mrs,
My thread locked.... It was nice to hear from you. I was pretty nervous yesterday at court, but I held my head of high and I didn't shed one tear. I felt sad, but no tears.... I'm not sure why!
Good luck at the L's , just posted to you on your thread.
Maybe someone could send us both a miracle right about now- God are you listening?
Hugs,
K
K,
You did well, you giving H a smile is NO BIG DEAL...actually it showed that you are the better person! You are going to be ok...I hope I will do as well if/when my day in court comes!
Right now H is treating me like I am disposible!! Called 2 hours b/f he was supposed to pick up the girls to tell me he couldn't! I hate relying on someone and have them not follow through! My D4 was upset she was not going to see her dad.
H did stop by to pick up new ins cards...I am still attracted to him and when I see him I really miss him...how long does that take to get over??
I did find out OW is 23 yrs old...YUCK...he is almost 41!! supposedly she has kids...not sure....he hasn't picked up D for preschool all week like he is supposed to! When I ask him about it all he says is "sorry". not a real sorry but a too bad for you...deal with it!
H got new job and has 8 wks severance pay from former job...I think he should give me some since he keeps shorting me $$ each week...anyone have any ideas how to do this w/o taking legal action??
momof2girls,
When a H goes for a chick much younger than they are it is b/c these "college age girls" are always telling them how wonderful they are!! That is why- it's not love at all.... It is how these girls make them feel "special, important, sexy, intelligent"
So don't think for one minute your H is in love with this girl.
This A will end eventually! I worry more about my H's A b/c his GF of 2+ years is actually older than him! They have things in common and are on the same intelligectual level if you know what I mean! These young girls don't have a clue, but these MLCer's love the attention they get when they are with them.
To fight fire with fire-- be kind and interested in your H's life whenever you get the chance to see him. Don't go overboard with the kindness, but don't be nasty either. Let your H see you in a "new light". And don't forget you have your children, this is a bond you and your H will have for the rest of your lives. Your H won't have this with his GF, not unless they want to have kids together-- hopefully not! Huge age difference - she will probably grow tired of your H very soon!
Hugs,
K
I hope so! My H can't have anymore children. We have 2 and H has 2 with his first wife...he was neutered (HAHA) last year! Just when we had no more worries...whamo...gone!
I try to take interest in him but he won't really talk to me...waited two days to call and tell me about job...I had already heard it from someone else. I think he has distanced himself from me...maybe due to guilt. I am no longer talking about R or arguing with him...unless its financial.
We have been S about 3 months and he still has not moved anything but a few clothes out of the house...I think that is a good thing...maybe he is not sure what he wants?? Can't read into it...seems to only lead to disappointment! I want to talk to him about R so badly but I am not!
I checked his checking acct...750 taken out...could that be a retainer fee to file??
I hate knowing I am still attracted to him! Sometimes I think if I did not see him at all it would be better???
I really understand why his xW hates me so much....I am still hoping I was not an A!!
Just a quick note here ......... I have been thinking about this for a while now..........and this morning I told a friend. I think that I would be far more hurt if H and OW were to have child (or more) than I would be if H never came home. I guess this is because I don't EVER want my kids to feel second best....and if dad is going to have his new happy family...then our kids will have to miss out SO MUCH of their dad !!!
Sorry, hope that I didn't intrude in your convo ...it's just how I feel about this issue....
Hi C,
I understand your point completely!! I do have 2 stepsons who I love dearly but their mother has NEVER spoken to me (in 10 years!!) I am sure she feels like you do. I do not want to share my kids with any other woman EVER...I really feel for H's XW now b/c I know how she feels...
Unfortunately, My H is putting my D's second now! He decides he wants to see them when it is convenient....My older D is so upset, wetting her pants, asking for her dad all the time...my other D just turned 1 and he did not even show up at the birthday party.
Tell me again why I want my M to work???
Hi momof2girls.....thanks so much for understanding...wow, you have NO idea how much it means to me to have heard those words....
Sometimes I feel that the world just assumes that we will just easily hand-over our kids to the next woman in our H's lives but it just doens't work like that.
Have you ever seen the movie The Stepmom, with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon....it made me see both sides too....somehow though, I am not ready to accept having a 24 year old be a surrogate mother to my kids...especially one without morals...
I'm sorry, I sound harsh, I know, I don't intend to....your words really meant ALOT to me !!!! THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING !!! And thank you for understanding your H's xW now too.........I'm sure it would mean the world to her to know that she is being understood. MOM TO MOM....wife to wife ....you have a noble heart !
There is no way in he** I would ever send my kids to that red headed freak of his.
I find it odd that he has never said he wants to introduce kids to her. On the other hand, I forbade him to even bring them near her.
Although, I have threatened him that I would bring all three kids in to her office so they can see what the heck she looks like and how this would prove how sick he is.
My kids do not like what she has done to our family. They don't like what their dad has done either.
My H's xw never even wanted to meet me!! Can you imagine?? I would never want my kids in the presence of anyone I did not know! My H has said nothing about OW meeting kids yet...I am not bringing it up...if he does I am not going to allow it...we are still married for godsake!!
I am a very good stepmom and very close to my stepsons...they are devastated by what is going on!! I have known them since they were 2 and 4, they are now 14 and 11!!
OW is supposedly 23 and her thongs hang out and her shirts are too short!! I haven't seen her personally but many have!! I do not even think she and H go out. Just a booty call I guess!!
Why do H's want to leave the comfort and security of their home and marriage?? I have always been a very faithful wife and H never went without anything!! I was always there to take all the kids so he could play golf...I felt I was the one who could not do everything I wanted!!
Part of my GAL is to go out and have fun! I have been doing that when I can...but H is being selfish and only takes daughters when he wants...last night he said he wasn't taking them overnight (one hr b/f he was supposed to p/u) and I told him I had plans and he can't do this stuff at the last minute...his response was well I won't go to work tomorrow so you can go out! Sooo immature....he could have dropped them off in the morning....I am getting so tired...I have to get us up and out of the house by 7 am everyday by myself....one day reprive would be nice!
H is supposed to take them tomorrow...we will see!! started new job and has to train. lost last job b/c of ow....UGH
How did you and H meet ? Were you your H's OW ? (I hope that is not a rude question to ask you, I'm just curious...) Is his xw still around ? Have you ever tried to contact her ?
OOPS loads of questions !!! sorry!!!
K,
Just checking on you. Good for you yesterday in court. Dignity always shines through.
Cinders,
I met H through a friend. H was seperated and living at his mom's with a D pending...this is what I was told...I pray everyday that I was not OW...Knowing H's track record...who knows?? My C says that I was most likely not OW b/c we would not have lasted as long as we have!
We never had any marital problems..he just one day said ILYBINILWY...and out the dooor he went...the week b/f xmas.
XW is around...seen her many times over the years at functions for the boys...we don't acknowledge each other and she had tried to cause major problems between H and I in the beginning. She does not take the high road and is very vindictive. I would not contact her now...she would probably laugh at me and tell me I told you so...
H called a little while ago...supposedly p/u kids at 6 tomorrow for 2 hours...I asked him how his first day went and what he did...at the end of the very brief conversation I told him to have a good night..bye. Maybe killing him with a little kindness (180....)will make a little difference...at least with me! I still want to puke knowing OW is 23!!!
Hi KTF,
Where have you been ??? Are you ok ?! Thinking of you !!! xxxx
K,
You haven't posted in a few days, I hope everything is ok. Thinking of you also!
K, Where are you?????? We are missing you!!!!!
Ok K,
You are getting me really worried! Where are you??? You are in my thoughts and prayers, I hope you are ok!
K-,
what's up with you these days? How are the girls? Are you GAL??? I bet you are!
just wanted to check in with you.
j-
25ymlc,
I'm doing well, thanks for checking in with me. I was just reading Hannahsmom's thread- you gave her some wonderful advice. All things that I needed to hear again. You truly are an inspiration!
I am heading to Florida on Thursday with d15 and d18. D7 is already down there, she left last Friday with H, my 2 stepkids, and MIL. ( at least he didn't take skank-ho with him!) Ow told MIL that she was jealous that they were going to Florida without her, but she couldn't justify going b/c her boys were off from school for the week!! WTF?? This is coming from a woman who left her kids with her xh and btw are teenagers now so why would she feel the need to stay home for them?? I'm not sure I buy her reasoning!
H and I made arrangements for me to pick d7 up on my way down. We are going to see my parents for a week. I am looking forward to getting away for awhile with the girls. I also am feeling sad as this is the first vacation H, I and the kids have taken separately since our break up. Going to Florida was something that we did every year as a family, now this has all changed so it's hard. I miss d7 so much since she left b/c she has never been away from me for more than 2 days. It makes me angry that I have been put in a situation- it isn't right nor is it fair! My H is such an a** for chosing this way of life for our child.
H is still living with Ow, stinks like he is now a smoker-Yuk!, still treats me like I am his enemy -- cold and distant. Last week was d7's 1st Penance at our Church. H did come with MIL ( Ow didn't come) , we sat together with d7. The Priest talked about forgiveness and sins, how ironic- while H sat there acting all smug and innocent. I was upbeat, pleasant and made small talk with him and MIL. When it came time to give signs of peace to one another, H turned to me and gave me a quick and very businesslike hand shake, with minimal eye contact! He's such a jerk. When we walked d to do her confession, H and I stood outside the room alone for a few minutes. I didn't know how to act or what to say , so I said " Boy, she sure is growing up, isn't she?" H said "Yeah, she is- I remember when this church was first built , she was just a baby." I just listened to him and that was about it. It was ackward and uncomfortable. Afterwards there were refreshments out in the gathering area. I mingled and talked with the other parents, whilst H and MIL stood off to the side. H doesn't really know any of the other parents b/c he isn't really involved with d's school like I am.
I saw him glancing at me out of the corner of my eye. He didn't stay long, came over and said goodbye to d7, but not to me. I gave MIL a kiss goodbye and told her to have a safe trip to Florida. I then said goodbye to H. If I wouldn't have said goodbye he would of said nothing to me. I don't know why he hates me so much.
The next morning H called the house to talk to d7. I answered the phone b/c I needed to ask him a question regarding the Florida trip he was taking d on. H was very short with me , answered my question and then said can I talk to d! I hurts when he has to be so mean. After d's Penance I would have thought he may be a bit nicer to me, but I guess I was wrong.
Other than that, I am doing pretty good. The girls are well and looking forward to Spring. I have been working out at the gym and keeping busy.
How is your family? I hope all is well...
Hugs,
K
Just got back from shopping. I got a few things for Florida for me and the girls.
D15 called me this afternoon from her dad's house and she told me that she called d7 in Florida. She called her stepsister's phone and d7 answered it. D15 said that she could hear them all in the background while she was talking to her sister. I don't know why my stepd wouldn't have answered her own phone. I have a feeling that she didn't answer it b/c she knew it was her stepsister and she is afraid of upsetting her dad! I hate that H has contol over their R. Stepson did tell d7 to say hello to d15 though! I guess he isn't so worried about upsetting his dad as his sister is! I could tell d15 was hurt b/c her stepsister didn't say hello or answer her own phone!
The sun is shining here and it turned out to be a beautiful day!
I feel good right now b/c I worked out at the gym and have decided that I'm gonna get in good shape for summer. H will eat his heart out when he sees me in my skimpy clothes all summer when he comes over to pick up d7!!
The best Revenge is SUCCESS!! Let him know he has lost a good thing... and if he doesn't well, too bad that's his problem!
K
Goodmorning all!
I am off to work today. Trying to work as much as possible this week to keep my mind occupied while d7 is in Florida with H.
Just stopped for gas- geez, it is really get up there $$$$!
K
Goodmorning K!
I hope you have a good day at work!
I was looking for the thread/posts you mentioned to me yesterday but I forgot which ones they were. Can you tell me again because I really wanted to read them since I am feeling so hopeless.
Thanks!
mrs,
Go to the MLC resources and scroll down to the bottom of page 1. It is called rummaging through the archieves by Smurf.
Well, I didn't get the support check again today! I bet anything that H never intended to give it to me before he left for his vacation! I can almost guarantee he didn't have the money to give me b/c he wanted to take it with him on his trip!
I asked him for it and he paused and got kind of short with me. Now I know why- b/c he was lying to me about putting it in the mail!
I am really ticked off about it. I have bills to pay and he doesn't give a damn..... He is such an emotional coward about everything. Can he ever tell the truth?
It's pathetic.... I really don't trust anything that he says anymore.
K
KTF..
He is such an emotional coward about everything. Can he ever tell the truth?
It's pathetic.... I really don't trust anything that he says anymore.
That is EXACTLY how I feel. I don't expect anything. But I will not jump through a hoop when he tells me the truth, either. That is what he is SUPPOSED to do.
Oh, KTF..I know what it's like to rely on the Alien for money. It totally sucks. I know..we are lucky to get the dough but you know what? I would rather not have his blood money. I can't wait to get my teaching job and not be so reliant on him anymore. Tell him to stick his cash where the sun don't shine so he can't have a hold on me anymore.
They are such emotional cowards at times. I know. They get angry when you are right. He got defensive because he was guilty. It's all so predictable.
Hang in there, girl..Better days ahead!!
Big hugs!
MTN,
Thanks for stopping by, if I don't have the check by tomorrow I am going to call him and ask in a pleasant tone - "I never recieved the support check, just wondering if you mailed it out last week like you said you would?"
I have to pick up d7 on Friday ( she is with her dad until then)
Do you think I should tell him that I will expect the money then?
I don't want to be a b*tch about it, but he is going to keep taking advantage of me if I don't stand up for myself.
K
Thank you K for letting me know where the posts where. I don't even remember reading them before, but apparently I did since I bumped it up in December. LOL
I think when you meet up with your H in Florida you should ask him for the money. Don't worry about being a b*tch. It is something you are entitled to and your H knows darn well he is supposed to pay it. It's not your problem if your H doesn't have much money.
I am lucky, actually b/c we still share money, but even when we stop, the gov't here will actually garnishee the amt of child support directly off his paycheque and do a direct deposit to me. Thank goodness I won't have to go through all that bs. Even though my H is actually behaving well, he is very absent-minded.
Love to you, K--we are in such a similar place, as are so many others.
PS. to MTN--I liked what you said about the truth. yeah, H actually told me the truth about something today and I was so happy, but you're right--it's actually normal behaviour for normal human beings. Huh--I've kind of forgotten what that's like.
mrs,
I just read 25 ymlc's post to you- she is so knowledgeable and wise when it comes to all this MLC stuff! It helps me so much when I read her posts.
Wonder how she would handle it about the child support check situation? How can you ask for it, but not be a nag in these MLCer's eyes?? Not to meantion that they lie about mailing it out too...
K
K,
Sometimes I think they want us to ask because then it looks like we are nagging and then they have their valid reason for hating us. Does that make sense?
Maybe I am just over thinking.
I do like what 25 posted to me. I have to go back and reread it a few more times.
mrs,
I think that too. H is just waiting for me to call him and ask where the support check is so he can say I am a b*tch or being a nag.
So what do I do let him take advantage of the situation and have my bills be late? This is all so confusing
K
K,
I would tell him in the nicest way possible "H, I know money is a little tight with you at the moment, but I really would appreciate that check. I don't mean to bug you about it, it's just that I have bills that have to get paid".
Does he just give you a check, it has not been put thru the courts or anything?
lisset,
Yeah, he just gives me a check every other week when he gets paid. We don't have a legal agreement yet. He is always good about making sure I get it, but the past few times it has been a week late.
K
mrs,
I said that to him when I asked him to put it in the mail before he left. I said I had bills that needed to be paid before I left for my vacation. Obviously it went in one ear and out the other.
I will say it nicely, but I don't want him to think I am being a nag about it. My GF said that if I don't say anything he will think he I am a doormat and he can just do whatever he wants.
I hate all this sh*t! I feel this sadness in the pit of my stomach whenever I think about the way H treats me. The love for me he once had is gone- I am not a priority in his life anymore. I want to figure out a way to change this- so H is chasing me and wanting me in his life....
K
K,
I think you have to ask for it if you need it. Ugh, it really sucks. When will it be legalized?
How about, "H, I know you're really busy and having fun. Just a little reminder that I really need your child support before I go away. Thanks!"
You miserable, SOB grrrrr [don't put that in, lol]
Nicola
I just left H a VM about the support check. I said " Hi H, I am just calling to let you know that I haven't rec'd the child support check yet. I know when I spoke to you about it you said you would put it in the mail before you left on vacation, but I haven't gotten it. I'm not sure if you forgot. If you put it in the mail now I won't get it before I leave so maybe I could get it from you on Friday when I pick d7 up. I have some bills I need to pay so I really do need the money if you can give it to me on Friday when I see you that would be good. Thanks alot.
I hope it sounded okay. I am really p*ssed off that he was so inconsiderate about not mailing it like he said he would, but I was pleasant on the message. I wanted to tell him off, but I didn't!
No matter how I sounded I am sure H will turn it around to make me out to be a pain in the arse!
K
K,
Yay!! You are not dead! You were Not killed by a bulemic raging prune faced OW or cowering H!! Oh joy!!
Well, The answer about "asking for money" of WAH ("allowance, dad?") is to get it from the court system so they automatically deduct it from his paycheck. The government and military are not the only entities that do this. No way should we have to ASK for money to feed HIS/OUR children. Absurd. I would not want to have to ask or hope or worry or whatever, that he might not live up to his word....hello??? Yep, you have to make a motion in court to do this and I don't know NY law (except it's hard to prove fault there). In some states you just show a notarized copy of the divorce decree/property settlement, or interim support order, and bingo, it works. You can also probably do it through his work, which HE will love....But I do know you have more power in this sitch than you realize. My sister thought the idea of her ex writing out the check each month would make her feel good. But ow wrote the check and that did NOT feel good. In fact, when the check was sent one month late and her ex/ow were in arrearages, OW wrote a "nice note" about how short they were on cash then, what with the birth of THEIR baby and all.....
So she gets it straight from the gov now. That's what I think I'd do. Anyhow, I posted on piecing and it looks as if I'm heading north this summer. I still worry, fret and find weird things trigggering painful feelings in me, not just anger. Part of me sees H differently and I am hoping he will do as he says and "make it all up to me"
"be the H I deserve," and things like that. He does say things I need to hear. I see d18 a bit more at ease with him, but I doubt she'll ever see him the same. Still, that doesn't mean she won't forgive him. I think she is working on that, but I know she tries not to have expectations of him and that breaks my heart.
All in all, I think the time apart has helped H to see the value of his family more. He says he is "lonely every single day and night." (I know, wth was he thinking??) He does not like being away from us, his kids and he really values my opinion on things. Asks for advice on HR issues, wacky patients, how Not to get sued, etc. So our friendship allowed him to feel comfortable and I still bite my tongue when he "discovers" downsides to being 3000 miles away....but we are moving toward each other, and not away. And we are keeping this house, empty for a while. I know it's very pricey to do, but I have to know I have an escape route for sunshine at least the first winter. Besides, if the streets are all filled with gold, what's the prob?
OMG, the other day a "certified letter" for "H, MD" came to the door. NOT a good sign when h is a doctor. So I go to Post office as H is on the tundra. I wait b/c postal worker goes at GLACIAL PACE and tells me, after I rang the bell, that I "woke him up." I swear. Anyhow, there is now a long line behind me and I am rattling my legal saber and getting my warrior lawyer armor on (mostly b/c suing H could take food out of my kids mouths, not to mention mine)...Finally, I get the letter and it says "IRS" and I say, out loud, "Thank God It's From the IRS!!" Postal worker says I'm first one to ever say that. I say, "This could be SOOO much worse."" Now, people in the line seem uncomfortable around me....and btw, it was a pretty nice letter, I mean, for the IRS.
Sorry to hijack, will post more later.
j-
25ymlc,
It was so nice to hear from you. No-- I am not dead, still kickin' here in Buffalo! Ol' prune face and H are still going strong too- unfortunately.
Although H went to Florida this week , took his kids and my MIL-- OW DID NOT GO WITH THEM...
Not sure why, just glad she stayed home. Wouldn't want my d around all that 2nd hand smoke- Yuk
It is normal to feel a bit nervous about your move up North- all that darkness and all
At least you will still have your house as you said to "escape" to if need be. I am glad that you and your H are moving closer together. That is wonderful news! All you can do is take it one day at a time.
I wish my H would feel the loss of his family, but so far no such luck. He is happy being a "Disneyland dad" for the time being.
Right now he is doing just that in Florida. I sure wish he would begin to miss me and start to dispise Ow for the loser that she is. Still no divorce. It is moving slowly now that H realizes all he is going to have to pay out.
I have been doing a lot of reflecting back to H and my M and many things have become more clear to me, especially about his R with my girls. It was like "walking on eggshells" around our house b/c I always wanted to keep the peace where H and the kids were concerned. I could tell you some stories- like how H would put labels on food in the frig that said "do not eat" b/c it was his food! You see H is a fitness fanatic and would prepare and buy things "just for him" and if the kids touched it - OMG it was the end of the world! If one of girls was in the bathroom getting ready for school in the am and H would wake up needing to use the BR all h*ll would break loose if he couldn't get right in! How I was expected to take the day off if H was going to be home for the day. If I had patients scheduled he would expect me to r/s them and stay home "in bed" with him. Not that I wouldn't have loved to do this sometimes, and many days I did ! But there were times that I really needed to go to work but would call in b/c I knew if I didn't H would be upset with me. I am the boss, but still I have a responsibility to my patients too. CONTROL FREAK! NEEDY!! Yeah, you could say that! All of these things would have to change if H and I ever did reconcile, but as it appears now H is no where near taking responsibility for anything that happened in our M. I am still to blame for everything!
Do I still love him anyway- I do. Wish I didn't , but I still do. I guess this is called unconditional love , isn't it?
Looking forward to leaving for Florida tomorrow. Me and the girls will be staying with my mother/grandma. Maybe I'll meet some cute poolboyz! Just kidding, I really have no interest in OM right now. My heart is still trying to mend.
It is sad about your d18's R with her dad, but I am sure given some time that will change for the better. Keep me posted on the move.
Hugs,
K
K-
Our H's are somewhat similar, only mine wasn't/isn't so controlling. BUT I was always trying to keep the kids quiet so as not to bother Daddy with their mere exsitence. His job was too demanding for him to be bothered with children, for goodness' sake!
Re. the bathroom: so funny! We have one bathroom upstairs and another in the basement, which we only use as a powder room. H was always telling me that he wanted to get to work early, or at least on time, so he needed to go first. Okay, I'd get up, get the kids ready, eat breakfast, etc, then--as I'm on my way up the stairs--I'd hear H make a run for the bathroom to get there before me!! I swear, this happened nearly every morning!
Why didn't I just get in there first and say to hell with him? I don't know. He's get mad if I did, but I was seething and late if I didn't.
Anyway, I won't be such a doormat in my next R.
Have a wonderful trip!
N
Hi K,
Just droppin' by to say hello and wish you a safe trip and a Happy Easter!
I am going to my parents too for the a few days. I will be back on Monday. What day are you coming home?
Dear K and Nicola,
An OBVIOUS need for at least 1.5 bathrooms in every house.... Both of you sound good and that you are getting "there". "There", is the detachment you are starting to feel. I posted to someone else about the Advantages of WAS actually being gone, which I'll repeat in a minute. Sorry if I'm repeating myself, K, I think I told you or Nicola some of this already, and I hate repeating myself. I said, "I hate repeating myself"....plus, I worry a little about the adjustments we made b/c he left, and the one we'll have to re-adjust when d9 and H and I are together. But here are the advantages and some of them are not so obvious Okay, your H is gone and you have kids. Now, You have the remote control, menu control, and ...without anyone questioning your appetite, you certainly can "have ALL of that" ice cream, chocolate, pizza, and if YOU feel like it, in Bed. Chick flicks are just fine thank you very much, no one leaves the toilet lid up, let alone a little messy, and last but NOT least, there is no jerk is mean to your kids!! No one else sees your credit card balance to know what you spent on shoes, make up, a new bf???.....Ahhh, life is good.
Seriously, for a long time that was all I had for GAL and PMA. But it did help. I posted to a guy ("Speedwagon" who really needs support and a reality check from women, btw). I said these things in "gender" reverse of course, though for the life me, what could possibly improve with OUR absence??? Okay, fine. They can have their Days long marathons of football/baseball/basketball/ golf, they want. (Ahem, I do love football, but I digress). And leave dirty dishes out until you've gone thru them all AND the paper plates too.
Although I am in "Piecing" and cross my fingers and heart about it (too wary even to say "Divorced Busted") often. I want to know the UNknowable, about the future, past, etc. But is Not possible and can wreck my PMA, GAL and ruins my enjoyment of life. I worry about this being a real reconciliation, down the road you guys will have those issues with a man, not necessarily hour H's. I mean, we never will KNOW what is in a man's heart or what the future holds. But we have to be alright with or without them, and I'm just a bit ahead of you at the moment. I am grateful to have the challenge of trying to piece, b/c I KNOW it beats dividing assets and planning holiday visits apart...so sorry guys, but, remember that this too, shall pass.
(hugs)
j-
25ymlc,
This too shall pass..... Hmmm
Right now I am having a bad moment, had a bad day! I just got done crying my eyes out.
I am leaving for vacation in the morning , just got home from picking up last minute things for the trip. I went down memory lane as I was shopping. Thinking about H and all of "our family vacations" that we have gone on together. The last time I packed for vacation it was with my H. I am missing him so much tonight! I just want my family back again and my H's arms around me again, but I know that this isn't going to happen now , if ever. I have no choice but to accept what life has dealt me. I hate this!
I used to look forward to our vacations, but tonight I feel like I would rather just stay home. Of course, I haven't let on to the girls b/c I don't want to spoil their vacation. I am acting like I am looking forward to it. Somehow I felt "safe" and "happy" when I had my entire family with me. Things are so different now and I feel lost. I really do...
I think I am going to go cry some more before the girls get home.
I don't want them to see me upset. I just want to call H and tell him how much I miss him, but I know I can't
K
K,
I am sorry you are so down. Do yo want me to call you?
K,
Don't you dare stay home! Is this your Florida trip? No ow, but will you have to see H? Look, just using my trip last year as an example. I know Italy costs a lot (not for Europe) and it is not necessary to go all that far. But try HARD to go somewhere you never visited before and that will be of great interest to you. I think the trip I took to Florence with the kids was the best thing I ever did for myself, and us. Got my mind off H, our M, and had a really good time with my kids. It seemed to cheer us all up and was a turning point. It "proved" we could still laugh and have fun and be "together", just us. "WE" were/are a family whether H was there or not. Could have been like H was at work. No matter. We now have so many memories together, and we've started to share them with H...no longer awkward for him to hear although he did say he wants to take me somewhere I have not gone before. If I recall correctly, Upstate New York has some places, Quebec is like Europe for half the price, btw. You might want to ask the older girls for their input. D18 and I planned the trip and so many nights spent on the trip, instead of obsessing, was such a blessing. Just made us all look forward to something and it was OURS...make sense?
Okay. 4 steps forward, 1-2 backwards...You are still moving forward K. Get your mind off that alien asap. You are a beautiful woman, you are smart, you like sex (that itself should be enough, right?), you like kids even when they're not your own, and you have a sense of humor. And you aren't wrinkled or stinky. Your H's choice to "love" someone else is HIS problem. Yes it hurt. But it does not have to do with you. A workshop (called Essential Experience, btw--best emotional work and most breakthroughs ever for me, H and I went together, later, and got some tools for handling what is going on with us now-who knew?--on and it helped us, I think it's still on the east coast as I helped form the group in Philadelphia, they have a website...anyhow--no, I don't get a commission and I am not recruiting!!)----wth??
ANYWAY---I met a very striking woman there, who projected a deep mourning sense of sadness. Turns out her h had left her and she wasn't moving forward. She was, in short, "stuck." The REAL fear she had was that if indeed she was such a good catch, why on earth would a man who knows her and once loved her, stop? Did that mean she was not worthy of love? Did it mean she would never experience it again? Did it mean their life together was an illusion? ALL of us have had those fears in some or all forms.
I got to know her. She was a cool artistic, very kind woman and became a good friend. Here's the deal. Her H f----- up. I mean, she WAS a great pkg and he just threw it away. Like hating a beautiful piece of jewelry is a matter of taste? I don't know. All I know is that she was exactly who we thought she was, and it was HIS perception that was off AND/OR just a stupid weak choice of his. Can't say. Can only help her know that her life was not an illusion, she indeed IS lovable, and would come to love again.
Same for you K, and MrsH. Your pain is deep but it is not fatal, and it is Not eternal. Each day that passes, you are one day closer to the healing being completed. Keep going.
j-
K,
Don't you dare stay home! Is this your Florida trip? No ow, but will you have to see H? Look, just using my trip last year as an example. I know Italy costs a lot (not for Europe) and it is not necessary to go all that far. But try HARD to go somewhere you never visited before and that will be of great interest to you. I think the trip I took to Florence with the kids was the best thing I ever did for myself, and us. Got my mind off H, our M, and had a really good time with my kids. It seemed to cheer us all up and was a turning point. It "proved" we could still laugh and have fun and be "together", just us. "WE" were/are a family whether H was there or not. Could have been like H was at work. No matter. We now have so many memories together, and we've started to share them with H...no longer awkward for him to hear although he did say he wants to take me somewhere I have not gone before. If I recall correctly, Upstate New York has some places, Quebec is like Europe for half the price, btw. You might want to ask the older girls for their input. D18 and I planned the trip and so many nights spent on the trip, instead of obsessing, was such a blessing. Just made us all look forward to something and it was OURS...make sense?
Okay. 4 steps forward, 1-2 backwards...You are still moving forward K. Get your mind off that alien asap. You are a beautiful woman, you are smart, you like sex (that itself should be enough, right?), you like kids even when they're not your own, and you have a sense of humor. And you aren't wrinkled or stinky. Your H's choice to "love" someone else is HIS problem. Yes it hurt. But it does not have to do with you. A workshop (called Essential Experience, btw--best emotional work and most breakthroughs ever for me, H and I went together, later, and got some tools for handling what is going on with us now-who knew?--on and it helped us, I think it's still on the east coast as I helped form the group in Philadelphia, they have a website...anyhow--no, I don't get a commission and I am not recruiting!!)----wth??
ANYWAY---I met a very striking woman there, who projected a deep mourning sense of sadness. Turns out her h had left her and she wasn't moving forward. She was, in short, "stuck." The REAL fear she had was that if indeed she was such a good catch, why on earth would a man who knows her and once loved her, stop? Did that mean she was not worthy of love? Did it mean she would never experience it again? Did it mean their life together was an illusion? ALL of us have had those fears in some or all forms.
I got to know her. She was a cool artistic, very kind woman and became a good friend. Here's the deal. Her H f----- up. I mean, she WAS a great pkg and he just threw it away. Like hating a beautiful piece of jewelry is a matter of taste? I don't know. All I know is that she was exactly who we thought she was, and it was HIS perception that was off AND/OR just a stupid weak choice of his. Can't say. Can only help her know that her life was not an illusion, she indeed IS lovable, and would come to love again.
Same for you K, and MrsH. Your pain is deep but it is not fatal, and it is Not eternal. Each day that passes, you are one day closer to the healing being completed. Keep going.
j-
KTF,
I know EXACTLY how you feel. You don't want to be too demanding because they will be mad but you don't want to be too submissive either. NPD to a tee.
The only thing that worked for me was the nice approach, I hate to say it. It practically kills me to have to beg for money.
I used to say,
You have always been so reliable when it comes to the money situation for the kids. When can I expect the check?
Short and sweet.
I got temporary support filed so I didn't have to deal with him. He still pulls this crap even with alimony but he knows I have the law behind me. They have to be held accountable, too. Even my XH thought he was above the judge. Most of them do. Feel as though they are victims. I am sure you know the drill.
Hang in there..I will post more later on today..
hugs,