I'm back!! Was here years ago trying to save my marriage. Wasn't successful, but eventually met a wonderful girl. I'm currently 45 with 3 adult children, she's 36 and never been married/no kids. We had the kids discussion early on and were on different pages, but continued dating (I know, I know). We maintained a 6 yr long distance relationship (8hrs away) and eventually became engaged. During the R, we usually avoided the kid talk. At one point, she said she was OK with not having kids and I probably heard what I wanted, so we didn't discuss it much afterwards. Finally, maybe 1-2 yrs ago, she told me she had been lying to herself and needed to have kids.
We stayed together (I know, I know) because neither one of us could break it off. End of May this year, I finally told her we needed to talk. Ended up breaking things off as I just couldn't imagine 'starting over' with babies. She took it harder than me- I think because I had been processing the breakup for a while. We continued to talk through the end of June, then communication stopped. I reached out late July because I missed her and we talked a time or 2. A couple weeks later, I text her wishing her good luck on her first day of school (teacher). Then about 2-3 weeks later I called her and we talked over a couple of days. Last week, I called her and told her I wanted to have kids with her. She took a few days to process, then called me earlier this week saying the answer was no. She still deeply loves me, but thinks I'm making the decision based on loneliness (kids left for college) and why didn't I feel this way years, even mos ago. I've set her back emotionally as she had tried to move on.
I'm not here for feedback on whether my intentions are true or just to get her back. I've put months of thought on what I want for my future, talked to friends/parents, prayed, etc. I want to be with her and I want to start a family with her. The way I feel for her is different than I ever felt for my ex wife. So whether you agree or disagree with my motives, I'm just looking for advice on how to 'win' her back. I understand that it's not likely and I'll need to move on, but I refuse not to fight for love. I know going silent is the most likely approach but I feel this situation is different than the typical busting stories because we both acknowldge that we still deeply love each other and we're 8hrs away. Thoughts??
Tarheel,
Yours is one of the first stories I followed when I found this site before I started posting. Your W had an affair with a guy at work. You guys tried to reconcile but your W never got her feelings back for you. If you don’t mind giving an update on what she is doing now?
Yeah you can’t win her back. That only happens in Hollywood. You stated your case and now you have to give her space to think and miss you. It’s going to be horrible for her to start over again at her age. Very slim pickings as most of the good guys that want a family are taken. It may take a little time but I’ll bet she reaches out.
Not cool what you did to her BTW. Messing with a woman who wants children is a major deal my friend.
Hey LH19!
Ex W and AP ended up getting married and live nearby. It took me a while, but I'm actually ok with both of them. The 3 of us ended grabbing drinks after we moved our daughter into college this past spring. I just came to accept that she's not the woman I married.
Thanks for the tiniest bit of hope- that's what I'm holding on to. I realize the pain I've put her through. She had made comments during the R that she was ok not having kids and like I said, she was lying to herself and I probably heard what I wanted, so was afraid to ever bring it back up in case she changed her mind. I would have never proposed knowing that. We both accept fault. I will forever feel an extreme amount of guilt for stealing 6 years of her life though.
I suppose that's what's most frustrating/confusing to me about this. The man she's still in love with has come back (too late in her mind) saying he wants to give her the thing she wants most, is willing to move 8hrs away from friends, family, his kids and given her age, the situation, etc she's not all for it. We've always talked about how we felt like we were meant to be. I foolishly expected her to be excited when I reached out to her with my change. I know it doesn't work that way though.
Because of our love for each other, I struggle with going silent or continuing to reach out and maintain a presence in her life. In the call when she told me no, she said that it's not like we can never speak again. I just don't know how that works if she's wanting to move on. She knows how I feel, so I suppose there's nothing more I can say.
So I would advise you not to get into the friend zone with her. If you want her to have second thoughts she needs to believe you are moving on.
I know going silent is the most likely approach but I feel this situation is different than the typical busting stories because we both acknowldge that we still deeply love each other and we're 8hrs away. Thoughts??
I also feel like this is maybe different in that I essentially ended things with her. And now after mos of being apart, I want her back. I struggle with 2 approaches:
1) She now knows how I feel. That I've changed my view on kids and want them with her. She took a week to think about it and replied no. Maybe just going silent and giving her more time to think is the way to go. If she wants to move forward with that scenario, she'll reach out to let me know.
2) Now that she knows how I feel, I should continue to communicate with her to show her my intentions are real and not made in a moment of loneliness. Reach out occasionally with small talk in hopes that she eventually can't envision a future without me.
Approach 1 is what my gut says, but she's got a super stressful few weeks of school related stuff ending next Sat (feel like I should check in to see how things went) and a bday on the 19th.
Nah. You made a mistake and tried to make amends and she rejected you. The ball is in her court and she will reach out if she changes her mind.
Tarheel, your situation is substantially different from a wayward wife or walkaway wife.
+ You don't get her if you expected her to be happy you changed your mind. You pulled the plug because you felt you'd never change your mind, then you changed your mind. She said she doesn't trust this quick change. Her skepticism seems reasonable and should ba addressed.
+ She found reasons to stay with you despite the incompatibility. You thought it was easier to pull the plug. Both of these erode her trust in you being one of us guys who stand by their partner through thick and thin (obviously, minus excessive situations like child abuse, cheating, etc.)
+ She worked through most of missing you, so absence isn't as likely to make her heart grow fonder.
+ If she's desirable she's probably hanging with those of us with too many fun date options, not those lamenting how hard online dating is. A pretty, fun, sexy, loyal, kind woman who wants to settle down ticks quite a few boxes.. if that's how you'd describe your ex-lady!
+ She's invited you to keep talking. The door is open.
This seems like a situation where she may be open to being won by you. Prove your change and affection can be consistent and you're willing to fight for her. Playing it cool is better than begging or being friends, but I'd bring your A game and flirt. Think of how you used to flirt with her, what jokes or compliments you used, what deeper truths you know.
You only regret the shots you don't take. Best of luck to you!
Tarheel,
We maintained a 6 yr long distance relationship (8hrs away) and eventually became engaged.
How did you sustain a relationship over such a far distance for so long? That must've been taxing at times. Did you ever live together for some period? I wonder if the significant time apart led to longing or mystery which being together all the time would not.
We continued to talk through the end of June, then communication stopped.
Who was reaching out through June? Why did the communication stop? Did both of you just stop on your own, or was one of you not responding?
Ex W and AP ended up getting married and live nearby. It took me a while, but I'm actually ok with both of them. The 3 of us ended grabbing drinks after we moved our daughter into college this past spring. I just came to accept that she's not the woman I married.
That has to be a tough pill to swallow. I guess time heals all wounds - or at least softens them - and you're further down the road than me, but I can't image grabbing drinks with my ExW and OM2.
I suppose that's what's most frustrating/confusing to me about this. The man she's still in love with has come back (too late in her mind) saying he wants to give her the thing she wants most, is willing to move 8hrs away from friends, family, his kids and given her age, the situation, etc she's not all for it. We've always talked about how we felt like we were meant to be. I foolishly expected her to be excited when I reached out to her with my change. I know it doesn't work that way though.
Can you put yourself in her situation? Understand you say it's genuine, and don't want feedback there, but in her mind you lived apart and didn't want kids for 6 years and now that it's over and you're alone all of a sudden you're moving for her and want kids? It's fair of her not to trust it's genuine.
I agree w/Traveler your situation is different than others with a WS/WAS and your sudden change of heart likely makes her question her trust in you, but I also lean towards LH you're unlikely to win her back with some grand gesture and that you need to give her space and let her miss you. Imo, she'll either join the dating pool and find someone and be happy, or get frustrated with it and get back in touch with you...but at her age it might be tough to find someone who immediately wants to have kids, if that's what she's looking for.
Do you know that she's not already dating someone? The timeline of May breakup with continued talks through end of June only for communication to be cut off and then responses brief when you reached out later in the Summer and Fall make me wonder if she found someone late June and then got confused by your turn-about in the Fall but decided to stick with the new guy. No clue - just speculating - but the timeline of events sounds suspicious (not that she wouldn't be in her rights to).
Don’t be silent. Grovel. Woo her.
But be prepared for her to still have doubts. You well know that having and raising a child is a huge lifetime commitment, and she’s right to question your commitment to that since you’re only doing it to get her back (and before you protest, if she disappeared tomorrow, would you be looking for a new partner to have kids with? No).
Because your actions didn’t match your words, you DID waste 6 years of her prime child-bearing years. What could you do now in ACTIONS, not words, to make it clear to her you’re sincere? Move to where she is? Propose marriage?
kml,
Don’t be silent. Grovel. Woo her.
You think? Granted Tarheel's situation might not be the typical LBS situation, but how often has that worked around here?
What could you do now in ACTIONS, not words, to make it clear to her you’re sincere? Move to where she is? Propose marriage?
They were already engaged, no? I would NOT move 8 hours away on a whim just to win her back. Seems like that would end in disaster...for Tarheel.
Do we know she hasn't already been dating someone since they initially stopped talking in Late June? Sounds like Tarheel was the one reaching out over the last month, not the other way around.
Over those 6 years, we saw each other probably every 4-6 weeks. The longest was maybe 8 weeks. Most of the time I drove down and stayed a week with her since my work is remote.
After our breakup in May, she did most of the reaching out (mostly text). A lot of 'I miss you' exchanged by both of us. I tried not to reach out as much because I thought it was best to help her move on (whoops). July 2nd was the last communication (phone call) until I reached out later in July telling her I missed talking to her. She took a day, but ended up calling me. So technically, it was only around 3 weeks before I reached out saying I missed her.
As far as dating someone, after I called her last week and ran through my change of heart, she told me that she had been dating someone for the past month. Said it wasn't anything serious, but after a month or so of barely getting out of bed, she decided she needed to pick herself back up. In a following call last week, she mentioned again that it wasn't anything serious, but that I had 'ruined it'. I didn't ask for an explanation, but I'm guessing that means she either told him that I had reached out or that by coming back into her life, I had thrown her into conflict.
Years and years ago, I had a vasectomy with Ex W. Earlier this year, I had a reversal consultation scheduled, but didn't go through with it (this was right around the time of breakup), which hurt ex fiancee. Before I called her last week, I did go through with a consultation. During the call, she brought up how I had canceled my previous appt and I told her that I had ended up going more recently. So I have shown some action that I'm serious. Also told her that my plan would be to list my house and move to her at the end of the year.
Tarheel,
Over those 6 years, we saw each other probably every 4-6 weeks. The longest was maybe 8 weeks. Most of the time I drove down and stayed a week with her since my work is remote.
Also told her that my plan would be to list my house and move to her at the end of the year.
I'm assuming a major reason you didn't move to her town was being close to your school-aged children, but now that they're adults you have more flexibility. Why is it that she never moved for you?
TH,
Sorry about the conflicting advice I know it makes things confusing for you. You definitely don’t want to propose or move there right now. You stated your case that you made a mistake so she knows where you stand. If she is deeply in love with you as you claim she will reach out again. She’s with another guy right now so you need to man up and respect it. If everything you say is true I am sure if you are patient you will here from her again.
Tarheel,
Over those 6 years, we saw each other probably every 4-6 weeks. The longest was maybe 8 weeks. Most of the time I drove down and stayed a week with her since my work is remote.
Also told her that my plan would be to list my house and move to her at the end of the year.
I'm assuming a major reason you didn't move to her town was being close to your school-aged children, but now that they're adults you have more flexibility. Why is it that she never moved for you?
Exactly why I didn't move there, which she referenced the other day as everything being on my timeline. We had discussed her moving to me, but she has an older father that she helps take care of and couldn't move away from him.
I ended up breaking things off as I just couldn't imagine 'starting over' with babies. She took it harder than me- I think because I had been processing the breakup for a while. We continued to talk through the end of June, then communication stopped....I want to be with her and I want to start a family with her.....I'm just looking for advice on how to 'win' her back....Thoughts??
My first serious talk with my lady was regarding kids together. She wanted, I did not. It was not my choice to stay together, it was hers. To 'win' her back,
every time she brings it up, you apologize and admit you were wrong for ending it and hurting her.
All is fair in love and war. Neither of you are married. No one is cheating on each other. Ask her out to dinner. Do all the preplanning, just like a first date. "Are you free on Oct 15th around 7PM? I would love to have dinner with you at SoandSo restaurant."
Obviously there is past attraction. Right now you may want to put more focus on your seduction techniques (indirect attraction).
Keep dating other woman (at least 2 others) during this process.
WTH??? No, do NOT date other women if you want to win her back. Absolutely not.
Also - re: vasectomy reversal. If she is really serious about wanting another child, these statistics may be important for you both to know:
"It's estimated that the success rate of a vasectomy reversal is: 75% if you have your vasectomy reversed within 3 years. up to 55% after 3 to 8 years. between 40% and 45% after 9 to 14 years."
Ha, looks like the advice here is as conflicted as my mind is!
This time of year is always stressful for her. She runs all the Homecoming activities at her school and it all wraps up this upcoming Saturday morning with the parade. Assuming I don't hear from her this week, I think my plan is to text her Fri night wishing her good luck with the parade and asking her to send me some pics. Her response should go a long way in revealing how much contact she still wants. Obviously hoping the more communication leads to a discussion about my attitude shift. Also hoping to work up to an in person mtg (maybe for her bday later this month?). In a last ditch effort, I had planned on driving down last Fri, then texting to ask if she'd meet me for a convo. When I told her that (after I decided against it), she said she would not have met me, but it felt more like an 'I can't see you in person because it will rock my world' as opposed to an 'I don't want to see you' remark.
The challenge is not getting her to fall back in love, as she told me she still and will always love me. It's proving to her that my change of heart is true and her getting over the fact that I didn't feel this way previously.
Also - re: vasectomy reversal. If she is really serious about wanting another child, these statistics may be important for you both to know:
"It's estimated that the success rate of a vasectomy reversal is: 75% if you have your vasectomy reversed within 3 years. up to 55% after 3 to 8 years. between 40% and 45% after 9 to 14 years."
Yea, we're both aware of the stats. It's been 13 yrs for me, but my Dr thought around 85%. Was more concerned about her age. Regardless, we'd need to have in depth conversations on what happens if we can't do it naturally.
And no, I have no plans on dating anyone else right now.
Can you write out the last text exchange?
To be honest this sounds like a typical WW situation where too much resentment has been built up and you got the ILYBINILWY speech.
Can you write out the last text exchange?
To be honest this sounds like a typical WW situation where too much resentment has been built up and you got the ILYBINILWY speech.
Our last text (Fri) was just coordinating a time to talk. We had the call Thurs where she said no, then she text the next day asking if she could call me saying she had a few things to say (ended up just to apologize for getting upset with me/raising her voice during Thurs call). Haven't text/spoke since then.
WTH??? No, do NOT date other women if you want to win her back. Absolutely not.
Did I miss that they are committed to each other?
Can you write out the last text exchange?
To be honest this sounds like a typical WW situation where too much resentment has been built up and you got the ILYBINILWY speech.
Our last text (Fri) was just coordinating a time to talk. We had the call Thurs where she said no, then she text the next day asking if she could call me saying she had a few things to say (ended up just to apologize for getting upset with me/raising her voice during Thurs call). Haven't text/spoke since then.
Ok. So that's good she apologized. She knows where you stand. The ball is in her court. You can do the texting thing and check in from time to time letting her know you are available while she dates other men. Or you can go silent and have her wonder what you are up to and wait for her to reach out. You will than accept nothing less than a meet up date. Scarcity creates value. The choice is yours.
The challenge is ...proving to her that my change of heart is true and her getting over the fact that I didn't feel this way previously.
Correct. The best way is in person so she can see it in your eyes, with your facial expressions, body language ect....
Ask her out to dinner. Do all the preplanning, just like a first date. "Are you free on Oct 15th around 7PM? I would love to have dinner with you at SoandSo restaurant."
You will than accept nothing less than a meet up date.
Guys...they live 8hrs away from each other. They can't just agree to meet up at some wine bar tomorrow night.
Guys...they live 8hrs away from each other. They can't just agree to meet up at some wine bar tomorrow night.
Who says it has to be tomorrow night? I am trying to keep him from friend zoning himself.
Guys...they live 8hrs away from each other. They can't just agree to meet up at some wine bar tomorrow night.
Who says it has to be tomorrow night? I am trying to keep him from friend zoning himself.
I guess my ideal scenario would be if she responds to my text about the parade and we can maintain some level of communication up until her bday (19th), I could ask if I could take her to bday dinner that weekend. A long way to go til then, but might be the 1st in person opportunity outside of surprising her at the parade Sat morning (that's a joke btw). On our last call, she asked about my start date for a new job (originally tomorrow but this morning it was pushed to next week). Curious to see if she'll reach out to wish me luck tonight or see how the 1st day went tomorrow.
I said two weeks out (on a Saturday).
Guys...they live 8hrs away from each other. They can't just agree to meet up at some wine bar tomorrow night.
Who says it has to be tomorrow night? I am trying to keep him from friend zoning himself.
I agree w/avoiding the friend zone. Just saying due to the extreme distance it's likely some phone or video discussions would happen first, as opposed to a quick date plan in person.
Tarheel - I would strongly recommend against the grand gestures of reversing the vasectomy and/or selling your house to "show her how committed you are". Imo it's more likely you'd move there to find out she's been dating someone for 2 months than a Hollywood reunion & happy ending. You dated a long time and she knows what you mean to each other. She's either going to find someone else or get frustrated with the dating pool and reach back out. I think it's even likely you haven't heard the last of her. But I lean more towards LH and R2C in the move on and scarcity creates value vs. the kml and Traveler wooing her with gestures approach.
...we can maintain some level of communication up until....
There are better "tactics" to "win" her back.
Obviously you know her better than we do, but from the research I have done, talking and texting gets you into the "friend zone" quicker. You are also now competing with
at least one other dude. Your only goal is to set an in person meetup.
Google: "24 Rules Of Seduction", read the book. I took the most notes from this one book during my divorce. It is a must read for all here.
Ask her out to dinner. Do all the preplanning, just like a first date. "Are you free on Oct 15th around 7PM? I would love to have dinner with you at SoandSo restaurant."
You will than accept nothing less than a meet up date.
Guys...they live 8hrs away from each other. They can't just agree to meet up at some wine bar tomorrow night.
BL, I don't see why they couldn't? 8 hours is 1/3 of day's travel.
I would travel much longer to have kids with the one I love. I'd march up the mountain and back down if I had to.
ovrrnbw,
I would travel much longer to have kids with the one I love. I'd march up the mountain and back down if I had to.
Guess it depends whether the one you love is at the top of the mountain smiling with open arms or frowning ready to push you back down. Seems like rarely outside of Hollywood do grand gestures work once an emotional decision is made, but hey...I'd be happy to admit I was wrong if it does.
Well I agree normally but this is seduction and attraction not necessarily DB.
She probably doesn't know how serious he is either.
Well I agree normally but this is seduction and attraction not necessarily DB.
She probably doesn't know how serious he is either.
Tarheel, good luck man. I have no advice for you since I do not believe you are being true to yourself. LH used to have a quote about not chasing people. Live the life you want and the people worthy of you will come and stay I your life. My fear is that you are compromising what you want, and if you were to win her back and start a family in a few years you'd be miserable because you settled for something you didn't want.
So i know you just wanted advice on getting her back. I'll let the experts in that area take over. But I think you already know the answers there.
Peace to you! I truly hope you find the happiness you seek.
I guess my ideal scenario would be if she responds to my text about the parade and we can maintain some level of communication up until her bday (19th)
Don’t be silent. Woo her. What could you do now in ACTIONS, not words, to make it clear to her you’re sincere?
Imo, she'll either join the dating pool and find someone and be happy, or get frustrated with it and get back in touch with you...
Google: "24 Rules Of Seduction", read the book.
Well I agree normally but this is seduction and attraction not necessarily DB.
Tarheel, I was the first to say to woo her. I hope you're doing something active this weekend to take your shot. If you wait for it, wait for it.. by the 19th new guy won't be so new. That's two weekends away and about four more rolls in the hay. Good women are worth fighting for. I've "won" women from other guys, and won second chances with ex's--in this case you have a huge leg up if you don't hesitate. Don't be passive, silent. Be the guy she freely chooses because he's best for her. Not the guy she falls back on because nobody else was interested enough.
>>> TAKE ACTION! <<<Steve raises a good point--do be sure this is what you want. The more certain you are you want kids, the easier it will be to find actions to convince her this isn't just you feeling lonely.
I guess my ideal scenario would be if she responds to my text about the parade and we can maintain some level of communication up until her bday (19th)
Don’t be silent. Woo her. What could you do now in ACTIONS, not words, to make it clear to her you’re sincere?
Imo, she'll either join the dating pool and find someone and be happy, or get frustrated with it and get back in touch with you...
Google: "24 Rules Of Seduction", read the book.
Well I agree normally but this is seduction and attraction not necessarily DB.
Tarheel, I was the first to say to woo her. I hope you're doing something active this weekend to take your shot. If you wait for it, wait for it.. by the 19th new guy won't be so new. That's two weekends away and about four more rolls in the hay. Good women are worth fighting for. I've "won" women from other guys, and won second chances with ex's--in this case you have a huge leg up if you don't hesitate. Don't be passive, silent. Be the guy she freely chooses because he's best for her. Not the guy she falls back on because nobody else was interested enough.
>>> TAKE ACTION! <<<Steve raises a good point--do be sure this is what you want. The more certain you are you want kids, the easier it will be to find actions to convince her this isn't just you feeling lonely.
Get a boombox and go to her to her window and paly "Baby Comeback" by the band Player. Works in the movies.
Did you finish all 467 pages...lol
Text ex F last night wishing her good luck with the Homecoming parade she organizes and telling her to let me know how it went. Still no response. So she's either going no contact on me or trying to figure things out. Not sure what my next move is. Probably text again sometime in the next day or 2. Need to figure out what to say.
Talked with 3 good friends yesterday. They were all in agreement that I should go all out.
Oh boy you are going to full court press a girl even if she can’t give you a simple reply to your text?
Sure I bet your friends have watched all the movies where they actually works.
My suggestion is the ball is in her court. If she responds set a date. If she accepts she has interest. If she does not you move on like she isn’t coming back.
Sure I bet your friends have watched all the movies where they actually works.
Ex F is a huge Hallmark channel movie fan, soooo....lol
Lol - I hate those Hallmark movies but love Korean romcom dramas. Easily some of the most romantic scenes ever - if I met a guy who did half the romantic things in those shows I would be putty in their hands.
Lol - I hate those Hallmark movies but love Korean romcom dramas. Easily some of the most romantic scenes ever - if I met a guy who did half the romantic things in those shows I would be putty in their hands.
Sooooooo you may want to ask K how old she is before you take her advice.
Lol - yes, I’m old! But the things I like in the Korean dramas are things I liked when men did them in my younger days too. I don’t think they’re generational. Probably have more to do with Physical Touch being my Love Language. Love the scenes where a guy puts his hand behind the woman’s neck as he pulls her into a kiss, the handholding, the hair stroking, the affectionate kiss on top of the head. YMMV if Physical Touch isn’t her love language.
Tarheel,
Talked with 3 good friends yesterday. They were all in agreement that I should go all out.
What does "all out" mean? Your friends want the best for you, but arne't giving the realistic advice.
Not sure what my next move is.
Just one man's advice, but...
you already made your move. You told her you changed your mind about having a child with her and were willing to sell your house and move to her...and she said "no". You've been the one pursuing with texts for a few months now, only to rarely hear back if at all. If you continue texting & calling it's going to come off as needy and weak...not attractive. And if you reserve the vasectomy and sell your house on a whim...be wary of a bad ending.
You two have plenty of history. She knows where to find you if she wants you back. Give her some space and a chance to miss you and display strong behavior.
Wish you the best of luck, just not convinced the "all out" Hollywood RomCom ending is going to work.
kml,
Lol - I hate those Hallmark movies but love Korean romcom dramas. Easily some of the most romantic scenes ever - if I met a guy who did half the romantic things in those shows I would be putty in their hands.
You'd be putty in the man's hands IF you were super attracted and your heart/mind was open to him. Otherwise it'd come off as needy and annoyed and you'd be turned off. They say the difference between romantic and stalker behavior from the man is the woman's level of attraction.
But I wouldn’t be dating a guy or putting myself in a position to be kissed by him if I wasn’t attracted to him.
Well K this thread isn’t about you. You and your son CW are trying to convince Tarheel to chase a woman who has rejected him and is with someone else. It’s very confusing for a poster when he gets conflicting advice. He naturally wants to chase so all he needs is for one or two people to suggest it.
This is not a WAS situation. This is completely different. If he wants to convince her he’s serious and committed and actually interested in having a child with her, he needs to pursue. She’ll be testing him to see if he’s genuine or of this is just because he’s lonely at the moment.
BTW, my personal opinion is that he should accept it and move on. I don’t think children should be brought into the world by parents who are ambivalent, and most of what I’m hearing is not that he desires another child, but that he doesn’t want to let her go.
So he told her he made a mistake. She rejected him. She’s dating another man. He just reached out to her again and she didn’t respond. Ok so K what’s his next move because if he’s not careful he’s getting into restraining order territory.
This is not a WAS situation. This is completely different. If he wants to convince her he’s serious and committed and actually interested in having a child with her, he needs to pursue. She’ll be testing him to see if he’s genuine or of this is just because he’s lonely at the moment.
That's the dilemma I wrestle with internally. She didn't respond to my text, so I feel like I need to go no contact, but I also think that if I don't continue to pursue, it maybe (in her mind) confirms her assumption that my decision was made in a moment of loneliness.
Right now, I'm leaning towards going no contact for at least the next few days. To LH's point, there is a balance of reiterating my stance vs coming across as a stalker who refuses to accept no for an answer. If I reach back out in a few days, I'm not sure what I would even say. She's super emotional and always expected grand gestures, so I wonder if this is a test. She's a polite, do the right thing southern girl, so seems so out of place for her not to respond to such a simple text without some reasoning behind it (either moving on or needing time to think).
It’s amazing the power of logic goes out the window in these situations. You have a bunch of guys who have studied relationships and attraction for several years saying you need to let her be and come to you and you have an older woman who likes to be pursued and you are leaning towards her advice. This is all because your brain is telling you to pursue.
This is very basic attraction stuff. If she wants to be in your life she will make it easy for you.
When do decide to reach out again come here first and get advice on the LAST text you will ever send without a response.
It’s amazing the power of logic goes out the window in these situations. You have a bunch of guys who have studied relationships and attraction for several years saying you need to let her be and come to you and you have an older woman who likes to be pursued and you are leaning towards her advice. This is all because your brain is telling you to pursue.
In my last post, I said I was planning on going NC. Trust me, I've been here before and was too foolish to follow advise because 'I know my W better than you', I was too afraid to lose her, she would never do that to me, etc. However, I think you could argue that this situation is somewhat opposite- I've become the WAS who's coming back to LBS to say I want back in the R, but she doesn't believe my change. In that case, I have a feeling that the advise here would be that I have to prove I'm serious, willing to do whatever it takes, etc. I was essentially NC before I reached out to her with my change of heart weeks ago only to find out she had been dating.
Again, I'm planning on NC (at least for now), but just trying to explain how I understand both approaches. And it's not lost on me that it's most likely over and I'll need to move on.
TH,
The thing is you can’t prove yourself to someone without getting your foot in the door. You can’t get your foot in the door unless she open the door even a crack. You stated your case to her that you made a mistake and that’s all you can do. If she has even an inkling of hope or interest in you she will reach out again. That’s when you set a date. If she declines you move on again. Every single girl I have ever dated and have broken up with not matter whose idea has reached out again accept for one.
However, I think you could argue that this situation is somewhat opposite- I've become the WAS who's coming back to LBS to say I want back in the R, but she doesn't believe my change. In that case, I have a feeling that the advise here would be that I have to prove I'm serious, willing to do whatever it takes, etc.
My point exactly.
And as for my being an "older woman who likes to be pursued" - first of all, I probably have more dating and relationship experience than any of you - with age comes wisdom! And as for liking to be pursued - my history is more of being the pursuer - often to my detriment. I'm only learning now to let guys pursue me (or, rather, to give the ones who pursue me a chance).
Ok K as I stated before what’s his next move? What does all your dating experience tell him to do next? Singing telegram?
My best advise for you is to listen to LH19 (not the sarcastic comments). He knows what he is talking about.
I want her back. I struggle with 2 approaches:
1) She now knows how I feel. That I've changed my view on kids and want them with her. She took a week to think about it and replied no. Maybe just going silent and giving her more time to think is the way to go. If she wants to move forward with that scenario, she'll reach out to let me know.
2) Now that she knows how I feel, I should continue to communicate with her to show her my intentions are real and not made in a moment of loneliness. Reach out occasionally with small talk in hopes that she eventually can't envision a future without me.
Approach 1 is what my gut says
Number 1.
Reaching out with "small talk" will get you (I mean keep you) into friend zone.
Ex F finally responded to my text-
'I'm sorry I haven't responded. I was sick all day Friday and pushed myself through the day. Went home and took a COVID test and it was positive. Thought I had the flu, so felt bad about the exposure. Anyway, it's been awful and totally different this time. Finally feeling back to myself. The parade was a huge success. Biggest turn out yet. Thank you for asking! Hope the job is going well!'
I haven't responded yet
Do you really want to have kids or do you really just want her back?
I’m doubting your sincerity regarding the kids and I’m just over here reading along on the internet .
I can’t imagine how she might be feeling .
I won’t comment on the kid thing because it’s a whole another ball of wax.
“I’m sorry you got Covid again and I am glad you are feeling back to yourself. Its great to hear the parade was a huge success and you had your biggest turnout yet! I appreciate you asking about my job which is going really well right now, I’m working on project X. When you’re schedule is free I would love to get together and catch up. Let me know your availability”.
Tarheel
Ball is in her court. Can help further once you receive a response.
Message sent.
I won't go into the kid thing either because I know there's nothing I can type on a message board that's going to convince anyone of my change in stance.
Any response or has the games begun?
No response to my text. I don't plan reaching out again until her bday next Wed. Figure I'll ask if we can meet up that weekend. It's as good of an excuse to meet up as there is right now. If it's a no, that might be time to throw in the towel. Or at least go no contact for good.
If you sent the text I suggested I would not follow up with another. Even on her birthday. The ball is in her court. She knows where you stand. If she has even a miniscule of interest she will reach out. Do not settle for anything less than a meet-up. Your best chance is for you to show that I would love to meet up and work this out but you will walk if she doesn't reciprocate.
No response to my text. I don't plan reaching out again until her bday next Wed. Figure I'll ask if we can meet up that weekend. It's as good of an excuse to meet up as there is right now. If it's a no, that might be time to throw in the towel. Or at least go no contact for good.
she responds to my text.
The next text she sends
should be an answer to your question. Your texting goal is to close an in person date.
I would be assessing how enthusiastically she is pursuing you for an in person date.
Tarheel,
I'm with LH & R2C...no additional contact unless you hear back from her.
You could probably feel that in her response about your parade message there was nothing but a polite answer. Even with COVID or the flu people text back if they really want to engage with you...not take 4 days.
She can sense the real reason you're occasionally texting. If she's interested in that she'll let you know. Instead of staying on the hook, try making her feel like she might lose you.
I would like to add that although I agree the Covid excuse is most likely just that an excuse and she maybe slow playing you.
What is very important is that you don’t become a backup plan. She’s either in or she needs to feel you are moving on. I will stress this again. If she is even slightly interested you will hear from her again. You text her again on her birthday you buy her more time to find your replacement.
How's it going Tarheel? Anything happen on her birthday last week?
I called her and left a vm around 9pm on the day of her bday. Just a short 'happy bday, hope you had a good day'. She text the next day saying thanks and that she had been asleep when I called. Shortly after her text, I called with the intent of asking about a bday dinner that weekend. We talked for about 15 mins- just about her school day and some other small talk. She was on her way to a teacher friend's for pumpkin carving. Before we hung up, I asked about coming to town and treating her to a bday dinner. She said she was headed out of town, asked what for, if I was currently in town...it was almost like she wanted to, but didn't. She asked if she could call me back since she was at the house. Ended up texting me at midnight apologizing multiple times for not calling back and saying she'd call the next day.
So she called me the next day saying she couldn't do dinner. I asked about a raincheck, but she has a few things going on next weekend too. Then it turned into more of 'I can't, why are you asking, didn't we already have this conversation....' It ended up as pretty much a repeat of the 1st convo we had. She says she loves me and that it upsets her knowing that she's upsetting me, but that it's too late. I then gave an 'I hope you find your fairy tale' (not in a spiteful way) final goodbye. I've been surprised at her lack of emotion during our calls. She's always been super emotional in the past. I think it's a combination of being over me and trying to stay tough- I can hear conflict in her responses at times and she said that after our last call, it took her a few days to 'get over it'.
She text me the next night letting me know that her Amazon account was hacked and I should keep an eye on my credit card (we shared accounts), but I didn't respond. I don't really expect to hear from her and I'm not planning on reaching out.
I did see a counselor yesterday morning to discuss the R, my kids leaving for college, my identity, etc. He asked how I thought ex fiancé would respond if I just showed up, so that approach has creeped back into my mind, but at this point, I think it would come across as stalkerish. Continuing with counseling and we'll see what he thinks, but it's probably time to move on and if she reaches out, she reaches out. Just hars to process as I still feel deep down that we're meant to be. I never felt that way with ex W of 15 years.
Tarheel - Sorry it didn't go the way you wanted. Time for LRT.
Yikes. Yeah the proving your love thing is for movies. I am sorry you received that kind of advice here. My guess is she is still with other dude. NEVER call or text her again. If she reaches out with something real not an Amazon hacked account text ask her to meet you for a date.
Onward and upward!
Now that that played out as expected, do you still want kids? This is just a yes or no question.
If yes, then make sure every woman you date clearly knows this.
If no, then make sure every woman knows this.
No need to post your answer here. It is part of what defines you and helps you sift for a partner.