So much has happened since I was last here -- good and bad but mostly good. So good in fact that I am thinking of moving to piecing. This past weekend was the best time we have had together in over a year. We had some family events to attend, and spent a good amount of time getting each other drinks, making eye contact and talking. We even slept in the same bed for the first time in probably 10 months and ml for the first time in almost a year. It was nice, because we spent all night afterwards holding each other. The next morning I had to leave to go back to work abd W followed me outside and we talked, hugged, and she kissed me like she meant it. I did tell her that I loved her, and she looked kind of sad and shook her head just a bit like no you don't, or why do you. I didn't get the feeling like before.
I was afraid that she would be sorry that we ml, and that the next morning would be awkward - but it wasn't. A few days later we emailed about the housing sitch, and she suggetsed that while renting for me is bad, buying something might not be a good idea. She went on to say that she does not want to do this forever, and woould consider moving with me. That is a huge step...
I had my expectationms at zero when I went home and am trying very hard to keep them low. I do not want to go nuts with ily's or putting any kind of pressure on her to move too quickly.
Yeah thats good, hopefully you will be getting things back together for good.
DOA,
Reign it in.
Relish the moments you had.
GO VERY SLOW.
This is on of those moments you waited for. Don't overwhelm her.
She is going to evalute and re-evalute what happened. The good changes you made need to stick, do not allow yourself to go go back to your old ways.
And...
I am very happy for you.
Now, when you stop floating on cloud 9, keep your feet, head and heart on the ground.
Thanks! So far so good on the expectations meeter. Today we booked a trip for her to come visit me (without the kids) for next month. Amazing... I have been tempted to ask why the changes, but I know better.
There will come a time when you can ask those questions.
Once everything is solid.
There might come that time when the questions aren't as important as you believe them to be right now.
I am keeping my fingers crossed for you. I truly hope it works out. Good luck and keep posting.
Thanks everyone. You know Jack, I think I am there in terms of the questions not being important. It's not that I want to forget my role in what got us to where we were/may be... but through this I have grown and learned and am in a much better place. I have set my sights on a better and different future...
Work toward that.
Your first goal: be a better person.
Your second goal is: whatever you want as a that better person.
And you thought all this was hopeless at first. ; )
I did think it was hopeless! And I know that we are not out of the woods yet by any stretch, but at least we both seem to be looking for a path.
DOA,
Reign it in.
Relish the moments you had.
GO VERY SLOW.
This is on of those moments you waited for. Don't overwhelm her.
She is going to evalute and re-evalute what happened. The good changes you made need to stick, do not allow yourself to go go back to your old ways.
And...
I am very happy for you.
Now, when you stop floating on cloud 9, keep your feet, head and heart on the ground.
DOA -- congratulations!
Jack is giving you GREAT ADVICE! Follow it and you're a Piecer!
Hey doa-
I am happy that things are going so well for you. Hopefully you will find a way to pace yourself so you don't expect too much too soon. As in my sitch, sometimes things can go at a snails pace...so keeping those expectations at an absolute minimum is crutial.
Good luck and keep us posted.
<3
Upside
Yep take it slow...I know when my H starting his return it was hard not to want to jump back into the whole batch...but I could sense his fear...took it slow...
As for wanting to know things...even though you think you might be past that...when you are solid ground those things will come up for you...I think this is a natural course...when we feel safe we want to know...I have had most of my questions answered...a few remain even two years later...I am getting ready to put it all to rest...I figure I will know when the time is right to approach him...
Life can be wonderful again...build on a good foundation...create a bond of friendship...things will grow from there...
Take care...Lin
Thanks! I'm trying to think through when/if I put my wedding ring back on. My gut tells me not to mess things up right now, my heart tells me to put it back on when I see her again...
Hi doa-
Is your W wearing her ring? Maybe you should follow her lead. I will think about putting my ring back on if my H asks me to or if he starts to wear his again.
I am glad things are going well for you.
<3
Upside
Thnaks everybody!
W took hers off last summer and has not had it on since. I took mine off just a few months ago, and things started picking up for us since I did. I'm thinking letting her bring it up is best. She knows how I feel, and I just think if I show up with it on she will feel pressured.
We continue to march slowly forward. Getting some unsolicited communication from her, sharing more about her work, etc. Even had a 45 minute phone convo the other night. Probably haven't talked to her on the phone that long in 5 plus years.
Still fighting back the ily's, but am not doing too badly at it. We talked about when to put the house back on the market, and I said there is no need until we know more about what we might do long term. She has committments through early next year, and said it's not like we can sell the house in a month when that time approaches. In reality I think in my head I have moved from 0 expectations to very cautious optimism. I know that isn't good - but I can't help it...
If you can't help then you cannot help it.
:shrug:
Fight back the ILY's.
Let me tell you one of the best days I had was she said it to me after not hearing it for over a year.
I still smile when she says it. I still thank her.
Yeah, I know... Working on the ily's constantly. I can believe what you mean about hearing it back for the first time.
I am just so excited that she is comng to spend a weekend alone with me. I want to talk about it every day with her -- but I have not! You know that old saying, "He can't stand prosperity." I keep that in my head...
The man who does not steel his heart,
To evil fates and fair;
Is crumbled by prosperity,
Like unbaked earthenware.
That one?
Ummmm, just how excited are you about her coming? And just what are you expecting on her trip there?
I think mine is the Yogi Berra version of yours...
I am probably too excited. I expect that she will confess how truly sorrry she is that we've been apart, and that she never wants to leave my side. Not really...
I am expecting a nice weekend without the pressure of kids or family, where we can spend some time alone and begin to reconnect emotionally. After that I don't really know what to expect. Everything that has been happening lately has all been so unexpected, but in a great way. I haven't felt any backsliding in terms of our ability to connect since we ml, and I really thought that I would.
I know she is so tired and stressed with working and dealing wiht the kids on her own, that I just want to provide a chance for her to rest and enjoy herself -- without any R pressure from me.
Just a quick update. Things continue on a positive plane. Much better communication, more including more communication from her first. No more one word answers...
Doa,
Now is the time you WANT to rush in.
Keep reminding yourself to be slow and steady...methodical.
Fight against the "I want it all and I want it NOW!" culture we have been raised with.
Nuture and grow this.
And no expectations...just in case things go pear shaped.
Thanks for the continuing great advice. I'm really fighting a growing impatience, but i know I can do it.
Well if you can't fight it, you're going to find out why I'm suggesting not rushing in.
Had another really good weekend. Lots of family time, holding hands, cuddling in the mornings. Starting to think about spending some more time in piecing, just don't want to curse my recent luck...
Stay where you feel comfortable.
PS - I understand the fear of jinxing it.
5 days until W visits... I can't wait. I'm managing to stay cool.
Keep doing what you have proven works.
Tomorrow's the big day. W visiting for weekend without kids...
Well, we know where you won't be this weekend--right here-lol!!!
Hope it is a nice weekend for you.
Get a hammer.
Hit yourself on the thumb.
Realize that pain is nothing to the pain of getting your hopes up to high and having them dashed.
Enjoy the moments as each come in time.
Do not push or pressure. Otherwise, I'll tell you to get an anvil.
Enjoy your weekend together Doa.