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Posted By: Mach40 Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 11/30/21 01:53 AM
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Posted By: BL42 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 12/01/21 03:59 AM
Mach40,

Glad you enjoyed Thanksgiving with your daughters and grand kids.

Seems to me the extended overseas work trip in 2022 comes at a great point for you and your situation. Remember to make the most of that time! Get out and enjoy life...exercise, eat well, get involved in activities and hobbies and meet new people. Try not to dwell at all on the separation or W, and focus on yourself and being happy.
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 12/12/21 06:50 PM
Well, little update. One positive thing has happened. I have lady living with me. I have known her for 15 years. Her name is Huni...



She is my cat, who has never ever lived in this house. She lived outside in her huge shed, like a little Queen, since 2010. Prior to that in Hawaii, outside only too. She didnt like the two male cats who lived in here and there...
But, 5 days ago, she came in, and hasn't left yet. She sleeps under my bed, and uses little box like a seasoned cat..
HooYah
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 12/13/21 01:57 PM
Haha, good stuff Mach. I am not much of a cat person myself (anyone want my daughter's cat? LOL). But glad to see you finding joy in things, good sign! You've got this!
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 12/24/21 02:55 PM
Not much to update, having Christmas morning with the kids/grands at her house, Just going to open presents, drink some coffee then leave.
Took my tree down 3 days ago..Kids have been to busy with youngest working at restaurant, and the oldest taking care of personal issue and kids.
Ona weird side note, lots weird dreams of her and I at functions and her always being courted, if that is the right word, by other men, and her reacting as if it is normal. Much subconscious, lol. Weird stuff. Not drinking, lol, just getting ready for my next trip to Australia next month and Christmas..
My neck of the woods Mach, what’s your plans for Aus?

Merry Xmas
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 12/25/21 02:38 AM
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
My neck of the woods Mach, what’s your plans for Aus?

Merry Xmas
All depends on what the Local Government allows us to do. This Covid crap is like spin the wheel.
We have to do a few days self isolation as of this week. A month ago, it was two weeks/one week quarantine.
I am hoping to get out and see the area near Kingston/Canberra.. I havent looked the map, or for touristy things. Yet.
Posted By: BL42 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 12/25/21 03:00 AM
Mach40,

Merry Christmas! Enjoy tomorrow morning with the kids and grandkids. Hope you make the most of your time in Australia and COVID doesn't impact the trip too much.
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 12/27/21 02:32 PM
Christmas was very nice. Grand Kids, Daughters and I all had good time..
If all goes well, I will be in Sydney next week for work, then down to Kingston/Canberra area.
Let me know if you need any recommendations for Sydney or Canberra
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 01/02/22 10:44 PM
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Let me know if you need any recommendations for Sydney or Canberra
Well, I just popped positive for covid, both at home and pcr. I need a negative to travel.. Unless I meet the self isolation and get a return to work letter. I know you will pop positive well after getting it.
I have been on Australia's NSW site and it states I can have a letter. "If you have previously been diagnosed with COVID-19, you may be able to obtain a medical contraindication certificate from your doctor." So, I emailed my Doctor to see if a letter can be generated stating I have met self isolation requirements and am safe to return to work. Not sure of Australia's actual timeline they accept you after testing positive. Here it is 5 days now vice 10, as CDC changed it.
Hey Mach

How did the Australia trip go? did it happen?
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 01/18/22 10:32 PM
Australia trip did not happen. Airline would not let me on plane. I had the required letter from Doctor stating positive covid and I met Australias self isolation with no symptoms.. Airline said Nope.
Called Australian Embassy, and they said I could fly, but Airlines were saying nope to anyone with a positive covid test. Everyone knows you cant get a negative right after having Covid.
Oh well, only lost a little bit of money..
Posted By: BL42 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 01/19/22 04:47 AM
Disappointing on the trip cancellation.

Your name isn't secretly Novak Djokovic, is it?
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 01/19/22 11:43 AM
Originally Posted by BL42
Disappointing on the trip cancellation.

Your name isn't secretly Novak Djokovic, is it?
No, I have a Visa, approved by Australia. And a couple letters from the governor etc.
That's a shame, sorry to hear that Mach. Hope you get a chance another time soon.
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 03/03/22 03:55 AM
Been a while. I am traveling again, this time on the west coast USA..
I a very busy, but not, if that makes sense.
Wife and I are just taking care of business. June is the month we will get divorced.. I gave her that time to get health insurance taken care of..
Very somber.
One thing I noticed is, she is sad, I am sad. But neither of us have the drive to turn the ship around.
It is what it is..
Posted By: BL42 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 03/03/22 04:22 AM
Mach40,

Glad you checked in. Sorry things are progressing towards a D. It is a sad result for everyone involved.

How are things in your life? Any good GAL? Are you making the most of the situation?
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 03/03/22 05:32 AM
Its sad, yes, as there is no closure. She is not fighting it, just saying okay, and then we just plan to get it done. No drama. It just is what it is.
No real GAL due to work. 6 days a week takes its tole on you on the road.
I do have positives. My daughters and grand kids are doing great.
I did start remodeling the house before I left. Painted interior. Totally transformed my home.
That will keep me busy when I get back. Furniture, decorations etc. Whole house man cave?
Here in San Diego, I have gone out a few nights, and just relaxed..
Posted By: LH19 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 03/03/22 10:03 AM
Hey Mach!

What kind of closure are you looking for right now?
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 03/03/22 01:52 PM
Closure is a difficult word to describe. Its not like I am selling a home or car and its gone.
When the wife leaves, okay she has already left, I need to be able to turn and walk without regrets, feelings etc.
And its a little tougher when you will see your kids and grand kids. They are daily reminders.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 03/03/22 01:58 PM
Originally Posted by Mach40
I need to be able to turn and walk without regrets, feelings etc.
What regrets do you have? What could be said that would give you closure?
Originally Posted by Mach40
And its a little tougher when you will see your kids and grand kids. They are daily reminders.
When I see my kids it's a reminder to me that no matter whatever $hit we put each other through we did do something right.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 03/03/22 02:19 PM
M40 couple of things. Home remodeling sure fits in my definition of GAL! Well done. It is amazing how doing something as simple (and relatively inexpensive) as painting can really do wonders! That is awesome.

I can understand (thought I can't personally relate) to the seeing the kids and grandkids being reminders. As you said, you are both sad. That could be a contributing factor obviously. Any thoughts on her sadness not being enough of a motivation to try to work things out? We recently had a debate on a similar topic in Scott's thread. It struck me when you said you were both sad because it kind of frustrates me. When a WAS has the power to right the ship, and despite sadness and misgivings continues to push forward for D, it always makes me wonder why? A lot of WASs are flawed human-beings looking for a quick fix to their unhappiness, and ending a MR is that quick fix. I have a theory that most WASs end up just as miserable post-D than they were pre-D. (NOTE: for you extremists out there I said MOST not ALL!)

Hang in there though M40, between working, spending time with the kids and grandkids, and the house remodeling I think you are doing a lot better than you think you are with GAL.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 03/03/22 02:33 PM
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I have a theory that most WASs end up just as miserable post-D than they were pre-D. (NOTE: for you extremists out there I said MOST not ALL!)
Sorry Steve but the data does not support this claim.

Statistical data suggests that at least one-third of people regret their marriage dissolution.

That number can rise to 80% for ex-spouses who chose the wrong reasons to get divorced and feel that it could have been prevented if both parties had put forth more effort.

Thus, we should remember that every serious decision concerning family can have long-lasting consequences and should be made with a considerable amount of thought.
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 03/03/22 03:02 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Mach40
I need to be able to turn and walk without regrets, feelings etc.
What regrets do you have? What could be said that would give you closure?
Originally Posted by Mach40
And its a little tougher when you will see your kids and grand kids. They are daily reminders.
When I see my kids it's a reminder to me that no matter whatever $hit we put each other through we did do something right.
Regrets are things that happened that I could have changed. When you are ignorant, not aware of things, then they are revealed to you, it is bothersome. So, I know there are things I could have done that would have changed the outcome, but didnt, because I was ignorant to them
SO that is a regret. Its personal, but I regret it. I wont forget my mistakes.
Yes, kids are wonderful creations. I am glad the situation between my wife and I didnt really affect anyone and we get along great. Allot of it is due to age of kids and maturity..
Posted By: LH19 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 03/03/22 03:08 PM
Originally Posted by Mach40
Regrets are things that happened that I could have changed. When you are ignorant, not aware of things, then they are revealed to you, it is bothersome. So, I know there are things I could have done that would have changed the outcome, but didnt, because I was ignorant to them SO that is a regret.
We are all right there with you Mach and you need to find away to forgive yourself. You did the best you could with the info that you had at the time. You will be a great partner for someone else down the road or maybe your STBXW changes her mind. Chin up and tits out!
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 03/03/22 03:12 PM
Originally Posted by SteveLW
M40 couple of things. Home remodeling sure fits in my definition of GAL! Well done. It is amazing how doing something as simple (and relatively inexpensive) as painting can really do wonders! That is awesome.

I can understand (thought I can't personally relate) to the seeing the kids and grandkids being reminders. As you said, you are both sad. That could be a contributing factor obviously. Any thoughts on her sadness not being enough of a motivation to try to work things out? We recently had a debate on a similar topic in Scott's thread. It struck me when you said you were both sad because it kind of frustrates me. When a WAS has the power to right the ship, and despite sadness and misgivings continues to push forward for D, it always makes me wonder why? A lot of WASs are flawed human-beings looking for a quick fix to their unhappiness, and ending a MR is that quick fix. I have a theory that most WASs end up just as miserable post-D than they were pre-D. (NOTE: for you extremists out there I said MOST not ALL!)

Hang in there though M40, between working, spending time with the kids and grandkids, and the house remodeling I think you are doing a lot better than you think you are with GAL.
Remodeling is funny. One daughter is in her dark phase, and the other is the Mother phase. So they clash on ideas. Living room is going to be a welcoming, more manly, but not MAN Cave.. Light and beachy/nautical/barn if that makes sense. Grand kids, making a play room with chalk paint too....

Being sad is a phase, sometimes last for years. She and I both had relationships that hurt us bad, and it took quite a few years to recover. Different era in the 90s, not allot of help per say.
Is she sad enough to right the ship, sure, its possible. Reality is more than likely not. She is a workaholic, a real one, and when she plans something she executes it. Her plan was to become self sufficient, aggressively get a retirement and pay off anew home she bought. That will take up 95% of her life. The other 5 % will be her Dad, Daughters, grand kids and sister. Her sister is in a band with her husband, and it gives her an out to relax, forget things..
We are all flawed, no in perfect. But, something in the back of peoples minds think there is perfection out there. Aww, the paradox of choices.
I am not going to guess whether she is miserable. I would like to say I wish her to be very happy after us, as I dont hate her. But, I dont want to have to see her happy with someone else. Selfish, I know.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 03/03/22 03:12 PM
Originally Posted by Mach40
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Mach40
I need to be able to turn and walk without regrets, feelings etc.
What regrets do you have? What could be said that would give you closure?
Originally Posted by Mach40
And its a little tougher when you will see your kids and grand kids. They are daily reminders.
When I see my kids it's a reminder to me that no matter whatever $hit we put each other through we did do something right.
Regrets are things that happened that I could have changed. When you are ignorant, not aware of things, then they are revealed to you, it is bothersome. So, I know there are things I could have done that would have changed the outcome, but didnt, because I was ignorant to them
SO that is a regret. Its personal, but I regret it. I wont forget my mistakes.
Yes, kids are wonderful creations. I am glad the situation between my wife and I didnt really affect anyone and we get along great. Allot of it is due to age of kids and maturity..

I love to see LBSs learn from things whether or not the MR is saved. I know I am in a much better place because of the work I put in, and continue to do. IC is huge for me. It helps me see things I wouldn't have seen without an outside perspective. That is why I am such a huge proponent of IC. I get that some are resistant to it, I was for many many years. But I cannot believe the perspective that can be achieved when you find a good IC, and stick with it. I know a lot of LBSs say that they can't afford it, but I've always maintained that LBSs cannot afford not to. (Yes I get that financial situations are different, but where there is a will there is a way.)
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 03/03/22 03:54 PM
Originally Posted by Mach40
Originally Posted by SteveLW
M40 couple of things. Home remodeling sure fits in my definition of GAL! Well done. It is amazing how doing something as simple (and relatively inexpensive) as painting can really do wonders! That is awesome.

I can understand (thought I can't personally relate) to the seeing the kids and grandkids being reminders. As you said, you are both sad. That could be a contributing factor obviously. Any thoughts on her sadness not being enough of a motivation to try to work things out? We recently had a debate on a similar topic in Scott's thread. It struck me when you said you were both sad because it kind of frustrates me. When a WAS has the power to right the ship, and despite sadness and misgivings continues to push forward for D, it always makes me wonder why? A lot of WASs are flawed human-beings looking for a quick fix to their unhappiness, and ending a MR is that quick fix. I have a theory that most WASs end up just as miserable post-D than they were pre-D. (NOTE: for you extremists out there I said MOST not ALL!)

Hang in there though M40, between working, spending time with the kids and grandkids, and the house remodeling I think you are doing a lot better than you think you are with GAL.
Remodeling is funny. One daughter is in her dark phase, and the other is the Mother phase. So they clash on ideas. Living room is going to be a welcoming, more manly, but not MAN Cave.. Light and beachy/nautical/barn if that makes sense. Grand kids, making a play room with chalk paint too....

Being sad is a phase, sometimes last for years. She and I both had relationships that hurt us bad, and it took quite a few years to recover. Different era in the 90s, not allot of help per say.
Is she sad enough to right the ship, sure, its possible. Reality is more than likely not. She is a workaholic, a real one, and when she plans something she executes it. Her plan was to become self sufficient, aggressively get a retirement and pay off anew home she bought. That will take up 95% of her life. The other 5 % will be her Dad, Daughters, grand kids and sister. Her sister is in a band with her husband, and it gives her an out to relax, forget things..
We are all flawed, no in perfect. But, something in the back of peoples minds think there is perfection out there. Aww, the paradox of choices.
I am not going to guess whether she is miserable. I would like to say I wish her to be very happy after us, as I dont hate her. But, I dont want to have to see her happy with someone else. Selfish, I know.

Big fan of rustic barn motif. In fact, I am getting ready to do a barnwood wall covering in my mancave. Just talked to a vendor about it the other day. Now I just need to get my friend who is a carpenter lined up to install it!

I do think that WAS are conflicted, I saw it in my own situation. I think there is a good chance that if my W was more of a go-getter in terms of life goals, etc, that we would have ended up D'd from this last situation. I think the combination of me working to remove the pain points in the marriage, combined with the energy required to put her preferred plan in action kind of got her to fall back into the comfortable rather than the disruptive. I have a lot to say on my theories as to why she eventually turned back to the marriage, but the reasons are very complex and involve almost innumerable factors. So that is for another day. But yes, that paradox they face is real. I like your attitude a lot that you wish her happiness in the future. And I think we all can relate with your feeling on not necessarily wanting to see her happy with someone else.

Good stuff M40.
Posted By: BL42 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 03/03/22 08:50 PM
Mach40,
Originally Posted by Mach40
She is a workaholic, a real one, and when she plans something she executes it. Her plan was to become self sufficient, aggressively get a retirement and pay off anew home she bought. That will take up 95% of her life. The other 5 % will be her Dad, Daughters, grand kids and sister.
Any chance you're both workaholics, and that contributed? I notice you wrote this...
Originally Posted by Mach40
No real GAL due to work. 6 days a week takes its tole on you on the road.

Originally Posted by Mach40
I do have positives. My daughters and grand kids are doing great.
Yes, absolutely. Kids (and grandkids in your case) are always the caveats in a sitch...even when people feel like they wish they'd never met their ex, it's hard to wish away the kids!

Originally Posted by Mach40
I did start remodeling the house before I left. Painted interior. Totally transformed my home. That will keep me busy when I get back. Furniture, decorations etc. Whole house man cave?
That's awesome! I did a number of updates to the house as well. Keeps you busy, makes the place "your own", and self-improvements give a sense of accomplishment.

Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Mach40
And its a little tougher when you will see your kids and grand kids. They are daily reminders.
When I see my kids it's a reminder to me that no matter whatever $hit we put each other through we did do something right.
Love LH's attitude on this...flips the narrative.

Originally Posted by SteveLW
It struck me when you said you were both sad because it kind of frustrates me. When a WAS has the power to right the ship, and despite sadness and misgivings continues to push forward for D, it always makes me wonder why? A lot of WASs are flawed human-beings looking for a quick fix to their unhappiness, and ending a MR is that quick fix.
This is frustrating. Seems like a better world if both would commit as promise and work through it.

Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Mach40
Regrets are things that happened that I could have changed. When you are ignorant, not aware of things, then they are revealed to you, it is bothersome. So, I know there are things I could have done that would have changed the outcome, but didnt, because I was ignorant to them SO that is a regret.
We are all right there with you Mach and you need to find away to forgive yourself. You did the best you could with the info that you had at the time. You will be a great partner for someone else down the road or maybe your STBXW changes her mind. Chin up and tits out!
Completely agree w/LH here. Forgive yourself and improve for the future. That's all you can do.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I love to see LBSs learn from things whether or not the MR is saved.
Also agree w/SteveLW. We can see you reflecting and trying to improve. Good to see.

Hang in there Mach40 and keep us posted.
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 03/03/22 09:45 PM
BL42, I am not a workaholic like I was in the service. But, I do travel allot, which helps me focus on me.
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 06/12/22 03:42 PM
Hey, Just a quick update. Papers have been sent via lawyer for finalization via the judge..
Its been a while, and I will be honest. Its a tough decision to get divorced, very tough. Especially with emotions you have had for someone for many years, for some decades.
I feel like I had to focus on a weigh and close scenario to just do it..
So, I did. I started to focus on what I did not like about her, and the fact those things wont change. Kind of mean, but it helped me make a decision. Not sure if that is the recommended way many here would go about it, but it worked for me.
After doing the weigh and close, I realized I was holding on to things that were minor and not worth it. Most were old images, times of us..
I did look at me too, trust me. I am no prince, and I am sure she did the same for many years.
Any ways, she and I are done. She was definitely the one who moved forward much quicker than I , but that is neither here nor there important now.
I appreciate all the time people have spent with me trying to assist, as you all did help steer me.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 06/13/22 12:38 PM
M40, we have a saying around here: Do what works. I will say, a big problem a lot of LBSs have is that they romanticize the MR and the WAS, as if it and they were perfect. So recognizing the faults in the MR and with the WAS is not a bad thing at all. Dealing in reality usually really is a key in these things. I would caution against FOCUSING on them, maybe? That could lead to bitterness and anger, but certainly recognizing them. I know that was something in my own situation that helped me realize that things had to change. Another temptation is for things to just go back to the way they were. And usually that is suboptimal at best.
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 06/13/22 01:26 PM
Thnx Steve. I am finding it was easier to just realize all is not well, and to stop focusing on the good things only. Weigh and close was key. There were/are more negatives than positives.
You only live once, there are no do-overs.
Posted By: BL42 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 06/14/22 02:07 AM
Mach40,

I know it was a tough decision which weighed on you greatly. I know if your sitch you two still get along and would meet for lunch and do holidays with the kids and grandkid. If I'm remember your sitch correctly you had people telling you, including your L, it was the most amicable they've seen and didn't think the D would go through? Anyway, keep in mind that finalizing the legal aspect does not prevent the two of you (possibly) rekindling things in the future. So move forward and go live your life to the fullest and who knows what the future will bring.

Can I ask how your STBXW took the news? Did she reach out or say anything?
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 06/14/22 02:49 AM
Yes we are very amicable. Strange huh.
She digested it , was a little taken aback. But, she went right into planning mode.
Family, insurance ( health care is what I am financially assisting in), animals etc. No real change.
I think it will hit her later, much later due to work. Realtor, 24/7 right now, and her life is focused heavily on getting income.
I just needed to move forward.. I am
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 07/12/22 05:22 PM
Minor update.
I have decides I cant be friends with her. Not healthy.
I dont want to see or hear of her new boyfriends etc.
Seems childish, but just cant do it.
The girls and I get alomg fine. They are growing up and doing their own thing. Grand kids will always be able to see me at will.
Posted By: BL42 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 07/12/22 05:57 PM
Mach40,
Originally Posted by Mach40
She digested it , was a little taken aback. But, she went right into planning mode.
I was wondering how'd she'd take it, with her desire to stay friends and go on lunch dates and shared holiday dinners.

Originally Posted by Mach40
I think it will hit her later, much later due to work.
Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows. Just do your thing.

Originally Posted by Mach40
I just needed to move forward.. I am
Good!

Originally Posted by Mach40
I have decides I cant be friends with her. Not healthy.
I dont want to see or hear of her new boyfriends etc.
Seems childish, but just cant do it.
I don't think it's childish. You have to put your self-care first and if it helps your detachment / emotions to have space and not be friends that's completely reasonable. I'm glad it's amicable - not all that common around here - but you don't have to be friends with someone who wants to divorce you.

Do you know she's dating / has a new boyfriend, or are you just saying in theory?

Originally Posted by Mach40
The girls and I get alomg fine. They are growing up and doing their own thing. Grand kids will always be able to see me at will.
Your kids are adults and you've established a relationship with them, and sounds like you have regular access to your grandkids. That's the key.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 07/12/22 06:09 PM
Originally Posted by Mach40
I have decides I cant be friends with her. Not healthy.
Yeah Mach I knew you were going to have to learn this the hard way.
Originally Posted by Mach40
I dont want to see or hear of her new boyfriends etc.
Yep.
Originally Posted by Mach40
Seems childish, but just cant do it.
Why do you think it is childish?
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 07/12/22 06:27 PM
Some uber liberal types think its childish to not be friends. Its a stereotype I know.
But watch movies, media.
Divorce is glamourized.
But that being said. I have one life, and I want to enjoy it from now on.
I think there is someone who has been her "friend" for a long time, since 80s.
Music, art, always there during tough times. Cinnection via music, art, etc.
Used to work together in Tv productuon Channel 5, went to college together, well same time for same program.
She has been going to his bands gigs every so often. He has always been a person, red flag type.
He is RN. And I even put him in the Navy in the 90s. Corpmsan.
I know, as my BIL once noticed, he is always around her.
Kids havent said anything about him.
But, its done. Just a observation.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 07/12/22 06:37 PM
Originally Posted by Mach40
Some uber liberal types think its childish to not be friends. Its a stereotype I know.
But watch movies, media.
Divorce is glamourized.
But that being said. I have one life, and I want to enjoy it from now on.
I think there is someone who has been her "friend" for a long time, since 80s.
Music, art, always there during tough times. Cinnection via music, art, etc.
Used to work together in Tv productuon Channel 5, went to college together, well same time for same program.
She has been going to his bands gigs every so often. He has always been a person, red flag type.
He is RN. And I even put him in the Navy in the 90s. Corpmsan.
I know, as my BIL once noticed, he is always around her.
Kids havent said anything about him.
But, its done. Just a observation.
Male orbitors never last.
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 07/12/22 07:00 PM
Male orbitors never last. Never heard that turn before can you explain
Posted By: Taz Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 07/12/22 07:47 PM
[/quote]Male orbitors never last.[/quote]

LH,

I got a buddy that is stuck in the pattern of being a Beta Orbitor. He finally left the orbit of the first one but is now sucked in to another. I try to gently advise him but he is convinced that they will see his value eventually. I also see this behavior by a male patron at my regular watering hole. Its a sad existence.

T
Posted By: LH19 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 07/12/22 08:14 PM
A male orbitor is the guy who is always around trying to do nice things for a girl to get her to sleep with him. This can go on for years.
Posted By: BL42 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 07/13/22 03:38 AM
Mach40,
Originally Posted by Mach40
But that being said. I have one life, and I want to enjoy it from now on.
Right. This is key. Go live life and enjoy it to its fullest. You can make it whatever you want.

Originally Posted by Mach40
I think there is someone who has been her "friend" for a long time, since 80s.
If you feel it in your gut it's likely true. At the very least he's trying to hang around for a shot at her, if not that she's also interested. Like you said, it doesn't matter now...and see the comment above.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 07/13/22 01:12 PM
Originally Posted by Mach40
Minor update.
I have decides I cant be friends with her. Not healthy.
I dont want to see or hear of her new boyfriends etc.
Seems childish, but just cant do it.
The girls and I get alomg fine. They are growing up and doing their own thing. Grand kids will always be able to see me at will.

I made it clear to my W during our sitch that being "friends" was not an option. She dropped the "I hope we can still be friends" card fairly early on. I told her point blank that it wasn't happening. I have a very good relationship with her, relatively, small family, and I think she saw them wanting to still have a relationship with me. And she has a very good relationship with my family and I don't think she wanted to give that up. I see no point in being friends with an EX. If you have kids, being polite and nice to each other is fine, but being friends? Hanging out as such? Too many entanglements there, and someone new in your life would never understand nor trust it (and rightfully so!).

M40, I think you will find your ability move forward is much easier keeping her at arm's length.
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 07/13/22 06:56 PM
Right on everyone. Thnx for the support, I do apreciate it..
Posted By: BL42 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 07/13/22 07:08 PM
Mach40 - What are you doing for yourself...areas of improvement, GAL? Are you making the most of single life?
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 07/13/22 08:10 PM
I have been traveling allot, so I eat out allot. And drinks at these resturaunts.
I go to car shows, car n coffees. Cars are my passion.
I have been on 5 dates with different women.
Just enjoying the company amd trying to focus on enjoying time, nothing serious.
I havrnt been able to get established at a certain place or city. I am gone from home allot.
When home, me amd my grand kids, and oldest daughter go out to zoos, water parks. Places for kids to have fun.
Slow process. Not going to stress out.
And I have changed up my clothing. More appropriate for attracting people, not t shirts and such anymore, lol.
Bought a new car, not part of getting a life, but something for me
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 10/01/22 12:12 PM
Just a little update.. Went to see FIL yesterday after IAN came through South Carolina. He lost power, is 80. Just had to check on him. Nobody asked and he lives a 1.5 miles away.
Anyways, he was making mention of his daughter, my ex, was expecting/wanting us to be friends, especially with all the B Days and holidays coming up. I said, nope.
Her B day is this week, then Thanks giving, Oldest daughters B day, Christmas... Nope. Talked to daughters and they are okay with separate holidays and such. With one exception. My youngest grandbaby.. She is going to be six. She and I are very close, closer than her own Dad for example. When I walk into the room, she levitates to me..
So, Kids think we need to both be present for the B Day.. Thoughts?
I know ex is seeing someone, and I dont want anything to do with seeing him, as it will just really hurt and anger me..
Posted By: LH19 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 10/01/22 01:12 PM
Are you comfortable if he isn’t there?
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 10/01/22 01:27 PM
I would be comfortable if he wasnt there.. Its a bit selfish though.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 10/01/22 01:43 PM
I don’t think it’s selfish. Probably worth conversation with exw. Really don’t see the need for new bf to be at granddaughters BD at this point.
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 10/01/22 01:48 PM
BD? Disregard, not enough caffeine right now. Yep, grand baby will ask in her sweet little voice, Where is Pumpkin? Thats her name for me..
Posted By: BL42 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 10/01/22 02:50 PM
Mach40,

It's completely reasonable not to be friends with your ExW. It's not selfish. It's a healthy boundary. I think you did the right thing about talking to your kids to make sure they understand and are onboard. Maybe have a chat with them about your granddaughters birthday as well, and request ExWs new boyfriend not attend. Seems like they'd be understanding.
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 10/01/22 03:01 PM
I think getting healthy is the priority. I will reiterate it with the girls when I see them again.
I need to come up with a plan to start properly healing. I saw a real old thread here about "When are we truly healed" and it is very enlightening.
When you travel for work, its hard to get into a solid routine.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 10/01/22 03:33 PM
Originally Posted by Mach40
I saw a real old thread here about "When are we truly healed" and it is very enlightening.

It is...and there are different levels of that...

You'll know when you have reached "your" place though...

You just have to keep going and not be afraid to stare at yourself in the mirror, and don't dismiss the 'hard' questions you ask about yourself....


Your balance is being friends compared to being friendly....

Where is YOUR line with that, cause that's where you need to be...
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 10/01/22 03:38 PM
Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by Mach40
I saw a real old thread here about "When are we truly healed" and it is very enlightening.

It is...and there are different levels of that...

You'll know when you have reached "your" place though...

You just have to keep going and not be afraid to stare at yourself in the mirror, and don't dismiss the 'hard' questions you ask about yourself....


Your balance is being friends compared to being friendly....

Where is YOUR line with that, cause that's where you need to be...
Interesting point, "your balance is being friends compared to being friendly"
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 10/01/22 04:06 PM
Originally Posted by Mach40
Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by Mach40
I saw a real old thread here about "When are we truly healed" and it is very enlightening.

It is...and there are different levels of that...

You'll know when you have reached "your" place though...

You just have to keep going and not be afraid to stare at yourself in the mirror, and don't dismiss the 'hard' questions you ask about yourself....


Your balance is being friends compared to being friendly....

Where is YOUR line with that, cause that's where you need to be...
Interesting point, "your balance is being friends compared to being friendly"


Friends = you hang out and watch Blues Clues together while painting her toenails....



Friendly = "You wanna hang out and watch Blues Clues ?"



Nah, I'm going with some friends to watch them shave a Sasquatch...Have fun though
Posted By: Mach40 Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3 - 10/02/22 12:04 PM
post 2937997 has a follow up. Here is the post, its similar but Ex is now dating someone, so I had a follow up conversation with girls and they had one with their Mother.

"The kids and I had a talk, then they talked to their Mother.
When I spoke to them, they didnt want to talk about issues between their Mom and I. Fair enough.
I went their to speak about upcoming holidays and B Days. Their Mom just started dating someone a couple weeks ago. This is different, as far as her dating, as she introduced him to her Sister, and Father. Seems more serious.( So, my stomach turned immediately, damn it [censored]) I explained to them, I would not be comfortable at any family event if he were there. They agreed, that since we are all adults, we could do A thanksgiving here, Christmas etc. Only one they were concerned about is the youngest Grand Daughter. I am very important to her.
But, Ex emailed me and very politely asked if we could do whats good for the kids, and try to do events together for them. She spoke to the girls and they want normalcy. My BIL and his ex always had his ex at every major family event for his kids, and that is their vision too.
I see it as they want their Dad to be their with them, and Dad needs to grow up/heal do whatever he needs to do.
My Ex is a peace keeper, wants everyone to be happy, always has. She is not a mean person, she is calculated, well educated ( Master in Marketing and PR, interesting huh).
Right now my gut hurts. I love my girls, but I dont think I have let her go apparently if this bothers me this much
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