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Posted By: faithisbelieving I don't recognize her anymore - 10/30/08 07:59 PM
And that is what divorce does.....

Who is this woman?

My W seems to have moved on quite well without me. Megamom....going to school....overheard her saying she is going to the gym (how did she pay for it?)....new clothes showing up...Crest Whitestrips....etc.

I hope that she is truly happy. This is what she wants.

Me...personally...I would be better if the finances were better. It's been a struggle for me over the last 2 weeks.....inner backsliding. Trying to rebuild and avoid:

AV8R

AV8R

Although..this appears to be my future.

FIB
Posted By: frank_D Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 10/31/08 12:08 AM
AV8R was a bit extreme I think.

My friend here found out his dad is really sick. His W has custody/bend over court date scheduled for monday.

He's stressing about his dad and wanted her to postpone it so he could go visit him and they could resolve this in 2 weeks.

She just got $100,000 from the sale of their house. He got $5,000

Her answer: No I'm not going to reschedule it's not my problem.

Also, his S13 wants these 'wings' for his costume. They cost $60. She asks him to pay for them because she can't.
Posted By: Bworl Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 10/31/08 12:34 AM
Quote:
...Crest Whitestrips....etc.



Jeez FIB, it's just weird how so many similar things happen between different situations.

I read your post and saw "crest whitestrips" and remembered how I laughed inside one of the first times I was in my ex's apartment and saw a box of these on the table.

There's just a touch of irony in this superficial product, wouldn't you say?

Do what you can to continue keeping things together. Life is about to get drastically different for both of you before too long.

It would be interesting to see if your wife continues to be Megamom and Miss Happy after the divorce.


Blessings,

Bill
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 10/31/08 12:58 PM
Thanks Bill. One of my friends here posted to me elsewhere something that repeats what Jeff223 once discussed with me almost 2 years ago in a phone conversation. That once they make this decision, they cannot turn back. If your W is type A or controlling or could never be wrong, they lose face to finally say "I was wrong and I want to work this out."

Too much analysis, still, on my part.

One of the things I have noted here...on this board..including myself..is the need to evaluate and analyze everything our S's do. We look, watch, think, scratch our heads, etc. It's probably a waste of time in the long run. Eg, as many know, my W converted for me, then, decided to switch back:
  • puts on a pave cross I bought her Dec. 06 to show her that I celebrate what she desires in her heart
  • puts a large star of David on in April for Passover for one week
  • removes it and puts her cross back on
  • gets pissed off at me after my honesty with the Law Guardian, removes the white gold pave cross I bought her and puts on a HUGE blue turquoise cross
  • this week, the cross I bought her is now back on and she seems nicer to me this week


The first person who says babysteps gets a 2 X 4.

It doesn't make any sense to me but then again....has any of this? Once I stop trying to still figure things out, I know I'll be back on track.

Thanks Bill. Yeah..the Crest Whitestrips.

It amazes me how the WAS, frequently, can latch back onto another person so quickly. Many people are trying to set me up with people. I know I can't..it takes me away from my kids. It takes a special energy that I don't have right now.

My last two weeks were rough:
-FIL placed a levy on my bank account causing the mortgage payment to bounce, affecting my credit (but I think I got the bank to reverse it since I haven't missed a payment in 10 years)
-W photographed me crashed out on the couch with the kids and my nephew across the street after a long day of dancing and partying at a family affair (trust me..it was a sleep over..on the couch..PJ's and all)...and called me a hypocrite in front of the kids (my atty complained that they sleep with her every night and have no routine)
-stole my media card out of my camera..nothing on it but family pix

Everyday, I look at my home. I think of all the trees I planted: the two paw paw trees that are now flowering after 8 years...my rare Ben Franklin tree....the Yellow buttons and magnolia I planted for her. My sister lives across the street and my other sister two blocks away, yet, in all likelihood, I will have to leave at some point and deed it to her.

Men, in the state of NY...are the bad guys. Hey Jeff...I can empathize now with you re: the Great State of Alabamee.

AV8R

My house has a history. Yes...I know it is just a house. It still amazes me at how these people can change so much...enough to cause so much destruction..so much hurt and so much pain..to EVERYONE.

Yes..25..it sounds like a lot of 'negative' typing of late. I think it's just my time to 'cycle'. Except for finances, I am OK.

Thanks for all your support.
FIB
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/04/08 01:21 PM
There is not much to post anymore. There is nothing left but ashes. My STBXW is the one now to initiate 'instability'. I try to keep to myself and interact as little as possible. I try to maintain my boundaries. It is difficult. My W corrals the kids still, at times, and now throws her weight around as the MegaMom. When she is megaparenting, I will not try and force my way in. I will read a book or turn on the news. I let the kids come to me when they want me when she is in this mode.

After having the kids for the day and returning home at 830P on Sunday:

W: C'mon kids, time to go to bed.
Me: XXX...they just got in...they can spend a few minutes with me.
W: It's late and it's bedtime. C'mon kids..let's go.

(D5 starts to cry and cling to me)

Me: XXX...they can stay down here for a few minutes. If they fall asleep, I will carry them upstairs
W: You let S8 sleep down here the other night.
Me: He came down.
W: I checked 3 times in the middle of the night

(this is my W now trying to turn things back onto me as she has slept with both kids NIGHTLY)

Me: Sorry XXX but I pulled my back the other night and I couldn't carry him up. He was tucked in, blanketed and comfortable.

W: You're undermining me as a parent (said in front of the kids)
Me: (to the kids)...it's OK to stay with daddy for a few minutes. We always try and treat people with respect.

(W storms upstairs)

My boundary: the kids wanted to see me after a long drive home. She can't take that away from me.

FIB
Posted By: bookpusher Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/04/08 02:08 PM
Hi FIB,
no 2x4 here. We are in hard positions...danged if we do and danged if we don't. It sounds like you are doing the best you can. (((((FIB)))))
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/04/08 02:36 PM
Thank you bookpusher. I try so hard to continue to DB yet not get run over. There is nothing left but anger towards me. Yes...I try to keep a calendar..it gets shmeared...I am keeping things from her. I leave her alone on her days with the kids. On my days, she batters me with phone calls and texts to speak with the kids. I never hold back the phone from them if they ask to speak with their mom.

Divorce sucks, no?

FIB
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/04/08 03:03 PM
It is a fine line, isn't it? It's very confusing, trying to deal sanely and logically with madness.

Mais oui, it sucks bigtime.
Posted By: frank_D Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/04/08 03:14 PM
Seriously, can you get a babysitter cam or wireless mike and put in in this room connected to a hidden recorder?

Have your sister / brother / friend over during these times to witness her behavior?
Posted By: ford Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/04/08 06:25 PM
FrankD, no kidding, this is horseshit.

gotta be something to do
Posted By: smith18 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/04/08 10:42 PM
FIB -

How much longer do you have to be in the same house with this crap? I look forward to the day when your wife is far removed from your day to day life. You have my respect and condolences for the nightmare you are experiencing now.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/05/08 07:55 PM
Thank you KerryK. I agree. My W is on a mission to make my life miserable. Presently, her MO is to point out all my hypocrosies...and make me appear to be a liar and a hypocrite:
-she slept with the kids for months....she is now on a search and destroy to catch me sleeping with them (they come downstairs sometimes in the middle of the night..but...less so)
-she has locked the dog out in inclement weather for hours and consistently. Last night I let him out to pee and, having been up since 5 am, I passed out on the couch. SHE TEXTED ME FROM UPSTAIRS AT 1245AM to let the dog in and requoted what I said to her.

She just can't let go of anger, vindictiveness..and is on a mission to punish me and discredit me as a human being.

Last meeting with my L....I finally asked her if I could leave....that my W was making life miserable. She told me 'no'...that those are the D's here in NY that go on forever (when you leave, you must pay support for them...they like it...and they drag it out. By staying in the house, it forces a settlement, etc).

FIB
Posted By: smith18 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/05/08 08:46 PM
Have you ever seen "The War of the Roses"?

Too bad they do not require wives of doctors to take a Hypocritical oath.
Posted By: AmyC Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/05/08 09:03 PM
That is exactly the movie I've been thinking of for weeks as I've read this thread, Kerry!


FIB: So the enemy is under your roof and in your face telling you every bad thing that exists about you - some true, some embellished, some outright lies.

What do you do?
Posted By: ford Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/05/08 09:48 PM
you could tell her you're a rare Jewish Indian from the "slapahoe" tribe?

naw, then she'd hate Indians.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/06/08 10:13 PM
Good question AmyC. I do....NOTHING. I don't yell at her. I don't scream at her. I don't R talk. I don't compete to parent with her..no parenting pissing contests.

Could she be trying to build a case against ME now? Maybe.

Do I resort to stirring things up and get nasty? I don't think so. My L says, "let her parent. No one is going to take your kids away from you. You're a good father and I want to see you getting the kids 2-3 times during the week."

We'll see. Similar to AL, Jeff's state, men rarely get custody.

This morning, she was congested. She asked me if we have Sudafed. I went up and got her the box. In spite of ALL THE BS she's done to me, I still find it hard to do the same back to her. It may work against me.

I find it difficult to understand how they can carry the anger on such a daily basis. It consumes so much energy. How do they do it?

Anyway, Amy....although I don't go out of my way to do nice things for her, I don't return any of her horrible actions with ones of retribution. I focus on the kids.

FIB
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/06/08 10:14 PM
It's funny. I've seen parts of that movie. It is more my W than me. I have joked with her in easier days. "Just give me the flat panel TV and I'll be fine."

FIB
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/06/08 10:20 PM
To KerryK

Starting from scratch on yours.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1605492

FIB
Posted By: AmyC Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/07/08 12:59 AM
Originally Posted By: AmyC

FIB: So the enemy is under your roof and in your face telling you every bad thing that exists about you - some true, some embellished, some outright lies.

What do you do?



Quote:
Anyway, Amy....although I don't go out of my way to do nice things for her, I don't return any of her horrible actions with ones of retribution. I focus on the kids.


I would counter lies with the truth.

Somebody's gotta speak it.

I don't mean flip out on her and start raising hell.

I mean first chance you get, counter.

Then go about your business.

Let her flip if she's gonna flip (obviously you wouldn't do this in front of the children).

You might not be prepared to do that.

I can without a doubt tell you that's what I'd do though.

Hell I've done it.

And the side of the fence you are on as far as DBing goes is irrelevant.



Hang in there, FIB.

There's more road behind you than there is left up ahead.




Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/07/08 06:41 PM
Noted amy....I'll consider it next time an overt lie occurs. FIB
Posted By: Jeff223 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/07/08 09:31 PM
Hey FIB,
Have not talked to you in a while.

See everything is peachy in your life.

I am out of advice really. You and I have been through the wash and rinse cycle. And just when we think it may be getting better we hear the washer rev up for the high speed spin.

It sucks. How another human being can treat us like we have been treated still amazes me beyond belief. Especially someone who professed undying love and told us how great we were.

And you are right - analysis does no good. There is no reason. These people feel we hurt them and all they have left is anger and resentment for you and I destroying their lives. And so they cling to what is left - the kids for example. And they go out to ensure we are *punished* - they take at least half of everything we have - including our sanity. And then they take some more.

All I can say is where the #$@!*&^% is your lawyer???? You don't seem to have a plan and without a plan you will never survive. You need to start winning some rounds or the fight will end very badly. You need to cut her a deal and end this. She wants war - you need a defense to come out with something good for you and your kids. Please don't let me read what I know can happen without a defense: you losing the house, paying the mortgage, paying her support, paying the kids support (and all that taken out of your pay by court order - without you ever seeing it, and you having to survive on whatever is left, even if it is a negative value), plus you seeing the kids only 4 nights per month and maybe some in the summer.

We don't need another AV8R; we need a man with a plan and a lawyer to help you achieve it.

Hang in Frank. Someone once posted to me that God will never throw at us more than we can handle. I am not so sure about that anymore. But I am still alive - beats the alternative.

I am sure of one thing - I will not disappear quietly into the night without a fight.

Neither will you.

And a clean fight at that - always on the high road - treating the devil with compassion while spitting in his eye.

Strength and Honor.
Posted By: AmyC Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/07/08 10:22 PM
Quote:
Someone once posted to me that God will never throw at us more than we can handle. I am not so sure about that anymore


Good because it's a lie.

He most certainly will allow more to come upon us than we ourselves can handle.

The test is whether or not we will truly turn it over to Him.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/07/08 11:16 PM
I agree. There is no plan right now Jeff...except for the forensic CPA to appraise my practice. After that....offers can be made. Remember...I don't simply take home a paycheck. I have a practice and also work in another medical venue. That complicates matters. I have a litany of things to do now between 20 pages of questions about my practice, tons of receipts, 1099s, CV, returns, etc...to ship in...an appt with him to come to my practice and inspect and tear it apart.

Remember now....fair equitable share not only extends to the house but MY PRACTICE AS WELL. There can be no 'offers to get it done' before my practice is valuated. Then..it comes down to THAT...and custody.

What should I be doing in the interim?
-should I steal something of hers?
-should I photograph HER if the kids run into her bedroom?
-should I start making nasty comments to her?
-should I get up earlier in the morning to beat her out of making the kids lunches so I can say that I did it?

I agree with amyC. Dealing with my W....I can see this becoming MUCH WORSE before it gets better. Quoting an email a friend sent to me today, who is post D:
Quote:

I will tell you what I have been told all along...as long as they are angry and you are the target...it continues...D or no D.


My W is an angry woman.

FIB
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/07/08 11:16 PM
To KerryK.....I finished your first thread. I am so sorry that you suffered so much..... FIB
Posted By: ford Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/08/08 12:35 AM
man, too much pain going around.

good friend of mine that i've know since 6th grade. made a gazzillion in the dot com days, first wife passed in 96, stayed single till 00, married a freekin Hooters girl with a son of her own. Gave her the world, raised her son.
he came home from a business trip two weeks ago, house was empty, she took everything. even had all the cars, boat and ATVs gone. checking, gone, savings, gone, stocks, sold.

that night, the police showed up to question him about beating her and the kid..

found out she was sleeping with his step sons 18 yr old friend.

he was totally torn apart.

so much pain and destruction.

I guess I'm posting this so when we are at the end of our rope, some other poor bastard is getting it as bad or worse.

today he is doing pretty good. all he CAN do is see this through without losing everything he makes in the future. Colorado law is pretty rough on males. tonight, I'll take him on the great rocky mountain poon hunt.

word to the wise... always marry UP!
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/08/08 12:52 AM
noted ford...noted. Understood. I have reading up on UP. FIB
Posted By: smith18 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/08/08 01:20 AM
Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving
To KerryK.....I finished your first thread. I am so sorry that you suffered so much..... FIB

That Kerry in that first thread kept trying to use logic on his wife by begging and pleading. I just read the first few posts by me and I want to slap that guy.

Funny how I have forgotten about the immense pain and sorrow I had at that time.
Posted By: smith18 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/08/08 01:32 AM
Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving
Remember now....fair equitable share not only extends to the house but MY PRACTICE AS WELL. There can be no 'offers to get it done' before my practice is valuated. Then..it comes down to THAT...and custody.

Did you have the practice before you married your W?

I had ownership in my software company before marriage and I was able to prove that the valuation is the same or worse now than when I married her. They agreed to leave my stock in my company alone. For that, all the other division of assets, spousal support buyout and child support is minimal. It appears that my 20 years of work in my company is about ready to come to the big payday as we are very popular now.

Frank, you will be able to rebuild when this is all done with. Donald Trump rebuilt as have many others. Be like the phoneix and rise again. My divorced friend says it takes about 5 years to fully recover financially, but there is no set rule. You still have your 50's ahead of you which I hear is the best part of a mans life.

Next time marry UP as Ford suggests!
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/09/08 03:01 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35GfPszsq_Y
..the State of NY.

FIB
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/09/08 10:43 PM
Negative interaction.

My son developed a cough today and we kept him indoors. My STBXW stayed home today too. Unusual...and..I got to be with my kids today on a Sunday. First time that I can remember in a long time.

Tonite, after she did house chores. She asked my son if he wanted to go with her to FIL/MIL's house. D5 was asleep. He said no..that..he hadn't gotten to see me and his sis. Although not a hard push on this...she made him feel a bit guilty. As she walked away, I leaned over to him and in a soft voice I tried to tell him it was "OK". She caught this...stormed over to me...and screamed at me at the top of her voice, "YOU ARE UNDERMINING ME AS A PARENT."

After she left, I went to tell my son that there would be times that he would NOT WANT TO BE WITH ME. I told him that that was OK...that all he would have to do is just tell me, give me a hug...and give me a call later, etc. Of course, she doesn't get to see or know the balance I try to provide to him. I NEVER laud him for making those decisions...only tell him that he is free to decide what he wants to do WHEN allowable (eg, unless it's something we must go to as a family).

Anger.

Contempt.

All that is left for me.

FIB
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/11/08 01:39 PM
I re-signed up with David Cunningham's e-letters to help me move forward with my life.
Quote:

Scarcity mentality is a state of seeing everything in your life as limited and scarce. It makes you hang onto a bad relationship, bad job, etc., because a bad one is better than none at all, where an abundance mentality is a state of seeing everything as a journey to better and better things, knowing that you can create your opportunities and do what is necessary to reach your goals.

FIB
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/11/08 04:11 PM
Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving
I re-signed up with David Cunningham's e-letters to help me move forward with my life.
Quote:

Scarcity mentality is a state of seeing everything in your life as limited and scarce. It makes you hang onto a bad relationship, bad job, etc., because a bad one is better than none at all, where an abundance mentality is a state of seeing everything as a journey to better and better things, knowing that you can create your opportunities and do what is necessary to reach your goals.

FIB

OMG. Wow, a lot of lights just went on in my head. What an insight this is--and how I've been operating!! Thank you.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/11/08 06:48 PM
HM..he has wonderful insights. Although many of us are way too late when we arrive here, BOTH..men and women LBS's...need to learn a lot about keeping the interest in an M. Not easy over time. The things we are trying to undo here...creep in on us insidiously. I tell others to remember your changes and put a thousand yellow Post-It notes in your brain to keep a reminder there.

FIB
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/11/08 09:49 PM
Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving
HM..he has wonderful insights. Although many of us are way too late when we arrive here, BOTH..men and women LBS's...need to learn a lot about keeping the interest in an M. Not easy over time. The things we are trying to undo here...creep in on us insidiously. I tell others to remember your changes and put a thousand yellow Post-It notes in your brain to keep a reminder there.

FIB

Oh, and I'm big on yellow post-it notes!
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/11/08 10:57 PM
There are risks with the new job opportunity. To mention a few:
  • if you leave within 4 years, there is a huge monetary sum that you could be pursued for
  • my L says I may lose time with my kids (job is in Manhattan, 1 hour by train into the city and a period of training out of state)
  • although I would lose getting called out of the house at night, have most weekends off, holidays off, bigger paycheck...I'd be up at 4:30-5am M-F and virtually never be able to do those mundane things during the day that sometimes arise and one could squeeze off

I am seeking some fresh insight with a new CPA in Manhattan on Thursday. I think...this may be a wash. Both L's (biz L's) don't want me to sign based on the monetary restrictive covenant.

FIB
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/11/08 11:09 PM
I'm sorry it's so complicated financially, on top of everything else.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/12/08 01:57 PM
It's the name of the game HM. Most D's involve financial washout or, at the least,loss of the house. Not all. Most. On the brighter side, most will recover down the line tho' I've heard it takes up to 5 years.

You can have your credit rating destroyed, but, they can't throw you in jail. FIB
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/12/08 02:18 PM
Yeah, this is my second time around. Last time I lost the house that I had owned before I got married. It's hard to start over financially after a certain age. Sounds like your situation is a little more complicated than most, tho.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/12/08 03:41 PM
Living under the same roof is not healthy...this far out from filing. Most words that emanate from my W's mouth are negative in some way shape or form.

It was cold the other night. I tried to light a fire in the fireplace.

W: YOU KNOW...that is ONLY GOING TO WORSEN THEIR COUGHS.

It didn't. I said nothing.

I'm sticking with scarcity mentality. If filing turned my W into Megamom...and it persists...then there will be SOME positive that comes out of all this. It took the fear of losing her children.........

FIB
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/12/08 04:52 PM
Sounds as if she definitely has scarcity mentality. And a few other mentalities as well....
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/16/08 05:17 AM
It's still difficult.

Tonite, I went to my friend's 50th birthday. I've known him forever. We grew up together.

In a room full of people I felt alone.

A good buddy of mine was there...still in great shape after all these years. His wife was there...an attractive woman. She approached me and started to talk near the end of the evening:

Her: Are you married?
Me: Well...I'm sorry to say that I am going thru a divorce
Her: Do you have kids?
Me: Yes...8 and 5. How did you meet 'John'?
Her: I was with my father on his boat and some tall handsome guy was windsurfing. I was seeing some other great catch but I told my dad I had to go meet that guy. He thought I was crazy. So, after John pulled up...and he was wearing cool Hawaiian bathing suit...I went over to meet him. I ended up dumping the other guy and my parents thought I was crazy.
Me: ...and he still is in great shape
Her: ..he still has a great body....(she made some other comment about holding high expectations)
Me: Did you ever find out what happened to the other guy
Her: I heard he still wants to be with me but he is married and has kids.


So...I listened to her story which....as it unfolded....played across my mind and ears as one of attraction, unwimpiness and maintenance of that. 18 years.

During the conversation, some minor discussion of my sitch came out and at one point, as I find happens not infrequently, the OW listening will 'defend' the STBXW. It is difficult not to try and defend oneself...but...I don't (N.U.T.) and I change course in the conversation but in a 'fair' way to STBXW.


Then, here it comes:
Her: I have someone if you would like to meet somebody.
Me: That would be nice..but...perhaps after all the smoke clears.
Her: Did you check out J Date?

I drove home......



FIB
Posted By: graceallday Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/16/08 03:18 PM
ok ?? I dont want to make and assumption? who was J's date? is it her?
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/17/08 03:49 PM
Not sure what that means GAD.

I came home from my buddy's 50th and, at 1:45 AM, my STBXW was sitting bolt upright watching TV. Unusual to say the least. D5 was sleeping next to her on the couch. As usual, I try to be polite and upbeat:

Me: Wow..what you are doing up so late? You should be asleep.
W: (mutters something)
Me: I'll bring D5 upstairs.

I then go to the MBR and go sleep.

In the AM, I awake and trudge to the coffee machine. Before I can even push the button:

W: WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PAY ME THE MONEY FOR THE MEDICINE AND COPAYS???? (she gave me the note less than 2 days ago and I am required to pay 80% of noncovered med expenses.)

(I've barely even opened my eyes yet)

W: YOU ARE UNDER COURT ORDER TO A PAY. (she goes on loudly...pushing this in my face)

Me: (softly) I'm making my coffee.

She persists and finally, after trying to not say anything so early in the morning:
Me: As father and H (mistake for saying this), I'm going to take care of you and the kids.

W: YOU ARE NEITHER TO ME.

Later in the afternoon, I came home from my son's soccer game and W and D5 were gone. There was a note that was pleasantly written about how well D5 cleaned her room...how good a girl she was...and a smiley face was written. ??????????
When she came home, she crumpled it up and threw it out.

I'm not sure why it still hurts. I called one of my DB buddies who lifted my spirits. I guess....a positive here...is that I didn't react like I would have a year ago, took the beating, and stayed calm.

Again, like many here, I could sit for hours and trying to analyze all this:
-why was she waiting up?
-why did she have to attack me before I even had my eyes open?
-why a happy note with smiley face only hours later?

Forget it. It never made any sense and still doesn't.

Trying to stay strong.
FIB
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/17/08 04:17 PM
Why does it hurt? I think it always hurts when someone goes out of their way to be mean-spirited and rude, especially when you have done nothing to deserve it. Simple as that. And when it's someone we once bared our souls to, it's even worse.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/23/08 06:11 AM
I've not posted much as I have been going thru an inner 'emotional backslide'. I'm having a rough time of it but I must work this thru. Renewed behavior of hers:going out late on Weds and Sats...boxes of new clothes...Crest White strips.....photos with me in it being dumped on my mail...

...But....I filed.

I don't need to see this so I need to rush my paperwork. It still hurts.

Why????

I changed D5 out of her soccer uniform today and she shows me a drawing she made demonstrating what appears to be a man and a woman standing together.
D5: Dad...know what this is?
Me: what honey?
D5: A man getting married to a woman...it's you and mommy
Me: It's a nice drawing honey
D5: I showed it to mom yesterday and she got a little bit sad. She said she needs to be apart to get happy. Is that true dad?
Me: We're all going to be very happy.

Tonite, D5 fell playing and was complaining of left arm pain. I took her to the ER. Left two VMs and eventually W responded ("the music was too loud"). She met me at the hospital. I made her a coffee and reviewed the X-rays with her. I signed the discharge instruction sheet,which, she insisted on signing as well.

My marriage is over and I need to move on.

FIB
Posted By: WCW Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/23/08 01:12 PM
Hello FIB.
I bet you are keeping track of those times that Supermom is going out and not around to take care of the kids? In it's own strange way that should be good for you and the D proceedings?

Is your D5 okay? You left a VM for W, why did you choose to leave a 2nd one?

Holidays are coming, that will make it even easier to have emotional backslides. What can you find to bring smiles in your life?
Posted By: graceallday Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/23/08 02:19 PM
i am sad to read the exchange you had with your daughter about "being happy" I just think it is plain sad that we teach our kids this kind of stuff...we send a message its all about being happy...do you really think that is why we are here on earth living these lives and is that really what we as parents should be teaching our children......that it is all about being "happy" I know I am singing to the choir...I hope that i can teach my sons different....and the sad trap is....all that divorce brings.....happiness some how i think the problems you leave are easier than the onew you change in for with divorce....waking up 50% of the time with your kids not in your home ....oh yeah thats happiness ( not)I wonder what women ( mother would deifine that as happiness
Posted By: Bworl Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/23/08 07:23 PM
FIB,

You were right to tell your 5 year old daughter that you will all be happy. Despite what some think, our children don't need to be dragged any further into these messes than they already are.

Yes, shame on us all. Shame on us for having a spouse who turns their back on their promises, their vows, their beliefs and morals. Shame on us for allowing their violations to push us to the point that we can finally agree with them - this marriage is no longer healthy or able to be saved.

Which of your decisions would you change Frank? If you had not filed, if you had allowed the status to remain quo, would things be all better now? Of would your wife now be on OM4 or OM5? Would you still be caring for the kids basic needs pretty much on your own while your wife was out looking for a new partner?

Your actions caused her anger and bitterness to come to the surface finally. Your actions took away her ability to PRETEND to be considering the marriage. And your actions provoked her to once again take up the mantle of being a Mom, even if her motivations for doing so are not quite right.

It is time for this thing to move forward so that all of you can get about your lives without the constant reminders of the hurt and pain staring you in the face each day.

No, divorce is not good for us or our children. But as far too many of us have learned, it takes BOTH partners in the marriage wanting a healed relationship for it to take place. One spouse is more than capable of ending a marriage regardless of what the other one wants.

Release yourself Frank. Stop living in the guilt, because, honestly, you've taken far more than your fair share already. Stop allowing your wife and her actions to cause you to doubt your honor and your integrity.


Blessings,

Bill
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/23/08 09:08 PM
Great post. Thanks Bill.

To graceallday....sorry that you interpreted that post wrong. I am not teaching my daughter that divorce will make us happy.

I am teaching her that she is responsible for her OWN happiness.

Yes grace...I chose to file. It was MY WIFE who chose to depart. I live with my decision everyday.

FIB
Posted By: dl443322 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/24/08 03:04 AM
Oh FIB, my friend, stop beating yourself up. You went above and beyond to try and save your marriage. You gave it your all and then some.

There really was absolutely nothing else you could have done. Find solace in that fact.

FIB, there is nothing else to be done but for you to live well with the same honor and dignity you have shown throughout this.

Listen to me, you did your best, you tried your hardest, and I know you are beating yourself up wondering why is wasnt enough.

Your wife is broken, she is lost and she is on a path that she must follow, and you cannot fix it for her.

Please be good to yourself and your children. Remember that you are a great father and a good person. And one day, you will be happy again. You will be.
Posted By: graceallday Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/24/08 04:25 PM
I wasnt referring to you in my post about sad thing is we areteaching our kids, its all about our happiness, I was reference what I understood you wife to say that she needed to be away from you to be happy...i thought that was sad.....I just believe that america is really messed up...we are spoiled and everyone thinks our purpose in life is to be happy.....i dont mean i think we should all stay and be miserable...i mean we have a responsibility to not put ourselves first..and by serving others that is actually what brings happiness..so many are so deceived and your wife will find that out one day.....and the sad thing is a family is taken down in the mean time....the statics state over and over that down the road people look back on the divorce and realize had they done things different....the outcome would be different...frank i know you tried...now is not the time to worry, trust in God, move forward, he knows where you are at...surrendor your wife to him....focus on your kids...and your purpose in life and hopefully you will find your way..i think you have done great...your wife is very a shallow,...but she is clearly hurting...remember hurting people hurt others....that is the source of the misery she brings to your family....her hurts .....and its a road she has to travel by herself...unfortunely
Posted By: smith18 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/24/08 05:12 PM
Well said graceallday. I had this talk a while back with a very good friend. He and I both thought that it was so crazy that our wives and society puts so much importance on "being happy" to the point of "selfishness". Both him and I were ok with making sacrifices in happiness for the benefit of the family because we thought that in the long run it was the right thing to do in order for long term happiness.

Frank and I (and many others) that filed did indeed try. There is only so much one can tolerate - for me, it was including our children in her affair (and other things) that crossed my line.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/26/08 06:12 PM
To grace...that was a powerful post and I am fortunate to have you here. I agree.

To KerryK....we hoped, believed and tried and, like you, I filed only because I continued to be hurt and boundaries continued to be crossed.

I personally believe that bringing children into the world is a gift. That gift comes with self-sacrifice. Our children are vulnerable until they are old enough to take care of themselves.

No one deserves to stay in a hurtful destructive R. Keeping a family whole is a choice...for TWO PEOPLE.

I am thankful...for all of you...for helping me get through the darkest 3 years of my life. It would have been much worse without your help. I am strengthened to see the courage that many women have here to hold out for an intact family. I am strengthened by the men who show courage despite feelings of emasculation. I am also strengthened by those who, have the courage to decide when their spirit has been destroyed to the point that standing longer would affect their ability to care for their children. I only wish that more M's could be saved.

I am thankful for the ability that G-d gave me to help the sick.

I am thankful for my health.

I am thankful for the good memories I have from my W but especially grateful to her for creating life with me.

I am thankful, especially, for my two beautiful children. I am so proud of them.

Originally Posted By: The Talmud

Save one life and you save the world entire

Thanks to all of you for helping to carry me through this.

Now...please pass the stuffing.
FIB
Posted By: Bworl Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 11/27/08 01:09 AM
FIB,

A blessed Thanksgiving holiday to you and yours.

There were times during the heat of my sitch that you almost carried me through with your encouragement and meaningful words. You were my model for how to be a man and father.

None of us deserve what has happened in our lives through the hands of one that we loved.

Most especially our children.

Know that as the years go by and your children grow, they will remember the father that you have been to them. In Thanksgivings to come, it will be you that they give their greatest thanksgivings for.

Always here my friend.


Blessings,

Bill
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/02/08 08:54 PM
Bill...belated thanks for your kind words. My Thanksgiving went well. My W decided to split the day fairly. We decided 8-4, 4-12. I picked up my kids at 4. She said nothing to me but that is the standard right now. I did great during the day. Did some chores, etc.

Although for the present, I have not seen anger or vindictiveness of late, I am a nonentity in the house:
  • my laundry doesn't get done or folded
  • no meals are prepared for me
  • I do not get coffee brought home anymore
  • my only communication is when the kids go for health appts or to confirm if I will be home when she has to go somewhere
  • there is no spontaneous communication to me


I had a rough emotional week last week. I call them inner emotional backslides. I needed to call two of my supporters here. I met with my IC and went for a long walk with her. She lets me direct where we go. I brought up why...why after all this time...do I still languish and have an ounce of hope left in there when there is none? Truly, there isn't. My W despises me. Ironically, she told me she sees a lot of improvement. She saw me as much more assertive and ..then...we reviewed Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' stages:
  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

My IC sees me now in the last stage.....acceptance.

I treat my STBXW with respect as best I can. I say hello. I tell her that I will see her later (she doesn't respond to me). I support her when she needs 'assistance' with the kids. I offered to help bring the tree up from the basement. However, when I began to decorate some today, she told me to hold off on her stuff as she is not 'going gang busters' on the decorations. She gave me a list of what she bought...probably not so that I wouldn't duplicate it but so not to show her up since Hanukkah is on the 21st.

She then told me that she was taking the kids with her parents to see the Christmas Show in NYC on the 15th. I told her great, and, added, that I told my family that I didn't want anything re a party for my 50th (in February) but I may want to go away with the kids (winter break). She got defensive, and, classicly, she changed everything I said around:

W: I'm allowed to take a vacation with the kids. My last vacation was Disney World (that was in 2005 pre-bomb).

Me: XXX....I didn't say you couldn't. It's been a rough 2 years and you deserve a vacation. I said that I was thinking of going away with them for my 50th BD.

Except for one frame, all our photos are down. it's just a matter of time. Our court date was cancelled yesterday. My practice appraisal was not completed. I think she is pissed. She wants me out.

Finally, I have stopped my fear of answering the phone if her family calls. Her sister called this morning. She actually was nice to me...even apologized for not thanking me for cards that I had sent her on the birth of her twins. In a world of divorce, she actually seemed nice to me. I thanked her....congratulated her on her new family....and reminded her that when the kids were stronger (were premature)...to invest in a baby sitter and get out with her H. It felt good, but, who knows what is real or fake anymore.

I keep my head up as best I can. I registered D5 for girls lacrosse at her request. I am upbeat. I play with them. I do homework 2X a week with them. I let my W be the MegaMom in the morning. I say nothing when she goes out at night.

I am still saddened at the loss of my M, but, I KNOW in my heart that she would have continued this pattern of behavior.

Sadly, some marriages were not meant to be saved.

Strength and honor.
FIB
Posted By: Bworl Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/03/08 12:24 AM
FIB,

Grief really is a process. We can try to rationally pick our way through the process, hoping to subvert steps along the way, but I honestly think that we all eventually pass through each of those stages.

Again I tell you my friend, eventually as the divorce process unfolds and decisions are finally made, you will reach a point where you are no longer dealing with conflict in YOUR home everyday. You will be amazed at the healing power of peace. There is incredible satisfaction with finally being able to move FORWARD with your life, something that is incredibly difficult for you right now while you share a living space.

It will be rocky at first, figuring out how to balance each of your roles in terms of the children. And there will be nights that you will grieve all over again just thinking about not being able to be with your children whenever you want. But the power will come from the fact that you are once again living.

You know that you are a fine man, a wonderful physician, a loyal and supportive friend, and a committed father. Never allow the rough times to overwhelm you to the point that you begin to believe anything but good will once again be in your life. Good people survive AND thrive because there are not nearly enough of them in the world.

So grit your teeth my friend. Put an end to the self-recriminations. Set your eyes on the future and begin thinking about how you will make your new life full and vibrant.

I pray for peace and rest for you every day my friend.


Blessings,

Bill
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/05/08 02:26 AM
To all..I was asked to be the lacrosse coach for our areas lacrosse program, girls lacrosse K, 1 and 2. I accepted and I'm very excited about this.

My W keeps calling me with 'what toys are you buying'. I told her, respectfully, that I am sure that we will not overlap and that her gifts always come from the heart and the kids love them. There was no need to keep calling about it. She seemed surprised.

This will probably get deleted but I am looking into organizing a men's 'boot camp'...becoming a better man...not repeating mistakes...keeping an R fun and staying attractive...maybe in my home....run by a 'famous' motivational speaker. I'm curious what the interest would be. FIB
Posted By: ford Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/05/08 02:35 AM
Heyya FIB.

my X just called me the [censored] to end all assholes.

so I'm sure I must have done something right!!!

lemme know if I can help
Posted By: AmyC Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/05/08 02:53 AM
Your ex sure is a dainty lil thang, ford.


LOL
Posted By: ford Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/05/08 03:07 AM
LOL, she's 5'0" 100lbs of hellfire.
Posted By: AmyC Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/05/08 03:09 AM
I have NO doubt!

HAA!
Posted By: AmyC Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/05/08 03:11 AM
Quote:
This will probably get deleted but I am looking into organizing a men's 'boot camp'...becoming a better man...not repeating mistakes...keeping an R fun and staying attractive...maybe in my home....run by a 'famous' motivational speaker. I'm curious what the interest would be. FIB


It won't get deleted as quickly as it would have once upon a time, I bet!

If it does - post it to the group on facebook.

FWIW I think it's a GREAT idea!
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/07/08 01:31 AM
Thanks. My followers have dwindled. The clock is ticking, FIB
Posted By: SingleDad Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/07/08 01:43 AM
Faith - I am still around - You know I do not log-in much - but you always know how to call me.

I have been thinking the same thing - I don't recognize my W anymore either... I do not understand why they change so much... The want something else and the "giver" is gone... The only thing that is left is the "taker".
Posted By: ford Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/07/08 01:50 AM
fib

i'm still here. I need that budget boob job.

holla....
Posted By: fisherman Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/07/08 02:00 AM
Better man boot camp??

I'm down with that.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/07/08 06:12 PM
Any other takers for a weekend seminar or bootcamp?

As time moves on, it is a bittersweet pill to take--the pain of a destroyed family...the relief of having broken the limbo and seen my W's true colors. I'm OK

FIB
Posted By: princess_nic Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/07/08 07:50 PM
Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving
My W keeps calling me with 'what toys are you buying'. I told her, respectfully, that I am sure that we will not overlap and that her gifts always come from the heart and the kids love them. There was no need to keep calling about it. She seemed surprised.


Why not just tell her? Sounds controlling to me.

Or if you don't know yet, ask her what she's getting.

Everything doesn't have to be a battle, FIB.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/08/08 04:11 AM
It's not a battle nic...she is trying to control me. I don't call her for a blow by blow toy inventory. There really is no need for the call. We don't need 'toy calls' anymore. She once tried to have me arrested.

If this puts things in perspective....her mother gave me two 8x10's of her holding our babies a long time ago. I was cleaning up my office tonite and came across them. I put them on her night table tonite. I can't look at them anymore. Biggest anti-DB'ing thing I've ever done in awhile. I don't feel bad about it...she left a handful of pix similarly on my papers a few weeks ago.

It's over and I need to clean up and move on. Once they harpoon you, at least for me, it kills something. I have no need for the wedding album, video, pix of her, etc.

(BTW..she was out 'til 3Am last night...toy phone calls??????)

FIB
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/08/08 04:17 AM
Fading......FIB
Posted By: AmyC Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/08/08 04:54 AM

What's up with that last post, FIB?
Posted By: Cinderellaman Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/08/08 12:30 PM
FIB,

Are you ok ?
Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving
Fading......FIB


I'm a bit worried....
Posted By: princess_nic Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/08/08 03:21 PM
Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving
It's not a battle nic...she is trying to control me. I don't call her for a blow by blow toy inventory. There really is no need for the call. We don't need 'toy calls' anymore. She once tried to have me arrested.


(BTW..she was out 'til 3Am last night...toy phone calls??????)



I'm not getting connection.


FIB - I've been there, it sucks. I know you're in pain. But Christmas is for your kids - stop making yourself a victim.

And I'll shut up now, b/c I obviously am not patient enough to be all cuddly.

I really do wish you all the best,
N
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/08/08 05:44 PM
nic...not sure why you are angry at me. It IS about the kids. I carried her tree up today...offered to help her get it together....etc. I have left a lot of things out over the last few weeks.....she is still pushing buttons.

Part of my pain nic is that my kids are Jewish..one is enrolled in Hebrew school...she agreed to raise them that way and still does. But things are being done outside of this that cause a lot of contradiction and confusion. I have not said anything BECAUSE it is about the kids right now. I can't discuss it here because I don't think it is a conversation that is easily had. Thanks for your continued support tho'. I'm sorry if you feel the need to sign off or if you took something typed as an attack.

FIB
Posted By: dl443322 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/08/08 08:49 PM
Hey FIB, just checking in to say hi! I think the sooner this is over for you,the better off you'll be. Right now, she is not a worthy person - not worthy of your time or energy.

Keep the focus on the kids. Be their voice of reason, their beacon of light. Show by example as I know you do and love them fiercely. Hang in there. And remember there are women in the world who appreciate a man with morals who love their children and want what is best for them. Sorry your wife isnt one of them.
Posted By: princess_nic Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/08/08 08:50 PM
FIB,

I'm not angry at YOU - I'm annoyed at the spin you're putting on this, b/c you are making it about your R with her. She is your ex. That means that yes, you talk about Christmas gifts, but she can go out till she pleases. As can you (although you *choose* not to).

FIB, she's not your wife anymore. She is a co-parent. That's it.

I know it's hard to live with someone who is acting that way (i.e. unmarried), but the bright side is, at least you are aware of the situation! I lived with that for 3 years, with no idea what was going on.

I feel like you are looking for sympathy, but that you are acting in a way that is not the man I KNOW you can be. That's what I meant about not being able to be cuddly. You're past that. IMHO, it's not time for "oh poor fib, boo hoo".

It's the holidays. It's freakin' hard for EVERYONE, even people that are happily married.

I went to a Christmas concert last night w/ a friend who started to cry in the middle of it. This is her first holiday w/o her husband, who died in the spring of a freak virus. She was 6 months pregnant with their second child. They were so in love with each other, and with their toddler, and now she is raising two little ones alone, mourning a much-too-early death. He was a wonderful husband and father. Amazingly, her faith is still strong, and she believes that God has a plan for her.

I know you hurt and I'm not trying to diminish that. But this is REAL perspective

And I know you know this.

N
Posted By: Gman3388 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/09/08 12:34 AM
Im here too Bro...I just took a break from the boards.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/09/08 09:08 PM
Quote:
I feel like you are looking for sympathy, but that you are acting in a way that is not the man I KNOW you can be. That's what I meant about not being able to be cuddly. You're past that. IMHO, it's not time for "oh poor fib, boo hoo".

Not at all nic. My W is doing things with the kids that are confusing to them. This has nothing to do with me needing coddling, sympathy, etc. The kids are being confused and played and THIS IS where my pain is. Not for her...not for the M......

Not sure where you thought that I needed sympathy but I won't spend that time there.

XXX is free to go and do as she pleases. It is NOT OK to still hurt the kids or have outbursts in front of them nor confuse them.

As for the toys, divorced parents move on with their lives, they make major life decisions together about their kids if they have joint custody. I'm not sure they have to 'check their lists twice' together on who is buying what for them. Besides...nic...is Christmas about the kids? or..is it the celebration of the birth of Christ? I would think it's the celebration of the birth of the man who gave the world love and hope and faith...and the celebration of family.....

Not sure, but, JMO.
FIB
Posted By: sandycay Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/09/08 10:09 PM
Set me straight, are you still in the house?
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/10/08 02:27 PM
Yes sandy. I am still in there and am INSTRUCTED to stay there by my L. Although there is no more talk of any type outside of necessities for the kids, I still have to deal with her posturing, corraling the kids, occasional outbursts of negativity and, of course, having the house as a stage.

As nic said above, we are getting D'd and my W is free to do what she wants. That's not the issue nor does hurt like it did a long time ago. I just don't need to see it..and being required to stay there prevents me from making that 'final detachment'.

FIB
Posted By: Bworl Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/10/08 02:45 PM
FIB,

I remember my last month in the Army. I was just about done with my tour of duty, had been in Germany for nearly three years. My first son had been born there and my family had only seen him during a brief couple weeks of leave about half way through my time there.

I was already accepted to Purdue University to begin course work for a degree in Computer engineering. I was very excited about that. As a family we would finally be back in the States and be able to see loved ones on a regular basis again.

I did NOT want to be in my unit anymore. I was ready to go. We used to call it "short-timers" disease. You lose your motivation, it's hard to get up and get going in the morning, and it's difficult to feel particularly motivated about doing a stellar job in what you do wind up doing.

But you know what? You press on. You get up each day and you continue to do the best job you can at what you are asked to do. You begin to stay away from conversations regarding long range plans, because you know you won't be part of them. And the people in your unit who irritate you for whatever reason, well, you just find a way to avoid them, knowing they won't be a problem for you for long.

I think about that time, and I think about your situation, and I see alot of similarities. I couldn't make that last month go by any faster, and neither can you. But I also couldn't stop being Bill and all that entails, and neither can you stop being FIB and all that entails.

We make the best of it my friend.

We think about the positives that the future holds for us. We dream about the new, exciting things that are to come. And we avoid situations that remind us of the drudgery that we are soon to be leaving.

Stay strong. Stay true to who you are. This is but a season, though I know like it feels endless.

Do you not see your "invincible summer" just up ahead?


Blessings,

Bill
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/10/08 03:03 PM
Bill..thanks so much. I continue to do 'the best I can'. I have accepted a coaching position for girls lacrosse. My first clinic is Saturday. Although I didn't want to go last night, I went to my OR holiday party and HAD A GREAT TIME!

The rumors are now spreading...I guess not too bad considering I got bombed almost 3 years ago. I hold my head up and I try NOT to discuss this AT ALL anymore. Rehashing does nothing.

When my W corrals the kids, I get busy doing something else. When there is no note on a Monday eve when I come home and no one is there...I tell myself that this will be what it's like when I don't get them. I don't call her or complain anymore that there is no contact. I read...cook...clean.....

I've stopped fighting and competing to prove that I am an involved dad. I AM. I have now refocused on my job and let go a bit of having to be at every well appointment, etc. I love my children and I can easily see that they love me.

I will take care of myself and when my fate is decided by the courts, I will make a new life and new home and parent my kids the way I want. I WILL try to continue to co-parent with her vs. parallel parent.

As someone mentioned on mules thread, women want to dance with me...set me up with people...etc. Although I am not ready, I can now see that there will be an opportunity to start anew. It wasn't in my plan, but, I have to live and move forward since SHE chose to depart.

I have my bad days still.

I work it.
FIB
Posted By: dl443322 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/10/08 09:03 PM
Fib, you are human, bad days will be had. This is not what you thought your life would be like. Letting go of that vision is a difficult thing. Seeing your w all the time makes it even harder.

And your children know that you are a good father. Believe that. Children are very intuitive and they can feel your love. Try to make it as easy as possible for them when dealing with your wife in the future.

Hang tough, my friend. We have to believe that all things happen for a reason.
Posted By: princess_nic Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/10/08 11:37 PM
Okay, we obviously disagree on what's appropriate.

Best wishes to all at this holiday season.

Nicola
Posted By: theoden Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/11/08 07:00 AM
FIB,

I'm interested in the bootcamp/seminar

I have your email I think.

--Theoden
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/12/08 02:37 PM
Noted theoden. The domain changed but don't scream out ya-hoooooo about it. I have about 4 interested so far including myself.

Sometimes, I wake up...or...I"m driving....or in the shower....and a wave of disbelief comes over me that 3 years just blew by and I can't believe that this is really happening.

This is just a statement...not a 'whoa is me' comment.

FIB
Posted By: Bworl Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/12/08 03:32 PM
FIB,

If I was anywhere close to NY, you know I'd be in. Sounds like a great idea to me.

Bill
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/15/08 11:22 PM
theoden..can you email me thru frank_d?

I guess...I should update a bit better from time to time. It is now one year since I filed. My W has gone through some bitter anger and has disdain for me. Of late, I think she has moved more into indifference. My daughter makes comments to me that are not unexpected to hear with regards to two people going thru a divorce:
-"mommy says you can't be friends for a few years"
-"mommy says she has to be apart from you"
My daughter is now, as she grows older, beginning to recognize the division and is becoming sad:
"-daddy, I am sad that you and mommy aren't friends anymore".

Last night, at bedtime, I put her to sleep and an unexpected question came up:
-dad, how did you and mommy meet and fall in love?"

In the dark...I stroked her brow...and I told her the whole story, leaving out the latter difficult details.

My daughter was sad. "Daddy, why can't you and mommy be friends again?" I told that we were ALL going to be happy again...that I will ALWAYS be her daddy...that I will ALWAYS take care of her..that I am ALWAYS here to listen to her and that she can ALWAYS come to daddy to talk.

Does anyone here....ever..move past THIS part of the sadness? The pain that the kids go thru?

I know the overall tone is sad in this post, but, I am in a better place than I was a year ago. I still have my moments of sadness and grieving, but, the woman that lives with me...I don't recognize anymore. Pardon my language, but, she could give a flying $hit about what is going on in my life. As nic says...we are divorcing. I agree..this is divorce.

In response to my recent inquiry to her..about dividing up the holidays, this is her verbatim response, typewritten for me:
Quote:

Yes..I agree. Thanksgiving went very well and everyone enjoyed their day.

Christmas and Chanukah are fast approaching and with a view to your message, this is what I believe will work best for all of us.

On the first night of Chanukah, I wish to be at home with the children to celebrate and open presents, December 22. Later in the evening of course, they are free to be with your family.

The remaining days of the Chanukah holiday will be celebrated by you with the children with the exception of Dec. 24 evening when we will be having dinner with my brother. On Christmas morning Dec. 25, I wish to spend time with the children and you opening Christmas presents. later in the day, the children and myself will be spending the day with my parents.

New Year's Eve--well, it is my turn this year. I'm sure that you'll remember that you celebrated New Year's Eve with them last year. This year, everything being equal, it is my turn to be with them.
New Years Day is open for further discussion.
Thanks.
XXX


FIB
Posted By: dl443322 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/16/08 02:09 AM
Oh FIB, I am sorry. Sorry for your children and for you. It just all stinks, all the way around.

The only thing you can do is be there for your children. And pray that someday you and your wife will be able to develop a warmer, more compassionate relationship so that the children will heal.

My friend, you are going to have good days and bad for a long time. Eventually there will be more good than bad. This is my wish for you and yours.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/16/08 05:07 PM
Agreed BM...agreed. As above, tho', it's my kids now. FIB
Posted By: spitfire23 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/17/08 04:14 PM
FIB,

Does anyone here....ever..move past THIS part of the sadness? The pain that the kids go thru?

I wish I could tell you yes. But in my heart, I don't believe we ever do. Maybe it will wane in time. I know I will never get past this part of the sadness. My children deserved better and they were pretty much grown up when our world came crashing down. Your children are still small and may be better able to adapt. Bottom line. Children of divorce are always damaged by the disintegration of their nuclear family...whether they are 5 or 50.

I wish it were not so.

Hugs,
Spitty
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/18/08 11:08 AM
FIB,
((ouch)) Okay, so when is the damn time period up? I need a number of days I can count so we all know when we can celebrate...Geez.
A few little thoughts. The Christmas tree you helped with, but you also seem bugged the kids are being raised Jewish, as promised, so why the confusing symbols? Well, for one thing, though Christmas trees were originally "Christian", they've become part of the Santa /secular/vague whatever goes part of the holiday. I have Jewish friends who like Christmas trees and put the Channukah presents under them. Wth? Not for me to judge. And I have Jewish friends who don't mind celebrating Jesus's birthday b/c they see him as a good guy and I suspect they'd do the same for Martin Luther King if that were the tradition. It's not necessarily so bad, is it? I mean, can the kids be exposed to both faiths generically, without feeling like traitors? Recall that so much of Judeo-Christian thougt is just that; both...and the main emphasis sounds like it's Jewish, with some Christian/secular traditions that are socially practiced, also coming into play. From a kids viewpoint, the more gift reasons the better. And the whole Santa with presents is way cool.

Your wife so bothers me, and yet, with all that anger from her you are overlooking the obvious. You think her hatred means something it does not. Indifference would be better in some ways, MAYBE...but she is far from indifferent. Her anger shows how much power you still have, AND OR how miserable she is inside. It matters NOT. I don't think you should worry about what she thinks/does/says as long as it doesn't hurt the kids. As I said somewhere else, you may as well worry and obsess about snowfall levels. You have no control over this woman. I'm not sure what she means by calling YOU a hypocrite? Whatever... snowfall??? Wear more layers!

Again, give us a time line so we know how long you/we have. I want to make the paper chain my d11 has for Christmas, wherein you tear one paper ring for each day closer to the big day. It will be like Christmas for us on this board, the day your wife and you don't have to be under the same roof...Good God...

I never was clear about your med practice, pre-marriage so I'm not sure how that works though I'm familiar with forensic accountants looking at practices. But things will come out in the custody arrangements that will likely have an effect on the judge. I mean, not officially since it's supposed to be irrelevant. But judges are human. When they hear of her going out and somehow, somehow getting the word out about her night time acitivities, and your lack thereof, (for now) it will occur to the judge that something is amiss. I'm female and admit to a subconscious bias in favor of women that I try to fight. I think I'm fundamentally fair or at least I try to be. But I also have women's intuition and I have cornered women like your wife in my office when I was stuck doing legal assistance and told them exactly what I thought of their choices. Dumping or mistreating a guy who is a good man, is foolish and selfish. Women aren't blind and male judges will pick up on this too. I pray your wife attacks you in front of people and that you keep some of the crazier messages. In fact, I urge you to do so.

Did you say your L has experience in the med practice analysis? God, I'd hold off on any increases in income until after W can't get her paws on any. How's HER career going? You know, she may marry soon and that'd be good news for you financially.
Won't her alimony end upon cohabitation or remarriage? I don't see her alone for long. She needs to feel desired, by guys who aren't better than her. Since she's attractive and was once married to a doctor, some men see it as an accomplishment to win over a "good catch" like her. I know that may sound painful to you but my God, it'll be favor.

Remember that story I told you about my aunt, who was broken hearted by an unfaithful husband decades ago? (Well, though I tell it all the time I forgive you if it slipped your mind...of course, I'll now repeat it and if you Do recall it, I apologize for repeating myself) ANYHOW...her h left her and the 2 kids, dirt broke, for OW and married OW. (Part of her being dirt broke was that the h lived overseas and didn't have to obey US laws...nice touch for a diplomat). After 6 months of borrowing from in laws, She got a teaching job in elementary school so her kids had her hours, thankfully. It wasn't what she had wanted for a career, but she put motherhood first. 8 years passed and the OW called my aunt to ask if H was there, with my aunt...MEANING, h was still cheating! now it was with ow the 'new wife' and the man just isn't a man who can be faithful. My aunt said a wave of relief swept over her at that time, so many realizations hit her.

Her X H had done her a huge favor, though a painful one at the time, he had saved her years--a LIFE TIME of pain by leaving her. The OW had become his w and SHE had 8 years of the same crap my aunt had gone through before. And more, since she (ow-new wife) is still with the guy, and they're both bitter. My aunt? Oh, she remarried, for 25 years she had a good marriage to a close friend of her first H, and then her 2nd h died suddenly. She is now in a good solid fun R with her younger 60 year/old bf and says the "sex is great!" I love it when my 70 year old aunt says stuff like that. (She looks 50 and can almost out run me, seriously in good California work out shape). FIB, my earliest memories were of this aunt crying to my mother, about her h leaving her. She was smart and dressed well and was in the foreign service and she seemed destroyed. I know she landed at the DC airport with $28 in her pockets and two toddlers holding her hands, and got no money at all from her h overseas, for months at a time. After all, he had a new family to care for as the OW had kids and a h she had to dump too.

But the day the OW called trying to find her h, (ie my aunt's xh), my aunt knew that OW had entered my aunt's former hell, and that my aunt had been freed & was free to love someone who wouldn't give her an ulcer every time h claimed to be "working late".

FIB, your w would continue her behavior if you stayed. For God's sake, your filing has not improved her behavior at all. If anything, your filing seems obviously to be the right thing for YOU and your kids. How else will your children see what a normal R looks like down the road? My friend "E", the widower with 4 kids is not ready to date and says he barely has enough to give his kids what they need. He said "I'm too selfish right now, conserving my energy for me and the kids, I don't have anything to give another person and it'd be unfair..." Now THAT guy will be a catch, when he's ready. Granted, his grief was sudden and his M was one we'd all envy. 14 months later, he says he feels "less insane", but my hunch is that when he is ready to date, he'll be truly ready and healthy and will love again. His children will see that and that's a good thing. In your case, your kids will finally see a good M. They would never see that with your w's behavior.

I don't like what your w tells the kids for their sakes. She doesn't need to say you can't be friends. Doesn't she talk to child psychologists at all? I know I did and even my h did go with me as to what to say when we thought we'd have to address the obvious fact that we were struggling in our M. I told d11 that I didn't know if we were getting a D, (I know you can't say that, but a lot of what we were told COULD be said in your sitch too).

Things like "I've loved your dad/mom a long time and always will...even if we can't stay married..." "The main thing we both know is that we will ALWAYS love you and your happiness is the most important thing to me---and for my youngest, the most comforting I think she heard was, "I'll only do what I think will make you the happiest in the long run", knowing that fighting insanely isn't the answer, but moving around and around searching for whatever h thought he wanted...was not going to make her or me happy. WHEn we were in Alaska, d11 wanted to move back her from a month or two into the move. I promised her we'd give it a year, as she had promised. But her tears and missing home here, and her friends, and my own feelings there, and H's work contract being breached, ALL were good reasons to leave Alaska. But D11 remembered that promise I made and threw it in my face and said "You promised me my happiness mattered the most!" and so I kept my promise, and said, "if you don't change your mind, and if we can't make it work here, we'll move back." WE landed here, in California, on her 11th birthday...
If you make the promise, keep it. WIthin the confines of your sitch. I couldn't promise that we'd stay M, and d11 knew that.



Like your kids, She was afraid of who would take care of her and how many OTHER parts of her life would change or be lost with the vague, frightening concept known as "divorce". That seems to be their biggest fear. I have a book called "What about the kids?" Skip past the part about how bad it is for kids since sometimes, WE DON'T HAVE A CHOICE...and move to the part about "OKAY IT'S HAPPENING ANYHOW, SO NOW WHAT?" And that's what can help. Your sitch was impossible to continue and I mean it with all my heart when I say your kids are some of the few who would NOT benefit by your M continuing as your wife now is, and has been for about 2+ years. It must end. It is NOT good for your kids for you to be m to this woman. SO, in your case, D is the painful, but crucial step in the direction of finding THEIR happiness, and yours.

FIB, pardon me for asking you something, but you're the most likely to know what I'm asking. It's a partial hijack and I apologize. H is coming for 2 weeks, before returning to be near his mom. I don't know how much she needs him just now as she is stable, and he has another brother there. This is the 2nd time in 20 years he really lived near his mom, though when we lived there 10 years ago very little effort was made to visit her often and she never once came to our home. She only visited us long distance once, until we flew her out here to Stanford for a 2nd opinion on the small cell lung ca, (with mets to the brain--surgery helped--and some PET Scan results showing pancreatic/splenic involvment, though minimal at the time.)


Thanks for the kind words about sticking by h right now, with his mom's illness. I once told a woman not to leave her h while he was deployed to Afghanistan as I said, " you're a real loser to leave a guy in combat. What bad thing can't wait til he gets back? He can't beat you from there..." and I said similar things to men with pregnant wives, you know ,"Stick it out and suck it up until the baby is a year old, and don't judge your M by sleep deprived hormonal swings and stressors like a newborn gives you. Now I've added the category of those losing parents. Don't kick a dog when he's down, etc. But I don't know if I'm the one thinking of leaving so much as he is. He says he loves me, misses us, etc. But there is no real movement on the job search HERE. Just back east near his mom where he used to work as a resident long ago.

He has always hated job hunts though his hunts are easier than anyone's I know. I mean, he'll call a job that is listed online, (or I will) and get a return call 90% of the time and obvious interest. For every interview he has gone on, he has gotten an offer. So He has this expectation of a job landing in his lap and now that HE has added criteria to what he wants, he makes it harder to get one here. I don't know how to read into all this. But you are right about his being down, and I don't want to bail on him now. But something in me feels HE is bailing, by default...living over there and not having a real plan for getting back here anytime soon. Floating along....Maybe he wants me to move back there but won't come out and say it? or maybe he doesn't want that...maybe he likes this semi-married/semi-single life style. I don't even know how to ask. I did offer him this chance to leave us again, to be with her as she was given 6-8 months (in Feb of '08) and that passed 3-4 months ago. He is missing yet another year of our daughter's lives..and my life is on hold waiting for him...(Yes, I read that as I wrote it and will somehow stop letting his absence stop me from moving forward but hey, it IS harder for a single mom to take the credential classes and tests and interview when no one is home to help...oops, I'm back sliding Frank).

YES He is depressed re: his lost dream job that he gambled so much on, and MUST feel embarrassed by, since it ended for all the reasons I predicted (but didn't say "I told you so!") like they broke their promises, they didn't pay him more money but LESS, LESS than he was earning before he did the fellowship that cost us our savings, since his income dropped 88% (but hey who's counting?).

SO career wise, he has taken a big hit from which we have not recovered and which must wound him and maybe shame him. My job in Alaska as their in house counsel paid well but was semi-terrifying in that their business tactics made me worry about losing MY law license, if you catch my drift... and I lost that job with the move... so I'm getting my teaching credential b/c I LIKE teaching and it has benefits and great hours for the kids and h is still not here. But as to his depression, of course his mom's illness plays a big part in that But FIB, I'm worried that his temp work is tempting him to stay out there longer than is necessary. I offered him the chance to spend the summer with his mom and to get a job that would allow him to visit her when she was crashing. But she is stable now, surprisingly to all of us, (and I do know that's a blessing, but that she is not 'cured") and now it has been 7 months of being apart mostly, AGAIN, and while he'll be home for the holidays, he's going back to DC for another 90 days. WTH? I am worried that he's doing something really stupid (nope, I'm not snooping, but can't even deal with that concept now) or going back into the tunnel and I can't take that again. I feel taken advantage of, again. Some friends said I was great for "letting him leave again to take care of his mom" and I had thought, "geez, who wouldnt' support their spouse being with their mom as long as they could afford it?" But now I worry (we can't really afford it much longer either,) and my mind races about all the things doctor's wives worry about, fears I'd long ago conquered. After all, I was an Army lawyer and then a civilian one, with 85% men around me and never cheated and most law firms have numbers just a little lower. Wow, I can't let my mind do this to me. Some days I wonder if I'm naiive. How many doctors can't stay faithful?

How hard is it for him to find a job here? Not a perfect job, but a bread and butter anesthesia job. Forget the damn fellowship for now, just earn something near home...Am I off base? His first civilian job is one I found on the internet in 2 hours. (He wanted the Alaskan job even then but I didn't know that "plan" back then). I found a well paying normal sounding job in sunny California for him to check, per his request. But He didn't believe their ad, but they called for us to go and interview and poof, we moved out there and the pay WAS great and the cost of lving was low (Central California) and we found a good school district in a spot and lo and behold, no problem...he CHOSE to take extra call, and work himself insanely. He didn't need to do that. But he did. I had limited career options but hey, his income made up for that mostly. What's your market like in New York and don't you feel as a doctor more or less recession proof? What effects are these economic problems having on the field? I'm running out of ways to be supportive but can't take eternal celibacy and solo parenting as a way of life, AND say I'm married. Make sense?

thanks for listening. and again. tell me the number count for when your wife will no longer be under the same roof. Good God.

((( )))
j-
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/18/08 07:45 PM
25...I am going to get at this in pieces. HUGS. You're back.

I agree with much of what you say above with regards to Judeo-Christian similarities. I am doing the best I can to not let my own insecurities interfere. I am not a bigot. I grew up with all my Christian friends....my favorite movie is Miracle on 34th St (I believe in Santa myself)...colored Easter eggs and sat on Santa's lap as a kid...went to midnight masses...and embraced my W's return to her religion and even purchased her a Christmas tree. It is her 'pushing the boundary' on her promise that I am trying not to let get to me: she promised to raise the kids this way. The kids were born under one religion, not two....My D5 told me the other day that my MIL told her she was 1/2 each which is NOT true.

BUT....this was something that helped to divide us...my request that she convert prior to marriage:
-"it was a precondition to marrying you"
-"you should never try and change anybody"

Obviously, this is only a small thing in the big picture. Christmas trees and Menorahs don't push you into the backseat of cars in bar parking lots.

I guess, like posts on frank_d's threads....I should still be grateful that I have 2 healthy children for now.

More to come on your post. Hugs. FIB
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/18/08 07:52 PM
I'm not big on the whole Wayne Dyer thing...

Quote:

I should still be grateful that I have 2 healthy children for now


Well negative nellie...let me hightlight the negative parts.

Quote:

I should still be grateful that I have 2 healthy children for now


There is a reality that will come to pass, but you don't know what that is yet. Why project toward it.
Posted By: Maya44 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/18/08 07:55 PM
Good to 'see' you Jack! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays!
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/19/08 04:19 AM
As many know from my sitch, my W is not kind to our dog who is a rescued greyhound now 12 years old.

Tonite, there was a commotion downstairs. My W was on the couch watching TV. For the second time in about a year, the dog walked right up to her and, as she watched TV and ignored him (as she usually does), he lifted his leg and pee'd on the corner of the coffee table (never happened to me).

I think the message was clear.

FIB
Posted By: AmyC Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/19/08 05:08 AM
Isn't it great to see J3B posting here and there?

I love your dog, FIB!
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/19/08 08:27 AM
Wow, dogs are uncanny, to the point, and surreal. I recently was asked to review an acquaintance's outdoor play. It was supposed to be Shakespeare, but this "director" thought she should "make it more accessible" so she changed it into 1920's Chicago gansters, (WTH?) as if somehow that would do the trick and as if SHE is qualfiied to "tweak" Shakespeare. It was horrible as a plot line with her nonsensical twists, as was the directings and staging and so much...Still, I wanted to support ALL live theater so I attended, and as luck would have it, someone brought a dog. During one particular scene, the dog went up near the stage and in front of a big crowd, literally defecated. I now feel my own review would be redundant...
j=
Posted By: dl443322 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/19/08 02:31 PM
Animals, ya gotta love em! They can "feel" things we humans cant.
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/19/08 03:49 PM
Big cheers to both dogs! Don't you wish we had that freedom of expression?!
Posted By: WCW Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/19/08 04:14 PM
Good doggy. I hope your W didn't take her wrath out on the dog.

The UPS man doesn't like one of my dogs because my dog barks when he drives in. He won't even drive in if he sees the dogs outside, even when I am standing in the middle of the yard. Then I get a call from UPS customer service that he couldn't deliver because of loose dogs. I told the CS that I have hundreds of people in and out of my place and if my dog didn't like her delivery man there's a reason and my dog is a good judge of character.

Keep your chin up FIB.

I drove by a ChuckeeCheese the other day and thought of you. ;\)
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/22/08 04:30 AM
FIB,

Thinking of you and wishing you a peaceful holiday.
((( j-)))
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/22/08 08:08 PM
Thanks to all. My greyhound is a quiet couch potato. He loves kids. Although he doesn't roll over, lick you to death or fetch sticks, he is extremely BRIGHT. Honestly, he did that on purpose. I believe he was whimpering to go out and my STBXW ignored him or didn't hear him while she was watching her soaps or VH1 or some reality show.

First night of Chanukah went well. No friction of late, although, damn...she can't utter a damn thing without acid. Dinner got started late last night and we walked across the street to go home 'round 10. Last night:

Me: S8, you're going to have to wake up early to take a shower and D5 will need a bath since it's so late.

W: (appears around corner, in nasty tone) D5 can take a shower now..she's older....it's faster in the morning.

(wuh?)

Literally, nary a sentence comes out to me that is kind, sober, pleasant or inquisitive...except for when will I be coming home if she needs to be somewhere.

Multiple photos are showing up in the house of my W posing with the kids..hangin' on the fridge; on her dresser; etc, candid shots, professional shots. It's OK...I'll take mine for my new life AFTER I am gone. There is no need for this for me now. I KNOW I'm their dad.

These are OBSERVATIONS only...not 'whoa is me'. Me? For the first time in awhile, I was singing in the shower today. She...is back to gnawing on her nails.

Hope everyone is well.
FIB
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/22/08 08:10 PM
To WCW....judges of character. What's that saying? Never trust a man/woman who doesn't love a dog?

To 25...more to post. Glad to see you again.

To BM...stay strong. You're doing OK and WILL be OK.

To Jack.....got it...I got it.

FIB

PS...my 'kids' bought me a new shirt and tie and a shirt from Abercrombie and Fitch. Why so much money?
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/22/08 09:21 PM
Man, those little nagging questions just suck and can toally consume you.

Sometimes its best not to dwell on them unless the circumstances that evoke the questions become the norm rather than the exception.

I like my answer to the question though...cause you're F-ing worth it.

Happy Chaunaka. I think I spelled it right. : )
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/24/08 12:40 AM
FIB,

what Jack said! And have a good holiday. Your life is about to get better...okay, maybe a big bump or two remains, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Hey when are you giving us the actual best guess date for us to schedule our bi-coastal celebration of the end to the insanity for you? As in when you won't be under the same roof? I need to know how long to make my paper chain links...
j-

DIdn't say I gave up on your w. Just saying she NEEDS this d to get... whatever this is, out of her system. Meantime, you are living and moving on...FIB, I see such good things and people for you and yours in the future. Just wish you could fast forward, but it isn't so easy is it? Well, you of all people know that but just wanted to say, You are NOT alone!
((( j )))
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/24/08 12:40 AM
FIB,

what Jack said! And have a good holiday. Your life is about to get better...okay, maybe a big bump or two remains, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Hey when are you giving us the actual best guess date for us to schedule our bi-coastal celebration of the end to the insanity for you? As in when you won't be under the same roof? I need to know how long to make my paper chain links...
j-

DIdn't say I gave up on your w. Just saying she NEEDS this d to get... whatever this is, out of her system. Meantime, you are living and moving on...FIB, I see such good things and people for you and yours in the future. Just wish you could fast forward, but it isn't so easy is it? Well, you of all people know that but just wanted to say, You are NOT alone!
((( j )))
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/24/08 05:52 PM
FIB,

you alright? Sending good thoughts your way.
((j ))
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/25/08 12:51 AM
I am alone tonite and will be again tomorrow. Alone BUT OK. A lot better this year.

Merry Christmas to all my friends without whom I would have been lost.

FIB
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/25/08 01:08 AM
FIB,

((((( ))))) you are not alone tonight. We are with you. Next year will be better. I promise, I know this. You are a rare man of great worth and dignity and you will find yourself surrounded with family and friends who know this, and right now tonight, although we are not with you physically or geographically, we ARE supporting you in spirit and thought. Next year, you'll be holding a female's hand at this time, (even if it's your d's)...hey, things are going to get better for you...seriously.

((( j- )))

PS, semi-serious question about the Jewish holiday now. Okay, I get the 8 nights and 8 candles and hopefully 8 presents!...but it's a bit depressing to me (so is Good Friday for that matter, but then we have Easter --and all is well again!) So my question is about a happier holiday for my Jewish friends. Is there a holiday where you celebrate more than merely surviving and not getting slaughtered? Just wondering...
Posted By: 4kids Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/25/08 01:22 AM
Merry Christmas FIB!

I missed your new thread because I never saw your old one lock. I thought you had just gone major dark on your thread.

Caught up now and still lurking.

Keep on the high road. Sometimes the road is lonely, but there are a lot fewer potholes along the way. Time marches on whether we like it or not, and you will be with your kids again sooner than you think.

Have a blessed Christmas.

N.
Posted By: sofaraway Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/25/08 02:29 AM
25, Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New year and a more upbeat celebration. There is also shavuot which is the celebration of Moses receiving the ten commandments on Mt. Sinai....

Other than that we celebrate coming through times of trial and tribulation in our holidays....


FIB, Happy Chanukah buddy. I have my kids this year, but it is still the same feelings. We have always celebrated both Holidays as my wife was Baptist. Not having your family intact is difficult either way my friend. As crazy as it sounds I cried tonight as my kids opened their gifts, I am sad that their mother does not get to share in this the way we always have.... They don't deserve this......

I hope you can take advantage of your time and try and do something for yourself my friend.


Ian
Posted By: fisherman Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/25/08 02:41 AM
FIB,

I hope you have a wonderful Holiday !! Treat yourself to something great!!
Posted By: Bworl Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/25/08 04:34 AM
FIB,

A blessed holiday season to you and your family my friend.

It is a time for anticipating the great things that life has in store for each of us in the coming year. I know that for you my friend, this will be the year that brings an end to the feelings of being stuck in place.

God's richest blessings to a man I am proud to call a friend.


Blessings,

Bill
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/25/08 06:09 AM
what Bworl said...
(( j- ))
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/25/08 06:59 AM
just saw "It's a wonderful Life" and know you like it. Remember the last thing the angel says is that "No man is a failure who has friends..."

Makes you a big success around here, and in life.

just one of your friends,
(( j- ))
Posted By: SingleDad Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/25/08 09:16 PM
Faith - I am without my D3 as well... spend yesterday and today at mom's and with everyone here.

Have a merry Christ day !!!!

Jim
Posted By: dl443322 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/27/08 04:37 AM
Hey FIB, thinking about you. Let's make 2009 the year that all of us find ourselves in a better place. The way I look at it, it cant be worse than this last year, ya know?
Posted By: princess_nic Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/28/08 07:39 AM
Dear Frank,

I owe you an apology. I've been thinking about my last couple of posts to you, and I realize that although I was trying to help, I forgot about where you are on this journey. I was writing from my own perspective, as someone who has been physically separated for just over 3 years, and officially divorced for a couple of weeks. {Merry Christmas! :p }

The emotional distancing on XH's part began well before that, but my own emotional distance was much more recent. I didn't take this into account, and consequently, my compassion was quite lacking.

I really do hope that 2009 will be better for you. I'd say "It can only get better," but from my own experience, you never know. So I'll just say that I continue to think of you, pray for you, and admire you. Not because your perfect, but because you do your best - and your best is pretty darn good!

Love to you and your kids,
Nicola
Posted By: frank_D Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/28/08 07:42 AM
Nic,

I still remember how much of a support you were to me when I needed you. As FIB's friend I admire your response.

thanks

Frank_D
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/29/08 04:36 PM
To all my friends..thanks for your support.

To 25....as sofaraway posts, we tend to be a little bit on the 'defensive' as a group since much of our history is based on oppression. In spite of this, Hanukkah is a celebration of miracles and lights. Funny thing is..it really is a very MINOR holiday which, sadly, like Christmas, has become overly commercialized.

To nicola....'fuhgeddaboudit'....as one says in Brooklyn. I never took it anything other than a friend trying to keep my eyes open and keep me on my toes. Hugs...and...I admire frank_d for supporting you.

To sofaraway.....we do those things. Trust me..if I had a nickel for all the tears I shed, alone...in the dark....while running...or watching a movie that used to mean so much to me and my wife....well, my pants would be around my ankles from the weight of the coins. It only means that you love your family...that you upheld your vows....that you have compassion....

trapt, SD....you're gonna be OK, quoted from Frank_d...trust me....you will.

To nate...I still get strength from knowing that you are here. Thanks for staying with me. It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.

To Bill...you are so fortunate. I watch....and hope.

Finally, for those curious. It was a quiet holiday. My W got the lion's share of time with them, but, this was not the time to fight this. Oddly, D5 and S8 got me a shirt from Abercrombie and Fitch and a shirt/tie from Macy*s on Hanukkah...and... my stocking had a framed photo of the kids on Christmas and a $20 gift certificate to Borders.

No..not babysteps. I think just my W's inability to understand the value of money and our finances. Her Christmas gift, both picked out by the kids, was a bracelet with bluestones and a matching hat and scarf.

This was our last holiday together under the same roof.

She will get the kids on NYE since I had them last year. I didn't fight this. We barely talk except for necessities.

I AM retaking the MBR tho'. I am tired of sleeping on the couch. My back is killing me. I have started going up to the MBR. I keep on my side of the bed. This is STRICTLY on the UP AND UP with no DB principles involved. She can sleep downstairs for a bit if she wants.

FIB
Posted By: smith18 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/30/08 12:45 AM
Hi FIB -

Good for you to crawl back into a comfortable bed.

I so hope you can get your divorce resolved in a short time. Life will definitely be treating you well this next year.
Posted By: WCW Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/30/08 12:59 AM
You're back to sleeping with your W?
I bet she thinks it is ..... baby steps!!!
tada!!!!! rofl!!!! don't shoot me! ;\)
Posted By: frank_D Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/30/08 02:31 AM
Originally Posted By: WCW
You're back to sleeping with your W?
I bet she thinks it is ..... baby steps!!!
tada!!!!! rofl!!!! don't shoot me! ;\)


Bang! Bang! Silly Wabbit!
Posted By: frank_D Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/30/08 02:34 AM
Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving
No..not babysteps. I think just my W's inability to understand the value of money and our finances. Her Christmas gift, both picked out by the kids, was a bracelet with bluestones and a matching hat and scarf.


Yep, I think it does all come down to their (and I don't mean women or men, but WAS's'] inability to 'understand' money. Or responsibility.

They aren't 'stupid', just Ill informed.

Still, we cannot be their teachers. Only their buffers in reality.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/30/08 01:47 PM
Agreed WCW and frank. Thanks Kerry....working towards being in a better place next holiday season.

Observations and simply writing:

Last night, as I was pulling the blankies up on the nice and comfortable mattress in the MBR:

W: FIB, I think it's time we come up with a schedule for sleeping on the bed.

Me: No problem...whatever you want.

W: Why don't we rotate by the week.

W obviously saw that I was 'retaking' the MBR. I mean really...why did I move downstairs in the first place? It was to give her space and privacy in the hopes that she would come back. There is no need for me now to get a bad back by sleeping on the couch everynight.

Yesterday, I came home midday to grab some lunch. I went into the bathroom to find two pair of panties rolled around a pair of socks on the countertop. One pair was red with snowflakes, hearts, lace, reindeer...the other standard issue VS.

OK...do I need to see this? Was it left there intentionally? Subconsciously? WTF.

THIS....THIS..is what now sucks about being under the same roof. I really don't need to see this if you know what I mean.

This is the part of D here in NY that really sucks. I am now closing in on 3 years post bomb and this is the part that really keeps one from making the 'final' detachment. Living with indifference alternating with disdain. Lots of fun.

In many ways, I 'admire' my W for, at least in my eyes, being able to completely move on and not give a rat's a$$ about me anymore. G-d bless her. Despite this, I still find it hard to 'hate her'.

Many of her behaviors have either returned or are still here:
-gnawing on her fingers
-tight jeans all the time
-wears black stretchies to sleep so we can all see her behind and camel toe in the morning
-I believe she is back with the personal trainer
-tons of new clothes showing up
-whitening her teeth
-watching those TV shows, VH1, etc
-People Mag, cellulite mag, etc.

FIB
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/30/08 02:58 PM
Sharing is Caring

From time to time, I have shared some of my professional experiences with you...when I think that hearing real life stories may help put life in perspective.

One 'positive' thing about my job is that everyday....when you leave the hospital....the air seems fresher, the night seems more beautiful...when you realize that you have your health and your life. Sadly, coming home to just 'hang' with my family may have been just a bit too 'boring' for my W.

On Christmas Eve, at 9PM, I was called to the ER to see a 56 year old woman in good health who, for the first time, presented complaining of 2 weeks of abdominal pain. They performed a CT scan of her abdomen and discovered that she had a perforated sigmoid colon, from tumor, with extensive metastatic disease to her liver (extensive spread). Suddenly, a complete stranger (me) was going to have to tell this woman the findings.

This...is NEVER easy.

Her family, of course, is destroyed. However, SHE seemed to take it stride..but...I don't think she has the full grasp of it.

I operated on her yesterday. It was horrible. She had a large tumor in her sigmoid colon with her left fallopian tube and 2 loops of small intestine stuck to it. She had extensive liver metastases....some up to 5 cms in diameter and she also had seeding or implants in her abdominal cavity.

If she has more than 6 months, it would be a blessing.

I left the hospital at about 830P after spending 3 hours in the OR trying to remove this obstructing cancer. While I was in the recovery room, I called home and my son picked up the phone:

Me: Hey buddy...how are you?
S8: Great dad...I miss you. When you are coming home?
Me: I'm leaving in a few minutes.
S8: Hurry up..I want to play (xbox game) with you. And dad....can you bring home some milk? We need milk.
Me: Milk? Sure.

(D5 grabs the phone)

D5: And dad..don't forget to bring home some red cabbage.

(my D5 wants to be a scientist, so, she picked out a science experiment kit that requires red cabbage)

Me: No problem honey. Milk and red cabbage.

Behind me, I hear the nurses chatting....smiling...giggling..saying what a great husband and dad I was...and contrasting being a surgeon and bringing home milk...as they got all the lines and tubes connected on my patient.

Little did they know.

Contradiction.

It's still difficult to conceptualize....the contradiction about what I hear and what my STBXW sees and feels. Having been given the gift to alleviate pain...to operate and intervene....is a great blessing.

Contradiction. There is nothing of value here to my STBXW.

I look at the nurses and I smile...crack a joke.

I go out to the lobby to the meet the 10 or so family members who stare at my face....looking for some message.

It's a VERY LONG WALK...those 10-20 paces....from the OR door/lobby entrance to the family. Very long. As if I WERE THE TUMOR, they dissect my every body movement and search my eyes for some message before I even get there.

I ask for only 3 to come with me into the chapel/consulting room and I give her husband and son the news.

I drive home, torn..inside...between the contradictions....in my life. Unlike my W, I know why I was put here. I have direction. My life has purpose. Although the depression has left and my focus is better...now....you feel the loneliness.

My patients pain should now resolve. At least for now and she should be able to eat again. My pain, however, still lingers though much better. I have been rejected and I must live with it.

But...I have my health. I do not have end stage colon cancer today. So...I am grateful for my health...I am grateful for being able to help my fellow man.....and I am grateful...for all of you here...for the support.

I drove home and picked up the milk. I picked up the cabbage. D5 and I made some bubbling color changing liquid and S8 and I battled it out on Xbox. I read a bedtime story to my son...a story about what snowmen do after the sun goes down...and I kiss him...and D5...goodnite.

Happy New Year to all my friends here. Live life. When you are with your kids, "be in the moment" with them.

FIB
Posted By: Gman3388 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/30/08 03:21 PM
God bless you FIB!
Posted By: Jeff223 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/30/08 03:33 PM
Quote:
W: FIB, I think it's time we come up with a schedule for sleeping on the bed.

Me: No problem...whatever you want.

W: Why don't we rotate by the week.

This may sound like angry Jeff again, but if she is so upset about it, she should go sleep on the couch, or save her pennies and buy a mattress for the spare room.

As you reminded me, this is her idea, not yours. Yes you filed but that was not your choice. She could have fixed things if she only tried.

I did the same thing when I moved out to "give her space, etc". And then I did not have the balls to move back in when I should have.

So set a boundary: Thou shalt never banish me to the couch.

If she objects toss her a pillow and say "I'm done fighting; your couch is calling".

Last thing we need is a doctor with a bad back.
Posted By: Jeff223 Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/30/08 03:45 PM
Frank,
Sorry I missed your call yesterday. You left a message about this woman but it was hard to make out b/c your voice was emotional.

That must have sucked trying your best even to give her an extra six months. Yes life is too short. And for you, talk about not being in control. Even with all of your training and experience and effort, you still don't get the final vote.

Yes my friend, this was a lesson in life perspective. Thanks for posting it. And thanks for helping me.

Despite the trials ahead, year 2009 will be a great one! That will be our assessment this time next year.

Strength and Honor.
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/30/08 04:02 PM
FIB--as a nurse, and as a discarded spouse, I have a real sense of what you're feeling. And wow--your wife is such a fool for throwing her family, and YOU, under the train of her narcissism. You are truly a good person, and you truly "get it." So rare.
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/30/08 05:55 PM
..and Jeff...and hoosiermama...THAT..is where I pray....where we fall into the 40% that DO make it after D.

That we 'get it'...

that we learned.....

that we have filled our minds with a thousand yellow Post-It notes...permanent reminders to avoid those insidious changes that, perhaps, maybe, helped propel us into this quagmire.

But then again....

HNY

FIB

PS...yes Jeff.....here's a to a new beginning. Out with the old, in with the new. (cork popping)
Posted By: faithisbelieving Re: I don't recognize her anymore - 12/30/08 05:59 PM
Preparing a new thread if this one locks:

Stage 5, Acceptance

FIB
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