We have been married 15 years. Two kids D10 and S12. I was in a situation where I knew things were not great, but I thought no news was good news. This included a sexless marriage since D10 was born. Things got complicated and we just both avoided the situation I’m the blame for my part of it. About month and a half ago she told me she was done not attracted to me and didn’t love me. I’ve heard she wasn’t happy off and on for the entire marriage but this one I could tell was bad or worse. Two weeks ago she had talked to an attorney and wanted to know how I wanted to proceed. I told her I needed some time after panicking and telling her I didn’t want a divorce. Today we talked again she still wants to proceed we talked big picture. . basically gonna let her keep moving on this. I’m working on GAL reading DB and parenting books. Walking daily. Detaching myself. Took me a lot to write this lot more to say but this is what I got for now.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
We have been married 15 years. Two kids D10 and S12. I was in a situation where I knew things were not great, but I thought no news was good news. This included a sexless marriage since D10 was born. Things got complicated and we just both avoided the situation I’m the blame for my part of it. About month and a half ago she told me she was done not attracted to me and didn’t love me. I’ve heard she wasn’t happy off and on for the entire marriage but this one I could tell was bad or worse. Two weeks ago she had talked to an attorney and wanted to know how I wanted to proceed. I told her I needed some time after panicking and telling her I didn’t want a divorce. Today we talked again she still wants to proceed we talked big picture. . basically gonna let her keep moving on this. I’m working on GAL reading DB and parenting books. Walking daily. Detaching myself. Took me a lot to write this lot more to say but this is what I got for now.
Dats000, it sounds like you already have an idea of how to proceed. GAL is great. Keep reading DB. Keep working on you and becoming the best version of yourself you can. And detachment will help a lot!
I know this feels terrible and like the end of the world. But it isn't. You gave enough details to make it obvious that you were not happy in this marriage either. Sexless marriage since D10 was born? Wow, that is a longtime. I was in a SSM myself for a longtime. Longest we went was 1 1/2 years and that was awful. 10 years is a long time. So you need to start thinking about what you want. And what a new marriage (with her or someone else) needs to look like for you to be happy and fulfilled. This is important. Because if you do not do this then you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes and find yourself in this same situation again in the future, no matter how this one turns out.
Finally, take a deep breath. Try to calm down. Try to relax a bit. THe last month and a half was probably a whirlwind. Not eating well, not sleeping well. You have to start taking care of yourself so you can be there for your kids.
Please do not stop posting. We want to help and support!
Took me a lot to write this lot more to say but this is what I got for now.
I am glad you posted.
I have been collecting wise words from posters (link in my signature) that you might want to read after reading the posts linked by Job. Reading others stories gives you some good insight, but some advise specific for you will most likely be more beneficial to you. Ask some questions and you will get lots of ideas to consider applying to your sitch.
Originally Posted by Dats000
I thought no news was good news.
That was my old way of thinking. Boy was I wrong. When a woman stops complaining, things are more critical.
Originally Posted by Dats000
About month and a half ago she told me she was done not attracted to me and didn’t love me....Today we talked again she still wants to proceed we talked big picture...
Did she give you a list of complaints? Any of them addressable?
Welcome to the board. I remember how difficult it was to write my first post too; the first step of a journey.
This is a safe supportive place, with many people with much hard earned wisdom. Post, ask questions, vent - you are among folks who understand.
What ages are you and W?
As Steve said, breathe.
If W wants to push the divorce along, do not stand in her way. Do not be too helpful, yet do not place boulders in the way either. Basically, keep you side of the street clean.
She’s made the announcement/admission of wanting a divorce and seeing legal counsel. You need to seek legal counsel as well. Just for information, to know where you stand, to know what your rights are. Being prepared is all.
Read MWD. Start/continue DBing. Focus on you and the kids. Give her time and space.
Do not tell her of this place, or divorce busting, or any other helpful advice you are receiving. You do not want to share your playbook with her.
I know it all feels out of control and going really fast. However, this all takes time. You’ve got the gift of time here. Use it well.
Did she give you a list of complaints? Any of them addressable?
One complaint that I can address now is that she says I am negative. Allowing myself to detach and using the validation technique has changed this. I am talking with my IC about GAL / making myself more interesting whether this marriage works or not.
You made the right decision deciding to post. There are a lot of people here who know what you're going through and are willing to help. I wish we could encourage folks new members to start sharing and getting advice, but a lot will wait for months before posting and that delays their progress.
So you're 51 and she's 42, married 15 years, with D10 and S12. How long did you date / know each other before getting married? Did either of you have significant relationships before each other? What are each of your families like, specifically your parents' marriages?
If she already consulted an attorney things are very serious, so it's crucial you consulted one as well. I'm sure your L would've covered where you stand on these major points:
*Custody - Do not settle for anything less than 50/50. *Child Support - Who makes more money? Hopefully L gave you a picture of what that will look like. *Assets - If you married at 36 did you have any significant pre marital assets, and do you live in an Equitable or Equal Distribution state? *Spousal Support - Same comment as child support. There are calculators for both if your L didn't run numbers for you.
IF there are better deals to be had in the D, usually they come quickly. The longer it draws out the less likely W will feel guilt and offer generously to move on. You probably aren't ready for this - many aren't - but if you can get a better deal you may want to make it easy for her to sign off on the dotted line. I AM NOT one to promote divorce, and this is maybe the first time I've said this to someone here, but you can always reconcile after you lock in favorable terms.
10 years without sex is a LONG time. Correct me if I'm wrong, but assuming you wanted more but she shut down? Why were you OK with that? Did it cause you to feel resentment? How did you deal with those feelings?
You also say "I’ve heard she wasn’t happy off and on for the entire marriage". The entire marriage? If true, that's very telling.
You do seem a bit more practical and even-keeled than most, maybe because of the two above comments?
Cut out ANY negativity cold-turkey as a 180. Not convinced that's the single issue which is going to change things, but doesn't hurt to implement it - and probably best for any of your relationships (friends, family, W...etc) anyway.
Sorry to ask, but...any signs of an affair? Fair warning - there almost always is one.
Coach recommends the first one as a mindset to people on here, and it's helped a lot of us. The Band of Brothers "accept that you're already dead" paradigm also works well.
STOCKDALE PARADOX:
"You must retain faith that you can prevail to greatness in the end, while retaining the discipline to confront the brutal facts of your current reality."
Admiral James Stockdale was shot down in Viet Nam and imprisoned in the "Hanoi Hilton" for almost eight years. He was also its highest-ranking officer. He writes about his experience in his book, In Love and War. How did he survive while others did not? "Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties." He adds, however, what distinguishes his position from simple "optimism" - and formulates what has become known as the Stockdale Paradox: "and confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
This is the critical difference which guards against the endless disappointment that optimism�s carrots' evasiveness create - until, maybe, the reward in the end. On the other hand, an ability to continue making realistic assessments of one's current life situation measures and apportions one�s energies and reserves to better face each challenge as it comes, thus positioning one with a stronger chance to prevail.
You know dats000, this may be the hardest thing you go through in your life.
It will definitely take many years whether you reconcile or divorce.
But please, please trust me when I say this:
One day, it will all be okay! I can’t tell you how that will look or when. It won’t be tomorrow, or next week… it probably won’t even be okay two years from now.
But I guarantee, one day, you will be okay. Life will be worth living, and exciting, and normal. You may even look back one day and see this absolute sh*fight as being something that made you a better person, made your marriage stronger, or introduced you to someone new, or made you realise there’s complete happiness in being single.
Keep posting. It’s going to suck. But we’re right there with you, and when it gets overwhelming, try to remember it’s only temporary.
You have been force upon a path you didn’t want. This path has two parts - the business side; and the emotional and healing side.
The business side is treating this situation like a business deal gone sideways. For that is what it basically is. Your partner has altered direction and is considering dissolving the business (marriage). This path is intellectual. Utilize your logic and reason. Knowledge is power. For now, being forwarded is being forearmed. Leave any heavy lifting to her. You are not looking to divorce, just getting informed is all. And prepared just in case.
The emotional/healing path is much more. This is the path for one’s emotions and self discovery. (Don’t use a $300/hr lawyer as a counsellor, keep emotions out of the business side. )
Explore your emotions. Feel them. Let them wash over you. And let them go.
Be physical. Active. It shifts one’s focus and helps burn out the grief/anger. Sweating it out is a good mechanism.
Discover your deep convictions and values. Strengthen those beliefs that serve you, craft those you aspire to, and alter or discard those that you do not like or do not serve.
Thoughts. Your intellect. You only control three things: Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. From these three, you influence your emotions and beliefs. Which in turn influence each other.
All together there are four roads we travel in our life - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. We have direct control over physical and mostly intellectual. We influence and guide everything else.
I like to think of our journey as cars upon those four roads. Purposely climbing in to a certain car to alter its direction and speed. Lots of times our emotions zoom off backwards or off road, and we need to guide ourselves back to the path.
Eventual, those four - for now seemingly independent - roads start to align. You realize the four roads are actually lanes on the highway of your life. Your cars get closer together and start travelling in the same direction and speed. Peace and contentment comes when one’s cars are aligned, side by side, same velocity, and moving forward together.
Dats, Welcome to these boards . I hope you will find listening ears and compassionate voices here. With regards to the negativity, you can feel it ride it out and bring it here or to IC and find a way to let it go and move forward I hope.
BL42, thanks for your response. Sorry I don’t know how to put your original post in my reply but I did respond.
She was 24 I was 33 when we met at a co-Ed volley ball league. Dated a little over a year. She had at least one serious relationship and I had one relationships in high school and a second in college. Her parents still married my parents divorced when I was one Hurley brother severely autistic so I thought she had great model parents to stay married under those circumstances.
If she already consulted an attorney things are very serious, so it's crucial you consulted one as well. I'm sure your W and L separate occasions covered these major points:
*Custody - Do not settle for anything less than 50/50. Wife ok with 50/50 *Child Support - we make about the same *Assets - I live in an Equal Distribution state? I owned a house that will have non-marital asset. She doesn’t want our house we live in. said she would take the house that we rent out that I owned before our marriage and sell it. *Spousal Support - We make about the same amount of money
IF there are better deals to be had in the D, usually they come quickly. Noted, thanks.
10 years without sex is a LONG time. - If you watch Michelle’s sex starved marriage Ted talk that is similar to what happened to us. Oddly enough in my other two longer relationships I couldn’t get enough sex. In this one physical attraction wasn’t so much there and It just got awkward. She resented me and eventually closed off any type of touch or kisses
You also say "I’ve heard she wasn’t happy off and on for the entire marriage". The entire marriage? If true, that's very telling.
You do seem a bit more practical and even-keeled than most. I’m a great guy and she knows it,but when I get off track I become negative and my anxiety gets the best of me. so when things go bad I immediately assume doom. We did counseling after a couple years of the marriage and that worked great. Then we got off track and on auto pilot and everything started going bad again. she just gave up and told me that I needed to make it work. I saw my IC got back on track and she was happy as can be with me. Then my boss started pushing me out of my job for about two years. Then Covid came and I got it real bad and then had health anxiety really bad for about a year. that’s about six years of me with some pretty bad anxiety issues on and off. Now I’m seeing my IC again for my W wanting the D. IC got me back on track, but this time my wife wants nothing to do with me Now I’m here writing to you.
Cut out ANY negativity cold-turkey as a 180. Not convinced that's the single issue which is going to change things, but doesn't hurt to implement it - and probably best for any of your relationships (friends, family, W...etc) anyway.
Sorry to ask, but...any signs of an affair? Nothings yet
BL42, thanks for your response. Sorry I don’t know how to put your original post in my reply but I did respond.
There are a few ways to include a quote.
Below an unlocked post there are four buttons. Like, edit, reply, and quote. Pressing quote populates the quick reply dialog box (the place where one types their responses/posts) with that entire post - bookended by the quote command.
Another, and more precise method is to copy and paste what you want to quote into the command structure.
By the way, you can see the QUOTE command in action. Just press the quote button on this post to examine its syntax from the above quote.
Basically:
[ quote=User Name]Displayed Text[/quote]
Note: I left a space between “[“ and “quote” otherwise it would be seen as the command and it will display it as a quote, and won’t display the syntax structure. You need to remove that space when actually using the command.
User Name - The name of the quoted poster. The quote box will display the title - “Originally Posted by <User Name>”.
The user name is optional to the command. Not including one will just display a title of - “Quote”.
Displayed Text - The text that will be displayed within the quote box.
The Quote button below posts is useful for showing the post with all its embedded commands expanded. Then copy - commands included if you are after such - and quote or utilize as needed. Especially useful if nesting quotes or for embedded links.
Her parents still married my parents divorced when I was one Hurley brother severely autistic so I thought she had great model parents to stay married under those circumstances.
Her parents still married through tough times does seem like a green flag.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Dats000
*Custody - Do not settle for anything less than 50/50.
Wife ok with 50/50
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Dats000
*Child Support & *Spousal Support
We make about the same amount of money
If your W won't contest 50/50 (may not have any grounds to anyway) and you make a similar amount of money, that'll make things fairly straightforward and you won't waste time and more importantly money on Ls.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Dats000
*Assets -
I live in an Equal Distribution state? I owned a house that will have non-marital asset. She doesn’t want our house we live in. said she would take the house that we rent out that I owned before our marriage and sell it.
Sounds familiar. I stayed in the marital house and W moved into the house we rented out. Better consult L on this one. If you owned the rental prior to the marriage, her name is not on the deed, and the rental income has been covering the mortgage and expenses since...you may possibly have rights to the house and its equity outright in an equitable distribution state. Not sure on an equal distribution state.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Dats000
10 years without sex is a LONG time.
- If you watch Michelle’s sex starved marriage Ted talk that is similar to what happened to us. Oddly enough in my other two longer relationships I couldn’t get enough sex. In this one physical attraction wasn’t so much there and It just got awkward. She resented me and eventually closed off any type of touch or kisses
I've watched it. So you weren't willing to have sex with W, and she was the frustrated one? Typically around here it's the other way around. Was it just a physical attraction thing, or were there other issues at play? I assume you were physically attracted to her at the start. What happened along the way? There are playing of folks on here who went through SSM and were plenty frustrated and let that lead to resentment in the R. You could get some perspective on how W was feeling about that. Maybe moreso as a woman being the frustrated party because of culture assuming the reverse. If you're not sexually attracted to her and don't want to have sex with her why are you trying to DB? And for the kids and to keep the family together is a perfectly good answer, but are you willing to work on the other aspect?
Originally Posted by Dats000
We did counseling after a couple years of the marriage and that worked great. Then we got off track and on auto pilot and everything started going bad again.
Lots of improvements here tail off over time and people revert to the mean. Key is to make them stick.
Originally Posted by Dats000
that’s about six years of me with some pretty bad anxiety issues on and off. Six years is a long time.
You can hopefully understand why the WAS/WS doesn't trust changes over a week or a month timeframe.
Originally Posted by Dats000
Now I’m seeing my IC again for my W wanting the D. IC got me back on track
Good you're back in IC. Don't give it up this time.
Originally Posted by Dats000
but this time my wife wants nothing to do with me
Easier said than done when all you want is for things to "go back to normal", but you have to give her space and time. More than she even wants.
Originally Posted by Dats000
Now I’m here writing to you.
Good. Stay here and keep posting and people will keep giving you advice and feedback. Many come for a brief time and then disappear. Like your IC don't fall off.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Dats000
Sorry to ask, but...any signs of an affair?
Nothings yet
Better there are no signs than something obvious, but brace yourself for the very real possibility. Read Reeling's post earlier. There's an affair in the vast majority of cases on this board, even when at first there are no signs or the person swears up and down it's not possible.
Note: I left a space between “[“ and “quote” otherwise it would be seen as the command and it will display it as a quote, and won’t display the syntax structure. You need to remove that space when actually using the command.
Note: I left a space between “[“ and “quote” otherwise it would be seen as the command and it will display it as a quote, and won’t display the syntax structure. You need to remove that space when actually using the command.
So you weren't willing to have sex with W, and she was the frustrated one? Was it just a physical attraction thing, or were there other issues at play? What happened along the way? You could get some perspective on how W was feeling about that. If you're not sexually attracted to her and don't want to have sex with her why are you trying to DB? And for the kids and to keep the family together is a perfectly good answer, but are you willing to work on the other aspect?
At first it was OK and like I said that it got awkward where we would try simple things that we would mess up. she wasn’t as flexible as I was used to, we would get out of sync, she was heavier ( solid). Couldn’t move her around. Stuff I didn’t experience with other girls. Then I started having erection issues because of all of this stuff. We both agreed that sex was awkward and kept putting it off. Definitely trying DB for the kids and to get back to where my W and I were in the beginning. If W wants to reconcile, SSM will have to be addressed. Plus relationship classes. We will need to find the right IC to make it stick.
It’s been a while since I posted but nothing significant has occurred. As a reminder shortly before Thanksgiving this year my wife said she was done. Since then she sleeps in the guest bedroom in the basement. We do eat supper together with the kids. We have it worked out whoever cooks the other one cleans. Kids don’t know yet. I am being patient with the theory that it will take a month for the 10 years my wife was building up all her unhappiness inside her. I’m still seeing an IC weekly.
I’m still staying busy, detaching and GAL. I’m trying my best keep validating what my wife says. I started going to local high school sporting events and asking S12 and D10 want to go. I’m getting back into photography by taking pictures at my kids sports activities. I share pictures of other kids with their parents which makes them happy too. I go to the library and read my self help books.
Basically all arguments have stopped. W told me this thanksgivings was the best she had (stress free). It was s12, d10, in-laws, W and me. In-laws know. A few weeks back I was cleaning the garage and she came out and asked me if I wanted more coffee and I said sure. A few moments later she brought out a thermos of coffee for me. I was away for a three day weekend with d10 and when we came home she had made us a healthy supper. She said that she did this because she knew it’s what I would have wanted. I know Michelle says in Divorce Remedy that every little step is a big deal and I should look at them as a big deal.
At the same time she has asked me for my attorneys name and then more recently has asked me when we wanna tell the kids. I told her that I wanna wait until Christmas. I just wanna enjoy Christmas with my kids right now and not think about this. Some days you can tell that she’s so checked out and done with this. These are the days where i’ve just started to feel like how nice it would be to not have a person like this around me any longer. it’s a selfish thought, not thinking about the kids but there are days now that I do feel this way - not having to deal with a person who just does not wanna be around you.
Mother in law called to talk about something else with me but then broke down and cried and told me how hurt she is and that she cries every night. I was working and I had a meeting in a few minutes so as I started to cry too I told her that I loved her and had to get back to work. It’s the first time we’ve talked about D.
If the answer is no, then the next time she brings it up:
W:"It's after Christmas, when do you want to tell the children?" H:"I do not want to tell the children, but this D is your choice and I will support your decision. I believe we should tell them after you found a place to live." W:"You keep pushing this out bla bla bla" in a frustrated tone H:"The sooner you move out, the sooner we can tell them" W"bla bla bla" in an angry tone. H:"You sound angry." Then keep validate her emotional state.
(I self edited part of that. Use it or not, the less words you speak, the better)
You're in a tough spot. I remember when I was 16 and my parents told us they were getting divorced. It hurt so badly. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
This will take a long time for you and the kids to heal. When things are tough, you must be strong. Face your fear and take it head on. Be ready to support your kids by playing this scenario out beforehand.
I like r2c's advice.
The best thing right now is to try to be even keeled around her and the kids. Posting here helped me immensely.
If the answer is no, then the next time she brings it up:
W:"It's after Christmas, when do you want to tell the children?" H:"I do not want to tell the children, but this D is your choice and I will support your decision. I believe we should tell them after you found a place to live." W:"You keep pushing this out bla bla bla" in a frustrated tone H:"The sooner you move out, the sooner we can tell them" W"bla bla bla" in an angry tone. H:"You sound angry." Then keep validate her emotional state.
W told me this morning that she got the place to live that she has been looking at. This was right before she left with S12 out of town for the weekend. She said that we should tell the kids when she gets home. Now I sit here by myself just feeling rotten. Mostly because knowing that the children will know soon (probably already have a good idea) and the fear of what is ahead of me in my new life that I wasn’t asking for.
Well I’ve been dealing with my wife wanting to tell the kids. She still wants the divorce and I know at this point it is what’s going to happen. We were gonna do it earlier this week but she ended up crying all day and I was emotional so we both decide not to do it. The rest of the week was just too busy with kids activities and school. This morning she told me that she got the place to live that she wanted. so we will be telling them soon she wants to do it Sunday. She just left out of town with my son right now. They will get back Sunday. As far as myself I’ve been reading some self help books working on my social skills with other parents at my kids activities. taking walks, sometimes with a friend, we are reading the same children’s love and logic parenting book so we go over that together. doing a lot of photography at my kids activities sharing with other parents which they love. Trying real hard to just do positive reinforcement with my kids. No lectures. Still seeing my IC weekly he told me that I’ve been doing better than anyone he has worked with which obviously made me feel good. I told him I bet he tells that to all his patients. But he convinced me that he really meant it. He is impressed with me getting off the recliner and exercising. He can tell that I’ve gained confidence in walking into this uncertainty and gaining confidence in myself presentation with others
All of that said I’m very fearful of what’s to come next for me and my kids.
Sorry man, that's an awful feeling. I know you feel sad and depressed and probably don't have the energy to do anything or even feel like moving, but the single best thing you can do for yourself to help right now is make a purposeful decision to get up off that couch, out of the house, and do a physical activity. Go on a walk, take a run, hit the weights at the gym. Redirect those negative feelings to something positive. The exercise will give you endorphins that make you feel better...even if you can't imagine getting off that couch.
I am literally on the treadmill at the gym right now typing this message to you because I know how you feel and want to help. The distance on the treadmill display just turned fr 3.49 to 3.50 miles.You WILL get through this.
W told me this morning that she got the place to live that she has been looking at. This was right before she left with S12 out of town for the weekend. She said that we should tell the kids when she gets home. Now I sit here by myself just feeling rotten. Mostly because knowing that the children will know soon (probably already have a good idea) and the fear of what is ahead of me in my new life that I wasn’t asking for.
As bad as this sukcs right now....
It really doesn't have to.
You need to feel this, and let it fuel your future.
Her moving out doesn't mean the end, it just means it's the end for now.
So DBing, there is a reason for GAL, and fake it till you make it....
I would suggest trying to implement those. It's hard AF Dats...
Yet you are gonna have to force yourself out of this by doing something for yourself, and the kids.
Do something different, try something different, and eventually, you will BE something different.
Different moods, different frame of mind...
Telling the kids is hard. No lie about it...
Them not having you as a sound, reasonable Father is harder....
Choose your hard...
You WILL get through this, no matter how it looks or how it plays out...
You get to choose how you get through it....
So let me ask you....
If I were to ask you to pinpoint your fear, what would you say they are ???
Being Divorced ??
Being alone ??
Single Dad ??
The perception of you being Divorced ???
What is it exactly, that scares you so much ?
I'm pretty sure that if were to ask you a few months ago what your fears were, you would have said that your worst fear was something like this happening....
Yet it has, and you are still here, and you are still functioning....
They say that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.....and none of this has killed you yet...
Find that strength Dats...
Face those fears and you may even surprise yourself at how you are gonna rock this....
This might be the end for now, yet it doesn't mean that it's final....
You will eventually be in another relationship again. and it could quite possibly be with your current spouse....
Never say never.....
For today though....chin up and find YOUR way through it....
If I were to ask you to pinpoint your fear, what would you say they are ???
Being Divorced ??
Being alone ??
Single Dad ??
The perception of you being Divorced ???
What is it exactly, that scares you so much ?
I'm pretty sure that if were to ask you a few months ago what your fears were, you would have said that your worst fear was something like this happening....
Yet it has, and you are still here, and you are still functioning....
I’m writing you this now in the morning when I am most fearful and my anxiety is its highest. When I’m done with this, I will be going on our elliptical machine and getting getting rid of most that anxiety. So being alone is huge as far as a fear. Before I got married, I didn’t have a serious relationship for most of my 20s. I’ve been in auto pilot for the last 15 years in this marriage, and just doing stuff for my kids for the last 12 years. Guessing that loneliness is one of the big reasons why I married. I am reading the six pillars of self-confidence. I’ve only gotten to the first pillar, which is consciousness and it’s already been a huge eye-opening learning. My IC recommended that I read it. I got to make sure I am in the right mindset to be the best for my kids. Another fear is my kids getting through this without a lot of hardship. Financially, I think I can keep the house but in reality I don’t know. If I have to sell the house where am I going to live? The unknown is a top fear. Being a single dad, not too fearful since my kids and I have the best time together when my wife’s not around. Even though I was just told that I got a promotion which should make me happy but right now it helps a little. I do get fearful of losing my job and not being able to find another one comparable to it. my industry is a unique niche where there’s not a lot of jobs out there. but I’ve had a job since college so it’s been fine so far.
I got to tell you this form and its people are just wonderful. I needed the encouragement so bad yesterday and I got immediate responses that helped me pick myself up.
Congrats on the promotion! That's gotta be a boost.
Hope you're crushing it on the elliptical right now.
You've been in a sexless marriage for a decade. Time to not accept that anymore. I completely understand the feeling of wanting to fix your marriage and keep your family together, and I hope that happens for you, but if it does you can't go back into the same situation. And I hope your fear subsides because if it doesn't, you'll find a relationship that is much more rewarding than the one you have at the present.
If your W is away with the kids this weekend do you have any GAL planned?
D10 was with me this weekend. Friday she and I watched a sappy dog movie and ate popcorn. Saturday exercised in the morning grocery and clothes shopped with my daughter. Made homemade Mac and cheese. Watched my sons activity from a live feed. Went to daughters activity and we went out to eat and got ice cream. Then we went home and I was shot. Today I fixed the center channel that was hanging from the bracket off on my TV in the master bedroom wrong for the last six years and then did laundry all day. Watched my son’s event from a live feed in the morning and then one this afternoon Now I’m at my daughters activity in the parking lot, waiting for her to get done. My wife and son are on their way back from his out of town activities with the chance that we are gonna tell the kids tonight about the divorce and mom moving out.
My wife and son are on their way back from his out of town activities with the chance that we are gonna tell the kids tonight about the divorce and mom moving out.
That's an emotional event. It's going to be tough. Have you prepped for it as best you can? Thought about your words and anticipated the kids' questions and prepared responses?
You're welcome to come post about it afterwards to vent and let out emotions. I'll try to check back later and respond if you do.
You are lucky to realize this. Most of us get here and do not realize this.
So I can tell you from personal experience that you completely face this fear. Live alone for awhile. Get to happy alone.
That doesn't not mean stop being a parent. It just means when it is not your parenting time, you do things by yourself. That does not mean all the time either. Go out with friends, meet and interact with others.
When you come out the other other side, you will be content.
My wife and son are on their way back from his out of town activities with the chance that we are gonna tell the kids tonight about the divorce and mom moving out.
That's an emotional event. It's going to be tough. Have you prepped for it as best you can? Thought about your words and anticipated the kids' questions and prepared responses?
You're welcome to come post about it afterwards to vent and let out emotions. I'll try to check back later and respond if you do.
Wife and son got home around 5:30 last night wife wanted to know if I was ready to tell the kids I said it’s not so much about when to tell them it’s more about how we’re going to tell the kids and that we haven’t even talked about this. so when I was putting some clothes away in the bedroom wife was in there with me going over what she wanted to say. I said that was fine, got A little emotional, sucked it up and said let’s do it. I went to my daughter’s bedroom said we need to talk downstairs in the living room. We went to the living room where my son was at and said we had to talk. Then I let my wife tell them. She left them know that we love them and that we have been struggling to get along for some time. A decision was made to get a divorce and she will be moving out at the end of March they would be spending 50% of the time with each of us. My daughter asked my wife if my wife was OK looked at me and saw me crying and not saying anything for the first time in her life. I don’t think she knew what to do about that. My son just stared off in the corner. Neither of them had any questions except for my daughter wanted to know where the dogs would be. We let her know for the majority of time that they would be. Of course one of my dogs needed to go outside so I started walking my dog out and heard my daughter say it’s OK mom it’s just part of life don’t worry. While I was outside with the dog my daughter comes out gives me a hug, says that everything‘s gonna be fine and that she’s going up to her bedroom. Son still on the couch with my wife next to him making sure he is all right. I started doing dishes. Then s12 and wife go up to his room to talk. Feels like five minutes later my wife tells me that S12 wants me in his bedroom. Once I’m in s12 bedroom alone with him I tell him none of this was his fault, I’m not going anywhere I will always be here for you, and that it’s gonna take a lot of healing but we’re gonna be OK. Ask him if he wants to go into my bedroom and watch football he said yes we watch football and I asked him if he had any questions he said no I said do you want me to talk or be quiet. He said to be quiet. We watched football and he slept in my bed with the two dogs and he stayed home from school to process the news. daughter went to school. Tonight son seems better now. I asked him what he was thinking or how he’s feeling and said he was just shocked and wasn’t expecting to hear anything like this. And he was very shocked at his sister’s response. He felt that she didn’t seem affected her at all. Which I know is not gonna be the case all along We will let the school know and we will get them into counseling. I feel some temporary relief that we told them.
Man, that's tough. Gut wrenching to read. My kids were super young and now-ExW told them without me even though we agreed to tell them together. Did your daughter know something was up? Sounds like she took it almost too well? Maybe she's "being strong" for mom and dad, which isn't great either. Good you'll get them into counseling.
How are YOU doing? You mention temporary relief, but now that time is passing? Are you alright?
My wife and son are on their way back from his out of town activities with the chance that we are gonna tell the kids tonight about the divorce and mom moving out.
That's an emotional event. It's going to be tough. Have you prepped for it as best you can? Thought about your words and anticipated the kids' questions and prepared responses?
You're welcome to come post about it afterwards to vent and let out emotions. I'll try to check back later and respond if you do.
Wife and son got home around 5:30 last night wife wanted to know if I was ready to tell the kids I said it’s not so much about when to tell them it’s more about how we’re going to tell the kids and that we haven’t even talked about this. so when I was putting some clothes away in the bedroom wife was in there with me going over what she wanted to say. I said that was fine, got A little emotional, sucked it up and said let’s do it. I went to my daughter’s bedroom said we need to talk downstairs in the living room. We went to the living room where my son was at and said we had to talk. Then I let my wife tell them. She left them know that we love them and that we have been struggling to get along for some time. A decision was made to get a divorce and she will be moving out at the end of March they would be spending 50% of the time with each of us. My daughter asked my wife if my wife was OK looked at me and saw me crying and not saying anything for the first time in her life. I don’t think she knew what to do about that. My son just stared off in the corner. Neither of them had any questions except for my daughter wanted to know where the dogs would be. We let her know for the majority of time that they would be. Of course one of my dogs needed to go outside so I started walking my dog out and heard my daughter say it’s OK mom it’s just part of life don’t worry. While I was outside with the dog my daughter comes out gives me a hug, says that everything‘s gonna be fine and that she’s going up to her bedroom. Son still on the couch with my wife next to him making sure he is all right. I started doing dishes. Then s12 and wife go up to his room to talk. Feels like five minutes later my wife tells me that S12 wants me in his bedroom. Once I’m in s12 bedroom alone with him I tell him none of this was his fault, I’m not going anywhere I will always be here for you, and that it’s gonna take a lot of healing but we’re gonna be OK. Ask him if he wants to go into my bedroom and watch football he said yes we watch football and I asked him if he had any questions he said no I said do you want me to talk or be quiet. He said to be quiet. We watched football and he slept in my bed with the two dogs and he stayed home from school to process the news. daughter went to school. Tonight son seems better now. I asked him what he was thinking or how he’s feeling and said he was just shocked and wasn’t expecting to hear anything like this. And he was very shocked at his sister’s response. He felt that she didn’t seem affected her at all. Which I know is not gonna be the case all along We will let the school know and we will get them into counseling. I feel some temporary relief that we told them.
First off....that sukcs man.....been there and done that....
Secondly....
That was one of your fears, and it's done now....
What happens now is what you should focus on.
It WAS a fear, it didn't kill you, and now it's behind you....
It's what you do, how you handle this, how you react, and how you move forward that matters now.
Remember that your kiddos are watching YOU through this too....how you handle things will be a guiding force for them in their life also...
Dats, your fears have been driving you for the last few months, maybe even years now.
Think about this.
Do you remember when you were getting ready to be a Father for the first time ??
Didn't that scare the bejeezuz out of you ? I know that it did me.....
But look what happened with that.....
Would you be afraid of that now ? Knowing what you do now ?
I would say not by the sound of things.....
My point is this....
Don't let your fears drive you through this...
Things are wither gonna happen or they aren't...
It's how YOU move through them that will make a difference in your future.....
I've been following along and that sounds like a very difficult conversation. My two older kids (18, 19) already know what’s going on so I’ve been able to stay in constant communication with them about it. I’m lucky that D18 is leaving for college next year and S19 barely even talks to W. I know it will affect them, but not nearly as much as if they were your kids’ ages. My youngest just turned 5 and I have no clue how she will process everything. But I feel for you man. Keep being strong for your kids. From my experience, they process a lot more than they let on. And the emotions that are held in will often come out in a more destructive way later on. Good luck and keep posting.
Always hard reading the "We told the kids" posts. Definitely triggers my emotions and empathy.
Sorry you had to experience this. 14 years ago for me, and I remember every detail. We will never truly know how this effects our kids, but I believe as long as both parents are active in their kids lives that they come out fine.
Give your kids lots of hugs and enjoy your time with them. Mine are all out the house. Crazy how fast time flies.
Man, that's tough. Gut wrenching to read. My kids were super young and now-ExW told them without me even though we agreed to tell them together. Did your daughter know something was up? Sounds like she took it almost too well?
How are YOU doing? You mention temporary relief, but now that time is passing? Are you alright?
D10 is very aware of her surroundings S12 not so much. She had been asking W why she was sleeping in the basement for sometime. Who knows what W told her.
Between this forum, meeting with my IC weekly (in this weeks session he said that I motivated him to do a great job for the rest of the day based on my progress), reading my self help books and doing the exercises in the books. I’m OK. Some parts of my days are better for me. Other parts I’m not so good. I’m sleeping good. I have an appetite. I’m exercising. I meditate using the calm app multiple times a week (need to get this to daily). About a month ago I started doing intermittent fasting, tracking my activity, water intake, food I eat and my weight in this app called simple. It’s pretty cool. This book called 6 pillars of self-esteem is helping me a lot. I’m learning for the first time that low self esteem causes anxiety it makes so much sense now. and being aware of your felling and accepting them (doesn’t mean you have to like them) will get rid of a lot of fear. I’m just through a third of the book and looking forward to reading more. I’m getting out of the house the majority of each day of the week with kids activities still doing my photography at their activities which I’m getting better and better
Some days I look forward to my wife moving out so I don’t have to be around that person in my house who doesn’t wanna be around me. If she ever wants to reconcile, she’s gonna have to prove to me that she’ll be doing some changes too.
Always hard reading the "We told the kids" posts. Definitely triggers my emotions and empathy.
Sorry you had to experience this. 14 years ago for me, and I remember every detail. We will never truly know how this effects our kids, but I believe as long as both parents are active in their kids lives that they come out fine.
Give your kids lots of hugs and enjoy your time with them. Mine are all out the house. Crazy how fast time flies.
Thanks and I agree. S12 who’s with me in my bedroom tonight doing his homework? He like to hang out with me and the dogs. I asked him how he was doing and he said fine. A friend of mine told me fine meant feelings inside not expressed. He’s gotta have questions in his head. In less than two months, he’s gonna start living somewhere else half the time. He’s only lived in this house in one bedroom, in one bed his whole life. His parents were home every night with him 99% of the time now only one of them will be living with him at a time. Maybe he hasn’t gotten this far to think about this
I took d12 and her friend to watch a high school event. She had only invited this friend and one other from her activity team. Normally the parents let everyone know that their kids are going to the high school events. She said she only invited these two friends because their parents are divorced too. I thought to myself wow.
Time has already gone by quick and days are just going by quicker. I do appreciate my time with my kids more and more as I get older and they get older.
Between this forum, meeting with my IC weekly (in this weeks session he said that I motivated him to do a great job for the rest of the day based on my progress), reading my self help books and doing the exercises in the books. I’m OK. Some parts of my days are better for me. Other parts I’m not so good. I’m sleeping good. I have an appetite. I’m exercising. I meditate using the calm app multiple times a week (need to get this to daily). About a month ago I started doing intermittent fasting, tracking my activity, water intake, food I eat and my weight in this app called simple. It’s pretty cool. This book called 6 pillars of self-esteem is helping me a lot. I’m learning for the first time that low self esteem causes anxiety it makes so much sense now. and being aware of your felling and accepting them (doesn’t mean you have to like them) will get rid of a lot of fear. I’m just through a third of the book and looking forward to reading more. I’m getting out of the house the majority of each day of the week with kids activities still doing my photography at their activities which I’m getting better and better
Sounds like you're doing all the right things. You keep all this up and you'll be fine.
Originally Posted by Dats000
I asked him how he was doing and he said fine. A friend of mine told me fine meant feelings inside not expressed.
Smart friend. I'd never heard it put that way, but very astute.
Originally Posted by Dats000
He’s gotta have questions in his head.
For sure.
Originally Posted by Dats000
In less than two months, he’s gonna start living somewhere else half the time. He’s only lived in this house in one bedroom, in one bed his whole life.
Keep the house if you can - provides some stability and continuity for the kids, plus you'll be the default "home base" and they'll "go to mommy's".
Originally Posted by Dats000
She said she only invited these two friends because their parents are divorced too. I thought to myself wow.
Wow indeed.
Hang in there Dats000. You're going to make it through this.
IF there are better deals to be had in the D, usually they come quickly. The longer it draws out the less likely W will feel guilt and offer generously to move on. You probably aren't ready for this - many aren't - but if you can get a better deal you may want to make it easy for her to sign off on the dotted line. I AM NOT one to promote divorce, and this is maybe the first time I've said this to someone here, but you can always reconcile after you lock in favorable terms
BL42, W is already going back on her words on some stuff. When we initially talked about the big picture, I told her I wouldn’t be able to pay for our kids to be in private school and she said that she would take care of that. Now she’s saying that taken care of that didn’t mean that she would pay for it.
When we were first talking about the big picture, she said that she hoped that her and I could talk this out together without having to use our attorneys much. Now she’s saying she’s gonna be using her attorney whenever she has to.
When she was going to look for a house to lease, she said she would keep paying half the mortgage here until we got divorced and pay for her leased house. Now she’s saying after she talk to her counselor and after she talk to her attorney, she doesn’t have to keep paying on our mortgage as soon as she moves out because we’re separated. She would just have to pay for her leased house when she moves into it. even though we’re still married, and her name is on our mortgage. I told her this didn’t make sense and that she’s going back on her word. And that she was the one who had to move out and get away from me. I was OK with living in the same house until we got a divorce or until the kids were out of school for the summer.
We have a townhouse that I owned prior to our marriage. the tenants are moving out in a couple months so guessing we would sell that but I gotta make sure I know how much of that is non marital assets and if I need to wait until we are divorced to sell it.
My attorney is out of town this week so I will be talking to him next week.
you were right looks like her guilt and generosity is wearing off. I need to be quick to to lock in favorable terms before she starts being less giving.
I told her this didn’t make sense and that she’s going back on her word.
Forget going back on her word...she's breaking her VOWS. She is NOT the woman you married anymore. Do not rely on ANYTHING she says verbally. Document everything in writing and make sure an L reviews it.
Originally Posted by Dats000
When we were first talking about the big picture, she said that she hoped that her and I could talk this out together without having to use our attorneys much. Now she’s saying she’s gonna be using her attorney whenever she has to.
Very common. Easy to say that but when big important issues are at stake (custody, finances) and the rubber meets the road...
Originally Posted by Dats000
When she was going to look for a house to lease, she said she would keep paying half the mortgage here until we got divorced and pay for her leased house. Now she’s saying after she talk to her counselor and after she talk to her attorney, she doesn’t have to keep paying on our mortgage as soon as she moves out because we’re separated. She would just have to pay for her leased house when she moves into it. even though we’re still married, and her name is on our mortgage.
Again, ask an L, but...there's likely going to be a date of separation and you'll have to agree on the value of the home/equity at that point. She likely does not have to continue mortgage payments.
Originally Posted by Dats000
And that she was the one who had to move out and get away from me. I was OK with living in the same house until we got a divorce or until the kids were out of school for the summer.
Sorry to say it, but it liekly doesn't matter legally who made the choice to move out and who was/was not willing to live in the same house until the divorce. She has the ability to decide to move out. She controls her; you control you.
Originally Posted by Dats000
We have a townhouse that I owned prior to our marriage. the tenants are moving out in a couple months so guessing we would sell that but I gotta make sure I know how much of that is non marital assets and if I need to wait until we are divorced to sell it.
Consult a L as it will depend on your jurisdiction's laws, but it's very possible that's a non-marital asset and you're entitled to all of it if the rent covered the mortgage. In my case, unfortunately, my W got almost all the equity out of our rental house because she bought it under her name before we got married and even though I moved in soon after and did 99% of the work as the property manager for 5-6 years as "we" (meaning "I") rented it out...she got all the equity. So hopefully that works out for you in your case. Just know the law and your rights and get what you're entitled to.
Originally Posted by Dats000
My attorney is out of town this week so I will be talking to him next week.
Good. You absolutely need to.
Originally Posted by Dats000
you were right looks like her guilt and generosity is wearing off. I need to be quick to to lock in favorable terms before she starts being less giving.
Any good attorney will advise you the quicker the deal the better, but many LBSs (me included) are in shock and aren't ready emotionally to pull the trigger so soon.
Dats you're going to weather the storm and life will be much better on the other side.
Regarding property division/payments/custody, I don't know where you live but in most places it is very formula-driven so just get the breakdown of how things will probably turn out if the judge has to get involved and strike a deal on similar terms. Know your rights, knowledge will ease anxiety. No need to try and stick it to your W but don't be a softy either. Any informal impasse on any issue can be addressed by saying "let's just go with whatever the law says". Makes it more matter of fact and objective instead of emotional and subjective. No need to argue.
I feel your pain when you mention your kids living somewhere else half the time, let me tell you if you get the custody arrangement you are entitled to (50/50) it will not be too bad. I have my kids half the week every week, so they are physically at my house 4 days. I almost always see them on a 5th day due to their sports or there being some event or get together involving their friends and parents on a day I don't have them. Sometimes I will swing by a sports practice on a day I don't have them. So you can set things up to where you have them half the time at your house but see them even more, even if it's for just a little while. That can really help. Also you will learn to appreciate some free time to GAL even more.
Hang in there buddy, I know it's hard to see it now but good times await.
Dats you're going to weather the storm and life will be much better on the other side.
Thanks Gekko, I cannot hear that it will be better enough. I know I will be a better person coming out of this, but it is still hard.
Originally Posted by Gekko
Regarding property division/payments/custody, I don't know where you live but in most places it is very formula-driven so just get the breakdown of how things will probably turn out if the judge has to get involved and strike a deal on similar terms. Know your rights, knowledge will ease anxiety.
This is one of the next steps that I need to figure out asap. It has been giving me some bad anxiety for the past couple weeks. I need to get on my Attorney’s calendar so we can plan to get all this calculated.
Originally Posted by gekko
No need to try and stick it to your W but don't be a softy either. Any informal impasse on any issue can be addressed by saying "let's just go with whatever the law says". Makes it more matter of fact and objective instead of emotional and subjective. No need to argue.
I like this advice. I will definitely use it.
Originally Posted by gekko
if you get the custody arrangement you are entitled to (50/50) it will not be too bad. I have my kids half the week every week, so they are physically at my house 4 days. I almost always see them on a 5th day due to their sports or there being some event or get together involving their friends and parents on a day I don't have them. Sometimes I will swing by a sports practice on a day I don't have them. So you can set things up to where you have them half the time at your house but see them even more, even if it's for just a little while. That can really help.
This makes me feel a lot better. Both my kids are in sports 70% of the year where one of the facilities is two minutes from where I live. W is moving out end of March, this will be our lives before we know it.
Dats I'm sorry it's come to this. No way to polish the turd that is divorce. However, since this is your current reality, I will pass on the advice given to me here and by my lawyer and our mediator when I faced the true end of my marriage: treat it all as a business deal.
Your old marriage is a company dissolving. The two principals are dividing assets and liabilities.
Do all you can to keep a business frame of mind during the negotiation process.
Allow yourself to collapse into the emotions away from the lawyers, kids, well intentioned friends, family and even posters here, including myself. This is a very private walk you have to make by yourself.
For me, I'd already spent a lot of time during our protracted negotiation really trying to figure out what I wanted, what my core values are, and how to best express them through this process while protecting myself and my son. In hindsight, I have no regrets about taking that approach.
If any of this resonates with you, use it with my blessing.
This week I talked with my attorney he gave me instructions on what to do next on working towards a divorce decree. I also made a call to a financial advisor that someone referred me to and got on his calendar next week. So these things are helping me with my financial anxiety. Little they may sound it’s gets me going and keeps my self esteem going.
I was having some issues with D11 basically not showing my love to her and just getting upset because of whatever. Her Mom could do nothing wrong in her eyes. I’ve changed my approach by being more of a consultant parent. Advising her what to do, but showing her love first. everything‘s going way better. In fact we are having movie night tonight with dad’s home made popcorn.
S13 had his birthday this week. We all went out as a family for his supper. He got to choose. He was so grateful for the gifts he got is such a nice kid. I love him so much.
wife left yesterday on a trip with an another friend that’s getting divorced so I’m with my kids for a long weekend. We will be busy with their activities at least one of them each day if not both of them this weekend.
I’m having a small level anxiety around 10 hours a day. Starting right when I get up in the mornings. Of course I am worrying a lot about expenses and assets when my wife moves out at the end of March. I’m keeping up with my exercises and the meditations and book readings, etc. I have to get out of the house more by myself. I hear of lotta people here talking about all the people they call to go out with to help them GAL. I don’t have a lot people to call. There’s a few but they are all married and have kids and have their own lives so it’s kind of hard.
As far as me detaching and GAL and validating my wife’s conversations. nothing has changed. She hasn’t shown any more interest, but we are living together, so maybe when she moves out, there might be some change where she would want to reconcile. I’m not giving up or holding my breath. No matter what happens. I will be a better person coming out of this.
I enjoyed my dinners, movies, coffee shops adventures alone. I connected with the staff. For example, they would ask me my name and write it on the cup. I would ask their name. I would remember it. The next time, they would ask my name, I would say their name and say "I already told you." All with a good tone of humor. Most always remember my name after that. Made some close friends doing this.
Originally Posted by Dats000
I hear of lotta people here talking about all the people they call to go out with to help them GAL. I don’t have a lot people to call.
So tonight when I go out, I will meet someone new. Break the ice with small talk. Try my hardest to remember their name and their story. Make this a habit and you will build a good friend base. Playing lots of pool these days.
I’m doing a similar approach. Also at some particularly rough stages, I planned ahead how I was going to get through each day, who I was going to hang out with and what I was going to do, extra therapy too. I still am inviting myself over to some married with children friends’ homes. I learned from another friend who went through a similar extremely difficult situation. His C told him to pick up the phone and call close friends and arrange to get together and not to settle for scrolling and texting only.
Always hard reading the "We told the kids" posts. Definitely triggers my emotions and empathy.
Sorry you had to experience this. 14 years ago for me, and I remember every detail. We will never truly know how this effects our kids, but I believe as long as both parents are active in their kids lives that they come out fine.
Give your kids lots of hugs and enjoy your time with them. Mine are all out the house. Crazy how fast time flies.
Thanks and I agree. S12 who’s with me in my bedroom tonight doing his homework? He like to hang out with me and the dogs. I asked him how he was doing and he said fine. A friend of mine told me fine meant feelings inside not expressed. He’s gotta have questions in his head. In less than two months, he’s gonna start living somewhere else half the time. He’s only lived in this house in one bedroom, in one bed his whole life. His parents were home every night with him 99% of the time now only one of them will be living with him at a time. Maybe he hasn’t gotten this far to think about this
I took d12 and her friend to watch a high school event. She had only invited this friend and one other from her activity team. Normally the parents let everyone know that their kids are going to the high school events. She said she only invited these two friends because their parents are divorced too. I thought to myself wow.
Time has already gone by quick and days are just going by quicker. I do appreciate my time with my kids more and more as I get older and they get older.
My son (13) also comes in and does his homework with me, too. Always has. You sound like an awesome parent! Good on ya!
Kids have it worse than we do and that breaks my heart. I dread the thought of them splitting time. I’m afraid that my sitch is going to get pretty messy and I’ll have to pick up the pieces.
All we can do is show them the love and support the need and deserve. Do our best ina mad world.
Hi Rockon, thanks for asking. At times lots of anxiety about the unknown. I have been working on being mindful of right now. Knowing that I’m ok now. And knowing that the unknown will work itself out. I keep telling myself that having fear is OK, but it’s not gonna make my decisions. It will never be in the driver seat. I will always be driving and making the decisions. I don’t want to be fearless, people that are fearless are sociopaths. 🤪 I got to accept what’s happening in my life and open my eyes to it.
My W will be going over some options for our assets/finances tomorrow. My hope is that they are not too far off of what I would agree with and that one of the options will work and we just tweak it a little bit so than I’ll present that to my attorney and go from there. The way she has just totally moved on and by me detaching and doing a 180. There’s nothing really left. I still believe if she wanted to reconcile I would do it under certain circumstances but right now I don’t have any feelings for her anymore. I still love the idea of a marriage and everything that’s about it. Having someone there every night, having someone there when we go out and do activities with friends, having someone there when you need them and to help raise your kids.
my kids are great. I love them so much and I’m so proud of them.
With D11 i’ve been really working hard giving her more control and giving her choices vs telling her to do things. Like the other night, I gave her a choice to unload the dishwasher now or after supper. She liked this and said that I want to do it after supper. simple but it worked. She is in more control and making decisions which will then give her more self-esteem and and independence And builds our relationship. I’m learning this from a book called love and logic parenting.
With S13 I feel right now he really needs a sense of security and I am making sure that I am there for him. Basically every night we hang out in my room and he does his homework or he reads and I read. If there’s a sporting event on TV will have that on too. last night when we were done reading and he was leaving my room. I made sure that I told him how much I appreciate his time and how much I love him and how thankful I was able to spend time with him. he said that he was grateful for being able to spend time with me too. Plus, our two dogs are in there for comic relief
I’m going for a walk at lunch today with a friend that’s also going through a divorce. he is really struggling with the dividing of assets and finances and scheduling of kids with his wife that moved out. at times I have to tell him that I want to talk about other things besides divorce because I’m sick of thinking about it. Overall we we help each other out and I get outside in nature getting exercise.
Job is going great too. Thankfully, I am excelling at my career right now.
I hope everyone is is enjoying what they’re doing now and knowing right now you are OK. 😀
Always hard reading the "We told the kids" posts. Definitely triggers my emotions and empathy.
Sorry you had to experience this. 14 years ago for me, and I remember every detail. We will never truly know how this effects our kids, but I believe as long as both parents are active in their kids lives that they come out fine.
Give your kids lots of hugs and enjoy your time with them. Mine are all out the house. Crazy how fast time flies.
Thanks and I agree. S12 who’s with me in my bedroom tonight doing his homework? He like to hang out with me and the dogs. I asked him how he was doing and he said fine. A friend of mine told me fine meant feelings inside not expressed. He’s gotta have questions in his head. In less than two months, he’s gonna start living somewhere else half the time. He’s only lived in this house in one bedroom, in one bed his whole life. His parents were home every night with him 99% of the time now only one of them will be living with him at a time. Maybe he hasn’t gotten this far to think about this
I took d12 and her friend to watch a high school event. She had only invited this friend and one other from her activity team. Normally the parents let everyone know that their kids are going to the high school events. She said she only invited these two friends because their parents are divorced too. I thought to myself wow.
Time has already gone by quick and days are just going by quicker. I do appreciate my time with my kids more and more as I get older and they get older.
My son (13) also comes in and does his homework with me, too. Always has. You sound like an awesome parent! Good on ya!
Kids have it worse than we do and that breaks my heart. I dread the thought of them splitting time. I’m afraid that my sitch is going to get pretty messy and I’ll have to pick up the pieces.
All we can do is show them the love and support the need and deserve. Do our best ina mad world.
No time to go over Ws options to divide up assets yet. We were going to do it Friday. W was doing our taxes yesterday. I walked to a coffee shop a read a new parenting book recommended by D11 teacher
Did some mall walking with my friend that also is going through a divorce. Made him promise me that we would not talk about our divorces. Our Ds went shopping while we walked. Then we all had lunch. Last night was the annual family against D11 hockey team scrimmage. My S13 played goalie. D11 team’s goalie let him use her pads. He was so excited and nervous before and was laughing and had a blast during the whole game. He never played goalie before. My daughter was trying to check me and making me fall over and illegally pushing and punching her brother in the crease while her team tried to scored. Did over 6 miles yesterday and burned over 1000 cal so this morning I am tired and taking a little longer to get up and get going. The hockey made my body feel in rough shape this morning but I will be getting up and going with walks, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry.
We had teachers conference Thursday both kids teachers said they noticed changes in our kids since we told them about the divorce. S13 more quiet and D is emotional and gets sidetracked. We got the number of counselor at the school to have our kids meet with
Walking friend wants to walk again today. Probably outside since it will be above freezing 🥶
Right now I am OK I’m in my recliner in my office with my dog by my side watching a movie. While the rest of the family is asleep. Grateful for yesterday with my kids and the other parents who made the scrimmage possible and grateful for my walking friend who will be available today to get me outside walking again. I’m grateful for this forum that gets me to journal what I’m working on to show me if I’m on track
We ended up agreeing tentatively on assets. If it financially makes sense my W will take the townhouse we rent out and I will keep the house. We still need to figure out how much of the townhouse is my non-marital asset. Every bigger property item was gone through and assigned to my wife or me. W letting me keep things she would never want without having to pay her (example home theater in basement) and I’m giving her the stuff she needs to fill her new leased house. My FIL went shopping with my W and kids to buy them new mattresses. My in laws are great. My W has my S13 new bed frame and dressers in the garage ☹️. W boxed up stuff from her night stand and our bathroom. I walked in the closet and saw the jewelry box I gave my W as an engagement gift gone. A parenting book left behind on the nightstand stand from over 8 years that I never read ☹️. I told my W last night that I don’t want to be there when she moves out on March 24. I also said that we need to ask the kids what they want to do that day. Do they want to stay and help or go with me.
We still do supper together, go to kid’s sports games together or meet there. Definitely an IHS, not fun. Forcing the kids to live in separate houses and breaking the family up for them [censored] but not having to live with a person that doesn’t wanna be with you anymore is gonna be nice. I’m still in touch with my in-law. I made my mother-in-law, chicken and dumplings after her hernia surgery brought it over there. We will plan to continue doing Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve together with in laws. As long as it makes sense to keep those kind of traditions going for the kids.
Finally told my Mom about our separation and my best friend. They were both very supportive. Lucky my friend lives close and we agreed to doing something at least once a month. I’m still walking getting my time to walk a mile 3 minutes faster than 4 months ago. My IC has been keeping me on track with my self esteem building and tweaking actions to becoming a better parent. Especially to my D11 who is going through some rough time with her emotions. Luckily my W is there for her too. My son still reading with me every night.
I truly believe that God brought me to this marriage saving site as a gift when I was weary and carrying the heavy burden of my W request for a divorce. This was his way of teaching me to deal with my pain and how how I found rest for my soul. If I didn’t act on reading DR and GAL, detaching, doing a 180 things wouldn’t have gotten better. I’m definitely not out of the woods, but definitely in a better place and definitely a better person. I also know my work in improving myself is something that I have to work on the rest of my life if I want to be the person I want to be.
It’s been a while since I posted but nothing significant has occurred. As a reminder shortly before Thanksgiving this year my wife said she was done. Since then she sleeps in the guest bedroom in the basement. We do eat supper together with the kids. We have it worked out whoever cooks the other one cleans. Kids don’t know yet. I am being patient with the theory that it will take a month for the 10 years my wife was building up all her unhappiness inside her. I’m still seeing an IC weekly.
I’m still staying busy, detaching and GAL. I’m trying my best keep validating what my wife says. I started going to local high school sporting events and asking S12 and D10 want to go. I’m getting back into photography by taking pictures at my kids sports activities. I share pictures of other kids with their parents which makes them happy too. I go to the library and read my self help books.
Basically all arguments have stopped. W told me this thanksgivings was the best she had (stress free). It was s12, d10, in-laws, W and me. In-laws know. A few weeks back I was cleaning the garage and she came out and asked me if I wanted more coffee and I said sure. A few moments later she brought out a thermos of coffee for me. I was away for a three day weekend with d10 and when we came home she had made us a healthy supper. She said that she did this because she knew it’s what I would have wanted. I know Michelle says in Divorce Remedy that every little step is a big deal and I should look at them as a big deal.
At the same time she has asked me for my attorneys name and then more recently has asked me when we wanna tell the kids. I told her that I wanna wait until Christmas. I just wanna enjoy Christmas with my kids right now and not think about this. Some days you can tell that she’s so checked out and done with this. These are the days where i’ve just started to feel like how nice it would be to not have a person like this around me any longer. it’s a selfish thought, not thinking about the kids but there are days now that I do feel this way - not having to deal with a person who just does not wanna be around you.
Mother in law called to talk about something else with me but then broke down and cried and told me how hurt she is and that she cries every night. I was working and I had a meeting in a few minutes so as I started to cry too I told her that I loved her and had to get back to work. It’s the first time we’ve talked about D.
Yeah - I remember all these days - they stink(or maybe a more harsh word that I won't write)
BUT
I agree with this
Originally Posted by Gekko
Dats you're going to weather the storm and life will be much better on the other side.
You are getting lemons and need to figure out how to make lemonade.
W moves out this Friday. Boxes packed in about every room. Had really sad 😢 moments during this process. Thinking why did I let this come this far.? Why didn’t I do something sooner to try to fix it? But then if I look back at it, the reason why I wasn’t doing that was because I was afraid if I did try that the big D would’ve been thrown at me then. so a good thing is a lot of clutter is being cleaned out. And similar to what Mike had just posted in his thread I am realizing I wasn’t as happy in this marriage either and now realizing I didn’t like how my wife treated me for years. If we would ever reconcile there would need to be so much change. GAL. I collected the best photos I took from my daughters hockey team throughout the season and had them on the screen at their bowling party. All the girls loved it. All the parents loved it. Gave them access to my Google Drive so they can view or Transfer them to wherever they want. Brought so much joy to me. And gave the kids and their parents memories to Enjoy for a life time. I’m going out tomorrow night with a friend to watch a hockey game going out with my best friends Saturday to watch a hockey game. still walking. Need to do more of that but things are as good as it can be. Hope you all are all doing well now. take care of yourself.
Take good care of yourself Dats. So happy for you with the hockey team bowling party. You really brought your talents and passion to the community and they will never forget that. Enjoy friends and hockey this weekend. This is not easy at all and your are really going through a lot in layers it would seem to me.
W moves out this Friday. Boxes packed in about every room. Had really sad 😢 moments during this process. Thinking why did I let this come this far.? Why didn’t I do something sooner to try to fix it? But then if I look back at it, the reason why I wasn’t doing that was because I was afraid if I did try that the big D would’ve been thrown at me then. so a good thing is a lot of clutter is being cleaned out. And similar to what Mike had just posted in his thread I am realizing I wasn’t as happy in this marriage either and now realizing I didn’t like how my wife treated me for years. If we would ever reconcile there would need to be so much change. GAL. I collected the best photos I took from my daughters hockey team throughout the season and had them on the screen at their bowling party. All the girls loved it. All the parents loved it. Gave them access to my Google Drive so they can view or Transfer them to wherever they want. Brought so much joy to me. And gave the kids and their parents memories to Enjoy for a life time. I’m going out tomorrow night with a friend to watch a hockey game going out with my best friends Saturday to watch a hockey game. still walking. Need to do more of that but things are as good as it can be. Hope you all are all doing well now. take care of yourself.
For the first week 10 days that my W moves out, we decided that the kids will be with her Friday through Tuesday and then I’ll get them Wednesday through Sunday, so starting tomorrow. I won’t see my kids for five days and the family will officially be physically broken up. not feeling great did my exercises need to try to figure out how to concentrate and work the rest of the day
Like everything, having the kids in two different houses will get better in time. The first five days of no kids will likely be the worst; as will be the first Christmas, birthday, etc. You’ll get through it.
Yes, concentrating could at times be difficult. Thoughts and emotions will rise and stir. I found scheduling a few times, like coffee breaks and lunch, to go for a little walk and think about things was better than trying to ignore it all for the entire day. Like letting off some pressure every now and then before it all blows up.
Do you have a custody schedule figured out? I see the first ten days, which is not a repeatable multiple of 7 or 14. Also curious as to planned drop off and pick up plan. Where and who. Each going to the other’s house to drop off? Or some other arrangement?
It sounds like your negotiations were rather amicable. One of my coworkers had a horrible situation and children drop off and pick up ended up being at the police station.
Do you have a custody schedule figured out? I see the first ten days, which is not a repeatable multiple of 7 or 14. Also curious as to planned drop off and pick up plan. Where and who. Each going to the other’s house to drop off? Or some other arrangement?
We do. W gets them mon, tues. I get them wed, Thursday and every other weekend. Luckily we don’t have pick up at the police station. We agreed that we would drop them off. This way I don’t have to sit and wait for them to get ready at W place. And it is the parents responsibility to get the kids to the other parents house on time. We have agreed not to talk about scheduling in front of kids or through kids.
Dats, I'm sorry your going through this. I can't imagine how hard it must be. When my W moved out, our kids stayed with me so it wasn't nearly as hard as your situation. Good job on the bowling party. I have so many pics of my kids on my phone and regular old pictures as well. I love getting the old pics out and losing track of time looking at them. Good luck to you. Hang in there, we're all pulling for you.
Dats, I'm sorry your going through this. I can't imagine how hard it must be. When my W moved out, our kids stayed with me so it wasn't nearly as hard as your situation. Good job on the bowling party. I have so many pics of my kids on my phone and regular old pictures as well. I love getting the old pics out and losing track of time looking at them. Good luck to you. Hang in there, we're all pulling for you.
Thanks Mike. I agree about looking back at the pictures. Reminds me to cherish them everyday and be mindfully present for them now as a model and not think about the things out of my control. Time is going by way too fast.
I am grateful that I purchased a zoom (70-200) with 2.8 aperture lens for my mirrorless camera prior to W BD. It is a must to get to the next level of sports photography in not well lit arenas. I saw my photographer game develop at the same time the girls on the team were.
I going to be fine. I have so much cleaning to take care of after all the W packed moving boxes are out. And have plan tonight tomorrow and Saturday.
Then spring hockey starts next week for both kiddos.
Dats, I'm sorry your going through this. I can't imagine how hard it must be. When my W moved out, our kids stayed with me so it wasn't nearly as hard as your situation. Good job on the bowling party. I have so many pics of my kids on my phone and regular old pictures as well. I love getting the old pics out and losing track of time looking at them. Good luck to you. Hang in there, we're all pulling for you.
Thanks Mike. I agree about looking back at the pictures. Reminds me to cherish them everyday and be mindfully present for them now as a model and not think about the things out of my control. Time is going by way too fast.
I am grateful that I purchased a zoom (70-200) with 2.8 aperture lens for my mirrorless camera prior to W BD. It is a must to get to the next level of sports photography in not well lit arenas. I saw my photographer game develop at the same time the girls on the team were.
I going to be fine. I have so much cleaning to take care of after all the W packed moving boxes are out. And have plan tonight tomorrow and Saturday.
Then spring hockey starts next week for both kiddos.
Not that hi-tech in the photography game. I do know they make some decent lenses for smartphone that work quite well. I didn't take nearly enough pics over the past bball season. With d13 playing middle and high school we were in it for 6 straight months, plenty of mental pics, lol. Softball just started and the outdoor pics are usually better. Also track just started. Last year I managed a few good vid's of her. My father in law is the photo expert. He usually gives us copies of his. Good luck to you and your kiddo, hope hockey goes well.
Dats, I'm sorry your going through this. I can't imagine how hard it must be. When my W moved out, our kids stayed with me so it wasn't nearly as hard as your situation. Good job on the bowling party. I have so many pics of my kids on my phone and regular old pictures as well. I love getting the old pics out and losing track of time looking at them. Good luck to you. Hang in there, we're all pulling for you.
Thanks Mike. I agree about looking back at the pictures. Reminds me to cherish them everyday and be mindfully present for them now as a model and not think about the things out of my control. Time is going by way too fast.
I am grateful that I purchased a zoom (70-200) with 2.8 aperture lens for my mirrorless camera prior to W BD. It is a must to get to the next level of sports photography in not well lit arenas. I saw my photographer game develop at the same time the girls on the team were.
I going to be fine. I have so much cleaning to take care of after all the W packed moving boxes are out. And have plan tonight tomorrow and Saturday.
Then spring hockey starts next week for both kiddos.
Not that hi-tech in the photography game. I do know they make some decent lenses for smartphone that work quite well. I didn't take nearly enough pics over the past bball season. With d13 playing middle and high school we were in it for 6 straight months, plenty of mental pics, lol. Softball just started and the outdoor pics are usually better. Also track just started. Last year I managed a few good vid's of her. My father in law is the photo expert. He usually gives us copies of his. Good luck to you and your kiddo, hope hockey goes well.
Don’t get me wrong Smart phone cameras now a days are incredible. Sounds you have quite the athlete.
Dats, I'm sorry your going through this. I can't imagine how hard it must be. When my W moved out, our kids stayed with me so it wasn't nearly as hard as your situation. Good job on the bowling party. I have so many pics of my kids on my phone and regular old pictures as well. I love getting the old pics out and losing track of time looking at them. Good luck to you. Hang in there, we're all pulling for you.
Thanks Mike. I agree about looking back at the pictures. Reminds me to cherish them everyday and be mindfully present for them now as a model and not think about the things out of my control. Time is going by way too fast.
I am grateful that I purchased a zoom (70-200) with 2.8 aperture lens for my mirrorless camera prior to W BD. It is a must to get to the next level of sports photography in not well lit arenas. I saw my photographer game develop at the same time the girls on the team were.
I going to be fine. I have so much cleaning to take care of after all the W packed moving boxes are out. And have plan tonight tomorrow and Saturday.
Then spring hockey starts next week for both kiddos.
Not that hi-tech in the photography game. I do know they make some decent lenses for smartphone that work quite well. I didn't take nearly enough pics over the past bball season. With d13 playing middle and high school we were in it for 6 straight months, plenty of mental pics, lol. Softball just started and the outdoor pics are usually better. Also track just started. Last year I managed a few good vid's of her. My father in law is the photo expert. He usually gives us copies of his. Good luck to you and your kiddo, hope hockey goes well.
Don’t get me wrong Smart phone cameras now a days are incredible. Sounds you have quite the athlete.
Definitely a busy athlete, driving her around feels like my new job. Best job ever.
Ugh…W movers coming today. We had some pretty good talks lately about hoping the best for each other. About making sure we are both getting our fair share of stuff in the house. About our self help development. I let her know that I hope the best for her. And concerned she i will be ok during this transition. Told W I will not be around the house today while she is moving out . I’m keeping busy today. Took the day off of work. went to a coffee shop this morning, chiropractor appointment, opened my own checking account, got kid skates sharpened just left restaurant, should not have started this post in there as tears started falling. Now safe in my car. What a baby. 😭 I know I’m just having a moment I know this will pass I know things are and will get better. Off to set up direct deposit, walk with my friend and eventually go home when the dust from W moving out settles. Time for kids to be with their mom and me to reflect and being ok with being alone without the family I once had. I think it is gratitude check time for me. Really grateful for my dogs that will be with me while my kids are away. They are definitely my therapy dogs 🐶. I’m grateful my W and I have bet civil to each other through this gut wrenching experience. I’m grateful that I have a job that allows me to take time off to do what I need to do today. I’m grateful for the relationship with my sister which has gotten a lot better since the BD. She’s there anytime. I can call her. She listens and helps me out during those times I need someone.
Good for you setting up your own checking account and getting the direct deposit sorted out. There are some practicalities that one needs to attend to. If not yet done, I’d cancel joint credit cards and such, and request ones in your name only.
Glad you took the day off from work.
Really like the gratitude list. Dogs are good therapy. And talking with one’s sister is good too.
so starting tomorrow. I won’t see my kids for five days
So 5 days are now "Me time" and then back to "Dad time".
Initially, I spent the "me time" getting things ready for "Dad time". For example, going grocery shopping and having all the meals planned out. That transition into taking the kids grocery shopping and getting them involved in the process.
Most people do not get enough "alone time". Cherish it because it most likely will not last that long. Good time to keep focusing on your personal growth.
"Dad time" are some of my fondest memories. Got to know my kids much better.
so starting tomorrow. I won’t see my kids for five days
So 5 days are now "Me time" and then back to "Dad time".
Initially, I spent the "me time" getting things ready for "Dad time". For example, going grocery shopping and having all the meals planned out. That transition into taking the kids grocery shopping and getting them involved in the process.
Most people do not get enough "alone time". Cherish it because it most likely will not last that long. Good time to keep focusing on your personal growth.
"Dad time" are some of my fondest memories. Got to know my kids much better.
my self development goal during me time to learn to love unconditionally, have joy and excitement in preparation for dad time.
Here for you Dats. Be well, take good care and enjoy hockey and friends. I pray for healing, comfort and peace for your heart. Strength and courage mate.
I have my last hockey game of the season tonight - all heading out for a feast, beers and awards after.
Ugh…W movers coming today. We had some pretty good talks lately about hoping the best for each other. About making sure we are both getting our fair share of stuff in the house. About our self help development. I let her know that I hope the best for her. And concerned she i will be ok during this transition. Told W I will not be around the house today while she is moving out . I’m keeping busy today. Took the day off of work. went to a coffee shop this morning, chiropractor appointment, opened my own checking account, got kid skates sharpened just left restaurant, should not have started this post in there as tears started falling. Now safe in my car. What a baby. 😭 I know I’m just having a moment I know this will pass I know things are and will get better. Off to set up direct deposit, walk with my friend and eventually go home when the dust from W moving out settles. Time for kids to be with their mom and me to reflect and being ok with being alone without the family I once had. I think it is gratitude check time for me. Really grateful for my dogs that will be with me while my kids are away. They are definitely my therapy dogs 🐶. I’m grateful my W and I have bet civil to each other through this gut wrenching experience. I’m grateful that I have a job that allows me to take time off to do what I need to do today. I’m grateful for the relationship with my sister which has gotten a lot better since the BD. She’s there anytime. I can call her. She listens and helps me out during those times I need someone.
Hang in there my man. Don't know what to say really except I'm thinking about you and I feel for you. Hopefully one day you'll post about the movers coming to move her back in.
Definitely not a baby. Better to let it out than to just bottle it up. It will come out eventually anyway, better to be in control. Take care.
my self development goal during me time to learn to love unconditionally,
I was watching a clip by marlon Wayans talking about Jada Smith this morning and this caught my attention:
Originally Posted by Marlon Wayans
This woman was so smart. she used to teach me about love.
She had these big power words and descriptions of love when she was 19.
She was telling me love is acceptance. love is unconditional love has no expectations because then you will be disappointed love involves devastation love is forgiving and real love is healing and I learned love is learning to let go.
A good exercise might be to see how big we could make this list.
What are your love languages, primary and secondary?
No this is the first I remember hearing of this book. I have no clue with my love languages are. sounds like I need to add this to my list of books to read. I’m reading three books now so I’m gonna wait till I finish one of them before I start another one
my self development goal during me time to learn to love unconditionally,
I was watching a clip by marlon Wayans talking about Jada Smith this morning and this caught my attention:
Originally Posted by Marlon Wayans
This woman was so smart. she used to teach me about love.
She had these big power words and descriptions of love when she was 19.
She was telling me love is acceptance. love is unconditional love has no expectations because then you will be disappointed love involves devastation love is forgiving and real love is healing and I learned love is learning to let go. Love is caring about the happiness of others without a thought what we might get for ourselves Love is is not controlling Love is not dependent on an action we do or someone else does
A good exercise might be to see how big we could make this list.
Added to your list. Probably similar and I stole them from another post. Unfortunately I didn’t get this from my mom as an adult. I could never meet her expectations which gave me so much guilt and pushed me so far away. So I have to leave this baggage at the door. I need to keep developing myself to be a better model for my kids and give myself every chance possible to have a relationship with them as adults.
What are your love languages, primary and secondary?
No this is the first I remember hearing of this book. I have no clue with my love languages are. sounds like I need to add this to my list of books to read. I’m reading three books now so I’m gonna wait till I finish one of them before I start another one
you can take a love languages test online, I believe, which I recommend doing ASAP. I also recommend pushing that book to the top of the pile, because once I realized what my love languages were vs my husband's things became a lot clearer. I'd been showing him my love in a million ways (acts of service and touch) while he needed words of affirmation (not so much) so felt unloved. Didn't save our marriage, but did make communication better when I chose to remember that. Even when he did the bare minimum to help during our son's crisis, if I remembered to give words of affirmation for any effort at all it made the rest of the conversation easier.
Read the book. Take the test online. You will be surprised and a puzzle piece or two made slide into place. You're at a time when it's a new chapter and new patterns are being set. Don't put this learning about this tool off.
What are your love languages, primary and secondary?
No this is the first I remember hearing of this book. I have no clue with my love languages are. sounds like I need to add this to my list of books to read. I’m reading three books now so I’m gonna wait till I finish one of them before I start another one
you can take a love languages test online, I believe, which I recommend doing ASAP. I also recommend pushing that book to the top of the pile, because once I realized what my love languages were vs my husband's things became a lot clearer. I'd been showing him my love in a million ways (acts of service and touch) while he needed words of affirmation (not so much) so felt unloved. Didn't save our marriage, but did make communication better when I chose to remember that. Even when he did the bare minimum to help during our son's crisis, if I remembered to give words of affirmation for any effort at all it made the rest of the conversation easier.
Read the book. Take the test online. You will be surprised and a puzzle piece or two made slide into place. You're at a time when it's a new chapter and new patterns are being set. Don't put this learning about this tool off.
I’m assuming it is called The 5 Love languages by Gary Chapman. Which one do you recommend me buying first:
The 5 Love Languages of men - Gary Chapman speaks straight to men about the rewards of learning and speaking their wife's love language.
The 5 Love Languages of teenagers - loving teens effectively
The 5 Apology Languages: The Secret to Healthy Relationships
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts , Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married
One thing that I notice, and maybe it was brought up in the book, is people pass out what they want to receive. For example, people that like to receive sentimental cards, pass out sentimental cards. Same with gifts ect.
I found The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts to be a good read. It’s interesting to discover what one’s love language is, or if you’re multi-lingual even. And perhaps more interesting is to see what speaks less to you.
I suppose there has been people who posted or at least thought of posting some April fools jokes here. April fools day has always been a fun day for me as a kid. Now as a lay here in bed while my kids are still asleep in their beds at my house I vision the corny jokes they are going to make up. And me fake laughing at their jokes. Or maybe this is the year that the jokes stop due to them getting older. Spring has always been my favorite season. I love the birds chirping in the morning, snow melting, time to put snowblower, shovels, kids sleds, etc away. Neighbors coming outside after “hibernating” and enjoying longer conversations.
I’m grateful for for getting through the toughest step of this process. I’m grateful that most of my days have good parts in them. That I’m at a place where I have had some really happy new experiences. That I have accepted to be consciously aware of my anger and fears. That I’m learning to have joy and understand it’s importance in me.
I see myself being a better parent. I’m not reacting as much with them immediately. Example: I’m not reacting to D11 about being on her electronics as soon as I enter the room. She told me that this make her feel bad. That’s all I needed to hear now that I’m in the right mindset. Now my goal is to just say hi, give her a smile. Maybe say that I love you or give her a hug and then walk away and continue doing what I was doing. Then at the right time when I’m not annoyed I will talk with D11 about the amount of time on electronics. I’m following the same concept with S13.
I still mess up. Still stick my foot in my mouth. Still got upset with S13 when he was at a friends house and it was time for me to pick him up. I couldn’t get a hold of him cause his phone battery died - this happens all the time. Instead of just picking him up and waiting to let him know that he has to be responsible about keeping his phone charged when I was no longer upset. I let him know right away which got him made at me too. I knew immediately after that I should have waited.
W has been away for a week now. I was busy with housekeeping when the kids were gone. the time went by fast. S13 has expressed some all around sadness. I sent an email to his school counselor to make sure they talk this week. D11 says that she just tries not to think about it.
Me GAL has been being housekeeping, reading (got the 5 languages of love on the nightstand. Plan to do the online test this weekend) and going for walks. I planted seeds inside for my vegetable garden. I think I’ll take my kids to a golf simulator today. It’s spring break here and most families are traveling. I will know more about my finances in the next months so I can plan GAL with money.
Unfortunately, it was really hard for me to pick between some of the two choices based on my relationship with my wife over the last 15 or so years. I need to relearn some of the stuff that I really want versus what I really don’t want. but the results I can still agree with overall. I wonder if I get into a healthier relationship and take the test again how my results would differ. Or take the test after I read the book, to see how much the results would differ.
Unfortunately, it was really hard for me to pick between some of the two choices based on my relationship with my W over the last 15 or so years. I need to relearn some of the stuff that I really want versus what I really don’t want. but the results I can still agree with overall. I wonder if I get into a healthier relationship and take the test again how my results would differ. Or take the test after I read the book, to see how much the results would differ.
My top two (quality time and physical touch) were not being met with W
Unfortunately, it was really hard for me to pick between some of the two choices based on my relationship with my W over the last 15 or so years. I need to relearn some of the stuff that I really want versus what I really don’t want. but the results I can still agree with overall. I wonder if I get into a healthier relationship and take the test again how my results would differ. Or take the test after I read the book, to see how much the results would differ.
My top two (quality time and physical touch) were not being met with W
Yes this dynamic is generally what lands people here. She wasn’t meeting your needs so you weren’t motivated to meet hers. The resentment builds on both ends and it’s just a matter of time before someone pulls the rip cord first. This dynamic is something to keep in mind in your future relationships.
Unfortunately, it was really hard for me to pick between some of the two choices based on my relationship with my W over the last 15 or so years. I need to relearn some of the stuff that I really want versus what I really don’t want. but the results I can still agree with overall. I wonder if I get into a healthier relationship and take the test again how my results would differ. Or take the test after I read the book, to see how much the results would differ.
My top two (quality time and physical touch) were not being met with W
Just remember to be brutally honest with your assessment of your LL.
Any guy that isn't gettin' laid will tell you that his LL is Physical touch... right until you realize that it's probably not...
It's a Mars/Venus thing. That for intimacy, Men have to feel the physical to become emotional, and it is the opposite for our Superior counterparts where they have to feel the emotional before they can truly enjoy the physical aspect of intimacy.
So, be brutally honest with your results. Absorb what it means to you, cause I'm gonna throw you a curveball in a couple weeks with it...
I wonder if I get into a healthier relationship and take the test again how my results would differ. Or take the test after I read the book, to see how much the results would differ.
When you have someone that speaks the same love language as you do it is really great.
Something I didn't understand or realize when I was in your shoes.
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