They have cheated on you, dump them ýou are worth more.
This site is so wrong.
It can never be better
Never coming back, LH19 you are a king
Yo D.
I agree with your first point, disagree with your second and third point and as for your 4th point, I’m just a man like you who got my world flipped upside by the person closest to me.
I don’t think the site is wrong I just think people have a difficult time following advice because the majority is counterintuitive. They also don’t have the knowledge I have in six years of reading books, listening to podcasts and being on this board. Your statement of it can never be better is not true. I still believe in recons but I truly believe that has to come way down the road after years of life apart, reflection, healing and therapy. Until then you remove them from your life as soon as possible which may include a D.
I do believe if you follow the advice here, drop the rope and go and live an amazing life everything else will work itself out.
Take care D I hope you find peace in your life.
For me the bustin in divorcebusting equals, beating it.
Winning (not loosing), R or not.
I get where you’re coming from. The vast majority of the marriages on this site are dead and won’t be resurrected.
And sometimes I feel like people here are just prolonging their pain, and being here to “stand” prevents them from moving on.
But to say the site is a waste of time... no. For me, it was a good resource. It helped me realise over time how much better off I was - and in 18 months I’ve gone from a shell of a man to being completely in control and blissfully happy.
If you believe this site is just about saving marriages, then you are missing the point. It’s actually about saving left behind spouses - and that is done 99% of the time by going separate ways.
Are you giving the forum a "parting shot"?
Agree with last 3 post's,
when i first got here a short while ago i would have taken anything to have her back in my life, but after reading many posts on her and being led by the experienced ones in the situations we find our self's in.
i now realise how much pain and depression she left me in and how i am feeling now.
and i don't want to go backwards and feel like that ever again.
and yes the longer it goes on the better i feel - time is that healer! just let go.
I think this site gives people the best chance at saving or rebuilding their relationship. If you follow the advice here and things do not work out, then you can confidently move forward knowing you did everything in your power to save things without having regrets.
This site is not just about attempting to save a marriage, but to save you, the LBS. No one promises a poster that a marriage will be saved, but you sure as heck have a 50/50 chance of: 1) saving the marriage or 2) saving yourself in the process and moving forward to reclaim self and learn about yourself so that the same mistakes aren't made a second time around, if you so desire to remarry, etc.
I find it interesting that you've not started a thread of your own so that others can learn from your life's story. When we read about the life stories of others, we can also not only help each poster to find their footing once again, but we learn to share and help one another walk the path and sometimes, we can learn how to cope from those other life stories. We share adventures, self help stories and yes, even movies, books and hobbies that may help others.
Again, this site is about learning and exploring outside our comfort zone. It's not just about saving a marriage...but about saving a person and regaining their self worth and respect for themselves as well as others.
I'm sorry you feel the way you do, but I do have to wonder what triggered your creating a thread now. What happened?
This site saved me.
I was lost after bomb drop - not understanding how it could have possibly happened.
And through the counter intuitive knowledge that I learned here found my way forward.
That is what this site is all about.
DB101 control the only person that you can - YOU!
And sometimes marriages are saved and sometimes future relationships are made.
You finally understand things that never made sense before and you do not continue to
make the same mistakes over and over.
I have to add to the chorus here. I throttled a lot in my own sitch before I found this site. I got lucky and moved to R, but even if I hadn't I know that thanks to the vets here I would have been okay!
They have cheated on you, dump them ýou are worth more.
Not all ex's here are cheaters. Many are walkways who stated the marriage was done or both parties agreed to open it or they moved out prior to dating. Even among cheaters, there are degrees--Steve's W limited it to EAs, and May's H had a single PA. This is different than secret OM after OW after OM.
The focus should almost always be on re-building yourself. Most of us have some degree of co-dependency coming out of a long relationship, some degree of self-esteem damage after being rejected by a long-term partner, and we can get caught in a "distancer-pursuer" dynamic chasing a situation we never loved.
Rebuilding ourselves makes reconciliation more likely, makes it more likely we set reasonable terms on it. Rebuilding ourselves enables a happy life without them. It's really "The Way".
Parting shot--this site is so right.
Hi LH,
It has been 5 or 6 years for you since BD if I understand correctly. Has your ex ever tried to recon since then ? If not, do you still think she might try one day (even if you’re not interested in recon) ?
Despite what AS, Steve or you have said multiple times about the fact that in the long run, WAW will eventually want to give a shot at recon, I still doubt it.
Personnally, since BD two years ago, I have done everything by the DB book, and I have not heard a peep from my ex for a year now. I am in full NC so I don’t know what she’s doing, but my guess is she must be happy in her new relationship with OM or whoever.
If I ever hear from her and she begs for recon, I will share my story
Well, I was the cheater in my sitch. This site saved my life too.
I’m sorry I cant post too often nowadays. Trying to change that soon.
Love you all
This site helped me save my marriage and change my perspective on life. Thank you to MWD and everyone here. My life is much better than 3 years ago.
I know you're hurting Dunm, but you're always welcome to come back and post your story or continue to contribute judgment free.
To add, glad you are in a satisfying relationship since 2018 DunnM, and hope it remains so. I've appreciated your support and hope you never have cause to create a thread. Peace and good tidings!
Hi LH,
It has been 5 or 6 years for you since BD if I understand correctly. Has your ex ever tried to recon since then ? If not, do you still think she might try one day (even if you’re not interested in recon) ?
Despite what AS, Steve or you have said multiple times about the fact that in the long run, WAW will eventually want to give a shot at recon, I still doubt it.
Personnally, since BD two years ago, I have done everything by the DB book, and I have not heard a peep from my ex for a year now. I am in full NC so I don’t know what she’s doing, but my guess is she must be happy in her new relationship with OM or whoever.
If I ever hear from her and she begs for recon, I will share my story
I have to caveat this because people always get it wrong.
What I have said is EVENTUALLY WASs will want to R. Lots of factors come into play. One or both Ss may die before that occurs. They may remarry and not want to get another D even if they are unhappy in the new marriage. But yes, if both the LBS and WAS live long enough, most WASs will eventually regret their decision and want to R at some point down the line. People have a way of romanticizing things and forgetting the bad over time.
Hi LH, It has been 5 or 6 years for you since BD if I understand correctly. Has your ex ever tried to recon since then ? If not, do you still think she might try one day (even if you’re not interested in recon) ?
Despite what AS, Steve or you have said multiple times about the fact that in the long run, WAW will eventually want to give a shot at recon, I still doubt it.
So since BD we did recon once but it was definitely a false recon. I have been divorced and living apart for about 2.5 years. Since the D she has not tried to recon with me. If she did my answer would be no. She hasn't changed still very selfish and miserable yet she won't seek out help to find out why. I know things didn't turn out like she anticipated but I am not sure she is strong enough to ever admit it.
J I have always said 2-5 years. Rarely ever is it before two and if it is it doesn't last. I always tell the story on here that my friends parents reconned after 35 years apart.
One or both Ss may die before that occurs.
Uuuummm. How do you recon with a dead spouse?
One or both Ss may die before that occurs.
Uuuummm. How do you recon with a dead spouse?
Exactly my point!
One or both Ss may die before that occurs.
Uuuummm. How do you recon with a dead spouse?
Exactly my point!
I guess I don't understand your point but that wouldn't be the first time lol.
One or both Ss may die before that occurs.
Uuuummm. How do you recon with a dead spouse?
Exactly my point!
I guess I don't understand your point but that wouldn't be the first time lol.
"Lots of factors come into play. One or both Ss may die before that occurs. "
Not sure I can make it any plainer.
What I have said is EVENTUALLY WASs will want to R. Lots of factors come into play. One or both Ss may die before that occurs.
Ok. I'll try one more time then give up. Word for word you said EVENTUALLY WASs will want to R. Then you said one or both may die for that occurs. If you stick to your word EVENTUALLY that would mean they would want to recon after they were dead.
What I have said is EVENTUALLY WASs will want to R. Lots of factors come into play. One or both Ss may die before that occurs.
Ok. I'll try one more time then give up. Word for word you said EVENTUALLY WASs will want to R. Then you said one or both may die for that occurs. If you stick to your word EVENTUALLY that would mean they would want to recon after they were dead.
Reread:
"One or both Ss may die
before that occurs."
What I have said is EVENTUALLY WASs will want to R. Lots of factors come into play. One or both Ss may die before that occurs.
Ok. I'll try one more time then give up. Word for word you said EVENTUALLY WASs will want to R. Then you said one or both may die for that occurs. If you stick to your word EVENTUALLY that would mean they would want to recon after they were dead.
Reread:
"One or both Ss may die
before that occurs."
I reread. Now I understand. (Insert LH19 eyeroll)
What I have said is EVENTUALLY WASs will want to R. Lots of factors come into play. One or both Ss may die before that occurs.
Ok. I'll try one more time then give up. Word for word you said EVENTUALLY WASs will want to R. Then you said one or both may die for that occurs. If you stick to your word EVENTUALLY that would mean they would want to recon after they were dead.
Reread:
"One or both Ss may die
before that occurs."
I reread. Now I understand. (Insert LH19 eyeroll)
Yeah - me or my ex - since I am much older than all of you
This is a new take on "over my dead body"
BL42,
Please come back,
You were a backbone
Lovs
XXX
Good Morning dunnm
I merged your post into your open thread. Please utilize one thread until it reaches 100 posts. You can change your thread title anytime you like.
Thanks
DnJ
Dunn,
Most of the vets have moved on due probably due to the new changes on the board. Time for you to step up around here instead of asking posters to comeback.
Dunn,
This is not the same place it was back when I started coming here in 2015. Back then, disagreements were viewed as opportunities to grow. I cannot speak for anyone else, but I will speak for myself. There is nothing here for me any more. What was once a refuge and welcoming place is now something quite different. People don't necessarily stay where they aren't valued as anything more than a resource for newcomers.
Boat is not wrong - others need to step up. Or not. Seems like the changes had the desired effect: to drive away the undesirables. It also seems to have had the effect of unplugging the life support machine, as one friend told me, so that it will die a natural death.
Others need to step up.
Dunn,
A lot of vets have stopped coming here. This is not the same place it was back when I started coming here in 2015. Back then, disagreements were viewed as opportunities to grow. I cannot speak for anyone else, but I will speak for myself. There is nothing here for me any more. What was once a refuge and welcoming place is now something quite different. People don't necessarily stay where they aren't valued as anything more than a resource for newcomers.
You get out what you put in.
Put nothing in - get nothing out
And then there is the issue of paying it forward.
Most of the vets have paid more than their fair share of that.
2015, BD. D 2016.
It's now 2023.
Pretty sure I've paid it forward Cadet.
Do you see any other women posting here who aren't newcomers?
Be a bit more clear when you post please.
Pretty sure I've paid it forward Cadet.
Exactly what I just said
Be a bit more clear when you post please.
This is my normal cryptic type of post.
I am not as eloquent as you are,
I am short and to the point.
I am much better with links.
Pretty sure I've paid it forward Cadet.
Exactly what I just said
Be a bit more clear when you post please.
This is my normal cryptic type of post.
I am not as eloquent as you are,
I am short and to the point.
I am much better with links.
You've said exactly that on a thread of mine in the past which is why it seems personal.
Nope
The last I will say on his thread which is for dunnm
DnJ
I thank you for all that you do but not fot merging my threads are these things really connected.
Rules will be rules.
Guess it highlights my appreciation for LH19
@bttrfly not for the first time (((B)))
@Boat 14, I have read every post you have made on this forum, thank you for your opinion!
DnJ
I thank you for all that you do but not fot merging my threads are these things really connected.
Rules will be rules.
Guess it highlights my appreciation for LH19
@bttrfly not for the first time (((B)))
@Boat 14, I have read every post you have made on this forum, thank you for your opinion!
LH19 was one of the greatest of all time but apparently the powers that be felt otherwise. The show must go on or the board will no longer exist. Time to take the torch dunnm a run with it.
Why, what happened to LH19? Did he get banned?
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2943712&page=1Don't know if that will work, complete technophobe
But in answer to your question yes!
And we appear to have lost Ginger 1, Dawn, kml, DonH too, hmmm
Well I read the thread, and it’s super disappointing. I don’t know what’s worse, that one of the most valuable and active members is not contributing… or that mods flat out refused to acknowledge what went on, and locked the thread about his disappearance.
Like BL42, I’m a bit disheartened by it all.
Sometimes LH19 told some hard truths. And if he overstepped the mark, he apologised. Sounds like the sort of person we want around.
I'd like to chime in about walkaways and MLCers wanting to return at some point. Not all of them will want to return. Why? Some will think that it is too difficult to return and be viewed by friends, co-workers and family members as cheaters and are waiting for the other shoe to drop, i.e., thinking that they will leave again.
You do have a few (50/50% chance) will make the difficult and hard decision to attempt to return to the spouse/partner that they have left. It may take a year or many years for them to work on themselves and come to realize that what they where looking for was right at the place they ran away from all of the time.
Some will apologize and others will want to sweep the entire saga under the rug and try to move on without discussing what transpired. It is always best to allow them to come to you, listen to what they have to say and keep your expectations at zero. If they do want to return, the old marriage is dead and a new one needs to be created which means, whatever changes that you made along the way must be permanent.
Ultimately, if your spouse/partner does come to you and hints at wanting to try again, you and only you can make the decision as to whether you want to try again. In many cases, they have been MIA too long and you, the lbs, have moved on.
You will know when you've had enough and make the decision as to what you want to do with your life and whether or not you want your spouse/partner back. Until then, continue working on yourself and moving forward.
Looks like you can add spiral and only bent to the list too.
Edit -you know we have 27,782 users on this forum - I would guess most of them have left - Cadet
Hey Cadet, not quite sure why you are taking this personally. Out of those 27000 members how many post and how many are bots? It’s not uncommon for me to find myself as the only person online anymore.
It’s undeniable there’s been turnover, and it’s undeniable the slack hasn’t been picked up.
The ongoing busting forum so far as been a complete bust.
I’ll be quite though, don’t wanna stir the pot, Im sure others have been banned for less.
WTF happened to War and Peace then
Twice now, not sure whats wrong
Job, Cadet, DnJ can I have a new thread? this is not where I am at?
Good Morning dunnm
Yes you may start a new thread. I’ll not merge them, and lock this one.
D
Do you just want this one linked to the new thread, merge them together or just let this one float to the bottom? We will do whatever you want us to do.
JosephS,
Many of those 27,782 users have left the forum. Some of the users date back to when this Board was created. Why have they left? Because they moved on with their lives, found new relationships or they no longer wanted to post. This happens on other forums as well. The user listing should be updated...but that's not something that the moderators would be involved in. As for Bots, I haven't found any in my searches for users. Have you found any? If so, let us know so that we can notify Headquarters of the situation.
Everyone is welcome to post on this Board. Posters should be mindful of what the mission of the Board is. It is the choice of the poster as to whether to stay or go at any time. We have a few that return every now and then give us updates on their lives and we welcome them back all of the time.