[also posted this to the newcomers' spot-- not sure yet what I'm doing]
This is my first post here-- I appologize in advance for not being up to speed on DB method and all the abbreviations yet, but after jumping in, I promise to go to serious school.
I'm just looking for support and practical advice from someone who understands firsthand what I'm dealing with. Here is my situation: husband 51 left for 3rd time in 10 years (married 25, me 48, 1 adult mentally disabled son), no other woman, him just unhappy. I am not fighting it as I did the last 2, just laying low, keeping communications to a minimum via email and as businesslike as possible. Have finally admitted to myself the relationship is broken, and am actually the party most aggressively pushing the divorce. I just feel I need to get to the other side of it before I can heal, but anger and injured pride are also driving me to finish it.
Problem is, I still love him. Even so, if he ever wanted to come home, I don't know if I could let him-- it would take a bonafide miracle on his part to reassure me he wouldn't just walk out on me again in another year or 2. But that's all beside the point, because I'm sure he won't.
I just really need to know what to do with this grief-- it is literally making me ill (am home sick from work today, down with a nasty virus after a week of practically no sleep). If the marriage is truly beyond repair (which I'm almost 100% convinced), I still want to have as "good" a divorce as possible-- if I can do that, maybe my husband will at least be able to remember me somewhat fondly, and we might keep interractions over our son civil. I don't want to do anything I will regret or be ashamed of afterward.
Any advice anyone can give me on getting through and over this would be MOST welcome. Thanks for letting me spew--
Andabelle
Any advice anyone can give me on getting through and over this would be MOST welcome. Thanks for letting me spew--
Well that really wasn't much of a spew.
We try to get past the grief here, by focusing on ourselves. and Improving what 'we' think is lacking in ourself, failings and things we are generally disatisfied with.
We suggest taking your mind off of the grief by GALing (getting a life) going out and doing things you always wanted to do, things you always enjoyed doing, things you haven't done in a long time, or things you have never done before.
Dettaching is not letting their venom, or drama affect you much and both GALing and self improvment help with learning how to dettach.
You might find better advice on the Divorced but not Done Board, since you seem to be headed in that direction regardless.
And to be honest, I'm not really going to suggest that you wait the ammount of time it would take for a man who has left you 3 other times in 10 years. Sometimes history is a dipstick for the future.
Yes, I definitely need to GA new L now. And what you say about the not expending any more effort on someone who has left 3X in 10 years is just common sense, and is of course already what I am hearing from my family and friends. Doesn't hurt to have it reinforced on a board like this, though-- now that's what I call a reality check! I will post on the other forum as you suggest--I was a little confused about where to go my first time. I appreciate the advice. It is very helpful knowing there are other people out there dealing with same or similar, who nevertheless manage to survive sane, happy, and whole.
Thanks,
Andabelle
Andabelle, have you tried posting in the (general)Newcomers forum? I posted for the first time today. Just like you I have had a rocky M - a few EA's, a separation. My husband is also a very unhappy person and blames all his unhappiness on me. I am certainly not one to offer advice as, in the last 2 months, I've done everything against DB and find myself once again going through a separation. Many people who have never been through something like this can never understand and will tell you to just move forward. You are the only one who can say for sure whether your M is worth saving. I sometimes wonder myself whether I should continue with this insanity but usually find myself wanting to keep trying. My H is a wonderful person but often very confused about what he wants. I'm going to try to hang in there until I feel I have nothing left to hold onto.
Hey Addie,
I did post to the newcomers' forum first-- I think. I'll have to check to be sure. Afterward I thought perhaps I ought to have gone straight to the forum re: what I thought was the main cause of the D, MLC.
I'm so sorry you-- and everybody else here-- is having to deal with this sh*t too. My husband is also unhappy w/self, is very depressed but has stopped taking his antidepressants because they make him "fat and muzzy-headed." Like yours, my husband thinks dumping me will somehow magically solve all his problems, but of course that hasn't turned out to be the case-- I know for a fact he is not having much fun right now. I am very worried about him-- I want him to be okay no matter what happens-- but my opinion doesn't carry much weight with him anymore, so there's not really anything I can do to help him.
Good luck to you. I don't think you are wrong to keep trying if that's what you want-- I see a lot of people here have been DBing a lot longer than 2 months, many eventually with excellent results. I know what I want-- H back-- but at this late date I fear that's not a realistic expectation. But I will try DB and see what happens. If all I get out of it is a relatively friendly divorce and some closure, even that would be a big bonus.
Andabelle,
It is never too late to try to save your marriage. I would suggest getting Michele's book Divorce Remedy. There's a whole chapter in there on MLC. I've read the book a few times and that has helped me to stay the course in my M. If it hadn't been for the book and this site I would have given up long ago. With this current EA I've had a very difficult time DB and that's why we are now separated. I now have to regroup myself and focus on DB before it's too late. H now won't even talk to me or look at me. I know I just need to give him space, not contact him and maybe he'll come around. Easier said than done! I think you're doing the right thing by laying low. If you push him, he'll just distance himself further.
Are you GAL? If not, maybe pick 1 or 2 things you can do for yourself. It will certainly help get your mind off R.
Thanks for the advice, Addie-- I will get the book ASAP.
I am working on GAL-- studying for the GRE in hopes of starting graduate school, looking at new houses, losing weight, and just generally trying to be extra nice to myself right now. I am still very doubtful my marriage can be saved, but no matter the outcome, I know I would regret it forever if I ended it without doing everything possible to salvage it first. And if I still end of getting D'ed after DB, I might actually be able to be more or less okay with it. I hope.
Bless you for your kind words.
And,
Do not let one person, me, sway your desire to save your marriage. If you want to then stand for it.
It's alway good to get another objective opinion. Even if I continue to work for it, I have to be realistic about my prospects, and not engage in wishful thinking (been there, done that already).
Thanks.
The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to focus on YOU and it sounds like you are doing that.
You can not control what H does, you can only control your own actions.
Keep posting on here. We can continue encouraging each other.
Thanks, Addie. I messed up today, though. Shot off a snotty communication to H-- bad move. Cried half the afternoon. Pretty disgusted with myself right now.
But tomorrow is another day, right?
We ALL slip from time to time. I have been a master at backsliding the last 6 weeks. The important thing is that you get yourself right back on track. Maybe you can apologize to H and let him know it wasn't appropriate to say those things and just leave it at that.
Tomorrow will be a better day!!!
Andabelle,
I'm sorry that you're facing this. I know it hurts. Do not give up! The great thing, you have time to turn your marriage around. Apply Michele's techniques from her book, "Divorce Remedy". In addition, visit this board, and grasp all you can. You will feel like a part of an on-line family.
Please click on the following link in regards to the DB lingo.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=39&PHPSESSID=Take care,
/Tia
Hi there,
Just thought I'd pop by and add another newcomer to the list. My H is MLC too and emotionally AWOL. I have been GAL-ing since last July and am almost looking forward to the time when I can have full control of my life. However, a large part of me still wants to save this M, 25 years is not to be thrown away lightly and whatever H says, there must have been plenty to keep us together as well as bring 3 gorgeous kids into the world!
I'm at the in between stage I think, so detached that I will be OK whatever the outcome but I wonder if it's possible to get so detached you'd really rather be divorced than having to cope with all the cr*p.
Thanks everybody. I messed up again today. I meant to go dark, but allowed myself to be lured into an angry email exchange with H. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I knew better, but apparently haven't the necessary self-control to do this right.
I am just about at my wits' end. I think maybe I need to be a little selfish for a change, and do this just for me alone, without any expectations that it will effect the R. I need to GAL not defined by my relationship to H. If I can do that, like Maelstrom says, I might not care anymore.
Sorry to be so negative.
How's Addie doing?
Andabelle~
We are fortunate that Michele has this site. Years ago, I don't know what I would have done without Michele and the board. It seemed like no one could understand what I was going through. My best friends were happily engaged, or happily married. At that time, I was invited to six weddings!
If you want to vent, this is the right place. Please feel free to share. YOU are not alone! I promise you.
Maelstrom is right, gal. @@@@@GAL!!!!! You need to take care of yourself. Therefore, what could you do differently? Make your *GAL to-Do* list, and concentrate on you! Take on a new hobby, volunteer, visit a bookstore, get a haircut or massage, exercise, try on new make-up, learn a different language, meditate, the choice is yours. *Act as if* you are not obsessed with your marriage rollercoaster. You will feel better. You must take time to uplift yourself. At least, do it for the kids. Remind yourself that you do have a life.
The GAL teaches you self-reliance. If he wants a marriage, grrrreat. But he must come to his senses. The only way is for you to stay away from R issues, and love him at a distance. This is just for now. If you see him, show him the Andabelle who is chipper, independent, with the new look. You will catch his attention! Remember, he married you for a reason. I know, this seems overwhelming. I encourage you to read the posts, and divorce bust!
Take Care,
/Tia
Thanks Tia. I will stop being such a crybaby and do as you say. I take it DB has brought you to a good place.
Up to this point I have just been reacting, I have to stop. Gotta learn to detach.
I have been losing weight and trying to look better, but H is getting ready to make a business trip to Brazil-- nothing I can do self-improvement-wise will put me in the same league as the top-model babage down there. Must not allow myself to think about it.
I am studying hard for the grad school entrance exam. I do need to get out more.
Thanks Tia. I will stop being such a crybaby and do as you say. I take it DB has brought you to a good place.
Up to this point I have just been reacting, I have to stop. Gotta learn to detach.
I have been losing weight and trying to look better, but H is getting ready to make a business trip to Brazil-- nothing I can do self-improvement-wise will put me in the same league as the top-model babage down there. Must not allow myself to think about it.
I am studying hard for the grad school entrance exam. I do need to get out more.
I think maybe I need to be a little selfish for a change, and do this just for me alone, without any expectations that it will effect the R.
That isn't selfish. It's self preservation.
You DB for you. Your expectations, both good AND bad make this journey a crappy one when those expectations are not meet, or in the case of the bad ones are.
If you get too hopeful and something doesn't happen you get hurt.
If you get depressed about a bad expectation you get bitter and sour in your daily life.
In regard to your H...live moment to moment without expecting anything from him.
Going to grad school will open up new opportunities for new friendships, a great way to GAL.
About angry exchanges...
If you find yourself getting mad...stop talking.
I obviously have to undergo some mental reconditioning-- thinking about what you said, I realize that I consider anything I do for just for myself to be selfish and undeserved. I have to learn to believe I'm worth it.
I also see I have been setting myself up for failure by focusing too much on H's malfunctions rather than mine. I have to live with me no matter what, so I guess I'd better start fixing and liking myself.
And I won't let myself be drawn into any more angry exchanges!
Thanks
I guess I'd better start fixing and liking myself.
Amen.
Andabelle,
I'm sorry you had a couple of really bad days. Try to not allow yourself to get caught up in the angry exchanges. It doesn't resolve anything and makes you feel worse. Believe me, I know how it feels.
It's great you're keeping yourself busy studying for the grad entrance exams but you also have to do some fun activities. It will make you feel a lot better about yourself and help you slowly detach. Detachment is the key. You can't control what H is doing. I'm sure you have a lot more to offer than those Brazilian top-models- they have their own issues to deal with. Having visited, the image is not always as it is portrayed.
Hang in there!
Thanks Addie-- I hereby resolve to actually do something fun this weekend.
How are you holding up?