Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: Steve_ Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 04:20 PM
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2915325&page=11

Previous thread.

Yeah you guys are right, I did get the app just to chit chat with people. I guess I thought interaction with others would help me feel less isolated. But I am nowhere close to dating anyone. I thought I would feel better to feel "normal" again and be able to start over just talking to a stranger about random everyday life stuff. So far out of 5 matches they want a husband or to have you take them out and pay for them. Yep, was a bad idea. Just deleted the account. I suppose I was trying to find a way to not be so lonely, but that is selfish of me to do, waste peoples time when I dont want anyone.

Im just gonna focus back on the gym, kids, work and so forth. The lonliness I will eventually get used to and be okay with. A dating app is not a good healthy distraction I gotta do this until I get to point where im actually okay alone at least 6 more months from now probably longer. (thats what my therapist friend said) I guess a lot of people have pushed me to go out and see other girls and "move on" sort of felt like if I didnt I was a loser. But actually I feel wrong about even putting myself out there since I am not even close to available inside. Now that I think about it, im still trying to do too much to avoid the pain of all this. I just gotta face reality, this is gonna be crappy for a long time, no cutting around it.

Thanks guys, I felt like it might be a bad idea but all my buddies at work pushed me to do it, said "just try" okay, I tried, not feeling it. Other than that everything else is fine.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 04:31 PM
And to answer your question, if she came back and said "lets fix this" I would at this time probably want to but not do it. Each day that goes by I feel I want this M less and less, its just not a good idea, I will end up right back in this scenario later, kids suffering again later, etc.. I feel like why do it all again. Im just barely accepting the reality of it now. Im not gonna run through hell and barely make it out, just to have a seat again in it later. Yes, even me, mr worse WW and most attatched dude ever can see that this is messed up. I was absolutely destroyed for about 4-5 months. This last month has been waffling like hell for both of us and its just plain stupid. Its best to accept and walk away, not even move on to dating just move on to myself for awhile. I get that now, I really do.

And also some other dude will take her, shes very pretty. She will get whatever/whoever she wants. I dont think I will be some kind of last resort choice. She has many that chase her, honestly I am the only thing holding her back from moving on with my little efforts. But since those stopped recently, she's become more distant, which makes things easier.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 04:47 PM
Originally Posted by Steve
suppose I was trying to find a way to not be so lonely, but that is selfish of me to do, waste peoples time when I dont want anyone. A dating app is not a good healthy distraction I gotta do this until I get to point where im actually okay alone at least 6 more months from now probably longer. (thats what my therapist friend said)

Great, Steve. I'm at month 2.5 of 5 of no dating myself. I'm happy--90% of the time--without anyone else. Yesterday, I helped my D with her AP exams, had a beautiful hike with my S, and had a great night with an old friend. I suspect that baseline will make me less likely to accept or stay with a partner like my ex or your ex. There are lonely moments--they pass. My day is not filled with loneliness. I'm chatting with other men and women just not via dating. There are a gazillion sites and apps for meeting people to do what you enjoy--e.g., radio control or whatever else you're into or may want to try just now.

Originally Posted by Steve
I feel wrong about even putting myself out there since I am not even close to available inside.

You also have not worked through what is broken in you that you accepted and stayed with a serial cheater. Until you fix that via therapy, you are likely to repeat that pattern in future relationships. Most of us would not have been attracted to your ex-wife and would not have tolerated what she put you through.
Posted By: Thornton Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 04:50 PM
The only way to heal is to allow yourself to feel the pain, Steve.

Just like an addict coming off heroin, it's horrible and painful. You are a codependent addicted to a narcissist.

You're going to have to go through withdrawals in order to make it to the other side. It's going to hurt, and it's going to be lonely for quite a while, learn to be ok with that and stop fighting it.

What you resist, persists. Stop looking for shortcuts.

One piece of advice my IC told me which really helped was to "make friends" with my pain and to not fight it. The more you experience the pain and don't try to numb it through alcohol, women, sex etc., the less of a grip it will have over you.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 05:03 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
And also some other dude will take her, shes very pretty. She will get whatever/whoever she wants.

No, she only wields that power over broken men. Maybe she can get most men INTO BED (based on attraction), but that's different from getting most men INTO A RELATIONSHIP (based on attraction and values). She fails 3 of 4 values I seek in a partner. She would be unlikely to get a 2nd or 3rd date with me.

Originally Posted by Steve
I dont think I will be some kind of last resort choice.

She continues to play with you because at least she realizes she may need MrLastResort.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 05:40 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
And also some other dude will take her, shes very pretty. She will get whatever/whoever she wants.

Steve no offense but I would have zero interest dating your STBXW so she can't have whomever she wants.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 05:46 PM
Sheís beautiful but absolutely psychotic, but some other dude will want her?

Doesnít speak much to the male species
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 05:50 PM
Thornton Im sitting next to a psychiatrist right now, he asked me how im doing so I took the free advice. He said what you said in other words thornton. Good advice. I will take it.

I did consider downloading bumble it has a BFF mode. No dating just friends. Honestly I wouldnt mind hooking up with a couple guys that want to learn how to fish, hunt, camping etc. I think that might be good for me and one of the other therapists here suggested it. I can meet new people but only to do cool stuff with, no emotional attachments. I used to have a BFF when i was a Ft.Benning GA, we did everything together, paintball, hunting, fishing, all of it. He was a cool dude and I miss him. Honestly maybe that is what I need right now, just a cool buddy to do stuff with that isnt part of this dramatic chaos.

I havent tried the RC car forum thing there is a bunch of people that used to do them before covid. I am just a beginner at it. But seems like something that can be fun outdoors and so on.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 05:56 PM
Yeah ginger, the thing is that most men dont know these things, lots of us see that pretty face and tend to believe whatever story we want to hear. We project our attraction onto the woman. They will see her for whatever she wants them to see. Until like previous OM did, its too late and he just about threw his life away. Seems like his W is willing to take him back but on her terms, seems he got lucky. He was also a needy little weak boy that wanted a pretty woman to fix his sad, boring, stuck life. He fell for it, so will others. Men fall in love through thier eyes most of the time. They see the girl and start imagining the future, until the real stuff comes out.

Tbh she will most likely end up with another OM in some sort of "situationship" since she wont want to leave her mom's house to get it when they move out in several months. She also wont want to openly be with someone else for the family and especially my son's judgment of her. She will play with one or two guys until she has seen that she has actually lost me and her M. Then she just might come running back. Ill be ready, constantly remembering what horse shizz i delt with. It would be healthier for me to start pounding whiskey again, yeah not doing that either.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 06:15 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
Yeah ginger, the thing is that most men dont know these things, lots of us see that pretty face and tend to believe whatever story we want to hear.

uuuummm no.
Originally Posted by Steve_
We project our attraction onto the woman.

uuuummm no.
Originally Posted by Steve_
He was also a needy little weak boy that wanted a pretty woman to fix his sad, boring, stuck life. He fell for it, so will others.

Hmmmmm. This sounds familiar
Originally Posted by Steve_
Men fall in love through thier eyes most of the time.

Men's attraction is through there eyes. A real man will ditch the psycho once she eventually rears her ugly head.
Originally Posted by Steve_
She also wont want to openly be with someone else for the family and especially my son's judgment of her.

Didn't she live with a dude with your son also living there?
Originally Posted by Steve_
She will play with one or two guys until she has seen that she has actually lost me and her M.

I can't see that ever happening that she believes she lost you
Originally Posted by Steve_
Then she just might come running back.

Doubt it. Even so it wouldn't be permanent.
Originally Posted by Steve_
Ill be ready, constantly remembering what horse shizz i delt with.

Ready for what?
Posted By: Traveler Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 07:05 PM
Steve, I get in your mind your ex is an amazing temptress no man can resist. My last ex was a world-class athlete. As you go through IC, you'll hopefully begin to see her more like other men do.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 07:11 PM
Steve gets the Quote of the day:

ďItís always healthy to take several months off from dating after a breakup, and oftentimes even a year or more, if the previous relationship was a decade or longer. Why? You must take time to heal and learn to be happy again being alone by yourself. If you donít enjoy your own company and arenít having a blast living your life being single, itís going to be really hard to get a woman to be excited about your life when youíre not even excited about it. Enthusiasm and happiness is contagious and attractive. The best way to meet new women is a side effect of having a great social life full of friends, events and activities that you love doing for fun. People who like the same things tend to like each other. Like attracts like. Make a great life for yourself, and high quality women will seek you out.Ē ~ Coach Corey Wayne
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 08:04 PM
lol LH the stuff I said about men projecting their own attraction onto the woman, and so forth is straight from 3% man, its what guys do who don't know jack about ladies. Anyways Thats beside the point. And Im not gonna sit here and try to fortune teller the future. Just gonna worry about myself. I saw a pattern with her, and most people stay in patterns so I simply predicted what I think will happen.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 08:42 PM
Whatís ď3% ManĒ about? Hopefully, itís about healing trauma, co-dependency, and self-esteem.. being less focused on looks and more focused on values.. so you can enjoy a happier life? The title is a turnoffómore than 3% of men have reasonable self esteem and are in happy, healthy relationships, but thereís that Corey guy who has some good quotes and I try not to judge books by their cover or title!
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 08:51 PM
Its about 97% of men dont understand women. Because the do things like project their own attraction onto them and become far more interested in the woman than she is in them. Many of the things he points out are subtle call-outs on NGS. What I said about her finding other men is essentially this: Most men, will fall for/get with a beautiful woman who makes them feel proud that she is so attractive and so on. This will last awhile, if things all go well at first. Most single men tend to have zero issue dating a pretty girl......

Its not until later that the personality shows through... In other readings it seems that someone is usually able to hide the real them for approximately 90 days or so. Funny thats exactly how long she and OM lasted, not much more than 90 days. Then he became depressed and realized that she was insane, childish and not ready for a committed relationship. But his NGS made him stay, eventually my WW left him because "the kids made it too hard." So i am just of the opinion that she will go around and date for awhile and once I have finally detatched, and her parents move out she will be all alone with the kids and most likely then want me back. But I will be knowing thats coming already and not fall for it. It wouldnt be about serious change or remorse or anything, it will be about having to deal with kids alone or with someone else who wont deal with it all. Thats it.
Posted By: wayfarer Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 08:59 PM
1) Immediately stop distracting yourself from you, and the healing and work you need to do with ridiculous dating books and dating apps. CW can attest to this I have dozens upon dozens of books to recommend if you're looking for some self improvement reading that deal with what you really need to be addressing here. But I'm sorry you need to get in IC, and you need to take a very serious inventory of where you are right now mentally and emotionally and take action on that, not drowning out the pain and fear with distractions. You're supposed to grow through this disaster not wander your way into your own MLC.

2) Not to kick a man when he's down but you're fooling your self if you think there's a single self help book out there written by a middle aged straight man that's going to help you with with dating women. Any women. Even middle aged straight women. When you're in a place to actually date you shouldn't even need a book on that, but if you do I have recommendations for that too.

3) Another Stander or R2C one of the older vets has a whole list of books on here some where in the newbie threads that are recommended reading. That's another list of books you should seriously consider before that dating bunk. Maybe I can find it and link it here. There's a lot of good stuff on there, I know there's few about the distancer pursuer dynamic and a bunch of other stuff on relationships and self improvement. If anybody else had a better recall on it or can link it faster by all means, I'd take the help wink
Posted By: OnlyBent Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 10:50 PM
Hi Wayfarer

Quick question, have you read the book Steve is talking about and that you describe as ridiculous?

I have read the book, and whilst I don't agree with everything the guy says, a lot of what he says is synonymous with DBing. Live a great life, have a purpose, focus on yourself, want (not need) a relationship.

Here is the link to R2C's book suggestions:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061092&page=all

You'll see that the PUA book Rules of the Game is on there. A book you might find equally ridiculous re dating advice.

I'm not at all trying to be argumentative or have a go at you. I just do not believe in judging a book by its cover so to speak.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 11:07 PM
If im gonna be honest I am sort of over focusing on the books, Ive read them all many many times and i am sure that they will definately help in my next relationship. But this one is broken, and mostly it is not because of me, yes there were some things I did to not help it but end of the day I was a pretty good husband, and a good dad, even my WW admits it is not me, that Ive done nothing wrong, that its simply her, and also admitted how cliche that is. Of course im not pefect and losing someone from your life does have the tendancy to make you examine every mistake you ever made under a microscope for awhile and blame yourself even. But ultimately this course was set a long time ago and without knowing how it would end I was not aware of how to stop it. But what is done is done, so that is that. I dont need to focus on books, or some kind of intense crazy therapy 6 times a week. All I need to do i simply take a deep breath and find something else to fill my time with besides obsessing over my lost M. Eventually that will become the new normal that its gone.

I dont go to counseling or services for PTSD, and ive seen/done some things in the war that people would call horrific. When I go to counseling I have to re-live it over and over. I found that simply blocking it out helped, yes it didnt work right away and I had to get used to it being part of me now, but eventually the anxiety and pain and confusion from what happened and the guilt, anger etc started to subside in time. Yes it changed me but its history not present. Going to counseling and explaining it over and over and what I think about it was not effective for me, it just kept pulling the scab off the wound. I am certain my M will be the same, it will take time and once I can learn to accept that this is part of me now and just to let it wash over me and accept it, I will get better. And I am much better than I was not even a month and a half ago. Hopefully in another month it will be something that I dont think of as much as it slowly fades away.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/25/21 11:10 PM
Oh and last nite WW came to pick up the kids from me and I put them in the back seat, no hug or anything else just waved bye and went inside my apartment. Felt a bit weird not to at least hug, we always did, but now that I called her on the games she plays and pretty much didnt want to continue them, now there is no reason to fake anything. I guess its easier to have less contact but also hard. I wish I can just wake up and be over it. One day I will.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 02:17 AM
Originally Posted by Steve
Its not until later that the personality shows through... In other readings it seems that someone is usually able to hide the real them for approximately 90 days or so. Funny thats exactly how long she and OM lasted

That doesnít seem to the case with your ex. You said he was your mate, so he knew within a few dates, or couldíve known if he cared to, that she was still your wife and cheating on youóindicating she doesnít value honesty, fidelity, loyalty, or commitment. I had a couple 1-month girlfriends that were friends of exís of mine. One reached out to the ex before the first date, the other reached out to the ex between the second and third dates. One of his mistake was not caring or dating her anyway, like you and that night with the wine.

Originally Posted by Steve
I dont need to focus on books, or some kind of intense crazy therapy 6 times a week.

Itís no surprise the people who seem to repeat mistakes the most are also the most resistant to therapyówhich is normally one session per week. Your monkeys, your circus.
Posted By: may22 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 02:37 AM
Steve, have you tried EMDR? I have read a lot of very positive things about it and it is supposed to be very effective for PTSD and trauma recovery. You might look into it.
Posted By: Mumin Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 07:18 AM
Wow Steve, surprised you say you work in therapy.
You sure don't understand what good therapy is and what it can do for a an otherwise healthy (not insane) human.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 12:36 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
If I'm gonna be honest I am sort of over focusing on the books, I've read them all many many times and i am sure that they will definitely help in my next relationship.

Steve the problem is you are reading the books to attract your W back and as Cory Wayne says "cherry picking the information". His book is about attracting healthy women into your life. That is not your STBXW. She is not nor most likely ever will be a healthy woman. So his book will be no good for your STBXW. You would do better to read a PUA book to attract her back. It will take a really long time of consistent STRONG behavior for your STBXW to have a change heart. She sees you as a weak little doormat and will for a really long time.
Posted By: mtb1981 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 01:45 PM
Steve, it seems like you're in a better head space, but you still have a ways to go. My ex WW is an awful addict and most likely has some personality disorder, and I was codependent as you could possibly be. I had no clue at the time. I didn't even know what codependency was. I was also willing to let her run around doing dumb stuff, disrespecting me because I thought it was a phase and she would come back. That I could look past it because I loved her. Eventually the fog cleared and I realized how effed up my situation was. I finally let go and found peace. She's a mess and always will be. She always found a way to keep pulling me back in, just like your WW. I ate every little crumb she threw, until I realized how stupid I was for accepting that kind of treatment...

I totally get where you're coming from too when you talk about "blocking it all out". A lot of people are telling you to face the situation (you will need to eventually), but I had to do the same thing. It was all I could do to detach from the situation at the time. I just took care of myself and my kids and found whatever it was I could to distract myself. I needed to be completely out of the situation before I was able to start healing from it. My number one goal was to get her out of my life. I had to reach a point where I knew I'd never taker her back before I could let that wall down and start processing some of the later stages of grief. And when I did, it was a lot easier than i thought it would be...

One bit of advice, when she comes to get the kids, you don't need to buckle them in. You shouldn't even leave the house. Meet at the front door. Kids walk out. You say goodbye. You close the door. Simple. You're putting yourself out there like bait, just giving her opportunities to mess with you. And just wait. She will. She'd not near done yet...

I also have to ask, your wife and her parents from another country?...
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 02:33 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_

I dont go to counseling or services for PTSD, and ive seen/done some things in the war that people would call horrific. When I go to counseling I have to re-live it over and over. I found that simply blocking it out helped, yes it didnt work right away and I had to get used to it being part of me now, but eventually the anxiety and pain and confusion from what happened and the guilt, anger etc started to subside in time. Yes it changed me but its history not present. Going to counseling and explaining it over and over and what I think about it was not effective for me, it just kept pulling the scab off the wound.


This is one of the most concerning things I've ever read. Many PTSD sufferers have tried to take this route, only to have it manifest years/decades later in very unhealthy ways. Please reconsider viewing it this way. Counseling for PTSD isn't about about avoiding the pain, the it is to feel and process that pain. To work through it. You used the wound analogy. Your point was removing the scab. I'd argue that a scab never developed. In fact, you wrapped the wound in a bandage even though it was infected and not healing. By not seeing it you think it is good, but underneath that covering bad things are stirring.

Please, for the sake of yourself and your children do not try bury your PTSD.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 03:25 PM
I did try EMDR with an Ipad the VA gave me for awhile. I have gotten better, less nightmares and such. I just say blocking it out because I am sick and tired of being an emotional man that cares. And she never came over to drink that wine, actually I drank it last night with two girls from work. They came over to hang out. I never really let anyone come over of opposite sex but honestly I didnt care, they are just friends I am also friends with both of their boyfriends, they tell me their issues I tell them mine etc... they had fun and appreciated the wine at least lol.

Had to run past the house and drop my sons homework off and some AAA batteries for him. WW acted too cool for me, then asked if i wanted to hang out, I declined and went home. Made dinner called up my friend and they were like "we are coming over" It was fun, posted up a picture on my snapchat of them at my table with me and the expensive wine I got for the WW date haha and honestly I didnt feel "bad or wrong" about it. I felt like it was cool friends and its me doing something besides being a dad and a doormat husband. I think im gonna get me a selfie-stick and start hiking all over the place and putting up those things too. I want to start having a life besides just my kids and work. Thats all anyone ever sees on my social media. Wholesome things not partying or stupid stuff. I started to feel like some sorry loser that sits around waiting on WW to love him. I don't want that to be who I am.

Im just over being so damn soft, its not working out for me, being nice to her isnt gonna stop her from being wild, there is zero point in spending energy on her anymore, so Im just doing whatever else makes me happy and staying out of trouble.

and yes they are from another country.
Posted By: JosephS Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 04:07 PM
Your last update was an interesting read.

So you were at the in-laws house twice yesterday? I assume you dropped the kids off and than went back a second time with the homework? Or have you had the homework for a day or two? Why couldnít it have been dropped off at school for your son to take to his moms? And why did you have to drop off batteries? Is there a reason his mother or grand parents couldnít provide them? Steve to the rescue I suppose. Maybe some vets here will disagree with me, but when the kids are in her care, itís her responsibility to ensure they are taken care of without you needing to run and save her everyday from some trivial happening.

Seriously why canít you just stay away from that house? You really do find any excuse you can to go see her, I mean go to that house.

Iím sorry you only feel like youíre only a Dad and a door mat. Though I do question how appropriate it is to be drinking alone with two woman that are in committed relationships. You do say you know the boyfriends, but do they know their girlfriends are drinking alone with a guy whoís emotionally weak?

So were you able to accomplish your goal? Did you wife see the picks of you and the woman drinking? Did she get jealous and give you the attention you were going for?

Posted By: Traveler Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 04:19 PM
^^ Well-said, Joseph.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 04:51 PM
No yesterday I went to work, IL's are gone out of town. My son forgot his homework when WW picked him up the day before yesterday, so I took it over there. He doesnt go to school, its online and he needed it in the AM. And he wanted batteries called me like 5 times showing me his new toy so I figured I might as well take him some. WW complained kids were bad, and asked me to stay a bit, I said no and left. I would have always stayed, sat around the couch, been affectionate etc.. that was a big 180 for me to go over and actually leave and not hang around.

Yes the boyfriends know, we are all buddies, boyfriend came to pick her up. Other boyfriend is in LA and face timed us, we are all cool like that, And I dont care how emotionally vunerable I am, I wont sleep with my buddies girl or anyone really right now. I am not a toxic person like that. They really are like my girlfriends that tell me anything and vice-versa. The boyfriends respect me cause I respect them as well and tell them what goes on. Its not even a big deal.

TBH WW hasnt said anything about the photo, dont think she will, dont care if she does. Whats the difference? I could post a pic of me crying in a puddle over her or in vegas at a strip club... it makes no difference, she doesnt care lol. I just thought it was cool my friends came over. I am trying to plan a fishing trip with two of my guy friends from work on monday, thats what is on my mind.
Posted By: JosephS Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 05:33 PM
Very interesting

My kids are virtual too. Everything is done on laptops or tablets. Itís impossible to forget home work at least at my kids school unless they forget their laptops or tablets. Thatís just an odd way of doing virtual homework. And of course that brings up my next question. Youíve said in the past your kids werenít going to school because youíre wife wasnít making them. So they were virtual or are now that things are calming down? And she wasnít making them turn on a laptop or tablet? Thatís pathetic and lazy. On the bright side your school will keep track of this and a truancy letter will be coming if that behavior continues.

Iím glad the boyfriends are good buddies and donít mind them drinking with you. Different strokes for different folks.

And letís not kid ourselves. Regardless if your wife would or wouldnít care, you posted that for no other reason than for her to see it. And you will get a reaction out of it eventually. When itís convenient for her. But you do know that deep down.

Have a fun fishing trip.
Posted By: mtb1981 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 06:29 PM
Did your wife marry you to become a citizen?...
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 07:19 PM
Nope she was already a citizen before we got married.

And the kids have online school but paper homework to turn in. He would have needed it for today so I brought it.

Literally my co-worker friends were across the street at dinner at a restraint and asked me to come I told them I was making myself dinner but they could come gossip if they want I live across the street. Boyfriend was at work gonna come pick them up. It was not something I felt some type of way about. I had fun with friends over and I posted a pic of it because I like to share fun moments with friends it was not for any purpose to WW she made it clear to me she does not care what I do.

Well it seems she did. She was not nice this morning. School called and said kids are not in class and she texted me late last night about the kids going back to school in person I didnít answer as I had friends over. I called this morning at 11 and said ďhey, I got your message about the kids, but didnít want to wake you up, when do they start? This week? She said no after spring break, and I said okay, hey, are the kids in school now? She said no, she didnít get up to get them online.. i was like oh, I woke you up? she was like ďokay byeĒ in a rude tone.

I donít get it. She says she donít give a F what I do, then is mad I had friends over when I call about the kids not being in class. That makes no sense man more stupid games. I am not even gonna bother calling when the kids are not in class or something goes on, honestly if sheís gonna be petty like that Iím not even gonna talk to her about anything but yes or no. We were getting along fine regarding the kids and could talk. She has never been straight up rude like that. But thatís just stupid.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 07:37 PM
Here you go Steve again you get the quote of the day:

ďA man who loses focus on his purpose and mission in life and starts to focus too much on the woman he wants or is in a relationship with often starts making his woman his purpose and the center of his life. He starts chasing too much and trying to force interactions and dates. When the woman predictably gets confused and starts pulling away when he smothers her, he will lose even more focus on his purpose and mission and drift further away from the man he was when she first fell in love with him. This creates a downward spiral where he literally chases her right out of his life. A great woman is a great complement to a great manís life. She is there to share her completeness with him, not to complete him. A man who feels like he lacks something on the inside, that he mistakenly believes the woman fills up, will eventually end up permanently lacking her from his life also.Ē ~ Coach Corey Wayne
Posted By: Thornton Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 07:53 PM
Steve,

I would be documenting all of these interactions with your W.

There is absolutely zero reason they should be missing school because your W sleeps in. Clearly she is an unfit mother. I would get a lawyer and get sole custody of your children. They are falling behind.

Thorn
Posted By: JosephS Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 07:54 PM
For as much school as they miss Iím surprised they havenít received a truancy letter. Just as FYI, youíre just as responsible for them attending school as she is. I donít believe youíve got a custody agreement in place with the courts. But I know you said youíre covered in the past, so maybe Iím wrong.

Youíre assuming sheís mad about seeing the picture. She could have been up all night talking to another man having a fantastic conversation, over slept and was annoyed you woke her up. Well unless of course she told you she saw it, and was angry. But you donít say that.

Refusing to attempt to co-parent and not call her when you know for a fact your kids arenít doing what theyíre supposed to be doing doesnít do anything but make it look like they have 2 parents that donít care. The school called you, they are attempting to keep you informed and involved and your solution because your wife hurt your feelings is to stop trying.

Back to the picture, even if thatís why she had an attitude, thatís no reason to stop attempting to co-parent. You donít stop trying for your kids because someone was mean to you. Not to mention youíve gone off the rails on her for the same stuff.

Steve, I understand youíre hurt, but youíre not a victim anymore. Itís not her job to be polite, kind and sunshineís and smiles to you. To me it comes off like you are attempting to manipulate (nice) her back into the marriage and still havenít dropped the rope. You both are playing a cat and mouse game and your kids continue to suffer the consequences. Again they didnít attend school and youíve done nothing about it. Call the school, call your lawyer, do something about it.

Iíll let other comment, this is just my perspective and Iím sure others have a different one that may be more accurate
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 08:01 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
. I had fun with friends over and I posted a pic of it because I like to share fun moments with friends it was not for any purpose to WW she made it clear to me she does not care what I do.

BS
Originally Posted by Steve_
Well it seems she did. She was not nice this morning.

Mindreading. Maybe she was in a bad mood because one of her dudes stood her up
Originally Posted by Steve_
School called and said kids are not in class and she texted me late last night about the kids going back to school in person I didnít answer as I had friends over. I called this morning at 11 and said ďhey, I got your message about the kids, but didnít want to wake you up, when do they start? This week? She said no after spring break, and I said okay, hey, are the kids in school now? She said no, she didnít get up to get them online.

$hitty parenting but all you seem to care about is if she was mad about your pics.
Originally Posted by Steve_
I donít get it. She says she donít give a F what I do, then is mad I had friends over when I call about the kids not being in class.

Mindreading. Maybe she was in a bad mood because one of her dudes stood her up
Originally Posted by Steve_
That makes no sense man more stupid games.

You play just as many games as her if not more.
Originally Posted by Steve_
I am not even gonna bother calling when the kids are not in class or something goes on, honestly if sheís gonna be petty like that Iím not even gonna talk to her about anything but yes or no.

Steve do you even fuching care your kids are not in school because she's a $hitty parent?
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 08:05 PM
I talked to the teacher, I let her know the kids are absent on momís days. Teacher knows, school knows. But because covid is so messed up they are not enforcing it. Iím not here to be my WWís dad and tell her to put the kids in class every day. I have mentioned it that I donít like it when they miss school and I get to hear it from teachers. She doesnít seem to care. She wants to keep on not giving an F. Obviously calling her today and saying hey, whatís going on with the kids didnít go well. She was mad and irritated, I woke her up before. Iím certain itís because I decided to not be ashamed to have a life and friends.. like itís all about control for her. Now I canít be controlled so Iím gonna get punished for it. Whatever dude.. Iím not even gonna call her to tell her to put the kids in school is what I mean. She knows and chooses not to get up. When the trouble from school comes itís gonna be on her. I do have a custody agreement. But I cannot control what she does on her days. I tried to call and usually we are friendly now itís not.

Thatís messed up though. Iím just disappointed that she has to be mad and canít even talk about the kids to me cause I had fun like wtf.. I actually thought this would be a decent divorce, now itís gonna get stupid since I donít wanna play along as lost sad H anymore. Thatís all I meant by the update. Itís disappointing Iím getting attitude for not being ďa good boyĒ
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 08:05 PM
This just continues to be the saddest read. Your children are so obviously of no priority here and both of your behaviors are neglectful. You are equally guilty in that area, and if you want to give those kids a fighting chance , youíll drop the childish games you play with your W, and be a dam father.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 08:08 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
Iím not here to be my WWís dad and tell her to put the kids in class every day.

WTF???????????????
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 08:15 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Steve_
Iím not here to be my WWís dad and tell her to put the kids in class every day.

WTF???????????????


You are here to be a FATHER to YOUR CHILDREN! That is your responsibility 24/7 no matter whoís custody

Try focusing on your kids well being more than posting pictures that you know your purpose is to instigate your wife.

These kids are casualties in an awful crossfire
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 08:19 PM
You know the funny part.

If you told her to get her lazy a$$ out of bed and the kids online for school or she would hear from your lawyer, she would for once respect the $hit out of you.
Posted By: JosephS Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 08:48 PM
What a disaster.

Youíre a father regardless if she has them. How do you not get that? Screw her if it makes her mad if you make sure theyíre taken care of.

You spend more time and effort into winning a woman (and I use that term loosely because itís an insult to woman) back who doesnít care about you or your children than you being a dad. Itís disgusting.

You come off like itís more important to be the victim and everyone thinks sheís a horrible person than literally anything else.

Seriously, Iíll let other handle this. I can understand not being able to heal and move on from your ex. But I donít understand the flat out admission you wonít be a full time father.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 09:33 PM
Okay clearly there is no reasoning with yalll its extreme everything here. I just told you I called and asked about the kids today, I asked if they are in school, I have talked to the teacher and the school but they are not enforcing it. I called WW I told her that its not okay for them to be skipping.. all I can do is take care of them on my days, (which I do!)

Yall act like I just sit back to please everything she does. I took a step in the right direction actually trying to GAL and yall call it games... then I call her to talk about the kids and she is rude as hell out of nowhere so yall reach to something about an OM.

So I guess ill never be able to comment how GAL works since its playing games with her to post up a picture with my friends, I post pictures of me and the kids doing awesome stuff all the time. Is that not what GAL is supposed to be about? Also If the teacher, and school is not interested in the kids attendance enough to take action what can I or the L do? the attendance office calls her and she makes up excuses. Im over this dude. Its like you guys just read this to immidiately 2x4. No wonder this has slowed down so much. When I actually have sufficient evidence to do something that wont be a waste of time and $ in court I will. But this state will not even take children away from known drug users as long as there is not abuse so yeah missing 12-13 days of online school isnt going to do it. But hey you guys are the experts here. Please go ahead and tell me how not putting them into online school is neglect, tell me how to prove that when tons of kids are not compliant with online school. A judge is not going to to jack squat about it, especially since the schools are going to open up to in class sessions soon and she will have to take them. Let me start a big expensive fight about it now? for what? I get that you guys are used to seeing things a certain way but damn..
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 10:20 PM
Steve,

Youíre in easy read for us. If you truly were GAL you wouldnít have to post in online. You are very manipulative as is your STBXW.

I think youíve been asked this before. What do you want from the board?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 10:41 PM
1) GAL does not require posting pictures. The old nurse saying ď if it isnít charted, it isnít doneĒ does not apply to GAL. It still happened without rubbing it all over SM

2) how in gods green earth can she even see your posts? How is she not blocked?

3) we can see right through your attempts at getting a reaction to her. You even mentioned how ďthe $100 bottle of wine was in the picture ď. We were not born yesterday .

4) I agree 100% with LH. You and your wife are 2 very manipulative people.
Posted By: JosephS Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 11:16 PM
Keep making excuses. Youíre the one whoís gonna face the consequences to your behavior. Good luck with that
Posted By: SamCal Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/26/21 11:31 PM
Steve - it's your kids who are the victim of this situation, not you.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/27/21 02:36 AM
Lmao the wine was not In the picture just me and my coworkers here we go adding stuff. Címon yíall like fine posting a picture of me hanging out and having a life showing Iím having fun is apparently manipulation. Okay, lol. Now Iím a bad father cause I do t make the court enforce a rule the school donít enforce. This is too much man I get the frustration but itís not like I share this stuff to piss you off I do it to make sure Iím not going to far. I have made many good steps but the judgment in here is getting extra lol. Iím gonna take a break and stop even thinking about anything for a couple weeks and get a fresh crack at this. Iím Overloaded
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/27/21 04:21 AM
Steve, I understand you feel judged, maybe too harshly. But the posters here have no incentive to be overly critical. I don't think anyone is purposely trying to attack you. I know you've endured a lot of 2x4s. And sometimes it feels "extra". But people here just want to see you move forward. Instead of continuing to be stuck.

I wish you would go back and read mbr's post. He can relate more than most. His WW was the only one I can remember since I've been on the forum worse than yours. But yours is a close second. I'd love for you to learn from his wisdom instead of making the same mistakes.

Steve, we've had a several posters feel attacked and judged that came back later to say they wish they'd listened to everyone. I'm hoping you won't leave the board and if you do I hope it's temporary. I foresee a lot of pain in your future, when another OM comes along and she ends up remarrying. I'm afraid you haven't done the hard work to move yourself to a place where you'll be able to emotionally handle that eventuality. Your kids need you to be their rock because your WW certainly doesn't have it in her to be that. My prayer for you is to move forward and move on from her toxicity. And I hope you will seriously consider getting the emotional and mental help you desperately need.

God speed and I pray for better days and great blessings for you!
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/27/21 04:50 AM
Iím not gonna quit Iím just overloaded. I guess I thought I was doing the right thing I honestly am not trying to manipulate I know she donít give a F about me I was just enjoying myself and was finally not scared to be open with it. I was taken aback by how she claimed to not care but got mad.. thatís all. I was feeling ready to hang out with whoever. I did not expect her to actually be mad about it. I actually figured she would be like oh okay heís moving on fine I donít gotta feel bad now.. thought it would push things along even. Itís not about getting my W back I was about having fun and sticking up for myself. Thatís all. Iím just a bit raw about the attacks on me being a dad. I do so much for these kids more than most dads go Lengths to do. But I cannot control mom, I ask her to be responsible I ask her to do the right thing. But I refuse to not watch them when she goes out or not pick up homework for them cause she donít want to do it. Sure itís not a good move as a lbs but itís about being a dad not about my WW. Honestly Iím watching them right now, itís not even about being a good H itís about having zero issue spending all the time I can with them because I wonít get to do it later. I never take days off from being a dad, I never let my kids get watched by someone else, never ask my WW to do anything for me to help as a parent. I just ask her to do a better job and sheís not into being a W or a M right now, she is into being crazy. Iím not trying to whine here but I did get some 2x4ís that were unnecessary. I am not playing games Iím trying desperately to move on. But what I took away from all this today is that I cannot rush moving on and just like ďhey Iím okay nowĒ I want to be. But Iím not thatís fine I guess. Iím just so exhausted from all this crap being an LBS/only responsible parent this is doing. But I will eat my lemons and just relax. I will still do a lot with all my friends but if what I did comes off as manipulation I will not post up stuff of girls that are friends just me and my male buddies out fishing, hiking, camping and what not. Guess I tried to do too much to fast. Cant cheat the process of this I suppose. Iím not mad about it but I just care too much, had a F it kind of day and was not ashamed until I read yíallís responses. Itís fine though Iíll do better next time. I havenít ever been left by a wife before and a single dad on my own before gonna need to get the hang of dealing with it.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/27/21 10:14 AM
Steve,

Just stop talking and do it. You have pretty much wasted everyoneís time on this board for the last 6 months. I remember about 5 months ago I said I wasnít going to post to you again because I couldnít help you. But I get sucked in, but thatís on me. Try one fuching week without posting on social media like a teenager and going NC. If you can do that then come and update. Lastly Steve, you are not going to win any father of the year awards. Youíre not a babysitter watching your kids. Your a dad who spends quality time with them and is a role model. You are there for them you protect them and make sure they are getting a proper education. There is absolutely no easy way through this and you are taking every shortcut possible.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/27/21 10:40 AM
A good father isnít about going fishing and ďwatchingĒ the kids. Itís exactly as LH says. A good father protects their kids, teaches them , sets examples and is a role model.

What do you think you are teaching them right now? What are you role modeling? Are you protecting them, emotionally and physically ? Is your primary focus on their well being? Because it seems to be more on your W from where I sit. Whatís she thinks about your posts, how they made her mad. ( even thinking that her bad mood had to do with your posts says it all. You have no clue why sheís mad( but you are so hyper focus on your posts and how they affect her. And why she can even see them is beyond me)

As yourself those questions as a parent. Answer them truthfully and honestly. Like take the time and write it out. Take the time you would be posting on Media to show the world whatever and answer those questions for yourself. I donít even care to know the answers. But you should.

The last thing ever in this world I would like to do is parental judging. But this is the hardest read ever. I read and I couldnít give 2 sh!ts about your ex, but these kids are caught in the crossfire of the most unhealthy dynamic I have seen in these boards. And they are so far from either of your focus. I have never taken a job so seriously in my life as parenting . Iíve messed up, no doubt. But every move I make in this world I ask myself, how will this affect my daughter? What am I teaching her? What am I modeling for her? Am I acting in her best interest? Thatís where my intentions always are, even when I do mess up as a parent. And I always strive do better next time and learn from my mistakes

Do you feel you are doing this for your kids? What are you doing to learn from your mistakes? How you carry yourself, interact with your ex, what you allow in your life will have a bearing on the people they will become. Do you feel you are acting in such a way with all of that in mind? I donít even want to hear your answer. I want you to truthfully answer that for yourself
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/27/21 12:08 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_

It was fun, posted up a picture on my snapchat of them at my table with me and the expensive wine I got for the WW date haha


I knew I wasnít making things up.
Posted By: JosephS Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/27/21 12:56 PM
My harsh words arenít meant to make you feel attacked. Theyíre in an attempt to get you to wake up. There are consequences to all of this. And those consequences wonít care about anyone feelings.

I understand your addicted to your W. I understand youíre still trying to manipulate her back even if itís subconscious. What I donít understand is why you donít get that you are a dad regardless of where your kids are.

No one is saying have the courts take them away. But yes missing 13 days of school is a big deal. Your W is actively denying your kids the chance to have a proper education and youíve said oh well.

You can choose to live in denial about everything. You donít have to accept or take anyoneís advice, but you and kids are going to be the ones who get hurt. Especially the kids.



Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/27/21 02:07 PM
Ginger the bottle was not in the photo itself, just the glasses in their hand. But I worded it wrong. Not on you on me. By watching kids I meant it was not my day with them, but I watched them for her. I am not going to argue clearly I am not getting this right. I am gonna take a break, take a breath and do as LH recommends. Everything I have done is just showing I canít let go of this. Iím kidding myself. Not fooling anyone. I think I need to stop trying to convince you guys and convince myself first. Iím gonna take a week and work on it. Honestly at this point I am ready just not been able to actually do it. I get sucked in by stupid games of hers. And I try to tell myself Iím making progress but clearly based on what yíall have said I have not. I am exhausted of this situation. And I wonít quit the board. I do appreciate your time and I read everything you post. But I need to unplug, get away from this discussion, get away from WW and just have some time off from all this. If ďwhat you focus on you attractĒ is true. Then focusing on the drama is why Iím getting it. I need a reboot. Iíll be back hopefully with better news in a week or so. Thanks
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/27/21 02:22 PM
Just remember Steve you allow yourself to get sucked into her games. You are nothing but plan z right now. Onward and upward!
Posted By: may22 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/28/21 12:34 AM
Can you block her on social media? If you havenít already? And if not... why?
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/31/21 06:51 PM
Steve you are the winner of the quote of the day:

ďWhen it comes to relationships, many people project their fantasy of what they want onto romantic prospects, and due to their extreme attraction and strong emotions, they ignore all kinds of red flags, disrespect and incompatibility. This inclination to self-delude is heightened in people who donít think very highly of themselves and those who are ruled by their fears. When you love and value yourself, you only stay involved with people who reciprocate high interest and who treat you the way you want to be treated. The only way to eventually get what you really want is to stick to your ideals and live a life of principle and integrity, discarding those who donít measure up. The right people will help you achieve your grandest goals and dreams, and the wrong people will become obstacles and roadblocks to your success.Ē ~ Coach Corey Wayne
Posted By: GH31 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 03/31/21 09:57 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Sheís beautiful but absolutely psychotic, but some other dude will want her?

Doesnít speak much to the male species

We men are like that, for good or ill. We love a pretty girl.

She may be beautiful, and so are thousands of other women.

Our Steve will prevail as will any man who requires much more than just good looks in a wife.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/05/21 03:21 AM
Ending this thread. When the time comes I will start a new one and link this.

Thanks for being so tough about the BS I was pulling/posting. This has been one of my best weeks since I came here.
Iíve done really well. Actually started DBing. And it has nothing to do with WW. I got another week to go with only smart contact. So far I have stuck to it 100%. Only minimal answers and so on. No SM posts, no manipulation or anything else. Just putting my head down and dealing. So far so good. Iíll be back in a week if I can keep it going.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/05/21 12:41 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
Ending this thread. When the time comes I will start a new one and link this.

You don't have to end this thread just keep posting on it.
Originally Posted by Steve_
Thanks for being so tough about the BS I was pulling/posting.

After you have been here a long time must posters are easy to read. Actually you are one of the easiest.
Originally Posted by Steve_
This has been one of my best weeks since I came here.

How about telling us why.
Originally Posted by Steve_
Iíve done really well. Actually started DBing.

What does that mean? What does DBing mean to you?
Originally Posted by Steve_
And it has nothing to do with WW.

Hmmmmmm. My spidey senses are heighten. What does if have to do with?
Originally Posted by Steve_
I got another week to go with only smart contact. So far I have stuck to it 100%.

What is this so called smart contact? How often does it happen?
Originally Posted by Steve_
No SM posts, no manipulation or anything else. Just putting my head down and dealing.

Great!

I still think you should post more often. When you go on long hiatus's you tend to backslide.
Posted By: wayfarer Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/06/21 03:23 PM
LH,

Originally Posted by LH19
What is this so called smart contact? How often does it happen?


It's SMART contact. It's an acronym from another "marriage saving" site. It's essentially the PMA and only business and kids convo thing we ask for here.

Steve's on his own answering the rest of that...lol
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/06/21 09:06 PM
Well I guess I not wait the extra days and just cover the past week.

Iíve been doing no contact unless necessary. It was going well, everything fine, just kind of feeling okay with life alone for about 4-5 days. Honestly I reached a point where I am just tired of all the feelings, caring for someone who doesnít give a rats ass about me. I couldnít understand how I havenít seen this for the past 6 months. How I was so blind to how horrible what she did was, how I tried to love her anyways. Now Iím seeing things more like.. I gotta survive this.. the M is over, sheís not coming back, she would have came back already if she was going to. I am the kinda guy only a fool would walk away from. Great dad, good career, good person, all that and still she is ďboredĒ so Iíve done all I can.

I went a week with that mindset, it helped, went out with some friends from work. Had a good time. Didnt even think about WW. Then Easter came.

Since there is no OM WW invited me to family Easter. I went, made some food. Took some tips off of sandiís rules. Dressed very well, kept quiet, spoke softly and seemed happy. WW commented that I looked amazing, that she was happy to see me etc etc when i left with the kids. I just said thank you and smiled. Got in my truck and left. So far so good. Then in the truck hit me hard. Water just started coming out of my eyes. And I was pissed. I stayed strong all day, stayed upbeat. I guess the fact of getting back into my truck with my kids and leaving hurt.

WW. Had suggested we hang out and spend time together learning how to interact again. Like a fool I thought this would be a good idea. So I asked if she was free. Essentially over the past couple months OM has been gone Iíve attempted to take her out and so on but she always has an excuse. But of course she will reach out for things or put little heart emojis on my stuff. Posted a picture of the 4 of us on social media for Easter. Then right back to I donít exist. What a fool I was. I did ask her last night if she was doing anything because the kids wanted to come over and get the Easter stuff they left behind. And see mom. Spent time /etc... she just said ďIím having dinner with a friendĒ yep..

I probably shouldnít have responded this way but recently she has been acting as if we are okay and things are good then runs away with another excuse. Itís not like I was asking for her to remarry me lol.

I responded ďoh okay, I wanted to come by and visit for a bit, kids wanted to come get things too. But itís okay, every time you are sick, tired, or busy so itís cool, enjoy your dinnerĒ

Havenít said anything since then. And I wonít. I did okay until I saw her and she played me, and I let it happen and once again like an idiot I thought something was there that wasnít. Itís all in my head, sheís over me, has been. I finally get that. I wish I wouldnít have texted her after Easter. Fortunately there arenít many holidays coming up any time soon for us so no reason to interact. I actually am not even mad at her, itís my fault for being the dumbass that keeps staying in denial. Honestly I shouldnít even be trying to save the M. I back away a week or so and she acts nice and then I ask to hang out and she runs. Yep, itís over. Thatís that. Yíall been saying this. Seems like I had to learn the hard way once again.

Idk why she does this. Messages the kids about the awesome breakfast I made them this morning telling them to tell me it looks yummy when the sent her pictures. Like leave me alone ... stop acting like you care already. You donít, no need to fake it. She donít even ask bout the kids anymore. This week first week they go back to physical school. Bet she donít take em. We will see. As for me Iím dropping them to her mom tonight, hitting the gym and not saying a word again. Not for a week this time but indefinitely.


Iím 2x4 ing myself for this plenty. But go for it. I donít think this whole time Iíve felt my heart actually break but for some reason Easter Sunday driving off and her blowing off just visiting with the kids. Yep that did it for me.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/06/21 09:31 PM
Steve,

Youíre stuck and I canít see you getting unstuck. She wants to be friends with you. You have to decide if thatís acceptable to you. Maybe you should think about it because you are so attached to her.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/06/21 09:43 PM
Not being friends. Iím not interested in a friendship with my wife who walked out on me.

Iíll update again In a few days. Nothing else to say for now.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/06/21 10:00 PM
So when sheís inviting you over itís as friends so you need to turn down these invitations.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/06/21 10:03 PM
Yep. Thought I could use those to sort of rebuild some kind of connection but all she does is get more distant and it bothers me. So I wonít be agreeing to friend stuff anymore. I cannot be ďjust friendsĒ with the woman I loved for 11 years and the mother of my kids. Just because she decided to change it doesnít mean I can accept it. I wonít. Hurts too much to keep doing that.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/06/21 10:16 PM
I donít know what the he!! LH is talking about.

This woman does not want to be your friend.

She derives a sick and twisted pleasure having the 100% control she has over you.

Iíve never seen such a twisted dynamic and someone who keeps touching an actual open flame, getting a 1st degree burn, and then Going back to touch it again. And the flame is getting extreme joy out of burning you
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/06/21 10:19 PM
Steve,

You canít build a connection with her. She doesnít respect you.
Posted By: Thornton Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/06/21 11:26 PM
Hey Steve,

You are stuck in a pattern. Until you truly accept that your WW is a narcissist and will never ever change, be prepared to live this scenario out over and over again for years to come. I have a friend in the same exact situation and itís been 6 years for her since he cheated on her and divorced her. Her ex has had 10ís of relationships and keeps her hooked. Sheís miserable and canít let him go.

She knows exactly how to play you and her goal is to keep you as plan B until she feels comfortable with a new guy. The she will drop you like a hot potato because the new guy wonít want her interacting with you.

In addition, she never loved you Steve (and never will). You are fuel you her and she isnít capable of love. You canít fix something that never was.

Honestly I would suggest getting custody of your kids and moving to another state. If thatís not possible, I would suggest in-patient psychiatric hospitalization for you until you can detox from her.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/07/21 12:03 AM
Originally Posted by Steve_
Iím 2x4 ing myself for this plenty. But go for it.

What's the point, Steve? You knew your actions were illogical, abnormal, and unhealthy for you and your kids. That's why you didn't seek outside advice likely to challenge your urges before you acted on them.

Posted By: mtb1981 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/07/21 01:35 PM
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by Steve_
Iím 2x4 ing myself for this plenty. But go for it.

What's the point, Steve? You knew your actions were illogical, abnormal, and unhealthy for you and your kids. That's why you didn't seek outside advice likely to challenge your urges before you acted on them.


^^^This...
Posted By: JosephS Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/07/21 02:11 PM
No real point in 2x4s. You wonít listen to them.

Until you face reality nothing will change.

You keep pointing out how lucky she is to have you, and how wonderful you are, How everyone says how lucky she is to have you and how everyone canít believe sheíd leave you. Iím half way wondering if you are a narcissist who canít accept how someone could leave someone as wonderful as you. I thought maybe it was a self esteem issue, but I canít imagine someone who could take the amount of emotional punishment you have and keep coming back for more with a smile on their face. Idk though. Iím curious why you refuse to do whatís best for the kids too. I donít know though, Iím not a professional nor claim to be.

Posted By: joejoe1 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/07/21 03:47 PM
Steve,

I have been here before. I called myself the crumb/crush eater doing the timeframe of my W being Wayward. I was like a little mouse on the lookout for my WW crumbs to drop. And than everytime I would pick up that crumb, I would be siting around waiting for a little more, for it never to come.

The only difference between you and I. I got fed up a lot quicker than you. I divorced my wife in my emotion and heart, before I had to divorce her on paper. And we were living together. I couldn't take the pain any longer. I dealt with the grief and start to go about my life. My wife crumbs were dropping and I started to look at her, smile and say no thank you. It was hard at first, because, I was so worried about her getting upset, her getting mad by my rejection. But I kept listening to the Vet's on here and the reading I was doing, and one day, I didn't care about how she felt, I starting caring more about my healing and raising my boys, than her emotions/feelings.

You are stuck in mouse mode. The more you distance your emotions from her actions and reactions, the more healing will take place for you. The more you heal, the more your logical thinking will kick in.

You asked why see keeps sending you pictures and saying nice things (those are her crumbs) because she know you are eating them up and that's her little hook in you. Stop feeding off those crumbs.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/07/21 03:54 PM
Steve, you're in the same boat as another current poster on here. You are not going to change because people do not change unless they want to. The only way you will change and get out of your current rut is to admit that this is bigger than you and go get the psychiatric care that you desperately need. Just like this other poster I refer to above, you seem unwilling and simply flat out refuse to get that help. There really is nothing else that can be said to you here. You've read it all before, dozens of times. You are like Charlie Brown, no matter how many times Lucy pulls that football away you're still going to attempt to kick it and fall flat on your back every time.

Go get the help you need to tell Lucy to take her ball and go home!
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/07/21 09:07 PM
Hi Steve,

Not following your sitch, but read your last post and the reply from others. Sounds like you are having an extremely hard time DBing.

I know others will read this post and they may benefit, so I will give my 2 cents.

Originally Posted by Steve_
WW. Had suggested we hang out and spend time together learning how to interact again. Like a fool I thought this would be a good idea. So I asked if she was free.
Everything could have been different if you made different choices. First off, asking if she was free is pursuit (Beta, unattractive) behavior. Do not pursue women. Let women pursue you.

One of the most important skills you should learn with this woman is how to reject her. You do it will style. You do not do it out of anger. You learn to do it with a gleam in your eyes. You do it out of self respect for yourself.

You do this and you pass the test.

This is how it should have went:

W:"Lets hang out and spend time together learning how to interact again."
H:"I don't believe that is a good idea." (and maybe add "I got to go" and leave.)

Right there, this puts her into pursuing you. Even if it is to string you along, she has to work HARDER for you to take the bait. If she does work harder, keep rejecting.

I had more typed out, but deleted since you are not ready for that advise.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/08/21 04:16 PM
Not even mad at you Joseph, I can totally see how it can seem that way. Stepping out of the sitch for a moment and kind of looking back at it I gotta be honest I have some regrets for how things have unfolded and also Im okay with some of it too.

Yes absolutely I should have been able to detatch from this sitch but I havent. I have struggled to find this place in my head where im okay with just letting go of it. I felt like when my WW left me for OM she told me it was becaause he "gave her attention, could talk to her for hours, became a great friend and things just went from there over a few weeks"

So in my mind I was like well she thought idgaf about her, was into my own hobbies and didnt acknowledge her existance, so let me just be there for her while she makes this colossal mistake. And I was, and she did, and OM and her ended things and still she is out there "confused" and "isnt ready" to commit to the M since she has "always been in relationships". So in my LBH mind I was like, okay Steve so WW says you didnt care, then you handle yourself, take care of yourself and be there for her and in a matter of time she will realize she was wrong... Yeah no. Thats not gonna happen. I suppose all the advice here seemed so opposite of what I felt I should do it was just hard to take. Hard to actually think that letting her go would have made a better difference. At this point all I can do is let her go, Ive been trying to do super H for months and that isnt working. Just like Sandi's posts say and Steve and LH and Cwarrior and a lot of vets post that Super H is actually a push-away. But Im okay with what I did, because If i pushed her away its honestly for the best, I dont need to be saving this M. And at least my kids got to see the fact that dad did really love mom and try to do the right thing before he gave up and im okay with that.

At this time I dont really care anymore about the outcome. I was very into trying to seem like such a good guy and blah blah to work out hard, be super dad, super h all that so I would become attractive to her. What actually happened is I became less attractive to her and a lot more attractive to other women around me. Which was not my intention at all. I have spent more and more time just talking to other women from work other nurses and stuff just about thier relationships and mine and so on and its interesting to see the perspective from the other side.

Last night WW contacts me to tell me that the kids need backpacks for school, she knew this, and forgot or whatever and she was heading to work at the restaraunt and wouldnt have time. So I went and got the backpacks, packed them with the stuff for school and put them in bed so my MIL could get some rest. Ww responded "your my angel" when she got home. I responded, "thanks, goodnite". That was all. And for once It didnt make me feel "good" like a nice little H. It made me feel stupid like an idiot. But it was for the kids and they needed to have that stuff squred away, it was the first day back at school. I decided to take up a work shift today, I wonder if she actually got up and made them go to school. I doubt it. At this time im slowly starting to accept just how crappy she is as a person. But I guess I needed to feel like I did the Super H BS for awhile before I quit. Im not gonna be able to just up and stop for a little longer, I know me, wont even lie. But I am trying and I do NOT ask her out, or for anything at all. After my 1/2 shift is over Im going to go fishing and later on I will call my kids and ask them how 1st day back at school was. Thats it.

I feel like I had to try to do something, anything to save my M and I feel like I did my best. Now its okay if I want to give up, I tried and I wouldnt have been able to just walk off if I didnt, even if it was the right thing to do. Again its okay because If I ruined my recon possiblility by pursing her thats fine, its not an M I need to be in anyhow. Im actually okay other than the WW games. Life is pretty easy and pretty good. I got lots of friends im spending more and more time with, and the kids are happy with dad and we do tons of things together. So Ill just keep doing that and let her do whatever it is she wants to do, it doesnt matter anyway.
Posted By: JosephS Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/08/21 05:27 PM
Steve,
I donít want to make you mad. I want you to see how this looks from every angle. I had an incredibly tough time myself accepting reality. Itís weird what we can accept but we almost have a hard time believing the most simple truth of all. Our spouses are unfortunately liars. This is why you believe nothing of what they say any only half of what they do. (In terms of our marriages)

I feel for you more than I let on. Tough love is just sometimes what the doctor ordered. I had so much help here, I owe so many people so much, but particularly Ginger said somethings on my thread that really helped me see I wasnít being the best me. I wasnít the best father. I wasnít the best man. I wasnít the best anything. I wasnít horrible and certainly didnít deserve what happened, but I played my part. I was absent and neglectful. That doesnít mean I deserved what happened. It sure as heck doesnít mean my kids deserved anything they got, but I was never going to be in a good honest decent relationship if I didnít change my ways too.

For us Steve, this isnít about saving our marriages. They are dead. This is about saving ourselves and far more importantly our children. What I want you to see is this isnít the end, this should be the beginning. Because if you can let her go, see your mistakes (and you make them trust me, youíve lashed out on here and done some questionable things) you will be the best version of yourself for you, your kids, and the next woman who does deserve you.

I am truly sorry you are going through this. I truly feel for you. Some marriages can be saved. Some should be. I am a big believer in forgiveness for yourself and your partner. But another hard reality is you canít forgive someone who isnít sorry. And trust me, your W isnít sorry. And she very well may never be, but if she is, it should be too late.

I was with my W since I was 20. 16 years. Darn near half my life. She was my everything. In retrospect it wasnít healthy. But it was what it was. I couldnít imagine a day without her face, a day without her voice, her smile, her smell. She was my everything. Quite literally. I cried a many of nights wondering why me? What did I do? Accept it for what it is, why me was because I was blind to who she was and what I did to deserve this was nothing. As far as I can tell youíre in the same boat.

What I wish you could see is the unlimited opportunities for happiness and love once you climb this mountain. Iíve been with someone now who I have a very healthy connection with, and I wouldnít trade this entire experience for the world. I am so much better off and happier. I just want you to join me at the top of the mountain and see what I do.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/08/21 05:55 PM
Steve,

This goes back to one I have asked you many times that you never answer.

What can we do for you?
Posted By: Thornton Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/08/21 05:58 PM
As Corey Wayne would say... you can't make good wine out of bad grapes.

Your WW is a bad grape, Steve. And she always will be, she's proven that time and time again.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/08/21 06:23 PM
LH,

At this juncture I suppose there is nothing yall can do. You've given me advice I didnt take on how to DB to save an M. The more I posted about the M and the way I responded to her the more evident it became to you guys and myself that its a toxic WW and the M should be let go. So honeslty there really isnt much to do now. I guess I needed to get people to tell me how to save this M and after months of pouring out all the stuff here its pretty obvious to me that I really should not save this M. I need to take what I've learned about what I can do better and move on to something new and better (eventually). If I was still really trying to save the M I would post all the transactions here, the baby steps the etc etc, but there isnt any. Its just WW throwing bread crumbs until the next OM pops up and I get fully replaced. I see that, finally. I didnt think it at first, thought I could like out-love this WW. But no, not gonna happen.

Ive realized I dont need to be anything, not nice, not mean, not anything at all. Just be me, do my own thing and stop doing anything for my M, its over. And even if there was significant change and this M could ever be okay again it will take a long time and it will take me totally detaching and letting her crash land in reality land which I havent been able to do over fear of losing her. But actually losing her may just be the exact thing I need to do. So Im gonna switch gears. Honestly her own mother told me last night to stop. Stop letting her use me, stop trying to be mom and dad and just let her F up. She will care for the kids while they are there and she knows I take care of them when they are with me so just to stop trying so hard and let her fail. Guess that advice kinda hit me, in addition to everything Ive got here. Its time to give up, throw in the towel, no more M saving techniques or books or anything else. Just time to quit and save myself. Jump ship and swim away.

Whatever happens next is in God's hands. Im gonna just do what I can each day and not sweat the rest. Trying to make anything work never works for me. I truly appreciate all the tough love and the patience. I will be okay, I know it. Just was hard to imagine a world that doesnt include my W and intact family and still be okay. But Im starting to feel like thats actually not such a bad thing.

Thanks every1.

Ill check in here and there and just let you know how its going.

And yeah Thornton, I would never phone Corey because he most likely would say "cmon man" like 10 times and then tell me I am the worst case he ever had lol. I aim to change that im tired of feeling like a doormat.

Oh and JoeJoe1 that post of yours helped a lot. The mouse mode thing is so true. id be cool for like a week and a bread crumb messes up everything. That was really well put. Thanks
Posted By: joejoe1 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/08/21 07:55 PM
Steve,

You ever watched the workout for a professional sports player getting ready for the start of a season? If not, what you will see, is multiple players, yelling, screaming, people giving up because the workout is too hard, and then you have a coach, calling them all out for being weak. He's tough on them, not because, he's mean, but because he knows the season that's coming up is even tougher.

I think a lot of Newcomers come here and take the comments to heart and think posters are being mean to them, but in reality they are preparing them for the season ahead, we all know how grueling it will be, and being nice won't cut it, we have to be tough, because if not, than the messages/comments won't sink in. Also, look around, the posters, never gave up on you. They keep posting, because you are worth it.

Reserve yourself in understanding that emotional detachment is not easy and it takes a conscience effort to achieve. Will you be perfect no, not to many people going thru a situation for the first time, does everything right in the beginning without mistakes. Take this process, one moment/day at a time. You will heal/grow/learn and become better for going thru this season.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/09/21 10:00 AM
Steve,

The frustration from the posters comes from the fact that you know what you need to do you just choose not to do it based on emotions. One of my favorite quotes that feeds in perfectly for you is ď When decisions are made based on emotions there are sure to be consequencesĒ. You 100% should not be trying to Dave your marriage you should be trying to save yourself. You bend and twist things around to fit into your narrative of getting your STBXW back. Youíll say I hung out on Easter because there is no OM when in reality there is likely several other men. You are still operating under the ďillusion of actionĒ thinking there is something you can do to turn this around. Until you understand you canít turn this around unfortunately you will suffer immensely.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/09/21 03:53 PM
You are 100% right LH.

I felt absolutely like I had to do "something, anything, etc" i can tell you that every single book I've read DB,DR,3%man, all the stuff from other sites reccomends against it. There are a few that tell you not to do nothing, but those are a small few. Read another book about "husbandly leadership" etc... there is a bit of a mixed bag on that but it seems that doing nothing towards the M is the only thing left to do. My only fear now is that it might actually work. And I wont have the strength to continue walking when she half-ass returns from her OM/attention exodus.

That is what im trying to prepare myself for if the time comes. Hopefully she will just latch on to the next NGS sufferer and ruin his life and let me go. But from what I have experienced the past 11 years it doesnt seem likely. Once she wrecks the next dude if I have been actually leaving her alone she will likely poke her head around again. I do think ill be okay by that time though as I am starting to see just how messed up this thing was and how honestly I didnt deserve this even if I did get too comfortable in the M and stopped putting my best foot forward this was absolutely uncalled for. The games she played I mean. Leaving me fine... but twisting up my life the past 6 months was really heartless.

But... I allowed it...
Posted By: JosephS Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/09/21 04:06 PM
Doesnít matter what she does. She shouldnít need to find someone in order for you to move on
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/09/21 04:40 PM
Originally Posted by Steve_
You are 100% right LH.

I'm not always right but I am never wrong lol.
Originally Posted by Steve_
I felt absolutely like I had to do "something, anything, etc" i can tell you that every single book I've read DB,DR,3%man, all the stuff from other sites reccomends against it.

So you went against 3 highly recommended books and are shocked that you made matters worse?
Originally Posted by Steve_
There are a few that tell you not to do nothing, but those are a small few. Read another book about "husbandly leadership" etc... there is a bit of a mixed bag on that but it seems that doing nothing towards the M is the only thing left to do.

So this seems like a good book if your W still has a foot in the door. Yours has two feet out.
Originally Posted by Steve_
My only fear now is that it might actually work. And I wont have the strength to continue walking when she half-ass returns from her OM/attention exodus.

I call BS. Your only fear is that she will find another guy and completely move on.
Originally Posted by Steve_
That is what im trying to prepare myself for if the time comes.

She will NEVER 100% commit to you and the marriage. EVER!
Originally Posted by Steve_
Hopefully she will just latch on to the next NGS sufferer and ruin his life and let me go.

This is a bizarre statement.
Originally Posted by Steve_
But from what I have experienced the past 11 years it doesnt seem likely. Once she wrecks the next dude if I have been actually leaving her alone she will likely poke her head around again.

Yeah and use you until the next chump comes along. That sounds awesome (insert LH eyeroll)
Originally Posted by Steve_
I do think ill be okay by that time though as I am starting to see just how messed up this thing was and how honestly I didnt deserve this even if I did get too comfortable in the M and stopped putting my best foot forward this was absolutely uncalled for.

Calling BS. W/O series help you will not be alright and you still would take her back in a second. Just more Steve BS.
Originally Posted by Steve_
The games she played I mean. Leaving me fine... but twisting up my life the past 6 months was really heartless.

Uuuummmm you twisted your life up. Stop playing the fuching victim card Steve. Its getting exhausting!
Posted By: joejoe1 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/09/21 05:38 PM
Steve,

Well that was a wild read from your last post. So, let's examine it. You took the time to research books to help with your marriage, purchased those books. But you didn't use the information provided in those books, and you expected what outcome? Seems to me your issue isn't your WIFE, it's you. You should try to answer this question for yourself. Why is it so hard for you to take/utilize advice that is counter to the outcome you want? I think answering that will take so deep soul searching.

The entire second paragraph was about what your WW, might or might not do, and if she does what you think she might or might not do, than if might leave to something you might not be prepared for. Then you laid your actions at her feet.

Letting go means, moving from the thought of you and your WW reconciling. You are going your own way, without her being a part of your future. Does that mean you won't, NO (I really didn't want to write that last sentence). You need to let go of the IDEA of you being married to your WW. You are now for intent and purposes DIVORCE. Not on paper, but in reality.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/09/21 06:29 PM
You are a victim of yourself. There is only for some long you could be a victim of your wife. You allow it, then itís all your own fault. Not hers, just yours.

Everything you do or intend to do, is based upon what she might do. You need some other man to suffer as her next conquest so you donít suffer anymore? How does that sound to you? And quite frankly, there arenít many men who wouldnít see through her then run for their lives, anyways.

You need to learn how to make decisions based upon what you want out of your own life. Stop playing the victim who has no control or independent thought . Why your wife would have to latch onto someone else so you can make some adult decisions for yourself is beyond me
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/09/21 07:47 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Stop playing the victim who has no control or independent thought .
This behavior is very unattractive to women.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/10/21 02:05 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
You are a victim of yourself. There is only for some long you could be a victim of your wife. You allow it, then itís all your own fault. Not hers, just yours.

Everything you do or intend to do, is based upon what she might do. You need some other man to suffer as her next conquest so you donít suffer anymore? How does that sound to you? And quite frankly, there arenít many men who wouldnít see through her then run for their lives, anyways.

You need to learn how to make decisions based upon what you want out of your own life. Stop playing the victim who has no control or independent thought . Why your wife would have to latch onto someone else so you can make some adult decisions for yourself is beyond me


Money.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/10/21 05:29 PM
Yeah I guess I didnt want to "quit" until i see that she has moved on so I could feel like I did x.y,and z and its all her fault. Truth is she moved on a long time ago. No sense in even doing this game anymore. I dont speak to her much. And thats my good start. I need to push this D along. If its obvious to you guys that I am allowing her to do whatever she wants and decide my fate its definately obvious to her.

I kinda was like "I dont even care, Ill just let it be and whatever happens happens" I guessed at what would probably happen. I drift away, new OM pops up, she wants to push the D forward and thats it. I dont like that plan but I feel like its most likely to occur.

lately I been strongly feeling like I should ask her to move this along, that I dont want to wait around to be replaced.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/10/21 05:39 PM
Is it completely impossible for you to do nothing? No manipulation, no talking just do nothing.
Posted By: Steve_ Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/10/21 06:02 PM
LH!

Im glad you said that. I really wondered if it would be okay to do nothing at all. Like I have been doing that since easter. I do answer for the kids and stuff but since the last interaction to prepare them for going back to in-class school I dont speak to her. And im okay with that. Its easier for me. She doesnt reach out either so its all fine actually.

I thought in order to "take control of my life" I needed to push the D. Im not ready for that if im gonna be honest with myself but I know I could force that. But I also felt like making a push for it would be a mistake and It might be okay just to do nothing at all.

I would really prefer right now to continue with the whole "im fine, doing good, workin, kids, all good here" and thats it. Its easy. Short and simple and I have plenty to do anyways. I was wondering if doing nothing means im "allowing her to go wild and sew her oats while I wait around" I dont want to give off that impression at all. But I also dont want to push the D before im ready to feel good about it.

honestly thats the only thing im torn about. I have been only neccesary contact and been really good this week and its helped but I dont want to feel like im laying down and accepting this. But I also dont want to push it hard. So far shes happy with whatever shes got going on so its not even a problem of her reaching out or anything she dont. I just felt like I needed to do "something" to not be a bystander. If just like doing and saying nothing at all is an actual viable plan at this point im 1000% okay with that.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/10/21 07:02 PM
Steve,

You cannot portray that you are this aloof, carefree guy thatís moving on because youíre not. Youíre her doormat that she wipes the bottom of her shoes on on her way out to see other men. Thatís what you portray on this board and that is certainly what she sees you as and will continue to until she is done toying with you. You have allowed her to cheat on you for years so what could possibly make you think you have any control over it now? You should be pushing the D through for one reason and one reason only. She has NEvER nor will she EVER be faithful to you. EVER.

Sorry Steve I know Iím being harsh but itís the truth. Every day you hang on is another day you suffer.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/10/21 10:50 PM
Originally Posted by Steve
ately I been strongly feeling like I should ask her to move this along, that I dont want to wait around to be replaced

Asking her to do it for you implies youíre incapable, and begs the question why she should do you that favor. If you want to D, call a lawyer or read a Nolo press book, and make it happen.

Also, stop waiting. Get in IC to fix your issues, stop interacting with her with these non-essential ďessentialĒ childcare interactions for a few months, and make your solo life grand.
Posted By: mtb1981 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/12/21 01:23 PM
Let's get serious here, Steve. The only reason you're not moving the D along is because you're still hoping she comes back. Stop pretending it isn't...
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/12/21 01:39 PM
You doing nothing Is ďallowing her to go sow her wild oatsĒ?!!

Actually, itís quite the opposite. Everything you have been doing is showing you are quite fine with it. She does whatever she wants and you ask her on dates and buy her $100 bottles of wine, and celebrate holidays with her and take family pictures. So basically you say ď do whatever, Iíll still be right here pining for you, not living your life, and making all decisions for myself based upon you.

However, no matter what you do, she will do exactly what she wants.

Just like you need to stop waiting for her moves to dictate how you live your life.

We really canít help you here Steve. You keep trying to fool us, fool her, fool yourself.

The only thing that can help you is intensive psychiatric help . I understand you are a veteran, but I also understand you are employed with health benefits. Use them. Use them now.
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/12/21 02:32 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
You doing nothing Is ďallowing her to go sow her wild oatsĒ?!!

Actually, itís quite the opposite. Everything you have been doing is showing you are quite fine with it. She does whatever she wants and you ask her on dates and buy her $100 bottles of wine, and celebrate holidays with her and take family pictures. So basically you say ď do whatever, Iíll still be right here pining for you, not living your life, and making all decisions for myself based upon you.

However, no matter what you do, she will do exactly what she wants.

Just like you need to stop waiting for her moves to dictate how you live your life.

We really canít help you here Steve. You keep trying to fool us, fool her, fool yourself.

The only thing that can help you is intensive psychiatric help . I understand you are a veteran, but I also understand you are employed with health benefits. Use them. Use them now.



THIS
Posted By: Traveler Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/12/21 06:40 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger
Actually, itís quite the opposite. Everything you have been doing is showing you are quite fine with it. She does whatever she wants and you ask her on dates and buy her $100 bottles of wine, and celebrate holidays with her and take family pictures. So basically you say ď do whatever, Iíll still be right here pining for you, not living your life, and making all decisions for myself based upon you.

I hope this sunk in, Steve. Getting into IC so you learn to never accept being a doormat again is "I'm not okay with this." Buying her a $100 bottle of wine and celebrating Easter together is "I'm okay with this." If you fix whatever causes you to behave like this, your candidate actions will look different, and you and your kids will be happier. If you do nothing, you're likely to attract more users, and turn-off good women. Most nromal people are not attracted to doormats or people who choose to stay victims.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/12/21 08:28 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Actually, itís quite the opposite. Everything you have been doing is showing you are quite fine with it. She does whatever she wants and you ask her on dates and buy her $100 bottles of wine, and celebrate holidays with her and take family pictures. So basically you say ď do whatever, Iíll still be right here pining for you, not living your life, and making all decisions for myself based upon you.


We humans have a hard time "seeing" our own issues. Other people in our lives help shine light on these issues. Many of us here have worked through our own "red color glasses" and learned healthier ways of behaving. Ginger is pointing out one of the many areas to you.

There are times when the behavior above is perfectly acceptable. There are times when it is not. When you are healthy, you can easily discern which way to behave.
Posted By: Cadet Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/13/21 01:23 PM
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Actually, itís quite the opposite. Everything you have been doing is showing you are quite fine with it. She does whatever she wants and you ask her on dates and buy her $100 bottles of wine, and celebrate holidays with her and take family pictures. So basically you say ď do whatever, Iíll still be right here pining for you, not living your life, and making all decisions for myself based upon you.


We humans have a hard time "seeing" our own issues. Other people in our lives help shine light on these issues. Many of us here have worked through our own "red color glasses" and learned healthier ways of behaving. Ginger is pointing out one of the many areas to you.

There are times when the behavior above is perfectly acceptable. There are times when it is not. When you are healthy, you can easily discern which way to behave.


Another words - DETACHMENT
Posted By: job Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/13/21 10:31 PM
Steve,

As Cadet mentioned about, please start a new thread and link this thread to your new one and vice versa. This thread is staying unlocked so that you can link both of them together. Thanks!
Posted By: SteveLW Re: Steve_ Facing reality Part 1. - 04/14/21 02:41 PM
Another 4+ day stretch with no updates from Steve_.........never a good thing with this one.

New Thread:

Steve_'s Journey forward
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