and I was talking to him about a fishing event I wanted to take S to. H says "Hey no problem. We're not going to be those parents who fights over when and where the kid is supposed to be based on who's weekend it is." Not happy about that, but I agreed AND then he makes dinner plans with us for tonight and says something a little dirty......ARE YOU KIDDING?????? Please, I'm done, I want off the ride!!!!
Stay strong Sister!!! Stay Strong!!!
Ok.
So things have actually been normal to great with H since I moved out. We've seen each other every day. He's been nice and even flirts.
Today he says, while discussing his plans for this weekend as he has S, "We aren't going to be the kind of parents who fight over where the kid is supposed to be and with depending on who's weekend it is." Not exactly screaming the D word, but not screaming "let's get back together" either.
I'm hoping it's something said out of habit maybe because not that long ago, he said things like that but much much worse all the time.
Suggestions? Right now, my plan is to completely let it go and ignore it, continue to act as if, but should I give it more attention?
Ok.
So things have actually been normal to great with H since I moved out. We've seen each other every day. He's been nice and even flirts.
Today he says, while discussing his plans for this weekend as he has S, "We aren't going to be the kind of parents who fight over where the kid is supposed to be and with depending on who's weekend it is." Not exactly screaming the D word, but not screaming "let's get back together" either.
I'm hoping it's something said out of habit maybe because not that long ago, he said things like that but much much worse all the time.
Suggestions? Right now, my plan is to completely let it go and ignore it, continue to act as if, but should I give it more attention?
U know I use to love Rollercoasters....now Im not so sure they are my favorite ride anymore!!!
Im happy me and my H dont fight over the kids...he just texted me to let me know that he would be working a little late tonight and would be there late to get the kids....tuesdays he has them from 5-8. I said No problem.....
Yes....stay strong!
I dont think I would give it more attention...but do you think he said that because he is thinking of doing something with your son on your weekend and is hoping you will let him? ANd he is just wanting to seem like he is being very cooperative with you and you should be with him no matter what? Just wondering....
What exactly did your Husband say?
I am a bit confused...maybe I read your post wrong.
He wants to go out for dinner with you and your Son?
And this is a bad idea why?
We were talking about this up coming weekend, which is H's weekend with our S. I got my weekend mixed up and there was an event for kids I wanted to take him too. I knew it wouldn't be a problem because H loves to play golf, so he would just go do that while I have our S. (It's a mommy play date thing) Anyways, he says:
"We aren't going to be the kind of parents who fight over where the kid is supposed to be and with depending on who's weekend it is." And it's not exactly screaming the D word, but not screaming "let's get back together" either.
I'm hoping it's something said out of habit maybe because not that long ago, he said things like that but much much worse all the time.
Suggestions? Right now, my plan is to completely let it go and ignore it, continue to act as if, but should I give it more attention?
After he says it, I agreed and then he said "What are we doing for dinner tonight?" And we made plans for dinner for this evening, which is my evening with our S, so he is making the extra effort to see our S and I hope me. He has been very very flirty lately.
I'm trying not to but when there's so much progress then something like this, it kills me and makes me hate the roller coaster even more. I guess I'm whining really.
He is very cooperative with our S but I def. have more time with him than H does, which I don't mind.
Enjoy the interaction.
Each time you get together and it is a positive experience you will leave him with more things to think about.
You have to learn how to be friends again, and this is a good starting point.
Try to remember, IF your Husband is in MLC you will have years of BS to tend with.
If this is just a case of a Husband who is a bit disillusioned in his Marriage and his life and wanted to test the waters.....then give him something to come home to.
Oh, I do enjoy the interaction. I definitely enjoy being with him and lately it's been pretty wonderful because he is flirting now and being affectionate and it feels sincere not "I'm really just horny....hope you are too."
Each time you get together and it is a positive experience you will leave him with more things to think about.
That is very valuable advice.....I hadn't thought of it that clearly.
This is why I hang out here!
My DB coach and my therapist agree that H does have MLC traits but both believe this is more disillusionment in his marriage and the life he wanted or thought he was going to have at 34.
So, let me get working on my list of things to come home too.
Last night, my S and I went to watch a tennis match. (I took up tennis as part of my GAL efforts, love it.) After the match he called and asked if we wanted to come over so he could see S. When we got there, H was sort of mellow, not a bad mood but def. mellow, maybe even melancholy. He says to S "You want to hang out with Daddy? Good, tell Mommy to take her jacket off and relax. She doesn't have anywhere better to be anyways." So S, in his sweet little voice told Mommy to take her coat off and helped me. We hung out for a while and once again he started with the flirting. When we did leave, he loaded our S into his car seat, gave me a hug. A big one. I said "This was all supposed to happen Baby. I'm ok, S is doing great. This is what was supposed to happen. I've benefited from all of this. And there's no angry here." He said something, I didn't quit hear it and then he said "I'm not sure what I want anymore."
So I hope that's a good thing. He said "Bye Lovie, I'll see you tomorrow." And I got in the car and left with S.
Any ideas? Is this good, bad? Nothing?
Sounds positive to me. Keep it up.