Link to last thread
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2917074&page=11So just an update. I Helped my in-laws move furniature over to AZ this past couple days, They were very greatful for that, and for all they do for my kids it was the least I could do. During this time WW was there along with my kids, her parents and sister and BIL. I didnt say much to WW and just focused on moving the things and my kids, slept in seperate rooms, just tried to be happy. This was sort of the last encounter that I needed to deal with as far as my WW and IL's. I know you guys would tell me not to have moved the furniature for them but I did it for my IL's not WW. And I made that very clear.
Whilst on this little move thing everyone was sitting outside and they essentially began to rip into WW. Her sister just let her have it about how stupid she is being and throwing her life away, they looked over at me and i just continued smoking my cigarette and shrugged. Not even getting involved in it kinda attitude. But the WW goes and tells me "relax everyone, im just taking a break from my marriage" Her sister looked at me and said something in their language to me, and I just nodded no. She pushed more and I couldnt hold it back.. I was 5 feet away and chuckled at that. WW says what? whats so funny? I replied with, "there are no breaks in a marriage" Then her sister continued to lay into her about how she is lying to all of us and shes being stupid and could easily have her own "me" time even in her M... once again I couldnt hold it back and I dont even care at this point about saving the M so I said my peace I said "its not about me time, im not controlling at all, its about seeing other men, getting attention from other men, and that is what hurts me the most, because you shouldnt need that, you are better than that" and WW went into a fit, she said "im not Fing anyone" and then went on to say "we are getting divorced so its whatever" then I once again laughed and said "thought you were on a break? you just said that" with a smirk... I wanted to just walk away but It felt good for her to be called out in front of all the people shes been lying to. She made a disrespectful comment toward me about how I wouldnt drop the issue so I said "you guys brought it up, i was just smokin" then I said "honesly I will take the kids and go if your gonna be disrespectful to me" she said "if you leave you will never see me again I swear" and I just rolled my eyes and said .. whatever dude... and went inside.
Later on she came around and apologized, said she isnt going anywhere, that she knows im in her future and that she just needs time alone to figure herself out because she doesnt want to come back to the M and bail again later or hurt me until she is ready. So I took that with a grain of salt and said, "seems like you got a lot on your mind, im gonna lay down, hope you figure it out" I did take my kids and go back 6 hours home. Took care of them and she thanked me like 100 times. Havent said anything since then and I dont plan on it. I didnt force this interaction but I looked it in the face and said my peace right or wrong I said it in a respectful but no-nonsense kind of way. I dont feel bad about that.
Other than that Ive been doing good, hitting gym, taking care of business, helping 2 friends get ready for nursing school.
I also signed up for a class in june to get IV and blood draw certification on my license. Im staying busy. It was the right thing to do to help my IL's move, I did not intend to get caught in that argument but it happened, now WW wants to act like this is all an innocent temporary thing. Yeah no its not, there will be a next OM. Im not stupid. I will continue to move forward regardless of what she does.
So Steve I think it is ok you helped your ILs move but what do you think you accomplished with those exchanges?
You continue to look weak waiting for your W to sew 1,000 oats.
Eventually she will find someone new. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in awhile.
I agree with you saying we will say you shouldn't have helped. I think this is all part of your anxious attachment.
Not really concerned about the back and forth once you were there, that will happen in these cases. I think you would have been better off just letting your SiL fight the battle for you.
Steve_ I do have to take you to a bit of task. I have been after you to get into proper IC. You've resisted. Part of your problem with it has been cost (getting VA approval). Yet you smoke. I bet you could quit smoking (I know it is harder for some than others, I was able to quit relatively easily years ago, but have a long time friend that has smoked for 40 years), get into IC and save money!
Hopefully this is the last time you put yourself into a situation like this. I would have loved for you to have brought it here before going to help but then we know why you didn't do that.
yeah I know LH,
Im expecting her to find a new OM if she doesnt already have 1 or 2 she is hiding. At this point there really is nothing to do but move forward regardless of what she does or does not do.
Steve_, if I haven't said this, I want to sincerely thank you for your service. I know you've talked about having to witness things you have in your tour(s) of duty. You are a true hero and I thank you for answering the call and volunteering to serve your country. I hope you will do your kids the favor you owe them and get yourself as mentally healthy as possible. My step FiL was in Vietnam and he and his kids, and to a lesser extent my W, still bear some of the scars of his service there. I pray you will reconsider getting the therapy you need to be the best you can be for your kids and for yourself!
SteveLW
Yes I didnt mention it here because I made the choice to help my IL's move regardless of what anyone says. These people have supported us for 11 years, they bought a house for us to live in twice, they care for my kids 4 days a week while WW is out galavanting. I was not going to not help them.
I dont smoke regularly, and I am doing counseling with the VA. I just talked to the guy 2 days ago. He decreased my anti-depressant dose as well. Im going to be honest and be straight up, I have hope my WW can change and turn herself around, for the sake of my family and the fact that she is a very special woman but so naive to men befriending her. She get sucked into the attention game and throws logic to the wayside. I know that most likely will be her lifetime personality but I hold a small hope that will change. My only big difference is that now I do nothing to try to change it, no R talks, no gifts, no anything. I am letting her do whatever the hell she wants and leaving her alone. All the judgment and feedback comes from her own family, I keep quiet, care for my kids and work, thats it. Since easter thats been all I do plain and simple. I did tell her that the friend thing isnt gonna work for me and that I deserve better than that. She said "I know" and its been good between us but I am just tired of being plan Z. Im not ready to make some big push or anything to end our legal marraige and dissapear, I will just continue to try and detatch as much as I can and remain in a better place along the way. So far im doing better than I was, Im not there yet, but a lot better than even a month ago. I know this is what it is, its not my fault, its not me deserving this, this is on her and her crazy need for attention from multiple facets because of her own problems that I cannot ever fix or be good enough to be the only man in her life. I see it and accept it. Thats what im working on.
And thank you for the support it means a lot sir.
Yes I didnt mention it here because I made the choice to help my IL's move regardless of what anyone says. These people have supported us for 11 years, they bought a house for us to live in twice, they care for my kids 4 days a week while WW is out galavanting. I was not going to not help them.
Just trying to help you move forward, and being around her and her family isn't moving forward. Your life, your choices. You owe them nothing. And they are HER parents. When the chips are down, blood is thicker than water. They will support her, even when they do not like the choices she makes.
I am back to not understanding how the forum can help you. You resist at every turn. I hope you know that I truly hope for nothing but the best for you and your kids. Peace.
Yes I didn't mention it here because I made the choice to help my IL's move regardless of what anyone says. These people have supported us for 11 years, they bought a house for us to live in twice, they care for my kids 4 days a week while WW is out galivanting. I was not going to not help them.
Again Steve I have no issue with you helping them move.
I'm going to be honest and be straight up, I have hope my WW can change and turn herself around, for the sake of my family and the fact that she is a very special woman but so naïve to men befriending her.
Steve your W is not going to change anytime soon.
I did tell her that the friend thing isn't gonna work for me and that I deserve better than that.
So what has changed since you made that statement?
She said "I know" and its been good between us but I am just tired of being plan Z.
So how do you prevent yourself from being plan Z?
I'm not ready to make some big push or anything to end our legal marriage and disappear, I will just continue to try and detach as much as I can and remain in a better place along the way.
I see a lot of pain in your future.
What makes her a very special woman?
She isn’t naive . She plays a sick game and she plays it well
Then I said "honesly I will take the kids and go if your gonna be disrespectful to me" she said "if you leave you will never see me again I swear" and I just rolled my eyes and said .. whatever dude... and went inside.
You should have called her bluff, left, and gone NC...
Whilst on this little move thing everyone was sitting outside and they essentially began to rip into WW. Her sister just let her have it about how stupid she is being and throwing her life away, they looked over at me and i just continued smoking my cigarette and shrugged. Not even getting involved in it kinda attitude. But the WW goes and tells me "relax everyone, im just taking a break from my marriage" Her sister looked at me and said something in their language to me, and I just nodded no. She pushed more and I couldnt hold it back.. I was 5 feet away and chuckled at that. WW says what? whats so funny? I replied with, "there are no breaks in a marriage" Then her sister continued to lay into her about how she is lying to all of us and shes being stupid and could easily have her own "me" time even in her M... once again I couldnt hold it back and I dont even care at this point about saving the M so I said my peace I said "its not about me time, im not controlling at all, its about seeing other men, getting attention from other men, and that is what hurts me the most, because you shouldnt need that, you are better than that" and WW went into a fit, she said "im not Fing anyone" and then went on to say "we are getting divorced so its whatever" then I once again laughed and said "thought you were on a break? you just said that" with a smirk... I wanted to just walk away but It felt good for her to be called out in front of all the people shes been lying to. She made a disrespectful comment toward me about how I wouldnt drop the issue so I said "you guys brought it up, i was just smokin" then I said "honesly I will take the kids and go if your gonna be disrespectful to me" she said "if you leave you will never see me again I swear" and I just rolled my eyes and said .. whatever dude... and went inside.
Did your kids witness this in ANY way? Did they hear even 1% of it?
Absolutely not. I will not be disrespected or talk about this in front of the kids and neither will she.
The forum helped me slowly open my eyes to what’s going on here. It was 11 years of this and I didn’t understand how F’f up it was. To me this kind of stuff happened and people just kept it quiet and moved along. Now I realize it’s much worse than I thought. And I realize I have a lot of value and made a lot of mistakes as a man that I need to work on as far as being comfortable being me and expecting fair treatment in an R.
As I said the moving was the last interaction I needed to have and regardless of various opinions here I was going to help them move. They have been absolutely nothing but good and supportive to me and my kids. They bend over backwards anytime we ever needed anything at all. Just because my WW wants to be an attention seeking teenager doesn’t mean I will cut them out of my life and not be there for them when they need it in return.
Popular on this board? No. But I made that choice and if this is about saving M’s and nobody believes mine is savable then what’s the difference? I’m not playing games anymore. I’m doing what I believe is right and not accepting anything less than what I feel I deserve. That is what I learned from this board. And I will continue on with that.
Also LH, since I sort of voiced my opinion in the R melee the fam had she has apologized, offered to spend time with me and promised she isn’t seeing anyone. Gave me many reassurances that she is returning and will do better (Now that’s all BS) but since that argument that’s what has happened. No actions just words but again, I hold very very very little hope she can put the rubber to the road and not just say what is minimum to keep that option of me open if the next OM doesn’t pan out. That’s the reality and I see it.
Thanks for everything all of you.
I am doing much better
But I got a long ways to go.
I wanted to just walk away but It felt good for her to be called out in front of all the people shes been lying to. She made a disrespectful comment toward me about how I wouldnt drop the issue so I said "you guys brought it up, i was just smokin" then I said "honesly I will take the kids and go if your gonna be disrespectful to me" she said "if you leave you will never see me again I swear" and I just rolled my eyes and said .. whatever dude... and went inside.
The entire exchange above shows a weak man. You sat back and watched your WW get tore down by her family and enjoyed it. Like a sibling watching mom/dad go after the sibling that never gets in trouble for nothing.
What would a man do in this situation, a strong alpha man?
You made a threat and didn't follow through on it. That's weakness at it's height.
What would a alpha man do after he makes a declaration? You "rolled your eyes and said whatever dude", Wow really is that alpha?
You are beaming with beta tendencies. Take yourself out of situations with her family, that is no longer your party to be at.
I agree, helping her parents move isn't a bad thing, but sitting around, waiting around, being around all of that is not healthy for a man trying to heal from a WW actions.
The entire exchange above shows a weak man.
Yes, help or don't help, it's bizarre he chose to chill with her and converse in this way. So many logical ways to approach this. E.g., my ex-GF would help her in-laws on the condition her ex not be present.
Absolutely not. I will not be disrespected or talk about this in front of the kids and neither will she.
You don't control what she says to the kids. You control what you say to them.
I know this is what it is, its not my fault, its not me deserving this, this is on her and her crazy need for attention from multiple facets because of her own problems that I cannot ever fix or be good enough to be the only man in her life.
Steve, it is your fault you're in this situation--this is on you and your crazily low self-esteem. If someone puts their hand in a mental patient's cell and gets bitten, they are a victim. If they do it 7x in a row and even give the mental patient treats for doing so--we realize both people could use treatment. This has nothing to do with whether you hope the patient will get better, whether you feel compassion for the patient, etc. Over and over we recommend your best way to a healthy, happy life for you and your kids is to stop interacting with her and prioritize therapy. You keep posting unhealthy interactions, and declaring you don't discuss them here in advance, because you don't want to be talked out of them. There are plenty of therapists who would see you same-day (locally or online) and we've established you have $$$ for a 1st session or 1st month.
If you think for one second that your 7 time cheating wife will EVER change, then you are in trouble my friend.
I don’t care if her family says she has changed and promises she isn’t cheating now. I don’t care what she says to you. I don’t care if she shows you her phone logs. She will forever cheat on whoever she is with. It’s deeply engrained in her and will ALWAYS end up with her in the bed of another man.
Hey Steve, it’s been a week. What’s going on?
So not much really. Took my kids fishing and to drive the RC trucks, crashed mine into a rock at like 55mph so I gotta fix a part on it. Been working a lot this week. Back on Monday the WW asked if I would like to take the kids to dinner with the in-laws to my favorite restraunt as a thanks for moving stuff for them. I agreed took the kids, we ate. She asked if wanted to come over after to just hang out and I said “I’m gonna go home”she said okay, you smell nice and that was that. Since Monday I have said nothing to her whatsoever. She has sent me a joke which I didnt respond to. and asked me questions regarding a VR headset for my son by calling me, which I said not a good idea and I have to go and hung up. she asked me to take Friday off work so i can watch the kids (her parents out of town) so she can work since she makes more $. I said I can’t do that sorry, i am not calling in. I’m here at work today lol. last night she sends me a video of herself from my son’s iPad essentially fake complaining that he is being bad and for me to come get him..like “oh no he’s driving me crazy...” (but not really) I responded by sending the sleeping emoji. I don’t talk, I don’t call, I don’t do anything and if it’s a request or anything I deny it in as little words as possible. No anger no emotion no nothing. I think she will get the hint soon. I hope so.
As long as she gets a reaction out of you she will keep sending you stuff.
It's a start. Showing her your indifferent is better than conversation. Ideally, blocking her number and sticking to just email is even better than showing her you're indifferent.
I blocked WW phone number and we only communicate by email and then only about child related matters.
we ate. She asked if wanted to come over after to just hang out and I said “I’m gonna go home”she said okay, you smell nice and that was that.
If dinner was just you, your in-laws, and your kids--how was your ex-wife close enough to smell you?
asked me questions regarding a VR headset for my son by calling me, which I said not a good idea and I have to go and hung up.
You stayed on the phone and listened to all her questions--then said just that and hung up?
You seem to be starting to get the point fewer interactions are better--whether your goal is healthy detachment or an unhealthy reconciliation. As Drh2001 says, it's a start, and he proposed a couple of ways to improve upon this. Nothing about therapy yet. Hope you take steps towards that this week. Take care!
So she calls me at work earlier. This is atypical so I return the call once I can step off the unit. I ask her what’s up?
She says oh hey, your son has been torturing me these whole 3 days. Driving me crazy... and I said “well he is 7” that’s what they do” and she said something else complaint wise about having to mom alone. I could hear the news on in the background and I wanted to stop the complaining about my son so I said “so is that the news is something going on?” She said “no” so I replied “well.. watching the evening news hmm what are you 55 now? Going to watch jeopardy next?” She laughed and then I said “I need to go, I’m on a new unit, I have to get back inside and make a good impression here, so I can get more shifts” she asked if I would call in the next day and watch my son and offered $300. I said “no, I’m not getting in trouble” and said “got to go” and hung up.
Bout 30 minutes later she texts me a photo of her feet in front of the TV with jeopardy on. (Last show on earth she would watch). I just replied about 45 minutes later with a thumbs up.
I don’t want to have to do some “don’t contact me angmore” thing to where it’s some emotional issue. I just want to contact less and less until she gets the hint I don’t want to talk. So far she is not getting it and I have been short, and fast to end it. Not coming over, and I NEVER reach out to her. It seems she is testing to see if I will continue to be indifferent toward her. Before I would say something affectionate or nonsense like that. Been since coming back from AZ I am as minimal as possible. Civil, polite, absolute minimal as I can be without total ignoring. I would completely ignore but it seems like that will cause drama I don’t want to deal with. I reply when I get around to it, with a minimum response and longer and longer each time. I am trying to detach without making some big no more contact boundary but it seems like if this keeps up I will have to do that.
I prefer when I don’t hear from her at all. It’s easier. I just don’t want the drama.
I am gettint ready to go out with guy friends from work to a local place that I put off forever. I work tomorrow so nothing crazy but I just want to feel good about moving forward and each time I get anything from her it sinks my feels for a second.
And as far as the counseling goes I have done my appointment this week and the dude said I am doing good with this plan did remaining Indifferent and not initiating contact.
Also. A big reason for not doing the no contact boundary for anything but kids is because I have said it in the past and drew a line and each time she tests and I fold. I don’t want to do that again until I know I am 100% ready to not buckle to some game attempt to get me to talk. Because I reallt want my words and my actions to be congruent from now on. So I feel better about it but I am not 100% sure I can go straight NC without failing and being sucked into some BS reason to answer a call or something. I’m getting close and I feel that is coming up soon but I don’t want to fire that off and not back it up.
Steve,
Again this is what we have been talking about. This is just one of your schemes that fits your narrative. You are not indifferent you are friend zoned and that my friend is the worst place to be.
Thanks for updating us!
Sounds line you are doing better but not really close. But that’s ok. A day at a time. I’m sorry you’re not ready to go no contact yet. It’s only going to hurt you more and more. It’s like someone who’s trying to quit smoking. It’s always their last pack and they’ll quit tomorrow.
Please feel free to update us more often. I can’t imagine there actually goes a day where you couldn’t come to at least journal.
Don’t reply to any text messages unless it’s about the kids.
Sending a thumbs up because she is watching Jeopardy? WTAF. Just stop it.
If she rings, don’t call back. If it’s an emergency then she will call multiple times and send messages.
If it’s not a question, don’t reply.
I read once that a woman smells desperation like a dog smells fear.
Now that’s something to think about.
I would assume she wants you to watch the kids so she can go on dates with other men. I’m glad you declined.
Steve_, we have been over the rules of engagement before:
"If she calls, let it go to VM. If it is important she will leave a VM or follow-up with a text. If she doesn't follow-up with a text then it it wasn't important. If she texts do not respond right away. If it is a question, answer it in as few words as possible, yes or no questions get yes or no answers."
You broke those rules in every way. Calling her back. Texting back a thumbs up to the feet and Jeopardy text. Steve_ you say:
"I just want to contact less and less until she gets the hint I don’t want to talk. "
So how does calling her back, and then texting her the thumbs up help her get that hint? Here is a hint: IT DOESN'T!
Your biggest problem all this time is being way too available to her, being way to communicative with her, and saying way too much when you do engage! If you just had to call her back (and you didn't) then this is how it should have gone:
Her: oh hey, your son has been torturing me these whole 3 days. Driving me crazy...
You: So you feel that your 7 year-old son is torturing you. Got it. I have to go.
Her: It is hard having to mom alone.
You: I understand that it is difficult to be a single parent. I really have to go. -hangup-
What a difference that would make. Who cares that she has the news on? And the $300 exchange would never have happened if you had just hung up.
Glad to hear you had a good session with the IC. Have you mentioned that you suffer from a bad case of Nice Guy Syndrome? That you need help working through that and getting to a place where you aren't calling her back and texting her emojis?
Also. A big reason for not doing the no contact boundary for anything but kids is because I have said it in the past and drew a line and each time she tests and I fold. I don’t want to do that again until I know I am 100% ready to not buckle to some game attempt to get me to talk. Because I reallt want my words and my actions to be congruent from now on. So I feel better about it but I am not 100% sure I can go straight NC without failing and being sucked into some BS reason to answer a call or something. I’m getting close and I feel that is coming up soon but I don’t want to fire that off and not back it up.
And to add to my last response, you don't set boundaries with words....you set them with actions. Don't say ANYTHING to her, just start employing the rules of engagement above.
And a word of caution, she will start to declare emergencies when there is no emergency. If you didn't call her back she might have eventually sent a text saying: "Please call me, it is an emergency."
If that happens, the second you realize it is not am emergency you end the call:
Her: oh hey, your son has been torturing me these whole 3 days. Driving me crazy...
You: This is the emergency? I have to go. In the future, do not tell me there is an emergency unless there is. -hangup-
You have a very bad WW. You are going to struggle until you learn the art of hanging up on her. Do not say bye. Do not wait for her to say bye, just hangup.
Steve,
Congrats on the steps you have taken so far. This journey takes a while. And we grow as we move forward. You are doing as AS would say and lovingly detaching. Being detach doesn't have to be mean and a person feels when you are truly detached from them, mean or not. Really if you are being mean, than you are not detached. But rather if you are treating them like any other regular person in your life, than you have truly reached detachment. So if you are a pleasant person, being pleasant is a place where your emotions are not attached to their actions. That's true detachment.
If you are detaching correctly their will be a moment when your WW realize, you are treating her like a regular person in your life and she no longer holds a priority in your head space. That's a hard place for a lot of WW/WS, that's used to controlling their LBS emotions and actions. Losing power no matter the form can be very devastating.
A detached Steve would respond to a WW call like this:
WW: Calling
Steve: Hello
WW: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
Steve: Oh ok, are the kids Ok?
WW: Yes, but, blah blah, me, blah blah, my day, blah blah, blah, your son, blah blah,
Steve: Well, I'm glad to hear to kids are ok, you have a good rest of your day. Hang up
You weren't mean, you listened, you didn't interject, and you asked the important questions.
You are doing good. Keep up the hardwork. Keep reading AS rules for lovingly detaching.
Steve you win the quote of the day:
“Having a calm demeanor and living a relatively peaceful and relaxed life helps you make the best and most efficient decisions and helps maintain optimum health. Being angry, frustrated, fearful, stressed and arguing with others is literally toxic to your body and overall health. Our decisions and actions while being in a fearful and angry state tend to bring about more anger, stress, difficulty and chaos. Displaying weakness and not standing up for ourselves invites more aggression, conflict and drama from others. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. Set and enforce healthy boundaries when people don’t treat you how you want to be treated. Otherwise, you are simply inviting others to continue abusing you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
Been doing great!
Hanging out a lot with friends from work, 3 of my buddies going through nursing school, having them over to study. Working a lot and just passing the time in between with my kids. I took a vacation time this week. Went over to the coast fishing, spent time with my sister, went and saw my uncles I hadn’t seen In almost 2 years. And I visited my grandmother’s grave and sort of unloaded all the stuff that has happened on her. She was my favorite person in the world.
In the meantime ww and I don’t talk. It’s business only, just kids. Once in awhile she will call but I don’t answer. I will only text regarding kids. She has been better about it because I told her if she acts disrespectfully I won’t deal with her or even respond. She told me recently she got a new job, bar tending at a night club....so she will be working weeknights there..
I pretty much had a moment of real sadness with my grandmother. I accepted that as much as I love my ww we can never be back together, she will never love and respect me the way I deserve there is just far too much damage to fix and I cannot live the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, I’ll never be able to trust her. It was something I been working on accepting. And I have. I will tell her I will be moving the D forward, there really is no fixing this. Not sure when exactly but soon. [censored] breaking down my family but there just is no way to live with a woman who doesn’t respect, value or admire me as a man and husband and father. My WW never will. And that’s why I hardly speak to her for the past two weeks. Even if she told me she would change everything, I don’t think I could believe her. And honestly I am okay with it. There will be someone who loves me totally out there one day.
Oh boy putting your stbx in a night club is like putting a kid in a candy store. So Steve some good things here but you’re still lying to yourself and going to try some more manipulation. If you were done you would just push the d forward. Also your stbx doesn’t respect you because you don’t respect yourself.
Hope you’re really done.
Hi Steve,
I will tell her I will be moving the D forward, there really is no fixing this. Not sure when exactly but soon.
That’s called an R-talk—“Look at me! I’m still attached despite 7 affairs. Act fast! Pressure pressure.” . When you’re ready to move on, you’ll take the action of initiating D, rather than initiate yet another R talk.
I visited my grandmother’s grave and sort of unloaded all the stuff that has happened on her.
Thats great—working out some feelings. A key difference between venting to her vs. a therapist is a therapist will ask questions and challenge your thought errors. This is very positive, though, Steve. Great stuff!
She told me recently she got a new job, bar tending at a night club....so she will be working weeknights there..
For you, this is a legal job, that’s great! Her illegal job that you knew but didn’t name or report could have put your custody in jeopardy. For her, this allows her to combine working and meeting men. Like most changes, there are pros and cons, things to celebrate and things to lament.
There will be someone who loves me totally out there one day.
Do you realize, that someone is you? Steve, you have a long way to get there, but you’re like a doormat to your STBXW only because you accept that treatment. Most of us would not accept her treatment. If you fix that, you will either be happily single or more likely find a partner who treats you well.
Agree with CW. Talking is meaningless. Just act. Do or don'ot do, there is no talking. At least there shouldn't be any talk. Talk has got you no where at this point. All that counts is what you do or don't do. Do things that move you forward. Don't do things that set you back.
I like the last update otherwise!
I will tell her I will be moving the D forward, there really is no fixing this. Not sure when exactly but soon.
Actions speak louder than words. File for divorce. The paperwork she receives will explain everything to her.
Steve you win the quote of the day:
“Love cannot exist where there is no trust. In all relationships, trust is the hardest thing to earn and the easiest thing to lose. Habitual liars incorrectly learned early on in life that in order to survive, they must lie to and deceive others. The only way they feel safe is to lie. This is obviously a problem for most normal people who simply won’t put up with being lied to and deceived. Great teammates are loyal and honest with one another. They’re in it to win it, together. The likelihood that a dishonest person becomes an honest and loyal person is simply not a good statistical probability. People don’t change who they are, but they may become a better version of themselves.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
I told you guys I really felt it. I know I have said it before and before it was a game or some manipulation crap. But when I sat there with my grandmothers grave I knew I needed to move on.
I went to the lawyer and filed the divorce it was all done I just needed to pay the filing fee. I did that this morning. I also blocked WW from my Snapchat, Facebook and Instagram. Mostly because I don’t want to see her wild reaction she will flaunt at me to punish me for doing that. The D is over, it’s all final, the terms and everything solid and good terms. And the judgment will be stamped and sent back to me in a couple months if that. The ww exploded on me of course and said “I will go back to OM!” And “I will go F 10 guys and send you pictures” and “I will take the kids from you and I will hurt you so bad so much you will Jill yourself” just went off and off and off.
I did ask her one final time if she was sure she didn’t want to fix this. That’s when the threats came, that tells me she wants to be single to sew her oats and so on but didn’t want to be the one who “ended” it. That’s fine.. I did
Her sister called me up and told me good job on blocking her.. that it really messed with her head.. I told her that I finished the D and I’m done, I am not going back, I deserve better and I put a lot into my relationship, I have so much to give to the right person but she will never respect or love me like I deserve. I told her sister that maybe years down the road if we are still single and she gets her life right but I cannot deal with this, 7 months of holding on and trying only to get disrespect and lies. Her sister was very sad but understood and her husband also was in the background telling me I did the right thing. They both told me they loved me, apologized for my WW and said they hope I find someone who treats me right.
It was hard to do to accept my nuclear family is over, but I kept thinking about the damage she did, the lies, the affairs all of it and how that will never change or at least not for years.. so I stayed strong and filed it. WW ended up texting me back and apology and said she agreed it was time for us To move on. And that was that.
Steve great job getting in done. Unfortunately you will tied to her for a really long time and she is likely to try to make your life miserable. Easily hands down the worst WW I have encountered on this board. Steve she’s never going to change ever! Maybe in her 90s. Your best hope is she latches on to some other dude. It’s going to be a rough ride for awhile. Stay strong!
It’s about respecting yourself first. There you are man. Showing your kids to stand for the right values.
Stay strong there!
I told you guys I really felt it. I know I have said it before and before it was a game or some manipulation crap. But when I sat there with my grandmothers grave I knew I needed to move on.
I hope this time you are serious, Steve.
I went to the lawyer and filed the divorce it was all done I just needed to pay the filing fee. I did that this morning. I also blocked WW from my Snapchat, Facebook and Instagram. Mostly because I don’t want to see her wild reaction she will flaunt at me to punish me for doing that. The D is over, it’s all final, the terms and everything solid and good terms. And the judgment will be stamped and sent back to me in a couple months if that. The ww exploded on me of course and said “I will go back to OM!” And “I will go F 10 guys and send you pictures” and “I will take the kids from you and I will hurt you so bad so much you will Jill yourself” just went off and off and off.
Typical WW behavior. When they feel the control over the LBH slipping away they lash out. How did your NGS play out during this? Did you feel bad? Did you question what you were doing? Remember, what neffer said: STRENGTH RESPECT You are teaching your kids what to put up with in their own Rs in the future!
I did ask her one final time if she was sure she didn’t want to fix this. That’s when the threats came, that tells me she wants to be single to sew her oats and so on but didn’t want to be the one who “ended” it. That’s fine.. I did
Why? This scares me. It makes me wonder if it is game or some manipulation crap again. Steve strength is not begging for one last chance. I know you didn't see it this way, but as we've been trying to get you to see, the one more chance was weeks and months ago. Not now. Now is the time for Steve to move forward.....boldly. Strongly. Self-respectfully! This asking her one last time one just another disrespect to yourself. What if she had said yes? Could you have trusted it? Or would have been V-day all over again??
Her sister called me up and told me good job on blocking her.. that it really messed with her head.. I told her that I finished the D and I’m done, I am not going back, I deserve better and I put a lot into my relationship, I have so much to give to the right person but she will never respect or love me like I deserve. I told her sister that maybe years down the road if we are still single and she gets her life right but I cannot deal with this, 7 months of holding on and trying only to get disrespect and lies. Her sister was very sad but understood and her husband also was in the background telling me I did the right thing. They both told me they loved me, apologized for my WW and said they hope I find someone who treats me right.
Not going to lie. These things affect the families too. No doubt about it. But I encourage you to remember that her family is her family. You will miss them. They will miss you. But Steve needs to move forward for himself. And that means leaving behind those that have ties to her. Steve, I am afraid you will try to rationalize relationships with her parents and her sister and husband. You do not have the strength to be in her orbit and at the same time move forward healthy and happy. Some do.....but you have to face your own weaknesses....and when it comes to her and those around her you are weak.
When they reach out to you and want you over for dinner, or to hang out, or to help them move, etc. A simple: "No, I don't think that is a good idea." Go out and develop your own orbit of friends and family and leave hers behind.
It was hard to do to accept my nuclear family is over, but I kept thinking about the damage she did, the lies, the affairs all of it and how that will never change or at least not for years.. so I stayed strong and filed it. WW ended up texting me back and apology and said she agreed it was time for us To move on. And that was that.
The truth is your nuclear family was over a long time ago. Your acceptance of it is what lagged. It was hard for you to accept it, which is why so many of us pushed you to get into IC. Acceptance is a requirement for these things. Ideally no nuclear family would ever 'be over". But the truth is we live in an imperfect world. Death. Disease. Injury. Infidelity. WSs. They all take their toll and impact. We don't always get to choose what happens to us and our family...but we do get to choose how we respond to it. Stay strong and hold fast. This is an extremely damaged WW that would need years of IC herself to become a whole enough person to be your other half. Do not settle for less than you deserve and the truth is she is incapable of doing the work on herself to be what you deserve.
You can walkaway with your head held high. You stood. You tried. But she was incapable and now you need to move forward. Be the best dad you can be. Get yourself right and out of your NGS, lack of self-respect, and deal with any outstanding emotional baggage and move on healthy and happy.
ONWARD AND UPWARD, Steve! You've got this!
Agree with LH. Easily the worst WW I have ever seen on this board.
She responds by telling you she's going to go F 10 dudes? What a trash person she is.
It will be bumpy for a while and I can all but guarantee she will change her tune in the near future, and probably try and get back in your good graces. Be prepared for that. But realize its manipulation and not a change or heart or some big epiphany she had.
Steve, if her own family is telling you that you are doing the right thing, take note of that and never look back.
Yeah her family is really sad, but they constantly apologize for what she did/is doing. They all hope I find someone really good for me and they tell me that. It’s so sad and sometimes I think about what could have been but it’s a small shadow, because I know that after 11 years of her cheating expecting anything different is just a delusion. It will take her going through hell, and serious pain, to want to change, and that will take years. And that’s years I don’t have to sit around and wait. It’s been 7 months of waiting before I filed. And that was beyond what 99% of men would do with this bad of a ww. My WW is already talking to previous OM again, prob trying to snake her way back into his life she destroyed. She is so manipulative it’s insane. I see the toxicity now and when I look at her I see a beautiful empty person with pure darkness inside her. I pity her sometimes that she will never know fulfillment and she can never give it either. We don’t talk now, especially since I blocked it all there has been zero comm. I prefer it 100% just speaking to her really irritated me since she was so disrespectful all these years.
I had been talking to my sisters friend on the phone (like a 3 way call) for some time now. Bout 2 months, we started calling one another outside of my sister just to chat about life. All her relationship goals are the same as mine, she has been single over a year, she is putting herself through school, is 31 no kids but wants them, is a good Christian woman, has a sassy banter like I have and is a family oriented woman. Very girly very feminine. We would talk about being nurses, about our relationships and why they failed, just anything really. She lives a couple hours away, but i realized That is the type of person that one day I want to find. And I know that it is possible but I never could holding on to a ww that just wants to use and abuse me forever. I made my stand and I’m never going back.
I’m in a good place now, I value myself I feel good about what I did and I will move on someday and be truly happy with someone else. I am actually okay with that now. I can still be a great dad and have a life and I accepted that.
Steve_, I so hope this is real this time. And be careful with this sister's friend. Jumping into another R right now is NOT in your best interest. You need to learn to be happy on your own, as just a dad to your kids, before you can be the whole half of another R.
Bout 2 months, we started calling one another outside of my sister just to chat about life. All her relationship goals are the same as mine, she has been single over a year, she is putting herself through school, is 31 no kids but wants them, is a good Christian woman, has a sassy banter like I have and is a family oriented woman. Very girly very feminine. We would talk about being nurses, about our relationships and why they failed, just anything really. She lives a couple hours away, but i realized That is the type of person that one day I want to find. And I know that it is possible but I never could holding on to a ww that just wants to use and abuse me forever. I made my stand and I’m never going back.
Aha! Now standing up to STBXW makes sense. That you didn't mention this possible OW in the wings earlier is an indicator you may have suspected it would be frowned upon and isn't good for you. I sincerely hope you find the strength to separate yourself from XW's family, find a good life solo, and THEN date. I know you're opposed to therapy but it can speed along the process and get you to a happier place more quickly.
Oh I know Steve. I can’t just hop into an R. Although I got my single dad life down and my financial life down, I do want to find a better job and a better place to live. My life is in transition, and although this girl is exactly what I want in life now is not a good time. Based on CW’s 3% man this girl shows really high interest and all but she’s moving 4.5 hours away for school anyways. I don’t feel like I couldn’t be a good partner for someone but I need some time to heal and deal. If it wasn’t for the fact I have only been separated for 7 months and just fired off the D I would go for her, but I don’t need extra turbulence of any kind in my life at the moment.
My WW is so bad, I sent a pic of a jar of protien to a friend of mine, we were going over whey isolates and I accidentally sent it to WW since she messaged me something about kids school. I replied to the picture of the protien bucket “sorrry wrong person, it was for my buddy” she replies “no worries” then later sends a pic of herself all done up looking pretty and puts “sorry that was for someone else” I just replied “no worries” but I see what she is trying to do with the jealousy thing. What an ass.
CW,
I don’t even hang out with the XW’s family, they just support my choice to end this thing. I haven’t spent any amount of time with anyone since Easter. Otherwise it’s my work friends. And this “OW” lol is just my buddy, it’s not a thing, It just helped me to see there are people out there I could see myself with and happy with and it took a long time to realize that was even possible. So my sisters friend has been a real blessing and all we do is chat on the phone once in awhile. Like I said she is moving away for school for 2 years so there couldn’t be a thing. She just helped me sort of realize my value and the last time I picked up my kids my ww was disrespectful and rude once again and threatened to finish the D and I realized this was a manipulation tool over my head. So I went down there the next day and freed myself of this BS. I feel like a POW being released and not knowing how to accept happiness, feeling like everyone has bad intentions, etc.. I know I will need time. And I am doing therapy still, have my next appt this week on Friday, I’m sure my T will be really happy I let this M go and saved myself. I am.
End of the day it’s tough, but I am proud of myself that I finally stood up for myself. I just wish I did it sooner but I guess we all have our time when we are ready. The normal disrespectful stuff she does I would have tolerated. But for some reason that last interaction just made me sick. I’m glad it was 100% the right thing for me to and it’s been time for months.
This is normal, when you do the right thing you always wish you had done it sooner. You keep saying "7 months", but then you've admitted that she has been a WW for 11 years, and multiple OM. I think Steve, this is something that you could explore in IC. Why you refuse to look at the reality of whatever situations you are in. Maybe it is a PTSD thing. Or maybe it is a defense mechanism that is more related to how you deal with things. But you've repeated this "waiting 7 months" when really your WW has made you MR a mess for a lot longer than 7 months.
Overall, I am liking the new outlook! I encourage you to continue moving forward. Continue to work on yourself. Continue to learn what self-differentiation (a better term for general detachment rather than just being detached from one person) means and learn how to be properly differentiated (a simple way of looking at it is learning to be happy by yourself). Continue to build out your NON-ROMANTIC support system, new friends, reconnecting with old friends, having a good core of people that you hang out with, regularly interact with, and that you have a good friendship with. (Give you an example in my life: my hunting buddies and I rarely go a week without exchanging at least text messages. We average hanging out every 2-3 months, outside of hunting season. This is what I mean!)
You can do this! You can continue working to move forward, the right way! We are here to help to Steve_, if nothing else to encourage you when you are doing the right things, and giving you different perspectives when you start going the wrong direction!
So It seems like WW is not taking me finishing the D well.
She told my kids that this was "daddy's choice" and told me "you gave up". I did not want to get into a fight over text but I had never stood my ground on that so I just replied "The choice was made when you left and filed, I just accepted it, and you can tell the kids whatever you want but, that's on you not me, I gave you 1,000 chances, you wanted to be single, so now you are." I also told her "No matter what you say we all know and saw what happened, I did my best, you did not want to work with me so I simply decided I have done enough" she went on to threaten, because I mentioned to my son I'd like to move somewhere else, find a better job etc, she told me "If you move you will never see the kids again" … more control.. more anger.. I told her well, I have nothing else I wish to say, please only communicate regarding the children otherwise I will block your phone as well.
She did respond 2 days later regarding the kids schedule and I did not answer all day I was out fishing with no reception, she proceeded to tell me "we have 50/50 custody, you cannot block my phone" and emailed and got on my kids tabled and messaged and so on. When I got back to town I just responded, yes I will be there and no I did not block your phone as long as its just regarding the kids I wont. She responded "okay, thank you" and that was it. I hope this will be a decent process once she is over the anger of me not allowing her to control my life anymore.
Steve,
I really feel sorry your kids. Your ex trying to blame you then you telling your son you’re going to move. Manipulation from both of you to get a rise out of each other. Steve if she didn’t want to be divorced she wouldn’t be don’t think for a half second she is having second thoughts. Your arguing whose fault is weak behavior.
Unfortunately the ride is just beginning and this nonsense will be going on for years to come.
I really feel sorry your kids. Your ex trying to blame you then you telling your son you’re going to move. Manipulation from both of you to get a rise out of each other.
Amen.
"The choice was made when you left and filed, I just accepted it, and you can tell the kids whatever you want but, that's on you not me, I gave you 1,000 chances, you wanted to be single, so now you are. No matter what you say we all know and saw what happened, I did my best, you did not want to work with me so I simply decided I have done enough"
Steve, emoting for his ex, because his feelings control him and not vice-versa. Always helped Anakin?
"If you move you will never see the kids again"
Emoting at her, improving you and your kids' situation, it is? (:
I hope this will be a decent process once she is over the anger of me not allowing her to control my life anymore.
It'll be a decent process once you get over your anger, control, etc. No sooner, no later. You can expedite that by seeking counseling, support groups, and journaling here. You can make it worse by continuing the R talks, bringing your kids into it, or dating before you do the work to become stronger, Steve.
It's your circus, Steve. We can watch. Only you can act!
I just responded to her that way simply because throughout this process I never stood up to her, I blamed myself, I never looked her in the eye and told her how I actually felt. I will NOT be saying anything more, but I did feel at that point for once I needed to just say "listen, say whatever you want, do whatever you want, but we ALL saw how things went including the children, so dont try to turn this around now, you made your choice I just accept it now" I felt like I could not move on without at least telling her that. I did it in a respectful manner. She told me "the kids are destroyed by your choice, D5 feels like her heart is cracking that you gave up" yada yada yada... I saw right through it, she has no desire to work on this M or change her WW ways. She just wanted me to hurt for standing up for myself and being done with this crap. I know better than that, she WILL NEVER CHANGE. and I CAN NEVER GO BACK AND FIX THIS. I know that. I really do. It took me a long long time to accept it, but I have. Even if a miracle were to happen and she was able to turn her life around the process would take years, and I am not willing to waste more years I could be happy with someone else that would be loyal and honest and deserving to give my WW a chance to grow up. She had her shot, many many shots and she blew them all. That is on her, and even then I held on far longer than most, now I have no regrets and I can lay my head down at night, I can look my kids in the eye, and go through this storm knowing that I gave it my all and that is good enough for me. That is all I wanted.
I know this will be hard, and the 8 months now of being legally seperated were not the full spectrum of this change because I refused to see them/ treat them that way. I do realize there will be dark days ahead, and I will stand-fast by my choice to put my happiness and my children's well being before anything the WW throws at me. I will not buckle, I cannot. I have finally come to a point where the line in the sand has been drawn, and just like when I was in the military for so many years, I will not accept defeat and return to complacency. I have done too much work, come too far, I expect to receive the same level of intrest, honor and commitment that I put into my R's, anything less I will not tolerate, and I don't need to. I need no-one. When god decides it is time for me to find a partner he will place on on my path. I will not date, I will not get apps or go to bars any of that. I put my future partner in god's hands to deliver, until then I will simply take care of myself and my kids and face this storm with dignity.
Oh one more quick thought.
Sorry for the religious stuff if it bothers anyone. But I really leaned on my faith to get through these times. Its been monumentally difficult and I just needed something to cling to. Im not a super churchy zealot or anything, but I found my faith going through the hardships of combat, depression, and so forth. Its been really important to me in order to shoulder the things I have without turning to alcohol or drugs or some other destructive behavior, I chose to turn to god. Its not for everyone but that really helped me.
And I am not angry, I am not coming into this new phase of emotion with the stbxw. The only emotion that I feel toward her is honestly sadness and pity. She will absolutely regret the things she did some day and knowing that she wont ever get a chance to fix them even if she ever did change I do feel a bit sad for her on that. She really did think she could keep me in her pocket forever, and although her entire family told her that one day her H would just give up and be done she never listened. I feel sad for that. And also I do worry about what kind of OM she will involve with my kids, but having a strong set of in-laws I am really fortunate that they will be very protective when the kids are not with me.
Its not about anger, not about depression or that aching hole of loss anymore. Its about each day staying strong and knowing I did my best and allowing myself to live better and standing up for Steve. Im still getting used to it but im doing really good.
I appreciate all you guys have done, and all the 2x4's and everything you have endured. I will continue to post, try to support others and remain active. I needed this board, I didnt see how clear-cut and true you guys were being until now, once I think back on all the post you guys have made it makes sense and it was all right, I just couldnt accept it before, and I know that can be frustrating for yall. Thanks for hanging in there, truly.
Steve,
Your number one problem is you talk to much. The Moore you try to convince her you are not in her back pocket the more she know you are. We can see it and she can surely see it.
Also don’t be so sure she’s gonna regret her decision. No one ever wants to be with a doormat. They want someone who they need to work for. Then that person becomes someone of value.
(((Steve))). I know people here are hard on you sometimes. We have all been there, believe me, and we keep posting to newcomers because we are hoping they will learn from our experiences and maybe get through this a little bit faster and a little bit easier. But we all have our path to walk and sometimes that means drawing out the pain more than others would like us to.
My thoughts in reading your thread is that you are starting out on the right path. Being fully honest with yourself is the first step. That takes a lot of self reflection and deep dives into our own psyche’s. Some of us can get there on our own (well...not fully as we have this community to give us 2x4’s when we need it) while others need a bit more extra help in the form of IC. Some of us need to put our hand on the flame a number of times before we fully realize we are going to get burnt every time,
Here is when you will know that you have truly moved on. You won’t be feeling sadness or pity for your XW. You may look at her objectively and think, “wow...she’s missing out on a better life with her crazy choices” but that isn’t a feeling - it’s an observation. The goal here is indifference. That word has some negative connotations as it implies a lack of caring. It’s not that at all. It just means that when you interact with your ex in anyway, it no longer has an effect on you - good or bad. She will no longer have the power to affect your mood or your behaviour.
And when you get there my friend, there will be SO MUCH PEACE that you will find yourself laughing sometimes at the thought of you ever wanting anything different. When you are finally past this and you have figured out your own contributions to the demise of your marriage (we all could have done better even if we were not the cause) and know what it is you want in a partner, you will not have to convince the other person to love you...they just will. And you will know how to nurture that love and build a life with that person. Keep moving forward my friend...with honesty, integrity, forgiveness and love.
Saw this quote on FB recently that really resonated with me in terms of how I wanted to go through this process. I’m sharing it with you as I think it may help you as well. Makes a great mantra...
“May I release my ego’s need to defend myself. May I have the courage to live in alignment - walking in the integrity of my own unique path. May I forgive the parts of myself that become reactive when I’m misunderstood. May I continue to show up over and over again as I learn to trust that everything is happening to serve my evolution and the greater good of the collective.”
(((HUGS)))
Oh one more quick thought.
Sorry for the religious stuff if it bothers anyone. But I really leaned on my faith to get through these times. Its been monumentally difficult and I just needed something to cling to. Im not a super churchy zealot or anything, but I found my faith going through the hardships of combat, depression, and so forth. Its been really important to me in order to shoulder the things I have without turning to alcohol or drugs or some other destructive behavior, I chose to turn to god. Its not for everyone but that really helped me.
And I am not angry, I am not coming into this new phase of emotion with the stbxw. The only emotion that I feel toward her is honestly sadness and pity. She will absolutely regret the things she did some day and knowing that she wont ever get a chance to fix them even if she ever did change I do feel a bit sad for her on that. She really did think she could keep me in her pocket forever, and although her entire family told her that one day her H would just give up and be done she never listened. I feel sad for that. And also I do worry about what kind of OM she will involve with my kids, but having a strong set of in-laws I am really fortunate that they will be very protective when the kids are not with me.
Its not about anger, not about depression or that aching hole of loss anymore. Its about each day staying strong and knowing I did my best and allowing myself to live better and standing up for Steve. Im still getting used to it but im doing really good.
I appreciate all you guys have done, and all the 2x4's and everything you have endured. I will continue to post, try to support others and remain active. I needed this board, I didnt see how clear-cut and true you guys were being until now, once I think back on all the post you guys have made it makes sense and it was all right, I just couldnt accept it before, and I know that can be frustrating for yall. Thanks for hanging in there, truly.
I commend you on turning to something positive (faith) instead of negatives (drugs and alcohol). Well done. We see many LBSs here that suffer because they turn to wanton and sex and chemicals to cope. That rarely turns out well. You've made a lot of mistakes Steve, turning to God is not one of them!
Thank you all for the replies. I read each of them and really think on them.
Yes I am not over my WW but I know I cannot be with her and I accept it. And something really nice happened yesterday.
WW messaged me “I know you hate me but my kids haven’t called or anything today and it’s Mother’s Day and it’s hard for me”
I responded “I don’t hate you, we did go get you a card and a flower, I know you are at work so that’s why, but if you have time feel free to call the kids”
I told her also “I understand it’s hard on me as well”
She replied “I seriously doubt that”
So I said “finishing that divorce last week was the hardest thing I ever did, but I had to because what I want and deserve you cannot give me. I do love you and I always will but I don’t have 2-3 years to wait while you have other men come and go in your life, I need commitment, honestly, loyalty and integrity”
She said “I have been crying a lot, I didn’t think you would ever file it, it hurt me very bad when you did”
I told her “I had to, for me, because I deserve better than this”
She responded “I know, and you do, it’s just hard to see Steven give up, I never thought you would”
I told her “we were always close, best friends, maybe one day god will fix us but not anytime soon and I see that, that’s why I did it”
She said “I know in time I can be good, I can give you those things, but right now I cannot, and I just wanted you to hang in there and give me time”
I said “I did for 7 months, and if that was not enough I’m afraid nothing ever will be, I told her also, it’s okay, I’m not mad, go be free, go be beautiful, but please make good choices in your partner for the children, they have been through a lot, the greatest gift I could have offered you as your husband is to let you go, you wanted to be free and now you are so just consider the kids when you make choices that effect them please”
She said “thank you so much” and admitted to going on a date last night but not feeling good about it because the kids are still really upset she left me to begin with and she doesn’t want to hurt them again.
I just ended things with “happy Mother’s Day from the bottom of my heart and I hope you will reach out if the children need anything.
She responded with crying emojis and said thank you, that she was sorry for everything, and that she hopes some day things will change
I feel like this convo was not necessary but there was this animosity about the D that I feel is ironed out. Her tone went from anger to sadness and then just a friendly manner during the convo. As much as it pains me to hear she is dating I know that’s what she wanted and I wanted to make my peace with her over that. I know eventually I will find a partner when god intends that for me. For now I move forward.
Today I go and pick up my associates degree in nursing from the school. I’m happy to have that done, soon I will do my bridge program to RN and then go back to the school where I got my previous bachelors and get my bachelors in nursing done. I have really attainable goals and I can see myself living a life without WW. A happy life. And I prayed for that for a long time.
Be careful, Steve.
I think your WW is more sad about the fact that she is losing her trusty ol' Plan B. She's not sad for you and your relationship, she's sad for her (and she's the one that cheated multiple times).
And she thought you wouldn't give up while she cheated on you with multiple men? Good Lord that just speaks to her mental issues.
She's going to cheat on every dude she's with because internally she will never be happy. She looks for her next high and doesn't care who she destroys in the process.
I would bet a mortgage payment she will try to seduce you once again. This isn't over.
Shore up your defenses if you want any semblance of a normal life post divorce.
Indeed Thornton,
I just accepted the fact that not myself or any other man will be enough for her until she is enough for herself. And because she refuses to work on herself there will never be an end to her wayward heart. That is what makes me sad, not the loss of the M I know I will be okay and find a fulfilling partner. But the sadness comes from seeing such a beautiful person that I truly adored turn to men for her own value, to feel good about herself and wanted. That truly is what breaks my heart. But ultimately she will hopefully one day realize what she has done and make peace with it as I have. I know I was far from perfect and I addressed my issues in the M head on in the eyes. She hopefully will do the same one day. I pray for that
Boy for someone who wasn't going to say anymore you had a lot to say.
Yes I am not over my WW but I know I cannot be with her and I accept it. And something really nice happened yesterday.
Steve my best guess is that it will likely take you 3-5 years to get over her.
WW messaged me “I know you hate me but my kids haven’t called or anything today and it’s Mother’s Day and it’s hard for me”
Proper response: This is hard on everyone
I responded “I don’t hate you, we did go get you a card and a flower, I know you are at work so that’s why, but if you have time feel free to call the kids”
See above
So I said “finishing that divorce last week was the hardest thing I ever did, but I had to because what I want and deserve you cannot give me. I do love you and I always will but I don’t have 2-3 years to wait while you have other men come and go in your life, I need commitment, honestly, loyalty and integrity”
Illusion of action. I need to do or say the right thing to change her mind.
She said “I have been crying a lot, I didn’t think you would ever file it, it hurt me very bad when you did”
WW Translation: Nice try Steve I know I can have you back with a snap of my fingers
I told her “I had to, for me, because I deserve better than this”
Illusion of action. I need to do or say the right thing to change her mind.
She responded “I know, and you do, it’s just hard to see Steven give up, I never thought you would”
WW translation: Steve who are you kidding. You haven't given up.
I told her “we were always close, best friends, maybe one day god will fix us but not anytime soon and I see that, that’s why I did it”
Illusion of action. I need to do or say the right thing to change her mind.
She said “I know in time I can be good, I can give you those things, but right now I cannot, and I just wanted you to hang in there and give me time”
WW translation: I need more time to lineup your replacement
I said “I did for 7 months, and if that was not enough I’m afraid nothing ever will be, I told her also, it’s okay, I’m not mad, go be free, go be beautiful, but please make good choices in your partner for the children, they have been through a lot, the greatest gift I could have offered you as your husband is to let you go, you wanted to be free and now you are so just consider the kids when you make choices that effect them please”
Illusion of action. I need to do or say the right thing to change her mind.
She said “thank you so much” and admitted to going on a date last night but not feeling good about it because the kids are still really upset she left me to begin with and she doesn’t want to hurt them again.
Of course she was on a date last night!
I just ended things with “happy Mother’s Day from the bottom of my heart and I hope you will reach out if the children need anything.
Illusion of action. I need to do or say the right thing to change her mind.
She responded with crying emojis and said thank you, that she was sorry for everything, and that she hopes some day things will change
Maybe a hint of sincerity in this staement.
I feel like this convo was not necessary but there was this animosity about the D that I feel is ironed out. Her tone went from anger to sadness and then just a friendly manner during the convo. As much as it pains me to hear she is dating I know that’s what she wanted and I wanted to make my peace with her over that. I know eventually I will find a partner when god intends that for me. For now I move forward.
Definitely not necessary.
Today I go and pick up my associates degree in nursing from the school. I’m happy to have that done, soon I will do my bridge program to RN and then go back to the school where I got my previous bachelors and get my bachelors in nursing done. I have really attainable goals and I can see myself living a life without WW. A happy life. And I prayed for that for a long time.
You most certainly can Steve. No more setbacks.
Steve_, I'm not going to 2x4 you but just remind you: You've been told over and over again that you interact with her too much, and say too much. You have a chance to 180 on that moving forward.
Steve_, I'm not going to 2x4 you but just remind you: You've been told over and over again that you interact with her too much, and say too much. You have a chance to 180 on that moving forward.
What Steve says. (:
I understand what you guys are saying. I did over for that but I felt at that point I wanted to just get the animosity over with. She invited me to Disneyland with the kids. I said no. They are down there now. I just can’t keep playing the kids emotions when she wants to act like family.
She also asked me to move the storage for her consolidate it, I told her I would do it, but for $200 since a company will charge 300 at least. She looked surprised but I am $200 richer.
She honestly thought I’d never quit, never see my own value. She thought wrong. She asked me to unblock her from my social media and be friends. I told her maybe some day but not for the foreseeable future.
I’m doing great otherwise. Thanks for following along everyone it helps me a ton. And I appreciate it
As predicted, she keeps trying. Steve_ gird up your loins because she is coming for you.
She invited me to Disneyland with the kids. I said no.
This is great if that's how it went down. You have a tendency to try to explain your reasons behind everything.
She also asked me to move the storage for her consolidate it, I told her I would do it, but for $200 since a company will charge 300 at least. She looked surprised but I am $200 richer.
See here you engaged so you lose.
She honestly thought I’d never quit, never see my own value.
Easy there big fella. I am still not convinced of either. A man who values himself will not sell his worth for $200.
She asked me to unblock her from my social media and be friends. I told her maybe some day but not for the foreseeable future.
Wrong answer! "no" or ignore
Steve I don't want to discourage you because I see some progress but I am afraid you are still trying to manipulate her and she is WAY better at the game then you. The person who cares the least about a relationship is the one in control. If you do not cut all contact minus the kids I fear you will never move forward. I do not envy you because she is probably going to make your life miserable for the unforeseeable future.
Don’t go popping the champagne yet.
She’s probably down in Disneyland concocting the next manipulation of you.
She will come back and say “we missed you, would have been great for us all to be together down in Disenyland.”
She is going to do something in the next little while to confirm she still has you on her hook (which she does). Eventually you’ll crack and have a long conversation or send her a long, explanatory text. Then she will wryly smile, knowing she wins again… rinse and repeat.
Like LH19 said, short business answers with no explanations. As you’ve been told lots of times, don’t respond without first seeking advice here!!!
“Want to come to Disneyland?” - “No thanks.”
“Unblock me from social media.” - Do NOT respond to this BS.
“I want to talk when I get back from Disneyland.” - “I’m busy.”
“Can you do this favour me?” - “No, I’m busy.” (Note no explanation about what you are doing to make her jealous).
Blah blah blah BS - “I’d prefer to keep our communication only about the children.”
And when she brings her A game and you’re about to send a reply which is more than 5 words, or you think you will talk to her about it…. Remember, she’s probably down in Disneyland trying to pick up guys.
Agree with everything being said. Oh...and one other thing... she doesn’t want you to unblock her so you can be friends. She wants you to unblock her so she can A) Keep an eye on you and make comments on your photos to scare off other people and B) more importantly, she wants you to be able to see her posts so you can see how much better her life is without you in it. Do NOT be fooled Steve. This isn’t about being friends. This is about her wanting to maintain control and keep you solidly as Plan B... or in her case... Plan Z. Keep moving forward my friend. You cannot fix something that you didn’t break. She was never yours...it was just your turn. (((HUGS)))
I believe your focus is in the wrong place.
I understand what you guys are saying. I did over for that but I felt at that point I wanted to just get the animosity over with. She invited me to Disneyland with the kids. I said no. They are down there now. I just can’t keep playing the kids emotions when she wants to act like family.
She also asked me to move the storage for her consolidate it, I told her I would do it, but for $200 since a company will charge 300 at least. She looked surprised but I am $200 richer.
She honestly thought I’d never quit, never see my own value. She thought wrong. She asked me to unblock her from my social media and be friends. I told her maybe some day but not for the foreseeable future.
I’m doing great otherwise. Thanks for following along everyone it helps me a ton. And I appreciate it
Hey Steve -
Just a quick reminder that we are all trying to help out, even if we seem a little hard on you. Trust me, it's good to have people here help hold you accountable, so don't get discouraged.
You are trending in the right direction, so keep up the good work.
Focus on less communication with your WW and keep declining those invites from her by using as few words as possible as recommended by the others. Your WW reaching out is all bait designed to keep you stuck on her while she goes off and finds her next victim. Don't be fooled, she is a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Hang in there.
I believe your focus is in the wrong place.
I understand what you guys are saying. I did over for that but I felt at that point I wanted to just get the animosity over with. She invited me to Disneyland with the kids. I said no. They are down there now. I just can’t keep playing the kids emotions when she wants to act like family.
She also asked me to move the storage for her consolidate it, I told her I would do it, but for $200 since a company will charge 300 at least. She looked surprised but I am $200 richer.
She honestly thought I’d never quit, never see my own value. She thought wrong. She asked me to unblock her from my social media and be friends. I told her maybe some day but not for the foreseeable future.
I’m doing great otherwise. Thanks for following along everyone it helps me a ton. And I appreciate it
The issue here is that Steve_ used to be overly attached by 1000x normal. Now he is down to 50x, but it is still way too much.
I did not have this convo over text, i dont reply to text. I had the convo when I dropped off the kids.
Since she has been in disneyland she has sent me photos of things going on. Thats it, no more than that. I responded by thumbs upping the ones with the children. But I do not engage otherwise. I only did this thing with the storage since my stuff is in there as well, and if I consolidate it, I told her I will not be giving her $100 a month to split the storage fee so that saves me $100.
Otherwise I say and do nothing whatsoever.
Drop-offs need to get done with no face-to-face with her. Your kids are old enough to pull that off.
Yeah I agree, but I was handing her a greeting card for Mother’s Day and my god son’s birthday. She answered the door instead of the in-laws.
I also know that the social media stuff is her way to try to manipulate, which is exactly why she remains blocked. I hope someday she will become a better person, healthier and stronger without needing men’s attention to feel good. Maybe someday she will realize what she threw away. But not any time soon. And people usually change when the pain of staying the same forces them to, she has not felt the real pain yet. I have nothing much to say to her really. It’s very simple. I see her games for what they are and believe 0% of what she says and even what she does.
I am more concerned with me right now, I got a IV certification class coming up and I’m thinking of looking for a better paying job soon as well.
Since she has been in Disneyland she has sent me photos of things going on. That's it, no more than that. I responded by thumbs upping the ones with the children.
So what would happen to you Steve if you didn't send the thumbs up?
I also know that the social media stuff is her way to try to manipulate, which is exactly why she remains blocked.
You are a wise man!
I hope someday she will become a better person, healthier and stronger without needing men’s attention to feel good.
I would give that about a .0000001 percent chance of happening.
Maybe someday she will realize what she threw away.
What did she throw away? Why do you think it is so easy for her to throw it away?
But not any time soon. And people usually change when the pain of staying the same forces them to, she has not felt the real pain yet.
What kind of pain do you think she is going to feel? Why do you think she will feel it?
I have nothing much to say to her really. It’s very simple.
It really is that simple to us here.
I see her games for what they are and believe 0% of what she says and even what she does.
You are a wise man!
I am more concerned with me right now, I got a IV certification class coming up and I’m thinking of looking for a better paying job soon as well.
Great!
Yeah I agree, but I was handing her a greeting card for Mother’s Day and my god son’s birthday. She answered the door instead of the in-laws.
Always an excuse. Your 7 year-old can't carry a greeting card to her?
Yeah I agree, but I was handing her a greeting card for Mother’s Day and my god son’s birthday. She answered the door instead of the in-laws.
"I agree, but" = an excuse. Usually overcoming an excuse simply requires trying, but if you get stuck, let us know and we'd be happy to offer guidance. You must know there are at least millions of divorced couples in the world myself included who manage to exchange kids without talking to each other.
Maybe someday she will realize what she threw away. she has not felt the real pain yet
If she becomes a better person--healthier, stronger, and not needing a man's attention--she'll probably seek a man who similarly doesn't need her attention or another woman's. You're slowly getting there.
You don't know what she felt before BD. LBSs often underestimate that pain before their pain.
What did she throw away? On the one hand, you displayed admirable loyalty. On the other hand, you valued yourself so little you went to great lengths to try to win over a 7x cheater shacked up with your "best friend". You saw her as high value compared to you, even imagining she could have anyone she wanted, while most of us said "ewww". Hopefully, a bit further along now, you realize like most men we'd say "ewww" to an LTR with her due to her ugly personality, even if she lived 5mi away and looked like <insert supermodel here> when airbrushed. You were dating a serial cheater. She was dating a man with no self-esteem who accepts dubious friends. You can hope she raises her standards for her and your kids, but you can only fix you. (:
Just a quick reminder that we are all trying to help out, even if we seem a little hard on you. Trust me, it's good to have people here help hold you accountable, so don't get discouraged.
I went for a hike with my dog yesterday. I checked out what was wrong with the front end of my car. I made six people laugh when I got my covid shot. I made deep fried chicken wings. I updated my routers firmware to dd-wrt. I took photos of flowers and sent them to my mom. I sent my last child support check to X-wife 2 weeks ago. I sent a link of a funny video to my daughter. I washed my sleeping bag this past weekend. It has gortex, so it took FOREVER(over 9 hours in dryer) to dry. Still has one section that is not completely dry. I cleaned my car. I talked to my mom for 45 minutes yesterday. I help get a dog back to its owner yesterday. It was running loose in the road. I am thinking about trimming up my covid beard. It is 4" long.
What percentage did I bring up the kids mother? What percentage of the post was about me?
Well I had a fancy bottle of whiskey to hand over as a gift for my friends birthday didn’t want my 7 year old dropping it he also had his school backpack.. I know excuses...
I got what you guys are saying, and I know its hard to believe but my actual real day to day involves her maybe 1-5% due to children. But when I post here I mention things with her because those are the issues I have that I need help with.
I dont really journal that I washed my truck, bought chicken to start portioning meals, spent an hour on the phone catching up with my mother, helped my sister and her husband learn how to communicate better and he is moving back home, etc.... my life is easy, simple and good. I post about the stuff that I need to work on mainly. But I suppose I could post all the other things going on for a better picure of steve's day to day
Steve,
Why the thumbs up emoji? What would happen if you didn't respond at all?
I washed my sleeping bag this past weekend. It has gortex, so it took FOREVER(over 9 hours in dryer) to dry.
lmao! I can relate. I don't have a front-loader so I have to sit at a laundrymat to clean those.
Yesterday, I took my S to the dentist and helped him with 2 teacher appreciation projects and to e-mail a photo and message to a teacher he liked who was retiring. She was his first student. To show gratitude for good teachers. To teach my son to show gratitude. I enjoyed the teacher's enthusiastic reply. I spent an hour talking to my D about the French Revolution and Napoleon--her AP exam is soon. I rewarded her considerable efforts with chocolate / salted caramel brownies that we all baked together. (Non-GAL - I did spend an hour considering my ex's allegation I'm not a good person--before blocking her again as a detractor in my life. 4%, but only for 2 days) On the dating front, I spent 30min chatting with an interesting lady I'll date Saturday, and because I value me, put the compassionate boundary smack down on another lady I'll date tonight. I did some cleaning up around my home. I listened to part of an audiobook on the warrior way and watched a 30-min show on home improvements. I spoke to the other members of the non-profit board I lead about an upcoming event and succession plans. Life is good, with or without partners/dates.
my actual real day to day involves her maybe 1-5% due to children.
My day-to-day involves 0% of my XW due to the children. Spending 1-5% of your day on her is a choice, and one that makes your detachment a much slower process than for others. At pick-up, the kids walked out of the house into her car. She and I waved. That's 10sec out of 24hrs in a day, or 0.01%?
Note my reaction to my XGF taking up 4% of my attention two days in a row. I blocked her texts. I don't want that level of attachment or time commitment unless someone adds value to my life. How about you?
It's amazing how simple right choices can be sometimes. (:
Your XW doesn't spark joy. Marie Kondo would tell you to drop her into a bin! "Thank you for your service, XW, I needed you to help me realize my self-worth, and now your purpose in my life is done for now."
Since she has been in Disneyland she has sent me photos of things going on. That's it, no more than that. I responded by thumbs upping the ones with the children.
So what would happen to you Steve if you didn't send the thumbs up? (propbably an angry text saying something like "wow you cant even respond about the kids?"
I also know that the social media stuff is her way to try to manipulate, which is exactly why she remains blocked.
You are a wise man! (thanks! I know thats all it is)
I hope someday she will become a better person, healthier and stronger without needing men’s attention to feel good.
I would give that about a .0000001 percent chance of happening. (Yeah she is 33, pretty set in her way, itll be man to man to man Im guessing.)
Maybe someday she will realize what she threw away.
What did she throw away? Why do you think it is so easy for her to throw it away? (I feel she threw away a solid foundation for the future for herself and our kids. Im a good man with a good career and a good father, and now she will have to endure the step-family, financial instability, children resenting her and the loss of that organic family that we all had, along with the home in arizona and her relationship with her own family who now have to move without us and the kids. Really its the loss of a stable and healthy family that really supported her, now they are all angry and resentful toward her.
But not any time soon. And people usually change when the pain of staying the same forces them to, she has not felt the real pain yet.
What kind of pain do you think she is going to feel? Why do you think she will feel it? Same reasons as I covered for the loss issue. And also because I essentially took care of everything for the kids and took care of her when she got sick and that was often, she wont have that any more and her health isnt going to get better.
I have nothing much to say to her really. It’s very simple.
It really is that simple to us here. (The less I say to her the easier my life is)
I see her games for what they are and believe 0% of what she says and even what she does.
You are a wise man! (took a long time but thanks)
I am more concerned with me right now, I got a IV certification class coming up and I’m thinking of looking for a better paying job soon as well.
Great!
(appreciate it)
But when I post here I mention things with her because those are the issues I have that I need help with.... But I suppose I could post all the other things going on for a better picture of steve's day to day
The point I was attempting to make was more "I statements" and less "Her statements".
I believe we are all here attempting to make positive changes to our behavior. Others can see our own flaws much better than we see our own. Making those changes is unnatural. We all have choices to make on how we respond to others when we interact with them. Easiest choice is to do what we are comfortable doing. Getting out of our comfort zone is how we learn and grow.
You already know Sandi's rules. Now you just have to make sure you are following them.
probably an angry text saying something like "wow you cant even respond about the kids?"
So are you afraid to make her angry?
(Yeah she is 33, pretty set in her way, it'll be man to man to man I'm guessing.)
I thought she was older? This will take longer then I thought. How old are you?
I'm a good man with a good career and a good father, and now she will have to endure the step-family, financial instability, children resenting her and the loss of that organic family that we all had, along with the home in Arizona and her relationship with her own family who now have to move without us and the kids. Really its the loss of a stable and healthy family that really supported her, now they are all angry and resentful toward her.
99% of the LBS here can say the same. I know I can. My ex-father-in-law was furious with my ex. Laid into her and made her cry. Guess how long that lasted? Until she moved into her new house and he took care of everything including the yard and the painting. Why? Because that's his daughter. His flesh and blood.
The quicker you realize and move on the less pain you will have to deal with.
I am not afraid of the BS im just dodging it. Why even deal with it, and im sure you are right, in time they will get over it and support all her stupid ass choices because she has them manipulated as well with her fits of rage if people do not comply with her demands.
im 36 and she is 33 bout to be 34, yeah this is gonna be a long ride for sure....
at this point I am over it. Its easier to just sit quiet then to engage in any type of drama. Thats what I do, that and consider how to do it better next time around with someone better.
im sure you are right, in time they will get over it and support all her stupid ass choices because she has them manipulated as well with her fits of rage if people do not comply with her demands.
They'll support her because they value family and she's their flesh and blood and you are not. Your wife could be a master manipulator, an okay manipulator, or no manipulator at all with the same outcome.
Thats what I do, that and consider how to do it better next time around with someone better.
That's largely up to you and what behavior you accept next time around. (:
I am not afraid of the BS im just dodging it. Why even deal with it, and im sure you are right, in time they will get over it and support all her stupid ass choices because she has them manipulated as well with her fits of rage if people do not comply with her demands.
im 36 and she is 33 bout to be 34, yeah this is gonna be a long ride for sure....
at this point I am over it. Its easier to just sit quiet then to engage in any type of drama. Thats what I do, that and consider how to do it better next time around with someone better.
Steve_ have you done anymore related to IC?
Yeah I still have the IC through the VA. I got another appointment coming up this Friday. I did stop the anti-depressants though. They cause me some serious excess sweating and weight gain and I have been pretty well stable for a few months as far as dealing with everything.
The Stbxw and I have reached a point where we are just friends. She asked me to come paint the room at her moms for my daughter and I agreed. I want to do those things for my daughter still. And tbh I felt it would help sort of make peace with the Stbxw. She talked about how after I finished the paperwork she got surprised and sad and made the mistake of running right back to OM she left me for. Apparently he has been holding his promise up to stay out of it until I signed. Then they started messing around again. And it was hard for her to tell me that because she knows the kids would hate her guts for that. I did tell her I had been talking to someone else as well. She was excited and wanted to know more information. I told her that it is not serious that she is just a friend and that we had only met a couple times. The stbxw asked me not to bring her around the kids for at least 3 months, which I told her “of course” and she said “I learned my lesson there” and she proceeded to tell me she wants me to be happy, she hopes I don’t bad mouth her to this girl so that they can be friends, and that she hopes she is good with kids and etc etc etc.
I do plan on slowly going forward with this girl and seeing what is there. She is a really good person and has a strong faith based approach on her life. We have been really good friends for a couple months over the phone. I did tell stbxw that I respected her choice when she ran off with OM and didn’t do anything crazy to bother him/her and I would appreciate if she would also give me that respect. I let her know that there is really no more need for the games and I deserve to move on and find happiness and she needs to respect that.
She agreed and seemed excited for me, a lot of the anger in her face sort of changed. She teared up and apologized for the games she had played with me. It seems like her only goal now is to be friends, love her single party life and I’m okay with that. I asked her to please make good choices for the kids and she promised to.
But I do not trust her, not even a little. So I gave her next to no info about ow. So she cannot do anything to mess it up and tbh ow is not even a thing yet, she is just someone that I want to see if anything is there because when I was not looking for anyone she kinda fell out of the sky and has been super good to me and for me. I would be a fool to ignore it.
I’ve had opportunities to see other women as I’ve gone out a few times but nobody special. Nothing I wanted to get into especially during this process. This girl is different and deserves a shot. So I wanted to make sure everything with stbxw was ironed out before I even get involved. I wanted to do this the right way and not as some game or rebound or whatever people do just in case over time this ow turns out to be more than a friend.
I am not going to rush into anything. I am smarter than that. I realize I am high value man and this girl is a very good person that deserves not to be toyed with for some kind of me covering up my pain etc etc.. that is why I had to file, had to move on with the D, I knew stbxw would run back to OM it’s impossible for her to stay alone. And I knew that would hurt. But I couldn’t keep on holding myself back from happiness just to sort of keep my stbxw’s bad choices at bay. That’s on her. The convo we had yesterday while I helped moved things from storage was really nice, she was awesome about it, there was a lot of closure and just bonding as co-parents, hugging some crying. She told me that she feels she made the mistake of gambling that I would never quit and when I did a couple weeks ago she knows it was her fault. I did hold-out for so many months because I thought maybe some slight way this could be repaired. But when I filed I had come to terms with the fact it cannot, made peace with the potential for step-dads In my kids like, oms and all that. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I know I deserve to also be happy and I cannot control what choices stbxw makes. It’s gonna be painful for a long time but she wants to be included in my life and be there for me and so on. She told me she will keep her life insurance under my name and medical stuff as well because she knows I will be the rock for the kids. She admired her choices have been bad, I apologized for the things I did wrong as well. And over all it was really good. That was really something I needed for me to have that closure and be okay.
Coming up, I got a counseling session with some friends going through it, they want me to sort of mediate things for their R. I have been sort of supporting them through a lot, (work friends) and they are going to come over and read some books with me. (5 love languages, some highlighted stuff for him from 3% man and some things out of DB and DR.) I know it’s hard to to take your own advice but I learned a lot over this time.
I’m helping 2 of my buddies with nursing school, I’ve made plans to go out with an old friend from work in a few weeks up to the Sierra Nevada’s for fly fishing and so on. It’s been hard for me to accept this outcome in life but each day that passes I feel okay about it more and more.
This girl is different and deserves a shot. So I wanted to make sure everything with stbxw was ironed out before I even get involved. I wanted to do this the right way and not as some game or rebound or whatever people do just in case over time this ow turns out to be more than a friend.
Steve,
You are by far the most broken LBS i have ever seen.. With serious issues - especially co dependancy / addiction to your ex..
Here you are a few weeks later referencing "OW"...
Seriously. If the "OW" as you put it knows your history, she probably has her own "baggage galore" - To coin a phase, "broken attracts broken"..
Any woman with value would run a mile. Read some of Gingers posts about dating recently seperated guys.
You need to focus on your kids and you - not some other quick fix...
But as per usual, you will ignore any advice that doesnt suit, then post on here how x, y, z happened..
You really do love the rollercoaster ride that your life has become !
oh and 3 months before introducing the children !!!!!!
3 months.. Seriously..
Your kids have been through more than most children...
3 years is closer to the money - 3 months , 6 months 12 months - in your sitch it makes you as bad as the ex..
Introducing OW to kids any time before 2023 is a quick fix for you to play happy families.. until it all goes south and the kids are left spinning again.
One more thing to add. I know going out and looking for an OW is a bad idea. Which is why I never did. Never went on apps or dated or anything. That’s not how you get through this in a healthy way. I prayed a lot and stayed away from bars, clubs, women etc.. for this 8 months we been separated I have just focused on the kids and standing for the M alone. The OW came into my life as a friend and we began to talk about her past R’s my current R and about faith, sending each other sermons and kind of deducing what they meant. She just moved away for school 4 hours from here so I have been supporting her big life change too. I met her a couple times before she moved away to go out for dinner and so forth. Totally with no kind of intention for anything besides friendship. But over the couple of months that we talked I became more interested and wondered why god chose to put this woman on my path. I am not looking for an R here, I know it’s not a good idea but I also won’t ask for blessings and then refuse to accept them. I have to allow that in my life I deserve that and that’s why I took the steps I did, made peace with stbxw and everything. So I won’t be doing anything I should be ashamed of, in secret, or etc.. I have children and I don’t want them to see dad doing stuff like mom did. So to prevent some kind of bad disaster I chose to get my Sitch squared away on all 4 corners before even entertaining a female friend/ companion of any kind. I have a lot to still do for me, and I don’t need anyone. And that is where I wanted to be.
Yeah trust me Mr. B I have absolutely no intention of introducing this girl to my kids. That was stupid advice from Stbxw. Not something I find valid. Also I use OW as the terminology here on the board, it’s not that kind of thing yet. This “OW” is literally a friend I talked to on the phone for a couple months who is a great person and has a high interest. That’s why I meant by “deserves a shot” I know I have a lot of healing to do. And there is zero chance of me dating anyone for a king time seriously. The fact she is not in this town is the reason I even continue on talking to her. I don’t need that turbulence and I got a long ways to go on myself. Before I can be an actual partner to anyone, I know that. I think I may have confused what I meant here but this is not an OW in the sense of OW for the board it’s like just another woman in my life if that makes sense. Believe that I would never go into any kind of R this broken and expect it to work well. That’s a bad idea and I know it. This is a friendship which maybe in a long time could be more. I still will be doing whatever else I need to do and I am not focused on it. But I just wanted to also get to a place elf accepting things before I continue with this friendship in case it ends up being more. That’s what I am trying to express. That and posting it here so I can avoid mistakes going forward.
Steve_, the only way you know for sure that you do not need anyone........is to be alone for a period of time and be happy and healthy. I am afraid that you only moved on from STBXW because of this new woman. This is the WORST thing a codependent person can do. Use someone to get over another. I know you don't see it that way, but whether you are willing to admit it or not this is what you are doing. You don't go from jumping the moment the STBXW showed the smallest willingness to get back together, to moving forward with the D and being completely at peace with it this quickly.
Your life, your choice, but I unfortunately see you having a lot of issues in the future with a new person until you work on becoming the best version of yourself.
Steve_, the only way you know for sure that you do not need anyone........is to be alone for a period of time and be happy and healthy. I am afraid that you only moved on from STBXW because of this new woman. This is the WORST thing a codependent person can do. Use someone to get over another. I know you don't see it that way, but whether you are willing to admit it or not this is what you are doing. You don't go from jumping the moment the STBXW showed the smallest willingness to get back together, to moving forward with the D and being completely at peace with it this quickly.
Your life, your choice, but I unfortunately see you having a lot of issues in the future with a new person until you work on becoming the best version of yourself.
I don’t want that either Steve, I don’t want that to be the case here. I have considered just telling this girl I can’t even be friends right now. Honestly I’m not sure what the right thing to do here is. Which is why I posted it. I do feel okay with how things are because I know stbxw is never going to be good to me /for me. I did accept that before even meeting this girl and I filed before meeting her because I did not want her to be the “reason” I finished the D. And by filed I don’t mean like started, I mean I laid the filing fee so it will be finalized in 2 months. I did that BEFORE meeting this girl ever. Because I know how bad it is to use someone else to get over someone else. But it still seems like this could be a bad idea because of how long it took me to finish the D and now I’m talking to someone else doesn’t look good to people. I get that. I’m aware of that. And I am considering just backing away and sort of not continuing with the friendship. It would just be a shame since this girl is a really really good person. So idk what to do here.
There is also contra-indicated advice as well. People like CW a popular dating coach and so forth tell you to get out there, and interact with people. I have been doing that for awhile, men, women, co-workers. I have had plenty of girls shoot thier shot and didn’t go there. Because I knew it was a mistake. So I’m not firing this off the cuff Willy nilly. Hence the reason I even posted about it.
Omigosh, Steve_!, instead of working on your co-dependence and learning to be happy as an individual, you’re bringing a new woman into your chaos. If she’s a good woman, why not give yourself and her the gift of NC for 4 months and working hard on your co-dependence issues we’ve all noted, and then date her?
You may have the scarcity mindset I used to have that a high-value partner will be snapped up quickly—act fast! Actually, high-value people are not in a hurry to commit to anyone unless they’re a great fit for our lives. They have options. Also, I think the stats were 20% of singles over 30 have secure attachment styles. Most dates may not be good choices, but your odds are high of a decent match within 10-20 dates.
I bet you’ll dive in and repeat your rollercoaster. I hope not. It’s suspicious that a high-value person wouldn’t detect your anxiety/co-dependence and suggest a pause or move on. Keep in mind that even though 20% have secure attachment styles, those who are anxious tend to attract and choose the other types.
Hate to break it to you, Steve, but your WW doesn't want to be your friend. She's just happy you're off of her a$$ and she's able to do what she wants more freely. She still has you under her thumb and she knows it. You say you don't believe anything she says, but then you just turn around and believe everything she says. She's got you painting rooms and running errands like her little house boy and has you fooled into thinking you're in control of the situation. Why you continue to play house with her blows my mind...
Steve,
So there is so much involved in your situation and you a very good at cherry picking advice that suits your narrative. So first off after all that you posted on here we are supposed to believe it’s all koombiya (sp) with your ex after one talk? The conversation reeked of manipulation on both ends.
Yes you should be out interacting with other people including women. That doesn’t mean trying to lock them down in a relationship to satisfy your codependent ways. If you do it will most likely end very badly for someone including your children.
Getting to a good place Is hard. I still struggle with things. That’s why most people lead below average to mediocre lives.
Good point cwarrior.
That’s why I brought it up. I need to be smart, I need to make good choices, I need to do things correctly.
It’s real easy to try to look for comfort in another person and I cannot do that here, I know that.
Honesty if she lived in the same city I would even be friends with her. I have avoided all of that
Where I live for that reason.
I have a lot of work to do on myself and my focus is getting my RN done. Finding a better paying job and a better place to live. I know full well now is NOT the time for an R. Not for at least another 6-8 months of moving past this D, getting back into school and laying the foundation for my own life solid. I get that. I brought her up so I can ensure I don’t make mistakes again. I know what I need to be focused on and I want to stay there.
Yeah I agree with you guys. I felt like hmm.. this is too good to be true with the stbxw. It sounded nice and i hope there is some kinda truth to this but i did feel off and since you mention it i noticed it o the spot, She is being so cool about this,
Immediately I felt like she let out this Sigh of relief like “oh well now I don’t have to feel so bad for banging OM behind everyone’s back”. It essentially has nothing to do with her wanting me to be happy, it’s more like, wow now I can do whatever and he is not this “perfect standing spouse” so I’m guilt free.
That’s what I got from what she said. And honestly that’s fine, because she was gonna do it either way so now she can not hide it and enjoy herself. /shrug.
I am doing the things for the house 1. Because it’s for my daughters room, it was really important to her when we were going to move to AZ I had it all setup a princess bed, the walls painted, it’s was a little girl’s dream. And that got taken away by the ex when she picked up the kids and moved them in with OM. I wanted to give her that back. She was devastated when I painted over her brand new princess room I had just told her was her future. She bragged out it to her little friends she was so happy. I wanted to give that back.
The storage unit I share with the ex (2 of them) I pay for the second one $100 a month. I consolidated it yesterday so I don’t gotta cough up the $100 anymore. And yes to be friendly and such for the future when I move forward to have a good parent relationship with the ex. She will need me as a voice of reason when she is doing stupid shiz and my kids are involved. I need to at least be able to have her ear for stuff like that so they don’t get destroyed again.
I don’t believe the ex wants me to move on. She absolutely believes that any snap of her finger and she can have me back. That’s fine, let her believe that. Hopefully she will find a decent om that is good for her and the kids and leave me alone.
Also LH, the very LAST thing I want is to push anyone into an R with me lol. I figure I will get dumped/ghosted/ blown off for not committing at least a few times before Ms. Right is found. I have too much work to do on myself and no woman is gonna take me off my path again. The Ex wasted so much of my life with her games and manipulations and affairs I should have been working on my nurse practitioner now not my RN. But I allowed it, I won’t again. If a woman doesn’t like my slow deliberate, kids first, career first pace. Off you go.
The correct relationship will be effortless, I can be all of me and at my pace and it will just work. And that is when I will know, until then I push forward carefully and deliberately toward a better life for me and my babies.
She asked me to come paint the room at her moms for my daughter and I agreed.
What did you ask her to do for you?
The Stbxw and I have reached a point where we are just friends.
Do you know how PuppyDogTails declaration to his wife about being friends after D went? Do you know why that worked?
Please start a new thread and link both of your threads together.
“One of the best things you can do to dramatically increase the quality of your life is to start talking to strangers and making small talk everywhere you go. Developing your social skills and the ability to make small talk is essential to getting what you want in your career, social life and romantic life. When you can strike up conversations with total strangers anywhere and anytime, you can make friends, allies and create rapport with potential romantic prospects at will. This will grow your confidence and make you a people person who is easy going and easy to talk to. When people like you because you took the time to take a sincere authentic interest in who they are as a human being, it makes it really hard to say no to you. It’s hard to say no to someone we like. This gives you the power to influence others when you make it easy for people to like you.” Unknown writer.
LH. I am a people person! That’s the thing, I always have so many friends and I tell a story that somehow people just gravitate towards. This whole past year has been my dark times. But I am always a prescence, I don’t mean to sound like a arrogant butthole or anything but I always am a leader in life, at work, with family, and friends people come to me for advice people adore our friendships and I lost track of that. I can talk to a Muslim guy from a hardware store as easy as a crystal meth tweaker on the street as seamlessly as a devout Christian southern baptist woman in a Georgia church. My time in the military allowed me to really become cultured. And one of the main reasons I had to pay for my D to be done was because I felt my light being stifled. And that’s just not who I am. I was losing myself, I’m such a personality and so lighthearted, my mom says “you never known a stranger” and I felt like I was beginning to not even know who I am anymore. Holding on was destroying me. And I had to let go. Among other things that was a big driving force. But I will start my best thread and thank you so much for all the comments and thoughts and following!