Trying to heal from WW - part 2 - DivorceBusting.com

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Originally Posted by Ace_32

I actually used to think i was a bit of a sociopath and i didnt think i felt empathy for other people, but maybe that is something people like her have made me believe.

x2 here Ace, don�t believe it. It says more about her than you. I got accused of being an emotionless robot despite all the thought and loving things I did through my actions. It just wasn�t how she felt loved but she still tried to make believe I was unkind and devoid of emotion and incapable of empathy. Ironically it�s amazing how little empathy she has had for me and how I have felt through this whole ideal. It�s classic projection.

Unrelated, I had thought SA meant South Australia and you were a fellow countryman. When I saw you had a Braai, it all clicked. No wonder you didn�t know what I meant by footy. D�oh!

Hey OnlyBent, its something i used to think and say about myself since before i met her and i guess she used it against me or reinforced the idea. I dont think it is the case anymore, i feel like i have started to become a more caring person. Yeah she also told me yesterday that i didnt show her love enough or the way she wanted me to, i agree to an extent but there was also alot of things i did to show her i loved her. Maybe one day she will come to that realisation. I can relate to what you are saying, also agree about the complete lack of empathy she has shown me the last few months. Its shocking how they accuse us of it and then completely turn there back and show no remorse for what they are doing.

I actually was going to ask what you meant by footie but i assumed you meant football. Yeah braai is a dead giveaway haha i didnt even think about that when i used that word that most people wouldnt know what i was talking about.

About the call with her yesterday, i felt quite detached during and after the call but i feel today like it has rekindled my feelings for her a bit. Maybe her being so vulnerable and crying stirred up my love and caring side again, need to fight the urge to take what she said seriously and get hope again. That will just take away all the progress i have been making.

I realised as well that i would still be willing to make this marriage work if she had a change of heart. Was thinking when i send her the signed divorce papers of asking if she is sure this is what she wants (not adding that i am willing to work on the marriage or asking for another chance or anything like that) but just asking the question. Any thoughts on this?

Absolutely not!

You know the answer Ace, don�t undo your hard work.

Thanks for the responses guys. LH i didnt do it so all good, obviously is she wasnt sure then she would have second thoughts. I realised though that i didnt even need to sign yet, she hasnt actually filed yet. It seems she just wanted me to read theough them as well, maybe because she didnt want to have to deal with it alone in a sense or she just wanted my opinion. Either way, it basically says thats what hers is hers and whats mine is mine. At least she isn't vindictive in that way like i have seen a few people experiencing here.

OB i know you are right but isnt helping my feelings from coming back, speaking to her again stirred up something in me that i thought was almost dead... hope, and i have a bit again now. No matter what anyone tells me i still have my hope and i believe in miracles, my faith makes it so. But i am also not a complete idiot and i will try move on with my life regardless of what she says. To be honest though, i have had some stupid ideas though in the past few days about trying to win her back but i haven't pursued them.

Dont think i mentioned this but when she called me she also mentioned she would like to see me, i asked her why she would want to see me and i don't think thats a good idea until way down the line. I have had second thoughts about that a bit and am tempted to say fine let her come visit me for a weekend. I dont know if its closure im after or to see if she will fall for me again (that has happened in the past when we were close to calling things before). I know i will probably get a 2�4 about this but i havent seen her in over 6 months basically since BD.

Ace, talk us through what you genuinely believe will happen if she visits.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent

Originally Posted by Ace_32

I actually used to think i was a bit of a sociopath and i didnt think i felt empathy for other people, but maybe that is something people like her have made me believe.

x2 here Ace, don�t believe it. It says more about her than you. I got accused of being an emotionless robot despite all the thought and loving things I did through my actions. It just wasn�t how she felt loved but she still tried to make believe I was unkind and devoid of emotion and incapable of empathy. Ironically it�s amazing how little empathy she has had for me and how I have felt through this whole ideal. It�s classic projection.

x3 here. Looking back it is classic nice guy/codependency but that didn't happen in a vacuum. I'm getting to a point where I can own my mistakes without the guilt and shame. No matter what you did, she made the choices that she made, nobody else. So as long as they're pointing fingers and not accepting responsibility for their actions, nothing's gonna change. Worst thing that could've happened to me was her taking me back 3-4 months ago because I would've slipped right back under her thumb.

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I have had second thoughts about that a bit and am tempted to say fine let her come visit me for a weekend. I dont know if its closure im after or to see if she will fall for me again (that has happened in the past when we were close to calling things before).

If she were to fall for you again, would you want to go back to how it was? I haven't followed your situation so I am not sure of the full backstory, but I know for me going back to how it was would be more devastating than ending things.

Been spiraling a bit his week, should have seen it coming to be honest. I understand better now why no contact is the right thing to do as talking to her last week really messed with my head and triggered me. Had a few drinks with my dad last night and ended up messaging her the old nonsense about loving her,etc which i havent done in months amd was a major setback but can keep trying to learn from my mistakes.

OnlyBent, im not sure but i believe if i could just see her again i could win her back. After BD she basically said she doesn't want to video call etc. because she still finds me very attractive and doesnt want to fall for me again. Physical attraction was never an issue in our situation, that was the one part of our relationship that was always good and worked. I think if we spent some time together again it will make a big difference. That could just be a fools hope though.

Hey SaltyDog, thanks for your message. I wouldnt want to go back to how things were, i know that whether we work things out one day or not that our old relationship is dead. Too much has happened to just go back to the way things were, it would need to be a complete restart. There were some bad times but i would rather be back in my marriage with its faults than be where i am now.

Ok. Ace brace yourself because I am about to be brutally honest with you.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

Had a few drinks with my dad last night and ended up messaging her the old nonsense about loving her,etc which i havent done in months and was a major setback but can keep trying to learn from my mistakes.

You have been here long enough to know this is very weak and needy behavior which is a complete turn off to her.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

OnlyBent, im not sure but i believe if i could just see her again i could win her back.

So this is a competition between you and your friend?

Originally Posted by Ace_32

After BD she basically said she doesn't want to video call etc. because she still finds me very attractive and doesn't want to fall for me again.

100% WW BS and you ate it up hook line and sinker.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

Physical attraction was never an issue in our situation, that was the one part of our relationship that was always good and worked.

So what didn't work that she has cheated on you multiple times? It's either the dynamic of the relationship and/or she's a serial cheater.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

I think if we spent some time together again it will make a big difference. That could just be a fools hope though.

Fools hope. I think your neediness would shine right through.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

There were some bad times but i would rather be back in my marriage with its faults than be where i am now.

So you would rather be back in a marriage where you were cheated on multiple times in 6 years then learn to be alone, love and respect yourself and then have the world by the balls?

Look Ace I know I was rough on you but you really do not understand how you should consider yourself lucky this happened to you now and not years down the road when you had children. You STBXW was young when you met and maybe she can grow up someday in the distant future. If you haven't already pick up "How to be a 3% man" by Corey Wayne and read it 10-15 times until you understand the fundamentals. Also read "way of a Superior Man" by David Deida[/quote].

Originally Posted by LH19

Look Ace I know I was rough on you but you really do not understand how you should consider yourself lucky this happened to you now and not years down the road when you had children.

This x1000! And I am not trying to minimize what you are going through in any way, but you have the opportunity to focus 100% on what's best for you without the guilt and/or pressure of considering what's best for your kids. Take advantage of that. Be selfish as hell.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

Had a few drinks with my dad last night and ended up messaging her the old nonsense about loving her,etc which i havent done in months amd was a major setback but can keep trying to learn from my mistakes.

No good decisions are made after a few drinks. If you're gonna drink, lock your phone and put it away.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

There were some bad times but i would rather be back in my marriage with its faults than be where i am now.

I know exactly what you are saying and I am not completely out of that way of thinking myself and struggle daily. Just remember how things are now are not how they will be tomorrow. Nothing is permanent and the only constant is change. I know that sounds like new-age spiritual bullsh!t, but it is also true. You can be the driver of that change, which is what I am attempting, or you can keep getting knocked around by all the waves and try to just keep your head above water. I got tired of being knocked around.

Ace,

Let me tell you from advice, YOU CANNOT DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!! Sorry for the yelling but I needed it, still didnt listen, still tried to fix, spoil, love, blah blah blah, thought if I showed just how amazing I can be, how strong my NGS is, that she would just wake up one day and be like "oh, wow, I am such a selfish ass and I need to be with my husband that loves me etc, etc etc," Yeah, never gonna happen. Also if she dumps you but you feel like you need to win her back, she has 100% of the power, which is why she disrespects you. Trust me, I have severe NGS myself i'm working on.

You could win the super lotto tomorrow, take her to the Maldives or Bora Bora, buy her a ferrari, she might sleep with you, might even fake her happiness, but she wont ever respect you, and if there is no respect there will be no love, women are NOT attracted to men they have zero respect for.

So please realize that you cant do anything to fix this now buddy, just let her go, and see what happens. I finally got it after 6 months myself trying to "fix it."

Hi LH, thanks for your reponse. I know i am being really weak and i realised it was a setback, dont think i was as detached as i thought. Going no contact for so long made me feel like i was detaching but her showing me that she is still human made me go back to my old mindset of having hope and trying again to reach out to her which was stupid of me.

I honestly have no idea whats going on in her personal life or who she is seeing, i heard from one mutual friend that she was seeing my friend but thats all i know and dont know what to believe.

I did eat it up, even if i knew what she was saying was BS. Anytime she said anything that gave me hope i would latch on to it but i know i cant trust what she says.

She cheated once a few months before we got married, didnt again as far as i know until we were seperated. But that i guess should be more than enough times to make me realise. Once should have been enough to open my eyes, do think she is a serial cheater and its her default setting.

Obviously that wouldnt be the ideal thing for me but its fear of moving on. I hate change and the life i had was familiar to me and comfortable. I know there is no going back and that mindset is keeping me stuck. I am very stubborn and i do try to listen to everyones advice but struggle to put it into practice. I understand how frustrating i can be. Thanks for the advice, will try get my hand on these books.

Thanks for the responses guys. SD i do realise its a big blessing to not have had kids with her, that would have made this so much worse. I cant imagine how tough it must be when there are kids involved. Changing my mindset is the most difficult thing i have ever tried to do, i fixate on things as if thinking and worrying about everything will somehow make things better which it never will. All it does is burn me out and make me constantly anxious. Glad to hear you are making progress on that, im tired of getting knocked around as well.

Steve, i have kept up to date with your situation. I know my situation hasnt been as bad, but i can relate to you and your way of thinking of things. Its good that you reached that point now, i need to get there soon and hopefully i will.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

Hi LH, thanks for your reponse. I know i am being really weak and i realised it was a setback, dont think i was as detached as i thought. Going no contact for so long made me feel like i was detaching but her showing me that she is still human made me go back to my old mindset of having hope and trying again to reach out to her which was stupid of me.

I honestly have no idea whats going on in her personal life or who she is seeing, i heard from one mutual friend that she was seeing my friend but thats all i know and dont know what to believe.

I did eat it up, even if i knew what she was saying was BS. Anytime she said anything that gave me hope i would latch on to it but i know i cant trust what she says.

She cheated once a few months before we got married, didnt again as far as i know until we were seperated. But that i guess should be more than enough times to make me realise. Once should have been enough to open my eyes, do think she is a serial cheater and its her default setting.

Obviously that wouldnt be the ideal thing for me but its fear of moving on. I hate change and the life i had was familiar to me and comfortable. I know there is no going back and that mindset is keeping me stuck. I am very stubborn and i do try to listen to everyones advice but struggle to put it into practice. I understand how frustrating i can be. Thanks for the advice, will try get my hand on these books.

Ace it�s all good and understand it�s hard because I lived through it myself. I�m convinced these things happen for a reason to show us where we are not free. You will never be happy in a relationship if you are a prisoner in it. Start learning to adapt and be uncomfortable in certain situations.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

i fixate on things as if thinking and worrying about everything will somehow make things better which it never will. All it does is burn me out and make me constantly anxious. Glad to hear you are making progress on that, im tired of getting knocked around as well.

I know EXACTLY what you mean about the constant thinking, worrying, ruminating, etc. It is absolutely brutal and drains you to the point where you have nothing left for work, kids, or yourself. And I am by no means over it, not at all. But I've worked hard on realizing that all that worrying has changed nothing and helped nothing. All it did was ruin my life even more, make me sleepwalk through life, not be present with my kids, and mail it in at work. I really think most of the pain we go through is self-inflicted. Sure, they are the ones who put us in this position but we're the ones who allow ourselves to stay in them and keep torturing ourselves with thoughts of "what is she doing?" "who is she with?" "will she come back?" blah blah blah. None of those thoughts are helpful. None of them will do anything other than make you feel worse than you already do. I think once you get to the point you (and I) are at where there is nothing more to find out or snoop for because it can't get any worse, it is almost a twisted kind of freedom. For me, I leaned heavily into mindfulness/meditation and doing my best to be rooted in the present moment and not worrying about what might happen in the future or dwelling on the past. It isn't a magic bullet, I still hurt, but the hurt is less and doesn't last as long when it comes.

This is the DB forum type stuff we need, yes the 2x4's are good for growth but explaining how its not abnormal to stew, to grasp, to feel this way. That helped me a lot. Ace I am still not detatched. I know right now if my WW came over, stripped her clothes off and proposed to get remarried id accept it. However my small victory was in just not being so available to her plan changing, her cake eating. You are actually ahead of me, the only thing we got in common at this time really is that any little positive interaction we see as hope, like the door is cracked open to recon, and it isnt man. When someone wants to recon they walk through the door, they dont leave it cracked. Door is shut my friend. Took me 6 months to see that.

Just understand you have no control, no power, no plan, no trick that will fix this. Only thing that can is time and distance and maybe if you were a good H she can come around later and maybe yall can try to rebuild an M 2.0 but until she pursues you for it, your holding onto thin air. Believe me I was doing this up until very recently.

Originally Posted by Steve_

Only thing that can is time and distance and maybe if you were a good H she can come around later and maybe yall can try to rebuild an M 2.0 but until she pursues you for it, your holding onto thin air.

It might sound counter-intuitive, but once I really internalized that, it helped give me some sense of control. As if the tables had turned somehow and as long as she's cake eating I know things aren't going to get better and that allows me to move on.

Thanks for the responses guys. LH i know that most here can relate and have been through this pain, thats why i feel drawn to constantly come back and read other sitches. Dont know where there is a line of spending too much time here. Do believe that i didnt realise i wasnt free or how toxic everything was and i needed to be removed from the situation even if it wasnt my choice.

SaltyDog, agreed its one thing to realise that you are doing it and the damage its causing to your life and another thing to actually start fixing your thinking. It is a bit liberating to know that the worst is happening and getting the confirmation that you arent crazy. Still dont understand why my W gaslights me about it.

Saw a pic of her and OM on the beach recently on social media (yes i know i shouldnt snoop, still trying to stop that) and asked her ehy she wont just admit it to me. She basically said its none of my business what is going on in her life and she is not my property but anyway i guess she is right, except that she is still my wife but whatever. She said she only wants to talk about the divorce from now on, i got a bit angry and messaged saying that i know she isnt my property but we made a commitment to each other that was supposed to be for life. I also said that im grateful we never had kids because of how much more devastating this would have been. She then blocked me, i actually laughed when i saw that she had.

Steve, its good to admit you aren't detached. I also had to admit that to myself again recently. If she had a proper heartfelt conversation with me saying she wants to make this work i would probably also still fall for it. I read about your sitch where the planned the nice evening for your W and she kept changing the plans and it fell through. That must have been really tough getting your hopes up to just get disappointed again, i probably would have tried as well if it was me. Agree with you that the door is closed and i there is nothing i can do. If she truly wants to reconcile one day i will know because she will be clear about it and will have to decide where i stand if that ever happens.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

i got a bit angry and messaged saying that i know she isnt my property but we made a commitment to each other that was supposed to be for life. I also said that im grateful we never had kids because of how much more devastating this would have been. She then blocked me, i actually laughed when i saw that she had.

Hi Ace,

It's understandable to feel betrayed that she broke her vows to you last year by telling you she was done trying, could do anything she wanted, and then moved out with the intent to file for divorce. Being angry makes sense. Wanting to move on, or stand, makes sense. Sending your ex-wife angry messages, though, doesn't help your cause. It's a double whammy, a bad experience, and an indicator light you're still available as a backup plan. You don't want her to feel she needs to block you to be safe from snooping and angry words, because you are snooping and sending angry words. You probably know all this already, lol, and know many here have done the same or worse. Chin up. This stuff is hard as heck to deal with.

Thing is when she moved out that isnt what she said her intent was, before she left we had a great weekend together and spoke about how we would try date basically and see how things go. Agreed that she broke her vows a long time ago, she told me a few months before she left that she was done trying so maybe i had a few mini BD's i didnt pick up on. After she left she started changing and getting more and more cold and mean towards me as time went by. I didnt trust what she was saying about wanting to date on that wknd and asked her if she is sure thats what she wants, and she said it was. She also said its unfair how amazing i was with her those last few days because thats all she ever wanted. I know now that it was all lies or she wanted a last memory or for it to be easier to leave with a backup plan while she sees how things went in her new life, i honestly dont know.

The anger side has been quite rare for me in my sitch to be honest, the fact that she wont just admit it really makes me angry tho. What motive does she have to not admit it, it makes no sense to me. She just says that he is her best friend now and i can think what i want. I wouldnt say my messages were very mean but i get what you are saying. My opinion is that she blocked me because she doesnt like what i am saying, i dont bomb her with messages all the time. I just wanted her to admit it, i havent asked her about OM in 2 months but i guess thats because there were no more signs until now.

Haha yeah i know, its difficult not to act on emotion when things happen. Thanks for the encouragement

So Ace it�s good to come to the forum and read the board and the advice of the people who have been through it. What�s bad is when you don�t follow the advice. What I�m seeing right now is 3 or 4 left behind husbands making tons of mistakes and then coming to the board and seeing everyone else making mistakes so it comforts them. They think yeah I�m screwing up but so is �so and so�.

Quite frankly in 6 years here I don�t think I�ve seen so many bad dbers. Just sticking to Sandis rules seems impossible for the current dbers. This also explains why we haven�t had a success story in a really long time.

I know that it�s hard because I�ve been through it but I feel most LBS aren�t even trying to follow advice.

You are absolutely right, i dont follow the advice properly especially when my emotions get involved and i know i am constantly messing things up worse. I understand you get clarity down the line, but i haven't experienced anything like this in my life before and i am completely lost and i struggle to let things go and move on. I know everyone is and they do a better job than i have, will try be better going forward.

Ace, we all get urges. The trick is to pause, write it down, and reflect on it before acting. The goal isn't to act in-line with what LH19 says or CW says, of course. It's to act in-line with your goals and values. Very few interactions or decisions must be made on-the-spot. You can almost always say, "I need time to consider it." This improves the quality of decisions. They still won't be perfect. We can only do our best.

E.g., a newly single acquaintance on my Facebook feed posted photos of her new hairdo yesterday. She asked me out years ago. Immediate urge--ask her out on a date. She's entering the "I want to look good" phase which usually means she's ready or close to ready to date and I'd probably be the first to ask her out. Reflection--no, I'm not dating now, and she doesn't match all the values I'm seeking anyway. When I date, it's okay if it takes awhile. My life is good solo and I only accept great matches.

Ace, read the story of the frog and the scorpion. I won�t retell it but the scorpion does what it does because it is what it is. Don�t keep putting yourself in the position to be bitten. I learnt the hard way. My STBXW does not want me in her life and doesn�t care about me. She is incapable of honesty. That�s just who she is now. Gotta accept reality my friend.

Thanks guys. CW i get what you are saying about pausing and thinking, im not great at controlling my emotions in the moment. When something triggers me i tend to lose my senses a bit and I'll do something even if i know at the time it isnt the right thing, working on it.

OB, i read the story and it is something i have heard before and i get it. Fair enough, i feel like im in exactly the same position as you. Cant trust them as the people we used to know (or think we knew, i definitely believe my W lied and hid alot of herself in the beginning of the relationship) and i didnt let myself believe the bad that came later was really her. The thing is alot of stories i heard of how she was before she met me started making sense later on.

Quick update my side, pretty much come to the realisation how small my odds of fixing this were (even before all the mistakes i have made in the last 6 months). Obviously the mistakes haven't helped the situation but thats the past now and need to forgive myself and move forward, just like the mistakes in the M. Found out my dad has a surf board in his storage room, so going to give that a go again on saturday. Also going to borrow a guitar and start playing again for the 1st time in about 10 years. Been going to Youth Connect at my new church every week for 3 weeks now. Slacking a bit on the gym and reading, fell into a bit of a bad place for the last 2 weeks but started pulling myself out of it again yesterday. One step at a time.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

Thanks guys. CW i get what you are saying about pausing and thinking, im not great at controlling my emotions in the moment. When something triggers me i tend to lose my senses a bit and I'll do something even if i know at the time it isn't the right thing, working on it.

I was a bit like this Ace, but I have improved dramatically, you can do it.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

Obviously the mistakes haven't helped the situation but that's the past now and need to forgive myself and move forward, just like the mistakes in the M.

Exactly Ace, you can't change the past, but you can be better going forward. Fall off the horse, all you can do is get back on.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

Found out my dad has a surf board in his storage room, so going to give that a go again on Saturday. Also going to borrow a guitar and start playing again for the 1st time in about 10 years. Been going to Youth Connect at my new church every week for 3 weeks now. Slacking a bit on the gym and reading, fell into a bit of a bad place for the last 2 weeks but started pulling myself out of it again yesterday. One step at a time.

Surfing sounds great, good luck with it. Being SA, stay away from the sharks! Its OK to fall into a bad place Ace, just don't do anything that will make you feel worse. Feel the negative emotion, work through it. Its OK, we've all been there, its a part of this. IF you can get through those bad periods without doing anything you'll regret or will make you feel worse than I reckon that's a win.

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After she left she started changing and getting more and more cold and mean towards me as time went by.

That usually happens when the WW has a private agenda.

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I didnt trust what she was saying about wanting to date on that wknd and asked her if she is sure thats what she wants, and she said it was.

I think she meant dating other guys, but use what I say as a teachable moment. Do not date your WW if she is dating anyone else. You are not competing with other guys to date her. The only way you should consider ever dating her, is if she shows the right kind of improvement and wants to date each other as way of working toward reconciliation. Don't ever date her just to see how it goes.

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She also said its unfair how amazing i was with her those last few days because thats all she ever wanted. I know now that it was all lies or she wanted a last memory or for it to be easier to leave with a backup plan while she sees how things went in her new life, i honestly dont know.

Look at her statement again, Ace. She's not complementing you. She's talking about herself. She's talking about how unfair it is for her, that you decided to wait until now to change. Guess what? Her words come straight from the WW playbook. WW's are eat up with self-centeredness. "It's not fair!" Priceless, don't you think? In the meantime, she's going out there and date OM to see how it goes. If it doesn't go like she wants, then she'll come back to you.

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The anger side has been quite rare for me in my sitch to be honest, the fact that she wont just admit it really makes me angry tho. What motive does she have to not admit it, it makes no sense to me.

Since when does the WW make sense to the logical male brain?

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My opinion is that she blocked me because she doesnt like what i am saying, i dont bomb her with messages all the time. I just wanted her to admit it, i havent asked her about OM in 2 months but i guess thats because there were no more signs until now.

Stop bombing her with messages at any time! Can you not see how that is pursuit? You are pressuring her to admit something. Why lower yourself to that level? Her admission would change nothing.

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Thanks guys. CW i get what you are saying about pausing and thinking, im not great at controlling my emotions in the moment. When something triggers me i tend to lose my senses a bit and I'll do something even if i know at the time it isnt the right thing, working on it.

Okay, you are working on it. How? What technique do you use to control your emotions in the moment? If you tend to lose your senses a bit when triggered, then you need some method to apply.

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Cant trust them as the people we used to know (or think we knew, i definitely believe my W lied and hid alot of herself in the beginning of the relationship) and i didnt let myself believe the bad that came later was really her. The thing is alot of stories i heard of how she was before she met me started making sense later on.

I can't imagine the shock it must be to have such a thing revealed about your spouse. Look, I've personally been acquainted with a few women who completely snowed the guy before marriage. Some women are terrific actors!

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Found out my dad has a surf board in his storage room, so going to give that a go again on saturday. Also going to borrow a guitar and start playing again for the 1st time in about 10 years. Been going to Youth Connect at my new church every week for 3 weeks now. Slacking a bit on the gym and reading, fell into a bit of a bad place for the last 2 weeks but started pulling myself out of it again yesterday. One step at a time.

Well, you go!

Hey Sandi, thanks for stopping by its good to hear from you again. I hope you are well.

She probably did have an agenda but i had no idea what. I dont think anything started before BD but i might be wrong. Dont think she meant dating other guys, we both said we dont want to see anyone else and we would stay together and try long distance but as dating. It was stupid of me to agree, was trying to cling to any hope i could get at that stage but i realise now it was all lies. A few months after i asked her what happened to us dating like we agreed and she said she basically changed her mind because she was too hurt.

It makes sense, i can see now that now that she was just thinking about herself. She basically said a few times around the time she left how she just wants to be selfish and think about herself, started a few months before actually. She became very selfish near the end and didnt want to try work on anything, basically said its my turn and i was fighting a losing battle.

I can see that it is pursuit and you are right that it wont really change anything if she admitted it. If she did tell me the truth it would be one less lie i guess. Im just so sick of being gaslighted by this woman, she always made me think i was crazy for how i felt or what i suspected.

I have started listening to christian meditation podcasts as well and trying to pray when i get triggered to try calm myself down. CWarrior had some good advice in his post to me a few days ago about pausing, writing it down and reflecting before acting. I will start trying to do that when i get triggered again.

It was quite a shock, she also lied to me about how many sexual partners she had before me when she admitted to cheating years ago before we were married. My whole perspective started changing and thats when i became jealous and more controlling because i felt like i didnt know who she was or how much else she has lied about.

I blocked her on social media and messenger services now as well, it helps prevent me from snooping and i also dont want to hear anything from her again once she decides to unblock me. She can contact me via email if there is anything urgent.

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I blocked her on social media and messenger services now as well, it helps prevent me from snooping and i also dont want to hear anything from her again once she decides to unblock me.

Good! Don't be surprised if she contacts you about it, saying it's childish, or the two of you are better than that.....whatever. You have to do what's best for you now.

She blocked me first but i get it that it can be seen as childish,that isnt my intention though i am just trying to protect myself from getting triggered. Dont think i mentioned this but she deactivated her facebook account for a few months at a time since BD and then she started a whole new profile and deleted the old one, dont know if its because she didnt want to see memories or reminders of our lives together or its just to move on and erase the past. She also started a new profile about a year before i met her, her first profile wasnt deleted. I see now how this is a major red flag

Originally Posted by Ace_32

She probably did have an agenda but i had no idea what. I don't think anything started before BD but i might be wrong.

I would bet my savings you were wrong.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

Don't think she meant dating other guys, we both said we don't want to see anyone else and we would stay together and try long distance but as dating.

If I had a nickel for every time I read this statement on here I would be retired. People separate to sleep with other people. Plain and simple.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

It was stupid of me to agree, was trying to cling to any hope i could get at that stage but i realise now it was all lies.

Yep.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

A few months after i asked her what happened to us dating like we agreed and she said she basically changed her mind because she was too hurt.

Standard WW BS.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

It makes sense, i can see now that now that she was just thinking about herself.

Your W is really young to be this selfish. She is not a very good person.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

She basically said a few times around the time she left how she just wants to be selfish and think about herself, started a few months before actually.

See my comments above.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

She became very selfish near the end and didn't want to try work on anything, basically said its my turn and i was fighting a losing battle.

For once she was being honest with you.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

I can see that it is pursuit and you are right that it wont really change anything if she admitted it. If she did tell me the truth it would be one less lie i guess. I'm just so sick of being gaslighted by this woman, she always made me think i was crazy for how i felt or what i suspected.

So now you know. What has this changed in your mind? You still love and want to work it out? Do you think she is capable of change? What would be different?

Originally Posted by Ace_32

It was quite a shock, she also lied to me about how many sexual partners she had before me when she admitted to cheating years ago before we were married.

So Ace this is where your beliefs and values come into play. Do you want to be with a trampy liar?

Originally Posted by Ace_32

My whole perspective started changing and that's when i became jealous and more controlling because i felt like i didn't know who she was or how much else she has lied about.

Ok so she lies and you become more jealous and controlling. Do you see the flaw here?

99.9% of the suffering on this board is because the LBS is in love with the fantasy of the person they want their WS to be and are not capable of being right now.

Ace, sandi and LH nailed it.

Remember rule NUMERO UNO when dealing with a WW: BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS!!!

Originally Posted by LH19

99.9% of the suffering on this board is because the LBS is in love with the fantasy of the person they want their WS to be and are not capable of being right now.

LH is wise Ace

Hi LH, thanks for your detailed response. In response to your questions i honestly dont know what i want anymore, i dont want someone who has hurt me so much and that i dont know if i will ever be able to trust her again. I am confused because i do still love her and care for her but dont want to be with someone who is so selfish and doesnt have the same values or morals as i do. I believe anyone is capable of change if they really want to and work on it, she is unlikely to change anytime soon though. Like all you guys here say it will probably be years before she comes to the point of realising what she has done, or she possibly never will.

Yes i do see the flaw in my thinking but that was a natural reaction for me at the time to regain some sense of control when my whole perspective on the person i loved was shaken to its core. I do see that it was counterproductive, you cant control a person and after all that happened i tried to control her to protect myself from being cheated on again i think but that obviously didnt work out. Its self preservation i guess but you cant constantly feel like you need to worry about someone cheating on you, it is so stressful and draining. A relationship without trust can never work.

The fantasy i can relate to, LBS tend to remember the good times and WW the bad times only it seems. I build an image of all the good things and make the WW into this amazing person in my mind and forget the flaws and think about it as a loss instead of looking at the positives of this person being removed from my life to make space for better things. The mind is a crazy thing.

Sorry OnlyBent, seems i forgot to respond to your message the other day. Thanks for the encouragement, it doesn't matter how many times i get knocked down, as long as i keep getting back up again and at least try to learn a small lesson everytime.

Yeah im definitely scared of sharks haha, not much i can do if one decides i look like a tasty lunch but wont let that stop me. You guys in Aus have alot more than sharks to worry about when you go swimming i n the ocean from what I've read? I agree that you cant suppress the emotions and they need to be worked through eventually. Small things like songs that remind me of her are starting to bother me a little less everytime so i see that as progress, no matter how small its something.

Hi Ace,

I have not been following your thread, but it caught my eye today. Would you mind sharing what behaviors you have changes since you found this site? What are your goals and how are you actively moving toward them?

Not really looking for the answers, but more of a thought exercise for you.

regards,

R2C

Hi R2C, thanks for stopping by.

If im being honest i haven't done enough. The site made me feel like im not alone and helped me a bit, but im a very stubborn person and i tend to learn through my own experiences only instead of people advising me. Dont get me wrong, i try to listen to advise of family and friends and everyone on this board, but i think i let my emotions take over sometimes. Its just incomprehensible for me to think of WW the way i should but i am getting there slowly.

The board helped me to go no contact for a month and a half but i crashed a bit when WW called me crying and telling me she misses me, etc. I thought i was detached but i wasnt.

My goals are a bit unclear at the moment, i am not exactly where i want to be in my career right now but im just trying to survive and get my confidence back. I dont know where i belong anymore, im in a small coastal toen now where my dad stays but i qualified as a chartered accountant last year and the world is literally there for the taking but i am scared. I want to gym more and start some hobbies again (like playing guitar, surfing, and maybe joining a soccer league) and just figure out where i want to be.

Ace, these last few posts where you speak about yourself is telling you need time & space just for the purpose of finding who you are and who you want to be. Good for you in speaking honestly about these personal issues.

((hugs))

Originally Posted by Ace_32

Small things like songs that remind me of her are starting to bother me a little less everytime so i see that as progress, no matter how small its something.

Ace, I think any progress, however small, is positive. How does one move a mountain? One rock at a time.

I find with the memories, I will be reminded of something, a song or holiday, I will get sad, but then it�s like the sadness associated with that particular memory has been purged. Unfortunately there is a lot of purging to be done, it�s a long process. I�m finding after I�ve purged that sadness I�m more able to recall those memories with a fondness that they happened, rather than a sadness that it�s gone. Does that make sense?

Originally Posted by Ace_32

Hi R2C, thanks for stopping by.

If im being honest i haven't done enough. The site made me feel like im not alone and helped me a bit, but im a very stubborn person and i tend to learn through my own experiences only instead of people advising me. Dont get me wrong, i try to listen to advise of family and friends and everyone on this board, but i think i let my emotions take over sometimes. Its just incomprehensible for me to think of WW the way i should but i am getting there slowly.

The board helped me to go no contact for a month and a half but i crashed a bit when WW called me crying and telling me she misses me, etc. I thought i was detached but i wasnt.

My goals are a bit unclear at the moment, i am not exactly where i want to be in my career right now but im just trying to survive and get my confidence back. I dont know where i belong anymore, im in a small coastal toen now where my dad stays but i qualified as a chartered accountant last year and the world is literally there for the taking but i am scared. I want to gym more and start some hobbies again (like playing guitar, surfing, and maybe joining a soccer league) and just figure out where i want to be.

Ace, I just saw that you were 26 and she was 18 when you met. You got married at 29 and she was 21. How much do you think her immaturity played a role on where you guys ended up?

Thanks for the responses Sandi, OnlyBent and Steve.

Sandi, yes i definitely im trying to find myself and figure out who i want to be and where to go next. The good news is that once you hit almost rock bottom, the only way to go is up. I never really dealt with my issues for most of my life, was always busy studing and working or numbing my mind, so the last few months have been tough to say the least. Had to face myself sooner or later though in order to grow and become a better person so im grateful to have the time now.

OnlyBent, i agree any progress is a success in my opinion no matter how small. A few months ago the memories used to break me, but when everything reminds you of the person eventually you start getting desensitized to it, there are still moments when it affects me more than i like but less often than it used to. I get what you are saying, think im getting to the same point. I still get angry sometimes when i think back to the better times because of what has happened but i also cherish the memories i have with her.

SteveLW, i recall you asking me about this early on in my first thread. I definitely think it played a role, i was working and had done a substantial amount of studies and she was still finishing school and she couldn't drive (she still hasn't got her license and blames me even though i took her driving alot to practice a few years ago). I think the main issue though was that she was still a kid and her personality and what she wanted constantly seemed to change and i struggled to adapt and know what was going on, add to that her lying to me in the beginning and cheating before the marriage and it wasn't sustainable. I didnt feel like i could trust her or what was coming next or what i was going to get told i wasnt doing well enough, it became a very stressful environment and we struggled to even have a normal conversation without arguing. I also tended to want to control the finances and decisions etc. but eventually she just started rebelling against everything. I also built up alot of resentment.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

SteveLW, i recall you asking me about this early on in my first thread. I definitely think it played a role, i was working and had done a substantial amount of studies and she was still finishing school and she couldn't drive (she still hasn't got her license and blames me even though i took her driving alot to practice a few years ago). I think the main issue though was that she was still a kid and her personality and what she wanted constantly seemed to change and i struggled to adapt and know what was going on, add to that her lying to me in the beginning and cheating before the marriage and it wasn't sustainable. I didnt feel like i could trust her or what was coming next or what i was going to get told i wasnt doing well enough, it became a very stressful environment and we struggled to even have a normal conversation without arguing. I also tended to want to control the finances and decisions etc. but eventually she just started rebelling against everything. I also built up alot of resentment.

Thanks Ace, I do think we covered this before but thanks for indulging me again. I dated a 19 year old right before I met my wife. I was 27, she was 19. And we were just at different places in our lives. And it quickly started to devolve into a father-daughter relationship. She was driving an old beatup clunker. I was already earning good money living on my own. I was going to lease her a new car! (I thought I was in love.) I mean it was really crazy stuff that I look back on and realize, even though she was extremely attractive physically, my life would have been a roller-coaster if I had married her. She was still in party girl mode at that point, I was way past party mode by then (and recovering alcoholic to boot so I certainly did not need that in my life). Our society for PC reasons tends to downplay age differences, but I really do think that if you were to move on and end up with someone closer to your own age you would realize the night and day difference in the dynamic.

Of course my wife ended up being very attractive too, but I learned a valuable lesson in that failed R with the 19 year-old. Physical attraction should be one component of what brings us together. Western society tends to place an awful lot of emphasis on vanity and shallow things like looks.

All good man. I remember you mentioning that, and yeah my situation also had a bit of that dynamic to it as i would try control the finances and everything for the first few years. You say that you thought you were in love, was it just infatuation and you realised this later on? I wasn't as in love with her the first few years as she was with me but over time i did fall in love with her. At least you got of the roller-coaster, i wasnt smart enough or aware enough to do that haha.

My W wasnt in the party girl mode when we met and it seemed like she wanted what i wanted and to settle down and build a life together, but over time she started wanting to party more and it wasnt really what i wanted. I tried to compromise but it was never enough. She is also a very attractive girl, but it drove me crazy how she would take 3 hours to get ready and take like 100 selfies everytime we went out somewhere. I think she was a bit insecure and craved attention and validation. It must be tough to stop drinking and socialise, i guess the people we should want to meet you wouldn't find at bars or out drinking. I met W at a bar.

I think age isnt a major deal when you are a bit older, say i met her when i was 34 and she was 26 i dont think it would have been as much of a problem. I agree that looks shouldnt matter that much, but i would definitely need to find someone attractive to want to pursue them.

Im kind of coming out of the fog a bit lately i think, kind of just accepting the situation and wondering if i even actually want to see her ever again. I do forgive her and i understand that she is just a damaged and lost person at the moment but i dont know if i want to be associated with someone who can do this to someone they committed to spending their life with. Emotions change often but thats how im feeling at the moment.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

All good man. I remember you mentioning that, and yeah my situation also had a bit of that dynamic to it as i would try control the finances and everything for the first few years. You say that you thought you were in love, was it just infatuation and you realised this later on? I wasn't as in love with her the first few years as she was with me but over time i did fall in love with her. At least you got of the roller-coaster, i wasnt smart enough or aware enough to do that haha.

She actually ended it. I was pretty hurt. I got the "I am going to be really busy with school and stuff so I don't know how much time I'll have to spend with you." garbage from her. I moped (lucky didn't return to the bottle as I was only a few years sober at that point) for a week, then put on my big boy pants and moved forward, and met my W about that time. The 19 year-old (she had since turned 20) tried to come back after I was in a serious R with my W, but I completely ignored her.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

My W wasnt in the party girl mode when we met and it seemed like she wanted what i wanted and to settle down and build a life together, but over time she started wanting to party more and it wasnt really what i wanted. I tried to compromise but it was never enough. She is also a very attractive girl, but it drove me crazy how she would take 3 hours to get ready and take like 100 selfies everytime we went out somewhere. I think she was a bit insecure and craved attention and validation. It must be tough to stop drinking and socialise, i guess the people we should want to meet you wouldn't find at bars or out drinking. I met W at a bar.

Yeah, I think that is part and parcel of the social media generation. The duck face drives me nuts! LOL

Originally Posted by Ace_32

I think age isnt a major deal when you are a bit older, say i met her when i was 34 and she was 26 i dont think it would have been as much of a problem. I agree that looks shouldnt matter that much, but i would definitely need to find someone attractive to want to pursue them.

I agree that as both mature age gaps become less of an issue. Though I have seen big age gaps (10 years or more) become problematic in relationships past middle-age. So obviously it depends on the individuals and the time in their lives. But I find that most people today dismiss age gaps even when they are problematic.

As far as attractiveness, yes there needs to be an attraction there. But one thing I've learned after all these years and lots of dating and being pushed away, and pushing away is this: Instead of trying to find someone you are crazy about, you should be looking for someone that is crazy for you. I know someone in my life that married a woman that most people would say was less attractive (it is all subjective after all). But let me tell you, that woman is crazy about her H and they have an amazing marriage that is about to hit 30 years. I did it wrong! LOL

Originally Posted by Ace_32

Im kind of coming out of the fog a bit lately i think, kind of just accepting the situation and wondering if i even actually want to see her ever again. I do forgive her and i understand that she is just a damaged and lost person at the moment but i dont know if i want to be associated with someone who can do this to someone they committed to spending their life with. Emotions change often but thats how im feeling at the moment.

Ace, I think this is good. The LBS fog is to try to remember the person we knew. We idealize them and do not see them for who they are currently being. I think that as you recognize that she is not the girl you married, and that the girl you married may never return, then you start to get to a place where you can move forward. But this isn't linear. You might go a while realizing this and then one day wake up struggling again because the idea of getting back the girl you married will be front and center. When that happens you have to remind yourself that she is gone and may never return.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

i think I let my emotions take over sometimes.

Learning to completely control my RESPONSE to my emotions is part of the growth I went through as well as making rational decisions based on logic. For example, I used logic to behave differently. Trying things people recommended here vs doing what I felt like doing. Breaking out of my old behavior and behaving the way I KNEW I should.

Quote

I crashed a bit when WW called me crying and telling me she misses me, etc.

Did you practice validation? This is a perfect example of a positive change that may not be natural. Us men are usually fixers vs listeners. Even in this situation, You have many choices on how to behave/respond/interact. When you are detached, it is easier to say things that may get a positive response from her. It is even easier when you have multiple women pursuing you.

"I can understand (or see) why you miss me. Too bad it didn't work out." (Confident validating her feelings but not pursuing)
"How about you come over and show me how much you miss me" (Insinuating some sexual act)

There are 100's of ways to respond. Which ones are the most effective for a certain sitch? Who knows. How do you test them? The best I found was to see what was working for others and try those.

Quote

I never really dealt with my issues for most of my life,...Had to face myself sooner or later though in order to grow and become a better person so im grateful to have the time now.

We all have issues. I committed to personal growth. There is always room for improvement.

Hey SteveLW and R2C thanks for your responses.

Steve that excuse is shocking as you say it is just an easy excuse for her to get out, you can make time for people if you care about them. Good on you for not going back to the bottle to cope and for ignoring her when she tried. Haha yes, it used to drive me crazy all the selfies she wanted to take. Think it has to do with the younger generations growing up with the social media and there self image is so tied up in it. I guess i can see how age gap can be an issue at any stage of life, there will always be slightly different perspectives on things and the time we grew up in and life experiences will be different.

Do understand also what you are saying, when i was younger there were a few girls that were crazy about me and i wasnt attracted to them so i didnt pursue them (i would actually hook up with their friends which was seriously uncool of me). I do wonder sometimes how things could have been if i wasn't so shallow and took a chance with one of them but thats irrelevant now.

The fog is definitely strong the 1st few months after BD and i only focused on the good for a long time, as more time passes i start remembering more of the bad and especially who she is now isnt the person i knew and married. She changed alot ver the last few years, so it wasnt like it was a sudden change but i was probably just being ignorant.

R2C i tend to be quite logical and rational most of the time but learning to control emotional responses isnt something i practised much so it is quite new to me. I agree that i know when i react on emotions that im not making the right choices or behaving the way i should, learning as i go.

I was quite detached from my emotions during the call and i did validate her but also made some mistakes that i realised later on. I couldnt understand why she was sad when this was her choice, i did listen and try validate a lot more than i would have in the past.

Been over a month again now with NC, just carrying on with my life. Starting to want to focus on my career now, so looking for the next step to take in that regard. Set up a punching bag on the weekend and i have been doing more weights so going alright on the exercise side of things. Not much else is different, focusing on church and spirituality and also reading more the last few weeks. Taking it a day at a time.

Ace, you seem to be progressing nicely on your outlook of things. Just a quick question for you, how much longer do you intend to wait? Have you considered that? I know we come to this forum looking for a way to save our MR, but unfortunately, not all of them can be saved. Since you have no kids, a D process would be relatively clean and easy.

Your sitch is relatively young (not even a year yet), but something you might want to start considering. I know when I set my drop dead date in my sitch it was freeing!

Thanks Steve, kind of realised that i have no choice but to try move on. Im not standing really anymore, im waiting for her to file, she aready paid to have the papers drawn up a while back, that was the whole situation with the call i had with her about 2 months ago. Waiting for her to file..

It isn't great but i know thwt she is done, there is nothing i can do anymore but let it play out the way its meant to.

Ace, some WASs wait years to finalize a divorce. How long are you willing to give her?

I honestly hadn't thought of the possibilty of it dragging out, i just figured she would file when she gets a chance. Think she would need to take leave from work to go to court and file.

I should probably set myself a deadline that if she hasnt filed then i will do it. Maybe the 1 year mark of BD

Originally Posted by Ace_32

I honestly hadn't thought of the possibilty of it dragging out, i just figured she would file when she gets a chance. Think she would need to take leave from work to go to court and file.

I should probably set myself a deadline that if she hasnt filed then i will do it. Maybe the 1 year mark of BD

Ace, WASs are notoriously lazy about actual action related to separation and D. They will talk about it. They will discuss it. They will push for it. All in the hope you will just take care of it. I think it is exasperated in your sitch since you (if I am remembering right) admitted that you took care of most things in the marriage up to now. My W was the same way. "I want a D. We can file online for $400. I am going to go get a job. You keep the house, D will live with you. I'll come over a few nights a week for family dinners. And have you guys to my apartment for dinner."

All talk. No action. The one time she actually took action (started working on her resume) she got very emotional, started second guessing her decision to get a job, get an apartment and get a D. And then she never did finish her resume.

This is why most of the time, it ends up being the LBS that grows weary of waiting around and finally files. Some do so from strength, having done the work on themselves: GAL, IC, 180s and detachment. Others do so weakly, sadly, and regretfully. Almost as a final resort. Your goal is to work on being able to do it from strength! Because you know based on all of the work you've done on yourself that this is your best course of action for yourself. To move forward with your life and to go live your best life possible.

If you look at the posters here that struggle the most, they move the D forward because they've convinced themselves that no matter how long they wait the WAS is never coming back. Instead of deciding that waiting forever is not what winners do and wanting to move forward for themselves! See the difference? (I should also note, the moving the D forward out of weakness is usually coupled with a lot of shortcut behaviors: dating while still hung up on STBX, drinking, depression meds (nothing wrong with them if they are temporary), etc.

Ace, stay strong!

Fair enough Steve, I kind of just accepted that she would file soon but i have realised for a while that she is dragging her feet. I dont think that its because she is second guessing, just that she is delaying admin that she isnt willing to do at the moment.

I still cant believe the person i loved coud do this to me, but my disbelief doesn't change whats happened. I am weary but i still pray for her and our marriage, i believe that God can perform miracles but i also realise that everything is part of his plan and if we aren't meant to be then it is what is. I realise that that type of thinking can be thought of as a cop out and a way of thinking that removes blame but that isnt the way i look at it. A lot of people wont understand but thats how i feel. Either she is in the plan for my life or she isnt but i will keep praying for a loyal, god loving, beautiful woman whether it is her or not.

Im not willing to date until my divorce is finalized, i have been tempted and i downloaded Tinder for a few days but deleted it because i know im not ready and i definitely dont want hook ups anymore. I want to meet someone i can spend the rest of my life with

Hey Ace, it sounds like things are getting better bit by bit. I know it�s hard but I think you�re doing pretty well.

Maybe try to reframe it from �you can�t believe she could do it to you� to �she did this for herself�. She�s selfish and it�s not about you at all.

I think whatever happens, if you keep doing the right things, there will be happiness in your future. It will just take time. But you seem to be pretty patient. Stay strong my friend.

Hey OnlyBent, thanks for stopping by. Mostly i have been feeling a bit better but also have days when it hits me, its all part of the process though and i understand that.

It is true that our internal narrative and the way we think or talk about things creates our reality, i have been aware of that amd trying to change the way i think about things but changing thought patterns is extremely difficult. She was and is being selfish and maybe it has less to do with me than i realise but that doesnt really make me feel better at this stage.

I know things will work out for the best, its just so hard to see the light during the storm. I just want to be on the other side of this now but i dont want to wish away any parts of my life no matter how difficult this is its something i need to learn and grow from and thats a good thing. Thanks for the encouragement, patience has always been one of me weaker points but im slowly trying to change that. Hope things are going alright your side

Mate, we are very similar and we are going through similar things. I think that I might be slightly ahead of you, albeit with a long way to go still. Things do get better, especially when you put in the work. When shiz started popping off for me about 10-11 months ago I honestly wondered how I would deal with the pain, now I'm at the point where I know and believe that one day I will be truly loving life again.

Been a long time since i posted, still read whats going on but havent really felt like saying anything for a while. Signed and sent some papers to WW a few days ago that she needs to file for divorce, didnt fight it or talk about it all with her. i just took a week or 2 to send it, not sure why i guess i was delaying a bit. I have no control over the situation, either she has a massive change of heart and God performs a miracle or i will be divorced soon.cit is what it is.

So i just carry on with my life, messaged her to tell her that i sent it and mentioned some admin stuff (that i removed her from a phone contract that was on my name that we discussed previously). Also just told her that everything is going to be ok and i know she is a good person, maybe a stupid thing to say but i still care about her and wanted to reassure her a bit and i think(have no idea actually) that she is going through a hard time as well. She responded with a similar sentiment and havent spoken to her since.

Spiralled a bit for a while but im eating healthier and exercising more the last few days. Also had my family visit me a few weeks ago which was nice but also put a few doubts in my head about where i should go next in my life, been feeling like i need to go on my own and focus on my career but its a big decision about where i move. Taking things a day at a time and just trusting that things will work out.

Hi Ace,

Sounds like you're doing well given the circumstances. A 2-week delay, but you send her the paperwork without much discussion. You send her a message, but it was brief and only one message. You spiraled but recovered and are eating healthier and exercising more. Chin up, love where you plan to focus.

Ace, hang in there. Remember, onward and upward. That light at the end of the tunnel is there, just keep progressing towards it.

Another update Ace? How you doing my man?

Hey OnlyBent, thanks for checking in man. Hope you are doing well, been a bit bad with keeping up to date with your sitch.

Things are alright, feel like im slowly starting to let her go more and more each day. Had a few down days but feeling like im turning a corner and getting excited about the future and full of life again. Thinking of applying for a postion in Amsterdam, i have a few friends there and think it will do wonders for my independence and building my confidence back up.

Finally feel like im on my way to detachment and acceptance which is a massive step for me. Still hold out some hope but it doesnt dominate my thought as badly anymore.

Keep on working Ace! You got this.

Thanks for the encouragement Steve, appreciate it man. Worst experience of my life but also the biggest learning experience and it pushed me to become a better person and go deeper into my faith. There is a reason for everything

Keep playing the patient game Ace, sounds like you seeing some light at the end of the tunnel, which is great. It will no doubt continue to be difficult at times but hopefully you're seeing what can be in your futrue.

I love Amsterdam, sounds like a good opportunity.

Thanks OB, considering my options at the moment. One good thing about where i am in my life at the moment is i have the opportunity to do whatever i want and i am not tied down.

Feeling a bit down today about my marriage, i wish i could just have an honest conversation with WW and tell her how i feel and just get through to her. I know nothing i could say to her even if i tried would make any difference, i think she is still in the fog of the situation and has shown no remorse. Haven't had a conversation with her in over 2 months and before that it was 3 months. So crazy how she seems to not care at all.

It just really [censored] just feeling so powerless to fix something i so badly want to fix.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

Feeling a bit down today about my marriage, i wish i could just have an honest conversation with WW and tell her how i feel and just get through to her.

So how do you feel and why do you think telling her that would get through to her?

Originally Posted by Ace_32

I know nothing i could say to her even if i tried would make any difference, i think she is still in the fog of the situation and has shown no remorse.

Ace it will be likely years if ever before she shows any remorse.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

Haven't had a conversation with her in over 2 months and before that it was 3 months. So crazy how she seems to not care at all.

Waste of time to mindread but her actions do dictate her feelings.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

It just really [censored] just feeling so powerless to fix something i so badly want to fix.

So Ace she has cheated on you multiple times and with a good friend. What are you trying to fix?

Originally Posted by Ace_32

Thanks OB, considering my options at the moment. One good thing about where i am in my life at the moment is i have the opportunity to do whatever i want and i am not tied down.

Feeling a bit down today about my marriage, i wish i could just have an honest conversation with WW and tell her how i feel and just get through to her. I know nothing i could say to her even if i tried would make any difference, i think she is still in the fog of the situation and has shown no remorse. Haven't had a conversation with her in over 2 months and before that it was 3 months. So crazy how she seems to not care at all.

It just really [censored] just feeling so powerless to fix something i so badly want to fix.

I feel you man. It is tough. I know from past experience you miss her and want to talk, but then after you do you actually feel worse and wish you hadn't. I often said in my own life that if I could bottle that feeling of dejection and disappointment following the interaction, then I could remember how it feels BEFORE I would initiate contact.

Good to see you have the foresight to know there is nothing you could do or say to fix it. It is a terrible feeling, but that is why acceptance is such an important step for LBSs.

Thanks LH, probably needed someone to snap me out of my pity party. I just want to have an open and honest conversation like we used to be able to do but the time for that has passed. Getting frustrated with the situation and not having any control.

Fair enough, it probably will take a lot longer than i hoped and yes her actions have made it pretty clear.

True, i know she has screwed me around more than once and i should just be grateful this happened and walk away. I dont like giving up and leaving things unresolved, and i would give her another chance if i got the opportunity. That feeling may change over time but at the moment im still confused and i do love her. I know this is a rollercoaster and emotions change constantly.

Hey Steve, thanks for stopping by. You are right, i do tend to forget how bad interactions were in the past.

Yeah i had no intention of actually contacting her, just wanted to vent a bit i guess. I know i am not at acceptance yet, i have accepted that there is nothing i can do anymore to get through to her but i have not completely accepted that there is no hope.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

Thanks LH, probably needed someone to snap me out of my pity party.

That's what I do lol.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

True, i know she has screwed me around more than once and i should just be grateful this happened and walk away.

You have no idea how she saved you some major stress in your middle age by possibly tearing apart your family.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

I don't like giving up and leaving things unresolved, and i would give her another chance if i got the opportunity.

You see this is where if you don't do the work your will continue to go down these paths in the future. You have to get to a place where affairs are deal breakers for you. So she say's she wants another chance and you just say ok? What would be required? Because if nothing was required she would certainly do it again.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

That feeling may change over time but at the moment im still confused and i do love her. I know this is a rollercoaster and emotions change constantly.

What are you confused about?

Originally Posted by Ace_32

i think she is still in the fog of the situation and has shown no remorse.

Ace, I would work on the basis that this will never change. Avoid the disappointment of hoping for something that may never well come. I held on to hope of remorse for too long, it was just unhealthy. Like placing a part of your happiness in the control of someone else. If she is remorseful and apologetic later down the line, well that might be a nice bonus, but if you accept that it�s never coming, you won�t care anyway.

I realise it could have been way worse if it happened later in life, i am grateful that it didnt drag another 5 or 10 years before happening.

I understand that and dont want to go down the same paths again, i am working on my mindset and mostly i am getting better but still have days like today where i regress. Affairs were always dealbreakers for me, i dont know why i want to make this work so much. I planned on spending my life with her and i guess it wasn't as much as a deal breaker for me when it happens, but i guess that could also just be fear of the unknown. It definitely wouldnt be that simple, if it ever comes to that there are things that would need to happen from her side. Will think more about that in the future if it happens.

Just about how to move forward in my career and life, this whole thing kind of triggered an early MLC for me but i think it was coming before BD anyway.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

Hey Steve, thanks for stopping by. You are right, i do tend to forget how bad interactions were in the past.

Yeah i had no intention of actually contacting her, just wanted to vent a bit i guess. I know i am not at acceptance yet, i have accepted that there is nothing i can do anymore to get through to her but i have not completely accepted that there is no hope.

Yeah I hear that. Though I think that, and we've discussed this before, you will be amazed at dating someone more mature will do for you in the future. I think I've told you that I dated a 19 year-old right before I met my wife. I was 27. Dating the 19 year-old, while exciting, was like raising a child! She was making the same mistakes I made at that age, and didn't want to hear about my wisdom related to those mistakes. We dated a few months, and then she finally flaked completely on me. I was disappointed at first, but then I met my W, who is just over a year older than me. And dating someone my age felt so much better. (I had a history of dating younger women. I was like Matthew Mcconaughey in Dazed and Confused, "I get another year older, they stay the same age!" LOL) I am on record as saying that throughout my early and mid-20s I looked for the wrong things. I was looking for someone that I was completely infatuated with. I think is some ways I did the same with my W, but at least she was in the same age category as me.

I say all that long-winded mumbo jumbo to say that if you end up dating someone new that is in their late 20s, or early 30s I think you will see that it is night and day with what you've dealt with the last 6 years. I don't think you probably even realized it while going through it.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent

Originally Posted by Ace_32

i think she is still in the fog of the situation and has shown no remorse.

Ace, I would work on the basis that this will never change. Avoid the disappointment of hoping for something that may never well come. I held on to hope of remorse for too long, it was just unhealthy. Like placing a part of your happiness in the control of someone else. If she is remorseful and apologetic later down the line, well that might be a nice bonus, but if you accept that it�s never coming, you won�t care anyway.

Originally Posted by Ace_32

I realise it could have been way worse if it happened later in life, i am grateful that it didnt drag another 5 or 10 years before happening.

I understand that and dont want to go down the same paths again, i am working on my mindset and mostly i am getting better but still have days like today where i regress. Affairs were always dealbreakers for me, i dont know why i want to make this work so much. I planned on spending my life with her and i guess it wasn't as much as a deal breaker for me when it happens, but i guess that could also just be fear of the unknown. It definitely wouldnt be that simple, if it ever comes to that there are things that would need to happen from her side. Will think more about that in the future if it happens.

Just about how to move forward in my career and life, this whole thing kind of triggered an early MLC for me but i think it was coming before BD anyway.

Good stuff here. I think her age comes into play here as well. Ace, unfortunately, I think the regret she will probably experience will be more getting married at 21 rather than getting D'd at 24 or 25. I know a gal that married in her early 20s, then a couple years into marriage realized she made a mistake and wasn't ready. She does regret hurting her ex-H, but more regrets agreeing to marry before she was ready. I actually have a couple of examples of that with people in my life. Age gaps lessen, I believe, as people age. 39-31 is less of a gap than 29-21.

Anyway, hoping she will snap out of the fog is always fool's gold. No one should wait forever for another person. Unfortunately, I can relate a lot to that as well as I waited for my ex-GF to come around for way too long. Probably my biggest regret in life, next to not going into the military out of high school.

Ace_32,

Originally Posted by Ace_32

probably needed someone to snap me out of my pity party.

I used the exact same term for myself this past weekend. You're in good company. Hang in there.

Originally Posted by LH19

Originally Posted by Ace_32

True, i know she has screwed me around more than once and i should just be grateful this happened and walk away.

You have no idea how she saved you some major stress in your middle age by possibly tearing apart your family.

LH - You mean better it happened now than 5-10 years from now?

Originally Posted by BL42

Ace_32,

Originally Posted by Ace_32

probably needed someone to snap me out of my pity party.

I used the exact same term for myself this past weekend. You're in good company. Hang in there.

Originally Posted by LH19

Originally Posted by Ace_32

True, i know she has screwed me around more than once and i should just be grateful this happened and walk away.

You have no idea how she saved you some major stress in your middle age by possibly tearing apart your family.

LH - You mean better it happened now than 5-10 years from now?

Yes not to take away from what he is going through but not having kids and having a family torn apart is so much easier.