I let my last thread peter out a while back. I haven't posted much here recently, but have been following several people's threads I find instructive.
I was making good progress DBing for a while, or at least I thought so. I had a sitch I know many here would kill for-- H still wanted to spend a lot of time w/me and ML (sex now fantastic-- we hadn't ML in a couple years prior to him leaving). But he continued to insist he wanted a D, which confused and upset me, even though I knew I shouldn't believe anything coming out of an MLCer's mouth. He was sick a lot and needed me to care for him, which I gladly did.
I finally got burned out and tried to go dark on him for a bit after he got to feeling a little better. He acted hurt and pissy, I lost my temper and had a major backslide (let him have it, accused him of purposely giving me false hope). I subsequently ended up in the hospital with chest pains (I'm okay!).
H now acts like nothing happened, which could be either good or bad. Initially he gets mad when I blow up (says I'm mean), then seems to forget about it.
Here's my quandary. I picked up a book the other day that outlines a 3 month program for getting over a broken heart. It has been through umpteen editions, and has genuinely seemed to work for a lot of people. The authors say the LBS' pain typically drags on for half the length of the R (I was M 25 years, so by their calculation I would be more or less miserable for another 12 1/2), and that some carry 10% or so of it around forever. The formula frequently quoted here for MLCers (maybe) coming out of their idiocy is 1 month for every year of the R (that would be another 25 months in my case, if I'm lucky).
The 3 month program is very anti-DB, unfortunately, but I'm wondering if I should try it anyway. The chest pain thing gave me a real scare. If H and I don't reconcile, I don't think I could take another 12 1/2 years of this!
Any thoughts on this would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
Andabelle
What is the 3-month program?
Darkness is helpful to me. It is much less painful to be around H.
A
Its probably useful and helpful to read about other programs
this DB takes time
no guarantees
the only thing is I think we need time
1. try to save our marriage..a year-2 so we have no regrets
2. probably it takes about that amount of time to really grieve and heal and make the changes we need to make this or another R work
so just my opinion and I dont really have any answers
I would keep the idea in my reach for that program and possibly try this one first for a time
get a little therapy and work on changing myself and healing
good luck
peace
B39 and PT,
Thanks for replying. It's early days for me yet, just 4 mos S, so I know I sound like a real quitter for considering throwing in the towel. But it's also not the first time H and I have been S (3rd time in 10 years), and as you can see from my ref to intimacy issues, the M has had its serious problems. I still love my H, though, and would like to give it another shot, but I don't want to make myself seriously ill in the process.
I thought I was doing pretty well detaching, but was really still having expectations (we'd been getting along great, so not altogether unreasonable). I am trying to go and stay relatively dark on H, but he doesn't seem to like it, and keeps trying to suck me back in. Often when we're together-- at his request!-- he tells me all he really wants is to be alone. But then he asks me out to dinner and/or over to his apt. like every 3rd night or so. Can't figure the guy out. I am trying to be a good sport, but I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I don't want to violate the no advertising rule here, but the book/program has to do with "Letting Go."
I should add I am already seeing a Psych and a C.
Thanks
A
The whole situation with a mlcer is very confusing
so we think we are doing well, getting along, talking better than in our m..the mlcer likes the new R, but they do not want to come back..we are devastated and confused more
this is the journey as far as I can see it
roller coaster ride and if we want them back , we have to wait it out 1-2 years and that is if its an easy one and still no guarantees
its a decision we all have to make and remake more than once
pray, you will make the right choice
and although My ride started 15 months ago and Ive been standing, my H still claims he is done with M
I dont think it was a waste of my time though as
ive grown and changed a great deal
peace
Thanks, Peace.
Your H still claims he wants D, but has not filed yet? I will catch up on your thread. So many Hs seem to put off D for such a long time... if they are sure that's what they want, why do they wait? Maybe given enough time, he'll come to his senses. I wish you (and all of us here, for that matter!) luck (and love).
I guess I was tempted by the quick fix-- must learn patience. I'm sure I would regret it forever if I did not do everything in my power to salvage my M. My H is certainly worth the effort. He is a good (if confused) man, not a vicious spewer like so many I've read about here. He's had his share of nasty moments over the years, but not recently-- lately he is just very sad, never mean.
He called this afternoon to ask me out to dinner-- Mr.-I-Vant-To-Be-Alone lasted a whole 2 days without seeing me. I went, although I probably shouldn't have. Had a good time, anyway-- at least I know he misses me, right?
I need to do better GALing, though. I shouldn't be available every time he calls.
I did join a writing group-- their next meeting is Saturday, and I have to produce something for the group to critique between now and then (I am dreading it). It's legitimate excuse for taking a couple nights off from H, anyway. I started ballroom dancing classes a while back, but with everybody in my family getting sick (myself and S as well as H), I haven't been able to go in over a month. I need to get back to it. I was studying for the GRE for a while, too-- got to get back to that as well. I am thinking about going back to school, but right now I just don't know where I'll get the energy. This D business sucks it all up.
((((((Andabelle))))))
Great to hear from you again! I'm so glad you're feeling better.
Eventhough your H is following through with D proceedings, it seems he still wants you to be part of his life. Obviously he's still depressed and so very confused. This waivering back and forth can last a long time.
It's a very positive sign that H keeps asking you out. Don't accept every invitation. Every once in a while tell him you have other plans and remain a little mysterious. It's really important you continue to GAL - the writing group sounds great and continuing the dance class would be wonderful. I'm also taking a dance class and it's great for my PMA.
In your last post you said you were going dark. How is that going?
Andabelle,
How are you doing? Please update us on your sitch.
AB, I too had that book about "Letting Go". It was too depressing to me though, so I gave it back to the library.
Thanks Addie and Dar-- I have been following both your threads-- you guys are really doing great!
I am pretty disgusted with myself right now (although more so with H). His health problems continue (he had a cystoscopy last Wed. because he'd been passing blood, and the doctor found and removed a tumor-- we're still waiting on the results, but the doc's pretty sure it's not cancer, knock on wood), and I have been looking after him (he stayed over Saturday) whene he's not felt well enough to be by himself.
I have tried repeatedly to go dark, but that just pissed him off, so I wasnever able to stick with it more than a week. I continued to sleep with him. Last night I finally emailed him (stupid, I know) asking what he wanted from me. He replied,
Friendship. Companionship. Help if I'm sick or need cancer treatment, etc.
I emailed back that those things are part of being married. Argument ensued.
I'm tired.
Dar,
You're right-- when I read the whole book, it WAS depressing. Get over the R by hating the X. Don't want to go there.
Andabelle,
It's really kind of you to look after him.
So, it pisses him off that you go dark and that matters why? He's the one that wants to "move on", as it suits him of course. I truly do get not wanting to make him so angry he runs and never looks back. Do you know that not making him angry will ultimately get you where you want to go? Not making any suggestions or judgements here, just want you to think about it.
You are right that friendship, compannionship and help when he's sick is part of a M. That he disagrees is fine. Don't argue with him. You said your piece when he escalates it into an agrument, just say you won't argue about it and then don't respond (or tell him you're going to hang up if you're on the phone).
I can onlyimagine how exhausting it all is for you.
HUGS
Hey Grace,
I think I have finally reached the point where I don't care if my going dark pisses him off or not. He would like to keep me on as his nurse and f-buddy indefinitely (his vision of our post-D relationship), but I just can't do it anymore. I need time to myself to think. I can't remember the last time i had a decent night's sleep.
I am really angry with him right now. He withheld affection from me for YEARS, but NOW that he wants to divorce me (is adamant about it), suddenly he becomes sweet and demonstrative (so long as I don't make any demands on him)-- he's finally the husband I always wanted, only now I can't have him, at least not on any terms I would find acceptable. I feel he is purposely teasing me (he denies it).
Dear Andabelle,
It's probably best that you are setting boundaries with H. It's difficult not to develop expectations when you are still maintaining a physical R. You have to proceed in a way that is acceptable for you. Going dark for a while may be something to try.
HUGS!!!!!
Thanks, Addie. Time for me to go pitch black, methinks.
Hi Andabelle.
Saw the name of your thread and had to stop by. The book of which you spoke earlier is one I browsed. Who knows if it is effective or not, or perhaps a better way of putting it is for whom is it effective. I wish I knew because then I would be the richest person on earth. But one thing I do know is that the title is very close on of the DB strategies, i.e. detach. I would say though that most books do have things that are worthy of a try and DB says when something isn't working, try something different.
Also, I saw you making mention of how much time. I remember reading one book which said for each 4 years of marriage, it takes 1 years to repair. For you that would be 6 years. The point is that no two situations are alike.
Going dark. If you need to do that for you. Do it. But in the long-run, the best thing to do is always to be the best you can be and everything else will fall into place no matter what happens.
IMP
Thanks for checking in, IMP.
Have been dark-ish on H for a week now (still have to interact w/him about S, but have kept communications brief and via email only), and am feeling MUCH better. Before I was pretty much allowing him to treat me like a doormat, now I'm starting to get a little of my self-respect back (not that I had much to begin with). At this point I don't much care what he does. I need this time and space to work on and heal myself.
Andabelle,
How is it going? Please give us an update - it's been a while.
Hey, Addie. Been staying away from H, but not been completely dark email-wise (no phone convos, though). I feel better staying away from him for now. I don't see any movement from him, and I change my mind several times a day re: whether or not to continue standing. Sick of this.
You're doing well, though! I know you are anxious about what will happen after you move back home. I wish I had your patience.
Andabelle,
The DB C urged me to give dark some time. You must give these things time to work, she said.
I thought I was dark for much longer than I really have been. I was dim but H was still in house. Now the boundaries are much more pronounced.
Tell him it's not healthy for you and back off?
I am really detaching now, but it has only been a couple of weeks where it's been this pronounced.
PS...you can be dark and friendly.
You can be dark and seductive, too. =)
Thanks, Breton. I am probably communicating via email w/him way too much still, but its impossible to go completely NC since we have to coordinate stuff around our S. The no getting together thing has definitely been good for me-- seeing him all the time was like constantly reopening a wound. I could not detach.
I might already be seeing some results (even though I just said in my last post I wasn't seeing any movement from him). This morning he sent me an email saying he hopes I don't hate him, that he knows this is a mess, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love and appreciate me. This is the first ILY I've gotten from him since we S!
Thanks for stopping by-- yours is one of the threads here I consistently follow, Breton. You give good DB.
It's hard to go completely dark when there are children involved. You must do what is best for you.
I change my mind several times a day re: whether or not to continue standing. Sick of this.
Andabelle, I do the same. This is so difficult!!! Although my H "is back", I question on a day to day basis whether I want to continue in the M. Like you, I'm sick of all this nonsense!!!
Hey Addie!
Until yesterday I hadn’t seen H in the flesh in over 3 weeks. After he sent that email saying he still loved and appreciated me, I asked him (bad DB, I know) when he intended to file for D, and he answered not now or in the immediate future.
Yesterday morning he emailed me asking if I could meet him at his apt. As we hadn't seen one another in 3+ weeks, I thought there must have been some sort of emergency, or he wanted to have an R talk. Turned out he just wanted to jump my bones. I went along with it, and am not going to beat myself up too much. I acted like it was no big deal, didn’t try to initiate any R talk.
Yesterday afternoon he had a HUGE fight with his boss (via email since boss is traveling). Afterward H resigned the assistant directorship of his boss' center and the associate deanship that went along with it (but will continue as director of a subordinate center, and be reporting to same boss-- not good). H informed me about it this morning when he came by the house to wait for Rotorooter for me. I told him I’m the only one in his corner right now. He said he knows it.
Just wanted to run this by someone. Thanks for checking in.
And he knows that you are the only one standing by him!!!
Great news - he told you he doesn't intend on filing for D in the immediate future. Quite a drastic change from a few months ago when he told you he was filing right away. Keep doing what you are doing, it's working.
HUGS!!!
Thanks, Addie.
Well, H and his boss made up, fortunately. I am feeling pretty low today, though. H is way more invested in a professional relationship with a drunken [censored] than in our 25-year marriage. I don’t believe he is concerned about losing me at all (probably because I let him cake-eat again).
Bleh.
Sorry I let the expletive slip.
Andabelle,
Thanks for posting on my thread. I appreciate your support. How are you doing? It's been such a long time since you've posted here. I often think about you.
Loved your comment on the other thread about them seeing us through sh*t colored glasses!
Ellie