Good Morning Rock
Can you help me understand some concepts and approaches to money management in these situations from a DB perspective?
You are walking two paths. One is of healing and growth and becoming. The second path is more the business side of things. Finances and money management is more the business path, although one’s actions there can, and do, influence and affect the emotional/healing path.
A high level generalization of divorce busting would be if things are reasonable and there is little chance of some catastrophic upending of one’s financial picture - not a pending divorce, something like one’s partner cleaning out the joint savings account for a trip, or new motorcycle, or argumentation surgery - then let sleeping dogs lay, let it be.
Like I said, a generalization. One’s best answer depends upon their situation. And situations have lots of moving parts and differing factors. Let’s explore what you’ve shared.
I have looked up and consulted L regarding rights and responsibilities in my state:
Excellent. Knowledge is power.
A lawyer is the authority of what you legally need to do for the business path. They have the best insight, and foresight, of your worst case, best case, and likely case scenarios regarding custody, alimony, allowances, and marital asset ownership.
A financial planner is another excellent resource. They can provide further guidance for the present situation as well as preparing for if things take a dramatic turn.
In my situation, our separation was made quite public by W as she flaunted her OM around. Bank manager, school principle, home insurance provider, car insurance provider, credit cards, bills, etc. I had to contact all and deal with the sudden and new financial picture.
The lawyer, planner, and all those institutions are professionals, and this isn’t the first divorce or separation or family problem they have seen or dealt with. They know from experience what works, what’s allowed, and what’s not. It’s good to reach out and get information. You still get to decide when and if you make that particular business move.
-we are both equally responsible 50:50 for mortgage, insurance, maintenance, upkeep and repairs of our conjointly owned marital home as well as, in our situation, my expenses caring for our family. In fact I would be entitled to some child support from W with a dependent child in university studies.
-W is entitled to some spousal support from me including some rental costs, food and utilities
At this stage, W is a dependent on my employer paid extended health care benefits. We make contributions from our pay checks out of our individual accounts into a shared account for above mentioned marital home/family and basic individual needs.
From my understanding, W is not paying a full 50% of the mortgage. And you are not providing any spousal support or other allowances. Her missing mortgage part plus child support maybe is close to her spousal support. In any case, let call it a wash for now. Because:
Over all it seems pretty reasonable and fair to both of us as is from a financial point of view.
This is of utmost importance. Things are reasonable and pretty much fair. The kids situation is smooth as well. No need to poke the bear for anything presently happening.
And W is seeming to negotiate these matters in pretty good faith lately. She has shifted in her attitude from one that was quite contentious and adversarial up until recent.
I’d suspect she has received similar counsel as your lawyer provided you.
I want to keep an even keel and protect myself, home and kids and keep afloat financially and plan for the future.
W is still living at her Mom’s. I suspect that is getting quite old for both parties by now. W has seemingly stopped demanded the bed too. Be this just a calm before the next storm or she has seen and heard some clarity, time will tell.
Do keep an even keel. I applaud your reasoned approach to things; logical, well thought out, and not rash or acting from emotion.
The bills, mortgage, upkeep, food, and such have a history now. A precedent has been kind of set of who is paying how much. Remember, this is all business, it’s about money and kids. So, with the fixed costs more or less figured out and being looked after, the remainder of
your income is your’s. Keep this disposal income separate and out of joint hands. This keeps you afloat. By the way, I believe you are already doing that.
Protecting yourself and future planning:
No new joint debt. And limit, or better eliminate, your exposure to accumulating more joint debt. Lower the credit limit on joint credit cards. Or pay the entire card off, and cancel it. Then get a new credit card is just your name, and let W get one for herself in her name.
Do similar for any account overdraft or line of credit in both names. Any of your debts going forward, aside from mortgage and current obligations, will be by only your hand.
Protecting your home. Keep it maintained. Yes, the upkeep and repairs are unlikely to get recouped. However, keep track of the costs. Not so much for financial repayment, rather information during negotiating if things get that far. You sound like you want the house, and you having prior and unmatched investment into it will likely lessen W’s “emotional” want or claim to it. She wouldn’t want to have to match months or years of your monies into repairs and upgrades. That being said, investing into joint martial assets is just that “joint”. She is untitled to half. So you pay the full amount and in a divorce another half. However, you want the house, and knowledge is power. Go into it with your eyes open. Like I said, use your that expense info during negotiating with her. She might give something else up to offset that on the spreadsheet. She might not too.
Protecting kids is oddly less straightforward. Wills cannot be changed until the formal situation is sorted out and settled. Well, in my locale is was, your’s may be different. W and I had your typical husband/wife will. The surviving partner gets all, and if both are gone, the kids split equally. That could not be altered until an agreement was signed and the courts approved said agreement.
So, if I were to have died during a commuting to work car accident, or falling off a ladder, or heart attack (Lord knows how stressful it was!) W would have got everything. She was completely infatuated with OM, ignoring her children (even missing birthdays and such), and playing Mom to OM’s son. All “our” assets would have been with her, OM, and his son.
My life insurance policy through work had no such legal requirements/entanglements. W was removed and the four kids became the primary beneficiaries on everything I could do so on, with my eldest being stated guardian for the minors. Without such an option, I likely would have taken a new policy on myself with my kids as beneficiaries. (By the way, I kept W on my health policies for as much of the maximum two years I could, to provide her coverage. I had no obligation to do so, and could have removed her like I did for the life insurance. Her coverage ended when the divorce was signed by the courts.)
Now, being divorced, my will is set up with my four kids being equal shares of my estate.
Divorce busting is a time of flux and not. Somethings are up in the air. And other things are resolvable. For example, the kids’ bank accounts were each joint with W and I (Mom and Dad). They had significant monies which any of the three of us could access unfettered. A couple of meetings with the bank manager highlighted the impossibility of removing W from “her” account, even though all monies were from the kids’ work. The kids and I could, however, start new accounts and move the money, then remove ourselves from the old accounts leaving W as sole account holder on those eight accounts (checking and savings and the accompanying share).
Do be prepared in case things go off the rails quickly. Monitor the accounts. Set up text notifications for when there is activity on certain accounts. A ready list of needed phone numbers to your financial institutions, along with the knowledge of what you can cleave if necessary. And a proceeding relationship/meeting with said institution is useful too.
Hope that helps. Basically, protect what you can, limit your exposure, and don’t rock the boat too much.
D
