Confused and hurt but holding on - 03/11/24 08:45 PM
Hello all. First off, thanks for taking the time to read this. I stumbled upon this website last weekend and was motivated to tell my story. I don’t expect anyone to have magic insights for me but I want to share what I am going through because it is therapeutic for me and I hope that my story- and whatever ending it has- is helpful to someone else who may read it down the line. Anyways, here goes.
I am a male, 37 y.o., I’ve been married to my wife (female, 41 y.o.) for about 4.5 years. I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life, since I was a teenager. I’ve had good times and bad times throughout this time. I am thankful that the depression has rarely been wholly debilitating and I am reasonably successful in my career and social life. However, my relationship with my wife has deteriorated in the past few years. About 6 or so weeks ago, my W said she was ‘done’ and wanted a divorce. There wasn’t any bombshell event that triggered her to say this but rather a slow deterioration of our relationship due to our bad communication and my ongoing battle with depression that made me act in incredibly insensitive ways, see below. Instead of confiding in her, I treated her as an enemy and pushed her away. To my knowledge there is no affair but I can’t prove that. We tried couples counseling last year and a bit earlier this year but it didn’t provide any lasting help. I did not get along with our counselor and I felt like I was getting teamed up on.
Up front, I want to admit that the cause for the divorce is mostly my fault. My mood in the last four years has gotten worse and worse. I’ve struggled for decades with finding meaning and joy in life but have not been able to find anything that gives me personal meaning or any lasting satisfaction. My frustration and sadness at my feelings manifested as me treating my W very poorly at times. I have often come home from work withdrawn, grumpy and angry. I have been emotionally and verbally abusive to her over the years, which got much worse after we got married in 2019 and during COVID. During 2019-2022 we were also trying to get pregnant with no success until 2022 after four cycles of IVF. It was a miracle that it worked. Our son was born in 2022 and he is now 16 m.o. After our son was born, and during the pregnancy, my behavior became worse as I began to dread the changes and challenges that come with having children. I retreated inside myself and distanced myself from my W out of fear. During the pregnancy and after, I said many incredibly hurtful things to my W: about her, about our unborn son, about our relationship, about her values. To be fair, I was also an [censored] at times before this, even during our honeymoon back in 2019. These moments drove her farther and farther away from me as she stopped trusting me. What was most hurtful was when I said mean things about our newborn son: how I wished he was 18 and out of the house, how I didn’t want him, regretted having him, how I wanted us to get divorced as soon as he turned 18. She loves our son more than anything. I was out of my mind to say these things during these incredibly sensitive and important times for her. Prior to these events, we would get into fights, usually owing to my anger and frustration at my own sadness and depression and how ‘unfair’ it was that I felt this way. I would bottle up my anger until it exploded and I took it out on her by saying awful things. We would usually mend after these moments and I would apologize but, the cuts added up and she stopped trusting me and distanced herself. The cycle would repeat. She came to expect the inevitable explosion and shallow reconciliation that followed. She told me repeatedly how much these words hurt her but I never changed. I never wanted to admit I had a problem. At times I romanticized my depression. I see now that I have a sickness.
When W said she wanted the divorce in Feb this year, I crumbled. I begged her, cried, told her I could finally change. Not exactly model DB’ing. In the end she relented and said she asked angrily “do you really think you can change?” and that she would hold off for a few months but she also said “things would have to look REALLY different”. We agreed to keep living together and still are. We’ve been sleeping in separate beds for two years now after she moved to the couch due to back pain during the pregnancy. That part is not any different, really. We have not had sex in 1.5 years which has been really hard for me. I'm incredibly attracted to her. Since she mentioned the divorce, I have been all over the place emotionally. I feel that, when she said the D word, I hit rock bottom and it opened my eyes to how bad we, and I, had truly gotten. How my ways of thinking, feeling, and sharing emotions had gotten corrupted and embittered. I am trying to make changes and she, for better or worse, knows this. Maybe I tell her too much. But I think she needs to know I am working on the things she has taken issue with for years. I try when I can to “show” rather than “tell”, but I have had many moments of weakness where I cried in front of her and shared with her how hard this has all been, how hard the last years have been, how sorry I am, and how her saying she wanted a divorce opened my eyes.
I have talked with her and have a better idea of where she is at. A week after she said D, I was in a weak place and told her “if you truly want this divorce we can move forward with it, I won’t try to change your mind”. At that time, she said “I need to think about this” and “I need to consider our son”. More clarity has since come- she has told me since that day that, for the first time, she sees me actually trying to make changes. She also said the reasons she is still here is because of our son and because she sees that my behavior came from the depression. She said if that was really me, she would be gone. She also said that she is afraid of leaving me with him when I am in one of my moods and the thought of us sharing custody (even though that's what she wants) breaks her because she would not be able to be around him all the time. For myself, I am now seeing new counselors and trying a new treatment for the medication-resistant depression called TMS. I am being more open with my emotions, crying (too) often and sharing how I am feeling with her, something I did not do these last four years except when I was angry. I think this 'oversharing' (?) goes against the DB techniques, but I am deeply insecure and scared. I try to fight having fear be my prime motivator but it feels near-impossible at times. I am trying, through this depression, to GAL and re-develop healthy hobbies that I once used to enjoy like biking, exercising, drawing, music. Unfortunately, none of my close friends are nearby and they all live in other states which makes me feel quite alone and makes it hard to go out.
I feel that things on the surface look better between us since before the day she said D: we talk more openly and we do things together as time permits after our son goes to sleep. We have fun at dinner and have generally positive interactions. She is playful with me and we smile and joke with one another. But below, we are both exhausted to the core from our emotional state and taking care of an energetic toddler. We are both confused, hurt, and lost about the situation. What scares me is that she has not committed to reconciling or to stay with me. She and I want to see how the depression treatment works. I think she is testing me, seeing if I can really change. She has said what she wants more than anything is to have a whole family but it may be too late, regardless. She may be unable to forgive my past behavior. She has a great career, is surrounded by her family and friends who are nearby. I have very little family left and my friends are far away. I have much more to lose here. She has no monetary reason to stay with me. I try not to dwell on these things.
I find it hard to use the techniques on this site: to move forward confidently as if things will be ok with or without her. I love her. I miss her. And I dread the thought of being without her as my partner for the rest of my life. That my son won’t ever know a whole family. I know that I need to work on myself for my own sake and for my son’s sake so that I can be a good father to him. But these things were so hard for me to work on due to depression even before the D bomb dropped. I know that step 1 is to get this depression under control so I can be in a place to work on myself to get a better place. In the meantime, I am trying to just interact with my W as pleasantly as possible but to also keep my distance. I am extremely confused by her behavior currently. Even though we have talked about things and she has recently said that “she doesn’t just want to give up” she has not yet explicitly said she wants to work on the marriage. My wishful thinking says that the way she is acting is not how someone who wants to get divorced acts, but I have learned not to trust my interpretation of things at all. I try to assume the opposite: that she is being nice and engaging with me in order to 'ease my fall' or something. Regardless, do I just detach and emotionally move on? Or do I engage with these little ‘efforts’ that she is making even though I don't know her intentions? Is DBing the right approach here? I am afraid that if I just detach and work on myself, she will see that as me not caring about her. I always try to be respectful and kind to her now but, recently, I’ve started to subtly reject her when she acts like she wants a hug or wants to hang out with me, even though there is nothing I want more than to hold her and be near her. What’s the line for detaching/DBing but also meeting her needs? There’s a right balance to strike but my brain and heart are just mush. I don’t know what’s right anymore.
That’s all for now but I would like to add more details as time passes.
Thanks for reading and I hope that everyone here who is struggling is able to stay strong and stay in the fight. I've read some of your stories but would like to do more to engage with the community in the coming days.
I am a male, 37 y.o., I’ve been married to my wife (female, 41 y.o.) for about 4.5 years. I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life, since I was a teenager. I’ve had good times and bad times throughout this time. I am thankful that the depression has rarely been wholly debilitating and I am reasonably successful in my career and social life. However, my relationship with my wife has deteriorated in the past few years. About 6 or so weeks ago, my W said she was ‘done’ and wanted a divorce. There wasn’t any bombshell event that triggered her to say this but rather a slow deterioration of our relationship due to our bad communication and my ongoing battle with depression that made me act in incredibly insensitive ways, see below. Instead of confiding in her, I treated her as an enemy and pushed her away. To my knowledge there is no affair but I can’t prove that. We tried couples counseling last year and a bit earlier this year but it didn’t provide any lasting help. I did not get along with our counselor and I felt like I was getting teamed up on.
Up front, I want to admit that the cause for the divorce is mostly my fault. My mood in the last four years has gotten worse and worse. I’ve struggled for decades with finding meaning and joy in life but have not been able to find anything that gives me personal meaning or any lasting satisfaction. My frustration and sadness at my feelings manifested as me treating my W very poorly at times. I have often come home from work withdrawn, grumpy and angry. I have been emotionally and verbally abusive to her over the years, which got much worse after we got married in 2019 and during COVID. During 2019-2022 we were also trying to get pregnant with no success until 2022 after four cycles of IVF. It was a miracle that it worked. Our son was born in 2022 and he is now 16 m.o. After our son was born, and during the pregnancy, my behavior became worse as I began to dread the changes and challenges that come with having children. I retreated inside myself and distanced myself from my W out of fear. During the pregnancy and after, I said many incredibly hurtful things to my W: about her, about our unborn son, about our relationship, about her values. To be fair, I was also an [censored] at times before this, even during our honeymoon back in 2019. These moments drove her farther and farther away from me as she stopped trusting me. What was most hurtful was when I said mean things about our newborn son: how I wished he was 18 and out of the house, how I didn’t want him, regretted having him, how I wanted us to get divorced as soon as he turned 18. She loves our son more than anything. I was out of my mind to say these things during these incredibly sensitive and important times for her. Prior to these events, we would get into fights, usually owing to my anger and frustration at my own sadness and depression and how ‘unfair’ it was that I felt this way. I would bottle up my anger until it exploded and I took it out on her by saying awful things. We would usually mend after these moments and I would apologize but, the cuts added up and she stopped trusting me and distanced herself. The cycle would repeat. She came to expect the inevitable explosion and shallow reconciliation that followed. She told me repeatedly how much these words hurt her but I never changed. I never wanted to admit I had a problem. At times I romanticized my depression. I see now that I have a sickness.
When W said she wanted the divorce in Feb this year, I crumbled. I begged her, cried, told her I could finally change. Not exactly model DB’ing. In the end she relented and said she asked angrily “do you really think you can change?” and that she would hold off for a few months but she also said “things would have to look REALLY different”. We agreed to keep living together and still are. We’ve been sleeping in separate beds for two years now after she moved to the couch due to back pain during the pregnancy. That part is not any different, really. We have not had sex in 1.5 years which has been really hard for me. I'm incredibly attracted to her. Since she mentioned the divorce, I have been all over the place emotionally. I feel that, when she said the D word, I hit rock bottom and it opened my eyes to how bad we, and I, had truly gotten. How my ways of thinking, feeling, and sharing emotions had gotten corrupted and embittered. I am trying to make changes and she, for better or worse, knows this. Maybe I tell her too much. But I think she needs to know I am working on the things she has taken issue with for years. I try when I can to “show” rather than “tell”, but I have had many moments of weakness where I cried in front of her and shared with her how hard this has all been, how hard the last years have been, how sorry I am, and how her saying she wanted a divorce opened my eyes.
I have talked with her and have a better idea of where she is at. A week after she said D, I was in a weak place and told her “if you truly want this divorce we can move forward with it, I won’t try to change your mind”. At that time, she said “I need to think about this” and “I need to consider our son”. More clarity has since come- she has told me since that day that, for the first time, she sees me actually trying to make changes. She also said the reasons she is still here is because of our son and because she sees that my behavior came from the depression. She said if that was really me, she would be gone. She also said that she is afraid of leaving me with him when I am in one of my moods and the thought of us sharing custody (even though that's what she wants) breaks her because she would not be able to be around him all the time. For myself, I am now seeing new counselors and trying a new treatment for the medication-resistant depression called TMS. I am being more open with my emotions, crying (too) often and sharing how I am feeling with her, something I did not do these last four years except when I was angry. I think this 'oversharing' (?) goes against the DB techniques, but I am deeply insecure and scared. I try to fight having fear be my prime motivator but it feels near-impossible at times. I am trying, through this depression, to GAL and re-develop healthy hobbies that I once used to enjoy like biking, exercising, drawing, music. Unfortunately, none of my close friends are nearby and they all live in other states which makes me feel quite alone and makes it hard to go out.
I feel that things on the surface look better between us since before the day she said D: we talk more openly and we do things together as time permits after our son goes to sleep. We have fun at dinner and have generally positive interactions. She is playful with me and we smile and joke with one another. But below, we are both exhausted to the core from our emotional state and taking care of an energetic toddler. We are both confused, hurt, and lost about the situation. What scares me is that she has not committed to reconciling or to stay with me. She and I want to see how the depression treatment works. I think she is testing me, seeing if I can really change. She has said what she wants more than anything is to have a whole family but it may be too late, regardless. She may be unable to forgive my past behavior. She has a great career, is surrounded by her family and friends who are nearby. I have very little family left and my friends are far away. I have much more to lose here. She has no monetary reason to stay with me. I try not to dwell on these things.
I find it hard to use the techniques on this site: to move forward confidently as if things will be ok with or without her. I love her. I miss her. And I dread the thought of being without her as my partner for the rest of my life. That my son won’t ever know a whole family. I know that I need to work on myself for my own sake and for my son’s sake so that I can be a good father to him. But these things were so hard for me to work on due to depression even before the D bomb dropped. I know that step 1 is to get this depression under control so I can be in a place to work on myself to get a better place. In the meantime, I am trying to just interact with my W as pleasantly as possible but to also keep my distance. I am extremely confused by her behavior currently. Even though we have talked about things and she has recently said that “she doesn’t just want to give up” she has not yet explicitly said she wants to work on the marriage. My wishful thinking says that the way she is acting is not how someone who wants to get divorced acts, but I have learned not to trust my interpretation of things at all. I try to assume the opposite: that she is being nice and engaging with me in order to 'ease my fall' or something. Regardless, do I just detach and emotionally move on? Or do I engage with these little ‘efforts’ that she is making even though I don't know her intentions? Is DBing the right approach here? I am afraid that if I just detach and work on myself, she will see that as me not caring about her. I always try to be respectful and kind to her now but, recently, I’ve started to subtly reject her when she acts like she wants a hug or wants to hang out with me, even though there is nothing I want more than to hold her and be near her. What’s the line for detaching/DBing but also meeting her needs? There’s a right balance to strike but my brain and heart are just mush. I don’t know what’s right anymore.
That’s all for now but I would like to add more details as time passes.
Thanks for reading and I hope that everyone here who is struggling is able to stay strong and stay in the fight. I've read some of your stories but would like to do more to engage with the community in the coming days.