Previous Thread: One foot in front of the otherSummary so far: H asked for a D and after I kicked him out I discovered he was having an affair with an ex-GF. From my previous summary, not much has really changed in my situation other than I am moving forward towards the big D. H has been living at home in the basement but also away at times, of which I suspect with the AP/OW. He seems to be sure that he wants to move on and hasn't shown any change. I have accepted that I do not like or trust the person he is right now. In fact, I wonder if he was ever the person I thought he was. It appears he is weak and lacks true character. But after reading about emotionally unavailable people, I wonder if these behaviors are his walls he puts up. I am not really sure what to think about him. But he isn't a good person right now, and that is what matters as he may never be the person I cared about again. I had tried to stand for him, but I don't feel I can anymore. And, financially I need to protect myself as he continues to spend money and he is hiding things from me that affect me financially. He has agreed to sign an agreement for some funds he has spent, but I've not received that yet. Either way, I've been making preparations towards the D process and am in discussion with a lawyer.
Friend and Family: Everyone is still in shock and it doesn't sound like he's been communicating with many of our friends and family at all. He's sort of off in his own la la land and is avoiding anyone who questions what he is doing. Step-son is still coming over, and I've made accommodations to have him in my temporary place, meanwhile his D (my H) is looking at jobs in other places and not even considering how this impacts his son. At least until he goes off to college.
My emotional state: I'm all over the place. Some days I feel very empowered and other days down in the dumps. I think the limbo of the situation has affected me, but also, I'm ready to get it over with (rip the bandaid off the wound); I feel it will allow me to put the full focus on myself, heal and move forward. I am doing a lot of GAL things, taking a financial course, getting my life organized, relaxing and spending time with friends, and doing self care. I do get numb on occasion and sometimes still depressed, but generally I feel empowered and people tell me I am doing pretty well. I try to embrace all the feelings as I don't want to ignore them. I'm also starting to journal and hoping that will help me. I'm still looking into a new person to see for counseling too, as I feel that will be important. I actually have a lot going on and trying to juggle it all.
I guess that is all I can think of to put on here today to start this new thread.
El
Sounds like you are making wise decisions.
I sure hope so. Spoke to L yesterday and we will be moving things along. I am also getting myself ready to move out of the home in the next month so that it can go up for sale.
Last trip away, H did not communicate with me at all. This time, he's reached out almost once per day. I try not to compare or think too much of his behavior, but it sure is confusing. Trying to do my best to keep focusing on me. Started to get organized, creating task lists, and getting things in order for my life and to keep my stress as low as possible.
El
I sure hope so. Spoke to L yesterday and we will be moving things along. I am also getting myself ready to move out of the home in the next month so that it can go up for sale.
Last trip away, H did not communicate with me at all. This time, he's reached out almost once per day. I try not to compare or think too much of his behavior, but it sure is confusing. Trying to do my best to keep focusing on me. Started to get organized, creating task lists, and getting things in order for my life and to keep my stress as low as possible.
El
I compare dealing with a WAS/WS like trying to pattern deer for hunting. Just when you think you have them patterned, they change behavior. Trying to make sense or reconcile the WAS/WS behavior will drive you batty.
Last trip away, H did not communicate with me at all. This time, he's reached out almost once per day. I try not to compare or think too much of his behavior, but it sure is confusing.
Don't let it confuse you. He has separation anxiety and you don't want to ease that for him. That is why NC is so important.
Hello Elbereth
Yeah, our emotional state is all over the place for a while. The seemingly endless limbo and that weird numbness from indifference are not permanent. They wax and wane, as does our depression as we progress towards understanding and acceptance.
It is good you are not working to ignore any of your feelings. That is precisely how one embraces their emotions, acknowledging them and allowing them to be felt.
In fact, I wonder if he was ever the person I thought he was.
Tread gently and do not go to far down this path. You know your history, do not rewrite it. We have an amazing capacity to reason and create. It is completely normal to question the person H has become, to wonder if he maybe he was all along. It matters not. He is who he is currently. And he was different before.
It appears he is weak and lacks true character. But after reading about emotionally unavailable people, I wonder if these behaviors are his walls he puts up. I am not really sure what to think about him.
It takes time to find one’s understanding and rationalizing of the events that have befallen us and our spouse. Answers are coming, in time.
But he isn't a good person right now, and that is what matters as he may never be the person I cared about again. I had tried to stand for him, but I don't feel I can anymore.
“But” usually leads some form of justification. Please consider the following:
“But he isn't a good person...” - H is not a bad person. Sure, he is exhibiting bad behaviour and poor choices, yet he is not a bad person. See the sinner and the sin as two separate items, for they are. You can and should place boundaries on sinful or disrespectful behaviours. It is completely fine to protect one’s self, and hold others properly accountable.
The path of Grace you are hopefully seeking is love the sinner and forgive the sin.
The usual dogma is love/forgive the sinner and hate the sin. That is not compassion and is definitely not Grace. It keeps the forgiver in a place of higher moral position. True forgiveness is a non-transactional exchange; the sinner does not need to perform anything to earn your forgiveness.
Grace, and the acts it inspire, seem a risky venture. Grace has no immediate return, nor promise of any. People, society, see and are programmed to conduct transactionally and therefore shy away from Grace. Yet, an act of Grace is wondrous and powerful. Unconditional love and forgiving is often the very act that encourages and draws the sinner to repent.
“...right now, and that is what matters as he may never be the person I cared about again.” - You hit the nail of the head and I think you don’t realize it. H is who he is right now. He was a different person, someone you cared about. Will he be this way from now on, or will he return, or someone in between, or worse, or better. I do not know. No one can predict the future. What matters is not who H becomes, it’s who you become.
“I had tried to stand for him, but I don't feel I can anymore.” - We all start out standing for our spouse. We gain wisdom and realize we must stand for ourselves.
I understand and empathize with your feelings. Can you guess what I’m about to affirm? Feelings are fleeting. They flit when not reinforced. Do not make life decisions based upon feelings. You are right, you feel like you cannot stand anymore, especially if you are just standing for H. What do you believe? Deep down. Your convictions. Are you happy with them? Proud of them? Inspired by them?
Stand for you. Because you are worth it!!! Believe that.
The path is counterintuitive. It will feel wrong. It will seem wrong. Right up until it isn’t. Beliefs affect and influence all aspects of our lives - love, hate, compassion, Grace, forgiveness, judging, and so on. Strengthen, craft, alter, and discard as necessary to become.
Focus on you and continue your fine inner reflection and work. Never lose sight that you are a wonderful soul. And do choose the path of Grace when you can, for its blessings are many. (((Hugs)))
D
I compare dealing with a WAS/WS like trying to pattern deer for hunting. Just when you think you have them patterned, they change behavior. Trying to make sense or reconcile the WAS/WS behavior will drive you batty.
Don't let it confuse you. He has separation anxiety and you don't want to ease that for him. That is why NC is so important.
So true. I was ill yesterday and in bed most of the day. H showed more concern than usual...and at one point it came out why. He was concerned that his being here in the home is what was causing me to stay in bed all day. I wanted to say that it isn't that he is here, but yes, his blowing up my life does affect my health. But I didn't want to engage with that conversation. It would lead to R talks. Maybe a part of me is dreading all the packing and preparations I need to do even if some other part of me is so ready to get on with it. My digestion is messed up, I've had strange rashes, and then headaches and migraines. So even if I am functioning and acting strong and doing self-care, my body is still acknowledging that what I am going through is hard and stressful. So hard to get where his head is at and I know not to try to make sense of it, but it still bugs me.
“...right now, and that is what matters as he may never be the person I cared about again.” - You hit the nail of the head and I think you don’t realize it. H is who he is right now. He was a different person, someone you cared about. Will he be this way from now on, or will he return, or someone in between, or worse, or better. I do not know. No one can predict the future. What matters is not who H becomes, it’s who you become.
“I had tried to stand for him, but I don't feel I can anymore.” - We all start out standing for our spouse. We gain wisdom and realize we must stand for ourselves.
I understand and empathize with your feelings. Can you guess what I’m about to affirm? Feelings are fleeting. They flit when not reinforced. Do not make life decisions based upon feelings. You are right, you feel like you cannot stand anymore, especially if you are just standing for H. What do you believe? Deep down. Your convictions. Are you happy with them? Proud of them? Inspired by them?
Stand for you. Because you are worth it!!! Believe that.
The path is counterintuitive. It will feel wrong. It will seem wrong. Right up until it isn’t. Beliefs affect and influence all aspects of our lives - love, hate, compassion, Grace, forgiveness, judging, and so on. Strengthen, craft, alter, and discard as necessary to become.
Focus on you and continue your fine inner reflection and work. Never lose sight that you are a wonderful soul. And do choose the path of Grace when you can, for its blessings are many. (((Hugs)))
Yes, yes. I'm doing my best to do this. I am proud of putting myself first. I am doing my best to stand for me now. Well, I better get some packing done today if I am moving out in 4 weeks or so...
Thanks friends for listening and for your support.
El.
So true. I was ill yesterday and in bed most of the day. H showed more concern than usual...and at one point it came out why. He was concerned that his being here in the home is what was causing me to stay in bed all day. I wanted to say that it isn't that he is here, but yes, his blowing up my life does affect my health. But I didn't want to engage with that conversation. It would lead to R talks. Maybe a part of me is dreading all the packing and preparations I need to do even if some other part of me is so ready to get on with it. My digestion is messed up, I've had strange rashes, and then headaches and migraines. So even if I am functioning and acting strong and doing self-care, my body is still acknowledging that what I am going through is hard and stressful. So hard to get where his head is at and I know not to try to make sense of it, but it still bugs me.
Stress has a negative impact on health and I am glad you brought all of this up. This is another reason I am such a stickler for the LBS getting into IC. To work through all of this, to help manage the stress, to have an outlet where they can address issues and concerns. We have one poster here that had such a strong reaction to her husband cheating on and leaving her that she started to lose handfuls of hair....and yet still refused to get IC.
This forum is great. I loved it from the moment I discovered it a few weeks into my sitch. But this forum is no substitute for IC.
Yeah, I agree and do need to start IC again...
Another issue plaguing me is my family guilting me as to why I am not talking to them about my situation or making time for them even if I am not wanting to do that in the moment. I know they love me and want to help, but he truth is they don't help (at least in their advice). They don't know or understand what I am going through. I don't want to talk to them about it. I want them to understand the boundaries I am setting as I'm trying to do what is best for me and my mental health right now. Making them feel better and them getting what they want from me isn't helping me. It helps them fill a need THEY have that isn't my responsibility. But I can't get them to understand my feelings or accept the boundaries I am trying to set. So then things escalate as they pile on more guilt, and I end up feeling more stressed out than I did before I spoke to them. If I avoid them, I feel even worse. If I give in I feel worse. I can't win.
I've put everyone else first in my life, and now that I am trying to put myself first, they struggle with my choices and make stronger demands. It's exhausting, and I really don't want to feel the burden of their feelings on top of my own right now. Has anyone else had this happen to them? How did you handle it?
Yea, I need IC again...I'd hope to find someone specific I could feel is what I am looking for, but I just might have to do a few more BetterHelp sessions as a holdover of finding the right one.
On another note, I mentioned to my H what happened and how frustrated I was yesterday, and he got all emotional about how he does't want to hurt me and such...it was really odd. He even started to cry. He brought up the agreement and how it uses words that describe using funds outside of our marriage and I reminded him that this is what has happened. It's like he's in denial about it but also feels bad about it. But I'm not believing what I see. He's been lying to me and hiding funds and other things, and I don't want his emotions to alter the fact that I am trying to protect myself from him as well by moving forward on the D.
I just have such a jumble of emotions right now....
El
Just a small update.
H signed the agreement for some of the funds he used towards his affair. Now onto the big D.
Progress.
El
Another issue plaguing me is my family guilting me as to why I am not talking to them about my situation.. I don't want to talk to them about it. It helps them fill a need THEY have that isn't my responsibility. But I can't get them to understand my feelings or accept the boundaries I am trying to set.
Elbereth, that sounds really frustrating, that your family is adding to your stress instead of giving you some calm. I assume there's love and compassion there--mixed in with curiosity and a desire to gossip--have you been as direct with them as you are with us--"It's a rough situation. I have a therapist. What would really help, is a break from thinking about it. Could we talk about something else?" I REALLY appreciated the one mutual friend of my ex-GF and I who never once brought up the breakup in our times together.
Yea, I need IC again...I'd hope to find someone specific I could feel is what I am looking for, but I just might have to do a few more BetterHelp sessions as a holdover of finding the right one.
There are good therapists online, charging a fraction of their in-office rates. If the initial ones they offer do not have strong Yelp reviews for their in-person practices, ask for more options. Sites like that generally charge you the same whether they match you with a 5-star or 3-star therapist so be sure you get their best. (:
Just a small update.
H signed the agreement for some of the funds he used towards his affair. Now onto the big D.
Progress.
El
Definite progress. ((Hugs))
Another issue plaguing me is my family guilting me as to why I am not talking to them about my situation.. I don't want to talk to them about it. It helps them fill a need THEY have that isn't my responsibility. But I can't get them to understand my feelings or accept the boundaries I am trying to set.
Elbereth, that sounds really frustrating, that your family is adding to your stress instead of giving you some calm. I assume there's love and compassion there--mixed in with curiosity and a desire to gossip--have you been as direct with them as you are with us--"It's a rough situation. I have a therapist. What would really help, is a break from thinking about it. Could we talk about something else?" I REALLY appreciated the one mutual friend of my ex-GF and I who never once brought up the breakup in our times together.
Yes, it's coming from love and the desire to help (and I'm sure some curiousity). I think they struggle because they want to help me but they can't. They have never experienced anything like what I am going through. Plus, it only makes them hate my H more (which concerns me...as we share kids and he will be in my life). I don't want that drama either. So I keep what I say to the minimum. I think it's hardest for my mother. I think her feeling helpless is what is driving her behavior and the guilt she throws at me. I've done exactly what you have said. However, I did also ask that we avoid negative conversations in general (such as family drama, etc) on top of not discussing my situation. Keep things light and positive and focus on happy things. It's a stressful time, so it's been hard for them to try to not pull me into their dramas too. And my mom is a loving person but not a happy one, so she is used to using me to vent (but never do anything for her situation) and I just can't take that burden on right now. I tried and it just bleeds me dry with frustration and worry for her when I can barely deal with my own situation. And she lives in another state, so talking is the only way we can connect or she can support me. So that I think has her feeling desperate. Some family members keep asking questions but have been better about the boundaries I'm setting. Some others have dropped off the face of the planet.
Setting boundaries has been an issue for me in the past. I've been working on that and I know that it's hard to enforce new boundaries with people that were not used to being given any from me in the past. But the guilt trips are the worst. And mother/daughter ones are quite nuclear. I sometimes just wish I could skip this whole period in my life and be past it all in already. It's hard enough with the pandemic, the affair, the medical issues I had, job insecurity....it's just so hard. But I know I will make it through. I do. I just wish it wasn't soooo hard.
Yeah, agreement is signed. Now H wanted me to just sign and file the D petition. I told him that I didn't want this. You file it, then we will work through the property stuff. Me with my lawyer, not him. He still doesn't understand why I need a lawyer and I had to remind him that I don't trust him. I was calm, I was nice about it, I assured him that my goal is not to destroy him, but I'm not going to hold his hand and help him do his part. I'm working on what I think the results should be with my lawyer. It amazes me when things are said like "we needed this" or "we both were unhappy"...he keeps thinking I had a choice in any of this. He's off with the unicorns and fairies again... Why don't we have emoji's for unicorns and fairies on this forum?
El.
Hello El
These situations hurt and affect more than just the immediate spouse and kids. Parents, family members, friends, and such all will react depending upon their views and character. And as you said, many have not experienced something like this and therefore are proceeding blindly. This is both good and bad news.
The bad news is as you stated, they look to you and ask you questions. This is obviously, to those of us who have travelled this path, an incredible increase in your already overworked emotions and stress.
The good news is, they look to you and ask you questions. Huh? No DnJ has not hit his head.
You are in the rare position to be a beacon, a lighthouse. Those that love you want to help and have no idea how. It falls to you to explain, and there are ways to do just that, while limiting your stress and frustration.
It's exhausting, and I really don't want to feel the burden of their feelings on top of my own right now. Has anyone else had this happen to them? How did you handle it?
Tell friends and family what you need. Be clear with actual doable things. For example, when my W went spectacularly off the rails, most everyone was mad and angry at her. Understandable, she did just throw away her children and husband and family and friends and shacked up with another man. She exhibited so many odd and irrational behaviours. I told my parents and my support group of friends, that I was standing for, and want to stand for, my marriage. I explained what that meant, and asked them to support me. Even if they didn’t understand. Asked them, that there will be times when I falter, am so very unsure, and want to quit - to encourage me to continue.
I didn’t really understand the wisdom I was wielding at the time, I was just following the counterintuitive advice of the wise folks around here. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was a beacon, and lit the way for many - friends, parents, kids, family - to come to forgive, empathize, and understand XW’s strange behaviour. And of course my own path was likewise blessed.
I think it's hardest for my mother. I think her feeling helpless is what is driving her behavior and the guilt she throws at me. I've done exactly what you have said. However, I did also ask that we avoid negative conversations in general (such as family drama, etc) on top of not discussing my situation. Keep things light and positive and focus on happy things.
Yes, it is hard on your Mom. Her daughter is hurting and she doesn’t know how or have anyway to take away the pain. You can help her and yourself by telling her certain clear requests.
I did also ask explain that we I need to avoid negative conversations...
Make your requests/boundaries clear. Politely tell her what you need, not ask her to not do something. Most people will step up rather quickly when given a choice and direction. Remember, she loves you and wants to help, she just doesn’t know how. Tell her/others what you need and they will rise to the occasion.
Some advice, do not avoid negative conversation or your situation, just limit negative conversations and discussions regarding your situation. It has to be discussed, and of course in a healthy and safe environment. Maybe something along the lines of: Mom, I am working my way through a really horrible situation. Most times I am not in a place to discuss it. However, there are moments, at some pretty odd times of the day, when I could really use someone to talk to. Will you be there for me? Can I reach out you went I need to?
El, this is hard. I remember how much I wanted to be passed all the emotional mess and stress too. (((Hugs))) You will make it, and be the better for it. Honest!
How do you handle it? Focus on you. Keep moving forward putting one foot in front of the other. Hey, I know a gal with a thread title like that... She’s pretty smart, strong, and stable. And she is waking her path just fine.
(psst, I’m talking about you)
D
They do indeed seem to think that consequences don't stick to them and that we are good with going along with their narrative and will also do all the work for them.
Good on you for sticking to your boundaries - it is indeed tough when people are used to walking all over you to suddenly find themselves tripping on them. I've had to deal with people who moved from being supportive to wanting to run my life for me and it was not fun or pretty at all.
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Thank you DnJ and AndrewP.
I did say specific ways they could support me while also saying specifically what wouldn’t help me. Yet still this is where they are.
All I can do as you’ve said is stick to my boundaries and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
El
An update. So H asked me to sign the papers for the divorce petition and I refused, because they contain some details on allocation stuff. I told him I won’t sign anything without my L. He got frustrated and said he really wanted to be fair and keep things civil. I said I agree, but I can’t trust you anymore so I’m using a lawyer. I told him that I’m not looking to be crazy and dramatic, but I am going to be sure I get what is fair. So now he has a lawyer and will be filing next week. Things are still civil and roommate friendly but I’m anxious to move out as I’m sure it’s going to be a wild ride the next few months.
Oddly, he’s been very emotional lately. I’ve seen him cry more than I ever have before. I’m not sure if he’s overwhelmed, feeling guilty or what. But he does seem to still want the D. So nothing has changed there. But with his history of depression I am concerned. He did try to commit suicide in the past. So I’ve reached out to his close friend from childhood to check in with him. I’ll talk to him this weekend. He’s been very caring and supportive towards both of us. I may have lost respect for my H but I don’t want him to fall into a pit of despair and do anything stupid either.
Financial course is coming to an end and I’m sad. It’s been very good for me even if I’m not ready to implement a lot yet until I know what is mine. But the course has been great and wonderful to bond with other ladies going through the same stuff. Started the journal but not good about doing it each day. For now I’m trying not to be hard on myself and just try to do it when I do it. I don’t need any hard and fast expectations right now.
Work is picking up, another side gig is in the works, starting to pack my thing, trying to make sure I do my self care, and D is starting. I’m juggling a lot. But I know this stress will pass. And not all of it is bad so I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for all of you too.
El
I would not recommend reaching out to his childhood friend. This will get back to stbxh and piss him off. You are operating under the “illusion of action”. Right now you should 100% focused on yourself.
Good Morning El
I told him I won’t sign anything without my L.
Good. Do not waiver on this.
He got frustrated and said he really wanted to be fair and keep things civil. I said I agree, but I can’t trust you anymore so I’m using a lawyer. I told him that I’m not looking to be crazy and dramatic, but I am going to be sure I get what is fair.
Frustration is pretty typical, their quick and easy 123 divorce fantasy hits legal reality.
Consider the strike through above. “I agree” and that’s it. No need to explain yourself or justify your actions to him.
Your reasoning is sound and proper. Yes, you cannot trust him, and you deserve what is fair. You’ve told him you are using a L, you’ve told him why, so going forward no need to explain that again.
I agree with LH, reaching out to STBXH’s childhood friend is not recommended. It places that friend in the middle of a situation they do not need or want to be involved in. If he is a good childhood friend he will be talking to H and already realize the emotional state H is within.
I do empathize with your feelings and concern regarding your wayward spouse. I was concerned about my XW as well, and in truth still am to some degree. There is little to nothing one can do. We cannot change their path. Try as one might, it just pushes them further and faster away. Let him go and focus upon you. Give him to God.
For your peace of mind, if a time comes when the threat of suicide reaches a truly severe level, contact the appropriate professional services.
Compassion has a component of detachment and indifference to it. As counterintuitive as that feels.
I’m glad your financial course was a success. Gaining knowledge and meeting other gals in similar situations; it’s good to see one isn’t alone in all this.
I agree with you about journaling. Do it when you do it. There’s no hard rules requiring daily entries.
A bit more work sounds interesting. Is this side gig a short term thing or more a permanent endeavour?
Take care El.
D
El, your strength is admirable. We see a lot of WASs that play nice to get their LBS to sign agreements that are unfavorable. So many LBSs fall for it thinking that it is the best way to win back their WAS. Good job on staying logical through the emotions.
I understand your concerns related to his capacity for self harm. But you also have to realize that it is out of your control. No matter who you call if he ends up wanting to commit suicide he will. You will not be to blame for that, he will. I've had suicide touch my own family in the past. The guilt those that are left behind feel is unfair to themselves. There is one person to blame for a suicide, the person committing it. (I'm sure there are those here who will take issue with this stance, save it. I don't care.)
Keep up the good work, El!
Hey Elbereth, haven't seen you update in a bit--would love to hear how you're doing. PS - Happy Mother's Day!
Hello all!
Thank you all for your opinions on contacting H's childhood friend. I can totally see where this could be problematic, but in my situation I felt it would work out ok. And it seems to have. H knows I have made effort to maintain all of our mutual relationships. And he has encouraged that I do. He is the one who has told his friend about the affair and all, and they are supporting both of us. In fact, he is very open with everyone that is more than an acquaintance about his affair. His friend asked for status of where things were because he wanted to know where his head was at. I told him without drama, anger or feelings, but stressing that I wanted H to have support if he was on the verge of a breakdown. I didn't ask for anything more. He did reach out my H (I only know they spoke because H mentioned speaking to him) but the friend didn't 'follow up' with me nor did I ask him too. The friend supports marriage and would love to see us reconcile, and he is also confused at H's behavior. Even though he doesn't agree with my H's behavior and thinks he's making a mistake, they are such close and old friends that he is going to support him regardless. And he (and his wife) are loving and supportive of me as well. H is still stressed but I think it helped as his mood has been lighter.
Thanks CWarrior for checking in on me...yes, I've been offline lately. There has been a lot going on and some of it is that I've just been thinking a lot. I've been served the D papers by H, and things have been friendly enough between us. He's still living in the home. He is applying for jobs elsewhere and he may be moving away soon. So he's pretty much changing everything in his life all at once. I've started to pack boxes and doing those sort of things to prepare for the move, but the lack of clarity on H's plans is making things complicated as he wants to stay in the house longer, but I want to take all the furniture he doesn't want but would need in the short term (but I don't want to hire movers twice). We are going to talk to some real estate agents and I'm hoping we can move out and they stage the house, so I can just do one move. I think this issue will work out, so I'm just packing the stuff that will be stored first...and will work my way to the critical stuff last. It's not like I have to leave by the end of the month, it's that I am ready to...but if it shifts a week or two, I do have the flexibility in my situation to do that. If I want too of course.
As for thinking a lot...well, it's interesting. I know everyone keeps telling me to not rewrite my history with my marriage but when I think about our lives together, I am starting to realize that our relationship was not what it should have been for what I feel marriage and partnership should be. I was listening to a few podcasts lately (one being Oprah's) and the idea of "the universe/God sends you whispers of things to pay attention too. If you ignore the whispers, you get a smack in the face, and if you ignore the smack in the face, you get the brick wall falling on top of you" or something along those lines. When I look at my marriage and our relationship, I do see whispers that I should have paid more attention too, I see that the whispers happened several times and many times I made other excuses for them. The universe even smacked me the face and I still pushed forward and made excuses. I'm loyal and committed and don't give up easily. Now, I see his affair as the brick wall falling on my head. It's as if the universe knew that I loved my H so much, and I would do so much based on my principles and personality, that it would take this 'brick wall falling on my head' to wake me up to the what the universe has been trying to tell me.
So I guess where my head is at the moment is that I realize that a part of me does deeply love my husband...but I honestly am not even sure that the man I am so in love with IS EVEN REAL or if he is the person I tried to believe he was. I think I saw him for someone better than he really is or just put too much focus on the good things about him and ignored the not so good behaviors. I settled for things I should not have settled for. I was a much better partner to him than he was to me. I've been told this even before the BD. He was more important to me than I was to him. Many of his actions provided these whispers. Over and over. And I made excuses for them. I'm seeing that now.
So, I've come to this place where I feel settled with what has happened and I am just wanting to put my energy into what it takes for me to be happy again. I've been doing a lot of that already, yes, but what I think has shifted is that emotionally, I feel like I've accepted it. Call it forgiveness if you want...but to me, it's I've accepted this is what has happened and I am better off moving on from it and putting all energy into my own happiness. Like the final thread tying me to him is broken. I'm not sure if that makes sense...as I do feel like I've already been at this point but it feels different to me now for some reason.
Anyway, I'm exhausted and need to get to sleep...but that's the scoop friends. I will catch up on all of your sitch's soon, as I also want to know where everyone is at and how everyone else is doing. Tonight, I'm just tired out. And I hope all the mothers out there had a lovely Mother's Day. I had a special one...thanks for the wishes! And thanks for all of your guidance and support too!
El
When I look at my marriage and our relationship, I do see whispers that I should have paid more attention too, I see that the whispers happened several times and many times I made other excuses for them.
I'm curious. What did those whispers look like?
I'm loyal and committed and don't give up easily.
I've realized I'm not as loyal as I once believed. I left my ex-wife, no effort on her part for 1.5yrs. I was close to leaving my ex-GF. I won't stick by someone 'til death do us part, only as long as they make an effort. I think that's a respectable level of loyalty that should make anyone who wants a life partner happy. "I do" to joining our lives thru good and bad, not being a doormat. (:
I realize that a part of me does deeply love my husband
I did some reflection along this path, too. Which ex's did I know well enough, and which ex's knew me well enough, for the love to be real? My conclusion, with help from a wise forum member, is that while we can never know another human completely, my feelings of love for each one was valid and real. My feelings even for dates I know only for a few hours are valid and real. It's okay to love someone and realize they aren't a good fit for our lives.
I am just wanting to put my energy into what it takes for me to be happy again. I've been doing a lot of that already, yes, but what I think has shifted is that emotionally, I feel like I've accepted it. Call it forgiveness if you want...but to me, it's I've accepted this is what has happened and I am better off moving on from it and putting all energy into my own happiness.
That's fantastic!
. I will catch up on all of your sitch's soon, Tonight, I'm just tired out.
Listen to your body! Sending friendly love your way.
As for thinking a lot...well, it's interesting. I know everyone keeps telling me to not rewrite my history with my marriage but when I think about our lives together, I am starting to realize that our relationship was not what it should have been for what I feel marriage and partnership should be. I was listening to a few podcasts lately (one being Oprah's) and the idea of "the universe/God sends you whispers of things to pay attention too. If you ignore the whispers, you get a smack in the face, and if you ignore the smack in the face, you get the brick wall falling on top of you" or something along those lines. When I look at my marriage and our relationship, I do see whispers that I should have paid more attention too, I see that the whispers happened several times and many times I made other excuses for them. The universe even smacked me the face and I still pushed forward and made excuses. I'm loyal and committed and don't give up easily. Now, I see his affair as the brick wall falling on my head. It's as if the universe knew that I loved my H so much, and I would do so much based on my principles and personality, that it would take this 'brick wall falling on my head' to wake me up to the what the universe has been trying to tell me.
Thanks for writing this El, it has made me think a lot too. I can recognise now that since BD I had been guilty of rewriting history with a rose coloured tint, just as STBXW was doing the opposite...the truth is somewhere in the middle. Like you, I am realising that my M wasn't where it should have been and I was sent whispers, which I ignored. I also ignored the smacks in the face until the brick wall fell on top of me.
I guess the positive for all of us (hopefully) is that we learn to never ignore the whispers, because at this stage its not too late to fix things. Thanks for helping me see this. I hope you're still dealing with things ok, you're doing pretty well El.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
When I look at my marriage and our relationship, I do see whispers that I should have paid more attention too, I see that the whispers happened several times and many times I made other excuses for them.
I'm curious. What did those whispers look like?
It's hard to express this without specific details being up here for all to see...but let's just say that there were times that he definitely showed me little or no respect, forgetting important details or dates he should know, not noticing things that he should, taking more than giving, putting me last, gaslighting, gifts that were way off, etc. Or even behaviors he did to other people around me...that I thought, that isn't so good. Things that hurt my feelings and didn't change even when I brought them to his attention.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I'm loyal and committed and don't give up easily.
I've realized I'm not as loyal as I once believed. I left my ex-wife, no effort on her part for 1.5yrs. I was close to leaving my ex-GF. I won't stick by someone 'til death do us part, only as long as they make an effort. I think that's a respectable level of loyalty that should make anyone who wants a life partner happy. "I do" to joining our lives thru good and bad, not being a doormat. (:
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I realize that a part of me does deeply love my husband
I did some reflection along this path, too. Which ex's did I know well enough, and which ex's knew me well enough, for the love to be real? My conclusion, with help from a wise forum member, is that while we can never know another human completely, my feelings of love for each one was valid and real. My feelings even for dates I know only for a few hours are valid and real. It's okay to love someone and realize they aren't a good fit for our lives.
I think I have put too much effort into relationships because of the principles I have, but I am beginning to think that I take it too far...and keep doing it when my partners are not making the effort. Something I need to work on... And, when it comes to love, my feelings for him were/are real. I am realizing that I can love him and know that he's either changed, was never the person I thought he was, or just isn't a good fit for me anymore.
I agree with you OnlyBent...our relationships are not all they appear to be if we only focus on the good things. Paying attention to the bad things, the red flags, the whispers are important too...even if we figure it out too late. I say that because the knowledge we've gained will hopefully help us to be better and find better in our futures. And to listen to our gut instincts more!
I'm doing okay... My financial course has ended and this month will be a lot of transition. But I am motivated to see what is next for me and trying to not focus on what I am losing. I'm hoping there is more to be gained in the future and I know I can only control my way of moving towards that.
El
Good Morning El
I think I have put too much effort into relationships because of the principles I have, but I am beginning to think that I take it too far...and keep doing it when my partners are not making the effort. Something I need to work on...
We hold to our principles because of who we are. Hold to those values and convictions for you. Or alter them, for you. Not because your partner wasn’t making the effort.
Its part of strengthening our beliefs that serve us, altering/creating those that we aspire to, and discarding those that do not serve us.
I know everyone keeps telling me to not rewrite my history with my marriage but when I think about our lives together, I am starting to realize that our relationship was not what it should have been for what I feel marriage and partnership should be.
Please be careful, that ^^^ is how one rewrites their history. We all, at first, are looking through rose coloured glasses; amplifying the positive events and traits. As we remove those glasses we similarly amplify the negative. Both situations are us justifying our feelings and thoughts, which unrecognized can lead to you unwittingly altering your values.
Feelings are fleeting. Do not make life decisions or changes in who you are based upon them. Look to your principles and convictions.
It takes time to just see your history simply as it was. And an interesting observation: The rosy events and the less so rosy events, are real. Neither is incorrect. Both are part of your history. See it simply as it was. Accept it as it was.
It takes a bit of stretch to accept one’s history without rationalizing it along the way. Thing is, we need to gather both sides and the middle to be able to see, understand, and rationalize well. That, is the heart of the caution of not rewriting one’s history.
Also marriage is different than a relationship. A bit of an excerpt from a previous post of mine.
Marriage. That formal union of two people. The taking of a relationship to the next and highest level. Why get married?
Most people get married for love. They are in love and therefore get married. But why? You already have the love. What does marriage do? Why do you need to get married? You already have the love.
People marry for love. They should and need to marry the person, not the love. Love is the icing on the cake; it is not the cake.
A marriage should be based upon a solid respectful relationship, which both parties want to, and vow to, upon hold and strengthen.
Love is a thing. Marrying for love is no better than marrying for money. Marry the person not the thing. Vow to the person not the feelings you have.
That distinction, I believe, allows people to weather the storms of life. Love ebbs and flow, has its up and down, yet the person remains. Marry the person. (This is some of the reason I am where I am. Have the beliefs I do. Make the choices I do.)
I'm doing okay... My financial course has ended and this month will be a lot of transition. But I am motivated to see what is next for me and trying to not focus on what I am losing. I'm hoping there is more to be gained in the future and I know I can only control my way of moving towards that.
The next month or two will be busy and full of change. It is hard not to reflect on what we lose. Yet, you wisely see your hopeful future and your control thereof. Yes, there are much positive gains ahead for you my friend.
D
Please be careful, that ^^^ is how one rewrites their history. We all, at first, are looking through rose coloured glasses; amplifying the positive events and traits. As we remove those glasses we similarly amplify the negative. Both situations are us justifying our feelings and thoughts, which unrecognized can lead to you unwittingly altering your values.
Feelings are fleeting. Do not make life decisions or changes in who you are based upon them. Look to your principles and convictions.
It takes time to just see your history simply as it was. And an interesting observation: The rosy events and the less so rosy events, are real. Neither is incorrect. Both are part of your history. See it simply as it was. Accept it as it was.
It takes a bit of stretch to accept one’s history without rationalizing it along the way. Thing is, we need to gather both sides and the middle to be able to see, understand, and rationalize well. That, is the heart of the caution of not rewriting one’s history.
I know, I know...but honestly, I am a very logical and rational person. I know I am not just rewriting my history because I was hurt. I have known for a while some of the flaws in character that my H has. I loved him regardless. But in this time of stepping back emotionally from him and really growing and learning and exploring, I am looking back and realizing that there really was more bad than good in my relationship, at least for the last few years... Yes, I loved him and I wanted it to work, and I did a lot of trying. It's hard to deny that I was not a priority when I have done as much as I have done for my H with his baggage, his depression, his personality, etc. and as soon as I become ill and need support and ask for help, he gets angry and ditches me for another woman. Yes, I do feel that he is in MLC. But I do also realize he's a very selfish and weak person, who takes more than he gives, and cannot handle difficulties, etc. There are many examples of things that if I listed them all out here you would all say...oh, okay, I get it. He's a great guy but a not so great husband.
So, yes, I can go on and on and on about all the things about him that I loved and the parts of him that were amazing. Those were there too. But the truth is, the parts that were missing are important parts. Respect, selflessness, integrity, support and more. I mean, all the books and marriage programs I've been doing and reading discuss how to have a successful marriage, and with this new knowledge I have begun to see flaws more clearly. Sure, things could turn around. But I am not sure he wants to do the work. He's said so himself to me and to others that 'he just doesn't have it in him to work on our marriage'...so that alone says to me that he doesn't even share my principles about marriage and the commitment around it. But he didn't come across this way when we met or when we discussed marriage. He really was good at having me believe we were really aligned. But in hindsight, with the new knowledge I have gained over the last six months, I realize it wasn't as rosy as I thought it was. I was blinded by my love for him. So I really do not see it as emotionally rewriting my history. I really feel that it's a very rational woman learning and growing and connecting the dots of all that she has learned that has changed her opinion of her marriage. It's knowledge, not feelings that is driving these revelations.
Yes, it hurts. Deeply. I truly loved this man. I believed he was a different person than who he has shown himself to be in our marriage and with his affair. Maybe I was manipulated. Maybe I was blind. Maybe I just saw things through rose colored glasses. Honestly, in having no support (and even more pressure) when I felt my worst and needed him the most was a pretty big wakeup call to something being really wrong in the marriage. All the learning is validating and bringing to light more evidence of serious flaws that need to be acknowledged and not ignored.
I feel sad but empowered. Disappointed too. How could I not be? Honestly, facing these things has helped me to drop the emotional rope and detach, because I am doing it on logic and not feelings. I hope that makes sense?
Thank you so much for your perspective. It really does help me to dig deep and say "uh, yeah, I think I am not just rewriting my history on feelings". That is golden.
El
Yes, it hurts. Deeply. I truly loved this man. I believed he was a different person than who he has shown himself to be in our marriage and with his affair. Maybe I was manipulated. Maybe I was blind. Maybe I just saw things through rose colored glasses. Honestly, in having no support (and even more pressure) when I felt my worst and needed him the most was a pretty big wakeup call to something being really wrong in the marriage. All the learning is validating and bringing to light more evidence of serious flaws that need to be acknowledged and not ignored.
I'm sorry you've had to go through this, Elbereth, I love how much thought you're putting into the distinction between re-writing history and seeing history more objectively.
Good Morning El
I feel sad but empowered. Disappointed too. How could I not be? Honestly, facing these things has helped me to drop the emotional rope and detach, because I am doing it on logic and not feelings. I hope that makes sense?
Totally makes sense.
I do see you as a logical and rational person. Such traits help with detachment, letting go, and seeing clearly, and being accurate. You are doing excellent, IMO.
So, realizing the valid and temporary reality of feelings, and the logical rational view of intellect, what about your beliefs? Those principles and convictions one stands for. Are they seen clearly? Accurately? Do they align with your intellect? With your emotions? Or does your intellect and emotions need to alter a bit to align with your convictions? Maybe a bit of both?
Beliefs, those deep convictions and values, are somewhat akin to feelings. Beliefs, like emotions, exist outside of intellect; and are not directly controlled, again similar to a feeling. However, unlike feelings, beliefs are slow to change.
For a while we are attached and dragged around by our emotions. Then we follow logic and reason and detach, let go, and find indifference, as well as quite a bit of peace. Honestly, finding detachment is the single best item on a new LBS’s to do list.
It is perfectly normal and healthy to be focused intellectually for a while, even a good long while. After getting our logical views organized, one turns towards their beliefs. This will happen quite unintentionally if one is not aware. As one gain more and more acceptance, their indifference rolls back and one’s feelings and emotions return. As well as other “feelings”, which are actually one’s deeply held values.
Our peace from our intellect may be interrupted as contrary values and deeply held convictions slowly emerge. And other values will reinforce our peace and world view, being more aligned with our intellect and logic. It is pretty amazing what one holds dear and believes after a lifetime of experiences, bias, prejudices, and such. Letting go, fear, ego, and so on are some of the trials of this time.
Strengthen those beliefs that serve you. Alter those that need altering. Discard ones that do not serve you or are undesirable. Create new beliefs which you aspire to and want to achieve.
Peace and contentment comes from following our beliefs. Beliefs that we have intellectually strengthened and crafted. Morals, ethics, compassion, forgiveness, empathy, understanding, and such are reflections and expressions of your deep self. Alter that which you need, for that which you are not proud or happy about.
Our beliefs, our spiritual path, influences and reinforces our intellectual and emotions paths. And those influence and reinforce each other, as well as our beliefs. It is such an interesting web.
We only control our intellect. And life’s true contentment comes from following our beliefs, and having emotions that reinforce the same. Having that skein sorted with all paths aligned, is a pretty nice place to be.
Keep walking the path, you are doing great. From one very logical and rational person to another.
D
Hello DnJ,
By beliefs haven't changed. I still feel that M is a serious commitment and with my principles, I struggle with the D and leaving the MR without doing everything in my power to work through it. But it takes two to work through it. I tried to do what I could from my side, but I alone cannot save our MR. I put out there that I wanted to reconcile, etc. H refused. And I now require financial protection. So, I am getting the D. He may never come out of MLC. He may have always had these character flaws that I have come to recognize. I committed to a marriage, a partnership. He ended that partnership, not me. I am not required to stay even if I took the partnership seriously.
Yes, I married this man and I expected forever. But I can't make that happen, and being alone waiting for it to happen is also not going to help it happen. So I am going to move on, for me. I know that is different than what some people feel. My deep self tells me that I did more in this relationship than I should have. I sacrificed a lot. I put up a lot. I did a lot more of the heavy lifting. I was the partner that really put effort in. I wasn't perfect, but I sure tried to make the marriage a strong one. So for me, I am not sacrificing some side of myself with my decisions. I know how hard I tried. Staying in a relationship where I continue to be less important, respected, cared for, is not what I chose for myself. I feel I am too valuable of a person to do that.
Still have a lot of work to do, but I am feeling contentment with my choices. Even if they are hard and I am sad. I have hope for the future. My future.
El
General status update...
My H has accepted a new job and is moving to another state within a month. All while I am moving out and we are moving forward on the D process and selling our home. I'll be moving to my temporary home over the next couple of weeks. SS18 is planning to attend college in a town nearby, and I will have a place for him with me if he wants to be until the fall when he leaves. H has had very little time to S18. He's a sensitive boy and I know he is trying to be supportive of his dad, but I sense that he struggles with the situation. All while we just found out SS20 has Covid. He is sick but still in flu like level. So now I am worried about him, and H is consumed with his own life.
I have been served the D papers and H got a lawyer as well. I am being amicable but told H I will not help him with the process. My financial course ended and I am trying to find someone to help me with financial strategy for the the D who understands my states rules. I plan to ensure I get my max equitable split of the assets, while being as nice as I can be through the process. Fingers crossed it doesn't get ugly. I don't need the stress.
Job-wise, I am a freelancer but have been working with a company for years. This company was purchased by another and the parent company has expressed interest in hiring me full time. This would be great to provide me health coverage and more reliable income. Fingers crossed this happens. However, H said he will keep me on his health insurance as long as I need to be...but I don't want to trust anything he says. It could involve me also moving to another state...that part is unclear at the moment, but will consider it if it comes up.
Things have been light between us while we've still been under the same roof. I think this is good since the next month is going to be super busy with moving out, house upgrades, and putting it on the market, not to mention the D moving forward. So being light and happy is where I need to be emotionally. So I'm doing everything to keep it that way. I think H thinks this means we will be friends in the future, but when that time comes, I will just pull away as I see fit. I do want to remain as amicable as I can be with him for the kids sake, but I have no desire to be friends with this person after the D. This person he has become (or always was) is not someone I need as a friend in my life.
It's sad that our home, a fixer upper, will get some of the nice cosmetic things done that not getting done contributed to the demise of our relationship. H insisted on doing so much ourselves and hated it and now he is running from the projects. Now, for less $$ than he thought, all that work will be done, and done for the next family that lives here, by other people. Makes me sad and a bit angry, but maybe this is the way it is supposed to go. The market is hot and we hopefully will make a lot of money on the house.
Feeling very overwhelmed and struggling with balancing everything, but excited to get into my new place and get it over with at the same time. Then I feel I will have more time to really focus on me and my growing and healing.
Seeing Sunshine Again
Literally there was sun and warmth today
but figuratively I'm seeing the light.
It feels so good...
to know I don't have to put up with any of
his lies or mistreatment ever again.
I'm free to be me...
just me...
not some made up version I've twisted
myself into to make him happy.
-@thenewwife.lessonslearned
El
(((Elbereth)))
First off-- so sorry to hear about SS20. Does he have a pulse oximeter? I'd recommend getting one for him, for your peace of mind if nothing else.
Second, just want to say how amazingly well you are doing. I'm so inspired and proud of you. You seem centered and immensely self-aware and ready to embark on this next stage, even though it wasn't what you would have chosen for yourself. I want to hear more about the temporary place you're moving into, and the possible full time job!
xoxo M
Thanks May. I am working hard to grow, expand and be open to my future. I have my moments! And I know I will have to work very hard on the fear and trusts issues I will have (as discussed on your thread). But I have hope. I am sad and disappointed in the way my marriage and that time has turned out. But I know I did a lot to try to make it good. I tried to be a good wife and step mom. I tried hard, but I also realize that I didn't have the partner that I needed. I love him deeply and a part of me always will. But I have to move forward for me.
Anyway, a family member is planning to tear down a home they have, and build a dream home on the property. It's nearby and has amazing views, but it's pretty run down and we are hoping the deck won't fail or the furnace won't give out while I live there. Ha! I will not have full use of the house, but I can use a few rooms, the garage for storage, etc. Just enough time to figure out my next steps. My city is getting very expensive, so once the house is sold, I do not feel I can afford to buy again. At least not now. Also, as a freelancer, that also affects my chances...
I've been working as a freelancer for a long time, but generally with only a couple of clients. One of them I love and it's the company my H was managing....but now he's resigned. They were purchased by another company and that company, and another one they have do not have the department I'm in, so they may create one department to manage all three companies. Or they may bring me on with my current company. I really do not know and nothing is solid. I'm just being hopeful. It would be great to get the opportunity to have something more secure during this time in my life.
SS20 seems to be okay so far, but I do worry. We are hopeful that he won't get too sick or have any long lasting effects. It's hard as he is in another city and I can't take care of him. But he is also becoming an adult and I need to help him be that for himself too.
El
El hang in there. At least you have a plan. On the job, any chance to look for another one? I know the housing market is working against you (since prices are soaring) for buying a house, but the flip side is that the job market is booming. If you are a degreed, salary worker there are no shortage of jobs out there, and lots of opportunity for improving your situation.
Hi El, I think in regards to jobs I would check if there is something out there on a fix basis for you as Steve stated.
I was also a self-employed freelancer, but most of the time working for the same company. A few months ago I asked them to become a salary worker on a full time basis for them and they agreed.
So I'm no longer self-employed, and don't have to worry anymore now if I get sick or if I would have an accident or anything like that, and 100% sure of my monthly salary.
This gives a lot of peace in your head. Maybe something to think about.
Hello SteveLW and Eagle3.
Yeah, my goal is to gain full time salary employment with benefits versus freelancing. I’ll probably maintain my business for side projects, but I do feel at this stage in my life I need security. I do have some plans for other opportunities if this one falls through or they offer me less than I want. But at least it’s promising that things may happen with them in the next few months. It also will benefit me in investing in another property when the time is right. I’ll keep you posted!
Looking for advice and direction here. I had told my H previously that I won’t be his friend after the D. That was a while back now. He’s been living at home and things have been amicable and friendly (I chose to be this way for my own sanity and stress management, as well as hoping to keep the divorce process as stress free as possible). We are moving forward on the D and we are having discussions on the home selling. In fact, conversations have been going better than they have in years. He’s been less defensive and patient with my questions, thoughts and suggestions even when they conflict with his. He claims he’s going to give me a generous equitable split, etc. He’s acting very supportive of me and my future. I’m sure some of it is guilt but that’s beside the point.
Anyway, lately there have been comments made by him that suggest he thinks we will be friendly/friend like in the future. So far I’ve not said again, uh...we won’t be friends because I have wanted to avoid relationship talks. But at this stage should I be reminding him of the boundaries that will be set as soon as the D is done? My goal has been to never be nasty or hateful towards him. I do want to remain as a stepmom to our boys. But beyond discussions about the kids, I’ll want very little to do with him.
My feelings are why would I want to be friends with someone who betrayed me, lied to me, took money from me, and treated me with more disrespect than anyone else in my entire life? Just because he’s been nicer to me lately, my feelings haven’t changed. Even if he said he wanted to reconcile right now, I’d still continue with the D for financial security.
But do I voice it again as I think he’s forgotten? Or do I just DO IT when the time comes?
I think there is a difference to being friendly and being friends.
If you want to continue to foster a relationship with you children and stepchildren just focus on being friendly. You have years of interacting ahead of you... grads, weddings, grandkids... If your children view you as unfriendly then they are constantly battling over having only one of you involved at a time.
Being friendly is being polite in each other's space. Right now if he is at home you are sharing the space.
Being friends is calling each other when the car breaks down or when there is stressful news at work to share. Is he calling you in the middle of the day to discuss work issues? Are you? Then I would say its safe to say you are not crossing the I don't want to be friends boundary.
If you can picture both of you at the same kid's event though with much distance between you and nothing more than a nice greeting... that's friendly. If you picture yourself at the kid's event siting next to each other and gossiping about the latest high school drama... that's being friends.
So if its more of the former... friendly then say nothing. Keep doing you.
Looking for advice and direction here. I had told my H previously that I won’t be his friend after the D. That was a while back now. He’s been living at home and things have been amicable and friendly (I chose to be this way for my own sanity and stress management, as well as hoping to keep the divorce process as stress free as possible). We are moving forward on the D and we are having discussions on the home selling. In fact, conversations have been going better than they have in years. He’s been less defensive and patient with my questions, thoughts and suggestions even when they conflict with his. He claims he’s going to give me a generous equitable split, etc. He’s acting very supportive of me and my future. I’m sure some of it is guilt but that’s beside the point.
Anyway, lately there have been comments made by him that suggest he thinks we will be friendly/friend like in the future. So far I’ve not said again, uh...we won’t be friends because I have wanted to avoid relationship talks. But at this stage should I be reminding him of the boundaries that will be set as soon as the D is done? My goal has been to never be nasty or hateful towards him. I do want to remain as a stepmom to our boys. But beyond discussions about the kids, I’ll want very little to do with him.
My feelings are why would I want to be friends with someone who betrayed me, lied to me, took money from me, and treated me with more disrespect than anyone else in my entire life? Just because he’s been nicer to me lately, my feelings haven’t changed. Even if he said he wanted to reconcile right now, I’d still continue with the D for financial security.
But do I voice it again as I think he’s forgotten? Or do I just DO IT when the time comes?
Actions, not words. After the D when you don't take his calls and don't respond to his texts, and you are "busy" when he wants to hang out, he'll figure it out. I don't think you have to say anything about it to him.
Hello El
I would suggest to not say anything. If his seemingly good natured manner is because of guilt, or amicable feelings, or the rush of getting closer to his new life - who knows. However, reminding H (if he actually forgot) that you and he will not be friends will be counterproductive to the present goal of a smooth divorce.
Remain kind and cordial. Friendly not friends. And yes, no relationship talks. That path follows your stated desire to proceed with the divorce and still remain in the boys lives. There is no need to state or attempt to enforce a boundary which is to come into effect after the divorce, until after the divorce.
This also allows you to see if H is actually being a friendly amicable guy, who is more patient and less defensive, because he is healing and growing or more just acting. It might turn out you and he could be somewhat friends.
My feelings are why would I want to be friends with someone who betrayed me, lied to me, took money from me, and treated me with more disrespect than anyone else in my entire life? Just because he’s been nicer to me lately, my feelings haven’t changed.
Feelings. Do not make decisions based upon feelings, they will change. Guaranteed.
Why would you want to be friends with someone who lied, took money, betrayed, and disrespected you? Because all the betrayal, lies, taking of money, disrespect, and so on, matters not. In time, all that stuff diminishes. One quells (or can if one chooses to) their ego and let’s go their need to be right and vindicated. One sees that they cannot control their once loving spouse. And that their spouse’s actions say much more about their spouse than anyone else.
Why would you want to be friends with someone who lied, took money, betrayed, and disrespected you? Because, after all that stuff diminishes, what is left? Your feelings for your once loving spouse return. Seriously. You will feel differently.
Feelings will flit. One’s original feelings of love and family and marriage are more beliefs than feelings, that’s why they return. Compassion, understanding, and empathy leads to forgiveness and acceptance.
Imagine when all that betrayal stuff is let go and you have peace and contentment in your life. The question of being friends looses its meaning. You see your spouse or ex spouse as they are, a hurt person. You treat them with kindness and respectfully, and implement appropriate boundaries as required, because of who you are.
Even if he said he wanted to reconcile right now, I’d still continue with the D for financial security.
Good. You need financial security.
The business side has no benefit in confronting H and stirring him up. And in truth, until a good while post divorce our emotions are not settled, so there is no current benefit there either. Best to keep as you are in my opinion.
D
Thanks all. Your responses really helped.
It is a confusing time. Strange that with all the stress, he's been easier to deal with than in the past during times of stress. Easier in that he's more patient, understanding, supportive etc. So it kind of feels like he's either really acting nice for the divorce or he's really hoping to remain friends...or who knows why else. There could be so many reasons that could have nothing to do with me.
Been really overwhelmed with the move. Work has also been busy and another project that slipped it's timeline is also coming due. I feel like everything is hitting me all at once. I know I'll get through it, but I hate this overwhelmed feeling...and that panic I tend to feel when it occurs.
I'm so stressed that I need to go to bed early tonight and catch up on some zzzz's. Thanks again for being there and I'll check in again as soon as I can.
El
Thanks all. Your responses really helped.
It is a confusing time. Strange that with all the stress, he's been easier to deal with than in the past during times of stress. Easier in that he's more patient, understanding, supportive etc. So it kind of feels like he's either really acting nice for the divorce or he's really hoping to remain friends...or who knows why else. There could be so many reasons that could have nothing to do with me.
Been really overwhelmed with the move. Work has also been busy and another project that slipped it's timeline is also coming due. I feel like everything is hitting me all at once. I know I'll get through it, but I hate this overwhelmed feeling...and that panic I tend to feel when it occurs.
I'm so stressed that I need to go to bed early tonight and catch up on some zzzz's. Thanks again for being there and I'll check in again as soon as I can.
El
Well done on recognizing that your body needed sleep! When we get overwhelmed we often neglect our own needs. Sleep is so important to human health, I think it is often an overlooked aspect of health.
Hello friends. Just a quick update. I'm in crazy town with moving to a new place, planning renovations to get the house up for sale, and trying to get full time employment all in one week! Ha! Wish me luck!
H has been helping with the move and little projects I need in the new place, and I am taking it. For one, I am keeping things civil between us for the kids and to hopefully keep the D process from getting ugly. For two, I am so overwhelmed, I will take the help. It is so weird that under all this stress we are not fighting. Our marriage has had a lot of stressors and things were hard. Now it's ending and we are getting along better. Life is strange. There was a moment when he could have shown some romantic interest in me, and he didn't, so to me it still appears that he is in the fog pretty deep. For myself, I've also been feeling less tied to him emotionally/romantically, so maybe the detachment period is fully in place. I am honestly not sure I would ever want to be with him again beyond the chemistry we had. We did have some good years, but the marriage was so stressful and I never felt important enough. Again, I'm trying not to rewrite history, but the more emotionally separated I get from him, the more I remember how much strife there was in our relationship.
There has been a change in management at work, and that might affect my job situation in getting hired full time. So, I am sort of starting out at step one again with a new manager to convince. But trying to just roll with it and know that I can't control any of it. So, putting energy into all the things happening right now and trying to save a little energy and rest for myself in the process.
On a positive note, my temporary place might last longer than expected, so that will help until I get myself on solid footing and get thorough the divorce. I've been feeling sad about losing the house, the ending of all those dreams, for the time I struggled to make this marriage work with all the drama that we had. But I'm also hopeful that things for me will be better, that I will find someone who really loves me for me, and I will have the partnership I deserve. Send positive vibes my way that the next few weeks go as smoothly as possible with everything going on. Thanks friends!
I'll be catching up with all of you on your threads as soon as I am settled. Miss you and seeing how you all are doing!
El
El, good update. Just keep a finger on the pulse of your attachment/detachment. If having him help starts to reattach you then just politely decline his help, and find other help.
As far as feeling sad about the house, my W cries every time she moves. We've only moved twice in our marriage, but she told me she would cry even before that. She was sad when we moved into our current house, but now says she doesn't miss the old house even a little bit. I think it just the thought of "home" moving. She get homesick very easily so I think that plays into it.
Hope the work stuff works out, but as I stated before, right now it is an employee job market! Plenty of opportunity out there.
Thanks SteveLW...
This house and property was special. But it also represents the collapse of my marriage. So yes, sadness, but also a lot of mixed feelings beyond that. Just trying to move forward and let it go.
Today was a strange day in regards to H. I am sure it’s just guilt but still... This morning he brought me coffee in bed, which he’s not done in months. And that was always something I appreciated. Then, this afternoon he ran to the store and got flowers for me. My favorite kind. He helped me again with moving today as well. All while I’m hearing from my L about things moving forward. It all is just so surreal. My best friend thinks I’m crazy for even being civil towards him, but I don’t have the energy to be anything but. He told me today he appreciated me for the same. I didn’t get into anything but I said it doesn’t mean I’m not hurt by all that has happened. He acknowledged that he knew that.
I also am spending the night in my new place. Wasn’t planned that way, but maybe just as well...otherwise I would have been all emotional when I got up this morning. Such an exhausting time moving along with everything else happening this week and next. I also realize how many of my relationships have been impacted by my marriage. And right now I feel very alone. I really hope to change that in my future. Another friend is moving back to Seattle and I’m looking forward to spending time with her in the future.
As for the the job situation, I am still pushing for a full-time salaried position. Fingers crossed it happens, as I love the company I am freelancing with, but if it doesn’t work out I do know I have other options.
Xo friends.
El
What strange behavior by your STBXH. I hope you sleep well in your new place, and crossing my fingers for your career. Night night!
Hi El,
Was thinking of you. How are things going?
I too am interested in how you are doing Elbereth! Hope all is well.
Hello Friends. I am fine, just overwhelmed. Still packing, moving, working extra hours and managing contractors, so seems not enough time. Will get back online when things slow down a little.
Hope all is well with you all. I'll have a lot of catching up to do on your threads!
Hugs,
El
Hello Friends. I am fine, just overwhelmed. Still packing, moving, working extra hours and managing contractors, so seems not enough time. Will get back online when things slow down a little.
Hope all is well with you all. I'll have a lot of catching up to do on your threads!
Hugs,
El
Hang in there. Know we are all rooting for you!
Taking care of you is the most important. Just know this part of the process will end and you will have time to relax.
HUGS
Hey Elbereth! Don't worry about reading our threads while you're so busy. I'd love to hear how you're doing?
Thank you all. Yeah, I've been stretched to the limit and each day I think I will have time to be online, I end up just collapsing in bed and crashing. It's been hard. I haven't had much help as many of my friends and family do not even want to be near my STBXH...so I've really had very little help. And as I wasn't able to separate what is mine from his, it's not like I could hire movers like normal people. So I am just doing a bit every day.
I've had very little time for self-care lately. But things will calm down at the end of the month and I will get back to my normal self-care walks and such. Right now, I am just trying to eat well, sleep enough, and get some down time each day and not work myself to death. ha!
Mentally, I am in a weird place. I've had bouts of sadness, but it's not that I want my STBXH back. It's more like sad over the loss of my dreams of the future, my life as I knew it, and fears about losing the extended family. Things like that. However, I did hear from his family and they do seem to love me and want to remain close to me regardless of what is happening with H and I. So that helps.
On the job front, I have been given the opportunity to try to define my new full time position and there are a bunch of meetings this week at the office with upper level management. Hoping things go well and I get set up with a job I will love to do and a pay that is worth it.
Well, behind on things for today, so let me get back to it. I do want to catch up on all your threads. You guys mean a lot to me too!
Hugs,
El
(((Elbereth)))
Just stopping in to say hello and I'm thinking of you! Exciting news about the job! I remain so impressed with your attitude and self-awareness... you totally got this, sister!
xx May
May! I've missed you! Thanks for stopping by!
Still packing and moving, still stressed, and still exhausted. Have hardly had any help as no one wants to be around my STBXH. So sorting, packing, moving and unpacking has been overwhelming. I've also been working extra hours with work and I've been told that I have an offer package coming for a higher-level full-time position at the parent company, so it would be an increase in income as well as more security. Fingers crossed they give me a solid offer!
As for my mental state, I'm stressed and tired, but otherwise positive and moving forward. I've really come to realize that I really don't want to be with my STBXH anymore, so that has helped while dealing with all the stuff we are dealing with. The house is almost empty, and work has started on both the interior and the exterior. The market is crazy so we are hopeful we will make some good profit on the house...even though it breaks my heart to lose it. So just need to get through the next month until we have it ready.
I've still not caught up on everyone's situations. I'm sorry I am not being much use to any of you right now. I'm so overwhelmed and I have had very little down time, and hardly any time for self care beyond sleep...which has also been in short supply. But I know all of this will settle and soon things will be calmer and I'll have more time. Just right now there is just not enough hours in the day to accomplish everything I'm dealing with.
Sending love and hugs to all of you. I miss you! And I hope things are going well for each and every one of you! If you check in, give me an update on my thread! That will help me to catch up!
xo
El
Hello friends,
Had some time to myself this evening so popped in to check on what I've been missing. ha! Seems I picked the night that the big dump is happening, so I do hope my posts on others feeds stick around on the other side!
I've been completely overwhelmed and exhausted. But I'm dealing enough...in that my health is level and not deteriorating. I keep losing a lot of hair though. Ugh. I'm doing my best to make self-care a priority but it's been very hard. I'm working extra hours now (but still waiting for the offer packet for full time), I have another project that I have to finish as well for another client, and I've been still sorting, packing moving, unpacking and repeat each weekend. There just never seems to be enough hours in the day. So sleep has been my biggest self-care. I need more walks and time, but right now I'm struggling with it all. As soon as the house is on the market, I will be in a better place and have more time...
With all of this stress, I recently also had an episode with bats in the house, so now I've been getting rabies vaccines, which wiped me out for two days and seems to make me feel super tired after each dose. When will my life settle? I'm READY! Can I just skip all this BS and get there already? ha!
I've been friendly with the STBXH to keep things emotionally simple for me. I just don't have the energy for any drama. He's moved away and is only in town here and there for moving and such. I think he's starting to think we are buds...even though I told him that I don't want to be friends after the divorce happens. Right now we have to be around each other a lot while we get the house sold, but after that I am looking forward to talking to him less and less everyday. Oddly, he's made constant effort to connect. For example, he sounded a bit pushy on a text and I wrote back and said that is what I was hearing. He called and apologized and I acted unemotional about it, but was like "yeah, you sounded that way, but okay, glad you didn't mean it, thanks". Then like four hours later I get another apology text from him about it. I guess it was bugging him all day, but I had already moved on from it? Then this evening he said he's coming back to town and wanted me to join he and our son for dinner, and I was like "well, you can see him without me if you want" to make it clear that I really don't care if I see him or not for dinner. We have done dinners together with the whole move process, but those are not dinners out. That's different than throwing something together after moving all day.... And what, we are going out to dinner like a family, when we are no longer a family and you are having an affair? WTF?
So maybe he's feeling me pull away. And it's real, because I am. I really don't want to be with him anymore. Sure, there are parts of him that I will always love. But I really have no desire to reconcile now. I just want to get past all of this so I can get on with my life. He would have to do some major work on himself for me to even consider anything even remotely to friendship after this. Not that I want to be his enemy or be ugly, because I don't. But I don't want someone who has shown me less respect than anyone else in my life for a friend. I deserve so much more than that. Have I forgiven him? If forgiveness is letting go of the anger and just focusing on myself, then yes, I guess I have. I just have no desire to put any energy into that relationship beyond what is necessary for the kids and family members. Sure, I'm still sad and I cry. But it's due to disappointment more than anything.
I guess if I look back on where I was when I joined this forum, I probably seem like a different person. I guess maybe I am. I'm a changed person who is growing, trying to thrive, and looking towards the future I am making for myself. I do feel stronger. Exhausted, but stronger.
Thanks friends for sharing this journey with me.
El
E,
You are doing really well and I am impressed by your strength.
WWs go through separation anxiety just like the LBS.
I would say it took my exw over a year of minimal responses to about my children and no responses to anything else for her to get it.
Keep going!
Hi El,
Sorry to hear you are so exhausted. You have a lot to deal with at the moment, in an emotional way as well as work, the move, etc. The combination of all these things can be hard but believe me, it will get better.
Definitely try to find some "me-time", those boxes can wait to be unpacked.
I'm always impressed of how quickly you move on, I assume you are somebody who processes fast, or am I wrong?
Anyway, lots of courage and you know we are here for you.
I live out in the sticks, so an occasional bat in the house is part of the deal. Since I had the roof replaced last summer we haven't had any bats in the attic or roof. Is rabies vaccination a standard where you are? Or was it a bat infestation?
Thanks all,
Eagle3, I am very analytical and logical. Before the BD, I had been delving into marriage skills, and after the BD, I dug into even more information about my situation. I am humble enough to admit the areas I know I need to work on, but I am analytical and logical enough to recognize things in my relationship that I see now I made excuses for, ignored, or put up with. So in the 8 or so months of dealing with the situation from where I've been, I just have come to realize that I deserve more than my STBXH gave me, that there were signs of his selfishness and weakness for a long time, etc. So I have now realized that I want more. And I am not sure that even with counseling he could ever be what I want him to be as a partner. Sure, it could be the MLC, and this part of him might change when he wakes up, but honestly, some of the signs go further back. I'm not sure it's being strong. I have no choice in many ways but to move forward. I do have the choice to put myself first, so that is what I am doing. Moving on from him is part of that.
And SteveLW, I live in a city, but we have a lot of green spaces and therefore bats. I had a couple of windows on the second floor open just an inch or so. They must have been chasing a bug towards the light in the house. But as one hit me and there was blood, they advised the vaccine as rabies is found in bats in our area. Maybe it's paranoia, but without catching the bat and having it tested, I sure didn't want to end up with the chance of rabies. We don't use screens much here...so it was just a random thing. Not usual at all. And not an attack. I think I turned the lights on and came into the hallway and freaked it out. They don't like bright lights.
El
@Elbereth, when I visited Texas I was amazed to find large groups of bats in one city. Fun fact--I just discovered a group of bats is not a "flock" but rather a "cauldron".
I agree you deserve better and am glad you see it, too. (:
Hey E,
You're doing so well! Hugs and much respect!
xx M
Thanks all! Back atcha May22! Hope you are well!
El
An update...
Been taking a break from the moving process as it's just wearing me down and I'm so over it. I'm hoping to hire some muscle to finish it up, but so far, movers have been hard to come by.
My STBXHs AP has moved states and is now living with him. A part of me is glad, because I do feel it's the beginning of the end for them as I don't feel that relationship will last (Karma). I am also hoping that it means that things will finally move forward with the D as nothing has been happening. I just want to move on with my life and have my finances in order. I'm ready. But I also didn't want to make it easy on him and push the process through and do all the work. So I'm kind of stuck on what to do if things continue to drag out. I know I should not focus at all on what is happening with them...so now that things are where they are, I am now making a conscious effort to not poke around her social media channels. I've not looked in a week or so now. Progress.
The house is getting remodeled and ready to sell. Work is busier but still no solid offer on the position I asked for. I am really frustrated by the way they have dragged it out. Can you tell? I'm so over things in limbo and just waiting for others to make decisions. haha. I do have a plan B if this doesn't work out...so at least I'm not freaked out about it.
I'm going to take some time off since I've not had a vacation in a very long time. It will be some time for me alone to focus on my journey and self care. I'm planning to take a Bloom course on healing the PTSD of Infidelity and I hope that will be helpful. The time away will hopefully be some much needed focus on myself that has been hard to manage lately.
Lastly, I do feel I have some PTSD from the affair. I've been finding myself dwelling a lot on things lately. I've been having trouble sleeping too. I just feel stagnate. Numb. Maybe it's just exhaustion. But I know I need to focus on the feelings and work through them. So I hope to do that on this trip.
Anyway, I wanted to drop in and give everyone an update. I will spend some time catching up on threads, and I hope everyone is hanging in there and doing well.
El
There is one thing I forgot to mention that is on my mind...
One of the contractors on the house has been making a lot of effort to engage with me. Sending texts about random things, and being friendly. I am in my 50s and I think he is in his thirties. I just find it really confusing. ha! I mean, I'm an older divorcing woman...what is he looking for? I don't even think we have that much in common but he says he finds me interesting. I don't know, maybe it's just been too long since a man other than my spouse has shown me any attention. Pathetic, I know. ha!
Anyone else experience something like this in the midst of their lives in crazy times?
El
Anyone else experience something like this in the midst of their lives in crazy times?
The last time I "seriously" dated was decades ago. I've been surprised most women I meet aren't looking for marriage, kids, or a commitment to forever. They're just looking for attraction, chemistry, and a relationship that's an asset rather than a liability.
Personally, I'm 40s and have dated women my age +/- 8yrs. I met a woman +10yrs who I'm clicking with. Yes, an age starting with a 5!!! I'm being silly, of course, but her son is the same age as mine and her career is in a similar place.
Why shouldn't the 30s guy court a 50s lady if he finds her attractive? You asked what HE is looking for. What are YOU open to? You get to set the tone and pace. E.g., are your dates at a public walk, a picnic, a lunch--or a darkened theater--or dinner at his place? I encourage being intentional and no regrets. (:
Good Morning El
I empathize with your feelings of stress over the traumatic events of your situation.
I do feel I have some PTSD from the affair. I've been finding myself dwelling a lot on things lately. I've been having trouble sleeping too. I just feel stagnate. Numb. Maybe it's just exhaustion. But I know I need to focus on the feelings and work through them.
The dwelling upon the past events is normal. It’s part of grief; the stage of depression. The time when we emotionally realize the loss.
The stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are written in that particular order as they give the overarching path. However, the stages are not strictly linear nor one at a time. It is very common to be within two or more stages which reflect upon different parts of one’s situation and their journey towards acceptance.
An interesting juxtaposition of grief is bargaining and depression. These usually overlap. Bargaining being our last ditch efforts to keep our former lives intact, and depression being us finally letting go of that and facing the dark sadness of our loss. It’s a weird time.
Along with that emotional journey, one moves from attached to detached and then on to indifferent. Indifference, that numb feeling. A time when other feelings loom much larger than they really are when compared against the now and very temporary void of numb indifference. Be cautious. Anger, vengeance, lust, infatuation, and such all appear much larger at times. And at other times we are completely void and blank. Such is the mix of depression and indifference.
I do understand how it is a pretty good feeling when we get some attention. Especially after your spouse treated you like he did.
Entertaining ideas of “what if” are a nice little dream. Keep them there!
I mean, I'm an older divorcing woman...what is he looking for?
I think you know the answer to that.
Decisions made based upon feelings oftentimes lead to regret.
The one’s attention you covet. The one who’s respect you desire. Is your’s. Oftentimes folks don’t find that out until too late.
You defined yourself as “divorcing”. I’ll be explicitly straightforward, do not date or give into someone’s attention while you are married. Give yourself at least one full year post finalized divorce before any of that. For you are worth it!
Indifference is a gift. Depression a necessary step towards accepting what has happened and one’s new life. A new and very great life full of possibilities! Take the time to fully unwrap and explore this gift and blessing bestowed upon you. Yes, I’m serious. Depression and numbness are blessings. Accept them.
But I know I need to focus on the feelings and work through them.
We work through best by not focusing upon that which presses. Your emotional self is already churning and processing. Focusing your conscious direct control towards your emotions and feelings is more a hinderance than a help.
Focus upon your self and your life. Joyful times. Birds singing. Songs. Walks. Trips. Gardening. Work. Etc.
Be patient and let answers, the true internal answers, present themselves. You cannot force that. It takes time to walk the path. And the best strategy is a peaceful, kind of sideways approach.
It’s part of finding our beliefs. Then strengthening those values that serve us. Crafting beliefs and convictions we aspire to. And altering or discarding that which does not serve us.
By the way, most people believe in vengeance and unknowingly justify it as a belief in justice. Vengeance is a pretty good one to let go of, IMHO. And Compassion, kindness, forgiveness, etc. are all pretty good values to strengthen.
My STBXHs AP has moved states and is now living with him. A part of me is glad, because I do feel it's the beginning of the end for them as I don't feel that relationship will last (Karma). I am also hoping that it means that things will finally move forward with the D as nothing has been happening. I just want to move on with my life and have my finances in order. I'm ready. But I also didn't want to make it easy on him and push the process through and do all the work. So I'm kind of stuck on what to do if things continue to drag out. I know I should not focus at all on what is happening with them...so now that things are where they are, I am now making a conscious effort to not poke around her social media channels. I've not looked in a week or so now.
El, embrace your indifference and find yourself. Find your beliefs.
It is ok, and actually healthy to be stuck. Give yourself permission to be stuck. Is is ok.
Do continue
not spying upon OW’s social media blabbing. She’s not worth that effort and you need not know or compare. Your life is awesome. Live it.
Be patient and continue your path.
The future is thankfully unknown. And will reveal itself in time.
D
Hi Elb! It might not feel like it, but reading your updates, it sounds like you are in a good place. You are self aware when you need a break and have a lot of plates spinning in the air, but making it work!
I don't have a lot to add as CW and DnJ have given wonderful advice and support, but I am in your corner!!
Re: your STBX - acting sweet and like a 'friend'. Mine did and continues to do the same. There is no rhyme or reason behind it. He has told me I'm beautiful and compliments me constantly, whereas during the last year of us prior to BD he didn't even notice me. He even offered to come and mow the lawn in my new place. I try and not focus on him, like you, and just focus on what I need to do to move forward and heal.
Keep your chin up and keep moving forward! It's so encouraging to read how you are handling the changes. And also - enjoy the fact that the young man finds you interesting. I hope it's a reminder that you have value even if your STBX couldn't see it! I'm 47 and the only people who have shown interest are 20-30 year olds!! it's crazy. I just take it as a compliment and move on lol
Hello friends.
I've had a hard time getting online. Seems the pages won't load and I get time out errors. So fingers crossed this post gets through.
CWarrior, it's not really the age difference that bothers me, I mean, I dated a guy that was 13 years older than me before. But for anything longer term, I think I'd need to be 5-7 years difference in age at the most. It's true that age is just a number but there is no denying that different ages have different life experiences and reference points. I'd prefer someone who is more aligned to mine. That's all. The other thing about this guy, is he could be gay. I can't tell (and I have gay family members), so that makes it even more confusing. My friend met him the other day and I asked what she thought and she thought he's gay (and was confused when I told her I had interest vibes off him). Who knows, I try not to judge books by their covers. He could certainly be bisexual too for all I know. What do I want? If there were any chemistry, I'd be interested in sex but not much more. I don't want a relationship at this moment. But I've never been the type to just have sex with strangers.
DnJ, you say wait a year to date. I don't disagree. But if we are separated a year and the divorce drags out a year, etc, etc, who wants to wait that long? I certainly don't want that. I do agree that you shouldn't until you are ready, and I think that should be the guide. You have to commit to yourself to spend the time on the work and on being happy alone. If you have done that and feel you are ready then you could be ready. I do feel that I will also find some healing in my next relationships too. Avoiding them isn't the answer...doing the work on yourself I think is. So I plan to do that first, and I hope I am already doing that. But I am not going to stop meeting people if it comes up and an interesting option comes around... That's just me.
As for the numb/limbo feelings I'm feeling right now, reading your post is comforting, thank you. I'm going to do the work as I feel it, take breaks as I feel it, and just try to follow my heart and my body each day. I don't want to rush things, but I also don't want to avoid things. I'm sick of where things are, but I also realize not that much time has passed. It's a very uncomfortable place to be.
97Hope, thank you for also being in my corner. The behaviors that come out at this time are so confusing. I actually think my STBXH is a covert narcissist (or has some tendencies). I think he will continue to be nice to me as long as it suits him. And when it doesn't, I expect to either be ignored or get anger. I've accepted that I don't know this person (at least who he is now), so I am just doing my best to be my most gracious self and to not engage in any negativity with him. I think I have also come to realize is that I will continue to be confused by his behavior. There are no answers for me. At least not anytime soon.
As for getting the looks, I'll take them! ha! And if they are younger it is flattering!
El
Hello Friends,
Just a little update on my situation. I was able to go out of town for a week and just relax and do self care. It was wonderful, but it did take me half of the time to get to a true relaxed state. I really know I could have used more time. So I am exploring retreats or other options to unwind and focus on me and my own growth.
The younger guy that has shown interest is still sending vibes my way. He did mention that he saw an ex-girlfriend recently, so that means he isn't gay (or at least he's bi). I enjoy the conversations, etc, but still feel no interest in anything further.
The home is almost complete in the remodeling effort and will very soon end up on the market. It's bittersweet to see it in the state that I always knew it could be and sad that I won't live in it to enjoy it. But hopefully we make a decent profit and that makes some of the pain worth it.
I was really feeling stuck emotionally and even though I am ready to move on from my M, I still keep having trouble sleeping, keep rehashing events or convos in my mind, and keep feeling a level of anxiety about my future and about trusting people in general (male and female). One of my instagram pals posted something about betrayal PTSD and in reviewing this subject, I feel strongly that I don't just have PTSD over his betrayal, but I also have PTSD in the way the last few years have been. It's as if the lying and cheating wasn't abusive enough, but he was also verbally and emotionally abusive to the point that it affected my mental and physical health. He watched me trusting him, owning my own sh*t, and trying to meet his needs, adjust to his roller-coaster of emotional states (walking on glass), taking on more of the burden's of family, all while he may have been having his affair that whole time. And all while my health was failing. I really struggle to know if he was always this person or if he snapped or what. No one understands what has happened to him or why he's doing what he is doing. Does it take someone who has narcissistic tendencies to go this far off the rails in MLC? But in speaking with older friends, it's been pointed out that his XW also didn't seem to do well with him and that he wasn't there for her when she had post-partum depression, and she also is crazy now (but wasn't before the children). I now wonder, did his treatment of her make her snap? Did she experience similar behaviors from him in their M? I certainly feel like I came close to collapsing, but I am a very strong person...so I think I can handle more than the average person...
Anyway, this is where my head has been at. I am exploring some courses in PTSD for sexual betrayal and I think I want to do a retreat that focuses on PTSD or other issues like codependency and boundaries. I know I will get through this, but I feel stuck and need to shift into some other areas of exploration. I know I will need a lot of time and therapy to heal from this experience.
I will try to do some catching up on your sitch's now that I am back home. I had tried to get online several times, but it just hanged and I couldn't get in. Things seem to be working better today as it was quick to log me in. I hope you all are hanging in there and enjoying the last of summer.
xo
El
Good Morning E
I’m glad your week away was relaxing. The truly relaxed state is quite rejuvenating.
DnJ, you say wait a year to date. I don't disagree. But if we are separated a year and the divorce drags out a year, etc, etc, who wants to wait that long? I certainly don't want that. I do agree that you shouldn't until you are ready, and I think that should be the guide. You have to commit to yourself to spend the time on the work and on being happy alone. If you have done that and feel you are ready then you could be ready. I do feel that I will also find some healing in my next relationships too. Avoiding them isn't the answer...doing the work on yourself I think is. So I plan to do that first, and I hope I am already doing that. But I am not going to stop meeting people if it comes up and an interesting option comes around... That's just me.
I get it. Who wants to wait a year or two or four. And that is kind of the point.
However, I didn’t say wait a year to date. I said, do not date for at least a year post divorce. That is not waiting around for the timer to expire then go dating. Life is meant to live.
I absolutely agree that one should not date until they are ready. That is actual beyond when the feel ready. It takes time to heal and get to the place where you know and believe it!
Yes, your next relationship will help with healing. And that next relationship is a most interesting one. One you’ve been within for a long time. That person is you.
Past the limbo, through the PTSD, codependency, and such, is a different landscape. Find the new world, breathe the fresh free air, for you are so very worth the effort.
By the way, there is no one way fits all. No “the right way” through all of this. You know your situation best. I’m just passing on some of my views and values. They may resonate within you or not. They may fit or not. It still is, and always has been, your choice. And I support you.
D
Hello DnJ,
As always, I love your messages. Even if I don't agree with everything 100%, the guidance is also so thoughtful, wise, gentle and logical.
Past the limbo, through the PTSD, codependency, and such, is a different landscape. Find the new world, breathe the fresh free air, for you are so very worth the effort.
I think we are both in total agreement there. The point I was trying to make is that the work needs to happen first within yourself. The timeline isn't what matters as importantly.
And I support you back!
xo
El
Well, my STBXH has moved into a temporary place and his AP is with him. And our older son is staying with him (and her) now. As a step-parent, STBXH did not disclose his affair and our divorce together as we originally agreed. So I have no real idea of what he said to the boys. When I took my time to talk to them about it, all I could do was stress my side of the story (that I love them and plan to go nowhere and that I didn't want this or know about the AP until just before they were told).
I believe he also had our younger son stay with 'them' when he was staying in a local AirBnB and I suspect that she was there as well. We are not even divorced and he's with his other woman, and I really don't know what affect it is having on the boys. They love me, but I have never felt they confide in me like they do their bio parents. So, I'm worried a bit what impact his behavior will have on them and how they view relationships. Especially because they also are aware of their mother's infidelity and that it was why their father divorced her.
On another note, nothing has happened on the divorce process. He served me months ago...and yet we have not received any potential settlement proposal. My lawyer wanted STBXH to provide the first offer, but if it's going to take forever, then that isn't so good. I mean, we live in a 50/50 state, so his living and supporting this other woman and household is still affecting my portion of the estate. Should I push to move things along? Is it bad to give your proposal first? Especially knowing that my lawyer wants to do discovery as H has already taken and hidden assets?
The other thing that really bugs me is that STBXH is not coming back to down to finalize moving the rest of the stuff (mostly his) to our storage unit before the house goes on the market. Instead, he's sending our oldest to do it with hired help. I feel like he's just abandoned everything and left the burden on me and our son. He also pulled in our youngest son to do a lot during his final summer before college. Really so thoughtless.
El
Hi El,
Do both S'es sometimes still stay with you, or are they with their Dad and birth mom week/week?
Is this temporary place far from where you currently live? Wasn't is his intention to move far away?
What will happen to the sons then if this is the case?
Especially because they also are aware of their mother's infidelity and that it was why their father divorced her.
Are you sure about this? The reason I ask is that a lot of cheaters over the years spin their story that they were cheated on. It usually goes something like this:
1. Spouse cheats on LBS.
2. LBS gives up and starts dating.
3. Cheating spouse then accuses the LBS of stepping out of the marriage.
4. That becomes their life long narrative.
Now I know your gut reaction to this is going to be "NO, I know for sure she cheated on him!" But that is because that has been the "truth" you have believed for so long. So I am asking you if you know for sure for you to answer here. It doesn't matter to me (or the other posters here). The question is for you to ask yourself. Was he truthful back then? Or was he a lying cheater like he is now?
Hey El,
I just have a few things to touch on. So you can take what I have to say with a grain of salt, but I'm feeling like this is very much a "look at that b!tch over there eating her crackers" kind of update/journal. So there's this meme out in the world where it says something to the effect of:
When you can't stand someone:
Look at that bitch over there eating her crackers With a picture of a person watching another person just sitting there eating lunch not bothering any one or doing anything.
So if you've read through a lot of the stuff on here LBSs go through the stages of grief. We often cycle through them more than once. Some times we move on to a stage and then go through another one all over again. Some times we oscillate there back and forth for a while. A lot of this stuff is your anger talking. It's not logical. Not much of this is something to waste your energy on being angry about. But you're angry. You're pissed at stbxh and here we are. Going forward you may need to sit with these thoughts and ask yourself if all these negative feelings and worries are really worth the time and energy you're spending on them.
That being said:
I have no real idea of what he said to the boys. When I took my time to talk to them about it, all I could do was stress my side of the story (that I love them and plan to go nowhere and that I didn't want this or know about the AP until just before they were told). I believe he also had our younger son stay with 'them' when he was staying in a local AirBnB and I suspect that she was there as well...I really don't know what affect it is having on the boys. They love me, but I have never felt they confide in me like they do their bio parents. So, I'm worried a bit what impact his behavior will have on them and how they view relationships. Especially because they also are aware of their mother's infidelity and that it was why their father divorced her.
First I'm 100% on board with Steve. There are 3 sides to every story, especially in these kind of things. His story, her story, and the truth. The truth devoid of bias and perception usually lies in the middle. Did you ever take the time to get to know stbxh's exW? Did you ever get her side of the story?
Let's just put it this way. My exH thought I was the devil and that I existed to make his life miserable. It took me years of being out of the situation to fully understand my part in our toxicity. Was he toxic? Yes. Was I? Big fat YES. But according to him I was, am and always will be the problem. The ex-gf of his that I adored took the time to get to know me. Took the time to find the truth. She was blessing, and never deserved what my ex did to her.
My current H's ex is also a sh!tshow of blame. She tells anyone who will listen that my H abandoned her. My H stands by the fact that he gave her multiple opportunities to get it together until he come home from work for the thousandth time to find his baby mama out on the town and the little one by my H's mother's house. No job. No cleaning. No cooking. And his mother and grandmother were always taking care of the little one. He threw all her crap on the lawn changed the locks and filed placement and custody paperwork. He got 50/50 and had to pay his ex child support out of the gate because she was already 4 and obviously his income was higher you know compared to 0. They have been contentious since. They put my stepD in the middle. Only in the last year has my H finally understood that playing that game will not win his daughter over. That he has to let his ex do the emotional manipulating that she's going to do and just hope when his D is old enough she'll understand.
The last thing I'm going to say about this, and please understand that this is coming from the place of being a stepmom and a stepchild, why does any of this matter? You have no control over how the boys view you, or the real reason for the divorce. You have no control over how this will affect their relationships in the future. You have no control over if the boys will ever really want to know your side of things. You did what you can do. Remain open to them and their questions. That's it. That's all there is for you to do here. So ask yourself, why you're so concerned about something completely out of your control when you know you've done everything in your power?
We are not even divorced and he's with his other woman
Ok El, I get this hurts, and looks terrible, but once again, does this matter in the long run? You knew what was up. You knew this was a very big likelihood. Are you truly surprised or are you just stewing because you're already mad? Is being mad about this serving you in any way?
Should I push to move things along? Is it bad to give your proposal first? Especially knowing that my lawyer wants to do discovery as H has already taken and hidden assets?
If you want this done there's a good chance you'll have to be the one making moves. But if your attorney is waiting on discovery there isn't much you can do. I would ask how long they plan on waiting for discovery before they file a motion with the court where the court will demand discover from stbxh. Typical discovery demands go out with much court intervention. They really just get a filing. But if it's become and issue the court will order the discovery be turned over and with a deadline. I think you may need to discuss in a little more depth what the plan is here going forward.
The other thing that really bugs me is that STBXH is not coming back to down to finalize moving the rest of the stuff (mostly his) to our storage unit before the house goes on the market. Instead, he's sending our oldest to do it with hired help. I feel like he's just abandoned everything and left the burden on me and our son. He also pulled in our youngest son to do a lot during his final summer before college. Really so thoughtless.
I mean this in the kindest terms possible, why does this matter? He's getting it done. There are so many LBS who have there stbx's showing up and picking up a little here or there. Or not coming at all assuming the LBS will pack the whole house and they just get the stuff right before the closing date on the sale or the lease is up. Do you really want to deal with your stbxh more than you have to? Wouldn't you rather see the kiddo anyway? Your H isn't handling things in the best way. He is dumping his burden on other people. But once again, my dear, you know what's up. You know what you're dealing with. So is it the grown toddler you're dealing with's fault that your angry and frustrated now or is it a little on you for placing your expectations on him?
Even if stbxh was in a normal state of mind and the marriage was just kind of over and you could go forward letting bygones be bygones he was still not going to do things the way you wanted him to, because that's not how humans work. And you're not working with a reasonable person who just fell out of love and wants to move on. You're working with an unreasonable person who IMO has always been kind of unreasonable. He under no circumstances was ever going to do things they way you want or expect. Having expectations for a stbx especially one functioning in emotional crisis, whatever that crisis may be, sets you both up for failure. I've given this same advice a million times. When you have expectations for people when they are like this they are guaranteed to fail and you are guaranteed to be hurt, disappointed or angry. Don't do that to yourself. Having expectations for them serves you in no way. Drop your expectations to the floor and save yourself the angst.
I hope I don't seem to harsh. I really do understand what you're going through. I just know you do have control here, but you're just trying to control all the wrong things. You can only control yourself, your actions, and reactions. Focus on you. It's way past the time for you to seriously center this on you. You're mental health, physical health, financial health, and moving forward are the only things that matter right now.
Especially because they also are aware of their mother's infidelity and that it was why their father divorced her.
Are you sure about this? The reason I ask is that a lot of cheaters over the years spin their story that they were cheated on. It usually goes something like this:
1. Spouse cheats on LBS.
2. LBS gives up and starts dating.
3. Cheating spouse then accuses the LBS of stepping out of the marriage.
4. That becomes their life long narrative.
Now I know your gut reaction to this is going to be "NO, I know for sure she cheated on him!" But that is because that has been the "truth" you have believed for so long. So I am asking you if you know for sure for you to answer here. It doesn't matter to me (or the other posters here). The question is for you to ask yourself. Was he truthful back then? Or was he a lying cheater like he is now?
The line should have read: " So I am asking you if you know for sure for you NOT to answer here.
Hi all...this is why I love this site. So much care and empathy when you need it and also the smack of a 2x4 when you need that too.
Eagle3,
We have had the boys half time (other half is spent with bio-mom). Of course, the oldest has been away part of the time when at college and the younger one is starting that as well now. I do have a room for them to 'come home to' with me if they want to stay with me instead of their moms when they are visiting. At least for now I do, not sure what will be my next place (small apartment or what). As our youngest was still at home and a senior, I did all I could to ensure that his last year of HS and last summer before college was not disrupted by the relationship collapse of us. While dad just did his own thing...
As for the reference of my STBXH's place being temporary, it is. He's not sure of his next landing place (although it will still be in the other state due to his job). So the older son is spending some time at his dads this week, but is trying to decide where we wants to stay for the next few months. He's thinking of learning a trade, so might move where that training is taking place.
My mentioning it was more about how meeting the affair partner so soon affects the kids mentally, more than about my feelings of him visiting there. I read all the time how emotionally damaging it can be. And, through the whole process of our separation, etc, it has been me who is the one worried about the boys having a place outside of their mothers. I also was worried about how all the disruption would impact our younger son...it's already been a hard couple of years for him as a teen with the pandemic.
SteveLW,
I had to laugh when I read your post (as in I've been having thoughts about their R).
It's true, this IS the story I was told. Unfortunately, she has been hostile towards me (us) since the day I was serious with H. If you read back there was major drama there and she caused a lot of stress, drama and court costs in our relationship. BUT. As I have come to identify behaviors that have traumatized me from the last few years, and thought back to incidents in our own relationship...
I am NOW QUESTIONING everything about what I thought I knew. He certainly could have cheated on her...or he certainly could have emotionally traumatized her as well and she sought comfort in an AP. I do know there was an AP and she has been on and off with him since...but I have no way of knowing the truth. He certainly didn't support her when her health was bad, so that is similar. But the story I know is the same story he told everyone. Including his family and friends. Regardless, you are right. I really don't know.
Wow Wayfarer...you knocked me hard with that 2x4, but I DO appreciate it. Who else is going to call me out on my whining?
The last thing I'm going to say about this, and please understand that this is coming from the place of being a stepmom and a stepchild, why does any of this matter? You have no control over how the boys view you, or the real reason for the divorce. You have no control over how this will affect their relationships in the future. You have no control over if the boys will ever really want to know your side of things. You did what you can do. Remain open to them and their questions. That's it. That's all there is for you to do here. So ask yourself, why you're so concerned about something completely out of your control when you know you've done everything in your power?
I guess for me, I always felt (based on what I knew) that H and I had a generally 'normal' relationship and how that was a guiding light to our boys away from CRAZY. I have read how no matter how dysfunctional a parent is, the contrast between the 'sane' or more 'normal' parent and the dysfunctional one would help make the differences obvious and the kids would be drawn to the 'more sane or normal' behaviors instead of inheriting the dysfunctional ones (by not knowing any better). So, for ten years I've been doing my best to be the best bonus parent I could be and worrying about these things (along with H as well). Their bio-mom is not emotionally stable and a bit crazy (their words not just mine). And they haven't always wanted to stay with her. And now, look, H is dysfunctional too. So I guess it's just hard for me to turn that off. Like, yeah, maybe it's not appropriate that I feel like it's my responsibility. But I do. They are the only kids I will ever have and I love them fiercely. What I can and cannot control with that relationship has always been so hard for me. So this is where a lot of that frustration, anger, need, etc, is coming from. And yeah, I was a step-kid too. And I have a bigger connection with my step-dad then my bio one. So yeah, it is true I really have no decision-making control over what will actually happen, but I guess I am still trying to dance around and do things to help or influence a better outcome for them.
He under no circumstances was ever going to do things they way you want or expect. Having expectations for a stbx especially one functioning in emotional crisis, whatever that crisis may be, sets you both up for failure. I've given this same advice a million times. When you have expectations for people when they are like this they are guaranteed to fail and you are guaranteed to be hurt, disappointed or angry. Don't do that to yourself. Having expectations for them serves you in no way. Drop your expectations to the floor and save yourself the angst.
You're pissed at stbxh and here we are. Going forward you may need to sit with these thoughts and ask yourself if all these negative feelings and worries are really worth the time and energy you're spending on them.
Bam Bam 2x4 again...
Yes, I'm whining. Yes, I am still processing it all and I am obviously angry. I really have hit a low point of exhaustion. I am tired of having to carry the load for others. I feel taken advantage of by my previous H and my current one. I'm angry and sick of it. And I have been taking a PTSD/betrayal trauma course and I am realizing the mind games that have been played on me. So I think the new insights into my skewed past reality, and also the level of mental and physical exhaustion I am under, is throwing me back into an angry and depressed state. Yes, I obviously was not successful in enforcing my boundaries (I need growth there for sure) and yeah, you let people treat you the they treat you, etc. But I am realizing that many patterns of emotional abuse has occurred in this relationship of which I was not truly aware. I've been carrying the load because of the emotional games played on me and the skewed reality I was trying to function in. The blinders are off now. And yea, I am struggling to manage the overwhelming feelings of "how did I let all this happen and why didn't I see it for what it was"? I saw myself as an extremely smart and logical person. How was I so completely duped?
I hope I don't seem to harsh. I really do understand what you're going through. I just know you do have control here, but you're just trying to control all the wrong things. You can only control yourself, your actions, and reactions. Focus on you. It's way past the time for you to seriously center this on you. You're mental health, physical health, financial health, and moving forward are the only things that matter right now.
I am trying...truly I am. I am proud of how far I have come. I'm doing as much as I can to work through and process all of this and move forward. But I guess the realization that much of the way I was treated in this relationship was truly emotionally abusive has set me back a bit. I'm sort of questioning my whole reality and where I am really at emotionally. What from my past can I trust? Can I even trust my own decision making? My head says logical things, but the dreams, the tension in my body, the anxiety, etc. isn't in sync. I want to run away this time and I am angry that I can't because H is the only other person who can take care of this last push on house stuff and he's not doing it. So yes, I'm angry and doing it anyway, even though yes, I knew this would happen...or better yet, that it wouldn't happen the way I wanted/needed it too.
As for the OW...I honestly do not feel anything towards her other than some pity. I mean, she has no idea of what she has gotten herself into. I've stopped looking at her accounts and honestly never really feel anything about her. This didn't happen because of her. She is nothing to me. My feelings and anger are all aimed at STBXH and for concern for our/my kids metal state as a result of H's behavior.
I'm sorry if I sound like I'm just whining some more. I really am trying. I have overwhelming feelings right now of just quitting my job and taking a six-month sabbatical. That's the level of drowning I feel right now.
I am QUESTIONING everything about what I thought I knew. I am usually not a 'runner'...and I won't kill myself...but I certainly just want this all to go away. I know that I am not the only one on this forum who feels that way...
Thank you for listening, and for pushing me in the right direction and pointing out what is not worth doing, but also empathizing with me while I am stuck for the moment. I am trying to work my way back up to being strong, positive and sure of myself.
xo,
El
Dear EL,
First of all, you are not whining, you are processing and the purpose of this forum is to let it all out. What you think, how you feel, so please don't apologize for that.
You are someone who kept yourself incredibly strong the first months after BD, I still remember that very well. I was always amazed of how you could still be so positive about everyhting.
I surely couldn't do that in the beginning.
But frankly, there is no person who can keep this up. You are simply somebody who was knocked down by it later than others.
And that's okay, be mad at him, at what he's done to you, what he's doing to his children.
Wayfarer and SteveLW have also had this period for sure, and they want to help by leading you in the right direction, but you are not ready for that yet. Their advice though is absolutely correct and step by step you will get there. (but in the meantime you'll still get knocked down 100 times...)
Believe me, you'll find it. It took me two years to get there but I managed, you will get there as well. With lot's of love and support from all of us xxx
Hey there,
I am trying to catch up a bit. What a mess. Ugh. I am so sorry. Again, Wayfarer spits more genius. I don't claim to have any great advice, I just wanted to say hello to you and validate your frustrations and feelings. What a friggin jerk!
I am not going to say that you are bitter or scorned by his A, but I can tell you that I absolutely was! For a long time. And even after my H dumped X-OW, I remained that way to some extent for years. And it didn't just turn off one day and I didn't have this ability to rise above it, even though I felt as if I should. It was serious trauma and even with all the work, therapy and self care, it still just needed time. So I do not see you as whining and I completely empathize with how hurt and angry you feel. It is completely unfair. That is the part that you cannot change and that makes us feel so, so powerless. Some people here try and compare their sitches and give advice, but being left by your spouse for another person -- I mean full blown A, they pick up and leave you and go off with that person -- is a trauma far greater than many can ever know!
Also, I think the trauma is not only from the betrayal of being left for OW. I see you questioning everything that you thought you knew about your life and yourself. When our entire life is turned upside down and taken away from us, it changes everything and we question what we thought we ever knew. And what we thought we knew about ourselves and our identity. Again, not just some EAs and marital rift. It is TRAUMA. But, the good news is, this is the part (perception of reality) you can change. As you begin to heal, you can continue to change the way you see your history, relationships and what happened. Over time, you may actually feel better about how you see things. Why? Because you are not still with a person that would do this and traumatize you. He also has a history of failed Ms now and that speaks volumes to his character. You might not be there yet and that is okay, but you will some day. Have you read DejaVu's story from the beginning?
I have done a lot of this healing over the years and in some way I am grateful for it. I will never say that I am glad my H had an A and left me OW! I will say, I am glad that things finally exploded and we were forced to pick up all the pieces. It has taken me many years to be able to see that things were not healthy in our M and it was not working. Sometimes when you step out of something you begin to see it more clearly. Because of the work I have done in the last several years, I have learned to like (and love) myself so much more now. I don't like who I was in that M before. I also don't like who he was -- a troubled person that would do that to his W and family.
One might think this is easier for me to say from where I sit, having had my H come back. I am not sure if that is true. Maybe. I had to swallow my pride and be the woman that took back a cheating POS. That was not easy. I also had to heal my own trauma while simultaneously put back together a broken M. It took many, many years. But the thing is, my H was willing to suck up his own ego and do that hard work. You don't want a guy that isn't willing. He will most likely F-up this next R with this OW also. Give it a few years. And what a role model for his two sons (shakes head). I pity these kind of people now.
I think it is wonderful that you are maintaining a nice R with your step Ss. My step-dad was an incredible man and while he died young, I will never forget how wonderful he was. He played a different role in my life, but one that was just as valuable as my own (chaotic) mom and dad. He was the one that was calm, available and easiest to confide in. Continue to nurture those relationships because those two young men know their truth.
I guess overall what I am saying is it is perfectly okay with me to be p1ssed off for as long as you need to. For some of us the healing takes a long time to begin. But I do believe in time, you can really gain something incredible from this. You can grow into a better person as you heal your own traumas and reflect on what happened with a new lens. As you begin to recover, you will naturally attract more quality people and Rs into your life. That will be another silver lining to come.
Blu
Hi El.
I’ve been reading some of your posts and just want to lend you my support. Not that long ago, I was where you are. My H (now XH) recently married OW and even had our kids in the wedding party, if you can believe it. Anyway… that was my WORST fear…that he would marry the person he cheated on me with. I imagined back then that I would be absolutely devastated by it. Fast forward three years and it barely even registered with me. Honestly…I actually could not have cared less.
Needless to say, I am not the same person I was - I see things very differently now. I know I wasn’t a perfect person in my marriage, no one is, but I did not deserve to be treated the way I was and neither do you. As Blu said, once you have recovered… and you WILL recover… you will have gained something from this. You will look back on it and realize how much you have grown as a person and, strangely enough, you may even be glad it happened. I know I am. I am happier. I have had many good things happen to me that likely would not have happened if I was still married. I also have more friends than I did before and I am STRONG… so much stronger than I ever realized I could be.
I know how hard this is El. I know that this is not the life you planned and it is unbelievably unfair your H has seemingly gotten away with such brutal behaviour. Notice I say seemingly? I say that because if there is one thing I am sure of, it is that there is such a thing as karma and that you get back what you give. I also believe that the ultimate revenge is a life well-lived so that is what I focus my time and energy on…building a great life for me and my kids. Hang in there El. It will get better. (((HUGS)))
Hi E,
I just had a couple of thoughts I wanted to share. First, Wayfarer is my hero but I am not in her league in terms of zen ability, so from my perspective yes, of course aspire to let it go and get beyond BUT it is also absolutely okay to be angry. Be as angry as you want to be! I shoved that anger down for a loooooong time and then it was almost overwhelming to me when it finally erupted. And it still isn't gone. It is totally natural to be angry in your situation. What your H did is unfair and wrong and the idea of that bItch eating her GD crackers while playing house with your H and kids.... of course it hurts and is infuriating at the same time. I'd be furious too. Don't apologize or feel badly that you aren't over your anger yet. It has its time and then you can let it go once it has done its part for you. I don't know how easy it is to find old threads, but AlisonUK who was posting here a lot a couple of years ago talked a lot about how she finally saw her anger as a protective force for her, it helped her see more clearly, helped her set appropriate boundaries, and she stopped feeling guilty about being mad.
I got a punching bag (cheap one on Amazon) and punched the cr@p out of it for a few months. it was great. I might recommend channeling your anger into something like that, or writing a letter that you won't send, or any of a million other things you can do to let yourself be angry, but get it out and then be able to focus your attention elsewhere, ideally on something positive for you.
I also want to say I understand exactly what you mean about losing your faith in your own gut and your own decision making. Being lied to, gaslit, and betrayed will do that. I was talking to a good friend the other day, my only friend IRL who knows about the A, who also was cheated on (her H left her for the OW, he was really horrible). She said she still struggles with this to some degree but it gets better. She has learned to identify when it is the fear and uncertainty speaking and to just wait that through until they subside and she can better focus on her own intuition and logic. I don't know how long this process takes or if you can speed it up. I struggle with this too. But you have been so incredibly strong through all of this and I know you'll emerge even stronger and happier on the other side.
xoxo May
El,
It was not whining in any way. Just so we're very clear. You are stressed to the max, and tired. I can see that. But that's when we tend to lose our path, progress and frankly control. I just wanted to give you a nudge back in that direction, because you are not the kind of person something like this beats down. You are the kind of person who will survive, strive and then thrive after this.
May is right, anger is good, especially in keeping you safe. So just to clear things up again. I'm not say wooosahh your way to spiritual enlightenment, because you are beyond anger. I'm just saying, be angry for the things that H took from you. Like you're concept of self. Or the ability to sit down and relax for one GD second. Or the how he's taken absolutely no consideration for his children in this. But don't waste that precious little energy you have left trying to end this chapter and start the next being angry about things that you can't fix (like the future relationships of your stepsons) or about things you probable should accept a tiny bit of blame for (like expectations.)
H is a piece of work, and is putting you through the ringer. You deserve your anger. Just don't get twisted in details, or wander off into silly corners that are a waste of your mental and emotional energy to dig your way out of. Get angry and things that deserve that kind of emotional labor.
Next if you read through, which I know you have, a lot of LBWs are not timid little mouse women, who were scooped up by they're high school sweetheart before they had time to really get to figure out who they were and by the time they started to figure it out their husband ditched them with 3 kids for a younger version of themselves. Most of us are really bright, and really self possessed, and really should've known better or done better or picked better. But we didn't.
Everyone who goes through this goes though the kind of existential crisis you're facing. Who am I if this could happen? Who am I if this is my life now? Who am I if I allowed WAS/WS do these things to me? Why did I take this for so long? Why aren't I good enough? Why aren't I enough? How could I let myself end up here? Why didn't I know better? On and on. You have had your life ripped out from under you. You are in the ugly part of a novel where there's just a blank page and then it says "Part III: Post Divorce- Starting Fresh; Chapter 12...."There's a reason they skip over this part. One because it's boring, no one wants to read about painting walls, and packing boxes, checking in with attorneys and stagnant legal processes. The other part is this is just a little too much character development in too short of a period of time to be believable.
You are who you've always been. And you are the person you've always wanted to become. When you're sitting in that anger of yours thinking about all that stbxh has taken from you, focus in on the parts of yourself that were robbed or compromised to keep him happy, to keep him quiet, to keep him off your back, or just general to keep him. Think about all the times you've been happiest in your life. Who were you then? What about her do you miss? Think about all the things you've always wanted to be or do and have had to put on the back burned because it didn't fit into your old life, or the old version of yourself. H may have taken a lot from you, but he didn't take who you are at your core and he didn't take your future.
Dear Eagle3 and BluWave,
First of all, you are not whining, you are processing and the purpose of this forum is to let it all out. What you think, how you feel, so please don't apologize for that.
You are someone who kept yourself incredibly strong the first months after BD, I still remember that very well. I was always amazed of how you could still be so positive about everyhting.
I surely couldn't do that in the beginning.
But frankly, there is no person who can keep this up. You are simply somebody who was knocked down by it later than others.
And that's okay, be mad at him, at what he's done to you, what he's doing to his children.
Okay, thanks. It does mean a lot to be able to just get it all out here. I am trying to process and be productive, but sometimes I'm just mad and have to get it all out you know?
I am not going to say that you are bitter or scorned by his A, but I can tell you that I absolutely was! For a long time. And even after my H dumped X-OW, I remained that way to some extent for years. And it didn't just turn off one day and I didn't have this ability to rise above it, even though I felt as if I should. It was serious trauma and even with all the work, therapy and self care, it still just needed time. So I do not see you as whining and I completely empathize with how hurt and angry you feel. It is completely unfair. That is the part that you cannot change and that makes us feel so, so powerless. Some people here try and compare their sitches and give advice, but being left by your spouse for another person -- I mean full blown A, they pick up and leave you and go off with that person -- is a trauma far greater than many can ever know!
Also, I think the trauma is not only from the betrayal of being left for OW. I see you questioning everything that you thought you knew about your life and yourself. When our entire life is turned upside down and taken away from us, it changes everything and we question what we thought we ever knew. And what we thought we knew about ourselves and our identity. Again, not just some EAs and marital rift. It is TRAUMA. But, the good news is, this is the part (perception of reality) you can change. As you begin to heal, you can continue to change the way you see your history, relationships and what happened. Over time, you may actually feel better about how you see things. Why? Because you are not still with a person that would do this and traumatize you. He also has a history of failed Ms now and that speaks volumes to his character. You might not be there yet and that is okay, but you will some day. Have you read DejaVu's story from the beginning?
I do feel like I was doing so well, but I think it's because much of what I had been studying was based on DB'ing or future relationship improvements, processing MLC, improving myself, etc. So in short, I wasn't really examining the past relationship. I mean, I pretty much thought I knew what happened. It was only when I started to realize that I still wasn't feeling the way I felt logically I should (flashbacks, anxiety, trouble sleeping, numbness). It was actually some Instagram posts from others that had me taking the time to really think back to different events in my last few years, the more I realized that there was so many things I had not processed or understood. Many trauma posts rang true to me. Definitions of gaslighting and other mental abuse rang true. You don't know what you don't know. I'm not one that has had many relationships.
You describe my feelings very well Blu. It's overwhelming. I think I'd feel more resentment towards the OW if I felt she was a normal person and I could see why he'd fall for her. But she is very strange and nothing about her makes any sense. So to me she is just being used by my STBXH. So yeah, they connected over past history, but I don't see this one lasting. Regardless, it's my H that has done it all. He's the one who made the decisions he did and he's the one who treated me the way he did. So my anger is aimed at him. And a bit at myself. Sure, I was super curious about her and followed her social for a while...and it was entertaining because she is a bit whack, but now I just pity her...she has no idea of who she just blew up her family for.
I do know I will keep putting one foot in front of the other to work towards healing from this. I want a better future and I will do what it takes to get there. But, boy the recent revelations have thrown me for a loop. It's more processing and stepping back. But that is okay as long as I don't get stuck here.
Thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate them so much.
El
Hello DejaVu6 and May22,
DejaVu6 I can't imagine what that must have been like. I'm sure I'll feel something if that happens in my sitch, but I also feel like it's a train wreck waiting to happen. I also believe in Karma. And I try to focus on me and not interact with STBXH with anger as I know it won't help me as well as Karma has a great way of doing it's job. It's my goal to be where you are now. It's inspiring to hear you are living and building a great life for you and your kids now! Thanks for your words and encouragement. ((hugs back))
Wayfarer is also a hero to me. RAISED HANDS. But May, I know from reading your sitch that anger has been a struggle for you too...and reading yours and Wayfarer's story have helped me so much. I've not read AlisonUK's sitch yet. I'm really behind with all that has been happening with work and getting the house finalized for sale without the STBXH's help. Writing a letter might really be helpful. I've been trying to do the journal, but that too has been pushed aside. But yes, that would be more me than punching a bag. But I get why you might like it!
I believe strongly that I will need to work on trusting my gut instincts again with therapy. I know that I'll need to work on this, better boundaries, as well as just overall trauma healing. First order of business when the house sells and my schedule opens up in the next month is to find a good trauma counselor. The PTSD program I started on my week off was a good start thought but not enough.
Thank you both for your encouragement and sharing your ideas and feelings. It means a lot. Even just to be heard and understood...and it also helps to be pushed forward. So thank you!
xo
El
Wayfarer,
I hope I didn't sound offended, because I certainly am not. I realize you are pushing me forward and I need it and I want it every time you see that I need a push or a 2x4. And to me if my post is that long, I feel like I'm whining. But okay, I'm venting!
It was not whining in any way. Just so we're very clear. You are stressed to the max, and tired. I can see that. But that's when we tend to lose our path, progress and frankly control. I just wanted to give you a nudge back in that direction, because you are not the kind of person something like this beats down. You are the kind of person who will survive, strive and then thrive after this.
May is right, anger is good, especially in keeping you safe. So just to clear things up again. I'm not say wooosahh your way to spiritual enlightenment, because you are beyond anger. I'm just saying, be angry for the things that H took from you. Like you're concept of self. Or the ability to sit down and relax for one GD second. Or the how he's taken absolutely no consideration for his children in this. But don't waste that precious little energy you have left trying to end this chapter and start the next being angry about things that you can't fix (like the future relationships of your stepsons) or about things you probable should accept a tiny bit of blame for (like expectations.)
I do feel I am angry about the things he took from me, his lack of support now, etc. The kids, well, that is another area I just need to figure out on my own and try to keep him separate from it. And I am doing my best to not let the anger block me. I am feeling it, but I am also looking for all the ways to grow and learn from it. That's the goal anyway...including the anger at myself for putting up with what I did and yes, my expectations.
Stating that truth "Most of us are really bright, and really self possessed, and really should've known better or done better or picked better. But we didn't." helps me to feel less alone...and you are right. I admire the strength I see in all the women (and men) on this site.
Everyone who goes through this goes though the kind of existential crisis you're facing. Who am I if this could happen? Who am I if this is my life now? Who am I if I allowed WAS/WS do these things to me? Why did I take this for so long? Why aren't I good enough? Why aren't I enough? How could I let myself end up here? Why didn't I know better? On and on. You have had your life ripped out from under you. You are in the ugly part of a novel where there's just a blank page and then it says "Part III: Post Divorce- Starting Fresh; Chapter 12...."There's a reason they skip over this part. One because it's boring, no one wants to read about painting walls, and packing boxes, checking in with attorneys and stagnant legal processes. The other part is this is just a little too much character development in too short of a period of time to be believable.
OMG, so true.
You are who you've always been. And you are the person you've always wanted to become. When you're sitting in that anger of yours thinking about all that stbxh has taken from you, focus in on the parts of yourself that were robbed or compromised to keep him happy, to keep him quiet, to keep him off your back, or just general to keep him. Think about all the times you've been happiest in your life. Who were you then? What about her do you miss? Think about all the things you've always wanted to be or do and have had to put on the back burned because it didn't fit into your old life, or the old version of yourself. H may have taken a lot from you, but he didn't take who you are at your core and he didn't take your future.
^^THIS!^^ I think I will print this paragraph and paste it to my mirror.
El
That’s the spirit El!! That paragraph by Wayfarer really resonated with me as well. Funny you should say that about putting it on your mirror. When I was still really struggling with things, I had about a dozen or so sticky notes with inspirational quotes and personal goals stuck to my mirror. I’d read them every morning before I went to work. I also had a mantra that was introduced to me by DnJ…the ever popular “choose better not bitter”. I said that over and over to myself countless times. I also wrote some on a list in my phone so I could read them throughout the day when I found myself going down a negative path. It really helped me to stay on track.
Some of my faves…
“It is truly a frightening thing to face, see, and embrace the unknown, but you can do this. all it takes is opening your mind and heart to the vast and endless possibilities of what you can become within yourself.”
“He REPRESENTS stability, validation, and a resumption of your ability to have control over your future. That is really what you want, you want what he represents to you based on where you are right now. Step back and realize he is NOT those things.”
“Boundaries are the first line of defence to preserve your self respect.”
“Acceptance, forgiveness and healing are required in order to become completely whole within yourself.”
Hopefully these will help you too. (((HUGS)))
Thanks DejaVu6.
These are wonderful! I've added them to the list and will look them over every time I need a push in the right direction away from my anger.
El
An update.
Spent most of the weekend on house sale preparations. STBXH has not been here, but did have our son move some of his stuff to storage for him. However, I had to pay the handyman to help me to move the rest of his stuff out of the home and into the garage to deal with later.
Our older son wanted to do some work for pay so I had him help the handyman to do some yard cleanup. While they were chatting, he asked my son what he thought of his 'new step-mom' referring to the other woman that is living with his dad. It appears our son was annoyed by her. It appears that she was making sexual innuendos about his dad and our son wasn't very comfortable with that. And this is a woman is supposed to be a pastor and spiritual advisor. Appears she even apologized for her behavior before he left. I'm not really sure if she sensed he was uncomfortable with her behavior or he actually said something to her about it. He is usually pretty vocal, so I'm guessing he said something or a snide response. But just WOW. How inappropriate. I mean, hell, she played her part in destroying two families (hers and ours) and she is joking about her relations with his dad. Just wow. Not sure if my STBXH knew about this or not. I've not had a talk with our son about her or this event yet. I feel weird asking or bringing it up. But now I may need to see if he is okay mentally after that. He is over 20 now, but he is still a kid. I knew she was a bit whack, but I didn't expect to hear something like this. Should I ask or should it be up to him at this age to decide on the relationships he wants to have and only talk about it if he brings it up to me directly?
Otherwise, I'm still struggling. I've been kind of numb and feeling a bit lost. I'm just so tired and just ready to have the house sold already so that I can get closer to moving on with my life. I've not had enough time for self care or the counseling I want to do. And I know I need to work on things to heal. But I'm just so tired. Between the house stuff and extra work right now, I'm just exhausted. Still no word on the job front, so I do feel dragged along there too. Everything feels so overwhelming at the moment, in my life and in the world. I keep telling myself it will get better.
One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.
El
Hey El,
I know you're exhausted and stretched to the limit mentally and physically. But is there any time at you can take for a reset. Just a break. Something that isn't divorce related for a few hours or a day or overnight if you can swing it. I feel like you're drowning in this and having a hard time grounding yourself. This is all very hard, and stressful, but it seems to be kind of all consuming for you right now. Are you doing any GAL? Self care? Are you carving even a small amount of time out to do things just for you?
Next, I'm going to say this as kindly as I can because I know a lot of this is coming from a place of exhaustion, stress, and frustration. You gotta start minding your own business. Honey, there is always going to be stbxh gossip. There is always going to be another crazy chapter in this story until he can get his crazy in check. Ok so OW is having her own MLC. We see that here a lot with WAW/WWs. Prissy, sweet, diminutive wives become rock stars and groupies rolled into one over night. I imagine it's not that far of a venture for a spiritual, god fearing woman to go down the same road. The fact is though, who cares?
Ok it made S20 uncomfortable. You said he's vocal. Sounds like he spoke his mind. He got an apology. So it's done and over. What's there to concern yourself with? Yes he is 20 and 20 isn't as much of a man as some people would like to think, he is a kid, but he's not an actual child. He knows what sex is. He knows his dad is on some sh!t right now. He knows what he is and isn't willing to put up with, clearly. You need to start leaving this stuff alone. There may come a time when S20 wants to unload all of this and more on you because you seem like the only person who's going to understand. There may not. Don't involve yourself in things that have nothing to do with you. That's step parent 101. That's also not my circus, not my monkeys 101.
You my dear are wasting precious bandwidth and energy worrying a whole h3ll of a lot about your stbxh yet here you are drowning in your own stress levels and things to do. All of that, every single little bit of that needs to be refocused on you. You would have 20-30 min of self care time to squeeze in here or there if you were pushing your exhaustion to new heights focusing what little mental energy you have worrying about OW and stbxh. Yes, I do know you genuinely are worried about those boys. I know you are genuinely concerned about how all of this is affecting them. But is that really what all this is about, because based on your recent posts it's not. You're trying to control the uncontrollable. Control what you can, namely, what can you do to bring those stress levels down a little?
El, you got this in the bag. You're so close to the finish line with the heavy lifting portion of this. You can do this, you just really need to focus on you, your needs, and your mental health.
Good Morning El
OW’s behaviour is following the well worn path of these folks. Her behaviour sounds just like what you’d expect from someone who had a part in blowing up so many lives and families. She is most likely in a crisis herself, as emotionally healthy people do not do what she and H have done.
Her sexual innuendos are rather standard for these crisis individuals. My XW flaunted her affair, told me and son about her first sexual time with OM - yes told us, in my house, in front of son.
Those consumed by emotional turmoil are dragged back in time and relive events from that period. They are basically their younger adolescence rebellious self, just worse. OW is flaunting, trying to shock, and trying to get approval, all in a mixed up way and while running from whatever trauma(s) drove her to this in the first place.
Her and H are two train wrecks. Ones you need not watch.
Of course at times certain events come front and center and you will be required to deal with things. Otherwise, focus on you, and leave the crazy to the crazy folks.
Regarding S20, let it lay for now. You focus and strengthen your relationship with him. When he does want to talk, be open and honest.
It sounds like you overheard son’s answer to handyman’s question. If you were right there. And son said stuff directly with you present. That’s more of an opening for discussion. Let it lay.
Don’t be too worried about son’s mental health regarding these innuendos. All kids get weirded out when “old” parents talk about their sex lives. Even loving devoted parents. Lol.
Otherwise, I'm still struggling. I've been kind of numb and feeling a bit lost. I'm just so tired and just ready to have the house sold already so that I can get closer to moving on with my life. I've not had enough time for self care or the counseling I want to do. And I know I need to work on things to heal. But I'm just so tired. Between the house stuff and extra work right now, I'm just exhausted. Still no word on the job front, so I do feel dragged along there too. Everything feels so overwhelming at the moment, in my life and in the world. I keep telling myself it will get better.
(((Hugs)))
There is a bit of a desert to walk through. A limbo of sorts. It takes time.
Focus on you. Do the inner work. Find and craft your beliefs and convictions. Carve out some “me” time. Go for a walk. Watch a show. Read a book. Something to shift your focus and give your mind something else to ponder for a bit. And by the way, I remember just how hard that is.
You will get through the desert of grief, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
You are doing fine.
D
Otherwise, I'm still struggling. I've been kind of numb and feeling a bit lost. I'm just so tired and just ready to have the house sold already so that I can get closer to moving on with my life. I've not had enough time for self care or the counseling I want to do. And I know I need to work on things to heal. But I'm just so tired. Between the house stuff and extra work right now, I'm just exhausted. Still no word on the job front, so I do feel dragged along there too. Everything feels so overwhelming at the moment, in my life and in the world. I keep telling myself it will get better.
El, thanks for the honest, frank update. I feel that a lot of LBSs here do themselves a disservice by putting on a "I am doing great!" front. It is okay to struggle. It is ok to have fear, anxiety, sadness, grief over the end of the MR. What it is NOT okay to do is to not do anything about it. I know you were really busy with things over the last few months, but a that transitions into less activity, you have to find ways to cope. Counseling, support groups, ladies group activities (not sure if you are a member of a church but it is a great resource!), etc. Staying busy is the key. You were busy through the move, etc, but do not just sit and stew. We've seen LBSs that do that and all it does is prolong the struggle.
Hello friends... Just a quick update in case you thought I hurt myself or something...as I've been offline for a very long time now.
It's been crazy busy with the house sale. We are accepting the offers by tomorrow and reviewing early ones. That whole process was mostly on me and I'm exhausted by it. At the same time, workload at work for me has tripled as we are getting close to a new product release and are still very short handed. So I've been working long days. They have also still not offered me any solid job details either. In fact, now they want an in-depth resume to express what I do for the company in deep detail as well as what other skills I offer. Like I have time for that too? But I guess the company that acquired us really doesn't know all that I do, so I get it. Or maybe it's just another stalling tactic.
In short, I've had very little time for self care, and for me it's mostly been disconnecting by watching videos or anything that allows me not to feel or think.
Emotionally, I'm struggling, but I am trying to focus on the positives and the fact that this house sale is another step in getting my life under my control and also more time for healing and growth.
So, I'm hanging in there...and I did read all your recent messages and I appreciate them. More than you will ever know. I will respond to them in more detail soon. And I have a lot of catching up in reviewing where you all are at as well...
Until then...
((Hugs))
El
Hi Elbereth, so nice to hear from you even if life is hectic. ((Hugs)) Looking forward to your next update where you sell the house or get a work bonus and are catching us up while drinking Mai Tai's on some Hawaiian island.
Elbereth,
It's been crazy busy with the house sale. We are accepting the offers by tomorrow and reviewing early ones. That whole process was mostly on me and I'm exhausted by it.
It must be a lot to deal with to prep the house, especially considering the emotion aspect of your entire sitch. Hang in there. It's tough now I'm sure, but perhaps when it's finalized it'll help you process through and get some sort of closure.
At the same time, workload at work for me has tripled as we are getting close to a new product release and are still very short handed. So I've been working long days. They have also still not offered me any solid job details either. In fact, now they want an in-depth resume to express what I do for the company in deep detail as well as what other skills I offer. Like I have time for that too? But I guess the company that acquired us really doesn't know all that I do, so I get it. Or maybe it's just another stalling tactic.
Sometimes my managers have reached out to me to help them quantify my impact or list my responsibilities in order to help them justify an award or salary raise or level promotion. HR sometimes has policies and inputs on the process which managers can't always answer on their own and the easiest answer is to ask the employee. As a manager I've done that at times with my employees. So...not saying that IS the case, but it MAY be that their ask is actually a good sign.
In short, I've had very little time for self care, and for me it's mostly been disconnecting by watching videos or anything that allows me not to feel or think.
Emotionally, I'm struggling, but I am trying to focus on the positives and the fact that this house sale is another step in getting my life under my control and also more time for healing and growth.
Sorry to hear that. Hang in there. Do want you can for yourself. Hopefully when you get through the house process it'll free up some time to work on you.
Thanks for the update El. Hope things calm down soon and you can focus on some self care. (((HUGS)))
Started a new thread over on the Surviving the Big D forum:
Create the life...See you on the other side...
El