Well, I've locked yet another thread & its been a full week since I have logged on 2 the BB.
Mary, my gosh - you & I are soooo much in the EXACT same place.
Like you, I'm questioning myself about deadline date, but have determined 2 view it as a review/evaluation date & not a real deadline. Have EXACT same thought & needs.
When WAH-MLCer goes on his vacation @ the end of the month, if OW is anywhere remotely involved, that is my breaking point!!!
Yes, I too want a vacation, even for a weekend, but in the same boat w/budget.
<sigh> another day in Limbo Land........
Journaling from last week.
Had date night w/WAH-MLCer w/other couple. Was okay & we went out 2 bar afterwards while they went home. Ran into friend of OW & I could tell that WAH-MLCer was on edge. Evening went downhill from there, because this friend we ran into was also a friend of WAH-MLCer & acquantence of mine.
WAH-MLCer thought I said to "Tell XYZ hello for me" when we left, when actually said "Tell Everyone hello for me." Thinking of all the other GFs that I kinda knew but haven't seen or spoken to in a year due to the situation. He was drunk..
Very proud of myself for keeping quiet while WAH-MLCer spewed vial & threats. I thought to myself, fine drop me off, pay the sitter & if you leave (he was threatening) so be it, I am much stronger now, will miss you & so will child, but I will survive.
Weekend spent at rent property & several couples came out w/kids for the day & WAH-MLCer said he was surprised. Well duh, show a united front & that we are doing good & our friends will support us. Geez - but I kept quiet.
Now as of this morning, WAH-MLCer has admitted to me that he is broken, isn't happy, doesn't want to talk to anyone, & was looking forward to his trip.
My reply was that I would do what ever I could to help, he responded w/a he didn't want to go into this conversation w/me right now.
SO, I am letting WAH-MLCer be. Give him the rope to hang himself. GAL'ing & doing "okay."
We/I have come along way since last August, still taking it one day @ a time, with many prayers.
Sending PMA to everyone!
Hope you're doing ok. THINGS WILL ALWAYS BE BETTER! if you're going thru a difficult time now, i've learned that things will be alot better tomorrow.
i noticed that i'm not posting like i used to. i'm GAL. i'm detaching from my H. i'm not so focused on our marriage, our problems, etc etc. it's what i've wanted since this whole nightmare happened.
now the good stuff.
my H came back from NY last wed and since then we've communicated alot better. he was flirting with me alot on friday and on saturday it was a strange day. he first came out with some heartbreaking news. he was told by his company that he should get the divorce so i won't have any interest in the "company" later on. WHAT THE HELL!!! now his so called boss (a wannabe man) is interested in his personal life? hhmm, sounds fishy. then he told me "it's not what you think. i want to reconcile but i can't trust you completely yet. if we have an agreement then we'll start counseling and we'll reconcile".
what to think? he says he misses the kids and doesn't want to be apart from them anymore. i'm thrilled. but worried about this so called company. i told him i'd sign a post nuptial agreement but no divorce. i gave him the whole sacred vows story and that i wasn't going to let any man/woman come between us. til death do us part! he agreed, no divorce. but that it would take time for the trust issue. i says to him "i've waited this long for you to come along, i think i can wait a bit longer for you to trust me"
what do you think?
Mary,
This is GREAT!!!!
Your H has actually said to you that he wants to reconcile AND work on M. WOW and double WOW!!!
I think the offer to sign a post nup is very generous of you, but would wait to see/learn more about this "Company Interest" first, before signing anything.
BTW, please clarify, boss a man or woman?
Will send you more prayers & PMA. Like you, I am working & doing my best to GAL w/friends & child.
Will need your input on my next post - please....
Journaling...
Has been a doozie of a week since I last posted, so I will cut to the chase.
WAH-MLCer not wanting sex for the past couple of days, saying tired & being somewhat moody/angry. Trying to start fights over stupid stuff. Complaining about my low sex drive (another story)
Went to wedding & he was cordial & polite, but didn't really socialize much w/me & I him. No big deal, until I found out later from MIL, who fed the pets for us that evening, that the friend/OW showed up at OUR HOUSE. MIL stated that OW was either drunk or on something.
Either way, MIL handled it w/class & did not engage conversation or anything, but was polite & quiet.
NOW, MIL is going to talk to S, my WAH-MLCer, & let him know of the incident.
What the F was the OW thinking to do that?
Now I am concerned that I have a "Fatal Attraction" & so is MIL. I guarantee, the next 24hrs to 10day is going to tell a lot
I am a very observant person & will even be more so now. I'm going into "Mamma Bear" mode for child & so is MIL.
Advise?????
COOCKOO FOR COCOPUFFS!!!!
i would put aside any fears about MLC getting upset with you. screw him and his OW. she has no class and is obviously determined to get what SHE wants......your husband.
i would definitely have an adult conversation with MLC about this crazy woman. who the hell gave her permission to go to your house????
definite ultimatum! he either tells that wench to not ever show up at your doorstep, email you, or call you OR ELSE YOU WILL NOTIFY THE POLICE FOR HARRASSMENT! you are in every right. don't let him intimidate you mariS!! please! if he cares so much about that wench than your child's safety then SCREW HIM!! i know it's hurtful but your child's safety is most important NOW more than ever.
what if you put your foot down? he's seeing someone else, why not see someone yourself? nothing porno-ish, just plain innocent adult friendship. i do. and it's helped alot.
Mary,
You are right about child's safety. I have not confronted WAH-MLCer about OW, but let his Mom mention the incident, since she was the one that was confronted by OW.
At least OW's myspace shows she is single. At present, I think she is just trying to hurt me emotionally & have me loose it, therefore run WAH-MLCer back into her arms. NaDa, NOT happening! Thank goodness for the DR Book!!!
I'm also reaching the point of not caring anymore. Have two jobs & starting a business, so I really am GALing for me.
Journaling...
Week was decent. WAH-MLCer went out of town for a night for a guy thing. Was able to confirm it was legit. We went to a friends couple shower, people we have know for years.
Now he is on a guy trip to CA, returning this weekend.
WAH-MLCer has shown the classic signs, restless, disturbed sleep, irritable moods, drinking. Finding it VERY hard to keep quiet, as if & ignore, knowing that these are HIS demons & issues, not mine.
Still thankfull that his relationship w/child has improved and each day that God gives me for my life.
Have hinted to WAH-MLCer that maybe I need a CHL & inquiring where my items are, just in case I need "extra protection" when he is not at the house. Thought that would be a strong enough hint as to the OW.
Journaling,
It has been a VERY long up & down week. WAH-MLCer was out of town w/guys having fun, while I'm at home woring & holding down the fort. (at least OW was not on the trip, but who knows who he might have met out there)
I am begining to have anger issues again & need help.
WAH-MLCer is being VERY selfish AND self-righteous. One day he is nice & helpfull & then the next the complete opposite.
This is so very hard to stay the course. It is so hard not to snap & "fight back." Like the old me would.
WAH-MLCer is still not really working, living off of family money, spending the day at relative's apartment & not really helping unless it looks good for him.
I'm begining to feel that I am being used. Not only as a housekeeper, cook, child caretaker, but as a whore. I don't feel any connection, and the fact that he won't kiss me, keeps reminding me of the movie "Pretty Woman."
Need to scrounge more $$$ to schedule w/Laurie (DB Coach)
But also trying to start my own business while working two jobs.
Thoughts?
hi maris,
i'm sorry you're going through a rough week. seems up and down lately. i pray that you feel better about YOU and only YOU. you're husband is very negative about his life right now. this only bringing negativity into YOUR life. you're the one supporting your child and yourself and him. you can't focus on the important stuff because he's bringing you down.
meditate.
focus on positive things. only positive. if you have a good memory of your family, write it down. keep writing the good stuff. it will eliminate all the negative things around you........your husband's selfish, childish ways.
Journaling,
Well, I'm amazed it has been 2 wks since I've posted. Which is a GOOD thing 4 me. I'm taking back control of my life & focusing on me, child, family & work.
Still working 2 jobs. BUT, WAH-MLCer keeps saying he will let me handle the bills 4 the house, etc & pay me by check once a month. Yeah right, he needs to pony up some cash 2 open an account first.
WAH-MLCer is still in limbo land & is Dr. Jykle/Mr. Hide.
Either way, he still won't kiss me, still blames me 4 everthing & is verbally abusive when he has been drinking. Says I'm a bad kisser & he is'nt emmotionally invested in this relationship. Says I am using child against him to remain in it.
The way I have changed is I no longer "fight back" when he is drunk or I have been drinking, I just look inward & see that he is hurt, lost & lashing out to make himself feel better. When he is not drinking, he is pleasant & helpfull. Even commented a few days ago about my B-Day coming up & a hunting trip in the fall, but was making sure it wouldn't conflict with our anniversary. I just kept quiet on those comments.......
Last night was a nice family dinner out @ last minute. I'm still doing the bulk of everything 4 house, pets & child, but WAH-MLCer actually helped some w/child. For the first time in a long time, I sat on the sofa w/WAH-MLcer, my head in his lap, reading a magazine while he watched t.v. Even rubbed his feet when he asked me to.
This morning, I was awaken nicely at 5am :-) & he did kiss me some during it. AND later helped again w/child.
I took child to school & made it to work. 30 minutes after being at work, I receive a call on the main line. Imagine my shock when I see the OW's name & # on caller ID. It took me two rings to answer & I greeted pleasantly with the comapny's name. She hung up on me.
I then called WAH-MLCer 2 thank him 4 dinner, this morning & helping w/child. Then I mentioned the call from OW. His reply was I could talk to her if I want, I replied that she hung up on me. Either way, I was good, really enjoyed the evening & appreciated his help. Then we hung up.
Since then, WAH-MLCer has called 2 talk about friends who's parent is ill & they are in town. We might be going out to dinner again tonight.
Either way, I am "As If'ing" w/my day & saying multiple prayers.
Plan to stop at book store & purchase "Proper care & feeding of husbands" and maybe a book on kissing (ha..ha..)
Thoughts?
Advice?
Suggestions?
Mary - will catch up on your thread soon. You are never out of my thoughts, & continually in my daily prayers. (Big Hug to you)
mari,
Sounds like you're taking a new approach and sounds like it's working. Keep it up. Don't fight him. Let him fight himself.
Keep it up
Peaceful_spirit
Thank you for the encouragement.
Trying my best to survive the roller coaster ride.
Still need 2 scrunge $$$ for more sessions w/Laurie, DB Coach.
Just purchased the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands a couple of days ago and I am only half way through.
What a responsibility we have as wives, mothers, lovers, etc. I do agree w/alot written in regards to our society and how our roles changed and the "extra" challenges we have as women. I am reading it w/a "grain of salt," but it is still opening my eyes to what I can do to make me a better person, wife, mother, lover, etc.
All I can say is WOW!
Mary, I will not have access to the computer after 2pm today, so I am still looking for your to check in. Thinking of you!
hi MariS,
I have been moving around with work, kids, husband, and myself. Which is awesome if you ask me. I would rather be this busy than sitting around thinking about what has happened in the last year.
I hope you tried what I recommended..........writing down positive things when you feel sad and lonely. I got this from Joel Osteen's book. He is such an inspirational speaker. I didn't get to sit in one of his sermons when I lived in Houston, but I watched his show constantly. He inspired me so much that I bought his book.
I sure hope you get on with YOUR life. Your H will come around if he's supposed to be in your path. I can only say that mine didn't come around completely until one year after he left. He's not home completely but he's here most of the time. He says he wants to work things out and that he misses the kids alot. All I told him was that I've waited this long, I think I can wait a few more months for our marriage to heal 100%.
Praying for you and your family. Take care.
Just purchased the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands a couple of days ago and I am only half way through.
Call me old fashioned, but I think understanding the
Proper Care and Feeding of Ourselves is a far better place to start.
I agree Walking...when THEY can understand this concept, then there is hope for a healthy relationship. We are not here to take care of them or enable their messed up behaviour.
Mary,
So glad 2 read U r keeping busy & there seems 2 b positives in your thread. I find it so amazing how U & I seem 2 b mirroring each other. HUGS!!!!
Journaling...
Since I last logged in, no more communication from OW trying 2 contact me & I don't mention her to WAH-MLCer. WAH-MLCer did attend a high school reunion w/me & shared my B-Day w/me.
I also read the proper care & feeding of H book & it has enlightened me. Plan 2 purchase Getting Back Together 2nd edition, How 2 Reconcile w/Your Partner & Make It Last.
I still have my own anger/resentment issues w/WAH-MLCer & still want 2 lash out 4 everything that he has done, but am doing better @ keeping my mouth shut, praying, being thankful 4 the positives & digging in harder each day.
Sometimes I think I am seeing the light @ the end of the tunnel, but am afraid to hope. Especially since WAH-MLCer will not say anything about us, still won't kiss me when having sex & hasn't opened up in any shape or form. I still see him battling w/his own demons & issues, but @ least, his relationshop w/child has greatly improved since child was born.
My evaluation deadline I set came & went. My choice/decision is to remain fighting for my M & family. We have come so far, that I am not willing to dump it all away. Have set another evaluation deadline & will see what happens then.
Until then, I will remain here in the limbo land, DB'ing, As'ifing and GAL'ing.
Thoughts, suggestions or advice????
hi maris,
how are you? i haven't seen you post in a couple of weeks. hope you're parent is doing well.
i've been busy with work/kids/nephew/husband/housekeeping that i don't have time to surf the net as much. i do like being busy. it relaxes me......it's weird.
i have come a long way on my own. my h is back. i can't believe what i'm writing.
MY HUSBAND IS BACK!! on his own. since his trip to NY a couple of months ago he has been different. he posted a video on youtube and he tells the kids he misses them alot and he's feeling lonely without them. he looks at the camera and says "miss you too". i guess a little time apart and a thousand miles away really did some good. he actually missed me.
we have alot to work on. i don't feel like taking everything at once and saying it's ok now. little by little i want to work on things. i tell him exactly how i feel and i told him to tell me the same thing. if something is bothering him i prefer he tell me and not hold it in. if i need some time to myself or vice versa, then we go to another room or we go somewhere. so far so good. i have yet to find a marriage counselor. there are some issues that we can't workout on our own. money issues.
hopefully i'll hear from you soon. take care of YOU first. always.
me=34
H=35...finally acting his age
kids=3
restoring what we once had. little by little.
Mary,
What FANTASTIC news 2 read about your H!!!
Like U, we have both come along way & many more miles 2 go.
I think U 2 are definately further along than we are.
I still see my WAH-MLCer drinking every night, having sleep problems, over weight & some mood swings - Dr. Jykle/Mr. Hyde.
Plus, still keeps referring 2 his family's apt. as "his place."
(AS if that is 2 make me afraid)
Trying 2 stay the course, since he is much better w/child & we are a lot better than where we were last year. Just still cant figure out why the D papers he filled are still open in the court, since I have not been served. Don't have the $$$ to hire a lawyer to inquire & I don't want to wig WAH-MLCer out by me asking someone. Ugh!
Problem I have now is my trust issue. The annivesary date of him walking out on child & I coincides w/the exact same date he & I met years ago. AND the friend/OW's b-day is the day after, w/friends throwing a party on "our date."
As you can all guess, I am having some problems w/that weekend coming up.
Suggestions?
Journaling....
WAH-MLCer was not in a great mood yesterday & I believe that friend/OW is trying to put pressure on him again, escpecially since "her" B-Day is coming up soon. Ugh!!!
Plus, WAH-MLCer seemed "put out" for having to pick child up while I worked a second job and was going to a school board meeting.
Every indication last night was that he didn't bathe child, but fed child, place child to bed & then was drinking, went to bed himself & passed out. At least I was home by 8:30pm & child was good when I check in & even wanted "Mommy" to climb in bed. :-)
(which I did - for a little while)
This morning, WAH-MLCer was in a huff that I moved to the sofa during the night due to congestion & not wanting to wake him up. Then, of course, the sex was not up to par & he mumbled under his breath about it AND mentioned friend/OW name!
AARRRGGHHH...devil go away, prayers help me!
I can still see that WAH-MLCer is trying, his relationships w/child, I & pets have improved since last year. Just hope I can continue to keep my mouth shut, stay the course & As If.
The roller coaster ride does twist/turn when you least expect, hence I know I'm(we) not ready to move to piecing.
Please send PMA....
Thank you!
8-22-07
Journaling...
Have no where else to vent, but here.
Snooped & discovered that WAH-MLCer has obtained ALL of my personal & work e-mail info; login id/passwords AS WELL as my two online credit card accounts. AARRGGHHHH!!!!
Needless to say, I have rectified everything & will not be able to log on from my home computer anymore. Strongly suspect "keylogger" was installed by him.
Damn, damn, damn......
Thoughts?
Can't rush out & buy a laptop, but will research one.
Thanks for letting me vent!
hi mariS,
sorry to hear about your snoop doggy dog husband. seems he has nothing better to do. i sure hope you're hanging in there for the sake of your kid. i wonder though.....
how long before everything turns into moosh? i seem to understand my H issues but what if he leaves again? these feelings may be normal during the reconciliation period. i do have doubts about his staying here. i was so in love with him then that i never ever thought he would leave me. now that he's back what's to say he won't do it again?
i'm worried about this. my kids cannot go through another trauma. neither can i. it's been only one month since he moved in and i am sure this "working out" doesn't take just a couple of months. i figure it would take one year to sort things out but at least we were together with the kids.
bah, why worry! right? if i worry then i let all this negativity in my life again. i'm doing just fine right now. i'm busier than ever and i couldn't be happier. this is just a small bump on the road. i'm thinking i need to breathe on my own (if that makes any sense). i've been so happy these past few weeks that i haven't done things on my own. i should go out with some girls and have him do the same. maybe we need some air. i told him i didn't want to talk about everything right away. this working out deal will take time. there is no rush. why rush into things?
Mary,
I am so glad we found each other on this BB. You seem 2 mirror the feeling, questions & concerns that I have @ the same time, AND they are VERY valid.
Maybe my lesson is 2 take things one day @ a time, not plan my life away like I use 2, & be gratefull for what I'm given that day/evening.
Have you moved over to piecing yet?
I doubt that I will be there anytime soon. My WAH-MLCer is still very much in the throws of his MLC, still. Ugh!!!
Your H has @ least fully moved back in, has said he is willing 2 work on the M & seems 2 be giving it a go. Yes, this is where the hardest work is for us, the LBS. We must show that we are NOT our old selves & will NOT revert to our old ways.
You can do this Mary!!!!
--------
Journaling,
Well it has now been a year since WAH-MLCer walked out on child & I & things are better, but still not the best. I didn't acknowledge the date or anything, just did my own thing w/child.
We are having more family outings, moments, meals, etc. WAH-MLCer is back at the house, but threatens every so often about leaving. I ignore, until last night, when I gently said, "If you feel that you really need to leave, then go."
Amazingly, he stayed.
As for our M/R, IMO, it is 90% just sex & all I am is an outlet for his physical need. The other 10% is here and there, but I feel no connection to WAH-MLCer.
I can see where WAH-MLCer is trying and that there are still positives. It is when those negatives hit you out of the blue to cause a speedbump that I am thrown. Today, I am totaly ignoring WAH-MLCer and doing what I need to do for myself & child. WAH-MLCer still drinks his vodka every night, has sleep issues, etc.
At least this time around, I don't retaliate, I just take care of child, pets, family & I and say those are his demons, not mine.
Thank you for letting me ramble....
Journaling...
WAH-MLCer had a bad day yesterday, but at least he still communicted w/me. Plus, asking for some cash was a BIG step for him, even coming to my work for it.
So, when I was off work & he had picked child up, I decided to take child out for errands & dinner, leaving WAH-MLCer free to do as he chose. Even gave him a little more cash, so he wouldn't be "stuck" at the house.
Had a dejavue panic when he started txting at 10pm and at 1am txted he was tired and would see me tommorrow(his cell off)
He didnt come home & even though I freaked, I didn't go snooping for him. YEAH!!
He is only using txt, but sent a message saying he was sorry, I didn't do anything wrong & he doesn't understand why he isn't happy w/anything anymore.
My reply was I was sorry, understood, wish I could magically make it all better, we are partners and I can only help when he shares AND that I "still" believed in him.
THIS is a complete change in me, not only from last year, but overall. Now I need to re-read my DB book and focus on the depressive spouse.
Still GALing, working two jobs, started a home business & taking care of child/pets.
Going to a costume party in a few weeks w/WAH-MLCer - have ordered the playboy pirate costume & the thigh high boots. Maybe this will help snap his depression...ha, ha.
Thanks for letting me journal.
Still want to know when it is my turn to leave reality.......
Okay,
I can not locate my print out or link that I obtained from this BB, prior to the update. I am looking for the thread that listed and discussed the "Stages of MLC."
Can anyone help?
Journaling,
I firmly believe my WAH-MLCer is in depression. This morning, he mentioned that he would like to "Go back to sleep & not wake up." I lightened it up and said he couldn't do that to us & gave him a quick peck on the cheek and went about the day.
Doing my best to provide him with a safe/nurturing environment to help him w/his demons and his journey.
Everyone have a safe holiday weekend....I will keep ALL of you in mind and continue to send prayers.
Still looking for archived information....
Journaling,
WAH-MLCer still in limbo land. Now I really understand how we can make or break it.
Had HUGE anger issues last weekend, mainly because were at the rent property and he had taken OW there. Kept my mouth shut, better to be quiet than say something I regret.
Later after WAH, kept pushing and asking, I lightly mentioned my anger issues and left it.
Today, I found out on line that the divorce WAH filed last October is up for possible dismissal due to lact of action.
I know that this information is being sent to WAH and his attorney, will make for an interesting week on WAH's attitude.
Will need to make a bigger effort to prove that I have changed, that he can be a better person and we can be "that" team together
Maybe when the divorce is droped, I might feel comfortable to move over to piecing. Not until then, plus he still has the family apt. Ugh!
Thanks for listening.
Mary - how are you? the kids?
Hi MariS,
Haven't posted to you before.
I think you did a great job seeing DH and OW!!! Not sure how I would have survived. I saw you had a two year old. Mine just turned three and is a boy.
The answer to your MLC stages request... It is in the second post of the MLC forum called 'MLC all resources in one thread'.
You can find the stages there and the timeline, and reconnection and much more. Yesterday there was an interesting thread from a few years ago. I'll see if I can bump it. It's not in the resources list.
Well go steady and work on you!!!
hi MariS,
I know this is gonna sound crazy but believe me......the more you focus on your feelings, your near future, your child, and YOU YOU YOU the easier things will seem.
it took me a long time to figure that out. i kept worrying about where my H was and what he was doing and why he wasn't calling, etc etc. i finally clicked. i said to myself "stop worrying, God will lead the way". believe me when i say that things do get better each and every day. your H is a bit different than mine. yours has somewhat of another person. til this day i haven't found out if mine has one or had one. DON'T WANT TO KNOW EITHER. why kill myself over something that means nothing for the time being, right? as the old saying goes "if i haven't seen him with another woman then it's not true".
anyway, prayer has helped tremendously. constant praying. thanking God for each and every morning. i have my health. i have a home. i have food for me and the kids. i couldnt ask for more. (except maybe a couple more hundred dollars each month so that i wouldn't stress about bills) but that's totally my fault. i should be working much more and relaxing less. since all my kiddos are in school now i seem to feel "free". i work from home so i have some time to myself. and that's where i slack. i need to focus more on work that way i won't be stressing out so much about finances. even though my h is home, i still want to be financially independent.
take my word for it. the more you focus on YOU and your work, the less you'll worry about your problems. i will pray for your well being...........
take care.
Hi MariS,
Remember me? Mamabear.
I agree with MaryfromAustin. The reason that I haven't been here in over a year is because I have taken the focus off of my H and put it on me. I got a job and give 110% to it. Between taking care of the house, pets, bills, kids and my job I really have no time to focus on what my H is or isn't doing. At the same time I think the stress and pressure has been released from him and he has returned to his old self (about 98%). Will I ever trust him again? Not completely, but I'm ok with that because I am confident in myself. While I love him with all of my heart I know that if he left me I would be ok, 2 years ok I did not feel that way. I felt hopeless and lost but this sitch has changed me. This board has changed me. I no longer feel helpless, I know that I can do anything that I set my mind out to do. We are all fighters, not victims. Remember that people!
Mary, Mamabear & Babybliss
Thank you for your kind/wise words & encourgement. I have been doing my best to focus on me & not WAH-MLCer & have not posted here in awhile. Now I am in need of help from the bb.
Journaling........(sorry for length)
WAH-MLCer started same arguement again this morning.
(seems to hit this trend when he is sexually frustrated w/me)
He doesn't love me, isn't happy, said he would stay for the 16yrs for child, now doesn't think he can. We gave it a try for the past year & "nothing" is better. We are not sexual compatible, I have nothing stimulating to offer, no friends with places to go & things to do. If he was going to stay in the M, then he was going to have a GF on the side. We need to sit down & have a non-emotional discussion about us & what we each want. All of his friends can see that he is unhappy & miserable. We need to go ahead & proceed w/the D. I would be happier w/someone else, some CPA type person and that I could hang out at the house with & plant flowers.
(you get the picture-typical alien spew)
My reply was we have NOT been working on us for the past year. He was still sleeping w/OW until recently & he had not committed 100% to working on us since he was still in communication w/OW and he had not completely moved out of "his place." The fact that he still had other place indicates he has one foot in the door and one out.
I asked which friends & he gave me a list of names. My next question was if "these" friends were also aware of ALL the OTHER issues that he was dealing with, or was he telling them that is was just all me? Silence...
Also, OW should stop calling me at the office & hanging up. She is more than welcome to have a conversation w/me I am NOT afraid of her. In fact, I suggested lets get the 1st OW from the 1st A to even join us and we can have a "nice dinner party" just the four of us. No response...
I reiterated that I did let him go, & no, its not about "wining" him, I loved him & our family. The reason he was happy w/OW during seperation was that she wasn't working & had time to devote all to him. (not juggling two jobs, starting a business, raising a child or salvaging a marriage/family)
AND no, sex is not just sex, it is about an emotional and mental connection that includes physical interaction. His reply was I needed to watch more porn.
I am SO angry & emotionally distraught over his inmaturity that its making it hard for me to keep fighting for our family, but I know I need to(those few gems are rare,but great when I get them)
Figure OW is pressuring WAH-MLCer, I know the bulk of his guy friends already moved on and grew up and he now has no one to "play with." Then of course, I gather his attorney is also contacting him due to the courts wanting to dismiss due to lack of prosecution. I asked why the courts supposedly had no known address for me & he just smirked/laughed.
Then he dug in on why did I have his second credit card and all the snooping I had done, etc. He doesn't go through my stuff, doesn't care, I can go have an A, why do I care about him?
Well, he had given me that second card when he was drunk, so I kept it & the snooping only started 2yrs ago when the IRS showed up at house looking for us and then the constables started showing up for WAH-MLCer.
I then asked that he remove the "keylogger" program he installed on our home computer, which he denied.
Time for him to GROW up, but we can't make the MLCers see it. Sure, I would like to be out living life, but I don't have a bank account to role that life style like he does, or did.
Downside, he admitted that having our child was a mistake. I know the child his/herself is not a mistake, but the two of us having a child was. But whats done is done & we must go forward.
When WAH-MLCer suggested starting a family years ago, I was shocked, but thought okay, lets, it will be hard, different & difficult, but if WAH-MLCer thinks we can do it, then I know we can.
Little did I realize, until now that WAH-MLCer wasn't truly ready & that he was already in MLC.
Our child will NEVER know that we made an error in judgment to begin a family(and I say "we" because it takes two).I will do WHATEVER it takes to protect child from this knowledge.
Unlike WAH-MLCer, I have always known what it means to grown & take on the responsibilty of being a parent, as well as the hardship. He has just chosen to balk every step of the way of growing up.
WAH-MLcer's lack of patience and resentfullness of having to be a parent when it comes to the "hard parts" is apparent when he is around child and his actions w/child. I do my best to minimize these situations, mainly because it is not fair to child to be exposed to WAH-MLCer antics, child doesn't comprehend.
Plus, w/WAH-MLCer still being an alcholic, I am ever mindfull of child.
WAH-MLCer is also now trying to control who in our family we see & spend time with. His Mother is "not allowed" so sit for us and his brother is "not allowed" to be around child. All of this is because of HIS issues w/them. I keep in-laws in the loop w/child & I when I can. MIL is completely understanding, loves & supports child & I.
Now I must try to dry my eyes here at work & but on the happy face of As If. Continue to GAL and 180. I have a GF function tonight & WAH-MLCer seems jealous & put out that he will have to stay home on a Friday night to watch child. Keeps commenting that his weekends are his. (he was out hunting all last wknd)
Thoughts?
Words of encouragement or advise?
Also, OW should stop calling me at the office & hanging up. She is more than welcome to have a conversation w/me I am NOT afraid of her. In fact, I suggested lets get the 1st OW from the 1st A to even join us and we can have a "nice dinner party" just the four of us. No response...
LOL. sorry, but this is truly funny.
My reply was we have NOT been working on us for the past year. He was still sleeping w/OW until recently & he had not committed 100% to working on us since he was still in communication w/OW and he had not completely moved out of "his place." The fact that he still had other place indicates he has one foot in the door and one out.
Sadly, you're right. He hasn't bee workin on anything if this is what he's been doing. What is he waiting for? His being "happy" is not going to fall from the sky. This requires action on our part. You have so much on your plate and yet you keep going. You should take pride in that. I ran a business with kids and all. This takes an incredible about of strength and you have high tensile steel in you. I can hear it.
You commented that he is an alcoholic. Is he in any support or C (rehab) type situation? How bad is it? Does he have issues with his Mom and brother behind their not enabling him? I'm glad you're keeping them in the loop with you.
As far as his controlling who you see...I think that's BS. If they are not a danger, he just doesn't have to be there. Sounds like he's quite good at doing his own thing anyway.
The weekends are his?? That's nice. Given his drinking problem, if you have plans I would consider getting a babysitter or have your MIL watch the little one. What's he going to do D you? Seems to me that's already on the table anyway. You don't have to be angry or confrontational though. My comment about his divorcing you is one I use on myself when my H does something I think is wierd or out there. It's a reality check for me.
I think you're doing better than you think. You comments to him were direct and to the point. Unless you were flaming mad when you said them (which would be totally understandable), I am hopeful some of it sank in just a tiny way.
Enjoy you night out tonight. You so deserve it.
Grace_O
Thank you!!!
Your encouragement is what I am needing at the moment. I am not looking for the pat on the back or that "Yea you did it." I made the decison last Sept, that I love WAH-MLCer (prior seperation OW) & that I could move past his recent A & I would work on the M.
Sadly, he hasn't grown up and seems stuck in the MLC tunnel.
No, he will not admit to being an alcholic and is not seeking help..."there is nothing wrong with him, it's all me."
MIL reiterates that my WAH-MLCer is sick, just like his Father was (deceased for 11yrs)
Nothing was said in true anger this morning, but there was some emotion behind things here and there. I hope what bits I have said will sink in, but who knows.
Hardest part is keep the As If everything is normal for child.
It is nice to know there others out there who have been in a similiar situation and can provide input.
Thank you!
MariS, I think you are doing a fine job of not getting sucked into H's void. You are keeping your wits about you and are protecting your child. There is no time frame for all of this, so hang in there as best you can and take care. Did you get any more details from MIL about H's father?
InHerJourney + Others,
MIL & BIL are both competely in the corner for child & I and will do ANYTHING to help us. As for the deceased FIL, well he was alcoholic as well & cheated on MIL too(she found @ dr. appt.)
Journaling
WAH-MLCer was w/friend/OW yesterday afternoon & didn't return home until 10:30pm. Child & I were already in bed asleep(w/me). I feel like a rotten Mother when my child sees me crying, pats my chest and says "It's okay Mommy, I'll take care of you." That really didn't help the tears.....
Either way, child went back to own bed & an hour later after WAH-MLCer came home, I was still awake, even with over counter sleep medicine, so I slept on floor of child's bed.
This morning as child and I leave for school/work and WAH-MLCer has done nothing except wake child up and take to bed for snuggling then have his own shower, I left the following note on top of his cell.
Either OW or your family - not both
No more lies
Either move back in completely and give our family a chance or move out all together.
Will see what the day brings.
Thank you for thoughts and prayers...
MariS,
(((hugs))))It tore me up when I read what your D said & she is only 2?? WOW!!
I texted my H this morning somewhat in the same lines as you did. H moved back this past friday only to leave that same night back to OW house.
I wrote that if he decides to move back out there will not be a 3rd chance fo him. Told the girls6,7 &10yrs that daddy prolly will move back out to OW's, they were very sad. Said I wanted him to stay thru the holidays but I was not going to hold him & that he wins.
"It's okay Mommy, I'll take care of you." That really didn't help the tears.....
I know. I have D15 and D12 and sometimes they'll just come up to me and say you look like you need a hug (it's always when I do) and it makes me feel like I should be better for them.
Well, you made your point. Now, the ball is in his court.
These kids of ours are awesome!!!!
Grace_O & Chiki
Where do our kids get the inner strength that we sometimes are lacking?
I just don't want to be a failure to child, who is the innocent one in all of WAH-MLCer's mess.
Either way, yeah the ball IS in his court.
Noticed that friend/OW mood on myspace last Tuesday was sad and his mood on Saturday was nostalgic (he had been going through photos)Neither have logged on today, yet.
So who the heck knows anymore....
Thank goodness I have this bb
Journaling...
24hrs later and WAH-MLCer is status quo.
Made it home w/child & he walked in the door 5minutes behind us. Stayed about 2hrs & then went out to local Mexican place and returned 2hrs later. (even though I had a meal cooked)
Guess it is now time for me to AS If everything is normal. Either way, I am still ignoring him, unless he actually calls. Don't feel like dealing w/his txt messages.
Naturally, he wanted "his attention" this morning and it is STILL just about sex, no kissing or emotional connection.
This MLC ride is horrid and I am trying to hang in, but I do feel liberated that I drew a line.
Now if I can keep the strength to inforce it, without creating any speedbumps (i.e. snooping, following, questioning, etc.)
Time to REALLY let go, totaly detach & pull back.
Concentrate more on me & child.
hi MariS,
hang in there.............
i lasted 15 months with not knowing where my marriage would end up. i taught myself to have patience. but i also taught myself to not cling on. i needed my time to think about what I wanted in life.
did i want to hang on to someone that didn't love me? no, therefore, i started to look the other way. i didn't date men but i didn't stop having male friends. i told them straight out i didn't want a relationship whatsoever. i wanted a friend, that's all. some didn't stick around but there were a couple that understood my situation with my "separation".
did i want to depend on him financially again? no, therefore, i started my own business.
did i want to go through this fiasco again? definitely no. before he moved back home i wanted to make sure that we were both on the right page. i told him i wanted to take things s.l.o.w. i knew it would take time but i didn't want to confuse the kids. i told him i didn't want to depend on him financially, so my money is mine and vice versa but we both have to split the responsibilities. he agreed. i wanted to know if he was moving back home because of the kids....he said "no, i want to try to work things out with you".
i know so much about myself now. i know i can handle just about anything on my own. i was miserable without his friendship and his love. so much time apart....i cried so much and i hated him at the same time. i went through so much therapy it's not even funny.
thing is...how can i truly trust him? what if he goes through this "looney" phase again? my kids would be devastated again. i don't think I could go through with it ever again. i got so sick the first couple of months of the separation and i was on heavy medication. NEVER AGAIN!!!
mariS,
there is only so much a woman can take. no one can tell you what to feel or what to do with your marriage. only YOU can make that decision. my opinion shouldn't matter. you're the one that is going through the heartache. what i see right now is not going to sound too positive to you. i see that your H is having the best of both worlds. he's depending on you financially, sexually, and to be there when he needs to shell out some anger. whenever the OW doesn't give it to him he comes to you, whether you want to or not (he knows you want him back). i think you made a very good decision on giving him an ultimatum. OW or his family!
i've read your happy journaling and i've read your devastating ones too. it is a rollercoaster ride. only YOU can put a stop to this. he may never come out of this shell. you don't depend on him financially, spiritually, or emotionally. you are on your own. do you honestly want this for the rest of YOUR life? the love of your life may be out there looking for someone as special as you. no matter if you have children. that person may be THE love you've always been looking for. but how will you know... you're still wanting this man that is be-littling you all the time? the way i knew that i was going to be ok with or without my H was to say "bring me the divorce papers and i'll sign tomorrow. i'm through with you. i won't allow you to walk all over me. i can make it on my own with three kids. i want to move on with my life".......
i was serious. i wanted to just move on. i wanted to stop daydreaming about the man i married to come back home. i needed a man in my life, not a 35 yr old baby. well, that's all it took. he took me seriously and day by day he started to come around. he went on a trip to NY and came back a changed man. no more talks about divorce. now he wanted to reconcile. he wanted to give it a chance. it was unbelievable. too good to be true actually. i still have my guard up. i know what i went through and i can't forget the pain. love is patient.........
like i said. my opinion should not matter. by telling him to bring you the divorce papers doesn't mean he won't do it. do whatever your intuition tells you to do. if you want him to stop seeing OW, then change the locks. he'll know you mean business.
know that deep in my heart i know the heartache you're going through. by no means do i want your marriage to end. i will pray that you make the right decision, for your sake and your child's.
please take care of YOU.
MaryfromAustin + Others
Thank you for your insight & words of wisdom. Since I last wrote, child has been ill w/diarreaha & WAH-MLCer has been decent to us both. It IS a roller coaster ride & I personal hate them, don't even ride them in real life.
I think that WAH-MLCer senses that I am almost done. He has lately seems to trying a little more & last night when we went to bed he acknowledged that I was right that happiness comes from within.
I guess where I am at for the moment is a "I dont care anymore" attitude. I drew the line and now I need the strength from within to reinforce my decision, while at the same time, fight for my family...not was, but what can be.
Will need to re-read my DB book and others.
<sigh>
Ill child has been w/me at work today, which just adds more stress, but reminds me that child IS the most important & MY relationship w/child.
Journaling...
Over the past two weeks, WAH-MLCer has been up & down w/his emotions. One constant is his love for our child. He has been hot & cold w/me. Sex is still sex to him, no emotional attachment, no kissing, all about him.
I am much much stronger from where I was a year ago. Can look back & see how I have evolved w/my strength. Child is my primary focus, along w/family.
Our 11yr anniversay is coming up and at least WAH-MLCer is planning to spend it w/us. I told him that he didn't have to & created some excuse that it would be the last nice weekend of the season for us to go to our tent property. SO, we are going as a family. HUGE difference from last year.
Still need to re-read my books & continue on my path.
Have found the strength AND peace within myself, that whatever is thrown my way, I CAN HANDLE it. (since I have already been through the fires of hell) Calculated that WAH-MLCer's midlife crisis began around the summer of '03 and know it is still not over, if it ever will be.
Still thinking of everyone on the bb daily, sending prayers and positive thoughts. Will keep checking in periodically to update, otherwise... I'm spending my time w/child & focusing on me.
:-)
Mary in Austin - Please update when you can. I worry about you.
Hugs and more hugs to you and your children.
Goodness Maris - you are the poster child for handling MLC!!
I am so full of admiration for your attitude. Another shining example for newbies, remebering how you were, and how you are now.
A
Angelica,
Thank you, but I do not feel that I am the "poster child."
I can only hope the experiences I have had can help someone else with their challenges.
Honestly have no clue where my M is going w/our anniversay coming up & the D up for dismissal due to lack of prosecution.
At least WAH-MLCer has taken a more active interest in child and as of last night, actually snuggled/held me when we slept.
He will NOT discuss his out of state A from when child was born, or his recent A w/OW when he left us last August and doubt that he ever will.
Sending PMA, prayers & hugs to everyone here on the BB.
maris,
thanks for checking in on me. i am doing just fine. i'm keeping myself busy busy busy. just because my H is back home doesn't mean i'm going to let myself go. i've recently joined a gym and i'm keeping busy with my new venture. if only i did business where you're at i would post my website.
anyhow, i read about your D "magically disappearing". mine is still in court but they told us we didn't have to do anything at all. why pay all kinds of court fees when the judge can automatically write it off for no action being taken! he took me to the courthouse to disolve the divorce and that's when the clerk told us that info.
take care of yourself. pray pray pray for guidance. only He can guide you in the right direction.
Journaling a quick up date.
WAH-MLCer spend Anniversay w/child & I. I received a nice card that indicated things would work out, or so I thought.
Found out that WAH-MLCer's attorney has requested a motion hearing w/a special appearance w/a different judge. Basically looks like they are trying to keep the filing alive by shifting it to a different court. UGH!. He doesn't know I know. Trying to keep up the "As If" appearance. Especially since WAH-MLCer has been snuggling/holding me while we sleep at night.
THEN - this morning, his cell phone rings at 1am. He missed it, but I then heard the house phone. Figured it was one of his guy friends needing help....WRONG, it was that friend/OW.
WHAT gaul!!!!
At least I handled it smoothly at 7am when WAH-MLCer asked me in the what I was doing in the kitchen and I replied. Trying to figure out why XYZ would be calling our house at 1am.
Prayers please....
WAH-MLCer has come along way in one year and I don't want to give up on our family.
Maris - he sounds terminally confused to me! It is tough when OW calls on the house phone: making a fuss looks like we are givng them too much head-room.
My line was to say politely that it was unacceptable. Cell phones are designed for affairs, and to keep them out of the family domain, and that in future you would prefer it if she didn't phone your home. This isn't about him, it is about boundaries of acceptable behaviour. My h got blustery about it, but I said that the pohone bill was a family expense, and that I would not take calls from someone he disapproved of. He sulked, but basically accepted what I said.
Just MO
A
Angelica,
Thank you for your input. I doubt that friend/OW would do it again, but who knows. I have now moved the cordless phone to my side of the bed, just in case it does happen again. At least the hang up calls at work have stopped.
As for where WAH-MLCer is on his journey, not a clue. Would really like to shake the daylights out of him and ask ALL of these questions, but know it would scare him and make him run.
Oh what patience we must have in order to "As If."
All I can say for today -
WAH-MLCer has come along way from last year.
<sigh>
Journaling:
WAH-MLCer was in foul mood yesterday late/evening. Child even noticed and said that daddy was in a bad mood.
This morning, the house phone rang at 7:15am. I picked up and chose to stay quiet, just listen. The caller didn't say a word, but I could hear a small dog barking in the back. Friend/OW has a small white dog. Caller hung up. Needless to say that didnt hlep the morning. I told WAH-MLCer who was still in bed what I had heard and that I hadn't acknowledge the call, because it had said "Out of Area."
Now for the stumper - WAH-MLCer has informed me that a mutual long time friend of ours is having a mile stone B-Day and WE are invited with the others on a short weekend trip out of the country. WTF!!!?????
This trip will take place after the some court stuff in a few weeks, that seems WAH-MLCer is attempting to shift the D to another judge, in order to "keep it alive" in the system. Needless to say, I am now seekin legal counsel in order to protect child and I from any surprises.
Ugh!!
I know WAH-MLCer is not on his ritalin meds for ADD - his mood swings are to much.
Thoughts?
Journaling:
Just checked online the status of the D that WAH-MLCer filed over a year ago & never served me. Guess what??
It is DISMISSED as of yesterday!
The Disposition from the court reads:
Non-Suite/Dismissal by plaintiff/petioner
Which now means that the Motion Hearing and Special Appearance that was set for 11/15 is ALSO cancelled!
YEAH to DR & DB
Now the work begins again to show WAH-MLCer that he did not make a mistake by not serving and giving us/child chance. Just wish friend/OW would back off, but gather that will take time.
Should relish the small joy of the day...
Journaling:
WAH-MLCer has been to the dr due to not feeling well for a couple of weeks. Nausea, diareha, not keeping food down, head aches, etc. Naturally since he is ADD, the dr. already monitors him due to his medicine, but this time, extra tests are being processed. (BTW, I'm not planning to sleep w/him until the results are back - have a minor concern)
Wonder of ALL wonders, WAH-MLCer "had" to refrain from drinking any alcohol for a period of time, prior to the tests and while waiting for the next results, the doc told him his liver needs time to recover and he needs to lay off the drinking.
Kinda weird not seeing WAH-MLCer drinking EVERY night.... His quote was "I'm not saying that I'm never drinking again, but right now, my health needs to be taken care of." Then he indicated that he was doing it for our child.
Needless to say, I absolutely LOVE the fact that WAH-MLCer has been snuggling in bed and holding me at night. He even fell asleep in my lap on the sofa last night. (could say when THAT last happened)
Still praying daily and taking it one day at a time.
Focusing on myself, child and family.........
MarieS,
Sounds very hopefull!!!!!
JAK
Journaling,
Well, the doc told WAH-MLCer last week that his liver count was way to high and he had to quit. I have deducted all of this from WAH-MLCer's actions, few conversations and his attitude.
Basically, I believe he has either alcoholic hepitas or cyrossis. Naturally, WAH-MLCer has turned into Mr. Hyde and no longer is snuggling, holding me or even accepting my sexual advances. I am being told to shut up, F-off, that I'm a B and that I am his irritation.
Oh well, I know it is the withdrawal and him having to face his demons. I see him going throught the depression phase, anger and withdrawl (falling asleep on the sofa)
My only comments have been, why are you mean? You were so nice, snuggly & caring last week, don't ruin that. As well as...you are to physically have to shut me up- his reply he would do it legally. Ugh - he is soooo sick.
Child and I are doing well. Have an event for the new business this weekend, so must continue to focus on myself & child. Let WAH-MLCer deal with his one issues, at the same time trying to provide a warm caring AS IF environment AND keep the door open for him to have a better relationship with child rather than if we were divorced.
Mary in Austin - news from you?
hi mariS,
i hope you are well mentally and spiritually. i'm sorry to hear about your H sickness. i have never dealt with an alcoholic in my family but i am sure it is very difficult. my prayers go out to you and your child.
i hope that one day you will look back at all this and think of it as a horrible horrible nightmare. i hope you will feel so proud of yourself...for hanging on to your family even though things just didn't seem hopeful. i pray that you will find inner peace. there is nothing worse than being stressed, emotional, lonely, and miserable. hang in there.
things do happen for a reason. perhaps this is your husband's wakeup call from God. don't push him into anything he's not ready for. don't push him into saying or doing anything that you will regret later. let him be for the time being. be there for him. alcoholism is a disease. he can't react normal right away if he's gone cold turkey. be patient now more than ever. don't remind him how sweet he was last week much less how mean he's being now. he's dealing with alot. i know.....you've been more than patient. if you truly do love your family you will continue to be patient. if your gut feeling (your intuition) tells you to be there for your husband, then so be it! that feeling is God talking to you.
my prayers are with you. take care.
Mary,
Your message is just what I needed today!
Thank you......
I have chosen to withdraw from my WAH-MLCer for the day, at leas during my work hours. No telephone calls - sending or receivng, txting, or e-mailing.
I need for me, the ability to withdraw and regroup for myself. At the same time, stepping away from his whirlwind. Not neglecting child, pets or family, just choosing not to participate in his MLC.
My hope is that you and your children are well. (?)
Send an update when you can.
Another new motto of mine:
Become the chang you want to see
Hey Mari...LTNP ( long time no post). I read about your H's struggle with alcoholism, and I'm thinking you might want to consider attending alanon mtgs. There is a person, a wonderful woman, who posts on the SSM ( Lillieperl), who has had much experience with the effects of alcoholism, and she says alanon is a lifesaver.
Real Journey,
Thanks for the input. I attended one a long time ago and didn't glean anything from it. We are attending an inquires course at a local church, basically for our child's future education. Thinking about meeting with the pastor for spiritual support.
WAH-MLCer was helpful w/child this evening.
Have found out the dr has also taken WAH=MLCer off of his rittalyn medicine for his ADD. Which reinforces that the liver issue is a big deal.
One day at a time...
Have other glitches w/new business that are taking my time and worries off of M.
MariS, I was trying to get another poster to come here and talk about alanon, but I see you went that route before.
Glad work is a good distraction right now.
I am hoping your H's physical problems will be enough to open his eyes up to his unheaalthy life style. In the meantime, take good care of yourself and the family.
xo, RJ
RealJourney
The poster you mentioned is more than welcome to chime in their 2cents. I will not be offended. I believe the more one learns and the more knowledge, we can have a better understanding.
This MLC rollercoaster is extremely long, trying to find the inner strength to continue...WAH-MLCer also has personal issues w/his family (Mom & brother) naturally I'm to blame.
<sigh>
Thinking when I turn 50, will have a book written about my married life and all the drama. Could rival the Dynasty show that was on in the 80's. :-)
Are there any normal people/families still out there?
yeah - there are... and you deserve to be a member of one - both for your own and your child's sake.
Thinking of you, V
Are there any normal people/families still out there?
Well, it's hard to define normal, but if you have two partners who are committed to working together, that to me, is a really good thing. The part I hate most about these MLCer is the tendency to run away and avoid.
As for me, I am probably not going to be on this board as much, not because I am running away...I am launching a new business come January. If I can't make it here as much, please know that every one of you will be on my mind and heart...and I could sure use a few prayers my way for my new venture as well!
As for me, I am probably not going to be on this board as much, not because I am running away...I am launching a new business come January. If I can't make it here as much, please know that every one of you will be on my mind and heart...and I could sure use a few prayers my way for my new venture as well!
What, did I scare you off ?
Kid, I know you'll do great in this new business and whatever you do. You know we'll be pulling for you and of course the prayers are going to come your way
Thanks for all the help over in SSM, you're a sweetheart
IC, You and the Miss are incredibly special...I could see that right away. You both have done so much on the BB to put faith back into relationships.
Hey everyone, if you want to read a real love story, seek out IC and Miss IC's threads on SSM.
Real Journey,
Best of luck w/the business launch.
Let the BB know when you do launch in case
any of us could be potential customers.
I started representing a clothing line out of NY
this past summer (side business to other jobs).
It is hard work, but also is a good distraction
in keeping me focused on me, child & pets.
Journaling:
WAH-MLCer still considers me as the evil one who is making his life misserable. Amazingly he has been helping w/child & pets AND went to the confirmation class again last night. (grumbling all the way though)
He seems to "trying" to get his life back on track and I am doing my best to As If AND keep my mouth shut with thoughts and opinions. (extremely hare)
I am thankfull for the opportunity that I have been give to have WAH-MLCer back in our family life, even with his problems & turmoil. It at least gives me "real time" and presence to DR & DB with WAH-MLCer, which I didn't have last year.
One step at a time, day after day....
MariS, You are doing great... btw, my two favorite expressions are " baby steps" and " a day at a time."
Thank you for the good wishes for my new biz. Right now I'm taking prayers, lol.
Hugs, RJ
Could use some PMA and <hugs> today.
WAH-MLCer "seems" to be punishing me by not communicating, or when he does, its w/profanity & I've done something wrong, again.
I know he has his followup dr. appt in the morning and he has to be worried about it, especially since he has HAD to cut out his vodka intake, completely.
Trying my best to GAL, had a business event this weekend & due to ill parent's health a friend drove that parent in town to see grandchild and my event. WAH-MLCer was livid that he was not told ill parent was coming. I didn't know, since ill parent's daily schedule changes from day to day.
Then WAH-MLCer asked me to take off work yesterday, so we as a family could have snuggle time w/child. I did, then WAH-MLCer proceeded to ignore me for the day completely. MIL thinks the friend/OW could be pressuring him...I'm not sure if she is still in the picture of not. I do know one of his guy friends is in town for business and this friend is not a reputable influence.
I am starting to have HUGE anger issues, again, but am trying SO VERY hard to "As If," when things are not. WAH-MLCer can't even kiss me...sex is just pure sex. At least, he hasn't been watching the porn on t.v., just old 80's programs.
<sigh>
Must focus on child & I.
hi maris,
how are you doing? i hope i get to hear from you before the holiday. i can remember last thanksgiving. it was so sad for me. we were separated. even though we were "friends" again, his heart wasn't there for me. he spent thanksgiving with his parents (the wicked witch of the south) and i wasn't too much into celebrating or much less giving thanks. i felt betrayed. i felt alone. i felt like what am i to be thankful for, my husband is M.I.A. for crying out loud!!! CAN'T ANYBODY HEAR ME? my hsuband left me! i felt so angry at the world. i didn't want to be around my parents at that time. i wanted to be home with the kids and just try to live comfortably. we spent a couple of hours at my parents that day but i just felt horrible inside. my husband would always make the turkey and i the rest. i missed him so much.............
present day:
i'm not sure why i don't feel like making the big feast this thanksgiving. i think i'm more excited that OUR family is back together than going all out to make lots of food that i'll regret i ate afterwards because my stomach will punish me for it. he's asking me for the dinner so i can't say no. i'm thankful for everything that i have now. it wasn't until a few months ago that i was completely satisfied with the way things were going. i hung in there. i didn't let go of our marriage.
be there for him. he's an alcoholic. he needs support. this is a disease he can't control unless he has support.
Mary,
So good to hear from you!!!
Like you our holiday is different this year too. You made me stop, think and reflect, realizing how far WE have actually come in the past year. There is ALOT we can be gratefull for.
I don't feel like celebrating either. WAH-MLCer is going to the deer lease(suposedly) and not wanting to spend it with us. He still hasn't spoken to his Mom in over 4months and no longer wants anything to do with his sibling. His latest comment is he doesn't like the holidays and never has. (he better not be scrouge at X-Mas; child is SO looking forward to it)
I regret I feel that I'm starting to backslide w/my DB'ing. I have this fear that friend/OW is still somehow in the picture, but can't confirm. Why can't I let go of this issue & let WAH-MLCer deal w/his own demons?
He is off to a HH later when I return from work (child's school is closed today) and is upset I am not able to leave my second job early...I sweetly replied that if he supplemented my $$$ I could quit the second job - no reply.
This HH is an annual event that I have not been included with and due to the "friends" involved, don't really want to. Just hope/pray friend/OW is not there, but will bet she is.
I sent the following e-mail message to WAH-MLCer yesterday; felt the need to - things were too status quo.
Have not a clue where I am going with this e-mail,
too many thoughts rambling in my head and feelings
in my heart, so here goes:
I am sorry that you haven't been feeling well.
I am sorry that you are having whatever medical issue
that has caused you to cut back on your drinking, because
that means it is serious.....
Thank you for letting us go to the deer lease this past weekend.
Thank you for taking child and I out to dinner last night and
giving child a bath for me. It helped me out SO much.
Thank you for being around; trying for us to be a family.
I still care for you and love you - wish you would kiss me.
There are those moments when I want to tell you that I love you
and that everything will be good, but I am afraid to tell you.
I love to watch/hear you and child read & play and how child
responds to you. (it warms my heart)
There are times I want to call you during the day, but I'm hesitant,
because it feels that I am a bother to you.
I want to touch, hold, smell and make love to you but I feel your distance and I am lost.
<sigh>
Interpret this e-mail however you decide.........
-----------
Of course, no response, but I feel better for having sent it.
Current concern I have is that WAH-MLCer is slipping back into his old drinking habit. He quit cold turkey for two weeks, then started to add a beer or two here and there. Now since the weekend it has been some wine. Then when he was out w/guys last night and tonights HH, who knows.
Must detach...must detach....
Will someone please help me refocus?
Thank you to all of you...
Hugs to you Mary, where ever child and I end up tomorrow, we will have a toast/cheers in "Our" honor for our family accomplishments and be thankfull for the moment now.
Journaling:
Thanksgiving was better than last year, at least.
WAH-MLCer actually came home Wed. evening early from the HH that I was so concerned about. He even brought take out for us. Still doesn't negate the fact that I believe friend/OW was there.
Thanksgiving, he actually spent the morning w/child and I, we had a family meal and then WAH-MLCer left for the deer lease. (supposedly)
After being burned soooo many times, I have a hard time believing him and that is my issue/problem.
A few txt messages and a well placed call here and there...ugh, I hate being the stable sane one. When is it my turn, or at least when will the time come for me to have a choice for it to be my turn or not?
There is also an indication on a friend of a friend's myspace that WAH-MLCer and friend/OW are still involved. There was a bulletin about GFs and questions pertaining to your top 8 GFs. The way this friend of a friend answered one of those questions, was that the friend/OW would do anything for her, unless my WAH-MLCer happened to call with last minute plans.
Funny how the friend of the friend let this bulletin remain posted just long enough for me to see and then retracted it. Unfortunately, I didn't have the where with all to print the page or copy, paste and save it.
Damn my WAH-MLCer and his MLC - wish I could give him a swift kick in the A## to shove him out of this tunnel.
Today, WAH-MLCer is indicating that he will either be returning late this evening or early in the morning from deer lease. My reply was it would be nice if he returned this evening so he could take child to school in the morning. That I have been w/child for four days, not being able to work on new business and I could use a break. BUT, if he felt that he still needed to be gone, fine, I would still be the one staying behind taking care of everything. However I will require his help by picking child up from school tomorrow.
I don't think I wouldn't mind some much of WAH-MLCer pulling this stuff, if actually would help me out more financially. Here I am working two jobs, juggling child, our issues and started a business. WAH-MLCer was basically born w/a silver spoon in his mouth and doesn't REALLY work. Why would any spouse with that freedom not be willing to share it with their partner?
This has been going on since we married, but is now a REAL issue since child came into the picture.
Thanks for letting me vent....
Child is down for nap and I should go and clean up the house. We did have fun decorating for X-Mas. I even asked child if child wanted Daddy to come home and child said no. Amazing what WAH-MLCer is passing up on. We can not go down this path again w/child, child only grows up once......
Journaling...
WAH-MLCer did return home from deer lease sometime yesterday. AND said he would pick up child.
Downside is we have this agreement to pick up child between 4-4:30pm. He didn't pick child up until 5pm, after he had been hanging out with a guy friend at the local bar.
I just don't understand why he puts friends before family, should have seen it sooner, since our M has always been that way.
Sour note...I went to borrow WAH-MLCer's hairbrush and noticed long brown hair strands. Kinda odd since we three are natural blondes. AND of course, not of the guys at the deer lease have long brown hair....
This on top of the myspace friend of a friend bulletin & retraction has me on edge. Plus, when he tried to wake me up at 4am for sex and I asked for a kiss or two, he completely stopped and left the bed for the sofa.
Attempting to contact and meet with a minister of the church that we are looking into.
I need help drawing a line for myself and child. I don't want to continue being treated as just for sex. I want a touch, a kiss, etc.
Child also doesn't need to be exposed to this type of father either. I feel that child should be raised in a loving, warm and supportive environment.
How do I handle the fear of possibly making the wrong decision when it also includes affecting the future of an innocent little one?
Advise?
Journaling...
Held off from having "A Talk."
Chose to As If.
WAH-MLCer took child and I to dinner last night and I could see how hard it was for him to be out to dinner as a family, rather than as a single person socializing, drinking, etc.
Since his reduction in alcohol, and I say reduction due to the fact he is drinking a little wine and beer again, I think he is also not taking his ADD pills.
We made it home and he went off to the bar(supposedly) for a couple of hours, returning about 10pm. I guess it was good that he removed himself from the environment that he couldn't handle, rather than staying and helping me/child and possibly loosing his temper.
This is one heck of a RC ride....
Yesterday, I was seriously planning to get off, today, I feel that I am still fighting for a family and this friend/OW who is still somewhere in the picture is of no importance. She doesn't have the history w/my H or the child. I am in the right, this is our family that I am fighting for.
WAH-MLCer is better than where he was last year with child, even though he is far from being a good father/spouse rather than just doing the basics. I still have that little glimmer of hope that is carring me through today.
Have determined that I will make a hard choice/decision at the beging of the new year. Until then, I will evaluate day to day.
Journaling...
Reached a breaking point with WAH-MLCer. Told him last night he had to make a decision to either be a part of this family or not. If he was still seeing friend/OW then he need to leave this family.
All he kept repeating was; "Thats not the decision."
WTF?
Plus, he had a bad day and was not going to the church inquires class, he doesn't believe in church, doesn't care about child's future education, blah blah blah.
He commented that his personal life is his and not by business, that I have not supported him and hence I am not in the loop.
I replied -
1st I was going to the class, because regardless of my belief, our child's future education is more important, even more imporant than us.
2nd, I have supported him, but he doesnn't have the right to choose who his child can see and visit that are his family. It will be child's choice as child ages.
3rd, I have never been in his inner circle, friends have always come first, he has never let anyone in, even his prior GF before me had told him that.
WAH-MLCer replied that he did let someone in - meaning the friend/OW. What I know, that he doesn't see, is that she was using him and what feelings he had were due to his MLC being the catalyst.
Either way, it is another day and child is priority.
Same old stupid issues and arguements...
Must detach and rise above his MLC.
hi maris,
it sounds like you're tired of his BS!!! and you should be.
for him to tell you "he did let someone in" meaning OW, then by all means he needs to go. why do you want someone like this? ask yourself.....why do you want to continuously take care of a jobless, selfish, cheating, drunk? your child does not need this. all your child will remember is you being sad all the time, daddy not being home, daddy drinking. the time has come to stand up and say what you mean. even if it hurts! put YOURSELF first not him. he's not helping you financially - what kind of man is that? obviously he doesn't have YOU as his priority much less your child.
it's good that you told him to leave if you/kid weren't in the picture. he needs a wakeup call. perhaps changing the lock will wake his @ss up! so he doesn't come back, what then? will you be without his financial support? he's not even helping now, no biggie on that part. you'll be without affection. he's not even doing that! no sex. we, as women, can do without for a while. i've heard of this wonderful invention for women. you can "use" it in the privacy of your own home. no instructions required.
you're getting tired of him. same ole excuses. same BS. eventually you'll wake up and say "i need a man in my life. not this free loader who doesn't even pleasure me"
until then, my prayers are with you. stay strong! you're a business women, single mother (he's not in the picture), and i'm sure you're a fun person to hang around. a couple of mexican martinis will leave all man problems behind.
take care.
Mary,
Thank you for being such a support. You are right, I am getting tired. I just keep thinking today is better than where it was a year ago, I am in the right, so DETACH and let him hang himself.
Love your idea of our invention for ladies....My GFs have always been shocked at what I know and what things are. I'm sorta like that one on Sex in the City who is sexually promiscuous, but I'm not at all. Just knowledgable on the toys and no one would ever guess it, or about my piercings. :-)
Yes, I do need a MAN in my life and child's. One that can stand up and take control, rather than be a wuss. BTW, can't change locks, MIL & I talked about it....WAH-MLCer can pick locks, plus he would just break in, causing more damage for me to deal with.
What WAH-MLCer still doesn't realize that when he thinks he let friend/OW in, that it was real, when it fact it wasn't. It was due to the situation and the illusion from the MLC.
I promise, I will make it to the Austin area sometime and we can catch up. WAH-MLCer owes me B-Day gift from over a year ago and I'm thinking about "cashing it in" when the time is right.
JOURNALING NOW...
Thursday, made it home from work and WAH-MLCer was in a mood. Child was crying and I told child I had not signed up for a whinning child...WAH-MLCer said he hadn't signed up to be married to a B$%ch. My reply, I hadn't signed up to be married to a dead beat husband who lived off his family's money.
:-0
Boy did THAT feel so good to finally say out loud.
A few moments later, WAH-MLCer asked who xyz was and if child had been spending time with "his sibling." I replied, not to my knowledge. He kept repeating the question and I kept replying the same....When my MIL is watching child for me, because WAH-MLCer is not around, I can not control if child sees other relative.
WAH-MLCer then said fine, he would let our child be around whom ever he choose then. I was holding child and said to child; friend/OW (saying her name) is a B#$ch. WAH-MLCer said she was at least smart. My reply:
I was just as smart and had he told this friend/OW about his first A, how he treatment me when I was pregnant, how he treated child and I when child was born and about all of his drinking?
Boy did that ALSO feel good to say out loud too...
WAH-MLCer didn't say a word. He left shortly to go watch the football game that was on on, somewhere. Finally, I felt good that if he never game back, so be it.
After taking care of child and pets, I settled down after a bath to watch a little tv at 10pm. WAH-MLCer was home about 11pm and made the snide comment that he was surprised I was still up and proceed to bed.
I joined an hour later, he had taken an ambien, again, and was snoring loudly.
Not sure what or why, but at least when we had sex this time, I began to feel a small connection between us, even though there was still no kissing.
Friday was a somewhat better day and no more arguements until today. We took child to get an X-Mas tree Friday and brought take out home. Saturday, we went as a family to a local parade and had lunch as a family, prior to WAH-MLCer going to run errands late Saturday afternoon. Saturday morning was an issue, but we worked through it.
WAH-MLCer keeps complaining about being "stuck" in town, how bored he is and there is nothing to do. It was a HUGE inconvience to attend a school open house this afternoon for child, but at least he made it. Rather than standing me up like the last one.
He kept saying it was a Mom job to go to these things and he already knew the school since he grew up in this town. My reply was we are doing this as a family and there will be other Dad's there. He replied the wussy ones.
Some how the conversation turned to jobs and how I need to find a REAL job. My reply, "we" could both look for real jobs together.
Ugh...what a jerk.
He is back at the bar again, with who knows whom. The party that is tonight, he had me rsvp at the last minute yesterday and now, we aren't going. Instead, we are supposedly decorating the tree with child tonight. In part, I believe he is trying to punish me for not really wanting to "service" him an hour later, after we already had fun together the first time this morning.
He keeps saying he shouldn't have to give instructions, it should just flow, and if I don't like the feel, taste, smell or texture of something, "I'll get over it." What an A@@.
Thankfully I have a meeting with the preacher this week...maybe it might help me with some of my personal concerns, etc.
Still praying daily and could use a hug and PMA.
I still keep thinking that this MLC of his began about the spring/summer of 2003 and keep hoping it will end soon.
<sigh>
At least we are having more family moments and time than a year ago. I just wish he and I could have sometime for us. I couldn't tell you the last time he and I went out to dinner, HH, or anything alone w/out child. It's as if he is afraid.
Thoughts?
what is it with the kissing thing? My H will have sex with me but will not kiss me. I try and he will just give me pecks. I hate this!!
theotherhalf
Like you, I am sooo confused on it.
I have thought either he is still involved physically and/or emotionally w/friend/OW, OR he can't kiss me, knowing what he has done.
Like you, I can get a few pecks here and there, but not the holding and kissing like we had years ago, or the kissing for foreplay. Everything seems to be just about sex and his taking for pleasure.
He does let down his guard at night when he sleeps and is holding and snuggling more than he did.
This re-affirms to me that he is still in the MLC.
<sigh> One day at a time....
Thoughts anyone?
Journaling...
Well it has been a week and I have had many ups & downs. WAH-MLCer still will not kiss me, but at least he doesn't turn away or flinch when I give him pecks.
One step at a time.
Big down was when WAH-MLCer called me at work last week and said he didn't know why he was having a problem w/this, could use some help picking up child, and that he was 15minutes away from going into a funeral of someone we both new.
I was shocked that I hadn't been informed, nor his family.
Basicaly, WAH-MLCer still had to pick child up - no one else available and I was working 2nd job. Later I told WAH-MLCer that I did not appreciate him making the decison for me about attending the funeral and that he was not to do that, ever again. He replied that it was not my place and I hadn't been invited, besides, I wasn't really friends w/that person. WTF???
I might not have been close friends, but I had know the person for about 17 yrs and that person had been to our rent house many many times. UGH!!!
Other downs are when WAH-MLCer would say he would be gone for an hour and actually be gone 2hrs. Saying he would be home in 30 and not home for 90 minutes. Little things like that.
Good notes:
We are going w/child to see X-Mas lights w/another family.
WAH-MLCer and I joined a church - even though it was mainly for child's future education. At least WAH-MLCer is being re-exposed to christianity again. Hard part for me is that the church we chose is way different than the religion I was raised in. Keep telling myself that this is for the good of my child, family and WAH-MLCer.
WAH-MLCer spending more family time...
Keep reminding myself that just one year later, things are better and I must keep detaching at the same time keep expectations at zero.
I must keep detaching at the same time keep expectations at zero.
Yes -- this is the key. Great job!
Journaling....
WAH-MLCer was in a MLC mood last night. Kept complaining about being bored and nothing to do. He wasn't helpfull w/child, basically ignored, except when child asked for daddy to play. BUT then it was only for the period of time that daddy wanted to play - JERK.
I detached and hovered in the back ground to see how child was doing and stepped in to handle the basics (dinner, bath, etc.)
Created my own speed bump.
WAH-MLCer left a medical bill out for me to pay and I said I wasn't paying, he replied for me to throw it away and I did.
WAH-MLCer changed our health insurance a year ago so our premiums would be less, deductible went up to 3K or 5K, can't remember. The money saved on the premiums was to be set aside to cover the expenses, but WAH-MLCer has been pocketing it or drinking it, etc.
SO - being his dependant, and having had medical "checks" due to his affairs, I have not a problem with the invoices being sent to him. As I see it, that is the "Dad/Husband's" job. Maybe if I have my brain in gear next time, I can remember to mention that. Especially since he keeps telling me that certain things are a Mom's job. (only because his mom didn't work and had to do everything as well - his dad was an alcoholic too)
Must detach!!!!
hi mariS,
sounds like you're grabbing your "cojones" when it comes to your money. Atta girl!!!!
I'm sure he would do the same thing if he were the provider and the man of the house. you're taking care of everything even if he is at home. he's making you feel like crap. making you pay for everything. WTF! where are his "family jewels"????
take care of you first not him. he's a grown man. spend more time with your child than him. go out and enjoy the holidays even if he's not around. your child is seeing you stressed out, how do you think he/she feels? kids know when a parent is neglecting them. you don't have to force your husband to stay home if he doesn't want to. that only makes him go out more.
what i don't understand is this. you say he's done this before and that he's never been an actual "family man" like you wanted him to be. what makes you think he'll change now? he cheats. he lies. he's a bum! he probably makes you feel less of yourself (i'm bored, you're not the same, etc etc)...what about YOU? you are a strong woman taking care of your child/finances/work/family. who's taking care of you in all of this?
Have faith in God. He is the only one that can guide you in the right direction. If your intuition tells you to stop worrying about your husband and move on, then so be it. you don't want to live like this for too long, do you? don't you want someone to take care of you sometimes? someone to actually make YOU feel important. someone to love you for who YOU are. you can't fix a broken stick. if he's always been this way then he's not ever going to change for you. the only thing you can do is LIVE.
love what you have now. love that you and your child have your health, a home, food, a job. this man is not the only man in the world. in fact, i know there's someone out there that's just right for you. you may not know of him just yet, but i'm sure God has his reasons. you have to find it in yourself - trust in Him always. by hanging on to this heartbreaking marriage, you may be blocking something wonderful! don't be sad during christmas. christmas is the most wonderful holiday. without the birth of Christ, where would we be? don't let this person ruin your happy moments with your child. maybe you could spend time with your family. be around people that care about you. don't let his negativity keep you from moving forward.
i'm sending nothing but love here. i don't like to see good hard working mothers suffer over a man with issues.
especially one that doesn't provide for his family!!!
STAY POSITIVE.
Mary,
Thank you for your post.
Things went way S last night & WAH-MLCer didn't come home. There are ALOT of things going on in his life that I know about, but don't discuss.
Yes, you are right, but I don't know why I keep hanging on.
Has been a rough day and I need to leave for second job. Hope to have the strength to journal tomorrow...
12-27-07
Journaling....
Still trying 2 survive WAH-MLCer's MLC,the holidays & his B-Day.
WAH-MLCer blew up last week, we had an arguement, accusing me of many things, repeating he doesn't care, I'm not the one he wants to be with, blah, blah, blah. (Guess friend/OW is pressuring)
I kept reminding him that I was not "using" child against him like he thinks, & everyone else (probably friend/OW) BUT that I was fighting for our family. Trying to keep the door open so WAH-MLCer doesn't miss out on the joys(and pains) of having our child and the pleasure of raising child.
Needless to say, he didn't come home that night. BUT, the next day he acted as if nothing ever happened and things were normal. Then on his B-Day, he was pretty much MIA. However, he did spend the rest of the weekend & X-Mas holiday with child & I at rent property.
Naturally, I did all the work, cleaning, taking care of child, cooking, shopping, etc. WAH-MLCer was hot & cold, but at least he was better than last year. <sigh>
I did confirm last night while WAH-MLCer was at the bar, again, that he did have keykatcheron our computer at the house. Ugh!!!
Over the next week, I plan to remove it & see what he does. It is not a software program, but a device that was attached between the harddrive & the plug for the keyboard. Very discreet & sneeky...
One good funny I did have over the holiday is I caught WAH-MLCer red handed looking at my cell phone. I pretended that I hadn't noticed & didn't bring the subject up. Plus, every time my phone beeped w/a txt, he would comment on it, so I muted it for the holiday. (heee...heee....)
On a sad note, WAH-MLCer is back to drinking Vodka again.
It is VERY hard for me to keep quiet when I have sooo many questions for WAH-MLCer and what to share sooo many thoughts, dreams, concerns and opinions w/him.
Then out of left field last night, after we went out for dinner, WAH-MLcer's suggestion due to all of my cooking, he made an unsettling comment.
WAH-MLCer stated that he was seriously thinking about following up with a realtor in the new year to move somewhere colder. I replied "okay."
Then I proceeded to "As If" the topic was about us moving as a family and asked child if child would like to see snow, learn to skate and ski.
Guess WAH-MLCer believes that with move, he can have a fresh start or a do over. BUT doesn't realize that it will not solve his battle within himself. Something that we have all learned here.
This IS a very long process and I will admit during these past 9 days, I was on the verg of giving up. I keep praying multiple times daily for guidance, our family, for WAH-MLCer's heart to open up to me as well as thanking the Lord for what he has given me; my child & pets who are my life lines.
hi maris,
I hope you have a wonderful new year! whatever the circumstances, may God bless you with health, love, and most of all happiness. Keep your chin up....things could be worse
Take care.
MaryfromAustin,
First thank you to much for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I know I haven't been on the BB for some time, but no one is ever far from my thoughts or prayers. I hope to check in on your stitch tomorrow for my time is limited at the moment,
One day, we will meet........
Journaling
Since the New Year, it has been a very hard DB situation.
New Years was quiet, we stayed at home w/child and WAH-MLCer was asleep by 10:30pm. Alcohol and Ambien combination. Child & I went to bed together, in child's bed and were asleep by 11pm. I did transition to master later on.
WAH-MLCer, I think, is slowly starting to reconnect w/me. I don't feel the presence of another pulling him in a different direction. He is spending more time w/family & child, the way it should be. Plus, taking care more of his health, except for the increase in alcohol again.
Downside is now me.
I have these moments of anger and frustration for the path my WAH-MLCer has taken me and child on. It is so VERY hard not to let the "ugly me" retaliate or attack for WAH-MLcer's MLC.
I do my best to "Stop Think" as Laurie the DB coach taught me last year.
It is best when I keep busy and don't have time to focus on the multiple A's that WAH-MLCer had, how he treated me, as well as our child, or how he has and is still treating his parent and sibling. Those are his demons, NOT MINE and only the Lord can help me with my current anger issues.
Either way, I am hoping to shift to piecing soon, since that is where I feel I need to transition.
One thing I kept questioning about DB is the length of time. The book stated 1 month for every year of marriage. BUT, I think it is actually 1 month for every year that you have know or been involved with your S.
My only other waivering thought that I continue to have is if what I am doing is really worth it.
Am I doing this for me, child, us, our family or am I hoping to hear from WAH-MLCer an apology & that he was wrong. Honestly, I don't know, probably a combination of ALL.
Only thing I can do is take it one day at a time....when I look back and review the horrid path I have been on, I know that I am much stronger and if WAH-MLCer decides to leave again, I will actually help him pack!
hello maris,
how are you? i hope you are ok.
how are things going. haven't seen you since january......
Mary,
Thank you for checking in on me. I will keep my stitch short & summarized due to time.
It has been close to 2months since I logged in last. A LOT has happened in my life since then AND, I know realize why God had me fight so hard for my M.
It is with deep sadness that I lost my one remaining ill parent this past month, but I am good. We had a GREAT parent/daughter relationship and I have NO regrets....just those few questions and doubts. Yes, I was fortunate enough to be there with this parent, like my other and help take care of this parent as the spirit/soul left the body. I brought this parent back to their house from the hospital, hospice was becoming involved, just like my other parent, but my time was immensly shorter, not even a day.
My WAH-MLCer took care of our child while I was predominately out of pocket for two weeks. If I had not fought soooo hard for our M, I know this past period in my life would have been more difficult. Especially, since I am an only child and EVERYTHING is on my shoulders for me to do. (Child, WAH-MLCer, two jobs & new business too)
Also, I know that loosing my parent, to me, was easier than dealing with my WAH-MLCer's MLC, Affairs & drinking.
STILL taking everything one day at a time, WAH-MLCer still won't kiss & hold me like we use to. BUT, he does snuggle at night, and seems to finding his way, so I am still holding on.
Mary, I promise I have not forgotten you or the board. It is just this point in my life, I have to truly focus on me. On a good note, I have reached the point within myself, that if WAH-MLCer leaves, so be it. I am GOOD with myself and child.
Mary in Austin....are you still out there?
STILL sending you PMA and positive thoughts.
Touch base when you can.
Journaling
ALOT has been happening in my life and for once, I feel that I am in control. Gave one job notice, retained my client(2nd job) and business I started last July is doing good.
WAH-MLCer is ALOT better, compared to where we have been....
We actually went on a trip out of town for 24hrs to a sports event and had fun. I still and always will have trust issues, but I am getting better. WAH-MLCer still can't kiss me and/or hold my hand like we use to, or wear his wedding ring, but for now, he is home and for once, doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
Will continue to DB, GAL and 180.
I am at a point in MY life that I need to clean house, organize, re-structure and focus on my future. Not only for me, but for my child. Dr. and I are in continual communication about my ADs and it helps my anger/frustration issues as what WAH-MLCer has done. (Never mind what he has done to his Mother & Brother) WAH-MLCer definately has his demons and I am thankfull they are not mine...
Best yet, I am at the point within myself that if WAH-MLCer is having "another" A, or continuing with OW, then I am strong enough to say that is it, no thank you, I choose a different path
hello MariS,
Glad to hear you're getting better. There's nothing worse than feeling alone and depressed. Each and every day is a good day. Tell yourself....."today will be a good day" no matter what the circumstances. Take a deep breath and watch how God will lead you. I can't say how much I'm thankful for what happened to me. I was devastated, that's a fact! However, I've changed in so many ways. I actually like myself (except maybe a few pounds) but I like how I've managed to raise our kids on my own for over a year. I paid my own bills, I started my own business and BOOM! This business has grown dramatically. Can't say it's been easy but that's the fun part. Live and learn. Years ago I would've thrown my hands up and quit. I would've ran to my husband for help.
Life is funny. It hurts when things don't go the way we planned. We've got to be strong even though we just want to stay in bed and cry all day/night.
Stay strong. If you still don't feel comfortable around him and you just wish he would change back to the way things were, maybe the person that needs to change is you. We all want to change our spouses but maybe it's us that need change. The moment I changed my way of thinking and behaving, he noticed. He noticed I was independent. I ignored his needs. I ignored my true feelings while he was away. He saw a new woman. Take care of yourself. Keep moving forward. Life doesn't end because of a man. Look at Hillary...she was humiliated in front of the world (remember the "intern" and Bill)? Did that stop her from doing what SHE wanted to achieve? She's not that close to winning but she's not a quitter. That's the advantage women have. We get beat down to the ground by a man but we jump right back up and we keep moving forward. Why should we let a man run our lives?
Let God lead the way. If you force something that's not there then God does NOT want you to go that route. Trust your intuition. That may be God speaking to you.
hi mariS,
how are you? How is everything?