Previous thread
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2897414#Post2897414So I'm switching up the title, I think this fits better.
So previously in the last episode of the Young and the ridiculous..as I stated the STBXW wouldn't stop texting or attempting to call me all night last night, and picked right up this morning and afternoon. I did decide to email her back.
Dear ********.
I can appreciate what you are going through. I can almost even sympathize with you. You know my stance on men hitting woman, (though I do find it ironic you told people I abused you), so I can feel for you. No one deserves to be hit. What you are failing to understand, or conveniently forgetting is that included your children.
Every message or voicemail you left today didn't show an ounce of growth. It showed you still can't see past your own selfishness. You haven't apologized to the children for what you did. You still haven't attempted to get real honest lasting help for your...issues. You do nothing but focus on me. You don't need to do that. We are no more. I am honestly happier with my life now, than I have ever been. This isn't meant to hurt you, and this isn't a challenge to get you to try harder. This is me, being 100% honest with you, and myself. Our marriage was broken long before the duct tape fell off the shattered window pane that was our marriage. We held onto a thread in a hurricane. All the affair did was rip the glue off what needed to be welded.
I encourage you to face your demons, I encourage you to get real help. Lean on your family for the support you are so desperately going to need. I am just am not your family anymore, and our children, are just that, children, so don't you dare look to them to be your support system.
I do hope you take a hard look in the mirror. Your life had so much potential, and right now you're an airplane spiraling at the ground with a passed out pilot at the controls.
But you are still only 34 with so much potential to have a better future, so don't give up on yourself. You can have so much more. But it's totally up to you to ensure that happens.
Good luck, and I hope you and the baby are ok.
*****
So that's what I wrote, I feel good about it. I think it makes my stance clear, yet doesn't come off to rough or kicking someone while they're down no matter how much she may deserve it.
Real quick, no I am not taking her back. No I am not tempted in the slightest. I enjoy not being filled with anxiety and depression. I am 100% sure she'll go after the children now, and they have been made aware. The double edge sword in this situation is they are a little more battle tested than most kids. I did make their therapist aware of the situation just in case however. So we'll see where this goes. I'm not gonna sit around like I use to and worry about it, it doesn't solve anything and just waste precious time and I wasted enough of that in my life.
Steve, I wanted to just say to you specifically, detaching was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But once I did, I was above the clouds and haze of the manipulation, games, deceit and self denial about the person I married, and the life I convinced myself I was ok to live in. Once you get there, and you will, it's an awaking that is lights up your soul and fills you with warmth.
I saw you were going to church, and I think that's an amazing way to GAL. There are so many good people and safe activities for you and your kids! Hang in there, Spring is around the corner, nature is going to look alive again, and I hope you take a moment to look around and experience the growth all around you, and partake in that growth for yourself.
Holy crap J! You sure are an inspiration on this board!
I understand sending that email and surely understand the feeling of sending it.
Good on you for taking care of you kids and being ready!
I have to ask, how are things between you legally?
Do you have full custody?
Holy crap J! You sure are an inspiration on this board!
I understand sending that email and surely understand the feeling of sending it.
Good on you for taking care of you kids and being ready!
I have to ask, how are things between you legally?
Do you have full custody?
I have full physical and legal custody of my 4 girls and my son turns 18 in a month and a half. I’m sure she’ll file for custody or visitation again and again and again so it won’t be over for another 9 years but we’ll get through it.
That letter was awesome, Joseph!
Steve, I wanted to just say to you specifically, detaching was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But once I did, I was above the clouds and haze of the manipulation, games, deceit and self denial about the person I married, and the life I convinced myself I was ok to live in. Once you get there, and you will, it's an awaking that is lights up your soul and fills you with warmth.
I saw you were going to church, and I think that's an amazing way to GAL. There are so many good people and safe activities for you and your kids! Hang in there, Spring is around the corner, nature is going to look alive again, and I hope you take a moment to look around and experience the growth all around you, and partake in that growth for yourself.
Great post. Steve_ is going to benefit greatly from your perspective, JosepehS!
Update
Well I can’t say I wasn’t warned by many on here
So last night I was pumping gas and I was hit in the back of my head, with what, couldn’t tell you. I must have been hit multiple times in the face and my foot is broke.
All I know, is it was my EXs boyfriend who attacked me from behind. He was arrested and I’m obviously pressing charges.
Seriously, I thought this was over and done with. She’s just the gift that keeps on giving.
OMG Joseph!!! So glad you are healthy enough to post on here and weren’t more seriously injured (although a broken foot seems pretty serious). That’s just a whole other level of crazy!! Hope you heal soon and there was security footage of the assault so this jerk can be fully prosecuted. (((HUGS)))
Joseph I know I never really wrote on your thread before because well exW is certifiable. There wasn't every much to say. And I didn't have time to re-read everything but but I just want to give you a heads up given your situation on a few things. 1) all of this is going to trigger social services getting involved with that baby 2) if you were still legally married when she had that baby in most places you are the legal father even if you aren't the bio dad and this will cause complications once social services gets involved 3) given the situation with your exW's baby daddy and her "issues," since that's what we're going with, there is a very, very high likelihood that the state will be taking that baby in the near future. If the paternity isn't in order you will be getting roped into this mess 4) with custody of her other children you will be asked if you'd be willing to take that baby, they may even push it if you are the legal father while that situation resolves. I'd give your lawyer a call and see if they know a good juvenile justice attorney or if they can handle this matter should it arise to this level. And given the time I've spent in juvenile and family court I would say there is a very high likelihood that a good chunk of the above will happen.
WOW. Crazy. Man I hate hearing stories like this. No one, H or W, BF or GF is worth this kind of thing. What in the world was he thinking?!?
WOW. Crazy. Man I hate hearing stories like this. No one, H or W, BF or GF is worth this kind of thing. What in the world was he thinking?!?
No idea. The cop said something to the extent that I was stalking him? Idk.
Joseph I know I never really wrote on your thread before because well exW is certifiable. There wasn't every much to say. And I didn't have time to re-read everything but but I just want to give you a heads up given your situation on a few things. 1) all of this is going to trigger social services getting involved with that baby 2) if you were still legally married when she had that baby in most places you are the legal father even if you aren't the bio dad and this will cause complications once social services gets involved 3) given the situation with your exW's baby daddy and her "issues," since that's what we're going with, there is a very, very high likelihood that the state will be taking that baby in the near future. If the paternity isn't in order you will be getting roped into this mess 4) with custody of her other children you will be asked if you'd be willing to take that baby, they may even push it if you are the legal father while that situation resolves. I'd give your lawyer a call and see if they know a good juvenile justice attorney or if they can handle this matter should it arise to this level. And given the time I've spent in juvenile and family court I would say there is a very high likelihood that a good chunk of the above will happen.
Oh god. I hope not. I am under the impression when the baby was born he signed paternity. So I’m hoping nothing like that happens.
I’m curious why children and youth would get in involved?
Wow, Joseph, so sorry you're going through this. Beyond wayfarer's warning, write down a personal account of everything you remember now, because some details may be foggy by the time you get to court. Been there, done that, and the personal account helped me sound confident and put the clown where he belonged.
Thankfully someone else saw it all happen and there are cameras. So hopefully there isn’t much confusion. I appreciate the well wishes.
Just amazes me at 38 I’m dealing with this kind of nonsense. Just a reminder of what kind of trash can I’m dealing with.
Thankfully someone else saw it all happen and there are cameras. So hopefully there isn’t much confusion. I appreciate the well wishes.
Just amazes me at 38 I’m dealing with this kind of nonsense. Just a reminder of what kind of trash can I’m dealing with.
It is certainly not something you should have to deal with, no doubt. I am assuming this guy is a loser. Funny how WSs almost without fail affair down. Kind of make sense, since only a slimeball would mess with someone else's spouse. But I cannot think of one instance, here or in my personal life, where I've witnessed a WS that actually chose an upgrade for their AP. In every instance I've been left scratching my head thinking "that doesn't make sense!"
Just crazy that this guy assaulted you. Do they think he was actually trying to kill you?
Thankfully someone else saw it all happen and there are cameras. So hopefully there isn’t much confusion. I appreciate the well wishes.
Just amazes me at 38 I’m dealing with this kind of nonsense. Just a reminder of what kind of trash can I’m dealing with.
It is certainly not something you should have to deal with, no doubt. I am assuming this guy is a loser. Funny how WSs almost without fail affair down. Kind of make sense, since only a slimeball would mess with someone else's spouse. But I cannot think of one instance, here or in my personal life, where I've witnessed a WS that actually chose an upgrade for their AP. In every instance I've been left scratching my head thinking "that doesn't make sense!"
Just crazy that this guy assaulted you. Do they think he was actually trying to kill you?
She definitely affair’d down and if you knew me, that’s saying something. Because previously she left me with absolutely no self esteem or worth.
I honestly don’t know what he was trying to do. It’s very possible. The witness actually took a buck knife to him to get him to stop since I was out cold from getting hit from behind. Guy was my angel last night
Absolute insanity. Glad you are ok man.
The witness actually took a buck knife to him to get him to stop since I was out cold from getting hit from behind. Guy was my angel last night
Amazing! Many people don't even bother to call 9-1-1 when someone is in trouble (psychologically, they expect someone else to have done so). This man put himself in harm's way to help you! It's great that, for every story here about the depths humanity can sink to, we have another about its heights. A toast to this wonderful stranger!
The witness actually took a buck knife to him to get him to stop since I was out cold from getting hit from behind. Guy was my angel last night
Amazing! Many people don't even bother to call 9-1-1 when someone is in trouble (psychologically, they expect someone else to have done so). This man put himself in harm's way to help you! It's great that, for every story here about the depths humanity can sink to, we have another about its heights. A toast to this wonderful stranger!
Not only did he put a stop to everything, he called the police and provided a statement. Seriously, this guy and his wife are the real hero’s
I wish I knew their number or names, because I would love to send a gift card their way. So I have found out the ex was using an app from the App Store store and and texting him pretending to be me. It’s massively messed up
That is seriously messed up Joseph. Is this a current boyfriend or an ex boyfriend. If it is the former, he should quickly make it the latter. Not that anything justifies what he did to you but I wonder what it is she texted him when she was pretending to be you. Nothing good, that’s for sure. Yikes.
The witness actually took a buck knife to him to get him to stop since I was out cold from getting hit from behind. Guy was my angel last night
Amazing! Many people don't even bother to call 9-1-1 when someone is in trouble (psychologically, they expect someone else to have done so). This man put himself in harm's way to help you! It's great that, for every story here about the depths humanity can sink to, we have another about its heights. A toast to this wonderful stranger!
Not only did he put a stop to everything, he called the police and provided a statement. Seriously, this guy and his wife are the real hero’s
I wish I knew their number or names, because I would love to send a gift card their way. So I have found out the ex was using an app from the App Store store and and texting him pretending to be me. It’s massively messed up
Joseph, I will be praying for you, that all this gets resolved appropriately, and that you make a full and speedy recovery!
Well, I guess life isn’t done being complicated.
Number one they still haven’t filed formal charges which is making me anxious. He’s a firefighter so I hope that doesn’t come into play. And he is apparently the current boyfriend. Apparently they never broke up. Lol go figure. My ex also had her lawyer send a letter to my lawyer claiming I tried to run him over and that he needed to defend himself. And I’m not emotionally stable and they’re concerned for the kids. Just great. And than...
So yesterday my girlfriend stayed home from work to help me. She helped make the kids lunches and dinner. She got my prescriptions and green tea etc. little things I never had anyone do before if I was home. She helped me into the shower too because good lord with a broken foot everything stinks.
However, because there’s always gotta be something, she’s laying in bed with me, rubbing my back, and she says honey, we need to talk. Ooookay, well this can’t be good. I don’t move, just say ok. She asks me to roll onto my side and look at her. I do this slowly yet I don’t say a word. She has the biggest smile and her eyes are glasses from tears. Oh great. I instinctively know right away. I don’t know how, but I do. She says my love, I’m pregnant.
So I have baby number 6 on the way. My oldest turns 18 on Saturday. I’m not sure how to process this on top of everything else.
I’ll update later. To much going on
Joe_S
Oooooooooooooweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.........I'm glad you are ok, but this right here might become a sitcom on CBS or a Netflix movie one day.
I don't know your religion, but you might want to get that snip snip. You dropping your futures like Future at one of his concerts.
You will be in my prayers.
Take it one day at a time.
Well......
Joseph, not sure how to react to this. Congrats, I guess? Seems too soon, but it is your life, not mine. I am assuming this was not planned, and so there are a lot of future issues that this could bring up (like if you do not marry this woman, etc).
First of all, heal up. You have to get healthy again. As far as the accusations of trying to run over the ex's BF, there are witnesses and security footage so that will show he was not acting in self-defense.
Steve I appreciate it. I thought the tongue lashing was coming. Personally I’m not to worried about the legal stuff. That’ll work itself out.
I agree it’s to early. But if I’m being honest if it had to happen I’m glad it’s with her. And regardless I’m aware if things don’t work out it won’t get nasty. I couldn’t ever say the same as before.
Personally, and this is going to sound hypocritical, religiously speaking I hope god won’t kick my @$$ for creating a child out of wed lock. And the hypocritical part is I certainly wasn’t worried about Gods opinion while doing things to make that kid. I am conflicted on a moral level. And though I always appreciate anyone’s support and thoughts, Steve I know you’re a religious man, so I’m definitely open to what you think.
Joseph, obviously from a religious (Christian) standpoint it isn't what God endorses from a fornication standpoint. However, it happens, as you say, when you do what it takes to produce a child. However, the child is loved by God like all of his children, so obviously once conception happens, there is another soul that God loves that comes from that.
It does no good for me to berate you for your choice. It it like yelling at spilled milk. You can't unspill it. But, I do have a couple of pieces of advice to you:
First, you can be a father to this child without being a husband to his or her mother. What I mean by this is that I am not an advocate of marrying just because a GF comes up pregnant. One mistake shouldn't beget another mistake. If im the future you decide to marry it should be independent of this pregnancy.
Second, I know what you mean with your moral struggle. The act that produces children is a private act. Others might suspect it is happening, but no one really knows. But when she comes up pregnant, then everyone knows that it went on at least once, and most are wise enough to know that it happened more often than once . So I think you are struggling with the outward appearance of something that cannot be hid. I wouldn't worry about that.
Joseph, you can make your life right with your beliefs from this point forward. I don't know what all of your personal beliefs are, but clearly you feel that sex outside of marriage is not in keeping with those beliefs. I think it is R2C that says striving to live up to your core beliefs is paramount to living a life that is rewarding and fulfilling.
So what I think is simple. Love this child, be the best father you can possibly be for him or her. As for your moral struggle, figure out what your personal beliefs are and then strive to do what you feel is right from this moment forward, regardless of your past mistakes.
Steve I just wanted to say thank you for your kindness.
So quick update:
Everything with the ex should be final in the next couple of months if not sooner. Everything is finally worked out and submitted.
I haven’t heard a word from her since everything went down a few weeks ago. So hey, may have been worth it after all lol. The guy that attacked me was arrested for aggravated assault and harassment. Has a prelim next month. CYS did not get involved as of yet.
My lawyer told me not worried about her ever getting custody as long as she with him. It wouldn’t be safe so on top of everything else, I got that going for me.
Onto the baby situation. My girlfriend is definitely pregnant and we had a our first doctors appointment. She’s so excited and I gotta admit it’s really cute. I’ve spoken to my kids counselor and they’ve pointed us in the direction of some very good family counselors, so we agreed to go that route. I think it’s the best option for the situation.
Hope everyone is well.
JosephS,
So last night I was pumping gas and I was hit in the back of my head, with what, couldn’t tell you. I must have been hit multiple times in the face and my foot is broke.
All I know, is it was my EXs boyfriend who attacked me from behind. He was arrested and I’m obviously pressing charges.
Omg, that is bat sh*&t crazy. Glad you're not hurt too seriously (if a broken foot doesn't count as serious), and doubly glad there was video/witnesses. This is literally insane. It can't be common...right?
Funny how WSs almost without fail affair down. Kind of make sense, since only a slimeball would mess with someone else's spouse. But I cannot think of one instance, here or in my personal life, where I've witnessed a WS that actually chose an upgrade for their AP. In every instance I've been left scratching my head thinking "that doesn't make sense!"
Indeed. That is an interesting phenomenon. A lot of people refer to the term online, but wonder if there are actual statistics behind it? Certainly true in my case with W's OM1 and OM2. Seems like they need validation / ego boost and the lesser person gives that more easily that the spouse? But maybe the "down" part of the "affair down" causes issues for them in the long run after a certain honeymoon period (whether it be 6 months or 3 years).
Well, I guess life isn’t done being complicated...
However, because there’s always gotta be something, she’s laying in bed with me, rubbing my back, and she says honey, we need to talk. Ooookay, well this can’t be good. I don’t move, just say ok. She asks me to roll onto my side and look at her. I do this slowly yet I don’t say a word. She has the biggest smile and her eyes are glasses from tears. Oh great. I instinctively know right away. I don’t know how, but I do. She says my love, I’m pregnant.
So I have baby number 6 on the way. My oldest turns 18 on Saturday. I’m not sure how to process this on top of everything else.
Yikes. I'm sure you'll love the child and not imagine your life without him or her, but man is that going to be complicated - and difficult - for
everyone involved. Reminds me of Wolfman. How long have you been dating your girlfriend? Is it true you have 5 kids with your ex, your ex had one with another man while married to you, and now you have one on the way? Good call on the family counselor for your kids.
I haven’t heard a word from her since everything went down a few weeks ago. So hey, may have been worth it after all lol. The guy that attacked me was arrested for aggravated assault and harassment. Has a prelim next month. CYS did not get involved as of yet.
My lawyer told me not worried about her ever getting custody as long as she with him. It wouldn’t be safe so on top of everything else, I got that going for me.
Good. Glad to hear he was arrested. Sounds like a slam dunk case with video and eye witnesses. If it helps you keep custody, all the better.
Good luck JosephS. You have a lot going on in your life. Hope everything turns out for the best.
Hi Joseph,
The comparison to Wolfman's situation makes sense in that the pregnancy was unplanned, and the timing makes life more complicated for your kids than if you used protection and made a conscious choice. Please also note the differences--you and your girlfriend get along very well and you are in no danger of losing your kids. I think there is still a lot of promise in your situation. I support your decision to recruit a family therapist and second Steve's thought not to marry just because she's pregnant. When would you have married her without the pregnancy? Consider waiting. Marriage isn't to hide you had sex outside marriage. People will figure that out anyway when they compare birthdays and wedding dates.
Hey BL42, thanks for stopping by!
It’s actually more complicated and less complicated than that lol. My 18 year old, I met him when he was 8 months old. I’m actually in the process of adopting him as an adult. So I’m super excited about that. The next 4 are biologically mine. My ex did have a baby in January. That doesn’t complicate things in the slightest. She hid it, lied about it, and did whatever else. My kids know about her baby, but not because of my ex. We’ll see if it lasts, but they’ve never met the baby, and as of now have no intention too and don’t feel as if it’s a sibling. Whatever they choose to do in that regard they have my full support. My ex hasn’t shown any inclination to have the baby meet the other kids and hasn’t asked them. To me, this is going to go one of two ways. She’s either going to run as far away as she can and pretend we never existed in a new made up life in a different state, or her entire world is going to blow up and she’ll try to come back and use that baby as a way to attempt to talk to people. No idea which one and at the end of the day I really don’t care.
As far as the OM and her attraction, I think back to the numerous conversations we’ve had over the last 15 months and how many lies and made up stories she’s told, but there have been a hand full where I know she was being honest. She told me what she liked about him, that she was smarter, he believed everything she said without question and she can manipulate him. And those traits made it so she can do or say whatever she wants and never have to worry about him leaving. The fact that he “stole” a married woman means he must be so special and they are meant for each other she would never do those things to him...she actually said these things, and I believe every word of it. It’d sad, and pathetic.
CW, always appreciate the positivity. Me and my girlfriend do get along very well. She’s active with me physically, emotionally and mentally. She pushes me to be a better person but does it in a loving manner. She’s absolutely amazing with my kids in every way. If my kids need me they come first and she makes sure of that, as do I. As an example, my youngest was having a tough day because of some school yard petty stuff, and we were all supposed to have dinner. My girlfriend heard my youngest talking to her sister about it after she told me, and she stopped by with dinners for everyone from a restaurant with a Redbox movie for my youngest gave me a hug and a kiss gave my youngest a huge hug, and told me to call her later and eat with the kids and watch a movie with them. It’s the small things like that..she’s amazing.
No we won’t get married because of the baby, but we are going to figure out a way to live together in the future. Will we get married? Idk, I never thought I’d want to again, not after that disaster. But I can tell you if I woke up next to her everyday, well the thought makes me smile. Just gonna take things a step and day at a time.
JosephS,
Saw you post on another thread. How are things with you? Did the D finalize? What about the legal aspects of the assault? Everything ok w/GF and baby?
Hey, I still come and look every so often to see how people are doing and see if I can add anything to peoples situations.
D is finalized after a last Hail Mary on her part. The EX is still convinced we are supposed to be together. Still tried every few weeks to be friends or more. Claims the only reason she signed the divorce paperwork was so we could get remarried and have a fresh start. Of course she’s claiming all of this while still living with someone else. In other words she’s just as delusional and nuts as she’s always been. I just don’t care. I feel sorry for her. I really do. Her whole life is built on hate, lies and deceptions and that’s gotta be a hard life to live. But she seems to enjoy the drama and craziness, so more power to her. I’ve just had enough to last the rest of my life.
The ex’s b/f is attempting to claim I tried to hit him with a car and have been stalking him. Yep that’s his defense for what happened. Just as crazy as his girlfriend. He’s continued his trial a few times. I think they realize if he pleads or is found guilty that’s just another tip of the cap of she won’t be seeing her kids. They won’t be allowed around him either. Just funny to claim all this when I’ve seen the video of him sneaking up from behind me while I’m pumping gas. And he has produced no evidence that I’ve ever contacted him in anyway, because I haven’t.
We do go back for another custody hearing in a few weeks. I’m sure it’ll get continued or she’ll no show or just flat out lose. I don’t worry about it anymore. Sadly I’ve accepted she uses attempting to get the kids as away to attempt to control me. I just worry about what’s in my control and let god handle the rest.
Kids are doing great. Everyone is back in school except my oldest daughter who’s virtual. She seems to thrive and do better in a non traditional environment. But she still has a social life and a job so she’s not being a shut in which was my biggest concern. The EX still tries to manipulate the kids and blame me for her behavior and claim they don’t know everything. Still calls all of them liars for calling her out on her abuse. Claims I abused her etc etc blah blah. It’s just a broken record and the kids just shake their head at it at this point and move on with their day.
Me and my G/F are doing great. She’s still a wonderful blessing. Baby is due next month and I couldn’t be more excited. We have a name picked out which goes with my 4 other daughters names. Her family is throwing a baby shower in a few weeks and my G/F is gonna come pick up my daughters and take them. Her family made sure to include them which was amazing. She’ll be fully moved in within a few weeks and life will begin anew. I love my new life and I’m thankful for the opportunities I’ve been given. We have certain rules we have followed and I think they are wonderful rules for us. I can’t say they’ll work for everyone. When we argue we still make sure to say I love you. If one of us hurts the others feelings we stop and talk about it. That particularly has helped me realize sometimes my playful sarcasm can be hurtful. That’s just one example and it does go both ways. I think we’ve established healthy boundaries and established a relationship where hidden resentment won’t build up. Just need to ensure that we don’t become complacent or start to take what we have for granted.
All in all I’m doing really well. The kids are doing better than I’ve ever seen them before during or after all this. We are all happy, excited for life and really looking forward to whatever the future holds.
"Sadly I’ve accepted she uses attempting to get the kids as away to attempt to control me. I just worry about what’s in my control and let god handle the rest."Exactly brother, thats where I ended up on this year-long suckfest. God has been far too good to me and I have been faithful and doing my best to be obedient. When I get overloaded I remember to lay it at his feet, nothing is impossible for him.
"I love my new life and I’m thankful for the opportunities I’ve been given. We have certain rules we have followed and I think they are wonderful rules for us."That is awesome, yep I realized that although life did not work out the way we wanted, it absolutely can be better, and complacency is definitely such a big thing to keep an eye on, I really like what you posted! NEVER stop dating
JosephS,
Fantastic update! Glad to hear you, your kids, and your GF are doing so well. Good luck with the baby next month...are you ready for diapers and no sleep? ;-) Hope the legal process on the assault and the custody hearing both go well.
D is finalized after a last Hail Mary on her part. The EX is still convinced we are supposed to be together. Still tried every few weeks to be friends or more. Claims the only reason she signed the divorce paperwork was so we could get remarried and have a fresh start. Of course she’s claiming all of this while still living with someone else. In other words she’s just as delusional and nuts as she’s always been.
So bizarre. Will never understand how some of their minds work...
That particularly has helped me realize sometimes my playful sarcasm can be hurtful.
This is a lesson I'm learning as well, and need to be mindful of in the future. I have a better understanding now of ExW's self-esteem, anxiety, and family issues than I did before BD - don't appreciate their magnitude back then and the impact they were having on our marriage. I tend to joke/tease/be sarcastic around people I'm comfortable with. Even though I thought I was playful and she wasn't objecting, I can now see how those jokes combined with her esteem/childhood issues could be hurtful and damaging.
Well I hope if anyone can get anything from me it’s this.
Healing happens at different rates for different people but make sure you are healing and not filling a void with someone else. Using someone to make yourself feel better is a miserable thing to do.
Not enough left behind spouses take a good look in the mirror. What role did we play in the break down in the relationship is something we should be spending more time addressing. LBS tend to let themselves be victims and blame everything on their partners. But if you are honest with yourself, how many red flags did you ignore? How many before and during the marriage. As the saying goes, those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.
One thing I see on here a lot and it really bothers me is one of two things. #1, just because someone left you for whatever reason. It could be cheating, or being bored, or years of emotional neglect, doesn’t make them automatically a bad parent. You can be terrible at being a spouse but still be an excellent parent. I think to many equate leaving a marriage and walking out of that relationship to walking out on their kids. #2 it really surprises me how many people use their kids to try to demonize and or manipulate their STBEX. I’m sure this won’t sound great, but I know some will understand. It really would have done me personally a world of good if I didn’t have an abusive ex that I could have trusted with my kids. I can’t tell you how often I was overworked and overwhelmed. The only time I got to feel what happened and heal was when I posted on here or when I went to bed. It would have been nice if my kids could have gone to my ex’s house and I could have came home and just…really cried. But I couldn’t because my kids were abused and they couldn’t see the only person they had left breakdown even if it was momentarily.
I hope someone someday reads all this and sees maybe they prioritized, work, drinking, football, the car, the motorcycle, hunting, fishing, video games, or whatever over their spouse and that doesn’t make their spouse a bad parent and a horrible person because they handled the break up of their marriage the wrong way. I wish people would really prioritize what was best for their children and really understand their children will heal and that spouse is that child’s blood.
And lastly, people spend way to much time trying to label their ex’s. Whether a midlife crisis, a WAS, habitual cheater, or the spouse that got nagged to death for a decade, it doesn’t really matter. Start working on yourself, because if you aren’t going to be the best version of you and stick to it, that spouse isn’t coming back and you’re most likely going to be right back here in your next relationship.
Well my new baby was born last Friday. She’s such a cutie and such a good baby. She didn’t particularly like the car ride home, but she loves sleeping on my chest in my chair. She’s already a Daddy’s girl and I couldn’t be happier to have a 5th daughter.
My kids waited at home for their new sister to come home, and all took turns holding her and just being fantastic about the whole situation.
I came to this site a destroyed man in March of 2020. Most people will remember this as the beginning of COVID. I will remember this as the beginning of my journey to happiness.
Everything really has come together. I’m happy, humble, and have a new zest for life.
Congratulations Joseph
I love to see the LBS take control of their life and come out the other side stronger and happier
All the the best.
Joseph, congrats. Good to see you moving forward healthy and happy!
JosephS,
Saw you over on toughtimes180's thread. How about an update of your own?
How's the baby? 6-7 months now? You and GF getting any sleep?
Did the custody hearing go as planned? And what came of the assault case?
Hope all is well...
Hey BL. Truth be told a lot has happened. But honestly for me the forums have lost their point.
The baby is 7 months old. The GF is actually the W now. My 19 yr old officiated it. Only the kids were there and it was a lot of fun and very memorable. The Ex gave up a while ago. I have full everything. Guy plead guilty to a lesser charge, left my ex and moved several hours away.
I appreciate you asking BL, but honestly I’ve never been happier but I’m positive someone would come up with a way to make sure i knew I was making a terrible decision by moving on.
Steve and CW/Traveler, thank you both for your positive input to my choices. There’s others I would specifically thank but as with most they don’t seem to come here anymore. Not hard to see why.
JosephS, good to hear from you! Glad to hear that your life has continued to move forward, and congratulations on the wedding and marriage. I am praying for years of happiness, and with your personal growth and improvements due to your previous situation, I am sure you have set yourself up for a bright future and success in the new marriage.
As far as people raining on your parade, well it is the internet! I've often said that people will type things they would never ever say to someone's face. You kind of have to, as with most things in life, take the bad with the good. I do think that the bad outweighs the good though! So please continue to be a regular visitor here. Your story is a success story, even if it didn't end in saving your marriage. You are on to the next phase of your life happy and healthy! That is the epitome of "onward and upward!".
Interesting that the Ex gave up. Makes me wonder if a lot of her problem all along was depression? I'll never know how a person can abandon their kids. Hopefully you have offered to get the kids some good counseling since this can cause them a lot of trouble down the line and in their own relationships.
Congrats again! Don't be a stranger.
The baby is 7 months old. The GF is actually the W now. My 19 yr old officiated it. Only the kids were there and it was a lot of fun and very memorable.
Joseph, thanks for the kind words, and so glad life's going well! Having a situation with some similarities, I'm not surprised that how you fought for your kids attracted others. It's wonderful you found and wisely chose her and that your kids accept her. Like Steve, I hope you continue to drop by so we know you're well and the occasional newcomer sees your success story.
JosephS,
The baby is 7 months old. The GF is actually the W now. My 19 yr old officiated it. Only the kids were there and it was a lot of fun and very memorable.
Congrats on the wedding! Glad to hear your kids are embracing new W and family situation.
The Ex gave up a while ago. I have full everything.
Good you're stepping up, but how sad for her and the kids - reminds me of DnJ's Ex.
Guy plead guilty to a lesser charge, left my ex and moved several hours away.
Assaults you "for her" and then leaves and moves away. I'm speechless. It'd be funny if not so sad/tragic. Glad he's been dealt with legally and out of your life going forward.
I appreciate you asking BL, but honestly I’ve never been happier
Glad to hear it. Keep it up!
Great news Joseph. Remember, once a Dber, always a Dber. Keep on growing from inside.
My best wishes for you and your family.
Yikes, that last post from almost 6 months ago puts a bad taste in my mouth.
So, I’m going to give this thread a proper send off.
I wanted to thank everyone who had reached out in anyway. I think I’ll always distinctly remember the panic, worthlessness, and self doubt I felt at first. You know what I really felt that I never said out loud. Man did I feel like less of a man. I was so emasculated from everything. Anyway, thank you guys for just responding, good or bad. This place really was a healthy distraction at times.
So I’m not sure if this is a final update, because never say never, but I’m really hoping there’s no reason too ever again, especially in the new comer’s section. But I will always be around as long as there’s a forum.
So, I’m 39 these days, I’ll be 40 in less than 4 months. There was a coffee cup on the table the other day. Said “Welcome to 40, this is hell”. I laughed when I realized at some point this mug made it’s way from my parents house to mine. I can remember being a little kid and my Dad getting this cup when he turned 40 and thinking he was so old. Things really do go full circle.
The W is a wonderful woman who isn’t perfect in anyway shape or form and that absolutely fine with me. She’s awesome with my kids, she respects their privacy, and she respects our relationship. I hit the lottery thus far with her. We’ll see what the future holds though, I just don’t worry about it. I live in the here and now for the most part.
Kids are great. S19 is in college and in a fraternity. It was good to see a really confident young man walk into the house for Christmas break. Not that he wasn’t before, but you know what I mean.
My oldest D is an official adult today. She’s out with friends. She was the one who was the primary target of her moms abuse. But she’s held a job for a little while now, and has a social life and hasn’t self harmed. I’m very proud of her.
D15,13 and 10 are all doing great. They’re happy yet moody teenagers. Even the 10 year old is starting the eye rolls. Lol. It’s so funny.
The baby is 1. She’s amazing, tenacious as all get up, and makes me realize I’m going on 40. Lol. I can ride a motorcycle, chop wood, fix things around the house, no problems. Her though…whenever she’s awake all you see is a little butt and elbows running CONSTANTLY and I’m exhausted at night now! All the kids accept her no question so I do admit I have help regardless if I want it or not lol.
Work life is great. I actually work a normal person hybrid schedule so I’m blessed there.
Things are just good. There’s always problems, I had to have the well pump replaced a month after hot water heater and water pressure tank. So needless to say these birthdays and Christmas came at just the best time, but in reality what can you do?
So that’s really it.
Everyone take care
Thanks for the update.
When I turned 50, my dad said "Those were the easy 50, the next 50 are the hard ones" Enjoy your next 10 years....lol
But seriously, enjoy your time with the kids. All mine are out of the house now. Time fly's.
Always good to hear from you. Glad to hear life is hectic but good. Best of luck to you and all your kids!
Never really thought I'd be back here with an update, but really I need an outlet more than anything.
Things have been very all over the place. My son who's 20 works full time and goes to college full time. How he is managing is beyond me, but his motto is if he works hard now in 20 years he won't have too.
My oldest daughter....well what can I say, she found a boy, turned 18, barely finished highschool and immediately left. I haven't heard from her in about a month, basically she can't face me after pulling that without saying a word. It's sad, but I know she's gotta find her own path. I email her every day giving her updates on the family and the dog. I didn't one day, and she mentioned it to her sister, so I did continue even though she isn't responding. I do tell her everyday I love her and if she needs anything I'm always here. She's mentioned she did exactly what her mom did when she was 18 and is afraid I'll see her as her mom. (told a sister that). I guess she doesn't realize I was the guy her mom left with when she was 18 and I understand it. We'll get there, but with most things, the journey is gonna take some time.
The rest of the kids are doing great and are happy and healthy.
Now....the "real" DB update.
My ex got real therapy because it was ordered if she wanted to even have supervised visits with the kids. (Side note, anyone on the fence about IC really needs to give it a shot until they find the therapist that works for them). Anyway, it's become obvious and undeniable she's out of this fog. She's been employed, gained some weight, and hasn't argued with me about anything. She's taken full responsibility for what she did, and what she did to the kids. She does talk to the kids whenever she wants and has seen them 2 or 3 times with me there, and it's hard. It's hard to watch her struggle to be a mom when the kids don't want her as that right now. She's respecting it, doesn't push them, and allows them to set all the boundaries. She does call me to vent about it, and I do listen.
She has told me she will always love me and wants nothing more than to get back together and start over, but she's aware that can't happen and has said she's happy I'm happy. I'm cautious as I can be with that, because I don't trust she'll respect that I'm married, because she's started to send "songs" that are obviously about someone messing up and regretting it.
This journey...man it's nuts and a lot of the time I've felt like Mid 1990s Jerry Springer would look at my situation and think it's to much, but I guess that's the path I gotta walk.
Time to start the work day, thankfully it's Friday, and I got plans all weekend that involve fireworks, fires, motorcycles, and shotguns. It's gonna be fun!
To everyone walking this path...keep moving forward, no one here can promise you what's gonna happen next, but whatever you do...do not get caught sitting still!
Thank you for your update Joseph. Respect and appreciation for you and the Lighthouse you are. How was the weekend? Sounds fun!