4 months after BD - 10/28/21 01:03 AM
Long story.
I was married for 18 years and together for 22 years. 2 sons aged 19 and 21.
I used to drink a fair bit and over the last 4-5 years started drinking more and would be angry (never violent) and never seemed happy.
Looking back at it I was potentially MLC ing myself. My 50th birthday came up in February this year and something in my head said time to change so I started enjoying life and generally being happier.
At the same time I started noticing my wife putting down her phone or turning it off when I entered the room. I challenged her and she said nothing was going on. I didn't believe it so started drinking more to hide from the fears.
In March she mentioned that she had been to see the doctor for womens problems and he diagnosed her as perimenopausal (starting in November). She laughed and said I'm going to be a b****h for the next 7 years.
In April I had enough of my suspicions and checked her phone.........My heart was ripped out ......."I love you" to another man.
She said it was only 2 kisses and after much forcing on my part she eventually defriended him and told him not to contact her.
I suggested counselling and the first session we went to she stated outright "I'm done and we won't be together anymore".
I started my own counselling and saw my doctor for help with my drinking and cut right back and realised it was an emotional crutch.
However I was so angry, hurt and betrayed and we had many arguments during this time.
"I know you're changing but it's too late for me"
"Why did it take for me to what I did before you got help?" (She had been begging me for years.)
"I love you but not in love with you"
"We are only friends" (Speaking about AP).
" I only kissed him twice"
"It was normal"
"I was only thinking of myself"
"Maybe I should have been more careful to not get caught"
"You made me do it"
"I need to find myself"
Fast forward....I left the house for a week to give her space......returning on the Sunday. She moved out that day (June) and it turns out it was the same day that our son had his first child. She rang and said do you want me to pick you up so we can see the grandbaby?
Really? You've just left me, the house and our family and you want me to go with you? BTW our 2 sons and their girlfriends live in our house.
She has written me a letter saying that she didn't like the person I had become and that is fair enough.
Also put in the letter that she still wants to be friends and can't come back because "Will he trust me again?" "Will he start drinking again?" "Will he check on me every time I go out?".
We have only caught up once and that was to discuss our son who is having depression. I have begged pleaded and got angry and made all the usual mistakes when someone first separates or finds out about an affair.
During this conversation she told me that she had spoken to AP twice........I felt like another knife had been plunged into my already dead heart.
I questioned her as to whether she was trying to tell me that they were back together or not.......All she would reply was "You wanted honesty......so we have spoken to each other twice." And eventually said no they aren't together.
BTW AP lives with his ex wife and has done so for 10 years.
I have done a lot of self reflection and am improving as a person and am trying to get her to open up to me like she did with her AP ("He listened to me and it was nice"). But no matter what I do it just doesn't seem to get through. If the topic ever comes up it's always the same "I'm not coming back".
I have said I want to support her as I know she is going through a tough time.
"Why would you want to support me after what I've done?"
"AP didn't break up our family, I did"
"Why would you want to support me when I don't want to be with you?"
Because I love you and you supported me for so many years.
She had been reaching out a couple of times a week to see how I am (It's pretty obvious that I am devastated) and when I have defriended her on Facebook she messages straight away asking why. I have now changed my interactions with her and a few times she has "thanked" me for making it easier to talk to me. She expects and probably is waiting for me to be angry........
1 That I'm not changing.
2. That my changes aren't genuine.
3. To validate her choice to have an affair, leave our house and walk away from the marriage.
However now no contact from her for 2 weeks.
She has started going out quite regularly with her "Gal Pals" who tell her she's got this and that sparks are just around the corner.
She has religiously paid a joint loan we have and is also paying for our health insurance (has not removed me for some reason).
Is worried that the boys won't talk to her when "she moves on".
Has most of her gear still at the house and when I offered her financial settlement it was ignored (and it was more than fair). She is living with mutual friends and unfortunately that has damaged my relationship with them.
I know it's been a long road for her to get to this point and know that "if" there is any possibility it would take a long time to resurrect.
I love this woman with all my heart but have no idea who she is or who she has become.
There is probably more and I may add to this later but I am at a complete loss.
I was married for 18 years and together for 22 years. 2 sons aged 19 and 21.
I used to drink a fair bit and over the last 4-5 years started drinking more and would be angry (never violent) and never seemed happy.
Looking back at it I was potentially MLC ing myself. My 50th birthday came up in February this year and something in my head said time to change so I started enjoying life and generally being happier.
At the same time I started noticing my wife putting down her phone or turning it off when I entered the room. I challenged her and she said nothing was going on. I didn't believe it so started drinking more to hide from the fears.
In March she mentioned that she had been to see the doctor for womens problems and he diagnosed her as perimenopausal (starting in November). She laughed and said I'm going to be a b****h for the next 7 years.
In April I had enough of my suspicions and checked her phone.........My heart was ripped out ......."I love you" to another man.
She said it was only 2 kisses and after much forcing on my part she eventually defriended him and told him not to contact her.
I suggested counselling and the first session we went to she stated outright "I'm done and we won't be together anymore".
I started my own counselling and saw my doctor for help with my drinking and cut right back and realised it was an emotional crutch.
However I was so angry, hurt and betrayed and we had many arguments during this time.
"I know you're changing but it's too late for me"
"Why did it take for me to what I did before you got help?" (She had been begging me for years.)
"I love you but not in love with you"
"We are only friends" (Speaking about AP).
" I only kissed him twice"
"It was normal"
"I was only thinking of myself"
"Maybe I should have been more careful to not get caught"
"You made me do it"
"I need to find myself"
Fast forward....I left the house for a week to give her space......returning on the Sunday. She moved out that day (June) and it turns out it was the same day that our son had his first child. She rang and said do you want me to pick you up so we can see the grandbaby?
Really? You've just left me, the house and our family and you want me to go with you? BTW our 2 sons and their girlfriends live in our house.
She has written me a letter saying that she didn't like the person I had become and that is fair enough.
Also put in the letter that she still wants to be friends and can't come back because "Will he trust me again?" "Will he start drinking again?" "Will he check on me every time I go out?".
We have only caught up once and that was to discuss our son who is having depression. I have begged pleaded and got angry and made all the usual mistakes when someone first separates or finds out about an affair.
During this conversation she told me that she had spoken to AP twice........I felt like another knife had been plunged into my already dead heart.
I questioned her as to whether she was trying to tell me that they were back together or not.......All she would reply was "You wanted honesty......so we have spoken to each other twice." And eventually said no they aren't together.
BTW AP lives with his ex wife and has done so for 10 years.
I have done a lot of self reflection and am improving as a person and am trying to get her to open up to me like she did with her AP ("He listened to me and it was nice"). But no matter what I do it just doesn't seem to get through. If the topic ever comes up it's always the same "I'm not coming back".
I have said I want to support her as I know she is going through a tough time.
"Why would you want to support me after what I've done?"
"AP didn't break up our family, I did"
"Why would you want to support me when I don't want to be with you?"
Because I love you and you supported me for so many years.
She had been reaching out a couple of times a week to see how I am (It's pretty obvious that I am devastated) and when I have defriended her on Facebook she messages straight away asking why. I have now changed my interactions with her and a few times she has "thanked" me for making it easier to talk to me. She expects and probably is waiting for me to be angry........
1 That I'm not changing.
2. That my changes aren't genuine.
3. To validate her choice to have an affair, leave our house and walk away from the marriage.
However now no contact from her for 2 weeks.
She has started going out quite regularly with her "Gal Pals" who tell her she's got this and that sparks are just around the corner.
She has religiously paid a joint loan we have and is also paying for our health insurance (has not removed me for some reason).
Is worried that the boys won't talk to her when "she moves on".
Has most of her gear still at the house and when I offered her financial settlement it was ignored (and it was more than fair). She is living with mutual friends and unfortunately that has damaged my relationship with them.
I know it's been a long road for her to get to this point and know that "if" there is any possibility it would take a long time to resurrect.
I love this woman with all my heart but have no idea who she is or who she has become.
There is probably more and I may add to this later but I am at a complete loss.