Need advice please. (3) - DivorceBusting.com

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Need advice please (2)

Hey Steve,
No I am not looking to date or anything else. I am no where near ready for any of that.

I was just curious how long other s went before even looking at the option or if they did at all, or if there are now in a new relationship and how long after. Just a curiosity question I guess.

Dink,

Originally Posted by Dink

who she may date or find, as they will possibly be around my kids

Originally Posted by Jq25

Dink, you have adult kids, they can and will reason.

Consider yourself fortunate (if that's possible considering the circumstance) that your children are adults and you don't have to worried about them being raised or influenced developmentally by other men. I can understand the hurt it might cause to have them spend time with OM, but you'll never have to worry about another man raising your kids or calling him dad.

Originally Posted by Dink

And she mentioned since we have been separated about feeling better overall

Right. This is common. Don't take that on as your fault. Right now she's out of the situation she didn't want to be in and feels free without a care in the world and life is good with OM. That won't last.

Originally Posted by Dink

He the said I don't care which one of you find someone else first im telling you right now im going to have a problem with it.

She's already living with OM, right? Your kids aren't going to be happy when they learn the truth, and they will.

Originally Posted by Dink

No I am not looking to date or anything else. I am no where near ready for any of that.

Good. I understand the desire, trust me. However, there are a lot of reasons you shouldn't. For example: 1) it will hurt any chance to R down the road, 2) it will upset your children and increase the perception in your mind you are to blame, 3) you're not ready and will likely attract others who are broken, 4) you'll likely hurt the next person you get involved with...etc, etc.

Originally Posted by Dink

I was just curious how long other s went before even looking at the option or if they did at all, or if there are now in a new relationship and how long after. Just a curiosity question I guess.

It varies widely. Some start affairs of their own or date right away, others wait years, and of course there are many in-between. The ones who jump right in typically don't process their own issues and end up hurt and in bad situations.

Dink - SteveLW, DevaJu6, Kind18, & LH are all objectively correct in that analyzing the situation and getting stuck trying to figure out your W is a waste of time and not helpful moving forward. However, I want to balance their directness with a softer approach in your case situation. You've been married decades and on this board less than a month. It's perfectly natural to spin a bit and overanalyze and take time to process. Almost everyone does and that's ok. Don't beat yourself up over it. You'll get there. Don't expect it to happen overnight. BUT, do listen to what they're saying and make moves in that direction.

Thanks BL42 for the input, I appreciate it. As I have said many times, you all have been very helpful. I am slooooooooooooowly moving forward. My son is coming over tomorrow to help with
Stuff I am trying to finish up at the house we will be selling. This is the son who is having the hardest time, and has been my wife’s biggest critic. It will be good to have some one on one time
Keeping busy and I am sure some conversations as well. Thanks again.

D reply

D. My situation wasn’t typical. XH had been largely absent from my life for about four years before BD (long story…read my thread if interested) so I started dating sooner than most would or should. I don’t think there is specific timeline but for me, it was when I had fully accepted my marriage was over and had lost the desire to reconcile. I was also past the sadness and looking forward to a new and better life. I had stopped thinking about him when he wasn’t in front of my face and when I did think about him, it was only when something reminded me of him and not a daily self-generated exercise. I wasn’t 100% healed (not sure that is possible) but I would say I was 85% to 90% over it. For me, dating was the last and final step towards finally moving on. When something like this happens, it is a huge blow to your self esteem and self worth so meeting new people who viewed me as attractive and worthy helped me to realize that my life wasn’t over. I’m with Steve though… dating is NOT a way to shorten your pain. You need to fully go through the grief process first.

Funny enough…as time as gone on and I’ve been building my post-divorce life, I am becoming increasingly comfortable with the thought that I might be on my own for the remainder of my life and it doesn’t bother me the way it used to. There are many things I like about being single that would be hard to give up so I’m only going to do that if someone really great comes along.

Hey Dink, have fun with your son today! Based on what you’ve told us about him, today may be a good day to practice validation—“Wow, you feel —-“. Remember to be honest and the phrase, “That’s between your mom and I.”

Things went well yesterday with mom son, we got some more things done at the house. We did work for about 3 hours, then just hung out and chatted. Overall was a pretty good day. He did say his mom did say to him that the decision was probably a little more her than me but it was mutual.

My daughter and her fiancé stopped over also a little later and we all talked a little. It’s funny I sense they all pretty much know that it was mom who was pushing for this more after talking with her.

It was nice to hear them defend me some for basically having to do everything, and say mom is a
Huge procrastinator and you pretty much had to do everything. They said She is not good at knowing how to do things and I did say that I was partially my fault by trying to do everything and and trying to make up for the past . And I was honest and said by doing that and kinda like walking on eggshells, that probably didn’t help, and I see that now. She lost maybe respect and atttraction
By being a doormat I told them what I needed to do was balances my new changes with the old me, and it would have been better, but I know at least going forward what I need to do.

Dink - I am glad you had an awesome day with kids. I would not talk much about any changes, just do them for urself. You don’t want it to come back yo ur spouse and give her idea of you being manipulative in a way.

Hey JQ I see what you are saying, honestly wasn’t thinking of it like it might come across as manipulation. Thing is the kids have said this before BD. But yes, I do need to be aware of things I say with the kids, as how it may come across.

Wife was suppose to come this weekend to the house to go thru stuff she defines wanted so I can
Clean out stuff that could go to goodwill and such. I got a text last night about 7 p.m saying im sorry I forgot to call yo this weekend about coming over to house. I’ve been sick all weekend.
I never responded.

So. Today is our 30th anniversary lol. Anyways , She went back to work today after have the spring break week off. She has no sick time left, and will be docked pay for leaving. Anyways.

This morning she texted me. ‘Are you at work” I waited a bit to reply and said yes. She said ok, I am super sick as school and leaving for day. Im going to use bathroom
At house if that's ok. I waited a bit and replied, house is a mess,it's up to you. She replied I went to moms house. I didn't respond.

Her moms house is one block from our house im staying at. She should have just gone there to begin with. Lol

Just in general be careful what and who you sharing information with. As I am dealing with my sitch, it did bit me back in the ?!ss. Some friends might not be as good of a friend as we think, some things might just slip in the conversation or someone’s opinion might be perceived as an advice.

Dink,

Originally Posted by Dink

He did say his mom did say to him that the decision was probably a little more her than me but it was mutual.

Originally Posted by Dink

My daughter and her fiancé stopped over also a little later and we all talked a little. It’s funny I sense they all pretty much know that it was mom who was pushing for this more after talking with her.

Your kids, especially being adults, are definitely going to get to the bottom of the situation. That's just one of the many reasons you don't lie or throw mud...it'll surface anyway.

Originally Posted by Dink

It was nice to hear them defend me some for basically having to do everything

I understand why that's comforting, but remember she's their mom and they'll be in her life even if she's having an affair, so you'll need to accept that.

Originally Posted by Dink

say mom is a Huge procrastinator and you pretty much had to do everything. They said She is not good at knowing how to do things and I did say that I was partially my fault by trying to do everything and and trying to make up for the past . And I was honest and said by doing that and kinda like walking on eggshells, that probably didn’t help, and I see that now. She lost maybe respect and atttraction
By being a doormat I told them what I needed to do was balances my new changes with the old me, and it would have been better, but I know at least going forward what I need to do.

Careful not getting into too many details with them, even if you're going along with what they say negatively about her. It's comforting as the LBS to hear, but you don't want to be going on about their mom and your relationship or actions. Just listen and validate their feelings without comment or judgement.

Originally Posted by Dink

I got a text last night about 7 p.m saying im sorry I forgot to call yo this weekend about coming over to house. I’ve been sick all weekend.
I never responded.

Good job.

Originally Posted by Dink

So. Today is our 30th anniversary lol.

30 years is a big one. How are you feeling today? Most newbies would be inclined to make a grand gesture on the day. Resist the urge if you have one.

Originally Posted by Dink

Anyways , She went back to work today after have the spring break week off. She has no sick time left, and will be docked pay for leaving. Anyways.

Her issue now. Try not to spend your time thinking about it.

Originally Posted by Dink

This morning she texted me. ‘Are you at work” I waited a bit to reply and said yes. She said ok, I am super sick as school and leaving for day. Im going to use bathroom
At house if that's ok. I waited a bit and replied, house is a mess,it's up to you. She replied I went to moms house. I didn't respond.

Sounds like you handle the text messages / house clearing business well.

I totallled understand. I am the type who does not talk to people usually, I about this stuff. More to myself person as that goes. Obviously I had to talk to my kids,but I have four sister and only one that im really close with.
She know about the divorce situation and now my kids as well. I haven’t told friends or my other sisters anything . What I am surprised with, but as we know now unfortunately when there are one doing wrong they like to talk to friends for support I think or spin things. Well ok all it takes is them telling some one and it gets back to the kids, and my kids are adult and know people where we live. She obviously doesn't care if people know, but if the kids get wind of affair she is going to say I told them. But as we know we can only control our selfs.

Well yesterday being our 30th Anniversay, there was not contact mentioning by either of us.

As I said she did text me in the morning about being sick and about going to the house, but other than that nothing.

Her mom, whom my wife has told she wants a divorce contacted me to help her get a vehicle
She has in storage today. As I have said previously her mom talked to me a little bit about the divorce saying she doesn’t know what she is thinking, does she think it always rainbows and butterflies lol. But anyway I told her I could help her this evening with getting the truck.

Originally Posted by Dink

Well yesterday being our 30th Anniversary, there was not contact mentioning by either of us.

Hmmm. What would you say? Happy Anniversary I can't wait until we are divorced lol. I am saying that tongue and cheek because this seems to amaze newbies.

Originally Posted by Dink

As I have said previously her mom talked to me a little bit about the divorce saying she doesn’t know what she is thinking, does she think it always rainbows and butterflies lol.

Yep. Every MIL says the same thing. There is standard script for everyone in this process. Sometimes they do find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Sometimes they do not. Only time will tell.

So wife tried calling me about a hour ago, I didn’t answer . Then she text me “I know you don’t want to talk to me, and I get it. But I need to tell you something about Jordan (our son)’

I texted im with a customer. She said ok. I said what’s going on. She said you can call when you get a chance.

Well I stress of calling her I called my son, and said how things going he said good. I said everything ok with you, he said yeah why? I said I got a text from your mom saying she had to tell me something about you. He laughed and said ok, no everything good, I said you been feeling better, he said yeah ( he had been sick a few days) I said ok just checking, because of the text from mom. He laughed and said let me know when you find out.

So my question is do I call her back or respond…….;

Just text her you spoke to him.

"Talked to J, thanks."

Or you can call her but keep it brief and sound confident and happy if you call. End the call quickly as well.

Quote

Talked to J, thanks.

Perfect response.

Don’t call her back under any circumstances. She’s playing games and wants to know if you’re still on her hook. That’s why she writes “I know you don’t want to talk to me.” She wants validation, and confirmation she has a plan B.

Do. Not. Call.

Agree, do not call her.

Also, well done on going right to J. Likely she is going to complain that he isn't treating her the way she wants him to. Not your issue to solve. That is between him and her.

Again, well done Dink! I wouldn't even text her back personally, but that is a bridge too far for most people. To me she was using your son to get you to connect with her. Homey don't play that!

But if you must, text what ovr said, but do not call her.

Well done, Dink! Withholding info until you call makes it feel like a power play. I wouldn't cave into that--but I'd also want to show I welcome communicating about the kids, and direct her towards my preferred communication channels so I wouldn't have to deal with this again.

"Thx for telling me! I talked to J. Text or e-mail is best going forward."

Hi Dink,

This will get easier. I have lots of practice(experience) as do the others.

This is the type of responses you want to send her:

Originally Posted by ovrrnbw

"Talked to J, thanks."

Every single time she calls, you let it go to voice mail. You then listen to it WHEN YOU ARE READY. Then you take as long as you need to process it. Then you decide if and when and how to respond (if YOU DECIDE a response is required).

When you change the way you interact with her, it changes the dynamics of the relationship.

Dink,

Originally Posted by Dink

Her mom, whom my wife has told she wants a divorce contacted me to help her get a vehicle She has in storage today...But anyway I told her I could help her this evening with getting the truck.

This doesn't sound like your job anymore. I could think of a thousand better ways to spend your time. Working out, dinner with your kids, drinks with a friend, movie by yourself, cooking or art class, hike in the woods...etc.

In terms of the call back, everyone else said it well. No call back, I concur. Your kids are adults, so going directly to them makes perfect sense - there's no real need to coordinate on items like there would be for a young child.

How did you feel about the 30th anniversary? Was it tough, or a non-factor?

Just throwing this out there to get feed back. I know I doing LRT, and GAL, but found out today that she is now in contact with previous affair partner EA from a bout 4 years ago, and been frequently staying at current AP on weekends the past month so that’s messed up.

Also, I believe she plans on doing Easter at his house with possibly his son and has no plans to do anything with our kids. When I met the kids to tell them about divorce I said to them all that they should spend Easter with her and their grandma, because of
This being the first Easter since her Dad died and their grandpa.

The kids informed me on Thursday
That my wife’s sister and her husbands are going to his parents for Easter, and have invited my wife’s mom over to their place as well and they are going there. So my wife had no place to go, but they said she told them to go to my side of the family’s Easter. I told the kids to spend Easter with their mom since she had no were to go. Well my wife texted me and said she needed to talk to me about Easter with the kids. I said I told them to do something with you so you are not alone. She was acting pissy saying I think they should be with you and told the kids to be with me. I said to her you just said you had nowhere to go for Easter, why not have them at the LakeHouse. She said I’m not going to bust my ass cleaning to have it here. Why dont you do it at the other house, I said I don’t have a table here. or tv or any pots or pans, etc. I said you don’t have no place to go where else are you got to be, she said we’re else you got to be. I said I could go .to my side for Easter. So now I am doing something with the kids on Sunday which is great, instead of going to my families side. But I just have this gut feeling she is planning to go to his house and having Easter with him and possible his son or something. I mean why would she not want to spend time with the kids on Easter if she had no other place to go? The guy only live a mile from where I’m staying. So I think I’m going to drive before meeting the kids on Easter to see if her vehicle is there, because if it is that is just F’d up…I think she is so far gone right now.

Dink you can’t control what she does and it sounds like it’s going to take you awhile to understand it. You trying to the play the I don’t want you to be alone card is transparent and weak. The quicker you realize that WWs do fuched up [censored] the better you will do. Back to NC.

Dink,

Originally Posted by Dink on 04/15/22

found out today that she is now in contact with previous affair partner EA from a bout 4 years ago, and been frequently staying at current AP on weekends the past month so that’s messed up

Unfortunately these situations are so infuriatingly predictable. Here's my comment to you nearly a month ago, just 3 days after you created your thread:

Originally Posted by BL42 on 03/18/22

Considering the history between you two and timing of the latest BD I wouldn't discount another man, and it's perhaps even likely the same man got back in touch.

Originally Posted by Dink

I believe she plans on doing Easter at his house with possibly his son and has no plans to do anything with our kids.

It wouldn't surprise anyone here. It's unfortunately not uncommon for a WS/WAS to value spending time with their AP over their own children. My ExW met up with OM2 on Mother's Day weekend while I watched D1 and S4 (who I'll never forget was looking out the window tearing up saying I just want to see mommy on mother's day). The thing is, it's not on you to maintain her relationship with the kids.

Originally Posted by Dink

Well my wife texted me and said she needed to talk to me about Easter with the kids.

You didn't need to respond to this text or have this argument at all. Your children are adults, not 5yos. You can discuss with them directly how to spend the holidays, similar to how you asked J directly if anything was wrong. NC & LTR don't have a "Easter logistics" exception. Unless there's a medical emergency there's hardly anything you need to be directly in touch with her about right now.

Originally Posted by Dink

She said I’m not going to bust my ass cleaning to have it here.

She WILL lie to you and make ridiculous excuses to further her agenda. Better to not even hear it.

Originally Posted by Dink

So now I am doing something with the kids on Sunday which is great.

Great! Think of this as a wonderful opportunity to spend Easter with your children. You'll have fun and make memories. Don't engage with the kids on why your W isn't spending the holiday with them. Sadly, they'll find out soon enough on their own.

Originally Posted by Dink

But I just have this gut feeling she is planning to go to his house and having Easter with him and possible his son or something. I mean why would she not want to spend time with the kids on Easter if she had no other place to go? The guy only live a mile from where I’m staying. So I think I’m going to drive before meeting the kids on Easter to see if her vehicle is there, because if it is that is just F’d up…I think she is so far gone right now.

Your gut is almost certainly right. LBS's guts are typically dead on accurate in these situations. The thing is, what is driving over there going to accomplish? Her vehicle will most likely be there and they'll most likely be together. Seeing and confirming that in person is only going to rile you up and get you spinning more emotionally. You already know they were together 4 years ago...and you got through it. You'll get through it again. It's awful Dink, I get it. I've been there and no exactly how you're feeling right now and it's awful. But like LH says you can't control her. You can only decide how you're going to respond. Better to spend extra time with your kids than playing PI with W & OM.

This is a terrible situation. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But try to keep the focus on how you can improve yourself / your life, and use this as a way to strengthen your relationship with your children.

Do not do a drive by. It shows you to be incredibly desperate.

And what exactly will it achieve?

Right now she doesn’t want to be with you. After confirming her car is there, she still won’t want to be with you. It achieves nothing, other than get you pissed off.

Worst case is she sees you doing a drive past and ends up reporting you for stalking or taking out a protection order with the police against you. If that happened, it would make things infinitely worse.

Once again Steve is on the money. The ONLY solution right here and now is to double down on no contact.

I know what you guys are saying and I agree. I wasn’t really going to drive buy. It’s just so messed up. She is staying at new Affair partners house for Easter more than likely and , now is also in contact with old affair partner from 4 years ago. How she can juggle Two guys talking to and a job and family and whatever else is mind boggling. And I think it is personally starting to affect her some and it’s still somewhat early on. But as you have so said i can’t control it. I have not said anything to her about any of this just wanted to put it on here to get thoughts and feed back.
Man until you actually go thru this you can’t truly believe how messed up a affair can turn someone
Upside down and there life upside down like this, but at the end of the day I have to let her as Sandi said basically die down to the root….

Dink what would you say to her. Quite frankly what she does is none of your business. As stated you should double down on NC. You know way too much about what’s going on in her life. Time to get one of your own. As a warning your STBXW is going to continue to disappoint you and boggle your mind for a really long time. As they say “not your circus not your monkeys “.

I know what you all are saying , I have done so well for the most part. I have not reached out to her , all contact has been coming from her, and have done well I think overalll. As you all,have said, GAL, I don’t see no light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon, she is in deep. But that won’t stop me from GAL. As all you verterans on the board can attest to, some will win and some will lose. I just have to get past this little thing called caring to much at time what happens as I do know it’s out of my control. I probably see more stories on her go South but I think at some point we all feel
That are stories may be the one that can make it. Time will tell I guess

Dink 95% of the marriages on here aren’t worth saving and yours is one of them. You’ve both cheated that means you both weren’t happy. I didn’t save mine and I still won. My life is very peaceful right now. Peace that I couldn’t have had if I reconciled. I would of just been wondering when it was going to happen again. You’ll get there but it will take time. You will likely fall along the way but will get up and dust yourself off.

Dink, no drive by! Remember the call—did touching the stove make you feel better or improve R chances? No! You don’t control her. You may feel she’s Satan herself for spending Easter with OM instead of the kids, and she may feel she deserves “me” time after 18yrs raising them. Guess who’s beliefs drive her decisions? Whether your goal is to salvage this relationship or move away from it as overall unhappy, the most successful path is to focus on yourself.

Sorry to see you still are struggling with dropping the rope. I understand, I had a hard time too. However all you’re doing by maintaining this attachment is hurting yourself. You have to let go. As of today you are fired as her husband. I can’t stress that enough.

Your kids are adults. I don’t understand why they are as involved as they are.

I don’t like speaking in absolutes, because every situation is different. But this isn’t all of a sudden. Your stbxw is just attempting to start over with her partner. I understand that hard to watch from the sidelines. But she’s been planning, and acting on this for longer than a few months. This may be new to you, but it’s not for her.

She’s done and has been done. Your marriage is over. I can’t be anymore blunt than that. The point of all this isn’t to save your marriage. At least not this version of it. The point is to get her to be interested in you again. And someone who is weak, stalking, causing her issues isn’t attractive or interesting. Getting a life takes the focus off this terrible situation, allows you to mentally move forward all while peaking her interest of why are you so happy.

Shaming her, or isolating her will do nothing but push her further away. She doesn’t care how you feel about it, she doesn’t care how her kids feel about it, and she doesn’t care what her parents think about it. The reality is they all will forgive her and move on. And she knows it.

Take the focus off her, place it on yourself, stop having expectations that this is a nightmare you’ll wake up from. Focus on yourself. Go have fun, stop being available. Believe nothing of what she says and only half of what she does.

Quote

She is staying at new Affair partners house for Easter more than likely and , now is also in contact with old affair partner from 4 years ago. How she can juggle Two guys talking to and a job and family and whatever else is mind boggling. And I think it is personally starting to affect her some and it’s still somewhat early on. But as you have so said i can’t control it. I have not said anything to her about any of this just wanted to put it on here to get thoughts and feed back.

She she she she she.

What about Dink?

Your life and thoughts are controlled by what she may or may not be doing, or saying, or thinking, or living, or banging.

The only solution for you right now is to go NC, completely drop the rope, and concentrate only on yourself.

Have you kept up the GAL activities and hard physical exercise?

Here’s an additional challenge to the last one I gave you about hitting the gym 90 minutes for 30 days…. Can you make your next ten posts entirely about you? Your interests, hobbies, exercise, job, renovations, kids? Ten posts without mentioning her.

Dink,

It's OK not to be perfect at DB'ing, especially at the beginning. It's rare for people here not to make mistakes. Right now you're mind is racing, you're hurting and spinning. Take a breath, take your mind off your sitch, and go enjoy time with your children tomorrow. There's no where I'd rather be with on Easter than my children, so take comfort in that and let it refresh your spirits. Then after tomorrow make a plan to GAL & focus on yourself. We're pulling for you.

So just to start the week off on a positive.lol. Any one out there have any success stories to share?

Dink,

I took the week off work and had a fantastic Spring Break with S7 and D3. Theme park, hotel w/pool, waterfall hikes, little kid Easter excitement...etc. Great bonding.

How was your Easter? Did you visit with your kids?

Yes I visited with the kids, it was. Nice day overall. Glad you had a good day with your kids as well.

Originally Posted by Dink

So just to start the week off on a positive.lol. Any one out there have any success stories to share?

Depends how you define a success story Dink

I guess a success story can be many things. Any one have positive things happen in the Divorce Busting relationships? Any one have movement in reconciliation? Any one have GAL success stories?
Any one have and good things happening in general? Just looking for positive stuff this Easter I guess

Dink,

I was where you are now. Compared to where I am now my life is 1,000 better. You will get there too. It takes time. You got the first holiday out of the way. That is big. It gets easier each time.

Glad to here that LH 19

Hey Dink,

I can relate to your sitch. I really struggled with detachment. I was obsessed with my ex and analyzed every thing she said, did etc. It was torture for me.

I did end up getting her back eventually after I went pitch black no contact for months on end(she left again 10 months later). I had to delete her phone number, unfriend her on social media, delete every picture I had of her etc. I forced myself to not look her up online. Basically I had to pretend that she had passed away.

Going no contact was truly a life saver. Not knowing what she was doing, or who she was doing it with really helped me. I started lifting weights and took up mountain biking and started to regain my confidence again. I can't stress how important the gym is, I still go 5x a week and I will continue going until I'm physically unable.

I havent spoken to my ex in almost 3 years and my life is so much better than it was when we were together.

Hang in there.

Hey Thornton, if I may ask what happened in your situation?

Today I guess I’m looking for comments from people who have a success story, people men or women who have been on this board and have had a long haul but finally are in a good place and reconciled.

Originally Posted by Dink

Today I guess I’m looking for comments from people who have a success story, people men or women who have been on this board and have had a long haul but finally are in a good place and reconciled.

Dink most of those people are long gone. One of my best friends parents reconciled after 35 years of divorce.

Dink,

Originally Posted by Dink

Hey Thornton, if I may ask what happened in your situation?

You can read through any poster's situation:
1) Navigate to the user's profile by clicking on their screenname or "View Profile" in the drop down
2) Click on the linked number of "Total Posts"
3) Click on "Threads Created".

Here are the threads created by commenters on your latest thread:
Threads Created by Thornton
Threads Created by BL42
Threads Created by DejaVu6
Threads Created by Traveler
Threads Created by Jq25
Threads Created by LH19
Threads Created by ovrrnbw
Threads Created by Kind18
Threads Created by SteveLW
Threads Created by Ready2Change
Threads Created by JosephS
Threads Created by OnlyBent

Originally Posted by Dink

I guess a success story can be many things. Any one have positive things happen in the Divorce Busting relationships? Any one have movement in reconciliation? Any one have GAL success stories?

Any one have and good things happening in general? Just looking for positive stuff this Easter I guess

May reconciled after a PA and Steve reconciled after an EA. I reconciled with my partner for about 2 years after BD. I went through a pleading stage, a Mr. Fixer stage, and a Talky phase.. before finally finding the strength of "You control you, I control me", validation, and boundaries. Those gave us a second spark. Then the flame blew out and I moved on a year ago.

Yesterday I did an Easter egg hunt with my kids, led a community Easter egg hunt, spent the evening at my BFF's house grilling burgers, then called my GF before bed? Life goes on. My dream of a nuclear family is over; new dreams surfaced. I've decided that would be enough. Look around, look around at how luck we are to be alive today. I still have a lot to smile about.

Originally Posted by Dink

How she can juggle Two guys talking to and a job and family and whatever else is mind boggling.

Most likely, she is doing more than this. No need for you to "Confirm" or Understand" anything else. Just know the stove is hot. Stop touching it. Every time you touch it, you will get burned.

You are walking down the wrong path. There are two paths. Focus on her, or focus on yourself.

Originally Posted by Dink

Today I guess I’m looking for comments from people who have a success story, people men or women who have been on this board and have had a long haul but finally are in a good place and reconciled.

The weekend was amazing.

You have a big onion to peel. One layer at a time. I am still peeling back layers and I have been divorced for over 10 years.

One of those layers is learning as much as you can about attraction and seduction and the difference between the two. Your wife lost her attraction for you. You can learn new attractive ways to behave. You can drop the unattractive behaviors. You do this not for her, but for yourself. Make a list. refine the list as needed.

For example, most likely you are loosing weight ..the divorce diet. Start hitting the gym and start eating a healthier diet. You will become more physically attractive.

Read this thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=62199&Number=2846984#Post2846984

At this point in your R do not share plans with W:
" Make goals and plans then share them with your spouse (intomesee)."

I could have reconciled a few different times. Some real some fake. It didn’t matter though. I never deserved what happened to me. Let alone my kids, but specifically me. I personally didn’t think she or our marriage was worth the struggle. I honestly don’t know if I ever would have trusted her again. Once I moved on from panic of losing control of my life, I knew it was never going to be ok with her.

I’m happier than I ever have been. I’ve learned so much and grew even more. I wouldn’t change the pain, tears, horrible thoughts for anything. Because I woke up one day and I knew I was going to be ok and get through this. Whether is was by myself or not.

I hope I’m not coming off harsh with my previous posts. My goal isn’t to be rude or sugar coat. My goal is to get people to take back the control of their own life they deserve. Once you do that, drop the rope, you’ll know what to do and you’ll make the correct choices to get there.

So I had not heard from wife since last Wednesday, and I just got a text this morning from her.

The text reads. Do you want to meet anytime room, or no? I assume she means to go over

Logistics of the divorce. We awhile back discussed who is getting what , how things are being split

up etc, as.

We discussed doing divorce by ourselves, as long as we can agree on things, which for the most

The part when we originally spoke a while back we were pretty close on most stuff. We do not have

Children to worry about, we plan on selling house soon that I am staying at, and I will be going

Back to LakeHouse where she is currently staying, as she most likely will be looking for a

Apartment.

Just putting this out there to get feed back on how to respond or your thoughts on how to proceed?

Dink if you feel you can handle it without letting your emotions get the best of you then meet with her and try to agree to a settlement. If not then tell her to email you want she wants and you can look it over and get back to her.

Dink ,

Originally Posted by LH19

Dink if you feel you can handle it without letting your emotions get the best of you then meet with her and try to agree to a settlement. If not then tell her to email you want she wants and you can look it over and get back to her.

I agree w/LH but that's a big IF for most LBSs. Probably better / safer to stick to email which will also serve to A) you time to think about it before response and B) have it in writing to avoid future confusion or "memory loss".

What is there to spilt up? I find most divorcing couples make this a bigger deal than it is. So before you decide how to proceed you need to ask yourself what there is to discuss? I'm guessing most things can be decided pretty easily.

So I replied and just said, I have plans the rest of this week. Possibly next week or the week after.

As you said Steve there really isn't much to figure out, we are not millionaires, with business etc lol

We have already a little while back kind of discussed already.

Then she replied I was think of next week. If you don’t have time we will have to use lawyers, whatever you want.

If you decide on Lawyers I would be using and she said a local lawyer in town.

I have not responded

Dink,

Have you consulted with a L yet? If not, you should. Typically a free (or nominal fee) consult to explain your rights. You don't have to retain or pay them a lot if you can (preferably) work out an amicable agreement with W.

You don't have to meet in person to avoid a contested divorce. Email would work fine for dividing out your assets.

Dink

Why did you put it off? Do you want to spend more money on lawyer fees than you have to?

Sounds like she has already lawyered up. Dink you have to protect yourself. At least get a free consultation.

I responded. I, myself was not considering a lawyer. As far as next week it should work. Let me know time and place.

Then she responded That’s fine. I know we didn’t want to. But that was before you stopped all communication.

Originally Posted by Dink

I responded. I, myself was not considering a lawyer. As far as next week it should work. Let me know time and place.

Then she responded That’s fine. I know we didn’t want to. But that was before you stopped all communication.

Meh. They always find an excuse.

I knew she was being a blow hard about the lawyer stuff. She has no clue about how to do anything, it was a scare tactic to try to control the situation. I think her man friend is the one putting [censored] in her head because he has went thru a divorce.

Well you should limit your responses to "need to know" information. What you've considered or not considered she doesn't need to know. She knows how to push your buttons.

Originally Posted by LH19

tell her to email you want she wants and you can look it over and get back to her.

Do this.

When two kids have to split one cookie, one kids breaks it in half ,the other gets to pick. Let her split the cookie in a "fair way". then call her on her BS when she picks the bigger half.

Hi Dink,

There are many reasonable ways for two people to decide how to split assets. My XW and I “bid” on ours. The highest bidder won the item. Quick and dirty and done in a day.

As for the lawyer, I strongly recommend getting a consult with a lawyer recommended by a friend to alleviate your fears and know what your rights are. If she’s getting advice from someone experienced in divorce, they may not be intimidated by attorneys, and probably know involving one won’t automatically cause tens of thousands or a contested divorce or fantastic legal maneuvers. You sound like you might be overestimating their cost or effect.

Be slow to agree. Hardly anything is so urgent it can’t wait a few days to be reviewed.

Quote

Then she responded That’s fine. I know we didn’t want to. But that was before you stopped all communication.

Absolutely textbook WS stuff. Wants to be able to blame her decision to lawyer up on your actions. So predictable.

Based on that comment and her wanting to control her guilt, I’m VERY sure she has already lawyered up - so you need to do the same, at least get a first consult.

Don’t respond to provocative comments like that about communication, she wants you to take the bait.

And you know, you don’t have to wait for her to send through what she wants before responding. Often there can be advantages in making a claim first.

I’d see a lawyer ASAP (like next day or two), get a rough recommendation on what you could reasonably expect, and then move it in your favour about 5-10% and pitch it at her. Personally I wouldn’t wait for her to make the first move. I’d say “I want X%, you get Y%, it’s what will get ordered anyway - if you agree now we can rip off the bandage and avoid tens of thousands of lawyers. Please let me know in seven days.”

And stick to email.

]

Originally Posted by Kind18

Don’t respond to provocative comments

Agree.

I learned to filter messages like this:
[quote] That’s fine. I know we didn’t want to. But that was before you stopped all communication.[/quote

to

Her: "That's fine".

As you go forward, you can take care of all the business aspects through email (and most likely lawyers-- The lawyers will do all the "negotiations" in your behalf for billable hours)

If my ex sent me that message, someplace in the future I would send this to her:
Text her "Sent you an Email"
Email starts "To keep the communication open and the process moving forward......"

A wise DBER from the past, Coach, called this "reverse babble".

Maybe in your case, you could state that you looked into several mediators that you could use to help settle things that the two of you cant come to agreement on. You should spply at least thee names and numbers and let her pick one. If you don't do this the lawyers will do this for billable hours. Then their freind the mediator also gets in on the action.

I wish you well

Just wondering how the last week has gone for ya. Any update?

Dink how you doing? How u holding up?

Originally Posted by Ready2Change

When two kids have to split one cookie, one kids breaks it in half ,the other gets to pick.

Ready2Change - This is a flashback to my childhood...my dad used that on us all the time!

Dink - How are you doing? Any updates? Everyone here is wishing you well.