This might be the last thread I have here.
I debated on posting about this, but I felt I wanted to come full circle since I have been posting here for over two years.
I saw H about 2 weeks ago. He came up to get puppy and take him back to where he lives, about 5 hours away. It was a rough day.
He looks good. Great. He has a nice, new SUV, was dressed casually but put together, at a healthy weight, happy, smiling, no depression anywhere on his face or in his eyes. He looks like the old H before he got sick with this mind-warping disease.
He cordially hugged me as he came in. Puppy jumped all over him and H was so happy to see him. I know they have missed each other. He sat down and we started to talk; he asked about my job, my family, small talk stuff. He began to talk about work and some of the more heroic calls he's had of late. While talking, his cell beeped two different times, and as much as I didn't want to point it out, I eventually said if he needed to get that, he should. He said, "No. It's ok. I'm having a conversation with you." Well, let me point out that my gut told me it was his new girlfriend trying to get ahold of him and so I again said maybe he should pick up. To which he said, "Well, this might be important." and he called her back, right in front of me. I sat there like a Stepford wife and didn't move as he had a conversation with this woman. I heard her pick up, "Hey, how's it goin'?" and could hear her voice. She is not the original ow that my H had an affair with, that much I am sure of. Anyway, he asked her a few general questions, laughed about puppy with her and said he needed to "wrap this up and he'd call on the drive back."
I sat very still, and then told him calmly that he needed to go. He was all, "Why? What's the problem?" with me. I told him it was obvious that this woman had a problem with where he was, he'd only been at my apartment for 20 min. and his cell had beeped twice. He assured me that it had nothing to do with where he was and that it was actually an important call; he'd asked her to call him about something.
Naturally, this opened the can of worms I didn't want to open, and we began talking about all of this. To sum up the particulars, yes, he's in a new relationship with this woman; she is divorced, no kids, and his family is aware of her. He has not told her what happened to our marriage, what he did. He says he takes full blame but explains that he worked too much and he messed things up with me. Is not telling your new gf that you had an affair on your wife lying?
He wants to move on. He said he spent all of last year punishing himself for what he had done, and he had given things a ton of thought about working this out with me, but in the end, he just couldn't do it. He said it was totally unhealthy, and I didn't even know if I would be able to get past it. I told him I was never given the chance. He said I was much better off without him; I deserve someone better than him. I told him if he really felt so low about himself, I didn't think he'd be out dating another woman. He had no answer.
He will always have feelings for me and he does miss things about us, but he believes in reality (his words) and he's moving on. There's no way to work it out. He said he cannot move in with me just to make ME happy.
We took puppy for a walk together and I was very aware that this would probably be the last time we would ever look like a couple to the outside world. Someone stopped us to say how cute our dog was. I'm sure that man had no idea what was really going on with us.
He has his new home, which he is busy working on. He still overworks himself between his two jobs. And now he has a new relationship. He said he just wants to have a normal relationship with someone. In talking about the divorce, there are financial reasons why right now it is better to remain legally separated, but it has nothing to do with him being unsure about our situation. I know he would have filed now if that weren't the case.
He didn't stay more than 2 hours. When he left, of course I was crying saying goodbye to puppy. I asked H what he wanted to do; how were we really leaving this? He looked at me on his way out, quickly hugged me a little and said, "I just can't. I'm sorry." They left.
He called me 10 min. later to ask me if I was all right. I said no. He said, "I'm sure you're not." He wanted to bring puppy back, and I said no; that I understood last year that this was the arrangement, etc. He told me that I could see puppy anytime I wanted; he would bring him back for visits.
Deep inside I know that isn't good for me. To see puppy means to see H. And it is like pressing a reset button inside my soul everytime I have to interact with him.
I have since emailed him a long letter about my feelings. He got it but never wrote back at all. It is very hard to see him so put together now, moving on, straightening out his life, but not wanting to include me in it ever again.
I tried; I really did.
Dear Hope, my heart goes out to you. You did try. Sorry sweetie but this man is NOT OK. Not your problem, but until he actually faces up to what he has done he wil always live an emotional 'half life'. No consolation to you, because you are a wonderful, loving and courageous woman, who deserves much better.
For what it is worth, he is trying IMO to recreate what he had with you, and at some point it will all come crashing down him, but for now you have the pain of day to day living.
I am so sorry. Hugs, A
Hope,
You're still trying.
Whatever you decide, you have not failed. You're an amazing bright, smart caring woman that any man should be grateful to have in their life.
He is a coward. He is afraid of the past.
Sometimes cowards find their backbones. And you want that, you deserve better than a coward.
Thank you. You made me cry, but in a nice way.
Angelica,
He looks and acts just great. And I do hear what he's saying, which is basically how sorry he is, he made a mistake and has regrets, but he cannot undo this and erase it from happening, so there is no fixing it. It isn't that I agree; it's that some people do feel this is the bottom line. He moved literally 5 min. from where we had our house. That hurts. He's back in the neighborhood and now making new memories with this new gf. And you know what? He seemed pretty happy about it when he was here. He smiles now.
Jack, you are exactly right. He is afraid of the past. He can't be around me because it bothers him so much. He doesn't call or text anymore the way he used to last year. It's his way of moving on and not dwelling on what he did. We don't live near each other. We don't have children. It's very easy for him to start Part 2 of his life.
dear hope...i am sorry. I think one of the hardest parts of all of this is we know we would work on it..but if they dont want to it is futile..and I know how hard it is. I am so so so very sorry for your pain.
Thanks cagz...I would have worked hard to restore things, but you cannot make a marriage with one person's strength. It takes two and my H isn't going to come around.
I try to be "over" him as much as I possibly can, but it still hurts and lingers in my thoughts. I don't think you ever fully get over it.
((( hope )))
You are so special to me. You know that. I love you so dearly. I'm so sorry this hurts so much - and we all understand that feeling.
I won't dispute that he looked good and is making efforts to move on with his life. But, I will say this. To me, after hitting such a low point and destroying nearly everything you had, would warrant more closure to the past that he's given. Sure, sitting for a year and thinking about it, suffering through it, is one thing. But, real healing and moving forward, to me, would mean seeking out those things you destroyed in the past and facing them. Especially if the both of you have a good enough relationship that you can do that. You have given him every opportunity, every signal, and made it so comfortable, yet he still feels too badly about his past to face it. Sure, that's guilt, but it's also not the answer to moving forward.
Also, my BIGGEST block with his moving forward is also what he's doing to someone else. To not tell someone you are involved with, for a few months now, the clear truth about your past IS LYING. There was much more than the affair, and to throw it all under the rug is LYING.
It's one of those things that at this age and time in your life, you get out in the open. Sure, no one wants to do it, and it's hard, and it might scare someone off, but YOU DO IT. If not right away, then at least a month or two into it. Surely they talk about past relationships. Surely his family sees her and says nothing of his destruction. This is so awful. FOR HER.
Imagine dating someone for months, and then somehow you find out that he had an affair, left the house, acted awful and weird, lost a house, went through depression, and all this time he (and his family) led you to believe (and TOLD you) that it was just that he "worked too hard"....
I may be making a big deal out of this, but it's wrong. He is removing this new woman's RIGHT to the truth, and her RIGHT to make decisions about her life accordingly. Then, he is also lying about the pain and time you went through.
But, you know what?
It's not your life. These are not your choices. All I know is that I'm glad this isn't the way YOU choose to move forward.
He may choose to get a spine, or maybe not. Maybe not everyone does, but pretends to instead, by smashing their new sqaure life into the round hole of the future. Then, they wonder why things explode later and come back to the SAME issues.
But, you have the choice on how YOU will lead YOUR life moving forward. It's hard, but face this....right now, or maybe forever, he cannot be the man that you keep wishing him to be. His saying "sorry, I can't" is literally him saying this to you. He may have moved on and looks good, and he may be really happy. But, it's STILL not the man YOU want.
And, we all know, you do deserve so much better.
Hope,
Well, if he is in a new R, he's probably in the exciting new stage. That phase will wear off too, you know...and then what? The reality of day to day living is not fun.
But you need to drop the rope entirely. That's what I am doing now. When H says D, just agree. Be independent. Do not talk about how he has hurt you any more.
I find it interesting that he still wants LS instead of D. Even for financial reasons.....
I may be making a big deal out of this, but it's wrong. He is removing this new woman's RIGHT to the truth, and her RIGHT to make decisions about her life accordingly. Then, he is also lying about the pain and time you went through.
Yes. How little he must care for her. It is obvious, still that the only person he cares for is himself.
He may choose to get a spine, or maybe not. Maybe not everyone does, but pretends to instead, by smashing their new sqaure life into the round hole of the future. Then, they wonder why things explode later and come back to the SAME issues.
Exactly, he will be back with the same issues, in no time. He has not rolled up his sleeves, and put his nose to the ground, and started the work on himself. He has not looked deep down inside, and see all that scary stuff, that is deep inside, him that creates the muck.
Change of geography, change of clothes, change of homes, change of who he is dating. None of it will work. He is not being true to her, he is not being true to himself.
This is a man that skims off the top to survive.
You on the other hand, my gosh, have come such a long way. You have done the deep down dirty work, and still are doing it. You are a work in progress, and you will never stop. You will never stop bettering yourself.
That speaks volumes of you, and who you have become thru this process.
How can you be in an R with him. It will be totally lopsided. He does not have what it takes to reach you.
And you my dear friend, should never settle. Oh, how we have talked about this. If these guys really knew how deep they cut.
How their words, are so hard and go right for the heart, with no detour.
But as they say, what doesn't kill us....................
SMile my lovey. You can go to sleep at night, with a clear mind.
You can say you tried your absolute best, at everything that came up.
Your spirit is free.
I love you.
always, love you too. I will call you later.
breton, lol...my rope's been dropped a long time.
No worries there. I'm an old pro now. It took me a while, but eventually you just fall into place with all of this. I don't DB or follow that kind of thing anymore. If I feel like telling him something, I tell him, or email him, whatever. No tiptoeing around my feelings. My situation's long past "stages" etc. This is what the aftermath looks like. This is when some H's come back wanting to reconcile. Mine did not. I post about it so that others can see, they don't always come back when they come out of the crisis.
You are right, though about the new R stage. I don't think about it too much, as it's happening so far away from me now that I can't let it be a problem in my life. Always is right; he is being dishonest by keeping silent, but then again I can't see my H ever telling any woman that he meets how he lost his mind for 2+ years, had an affair, a personality crisis and destroyed his life. Would that make him attractive for dating? I think not. That explains why he remains silent and pretends like that never happened at all.
He didn't actually say he wanted to keep things as a LS, but in that status he can still claim me as a dependent and in one of his jobs he collects more money per paycheck that way; this is helping him afford support for me right now. That's all it is; it isn't because he has unsure feelings.
Claim you as a dependent???
I hope you have checked w/L on some of this...frankly that just does not sound right to me.
Lissie, love you too. How are you, by the way? You are on my mind.
This is a man that skims off the top to survive.
No better description has been said about my H. You are entirely right about this, and you never got to meet him.
I wouldn't settle. Not now. I know he isn't what I deserve. I have started praying hard that God take away the hurt and other feelings I still have lingering about. I want to wake up one morning and not long for what can never be.
Claim you as a dependent???
I hope you have checked w/L on some of this...frankly that just does not sound right to me.
It's totally fine, and in our agreement.
hope
I knocked om my Neighbors door a few weeks ago
her D was to watch my kids that night
I told her I was S so H would drop kids home
she said she was S too
I was really surprized, so I asked what happened
she said all the usual things like we have all heard- the talk Ive been unhappy for 19 years and he just left..out of state
he is around 60- shes much younger
so I told her about MLC, and this site, the book ect.
she said she was his MLC and hes only allowed one
case closed
peace
Wow, peace.
So he couldn't work it out with the woman he took up with during his crisis? What a sad life that man has led! Nothing against your friend; I feel sorry for her (hopefully she wasn't a willing ow cheating with him).
There are a lot of damaged souls walking about.
Hope
I didnt ask her many details about their R or how it started
I just assumed from her comment: she was his MLC..
I dont know her well
she does look very torn and he is gone
He left another family and D16
so He was a case of one mlcer who will continue his run or probably will find another R thinking that will fix him
It is very sad
I know exactly how you feel and when I see H getting back in shape and appearing to come too even a little I get scared b/c I dont know what he is thinking or if I will be apart of his life when he does get it together
peace
Just because he looks happy, does not mean he actually is....
I did ask him if he was happy now. He said, "I'm not happy yet, but I am trying and I hope I can be."
((((((((Hugs to you Hope))))))))
You have really given it your all. Now is the time for you Hope!!! You are a strong and special person and will heal. It will take time but look at all that you have accomplished.
You are in my prayers
Y
Change of geography, change of clothes, change of homes, change of who he is dating. None of it will work. He is not being true to her, he is not being true to himself.
This is a man that skims off the top to survive.
This is so true. They makesuperficial changes thinking that they are really and that indoing so they have changed their lives. Not so.
And skimming the top to survive...no truer words to describe many a MLCer.
Hope, you have done everything, EVERYTHING and you can rest soundly at night knowing that. Your H is not the man you want or need him to be in order to make a R work. You deserve someone as wonderful and caring as you.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Shades
It's tough though, because I see him now wanting to make a R with the new gf work, so I wonder what the difference really is; her or me.
Hope, Lissie, Always, and others said it better. He won't make it work with a new gf. He hasn't dealt with the past. His old demons will re-emerge. He is lying as Always said, he is skimming off the top, as Lissie said. If you aren't prepared to work on a relationshp that was good, how can you know how to work on one that is new. He doesn't have the tool kit
It is sad, but the person he is really damaging, apart from the new gf, is himself now. He may look good, he hopes for happiness. Oh Goody for him.
Hope,
I agree with them all.........everyone's thots. You go ahead and heal. Your H will have it all happen again one day.
Having lived with it in my own life.........my H is an escaper too.......and in hindsite..........I was the greener grass......that didn't turn out being green at all.
so it goes........
you are stronger all the time..........
you will heal.........
I feel badly for his new gf...........she's getting a raw deal and doesn't know it yet.
hugs and love and prayers to you,
frankly..........my biggest hurt would be the loss of the dog........now that would have ripped my heart apart!
brue
the difference is HIM, he isnt' that good man you married, this new one doesn't know a good thing when he sees one.
Yes, he's putting all the unresolved issues under the rug and trying a new R, which will be fine for a while (aren't all relatively new Rs fine for a while?) but real life will kick in, and the old stuff will be back like a monkey on his back.
((((hope)))),
Oh sweetie I'm so sorry, this just sounds like an excruciatingly painful couple of hours, and I hate it that you had to experience it.
I hope you are slowly hour by hour starting to feel better. YOu have such good messages from everyone...angelica, jack, lissie, always and the rest, but just in case you missed the point, I wanted to say this one more time:
It is very hard to see him so put together now, moving on, straightening out his life, but not wanting to include me in it ever again.
HOpe he is not "so put together", not at all, not one bit. People who are put together do not start new Rs with lies. People who are put together do not sit all by themselves, alledgedly punishing themselves, and then arrogantly decide to end a two-party R without inviting the other person's input.
He is not together, he is still in a selfish, stewing, MLC mess. JMO, LOL!!!!!
Really I am just so proud of you that you didn't lose it completely and pull out his hair...sitting there spouting that claptrap to your face! YOu win the award for self-control, sweetie.
Something really good is just around the turn for you, I know it. In the meantime, smooches and hugs.
AH
Hope,
He isn't put together, or straightening his life out. He is fragmented and lying. He may seem to be moving forward but he is surely hauling a MAJOR load around with him. Yeah, he has it locked away deep inside himself for now. But in time it will all come bursting out again. He can't stop it because he didn't deal with it the first time.
I know it hurts that he wants his new R work. But no matter how much he may WANT it to work, he's doing the WORK to make it work. He is riding on the euphoria of a new R. In the early stages a new R always seems great and we always want and believe it will work. He's started this one on lies. Even if he didn't outright LIE to her, by omitting the truth he has. When she finds out the truth she will be hurt. Unless of course she is a heartless coniving ow type who doesn't care. And if that is the case, well, they're both making a mistake.
Anyway, after all of my rambling, he might APPEAR to have it all together and happily moving on. But we all know appearances can be deceiving.
Many hugs to you sweets!
Love, Shades
(((hope))).
Just checking in to see if you are okay.
Hugs,
AH
Hi. So sweet of you to check on me. I'm ok. I recently found out that I have to have an operation in a few weeks. I should be fine, but it's just something I need to take care of.
I shouldn't have, but I emailed H about this. He never wrote back at all. I felt pretty down about it, but Lissie reminded me that he just doesn't want to be responsible for my feelings.
Anyway, he did text me today to ask what I was having done (um, I told him in the email). He just responded, "oh, ok." He didn't even call me to talk to me about it; just texted that.
I really shouldn't have even shared any of this with him.
It's kind of scary; I've never had surgery like this before. My mom is going to come stay a night or two at my apt. with me so I'm not alone. I feel like a charity case. I have no one to help me when I am sick.
I'm so glad you have your mom to stay with you. Even in "routine" surgery it is really, really nice to have someone there.
Lissie is a smart cookie...he doesn't want to be responsibility for your feelings and he must be absolutely eaten up with his own guilt. Too bad for him, he could change that if he wanted to.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs again,
AH
Thank you, AH.
I really appreciate the thoughts and prayers right now.
I hope you are doing ok, too. It's nice to keep in touch, even after the "aftermath" of all of this, you know?
((((((((Hope))))))))
Just sending happy thoughts and prayers
I hope your surgery goes well.
Now its time to say goodbye
Thanks for the well wishes; it's in a couple of weeks.
H did email me yesterday about it. He apologized for not being in touch sooner and said he'd been very busy with work. His standard line. He wanted to know when it would be, and I told him, but I don't expect anything from him.
Hope, sorry about the surgery: and it is good that your mom is coming. It doesn't make you a charity case, you know.
Of course you should have told your h - he was a major part of your life for the longest time. If he were to have surgery you would be terribly hurt not to know.
Don't let their corruption of normal behaviour blind us to what is normal. I think he needed to know, you had a right to tell him, and it is good that you did.
What he does with the information is up to him.
Take care, Hope, you are very special
hope,
He wanted to know when it would be, and I told him, but I don't expect anything from him.
Well, IMO you are wise to not expect anything. That said, I won't be surprised if you do hear from him. Underneath all the pain and confusion, it certainly seems like he loves you in a very real way.
I hope you are having a diverting weekend!
AH
Goodmorning Sweetie!
I am glad he at least emailed. Who knows what these guys are thinking. In my next life I am gonna come back a guy. Then in my next life after that, I am going to come back a woman, and tell the women, all the secrets.
Luv u
Hope,
Best wishes on the surgery - hope it's as routine as you suggest.
Sorry that your husband still has not found the balls to admit that he screwed up his life when he left you.
Most of all, I'm sorry to hear that a person with all your obvious gifts and talents is still bound by wondering what's wrong with you. Really Hope, comparing yourself to the latest girlfriend, while perhaps natural, is the proverbial cheeseless tunnel.
After all this time, it's time to replace the wedge of your life that was always occupied with your husband, with something else. Something that will be good for Hope. Something that will make her feel good about herself.
I just spent the better part of this weekend watching my ex parade her "soulmate" around our old friends at two of my sons baseball games. It's actually sad to see how hard they try to recapture parts of their life that they've already trash canned because of their behavior.
I don't buy into the too often repeated mantra that "this relationship won't work either." We simply don't know that. What we do know is that he's still broken so at the very least his new love interest is getting damaged goods. But perhaps that's what we had too, eh?
The important thing here is that there is an awful lot of good life yet to be lived, and WE have the choice as to whether we will spend that time with one eye looking backward all the time, or commit ourselves to embracing all that life has in store for us.
There's nothing to be lost by commiting fully to finding joy for the rest of your life.
Blessings,
Bill
I agree with you, Bill. I'm making a lot of forward movement, a lot of it I don't post about all that much. But suffice it to say, I keep very active and busy, I like my job, have made new friends and have a very positive life.
The residual feelings I have for H are about as minute as I feel they will ever be. In other words, I don't entirely expect them to fully disappear. That's what I am trying to live with now.
Sorry that your husband still has not found the balls to admit that he screwed up his life when he left you.
On the contrary. He has repeatedly admitted he screwed things up and wishes now he had never left. That isn't the problem. He just adamantly feels it's irrepairable, so he's moving forward.
I guess what I meant to say Hope is this...
Sorry your husband still hasn't found the balls to admit he was wrong, AND MAKE RIGHT all that he screwed up.
Blessings,
Bill
((( hope )))
Sweetie, I am so sorry about this new turn of events. But, I hopt it's part of a new chapter in life - healthier in every way.
I'm glad your mother is there. And, you're NOT a charity case - your mother would come to be with you for this no matter where you were. That's family - you're never alone with them in your life.
You told H because it was what you needed to do - don't regret it. If anything, it gives you ANOTHER opportunity to see for yourself how self-absorbed he is. Don't let it make you feel badly, let it make you realize, again, how he just isn't the man you need in your life.
I know it's natural to feel that maybe he's suddenly this wonderful person for someone else - the man you wanted him to become. There are a few points with this.....
First, simply "popping out of the MLC tunnel" doesn't mean he's what you've been expecting. You've changed, too. You need more in terms of compatibility, especially after a rough time. So, he may be out, but without a lot of work, he's still not what you wanted, or expected, or what you need.
Second....I'll admit that (thankfully) I have never been through such a hellish life crisis where I destroyed everything and hurt so many so deeply. I hope I never do. So, I don't know what it feels like to come out of that. But, I can make a basic, and probably accurate, guess that "popping out of the tunnel" requires a LOT of soul-searching, analysis of causal factors, therapy, prayer, and honesty. A real life turn, a real coming to reality and facing everything. Really staying on track to what really happened, and making amends of some sort - even if it doesn't involve reconciliation.
In short, it doesn't involve a handful of emails, and then an attempt to sweep everything under the rug as you lie to a new person to "move forward." When you meet people who went through something like this, they are open about the transformation in their lives, it's a part of them.
If not, it just keeps coming back. It's bound to...how can it not?
My love to you.
Hope, I am just catching up so sorry if I am quoting something from a few days ago.
It's kind of scary; I've never had surgery like this before. My mom is going to come stay a night or two at my apt. with me so I'm not alone. I feel like a charity case. I have no one to help me when I am sick.
My parent's were also the ones who helped me out when I had surgery so I know how you feel when you say you feel like a charity case.
BUT they help us out because they want to and love us and want to be there for us. Just take it and embrace it. I hope your surgery goes well.
Also, I agree with Lissie, he doesn't want to be responsible for your feelings. They don't even like to be responsible for their own!
Hi Hope,as a mum of 3(grown ups) your statement that
"My mom is going to come stay a night or two at my apt. with me so I'm not alone. I feel like a charity case."
made me feel really sad.
I am sure your mum like me likes nothing better than to feel needed and useful. Now my children have gone and I am alone I so need to feel useful and needed. Not that I wish them any accidents were they need me to go, it gives me great pleasure to be asked to help out when I visit-usually its the mountain of ironing or just cleaning through.
So enjoy your mum coming to help cos I bet she will love helping you out.
I hope the op goes well.
Thanks to all. Naej, your message made me realize I should just let Mom take care of me (I'm going to need her to!) and not feel like I'm putting her or anyone out.
I have always been very independent and can do a lot by myself. Not this time, but thankfully I am not 5 hours away from family and trying to get through this alone, or with crazy H around.
It's going to be a couple more weeks before I have it done. I just hope it goes well with no complications. I sure don't need any more complications (lol).
prayers for your surgery love, and milk mom's love for all it's worth! anytime I have my mom over from my country I have her cook my fav meals and it's so nice to have someone worried that I'll catch a cold without my coat, lol
Hope
Sorry your H is so lost, but it is not because you steered him the wrong way. He just chose to sit in the driver's seat backwards. Sometimes they just do. It makes the road ahead less scary since he only sees where he's been, not where he's going. His poor new GF. She has a golden opportunity right now to see him how he has become, too unwilling to mend his fences. Yet she has put blinders on and prefers to believe she won't be the next victim. He is who he is. He did not get that way overnight.
This is something that grew in him for years and found its way out. He won't know how to put the genie back in the bottle. When he slips and does her wrong, he likely find himself to be a creature of habit as he slinks away once again, tail between his legs. I hope that in time you will determine it is best he not be relieving himself on your rug any longer.
Look at your mom coming to help as the blessing that it is, you have a loving supportive family, no matter how far away they are. Think how many no longer have that. Let your mom show you her love the best way she can, by being there. She wouldn't have it any other way. When the roles are reversed, you will surely choose to return the favor.
(((Hope)))
Hi Hope,
I am so sorry that your sitch did not turn out the way you wanted. I can imagine how much you are hurting.
Good luck with your surgery. Take care. (((HUGS)))
Awww chappy, where have you been babes? sigh.
(((((((((((Hope))))))))))))
Luv ya sugar.
Hello,
Just wanted to send a post out to thank everyone for the well-wishes. My surgery was a few days ago and things went pretty well. I should be just fine; I'm recuperating at home now. I'll admit I was quite nervous but I had my family with me, so that helped a great deal.
H has been concerned about all of this and in the past couple of weeks, he has been calling me daily; first, leading up to the surgery and now after to check on me. He will call or text a few times during the day, to see how I'm feeling. The day after I was operated on, he sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers to my home with a nice card (which he forgot to sign) saying he was thinking about me and was glad everything worked out ok. Later when he called to see if I had gotten them he asked if he'd signed the card and I told him he had not, and at first I wasn't sure who they were from. He made a joking comment about some other lucky guy getting all the credit for his nice gesture; I don't think it ever occured to him I might not know who could have sent me flowers.
He talks of work and a hectic schedule; I don't see him ever changing that or slowing himself down. I sit back and I hear/see someone who's struggling to figure out how to live his life on his own; even the most mundane, routine things cause him disorganization.
If he is still seeing that new gf, I don't know about it. But he's been calling so often and asking about my family, etc. that I tend to think that might be over. It doesn't make a difference though, as he's still not coming to me asking to make a solid effort. So, I am receptive to his calls and texts and I respond in kind, but I don't read into any of this as it is just his guilt reaching out again; his regret speaking.
I can't wait to feel entirely better. My b-day is next week; so hard to believe I was only 36 when I first started posting here!
Thanks again for the kind thoughts. Hugs to all.
glad to hear you did well))))))
thanks for the up date Hope. I'm glad you are recuperating well. I think it's interesting that your H has been so 'attentive' during ths time. Let's see what unfolds (if anything)
I am glad everything went well with the surgery. Take it easy and get well soon!!!!!!!!!
Y
Hope,
I'm glad to see that you are home and the surgery is over and done with. May you have a speedy recovery. Please follow your doctor's orders to the "T".
As for your h, I'm glad to see that he's concerned about you.
Glad to hear that your surgery went well and that you are on the way to recovery. - Nice of your H for caring so much. Take care.(((HUGS)))
Thanks so much. I'm relieved that the surgery is behind me, too. Just concentrating on getting back to 100% and not letting whatever H is doing affect that.
Not much to report on. Feeling much better; almost back to normal now. So grateful for that.
H calls and texts daily, asking how I am feeling. I remind myself it doesn't mean anything except his concern about my health. It's nice that he cares at least about that. A few evenings ago, he called to tell me about his new work schedule and transfer to a different unit, which, I will admit, is a much more managable work schedule that would have been such a plus during the time we were together. I couldn't help but feel a little jealous about it but I didn't say that. He saw a need to change his work situation before he worked himself into the ground, and he made it.
I predict soon his constant contact will dwindle down as he reassures himself my surgery went just fine and I'm ok.
Hope
It is sad he can not find his way to comit to more than his simple caring right now, but at least he is showing that he does. Most importantly, you are healing well and getting back to your fine self. You must be doing something right so keep it up.
(((Hope)))
he called to tell me about his new work schedule ....... will admit, is a much more managable work schedule that would have been such a plus during the time we were together. I couldn't help but feel a little jealous
Hope I'm glad you are nearly back upto 100% fitness. I know you don't hold out for your M anymore (and that's understandable and healthy) BUT I hope you can at least see that your H is starting to think rationally again. It looks to me like he is beginning to care about and work on himself. That has to be good even if it's too late for your M. You seem to be one of the lucky ones and have retained a friendship with your H surely you want that friend to have a healthy outlook on life?
Take care.
Hi, Was2. Nice to hear from you.
Yup, you're right, of course: this is all he can offer, so that's what is offered. It does bring me some comfort that after all the pain over the past years, he does actually worry and care about my well being.
ACJ, I surely do wish him a healthier outlook on his life. No doubt. It's difficult to be happy about it sometimes, as I wish he had taken steps like these to bring more order to his chaotic schedule(s) and put family life in more of a priority. Who knows, he may still be seeing the new gf and perhaps he had to put up or shut up? I don't ask these things when he contacts me to check on my recovery.
Hope,
I know you're feeling "finished" (and I am getting there myself), but remember that the initiator doesn't go through the emotional processing at the same time that we do.
It's difficult to be happy about it sometimes
Hope I empathise with you so much. For my H it wasn't his work that kept him away it was his karate. He trained 3 times a week (sometimes more) and for many years he taught on a Sunday morning so we could never have a weekend to ourselves. When our problems first began I asked him to forfeit just ONE of these times for time together. He didn't like it and didn't do it for long. He resented me for it. Then for a good 6 months before he finally left again he couldn't do any karate b/c of a problem with his heel.
Now he doesn't do ANY karate despite this being where he met OW! That so far has been the biggest smack in the face for me b/c I know if he had done as I asked we could have resolved a lot of our problems.
I think you are doing so well managing to retain a friendship with your H whilst still moving on with your own life. It's the lack of friendship with my H that's stopping me from moving on. I've accepted that he no longer wants me as a W but it's harder giving up your best friend as well
Hi Hope,
Thanks for posting on my thread. It is nice to hear from you and that you are feeling much better. Take care.
H called to say happy birthday today. Weird how yesterday he emailed me and asked me what my plans were for my bday, then tonight when he called, it was 8pm and he said he was sorry for calling so late in the day; he'd been busy and forgot.
Even after all this time, I still get down about the situation; today was one of those days. Just felt sad this evening, and missing the years before all this happened. I did have a nice day, but thoughts of H popped up a lot.
I'd like to wake up and feel nothing for him; it would be a lot easier.
It's your birthday???
Happy Birthday Hope!!! I'd like to wake up and feel nothing for him; it would be a lot easier.
I know what you mean but at least we are finding a way to deal with the pain instead of running like them.
I know he called you late, but at least he called you! My H hasn't wished me a Happy Birthday in 3 years.
I still say you and him are just not done with each other.
Happy Birthday HOPE!!!!!! I hope and pray that you had a good day!
Y
Happy Birthday Hope! I too think he's not done with you, based on his touching base with you again recently. At least he called to wish you. My H hasn't wished me on any of the BDs since the separation. He actually moved out 2 days before my BD - my BD gift
Hope,
I also think that something is up w/him, but it is also important that you move on and let him come to you if he is interested. That is what I have decided to do.
I agree that you are lucky he called. My H hasn't wished me a Happy anything in at least 2 years and no Happy Birthday's in 3 years. Husband left the dy before my 50th birthday.
BTW, hope you had a very Happy Birthday, Hope!!
Happy Birthday Hope. My Hs special way of wishing me well on any special occassion is to make sure I get a letter from his L. So a genuine albeit late Happy Birthday would be very welcome here
Happy birthday Hope. I am happy for you that you had a nice day. - My thoughts are with you.(((HUGS)))
Thanks to all. I really appreciate your kindness. I did have a nice day, with family. As for H, his guilt will forever keep us apart. Nothing I can do.
Hope,
Thought I'd check in. Been off the boards for some time.
Glad to hear your surgery went well and you are feeling better.
Also, it's never to late to wish someone a happy birthday because what I wish for you is not just a happy day but MANY happy days to come.
As for your H, he doesn't really seem to be done with you but just doesn't know how to fix what he's done. So let it be and if you can maintain a friendship with him while moving forward, you don't know what God has in store for you. I do believe that only HE knows if you and H should be together. If you aren't its because HE believes you deserve so much more. It means your H hasn't done the work to deserve YOU.
It's tough though, because I see him now wanting to make a R with the new gf work, so I wonder what the difference really is; her or me.
It's because she doesn't know the real him and what he's done. There's no guilt to deal with there.
I would have to agree though that with the number of texts and phone calls, it makes one wonder if she's even around anymore.
You sound well. Keep moving forward with YOUR life. Believe that you deserve someone who will cherish you and make your life even richer. That may or not be your H but I know that will happen and you WILL be fine.
Hugs,
ISLH
Hi Hope,
I have been thinking about you and wondered how you were? I hope you are well. Take care.
Hi HF7, Been gone a while. I really missed you and some of my old friends.
I needed a real break for my own (non-divorce) reasons, came back to help a friend. Sadly, I'm referring more and more people to this site.
Anyway, I thought about you while I was gone, and I had to search to find your thread.
HF7, You're a hell of a woman, you're the kind of woman that a good man is proud to belong to / with.
I'm sorry, and it's too bad that your H is too messed up to see that.
----------------------
I used to wonder how you could sound so peaceful when you posted after he left, now that she is gone, I understand. It still hurts as deeply as ever, but there is peace.
Finally.
Best,
Punkt.
HF7, Hope things are well with you.
Best.
Punkt.
Hope,
I also hope that things are well with you. All the best.
Hey hf7,
Been a long time since I spoke with you. I hope things are going well for you right now.
Hi Hope,
If you're out there, please check in with us. We miss you and wonder how you are doing.
Spitty