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Posted By: KitCat Stranger Things 2 - 04/11/22 09:19 PM
Link to previous thread...

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2930375#Post2930375
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/11/22 10:17 PM
Originally Posted by KitCat
I would love to hear from him again but I would be surprised. He is super talented at ghosting and it doesn't take much to trigger it. All I can do is give him space but d*mn if I'm not pissed about it!!!! But, I no longer chasing him. He has my number.

Being super talented at ghosting says something about who he is as a person. If he were internet dating, I’m sure my XH would have this talent as well. This is likely a bullet dodged my friend.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/11/22 10:32 PM
^^ why would you love to hear from him again if he is a master at ghosting, isn’t consistent says the stuff he does? There is no sex that is worth all of that.
Posted By: KitCat Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/21/22 02:30 PM
I hear you Ginger!!! I was referring to his past behavior and was expecting more of the same... given how the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior... blah blah blah.

I reached out with an olive branch mid-week.... SILENCE. I finally just got into my "I" statements. I'm trying to get out of my own head and stop expecting people to know how I feel or what I want... so into the "I feel like you don't like me when I don't hear from you for several days... followed up with I like X about him, giving him some appreciation" ANY psychologist would have thrown amazing kudos to the statement giving my feelings voice without being defensive or critical. GO ME!!!

I know that he is dismissive avoidant... and its imperative to give a lot of space after something like that... and while I've really worked on my issues with patience... frack I still crack.

After another day I texted him "I'm not sure why you are stonewalling me but I guess it doesn't matter does it" He finally responded that "its been a shitshow all week, he's 30hr no sleep so chill out, I don't need your snide comments"

I don't mind a guy calling me out on my sh*t and telling me to chill out. Its been a rough week apparently. But, it really only takes 2.5sec to text Hi, or hey, I'll get back to you later. In the past he has texted pretty frequently when he travels.

But, his dismissive avoidance triggers the anxious person in me... the terrible people pleaser I am. I tried to keep it upbeat in my response. I validated his bad week, I apologized for my behavior and I said I hated that his week went so badly.

AND, then the world turns......

My XH texted me yesterday asking if I would be home tonight. His texts are on mute so it was some weird twist of fate I even noticed that he texted.

I did not want to see him so I lied and said "no". He was supposed to mail the car title to me but now he wants to see me???

He responded that he would be in my town later today and asked if he could drop off the car title in my mailbox.

NOW---- I had literally just fallen 5ft backwards off a ladder landing on the back of my head and lower back. I was in a lot of pain and had just been lying on the floor for the longest time not able to get up.

I was confused, disoriented.

I actually asked XH why was he coming to my town. ((I know I should not have, but I'm not thinking clearly)).

He said he had an errand. He was picking up motorcycle parts.

ME - Oh your bike trip is coming up right ((he told me when we were in the jacuzzi tub together in Dec))

XH - yes

ME - Anyway, I just fell backwards 5ft off a ladder landing on my head. Yes, leave it in the mailbox.

I don't know why I had a conversation with him. Those stopped weeks ago. I do NOT want to see him.

So XH came to the house. Pulled in the driveway and parked. Got out and rang the doorbell. What the Heck???? I did not answer the door. I did NOT want to see him. I already told him to leave it in the mailbox. He eventually left.

Turns out he was texting me about the accident I had, was it in the house? what was I doing?

Anyway, I texted pilot that today totally sucked and that I had fallen off a ladder, etc.

GUESS WHAT??? Nothing but crickets.

How crazy is it that my XH is showing more concern than the guy who's been wanting in my pants.

He is an A-hole first class... number deleted!!!!

As for my XH ----- D*MN HIM!!!!!! I did NOT want to see him. And, now all these texts from him open up feelings that I don't need or want anymore. Why didn't he just mail the car title like he stated he would???

I'm still in pretty bad shape from my fall yesterday.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/21/22 03:00 PM
Originally Posted by KitCat
How crazy is it that my XH is showing more concern than the guy who's been wanting in my pants.
Doesn't your ex-h just want to get in your pants?
Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm still in pretty bad shape from my fall yesterday.
Sorry to hear and I hope you are ok.
Posted By: BL42 Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/21/22 04:04 PM
KitCat,

At this point you know what you're getting in both ExH and Pilot. Don't expect them to change. Personally I'd drop them both, focus on yourself, and only give energy to those genuinely interested in you. Just my $0.02.
Posted By: KitCat Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/21/22 04:22 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by KitCat
How crazy is it that my XH is showing more concern than the guy who's been wanting in my pants.
Doesn't your ex-h just want to get in your pants?

Not since I told him I would not be his side hustle.

To be honest things got pretty cold by the end of March.

I had to contact about a business item a week ago via email. He responded but then I never followed up. They are things he needs to take care of and I'm not going to nag.

I have no idea why he wanted to see me yesterday. I just don't see the point any more. Its weird though because I have never turned down an opportunity to see him, even for a few minutes.
Posted By: KitCat Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/21/22 04:22 PM
Originally Posted by BL42
KitCat,

At this point you know what you're getting in both ExH and Pilot. Don't expect them to change. Personally I'd drop them both, focus on yourself, and only give energy to those genuinely interested in you. Just my $0.02.

You are absolutely right.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/21/22 04:38 PM
Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by KitCat
How crazy is it that my XH is showing more concern than the guy who's been wanting in my pants.
Doesn't your ex-h just want to get in your pants?

Not since I told him I would not be his side hustle.

To be honest things got pretty cold by the end of March.

I had to contact about a business item a week ago via email. He responded but then I never followed up. They are things he needs to take care of and I'm not going to nag.

I have no idea why he wanted to see me yesterday. I just don't see the point any more. Its weird though because I have never turned down an opportunity to see him, even for a few minutes.
Well I think that is my point. Sex off table he goes cold. You are better than that but YOU have to believe it.
Posted By: KitCat Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/21/22 05:01 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by KitCat
How crazy is it that my XH is showing more concern than the guy who's been wanting in my pants.
Doesn't your ex-h just want to get in your pants?

Not since I told him I would not be his side hustle.

To be honest things got pretty cold by the end of March.

I had to contact about a business item a week ago via email. He responded but then I never followed up. They are things he needs to take care of and I'm not going to nag.

I have no idea why he wanted to see me yesterday. I just don't see the point any more. Its weird though because I have never turned down an opportunity to see him, even for a few minutes.
Well I think that is my point. Sex off table he goes cold. You are better than that but YOU have to believe it.

I hear you.

Things got cold because I pushed pretty hard. He made some lame comment about how didn't care about me or my business and I sent screen shots where he was recently very much asking me about my business - like how was my day? how was my flight? etc. It was a huge push and made him angry and all his walls came back up.

That really doesn't matter.

I wish he would have just mailed the d*mn title... or at least not come to ring the doorbell. I didn't want to see him. I know there is still part of me that wants to ask him to come back home. I'm afraid it will always be there.

I hurt so bad. I cannot wait to get to bed and just lay in one spot.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/21/22 06:56 PM
Originally Posted by KitCat
Things got cold because I pushed pretty hard. He made some lame comment about how didn't care about me or my business and I sent screen shots where he was recently very much asking me about my business - like how was my day? how was my flight? etc.

So you had to prove you were right. I bet that reminded him of old KK.
Originally Posted by KitCat
It was a huge push and made him angry and all his walls came back up.

So KK just like with the pilot and his kibble and bits you think these minor things are what push them away when the truth is they were never there in the first place for anything other than sex.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I wish he would have just mailed the d*mn title... or at least not come to ring the doorbell. I didn't want to see him.
You do not sound very detached.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I know there is still part of me that wants to ask him to come back home. I'm afraid it will always be there.
When you are running around with pilot you fine. When you are alone you think up horrible ideas.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I hurt so bad. I cannot wait to get to bed and just lay in one spot.
Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Tomorrow is another day.
Posted By: KitCat Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/21/22 09:32 PM
LH -- I meant I hurt physically NOT emotionally when I wanted to lay in bed. smile

And you are correct for calling me out on showing XH I was right --- No excuse. I was reacting defensively to some mean things he said.

I've really had to sit my butt down and work on not needing to say the last word. Its gotten better over the last 2yr. Learning to walk to away after they have their say. I still F up from time to time.

As for wanting to ask my H back home... that's where my brain takes me, the fairytail I seem to want to live in. He went out of his way to bring it to me rather than mail it and even when I said I did not want to see him... he still tried. And, then my brain goes to the place that maybe part of him still wants me... BARF. So that is the reason I said no to his meet up.

Maybe I'm not detached. Maybe I never will be but I thought I was doing the right thing by telling him no to seeing him.

As for pilot... I just put a torch to that MoFo... I told him he I was not perfect but that he was an Ahole. I deeply regret the name calling. That is a bit beneath me but I did not have a single friend who didn't cheer me on when I said I did that.

I have a 4 day weekend and NO PLANS...
Posted By: LH19 Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/21/22 09:57 PM
I think you never have been able to detach because you have never distanced yourself from him.
Posted By: Kind18 Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/22/22 01:56 AM
Hey KitCat! Sorry you’ve had a crap time and hit your head. And I hope the 2x4’s below don’t come across as harsh, but they are sent from a place of care.

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I'm not sure why you are stonewalling me but I guess it doesn't matter does it

If an ex texted me a fishing/attention seeking bait like this, I’d be roughly a ba-jillion times less likely to respond to any future messages.

Quote
But, his dismissive avoidance triggers the anxious person in me...

Sounds like you’re trying to make your issue with avoidance/people pleasing his fault.

Quote
I did not want to see him so I lied and said "no".

Why? How about “Yes I’m home, but I don’t want to see you. Just leave it in the mail box.”

Quote
Anyway, I texted pilot that today totally sucked and that I had fallen off a ladder, etc.

GUESS WHAT??? Nothing but crickets.

You seem to have an insatiable need for validation. If pilot guy is a douche, why do you want him to care so much? Maybe that’s something that needs to be explored further.

If you keep sticking your hand in a fire, you’ll keep getting hurt.

LH is correct. Detach, detach, detach!
Posted By: Thornton Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/22/22 02:07 PM
Hey Kit -

Sorry to hear about the fall, hope you feel better soon.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned your anxious attachment style. Clearly Pilot is an avoidant, I just don't think that would ever work out if you were to actually date him.

I would recommend investing some time in researching more about attachment styles and why you seem to fixate on avoidant partners. Apparently there are some really good books out now about attachment styles, maybe that will help point you in a direction.
Posted By: KitCat Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/22/22 05:10 PM
Originally Posted by Kind18
Hey KitCat! Sorry you’ve had a crap time and hit your head. And I hope the 2x4’s below don’t come across as harsh, but they are sent from a place of care.

Quote
I'm not sure why you are stonewalling me but I guess it doesn't matter does it

If an ex texted me a fishing/attention seeking bait like this, I’d be roughly a ba-jillion times less likely to respond to any future messages.

YEP... I did get a response... and then he went dark. I hear what you are saying. I was not dealing with a moment ((actually several days)) of frustration very well. That's on me.

Quote
Quote
But, his dismissive avoidance triggers the anxious person in me...

Sounds like you’re trying to make your issue with avoidance/people pleasing his fault.

No... not making my anxious attachment issues his fault. Just recognizing my response is a knee jerk reaction to his behavior. I'm working on it.

Quote
Quote
I did not want to see him so I lied and said "no".

Why? How about “Yes I’m home, but I don’t want to see you. Just leave it in the mail box.”


YES!!! That's a million times better! I panicked??? Remember I had just hit my head really bad... smile

Quote
Quote
Anyway, I texted pilot that today totally sucked and that I had fallen off a ladder, etc.

GUESS WHAT??? Nothing but crickets.

You seem to have an insatiable need for validation. If pilot guy is a douche, why do you want him to care so much? Maybe that’s something that needs to be explored further.

If you keep sticking your hand in a fire, you’ll keep getting hurt.

LH is correct. Detach, detach, detach!

You're right that was attention seeking. He's also an EMT. I thought at least there might have been a little help there.

I'm still a work in progress.
Posted By: KitCat Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/22/22 05:19 PM
Originally Posted by Thornton
Hey Kit -

Sorry to hear about the fall, hope you feel better soon.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned your anxious attachment style. Clearly Pilot is an avoidant, I just don't think that would ever work out if you were to actually date him.

I would recommend investing some time in researching more about attachment styles and why you seem to fixate on avoidant partners. Apparently there are some really good books out now about attachment styles, maybe that will help point you in a direction.

Last night was really rough!!!! The pain was really bad. There was no way to get around it. I could not move and even sitting or just lying down ----- no relief.

This morning I was able to slowly get into the car. Went and got coffee and stopped at the pharmacy.

I literally... I kid you not have those jumbo pain patches all over my body. They have helped with the muscle tension but I'm pretty sure I broke my tail bone. That pain is intense and not budging.

So now I'm drinking wine.... one way or the other I'm going to kill this pain. smile

As for attachement styles - I'm actually anxious avoidant. And, yes, I've done tons of reading, pod casts videos learning about my issues and my protest methods. I can look back and recognize why I did a certain thing... now I just have to work on not doing those things ahead of time.

I've dated anxious partners before and that triggers my avoidance side... Pilot is clearly avoidant so that is triggering my anxious side. I've done a lot of reading of how you can make the anxious and avoidant coupling work - let's face it. Anxious and avoidants attract each other.

Anyway, I recognize I still have a lot of work to do.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/22/22 05:27 PM
KK,

I wonder how much of a weight would be lifted from you if today you declared that a relationship with the Pilot or exh is NEVER going to happen and the option is not on the table.
Posted By: KitCat Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/22/22 05:42 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
KK,

I wonder how much of a weight would be lifted from you if today you declared that a relationship with the Pilot or exh is NEVER going to happen and the option is not on the table.

Well - I've avoided seeing XH... and I texted pilot yesterday that he was an AHole.

Thought that was pretty much me burning those bridges???
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/22/22 05:51 PM
Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by LH19
KK,

I wonder how much of a weight would be lifted from you if today you declared that a relationship with the Pilot or exh is NEVER going to happen and the option is not on the table.

Well - I've avoided seeing XH... and I texted pilot yesterday that he was an AHole.

Thought that was pretty much me burning those bridges???

No. Not by sabotaging them and calling people a holes.

By saying “ I know a relationship is never going to happen with them and a relationship is what I want, so I have decided it’s never going to happen “

You don’t have to burn the bridges by name calling. You need to burn the bridges by making a conscious and clear choice
Posted By: KitCat Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/22/22 06:35 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by LH19
KK,

I wonder how much of a weight would be lifted from you if today you declared that a relationship with the Pilot or exh is NEVER going to happen and the option is not on the table.

Well - I've avoided seeing XH... and I texted pilot yesterday that he was an AHole.

Thought that was pretty much me burning those bridges???

No. Not by sabotaging them and calling people a holes.

By saying “ I know a relationship is never going to happen with them and a relationship is what I want, so I have decided it’s never going to happen “

You don’t have to burn the bridges by name calling. You need to burn the bridges by making a conscious and clear choice

Sure, but I'd just fallen off a ladder and that's the best I could muster.

Am I proud that I resorted to name calling??? No I'm rather mortified. But, it is what it is.
Posted By: KitCat Re: Stranger Things 2 - 04/25/22 01:16 PM
Day 5 post fall... still in horrendous pain. Very limited on what I can for very long. This is so very draining.... frown
Posted By: LH19 Re: Stranger Things 2 - 05/05/22 12:44 PM
Fully recovered yet?
Posted By: KitCat Re: Stranger Things 2 - 05/06/22 08:08 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
Fully recovered yet?

Nope... frown

But, I am better than I was this time last week. I still far from pain free.

I had a lot of things to get done this week since I was pretty much bedridden for 5 days. As I was digging through paperwork to get my driver's license renewed... I come across my XH's birth certificate. Weird because we went through all these files over a year ago together separating things out. I was positive he already had it.

No worries. I'll just mail it to him.

As I'm looking at the birth certificate... it lists his birthdate... the date recorded... and the date issued.

Right there... black and white is my birthday on his birth certificate, as the date recorded. Really??? Really Universe??? Married over a decade and I've never really looked at his birth certificate. Why today? And, why does my birthdate have to be on it.

Anyway, just a funny odd coincidence... moving on.
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