Well the other night I told the wife rather than having to get a divorce and go through a custody battle for our daughter lets give counseling a try. Worst mistake ever, or rather I picked a bad one. This lady I don't even remember how I found her but by the end of the night she basically told my wife that her EA was justified and that even though he is 22 and she is 35 she sees no reason why it can't work out. It took every last bit of restraint I had not to blow up on this woman. I could barely contain myself. Luckily she knew I was upset and did not charge me for the session. Unbelievable though. Be careful which counselors you choose and read their reviews.
I talked to another one just yesterday who had good reviews and he flat out told me that he won't see couples where their is an ongoing affair. I told him that he was a smart man. I mean how in the hell are you able to get counseling and start working on your marriage if your spouse is unwilling to end their affair. It's impossible.
I don't want to quibble with you b/c your main point (lousy marriage counselors) is a valid one. There are some really lousy counselors out there, who ought to be called "divorce counsellors" instead of marriage counselors.
Anyhow, I just wanted to say that SOME couples do work on their marriages while an OP exists (and then sometimes, the OP goes away.)
Not all partners can end the A before they see change in their spouses...they fear that the spouse will simply revert back to their old ways if they give up the OPs.
And in some cases the LBS would not have changed except for the OP becoming involved in their marriage. Like for instance, as an example, MAYBE you would not work on yourself at all, until you heard of OM...
Just a thought. I hope you can find a REAL marriage counsellor asap. Ask them if they are "solution based" and that way you won't spend all your time rehashing the past...
Our MC said if we did not see any changes in our own behaviors and interactions within 5-6 sessions, he was not the MC for us.
I think that's a decent guideline and I'd add this to it---if you don't get ANY good feedback or useful constructive comments within the first 2 sessions, I'd seek out another counselor. And btw, I can vouch for the DB coaches here. I had Vernetta and she was a Godsend for me/us.
She was Very specific w/detailed advice that was useful for me.
Just make sure you tell them the WHOLE story and answer their questions in full. If there are conflicts between what you hear on this board and what your dB coach says, go with the coach. But make sure you are telling the same things to both entities. Make sense?
Good luck!
I have to agree with 25 here. Our MC basically has become a relationship coach for us.
My wife and I where seeing her last year, but my wife was lying to both of us and said she had gone no contact.
After my wife ran off with OM I called MC who said she was going to fire us because she realized my wife was lying.
When we started the collaborative divorce, the Divorce Coach a licensed Forensic Psychologist suggested several COUNSELORS for my wife. The reason was at that time I was really sticking to what I read in DB. The WW became conflicted me vs OM.
She ended up seeing our former MC as An IC. She began to cry her heart and soul out to the psychologist. Who has a list of references of couples whose marriages she saved and rebuilt after affairs.
About two months in my wife had already moved back home but was still in her A. She asked the counselor if she would see me as well. ( I began to slip because as soon as I felt a connection to my wife I began the pick-me dance). She agreed and said she calls this type of therapy Relationship Coaching. We are a separated couple attempting to live together and she wants to keep peace for the sake of our children, but she did tell my wife she is pro marriage and her ultimate goal would be that we reconcile.
( by the way we cancelled the divorce for now and where never "legally separated".)
She has been a great help to me, better then my old IC that I paid thousands of dollars to and did nothing, never worked on ME, probably made me into the wreck that people on my thread saw me to be.
I am wondering if maybe this is an option for you and your WW.
My wife has delegated her OP to Closer than a friend but not a lover, she is afraid to give him up for to many reasons and it would just become a thread jack.
But, what I am saying is maybe using a DB coach as I have done plus if you can find a counselor who will see you both individually , hence getting to know you both, but also hoping to save your marriage, if that's what you really want.
It has been the most grueling ride of my life and I realize that you have to really love your spouse to fight for your marriage, otherwise it's a waste of energy.
Just my 2 cents.