Posted By: WCW Forgive AND forget? - 01/27/09 09:13 PM
I feel like a messy mixture of emotions. Skip to the last line for explanation.

Forgive and forget. Can that ever really happen? forgive AND forget? I can and do forgive but it seems that to forget would be silly and make it easy to relapse.

I feel progress from H but I never feel any security, I keep asking myself is any of this real? Is H turning the bend? Is it my imagination?

This morning H had a handful of medical insurance cards and asked me if any of them were still good. The answer was no. I carry the insurance for us thru my work. I asked why, are you sick? He had made an appt for a physical for today. I gave him my card to take with him. To condense the story H asked if I would check on some things for him and I did. I like to do those sort of things for H and it's been quite a while since he's asked.

The good news -
H took this initiative, he hasn't had a physical in 4 or 5 years and told me in advance of his appt, even though it was just a few hours. We ended up talking about me and mammograms and I said I had been lax on that after I got an all clear from having to have 6 month checks and could go back to annual. He said 'at your age it's important to have them'. I did well, I didn't bristle at his age comment. lol. I know what he meant. Today I made an appt for myself.

I've been fielding more requests for H to do horse training again, he is agreeing.

We already agreed on and have an appt made to see the accountant in March to do taxes. This is a very BIG step for us!

The bad news - H's cc debt. Over the top..!! I am fretting and in a tizzy about it but trying to stay calm and figure out what plan to take.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/27/09 09:17 PM
If you cannot forgive, then...what's the point of trying to be married again? Waste of time, this time it's your fault.

If you cannot forget...as in NOT using it against them in a fight over why are the dishes done...then it is just as pointless.

Don't forget, but don't live in the past either. You have no future.

Switch roles, why would you want to be with someone who brings up, even occasionally one of your terrible mistakes?
Posted By: Phoenix_spark Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/28/09 01:16 AM
Just had to say hi and post something on a new thread. Kind of like clean sneakers or a white wall. I love seeing positives on your thread, go with it, work with it. Was thinking of you the other day as I went by a large horse farm.
Posted By: cat03 Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/28/09 02:02 AM
there is no such thing, you can never forget, but you can remember without condemning, without anger, reminding yourself "yes, this was painful but it is in the past".

Wil rehashing past hurts add to your life, will it be helpful to your R? if the answer is no then press the fast-forward button. In time your mind will pass right over those thoughts when they come up.

What does he see in your eyes, doubt or love? which are you going to feed today?
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/28/09 04:34 AM
I think for me to give forgiveness it comes in stages. I didn't just decide one day I could get over it and forgive. To get all the way there has to be something more from H to meet me on the bubble. I am probably thinking too far into the future again. I need to work in the present.

Don't forget the past but don't stay there either. Use the past to move forward.

There are some triggers that can still send me into orbit and once my lips start moving I can't zip it. It isn't often but it happens yet. I wouldn't want to live with someone that kept verbally slapping me in the face. Yet at some point shouldn't the offender understand that the offended will have backslides of outbursts?

cat, I just made that comment earlier tonight that I wish I had a fast forward button! I get tired of thinking of how many more stinkin' baby steps are needed.....

What does he see, doubt or love? Ironic you ask that because I've been wondering that. When H walks in the house and we make eye contact what message am I sending? 'hey jerk, you're home late again and you make me feel like a dog pile because you won't call' or does he sense 'hi, I'm glad you made it home safe tonight and thanks for being here'. Probably more of the first than the last.

Phoenix, what's your update?
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/28/09 11:43 AM
Found you! You can run... but you can't hide... \:\)

I am in no place to offer any advice, just know that I am here reading and cheering you on. I hope that wall your H has built up will begin to cruble soon. For both your sakes.
Posted By: brandnewday Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/28/09 02:58 PM

Forgiveness does come in stages, begining with choosing to forgive.

Every day it gets a little bit easier, but it is definately a process and something you have to choose to do daily.

Eventually the "triggers" won't set you off as much, the the things that would cause you to "spin" will just give you a little twinge.

Hang in there, and take each day as it comes with no expectations but with hope.

Embrace every single positive interaction, and give him happy thoughts and memories to dwell on.

SMILE alot, just force yourself!!

Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/28/09 03:54 PM
BND is right.

It took me a long time to even begin to forgive--over a year and a half!!
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/28/09 07:33 PM
I think it took me a year and a half to even think about forgiving and then longer to begin to put it in practice. I am getting there but there is always a but or a what if. Although H hasn't verbalized it in quite some time he says he has done nothing wrong and nothing to be guilty about. That gets me, I wonder if he will ever fess up to anything in the past or the current debt. Some of what he should be guilty about is in black and white and I don't get how he can maintain innocence. So then if he is innocent no forgiveness is needed. Just babbling in circles.

Maybe I have the cart before the horse, and I certainly know better than that! That's a wreck for sure.
Stay in the present, not the future and not the past.

Did anyone else notice they reduced the amount of characters in the signature line? \:\(
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/28/09 07:48 PM

says he has done nothing wrong and nothing to be guilty about.

I am interested in this only because, I am wondering how the conversation got to that point. Most people out of the blue won't say stuff like this...so I am wondering who brought the word "guilt" or "blame" into it?
Posted By: job Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/28/09 07:58 PM
Some of them will spout that they have nothing to feel guilty about. My xh was standing in my kitchen one day while I was reading the newspaper and just announced to the world that he had nothing to be ashamed of or guilt for with his leaving. I just looked at him because I certainly hadn't had a conversation w/him at that point and he had been gone for over a month.

Things like this may pop up and be voiced during their journey. I have been told it's called thinking out loud. Who knows.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/28/09 08:09 PM
: )

Beware the man who professes his honesty...he isn't.
Posted By: brandnewday Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/28/09 08:12 PM
I second that........... And Women too!!
Posted By: Maya44 Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/28/09 08:12 PM
Hey WCW, just stopping in. Thanks for checking on me today! \:\)
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/28/09 08:27 PM
Years ago H first said it in response to when I asked about the cell phone records. You know hundreds of calls and txts each month to ow.
He said it in response to when I would ask where he was going or where he had been. In our M it had been common knowledge between us and normal convo to ask what are you doing today.
H used it a lot when I tried to talk R with him pre-DB.
H also said he did nothing wrong when he would get caught with ow in various places.
I haven't asked a question that would cause that response in a long time but if I did I would put my money on the same line.

snodderly, H is generally a man of few words even when he is talking. Does that make sense?
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/28/09 09:52 PM
Originally Posted By: WCW
Did anyone else notice they reduced the amount of characters in the signature line? \:\(


Yeah! I had to mess around with mine to make it fit!
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/28/09 11:02 PM
Jeff, what the heck are you messing around with to make it fit where? \:o

Here's some comic relief - I am still laughing!

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
Posted By: naej Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/28/09 11:18 PM
Me too,LOL. I love the quizz one.
Thanks I needed that after a very dull and long meeting.
Posted By: brandnewday Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/28/09 11:23 PM
I loved those........
Thank you for sharing!!!
Posted By: yellowrose Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/29/09 12:34 AM

Those were great!!

Posted By: Phoenix_spark Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/30/09 12:51 AM
That was great, some of that is real life though, that's what makes it great.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/30/09 02:27 AM
I just love my Mom. She is 78.
Last week she sent an email and said something funny and I replied to her ROFLMAO. She emailed back and asked what that meant? I told her.
I sent her these jokes and you guessed it.
She replied - ROFLMAO!!

I just took another call from a cc company looking for H. They won't talk to me, just have H call them. I'm so confused about what to do. Try to talk about it again? leave a note on the table for him? ignore it all? get his name off the property deeds?

There is an insulated travel mug that H got from ow years ago. It's rarely left his sight. There's been so many times I wanted to discreetly lose it or throw it under the manure pile. More and more H has left it home, I think he has replaced the ow mug! Literally.
Posted By: peacetoday Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/30/09 03:03 AM
CC Companies are looking for my STBx as well
In my agreement all his cards will be written excusing wife from any liability
I dont know what the laws are ..I dont think CC co cant take any property..not sure
This is a tough situation if you are still M
I think it bears a talk and investigating ways to try to protect yourself
I stuck my head in the sand for 2 years until H had almost ruined our business and our only source of income
I took legal action to get the business away from him
and I did
I suggest anyone to take care of themselves
too many of these MLCers spent it all leaving LBS penniless
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/30/09 02:01 PM
Thanks peace. H maintains that it is his debt and he will take care of it and I am not liable (one cc did confirm that for me). But he also won't admit he has this debt! That's only if he will say anything at all. I feel like my hands are so tied, I don't see any statements or know much for details but I get calls from them, and the cc won't give details. I told them then I won't give messages! That'll fixem.

I was in bed before H arrived home last night. Three times during the night he hovered around the bedroom, after midnight he walked in to see if I was there. The timing was such that I had all the covers thrown off me (night sweats) and laying there in my All Naturelle pj's. He said he saw lights on out in the indoor arena, then realized it must have been the motion light I recently hung up. I hope it was the cats and not mice setting it off!

I had a list of things I planned to ask H about this morning. Some R stuff, some just daily stuff. Turns out he was out the door early to do chores because he has a stress test today resulting from his physical. He said last fall while hunting he had shortness of breath. I am glad he has come far enough to take care of his health.

So speaking of health, would any of you ladies join a discussion thread about ladies health issues? Maybe that's a whole different website but it seems to mesh or clash with other issues in a R or M or MLC.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 01/31/09 11:22 PM
I guess that's a no. \:\)

Minor breakthrough, H and I had a civil convo about cc debt. Didn't really get anywhere but we didn't go backwards, H didn't get all cranked off, and we left the door open to talk more.

Saw the movie Fireproof last night. Pretty intense!
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/01/09 01:37 AM
How would said discussion board work? I am a little confused about what you are looking for.

WCW, I am so proud of and for you and H!!!!! WTG!

Loved that movie.... I guess now I understand why H was less than moved by it when we saw it \:\(
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/02/09 04:26 PM
My H is such a swell guy. Mostly sort of.

Saturday H had to get paperwork in the mail so I offered to do his morning chores. It was a warmer day and I ended up spending the whole day outside except for when I came in to cook us up something to eat late morning. By that time H had his stuff in the mailbox, we ate, I went back out. H stayed inside, and mid afternoon he came to find me and let me know he was leaving. He didn't offer where he was going and I didn't ask.

I kept working on stuff until dark, and got inside just in time to smell the roast burning because all the water boiled off. \:\) I am such a good cook! It honestly turned out tasty as I added other stuff to make a burrito sorta roll up thingy.

I took a shower and H came home, didn't offer where he was but mentioned that he saw a friend of ours and talked a bit about that. We ate my wonderful cooking.

Earlier in the day I had asked H if he was interested in getting together with friends that had been asking to get together with us. At first he shook his head no but then said ok. The friends ended up being busy.

Sunday morning we had a planned family breakfast, it turns out to be an event with over 20 people. H has always loved this as much as all the rest of the family. He even made some little stickers to take along and give to the little kids.

Some of the results of conversation during breakfast is that H will be resurrecting a website for my nephew, and my sis needed help switching over to a new internet provider. H offered to help her and because we were already so close to her house we went straight there. I asked about going home for the afternoon to do stuff in the daylight (we had talked about that on the way to breakfast) and coming back later, but we ended up spending the rest of the day there and left during Super Bowl halftime.

This morning H was out early because he has a 'rest test' today at the hospital, the other half of his stress test. H did start my truck for me, and I went to say bye and also ask a question. I told him I am working on a picture project to send the grandkids for Valentines Day, and I wanted to include a picture of all of H's World Champion belt buckles and ribbons. Problem is H hauled them off somewhere a few years ago, so I asked if he would take a picture for me or bring them back so I could take a picture. He got his 'I am uncomfortable talking about this face' but said ok, I'm just not sure which question he said ok too.

When we were talking H's cc debt he offered another reason how it my fault that I put him in such debt. When our beloved Mother Mare fell ill year before last those vet bills got charged to one of H's cc's. It was a big chunk of money and H said he didn't mind but didn't realize that had happened and then didn't pay the total cc bill. Now I partially believe him but I also reminded him that he had told me the $$$$ amount and I paid him that day before the cc bill was even due, and then he went out and bought himself a new camera. H said he didn't use my money to buy his camera. Bottom line is he still wants to blame me for his problems and not own up to his own responsibility. I also told H that quite a while ago I switched the records at the vets office so everything gets billed to me. He looked blank for a while, and then said 'I wondered why I didn't see anything anymore.'

In case you got lost reading all that here's a recap -
- H got paperwork in the mail on time
- H accepted my help
- H and I had friendly conversation
- H agreed to plans together with me
- H said my almost burnt cooking was good
- H inserts himself more into my family
- H was going to help me with ranch stuff but we got diverted
- H is checking into his health
- H talked about cc debt, no admission of total amounts
- H didn't get cranked when I asked about something he took from the home
- I am pushing and stretching H's comfort zone a little piece at a time

I am still in limbo and don't know how this will all turn out, there is so much still wrong but I finally feel like the Grand Canyon gap isn't getting wider between us. I feel like I am glad on the outside that H is being a swell guy to everyone, but on the inside I hurt that he isn't that way to me. Yet.
Posted By: brandnewday Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/02/09 10:46 PM
- H got paperwork in the mail on time
- H accepted my help
- H and I had friendly conversation
- H agreed to plans together with me
- H said my almost burnt cooking was good
- H inserts himself more into my family
- H was going to help me with ranch stuff but we got diverted
- H is checking into his health
- H talked about cc debt, no admission of total amounts
- H didn't get cranked when I asked about something he took from the home
- I am pushing and stretching H's comfort zone a little piece at a time


Look at all of those positives!!!!!!!!

I feel like I am glad on the outside that H is being a swell guy to everyone, but on the inside I hurt that he isn't that way to me. Yet.

I am so glad you added the YET
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/04/09 10:58 PM
The week has been going along pretty good. I feel that H seems a little more relaxed and smiles more around just me, we talk about some day to day plans.
I so want to be a piece of his day to day plans but for now I have to settle for at least that he is telling me some of them instead of just leaving and saying nothing.
It may be me projecting too much of my own feeling into this thought but I feel that H can relax a little since we talked a little and took the cover off his secret cc debt. A lot of work to do there yet.

I was at a meeting and we were introducing ourselves. One guy realized who I was and then talked about H, and how good he is at what he does. I said 'thank you, I will let him know'. The rest of the room exploded and said 'NO, it will go to his head and he will charge us all more!' I said 'ok, then I will tell H he really got ripped up at the meeting' and they laughed. I told H the story and he nearly got flustered at the compliments.

Now the part that is making me rage again, and poor H doesn't even know! I got an email about an event that ow is having and she is looking for help.... I know I just have to learn to deal with this as I am sure there will be more and more of it in the future. I just see red and am angry and full of rage, anything about her sets me off! Rumor has been that I've already bitch slapped her and I sure would love for that rumor to be true! But I have to deal with this, we are both in the horse world and will continue crossing paths. It's a good thing I will be out of the state during her event or there is a good chance I would pull on my best boots and strut into her place.
I know part of it is jealousy in me because she has this Horse Palace that is funded by money she got from D'ing her H to be clear to go full throttle after mine. She doesn't have to work hard, she fell into it. People have told me that my H is the one that designed her place and it has his telltale stamps on it.
I know that I should be happy that my H is home every night and not with her.

My great Mom just called to let me know she got her phone fixed. The other day she had said it must have a bad battery because it stays dark all the time. I asked her if it was on as I've tried and tried to reach her on her cell phone but it goes straight to vm. She said she fixed it now, she turned it on. lol I love my Mom!
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/05/09 01:21 PM
Today I get this -

When you are discontent, you always want more, more, more. Your desire can never be satisfied. But when you practice contentment, you can say to yourself, 'Oh yes -- I already have everything that I really need.'
- The Dalai Lama
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/09/09 04:23 PM
Since ya'll are clamoring for an update....

Still counting the positives and working on staying away from thoughts of how the heck will this ever come together and be real again. The trail is long.

H was gone volunteering at the State Winter Olympic games. He sent me a txt late saying he was still 2 hours from home. It was so odd to hear from him about what time he would get home. I replied ok thanks. The next morning H vented about how the guys he was riding with had to stay at the party, stop at the rest stop, stop to eat, stop to shop, it took them 4 hours to drive less than 100 miles. I laughed and said it sounded like he was with a bunch of women!

My weekend was full of GAL, networking, selling, trading, riding lessons, introduced H to some people that has potential for some business, and I didn't even blow at the mention of ow from people. (breaking my arm patting myself on the back)

I am finding more and more that people don't have cash to spend but most everyone is open to trade or barter for something. Works for me too!
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/10/09 03:46 PM
I crashed and went to bed early last night. I figured why not? My body had aches everywhere. H is on his ski shift, I can go to bed early and not get 'caught'. Wouldn't ya know that H comes early! He came to the bedroom and asked 'you alright?' and tickled my foot I had poked out from under the covers. H said skiing was cut short by the rain.

We traded phone messages that I had received for him, talked a little.

H has also started taking humorous jabs at me again, and included me in some funny emails, and one that included some of his work schedule info so we can set up a meeting.

Yet we are still living under the dark cloud of cc debt and finances.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/11/09 06:34 PM
Oh please, stop drowning me with all your responses!

H and I were conversing about weekends plans and appts, then I used the opportunity to say 'looks like we have some open time and you can take me out for Valentines Day!'
H's response - 'I don't know what that is'
My reply - 'I don't either'

I've gotten nothing from H for years. I've learned not to rely on him to share my love with on this 'day of love'. Instead I mailed off the photo album and gifts to grandkids and greatnieces and greatnephew. I am spending time on Friday with my mom again. While H ignores VD I have each year gave him a cutsie or funny card not applying pressure. Before I realized what was going on I had given him one of those chocolate ILUVU things. He still has it.

Is it time to change what I do? Do I show H what Valentines Day is? Is my H ready? I haven't told H ILY for years, I am afraid to say it. I am afraid to show it. I am afraid to feel it. It's hard not to be numb after all this time. It's just as hard not to push the fast forward button while H might still be on pause or rewind. Ugh. I think it is time...
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/11/09 06:52 PM
Originally Posted By: WCW

My reply - 'I don't either'

I think a better response would have been something like "well I think we both need to re-familiarize ourselves with this holiday of love, baby!"

Originally Posted By: WCW

I haven't told H ILY for years, I am afraid to say it. I am afraid to show it. I am afraid to feel it. It's hard not to be numb after all this time. It's just as hard not to push the fast forward button while H might still be on pause or rewind. Ugh. I think it is time...

Time to face your fears, me thinks.

Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/11/09 08:13 PM
Originally Posted By: NNP1965

Time to face your fears, me thinks.


I think I agree. What's the worst thing that can happen?
Posted By: brandnewday Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/12/09 12:00 AM

Take a risk......

Do a 180.......

Posted By: BeingMe Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/12/09 03:38 AM
If fear is holding you back ... ? Well, you know what I mean.

Something to think about: Courage is fear that has said its prayers. Dorothy Bernard

Courage, girl, courage. ((((((WCW)))))))
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/12/09 06:06 PM
Thank you all for your support.

I picked the first card from the rack, I thought 'perfect', and bought it.

My husband, I love you.
I've told you so many times before,
but Valentine's Day seems like a good time to tell you just how much you mean to me...
I love you even on days when the sun doesn't shine and our nerves are on edge...
when it's easy and when it takes all the patience in the world.
I still love you, no matter what.
Of all the people in the world, you're the only one I'd wnat to spend forever with.

I also bought one that says "when I see you my tail starts waggin'" and will give him that one from Dog, Dog, and WCW.

H has put his armour of steel on again as this day approaches. It makes me retreat and tension has been thick for a few days. I'm forging thru it this time, and will give my love. I don't expect anything or any reaction from H except that I hope he does't stomp on my heart to hard.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/12/09 06:12 PM
BeingMe, how are you feeling after surgery? any results yet?
Posted By: BeingMe Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/12/09 07:56 PM
Feeling much better, WCW, thanks. Getting my stitches out today. Still no results from the biopsy.

Hope things go well on VDay! \:\)
Posted By: Phoenix_spark Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/13/09 02:16 AM
In case I don't get a chance tomorrow, good luck to both of you on Saturday. BeingMe, I guess I've be of the screen too long, you'll have to fill me in later. Hope your doing well/better.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/14/09 12:46 AM
I gave H his stuff this morning so I wouldn't chicken out. The standard operating procedure is for him to get crabbier and crabbier until the Day has past, and makining me glad to stay away. Before he reached the peak of Crab I surprised him a day early. He said 'what's this? is that today?' A few minutes later we were both in the kitchen and H was standing in front the sink, I wanted a glass of water and he thought I was waiting for a hug. I'm trying real hard not to be upset by H's behavior again but I just really want to call H a jerk today.

I had a good rest of the day at work and had a wonderful lunch with family. I thought I had a movie date with my young gnephew but he stood me up!! Kids! I had people coming for riding lessons tomorrow but they've canceled also. It might end up to be a very long weekend afterall. Ick.

I might have to actually buckle down and do paperwork but I think I can get a few loads of manure hauled out on the field instead if the ground stays froze. It's unfortunate though that a manure spreader is the only piece of equipment that the manufacturer won't stand behind. hahahahahaha (get it?)
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/15/09 01:32 AM
Last night I went for a therapy ride on my horse, and then decided that I'd go back to town rather than be home alone for the evening. I went to the Christian Bookstore, I love browsing bookstores. They were having open mic, so I enjoyed a cappucino and music. Crabby H was home when I got back and I got the silent treatment.

Today the discussion about repairing the clutch in the tractor turned into an R talk. Parts of the convo included me asking H if he has decided yet if he was still leaving or staying. He wouldn't say. He asked me if I wanted him to go? We did some more work.

Finally I asked H to come stand with me. I said I don't want you to leave but there's a but, I don't want us to stay the way we are, we have to change. You are smart and funny and handsome and witty and intelligent and I want it all.
H's response was his cousin told him that H's dads side of the family was all gifted and very smart.
He was going to walk away and I asked for a hug. H said why? I said why not? we hugged.

So, nothing really new. I've said those things other times.

H helped me get the manure pile spread. Now we're headed to town to get some supplies, and maybe we'll eat out tonight.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/15/09 04:32 AM
We went to town and got the things we were looking for.
We went to eat at our favorite local restaraunt.
H talked about this new business he is building and how him and this other guy have things all figured out.
As we were leaving the restaraunt the owner talked to H about needing things from H's new business!

I remembered something I told H during our R talk earlier. I told him it took a stronger man to stay than to walk away. He got in the skid loader and said 'guess I better go then' and drove away.

I don't think my H is going anywhere but it would be nice to hear him verbalize it. False security for me.
Posted By: Flicka Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/18/09 01:16 AM
Husband can't afford to go anywhere... He is stalled out. {another horsie metaphor...}

So, WCW, can you just keep on, keeping on?

I can. I am doing that.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/18/09 03:20 AM
I did a 180 tonight. Instead of thinking positive I wandered into all the things that are wrong between me and H and if he will ever be honest about anything again.
What if he can't forgive himself?
Posted By: amd Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/18/09 03:33 AM
I wonder about this with my own H. The answer I come up with is that I can't do anything about that. Looking that far into the future gets pointless for me--all the what ifs. It's out of our hands. I try to embrace the present instead, regardless of H and his state of mind.

Be well, friend.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/22/09 10:49 PM
How can I make this a short story?
Long tough week.

I asked H today if he was staying or leaving.
H said "I'll leave today if you want me too."
I said I'm tired of that threat all the time.
I said I'm going to a meeting, you can pack up what's left and be gone when I get home.
More time, more stuff said, H came and took my coffee and set it down and hugged me a long time.
Before I left he asked "what will you do if I'm not gone when you get back?"
I said "what can I do?"
H said he had errands to do but he let me know that if he wasn't here when I got home that he was just doing errands and would be home this evening.
I'm not backing down, this screwed up life has to change.
I just don't know how to enforce my words.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/22/09 11:15 PM
You go girl... No retreat and no surrender!
Posted By: MT35 Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/22/09 11:26 PM
Hey WCW- Just wanted to stop in and say hey, and let you know I am riding along! Or in my world I am floating.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/22/09 11:30 PM

Good for you.

You do what you say you're going to do. That is how you enforce your words. Otherwise the words are empty, otherwise...he knows it is just talk, and there is no strength to the conviction.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/22/09 11:53 PM
We're just bluff calling right now.
He said I'll leave, I said go, H said what will you do if I don't?
So he isn't going anywhere. Again.

I can rag on him and force him out that way. That's not who I am, but probably all it would take is to keep asking him to talk with me about our issues. He considers that a fight.
I can blow it open and talk to anyone who wants to know what's been going on with us, including my family.
I can take legal action.

How else do I put clout into my words and enforce change?
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/23/09 12:00 AM
Have his bags packed if you really want him gone.

But do not be the one to leave.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/23/09 12:13 AM
Tehnically he took his bags years ago. His clothes are not here, most of his personal stuff is long gone. There's a few things remaining that he brought when he moved here and business stuff. Nothing else to pack for him.

I told him which 3 horses I wanted to keep, and he could take the others to ow's where he has a horse already. That prompted him to start a 'fight' about why I didn't want a certain horse he thought I should want. I said I need to pick my battles, and that horse isn't one of them, but if you leave her I'll keep her. He said 'pick your battles? I can't believe you won't keep that horse.....' I asked why he wants to fight about a horse I DON'T want. He agreed to leave my old dog, and 'our' other dog he wouldn't answer when I asked. He just said 'he likes it here.'
Posted By: dl443322 Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/23/09 03:17 AM
Hey W, I have never posted to you before but I have ben reading.
My h has been leaving for 20 months. He is now gone for 4 days a week at his ow's mother's house.

I told him last week he has to go so I could move forward, but he is here again.

I was just wondering why these men say they want to leave and then dont.

I know they are cake-eating and all, but really, I could never say that I was leaving and then stay, ya know?
Posted By: BeingMe Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/23/09 04:28 AM
If he likes it there then why doesn't he really live there. His stuff isn't there, and he doesn't sleep in his bed. He's only there at night, not so?
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/23/09 04:16 PM
bm, welcome. I don't understand why H won't leave the rest of the way.
BeingMe, H said the dog likes it here. That was his only answer to my question if he was taking the dog. H can't even say yes or no to that.
During our convo H always derails the talk and brings up whatever else he can think of to avoid giving answers. I was more determined and kept going back to the questions and we did cover a variety of topics without ever solving anything. That's our normal SOP.

H came home in the evening like nothing ever was discussed. I had made some supper, and had just popped a cheese curd in my mouth when H looked and said 'you didn't just eat one of those!!' I said yeah as I was chewing. He said he was going to eat some the other day but they were moldy. I asked then why did you put them back in the refridgerator instead of throwing them away?! He threw them out then after showing me mold on a few of them.

This morning I asked H for a hug and we hugged. I told him I wanted it to be part of our routine and didn't want him acting like pouty 10 year old that had to hug his grandma without her teeth.

I can make a pile of the things that H has left in the house.
I am thinking to also give him 2 phone numbers. One for a L and one for Retrouville, it's his choice which one to call but an appointment has to be made.

The other night we had surprise overnight guests. H slept in our bed with me. It was just like old times, we slept close and touched all night long. The night before that I had sent H a sizzling email about the collection calls I have been getting for him and we needed to fix those problems. I was giving him one more chance to talk with me about it before I went in search of my own answers. That's why I initiated a talk yesterday, to follow up on my email. H would rather walk than talk. Then he should be making tracks.
I'm probably still not making any of this sensible to follow as it's pretty disjointed.
Posted By: MT35 Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/23/09 04:30 PM
I am cracking up at the Grandma without her teeth in!
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/23/09 05:15 PM
I am totally following along.
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/23/09 05:57 PM

I don't know what to say. He would make me crazy.

I can't believe he wanted to fight about a horse you didn't want to keep. I think he expects to fight, so he looks for one even if there isn't one there. Maybe he needs to fight, to justify everything he has done, and continues to do in his mind. "All WCW and I do is fight, why should I stay here?"
Posted By: kat727 Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/25/09 01:10 AM
I guess if you really want him gone, change the locks and have the horses loaded up and ready to go the next time you expect him home. I would also direct all the collection calls to OW's phone or his cell.

He can't keep you in limbo forever unless you allow him too. However you do have to be ready for it to go either way. I told my ex I was tired of the limbo and that I wanted to know what was going on before Christmas of 2007. He filed in November and didn't bother to tell me.


Posted By: theotherhalf Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/25/09 11:32 AM
Morning WCW, checking in on you, it's been awhile. Sorry that things are so rough and I totally understand your frustrations. I had hoped that things had gotten better for you.

I pray that a change is on the horizon for you. One way or another. You deserve peace and happiness and I pray that you find it.

Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 02/26/09 10:57 PM
Thanks for all your thoughts.
H has not left voluntarily, and I have not kicked him to the curb. The business equipment is still in use in the house, the horses are not loaded in the trailer. They wouldn't all fit!

What has happened is more issues with H's debt which is affecting my credit. We've had more conversations and emails, it's been intense. H also needs money for his portion of new equipment with his 'new partner'.
H has talked about some things that went wrong in life and his plan for the cc debt he had to pay it off, his 5 year plan to be debt free. It fell apart, and while I knew he had debt and was struggling I turned away and left it alone. It wasn't my problem. My life was actually going pretty good.
Then it happened to the whole country too, families wallowing in debt and unable to meet obligations.

While H still considers me a contributing factor to his debt (WTF? I fed the horses too much?) he does now say more of the truth about what happened and takes responsibility and is working on a new plan. He won't give me details (yet). He doesn't trust me.

So that's about it. I still believe with whole hearted enthusiasm that this M does NOT have to end in D. H knows what I need, we've both done our share of crying this week. I cleared one of my own hurdles and told H that I loved him, and I signed an email Love. If H does pack up and leave he will go knowing that I love him.

One more thing, I went to church this week. I cry, cry, cry. I don't understand why church makes me cry.

Work has been crazy busy and I am thankful.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/01/09 03:31 PM
Happy March!
There's been a lot of activity with business stuff so H and I have had more than usual contact. That almost always makes me feel better, I know it's because I still can't properly detach from H or our life.

We spent another whole day together. H came along to help me haul some horses and unfortunately we ended up in the ER. Turns out nothing major, but H will have limited capabilities for a few days.

The ER trip preempted some other plans we had made, but we did go to some friends for dinner and socializing. It was nice to hear H talk about things in his normal voice. I learn a lot just listening to him talk. It's like we learn about each other again while we talk with other people.

H's first horse for training arrives within the hour. That is a huge change.

H saw the bill for his health physical and freaked a bit. Yes dear, all those tests are expensive even with insurance.
We're still tap dancing around cc discussions, H is still keeping the amounts hidden but is 'whining' about all of it. I offered again that if he wants to work together we can make a plan. He just said "I know you will". I have said enough that he knows I will help, he knows that his choices DO affect me, those are acknowledgements H would not make before.

Baby steps? heck I don't have a clue but it's probably not baby steps, just change. But I wanted change and I am getting it. Like it or not!
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/03/09 04:18 AM
The Bachelor show really ticks me off! The guy needs some serious help. I wonder why I didn't turn the channel!
Posted By: theotherhalf Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/03/09 11:30 AM
Ya, WCW I agree. MEN they are all alike!
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/03/09 02:32 PM
Originally Posted By: theotherhalf
Ya, WCW I agree. MEN they are all alike!

Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/03/09 10:18 PM
Originally Posted By: Virtually_Handsome
Originally Posted By: theotherhalf
Ya, WCW I agree. MEN they are all alike!

Aw Jeffie, you're exempt. (sorta) ;\) I don't think all men are alike, but I did think that bachelor had some real problems long before last night. He's a wreck! He gave the standard lines - I deserve to be happy, some people will be hurt and won't like this, follow my heart. The guy should wear a big reg circle with a diagonal line thru it!
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/03/09 11:06 PM
LOL I love that visual, WCW!
Posted By: Phoenix_spark Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/04/09 08:31 AM
I can't even turn shows like that on, so I'm not even going to ask. I would rather watch a cricket match, heck I would even rather watch parking lot surveillance tapes. Those kind of shows fall under the train wreck category.

I'm going to pose a question here for the "bachelor". Why go looking for a relationship if all you can think about is yourself? If your looking for a relationship, the focus needs to be the other person. The only way you can be truly happy is if you can make the other person happy. Start with sacrifice buddy.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/05/09 10:38 PM
The Bachelor saga continues, he can't understand why people are so upset with him. ARE YOU KIDDING?? Whatever. There's too much real life to think about to use up more brain cells on that individual.

PS, I can't totally agree with you that your focus needs to be on the other person and making them happy. In all honesty, I think that's what ended me up in this sitch I am in. I lost myself while I had my focus on someone else and their happiness.

My mom is struggling right now with her H and looking for a place to vent. Emails are burning! I told her I was reading a book Stop Blaming Start Loving in my 'spare' time and suggested it for her. Mom told me to stop reading self help books and just get out my bible and said Jesus loves us. Her whole response brought tears to my eyes.

Me and H? good stuff, bad stuff, trying not to get sucked down but I do. Maybe I haven't learned anything yet.
Eyes on the horizon, bubble in the middle.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/05/09 11:09 PM
Just checking in on you WCW.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/07/09 02:45 PM
Thanks for checking NNP.
I have proof now, H loves me. He refilled my coffee cup for me this morning. LOL, pretty pathetic.

I shared the electric bill information with H. We used over 1000kwh less per month from last Jan/Feb to this Jan/Feb with about the same type of weather which now lowers my budget billing by $100 per month. I attribute the savings to how the livestock is arranged to use less tank heaters, and also using a solar water tank that someone gave us because it didn't work for them. Works great for me!

Wow, the 2nd refill is on the way! and a poptart for breakfast! Significant? probably not except that the other night a guy asked me and H why we have separate cell phone plans. I told him H and I don't share well. The guy said don't you play together very good? I said we don't do that either. H had an embarrassed smile as he listened.
Posted By: BeingMe Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/07/09 07:26 PM
Dang! I got all excited there for a sec! Well, it is a step, of some sort, isn't it. It is nice to save some money on electricity ... good for y'all. \:\)
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/09/09 01:22 AM
BM, I was warming up for April Fools....

H and I took our 'stuff' to a trade show today to sell. It went ok, always wish for better. But it's another positive change I think, doing these things together.

I had an aha moment.
For years I was always the person in the background and H was the guy that everyone knows. Today, if I had been keeping track, I would be that more people knew me by name than H. That's what happens when H goes dark. lol
What I really wonder is - does H notice those changes too?

A few years ago a guy quit his good job, floundered around for awhile, and then went to school to start a career doing the same thing H does. Guy and H are sorta buddies, and this is the same guy H is now 'partners' with in a new business venture. H doesn't say a lot to me about it, but my gut is saying this will go bad at some point. Two guys in direct competition in business together.
H has commented about other things "better to keep them where you can see them than not".
Is this a guy thing? Can this work? Nothing I can do to change it, but do I give any more brain space to being concerned about it?
Posted By: amd Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/09/09 03:28 AM
What would being concerned change? You already answered that question: nothing. H will figure it out one way or another. Just my 2cents.

Be well.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/10/09 09:59 PM
H is stressing, I hear the anxiety in his voice when we talk. He has taken on this new business and trying to keep too many balls in the air during this already very busy time of year.

He won't ask for help, but if I know of something and offer he will say sure. I'm not sure just how much I should try to do for him. It reminds me of the old days when I did all I could to show my support and in return I got shut out of his life and told I never supported anything he did! I do want to help and support and be part of his life but that is not the same as being an erand girl. Where is the balance....
Posted By: amd Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/15/09 09:40 PM
He won't ask for help, but if I know of something and offer he will say sure. I'm not sure just how much I should try to do for him. It reminds me of the old days when I did all I could to show my support and in return I got shut out of his life and told I never supported anything he did! I do want to help and support and be part of his life but that is not the same as being an erand girl. Where is the balance....
DB coach Chuck told me that I had become more like H's mother than his wife and that I needed to not do for him so much. It is a really fine line, and sometimes I fall onto the wrong side. Maybe in your case you can say something, "Let me know if you need any help with that," and leave it with him to reach out and ask.
Posted By: theotherhalf Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/15/09 10:21 PM
girl do I understand your frustration and feel your confusion!!

I wish someone would come up with a definate "right" answer. This is tough.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/16/09 01:13 AM
Thanks amd and toh. I'm still trying to learn the line between supporting and being a mother.

A few items to note -
-H was very late one night, he sent me a txt where he was and why.
-We were up eary the next day to take our 'stuff' to a trade show. I got in the shower and H joined me! Maybe it was just because we were running late but H is a person that is used to being late.
-H slept all night in our bed. My back was killing me and I asked during the day if he would give me a back rub at night. When I went to bed I asked if he still would, and H came to bed soon after I went. He didn't turn off the lights or tv in the other room, but he spent the whole night in our bed with me. This is the first time since Sept 2004 that he slept with me in our bed without someone else staying on the couch.
So, 3 things very different from MLC H and very like Real H.

H was looking for a specific photo so we dug thru a pile of stuff on the desk. Wow that was tough! Pictures from when the family was together for his mom's funeral, pictures from the kids graduation, pictures from our World Champion show days, pictures from our good days, even one in a rare dance together.

I went to a home and business show end of the week, a mediator had coupons for $150 off her service for D mediation. I skipped it at first but then circled back and took one.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/30/09 06:15 PM
Hi WCW... might be time for an update on your sitch too \:\)
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/31/09 09:34 PM
Life is superduper busy.
I had a great riding trip to a warmer climate and picked the best week for weather there.
I don't want to jinx anything but H has spent a couple nights a week in our bed with me. Adjustment to sleeping with someone again!
Some nights when he is extremely late to get home he will send me a txt about it. Adjustment to receive that contact from H, most of the time I reply with a thanks.
H has been working his butt off to drum up business for his new business while still keeping up with current old business.
No, we have not had a conversation about finances but in our SOP we do it in bits and pieces.
I still try to walk that fine line between help/support vs mothering. I can't just sit back to watch him struggle and fail, that's not being a W either!
Another horse came in for training after the first one went home when the client ran out of money.
We have done more social things together (and had a good time) in the last 3 months than in the last 5 years.

Me - thankful to be busy and have the extra hours at work even though I am salary and don't get OT.
Got some bad news about my back aches and pains but hopefully I can get and respond to treatment.
Got some good news from my Mom when she gave me an early birthday present. Mom remembered me talking about a cruise being on my todo list when we went out for Valentines Day. Then at a family breakfast we were talking about cruises and she heard me ask H if he would ever go on a cruise with me (it just doesn't appeal to him), and he said no except maybe to Alaska. My Mom gave me a BIG check for me and H to go on a cruise to Alaska, or whatever I would like to do with it. She said it was about time she did something to help. ???

Mostly it feels like H is slowly remembering that I am not the enemy.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Forgive AND forget? - 03/31/09 11:24 PM
Wow, I am feeling very optimistic after reading that! \:\)
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/01/09 01:00 AM
I've always felt certain that with my H there would never be any 'aha' or 'light bulb' moment and we would have the fairy tale type moment. H had the light switch moment when he flipped out, but after that he spent a lot of months/years easing out of 'our' life. Now it feels he easing back into it. That's ok with me. Slow and steady wins the race. I just wish I knew where the finish line is!

So NNP, spill. !! ;\)
Posted By: Phoenix_spark Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/01/09 08:42 PM
Wow, go away for awhile and stuff starts to happen. I am very happy for you WCW. Business is up, the couch is finally a couch again.......nice. Hope you can continue to grow back together again. I'll check back every once in a while. Make the team proud.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/02/09 05:38 PM
Hey PS, nice to see you. The couch is still dual purpose, don't fast forward too much!

Plenty of frustrating days too, like the last 24 hours. GROWL. It's better if I look at the big picture and not zero on certain things.

H says he won't go on a cruise. No real surprise and I probably shouldn't have asked but I felt that if I didn't it will come up at Easter Dinner with my family. I didn't offer the reason behind why I asked. I'll tuck the money away for now.
Posted By: Phoenix_spark Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/04/09 07:29 AM
Sounds like a good plan. I hope the path stays in a positive trend for you. Some days I hope for a break, some days I'm glad to be away from the sitch. No idea which I would prefer. I hate being in a place of nothing to fight for.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/07/09 01:07 PM
Some days are ok, some days are worse. Will it ever get good or great again??!! or even just be ok for the majority of the time?

One of the things I've been sensing is that H is too 'afraid' of me to initiate any type of healing discussions. He has always been a conflict avoider and thinks if you ignore it long enough it will go away. We just had a hard conversation (involving ow and a bill) that I had to get started, and it ended ok but in typical Venus style I want to talk every detail and H wants to just be done talking about it. He always leaves me wanting more! ;\)

I saw this in an email today - W.C. Fields's profound statement "If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."

I saw JackThreeBeans told sunshinelewis - If you have 1 shot in a 1,000,000 for the man you love you take it.

Somewhere there is a balance in the middle of that and I just try to keep my bubble in the middle.

Big event coming up for me and I know I can't count on H and I know I am going to be disappointed about him even though I have no expectations. Frustrating!
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/07/09 03:51 PM
From another email -

Believe In Yourself
And in your dream
though impossible
things may seem,
Someday, somehow you'll get through to
the goal you have in view.

Mountains fall and
seas divide before
the one who in his stride
Takes a hard road
day by day
sweeping obstacles away.

Believe in yourself
and in your plan.
Say not - I cannot but, I can.
The prizes of life we
fail to win, Because we doubt the
power within.

As I read the poem, my hesitation disappeared, my confidence restored, I knew it would be all right. I did have a dream, and although, at times it appeared impossible, I set my goal and never lost sight of that end goal. Yes, many times as I worked towards that goal I had setbacks, and faced many challenges.

When I faced those challenges I always remembered the quote: "persistence prevails when all else fails". I never lost focus. I believed I could do it. And, as I reflected on the poem I knew, tomorrow will work out. I have come this far and faced many obstacles and challenges, but I overcame them.
Posted By: brandnewday Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/07/09 07:05 PM
I see progress....

Although I hate to say this, but there are babysteps.

You are further along on the journey then you were at this time last year.

Slow and steady wins the race.....

Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/08/09 08:54 PM
Thanks bnd. Sometimes I wonder if the babysteps are dependent on how positive I can stay and portray in these posts. It is surely different than last year, and the year before that, and the year before that........ Slow and steady is an UNDERSTATEMENT! ;\)

This is something new. I have to go pick up a dad and daughter from the county airport. They live about 3 hours drive time from here and are flying in with their private plane to see their horse they brought for training.

I'll be better after tomorrow. \:\)
Posted By: Flicka Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/08/09 10:31 PM
You will be OLDER and better!!!

Happy Birthday, tomorrow, Cowgirl!!!
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/09/09 02:39 PM
Thanks Flicka! I thought you were off with hubby?

As my life moved into my next half century I was riding my faithful steed in the bright moonlight at midnight. Awesome.
The big surprise was a party for me last night, prebirthday. A good friend arranged it all and H had no options other than be there. Too funny! He almost acted like a H too while everyone was around. The best line of the night came from my 9 year young greatniece. I was reading a card that said "There is worse things than getting older" and she looked at me wide eyed and said "there is???" Big laugh! The most flattering line was a lady said "I thought you were younger than me by 5 years or more" and she is 49.

This morning H came in the bedroom and said Happy Birthday and gave me a backrub, and left a card laying on the table for me, a funny card and he even signed it Happy Birthday. Another babystep! lol

Before I left for work I backed up the hill to the indoor arena and looked over the land. I felt a sense of satisfaction with what I've accomplished in life so far, with a twinge of pain and wonder about H. Then in typical fashion the thoughts of 'so much to do yet' took over as I rushed off to work.

I remember a remark from H a year or two ago. He said 'you always push for more.' Well, he's right! I don't want status quo, I want bigger and better! I'll keep nudging him along and backing off until I get where I need to be - with H or without H. M is sure different than I ever dreamed about.
Posted By: brandnewday Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/09/09 02:56 PM

Posted By: BeingMe Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/09/09 03:17 PM
Happy Birthday, WCW!
Posted By: kat727 Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/09/09 04:58 PM
Happy Birthday!! Enjoy your day.

Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/12/09 01:24 PM
Thanks bnd, BM, and kat! My day was real good, although I didn't hear from H after I sent him a txt that I was expecting him to ask me to lunch and put a lol behind it.

Spring has sure sprung in the horse world. Everyone wants something! I feel very blessed to be busy and productive!
Posted By: Phoenix_spark Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/13/09 07:34 PM
Happy Birthday. Keep up the good work. Just work with the baby steps you get. Keep working on what you can, let God figure out the rest for you.
Posted By: 1hope Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/13/09 08:01 PM
Happy Birthday WC! Thank you for coming by my thread the other day and saying Hi. I am happy to read about the good things happening with your H.

Life has been very busy, and also happy for H and I. We just spent the best weekend together that we have had in about a year and a half. Nothing elaborate, but lots of laughs and fun, with friends and family.

Every day I thank God for my blessings. For this site, and all of you.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/14/09 07:04 PM
Thanks PS, you've been with me so long.
1hope, it's nice to hear the happy in your posts. Keep working on it!

This is such a crazy whirlwind these days. H and I are busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest.
We have a BIG event coming up and H wanted to 'pack up' things last weekend. It didn't happen as planned, and we had conversations about when to try again - Monday evening. In the morning I told H that soandso was coming to help bla bla bla.
No show H to help that evening.
Friend and I did as much as we could, but I called H for pertinent info and also asked why he wasn't home to help.
H called back and said he hadn't planned on being home that evening as he had other priorities that needed to be done. He also said he remembered that I told him in the morning that soandso was coming to help. Whatever, H showed up a couple hours later at almost 11pm when all was loaded except what needed his input.

Today, I called H and said I was running errands and asked if he needed things from the same place or had already been there. H called back in a few minutes in a REAL happy voice and asked who I was? Then told a funny story that he thought he was returning my call and ended up calling my sister instead. That explains his happy voice, he might be talking to someone else! Why don't I get the happy voice?....

In the course of the convo I asked if he had a chance to complete some other things. H said no that was what he was going to do last night until he got called home. I asked why if he wasn't planning to be home to help he didn't just SAY that when we talked in the morning, and at least I would have known not to expect him and dealt with it without bothering him or expecting him. No answer.

Communication at it's best again!

There's a few things that don't 'feel' right about some things H is saying. I won't ignore it totally but I am trying to just let it slide due to the high stress this week and my over active suspicious mind during this anniversary period of ow memories.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/20/09 03:59 PM
April showers bring May flowers. New buds of confusion are blooming and it has potential to be a big crop again!
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/20/09 07:48 PM
This weekend a hotel room was provided for us during the trade show. It had a queen bed and a couch. With our history of 'bed fights' and unsleeping together in a hotel room I took the couch since it considered H's room. Problem was the couch was shorter than me and I couldn't get comfortable and my legs were aching from standing on concrete all day. I got up to close the curtains so the city lights didn't shine in my eyes. H said if I wasn't comfortable why don't I just sleep in the bed? I got up and moved to the bed with him, no touching, and he turned his back on me.
Also, my sister was visiting from out of town and he invited her to stay in our room one night and I didn't even know he did until sis told me. The night she stayed H helped her turn the couch into a bed and get the blankets/pillows out. H and I slept in the bed again.
Another babystep? or just keeping me confused? Why invite me to the bed and turn his back? why not tell me the sofa turns to a bed or let me know there were extra blankets so I could stay on the couch?

The weekend had many ups and a few downs. ow sighting just as I was leaving to go to dinner with a group of ladies I seldom see. ow had walked up to H and talking to him. I wanted so much to approach but I just left. In a few minutes I did need to go back and ask H for a hotel key, ow had moved away but was still near by. The other times I saw her all weekend she was alone. It was nice to observe that I am not the only one that has put a few pounds back on. HA! and SHE is turning gray too and I am not! double HAHA!

Also got a bad phone call from the people doing our chores. They found our last old cow from the original starter herd died. Just a cow, but very sentimental and I am sad. I don't expect anyone to understand that, I just wish not everything has to keep changing.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/21/09 02:10 PM
Still talking to myself....
H purchased 2 trailer loads of fencing panels. He got home with the 2nd load while I was doing chores and came to share with me where he wanted to use specific panels. He had a plan. DID Y0U HEAR THAT? H had a plan for 'our' place. Nice! the only problem is how to rejuggle and cover the check.
I think I have to just keep trying to stay out of H's way while he journeys back.
Posted By: brandnewday Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/21/09 02:40 PM
A plan.............woohoo!!!!!
Posted By: MT35 Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/24/09 01:15 PM
Hey WC-
Just wanted to stop in and say Hi! Thanks for checking on me in the alt.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/27/09 01:43 PM
H had a rare outburst of rage at me in front of friends. He didn't like how I was doing something, grabbed things from me cussing and swearing and stomped around.
I waited a minute, and then told H I had offered and wanted for him to do it and he refused, and now I would accept his apology.
He stormed off muttering something.
I am totally humiliated at how he verbally attacked my ability, in front of friends too.

A little time passed and H was being very soft and drawing me into his conversations with the other people. After they left he asked about the unfinished projects I have in the works with a handyman. I have talked with H about it before, asked his input, got little response.

I wonder if H's verbal attack is his way of setting me back in my place and a release of his feelings of inadequacy. I am moving forward with those unfinished projects that H has left for years. I am trying to get things done as time and money permit, with or without H's help. I'm not letting his physical absence or lack of input prevent progess. There's just so much to do it looks like a cheeseless tunnel!

I am so hurt and angry. I couldn't talk without crying. I sent H an email, and told him that I realize he sets me up to fail and I've allowed it. I told him lot's of things in a short letter. I told him that he's probably right that we will never overcome our issues and challenges when his mind is so set against it. I told him I know he doesn't respect me enough in any aspect to apologize to me but I expect him to apologize to our friends for his outburst.

I don't expect a response. H will ignore until it goes away, that's his way of coping. I don't want to ignore again, and be ignored. H needs to man up.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/27/09 04:12 PM
(((WCW))) you can't get there until you get there, but I can say it is a pretty liberating feeling to finally be able to say I am ready to take the next big scary step and see what life has in store for me.

Only you can know when you are there
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/27/09 05:56 PM
you can't get there until you get there, but I can say it is a pretty liberating feeling to finally be able to say I am ready to take the next big scary step and see what life has in store for me.

I have to agree with this! And only you can say when it is time.
Posted By: WCW Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/27/09 09:11 PM
I'm not there. I'm not ready to do H's dirty work for him, I still have the attitude that if he wants out he can put the effort into getting the end rolling.
He sure showed his true cards in front of friends last night.

The circle of life - 2 new calves, so cute to watch!

Creed, are you reading? we should figure out where we can meet for coffee and apple pie sometime. \:\)
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: Forgive AND forget? - 04/27/09 09:52 PM
I didn't think you were there yet. When/if you get there, I think you will know.

New calves.... they are fun to watch!
Posted By: WCW Re: forget? - 05/01/09 07:10 PM
I keep wanting to say something but the words just don't come. Not that it really matters anyway if I say anything, or not.

Happy May Day.
Posted By: WCW Re: forget? - 05/04/09 02:43 PM
I had a good weekend horse camping, good therapy!
I came home and sold a horse to a new home.
A group of people came for help with their horses working cattle (those cows gotta earn their keep!).
Productive weekend.

Except when it comes to H. I am feeling so much anger and bitterness towards him I can't hide it again or anymore.
He won't talk.
What's next? Idunno.
Posted By: WCW Re: dancing with the stars - 05/05/09 01:28 AM
Vote for Ty Murray! champion bull rider really knows how to hang on to his partner! ;\)
Posted By: Jeff223 Re: forget? - 05/06/09 01:08 AM
I had a good weekend horse camping, good therapy!

What did the horse whisper to you? And what did you say back?
Posted By: amd Re: forget? - 05/08/09 02:34 AM
Posted By: WCW Re: forget? - 05/08/09 03:10 PM
Originally Posted By: Jeff223
I had a good weekend horse camping, good therapy!

What did the horse whisper to you? And what did you say back?
It's secret horse coded whispers communicated in ways that are undetectable to unhorsers. ;\)

amd, thanks.

I sent H a sizzling email after another episode of him making something so difficult that should have been so easy. H even told me I was 'exactly right' but jeesh why does he make it so hard to get along? and that's what I asked him. He accuses me of picking fights (bad vibes there because that's what he always said when ow was a new thing) so I called out HIS behavior. I added some other things, and in the end I BEGGED him to respond.
No response.
He did make comments the next day about some other emails, and I asked if he got mine also. Yes he did, and then he got so iterested in the weather report that he couldn't talk anymore.
There hasn't been time to bring it up again, I hope after this weekend of deadlines for H's millions of things to do for everyone else that I can approach him again.

Sometimes I wonder if H is trying in his own way and I have just lost my patience after this many years. Too little too late?
Sometimes I wonder if it's spring and I want to peel off the anchors of the past and fertilize my needs and wants and make my own ideas grow.
I blame H for robbing me of these last 5 years of living a real M. I blame him for robbing me of the last years of enjoying sex before menopause changed me. It brings me to tears to even type that.

I know it's me that has allowed this to continue, yet I can't change it. I was listening to my 9 year old gniece talk about her school picnic for the end of the school year. It brought back a flood of memories how much I dreaded those picnics. It took me away from my school desk and what became comfortable all year. I had to leave the safe desk and go to the picnic and find someone to play with. I hated it, I was usually the last one picked on a team when the kids did the picking even though I was very athletic and played well. I overcame that fear of being last when I made starting line up for the basketball team a year before anyone else in my class. Yet, it's so hard for me to make change and accept it.

When I told gniece I had to go home she asked why? I said because I had a lot to do around the ranch. She asked why H couldn't help with that? I was pretty surprised! but I just said "I don't know that answer."

I am more restless this year than in many, and I talk a good story yet I lack enthusiasm about anything. I feel so scatterbrained and I have a hard time keeping track of things. I have to drag myself to do anything, I want to just sit and do nothing but a busy life won't allow me to do that.
Maybe I just need more sunshine to recharge.
Posted By: WCW Re: forget? - 05/09/09 02:52 AM
Tonight I was giving lessons to a few people. One young girl was having trouble with her young horse and I said 'you have to reward them for the smallest try'. Such a big reminder to myself that I nearly stopped and shook my head at myself.
Posted By: BeingMe Re: forget? - 05/09/09 05:04 PM
I know how you feel about not regaining sex before menopause ... and now, I know how it feels to lose that plus the energy for sex, before my H finally wants it. Hope you never get to that point, WCW.

Take care.
Posted By: WCW Re: forget? - 05/11/09 02:48 PM
BM, thanks. H has varying views of how our sex life was depending on what day you ask him. One of his comments still stings, and maybe that is part of why it just doesn't feel important to try to seduce him anymore. I did notice him looking at my cleavage this weekend when my bathrobe came loose. Ooops, haha lol.

Put another notch in my belt if your keeping score or counting babysteps. H spent another night in our bed with me on his own accord. It's been over a month since we've had any physical touch of any kind after I quit hugging him when he had a very hurtful action one morning. This is the first time he came to me. Usually I've caved in and touched or hugged first but maybe I am finally done being hurt so many times and H can come to me.

The rest of the weekend went very well. H joined a lesson I was giving and helped out (took over) with it. The lady was having trouble getting her horse to go but then when it got scared and went she pulled back to stop the horse. It was very enlightening to hear H say over and over 'it has to be okay to go in order to be safe to stay'. Apply THAT to a MLC WAS.

H was also home enough to receive compliments from 2 different folks about what a nice place he has.
We also talked about some things that need to be worked on. I am getting help from a guy that is laid off. I asked about a certain project and said I'd like this guy to work on it unless H would have enough time. I didn't say it in a mean way, but it looked like H's face flinched with pain when I said it.

Seems I have to find balance between getting the things done and not hurting H's feelings. How do I do that when I've been waiting on some of these things for many years already? Proceed with caution I guess.
Posted By: WCW Re: forget? - 05/11/09 03:40 PM
A couple other things -
There was cookout at my parents on Sunday. I let H know about it, and he said he wasn't sure if he was going because he had been 'familied out' (he has been working ALOT on a project with the race team, which is MY family). On Sunday about 10:30am I had a lady come for a lesson, and H expressed that was odd because the cookout began at noon. I said I was going but just wouldn't get there at noon. I asked if he was going too. Note! I did NOT ask if he was coming with me. He said he was planning on coming with me and asked if that was okay! I said sure! you're always welcome. (another time I've been very glad I haven't spilled my guts to my family about H, I've been so close soooo many times)

This morning as I was grabbing a jacket to leave H walked into another room. That bugs me that he walks away when I'm leaving but I didn't say anything about that but I asked H about a package. It should have been mailed almost 2 weeks ago and he just said this weekend he was still carrying it around. I asked where it was and I would mail it today. H said it was on the seat of his truck. I said I would grab it, walked out and fed the dogs on my way. H nearly beat me to the door and asked if I had the package yet and then got it for me from his truck. I suppose I should be upset and furious thinking he is hiding something from me in his truck. Naw, it sucks but it's not worth the time and energy.
Posted By: WCW Re: forget? - 05/11/09 06:53 PM
Another babystep! H has included me in some funny emails. lol. FIB, dontcha love it!

Irritated - I took off work to come home and work on such a nice weather day. Didn't even get changed from town clothes to farm clothes and someone drove in already. How do they know????????????? ggrrrrrr
Posted By: WCW Re: forget? - 05/12/09 12:07 AM
Remember to vote for Ty Murray on Dancing With The Stars tonight!! go rodeo guy!
Posted By: WCW Re: star dancing - 05/13/09 01:37 PM
Another cowboy bites the dust.
Ty Murray is off the show.

I am so glad it is raining today so I can stay at work and rest instead of the harder work at home.
Posted By: WCW Re: star dancing - 05/13/09 08:38 PM
Well that was fun!
ow was cruising my work town today. I noticed a truck and I thought how odd it is coming out of a gas station that has been closed for months. Then I recognized the truck! It is the same make and model and size as mine but the color of H's. Imitation is the best form of flattery! haha
ow was coming from the other direction and reached the green light same time as I did, she was looking and looking and looking so I waved. Not just a hand raised wave. I wagged my whole arm back and forth to make dang sure she noticed! LOL
Gotta love it!

Seems like a good time to be winding down. I didn't get sick seeing ow and based on the responses here there's not much interest left in my sitch. But hey! thanks for the memories!
Posted By: kat727 Re: star dancing - 05/13/09 08:43 PM
I do try to keep up with you but haven't read your whole situation. People seem to be wrapped up in their own messes right now but hopefully things will calm down and they will be back to check on you.

Also remember a lot of graduations are going on now too. Don't give up. I laughed that you waved at OW!!

Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: star dancing - 05/13/09 09:32 PM
I keep an eye on you! But with your H's glacial pace, well, I don't post a whole lot!

I hope the baby steps are real, and that he's not just throwing treats to make himself feel better!
Posted By: Phoenix_spark Re: star dancing - 05/17/09 05:13 AM
You might have confused OW with the form with which you were waving. Showing her the back of your hand while waving, not nice! I do like the self confidence you were showing. I'll spend a little time reading up, but for now just work on the "friendly" wave, side to side motions are acceptable.

As I have been told in life, keep grinning, people will wonder what your up to. Did you think OW would fear you? Congrats, on the winning attitude. Claim what is yours.
Posted By: Phoenix_spark Re: star dancing - 05/17/09 05:15 AM
Hope WCW doesn't fall off her chair and hurt the other arm. No this isn't a mirage, old Phoenix_spark does lurk on these boards occasionally. Somebody go help WCW back up please.
Posted By: BeingMe Re: star dancing - 05/17/09 06:05 AM
Haha, Phoenix and WCW! I like the point you made by waving, WCW. That you so don't care that you would wave at someone who you know, however the connection may be.

Take care, y'all.
Posted By: Creed Re: star dancing - 05/17/09 10:58 AM

Don't you dare stop posting!

You know the old saying about the squeaky wheel gets the oil. It's the same here. LOL

You seem to be cruizing down the path quite well, waving as you go(snicker) That gave me a good chuckle. Wonder what she was thinking to herself as her jaw dropped down to her knees.
Posted By: Silver Fox Re: star dancing - 05/17/09 06:37 PM
I still read your thread WCW! Sorry for not posting much.
I've got alot going on too and not too may posters on my thread either.

Kudos on the wave. I wish I could wave to H's OW - only I think one of my fingers would have to stick out more than the others.
Posted By: amd Re: star dancing - 06/01/09 03:39 AM
I wish I could wave to H's OW - only I think one of my fingers would have to stick out more than the others.
I was thinking the same thing, SF!!! grin Love that wave, WCW. Love the attitude you have right now. Keep counting those babysteps--but don't forget to count the ones you take too!
Posted By: Phoenix_spark Re: star dancing - 06/03/09 03:02 PM
I agree, changes are made on both sides. Look at how you are both changing.
Posted By: WCW Re: star dancing - 06/05/09 02:12 PM
I have an issue I could use help with please.
Background - I have a full time career/job in town, and at home run a ranch/farm/livestock/merchandise/service business along with repair and maintanance on buildings, home, fences, barns, arenas, equipment, etc. H doesn't help too much and has his own business's that can keep him hopping.

I have people that help me out, some I outright pay and some I trade my help with their horses for them to help me with things.

My irritation is that people don't respect my time and my schedule. I usually let people tell me when they can come for help or to work, but when a time or day is set up I set that time aside for them and expect it to happen.

Last night I had -
one guy scheduled for fence work in the afteroon/early evening
one guy scheduled for spraying weeds afternoon/evening
one girl/father for lessons at 4pm
one lady for lessons at 6pm
one lady for lessons at 7pm

Except for 2, the rest canceled. I get so irritated and so very frustrated! I set aside MY time for THEM, and then I get stood up. Not only is it my time, but the work doesn't get done either. I have to reschedule the work and lessons and acommodate everyone time and time again.

How can I tactfully but politely tell folks how screwed I feel when they do this? Last night was just one example, but it happens at least weekly.
Do I have a 'no show' fee if they cancel?
Do I just say please respect my schedule and don't let it happen again?
Do I say screw you don't come back?

This frustration flows over into my attitude about the rest of my life too.
Posted By: Flicka Re: star dancing - 06/05/09 02:31 PM
Hey Cowgirl, I do not know what format you use for collecting pay for lessons, but I am assuming there are liability issues that are waived with some sort of a signed contract. Perhaps the price structure could include a lessons cancelled clause with amnesty for one, but pay for any others without two day notice... That would be fair and not unusual.

It is no good fuming. Some of your agreements are barter, but you are so creative, you could probably figure out ways to shame these other slackers into keeping their obligations. You do not have to be home or around for weed spraying, right?

Phoenix is missing you. He has even visited the lonely and pathetic hopefulness site looking for you. Take pity on him. He can calm you down!!
Posted By: Phoenix_spark Re: star dancing - 06/08/09 07:11 AM
No prob. I don't come on here to solve my problems anymore, I come on here to help old friends. WCW, you know how to get word to me. Flicka, have a nice day.
Posted By: WCW Re: on a wonderful day - 06/14/09 02:58 PM
No good fuming. lol

H is gone for a while. Minutes before he left he mentioned an idea he had for an improvement. Then he said if I was going to have anyone work on it he gave details how to do it. It is a great idea!
He also initiated a hug. woweee. First hug or almost any touch since April.

I have a full schedule as well as my own list of things of my own ideas to accomplish. In the old days when we were 'partners' I would put his ideas first and 'getrdone'. My limited time and resources now for projects only goes so far.

Now I'm wondering if I fall back into the trap of putting H and his ideas first, or add his projects to the list and do them in order, or let him detail and arrange his projects himself when he returns.

The real surprise here is that he shared an idea with me, he is doing that a little more often. Maybe just to pacify me and keep feeding me crumbs and using me while he keeps building his secret life. I just don't know and get very confused by my oscillating feelings.
Posted By: itsy Re: star dancing - 06/14/09 04:48 PM
Instate a no show policy this is how you make money and they need to respect your time and efforts. If they do not show charge them. People seem to think that if you work out of your home it's okay to show up late bring extra kids or no show at all. But you cannot make up that time or money ..it is very frustating in my business when I have a no show I don't make any money I am a hairdresser in a salon and I would gladley institued a no show policy. You cannot make up that time alloted for them and it is just plain rude for not respecting you. I let my clients know I DO NOT appreciate no shows. It's money and time out of my pocket. Set up a no show policy..
Posted By: WCW Re: dangling on a dropped rope - 06/19/09 06:00 PM
Thanks itsy. I will be posting a no show policy soon. The harder part will be enforcing it!

A little break from the old routine while H was gone was good for me. Maybe for H too, we actually had a hug when he arrived home and I jabbered on and on to fill him in on things he should know about. So I changed the homecoming routine too, and it seemed better than what it's been.

Feeling pretty frazzled about some things and pretty happy about other things. GAL is still extreme, takes my mind off the junk sometimes.
Posted By: kat727 Re: dangling on a dropped rope - 06/19/09 08:39 PM
When someone calls to make an appointment tell them you need their credit card information or x amount deposit. If they don't show the card get gets charged x amount or you get to retain the deposit. If they show no problem, apply the deposit towards their appointment.

Shaking things up and doing things even a tad bit different sounds good. keep it up.

Posted By: WCW living it - 07/02/09 03:46 AM
Too much fun to catch it all up but overall been good. I found a new way to travel, I pimp my truck and trailer. Yup, pay me enough and I'll take you anywhere! blush lol

I might finally be getting this detaching stuff too after all these years. I was driving within a few miles of where H claims he spends quite a few evenings and I didn't even feel like going the extra mile to check up on H.

I friend is having a lot of trouble with her H. She was crying about how bad her M is and her H is being so very mean and blaming her for everything. I kicked into DB talk to try and help her, while H listened. I had to leave while she talked to H more. Later H called and said that he told her that what I said was exactly right and he told her the same things too. My concern was more that H would be cranked at me for what I said but he agreed!

Two areas of my life I have not managed yet - weight control and house cleaning. Yuck.
Posted By: brandnewday Re: living it - 07/02/09 11:06 AM
Just stopping by to say hello
You really do sound alot more upbeat!

Hope you are having better weather then me, we have had non stop rain for over a week now...blech!!
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 07/04/09 02:35 PM
Thanks for stopping bnd. Hope your weather will turn better soon!

This morning 4 horses left, I stood with tears streaming down my face. H came and hugged me and comforted me.

Last night was also a first in over 15 years! Not only did H arrange for some hay to be delivered but he also got home before the hay arrived and was here to help put up every single bale!! It was wonderful to have him help and I have to be sure and verbalize my thanks again.

Last week while I was socializing at my family reunion H sat with my stepdad and cousins H and talked a long time. Last night some conversation with other people triggered H to remember something and he said 'don't let me forget to tell you about my talk with those guys, it has to do with trust'. Oh boy! what can that be???

Happy Birthday America!
Posted By: BeingMe Re: living it - 07/04/09 04:02 PM
Happy Independence Day, WCW! smile Your H seems to be acting a little more kinder and husband-ish!

Take care.
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 07/10/09 01:57 PM
Yes he does, in small streaks and doses!

This has been an extremely busy week at work and at home, definitely burning too many candles at both ends and too many irons in the fire. But, as of now it seems to all be coming together and flowing like it should. (That's so much better than a floating dead fish! wink )

In addition to all the crazy busy we also got in almost 3/4 of the yearly hay supply in the last 7 days. AND, once again H made the arrangements for the small bales that have to be handled by hand and was home to help with every single one. That's the first time in our history that has happened!

I guess mostly things are still plugging along slowly. That's okay with me because I have a lot of readjusting to do to MY lifestyle that I've developed over the last 5+ years living with a WAH/MLCr. I think the trail I and H are traveling is maybe okay.
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 07/14/09 04:10 PM
Is this a sign of the MLC fog lifting?
I am the chairperson of an event that recently was completed. The followup paperwork is horrendous and takes hours and hours and hours and hours to prepare and send in for validation to the National place. I've had help and have spent a couple of late nights with friends to get this done. H has made numerous comments about all the paperwork and how time consuming it is and if it's worth the effort and amount of paperwork to keep holding the event. What's funny about this is it was the same thing last year but he didn't notice or have a clue a year ago!

Trying to test the waters a bit with a little flirting with H without much positive results - yet. I'm sorta rusty in that department anyway! lol This whole ride has been on H's pace and not mine so I won't push too much - yet. I have my own indeciveness to deal with when it comes to intimacy with H again.

We helped some friends move to a new place. H seemed very charged and enthused, same when he helped with the event I chaired. A good side of H to see again!

We also had some business decisions that didn't work out the way H planned but it was in no way H's fault although he did all the work to make everything right again.

Things seem to be okay while I am too busy to dwell on H/R/M and what's not right yet. Hard to believe it's coming up on 6 years that he snapped out of the life we had together.
Posted By: amd Re: living it - 07/14/09 05:57 PM
Wow, WCW, this all sounds pretty good. It's the glimpses of our real H's that keep you and me both going, huh?

Keep riding, woman. Be well.
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 07/17/09 01:17 PM
Thanks amd!

I had the coolest time last night! I loaded up the trailer full of horses (well, almost full, it holds 6 and I only took 5) and met up with some other folks. We went to a nearby camp that hosts youths with physical and emotional handicaps and disabilities. We gave them all rides! Kids who never have been near a horse or been able to ride all got horse rides.
A couple of my dearest memories - one girl who never talks or makes noise or participates socially got help getting on my BIG horse and she chattered and was verbal the whole ride. At the end of the night we did one big group shot with the horses and all the kids. One boy who had vision difficulty stood by the head of my horse and gently petted the horses muzzle and then laid his cheek next to the horse and said 'thank you'.

Posted By: Andabelle Re: living it - 07/17/09 02:41 PM
WOW. It doesn't get any better than that!
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: living it - 07/17/09 03:22 PM
WCW, that was a good thing you did. I suppose you knew that!
Posted By: BeingMe Re: living it - 07/17/09 06:03 PM
Aw, that is so brilliant! Brought tears to my eyes. As wonderful a thing you did for those kids, I bet you got more out of it in seeing how they blossomed around your horses. grin
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 07/17/09 09:47 PM
It's called RAK's...random acts of kindness. It's those small things that we remember through life....like, George, the ice cream man, who let me pull the rope and ring the bells on the Good Humor truck. George.......I remember him.

Hugging a horse...goes a long way.

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 07/19/09 02:08 PM
Thanks Andabelle, VH, BM, FIB. I love being able to use my horses to bring joy to me and others.
FIB, thought of you the other day when I downloaded a desktop Easy button. lol

Yesterday one of my 'helpers' had her 15th birthday. I loaded up horses again and took her and 2 other girls on a trail ride along the State River, we rode out on the sand dunes, had a little lunch. She said it was the best birthday present she could ever get. Pretty cool!

On the H front - we get along, we do more things socially together, but I always feel he keeps me an arm length away. I wrestle to decide if I should initiate an R talk, take a pulse again. When the timing feels right...
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 07/21/09 06:17 PM
...send me that link....please.

Uh...R talk?????????? Think about that first...lest you hear what you don't want to hear.......and return to GO (do not collect $200)

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 07/23/09 03:13 PM
That link, yeah, so Easy even I could do it! ha!

R talk - my version doesn't necessarily mean sit down for hours and have a heart to heart. I know that rarely works with my H anymore. I do it in bits and pieces when the timing feels right. It seems he is better at 'releasing' bits and pieces and I do better at recovering from what he discloses. Time is still my friend.

Uh...R talk?????????? Think about that first...lest you hear what you don't want to hear.......and return to GO (do not collect $200)
after 6 years I am ready to hear and keep proceeding to get this part of my life and M behind me. Even if it means not staying together with H, and he knows that. He also knows that is not what I want. Either way, together or apart, I am in for a lot of tough stuff yet.

I had a brief flashback of rage while meeting with an insurance agent about problems with policies from when H was hurt and the transition from the policies being autopaid for us. It goes back to the darkest period for our M = 2004 - 2006, H has tried but unsuccessfully dealt with it and 3 years later has included me to help. There was a handwritten letter but it wasn't H's writing, although it was his signature. Slight panic disbelief rage when I thought it was ows writing, but then I realized it was the agent. How easy it still is to disbelieve!

What I think I need to concentrate on is the fact that these little things are works in progress and being taken care of and we discuss and address some of our issues. We also had some physical closeness. Yes, baby steps. wink
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 07/23/09 05:57 PM
OMG, I can hardly wipe the smile off my face!
I was waiting for mail to arrive that I need to include in paperwork for that event I had a couple weeks ago, the deadline to get it sent in is here!
H knew I was waiting, sent me a txt that it came today. I replied and asked if he was coming thru my work town today. He said he would run it in. It was lunch time when he got here. My coworkers encouraged me to ask him if he was taking me to lunch. I asked, H joked with me, and we went to lunch together. This is the first time in YEARS that we have lunched together. Sweet!

Brace myself for the big withdrawal from H now but they don't seem as bad as they were, OR it's just me dealing with it better.

Another thing I forgot to journal. I've been watching the calendar for marriage seminars. There was one nearby last weekend but I haven't felt it was right yet to ask H about attending something, probably just wishful thinking that I will ask. Turns out a guy from work went last weekend and was suprised when I knew the name of the event. He said he and his W went as a marriage refresher to be better communicators. He was shocked at the couples there in so much trouble. Good thing my H and I weren't there to surprise him even more! shocked LOL
Posted By: kat727 Re: living it - 07/23/09 06:10 PM
Oh, that does sound good. I would be happy too. Only you are going to know when it feels right, sadly no magic calander with the date suddenly appearing(darn). LOL

I am hoping the progress, even though gradual, continues.

Posted By: BeingMe Re: living it - 07/23/09 08:02 PM
How wonderful to go to lunch with your H, WCW. My H and I used to do that a lot when we worked close by, years ago. It was fun to try out all the little restaurants --- we lived in a much bigger city then, but now we're in a 80,000 population city and don't have the luxury of variety.

Anyway, I am glad he took you to lunch, and that he is including you in the insurance stuff. Hope he doesn't go into a withdrawal. Nice that he texted you when that letter you were waiting for arrived.

Take care.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 07/24/09 01:51 PM
Positive is better than negative. Lunch is better than no lunch. The opposite of love is indifference and I don't see that here. Only you can see your cowboy's face..hear his voice inflections....interpret his emotions.

If your intuition worked in your past, go with your gut.

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 07/27/09 04:43 PM
The opposite of love is indifference
There was years in the middle since this started and that is exactly how it seemed. H never asked - what I did, how I felt, where I went, what I was doing - I mean never. The things I got away with!!! wink

It seems to be coming back a piece at a time, we both spent the majority at home or together, folks stopping by, I saw him interact and smile a lot. We even formed a plan for next weekend already even though we are both going opposite directions. I think the guards and fences and brick walls are coming down...mine and his.

My problem - when do I trust again? not just if he is out having an affair. But if this is really happening or if he's just biding him time until his messy finances are back on track. Oh btw, I stopped asking earlier this year but he finally contributed towards the mortgage again this month.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: living it - 07/27/09 05:22 PM
Originally Posted By: WCW
Oh btw, I stopped asking earlier this year but he finally contributed towards the mortgage again this month.

wow, this is very interesting... I think if he was biding his time and plotting his get away he would not have done this. but what do I know?
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 07/28/09 10:39 PM
NNP, nice to see ya!
What do I know either?! crazy

Well, I do know that when H gets home very late it bothers me.
It also bothers me when he comes early and catches me off guard and throws my evening off track.
And, it bothers me that he comes and goes as he pleases without answering to anyone!
How's that for never being happy?
I just try and go with the flow, but we had bad storms last night and there was a physical job that required both H and I and it has to be timely. This morning as I was ready to leave for work H asks if I have time to help him. Maybe I shouldn't have or maybe it doesn't matter but I told him he should have made sure to get home early enough to do it last night, but then I did help him. H gave me a look, not sure but I read it as a sheepish look because I actually said something.

Anyway, while life is better there are tons of things that are not yet ok but I try to focus on what's good. What icon do I use for that? lol
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 07/30/09 10:33 PM
It's getting a little old listening to H crab about the quality of work I'm getting from the kids that hang around here to help me with stuff. I explained that if they can do it 95% right and I just go back and do the 5% left it still saves me time and it gets done. blah blah blah I guess it's another phase..........how.....many......more....???????

We go our different ways this weekend but both for horse stuff. A little break is good.

Maybe we need a Beer Summit. wink
Posted By: SweetRedd Re: living it - 08/02/09 03:26 AM
Beer summit? LOL Let me know how that works! Just stopping by to see how you're doing and to let you know that I'm thinking of you!

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 08/03/09 06:19 PM
Piglet? how are you? How nice to see a face from the past! laugh
How are you and your family? A little history for anyone reading - Piglet is one among us who 'made it'.

I figure if a Beer Summit works for the president maybe I should try it too!

We had a bit of a rocky Thursday night and Friday as H's horse came up lame and he had to figure something out and go to plan B. He said things placing the blame on me for his horse being lame. When I said how bad I felt about it (nearly crying I was)he said it wasn't my fault and he should have done things different.

Anyway, we each had our good weekends in separate states. I didn't place any higher than 2nd in this competition. 1st is always better but there were horses from at least 5 states and it was tough! Very proud of my mare!
H had a good learning weekend too and talked a lot about it. I hope H can teach those things to me too so I can make improvements as well.

I called H once to joke about the horrific traffic I had to get thru, and asked how the lame horse was. Later we had a txt convo that spanned the night and morning, then we each went silent until we were both back home.

What I noticed when I hugged H goodbye, he really totally honestly hugged back (with one arm). b-a-b-y-s-t-e-p-s that leave me wanting it all!
Posted By: SweetRedd Re: living it - 08/04/09 02:16 AM
Awww.. I'm sorry to hear about H's horse being lame. It sounds like he's softening? I recall grumbing and silence, not this man who backtracks and says it's not your fault. Baby steps smile I wish I could tell him how much life pride can steal away from a person! He clearly isn't going anywhere and I've never understood why he doesn't just give in and decide to be happy in your M!

We are doing well, thanks for asking smile Life has it's ups and downs, and we still have our issues, but we have them honestly now. J and I are about to start co-teaching a marriage class in our church. We are excited and scared at the same time. God has brought us farther than we deserve and we know he wants the same for others. I keep you in my prayers, WCW smile I remain amazed by your commitment and determination.

Keep up counting those baby steps!!
Posted By: amd Re: living it - 08/05/09 03:15 AM
Piglet, that is awesome news! Good for you!

WCW, I am TOTALLY in on the beer summit. smile

Be well, friend.
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 08/05/09 06:01 PM
Piglet, that is awesome news! Good for you!
I 2nd that! Keep the good stuff coming!

Hey, guess what! H and I were talking last night, about our weekend adventures again. He said he was embarrassed when one guy asked him why a horse as old as his wasn't better trained (remember this was the plan B horse when plan A horse came up lame). H has been riding and training some our horses ever since! More of the H I know returning.

I was telling him a story about my weekend and we got interupted by something. I didn't start back in after the interuption - BUT H ASKED ME ABOUT IT and I finished the story.

Someone called inquiring to buy H's truck. H said he would sell it, but then told me he wouldn't get approved for a loan on another one. This makes me so sad for him/us. We never had credit problems when we worked as partners.

More good things than bad lately, I'll take it!! grin
Posted By: BeingMe Re: living it - 08/05/09 08:25 PM
There does seem to be more of a crack opening up --- more so then before. Looking good! smile
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: living it - 08/05/09 10:13 PM

You patience and understanding continue to amaze me. At first, I think the baby steps might be a mirage, but they seem to keep coming!

Keep it up, cowgirl!
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 08/06/09 03:28 PM
Aw well, patience wears thin.

I locked H out of the house last night. It was 2am and no H, no contact from him where he might be. I got up and locked the front door. Left the back one unlocked but when he did arrive he chose to sleep outside somewhere rather than coming in where he knew I would know.

Earlier in the evening he txtd and called, but didn't happen to mention working late or whatever...

This morning I was just getting on the bike to leave for work and he strolled by, looked surprised to see me. He listened and waited for me to finish my phone call and then launched into coversation about day to day stuff and asked about my evening and said some things to IMPLY where he may have been but no outright offer saying where he was so late.

I don't feel anger, I don't feel sad, I feel strong for finally enforcing a boundary I have said to H that if he couldn't contact me about late night whereabouts then don't bother coming home. Right or wrong, I did it. Don't know what's next but I expect nothing more will come of this if I don't drive it. That's where I get confused now, do I ask him to explain where he was until 2am or just wait and see what his next action is?
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: living it - 08/06/09 05:21 PM
Tough nut to crack, is he!

It feels to me, from a long ways away, that he is comfortable with the status quo, and therefore is comfortable with you, as long as you seem to be accepting things as they are.

Enforcing the boundary was clearly a good thing. I do think you are right, though, if you don't follow up on it, it will just "go away". But what can you say that would be useful? He'll get defensive, make excuses, and most likely, lie. Then where are you? Grrrrr......
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 08/07/09 10:21 PM
Tuff nut alright!

Truth be told, I'm about as comfortable as H is with this status quo but I have bouts of arguing with myself and the need or want for passion and romance in my life. I think I'm still young enough that I don't want the rest of my years going by without simple hugs and kisses, and more.

So, the day after I locked H out life goes on as usual for us. H calls and asks me to do him a favor, H is home 'early' the next night, he is working with horses, he drops hints where he is, he calls again. For my H, this is swallowing his pride, this is reaching out. OR, is it just pacifying me? perspective I guess!

I also keep remembering that H told me he is shy. He was actually afraid to ask me to marry him. He said I said no the first time, and I didn't even know there was a first time!
Idunno, do I make it too hard or too easy?
I still feel an urge for R talk.
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: living it - 08/07/09 10:39 PM
Well, you know that usually the advice is no R talk. But I don't think your case is the usual, at this point.

You've been at this long enough, I have a feeling your little urges might be worth listening to. A little nudge on the situation might be a good thing. But, as you know, the response you get might not be the response you want, so you have to be ready for that, too!
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 08/07/09 11:08 PM
I'd like to think I'm ready for anything that H has left to throw at me but he is sure full of ............surprises!!

After 6 years of this I don't think it's usual either. Or is it?

Well, maybe this weekend we'll get a little time without interuptions. Wouldn't it be great to have make up sex? HAHA I am so funny! shocked grin laugh
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: living it - 08/07/09 11:10 PM

Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 08/11/09 03:16 PM
Hilarious. LOL.

WCW...hmmmm..you lock him out...then...SEX?

I'm flying out there. Will you lock me out too please?

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 08/12/09 04:10 PM
Hey FIB, I didn't say there was sex, I said it would be great to HAVE sex! Fly on out if you want but remember - no expectations! HAHA hilarious again!! grin laugh

Actually, I did ask H about sex, he declined. I asked him why, he said it was too hot. Now that I think about that more I should have asked him if he meant the temperature or ME!! Too hot to handle! yup, that's me!! Gosh, am I on a roll or what!!

That was about the extent of the R talk, other than he said he has no plans. He wouldn't say what he didn't have plans about. See how confused we are? jeesh

H has honored my 'boundary' since he got locked out. If he has been gone late in the evenings he is in communication with me.
He also encouraged and accepted an invitation for us to get together with friends. I wish he would have showed up.
He is home to ride more, working with our horses. I wish he wouldn't be so crabby when I ride and he offers advice.
He received a horse in for training. I wish he would have told me before the horse showed up.

Is the glass half empty or half full?

I need to find a way to release my frustrations and anger, it's building and ready to blow!
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 08/15/09 03:56 AM
How nice the weekend kicked in to full swing tonight. We had a big crowd complete with cowboy singer. Some of the ladies I traveled with to a show a few weeks back started talking about a guy that was at the show, how we all agreed what a nice package he was, I talked about his horses and his barn and his W, and by that time H got up and walked away. ?? Does he think I just go crawl in a corner when he's not around and won't come with me? huh!

H even opted out of some work tonight to come home and be part of the festivities. Now he has to be out the door before the crack of dawn to make it up.

Nice plans for the rest of the weekend coming up. My 26 year old horse goes back to the show ring to help a young rider improve. He's raised dozens of kids already but he does love the pampering.

Embrace and Enjoy!
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 08/16/09 08:22 PM
My horse went Grand Champion at the show with his young rider! Not bad for a 26 year old horse that is semi retired from the show ring!

My nephew finished top 5 in the Big Feature stock car race. Running top 5 in point standings for the season.

I was still buzzing high from the great day well after midnight. H was on the couch with all the lights on. I asked if he wanted to come to bed. He did. Stayed the rest of the night.

H hung around and talked while I was painting fence this morning. Then he went to give a 4H clinic today, teaching them how to handle lariats.

The bridge is out across our creek, H offered me a hand as I was crossing on the stones. I blew it and missed my chance to fall into his arms! Dang!

He is more and more the guy I've always believed is still deep inside of him. I just don't know how to wake up the passion and romance and confidence in each other we are still lacking.
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 08/16/09 08:34 PM
Number of my posts and the reads on this thread are the same number. That can only happen once! haha
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 08/16/09 08:36 PM
Magic numbers. I hope! grin
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: living it - 08/16/09 08:37 PM
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 08/19/09 03:00 PM
I love my dogs.
4am - Old Faithful Dog barks at the back door, I get up to let him out.
4:30am - OFD barks at back door, I get up to let him back in.
4:31am - OFD barks in living room to let me know Surfer Dog is now laying in OFD's spot.
4:32am - I go rearrange the dogs to their proper spots. H mumbles something from the couch. I go back to bed.
4:34am - Surfer Dog moves to lay in the hallway
4:35am - H walks down hallway to use the bathroom and mumbles about black dog laying in dark hallway and can't see him.
4:36am - H stops and looks out window and talks about the clear sky and bright stars. I tell him if he doesn't want to trip over the dog again then just come to bed instead of going back to couch.
4:36 1/2 am - H is in bed with me. smile

Lately if I've 'read' H right and mentioned to H about sleeping in bed he seems willing to be there. Yet, as much as I want to blurt out something about "just stop the couch crap and sleep in bed like a real H" I clam up instead. Can't quite bring myself to put myself out there again and face rejection again.
Posted By: kat727 Re: living it - 08/19/09 03:40 PM
Sometimes God works through man's(and woman's) most faithful companion! Can't beat that. wink

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 08/21/09 10:55 PM
It's county fair time. I didn't even ask H to go with me, cheeseless tunnel, although we used to spend hours walking around hand in hand and socializing.
I had a good time on my own but I missed being with the old H.
I missed sharing a haystack of onion rings while we looked to see if our entries won any ribbons.
I guess the positives are that I could see what I wanted when I wanted.
The entertainment was fantastic!
I didn't reach out to anyone to go with me or meet me at the fair this year, usually I do. No one reached out to me either. That stings a little.
The real sting was coming home and H would hardly take his eyes off the hunting video to say hi. I tried to be chipper and engage him, nothing.
I am tired of wanting something simple and getting rejection.
I told H this morning that even though he thinks I am despicable and repulsive and I am used to it it still hurts.
He said what are you talking about?
Then texts me today about fair stuff.
How do I break the cycle and get off the merrygoround?

Showing my horse this weekend. If it's a super big show and I beat the pants off of everyone else I could finish a title on my mare but I don't think it will happen. That bites too because it would be within easy reach if I hadn't allowed H to control me with financial fear earlier this year and I missed a show.

Okiedokie, pity party over. Let the weekend rooollll!!!!
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: living it - 08/28/09 12:45 PM
Couldn't come to DB without posting on your thread and giving you a hug (((WCW))). How goes it?
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 08/29/09 04:33 AM
...I was waiting for you to type that H laid in the hallway near the bathroom and the dogs came upstairs to keep you warm under the stars....

Posted By: a new 2moro Re: living it - 08/29/09 06:47 PM
what kind of showing do you do?
Posted By: kat727 Re: living it - 08/31/09 05:02 PM
Are the dogs still helping you out? wink

Posted By: BeingMe Re: living it - 08/31/09 05:21 PM
How do I break the cycle and get off the merrygoround?

You know what to do, but you don't seem ready for it. Okay .... I'm going to go for the 2x4 here. I get the impression that you are still hanging on to the old H and hoping he'll come back. The present H is nice to you sometimes (usually when he thinks there's a possibility of your kicking him to the curb at last, IMHO), but mostly ignores you, and does his own thing, not to mention sleeping on the couch. You have no idea where he goes most of the time or if he's keeping a second place and just sleeping at yours to keep ownership. And, for you, it is nice to have the odd bit of help, and the occasional back rub (as rare as those are).

You have been on the merry-go-round for 5 years. If you want to stop it, you're going to have to get off of it and let him continue on with this madness on his own. I get the impression that he knows what he's doing to you, but chooses to allow you this hurt.

At this point, I think you should check your legal rights (if you haven't already) and start the D proceedings. Time ain't stopping for you or anyone else so I would get my life moving on if I were you.

You know I say all this will love, doncha! smile
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 09/01/09 12:38 PM
Powerful post Being Me. I love WCW. She has supported me throughout; hugged me when needed; crushed my cajones when needed too. It comes down to what we talked about WCW: what makes you happy? Do you enjoy living in limbo? Are you still afraid of the choice to file? FIB
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 09/03/09 03:51 AM
NNP, thanks and nice to see ya back.

an2, I do anything in a western saddle. My mare has won a ton of local area awards but I've never gone for anything national. I've decided she deserves a national title....so we're on the road to hit the shows!

kat, gotta love the dogs! A couple Sundays ago H and I were talking after I got home from a show. We ended spending a couple hours together giving Dear Old Dog a bath and grooming. There's a first for us!

BM, that's not a 2x4, that's just calling it the way you see it. You see it pretty correct. Except you didn't mention anything about the changes there have been from H and you focused on what's wrong and none of what's right.

If I was to file based on all the wrongs H has done I should have done that long ago. It's still possible that I will tire of waiting and counting baby steps, but it is my choice of when or if I follow that well worn trail.

I have been pressing H for more - more answers, more talk, more financial answers, more socializing, more help. I said some pretty ugly things one night when more financial crap set me off. Sometimes he shuts down, sometimes he is more receptive. He says he has no plan. He says his only plan is nothing different. Someone posted to me long ago that I need to show or tell H what I want, not expect that he should know. I am doing more of that, and you can make a safe bet that H does not like it when I point out how he treats me different. Then he makes a slight change. Our whole time together has always been that my idea is at first rejected and then after time it becomes his idea and then it's a good idea!

FIB, thanks, that was very sweet! Do I enjoy limbo? heck no! but define limbo for me? I know H isn't going anywhere. I know he's more involved here this year than previous years. I know he holds grudges inside for a long time and he thinks I did horrible things to him when I first learned of ow. (no regrets by me for anything I did!) Is this still limbo as it was or do I have a direction but need more clarity?

Am I afraid to file? I don't think I am afraid. The word dread seems more appropriate and I don't want to drive the D wagon.

Something about me really bugs me. I hate how my body looks. I saw myself in videos when we took horses to a birthday party and gave rides. I can't believe that is me! I don't feel that fat! I can't be that obese! but the pictures don't lie. Yet it seems like the only time I can diet is in between meals.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: living it - 09/03/09 02:19 PM
WCW, no one is trying to rush you. You and only you have to live with your decisions.

Believe it or not I recently lost someone who I thought was a very good friend. Seems she does not feel I am moving along quickly enough with my D. She feels I should have been done with H the minute I found out about the A. She feels.... blah blah, I finally had to admit to myself that she does not have my best interests in mind. sorry there I go off on a tangent, oops
Posted By: BeingMe Re: living it - 09/03/09 05:13 PM
Yes, I am calling it as I see it. Lookit, we can only perceive from our very limited vision here on the bb. You appear to defend your H's trifling improvements, but I see a dear friend (allbeit a virtual one) frittling away her life on a man who doesn't seem to care that much. If he did, he would man up and do the right thing, and have done that a long time ago. From my perception, your H makes baby steps, then retreats. He's been doing this for a long time. This is like a see-saw (since we like playground analogies 'round here) ... up 'n down, up 'n down!

I don't mention the good because they are so limited. And he is still not "home". All those li'l baby steps have gotten him nowhere near it or so it seems, IMHO.

I surely don't expect you to take my advice. I only give it out for you to maybe see what I see (again, limited to what you say on the bb), a different point of view. We sometimes get ourselves into a rut, and need a prod to get out of it before we get used to it. Perhaps, if he was presented with the reality of S and D, he might get his head out of his b*tt. But then maybe he won't. Depends on what you're willing to risk. Have you gotten so used to this rut, that you won't risk it to get free from it?

From the pics I've seen, you look dash-darned fine to me, and you are so pretty. I envy your hair. You must have strong core muscles from all the riding you do.

Anyway, from my experience, life does not slow down for anyone to wait for spouses to sort themselves out. It shoves you relentlessly from behind, and you gotta live it or it will live you.

Take care.
Posted By: BeingMe Re: living it - 09/03/09 05:23 PM
Anyway, from my experience, life does not slow down for anyone to wait for spouses to sort themselves out. It shoves you relentlessly from behind, and you gotta live it or it will live you.

I am still learning this lesson, but getting there. grin
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 09/03/09 05:26 PM
Define limbo?

limbo 1
pl -bos
1. (often cap) RC Church (formerly) the supposed region intermediate between heaven and hell for the unbaptized
2. in limbo not knowing the result or next stage of something and powerless to influence it [Medieval Latin in limbo on the border (of hell)]

WCW....all I know is that you are NOT happy in the relationship. It does not fulfill you. Your LL's are not being filled. You yearn for this man to love you...to ML to you...yet....it doesn't happen.

Will you wake up one day and look at that 2005 year registration and regret having met someone who WILL love you the way you are? It's been a LONG TIME for you. FIB
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 09/03/09 05:28 PM
PS....I Like BM's posts. FIB
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 09/04/09 02:19 AM
BM and FIB, did you get a new mission from the Starship? Your mission, if you choose to accept it, talk WCW into filing for a D. Do ya get a bonus upon completion? eek

In all seriousness, I guess I am pretty dense to not see what you see about me. You are focusing on just the unnormal R with H and not the whole picture. I am not living my whole life in limbo, although the portion that includes H is certainly not what I'd like it to be. Exclude that part and I've felt pretty good about most of the rest of it. Even the part with H has improved relative to what it used to be. I won't detail all the good parts because if you know me good enough to encourage me to file then you should already know the parts of my life that I love so much and make me happy.

You're all thinking I am a doormat while I've been thinking of myself as the rock.
Posted By: BeingMe Re: living it - 09/04/09 04:46 AM
I've never thought you a doormat, WCW ... if I had, I woulda said so! wink Rather, you are stalwart and courageous, and I wondered if it was time for a shake-up (something you said just made me think that). But, only you can say when that will be necessary or needed. I am just giving you ideas, points of view, and now I will back away slowly.
Posted By: BeingMe Re: living it - 09/04/09 05:07 AM
It was in this post that I thought you were asking for something ... not sure what ... advice, ideas? Sorry, if I saw it wrong. You also seemed despondent.

Take care.


It's county fair time. I didn't even ask H to go with me, cheeseless tunnel, although we used to spend hours walking around hand in hand and socializing.
I had a good time on my own but I missed being with the old H.
I missed sharing a haystack of onion rings while we looked to see if our entries won any ribbons.
I guess the positives are that I could see what I wanted when I wanted.
The entertainment was fantastic!
I didn't reach out to anyone to go with me or meet me at the fair this year, usually I do. No one reached out to me either. That stings a little.
The real sting was coming home and H would hardly take his eyes off the hunting video to say hi. I tried to be chipper and engage him, nothing.
I am tired of wanting something simple and getting rejection.
I told H this morning that even though he thinks I am despicable and repulsive and I am used to it it still hurts.
He said what are you talking about?
Then texts me today about fair stuff.
How do I break the cycle and get off the merrygoround?

Showing my horse this weekend. If it's a super big show and I beat the pants off of everyone else I could finish a title on my mare but I don't think it will happen. That bites too because it would be within easy reach if I hadn't allowed H to control me with financial fear earlier this year and I missed a show.

Okiedokie, pity party over. Let the weekend rooollll!!!!
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 09/04/09 02:14 PM
Not encouraging you to file WCW...nor have I implied that you are a doormat. I just read constant negativity in the posts I've read.

Filing is hell. I am the 'anti-matter' here. I filed on a divorcebusting site. I don't recommend it AT ALL if there is hope...REAL hope. Not implying you but there is too much denial and fear here....too much loss of life and time.

I am only saying what I have said to you live....do what makes YOU happy. If staying like this fulfills you; if you are happy living with this man..if you knew you only had 6 months to live and you could say, yeah...this is where I want to be....then .....

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 09/05/09 03:25 AM
Tonight I was all settled in for the evening with the dogs and enjoying the campfire and full moon. H drives in to pick me up and go to town for ice cream.

BM, have you made it past the 'good friend' stage with your H?

FIB - 6 months to live? I'd be on the road with my horse to ride in each of states of the US. It's on my bucket list.

I heard a good quote today -
Life is managed, not cured.
Posted By: BeingMe Re: living it - 09/05/09 04:49 AM
BM, have you made it past the 'good friend' stage with your H?

If 'best friend' is past the stage of 'good friend', then I guess I have. There is no intimacy, but there is caring. He does care deeply about me, and the struggle with my health. He is very sympathetic and does all he can to make life easier for me. There was no romantic epiphany when we found out about the tumour ---- no "omigod, you could die, and I love you so much". By then, I had already accepted our R for what it was.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should've left 5 years ago when I discovered the EA. Perhaps, I might've had more passion and excitement in my life by now, rather than this constant reminder of what might've been. But, I am satisfied with my choice now. I spent at least 3 years waiting and hoping for some change, but eventually in the last 2 years I found acceptance and a measure of happiness within myself. I just take things as they are. We are family no matter what.

Our sitches are different really, except we have stuck to it for five years. smile

Love that quote --- I think I heard Dr. Phil say it. grin
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 09/07/09 02:04 PM
BM, I wonder if our sitches are so different as you think. We seem to be in about the same place, both wanting more from our H's than they are giving. I've not settled yet though, I'm still pursuing life with H to a fuller R. Maybe I'll get there, maybe I won't, and I'll deal with it when I feel the time is right. When I don't have the gut feeling H has more to give.

Something coming more from H is his opinion on things again. It's good but hard to adjust after I've been doing things 'my way' for so long in his absence. He's got great ideas though! I have to be careful I don't fall back into the rut of running myself ragged trying to accomplish every one of his ideas.

I want more weekends like this. Not just the extra day, but the weather and the work we've got done! We worked on some that have been waiting for 5 years....
Posted By: kat727 Re: living it - 09/08/09 04:30 PM
Thinking of you. Glad you had a good and productive weekend.

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 09/11/09 12:22 AM
Thanks kat. smile How are you?

I know my life and my R with H is far far far from perfect, but after hearing stories from other women in the last few days/weeks my sitch feels like a pretty lush pasture!

I don't wanna be man bashing but is there really such a thing as a good ol' normal kind a guy anymore anywhere? jeesh!!

Off topic but another irritaion - for anyone looking for a job - be interview ready when you fill out an application! Don't show up in cutoffs and muscle shirts or spaghetti strap shirts with your boobs and tattoos hanging out. eek
Posted By: kat727 Re: living it - 09/11/09 12:50 AM
I am doing pretty good thanks. Last weekend was really relaxing, didn't do much but isn't that what we are supposed to do? lol My oldest two are having their birthdays next Friday and the following Monday so I am gearing(resting) up for that very full weekend. Boy time flies when you are having fun!

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 09/11/09 01:14 AM
Remember being young enough to look forward to birthdays! weeeeee!!!!!
I bet you'll make it plenty special for them!
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 09/13/09 01:56 PM
It's officially over - race season! My nephew had a good season overall. At one point about 6 weeks back he got wrecked and the car was 'totaled'. He was so disgusted that he was ready to throw in the towel and quit. The team pulled together and were able to fix it and he came back stronger than ever! Last night in a 40 lap special with a huge payout he finished 2nd! Awesome.

H is hopping around with cell phone carriers/plans again, trying to cut costs. I have offered him my discount thru work before but he would never take it, then I was contacted by my carrier and they were able to put it on H's account too. I told H, and said I had no knowledge of his private info! Now he may stay with his carrier. I did say the best way to save money would be for both of us to share a family plan again. The seed is planted but he's not ready yet. I have been after him to help me with the mortgage more than he has, only twice this year. H just won't manage his finances and will only pay the squeaky wheel after he pays and plays himself first.

H did me a big favor to help troubleshoot my internet service. I was plentiful with WOA for H. Better now but not okay and a technician is supposed to call for service.

Some friends of our bought a new place a few months ago, they're just 5 minutes from us now. We helped them move in. They had a bonfire the other night, I had told H about it and he wanted to go. They also told me they made a special call to H to give him a personal invite, so I am real glad I had already told H.

These friends are also builing a small barn to move their horses to their place. I've gone to help, and I'm the only female there with all the guys. All the other wives are shopping or playing somewhere else. Why is that? why don't women help more? I don't get it! Yesterday was a tough day but we got all the steel on the sides and on the roof. I got hugs when I left! smile

Today I have a friend coming to talk. I got this email from her, she has had a real tough summer in her M. I'm not quite sure how to handle all this, there is a lot of stuff buried in her words.

I am writing to number one apologize for my behavior this past summer. I have been very selfish and cruel. It is my fault for laying my life out on my sleeve and getting everyone involved with my life's problems. I have taken advantage of you and I am very disappointed with myself. I want to settle up with you. I would like to get (horse) closer to home. I need to get back in touch with (horse). But for right now, the bills are screaming at me, and I need to cut costs.It is extra money I need to make to catch up with the medical bills for myself, (her H) and all I need for to take care of (horse).You are a very busy person and do not need to be burdened with me. The fears I face today are not all horse related. It is my self esteem and other personal problems that I battle today.

I have made a fool out of myself and I am very disappointed in myself for causing so many people so many problems and stress. Not only have I taken advantage of you, but (horse club) has too.

When would be a good time to talk with you and to come over to see (horse).I would like to come Sunday to see (horse), after Church, for a while. Yes, I will be there.

Thank you.
Posted By: BeingMe Re: living it - 09/13/09 06:41 PM
Hi WCW! Just gotta listen to friend and go with your gut. But, you probably know that. smile
Posted By: brandnewday Re: living it - 09/14/09 11:06 AM
Hi WCW.....

Just catching up on some threads as I don't really have time anymore to post much.

Kids are all back in school and I am keeping busy.

I caught your last post, the letter from your friend.

I think it takes alot of humility for someone to actually apologize like that, and for me, personally, alot of grace needs to be given in return.

I recently received a very long email from one of my step-mothers, (My dad is on wife #4). It was also an apology, but very heartfelt. I don't think anyone can fake those type of words.

I still don't trust her, but I am willing to forgive her and help her to heal.

Glad you are enjoying your wonderful horses, and that your Husband is still taking steps forwards.

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 09/15/09 03:02 AM
Thanks ladies, the talk with friend went okay. She and her H are in couples therapy and individual counseling. She is recreating who she is after living in an abusive R with a manic depressive. She sounds like she's on the right trail.

On another note, it's a long story, but H and I traded cell phones today. We should both end up saving some money each month but still on our separate plans. One small step for coworking on financials...
Posted By: Between Tears Re: living it - 09/15/09 03:16 AM

Whoa.... you won't believe what went through my mind when I read you and H had traded phones.... LOL. I even dropped a chip down my shirt as I sat up to re-read what you had posted.

Okay, so you traded phones, but not numbers right? I was thinking now you were going to get his calls, and he, yours... and what a mess that would be.

Okay, I'm still wondering how do you save money by trading phones? I'm all ears now... I'm into the saving money thing, but of course, I have a family plan with the two kids.... and they are expensive little buggers too!
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 09/16/09 10:05 PM
Aw, I hope you didn't lose a good chip!
Yes, we traded phones but not numbers.
There's been a glitch now as putting it all into place isn't working out the way customer support suggested it would.
H likes all the most up to date trinkets and phones but he was still in contract and couldn't upgrade without paying a bunch of money. I am out of contract.
So, he got a new phone with all the bells and whistles and modem capable for internet. He took my old plain phone to fulfill his contract and then he could switch numbers and cancel that 2nd line after 30 days. I got his old phone which is modem capable for internet. I could upgrade my plan, add the modem option, cancel my satellite internet, and save about $30 a month that way.
We spent a couple hours at the store and got it all switched around, H's options don't work! I don't understand it all and not sure how we'll end up yet. We may end up undoing it or changing it all around again.
Cell phone are frustrating and NOT friendly! Plus, I stupidly left my 'connection to the world' at work on the charger today so I feel sorta naked tonight!

BM, I assume you are on a family plan? do you check regularly for new options or bundles from various companies? everyone wants your business!

Still having fantastic weather! Upcoming GAL = horse camping, out of state show, clinic. H heard me on the phone with a friend about our schedule conflicts for an upcoming weekend. He offered that he would not be hunting that weekend and I could plan accordingly. He said he doesn't want to spend the money for the hunting trip. Hmm, it would sure be great if he would stop spending more often!

Gotta go drag home a load of hay.
Posted By: Between Tears Re: living it - 09/17/09 03:08 AM

Naw, didn't loose the chip, it landed exactly where everything else lands when I miss my mouth.... I swear I don't have a shirt without a stain in the same spot... =D

Cell phones are frustrating, especially when you can't afford the bill, oops! Did I say that out loud. I feel like I'm alone all of a sudden. It's going to be several weeks before I can afford to pay this last bill off.... I am looking for more work, or another job, because the job I have is not allowing me the freedom I once had with the other one. Yes, I do check frequently for upgrades and changes from the company I have now... which also happens to be the only one with coverage in town here..... think very rural.... deep in the sticks.

I'm glad you are having great weather, and horse camping sounds marvelous! The shows thing is just too stressful for me, even the small town thing for farm animals, I'm just not able to do it again, just not yet.

Hmmm, giving up hunting, now that sounds familiar... Dick gave up hunting too, after being an avid hunter all his life. Says venison taste nasty, when he'd 24/7 before. He said no sense killing something I'm not going to eat. I sure do miss the pheasant...

I bet hay is getting expensive, I don't envy you that detail at all. I loved cutting hay, it was a great smell, something I looked forward to. Getting it bailed before the rain was a pain from time to time, but that is another thing I truly miss about the farm.

Have a great weekend!
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 09/18/09 01:28 PM
I get the rural part of cell phones, or internet, or fancy tv....any of the cheap specials aren't availabe in my corn field! I wish H and I could share a cell plan and save a bunch of money that way but it won't happen this time around. I always knew he was selfish but he can be a real jerk about it too!

H was a hunter before we got together (he says), then moving to this state was such a change he didn't care for it much and gradually dwindled to not at all. The last 3 to 4 years he picked it up again and is very avid again, locally and on trips. I am glad this time he canceled a costly trip, acknowledged he didn't have the money, and it was to accommodate my schedule too. I think that's a ......(drum roll)....baby step! wink

I do wonder what the heck I would do with all my time if I didn't have the land and livestock. I guess after my town work hours I'd have to find hobbies! What would it be like to not work and work and work? But I do love it here and I think I have an allergy to concrete and neighbors. grin
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 09/22/09 10:02 PM
I was horse camping this weekend and had a GREAT time! Also heard stories of another M biting the dust, 20+ years and the 40something H moved out of the bedroom and stayed out in the bars, then started going home with ow 2 or 3 times a week. Maybe that isn't the correct sequence of events. sigh

I remember a few years ago H and I were in a restauraunt and the waitress ended up talking about her deadbeat boyfriend. I asked why she stayed with him, she was surprised I asked and said 'well, at least he doesn't beat me.'

I always think of that story when I compare my H to other H's. At least he doesn't...
We have such a long ways to go yet to have a real R.
We have another anniversary in a few days.

A friend stopped in to pick some of my wonderful apples while I was not home. I talked to her the next day and she said she talked to H and asked him how he and I were doing. He told her we were doing good. I suppose, what else would he tell her? - how about this - 5 years ago I started sleeping on the couch while I was hooked up with ow and looking for my own place, and now it's so comfortable that I'm still there.

H calls me a few times during the week. Sometimes to ask me to do something, sometimes to share information. I am grateful for the contact, but I am mixed about his requests of me. I want to be more than a gopher or checkbook to pick supplies. Yet it is a connection coming back between us and I think I have to keep my mindset as such.

Then I did something today I haven't done in a long time. I heard a 'trigger' song on the radio and acted on impulse and I called H. Left a voicemail with a little bit of a mushy message saying remember when....? H won't make any acknowledgement of my message, no expectations there!

If I ask for a hug H will hug back but usually have something to say that he is late and has to go. That is still an improvement over the 'hug a tree' or limp fish he gave for so long.
I really am feeling like I've gotten so used to this stage we are in that I don't even realize how comfortable I am now by going without the fairy tale I had. I suppose I need to figure out what steps to take if any? but first I have to finish the show and trailride/camping season. shocked wink

It finally quit pouring outside, guess I better get to work!
Posted By: Between Tears Re: living it - 09/23/09 01:18 AM

I just don't know honey.... I've seen many marriages with no more than you have today, and they keep on plugging on, sad but true.

Is it our expectations that have us feeling glum when we don't have the fairytale?

Do men and women really belong together for life? Or is it just proof our Creator has a warped sense of humor?

Acknowledging the fact the only thing you (or I) have control over, is how we accept our life and those around us, means you can't just wiggle your nose and blink your eyes and have him change back to the man in the fairytale.....

I guess it's time for you to focus on the blessings you do have in your life.

Okay, so things aren't perfect, but he thinks things are okay.... he's not slinging mud at you while talking to your friends.

You've got the GAL down, and you seem to enjoy all that you have within it. Sure it's lonely, but the good thing, you are busy!

He did give up that hunting trip.... okay, mixed feelings, but you are cool with it.

He is in contact with you, and sure it may feel like your a gopher, however, maybe it was just an excuse to reach out to you.... he just hasn't realized it yet.

He's still there and at least he doesn't beat you..... argh, can you believe that poor woman thought that! Yikes!
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 09/24/09 09:26 PM
I think there is a book - Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. I had it once, I should check it out at the library again. sigh. I guess mostly I just blabber here as a way to release. H has made enough of a comeback that I'm not intending to run away now. I just hope it's not a trick.

Last night we had a meeting to attend. We went separate, H arrived first, and when I walked in I sat by some other friends. At the end of the night I was at the door ready to leave and was stopped by someone to talk, H saw that and quickly gathered his things to get to the door too. Then another friend joked to H how we were just like her and her H, show up separate and don't sit together. A few minutes later H walked out with me and loudly invited me to stop for a bite to eat with him before we drove home.

Here's some 'it don't matter' snooping, sort of! Remember I have H's old phone. In it is all of H's contacts. That includes ow too. What I've just figured out is that when I pull up someone from the contacts log it shows the last time there was a connection to that number. There is no history for ow. Sure H could have deleted it but he didn't delete other stuff. Sure there is plenty other ways to make contact so I won't fall into a false sense of security. My gut has said for quite a while the ow is not a threat. Yet H won't reengage to our M, that's the frustrating part. blah blah blah! tired
Posted By: Between Tears Re: living it - 09/24/09 11:53 PM


Hey, if he was going to the point of deleting ow's history, he would of deleted the number too.... he didn't, so I would believe there hasn't been any contact, well, at least with the phone. He has kept the number, so there's a safety net, but no contact, sounds typical of someone a drift in life.

Naw, I don't think she really was a threat, at any time, but something I learned along the way, we, the LBS' make more of the OW/OM than there ever really is within the relationship with the wayward spouse. Even though Dick married Jane, their marriage isn't what I'd call based on love, respect, or even have a bond. It's new cars and splitting the mortgage, lots of time in court, yes, both sides, arguing about child support and parenting.... they belong together, for it has no depth.

Now, did you enjoy that bite to eat? Did you have a nice conversation?

The reason he hasn't engaged in your marriage yet, is because he hasn't fully dislodged his head from his *** oops! It's not time yet, he hasn't fully connected the dots nor has he completed the picture....

Patience my dear..... patience.

EEEEwwweee... don't you hate that word!

Blessing, and enjoy the small moments.
Posted By: SweetRedd Re: living it - 09/27/09 04:42 AM
LOL.. hasn't fully dislodged his head. I think that might be the best explanation yet!

Hi Friend smile It sounds like you're in a good place right now emotionally. Your H really has been moving towards you in baby steps. I remember when you would get nervous about how he'd act the next time you saw him and that endless cold shoulder of his. Then he didn't treat you as a friend. I think you have a friend nowadays. Your H is clinging to his independence. Why do you think that is? Do you think he's gradually moved into a stage of life where he's just comfortable with what he has because what he wants seems so hard to strive for? For instance.. maybe he likes the peace and comfort of your R and believes that getting closer would require revisiting the past or "working" on the R? I continue to wonder if he's in a "male menopause" and having issues that his pride won't allow him to reveal to you. It's easier to push you away than to feel like less of a man to you. Yes, pure speculation! Pride, shame, fear, fatigue.. all can keep us stuck.

Have you been acting as if? Is there a wall of unspoken stuff between ya'll? As much as you can predict his actions, rejection, ets.. I bet he can predict yours too. What would happen if you arrived at a meeting and went to sit by him acting like it's no big deal? What if you started seeking him out as your husband? Do you think he'd revert back to his former rejections and withdraw?

How's the weather there? Is it getting chilly? We've had TONS of rain here. The boys have played half their soccer and football games in the rain. Nothing smells better than a couple of wet, sweaty boys! lol Did I tell you we moved into a bigger house last Jan? More room, more cleaning smile We love it though! And the best news for last.. J and I are gonna be grandparents!! The baby is due in April. Please send up some prayers for baby Foof (don't ask, I have no idea why they're calling it that lol).

Huggggs WCW!
Posted By: kat727 Re: living it - 09/29/09 05:47 PM
Just stopping by to say Hello! Hope you are doing well.

Posted By: Phoenix_spark Re: living it - 09/30/09 05:24 AM
Yep me too. It's nice to come by and read about the baby steps. Keep it up. He handed you his old phone? Now that's a baby step and a half. laugh
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 09/30/09 10:03 PM
Look who's here while I've been off! how nice to see you all!

More patience? Probably.

H and I were both gone in different directions this past weekend. He actually came to give me a hug and wish me a Happy Anniversary before we left. smile
Now, did you enjoy that bite to eat? Did you have a nice conversation?
Actually, YES. There used to be a time that if we sat at the same table it was total silence filled with tension. Now we talk again, although some subjects will shut him down fast.
Have you been acting as if? Is there a wall of unspoken stuff between ya'll? As much as you can predict his actions, rejection, ets.. I bet he can predict yours too. What would happen if you arrived at a meeting and went to sit by him acting like it's no big deal? What if you started seeking him out as your husband? Do you think he'd revert back to his former rejections and withdraw?
There's a boatload of questions in there! yes and no to some of each! Act as if - mostly. Sometimes that wall needs to be breached and I try to choose the right words. Basically it still boils down to there are times that he is more receptive to me treating him like a H or me acting like his W but there are times that if I try to act TOO 'normal' he throws up that wall. Yes, I bet he can predict me too better than I can! I don't feel like I'm on thin ice or eggshells but I do feel like I have to get the timing real right to get a good response.

Piglet, we've had a nearly perfect fall, warm and sunny, but this week turned cold and I had frost on the windshield this morning! I didn't know you moved to a bigger house! good thing with a grandbaby on the way! congrats! Did J recover from his back problems? Is your life as good as it gets yet?

I had a bad show last weekend. Actually my mare showed very well and we had a lot of good compliments but the judge didn't like us! Still chasing points to get that 'title' on my mare.

H must finally be tired of staying gone late every evening. He's been home almost before dark lately! Lucky for me I was making squash in the oven and he likes that sort of thing and he was hungry too. Kaching, points for me! grin I really do think I have to step up in areas where I've been lacking as I've only had to think about me me me for so long while H has been fogged in.

I also need to keep the balances in check. Every positive still has one or more negatives to make the teeter totter uneven.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 10/02/09 12:51 PM
Piglet and you started out pretty close in time. Piglet....are you a piecer? FIB
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 10/05/09 10:16 PM
I was out of town for the weekend. H was here when I got home. I took Piglets advice and went ahead and acted like H was my H. I went over and hugged him. It took a little while though to catch up with him when he saw me coming! JK. He was surprised though.

I surprised him again when I went to bed but first asked if he wanted to come and snuggle. H said 'I don't know' with a smirk. Um duh me, I didn't know what to say next so I just said 'you know where to find me if you do'. H came to bed later and we woke up together in the morning. grin
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: living it - 10/05/09 10:37 PM
wow, I think that little tidbit is a HUMONGOUS baby step!!!
Posted By: brandnewday Re: living it - 10/06/09 10:57 AM
Sounds like things are moving along!!
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 10/06/09 11:56 PM
Thanks ladies!

We were invited to a MNF party. I asked H if he wanted to go, he thought he would be hunting and wouldn't make it. He also said where he would be hunting. H pulled in the yard just in time to go with me to our friends house to see the game. He was nice and social and ohsonormal with everyone.

We got home late and I was very tired from the long weekend and long day. I felt like I should offer H to come to bed again but I didn't want too. I just wanted to get a few hours of good sleep without 'worrying' about someone in bed with me. Gosh I feel guilty!
Posted By: Between Tears Re: living it - 10/07/09 03:13 AM


Wow, things sound pretty good, some huge steps for the both of you....

Poor guy, cut his hunting short, was ohsonormal, and was left out in the cold... LOL!

Remember rule #1, be true to yourself, don't feel guilty. Hope you got the rest you needed!

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 10/08/09 10:03 PM
Is this ironic? I am on an email list for a state group which is having a function at ows palace. Included was an attachment of a map to get there. My virus detector picked it up as a virus! How funny is that!! bounce off me b!tch .... haha hoho hehe ....

At first I was thinking I would go to the event but I have so much GAL and tasks to do that I think it's a sign for me to behave shocked and not show up there.
Posted By: kat727 Re: living it - 10/09/09 06:03 PM
The fact that it had a virus was a dead give away!! smile

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 10/09/09 09:44 PM
LOL, I think it means she is still poison!

H's cell phone saga continues. He is trying yet another phone with another company. Soon he should run out of new companies! He told me he had to turn one in today and I responded that I couldn't keep up with what number went to what phone with what company anymore to reach him. He told me his new temporary number which is the same as our address. He said - can you remember that? how funny!

I did irriate H last night when I asked if he would make sure all the windows were closed before he turned on the heater. He set his jaw being defensive. I also said if he was cold on the couch then he could sleep in the bed if he was brave enough. Still no response. So I offered that if HE wanted to take over paying the electric bill then stay on the couch and run the heater with the windows open. I went to bed, slept great and was warm. smile
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 10/10/09 01:28 AM
Did you offer him anything else to get in the bed with you? LOLOLOLOLOL.

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 10/10/09 12:10 PM
FIB, that might be why he WON'T join me!!

But, he did just invite me to go to a party with him tonight with a group of 'buddies'. H hasn't told me when this annual party is for the last 5 years.

H is still doing paperwork for taxes, the extension we filed is coming due now. He promised to have it done by the end of this week but it won't be. I asked again last night, I am so ticked about it! I told H I couldn't stay and talk with him because I was so irritated I wouldn't stay in control. I went to bed.

After a few minutes he came to the doorway and talked and talked about his day and things he wanted to share. So why not just come to bed and talk with me like we used to do? Why stay at the door and keep the distance? I feel like he still feels a wall up from me and maybe there is. I don't know how to NOT keep up some level of detachment and protection of my heart and my emotions. Am I keeping H from reaching me or is he just taking his time to finish baking or is this all still a mean trick? Idunno.

Cold and frosty this morning. I gotta head out to cover chores for H this morning. I hope the hoses didn't freeze!
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 10/12/09 04:55 PM
Taxes are done! H finally wrapped up the rest of what he needed to get done. It sure would be great if I got back some of the money I had to pay when we filed the extension. <fingers crossed>

The party was nice. I kept getting questions about why I haven't been around for so long. I was good with my answers, but I also noticed H stayed pretty close to hear whatever I said. Maybe I passed his approval and he'll include me more. lol

H also asked me to go 'shopping' with him but I had a friend coming to ride. So instead H helped me with some tasks until my friend showed up and then he went hunting while I rode horse with friend.

Still drumming up patience. I've sure been having some weird dreams lately. In one dream I kissed H and he liked it! In another dream I was being pursued by some guy that was treating me like a queen. I think I am craving some intimacy!
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 10/12/09 05:23 PM
Next time then....FIB
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 10/14/09 11:07 PM
Taxes are done! my money back plus a refund! Just sign the final form and pick it by tomorrow.

Had a convo with H about delinquent accounts and humongus charges and fees. This time he says 'you can just take it all over'! Well, that's not what I want to do. I am willing to help but not bail him out and relieve him of responsibility for it. Besides all that, he hasn't earned my trust!

My back is sore and grabs me so hard my knees buckle. Ice is my friend.
Posted By: Between Tears Re: living it - 10/15/09 01:52 AM

One HUGE step for WCW! It must feel good to have those taxes done!

Time to relax with your back... ice/heat/ice/heat, at least that is what they tell me. I feel better when I have the chance to sit in a tub, a hot tub is better, but with this old house, I don't have either.

Grab or get some Flexeril,it's good for relaxing those sore muscles. It's tough on the tummy, but just grab something soothing to eat, and you'll be all set for the night.

I hope you find some relief, get some rest, and take care of you!
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 10/16/09 10:03 PM
Thanks BT, I've not tried Flexeril but I will check it out.

- - - - - - -

Whoa, it's been a week from hell. My back, work, the weather, finances, horses, but a nicer ending!

I was working with a couple of guys to bring a catastrophe back together late this afternoon and H called me at work. I had to do one of the things that bugs me the most when I call people, and that's talk to people next to me while still talking on the phone to H. I just think that's so very disrespectful to all involved.

Anyway, H called to talk about something that had just happened and let me know and what he thought about it and that he was basically having a bad day. We talked a few minutes but then he realized I was in the middle of something important and said "I'll let you go I was just calling to vent to somebody". Ok folks, in my book that's HUGE. H is reaching out to me to talk and vent and include me in his day. Like he used to. cool
Baby steps? wink
Posted By: Between Tears Re: living it - 10/16/09 11:16 PM

Ahhh, I said something about when he was using you as a gopher, it was merely an excuse to reach out to you...... See, See, voila! He's inched his head out a bit more, realizing he is reaching out to you....

What was it that you just said to me? Hmmm, I know, time and patience are on your side......
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 10/17/09 03:08 PM
A little more....H swung in last night and asked me to ride along to his last appointment. We had easy conversation on the drive. How nice! So different from the 'mid' years when we'd drive for 17 hours and have nothing to say.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: living it - 10/17/09 03:23 PM
Testing the waters a little, is he?

Gosh, have we been on here this long, going back to '05-'06?
Posted By: Between Tears Re: living it - 10/17/09 07:50 PM

Naw, he's on his way back in from out deep past the horizon. He just hasn't been able to put his thoughts into words yet.

Oh sure, he could get spooked and run back out, but I believe he knows what he wants... but he has to make peace with what he has done, he still wonders how anyone can forgive him for what he has done...... He needs to learn how to accept or forgive himself first, before seeking and accepting forgiveness.

It will be a while yet, and the road will have a few hidden bumps and occasional rockiness, but WCW knows how to ride......
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 10/18/09 10:09 AM
MG, we have been here a long time. My sitch started more than 18 months before I even got here. Makes ya wonder if we're sane.... or not!!
Oh sure, he could get spooked and run back out, but I believe he knows what he wants... but he has to make peace with what he has done, he still wonders how anyone can forgive him for what he has done...... He needs to learn how to accept or forgive himself first, before seeking and accepting forgiveness.
So well put! H holds grudges too, and things I did when ow had him hooked on her finger weren't so nice and justified or not I am sure prolonged things. We have a very long bumpy trail ahead of us but I am feeling like at least we are getting to where we are at the same trailhead to start.

One thing to vent (only one! haha) - this last week was ow's birthday. I don't remember the exact date anymore but I think it was the one night that H came home late. I'm not saying he was or wasn't out with her, but I wouldn't doubt there was some sort of party at her barn with a group of friends. That would seem pretty normal, and it would be abnormal if H wasn't included.

So....H just left on his annual hunting trip but this time he is not hunting. He is just taking time to visit with kids and grandkids, rest and recover his sore body from the physical work he does. I know he deserves and needs time away but being self employed he doesn't make money on vacation either and his bills keep piling up. Maybe soon we'll be able to start tackling that dilemma.

Yesterday we spent a lot of time talking about a lot of things, but no R talk. Actually, I listened a lot while H talked. It was real nice! I also opened up to H about some family issues that he was surprised to hear, and it felt good to have a sounding board.

We also went to the cell phone store so H could take advantage of my work discount. He is finally losing the anger enough to have some sense to save some cents! Then we had a wedding to attend for a gal that calls us her adopted parents. H stayed pretty close and we laughed with friends and had a good time.

Ok, it's been a short night. Think I'll go back to bed for a couple hours.
Posted By: Between Tears Re: living it - 10/18/09 08:55 PM


I understand the need to vent, but by now, you also know that we make more of the ow/om than there usually is.... secondly, it may have been just a coincidence that he was late on a particular night.... HE STILL CAME HOME! I'm not saying he didn't stop by a drink either, or a happy birthday wish, we won't know..... so as I've already hinted at, the focus will be that he came home all week, regardless of what week it was.

This is something you already know, and as it seems you have already decided, I'm just going over the same ground, to make sure it's nice and firm.

You are doing a lot of talking, and that is remarkable, so there's no R talk, but the best Rs come from a steady base, one built on friendship, and that's what you are making... the rest will come, in time, and unfortunately, you don't get to decide when it will get there..... but that's why all the previous lessons on patience.... and giving up control.... and acceptance.

Laughing, ahhh, now, that says it all... they say laughing helps the healing process.... it's good for the soul.
Posted By: amd Re: living it - 10/19/09 02:05 AM
Moo, WCW!

This all sounds very positive to me.
he has to make peace with what he has done, he still wonders how anyone can forgive him for what he has done...... He needs to learn how to accept or forgive himself first, before seeking and accepting forgiveness.
I think this describes where he is very well. Wish I could corner the market on the pixie dust that makes it move along a little faster, but everything in its own time.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 10/20/09 01:27 PM
Did you get him in the sack yet? LOL. FIB
Posted By: Creed Re: living it - 10/20/09 02:29 PM

It's been awhile since I've posted her, but just had to let you know how tickled I am that you've had some really positive things going on with your H. My wish for you is that they will continue until all that anger he's had is gone, and he again can see you as the beautiful bride of his youth, and cherish you more than he ever did before.
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 10/22/09 10:04 PM
Wow, it's been a fast week! it used to be when H was gone it seemed to drag on forever, now it flies by!
H kept in contact with me the first few days, checking on tasks he left for me to finish for him. I haven't heard from him for a couple days but I did send an email regarding some financial issues from more of his messy mess. I'm so tired of being continuously blindsided by financial surprises. Idunno what to do anymore but in my email I requested H for a full disclosure of bills and credit card amounts so we could work on a plan. He's gone dark. Surprise! I'd call it funny if it wasn't so cottonpickin serious.

Anyone remember "lurker guy"? I haven't seen much of him this year since I told him that the way he was following me all over was like stalking me. The last couple weeks I've been spotting him again and yesterday I literally ran into him in a store. We had a short conversation and I was polite to him. I've spotted him 3 times since then when he just 'happens' to be around where I am in town. Maybe I'll have to key his vehicle next time he happens to find me. shocked

I was talking with a good friend of ours this week. Almost every conversation we have he brings up ows name. A few years ago he asked me what was going on with H, I simply told him I wasn't ready for talking about it. I wonder if he knows more than I do and that's why he always brings ows name into our conversations. Ick. I don't want to go there.....
Posted By: Jeff223 Re: living it - 10/23/09 10:18 PM
Yes girl. I remember lurker man. And that is not something you joke about. If I were you I would at least talk to a policeman about it and get some advice. Funny he is back - not just by chance I bet.

Take care and take it seriously. Too many bad headlines in the paper. Hate to read about some horse woman with bad things happening when H is gone.....

Take care. And YES I am still reading!!!!!

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 10/26/09 07:13 PM
Hey Jeff! nice to see you again. Thanks for caring, I'll talk to some folks I know in law enforcement for ideas.

I was out of town over the weekend at another horse show. Still chasing those last elusive points to put a title on my horse. Ugh. The trip to get there was the travel day from hell. I left home before 6am to make a 9 hour drive, and didn't arrive at my destination until after 11pm. Ugh again. Traffic, construction, accidents that turned the interstate into a parking lot for 3 hours.

I haven't heard from H since last Tuesday, he should be back from his trip sometime today or tonight I guess.
Posted By: amd Re: living it - 10/27/09 04:34 AM
I agree with Jeff--watch out for lurker guy.

And maybe tell that friend who keeps bringing up ow's name to knock it off. Something like, "You know, friend, I'm not interested in hearing about ow," and then change the subject.

Be well, friend!
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 10/27/09 12:35 PM

I haven't heard from H since last Tuesday, he should be back from his trip sometime today or tonight I guess.

One step forward.....

Ick is right about the OW. Tell 'em enuf already. FIB
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 10/30/09 02:55 AM
H made it home from his trip, he even came in the bedroom to say hi. I was so wiped out I barely knew he was there. He came back the next morning and got into bed with me and we had a few minutes to catch up on a few things.

Before I left for work I asked why he stopped communication when I emailed about the financial crapola that was happening while he was gone. Naturally he didn't answer, but I kept rambling and asked him what his plan was. He said nothing different, work and pay the bills. ggrrrrrrrrr. I said that wasn't good enough, he needs to manage his bills and huge debt and figure out how to stop wasting money on extra fees. H was tuning me out, I sputtered that it doesn't matter what I say anyway....H was listening and he responded "it does matter what you say." hhmmmm

Odd that later the same day we were each sitting at the same intersection waiting for the lights to change. I didn't know if H saw me as he didn't wave. I didn't have my phone with me, but when I checked it later I had 3 missed calls. hhmmmm

I have a big event this weekend and was being pulled in too many directions. H asked how things were going and offered to help with a time consuming to free me up for some other things. hhmmmm

Oh yeah, remember that meeting last month where H was already seated and I walked in and sat somewhere else, and after the meeting a friend made comments to H about it? Last night was another meeting, H called me and asked if I would wait for him and we could drive together. And, he sat next to me. hhmmmm
Posted By: trustingfaith Re: living it - 10/30/09 03:05 AM
WCW - I am not sure if I have ever posted to you before but I have read along. I really admire your patience! It is inspiring. smile It looks like you are seeing some real positives there!
Posted By: Between Tears Re: living it - 10/30/09 05:23 AM

Hhhmmmmm..... Lol

Well, you sound great, exhausted, however, in tune with everything going on.

Keep up the great work!

When do you slow down?
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 10/30/09 01:14 PM

smile It looks like you are seeing some real positives there!

Posted By: NNP1965 Re: living it - 10/30/09 02:11 PM
very interesting happenings smile
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 11/03/09 01:17 AM
WCW - I am not sure if I have ever posted to you before but I have read along. I really admire your patience! It is inspiring. It looks like you are seeing some real positives there!

trusting, thanks for posting. I actually ran out of patience a long time ago. I've tried most everything short of filing D papers to get H to budge off the fence he's perched on for so long. I have always wanted him to fall on my side but I am ready to deal with either side. Patience? not so much. Stamina may be a better word, and crazy! crazy wink

BT, slow down? I wish! things run in spurts or shift with the seasons but not usually slow.

Awwhh FIB. Babysteps. I thought you threw that word out of your vocabulary! So sweet.

MsI, it must be almost time for your quarterly update? how are things??

Weekend update -
H was pretty great all weekend, helped out when he could, joined in when he could, let me know if he was leaving or where he had been. When someone brought out a camera and told H to get in the picture he actually leaned into me. That's a big change from when he refused to be anywhere near me when a camera showed up! Also, he had a decision to make and had a deadline, and he said the words - "what do you think?" I offered my opinion but let H make the final decision.

Finances suck. It feels like there's always more to know than I know and I hate surprises.

Life could be worse, or better!
Posted By: Between Tears Re: living it - 11/03/09 01:31 AM

Hey Sweetie....

Obviously, you are still on top of things... err, well, except for the finances thing. I wouldn't want to look either.... there's probably something scary in that pile of financial paperwork.... I wouldn't want to be your H, nor you, but there are worse things in life....

You have your health, your horses, H is being reasonable, looking to fit himself back into your life, all in all, you've got a roof over head, food on the table when you're hungry... the weather has been great, there's a lot more to be grateful for, if you just turn around and look, as I'm sure you have when you begin to worry about those finances.

It will all work out in the end..... it always does!
Posted By: trustingfaith Re: living it - 11/03/09 05:37 AM
LOL - patience, stamina, crazy, whatever you want to call it, I call it admirable! smile And it does seem like your H is coming around . . . I really hope things keep progressing for you and your H!
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: living it - 11/03/09 12:06 PM
WCW, you crack me up... I actually updated yesterday! you have uncanny timing smile
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 11/07/09 02:05 PM
My very own Saturday morning. I don't get many of these lately, and it feels good. H is gone on a volunteer business trip. I told anyone who asked about coming today not to come before 10am today.

H gave me a hug before he left, and sent me a midnight text. I responded a few hours later when I woke up to let the dogs out. It used to be when we were apart that our days would start and end with calls to each other. Maybe? this is a hint of those times. Idunno.

H says he is out of money, can't pay his bills. Well that's nothing new!! I verbalized to him again that he can't just pay someone when they call, he has to manage his debt and be smart about it. That's not happening yet. I don't know yet where it's all headed. I see gobs of people filing bankruptcy for much less than what I know H has racked up. The thing is I know H makes good money when he is 'in the mode'. I still don't trust him enough to jump in whole heartedly to help him, he keeps taking babysteps but hasn't shown too many signs of changing his poor habits or commiting his heart to the M.

Hmm, I just got an email from H, even though it was for business.

The farmers having been going full throttle in the harvest, finally! The weather has been cooperating. That means with the crops off the fields I get to pull out the manure spreader and get rid of the manure pile today! yeah, how many gals get excited about that!! ME!!! grin

I found this file I saved from a while ago. How true it still is -
Believe In Yourself
And in your dream
though impossible
things may seem,
Someday, somehow
you'll get through to
the goal you have in view.

Mountains fall and
seas divide before
the one who in his stride
Takes a hard road
day by day
sweeping obstacles away.

Believe in yourself
and in your plan.
Say not - I cannot but, I can.
The prizes of life we
fail to win,
Because we doubt the
power within.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: living it - 11/07/09 03:58 PM
WCW, I hope you and H can find a solution to your financial woes. These are such scary times!

Enjoy your very own Saturday morning. smile
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 11/09/09 11:20 PM
I heard a trivia question on the local radio today.
What's the percentage of people who have left their spouse for another person and wish they wouldn't have?
......................80% !!!

I must be in a cycle, I am feeling restless and irritable and wanting more from H. I am unsure if I should let the feelings surface and see where it goes or try to stuff them back down. sick
For all I know H is waiting for me to make the first move so he can react to me, but I am waiting to react to him, while he waits to react to me......so we both just wait. No wonder this takes so long!! ugh
Posted By: Jeff223 Re: living it - 11/10/09 12:32 AM

Whatever you are doing seems to be working so why oh why do you consider doing something different???

Restless?? Bah.............

Stay the course. Even if you can't fully put your finger on what you are doing it is working b/c it is called *attitude*. Keep that attitude up. H sees it, clear as crystal.

Posted By: Between Tears Re: living it - 11/10/09 08:40 AM

Make him do the work..... You know better! I know, with the holidays coming on, it would be nice to have a special holiday, but you know as well as I do, one mis-step could cause him to run..... and he's feeling the holidays just as much as you do.

Patience..... slow and steady wins the race! You've done so well all along..... don't push, everything in it's own time.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 11/10/09 01:52 PM
I don't know, what do you wanna do?

I don't know, what do YOU want to do?

Dunno, any ideas?

Hmmm...no, you?

Uggh. Sounds like a 180 is due.

Posted By: kat727 Re: living it - 11/11/09 07:44 PM
Just stopping in to check on you. So are you shaking things up?

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 11/13/09 12:14 AM
Stay the course. Even if you can't fully put your finger on what you are doing it is working b/c it is called *attitude*. Keep that attitude up. H sees it, clear as crystal.
Discouraging that after this many years I still can't figure out what is working OR what is NOT working! Something feels off since H came home from his weekend trip. He seems too nice, almost forced nice. It's just weird, and I can't put my finger on it either but it's not right in my gut. I hate that feeling....

BT, would you send a blanket of patience please?

FIB, kat, one of my 180's has been to do nothing. It is so very hard for me not to try and be the driver. I still vividly remember a few comments from H in these last few years. 1 - "you always have to rush in and save the day" and 2 - "you always push for more". Remembering those statements made by a very angry H do cause me to hang back rather than push.

Remember the old jingle 'the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup'? One morning that came to mind as I opened a new can of coffee and got that whiff of fresh coffee smell. mmmmm. But better than that was H in my bed before coffee, he climbed in with me early one morning. That too is a 180 for me to wait for him on his own instead of asking or begging. Of course what I don't know is what he is thinking - doesn't she want me in bed with her? she doesn't ask, I won't go. Aw heck, who knows!!

Off to my last official show for this season this weekend. Should be extra fun because my sis is coming to meet me there and hang out.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 11/13/09 01:51 PM

Something feels off since H came home from his weekend trip. He seems too nice, almost forced nice. It's just weird, and I can't put my finger on it either but it's not right in my gut. I hate that feeling....

Been there, done that. In retrospect....oh....nevermind. Only you can understand what that means.
Posted By: Phoenix_spark Re: living it - 11/14/09 11:09 AM
It's good to see things progressing. Even though we can't see why things are happening, they are moving. Sometimes we just need a little faith. When you step back and look at things from a bit of a distance, you can see the great changes. This is awesome. Stick with it and do what seems to be working. I'm really glad to see him finding you and wanting to talk..to me this is huge.
Posted By: Between Tears Re: living it - 11/14/09 11:26 PM

my dear, if patience was that easy, we could just go and buy it in the stores.... although I'd love to send you all the patience you would need.

As for the funny pang.... sit quietly, the answers are within you.
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 11/17/09 03:08 AM
Got it! Achieved TWO national titles on my mare this weekend. cool
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: living it - 11/17/09 03:21 AM
Posted By: Between Tears Re: living it - 11/17/09 09:20 AM

Awesome, WCW, Good show!
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: living it - 11/17/09 09:46 AM
Excellent! That is really exciting smile CONGRATULATIONS!
Posted By: kat727 Re: living it - 11/17/09 12:54 PM
That is wonderful!! As for H maybe he is doing some DB of his own...keep running through the actions until they become your own sort of thing. It is another move in the right direction. This man certainly moves slower than a turtle wrapped in honey!!

Posted By: Flicka Re: living it - 11/17/09 02:30 PM
Posted By: Jeff223 Re: living it - 11/18/09 01:07 AM
Okay. But as a NON HORSE PERSON (the tail is in the rear - correct?) what titles did you win?

Oh, and by the way, I am thinking now of Mother Mare. I bet she is smiling too....

Posted By: BeingMe Re: living it - 11/18/09 07:25 AM
Congratulations, WCW! Awwwwwsome! laugh
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 11/18/09 11:19 PM
Thank you all for the congrats!
This post is all about me and horses so you can skip to the next post if you're not interested.

I had set a goal for myself and mare. We've won a lot of local and area awards and yearly high point awards, but we've never won at a national level. There is a national association I joined about 2 years ago and this year I hooked up with a few friends and hit the road. This summer my mare and I have put on enough miles going to shows to cross the country 3 times.

There is levels of achievements, the first level is Register of Merit - ROM. At each show you get points in a class based on the number of entries and how many of them you place ahead of. After accumulating the required number of points you are awarded a ROM for each class in which you achieved enough points.

Going in to this last show of this year I was close in 3 classes to achieve a ROM. I was really hoping for my own 'triple crown' but I only managed 2 of the 3. The two that I got are Cutting and Reining (google it for more details, or of course I could explain it). The one I did not quite make was Trail. There are other classes too but I've got a ways to go in some of those. There are higher level awards that I can work towards too, so now I have to decide what's next. Keep going with this mare or start working on my next project? or both? or none? ......
Originally Posted By: Jeff223
Okay. But as a NON HORSE PERSON (the tail is in the rear - correct?) what titles did you win?

Oh, and by the way, I am thinking now of Mother Mare. I bet she is smiling too....

Oh Jeff, you just know don't you?! These tears I look thru as I read your post are bitter sweet. I still miss my dear Mother Mare, but her daughter and I are carrying on her legacy. Yes, I believe Mother Mare is kicking up her heels and neighing as she runs pain free thru green meadows to brag about her offspring.

I can talk a long time about horses....... wink
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 11/18/09 11:36 PM
As for H, he did seem genuinely interested in the show and the results. He wished me luck before I left, and he txtd during the show to find out what was going on before I even had my classes. After I blew one of them and txtd him that it wasn't going well he called me to find out details. It was nice to get at least some level of support from him via even just a phone call.

And, the lady I traveled with stayed on the couch the night before we left so H slept with me that night. The night I got back I didn't expect him home before I went to bed, habit I guess. I was surprised when he drove in early and then asked some questions. He also joined me in bed early the next morning after the dogs woke us up.

Here's my problem. I was tired and crabby when I got home to find things that had not been done that should have and no reason for H not to do it. I know it showed in my attitude. Do I try and explain it to H? apologize? or ignore issues like H does. duh gee, typing it out I guess I got my answer.

I am still ohso tired! There must be this ton of pressure and responsibility leaving my body after the show season ended and I feel so drained. tired
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 11/21/09 11:33 AM
It was dark and I was walking out the driveway when H drove in. He didn't stop, my PMA sunk. After he was parked he called out to me and asked if I was just going to get the mail or more than that. I said I was walking up to see the new field driveway and culvert that H put in that morning. H siad 'oh wait, I'll walk with you.' smile H and I and the dogs went for a nice walk, talked about livestock to sell and keeping this place financially above water, and other home based business matters. I didn't push for more talk about managing the whole debt, and H didn't clam up.

Then H helped me unload the snowblower that I won. grin

H is out hunting now, so I basically have the weekend to myself. I have to work on being a better W. I've been out of that mode for so long that I don't know how to react when I can be better. I don't even know how long we've been out of bread and milk, etc. Of course H could pick up those things to but I guess he considers it my job so he'll just be the silent sufferer. (like sleeping on the couch??) The freezer is full but that takes more planning for meals when I get caught off guard when H is around more and hungry. Is it still true the way to mans heart is thru his stomach? lol

Looking forward to more great weather so I don't have to use that new snowblower! wink
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 11/21/09 01:30 PM
You're often out of touch with your timekeeping instincts. There's nothing wrong with that, but it prevents a lot of good fortune from reaching you when it could. Begin paying more attention to the hunches or premonitions you've ignored, only to experience a bad outcome. When those sensations occur again, trust your gut. Your timing will improve, and your whole life will begin to operate more smoothly.
I took a timekeeping quiz. I guess it verifies the 'trust my gut' feeling! The problem is that DBing doesn't necessarily line up with going with my gut instinct. Sure gotta think about this some more.
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 11/22/09 08:34 PM
My great nephew survived H1N1 but now has Cellulitis (infection behind the eye) and is hospitalized on IV antibiotics. GN is improving but I know the power of prayer is amazing. If you're so inclined.... thanks.
Posted By: Lotus Re: living it - 11/22/09 09:03 PM
He's in my prayers.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: living it - 11/22/09 09:56 PM
mine too
Posted By: trustingfaith Re: living it - 11/22/09 10:14 PM
Said a prayer, too. That can be scary stuff! How old is he?
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 11/23/09 11:49 PM
Thank you all. GN is 7 years old going on 12. Three years ago when we were making Christmas cookies he decorated an angel with lines all over the middle. I asked him what that was and he responded - the digestive tract!
He is also my ride buddy when we go to amusement parks, and I take him with me to the stock car races so he can see his dad race. He's a great kid!
GN was released and is home now. They couldn't keep the IV in his vein anymore after moving it 3 times, so they sent home with oral antibiotics. His eye is at least open now, although still very puffy and a big red circle around it.

It boggles my mind how H and I are treated so differently by each of our families. I have not talked to my family about any of H's stuff, although they heard rumors and asked me. My family includes him in family emails, holidays, etc. just like no problems ever happened. H's family has no contact with me, no calls, no emails, no thank you's for the gifts I send, nothing. H had told them that he was leaving, and I don't know what else was said. Heck, I didn't even know he told them until a year later!
Posted By: kat727 Re: living it - 11/25/09 06:23 PM
Sorry, I am a tad late but sending my prayers out regardless. Do you remember reading in one of Michelle's books about expectations? She had been on a trip and knew her H was always a bit grumpy when he met her at the airport. She wondered if she could turn that around. She greeted him as if he was thrilled to meet her and lo and behold he was. We get in that rut and sometimes it takes just one small gesture to start to get us out.

Blessings hon and have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 11/25/09 11:08 PM
Thanks much kat. You gave me a good reminder to change things up from time to time instead of waiting for the tail to wag the dog.

I love this holiday the most of all, Thanksgiving. I hope anyone that reads this remembers to be thankful. It's easy to get overwhelmed and burdened with negatives instead of seeing what is good and right.

Keep your eyes on the horizon. Chin up. Heels down.
Posted By: Phoenix_spark Re: living it - 11/26/09 10:43 AM
Happy Thanksgiving. Keep the momentum up.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: living it - 11/26/09 11:26 AM
I hope you have a wonderful day WCW smile
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 11/29/09 02:19 PM
Thanks PS and MsI. I hope you had an enjoyable day!

I'm feeling frustrated and overwhelmed thinking about the uphill climb to a better future. If I would have cut loose from H when this started I feel I would already be in a better future, at least for sure a different future! Yet I am still stuck butting my head against blocks that H puts in my path. UGH!

We can talk pretty easy about almost anything except us or debt. It was unexplainable timing that I had just asked H about ideas for better financial flow on the ranch and his phone rang. His phone was laying on the table and I saw the caller id - a first name only BUT intuition told me it was the guy that H was getting his secret hideway from a few years ago. I asked H if he owed him money - "I don't think so, I don't know! He wants me to help with a project."

Ok, so the bright side is he gave me at least part of an honest answer about who it was. I am pretty tempted to call the guy and find out the rest of the story.

Things with H have just been different in a good but yet weird way. He's home more in the evenings, and it's weird with him being here after being absent for years. Physically he will barely be near me and I wonder if I'm sending some signals he is misinterpreting.

I have suggested some things we should do to better the place and he actually said one of my ideas was good and agreed to the rest.

One foot in front of the other, slow and steady wins the race, blah blah blah. I want to hit turboboost!!!
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 11/30/09 11:38 PM
My kitchen catastrophy's -
I took some meat out of the freezer. For some reason I thought it was steak. Imagine my surprise to open the thawed package and discover it was a roast! I don't have time left to cook a freakin' roast!
Here is what NOT to do - do not put it in a kettle on the stove with water and try to 'boil' it. No matter how many times you check the water level it will boil away seconds after you know it's okay. Also, cutting the roast into smaller pieces does help it cook quicker but it also shrinks, and then when the water burns off it ends up looking like chunks of charcoal.

Spaghetti squash really does look like spaghetti. Easiest to cook in the shell. The sharp knife to cut it in half is sharp and will cut your finger.

When the carton of eggs fall off the counter they do break.

You need oil to saute some sweet potato slices and zuchini slices and realize you have no oil because it was used to give powder medication to the horse.

I should have just brought leftovers home from the Thanksgiving meal! wink

I would say my great cooking made H crabby and untalkative this weekend but he was already like that! Maybe because hunting sucked so bad this year. Who knows!
Posted By: trustingfaith Re: living it - 12/01/09 12:04 AM
LOL - sorry about all of your kitchen mishaps! I too have done the mystery meat thing, pulling out something from the freezer and after it thaws realizing it is not what I thought and having to figure out what to do with it last minute!

Hopefully your dinner dealings tonight are/were less eventful. smile
Posted By: BeingMe Re: living it - 12/01/09 01:22 AM
You still cook for your H? You sure are a good wife! smile
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 12/02/09 02:16 AM
Thanks trusting! the next dinner was much less because there was none! it was just me, and I skipped the hassle.

BM, it's still pretty rare but I'm back up to maybe once or twice a week now.

Oh yeah, when I was trying to use up the broken eggs to make cookies I dropped the butter on the floor. eek

Happy December 1! I treated myself to a spankin' new $8 haircut!
Posted By: Creed Re: living it - 12/02/09 03:47 AM

Better you had all the 'oops', then have your hair stylist have that type of day! Might take awhile to grow out! LMAO
I had to chuckle listening to all your mishaps. I hope you can laugh at them by now too.

It's so nice to know that other people go through days like that.
Posted By: Jeff223 Re: living it - 12/02/09 04:04 PM
Get yourself a pressure cooker. Whatever the frozen mystery meat turns out to be, pop it in the cooker and let it rip. Fork tender in no time.

I still remember the time I took what I thought was a beef shoulder roast out of the freezer. Popped it in the cooker and when it was done I discovered it was really a prime rib roast I was saving!

Expensive lesson but it turned out fine in the pressure cooker anyway. Meat does tend to shrink up some however.

Another tip: you really should not try to make cookies on the floor. crazy

Sounds like a good holiday - more memories made and that is good.
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 12/05/09 11:17 PM
Creed, believe it or not the stylist DID trip while cutting my hair.....luckily the scissors was not engaged.

Jeff, how was your birthday? did you do anything to celebrate in style? I expect you are very busy since you don't respond to emails......... ??

Pressure cooker - did I tell the story about my Mom putting a canned ham in the oven? oops, the oven door blew off and there was canned ham on the ceiling!!

Busy weekend with 2 Christmas parties, an awards banquet, and a baby shower. One down, 3 to go. Tonight is an awards banquet, my horse and I get an award. I let H know my plans but I didn't know if he would come along and I didn't exactly ever ask him to come with me. So, I did now! I sent a txt. He CALLED me within a minute, and asked more details, and is coming with me. I wasn't going to ask because I get tired of the rejection but I stuck my neck on the block yet again and this time had good results. I am happy he is coming along, I hope the night goes well.
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 12/10/09 02:19 AM
How come I can fix a manure spreader, prime a skidloader, and turn a pretty mean wrench but I don't know how to light the pilot light in the oven?

pphhhtttt! the apple pie will have to stay ok in the refrigerator until H can come home and rescue me. sick
Posted By: Between Tears Re: living it - 12/10/09 07:13 AM

life in an apple pie shell!
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 12/11/09 02:41 PM
Slo-cookers are excellent too. You could put a shoe in there and after 8 hours, so tender the sole just falls apart on your fork.

Posted By: kat727 Re: living it - 12/11/09 10:35 PM
Did your pie get baked? did he save you? wink Hope you are doing well in this cold weather.

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 12/13/09 02:08 AM
So...if I got a big enough pressure cooker or slow cooker I could insert H into the crock and turn it on low and he'd be done in 8 hours? he's a tough old cowboy for sure! What would be the best tenderizer to use???

The oven f-i-n-a-l-l-y works again and the pie is baked...

It's been a tough frustrating week all around and came to a head with H. Idunno if anything will change but I do know he didn't set his jaw and get defensive like he always did. He wouldn't really say anything either, he said he was just listening.
Posted By: kat727 Re: living it - 12/13/09 10:44 PM
HAhaha!! I spoke to soon about the car but my Dad will check it out on Tuesday when they are in town. You know if things didn't go wrong you wouldn't know you were alive. smile

Posted By: kat727 Re: living it - 12/18/09 05:19 PM
How are you? Hope things are moving right along.

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 12/19/09 06:43 PM
Hi kat, not much movement here. It's been super busy at work in town, 10 - 14 hours a day. I wish I got paid overtime! Then taking care of chores at home, and add in the holidays makes a very tired WCW. I'm usually asleep before H gets home and he's still on the couch when I leave in the morning.

Finally had some face time to H when we both attended the same party last night! Maybe I should have walked up and gave him a big hug and kiss and introduced myself! Instead I steered clear of him and he came to me to start a conversation.

Still trying to drum up Christmas cheer so it outlasts the holiday dread!

I am also working on whipping the house into a tolerable condition. H and I are both going on a short trip with mostly my family. Some other friends are just moving back to this area and I offered them to stay here while we are gone in exchange for taking care of critters for us.

Still frustrated at the slower than snail progress, but satisfied that we don't seem to be going backwards or opposite directions.

That's pretty much it!
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 12/20/09 07:19 PM
A BIG little thing - H made hotcakes this morning for our breakfast.
Doesn't sound like much does it? Yet in my warped mind I think it is. You see, he hasn't made hot cakes for me for 4 or 5 years. It is his secret cowboy recipe, the sacred recipe he used when he cowboyed in the mountains. It is something that he feels very special about and brings back memories of his 'good old cowboy days'.
And, H shared hotcakes with me again.
And better yet! They were DELICIOUS!!!
grin smile laugh cool
Posted By: kat727 Re: living it - 12/20/09 08:51 PM
That is awesome! I get so excited when the guy I have a thing for does just a little something that shows me he is thinking of me. It is a long complicated mess and I am there already and he isn't but that is what time is for. smile

I hope you have a wonderful holiday. Maybe keep those expectations low and you may be surprised. wink

hugs, kat
Posted By: kat727 Re: living it - 12/24/09 03:08 PM
Merry Christmas!

Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 12/24/09 05:53 PM
Thanks kat!

Disbelief that I've spent this many Christmas's on this board. Sometimes I feel that H is as unsure what to do about me as I am unsure what to do about him! I guess it's sorta like knowing when to dig your heels in and when to let it slide. lol

Merry Christmas everyone!
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 12/24/09 09:27 PM
Merry Christmas WCW. Five Xmas' here. Hopefully next year you'll spend it in the sack with H. LOLOL. Hugs. FIB
Posted By: BeingMe Re: living it - 12/25/09 12:34 AM
Merry Christmas, WCW.
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 12/27/09 03:04 AM
Another good Christmas written in history. The family feels ok again after a big stumble last fall.

H was a jerk to me. It's like he has to be double jerky on the holidays just to keep me further away.

I've been cleaning cleaning cleaning house! I am reclaiming the house and it's showing and I like it!
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 12/27/09 10:05 PM
We're invited to the home of some friends this evening - dinner and dancing. Uhuh, I said dancing. At first H said no he wasn't coming. A day or so later he asked if I was going and I said yes. Today he asked again if I was going I said yes. I asked if he was going, he said "I might".
We just finished making a creative dish to pass to take with us, and it sounds like H is coming along!
Will he dance too? ok ok, I won't push it that far! But I sure wouldn't mind being wrapped up in his arms. <sigh>
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: living it - 12/28/09 04:35 PM
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year you. FIB
Posted By: amd Re: living it - 12/28/09 09:42 PM
Posted By: WCW Re: living it - 12/29/09 04:32 AM
Thanks FIB! to you too.
amd - moo back! That's so funny, I can't even remember that joke!

While I've been busy whining about H's poor behavior I forgot to say something - H got me something for Christmas this year. That's not happened for a number of years.

He's also been picking up a lot of my outside chores while I'm staying busy inside. I could get used to that! especially this time of year!
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