Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: Steve_ Steve_ Moving on - 07/09/21 06:51 PM
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2918964&page=11 link to old thread.


Just wanted to ask the crew here about some things that have been on my mind lately.

-I find myself still caring about WW. I dont mean that I miss her and want to be with her, I know that would be an extremely poor decision. There has been unrepairable damage and the absolute best thing is for us to move on. Mayyyyybe be friends some day. But I am concerned because of her poor decision making, she tends to catapault herself into men's nonsense head first. She is now broken hearted and spinning since the OM she left me for didnt work out (DUH) and she wants to move several hours away. I am okay with moving there its closer to my family. I told her to take a couple months and go, see if its what she really wants. Otherwise im just gonna set roots down and apply for these career jobs I want. One of us has to be stable for the kids so thats on me for sure.

I guess my question is: Is it normal to have some kind of thoughts sometimes that you miss the idea of what should have been? Still love the person, wish it went different. Even though you know logically its impossible and a terrible idea and I would never want to feel those things she did to me again, the disrespect the repeated infidelity, and im 1000% happier now. But occasionally I get a strange feeling of sadness over how this all went down. September will be a year since she left for OM. I know eventually Ill be totally over it. And like I said im much much happier now, I have my self confidence back, my value as a man and a father and even as a nurse. I feel like my life will be great and my kids will be great. Sometimes I just worry about what is gonna happen to the WW and the kids now. The nuclear family being lost, etc etc. It causes me a little sadness once in awhile.

Its mostly when Im alone, when the kids are with her or the in laws. And the in laws are great no issue there just guess sometimes when I sit on my couch for a little while I occasionally get some reality depression or something once or twice a week. The IC said thats normal and thats the last stage of grief, which is acceptance, but I wanted to hear what yall have to say.
Posted By: CWarrior Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/09/21 07:35 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
Is it normal to have some kind of thoughts sometimes that you miss the idea of what should have been? Still love the person, wish it went different. Even though you know logically its impossible and a terrible idea and I would never want to feel those things she did to me again, the disrespect the repeated infidelity, and im 1000% happier now. But occasionally I get a strange feeling of sadness over how this all went down.

It's normal to grieve, to bounce between denial, anger, bargaining, depression before reaching acceptance. Sitting with the feelings and finding ways to express them can be helpful.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/09/21 07:44 PM
Steve unfortunately again you are trying to shortcut the process. Your little love affair is fizzling out on you. You have tried everything possible to manipulate your W back to no avail and now you are cycling into depression. You are the most attached LBS we have ever had except for maybe Curtis. I told you minimum two years before you would get over your ex and that's with intense therapy. Does your girlfriend know how you feel? Is she ok with it?
Posted By: CWarrior Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/09/21 07:51 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
Your little love affair is fizzling out on you. Does your girlfriend know how you feel?

LH19, sometimes, I admire your bluntness! My guess was the same. Steve, if so, it's healthy. A little space is just what the doctor ordered to confront and deal with the emotions from your XW leaving you.

Originally Posted by Steve_
im 1000% happier now.

It's also okay if you're not 1000x happier. I suspect I'm only 3.14x happier, or maybe 42x happier. In many ways I'm stronger and doing better since my XGF and I are over, in some ways I struggle to make and maintain positive changes in my life. I'm seeing my therapist Monday to work on that. (:
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/09/21 08:09 PM
Steve, its been nearly 16 months for H and I, and every now and again, when kids ask me to tell them funny stories of their dad and i or our time as a family, i feel sadness, crushed hopes, questions of what could have been..i personally think its totally normal. Im not tempted to txt or phone, but i let the feelings be and then they go. I mean they really dont last long and if they linger i find that the universe remind me very quickly of what H has become.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/09/21 08:17 PM
Originally Posted by Gigi123
Steve, its been nearly 16 months for H and I, and every now and again, when kids ask me to tell them funny stories of their dad and i or our time as a family, i feel sadness, crushed hopes, questions of what could have been..i personally think its totally normal. Im not tempted to txt or phone, but i let the feelings be and then they go. I mean they really dont last long and if they linger i find that the universe remind me very quickly of what H has become.

I'd bet money these are not the feelings Steve is talking about.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/09/21 08:27 PM
Your most likely right LH, theres a difference between sadness and being prepared to take someone back at the drop of a hat. Im way past that now. In fact im not even sure what H would need to do to get some sort of spot back in my life. I find my life peaceful the less i interact with him, he still gives me anxiety.
Posted By: harvey Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/10/21 02:24 AM
Originally Posted by LH19
Steve unfortunately again you are trying to shortcut the process. Your little love affair is fizzling out on you. You have tried everything possible to manipulate your W back to no avail and now you are cycling into depression. You are the most attached LBS we have ever had except for maybe Curtis. I told you minimum two years before you would get over your ex and that's with intense therapy. Does your girlfriend know how you feel? Is she ok with it?


LH can be harsh, but we were all thinking this. Steve, Curtis, and Wolf are the three that stand out that haven't properly DB'd, and it's painfully obvious. Steve, I have hopes that you might see the light, but I'm afraid that your going to cave for the instant gratification. When you say things like "maybe we can be friends some day," just why? 6-7 time cheater. Steve, you deserve better. Know your value. There are a few people that are just better off divorcing their spouse and moving on with their life. You are one of those people. Don't look back. You can thank us in ten years.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/10/21 02:31 AM
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by LH19
Your little love affair is fizzling out on you. Does your girlfriend know how you feel?

LH19, sometimes, I admire your bluntness! My guess was the same. Steve, if so, it's healthy. A little space is just what the doctor ordered to confront and deal with the emotions from your XW leaving you.

Originally Posted by Steve_
im 1000% happier now.

It's also okay if you're not 1000x happier. I suspect I'm only 3.14x happier, or maybe 42x happier. In many ways I'm stronger and doing better since my XGF and I are over, in some ways I struggle to make and maintain positive changes in my life. I'm seeing my therapist Monday to work on that. (:


Pi and a HGTTG reference all in one post! Well played, CW!
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/10/21 10:56 AM
Originally Posted by harvey
Originally Posted by LH19
Steve unfortunately again you are trying to shortcut the process. Your little love affair is fizzling out on you. You have tried everything possible to manipulate your W back to no avail and now you are cycling into depression. You are the most attached LBS we have ever had except for maybe Curtis. I told you minimum two years before you would get over your ex and that's with intense therapy. Does your girlfriend know how you feel? Is she ok with it?


LH can be harsh, but we were all thinking this. Steve, Curtis, and Wolf are the three that stand out that haven't properly DB'd, and it's painfully obvious. Steve, I have hopes that you might see the light, but I'm afraid that your going to cave for the instant gratification. When you say things like "maybe we can be friends some day," just why? 6-7 time cheater. Steve, you deserve better. Know your value. There are a few people that are just better off divorcing their spouse and moving on with their life. You are one of those people. Don't look back. You can thank us in ten years.

If thats harsh then this board is getting really soft. Steve what I am trying to convey is that I know what you are up to and trying to do. It just doesnt work. Nothing you do is going to change her mind. Attraction is not a choice. She doesnt have it for you and most likely never will until you really actually give up. My point is for you to be honest and come to the board and speak honestly. If you want to stand then stand. Dont bring other people into it. If you want to break the changes we can help you with that too. What you are currently doing is going to bring you a lot of pain for a really long time.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/10/21 09:34 PM
LH I dont think you understand. You have become so jaded you are not listening to what Im saying you are interpreting it in a personal way.

I do not want my XW back. She is not a good person. She continues to display that constantly. The disrespect she throws around at anyone who stands in her way is insane. All I was asking was if that others have had similar feelings and about how long they dealt with it.

I am not playing a damn game. This is not about getting my XW back. I am not a moron she is never ever ever going to respect me as a man especially if I went back to her after the horrors she did to me. I am better off alone with my kids than with her. This is not about that. It was about asking something else.

My GF knows exactly whats going on. She is dealing with her own reality, me having kids, an ex that is just a sh*tty person, and her own things. This has nothing to do with her this is my process to walk through. I am done posting here. I suppose the point of this board is to help save marriages but regurgitating Corey Waynes dating advice and personal jaded feelings is getting old. I read his book I watch his videos. And the man is in his older age playing the game with no wife, no kids, no family and no legacy except notches in a bed post. I dont want that for me. And Im not trying to save this marriage. I was asking about life after its over and moving on. I think its time to look for support elsewhere. Had I DB properly at the beginning this process would have happened faster and yes I probably could have saved this M. But Im glad I did not. Its not worth it. And if I took any advice from this board or walk away with anything its that I am glad this divorce did not get busted. But coming here for advice post divorce and getting the opposite is useless.

Thanks for your efforts I hope you can help someone with a M worth saving. Now I see why so few people save Ms in divorce. That explains the inactivity on those boards.

-cheers
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/10/21 10:45 PM
Oh and thanks Cwarrior your first response was actually appropriate,

gigi123 thanks for answering the question I was actually asking without assuming or inferring 20 other things.
I find that the universe reminds me for sure but if I give her a day or two she does something just as bad and cements that more and more. I wish you happiness in your future endeavors.

Take care folks
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/10/21 10:50 PM
Steve,

Youre are right I am jaded because Ive seen families destroyed on this board for 6 years now. This $hit is now being glorified on Netflix on how you can have it all. Theres a guy on here now whose W left him because he got sick. So yeah Im jaded! So I dont have a soft spot for WWs like your ex wife. What I am also is good at spotting BS when I read it. Apparently Im not the only one who sees it. If you would have came here and asked if it was normal to miss your intact family from time to time I would have answered you yes and that feeling may never go away. Im three years past d and it still hits me from time to time. But you had to add in how your ex had broken up with another guy and blah,blah,blah and you are going to move away with her so to me its obvious where your heads at right now.

Corey Waynes personal life has nothing to do with anything. His views on boundaries and self respect are what I am interested in.

You could have dbed until the cows came home and you had at best a .0001% of saving your marriage Steve. Thats the honest truth.

Dont leave the board because of me. I will never post to you again. Years down the road you will see I had your best interest at heart. You just cant see it right now.
,
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/11/21 04:39 AM
Steve, but sure why you'd leave the board? Why get so defensive and upset? Either the advice/feedback you get is spot on or it's not. Getting upset over another poster's opinion isn't going to solve anything. You're feelings about your XW are typical and normal. Dating before you've processed that and dealt with the emotional baggage is not. That's called trying to shortcut the process. Disagreeing with that is your right, but why you'd leave the board over that being pointed out seems rash and a bit immature.

If you do leave, peace. Everyone here wants nothing but the best for you!
Posted By: JosephS Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/11/21 03:38 PM
No need to get upset. Either take the advice in stride or ignore it.

As far as the blow back you received its because you said your STBXW was moving and youd be fine moving with her. Thats a massive red flag with your question.

Are your feelings of grieving the end of your marriage normal. Absolutely. Are your feelings of being ok to move hours away with her normal. No.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/11/21 05:16 PM
Why would you follow a woman who changes her mind from minute to minute. Shes manic. You still feel some sort of need to fix her . You are still extremely codependent on her. And you are trying to skip the actual process. Your kids need serious stability . Their mom is all over the place and their dad wants to follow her. How is that solid and healthy? I dont understand.

You can miss what you thought things were. But you still are emotionally attached to her.
Posted By: Thornton Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/11/21 06:23 PM
Hey Steve,

I would encourage you to keep posting. You get to decide which advice makes sense and which advice doesnt.

If you decide to leave the board, I wish you nothing but the best.

Take care.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/12/21 02:28 PM
I believe Elvis has left the building. Too bad. Rarely have we seen a poster more in need of serious IC (I would have even suggested psychiatric treatment for Steve_), and continued posting BEFORE he made decisions.

The problem with Steve_ has always been his cycle:

- Decides what he wants to do then does it.
- When it isn't working comes to the board asking for advice.
- Gets plenty of advice (more than most LBSs here!).
- Spends several posts saying why the advice is bad, doesn't apply, or the poster giving the advice is flawed.
- Disappears for a week or two.
- Rinse, repeat.
Posted By: MrBrside Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/12/21 03:05 PM
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I believe Elvis has left the building. Too bad. Rarely have we seen a poster more in need of serious IC (I would have even suggested psychiatric treatment for Steve_), and continued posting BEFORE he made decisions.



I think Steve would disagrea with you ! - His reply to me when i questioned his rationa was:

Originally Posted by Steve

I remind you I am a psych nurse



Originally Posted by SteveLW

The problem with Steve_ has always been his cycle:

- Decides what he wants to do then does it.
- When it isn't working comes to the board asking for advice.
- Gets plenty of advice (more than most LBSs here!).
- Spends several posts saying why the advice is bad, doesn't apply, or the poster giving the advice is flawed.
- Disappears for a week or two.
- Rinse, repeat.


I suspect Steve will be back soon. Steve needs to realise that not one person here is out to hurt or harm him - We all spend our own time posting and offering advice to aid him. We all want to see him come out the other side happier, with his children in a good place.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Steve_ Moving on - 07/12/21 06:08 PM
Originally Posted by MrBrside
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I believe Elvis has left the building. Too bad. Rarely have we seen a poster more in need of serious IC (I would have even suggested psychiatric treatment for Steve_), and continued posting BEFORE he made decisions.



I think Steve would disagrea with you ! - His reply to me when i questioned his rationa was:

Originally Posted by Steve

I remind you I am a psych nurse




Probably. But that is like being a customer service rep at a service department of the dealership and driving a car with a flat tire, smoking from being low and oil, and missing a muffler. And then when someone says "He you, need to take your car in for service" your response is: "I remind you that I am a customer service rep at a dealership service department!"

That is great. But it doesn't me you don't need to have your car serviced!

The fact that Steve_ is a psych nurse makes me even more adamant that he needs mental health care. That is a stressful job. On top of his combat PTSD and his PTSD from years of abuse at the hands of one of the worst WWs we've ever seen, he needs psychiatric care as much as his patents do!!!
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/10/21 12:29 AM
Hello everyone I returned for a few reasons. First off to say thanks, I got frustrated a couple months ago in my last posts but I realized that its because I was being honest about what I was doing and that what I was doing was not good. The advice was sound, it didn't play out that way for me as some of you guys have expected but there have been several events that have occurred and because I spent time here whether I took the advice right then and there or later it helped. So thanks.

Since my last post a couple months ago a few things have happened.

-I got active in the church next to me, brought my kids as well, they love sunday school. It has been a huge blessing in my life. It has really helped me a lot with the depression and moving on. Its healing me more than I can really have asked for. And the church offers free counseling for me and the children weekly.

-Been working tons of hours and paying off bills, going out of town to see my GF having fun, working on moving away from this small apartment and to a nicer place. I landed a job making $9.00 an hour more.

-EW has broken up with OM she left me for and got back like idk how many times, she tried to get me back, even moved into the same apartment complex and started going to my church. Yeah, no... hell no.. the farther I got away from her and the more time I spend with someone who is actually a good person the more I began to see how toxic and disgusting she is. I give her respect as a mom but otherwise I do not speak to her. I cant stop her legally and honestly the church has helped her attitude toward me be less ridiculous. I don't like it but nothing I can really do about it, and tbh she needs jesus.

-Occasionally I drive by my EW and her bf or side man, or atm whatever he is and if I see them I just wave. Im so glad he took her off my hands.

This month it has been a year since she took off with him, seems like it hasnt been that long, but I think back on months I felt like I was suffering and they seem like distant times. Now I really just look forward to staying on the road I am on. GF and I have had one falling out over crap the ex tried to pull, but fortunately she is mature enough to allow me the opportunity to establish more barriers and correct the issue. We are good and really support one another as we work through different times in our lives. Still long-distance but we see each other at least twice a month or so for a couple days.

We have a big christian concert coming up and then my birthday, then a wedding and another concert. In the meantime I spend as much time as I can with my kids, they are back in school and loving it, my daughter is doing really good actually turned things around. I continue to hit the gym, stay away from drama and pray. And its really worked out. I am not there yet and there is work to do but thanks to the advice as some issues came up I was able to dodge them or handle them. I even got my child support lowered from 1,000 to $600!

I get a ton of love and support from friends and family. And I did from you guys too. I just didnt see I needed to see what potentially could have happened had I continued the way I was. Thanks again.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/10/21 01:30 AM
Steve_ congrats on your life turning around! Great update and keep up the great work.

I'm still concerned about the dating so soon but it is your life and your get to decide that for yourself! Everyone is different so I'm glad to hear that so far you were right and I was wrong on that. Love the church going! So good for you and the kids.

Keep up the great work
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/10/21 03:18 AM
You were not wrong brother.

I just have been really blessed. I know you have concerns about dating soon after such a long M and such a bad D and WW. So did I, and so did my GF, her being 6 years younger no kids never M, really involved in her faith is challenging. But that is what her and I have the most of. And it’s how we get through the stuff the EW does. It’s going to be hard it’s gonna be a transition no matter who I end up with. But I am very blessed this girl has been solid, patient, and kind with the process. It’s been about 5 months now and it’s gotten better as time has gone by. Her and I are really close and we are realistic about our needs, desires for the future and so on. I am not worried about it, because I know I’ll be alright. And I’m honestly really happy, so is she and most importantly the kids are happy as well. Finally things are good. There will always be problems but I am a lot better equipped these days for them. I’m not afraid to speak up for what I want and what is right. It won’t be always easy but I feel like it will be worth it I am doing really well. Thanks again everyone
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/10/21 05:05 AM
Great update Steve. Glad you are doing well and things are working out with your girlfriend. Distance is tough but, in your case, it’s probably a good thing as it does give you some time to work on your own stuff and to really put your past behind you. Glad you saw your XW for the person she is. You deserve much better than she is capable of giving you. Best of luck!!! (((HUGS)))
Posted By: CWarrior Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/10/21 05:08 AM
Hi Steve_, just chiming in to say I'm so glad things are going well for you and you are no longer so tempted by your XW. Glad you and your GF are working out after all. Like DejaVu says, I wouldn't be surprised if the extra distance has been a key factor in that.
Posted By: Drh2001 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/13/21 09:28 AM
Originally Posted by Steve_
-EW has broken up with OM she left me for and got back like idk how many times, she tried to get me back, even moved into the same apartment complex and started going to my church. Yeah, no... hell no.. the farther I got away from her and the more time I spend with someone who is actually a good person the more I began to see how toxic and disgusting she is. I give her respect as a mom but otherwise I do not speak to her. I cant stop her legally and honestly the church has helped her attitude toward me be less ridiculous. I don't like it but nothing I can really do about it, and tbh she needs jesus.


Glad you're making progress Steve but that part about your EW going to your church and even moving into your apt complex is very creepy.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/13/21 05:36 PM
I agree DRH,

Unfortunately there is nothing I really could have done to stop her short of a restraining order and I really dont want to go down that road legally it would just cause me headaches I dont need. This woman is a psychopath, she quite literally believed(s) that I will come running back to her at her beckon call. She actually had the notion I would move-in with her and be her room mate and also move in with her when we agreed several months back to relocate to LA. Of course now that I laughed those things off and have really started pursing a life away from her she is spinning and losing control. Making threats to take my kids custody away, saying she will tell a judge I have PTSD and that I am abusive and unstable. yeah she wont do that, its not even possible they are all empty threats. I have an army of people for character references if need be in court and zero arrest history so yeah Im not worried.

As far as church goes I go at 9 and she goes at 11. She got pissed off I dodged her this past sunday when the new kids wing opened up. I could care less, yes she needs jesus but not me to be there. I dislike her in every way possible and I want absolutely nothing to do with her as much as I can manage. I look forward to moving away soon, and getting on with my life away from her mess. I already talked to my kids they support me and know their mother is insane. I knew this would be hard for them, and I do my best with them but she will do as she does and I cant stop it. Thats just the hard reality. Otherwise Im happy and moving on. The final D papers cannot come soon enough, the judgment has been entered in default just waiting on the admin people I suppose.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/13/21 05:49 PM
To add the most recent nonsense, the XW pretty much moved in with OM she left for and now states she wont be moving to LA as we agreed on. She also is now threatening to tell the court that when I move im abandoning my kids and that she has no choice but to stay with OM and file for full custody, she says "you are abandoning your kids so you can go be with a girl"

Thats funny since that is exactly what she did abandon her M for OM and now its not working out. Bohoo oh well, I tried to tell her /shrug. Once her parents move out of state she will be on her own with no support and she will have no choice but to be a mom or move closer to me as she promised to begin with. Her and OM aint gonna work out, they have had a year and still dont steadily get along. Its just a matter of time until this fake world she lives in comes crashing down and she has no choice but to get it right. Im done enabling her, im moving on with my life and so is her parents in the next year or so. We all got choices, she made bad ones, not my problem, I dont worry god will provide a way for me and my kids and my future. I only need to focus on being the best father I can be given the situation.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/13/21 06:30 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
This woman is a psychopath, she quite literally believed(s) that I will come running back to her at her beckon call.
Do you understand why she would think that Steve?
Originally Posted by Steve_
I already talked to my kids they support me and know their mother is insane.
So a 5 and a 7 year old have come to the conclusion on their own that their mother is insane?
Originally Posted by Steve_
Her and OM aint gonna work out, they have had a year and still dont steadily get along. Its just a matter of time until this fake world she lives in comes crashing down and she has no choice but to get it right.
Boy you still are totally obsessed with their relationship.
Originally Posted by Steve_
Im done enabling her, im moving on with my life and so is her parents in the next year or so.
Hmmmmmm?
You seem stuck Steve. Time to move on my friend.
Posted By: CWarrior Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/13/21 07:02 PM
I read it like LH. You have some successes, but in some ways you're still stuck in a rut--

Originally Posted by Steve_
their mother is insane... This woman is a psychopath.. a restraining order and I really dont want to go down that road legally it would just cause me headaches I dont need.

a) You believe your XW is an insane psychopath--why aren't you protecting your kids by taking full custody, getting her a psych eval, and getting a restraining order issued? It's a headache is not a good reason for a guardian, someone who values their kids from failing to protect them from dangerous people.

b) You believe your XW is NOT an insane sociopath--why are you claiming she is and how do your kids (young kids rarely come to that conclusion even with truly insane parents) have that notion?!

It's hard, Steve_, to face where you're not doing the best you can for your kids. It sounds like you are doing many things right--but this huge miss outweighs a lot. I have some misses in my life, too (e.g. the state of my home), so I'm not singling you out. I'm facing those.

Originally Posted by Steve_
we agreed several months back to relocate to LA... I move im abandoning my kids and that she has no choice but to stay with OM and file for full custody, she says "you are abandoning your kids so you can go be with a girl"
If she agreed in writing, present it to the court. If not, she has a good case. Usually, the courts frown upon one parent moving the kids away from their home and the other parent. Hopefully your GF will move to you since you have kids.

Originally Posted by Steve_
Its just a matter of time until this fake world she lives in comes crashing down and she has no choice but to get it right.
Steve, I agree you seem fixated on OM and your XW having some comeuppance. I've definitely seen LBS get stuck there. I hope that's not going to be you, while she lives a 80% happy life, focusing on the 20% that goes wrong. wink
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/13/21 07:15 PM
Yep I know Im not getting it 100% right,

It is difficult to put the EW and her OM out of my mind when they moved into the same damn apartment complex as I live and sit on the patio and watch me take my kids to school in the mornings. And since EW started going to my church. Its 100% like she wants to control my life, keep her hooks in everything I do. This is why I call her a psychopath. Why file a D run off and then be pissed that Im moving on with my life and threaten me? you would think the logical person wouldnt care what Im doing since they wanted to leave and get a D. That is what leads me to believe she never thought she would have to deal with the actual consequences of her choice to go. That steve would sit there and take care of her and be there. No, I wont. She will continue to destroy everything and everyone around her becuase she has no empathy or remorse. Im sorry but I refuse to comply with this all for the sake of being a "good father." The court isnt gonna give me full custody but I plan on filing for it as soon as the D is finalized. I wont get it, I know, the CA courts are garbage in this kind of thing but at least I will try. And I am leaving and moving on. I have lost concern for what happens to EW. If I am lucky her and OM will ride off into the sunset and leave me alone. But I doubt it.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/13/21 07:29 PM
I called the L office today to make sure the D is progessing as it is supposed to be, if there is anything else needed. The secretary told me no, that it is all good and they are just processing slowly because of covid. (I expected that). When I move I plan on finding a job and getting stabilized, enduring the waves of BS she is gonna throw, seeing my kids when possible. (Like I said her threats wont mean jack, cause she wants to go out and party all the time and constantly asks me to take the kids.) It will be a short time before her taking these kids "full time" gets old and she needs me to help with them. I know it. I just have to keep my head down and be prepared for it. To me it just didnt make much sense to stop me from moving on or try to. I thought she wanted a damn divorce... I stopped fighting it in feburary and even paid for the rest and now... now she wants to act up. She said "nobody ever gonna watch my kids besides thier mom, they will never have a step-mom, I wont allow it and I will make sure they never leave here and ruin your life until she leaves you". So yeah that is why I call her a psycho and my kids hear this stuff and thats why they agree. I just have to keep on keeping on.

I thank god that I made it out of this M and I thank you guys as well. No telling how much worse it could have gone had I not came to these boards.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/13/21 07:31 PM
Wait.

You are moving away and leaving the kids with her full time ? !
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/13/21 07:49 PM
Oh no absolutely not, I will still have them my weekends unless she stops me. In the D papers i get them Saturday-Tuesday, so unless she forces me to change that I wont be. I will have to drive farther to pick them up but thats on me and Im okay with that.
Posted By: CWarrior Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/13/21 08:22 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
I refuse to comply with this all for the sake of being a "good father."

Steve_, I may be misreading, but it sounds like your moving would involve giving up custody time and/or subjecting the kids to lots of driving so you can be with this girlfriend.

Originally Posted by Steve_
It will be a short time before her taking these kids "full time" gets old and she needs me to help with them.
Originally Posted by Ginger
You are moving away and leaving the kids with her full time ? !
Originally Posted by Steve_
I will still have them my weekends unless she stops me. In the D papers i get them Saturday-Tuesday, so unless she forces me to change that I wont be. I will still have them my weekends unless she stops me. In the D papers i get them Saturday-Tuesday, so unless she forces me to change that I wont be.

1. If you move, are you giving up Sunday to Tuesday? If no, how will the kids get to school and back? If yes, are you really giving up half your custody with your kids to be with your girlfriend?
2. If you move, how much weekly driving are you subjecting your kids to?
3. If you move and she files a motion to prevent the kids from moving, are you going to return to be with them, or abandon the remainder of your custody time to live with your girlfriend?
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/13/21 09:39 PM
I won’t give up custody. It will Just be a longer drive. For now at least. Once I find my employment and relocate I plan on suing for full custody and custodial rights. I will ask the court for no support from her and offer her custody of the children on any weekend she wants. I plan on submitting a list of days I had them, all the support payments I made which I was not required and am still not by court to make. A solid employment with medical and dental benefits for the children and a improved school district (the one they are in is bad). I will also submit in the 4 times she has moved in and out with OM, her threats to put my son on medication on December 19th because he didn’t get along with OM kids. Not to mention OM she’s with lost his kids due to a domestic violence charge a couple months ago and I’m sure that won’t help her cause. I also plan on showing a list of truancy where the entire last 5 months of school the past year the children missed 80% of class on her days. I will get letters from teachers, other parents, family members and friends if need be.

But I feel like it will not come to that. To be frank her only reason for remaining in this town at the moment is that her parents support the kids they live with the parents still. She has not moved them in with OM because the children hate him and because their relationship is unstable, so she spends some of the nights over at her moms with them. But her parents are moving out of state soon. So her support will be gone. She will have no choice but to go to her support system where I am moving (45) minutes from me or she will have to stay and move kids in with her and OM. It will be a disaster and while she tries to deny me rights to be vindictive I will Continue to note it, track it, record it and push for full custody until I get it. Her descision making is clearly impaired when it comes to the welfare of the children. And eventually after petitioning enough I should get it.

I will not stay here in town for the sake of her comfort to use me to continue on her R with OM. She’s made it clear he is temporary for the money he provides, but is already and has been looking elsewhere for other OMS where I am going. The best thing I can do is continue to push and push for full custody and record all the crazy stuff she does. Eventually I will get it or the kids will rebel against her so badly she will have no choice but to work with me. They do not like what she is doing, they do not like how she acts it’s a matter of time. I am 100% sure once her parents move (less than a year or so) she will be begging for my help to relocate closer to me for support. She does not like having these kids with her even 4 days a week . She doesn’t like how they behave toward her when she is with OM and his kids. All I need to do is brace the storm continue to petition the court and I will come out on top. It’s a matter of time.

All of her threats are empty, she is only doing this to try to control me and prevent me from moving on. And it won’t work
Posted By: may22 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/14/21 01:22 AM
Wait. I read all of that and I still don't understand why you are moving to LA. Except to escape her? Can't you find another apartment that isn't next door to her? When they're with you can they still go to their same school? They'll have to be in the car for 1.5 plus additional hours per day? I'm super confused.

You have said over and over that she's unreliable and barely watches them when she has them. For the life of me I'm completely failing to understand why you would move to another city then and be that much farther away from them if they need you, and think that is going to help you get full custody. I think you are actually putting yourself at risk by moving, increasing their instability, and demonstrating that you aren't putting them first. What happens when the school calls because someone fell and broke their arm and your ExW isn't answering? You're 45 minutes away (and with LA traffic, 45 minutes is like the time it will take to get from one neighborhood to the other) -- I'm guessing that during some times of the day you might be literally hours from your kids-- how are you going to pick them up and make sure they're okay? The idea of moving to another CITY from your own children just seems impossible to understand. I know I'm not you. But this is really difficult for me to wrap my head around.

Also, children your kids' age are not capable of determining if someone is "psycho" or not, no matter what they hear. This:
Quote
So yeah that is why I call her a psycho and my kids hear this stuff and thats why they agree.
is not okay. Sounds like parental alienation. Which is not good for them, nor will it help you in custody proceedings.

Again-- and sorry if this seems harsh-- but it seems like you're putting your drama and relationship with your ExW, as well as your relationship with your new GF, over your children's well-being.
Posted By: BL42 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/14/21 01:58 AM
Steve_,

Great update in terms of getting active in church and Sunday school, better job and hourly pay, working out, and recognizing the toxic nature of your ex / not blindly accepting her back.

I agree it's creepy she moved into your apartment complex and started up at your church.

However...I share others' concerns with your 5 and 7 year old children being dragged into a battle over which parent is "pyscho" or "toxic". Young kids (or any age really) shouldn't be torn up like that. I also share the concern about moving 45 mins away (with the potential for some serious traffic making it longer?). Not sure how a court is going to look at you leaving their town, nor does it sound like it's in the best interest of the children. You can't get a job with benefits and find a better school district closer? Are you moving to LA for them, or to be with your new GF? Because it sounds like the latter.

Originally Posted by Steve_
She will have no choice but to go to her support system where I am moving (45) minutes from me or she will have to stay and move kids in with her and OM. It will be a disaster and while she tries to deny me rights to be vindictive I will Continue to note it, track it, record it and push for full custody until I get it.

Originally Posted by Steve_
Eventually I will get it or the kids will rebel against her so badly she will have no choice but to work with me. They do not like what she is doing, they do not like how she acts it’s a matter of time. I am 100% sure once her parents move (less than a year or so) she will be begging for my help to relocate closer to me for support.
These quotes are cringeworthy to me. It sounds like you're relishing in her demise and plotting to get the kids to turn on her. It sounds controlling & vindictive towards her, and manipulative with the kids.

Don't get me wrong, I've had thoughts of karma to my own ExW, Ex-MIL, and OM2, but this makes it seem like you're taking action "break" her and plotting to turn the children against her. That doesn't sound like the best thing for them.

When I'm upset/angry and trying to decide how to respond or react, and I ask my family for advice, they always (rightfully) come back to me with "What's best for the children?"...regardless of my emotions. Put your children in front of your own thoughts and needs.

If your Ex is really living with someone who has domestic violence charges, withholding the children's medicine, and not taking them to school...those are LEGITIMATE concerns to raise with your L and in court! I don't understand why that would wait until after the D though. Custody is absolutely a main part of the D negotiations / process / court rulings...shouldn't you be raising those right now???
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/14/21 02:05 AM
The point I make is this:

Her and I agreed on moving to LA. That puts us 4 hours closer to both sets of grandparents, this her and I agreed on. I moved forward with those plans. Now as of last week her and OM are back together a 20th time and shes threatening to take my custody away and etc etc if I move. She depends on her parents to care for the kids while she galivants around with her OM. She gives zero F's about these kids or anyone else for that matter. I am not trying to alienate a parent, the children literally have eyewitnesses what she does for the last year. They see her coming home with $2000 backpacks, and $700 shoes and leaving them with their grandparents constantly. Yet asking me for money and threatening anyone who tells her anything.

If I stay in this city she wins, her parents leave, I stay here stuck where she gets to control me, the kids lives and do as she pleases, until the next time her and OM break up and she wants to go to LA again....She will continue to attempt to manipulate and play and ruin any R I ever end up in. This is who she is its what she does. There is 0% chance of her staying with OM and staying in this city once all the family is gone. Me moving closer to both grandparents and finding better work with benefits is something I want to do. Yes my GF lives around LA where her and I planned to go, the EW has support system there as well of childhood friends. If I stay she has me to do things for the kids and take that off her hands. If I leave she has nothing and will end up having to relocate closer to me, her parents, my parents, her support system. Staying here I will throw my life in the trash so she can play rich girl, leaving will cost me financially and will cost me time with my kids, but that wont last long believe that. The threats she makes come from a lack of being able to control me. My kids want to spend time with me and they love me, a court is not going to deny me the ability to see my children, and at the end of the day she walked out and filed a divorce. I dont feel the need to stay in this town when none of my family or even her family will be here just so she can be happy with OM. Nope, no thanks. Im not doing that for the rest of my life.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/14/21 02:13 AM
At some point I have to say enough is enough man, she is 10000% using the kids to manipulate and control. She knows damn good and well whats best for them is not her lifestyle. And lets say she does somehow gain custody of them. It wont last long because she absolutely hates parenting. If I continue to fold to her threats, her desires and etc I will have a lifetime of pain and regret ahead of me.

I am writing in a bit of angry emotion, yes the situation with the kids is not that extreme where they call their own mom a psycho and I wouldnt want that, but they do see what she does and how she uses people. I will not comply or bow down to her staying here for OM just cause she possesses female sex organs and courts side with her. I have my life to consider as well, and when the entire rest of this family moves away and I have none here already staying for her to be in a toxic relationship with OM to enable that to continue by supporting it is not what is best for my kids. To move, get stable and continue to fight for them is.

I will fight until I gain custody of my kids or at least a fair deal. I will not be controlled by her and her desires to control my life. Sorry if that is against the advice here but I have to not hate every single day of the rest of my life either.
Posted By: BL42 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/14/21 02:28 AM
Steve_,

Maybe I'm confused, but something isn't adding up...

Originally Posted by Steve_
She will have no choice but to go to her support system where I am moving (45) minutes from me or she will have to stay and move kids in with her and OM.

Originally Posted by may22
They'll have to be in the car for 1.5 plus additional hours per day? I'm super confused.

You're 45 minutes away (and with LA traffic, 45 minutes is like the time it will take to get from one neighborhood to the other) -- I'm guessing that during some times of the day you might be literally hours from your kids-- how are you going to pick them up and make sure they're okay?

Originally Posted by Steve_
Her and I agreed on moving to LA. That puts us 4 hours closer to both sets of grandparents, this her and I agreed on.

How can LA be 45 mins from you and also 4 hrs closer to both sets of grandparents? Exactly how far away is LA from where you, your kids, and your ExW currently live?

Btw...I assume that agreement to move to LA was casual and not a formal legally binding document? If I were you, I would be very wary of moving outside a reasonable area from your kids (whether it's 45 mins or 4 hrs) without first finalizing some sort of attorney-reviewed and court-signed custody agreement, regardless of your prior verbal agreement with her to move there. That might have a significant impact on the court's decision in a custody hearing.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/14/21 02:50 AM
[s][/s]These poor innocent children. 5 and 7 and being alienated from both sides.

And you think the only way you can stop her from controlling uou is to move? Ha! You need to chose to stop letting that happen no matter where you are.

You are going to end up shooting your self in the foot you are making a really risky move and could likely lose your kids and not get custody. You are moving away from them. You are the one who is choosing your GF. You will put more stress on them by moving because they will have much longer travel distances while trying to be in school.

You aren’t thinking about these kids. Neither of you are actually and it’s horrible to read
Posted By: MrBrside Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/14/21 08:43 AM
I echo all of the above.

Its great to see the progress you have made in terms of breaking away from the EW..Thats a real positive..

On the negative side, you are still acting on impulse IMO...

If your wife is as bad as you say, you should be going for full custody now. As for the move, i question why ? to a rational person you are upping your children on a random discussion with the WW. Can i ask if your GF would be closer to where you plan to move to.. Is this a factor in the move..

I'll re-iterate again what ive always said - Be the rock for your kids...
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/14/21 12:01 PM
Yeah, regardless the plan was to move. The EW had been taking trips there and looking for a place, was working on a job. I terminated my lease here it’s up next month. I had already planned to stay with a friend for a couple months to save the $ for the move and probably move around the beginning of 2022. This was all worked out with EW moving in March. That’s until OM was back in the picture now it’s “I’m staying and if you leave there is consequences”

I guess I was living in a false reality thinking all she wanted was a D. Now it’s her mission to ensure I am prevented from moving on and having a life. Now she threatens to go to court and “take alimony retirement and full custody” if I move. We agreed to a set amount of support in a marriage settlement agreement that we filed when she was hot on leaving for OM, now that the case has been filed and Steve isn’t gonna be Plan B she wants me to suffer. This person is such a sick and twisted manipulator, it sometimes defeats me and I feel like I am the one who pays for her choices. Sometimes it makes it hard to have hope things will improve for me when she acts this way. But still I refuse to give in or give up for her satisfaction, I did that for 11 years.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/14/21 12:10 PM
Steve_, if your youngest is 5, then for the next 13 years all of your decisions should be based on one ideal: What is best for the kids.

This may mean personal sacrifice. At times it may mean eating crap sandwiches from the ex. But at the heart of everything should be "What is best for my kids!" Period. This was another reason I was not supportive of dating right now. Your kids have been through a lot. And while kids are resilient, they also have needs for their development. I'd encourage you to find a good family counselor and take them to see this counselor.

Not sure about the move, why you are doing it. My guess is to be closer to the GF. If so then I echo Mr.B above, that is an impulse move. You just gave us a great update on your new church, the kids love it, etc. And now are planning on moving almost an hour a way? Have you really thought that through?

I don't expect to change your mind, this board from your side has always been more of an update, get angry at pushback, disappear for days or weeks at a time, then come back with another update. Rinse, repeat. I know you well enough now to know that once your mind is made up there is no stopping you.

If the move is about the GF, just a question: Have been going to IC to work on your PTSD? If not, I see you in the same situation with her in 3-7 years. Do the hard work on yourself now, before it is too late again.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/14/21 12:17 PM
You legit think the courts are going to rule in your favor when you move with no good reason, into a friends house with your kids and no home of your own and away from where they go to school and have their friends? Is there a lawyer who specializes in custody that has actually advised you this is a good idea?

You can move on with your life without ruining it for the kids. Every decision you make should be in the best interest of the kids. Not you. I have been bound to the state of NJ until my daughter is 18. Is it the best thing for me? Nope. It’s too expensive here and I would have loved to move . But I can’t, my ex works for the state. So, I do what I have to do for my kids.

I can just about guarantee you go through with your “plan” you will lose your kids completely
Posted By: BL42 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/14/21 12:57 PM
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Steve_, if your youngest is 5, then for the next 13 years all of your decisions should be based on one ideal: What is best for the kids.
^Ding, ding, ding!

Originally Posted by Ginger1
You can move on with your life without ruining it for the kids. Every decision you make should be in the best interest of the kids. Not you.
^Ding, ding, ding!
Posted By: CWarrior Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/14/21 06:02 PM
All of this is said with love and care, Steve_. None of us want your update in 6 months to be that you've become a "dad" on the weekends only and pay "too much" support.

Originally Posted by Steve_
I guess I was living in a false reality thinking all she wanted was a D. Now it’s her mission to ensure I am prevented from moving on and having a life.
Yes, when you mind-read, you're living in a false reality. I doubt she sees that as her mission in life, but her motives, desires, feelings, etc. are neither your concern nor mine.

Originally Posted by Steve_
Now she threatens to go to court and “take alimony retirement and full custody” if I move.
Sensible, right? "Is it good for the kids if their dad moves 45min away and now they have to drive 1.5hrs to school?" We are all saying no. It's hard to imagine a judge saying yes.

Originally Posted by Steve_
We agreed to a set amount of support in a marriage settlement agreement
Steve_, child support is never "finally" agreed upon. It may be adjusted any time circumstances change such as your custody%, income, residence, etc. The point is to ensure the kids are provided for. Alimony can be finally agreed upon--if her notarized signature agreed to something it is set so don't worry. If the terms were not set in that way then of course you are still negotiating and it's not settled.

Originally Posted by Steve_
that we filed when she was hot on leaving for OM, now that the case has been filed and Steve isn’t gonna be Plan B she wants me to suffer.
Let go of the mind reading. (:

Originally Posted by Steve_
This person is such a sick and twisted manipulator, it sometimes defeats me and I feel like I am the one who pays for her choices.
It's okay to have feelings about her.

Originally Posted by Steve_
Sometimes it makes it hard to have hope things will improve for me when she acts this way.
Things will improve as you detach from her.

Originally Posted by Steve_
I feel like I am the one who pays for her choices.
In this scenario, you would be paying for your choice to move away from your kids' home. Yes, big changes (like relocations) typically need written approval from your co-parents or there can be consequences. You're free of her as a wife, not as a co-parent. That responsibility goes both ways. It sounds like you began negotiations about moving but never settled it in writing.

Originally Posted by Steve_
But still I refuse to give in or give up for her satisfaction, I did that for 11 years.
Let go of what decisions mean for your XW. Focus on what they mean for your kids.
Posted By: BL42 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/14/21 06:30 PM
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Let go of what decisions mean for your XW. Focus on what they mean for your kids.
^Yes! I know it's difficult because your emotions raging regarding your XW are amped up right now (trust me...I get it), but really try to step back and focus on what's best the kids.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/15/21 09:14 PM
I wanted to talk to her today like an adult about potentially just taking the kids 3 days a week. (its what I do now anyhow) but I would pick them up friday after school and return them sunday night. This means I would not be interfering with the kids school and I will have them fri night-sun night Every week. (yeah not gonna happen now, she has gone ballistic).

Right now I have them saturday late at night until tuesday evening. Well, my kids went back to her today and my son is having some ill will toward her. He is unhappy about the fighting, he has heard they way she talks (we been in the car when i've answered phone calls) and he is aware she has moved back in with OM. He has over heard her and I arguing about her taking the custody away from me and me responding to her threats. I do this outside with my patio door shut but he has overheard and last week when she was physically there he heard her yelling at me in the parking lot.

I am admit that I need to stop engaging with her, I have to just let it slide and not let the threats get my goat, but these things regarding custody have really bothered me. My kids got involved in the back and forth and I know that is not good. I asked her if she would be willing to go to coparenting classes and sit down with the kids or the family and even the L and work this out, things are getting out of hand.

She decided to tell me she is at the L's office and is demanding that I pay her $800 that I havent paid the last 2 months since we agreed to cut the support back a little. (I dont legally have to pay anything until the order is completed and Ive paid over $13,000 just to be supportive). So that is not really cool, the next thing is her saying I am filing a restraining order on you because you threatened me and my kids and I will message your *&%(^ girlfriend and tell her to stay the F away from my kids enjoy your life good bye.

I asked to her calm down, once again ask if her and I can talk to the children, work this out and not do all this. She said I will tell them you have PTSD and abused me and you were an alcoholic. Etc etc... she has really gone for the gold here. Fortunately this is all via text message. I called the L's office, she was not there. I asked her not to contact me unless it is productive and to please calm down and work with me for the sake of the children. She continues to threaten to use alleged events from years prior to gain custody, file restraining orders, and threaten my time with the kids.

I know I need to keep the kids out of our arguing, I should have done a better job. She has become enraged at how my son is acting toward her because of the threats she is making. He is scared she is going to take my custody away. I told him that is not going to happen.

Something needs to give before this mess becomes a permanent effect on the kids more so than it has. I feel like I want to really push for this coparenting class and get the L to mediate the custody issue. My deciding to move has not occured yet, and wont occur for like 7 months, yet she is making these threats now. Telling the children and her family I am abandoning them and etc.. the petty fighting and threats are really the issue. I gotta stop this before it gets worse. Later she sends me a picture of the attorney's office door telling me to "call her bluff" I was hoping this would not come to this but clearly it has. I see myself in court a lot in the future, and my R with the girlfriend dissapearing as well because of this.
Posted By: CWarrior Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/15/21 10:18 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
I wanted to talk to her today like an adult about potentially just taking the kids 3 days a week. (its what I do now anyhow) but I would pick them up friday after school and return them sunday night. (yeah not gonna happen now, she has gone ballistic). I asked her if she would be willing to go to coparenting classes and sit down with the kids or the family and even the L and work this out,
Hi Steve, you made a request and she said "No". "No" is a clear answer. I'm not sure what there is to work out? You could ask an impartial judge--99% odds they also say "No" because most don't think it's reasonable for her to do the work of schooldays while you enjoy the weekends. The standard plan for dads who want to see their kids but not parent is "every other weekend". If you want her to agree to special terms just for you, you're going to have to sweeten the pot in some way.

Originally Posted by Steve_
He has over heard her and I arguing
Stop arguing. Arguing takes two.

Originally Posted by Steve_
I am admit that I need to stop engaging with her
Yep. Arguing doesn't accomplish a whole lot. You can't manipulate or control her.

Originally Posted by Steve_
My kids got involved in the back and forth and I know that is not good.
Yep. No means no. If she's unreasonable then engage a judge.

Originally Posted by Steve_
I asked her if she would be willing to go to coparenting classes and sit down with the kids or the family and even the L and work this out, things are getting out of hand.
Sounds like wasted effort? You can avoid all these arguments by hanging up. This isn't a co-parenting negotiation, it's custody negotiation. Engage your lawyer for a range of ideas on what custody plans a court would very favorably upon, then propose them. As you drop from 50/50 parenting time, expect your support payments to increase, and expect her to make most/all parenting decisions.
Posted By: CWarrior Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/15/21 10:31 PM
Steve_, it saddens me to see you walk down this path.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/15/21 10:31 PM
Friday night to Sunday night is 48 hours. 48 of a 168 hour week. That’s it. 2 days. And on days where there is minimal real life responsibility .

You seriously think a court is ever going to give you full custody with that schedule ?!? Ha! She might actually win a plead for full custody if you move and go that route .

You engage . You argue to get what you want . You both are guilty of parental alienation . Like CW said. She said no. And she has no good reason to give you the schedule you request . You should have taken her answer and left it alone .

Get your act together and prioritize you children if you want to give those kids hope of not getting totally f’ed up from this mess.

And yeah, you’ll probably lose your GF. But she shouldn’t even be in the picture until you can step up your game as a parent and take the focus off your ex and learn how to engage. Or rather, not engage
Posted By: MLCxH Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/16/21 12:08 AM
Steve_,

How is it reasonable for you to expect xW to take care of the kids on schooldays and give you sole custody on all weekends? Are you surprised that she said no?

You keep stating you will no longer do things to make her life easy. I feel that on the contrary you are angry because she is not accommodating what will make your life easy. Who do you think a neutral observer is likely to think is being reasonable? The person moving away from the kids for a new relationship? The person who does not want to put in the effort to take care of the responsibilities that come with weekday custody?

Complaining about xW is not productive and a waste of energy. If you are unable to come to a mutual agreement with her, talk to your lawyer and work on getting a formal legal agreement. Don't be surprised if the legal agreement is not your liking, since it appears your expectations are not realistic.

This is not a competition between you and xW on who is doing more for the kids. As a parent, it is your duty to do what is best for the kids. If xW is lacking in something, it behooves you to try harder and make up for that to the best of your ability. If you both play the game of 'why should I do more when the other is not doing as much', it is your kids that will ultimately suffer. Your kids are blameless and are in this situation for no fault of theirs. Protect them and put their interests first, even if xW won't. You never know - perhaps seeing you do the right thing will motivate her to do more. Even if it doesn't your kids still benefit from your efforts.
Posted By: CWarrior Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/16/21 12:25 AM
Originally Posted by Steve_
I asked to her calm down, once again ask if her and I can talk to the children, work this out and not do all this. She said I will tell them you have PTSD and abused me and you were an alcoholic. Etc etc... she has really gone for the gold here. Fortunately this is all via text message. I called the L's office, she was not there. I asked her not to contact me unless it is productive and to please calm down and work with me for the sake of the children. She continues to threaten to use alleged events from years prior to gain custody, file restraining orders, and threaten my time with the kids.

While a tangent, I urge you to banish "calm down" from your list of replies to women. Although not the big issue, I suspect I'm not the only one cringing when they read that. It tends to be dismissive, belittling (instead of validating) her emotional reaction and ignoring the substance of her speech.
Posted By: BL42 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/16/21 01:11 AM
Steve_,
Originally Posted by BL42
Maybe I'm confused, but something isn't adding up...
Originally Posted by Steve_
She will have no choice but to go to her support system where I am moving (45) minutes from me or she will have to stay and move kids in with her and OM.
Originally Posted by may22
They'll have to be in the car for 1.5 plus additional hours per day? I'm super confused.

You're 45 minutes away (and with LA traffic, 45 minutes is like the time it will take to get from one neighborhood to the other) -- I'm guessing that during some times of the day you might be literally hours from your kids-- how are you going to pick them up and make sure they're okay?
Originally Posted by Steve_
Her and I agreed on moving to LA. That puts us 4 hours closer to both sets of grandparents, this her and I agreed on.
How can LA be 45 mins from you and also 4 hrs closer to both sets of grandparents? Exactly how far away is LA from where you, your kids, and your ExW currently live?

Simple question...how far is it (in miles and travel time) from where you are planning to move as compared to where you, XW, and kids currently live?

It's unclear to me how you moving 45 mins away can put you 4 hours closer to the grandparents, which makes me wonder if it's an even farther move than the general understanding on this thread.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/16/21 06:12 AM
Well to make things more clear. I have them weekends now, I get them Saturday late night through Tuesday evening. This was because she wanted the weekends with no kids, her being a bartender the weekends are her $. So I was having hopes that pulling back to Friday -Sunday would give me an opportunity to still have time with my kids weekly and not disrupt the school or other patterns of their life. I have 50/50 custody but she has always had more time with them. That’s been for this whole year.

I admit 100% I got off on the wrong foot with her, a lot has happened in this year of D process but never has she threatened to take my kids away and use nonsense to do so. That was always off limits. The arguing about that began just a couple days ago. Typically things were getting better. I finally spoke to her today. She stormed down to the lawyers office and demanded xyz. The attorney pretty much told her that she made her bed and she has to lay in it. Since I pay all my support and more, and I am active with my kids and want to continue to be she couldn’t really Just take them away. So she settled down.

Finally the issue surfaced. She is upset that she wants to move forward with OM and the kids are not on board here. When she left the M and moved the kids in 2 weeks later there was a lot of issues. My sons behavior got unpleasant toward her. And now that she wants to try to recon with OM and make everything honky dory she wants me to help essentially facilitate her R with om by asking my kids to be nice and not be angry with her and pretty much accept her choice. I have not said 1 word to OM for over a year. I haven’t asked my kids to rebel against thier R. But now she seems to be serious again and wants to settle with OM once again. So the threats came from her essentially saying “help me wrangle the kids to support my R or I will make your life hard”

I told her well that sort of comes with the territory of what her and OM did. But I will talk to the kids and I will try to help her get the children in a nuestros
State. I asked her to do the co parenting classes and to work on stability for the kids. Her on again off again R with OM is creating a lot of strife. She agreed and apologized. I talked to her about finances. I said if I work my 3 shifts (12’s) tues weds thurs and get he kids after school fri and brine them back Monday if that would work. She agreed and said she would work with that. I don’t hold much hope without in writing, but it seems things settled down. I want to try to work with what I can, but she is real stubborn on having the weekends off so she can work those days. I feel like as long as I stay calm, say less and refuse to argue things will be ok.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/16/21 06:16 AM
My big mistake here is riding the emotional rollercoaster. I thought I was doing good, but I’m still on it. I gave up recon and saving my M but I give her too much power. I react to all this stuff I shouldn’t. That I see I still need to work on. Sorry for the typos above my phone is being uncooperative today.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/16/21 06:24 AM
And BL42

Where we all planned to move she would be max 45 mins and both sets if grandparents would be 4 hours not 7.5 but that isn’t happening now that she wants to recon with OM and stay here. This is what created this whole issue. Otherwise we been fine for months and on the same page about leaving. Now it’s her planting feet with OM and fighting anyone who says anything. Obviously now I have to pull back and re evaluate the sitch. I may not be able to go anywhere for a long time. Which [censored] but what can I do?
Posted By: may22 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/16/21 07:49 AM
Hi Steve,

So you're not moving any more?
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/16/21 12:31 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
I wanted to talk to her today like an adult about potentially just taking the kids 3 days a week. (its what I do now anyhow) but I would pick them up friday after school and return them sunday night. This means I would not be interfering with the kids school and I will have them fri night-sun night Every week. (yeah not gonna happen now, she has gone ballistic).

Right now I have them saturday late at night until tuesday evening. Well, my kids went back to her today and my son is having some ill will toward her. He is unhappy about the fighting, he has heard they way she talks (we been in the car when i've answered phone calls) and he is aware she has moved back in with OM. He has over heard her and I arguing about her taking the custody away from me and me responding to her threats. I do this outside with my patio door shut but he has overheard and last week when she was physically there he heard her yelling at me in the parking lot.

I am admit that I need to stop engaging with her, I have to just let it slide and not let the threats get my goat, but these things regarding custody have really bothered me. My kids got involved in the back and forth and I know that is not good. I asked her if she would be willing to go to coparenting classes and sit down with the kids or the family and even the L and work this out, things are getting out of hand.

She decided to tell me she is at the L's office and is demanding that I pay her $800 that I havent paid the last 2 months since we agreed to cut the support back a little. (I dont legally have to pay anything until the order is completed and Ive paid over $13,000 just to be supportive). So that is not really cool, the next thing is her saying I am filing a restraining order on you because you threatened me and my kids and I will message your *&%(^ girlfriend and tell her to stay the F away from my kids enjoy your life good bye.

I asked to her calm down, once again ask if her and I can talk to the children, work this out and not do all this. She said I will tell them you have PTSD and abused me and you were an alcoholic. Etc etc... she has really gone for the gold here. Fortunately this is all via text message. I called the L's office, she was not there. I asked her not to contact me unless it is productive and to please calm down and work with me for the sake of the children. She continues to threaten to use alleged events from years prior to gain custody, file restraining orders, and threaten my time with the kids.

I know I need to keep the kids out of our arguing, I should have done a better job. She has become enraged at how my son is acting toward her because of the threats she is making. He is scared she is going to take my custody away. I told him that is not going to happen.

Something needs to give before this mess becomes a permanent effect on the kids more so than it has. I feel like I want to really push for this coparenting class and get the L to mediate the custody issue. My deciding to move has not occured yet, and wont occur for like 7 months, yet she is making these threats now. Telling the children and her family I am abandoning them and etc.. the petty fighting and threats are really the issue. I gotta stop this before it gets worse. Later she sends me a picture of the attorney's office door telling me to "call her bluff" I was hoping this would not come to this but clearly it has. I see myself in court a lot in the future, and my R with the girlfriend dissapearing as well because of this.

Steve_ I feel for your kids. No way should they in anyway be involved in all of this drama. Please do a better job at shielding them on your end. You have no control over hers.

Steve_, this is pretty common WW stuff here. You had the privilege of having mb post in your threads. The dude had a pretty epic WW. She made all kinds of similar threats to him. Even though she was the one that walked away, cheated, and made the choice to destroy the family.

Steve_ I do not mean to beat a dead horse, but this is another reason dating prior to the D being finalized is a bad idea. She is going to use your GF against you in anyway that she can! The judge will see two people that despite having kids have moved on with other people. The judge cannot believe anything either of you say. Her accusations will sound as true or false as yours will. When she claims abuse, and cheating, you will turn around and accuse the same thing. The judge will not be able to believe that you were faithful, after all you have a GF! At a minimum, the judge will now question just how important your kids are in your life.

Water under the bridge. I wish mb would come back to help you. He instituted some pretty good measures. He limited the communication she had with him so that there was a written record. One of the general rules is to limit all communication to between your lawyers, and through email. IF she approaches you at kid hand offs you record the interaction. Make sure she is aware you are recording because in many places secretly recording someone is illegal. Keep kids hand offs as clean and simple as possible. Meeting at a public place, where you do not have to interact at all if possible is the best thing. Instituting hand offs like this will limit your liability of claims she might make in more private settings (like your inlaws house!). Protect yourself.

And make sure you have a really good lawyer!
Posted By: BL42 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/16/21 12:57 PM
Originally Posted by SteveLW
He limited the communication she had with him so that there was a written record. One of the general rules is to limit all communication to between your lawyers, and through email.
Working out logistics through email as opposed to via phone will help in a several ways: 1) it will create a documented record of what you two agreed upon as opposed to he said / she said, 2) it will probably lead to less escalation of emotions than a verbal conversation would and even if it doesn't it's easier to target your response to the "business" items and ignore the emotional portion, and 3) it will eliminate the possibility of your kids overhearing the arguments you're having via phone and keep them more insulated from the arguments.

Working 100% through a L would be even better in that regard, but it does have the downside of being quite expensive and can also take much longer (there are now two intermediaries involve with varying schedules and responsiveness).

Originally Posted by SteveLW
IF she approaches you at kid hand offs you record the interaction. Make sure she is aware you are recording because in many places secretly recording someone is illegal.
Look up the laws in your state about recording communications. My state is a one-party consent state meaning In mine it's perfectly legal to record without telling the other person assuming you're a party to the conversation. In other states notification of both parties is required.

Originally Posted by SteveLW
And make sure you have a really good lawyer!
^Yep
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/16/21 06:14 PM
Yep, I am aware of the laws here in the state, I looked them up for a refresher to be sure.

I cannot record her its a 2 party state. Its not admissible and actually is punishable to do so. I asked her to communicate only via text message, which are admissable here in CA. That way there is no verbal arguing. The fact that we have both moved on in R's hers right away and mine much later is irrelevant here in CA. The judge doesnt care nor wants to hear it unless there is abuse or crime going on where the children are living. And since they live with me/the grandparents there is no issue for the court to intervene on.

The EW backed off and has been neutral once the L shot her list of threats/demands down. The L knows me, her, the family and even her affair partner (OM). So he was able to talk some sense into her. She has not communicated with me sense. She did offer to work with me on the scheduling if I still do plan on moving, but I told her simply (thats in around 6-7 months, who knows by then what could change, lets just focus on getting past this) she agreed and the issue was squashed for now. I feel like keeping minimal contact as I have been will be the best bet. I dont even see her much when I get the kids its from her parents, I have only been around her about twice in the last 2 months and that was for like 1-2 minutes. Usually its a "hows it goin, how you doin, sounds good, see ya" type of thing. The real issue here was my S being mad that she went back to OM and her guilt about it with him, she expects me to control his emotions toward OM. I only offered to talk to him and help him through this, she thanked me and that was it.

We have him in soccer now, we split the cost of his equipment, his first game is saturday, I took him to practice this past tuesday he is getting really good at it and enjoys it quite a bit. And my little boy loves sunday school. Things were actually really getting bright up until the OM issue. I feel like with some time and going the way I was going and just praying about it, things will get better. I havent had an issue with EW for like 3 months and I will keep texts/emails, I also admonished her that I will keep all those for court purposes, but I feel like this was a temporary emotion blast from her. One I shouldnt have reacted to so angrily and should have seen coming, but is what it is, I learned a lot on this one.

I really appreciate the advice and following the sitch everyone.

And may, I am not sure about moving anymore, if the EW isnt willing I dont think it will be possible.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/16/21 06:50 PM
Steve, I believe you can still record as long as you tell you that you are. She can decide not to consent to it by leaving.
Posted By: CWarrior Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/16/21 09:49 PM
Steve is on the money. CA is focused on preventing sneaky recordings in private settings. In public settings, recording is fair game. In private settings, think "This call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes." or a voicemail's "<beep>".
Posted By: CWarrior Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/17/21 03:38 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
My big mistake here is riding the emotional rollercoaster. I thought I was doing good, but I’m still on it. I gave up recon and saving my M but I give her too much power. I react to all this stuff I shouldn’t. That I see I still need to work on.
Steve_, I don't think that is the take-away. A key act in this "drama" was when you made an unreasonable request, she said no, and you wouldn't accept her no. Accept what she controls, and drop any scheming to undermine that (e.g., "Maybe we can sit down with the kids and decide") or manipulate her ("OM she’s with lost his kids due to a domestic violence charge a couple months ago", "the children missed 80% of class on her days."). If these allegations are true, raise them now. I get you may be afraid to because she could raise your issues. Don't be afraid. If the issues she's raising are valid, address them. If you don't have PTSD she won't have much luck proving you do. Her choices are as valid as yours.

Instead of: "I give her too much power." => "Recognize where she has power and where I have power." Divorce separates out your respective powers. Less needs to be agreed upon.
Posted By: CWarrior Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/17/21 04:55 PM
Originally Posted by CWarrior
While a tangent, I urge you to banish "calm down" from your list of replies to women. Although not the big issue, I suspect I'm not the only one cringing when they read that. It tends to be dismissive, belittling (instead of validating) her emotional reaction and ignoring the substance of her speech.

Originally Posted by Steve_
I also admonished her that I will keep all those for court purposes, but I feel like this was a temporary emotion blast from her.

Can you see the similarity between my description of "calm down", and calling her communication a "temporary emotion blast"? I am glad you two have stopped arguing and you've indicated you're rethinking moving. Props--staying, instead of plotting how to best move, would be huge for the kids. Hopefully, your GF will consider moving for you, and if not, women (or men) aren't in short supply.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/25/21 08:25 PM
Well things have settled down,

Just had my son's birthday this week. He is now 8. He is a great kid, I went over to EW/IL's house and brought them Ice cream. The EW was decent, her and I discussed being good to one another and taking care of each other with the kids at the table together. We each apologized to one another for arguing and told the kids we would do our best to be friendly and support one another. (I dont believe it but the kids needed to hear that, just stop the tension and keep it away from them from now on if and when it flares up).

As I was leaving OM pulled up, I havent seen him since we went camping together in august of last year, just before EW took off with him at nights for a month then BD and moved out. It was interesting to say the least. He had a look on his face of confusion/scared/uneasiness. I just strolled up to him and shook his hand. He looked surprised and smiled. I said "Good to see you again, its been a long time" he said yea, its good to see you Steve, you look great man. Kept the weight down even got a little bigger muscularly. I joked and said "well Divorce is great for weight loss" he replied with a laugh. I told him and EW as we stood out in the driveway "I guess none of this went down the way we planned did it? I know its been hard for us all" OM agreed, he had this residual look of being tired and looking defeated on his face. He mentioned he has to pay $4,000/mo in support and alimony and his EW is cleaning him out. I shrugged and said yeah, I bet its tough man. I then said "I just want you guys to be happy and the kids most importantly, I told him You dont have to worry about me, I was pretty upset in the beginning but its been some time and im okay, I wish you guys well" He thanked me and asked if I was doing okay, he asked if my girlfriend is doing well, I told him she is, and shook his hand once more, he said "I still dont know why she left you, you are such a good guy" and he shrugged and said, "see you around bro" (its a foreign thing) and I got in my car and went home.

It was unexpected to meet OM face to face, but I actually left happy, and im glad I did. That man looks exhausted, I hope my EW treats him better than she did me, (doubtful) but I will pray for them. And the man if nothing else is a good father so at least I have that, he isnt on drugs he has a good career, it could be way worse. Otherwise the kids are doing great, work is going great, and I have been doing the keto diet for 3 weeks and lost another 12 pounds. I invited my GF to a birthday party with my coworkers, they adored her. She really is such a sweet gal and really down to earth.

I thank god everyday for things turning out better than I expected them to. But I stay prepared for that to change. And I document everything.
Posted By: CWarrior Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/25/21 08:58 PM
Originally Posted by "Steve_"
OM she’s with lost his kids due to a domestic violence charge a couple months ago
Originally Posted by "Steve_"
the man if nothing else is a good father so at least I have that
Steve_, a week ago you said OM lost his kids due to domestic violence charges only two months ago and you wanted to raise that to the court--a week later he's a good father? I'm glad you're in a good mood, your co-workers approve of your girlfriend, and you've stopped arguing in front of the kids.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/25/21 09:12 PM
Turns out Cwarrior that his EW had her brother hit her in the face and give her a shiner. She called the cops, he got arrested. But the case was dismissed after he was able to prove he was not anywhere near her. And he has his kids back on weekends now.

He had to file a restraining order on her brothers because they had been following him around threatening him for awhile. His ex is the definition of scorned. His D wont be done for a very long time. He apparently tried to file D a few years back and his W pulled some crazy then and he backed down. Somehow my EW convinced him she was worth it all...lol
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/25/21 09:20 PM
I have a feeling EW and OM will crash and fallout again, there is too much drama going on for those two. But thats not my problem, that is theirs. Either way me and the kids will be fine and that's all i need to worry about.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/25/21 10:36 PM
Steve_, good to see you doing so well! Keep up the good work.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/26/21 03:27 PM
So the EW settled down a lot after things with her OM and I were patched up. (Tbh I couldn’t care less bout him, I’m thankful for that dude and I feel bad for him tbh).

Anyhow I am packing up my apartment, the EW is gonna (officially) move back In with OM. I’m going to go stay with the IL’s for a couple months and really save some $ and pay some things off. They are happy about it because I’ll get to see my kids every single day and also they are taking more and more trips out to AZ where they will be moving to within a year or so. This way the grandparents don’t have to deal with the stress of watching these kids all the time and I get them every day. Not to mention I will be able to really erase some debt and save some money in the next couple months.

The IL’s Even started going to the same church I do. I go at 9 with the kids and they go at 11. But it’s been great. I had to hang in there that things would get better, believe in it and pray for it and so far things are really turning around. I won’t live in la la land and I’ll keep ready to document anything that goes sideways but for now things are finally looking up and moving on.
Posted By: BL42 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/26/21 04:11 PM
Steve_,

Glad things are looking up. I'm big into personal finance and like the "erase debt and save money? mantra! However...what does "IL" stand for? If it's in-laws, do you really want to move in with with ExW's parents? That seems potentially uncomfortable and maybe a way to keep Ex on the hook?
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/28/21 07:29 PM
Oh as far as that is concerned the IL's are super supportive of me, they have been through this whole thing. Once the Ex moved out the FIL sort of mentioned he would appreciate if I would come back and help with the kids and the electric bill until they moved out of state, he knows maintaining my own place on my own income is tough and its hard to save much extra so it works out great. I get to see my kids every day, save money, pay off things and help them out with their power bill. They have been spending more and more time in the new home, they have completed it and just are waiting for the right time to finally move away.

As far as the ex is concered there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I will EVER consider recon with her. After this past year of healing from this, realizing I deserve better, and being active with god so much more there is just no way I could ever go backward. I really cannot ever see a happy and fulfilling life with her.

Yesterday I went to the IL's for my sons birthday party she threw for him to help bring over pizzas and clean the pool and stuff for my son's buddies. I saw all the families we used to hang out with 2 years ago before covid. Almost all of them gave me a knowing kinda nod and were really nice. My sons soccer coach told me "I dont know the story, but I know the facts, if you need anything let me know bro, I can pick him up or anything If mom doesnt bring him to practice/games" I thanked him. The EW was neutral, mostly pleasant, the day was easy.

I went to a church after work to talk to a pastor about where I stand with god post-divorce. I told him the ex's affairs began 9months after we got married and she left this time for good. I asked him also because I wanted to know if my only shot at being married in a church and having that family and dream I wanted all these years was kinda blown now. The pastor mentioned that mostly catholic churches are the ones that dont allow it. But he told me based on what happened that as far as scripture that once adultery is commited the marriage is nullified in gods eyes regardless of the legal standpoint. He told me that he would me more than willing to give me counseling and if the time ever came to marry me to someone (in the church) he told me that although hanging in there and trying to reconcile for years after the 1st affair was never neccesary to fullfill my vows that god would bless me for not giving up and that even if I cant get that time back he will bless me in the future for hanging in there. It felt really good, I started to feel like "damaged goods" being divorced, that was a huge weight off my back and I felt a lot better about my future going forward.

Otherwise things are looking great! Kids are happy life is alright
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/29/21 03:29 AM
Living with the ex-in-laws is not a great idea Steve. Think it through. And I'm not saying they aren't great folks either.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/29/21 02:16 PM
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Living with the ex-in-laws is not a great idea Steve. Think it through. And I'm not saying they aren't great folks either.

This * infinity.

Moving back in with them is a huge step backwards. No matter how you rationalize it.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/30/21 05:43 PM
I can understand you guys point of view here. During the M the EW and I stayed with them for a couple years off and on. They have a huge house, includes seperate living rooms and bathrooms etc.
The EW will be completely gone and moved out and she will just be coming by to pick them up, even better if I am not home when she does it I get to interact with her 0%. My kids will be staying there full-time as EW doesnt want them to move in with OM and her yet so that means I get to see them daily. And if things get shaky or dont work out I have several friends who offered me to stay with them for a little while until I can save the money up for a little nicer bigger place than I had. The place I was in was pretty small and it was where EW and OM moved to and I was just wanting to go elsewhere.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/30/21 06:01 PM
An update on other things:

Work is going great, doing 6 days a week, I drop my kids off to school head into work then leave work and pick them up and take them home, since we are so short staffed they dont mind and the extra income is a blessing.

Church going well, my GF and I exchange sermons with each other from our churches we attend and talk about them later, it really helps us get to know each other's values and so on.

My daughter was refusing to work on her writing, getting frustrated about it, today she got an award for making so much progress, she has been writing really well! Going back to actual school has been great for her. My son continues to go to soccer and he really enjoys it, while I have them out there at practice my D gets to play on the playground, its really nice.

My EW discussed enrolling them both in Jiu-Jitsu, they went with a cousin for a day to try it out and LOVED it. She told me she will use some of the CS I pay for that its $200 a month for the both of them.

My GF mentioned to me the other day she would consider moving over here if that came down to making the R work out. But for now we are staying that distance apart and working on ourselves. She is going to take me deep-sea fishing for my birthday next week, I have never been. Going to spend a couple days with her.

Called the L to check the progess of the D, covid has slowed everything down to a snail pace. But the default judgment is entered, I am legally divorced, I have only to wait the several months for the rubber stamp and filing and so forth. I cant get remarried until then (which is absolutely fine lol). They can take thier time with that. The L also told me since he represented both of us if she wanted to change terms on me she would need a new L and a whole new 5,000$ plus retainer and would have to wait until the judgment was stamped, so there is literally jack squat she can do. He reccomended I just chuckle and hang up and dont sweat it.

Life is going well, things will always have ups and downs but Im okay with that and because of God, friends, family and people like you guys to help with some guard rails (I know ive been stubborn but I have gradually gotten better) I look forward to a bright future and realize its totally possible, it wont be easy but I feel like I can get there!
Posted By: MLCxH Re: Steve_ Moving on - 09/30/21 06:57 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
Called the L to check the progess of the D, covid has slowed everything down to a snail pace. But the default judgment is entered, I am legally divorced, I have only to wait the several months for the rubber stamp and filing and so forth.

This is great since it will allow you to look ahead without drama and distractions.


Great to hear things are good overall. Keep moving forward!
Posted By: JosephS Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/01/21 12:46 AM
Sorry COVID is causing a delay. For me it thankfully didn’t affect it. 3 weeks after everything was signed I got the official stamp.

I would caution you, your ex may use the fact you are at her family’s house to ensure unnecessary contact, drama and continued nonsense. Especially when she is bored, lonely, or her boyfriend doesn’t live up to expectations.
Posted By: CWarrior Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/01/21 04:33 PM
Yes, it's interesting you left your apartment to avoid the drama of your XW seeing you regularly, but living in your XW's family home opens you up to her drama in other ways. I wonder what you are saving money for. Saving money can be a great thing. I hope your next update you're still chill about XW and sticking by wherever your kids live. Fingers crossed.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/01/21 08:25 PM
Yeah I understand there is a potential for drama, but if that happens I can just split to elsewhere, I keep a couple spots in my back pocket.

As far as she is concerned my mind makes very little room for her. She is in Cancun with her BF right now, I just texted her "Have a safe trip, yall have fun" that was it. I took the day off tomorrow so I could watch the kids, I also am glad I did cause my son has his second team soccer game and I wasn't able to go to the first one so that will be awesome. I made up the hours ahead of the week this time.

The L comforted me so well about her being unable to really do anything to me since she signed the agreement and as long as I hold up my end there isn't jack squat she can legally do. Unless I get arrested or win the lottery it stands.

As far as saving money its to move later. Into a nicer place that is 3 bedrooms, I was in a 2 bedroom and my son being 8 and D being 6 they kind of want thier own space. I figure for a couple hundred dollars more I could do that, but I needed to pull out of that spot to save up a new deposit and etc.
Also for my birthday coming up I am getting some tattoo work. I had the EW name in her native language on my forearm with a symbol and some other things. (I know stupid) But I have an amazing artist appointment coming up Monday, he is going to do a nice coverup for me. it wont be cheap but I want it gone.
Posted By: OnlyBent Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/01/21 09:36 PM
Hey Steve, how much would the tattoo money help getting into the 3 beddy sooner?
Posted By: CWarrior Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/01/21 10:38 PM
Hi Steve_, the legal advice you got sounds incomplete. Child custody percentages and child support may be renegotiated until your kids complete school, and petitioning for a change doesn't require anything as grand as a felony or winning the lotto. That's because the court's interests are to ensure the children are provided for. Note, I'm not a lawyer and this doesn't constitute legal advice.

Given the dubious advice I was curious how you found an attorney--

Originally Posted by Steve_
My WW got the lawyer when OM got his lawyer.

The L also told me since he represented both of us if she wanted to change terms on me she would need a new L and a whole new 5,000$ plus retainer and would have to wait until the judgment was stamped, so there is literally jack squat she can do.

The L comforted me so well about her being unable to really do anything to me since she signed the agreement and as long as I hold up my end there isn't jack squat she can legally do. Unless I get arrested or win the lottery it stands.

I'm skeptical this attorney legally represented your WW and now legally represents both of you. That would normally be considered a conflict of interest. You might double-check. Also, procuring a new attorney doesn't require a $5,000 retainer. Plenty make do with $500 or $2000. I believe your state also provides free resources. If a change is warranted expect it to happen.
Posted By: BL42 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/02/21 02:44 AM
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Hey Steve, how much would the tattoo money help getting into the 3 beddy sooner?
I'm not a tattoo guy and don't know how much they cost, but I'd definitely put the priority on getting out of the Ex-InLaws place and into my own before any ink work.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi Steve_, the legal advice you got sounds incomplete.
Originally Posted by Steve_
The L also told me since he represented both of us...
I'm skeptical this attorney legally represented your WW and now legally represents both of you. That would normally be considered a conflict of interest. You might double-check.
I share CWarrior's skepticism. Isn't it a major ethical violation to represent opposing parties in a matter? When I contact my attorney's firm about the affair/potential separation/D my L's paralegal ran a conflict of interest check on me to ensure they hadn't already met with now-ExW/then-W before L would even do an initial consult with me. That's actually how she realized (months later) I had already met with an attorney...she contacted my L's firm for a consult and they wouldn't meet with her.
Posted By: OnlyBent Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/02/21 03:04 AM
Agreed BL, I would be putting every cent into saving for that 3 beddy place. I bet it would improve Steve’s confidence and self-esteem being able to provide tha my place for his kids.

I don’t want tattoos but I’m not against them particularly on other people. Each to their own, but you don’t put stickers on a Ferrari!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/02/21 12:24 PM
I should probably keep my mouth shut, but none of this makes sense .

Moving to escape the drama of your ex by moving into her parents house? This is just baffles me. Your ex will come and go as she pleases in her parents house. It sounds like you are placing yourself smack dab into the middle of drama. Literally inserting yourself into it.

A shared attorney for a divorce and custody? That’s a conflict of interest if I ever heard of one totally unethical. And totally not smart!

And needing money for the deposit on your apartment , yet you are getting an expensive tattoo? Live free off your inlaws, move your kids a few extra times so you can get a tattoo? I have tattoos and I know that one is likely a large portion of the deposit you need for your apartment.

You actually on impulse and in the moment. Moving hours away, then telling your ex to move hours away, now this week, she’s too close, so you gotta move in with the in laws and right this moment the kids need an extra bedroom? You are also still keeping yourself enmeshed. Living with her parents? Calling her to wish her a nice trip in Mexico? Come on dude.

Slow down and make smart decisions! Think then through! You really need to adult up and provide some stability for you and your kids and totally unmesh yourself from your ex. I mean, is your GF going to come visit you at your ex In laws house?

Slow down, be smart, prioritize, and think long term
Posted By: ovrrnbw Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/02/21 08:57 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
Yeah I understand there is a potential for drama, but if that happens I can just split to elsewhere, I keep a couple spots in my back pocket.

As far as she is concerned my mind makes very little room for her. She is in Cancun with her BF right now, I just texted her "Have a safe trip, yall have fun" that was it. I took the day off tomorrow so I could watch the kids, I also am glad I did cause my son has his second team soccer game and I wasn't able to go to the first one so that will be awesome. I made up the hours ahead of the week this time.

The L comforted me so well about her being unable to really do anything to me since she signed the agreement and as long as I hold up my end there isn't jack squat she can legally do. Unless I get arrested or win the lottery it stands.

As far as saving money its to move later. Into a nicer place that is 3 bedrooms, I was in a 2 bedroom and my son being 8 and D being 6 they kind of want thier own space. I figure for a couple hundred dollars more I could do that, but I needed to pull out of that spot to save up a new deposit and etc.
Also for my birthday coming up I am getting some tattoo work. I had the EW name in her native language on my forearm with a symbol and some other things. (I know stupid) But I have an amazing artist appointment coming up Monday, he is going to do a nice coverup for me. it wont be cheap but I want it gone.
I had to share a room with my twin brother even though we lived in a 4 bedroom house growing up. And my mom grew in a 900 sq ft house as one of 5 girls with only one bathroom. So if you want the path to sainthood as a dad, try that (haha)!

And I would definitely be getting that tattoo fixed too.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/04/21 10:23 AM
Yeah this getting the tattoo fixed is important to me. It’s her name, it needs to go.

I didn’t call her to tell her to have a good trip, it was just a text. There has been a couple exchanges due to my son losing a tooth and being excited and etc. Just remaining pleasant. The EW can come and go sure, so can I. And the fact I’m working 5-6 days a week mostly 12 hour shifts I won’t be having time to see her around anyways. She works nights late night so the amount of time for her to be around to mess with me is very limited. 90% of the time she is at work when I get off. So only her days off she may come around, doesn’t mean I need to be there. I got plenty else to do, gym, Bible study, walk, etc…

An attorney can represent both clients in a matter that is uncontested. Essentially I am (pro-persona) or not represented, and she is. But since the L advised both of us as a mediator and he is prepared her suit against me he cannot represent her in a new case to sue to change the agreement he mediated (that would be a conflict of interest). To get a new L to redo the entire settlement agreement will cost her a minimum of $1500 to retain around here. They know it’s a lot of court time and meeting with family law people involved. To do this over will run her at least what it cost the first time. And she got lucky this L doesn’t bill hourly or when you call etc. He is a stand up guy. But until this settlement and action has been completed she cannot start a new one. She could only petition for emergency support but that would be dumb of her since it will be less than what I give now.

Yeah I’m not gonna have my GF come and visit me there lol. I’m saying max I’ll be there is 90-120 days. With all the hours im gonna do they will fly by. If I want to see my GF I’ll just go over to where she is. The EW is living with her BF now so I don’t think we will have much of an issue, she wants to keep the peace to make her R and life easier as well. I am not living on emotion, or ridiculously. I am placing a high level of faith that things will get better, taking some big adjustments to do so and putting forth decency, understanding and love.

Yeah what happened was horrible, wrong and disgusting. But because of creating these two people we are stuck being family of some kind. There is no reason I shouldn’t give a shot to putting down the weapons of anger and resentment and just putting forward positivity and willingness to heal this wound and move forward.

I am prepared to do this the hard way, and to leave at a moments notice if I need, I’m bringing next to nothing with me. I am ready for this to go either way. But I want to at least try to put down the groundwork for everyone to be able to find happiness and move on. I pray that it works. Sometimes you have to a crazy level of faith that it will workout. Sometimes creating a big change takes bold action. Sitting here living in the same complex for another year, working the same job, maintaining the same sitch will not create any positive change that I need. This may not either but it’s taking an action to put myself into the drivers seat of my future, many decisions got made for me this past year, this time I make them for myself better or worse I’m ready to handle whatever comes my way.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/04/21 12:57 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
But I want to at least try to put down the groundwork for everyone to be able to find happiness and move on.
Steve this is very mature and I am sure this is what the good lord would want you to do. I have a friend who is really close with his exw and I dated a girl who was very friendly with her exh. I guess I have a hard time understanding why you have to move out of the complex and into your in-laws house to accomplish nirvana? Seems odd but you know me I am always skeptical.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/20/21 11:05 PM
So an update for those interested.

Been going to church on sundays with my kids, my son really loves it. He went to the adult worship with me this past sunday just "to see what we do down there" instead of the sunday school classes/groups, he liked it.

I had a parent teacher conference for the kids I went with EW, it went well, my daughter is doing really great, the covid/divorce was affecting her attitude and doing school online with zoom. Her teacher told us she is by far the most improved student, I see my little girl's writing and its such a great thing!

My son is getting perfect grades, he is his classes most academically proficient kid. He is a little rowdy on the playground but he is an 8 year old boy. Im okay with that, he doesnt bully or anything and enjoys soccer, he is on the schools soccer team.

I sat down last night with OM. I had to take the kids over there since the EW was at work and her parents are over in AZ for a week spending time in thier future home. I sat with OM and he poured me a drink and we just let it out. I told him how I felt betrayed and pissed for a long time, he told me he understood and apoloigized, he also told me how horrible his EW was. I didnt know but she really did a number on this guy. She took him for over $50,000. I warned him to make sure he stands up for himself with my EW otherwise she will run him over for being too nice. He agreed and said thats why they had issues but he is working on it. He told me that he tries to keep her levelheaded and tells her to let me be and to be nice to me, I know he does. I told him I appreciate that. And we agreed that sometimes god just doesnt have that marriage in his plan for you, no matter how hard you try. He said "im sorry bro but if it wasnt me it would have been someone else" I told him its okay I understand that he was right and that I am really happy now with my GF. My goal is to marry this girl someday and have that solid faithful partner that I wanted to be with and just have a simple life. He encouraged me to do it and told me "you deserve that you are good man"

We talked a little about his religious beliefs he used to follow the church back home overseas but since has given up on it, he felt his life had gone too wrong and lost his faith. I told him that its important to me and to my kids and I hope he respects that and he told me absolutely and of course I will.

Things with the GF are going well, its been about 8 months now, Im going to meet her parents next month, The children absolutely adore her and she loves them. They have met up a couple times with me went out for pizza or to something simple.

Oh and the VA hospital called me for an interview monday, I went yesterday and met with the nursing directors and did a panel interview, it went REALLY good. I feel like I will get it, Ive been trying for 2 years. That means my 10 years of active duty military retirement wont go to waste and Ill have great healthcare for my kids. Im praying for that.

Otherwise things are good, not easy and Im struggling a little to catch up financially on some things but I got a great plan and things are moving along. I let my GF know it is gonna take me awhile to get things ironed out but she told me "dont worry about having anything" she said "I love you for who you are, if you take that job at the VA you will lose money but its selfless to serve the veterans, and she added that I was more than enough for her". Its tough because we are still 4 hours apart, but I have made plans to visit her at least every other week.

The next thing to consider is how to make my LDR not an LDR. But I know in time god will provide us a way to work this out, hes done so much for me already.

Thanks for all the advice you guys gave me. I didnt do it perfect but it worked out. I mainly used that in my new R to stand up for myself and know my value. I am 100000% happier in this new R and its for the simplest reasons.

Will update again if things change.

Thanks again <3
Posted By: OnlyBent Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/20/21 11:38 PM
Hey Steve, sounds like you’re in a good place.

When people say their exes are horrible I’m always interested in what the exes would say about them. I had a thought the other day that rather than meeting OM, it would be easier to just ask OM’s XW about anything to worry about.

What’s LDR?
Posted By: BL42 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/21/21 01:08 AM
Steve_,

Great update about the kids with church and school. Glad things are going well there.

Seems like that talk with OM would've been super awkward. I can't imagine doing that in my sitch anyway. Hopefully it help you.

Good luck with the VA job...hope you get it.

I wonder with the GF if it's only been 8 months and she lives 4hours away is it smart to get the kids involved with her yet?
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/21/21 01:24 AM
Honestly it wasn’t that bad, I’m 100% over the ex. So it didn’t bother me much. I’m glad I did it.

LDR= long distance relationship.

And BL42 I has considered that. I know some here would say to wait a year or etc, but for me it is simple. I know this woman is the one I want, I have just a feeling that I have tried to shake, it hasn’t been easy, our situation is difficult but we stuck together and she is the kind of person that I want to be with. That part I got figured out. But the long distance for all this time is killing us, we are okay but it gets old. I wanted to make plans to close the gap, move closer to her or have her move here or what have you as long as my children will be 100% okay. But I’m not going to put that effort into changing Jobs, cities, custody arrangements, or having her leave her family, school and job to come here if we don’t even know how the kids are going to respond to her.

It was hard to begin to plan that for our lives without knowing the most important piece (the kids) and how they feel. And I wanted to see if she would be able to handle them being around them. So far it’s been good she took them out for pizza and we went to church together once. The kids love her and she really loves them as well. So far so good. She fears the possible “your not my mom” gonna come out of my D’s mouth if she gets punished. But I’m way ahead of that and I am building a slowly going little by little connection between them over time and with the distance it allows for all this to trickle kittle by little. They are not so attached they will be destroyed if we don’t work out, but they get to warm up to her little by little. And she to them as well. So I was okay with the time frame here. It’s not like I tossed them into living with some woman. My plan is to make this long distance go away some how by the first couple months of the new year. In the mean time I’m working on my career and also bonding things with everyone and mending fences with the EW and OM so we all work together for the kids and we can all have want we want for our own lives.


I hope that makes sense to you. smile
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/21/21 01:28 AM
Sometimes it’s hard I admit to not want this to be easy, but something just pulls me and says it will be worth it. And I’m willing to do the work this time. I’m on my purpose, I’m on my mission nobody will tell me no or you cannot do it. I cannot be pushed off. I deserve to be happy to have my ideal simple life and I will work to get it. God willing it will be with this woman. But we shall see. I don’t force anything I don’t pray about first. If a door closes I leave it alone. But so far things have gotten a lot better for me. And I feel like I am where I am supposed to be with who I’m supposed to be with.

If not that’s okay, I can do anything and no matter what I will be alright.
Posted By: CWarrior Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/21/21 01:32 AM
Originally Posted by Steve
"I told him its okay I understand that he was right (that if it wasn't him it would have been someone else)"
Originally Posted by BL42
Seems like that talk with OM would've been super awkward. I can't imagine doing that in my sitch anyway. Hopefully it help you.
Steve's relationship with OM is unique. If I recall correctly, he was previously Steve's best friend and part of his circle of military buddies. The first time OM betrayed Steve and slept with his wife, Steve and OM attempted to resume a friendship. That may be what's going on again. Personally, I would not want to be friends with someone who betrayed me like that.

Steve, I'm glad you're happy. You first mentioned considering dating this new girl in May--five months ago. You told your kids about her almost immediately, and five months later they "adore" her. Do consider less of her for your kids. If you ever peek at my thread, you'll know I've been on a wild ride dating. Two months in, my kids don't even know I'm dating. As for the kids don't great in school, that's wonderful! And I'm so happy to hear about this new job. Hope things stay on a positive trajectory.

The elephant in the room--I hope leaving the kids to live with GF is no longer in your thoughts. I know it's hard to be separate from someone you love and want to be with.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/21/21 02:33 AM
Cwarrior couple things,

He was not in the military and I only knew him a couple months before they got together. We were just casual friends. If he was a military buddy I would have beat his ass.

And my GF and I began talking in March. So the timeline is close but for me I need to know these things are compatible before I make choices that can effect my kids/life/job etc. I cannot waste a year or more dating someone LDR then finding out kids ain’t gonna work. The fact my children saw my relationship with mom cause so much pain the fact that I am happy with someone who treats me really well is the main reason why they love her. They ask about her all the time. She asks about them, she has a photo with my D making a face as her screensaver not even her and I lol. I know that there are times you must be careful, but there is also times you have to have faith in where you are and trust his plan. I have turned things around and picked my life off the floor and she was there for me. She is honest, dependable and faithful. And in 2021 that is becoming rare. Sure this may not work out and I get that if anyone does I lived a life of disappointment but I also am not going to let an opportunity to have the life I want pass me by because I’m too Afraid to get hurt.


My kids will always be a priority and loved anything else we have including my GF is extra to our lives.
Posted By: Mumin Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/21/21 05:57 AM
Hey Steve,
so glad things are going well for you, I really am!!

Just one thing I wanted to comment on.
Quote
I also am not going to let an opportunity to have the life I want pass me by because I’m too Afraid to get hurt.
I think most ppl are telling you to think extra about this because your kids might get hurt, not you.
Posted By: Gigi123 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/21/21 09:57 AM
Steve, great update.

Just a note of caution with kids and gf, this is from personal experience.
Kids really liked OW and loved going to picnics and outings with her and H, until she moved in….and now they are very much of an opinion that she needs to go back where she came from.
Im not saying this will happen to you, but the whole kids adore her worries me in general.

My kids have knows Ow for over 18 months now and they would he quiet happy not to see her again.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/21/21 03:48 PM
I agree with you guys I gotta tread carefully.

I also think that the kids will definitely feed off the vibes from the parents and partners. My kids HATED OM when they were moved in there. Now I dropped them off to him a little bit before my EW got off work. He and I sat and talked about the mandatory vaccines and stuff and Just how the world is getting crazy for a minute then I left. He takes time to play games with the kids, he asks them about their day and they have let go of the anger toward him regarding the D because I have asked them to. They are happy. So it can for sure go either way.

Some will also be on my gf’s temperance and patience especially when she doesn’t have her own kids. But I have faith in her, she is a good woman and I feel like with time and for how greatful my the distance it will allow them to slowly build a bond. And if things don’t work out I feel like the kids will be upset but they will Understand. They are sharp little ones. I just keep doing what I feel like I should be doing and praying for the best. But I am really careful about how I do this because I can’t undo mistakes with the little ones.

Thanks for the feedback everyone <3
Posted By: job Re: Steve_ Moving on - 10/21/21 11:23 PM
Please start a new thread and link them both together.
Posted By: Kind18 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 11/03/21 02:19 AM
You want a real 2x4?

I think at best, you are a troll who likes winding up LBS on this website and gets some sick sense of satisfaction that people are trying to help and you’re stringing us all along.

Worst case, you have very serious mental health issues and you believe all the BS you write.

In 500 posts, every time you’ve been called out on something, you say “yeah, but” or “I only did that because”

You seem to have zero ability to ever admit you made a mistake. You will go to extraordinary lengths to justify shitty behaviour and manipulation of your ex. You play victim and paint her as a manipulative puppet master, but you are no different.

If you keep telling yourself you’re a victim of her, nothing will ever change.

I see an eventual train wreck with your new relationship, but you simply can’t be told. What upsets me the most, is what it will do to your children.

I wish your children good luck … because they’re going to need it.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Moving on - 11/03/21 10:23 AM
Kind18 with an uppercut. Down goes Steve!
Posted By: job Re: Steve_ Moving on - 11/03/21 02:34 PM
Start a new thread. You are over the 100 posting/reply limit.
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