Hi sweet dawn - i see progress in what you worte - and that's wonderful.
you bee-lined it straight for the bathroom - you took care of yourself - that's exactly what you should be doing - it's really that simple
do the unexpected - get out of your comfort zone, even a little - and that's where movement happens.
if it feels a bit uncomfortable - you can grin to yourself and say - YES!!! I should do this right now.
I'm not saying be outrageous or rude or obnoxious - just little things like don't jump up to meet his needs - let him meet them himself.
So even if you don't realize it, I am noticing that you are already on the right track.
Becoming emotionally dependent is a process. and i can only tell you what i went through and am still going through and what helped me the most.
Acceptance of where I was at each stage. real deep acknowledgment to myself, that yes this is how i am still clinging when i could see it clearly - and not getting down on myself for being that way.
that's the first step - and just accepting it fully and acknowledging it somehow frees you up to let it go just a teeny bit and then you go through the whole process again.
i saw that after my last post to you, your posts seemed to convey that you were putting a lot of pressure on yourself to get emotionally independent as soon as possible. I just want to add that feeling like that will only work against you and add pressure.
instead - be gentle in acknowledging that this is where you are, but adding that "I can get to a better place"
so let's start there, okay? and keep watching what you do and how you react both with your h and on your own - just noticing it - almost like an observer looking in and try to pick up the nuances of what is going on. you'll be surprised at how quickly you will start to see the patterns
you recognized a couple already - how you almost leaped up to get him breakfast and also what you said about cuddling and ILY's etc. try to see what you could do different there - not from h's POV but from yours so it's good for you.
I was talking to my mom tonight and i said - it's taken me a year to disentangle my roots from h's roots, and for the first time i feel my tree can stand on it's own.
it takes time to separate out 2 people who have been together for a long time. if you try to hack at the roots, you will only hurt yourself. but this is more about gently prying them apart, over time in a safe way.
also wanted to say that much of what you're feeling now- i recognize very clearly - the fear of the unknown is so overpowering and is our biggest challenge. it takes a lot of time and work to rid ourselves of that fear.
actually pretty much all the difficulty we face in our sitches stems from fear - and we have to untangle those fears and face them and recognize that they are based on old beliefs that we cling to.
so learn to recognize the fear behind your own reactions and then you can say to yourself - this is the fear that is making me feel like this - what am i really afraid of? and work down and backwards through that till you find the original fear - once you find it, suddenly your present emotions seem not so overpowering.
i'd really like it if you read through that last post of mine again - there were some questions i asked and i think it would be good for you to sit down and write out some things about what i asked. i think as you write - you will see patterns yourself - they will just jump out. that's the good thing about being specific, it makes you see things you don't always see when you are general
so let's start there - and hey tomorrow morning when you guys wake up - ask h very nicely - would you please put the coffee on, or make breakfast for us? (or something that's totally opposite of what normally happens or that you always do) - sort of just expect him to do it instead. if he objects act surprised and say - oh but i love your breakfast and i've missed you making it for me - the point being - add a compliment about how he does things well.
what comes to mind for me - and i don't know if i'm totally right about this - is to sort of turn the tables on him for a bit. why not spend the day in bed and not come to the table for dinner with the family?
a word of warning - he could possibly react strongly - and that is just him protesting the change, because it causes him discomfort.
but be warned - unless you are truly ready to sustain the change, don't do it. because if you do it, he reacts and then you stop, you give him a lot of power. this last suggestion is something that you can work towards - just in your thoughts for now - as you study the interactions between the two of you, you could start to see where you could make the changes.
so you've got a lot of homework dawn, and i think you are ready for it
you are doing great - and i love that you spread your blanket. i'm joining you tonight and bringing my favorite Turtle - he's called Courage and you can keep him by you for as long as you need
You've had one kind of courage until now - but you are stepping in to another kind altogether!!
take care of yourself every moment sweet Dawn, and come tell me how you are doing when you get a chance
zig