I call it a MLC but I don't really know. My husband went active duty Army and was stationed in South America for six months. They lived in an apartment, ate at restaurants and had a driver. It wasn't exactly hard duty. The whole time he was there, he called everyday. He acted totally normal. He would write me emails saying he would be glad to be home,loved me and missed me. We have always had a loving relationship, very supportive of each other, and though our sex life had slowed down, I think we were happy and content with our lives.
When he gets home, he says the first night that he feels nervous or unsettled. We don't have a intimate reunion and spend our time visiting with relatives that missed him too. Eventually he says that he thinks something is wrong because he has no interest in sex. We make a dr. appt. and his tests come back normal. I mention Viagra, and he says it isn't that it doesn't work, he just isn't interested. I try to be supportive and say maybe he just needs to get back in sync with being home. Because we worked different shifts when he got home, it wasn't that hard to pretend things were normal between us, and he started doing overtime at work, so I wouldn't see him on weekends much. Finally I notice that while I am at work, nothing is being done at home. Like he wasn't even living there. I started monitoring our router and notice that sometimes he would check an email account that I knew nothing about.
He sits down with me one night and tells me that he is not happy. I tell him I don't understand what is going on, but it still didn't occur to me he was trying to say he wasn't happy in our marriage, I truly thought he was depressed and was talking about that. Anyway, we basically have the same talk a couple of weeks later and I still don't realize what he is trying to say.
The next day I install a keylogger. I find out he has a girlfriend in South America, and is telling her how much he loves her, and when he separates from his wife they can be together. I am devastated. I read nasty emails to each other, desparate emails, emails about him not wanting to hurt his wife, and emails that sort of sound like goodbye--"I want what is right for you, I understand if you to forget about me and move on with your life." blah blah blah". He was basically getting up in the morning, checking his email to her, and looking at porn all day. He would check his email probably every 20 minutes and write love letter emails to her that would take him a whole hour to make it perfect.I find out he is also calling her while he is at work with a phone card.
I am going into work and totally spacing out thinking about it. I finally confide in one person I trust, and that helps alittle. While this is going on, I also notice that my foot and lower leg are having a numb feeling. I go to the doctor and found out I have a cyst inside my spinal canal. And will need surgery.
I'll continue this in the next post so this one doesn't get so long
Anyway, I go on medical leave in end of February. I don't have surgery until early May because surgeons kept passing me up the someone they thought had more expertise.
Here is the really "interesting part" of my story. After reading the emails myself for awhile and not saying anything to him about it, she sends him an email that says the time that she has given him is up, and he has to divorce or tell her it's over. This is what he sent her. He says he has problems (me, medical leave, surgery) that he can't fix right now and he understands that it is over.
She writes him another email and says I can't live without you, that he can continue to support me, and they are meant to be together. SO I deleted it before he saw it and blocked her address. THEN I set up an account that was almost just like hers, and told him that I (she) thought it best if we quit communicating, and wished him well. He sent her (ME) a beautiful email saying he would never forget her. I rewrote it, and resent it from his address to her. It simply said that I chose to stay with my wife and regret our past actions, and to go on with her life.
I had asked him if there was anyone else, he said no. He got home at the end of October, and had not told me, tried to leave or even discuss it till February. Then he said that he couldn't leave because of my surgery. So in my mind, he maybe didn't really want to leave or just couldn't bring himself to do it.
Anyway, after the goodbyes, he wrote her a couple more messages saying how much he missed her, and how his life will never be the same and he would never forget her. Of course these really went to me. So I (disguised as HER) sent him a message telling him to please stop with the messages because I was with a man who was free to love me and had started to see him right after he left. He sent one last message that said all kind of wonderful things to her, and his regret that they couldn't work it out and be together.
I'll go to the next post because this is getting really long.
The whole time he had been home, he was kind, if not really involved in our life. Anyway I was afraid that he would in about six or so months he would try to see if she would talk to him so I (HER) sent him an email saying that she and her boyfriend were in the states now and getting married. I even gave him the date. It was the weekend before my surgery, and I could tell he was distraught at the thought but was trying to be there for me. I wanted him to think she was not the great person he thought she was.
And I didn't think it was fair to me that he was going to have an affair, and then not ever tell me. SO (this is embarrassing I went to such lengths) I left him a note on the kitchen table the friday before my surgery (Monday) that I had received a letter from someone and that it said she had an affair with him while he was down there, and that she thought I should know. I didn't want to tell him I knew because of a keylogger but I wanted it out that I knew. I said in my note that I had to leave, I didn't know where I was going, or when or if I would be back. He could call me in the morning. I stayed at a hotel in town.
He apologized, said it was over, didn't know why it even started, had always been content with our lives, that he realized that he didn't want to lose what he had. He never admitted that he loved her just said that he didn't want to lose our life.
He wrote her (ME) an email that said he can't believe she would be so cruel and vicious, and he hopes she has a good life. He told me this part himself. He said that he wanted her to know that I didn't deserve such treatment (ironic) and he will spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me.
So that is where we are at today in our relationship. I know he is really having a hard time forgetting about her, but also wasn't willing to give up his whole life or reputation to make it happen.
So anyway, he is trying to be more involved, trying to be helpful, and trying to get some feeling of normalcy.
I don't think I can ever tell him that I had a hand in the break up of his affair. I don't think I will ever be that brave. I am just trying to get through each day without breaking down.
Sounds like you have your life back....hope he never finds out what you did (as thatmay throw it all away). The sad part from your posts was that it sounded like he was ending it before you even had a hand in it. I hope you two continue to work things out
Did she ever contact him back after "he" broke up with her?
wow! talk about resourceful! you are something else hon. I think I would've done the same. Well, it is over now and they'll never see each other since she is elsewhere. The distance between you two was a factor, but not all of it, he has other issues that need to be brought up. You two need MC pronto. I have a coworker who's H has been away for 2 deployments, and he's always come back to her lovingly.
For him to have a gf there shows a lack of something, you two need to work hard in reconnecting each other and nurture your M or, heaven forbid, he might seek escape in someone else.
Consider Retrouville or other M related program, don't let this just be.
I sort of makes me feel like I am the one that is mean and vicious. I don't know if I can get over that fact that he was willing to risk our life. We had never had problems.
I think it mostly started because they were in a country with very beautiful woman, and alot of those woman want to come to the US. Men go down there and feel like kings. This is a country where american men who are 3's can get attention from women who are 10's. Five of the men down there with him were married and one engaged. Four of them cheated. My husband met this girl just sitting in a restaurant having dinner. He said he never had any intention of cheating, he just got to talking and liked her.
I think he is being truthful with me now. He answers questions I have. And some of them I already know the truth.
I am having the hardest time with the truth that my life isn't what it used to be. It is so humbling and scary. I feel like an old shoe that he was just going to throw out.
In truth, I don't know if he would have had the strength to end it with her if he thought she was still there missing him. I think he really cares about her. He said he could talk to her about everything. Which is ironic, because he didn't tell her he was married until he got home. I think he sorta wanted her to be firm and end it because he couldn't bring himself to do it.
It is scary. He goes to Afghanistan for six months in January. I figure that will either make or break us for good. I go back to work in a couple of weeks and hope to not still be crying everyday by then.
No, she can't call because of cost, I don't even know if she knows his cell phone number.
I also sent her an email from me later saying that I had found out about the affair (she thought I already knew) and how I was devastated. I told her I couldn't believe he would make love to me and not tell me he had been with someone else. (He told her we had not been intimate since he got back, it wasn't much of a lie, but we had been together twice)
I think she decided he was a lost cause, but then since I blocked her email, she may have tried and just not got through. They never tell you whether it is blocked or not, so she may have thought she was getting through to him and he was not answering.
Am I the only one who thinks your deception, while quite impressive, could potentially be the final blow to your relationship one day?
He was wrong. So were you.
What if he were to phone the woman?
I sympathize with your plight. We've all experienced having our worlds turned upside down. In that desperate state, many of us have thought of desperate steps to take, but usually not done them.
I don't mean to be critical. As others have said, I may well have done a similar thing myself if I had the ability.
I'm just afraid that things like this have a way of returning one day. And what happens then?
Blessings,
Bill
I don't know, I am afraid I would have to confess about my hand in the break up, and I can't ever do that. It seems so conniving. But then so does emailing your girlfriend while you are married.
We are talking about important things now, he seems to be making plans that involve our future. That was something he had quit doing. I would bring something up to do one day, and he would just sort of go hmmmmm. Not yeah, nea, or talk about it , just hmmmmm.
Well if it ends it ends.
I think if I would have told him that I know the truth when I found out, we would be separated and well on our way to divorce. I have to live with knowing I am second pick. I think he would've been relieved in a way. He says he never would have left me, and never wanted me to find out, but I am almost positive that it would have given him the motivation to make the changes.
I realize that my life now is a no win situation. If I tell the truth, I may lose him, if I don't, I live with the fact that he is here because he doesn't know the truth.
There is no way I would admit it now what I have done. I thought I was pretty brave just letting him know I know about the affair. But I didn't want to feel the resentment of him just going along like nothing happened.
Life just sucks sometimes.
there is never anything worth having that does not involve being brave
sounds like you have some work to do on yourself
and
he has some issues he needs to address
and
yes...having an affair while married is conniving
it is disgusting and a huge betrayal of trust
tricking someone into staying is also a betrayal...one is not at a worse level than another
I can not say I would not have done the same thing
I can say that I would confess it
he has a right to be angry at you just as you have a right to be angry with him
trapping someone is not the way you want to live
and
if you do not both address your problems it will happen again
Truly admirable. I wish I had the computer savvy and skill that you do. Congratulations on taking control of your life.
Ahhh, cogratulations on taking control of TWO other peoples lives actually.
Veritas vos liberabit
The Truth shall set you free.
Live a lie for the rest of your life. Having what you have through deception, and you will ALWAYS wonder if the rest of it is real.
IF you are regretting your actions now, it will only get worse.
Go get a MC, learn how to talk to each other, eventually tell him what happened.
The sad part in this, the truely sad part, is that the problems in a marriage are seldom one sided. You were not given the chance to figure out your contributions to its failing, you don't have to now, and you won't be able to work on them.
Justifying your bad actions because of another persons bad actions, I did it because he did it...
If your going to do something at least own it, at least do it because of you not someone else, don't be a puppet.
He only has the email for her that he has been using. He thinks she got married and is living with her new husband in the states. He doesn't know her "new married name". I checked her cell phone and that number is no longer active so she probably can't afford it without him buying her the minutes. Now He thinks she just was with himself and the new husband so that she could come to America. So I don't think he wants to be with the new image of her. He wants to be with the fantasy of her.
He was down there for six months. The affair didn't start until he was there after 3 1/2 months. So I don't think it was a product of our broken relationship. I think he would have messed around right when he got there if that is the case. I think it was a horny man in an atmosphere of permissiveness and it was easy to just let it happen. I am not saying that makes it okay. As a matter of fact, I have no idea what I am saying or what it means. I had never worried about anything like this before. We have been together for 25 years, and this is the first time anything has ever even caused me concerned.
When I left the note that I knew about the affair, he went to his brother's house and broke down crying because he didn't think I would ever come back or forgive him. He said he was ashamed and embarrassed that he ever did that to me, and that I have done nothing but support him through the years. He knows I didn't deserve this kind of betrayal. And I don't think he ever thought he was a person that would do that.
I don't know what is in store for the future. He has told me that he doesn't want me to feel like I have to stay because of monentary concerns. Since my health problems will never really go away, my future earning potential isn't very promising. He has promised that no matter what I decide, he will be there financially for me. Although it might be easier to say that to me because he knows I don't want a divorce.
Now I am just rambling.
Well you both have some attoning to do, how are you going to do it?
What would you change in yourself, to better yourself, that would be beneficial to your marriage?
I have looked into seeing an individual counselor. I don't know if we will get to the marriage counselor. Neither of us is the spill our gut types. I was shaking just submitting this to an anonymous forum.
I don't know all the changes I need to do. I have been reading alot of books, looking at websites, and trying talk about things.
The other day we pulled into the driveway and I started crying. He asked what is it. It was just that looking at our house from the road, it looks like a happy house. It looks like whoever is living there is happy, has a good marriage, and is content with their lives. It isn't a fancy house, it just looks like a cheery place to be. It looks homey. It just hit me that the world isn't the place I thought it was. It doesn't matter how good you are to someone, how devoted you have been, or how much you care. It is hard not to be hardened.
I think I need to logoff for the day. This is making me cry. I'll be back tomorrow or Monday but I think for now I have to take a break from it.
Thanks to everyone for replying. I realize that my "methods" were not exactly noble. I appreciate the honesty, although please be kind. I am having a pretty hard time dealing with it all even if it seems like I think I have it all figured out.
Come here ANY time! It'll help in the long run....lots of ideas here for sure!
IMO all is fair in love and war. I don't understand why you should have to beat yourself up.
IMO all is fair in love and war.
I wonder how many OMs or OWs feel that way too?
Holy Detective shows, Batman.
You got some mad Skillz.
Now you maybe you should use your super powers for good instead of not so good.
I am not judging you.
I just see sort of a desperation here.
When you fall in love, you are willing to lose them, in order for them to be happy. We many times don't have a choice.
You are willing to go without. It is not putting yourself on the back burner, or you not living your life.
It is just letting them go, and not trying to "trap" them back. Don't you want him to come back b/c of his own recognizance?
I hope that you both can sit down one day, and be able to be honest with each other.
I think it is very strong of you to admit it here.
Wow- you got the result you wanted, but now you have to live with keeping a secret from him. I think you need to find a way to tell him what you did, in good time. If you forgave him for his infidelity, he should find a way to forgive you for your sneakiness.
Wow- you got the result you wanted, but now you have to live with keeping a secret from him. I think you need to find a way to tell him what you did, in good time. If you forgave him for his infidelity, he should find a way to forgive you for your sneakiness.
Umm...I may get some 2x4's, but I'm not sure telling him is a good idea. What purpose would it serve?
Would it help or hurt your husband?
Would it help or hurt the marriage?
Would it help or hurt your chances at a happy future together?
I am NOT saying that what you did was right. It was manipulative and controlling, and that is not okay. But it is something you did out of desperation, and many of us here might have done the same thing if faced with the same situation. (And had your "mad skillz!!!" LOL.)
But it is in the past. Definitely go to counseling, with him or without him. Work through it with your counselor, understand why you did it and why you were able to justify it to yourself, forgive yourself for it, and commit to 100% honesty from here on out. If you are able to forgive him for cheating, and he is able to work through his MLC issues and recommit to the marriage, how would telling him help? I foresee that it would be the end of the marriage.
If you must tell him, wait until you are in your 70's or 80's and have blissfully happy lives with your grandchildren scampering around you. By then, he might even laugh at it. But for now, take it to God, take it here, take it to your counselor, not to your H.
Just MO, of course.
I guess curiousity got the better of me and I have logged back in.
I don't really feel I trapped him. I just broke up his affair. If he doesn't want to be here, he can still leave. I don't know which way he would have gone without my meddling, but I am not holding him here.
I have a disability that will one day will cause me to not be able to work. I am off work now and don't know if it will be too painful to continue when I go back. I guess there is a certain amount of desperation to keep my husband. BUT I do love him. I always have and I always will. This affair is so contrary to his character, that it takes my breath away everytime it pops into my head. So about 80 million times a day, my guts fall to the floor and I feel a little dizzy.
I don't know what will happen, he is becoming more like his old self. But I know our lives will never be the same. It is like an innocence lost. I hate that.
It IS an innocence lost. You can rebuild the trust though.
Don't take our comments as nothing but criticism. I'm amazed at what you did and, on some levels, incredibly impressed.
I know this. Throughout my previous marriage, I did things I should not have done. No affairs or anything like that mind you, but things that hurt my ex-wife when she found out. And this is what I know from my experience. They always find out. And until they do, this kind of thing can hang over your head and affect YOU in a negative way.
Still, having said that, I waver on telling him or not.
Please do try to see a counselor alone. Talk about this, see what he/she has to say about coming clean with this. Then look in your heart and ask yourself if you will be able to deal with always knowing about this.
I pray that your husband is back on track. That this was an aberration.
Blessings,
bill
I don't really feel I trapped him. I just broke up his affair.
You did trick him though.
If he doesn't want to be here, he can still leave.
Unless its via email. : )
I cannot argue with your results.
The ends however do not justify the means.
There is an innocence lost.
We are now in our late 40's. We both decided that we didn't want to have children, so there won't be any grandchildren running around. I think now that that makes it even scarier for me. It kills me to think of having to be alone without him. I can't even imagine it.
Sometimes you just have to put the past behind you. You need to fogive him for his failings. And you need to forgive yourself for your failings. And then you just leave the baggage behind. I don't believe that telling each other your secrets will improve your relationship. I think if you can concoct a scaled down version of your wrongdoing, and admit to that, get forgiven and move on, that is for the best.
Garbage is garbage. Don't drag it around with you, and don't go sifting through it looking for hidden meanings. Get rid of it. If you need to go confess to a priest, then do that. But confessing to your husband will not help you or him in any way.
I forgot to mention that English is not the OW's first language so any email I sent had to sound like it was bad English with mispelled words. I looked back in the emails I had copied to see what her sentence structure was, and which words she mispelled the most. And she really loved these!!!!!!!!!! She was so excited !!!!!!!!
She was also 20 years younger than my husband.
Thinking about it all is just so depressing. I have antidepressants from my doctor. but I haven't noticed any difference except that I feel really sleepy. I have finally stopped losing weight. I went from 34DD to 32DD. You know how hard it is to find a 32DD bra. I hope one day food will taste again because right now it feels like rubber in my mouth.
You are still in the throes of the upheaval of the affair. As time goes by, and your relationship goes back to normal, the insecurity will fade. I understand being haunted by the idea that your husband preferred to be with someone else. That happened to me when my husband had an affair 1 1/2 years ago. When I look back at the things I wrote then, they surprise me. I no longer even remember feeling so insecure. But the thoughts of him with her did haunt me. They went away with time and reassurance from him.
Some of the best advice I got at the time, when we were doing our Retrouvaille weekend, was to tell the truth, but no one says what depth of truth to go to. I found a shallow depth to be quite enough. If you leave the past behind, what difference does it make what went on then?
Oh wow! You are very resourceful in your actions of breaking up your H's affair! HOWEVER; don't be fooled into thinking that the truth will not come out eventually!!
You are feeling guilty about the deception and trickery you have done. Because of what you have done, your H came clean. I am sure it would have been awhile (or never) for him to confess to what went on over seas.
I think you do need to come clean. Living with lies is going to wear on your health, both physically and emotionally. I am not judging you, I have been there and the feelings of desperation are overwhelming.
If your H and you are reworking/rebuilding your M, you should do so with a clean slate...this is just my opinion but one thing I learned being on these boards is that snooping and obtaining information through deceptive means only hurts us in the end.
I know you did what you did to save your marriage...and you can't beat yourself up over that. We all make mistakes, but forgiving and admitting to them makes you a strong, brave person!
Make sure there isn't a key logger on your computer, installed by your H.
I don't know if what you did was right, but I sure can understand. You were fighting for your family, and 25 year M. I wonder if I would've done the same, if I had thought of it. I did snoop, which is how I found out about my H's EA, but I did tell him everything.
Not sure what you should do right now, but before blabbing it all out .... just think about it, and what you're going to say, and be prepared to lose the M. I wonder if your H would've kept the secret of the OW, if you hadn't found out.
Anyway, don't beat yourself up too much. You did what you thought you had to do, and it seems to have worked ... for the time being. Now, you just got to figure how to come clean, I guess, or how to let it go, and live with the secret without it eating you up inside. Only you can say, really.
Take care.
My husband says he is sure he would have never willingly told me. He says whatever happened, it would have died with him on his death bed. He says he hates the thought that he was not the person I thought he was.
I don't know if he would have left me or not if I hadn't broke them up. I do know that if he did, he would have kept her a secret until he got home from Afghanistan. And then act like it was someone he either just met, or act like he met her there, just happened to later get divorced, and thought he would give her a call. This is the story he would have given his mom, aunts, etc. I guess he wouldn't have given it to me because if he divorced me, we definitely wouldn't have a whole lot of reason to talk. One day he might realize that for her to come to the US and get married, she would have had to apply for a Fiance Visa while she was still making googoo eyes at him. And it really isn't that easy to get another type of Visa if your are from that country. There is a good chance she wouldn't have been able to visit unless he was divorced and willing to marry her. I guess he would be making trips down there.
Reading all this crap is like I am living someone else's life. My life had never been soap opera like. I had a crush on the same guy from 1st grade to graduation. And I never told a single soul until just now. Hey maybe I can keep my secret.
I just don't see the point of doing all that you did if you are going to tattle on yourself later. I know it must have been great fun, and made you feel powerful. And now it is over, and there is no more excitement. That must be a letdown. Considering the distance, it is not likely that he will find out that she got emails that he didn't send. Despite all that you do know about his affair, my bet is that he is still not telling you everything either.
IMO all is fair in love and war.
I wonder how many OMs or OWs feel that way too?
My guess is that all of them feel that way. That is what got them in the situation.
Sometimes you just have to put the past behind you. You need to fogive him for his failings. And you need to forgive yourself for your failings. And then you just leave the baggage behind. I don't believe that telling each other your secrets will improve your relationship. I think if you can concoct a scaled down version of your wrongdoing, and admit to that, get forgiven and move on, that is for the best.
Garbage is garbage. Don't drag it around with you, and don't go sifting through it looking for hidden meanings. Get rid of it. If you need to go confess to a priest, then do that. But confessing to your husband will not help you or him in any way.
This is a VERY good post. I did not go as far as you did, but I did something similar so I can really understand you on this.
What keeps going through my mind right now is one of the last scenes from the movie Private Ryan, where Tom Hanks character tells Private Ryan to "EARN THIS".
Granted the ends may not justify the means, BUT it is done now... I think what you need to do is RUN don't walk to a good counselor and begin working on yourself.
I am not saying that someday you won't tell your H the truth about it. Personally I do not see what purpose it would serve right now, BUT someday you might get to where you could tell him.
I am sorry I seem to be rambling, I am having a little trouble getting my thoughts together and the fact that posts can no longer be edited is freaking me out a little bit.
Seriously though the best thing you can do now is work on you.
It's really surprising to me how many people on getting on this thread and basically telling you "don't worry about" the deception you pulled.
My guess is that if any of them found out that their WAS had done something even close to similar to them in terms of deception, they would have gone nuts.
Funny how it's ok for US to do something backhanded, sneaky, and inappropriate, but it's not for THEM.
Interesting.
Bill
Wow.
Worstday, I have to hand it to you. My situation is quite similar to yours (military H, deployments/TDYs, affair, ow of different nationality). I personally don't think you should worry too much about what you did with those emails. I sit here reading this and wished I had been as resourceful. You were trying to save your marriage. You were trying to end your HUSBAND's affair. He was already where he shouldn't be, and possibly putting you at risk, health-wise. What if he had been sent on a TDY to that same location? Maybe this fling would have become something more. You don't know, so you acted.
I definitely think you and he need to try to break down the communication barriers and talk about what you both feel is missing. Believe me, I know how hard it is to be you---the wife at home, trying to hold it all together while he is sent here, there, and everywhere on dangerous/exciting missions; some rougher than others. He's away from you, he's exposed to things many people never get to experience, and like you said, a lot of his friends with him on these deployments are doing the very same thing. Doesn't make it right, but it makes it easier to cross that line.
I'm not excusing him at all; just saying that this lifestyle isn't the best as far as keeping a marriage healthy and intact. It is highly possible the affair would have just ended because they do not see each other often enough to keep it going, and had you not been dabbling on the computer, you never would have found out.
If your H is trying to rebuild trust with you, I don't think he should mind if you know how to check each other's email accounts, etc. It's going to take some hard work from here.
If you are at all worried about the future of your marriage and you think he might do this again, I'm going to advise you to do something unpopular but smart: print out those emails from your H to his ow and keep them in a very safe place. They are evidence of adultery and you might need them someday. Sorry to have to say this to you, but any lawyer would also tell you to do it.
I hope you NEVER need them.
Good luck to you and keep posting. I know you feel guilty for what you did, but I honestly think you did a good thing: you broke up an affair, something that shouldn't have been happening in the first place.
We are now in our late 40's. We both decided that we didn't want to have children, so there won't be any grandchildren running around. I think now that that makes it even scarier for me. It kills me to think of having to be alone without him. I can't even imagine it.
I know. I don't have children, either. It is very scary and sad, but you are still with him right now, and are not alone. Focus on that. He has felt shame and guilt already--he should! This is a good thing. Perhaps it's a major wake-up call that needed to be had in order for him to realize he almost caused himself to lose the best thing in his life---you.
By the way, about the weight loss, it's normal. Most of us here dropped down to very frightening sizes. You will need some time to become stable from all of this; stress causes our bodies to go haywire for a while. Just try to eat/sleep and rest when possible. It gets better.
It is unfortunate that you were ever put in this position to begin with. My best to you.
I have made several copies of everything. One is in my locker at work on a CD, one is on a zip drive hidden inside the couch. I have them password protected, and have changed the file extensions to nonsense letters. If I want to look at them, I have to change the extension back to the right letters. Otherwise the computer doesn't know what to open them with. I have no idea how I knew to do this. I think I should be CIA.
My husband is really so self-involved in his own thoughts right now, I don't think it has occured to him how much he was spied on. I did go to him one night and told him that I changed his settings to remember history on the browser and told him I was sorry and felt guilty. He said considering his actions, he didn't think it was unreasonable of me. So he thinks I spied, felt guilty, and admitted it. He is right, he just has no idea of the extent.
I have copies of emails from Feb to May. None though on what was said from October to Feb.
There is nothing more deflating than reading emails from your own husband telling some woman what he would like to do to her. Some of hers were funny in a way. With English not being her language, her sexy emails talking about his "cak" were funny in a twisted way. I cried and laughed.
I know how you feel. I once found a typed letter from my H to ow and he talked of how much he wanted to be with her.
I'm glad you were smart enough to copy things. It's awful having to do this, but unfortunately until things are on more stable ground, it is wise. You just never know.
I have no idea how you knew how to do what you did, either, but it's remarkable.
What is your H doing now in order to show you it's truly over with this woman and that he wants to work things out?
Frankly, I am just grateful that he is finally in the "here and now". For the last six months it was like he was here, but not mentally.
Now he is participating in our lives. He still isn't "all the way home" mentally, but I can tell he is more in tune with being here instead of wishing he were there. I am not going to push hard, I am just going to try to keep our home a fine place to be, and hopefully, he will remember that he does really want to be here. There is no doubt in my mind that he hadn't went down there planning on tearing us apart, he never hid finances or tried to start fights, and those things. He simply withdrew from how he used to be. It is still alittle stiff feeling between us but I can ask questions when I want and I feel he is giving me the best answer he can without feeling like I will be totally crushed. Since he doesn't know what I already know, I think he thinks he is being kind.