Other thread locked.
So the divorce agreement states that JA has the boys from 4-7:30pm. Guess who barges into the house at 3:30pm? He rang the bell and came in saying "HELLO! It's me!."
I said to him "it's only 3:30, you are not supposed to be here until 4pm."
He shrugs his shoulders and then sees S4 upstairs. S7 was still at school. He runs upstairs to greet S4. I went upstairs and said "I would appreciate it if you stuck to the divorce agreement and did not come until 4pm. Also, I am paying the bills here now so you no longer have the right to come in and walk around like you still live here."
JA: S4 invited me in and upstairs.
Me: He is 4 years old. It's not up to him.
JA: What's wrong with me showing up an half hour early? Your trying to keep the boys away from me.
Me: Stop twisting it around. I need you to stick to the agreement or else you start pushing your limitatons and a half hour becomes an hour.
JA: So, the boys want to see me.
I gave up arguing this as I figured I will have my L deal with it.
He then went outside with S4. About 15 minutes later I had to pick S7 up at the bus stop. I asked S4 if he wanted to go with me.
JA: I was planning on picking him up.
Me: No, I was. We are still on MY time.
JA: Well I want to go too.
Me: Fine, if you must but you better not take S7 away from me without giving me a chance to talk to him to find out how his first day of school was.
JA: Why would I do that? You don't know me at all.
Me: I am basing it on the way you have acted and treated me over the last 2 years.
I then got in the car. JA stayed in the background and I got to greet S7 coming off the bus.
When JA returned I asked him if he brought the tuition money that my father had layed out for S4's school. JA is supposed to reimburse him.
He said "Oh, your father can wait. He's rich, he doesn't need the money."
ME: My father is FAR from rich, but that is not even the point. It's your responsibility, not my father's to pay for S4's daycare.
JA: So why don't you pay it back to him for me since I just gave you a ton of money.
Me: That was money owed to me. It's not my place to pay it. You were ordered by the judge to reimburse us.
JA: Well he is going to have to wait.
He got in the car and left.
He is such an ass.
You're right, let your L deal with this.
If your H doesn't want to stay within the boundaries set by the judge, then the legal system can deal with him. I doubt very much that you trying to deal with him yourself is going to do any good, as it sounds like he feels he is 'above' the rules set forth.
Too bad it sounds like he's using the kids to push your buttons.
Stay calm, but never forget that you are playing by the rules, and he is not respecting the boundaries and will have to pay the consequences if it continues.
Document each and everything that he does outside the realm of what the court set forth. Date, time, witnesses, etc. Inform your L that you will be doing this and see what he/she suggests.
Keep stating your boundaries. ML'ers sometimes have to hear things several times. Your lawyer could also write a letter to him, but I would try to keep it as civil as possible.
what a twit.....jeesh hes divorced and hes still not happy.....wait til that reality comes to really roost. watch it mrs h he will prob get worse before he gets better.
He is totally obnoxious! Ignore it, document it and tell your L. This guy is going to be in contempt of the agreement before the ink is dry!!
Thanks Creed, Trusting, Patti, and Mom.
I got a hold of my L today.
I told him all the crap X is pulling.
He said "He no longer has any right to just come in the house."
I asked him if I could change the locks and he said "yes."
So I did.
My L just needs to get the garage door opener back from him.
It seems JA does not like to follow the rules.
GOOD FOR YOU!!! That's totally awesome! What a surprise to him!
Yeah, he has NO right to come into YOUR house. Good job taking care of that!
Glad you got to enjoy your son's first day of school!
Mrs. H,
I'm sorry he's being the @ss that he is. He sounds just like the one I had living here until he divorced me. I see he is still the keeper of the garage door opener as well....You can change the coding on them if you can't get the opener from him.
How did your little one's first day of school go? Did he enjoy it? It's very evident he's using the boys to push your buttons. Stay within your boundaries and inform you lawyer of what he's doing. Document each and every incident. If he thinks that this will continue down the road, he's in for a very rude awakening and soon.
I'm glad you changed the locks, but he's going to be extremely mad when he discovers that his keys don't work. Whatever you do, do not leave your keys out anywhere, for he will find a way to make a copy or take the extra set if you have them.
As for him reimbursing your father...what a putz! He should have been grateful for what you father has done...he really does sound like my x's twin brother.
I do hope school is going well for you. Please take care of yourself.
Good for you MrsH for changing the locks. I would just change the code as Snodderly said on the opener. As awful as he has been to you, I would make him wait in the car until time for visitation.
Y
This is going to be interesting when he finds out the locks have been changed. I expect him to explode at the thought that you did this. Oh, what nerve you have--NOT!!
If he's anything like my xh was, he'll say his lawyer said I had to give him a key and that he's entitled to come and go as he pleased in his home. Funny, my lawyer said differently and I told him that. I even went as far as to advise him that he needed to advise his lawyer to check out the MD laws on such things. Did I hear anything more about it? Nope.
When he starts to spout spittle to you, just be firm and calm. You don't have to justify why the locks where changed. Keep the conversation short and sweet. Gosh, I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he does find out.
Mrs. H, please take care of yourself and try to enjoy your weekend. Do not let bully get to you. You've come too far for him to rip you apart now. I'm glad your lawyer is right there by your side.
Mrs. H
How are you doing? Is everything calm at your house.
You were strong enough to take a major step in protecting your rights and privacy.
I guess I'd like to know that you're okay, and haven't had to deal with an angry man who may just have found out he doesn't have the 'entitlements' he thought he did.
I hope you post to let us know that you are doing alright.
Mrs.H,
I also changed the locks when ex left. I found him coming and going at all different crazy times. One morning I awoke to find him in the kitchen looking through the utensil drawer. He seemed to have no clue what he was doing. I also changed the garage code. He was so pissed. All that anger is gone now. He is very mellow and nice to me most of the time.
Hey peeps, thanks for checking in on me.
I am ok.
My L took care of things right away. He right away sent a letter over to JA's L and I guess JA's L got a hold of JA pretty fast. The reason why I say this is because JA called me up the next day and said he was going to mail me the money he owed me (really my father) for daycare.
He also would not take my word that I actually paid it to the daycare so he called them up to confirm. The head lady who runs the program told me this. She told him "Of course she paid it."
The preschool/daycare can't stand dealing with JA because he is really difficult. They can't exactly put him in timeout like they do to a child that misbehaves.
My L also requested that JA give me back the garage door opener.
Oh yeah, I had also sent a written request to my L that I would maybe like to have my support checks directly deposited into my account from H's pay checks. Yesterday I got a VM from JA saying that he was thinking of having my maintence/child support come right out of his paycheck and directly deposited into my account and to call him back if I thought it was a good idea.
WTF? Why would he directly throw himself into the fire? I think it's more along the lines of him saying that he would do it instead of someone telling him he HAD to do it.
Ok, enough about him.
Today I went to a baby shower of a friend that I went to high school with. I have not seen her in about 6 years. I got to hang out with a few other girls I went to high school with so it was nice. We had a good time.
School is keeping me VERY busy. I am enjoying it for the most part but I do not like my hybrid course (half online, half in class) I am taking. Never again will I take an online course. They pile on the work!
I have to get the house on the market but quite frankly I don't know when I am going to get a chance to do it. Like I said, I have been so busy. I don't have the time to get it ready. It's making me a little stressed as the judge wanted me to immediately put it on the market.
JA isn't making a move to get it on fast either.
Well, off to bed. Hope you all have a wonderful Sunday. I am sorry I haven't posted much to you all as of late. Hopefully I will find some time soon.
Again, thanks for watching out for me!
Maybe they ought to give him a bumper sticker for his car that says: I need timeout for bad behavior
Just Kidding!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am glad your lawyers are on top of things.
MrsH,
I took an online course last year and I won't do it again either. I thought it was so much work and then the participation in dicussions so many times a week. I found it very stressful to keep it all organized on top of my job and the class I was taking at the college.
Your L is on top of things! I think that is great. Having support taking directly out of check is the best thing for you...that eliminates one interaction you need to have with him. Let him think it was HIS idea...who cares??
Hopefully you can get your house on the market soon! JA should be helping so don't bust your behind trying to get it done alone!
On a fun note: Went to see Jimmy Buffet last night in downpour, wind driven rain for the entire show!! We were soaked! Great show though!!
Mrs. H,
JA didn't think up having the money directly deposited into your account. If he had, he would have done it months ago. I suspect his lawyer advised him to do this after receiving your lawyer's letter. You've got an excellent lawyer and I do believe that JA is going to have to learn that he needs to do what the court has mandated.
I'm glad you were able to attend the shower. It's nice to have a break from all of the madness. Online courses do have a lot of work with them, but at least you can pace yourself and get them done in your own home.
I do hope that today finds you well. Please take care of yourself.
Hey folks,
I called JA today because I wanted to find out what day next week would be good to meet with a realtor to get the house on the market.
I told him I would like to bring in 3 all together. I plan on calling up 2 and I told him if he would like we could meet with his.
He told me that he was seeing his realtor tonight because he was once again looking for a place to move, so he can ask her tonight which day worked good next week.
I asked him "How can you afford a place when we didn't sell the house yet?"
JA: I am not buying, I am renting.
(He is already currently renting)
Me: Oh, so they're kicking you out, eh? (I said this in a joking manner)
JA: It's not really important why I have to get out.
Me: I was only joking and besides you brought it up.
JA: Let's just say too many late night parties at 3am.
Me: Ok (whatever)
He sounded really grumpy and down on the phone.
My thinking is, he is looking for a place that has more room so the ow can move in with him. I think he is feeling it in the pocket and NEEDS her to share a place with him so he can afford it.
He's just too chicken sh!t to tell me.
Honestly, I don't really care anymore that they are together. It just bothers me because I don't think living with your girlfriend is going to teach our children any morals.
Anway, he is going to try and get his realtor here next Wednesday. I asked him what other days worked out so I could get 2 more realtors to come.
He said "why don't we just start off with next Wednesday and then we will work from there."
Me: Ok, but we can't wait too much longer as I need to get the house on the market. Are you still planning on coming up and taking care of the outside?
JA: What needs to be done, really?
Me: The gardens need to be tended to. They are full of weeds and I don't have the time to take care of it.
JA: Alright, I will see. My realtor seems to think we will get about $450,000 for the house.
Me: You realtor is mistaken. Maybe last year, but the house have decreased a lot in value in our neighborhood. The house across the street is only asking $380,000 and it is a bigger house than ours.
JA: Well I am not taking a low ball offer for that house just for the sake of selling it.
Me: I didn't say I was either, but the bottom line is that the market is not what it used to be.
JA: Well I think we should ask a lot for our house because I have a feeling in 6 months or so the market is going to go back up.
Where is that rolling the eyes icon? Because that is exactly what I was doing as he was talking.
He really is in for a big surprise.
Dumb ass.
I went out shopping with S4 to get him and S7 some new sneakers. JA called while we were out to ask me a dumb question.
I made the phone conversation quick, like I had no time for him. Actually that is the truth. I don't have time for anymore of his BS.
I am done with him.
I don't even think I love the guy anymore. And that is the God's honest truth.
Hope everyone has a nice evening.
It's good to hear from you K! You're doing very well!
Thanks FG,
What's with the new name? Someone been eve's dropping?
I have to say, minus the stress of my online course, I feel pretty good.
I think the stress of the divorce being done and over with has really helped.
I know where I stand. I did not die. I feel a big since of relief.
I also don't feel responsible anymore for the way he feels.
No, no one's spying. Just being cautious. I don't think anyone knows about it here but I didn't see the rules about not using your real name when I first signed up here.
I'm glad you've been feeling better. You can hear it in your posts too.
Yesterday I came home to a blackout in my house.
I thought it was the whole neighborhood until I saw my neighbor across the street shut her garage with the automatic opener.
At that moment it dawned on me that JA had something to do with it.
So I call up the gas/electric company only to be put on hold for 10 minutes and once again get disconneted. At this point I was at the bus stop waiting for S7 to get off the bus.
JA pulls up 10 minutes early. I said to him "Your early."
He shrugs his shoulders.
I told him I had no electric or gas in the house and asked him if he knew why.
He played innocent and said he didn't.
So I called up the gas/electric company again only to be put on hold for another 20 minutes. They told me JA had canceled the service on September 1st and they just now shut it off.
They said they could not come back until today to put it back on.
So I had to pack up the boys things, my things and some perishables and take them over to my brother's house where we had to spend the night.
After I got off the phone with the gas/electric company I was furious.
I called up JA and let him have it.
I cursed him out and I don't give a damn.
I said thanks to him that his boys and I had to find somewhere else to go for the night. I also told him that they raised the budget plan on me too.
He said that I had all week to switch it to my name but I never did.
I told him that is because each chance I got, they put me on hold for 10 minutes and I got tired of waiting. I would of paid the bill no matter whose name it was in. He did not tell me that if I did not get it put into my name the services would shut off.
I was so furious and then I hung up on him.
I was supposed to be in class last night but I had to miss it because I had to deal with this bs instead.
JA texts me "I did the best I could with switching over the services and you yelled at me. But at least you said the boys were mine, so thank you."
I did not respond back to him. He isn't worth it.
He is a child.
I called my L about it but he said there was nothing I could do about it as JA had the right to take his name off the accounts.
He never has to be accountable for anything.
He also brought the boys home 15 minutes late.
He called me later that night but I did not have service at my brother's house so I did not get my VM until this morning.
I could not make out a thing he said. I think he was trying to explain his side again. Then he said to have the boys call him.
I don't really care what he said.
He is no longer important.
Blah, I need a big fat glass of red wine!
K, he's a f'ing jerk! Really. Just know you do the best you can and he'll soon receive his carma as well!
I'm sorry. That was rude of me. He just makes me soooo mad!
Dar, he is what he is.
No need to apologize.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention....
Today would of been our 9th wedding anniversary.
Oooooh, well THAT explains it then! I wouldn't doubt if he did this because of that then. Just to give it to you one last time, you know? Grrrrr!
Who knows why he does what he does.
Ever since the divorce he has been being nice to me. However, he has been a shmuck to me for over 2 years so I don't believe his sincerity. (sp?)
I'm just done with him.
I love him, but I am not in love with him.
I love him, but I am not in love with him.
HEY! Where have I heard something similar to this before?
I love him, but I am not in love with him.
dont ya just wanna say it once to their face sooooo bad?????
You sound like you are married to my xh! He did the exact same thing with the utilities!
AHHHHH...I agree with Dar...He is a f'ing jerk!!!
Hey, did any one see Oprah today about why men cheat?? It was totally MLC DB stuff...very interesting!
Oh, I knew I missed something. Enlighten us as to the program. Darn and I was going to watch it but H was here.
Patti, I would love to say it to his face but I don't think he would care anyway. His feelings for me are dead. Besides which, I won't stoop to his level and say such dumb things.
Snodderly, our xhs really are twins, eh?
Mom, I didn't see it yet. I have it dvr'd and plan on watching it this weekend while the boys are with JA.
I know that none of this is funny..he's a turd.
But I almost had to smirk reading what he did. It's so predictable of someone that finally realizes that they don't have the control that they use to..they have to go and pull a childish act like this. Of course he knew that you would pay it anyway! And if he took his name off on that, why didn't he tell you the exact date he was going to do it, so that you could contact the utility to set up the account in your own name. You would have lost the current budget plan amount, but you wouldn't have been without power.
I dealt with the utilities when our house was sold and I had to move to an apartment. If they know that there's been a divorce, and things have to be set up differently, my experience is that they go out of their way to help you. Mine even suggested some further things I could do if I found out that my income was insufficent to pay the monthly costs. I thanked her and told her I would do okay..but I thought it was really courteous of her to ask. If your husband would have explained what the circumstances were, they would never have cut off the utility..they would have got in touch with you to see if you stil wanted to continue it once his name was off.
Besides, I thought utilities had to give a shut off warning to people before they actually do it...you didn't receive any notice of a pending shut off? Strange. Wonder if that was his doing to.
Nice little 'last stab' comment he put in there about you saying he was still the father. LOL Sigh.
Like someone else mentioned. Karma.
Sorry you're having to go through this, but things will eventually settle down and you won't have to deal with this type of thing.
Yes...we still love them, but....the 'in love' part feels like a fading memory sometimes. As someone else asked...'where have we heard that before?' LOL There were times during our 30 year marriage that I didn't really feel 'in love' with him, but I knew I 'loved' him. And eventually the 'in love' part would come back. I figured it was kind of like an ebb and flow thing in any marriage.
I still remember what it felt like to be 'in love' with my H, and I'm sure you remember too. My thoughts are that our XHs still have those memories/feelings at times too, but may never express it to us. I have no doubt at all that their love for us will always be there too...that I'm almost positive of.
Wishing you less stress filled days ahead.
what a JA!, not even a child behaves that way, hope you get that straighten out))))))
Mrs. H,
I suggest that if you have any other bills that are in his name, that you get them transferred over to your name as quickly as possible. What about the car insurance?
They do this stuff to "show" us that they are cutting the ties and the more they cut, the better they feel. They don't stop to think about the fact that their feelings for us are still running very deep. The anger is a sure sign that the feelings for us are still there. They lash out because they can't get rid of those feelings. Besides, if someone hated you that much, do you honestly think that they would be up in your face each and every day like he is? Most people may have a word or two w/you and then leave you alone.
As for his behavior, I have to agree..you can't love it. He's acting out and one day, he's going to want to be "friends" w/you again. It's not going to be right away....probably 2-3 years down the road, once the anger is gone and the euphoria of his new life has gone dull and tarnished for him. That's when you will be able to clearly and honestly determine if you want another relationship with him.
For now, do what you need to do to protect yourself. Get his name off of as much as you can. Pamper yourself. We are all here to support you in any way that we can.
Hi Creed. Nice of you to stop by, thank you.
No, I wasn't given any warning that the utilities were going to be shut off. They just assumed that JA was the homeowner and if he wanted the utilites shut off then they would shut them off. Maybe they figured he was moving.
Hey Cat, thank you!
Hi Snodderly, thanks for always stopping by with your wisdom.
All the bills are now in my name including the car insurance.
It's weird because for the most part JA has been very nice to me when he sees or speaks to me but he keeps doing these stupid little things that tick me off.
I do feel like he has been calling me for little things lately. I rarely ever call him.
Do you really believe he will want a relationship with me again one day? I just feel like he is soooooo...done and over with me. I really don't know if I ever want a relationship with him ever again, I just know as of now, I am not in love with him or like the person he is.
Yesterday he calls me up while I was in class. I had the phone on vibrate and when class was over with I listened to his VM. He wanted to remind me that the realtor was coming Wednesday at 3pm. (I already knew that). He also said that he could pick s4 up at school along the way.
I TM'd him "I will pick him up"
He TM'd back "why? It's on my way? Why can't I do it?"
I TM'd him back "Just stick to the schedule."
He didn't TM back after that.
Then he calls up at 3:40pm yesterday and says he left early because of the rain and got to my house early and wanted to know if he could come get S4 early. S7 doesn't get off the bus until about 3:50pm.
I told him "No, I am tired of you always having an excuse why you are early. My L already wrote you a letter to stick to the schedule and stop showing up early. You can go take a ride to the store or something and then come back at 4pm".
He started yelling and I hung up on him.
I got to S7's bus stop at 3:45pm and JA was there. Of course S4 saw him so I had no choice but to let him go to his car. S7 got off the bus late because of the rain and I said Hi/bye to him as he left with JA.
It was already discussed with JA at the 4-way meeting with the lawyers that he needs to let s7 go home first, drop his bookbag off, and get a drink. S7 hates when he doesn't get a chance to do that.
Anyway, as JA pulled away with them he said "It's 3:58pm, I will drop them off at 7:28pm to make you happy."
I did not TM him back as he was baiting me.
I might sound like I am being a bitch to some, but I am tired of JA taking advantage of me. I am not talking about a couple of minutes here, I am talking about 20-30 minutes early. He NEVER wants to follow the divorce decree. He hates rules.
I feel like it's never going to end.
Today I have been getting my house ready to get it on the market. I can't help feeling anger toward JA that because of his selfishness, the boys and I are going to lose our home.
I gotta get back to my school work....
Snodderly is so right about your H...and what you should be doing for yourself. You can bet you very much in his thoughts, and I would imagine that even at this time he's second guessing what he's done...but who knows how long it will be before he could admit it to anyone...let alone himself.
I know exactly how you feel in regards to losing your home. I felt and still feel that way, and it's been 2 yrs post D. The house was nothing...a fixer upper...but it was our 'home', not just a structure. Our kids were raised there, it was where they were suppose to bring their friends, girlfriends and later wives and children to. Now what? He's in an apt. I'm in an apt. Yeah....we lost alot along the way to satisfy his needs/desires.
I would imagine that most men don't look at houses the way we women do...I think we are much more emotionally and sentimentally attached to them.
My boys were grown when the house was sold. ButBOTH of them went back to it after I had moved out, but before the closing, and took a walk through it. They both wanted to be in it one more time before it was no longer 'ours.' How's that for sad proof of what divorce can do to the whole family.
I shouldn't even admit this, but I thought AJ was your xh initials!!! LMAO Took me reading someone's post that 'he was a JA' to put it together. Duh!!!!!
You're doing really, really good in holding your own and sticking to the terms, and making sure he knows he has to too. You've got a lot to be proud of MrsH...none of this is easy, and I think they count on us being too weak to stand up to their tactics.
Some day you may feel differently....all of us may. But your feelings now are perfectly normal, and I think you handle yourself very, very well.
Mrs H sorry you are having to go through this. There is a website called divorceasfriends.com that might be helpful to you. Unfortunately you are going to have to endure this man for many years with the kids, so it would be in your best interest to have a better R between the two of you.
Just don't let him get to you. It sounds like he can be very hurtful.
What you are going through is a very tough period in the MLC...
I absolutely am impressed by how you are sticking to your boundaries.
You are doing wonderful.
He will be very mean and horrible for a while
It does calm down.
They want to be MAD so they will not focus on you and what they have done.
no, I don't think you are being a witch, I think you are setting a precendent so 5yrs from now he doens't drive you nuts as he shows up not 30min early but 1hr, nip the craziness from the bud and you will be doing yourself a favor, keeping to the schedule is the only way to deal with a man like that.
Good for you hon, stick to your guns, I'm sure that if he were to behave like a human being you wouldnt' have to stick to the schedule but things are not easy not, so you gotta do what you gotta do.
Now go hit them books!
yeah, he's an ass.
I'm so happy to see you sticking to your boundaries. Stick to the schedule. That's great. Sorry about your house. It's not fair and it totally sucks.
I hope school goes real well for you. I bet you'll end up really loving it.
You're doing really, really good in holding your own...
I don't have my contact lenses in right now, and when I first read this line, I thought it said, "You're doing really, really good in holding your NOSE..."
Probably an even better idea with JA! Maybe you can just say to yourself that his attitude stinks right now, but you have your nose clip on and you won't let it affect your equilibrium.
I don't feel qualified to offer advice about the whole kids thing, but in general, I think that it will be better for YOU if you remain above whatever trouble he is trying to stir up with you--refuse to stoop to his level or give him a legitimate reason to get mad at you, so he's reduced to grasping at increasingly elusive straws to justify what he has done/is doing to you. Not only will that improve your R with him faster (which I'm sure will be better for kids), and set a good example for your children, I think this will make YOU feel better because of knowing that you did the right thing despite his provocation. I'm not saying you should let him get away with anything he wants; just suggesting that you continue to "be the better man (woman)."
Hang in there; I hear that it gets better!
Peace,
Dawn
Mrs. H,
I am sorry about your home. Women look at homes a bit differently then men. We are the ones that usually decorate, are home more, and the "nesting" instinct is always there. Men, on the other hand, aren't too much into the decorating, etc. Most are content with the basics and nothing more. I know your home means a lot to you and your sons and I'm just sorry it has to be this way. As for the people coming and going through your home, it's a distraction and now you have to be even more on your toes in keeping the place neat and tidy for perspective buyers.
Your h has been extremely determined not to meet the boundaries set by you, your lawyer and now the judicial system. You are going to have a difficult time w/him for a while when it comes to the boundaries. You cannot soften towards him on this or he will take advantage of your good nature each and every time. He's going to have to learn that when the time is set for a certain for pick ups an drop offs, he's got to adhere to it. The next time he wants to pick them up early, just say JA, the time is already set and you need to adhere to it. Do not engage in any other discussion. Keep it short, simple and to the point. He really does like to push your buttons. You have your hands full with this guy.
Once the anger has died down, I think things will be a bit better. He's at the stage where he's like a very angry kid that is vindictive in all ways. Hopefully he will get through this, but it won't be until everything has been destroyed and you are then on your own. It's a heck of a way to be towards someone for now reason, but that's how their brains function throughout all of this....anger, lashing out, vindictive, button pushing, etc....and they wonder why we don't want anything to do with them when they are like this!
I do hope that school is going well for you. I am hoping that the studies are keeping your mind from straying too much to him. Please take care of yourself and do something special w/the boys today.
Hugs!
Hi everyone,
I have such a hard time keeping up nowadays since school started for me.
Wednesday we have a realtor coming to look at the house.
It makes me sad as I don't want people coming into my home and looking to make it their own.
It also has me trying to stuff my anger down of being mad at JA over this.
How can he think what he has done and a divorce is going to be better than what we had?
I don't get it.
I have also started having feelings of blaming myself again.
I feel like everything is my fault.
I didn't make him feel loved so he went elsewhere for it.
I think I need to go see a therapist about all my mixed feelings.
I just feel like between school, being a full time mom, trying to keep the house going, I just don't have time for much.
I'm ok though, I am better than I sound.
Thanks for listening to me vent.
Therapy would be an excellent gift you give yourself. I think you deserve it!
You are understandable overwhelmed. That is ok! Counseling may be good for you, especially for a place to vent and learn strategies to juggle the busy life you have.
I think you are doing well stuffing your anger toward JA. He really is not worth it! Don't blame yourself for anything, you can 't chose his path for him...nothing you did or didn't do played into the way he is acting.
Stay strong MrsH...now GO STUDY!!!
OMG...I meant understandably...and I am a teacher??? Scary!!
Thanks WL.
While cleaning today I found a letter that I wrote to JA over 2 years ago. I wrote it while I was at my parents house before I came home to find the ow in my house.
Reading it made me realize how much I have changed and how little JA has changed.
I will share it with you...
Well, I am sitting in my parents house, not being able to sleep as usual these days. I don't know where to start, I am just full of emotions right now. I am sure you don't even feel like reading this note since your mind is made up that you are leaving me. I am sure your wedding ring has already been cashed in. I won't beg and plea for you since I did that already and you don't seem to care. I just love you so much and I don't want to live without you. It has nothing to do with just being used to having you around. I guess I did take you for granted, I never meant to do that. I just thought we had a love that would always be there. I am sorry I was such a horrible wife. I would do anything for you to give me another chance. I would starve myself so you could have your skinnier wife back, I would forget about the idea of having another child, I would do just about anything. I can't even do anything anymore without even thinking about you. I couldn't go to the grocery store the other day because I couldn't bare to just shop for me and the boys. I went into Kohl's and couldn't help to peak at clothes for you. I don't want to get on in life without you. I don't even want to go to the beach because S5 said he wished you were coming with us. I know I have to go for Daniel though. They are the reason I still care to go on living. You probably thought sending me to my parents house would make me forget you, well nothing will. You are on my mind 24/7. I know you said at counseling you didn't think you deserved to be happyy. I hope you were being honest and not just trying to come up with a reason. I don't think you want to change and that is why I don't think you will go to individual counseling, and I think that is why you didn't really try in marriage counseling. It's easier to just put all the blame on me. I know I tried. I tried to make you happy, I tried to give you the perfect world you were looking for. I tried to have dinner on the table at night, I tried to keep the house extra neat, I tried not to leave laundry on the foyer floor, I tried to do little things like asking if you wanted to go for a walk, and making you coffee. What did you do to try and change? Don't tell me I am better off without you because that is a load of crock. Maybe you already found someone else that you think you will be happier with, and maybe you didn't. I feel like you have been chasing me out the door for the last few months. You try to make it look like I am psycho because I thought you were having an affair, but I am not the only one who thought that. The marriage counselor said you have all signs of someone having an affair. You just dont' want to look at anything you did wrong, again just easier to blame it on me. It's not fair that you just expected me to make changes. It's like you were thinking "put up with my bs or get get." What about the boys? Do you think how life would be like for them without seeing you everyday? What about the holidays? Christmas? Do you think S5 and S2 want to wake up in the morning and have only one parent to share their joy with? I know I don't want to spend Christmas without you. I don't want to spend any day without you. I didn't want to call you today because I didn't want to feel like I was pestering you. When you called I was so relieved to hear your voice, and then you were like "well I guess the boys don't want to say goodnight, so see ya" and you hung up. I called you back because I just wanted to hear your voice a little more and I didn't care what we talked about, but you were like "I don't want to talk!" So I guess that's it, your just giving up. Go ahead tell your family and friends that you tried and I didn't if that makes your guilt conscience go away. I know the truth. I guess there is no changing your mind. I am afraid I am going to come home this weekend and all of your stuff is going to be gone, and there will be no more you in my life. I just hope you really know what you are doing.
Boy, how pathetic was I?
Little did I know when I would come home that weekend I would find the slut it my house.
Ugh.
pathetic my butt, you tried like heck to keep your M, and no one ever will accuse you that you didn't do enough, if he couldnt' hold on to his vows and his spine and wasnt' able to begin the hard work of piecing back the M it isnt' on you lov)))))))))))))
Thanks Cat,
I forgot to mention that he never did get a chance to read that letter.
Not that it would of made a difference anyway.
Hmmm.... I've read what people have said about setting boundaries, I've read what they've said about being the better person and trying to get along for the kids' sake.
I've got a different thought...kind of sort of to "teach him a lesson," but it might also make your life a little easier......
Is there ANY way in the world possible on Wednesday to NOT have the boys ride the bus? Pick them up directly from school and drive them home, and be at home ready and waiting for exH promptly at visitation start time. That way, he'll be hanging out at the bus stop looking like a fool. If he complains, smile very pleasantly and say, "exH, my procedures and routines for getting the boys home really are not your concern anymore, as long as they are happy, healthy, safe, and ready for you at the correct time." Hand him the boys' bags or whatever, kiss the boys goodbye, and shut the door in his face.
Easier said than done, I know. My own stbx still has a key for the house because I can't afford to replace the locks, and he comes on in whenever he fancies. He came over to help clean up after Hurricane Ike, which was much appreciated, but proceeded to try to lay down the law for the kids and punish S9 for "lying." (He wasn't.) It infuriated me. I am tired of him trying to take control around my house when it isn't his home anymore.
So when I read about JA's antics, I can really empathize. It doesn't do any good to set boundaries with this type of monster, because he absolutely delights in crashing through those boundaries, knowing that you won't make too much of a fuss. He knows he'll end up getting his way because you want to do what's best for the kids, including not making a scene with their father. It lets him assert himself (in the most trivial, stupid way) and proves that you can't really do anything about it. (Na-na-na-na-boo-boo, you-can't-touch-me.)
So change the routine completely. Throw him off balance.
It's a better way of showing him you mean business than by constantly reminding him of the boundary that you can't really enforce. (Short of having a police officer wait at the bus stop with you.)
Just my 2 cents.
Hey Tp,
Your plan is exactly what I have been planning to do!
I am just going to have to pick S7 up from school on the days that JA is coming for them.
So yesteday the realtor that he recommended came. She seemed pretty good and the company she works for does A LOT of advertising. I am going to call up another 2 realtors to get their opinions too.
She was very nice but I still hated the fact that I even have to sell my house so the thought of her being there was making me ill.
Plus she is very attractive so the whole time she was here I was wondering to myself if JA is screwing her too.
Blah.
Anyway, JA took the boys afterwards for his visitation night. When he brought them home he actually walked them to the door instead of just dropping them off and taking off.
We stood outside for about 10 minutes just talking about selling the house.
He told me that I could probably use the realtor to buy another house.
I mentioned that there was no way I was going to be able to afford to buy a house for a few years and that the boys and I were going to have to rent an apartment.
He asked why I couldn't buy a house and I told him with no job, it's hard to get approved for a mortgage.
He asked why I don't just pay cash for a house with my share of the money I will be getting from the house.
Is he an idiot? Does he realize how much it costs to own a house in the lower part of NY?
Of course I said that to him in a nicer way.
Then we got back to me renting an apartment. He said the kids will love it as they like staying in his apartment.
I said "that is because they are not living there full time. They still have this house to come home to, but it's going to suck for them when they have to give up having a yard, a big house to run around in, a driveway to ride their bikes on and all their friends in the neighborhood."
He said that when he was young he didn't have any friends in his neighborhood and grow up in a crappy house and he grew up just fine.
Then S7 came outside and asked his Dad to come see his new bedding set and pirate wall stickers.
I allowed JA to come in as he was being really pleasant.
He didn't want to seem to leave.
I kept mentioning to s7 that he had to get his homework done.
After about 20 minutes JA finally said "Ok, S7 I better let you get your homework done."
On his way out he said to me have a good night. Something he never does anymore. I was waiting for the punch line.
It came. Right as I was about to shut the door he said "Make sure you have the boys call me."
He's always got to feel like he has the upper hand still.
JA seems quite content with this divorce. I don't think it has affected him and I don't think it ever will.
I guess my sitch is boring nowadays, huh?
This morning I woke up to another one of those dreams where I am trying my hardest to break up JA and ow. I try to convince people that what she has done is wrong, but no one believes me. I try to convince JA what we had was special, and that doesn't work. I then try to publicly humiliate the ow or try to hurt her somehow.
I think what triggered this dream was looking at pictures that JA gave to the boys of their Bush Garden's trip with the ow. She wasn't in any of the pictures but I know she was the one taking them. It's a reminder to me that she was there with MY family having a good time on a family trip when it is me that should of been there.
Also, in all the pictures I got to see the way the boys were dressed. He has brought them all new clothes for his place. They were all wearing matching necklaces too.
I really think JA likes being a single Dad.
I have to find a way to let go of this anger.
JA came to pick the boys up today for a few hours so they could go to one of their cousin's bday party.
He was a bit snippy toward me. I think he may have tried to walk in the front door before ringing the bell and it finally dawned on him that I changed the locks.
I will be picking the boys up from their cousin's house so I can take them to my niece's bday party.
I am hoping that I don't see the bimbo
Hope everyone has a lovely day.
I really think JA likes being a single Dad.
I just thought this the other day about my H! I think he is going to love it too.
I guess the snippy was his reaction about the locks, but look at it this way. A few months ago, he would have flipped and been really mean to you. But now, he just accepted it with minimal tantrums. He is accepting things, just like you, just in a different way.
Sure these men like being a single dad because they do not have the same responsibilities that WE have. We attempt to discipline, keep order in the house, etc.
They cannot deal with conflict at all. As long as nothing rocks their little world, all is okay.
Yes, MWG, exactly. All the fun of being a Daddy and hardly any responsibility.
My H is walking away without even paying child support. He gets his whole paycheck and none of the bills for the home where his kids will live a lot of the time.
Hey all,
I've been really busy lately so I don't get much of a chance to sign on here.
We have another realtor coming today to look at the house.
Another person that JA has brought in.
He called me yesterday to tell me about it. I was on my way out with my friends, and my mother was watching the kids. He asked to speak to them but I told him they were with my mother because I was going out for the night.
I also told him regarding realtors, "well I wanted to get someone in too, but you never gave me a date that would be good."
He said to make it on Friday.
Then he asked how I knew them and I said I was recommended to them.
He asked by who and I didn't give him an answer.
He asked "Your lawyer?"
I said "what difference does it make?"
He said "well we are NOT going with that realtor then." He said it so arrogantly that I just hung up on him.
Get this....He TM's me "Haven't you taken enuff from me already?"
I had no idea what he meant by that, I just TM'd him back "Is that a joke?"
Anyway, I will try and sign back on later to let you know how it goes today.
Sounds like JA even knows that he's purposely pushing your buttons. So immature!
Uhhmmmmmmm...and his realtors were referred to him from whom????
I am so sorry you have to put up with this. What is going to happen when he realizes that selling the place may take a long time and the profit made could be a lot less than he thought.
You are entitled to get someone of your choosing in on this.
What if you blocked HIS number so that no texts come in from him?
sounds like he is whining and telling you that if you don't do things his way he is going to try to make life miserable...you can handle him just fine...
Bring it on JA!!!
What an @ss! What difference does it make who the realtor is or who recommended the realtor just as long as you get a fair market value for your house? Sometimes I wonder if he was dropped on his head at birth. Honestly, he's a piece of work.
The comment he made about you haven't had enough of him yet....that's telling me he's been deliberately pushing your buttons to wear you down to do what he wants. So, go to Staples and get you one of those ring buttons and every time he pushes your buttons, hit that freaking button for some relief.
Please take care of yourself and be sure that you inform Mr. Personality that you need some advance notice before he has someone drop by and that you will give him the same notice as well.
Only thing worse than a control freak is a freak in control.
Now he's telling you he's been pushing your button, just to get to push your button. He seems really fascinated with your button. Don't let him. Make him play with his own button for a while.
As long as you expect his very worst, he will never disappoint you or let you down. You will not be off balance, just annoyed.
Now, tell us more about this button. It seems to be quite a special button.
I think the TM may have meant more along the lines of "Haven't you taken AWAY enough from me," meaning "It belonged to me before, and now it belongs to you, and I don't have the right to enjoy/use it any more." Seems like a reasonable alternative interpretation, yes? If so, that might change some things. But...maybe I'm just confused.
Love Snodderly's idea about the button from Staples!
Peace,
Dawn
Dawn,
Yes, it could be interpreted the way you presented it as well. But, his mind is all messed up and doesn't even realize that he's the one that had the power to return home and make things right. Mrs. H hasn't taken one thing from him and he's still sitting on the potty have a pity party.
Who knows what he actually meant to say in all of this. I still say go get that button from Staples and pound it every time he's on a button pushing rampage. It's a great stress reliever!
Hey all.
Snodderly, I LOL'd at you calling JA an ass.
W2S, Where have you been? I love when you stop by.
Dawn, at first I thought I interepted his statement as: didn't I have enough of his behavior but then the next morning I realized that maybe he meant it as: didn't I take enough from him (financially, emotionally, etc) I don't know which one it is now.
Quite frankly, it probably doesn't matter as the bottom line is, like Snodderly says, he messed up in the head.
He came yesterday. The realtor showed up on time and he was 20 minutes late. Dork.
We both decided that we didn't really care for this guy so we are not going to go with him.
When JA dropped the kids off from his visitation, he came in the house.
He said he had to get something out of his drawer.
I asked "what drawer?"
I forgot he had a designated kitchen cabinet drawer for his stuff.
I think I will go thru it and put it all in a box for him to take with him next time.
I don't need his sh!t in my house.
He also asked me where the pics were that he gave S7 last week. The pics were of their vacation in Bush Gardens with the bimbo.
I told him they are on the end table if you want them.
He said "no, they are for S7 for here."
I wanted to say to him "well keep them at your house then because I don't need the constant reminder here in my house."
I should of said it, I don't know why I didn't.
Instead I showed him a digital memory book I ordered online of the boys and ALL the fun WE had this summer.
He looked through it very fast and said "oh, it's nice."
Sure, he only wants me to see the fun THEY had.
Double Dork.
I have to go pick up my son at preschool, I will catch up later.
"The realtor showed up on time and he was 20 minutes late. Dork."
Wow--he is really interested in getting this house on the market and sold, isn't he?
He also cannot stand the thought of the kids having a nice time with you at all.
I was watching that show, Reba, one day and her ex, who went thru a MLC and married ow, came over and asked where his stuff was and she said, "In the garage labeled junk that does not belong here anymore."
MrsH
Just focus on the mission at hand, sell the house. Get a place he has no history in or claim to. Let the kids put pictures of him in their room if they want to. They won't bother. Give them a choice, and they'll for posters of rock stars and their choice of super hero. He is neither.
The only way they will put his picture in their room is if he comes over and guilts them into it.
Then fill the common areas of your new home with bigger better pictures of them with you, smiling from ear to ear. Have professional shots done for framing somewhere. The kind that say "we are a family"
Mrs. H
How long did it take for you to get yr cs check once it was taken out frm your X?
How did it arrive, by mail?
Mrs. H--Thinking of you............
Hey all,
W2S, I actually do have a couple pics in the boys rooms of JA and the boys that I put in montage(sp?)frames. However, I just don't need the constant reminder of them having "fun" on their vacations with the ow. I highly doubt JA has any pics of me and the kids at his place.
I like your ideas... When I lose some weight, I will get some professional family photos done of the kids and I, and the little pup too.
Chicki, so far, my child support check does not come directly out of JA's pay, he just gives me the check or directly deposits it in my bank account.
Thanks MWG!
So, JA is at it again.
Thursday night I accidently left my cell phone in my car. When I got into my car I saw that he left me a bunch of VMs. The first couple of ones he said that he just wanted to talk to the boys and have them call him back.
Then he started getting nasty. He said that he would like to know the status of the boys but either I left my cell phone in the car or I was being vindictive and wouldn't let him talk to the boys. And since I had no house phone he couldn't reach me. He also said that he would pick s7 up at the bus stop.
I have had enough. I call him only to get his VM and I left a message saying that I DID leave my cell phone in the car, and he would of been able to call the boys on a house phone if he didn't go and cancel it on me before I had a chance for the cable company to take it over. I also told him that he can pick the boys up at 4pm at the house, not the bus stop.
He TM's me after: I supported you and paid all your bills for 2 plus years while you tried to take the boys away forever. When the judge said I could stop I did. BTW, I make XXXX a month and give you XXXX. Stop crying poverty.
The next one said: Stop being vengeous and start new.
The next: How long did you expect me to pay?
I ignored his TM's and just responded with 6pm pack meeting for boy scounts at s7 school.
He responded with, I will be there at 4pm to take them.
So at 3:45pm, while I am waiting for s7 to come off the bus, JA shows up at the bus stop.
He asks me if I plan on being there at the cub scouts that night.
I said "yes I am. I have to re-register him afterall.
JA: Well I spoke with my L and he said you had no right to be there.
Me: What? That is not true and I recall at one of the 4 way meetings that YOUR L said we should both be at these events for the kids.
JA: Well you better call your L then because my L said you shouldn't be there.
Me: Well, I am going and that is it.
I walked away from him to join some of my other neighborhood moms/friends and he follows me and starts to say something nasty.
I told him: Not here, I am not dealing with your sh!t right now.
He said "well I wouldn't of called up my L and made such a big deal about this cub scout thing if you would just let me pick the boys up early. I said "this is all about control with you. You need to be in control at all times."
At this point S7 bus pulls up and I started to walk toward it to get him off the bus.
JA says "I will get him."
Me: no, I will, we are still on my time afterall.
JA runs up to grab s7 off the bus and proceeds to hold him like a 2 year old. He wouldn't even let me go near him to say hello to him, nothing.
After a couple of minutes I said to JA, he doesn't need to be held like a 2 year old in front of his friends.
He tells me to go away.
The whole time I could tell S7 wanted to say hello to me but he looked afraid to as he didn't want to make his father mad.
So finally I just said goodbye to S7 and said to him that I would see him later.
I get home and JA calls my cell. He says "I just talked to S7 and he says he does not want to join the cub scouts anymore."
I just said "yeah, whatever" and hung up.
S7 was excited about joining and now all of a sudden he doesn't want to join? I know he talked him into not joining.
So then I call my L. Some help he is. He said "look, you are just going to have to learn to deal with this."
I said to him "so, let me get this straight? I have to deal with his manipulation and harrassment for the next 15 years or so?"
My L said "well we can't always take the nitty gritty things before the judge. She may be one of those judges that says that visitation has dominance over everything else. So just sign him up for boy scouts and he will just have to miss the events on the weekends that JA has him."
I said to him "this isn't right. The courts obviously don't have the children's best interest in mind first. So he is just going to continue to get away with his BS and no one will hold him accountable for it."
My L: well usually when everything is all signed things go smoother and the spouse will usually be cooperative.
I said "well that's not going to be him. What's the point of having an agreement in place if he doesn't have to follow it? Even with this bus stop thing, s7 doesn't have a chance to come home for a few minutes, tell me how his day was, show me the homework he has to do, etc."
My L: Well, I will write him another letter.
Me: fine.
Like that is going to do anything.
I am so damn annoyed. JA gets to walk all over me and gets away with it for the next 15 years.
I was so stressed out last night that I didn't even want to talk about it here.
Instead, I went out an ordered some pasta, brought a bottle of red wine, and came home and caught up on some of my tv shows I had dvr'd.
As for JA, I can't stand him.
Oh, and I finally did get my home phone back on. At least that is a plus.
Mrs. H,
I hate to say it, but your lawyer is correct...you have to find a way to deal w/your JA. Choose your battles to take to the lawyer and learn to come here to bounce things off of us. Your lawyer is there to offer legal guidance and to ensure that your monetary rights and custodial rights are taken care of. It sounds like he's getting a bit tired of you phoning him every time JA does something that's not exactly in line with the agreement.
Right now, JA is acting out because he's madder than an old wet hen over what the agreement is. He's rebelling and you are caught in the middle. Look at how he's constantly bringing up about what he makes, pays you, the house and what he's lost. State your case w/him and do not go into anything else w/him. The man loves to push your buttons. He baits you, you bite the bait. Look at how he behaved in front of your son's bus mates and the parents? He doesn't care, but you do. Rise above it. Be the adult here. Think about it....how would you react/respond to a child who is rebelling? This is how you need to look at JA...he's acting like a kid who is afraid of losing his candy or his privileges. Find a way to break this cycle that you both are in. If you don't, it will continue to repeat itself over and over again and I don't think that's what you want, nor is it health for any of you, including your children.
I agree w/the lawyer...sign your son up for the activities. Go to the activities on the weekends you have him and let JA take him on the dates that he has him. Both of you will need to find a way to "share" the custody and the activities at some point. I don't think things will settle down w/JA until the divorce is finalized and about 6-18 months after that. Right now, he's flexing his authority for showmanship to all, including you.
I'm very sorry he's still acting like a JA, but when they are off kilter in the mind, this is how they behave. You might want to read the postings of MYTURNNOW. She had similiar issues w/her h and now after all of this time, he's settled down. It's time to take the boxing gloves off, step outside the ring and allow JA to shadow box w/himself.
I'm very, very sorry this baiting continues and he is making your life miserable...but the old saying "misery loves company"...is so true when it comes to people in crisis. Please, please take care of yourself. Find a support group in your area for parents w/o partners or a divorce support group. There are a number of them in my area and they are basically free and they will help you to work through some of these things that are happening to you. You need someone "live" to talk to you about these things and who better than other parents who have gone through this.
Please try to let it go for today and just relax and enjoy your day.
im confused w/ your L...its a chance for him to bill you! everytime my H wet against court ordered stuff he could technically be found in contempt of court. my L would send his L a nasty gram and she would have to rile H up. When my H came and ransacked my house when i was away...my L was great.
i really am so confused you cant move. when everything points to better being able to provide your kids with a better life more comparable to the the one they had.
i feel so bad for you. maybe some IC for you or a legal advocate at an abuse center. with not being allowed to move and theway he breaks court ordered visitations, it really amounts to emotional abuse.
Mrs. H
I think snodderly is very correct...you need to pick your battles
15 is 15 mins
if you acted as if you didn't care, he might not push that one for you
there are many many many battles and it doesn't matter how many of those we win or lose if our eye is on the prize and we grab that in the end
my ex hasn't paid childsupport
he owes me around 50000.
my sencond ex owes me around 10000 and it grows every month
someday I will take them back to court
but for now
i don't have to deal with either of them
its like one of those mastercard commercials
NTM,
I sense from Mrs. H's posting that the lawyer doesn't want to deal with the "nitty gritty", i.e., petty things and continue to run up her bill. He is very much aware that she is not working, trying to go to school and for once, someone isn't trying to take her to the cleaners. I also sense that he feels that constantly going before the judge/court, it's going to get to the point that the judge is going to toss out Mrs. H's complaints, i.e., will look at her as calling wolf far too many times.
I know that the lawyers in my area have advised spouses who are going through divorce, that once the separation/divorce are in place, unless there is harm or blatant excuses or bodily harm, abuse, etc., for not doing something, they will not take it to court. In fact, unless it's to change custody arrangements, expenses, etc., they don't want to be bothered with this type of stuff. They feel that their job is done and you, the client, need to work this out for yourself. I'm not making excuses for the judicial system, but I get the sense that this may be the case. I've been around enough legal eagles to know that they don't want to devote their time to playing referees in such matters.
What would work better in her favor is to document everything. Keep a good log and when you need to meet with the lawyer and/or the judge, have the documentation readily available in black and white. This will hold more credibility with the legal eagles then calling them up every time something happens that you don't like or can't control.
Eventually, if this continues, the lawyers and the judge may make it mandatory that they both seek counseling for themselves and their children. This is not a good environment for the children to be in with the heated discussions, him holding the child so tightly, his late night phone calls, accusations and the behavior at the school and at the bus stop.
It's just my take on the situation as it appears to be escalating with JA. It's very important that Mrs. H document everything, time date, incident and witnesses to the incident. Some day, she may need this documentation.