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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2915770#Post2915770KC,
I have only loosely followed your thread. I do recall a conversation where posters (and perhaps you?) speculated if you had some personality disordered tendencies. I was really impressed at the way you handled yourself and received those comments. You were not overly defensive, like many would be. It is all too often that we throw out these terms here -- narcissist, borderline, histrionic, etc -- and I have probably been guilty of that too. The thing is, none of us here are psychiatrists AND sitting in an office with a more objective assessment, so it's easy to throw those terms around but we could be very wrong. I am not even sure how much those labels matter. What I do know about these disorders is that they are incredibly hard to treat. I think the reason for that is because a large part of the pathological thinking includes a lack of insight to the self.
All of that said, and where I am going here, is that I do not view you that way. You seem to have good insight into yourself and your behavior! You are fully able to admit what you are doing and how it's a mistake. And you do have the power to change that. I am sure it's not easy, but you can. You don't have to beat yourself up for it and wallow in regret. You can accept it and then set it free. You can recondition your thought patterns and behaviors. I do agree with others tho that it might require some professional help. I have never been the person that thinks that therapy is the solution to all problems. I think there is a wide spectrum of how skilled counselors are and also what sort of things they really can help with.
Now that you are starting to identify what your patterns of thinking/behaviors are, why not search for someone that is highly skilled in this area? It really could be life changing for you and your future relationships. Maybe? Maybe not? But I doubt it could hurt you. You deserve to be your best self, we all do.
Blu
Blu - Thank you. I appreciate your insightful and kind comments.
UGH... I do sort through a lot of my whys in my choices. I admit I have terrible impulse control. Its a strange mix. I'm a horribly shy person. Painfully shy my entire life!!! I got set up on a date with a guy I knew a little of for a dance in high school - was a friends cousin and we double dated. I did not say a single word to the guy the entire night. I listened and smiled but did not utter a word. I had a great time! Dear lord what an awful experience for him!
In college as a freshman I worked in cafeteria in my dorm. I was always pleasant. Did my job happily even when on the dish washing line on mashed potato night (and for those of you who may not know... it was typical for college kids to find humor in pasting plates together with mashed potatos which is a pain in butt to get them apart!!!). However, I never spoke much outside of my roommate who also worked there. In my second year I was clearly more comfortable and had a few more friends that worked that and I was a lot more talkative and funny! I made even more friends and they each told me how wrong they were about me... they all thought I was stuck up and snobby. They never realized I was just THAT shy.
What a terrible mixed message to the guy I was dating. Here I am going out to dinner. Listening a lot because he talked a lot. I did talk. I added things to the conversation but perhaps he felt he was not getting enough about me??? But, here I am texting him quite a bit and very sexy pics... that he would imply or ask for. I'm being a very sexual person but he kept referring to me as "Miss Quiet" or "I wish you would talk to me". That had to be very confusing to him and leaving him feeling that I was not interested in him when I was very much so. I was getting to the point of being more comfortable and open with him when all this imploded in a bad way. I can see now that my walls were still WAY up... I was just in the beginning of my journey in letting go of my M. I'm trying to accept that this was doomed anyway as in just in the natural part of my journey the first few relationships I will enter will post M are just filling some hole in my prior life and won't have the sustainability long term... in other words I'm still learning who I am and my own issues played a role in my M.
As for my impulse control... it has been seriously fun at times!!! I mean over a decade ago before meeting my H I randomly friend this guy on Myspace... many states away who ends up having a best friend not to far from me. We had a lot of great conversations in addition I ended up friending his local friend. In just less than 2mo found an excuse to travel to his state for work. Originally I was supposed to stay at his house but at the last minute he began exclusively dating a girl so that would have been awkward having some chick you met on the internet crashing at your house. So I got a hotel room. We hung out and went hiking, visited museums. I went and did my work related stuff. I traveled on my own to visit some local spots and drive the coastline. His friend who lived near me stayed in touch and set me up for dinner and drinks at a few places. I just had to go in and give his name and I was taken care of! It was a great adventure. And too this day I'm still friends with the guy and we chat a few times a month over a decade later.
However there is clearly a dark side to my impulse control issues. My logical brain knows that I need to leave this guy alone and respect his space. He made a choice about me based on his feelings of the situation - of course I feel his opinion of me is wrong. I get it. The mixed messages... I'm still married... he feels disappointed with my lack of empathy... UGH. But, my impulsive side is like if I can be funny and make him laugh because he does have a good sense of humor... if I can inquire and state "hey I saw X breed of dog and it made me think of how yours is doing"... that he will see he wasn't correct in how he thought about me. So I'm telling myself that by contacting him I am not respecting him is my logical brain and at the very same time my impulsive brain is typing him a message.
I get it... all I am telling him is that I'm overbearing, rude, stalkerish, etc. He isn't realizing that I'm a kind compassionate person at all. ((facepalm)). He is regretting ever meeting me. So then my impulsive brain wants to follow up with an apology and suggest just being friends... but my logical brain knows the best apology is to leave him alone. I think my logical brain finally has a firm grasp on the situation over my impulsive brain.
I sincerely regret when he last contacted me I just didn't say "I hear you". "I apologize if you felt I was not showing interest in you because I very much was interested, but I understand how you feel". AND NEVER EVER CONTACTED HIM AGAIN. That would have been showing him that I value myself very well. Instead I vomited my feelings and my situation all over him in a text message --- UGH.
At the very least I was able to take more of my focus off my H and my impending D for a period of time. But, the downside of the implosion is that right back to questioning a few things.
I went to church with my MIL yesterday. She had been asking me for months to go and long story short there was an odd visit to my office by a women who felt she was there to give me a message... etc. So rather than stay at home OR go on yet another date I went to visit my MIL.
We went to lunch afterwards. We chatted about all kinds of things. I NEVER mention my STBXH and she is careful too for the most part. She stated how much she appreciated all that I did for my SD19. We talked about SS21 and S19. We talked alot about SD19. Our worries and concerns for her and her poor relationship with her dad.
That's when it happened... she let it slip that OW's daughter thought the world of STBXH and how this girl and her seriously disabled sister where living with their mother and my STBXH. The disabled daughter is in the basement and the other daughter is in the attic. That is a 950sq foot house with 4 adults in it... And, my STBXH is convinced his S21 is going to move in with him when he out of the service - so 5 people living there?? YIKES. I'm certain SS21 is NOT going to want to live in that situation. Previously, OW did not have custody of any of her children. they lived with her XH and she only had a 1 bedroom apt.
Either way I have known in my heart that STBXH was living with OW even though as a month ago he is still trying to tell me he lives alone... WHY?? He is also trying to tell me he is going to HI alone and that is also a lie... WHY???
I live in a no fault state. what he does has no bearing on the D.
What is his motivation to lie???
He also still does not have an atty so he texts me once a week for updates... I ignore half of them but guilt sinks in and I end up texting him.
QUESTION: So here's a situation: We have a court date coming up next month. Its just a status hearing... nothing else. I will NOT be attending. My atty can handle it. STBXH texted me earlier this month that he was on his way to my town... then texted oops he made a mistake and the court date is next month. I'm totally confused because he does not need to drive to my town for court... its a zoom meeting and the court letter has a link for the zoom meeting. Do I tell him that he needs to use the zoom link and not drive to my town... or is this not my circus not my monkeys thing and let him F it up??? The guilt is eating at me that I know that he is going to be making a mistake and he would end up missing the court date. But, again I'm no longer mothering him... that was the old me.
And if you've made to the end of my ramblings today you deserve a gold star!!!! PEACE AND LOVE
A disco ball is hundreds of pieces of broken glass put together to make a magical ball of light... I'm not broken... I'm a disco ball!!!!
STBXH texted me earlier this month that he was on his way to my town... then texted oops he made a mistake and the court date is next month. I'm totally confused because he does not need to drive to my town for court... its a zoom meeting and the court letter has a link for the zoom meeting. Do I tell him that he needs to use the zoom link and not drive to my town... or is this not my circus not my monkeys thing and let him F it up??? The guilt is eating at me that I know that he is going to be making a mistake and he would end up missing the court date. But, again I'm no longer mothering him... that was the old me.
Hi KitCat,
You are not his mother, his partner, or his friend so I would leave him be to figure his own life out. He is also not a good influence on your life, a person who drives you towards beings your best KitCat.
We'll never know with perfect clarity, not now, not twenty years from now. This is a question we all must let go of after a breakup. Learn what we can from the past, then leave it to exist only in the past.
I'm trying to accept that this was doomed anyway as in just in the natural part of my journey the first few relationships I will enter will post M are just filling some hole in my prior life and won't have the sustainability long term... in other words I'm still learning who I am and my own issues played a role in my M
I'm not sure I agree with this framing. I think your relationships may be "doomed" until you take the time to figure out how to fill your hole without romantic partners (your ex-husband, pilot, or random dates), until you take the time to figure out what attracts you to men with anger issues so you don't do that again. I'm drinking my own kool-aid. I'm not dating, trying to figure out how to fill my holes, trying to figure out how not to be attracted to women who are critical of me. I should be attracted to more compassionate partners! Sending ((hugs)) your way. Your 2x4s and support have been very helpful. I wish you well. Take care!
You are not his mother, his partner, or his friend so I would leave him be to figure his own life out. He is also not a good influence on your life, a person who drives you towards beings your best KitCat.
I'd generally agree, but not if it's going to drag things out if the court date gets postponed because he misses it. A short text with a link to the zoom meeting might not be a bad idea.
You are not his mother, his partner, or his friend so I would leave him be to figure his own life out. He is also not a good influence on your life, a person who drives you towards beings your best KitCat.
I'd generally agree, but not if it's going to drag things out if the court date gets postponed because he misses it. A short text with a link to the zoom meeting might not be a bad idea.
I'm wracked with guilt for sure.
On one hand I a not his mother. He has moved on and has OW.
On the other I am a being a good person??? Am I someone that I'd want in my own life because I respect the morals and values I have?
The court date is just a status update. Letting the judge know we are moving from Legal S to D. Unless he is contesting it I don't think missing it is an issue. I told him 2 months ago I would NOT be attending.
He's a big boy, all grown up. And has been through a D before, right? You are not his baby-sitter/personal assistant. I'd let him deal with it and wouldn't remind him of a single thing.
I'm trying to accept that this was doomed anyway as in just in the natural part of my journey the first few relationships I will enter will post M are just filling some hole in my prior life and won't have the sustainability long term... in other words I'm still learning who I am and my own issues played a role in my M
I'm not sure I agree with this framing. I think your relationships may be "doomed" until you take the time to figure out how to fill your hole without romantic partners (your ex-husband, pilot, or random dates), until you take the time to figure out what attracts you to men with anger issues so you don't do that again. I'm drinking my own kool-aid. I'm not dating, trying to figure out how to fill my holes, trying to figure out how not to be attracted to women who are critical of me. I should be attracted to more compassionate partners! Sending ((hugs)) your way. Your 2x4s and support have been very helpful. I wish you well. Take care!
Well I don't buy into that completely.
I've read a couple of highly recommend books on D. Both state to expect that early relationships will not usually be more than short lived for many reasons... one of which is just due to your own growth and moving forward and sometimes filling those holes that life creates.
I don't think its wrong to accept that or acknowledge that...
Everyone has heard of rebound relationships. They seem so perfect but later implode due to unrealistic emotional issues that led to the rebound relationship.
Additionally not everyone you ever date will be long term whether you've been in a serious relationship, marriage or not. You might date someone for 3 months or a year and still not want to commit to them or realize that your personal growth has led you to see what it is you did or did not want in a long term partner. Additionally these are things on YOUR end of the partnership... your partner may be going through their own things in life leading to just a short term relationship.
I don't feel its a faulty sense of self at all to accept that I will most likely have a few short term relationships before finding someone more ideal for myself. The key is to not maliciously enter into these relationships and I not disputing I still have a lot more healing to do for myself.
Based on the book I reached out to two men that I have casually been dating and simply stated that I've probably started this dating process a little too early. I pointed out what great characteristics they each had and thanked them for allowing me the chance to know them. This is a mature way to handle the ending of a relationship (and NOT the ghosting that was done to me.)
Interestingly enough both men in their own way thought I was wonderful and that neither felt misled (they knew my marital status upfront). Both offered support, expressed wanting me to check in and hoped to remain on good terms with me over time. I really liked that. I felt good about myself in my honesty and putting myself first and I was very much respected for that.
I could be friends with both. And, its good to have friends. Romantic interests are put on the back burner now.
He's a big boy, all grown up. And has been through a D before, right? You are not his baby-sitter/personal assistant. I'd let him deal with it and wouldn't remind him of a single thing.
Thanks for you input!
Ok so I have a different take. This is where your unpredictable behavior will frustrate your STBXH.
Are you puppy buddies who occasionally text, joke and exchange your life experiences or are you the stbxw who has been abused, cheated on etc. and value yourself too much to let him in your life?
If you are going to be the first then let him know. If you are going to be the latter then don’t let him know.
Ok so I have a different take. This is where your unpredictable behavior will frustrate your STBXH.
Are you puppy buddies who occasionally text, joke and exchange your life experiences or are you the stbxw who has been abused, cheated on etc. and value yourself too much to let him in your life?
If you are going to be the first then let him know. If you are going to be the latter then don’t let him know.
There in lies the crux...
The good person in me... wants to let him know...
The hurt person in me... say F it...
Do I work on personal growth and continue to be that good person inside of me OR do I let the hurt person win??? Regardless of how he has treated me - cheating, the on going lying. Its reflection on my character and not his right?
Again up to you decide but your behavior should be consistent.
KC,
I find it very odd that you want anything to do with somebody who abused you.
Is it the "good" in you, or the fact you still hope for a R one day maybe ?
KC,
I find it very odd that you want anything to do with somebody who abused you.
Is it the "good" in you, or the fact you still hope for a R one day maybe ?
IDK - honest answer. Some days I really wish I could just be really angry... I mean really angry. I wonder if all of this would be easier if I was angry???
I've spent a great deal of time focusing on healing and just getting my emotions in check. It was important to me to find a place of calm and to make decisions from a calm place.
I truly feel that my STBXH is good 80%of the time but the other 20% is made up of bad coping skills where extreme lack of sleep and stress made them tremendously worse.
My STBXH is a war veteran - is this PTSD? Neither of us knew. However, he did know what he was doing to me was wrong. I know he opened up to a fellow veteran about one incident (though when I tried to talk about the road rage issues with this particular person my H got angry and shut down so clearly he was NOT ready to deal with all of his issues.) Part of the reason he left was that he was afraid he was going to hurt me at some point - he had so much bottled up anger. There were verbal threats of harm during the separation process - you could just see his anger but he kept his distance.
Yes - the road rage has been an issue for many years. So I don't want to gloss over it or sweep it under the rug and I've had some indication that perhaps there was another incident not to long ago which is how he dented the front end of the truck grill.
My goal has always been to take the high road.
My STBXH was at my office a few weeks ago picking up the puppy post surgery. We were doing things in getting the dog ready for the road including doing a spot bath. My employer made a comment the next week about how well we seemed to be getting along. My response "I could continue to be angry at him but what would that solve? How does that help me?".
Do I want to R with a man who bought a home and supported OW and her adult daughters??? YUCK. But, when I think back to the man I married... yeah I still like that guy... a lot.
So IDK. Honest answer. I'm just trying to live my life in a manner that makes me feel good and happy with who I am.
KC,
So the fact that you read this:
Are you puppy buddies who occasionally text, joke and exchange your life experiences or are you the stbxw who has been abused, cheated on etc. and value yourself too much to let him in your life?
And thought a thoughtful answer to it was this:
Do I work on personal growth and continue to be that good person inside of me OR do I let the hurt person win??? Regardless of how he has treated me - cheating, the on going lying. Its reflection on my character and not his right?
is exactly where the problem lies.
So I'm going to lay this out for you as politely and matter-of-factly as I can.
As a human person you are not either a good person or a bad person. There's a lot of misconception on this board and in life that people are either one or the other. Human beings are unfortunately far more complex than some silly binary trope. However your stbxh treated you poorly. He treated you poorly as a wife, as a friend and as a fellow human. How you interact with him has little to do with forgiveness or anger. Yeah, you need to let those things go in due time as you process through, but you aren't anywhere near that. As I can see it, you've done very little to process the toxicity of this relationship or truly start the grieving process of it's demise. You are still holding out hope, and most of us can't understand why a person who was lucky enough to leave an abusive relationship alive would continue to hold out hope.
What LH is asking you here is how are you going to walk this path? What is your journey as this man's exW? Are you going to be a happy puppy buddy to a person who treated you like you were worthless so you can keep a door open that stbxh has been very clear is nailed and painted shut? Or are you going to love you and your personal peace more than a possibility with a man who never really valued you?
The options LH gave you aren't black and white. It isn't my exW my bestie or my exW the b*tch. There is a ton of middle ground where you are perfectly capable of not only being true to yourself, and taking a high road, but where you put you, your heart and your psyche as a priority over stbxh.
But my suspicion is as it has been that you aren't emotionally mature or emotionally well enough to see that very broad middle ground. That would require an egregious amount of self love, self confidence, and self worth that I can see clear as day that you are lacking. These choices you keep making, the choices with men, the choices with stbxh, the drama that surrounds you that is so off putting to Mr. Brightside and few others, isn't mental illness out right. It's trauma. You function on trauma responses almost solely, without any foresight, with very little regard to the consequences for your own heart and safety. Trust me when I said I was that person. I was. So many of us with rough FOO are this person. But you need to realize you are that person before anything in your life especially your love life will every change for the better.
You are worthy. You are valuable. You are loveable. You are so much more than you think you are. But you have to slow down. You have to take a very real inventory of what you contribute in these destructive cycles. You have to realize your growth means growing past the trauma that allowed you to be in a relationship like the one you were in with stbxh and for what I can only assume would be others with men exactly like him before. If you want to be good person. If you want to grown, you have to start recognizing your own cycles, your own toxicity and your behavior that is dictated by your trauma. I don't believe that you're mentally ill in the easily diagnosable sense, but you have to start doing some real work, and soon. How much more humiliation are you willing to suffer at the hands of men when there is so much you could do to keep your self out of those positions?
Have you ever read about The Nice Girl Syndrome? If not, please google it, and see if you think it sounds familiar with some of your traits. Don't confuse it with the the one that's called the good girl syndrome, b/c that one is mostly linked to feelings about sex. Take a look at nice girl syndrome. You may find some answers in why you endure abusive and manipulative relationships. I'm interested in knowing what you think.
((hugs))
Have you ever read about The Nice Girl Syndrome? If not, please google it, and see if you think it sounds familiar with some of your traits. Don't confuse it with the the one that's called the good girl syndrome, b/c that one is mostly linked to feelings about sex. Take a look at nice girl syndrome. You may find some answers in why you endure abusive and manipulative relationships. I'm interested in knowing what you think.
((hugs))
I think this is probably pretty spot on for me. I've been guilty about all 7 features at some point.
The good news is that I have been tackling a couple of the 7 prior to even reading what this was about. I'm saying "no" more... the next step is then not wallowing for days over the guilt of saying "no"... and yes, that does happen. I was asked recently to do something for my mother but the timing would not work with my schedule and then leaving for vacation. I told my mother "no" and briefly explained I cannot get to another town by 4pm when I work till 6-7pm, followed by the only day I have free is the day I leave for vacation. She was NOT pleased by her passive aggressive tone and follow up text 2 days later. The guilt stayed with me for a solid 5 days. The only way I could manage the guilt was to not reply to her text message and just not have contact at all with her.
I get it. I'm still trying to please my STBXH despite what a piece of crap he was to me at times. I can look back and see we would take vacations to Hawaii, Las Vegas... and I would be sitting there silently crying. Tears streaming down my face for the way he would make me feel and then 2hr later he would act like it was no big deal and for me to get over it. He would never apologize - just try to do something he thought I would perceive as nice and then never give it another thought.
But, perhaps I contributed to these situations? By not being able to take ANY criticism??? I spent a great chunk of time defending my actions or rather a better term would be "what I do for you". For example - STBXH commuted over 2hr a day while I had a commute of 10min. Therefore, I felt it was my responsibility to do 100% of the laundry, housekeeping, and cooking. When STBXH would be stressed, tired, frustrated and not dealing with it well, I often said "I'm doing the laundry, the cooking and cleaning". STBXH would be resentful feeling that I held those things over this head... He would get angry if I said "I cooked you dinner". His reply would be "are you not eating too? so then you cooked 'us' dinner". I would get frustrated because my statement wasn't meant to imply that I was also not doing something for myself... that's not how I meant it. It took him leaving for me to see how my statement made him feel. I think it was wrong of him to treat me that way over "I cooked you dinner", however I should have validated his feelings better. Yes, I can see how you would feel that way when I make my actions about "you" and not "us".
All this time and I'm still getting drug down by the weight of my emotions/guilt of how it took me so long to see my STBXH's side. I'm not agreeing that he was right but he also wasn't wrong all of the time. Its just sad and terrible that I am unable to let him know that "I get it now, I understand why and how some of these things bothered you
Currently I'm balancing being pleasing not only to my STBXH but also today my atty. It can be a vicious cycle some days for sure.
I'm so tired.
I get it. I'm still trying to please my STBXH despite what a piece of crap he was to me at times. I can look back and see we would take vacations to Hawaii, Las Vegas... and I would be sitting there silently crying. Tears streaming down my face for the way he would make me feel and then 2hr later he would act like it was no big deal and for me to get over it. He would never apologize - just try to do something he thought I would perceive as nice and then never give it another thought.
This is exactly what abusers do. To apologize would admit that they were in the wrong. Instead they try to "smooth" over it with gifts, compliments, etc. Reminds me of the scene in the movie Sleeping With The Enemy. After hitting her he goes out and gets her an expensive negliegee, and then expects her to wear it for him and to have sex. It is intimidation, narcissism, and gaslighting all rolled together. I even remember him telling her "I am sorry we quarreled." HUH? You smacked her around there was no quarreling! GASLIGHTING!
Decompressing....
Spoke with Atty yesterday.
I then called STBXH today and discussed with him that I was informed that my portion of his pension was twice the value that we both thought it was.... He was surprised by that as was I. He than asked for a number.
I gave him the very top highest number that my atty thought would be possible...
And, he said "ouch"... then okay.
I then went on and listed other items which he would be financially responsible for as well as I wanted a very small portion of liquid assets.
He just agreed to everything... He asked how soon this was to be written up. I told him as soon as I am back from vacation I will follow up with my atty.
STBXH then asked "your still okay to watch puppy when I'm on vacation"... I told him "yes". I will be working out how he can drop off/pick up the dog without seeing me or talking to me.
I know no one here is surprised. Its been a long road and I'm just numb at the moment.
It was just words, and he's a liar, so I put no weight into his saying "ok" or agreeing. I'm glad this is moving towards conclusion and hope he signs off when you return so this is as smooth as possible.
It was just words, and he's a liar, so I put no weight into his saying "ok" or agreeing. I'm glad this is moving towards conclusion and hope he signs off when you return so this is as smooth as possible.
I unfortunately think CW is right. It was almost as if "I need her to babysit the puppy so I'll play nice for now." It could also be that he is just to a point of wanting it over so he is willing to agree to any reasonable terms in order to move on. But the "you are still going to watch puppy" comment has me leery.
Right now, all he is concerned about is someone to dog sit the puppy. His focus on on his vacation and getting away. Once he's away and he starts to think about what you have told him about your conversation w/your lawyer, he very well may change his tune and come to realize that he's got more to lose w/the divorce. Let's see what he has to say about all of this when he returns from his vacation. I don't think he's going to be as agreeable about the division of property/funds. I may be wrong, but I don't think so.
I can see why there would be thoughts that he is just agreeing to make sure he still has a pet sitter...
BUT -
He just texted this morning thinking that everything will be finalized by next week. (I pet sit just over 2 weeks from now).
I suppose this is just the alien brain I read about so much. I mean when I spoke with him I told him I would get back to my atty AFTER my vacation... which would be next week. My atty will review the final offer to make sure its sound and nothing has been left out... then my atty will dictate offer to her paralegal which will then write up the offer... then reviewed by atty... then sent to me. ALL THIS WILL HAPPEN IN LESS THAN 7 DAYS??? OH yes, and then add it will be filled and looked at by the judge... hahaha. Like I'm her only case.
So I'm in the camp of he did not find it totally unreasonable so he agreed to get it done and over with and to move on.
He is done with me and sees no redeeming value in our M. He is happy in his new life.
First, happiness has nothing to do with his new life, if he doesn't find it inside then his new life is a bandaid on internal unhappiness.
Second, people get funny when it comes to money. With the history between you two, (him feeling you controlled the money and his spending), I wouldn't be surprised that once the vacations are over he starts questioning the "agreement".
Again, there is a chance he just wants to get it over with, but I wouldn't be surprised if this turns ugly since there is money involved.
Hi KitKat,
Given how often he lies to you, why do you trust him much more than us three?
Whether he's honest or not you'll know when his vacation's done. Whether it's his alien or tired or narcissist's brain--mind-reading. Enjoy your vacation. I hope it's fun and you create wonderful memories!
I'd just caution you to drop any expectations for his behavior.
Yes, I see the truths you are speaking.
He has lied and continues to lie to me.
I will get the information to the atty. Once the document is drafted if he back peddles he just draws this out longer.
While I can only speculate, I do know my H. I expect that he is proposing while in HI and he wants to be able to marry OW as soon as possible. He has given me a year.
Well if this were sporting match there would be bets laid down and odds...
We will all know the answers shortly.
If we were placing bets, we'd only be placing them in your favor. Hope your vacation is going well!
Well driving home from vaca... I'm getting texts from H from 4am. I'm ignoring but you can tell he is emotionally on edge because he has not texted repeatedly like that without waiting for an answer from me in nearly 9months.
It was clear he was pitching a fit and threatening... I caved and called. He was angry and kept telling me how uncomfortable he was feeling... like a dozen times. I tried to sit and quietly state "I understand, I hear you, I respect that".
At one point I mentioned that maybe things could be better for him for his next M... He then the biggest deep fake belly laugh "what makes you think I would ever get M again?"... Me - "well I suspect that you will be proposing soon and M OW". He went on with this deep fake laugh "Why would I ever make that stupid mistake again?"
I just dropped it.
For starters he has continued to lie... he has no issues with using me/taking advantage of me... he thinks we are "friends"... and yup, I've been a friend... dropped everything more than once to help out with the puppy... dog sitting... BUT, what has he done in efforts to be "friends"? NOTHING. He knew I was struggling with some gutter issues at the house and he is coming to the house in 2 weeks to drop off the dog. It would literally take him 15min to do the gutter work... NEVER OFFERED to help. SO NO WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I got off the phone by stating we could talk in a couple of days... but I have NOT spoken to him since.
What still compels you to answer his calls? I get why he's calling--he's having big feelings and doesn't know how to self-soothe. In the past, he's relied on abuse, road rage, and venting to you. He may not want to show that side of himself to OW. You say you "caved", but what were you feeling that made you answer?
I tried to sit and quietly state "I understand, I hear you, I respect that".
What were you feeling that made you keep listening? If my ex-wife called at 4am I might answer to see if her house burned down, but I'd be extricating myself soon after.
He went on with this deep fake laugh "Why would I ever make that stupid mistake again?" I just dropped it.
That sounds disrespectful--a good opportunity to hang-up.
BUT, what has he done in efforts to be "friends"? NOTHING.
It sounds like you're realizing what you two share is not a friendship. I suspect your interactions (puppy care, venting) would not be at a balance point even if he cleaned the gutters? My ex-GF had someone who regularly vented to her, but the venter always provided nice meals and drinks in exchange.
What still compels you to answer his calls? I get why he's calling--he's having big feelings and doesn't know how to self-soothe. In the past, he's relied on abuse, road rage, and venting to you. He may not want to show that side of himself to OW. You say you "caved", but what were you feeling that made you answer?
Honestly.... its the feeling of LOSS OF CONTROL = FEAR. I have not been able to put all of my fears to bed.
I tried to sit and quietly state "I understand, I hear you, I respect that".
What were you feeling that made you keep listening? If my ex-wife called at 4am I might answer to see if her house burned down, but I'd be extricating myself soon after.
Well I would not have answered at 4am - that's just when the texts started... and when I continued to not respond by 3pm things on his end escalated and I called.
Practicing listening. We had gotten into a bad habit of talking over each other in a desperate means to be heard. He has been listening and if he interrupts we both stop talking and he tells me to go ahead. The validation comments make sure that I'm taking time to hear him and not interrupt him with my own thoughts/concerns. One of my 180's is making sure he feels heard - pointless as we are getting D and contact is so infrequent.
Its weird that once the D is final we will have absolutely no reason to interact any longer. I'm not saying that a good or bad thing ---- its just a weird fact. We had 10yr of being each others other half.
He went on with this deep fake laugh "Why would I ever make that stupid mistake again?" I just dropped it.
That sounds disrespectful--a good opportunity to hang-up.
Maybe??? I think its just more part of his elaborate lies. He cannot admit OW at all.... so admitting he would get remarried would have to be admitting her??? Not my circus, not my monkeys. Zero expectations on everything.
BUT, what has he done in efforts to be "friends"? NOTHING.
It sounds like you're realizing what you two share is not a friendship. I suspect your interactions (puppy care, venting) would not be at a balance point even if he cleaned the gutters? My ex-GF had someone who regularly vented to her, but the venter always provided nice meals and drinks in exchange.
Of course I cannot mind read but I would suspect that STBXH "thinks" he has done a lot for our friendship??? I'm certain his perception is far different from mine. But, seriously he has not done anything a "friend" would do.... AND, I am frankly to nice and accommodating to him.
The one thing he did say during our conversation "We have been communicating/talking with each so much better than... than... in a really long time". I just agreed... and then rambled... I really need to learn to say less... less is more... saying nothing is more... when in doubt do nothing...
eh... it is what it is.
What were his texts about? What was the reason he wanted to talk to you?
Its weird that once the D is final we will have absolutely no reason to interact any longer. I'm not saying that a good or bad thing ---- its just a weird fact. We had 10yr of being each others other half.
OH, so he is going to get rid of the dog?
KC, you have no reason to interact now. You continue to make excuses to keep interacting. In fact, the quote above is very very telling. You are dreading the day when you no longer have an excuse to interact with him. And that explains a lot of your behavior in regard to him.
Its weird that once the D is final we will have absolutely no reason to interact any longer. I'm not saying that a good or bad thing ---- its just a weird fact. We had 10yr of being each others other half.
OH, so he is going to get rid of the dog?
KC, you have no reason to interact now. You continue to make excuses to keep interacting. In fact, the quote above is very very telling. You are dreading the day when you no longer have an excuse to interact with him. And that explains a lot of your behavior in regard to him.
I think you misunderstood my tone... its not that I'm dreading it... I'm realizing it as a fact and it just seems so odd for someone who you knew for over a decade just disappears.
What I was more thinking about it is that he and his first XW have children so there will always be some sort of connection... interaction... updates.
We have no connection ropes so to speak.... literally disappearing to dust.
Again, this is more of realization/reflection than a concern.
Frankly, I don't think he will call or return with the dog. He was really an emotional state when we talked last Friday. I won't be contacting him... I'm tired of that emotional state... and I don't think he has it in himself to contact me anymore.
I sent all the finalized points that we discussed for the D to the atty. Now, just waiting for a document.
Its weird that once the D is final we will have absolutely no reason to interact any longer. I'm not saying that a good or bad thing ---- its just a weird fact. We had 10yr of being each others other half.
OH, so he is going to get rid of the dog?
KC, you have no reason to interact now. You continue to make excuses to keep interacting. In fact, the quote above is very very telling. You are dreading the day when you no longer have an excuse to interact with him. And that explains a lot of your behavior in regard to him.
I think you misunderstood my tone... its not that I'm dreading it... I'm realizing it as a fact and it just seems so odd for someone who you knew for over a decade just disappears.
What I was more thinking about it is that he and his first XW have children so there will always be some sort of connection... interaction... updates.
We have no connection ropes so to speak.... literally disappearing to dust.
Again, this is more of realization/reflection than a concern.
Frankly, I don't think he will call or return with the dog. He was really an emotional state when we talked last Friday. I won't be contacting him... I'm tired of that emotional state... and I don't think he has it in himself to contact me anymore.
I sent all the finalized points that we discussed for the D to the atty. Now, just waiting for a document.
I am not buying that he won't still come to you about the dog.
And what was he emotional about? What were the subject of the texts at 4am? And what was talked about on the phone call?
We have no connection ropes so to speak.... literally disappearing to dust.
This should happen to people who treat you as badly as your WAH treated you.
KitCat, I’m curious too about his reason for calling. You said he was calling you from 4am to 3pm, escalated to threats you feared, and you respected his position. Frivolous? Legitimate business?
KitCat, I’m curious too about his reason for calling. You said he was calling you from 4am to 3pm, escalated to threats you feared, and you respected his position. Frivolous? Legitimate business?
He was texting me... I was NOT responding. I could tell he was feeling a bit trapped/emotionally on edge I guess. When I would not respond he ended up texting something like "don't you worry about, I will take care of it"
That is when I called him. He started playing games by not answering the phone... whatever. I texted and told him I was not ignoring him but I had been driving for 6hr. He answered when I called back.
I assume it had to do with the atty and the dissolution agreement.
He got kind of crappy like why didn't I email her today... I'm driving all day... well you could have done it before you started driving...
When he texted me earlier in the week I told him I was on vacation.
When we spoke about the terms of the dissolution I again said I was on vacation - oh, you're still on vacation? YES. I made it clear I would contact the atty when I was home next week.
I don't know if it was because I was on vacation??? He did this the last time I was out of town - contacted about the cell phone bill... contacted on Chrismas Eve could I pet sit puppy at the end of March... oh, you're not home yet??? The stupid part is that the timeshare info is in his name so that even though I've put in my address the mail still gets forwarded to him and he knows exactly when I'm out of town. ((FACEPALM)). Until its paid off the deed cannot be changed to my name only ---- it is what it is.
Either way I just ended the call with I needed a couple of days and we could talk later. I have not reached out since then and neither has he.
We have no connection ropes so to speak.... literally disappearing to dust.
This should happen to people who treat you as badly as your WAH treated you.
I hear you.
Keep in mind when we were married one could argue that there were times where I did not treat him as well as I should have either... that's a two way street we are navigating.
Granted... I'm not the one who is still currently lying and taking advantage of someone. I certainly don't think much of him right now but he is dealing with his own emotional demons so I'm staying on my side of the street.
Overall, its just unfortunate that 10yrs just didn't exist.
Keep in mind when we were married one could argue that there were times where I did not treat him as well as I should have either... that's a two way street we are navigating.
He seems to have no problem walking away from you erasing the last tens years.
Granted... I'm not the one who is still currently lying and taking advantage of someone.
He can't take advantage unless you allow it.
Overall, its just unfortunate that 10yrs just didn't exist.
It did exist. My guess is that it was good in the beginning and then got toxic and abusive in the end. Time to end the relationship.
I’m sure there were times you didn’t treat him as well as you should have.
But did you abuse him physically and emotionally and scare his child?
Not comparable at all unless you were actually abusive to him.
You hang on and answer calls because those abused are scared of the repercussions if they don’t .
You are still scared of him.
Oh, and why should he be forthcoming of what his plans are with OW? Why should he tell you the truth? That’s his life now and he doesn’t want to discuss that stuff with you. And you shouldn’t want to discuss it with him.
You last 10 years are not negated. They really happened, you were really married and you were really abused by him.
And going forward, you are no longer together and your future is independent of each other. No reason to discuss his future plans with OW or your future plans on your own. Your lives are now completely independent of eachother. Which I think is a fantastic thing for you, but you keep that connection going. And hopefully one day you can let it go.
Today just S*CKS!!!!
I'm a bucket of tears.
I mean it was a good weekend. I'm pet sitting the puppy!!! So much fun to have the pooches together again. I've been busy. I cannot walk both dogs at the same time... so when one goes for a 3mi walk I turn around and do the other one a 3mil walk. I've walked 18mi in the last 4 days... TIRED!
Work is staying busy.
TODAY is just a ton of bricks weighing down my chest and its hard to breathe...
* I had a ceiling repair estimate done at the beginning of the year and had not heard back about a start date... turns out the guy no longer works there and they no longer have an office in my town.... TEARS....
* Working on tearing out carpeting through out the house but I live a lone and no one to help move furniture so kind of a pointless task.
* Picking out new carpet today and trying to get it scheduled but its a very slow process... feeling overwhelmed.
* Yeah STBXH is in HI for 2 weeks with OW... STINGS LIKE A B*TCH
* STBXH bday was yesterday... I know I'm not supposed to give a crap but its just a reminder that my bday is 6 days later
* Severe headache... heart palpatations...
* Of course I just want to reach out to someone I know I'm not supposed to (NOT STBXH) and ask for recommedations on a person for ceiling work... UGH....
JUST FREAKING OVERWHELMED at the moment.
Calm down. This too will pass! Nothing you posted above is the end of the world. If you don't get new carpet until your S comes home from college to help move furniture, would it be the end of the world?
There are a ton of online referral places (probably not supposed to put their links in here but think a female name list.com). That is just one, you don't need to reach out to "someone" to find a new contractor.
You being triggered by STBXH's HI trip (which you enabled be being oh so willing to dog sit) and his birthday are exactly the reasons why dating is such a horrendous idea. But you already know that.
If only there were professionals you could turn to when life gets overwhelming and you feel anxious...............
The trigger was actually a work issue... everything else was just snowball effect.
The work issue should have been resolved in 10min... but its not... and that triggered a major anxiety issue and everything is just compounding a hundred fold.
I'm not currently dating. The guys I have gone out with previously know that I'm not looking for that right now and 2 are willing to just be friends and hang out from time to time.
Oh, and my birthday on Sunday is probably an additional trigger.
As for the puppy - if I hadn't agreed STBXH would have found someone else. Its super unlikely he would have cancelled a trip to HI because I would not watch the dog. FRACK... its been nice to the fella back. The only good part about this crappy day.
I know I won't die from this but its the weight of 100 elephants on my chest at the moment...
As for the puppy - if I hadn't agreed STBXH would have found someone else. Its super unlikely he would have cancelled a trip to HI because I would not watch the dog. FRACK... its been nice to the fella back. The only good part about this crappy day.
This is typical enabler logic. "If I hadn't provided the heroin he would have got it from somewhere else." Yep, but your hands would be clean.
I know you like the dog. I know you wish things were different. But you aren't going to change things by watching his dog for him while he takes a trip to Hawaii with OW.
As for the puppy - if I hadn't agreed STBXH would have found someone else. Its super unlikely he would have cancelled a trip to HI because I would not watch the dog. FRACK... its been nice to the fella back. The only good part about this crappy day.
This is typical enabler logic. "If I hadn't provided the heroin he would have got it from somewhere else." Yep, but your hands would be clean.
I know you like the dog. I know you wish things were different. But you aren't going to change things by watching his dog for him while he takes a trip to Hawaii with OW.
I get it.... but its not heroin... its a dog... and one could argue what if it were a child? Do you compare a child to heroin???
STBXH was going to HI with OW.... I did not enable him to go. He was going. He was trying to honor his agreement when he took the dog that I would be the one to pet sit.
Sure, I could have made the puppy suffer at a dog kennel for 2 weeks - then by your definition my hands would be clean but would that be fair to the puppy???
Just know - I 100% did this for the dog. AND, I've relished every minute he's been here to the point I think I may change my phone number and not let STBXH have the dog back.... Ok, that's probably extreme but seriously if he never came back for the dog I would not be calling him about it.
I know how you feel about the house and everything that you need to have done. I went out and purchased those little saucers and the tool to life up furniture. Once I got them, I was able to move my furniture any where I wanted to place it.
As for the ceiling, I hope you aren't planning to put new carpet in there until it is repaired. Go to your local Home Depot or Lowes or any such home improvement places and ask for references. They usually have people that can assist you at a cost. In fact, the workers may know people who will do it on the side for you at a much lower rate. If you purchase your carpet from such places, they can install it for you. Home Depot was far cheaper than Lowes when my sister had her carpet installed and they did an excellent job. You can also google home improvement sites and you'll find what you are looking for.
As for the triggers, I truly understand that they can put you back on the roller coaster. Feel them, cry if you need to and then release those feelings. You will get stronger each and every time you face those triggers.
Breathe! Get your ceiling done first. Carpet can wait just a little bit longer.
* I had a ceiling repair estimate done at the beginning of the year and had not heard back about a start date... turns out the guy no longer works there and they no longer have an office in my town.... TEARS....
* Of course I just want to reach out to someone I know I'm not supposed to (NOT STBXH) and ask for recommedations on a person for ceiling work... UGH....
Hi KitCat,
Deep breaths.
First, I'm sending you prayers and wishing you a Happy Birthday. I'll take a sip in your honor this weekend. I hope you make yourself a nice dinner and a dessert and treat yourself because you are worth it.
Second, you don't need STXBH or "Someone I know I'm not supposed to". Challenges provide us opportunities to show who we are. Strong KitCat, a Woman Only A Fool Would Leave, can solve this without a rescuer. Use your search engine, yellow pages, any friends, any social media followers, and website for references or people seeking jobs. For things like, "A person to move furniture", popular home improvement stores often have day laborers outside. Be safe. Check references. We want KitCat safe and happy.
As for the puppy - if I hadn't agreed STBXH would have found someone else. Its super unlikely he would have cancelled a trip to HI because I would not watch the dog. FRACK... its been nice to the fella back. The only good part about this crappy day.
This is typical enabler logic. "If I hadn't provided the heroin he would have got it from somewhere else." Yep, but your hands would be clean.
I know you like the dog. I know you wish things were different. But you aren't going to change things by watching his dog for him while he takes a trip to Hawaii with OW.
I get it.... but its not heroin... its a dog... and one could argue what if it were a child? Do you compare a child to heroin???
STBXH was going to HI with OW.... I did not enable him to go. He was going. He was trying to honor his agreement when he took the dog that I would be the one to pet sit.
Sure, I could have made the puppy suffer at a dog kennel for 2 weeks - then by your definition my hands would be clean but would that be fair to the puppy???
Just know - I 100% did this for the dog. AND, I've relished every minute he's been here to the point I think I may change my phone number and not let STBXH have the dog back.... Ok, that's probably extreme but seriously if he never came back for the dog I would not be calling him about it.
KC, your life, you get to make the decisions. Sorry if I upset you. I wasn't comparing the dog to heroin, I think deep down you know that.
As for the puppy - if I hadn't agreed STBXH would have found someone else. Its super unlikely he would have cancelled a trip to HI because I would not watch the dog. FRACK... its been nice to the fella back. The only good part about this crappy day.
This is typical enabler logic. "If I hadn't provided the heroin he would have got it from somewhere else." Yep, but your hands would be clean.
I know you like the dog. I know you wish things were different. But you aren't going to change things by watching his dog for him while he takes a trip to Hawaii with OW.
I get it.... but its not heroin... its a dog... and one could argue what if it were a child? Do you compare a child to heroin???
STBXH was going to HI with OW.... I did not enable him to go. He was going. He was trying to honor his agreement when he took the dog that I would be the one to pet sit.
Sure, I could have made the puppy suffer at a dog kennel for 2 weeks - then by your definition my hands would be clean but would that be fair to the puppy???
Just know - I 100% did this for the dog. AND, I've relished every minute he's been here to the point I think I may change my phone number and not let STBXH have the dog back.... Ok, that's probably extreme but seriously if he never came back for the dog I would not be calling him about it.
KC, your life, you get to make the decisions. Sorry if I upset you. I wasn't comparing the dog to heroin, I think deep down you know that.
You should at least own the fact that you did ---- why else would you have made a heroin analogy in reference to me watching the dog stating I was enabling him to go to by doing so as someone who would buy another heroin.
You could have easily said I was pain shopping by agreeing to watch the dog - okay... maybe you are right.
But you said I was enabling his trip to HI - like if I hadn't watched the dog he wouldn't be able to go OR if he did go to HI because someone else bought him "heroin" I would have clean hands.
If you could tell me 100% that you would refuse to have your D come stay with you because her mother was taking a trip out of town so that you were not enabling her mother to be able to go out of town then please stop referring me as enabling a heroin addict.
I see the dog as a beautiful living creature that I raised for the first 6mo of this life. Having him in my home is certainly a joy - perhaps bittersweet given the circumstance... BUT, I'm an empty nester and these two dogs are where my heart is currently. I will do anything for this dog even if it means breaking my own heart. I truly believe that you would have provided a safe place to stay for your D even though your heart might have broke a little because her mother was having away time with a new love. AND - I would never refer to the whole thing as you are supplying heroin to her mother.
^^^^It was a poor analogy. We all make mistakes but just own it rather than trying to act like you didn't do it.
KK,
If I could give you any advice it would be to trust the process and grieve the loss of your marriage and know that the dark times do not last forever.
If the pup means that much to you then treat it like it is a child and get some sort of shred custody.
Steve doesn't always use the best analogies but he means well.
My ex and I had to split our 2 dogs when we got divorced due to housing situations. Losing one of my dogs was devastating. So yes, I would watch the dog when the 3 of them or even the 2 of them took a trip. He was mine from start. And when they had to put him down last year, my ex called me to come over and say my goodbyes. I cried and held that dog. It was so hard. So I understand where you are coming from.
I do think you borrow lots of unnecessary pain otherwise. From a man who has caused you plenty of pain . Now you can free yourself of the pain, and you still chose not to. I honestly don’t know how someone deals with the abuse you suffered without IC. I think sometimes you don’t know how to live without the pain.
As far as the stuff on your plate..... it can be overwhelming at times, but you take everything one step at a time. Fight the immediate battles first, the other stuff can wait .
You should at least own the fact that you did ---- why else would you have made a heroin analogy in reference to me watching the dog stating I was enabling him to go to by doing so as someone who would buy another heroin.
You could have easily said I was pain shopping by agreeing to watch the dog - okay... maybe you are right.
But you said I was enabling his trip to HI - like if I hadn't watched the dog he wouldn't be able to go OR if he did go to HI because someone else bought him "heroin" I would have clean hands.
If you could tell me 100% that you would refuse to have your D come stay with you because her mother was taking a trip out of town so that you were not enabling her mother to be able to go out of town then please stop referring me as enabling a heroin addict.
I see the dog as a beautiful living creature that I raised for the first 6mo of this life. Having him in my home is certainly a joy - perhaps bittersweet given the circumstance... BUT, I'm an empty nester and these two dogs are where my heart is currently. I will do anything for this dog even if it means breaking my own heart. I truly believe that you would have provided a safe place to stay for your D even though your heart might have broke a little because her mother was having away time with a new love. AND - I would never refer to the whole thing as you are supplying heroin to her mother.
^^^^It was a poor analogy. We all make mistakes but just own it rather than trying to act like you didn't do it.
KC, I didn't compare the dog to heroin. You are entitled to your opinion on analogy, but I feel you are nitpicking something to redirect the discussion. Dogs are not children. Some treat them as such, fine. However, I don't think you'd allow your EX to take FULL CUSTODY of a child either. Yet you did with the dog. Is the dog analoguous to child or isn't it? If it is then why the heck would a mother give up custody of their child?!? (See, two can play this game.)
Whatever, you don't like he is Hawaii with his mistress, but yet you agreed to watch the dog while he went. Can't have it both ways.
As for my D, who I do not equate to a dog, I would never have agreed to anything less than 50/50 custody to being with!!!!
P.S. I've obviously warn out my welcome in your threads. Please know I hope for nothing but the best for you in the future! I question if you will have the internal introspection to do what you need to do to get there, but I surely hope from the bottom of my heart that you do. That is my prayer for you KC. You've come quite a ways but sometimes the last few miles of a journey are the hardest. I hope you find the inner peace you seek.
P.S. I've obviously warn out my welcome in your threads. Please know I hope for nothing but the best for you in the future! I question if you will have the internal introspection to do what you need to do to get there, but I surely hope from the bottom of my heart that you do. That is my prayer for you KC. You've come quite a ways but sometimes the last few miles of a journey are the hardest. I hope you find the inner peace you seek.
I know my thread is long - but I asked a year ago for shared custody of the dog.
The response was "how would that work" in an annoyed tone. AND, I get it. We live an hour apart. We both spent years schlepping kids from home to home an hour apart... its wears... ALOT. So why would we do this to a dog? So I understood his response and I did not have an answer. He reaction would have been to walk away from the dog all together and I was not at a place where I could devote to 2 dogs all the time.
THE COMPROMISE WAS - I would be the one to pet sit when he left town.
We were both honoring that agreement... in a modified shared custody way.
I have no doubt if there were kids involved the dog would have been going back and forth with the kids but that is not the case for us.
I've never said you've worn out your welcome on my thread - EVER.
I'm just saying you used a really poor analogy comparing petsitting for a shared dog to me giving STBXH heroin.
I weighed ALL the pros and cons when I had full custody of the dog what it would mean if I kept the dog or allowed STBXH to have the dog. It was NO EASY DECISION.
I would never truly compare a person to that of a dog... I was trying to make the point of comparing a dog to heroin... I think you get the jest of how inappropriate that was which was the point I was trying to make.
I'm not offended by most of what you write even when it comes across harshly but the analogy you presented was super far from the mark.
KK,
If I could give you any advice it would be to trust the process and grieve the loss of your marriage and know that the dark times do not last forever.
If the pup means that much to you then treat it like it is a child and get some sort of shred custody.
Steve doesn't always use the best analogies but he means well.
As I wrote earlier I had asked for shared custody a year ago.... but its a difficult thing to navigate and agreeing to let me pet sit when he was out of town was that compromise.
I'm doing my best to get through this mess. I have good days and bad and yesterday was a SH*TBAG of problems that just snowballed. Any one particular one would have been fine. 8 at the same time was a trainwreck.
I've already got someone trying to be a knight in shining armour and wants to come by the house to help with things... I'm just not ready to have someone like that at my house. He knows I'm only wanting friendship and I'm in no position to be dating right now.... He hopes by hanging around he gets to be in the number one position when I am ready to date... MAKES ME FEEL AWKWARD.
Taking a deep breath and just going back into my house to hide.
KK, you put yourself in some awkward positions. This guy is hanging around, he knows you only want friendship, but clearly he doesn’t, and it makes you feel awkward. You must have shared all your problems and frustrations with him and how he wants to help, but you don’t want him too.
I don’t understand your deal? What do you expect?!? Or do you just like the attention?
A lot of what you do does not align with what you say .
KK, you put yourself in some awkward positions. This guy is hanging around, he knows you only want friendship, but clearly he doesn’t, and it makes you feel awkward. You must have shared all your problems and frustrations with him and how he wants to help, but you don’t want him too.
I don’t understand your deal? What do you expect?!? Or do you just like the attention?
A lot of what you do does not align with what you say . It looks like game playing from here.
* I had a ceiling repair estimate done at the beginning of the year and had not heard back about a start date... turns out the guy no longer works there and they no longer have an office in my town.... TEARS....
* Of course I just want to reach out to someone I know I'm not supposed to (NOT STBXH) and ask for recommedations on a person for ceiling work... UGH....
Hi KitCat,
Deep breaths.
First, I'm sending you prayers and wishing you a Happy Birthday. I'll take a sip in your honor this weekend. I hope you make yourself a nice dinner and a dessert and treat yourself because you are worth it.
Second, you don't need STXBH or "Someone I know I'm not supposed to". Challenges provide us opportunities to show who we are. Strong KitCat, a Woman Only A Fool Would Leave, can solve this without a rescuer. Use your search engine, yellow pages, any friends, any social media followers, and website for references or people seeking jobs. For things like, "A person to move furniture", popular home improvement stores often have day laborers outside. Be safe. Check references. We want KitCat safe and happy.
Thanks CW...
I'm trying to look at all my options. And, also trying to keep this in my budget...
Some days I think I'm going to take half of my settlement in the D and just blow it on a Hellcat!!!!!
I hate the rough days.
KK, you put yourself in some awkward positions. This guy is hanging around, he knows you only want friendship, but clearly he doesn’t, and it makes you feel awkward. You must have shared all your problems and frustrations with him and how he wants to help, but you don’t want him too.
I don’t understand your deal? What do you expect?!? Or do you just like the attention?
A lot of what you do does not align with what you say .
He KNEW NOTHING of my situation. I've been very private. He did know that I was only separated and not D because I would not ever be dishonest. He talked so much during our dates that I didn't have the opportunity to say much of anything... LOL
We went out twice. And, then I said "hey, I'm realizing I should not be dating at this point and I'm going to take a time out until my D is final".
He asked to keep in touch and I didn't have a reason to say no. He keeps asking me out to do things and trying to make it friendly. I haven't actually gone out as friends at this point. I do no initiate contact but I will be friendly when he does ask to meet up or go out... I've been declining. He says he is not expecting anything and we are just friends.... IDK.
Last night in my exhausted frustration I mentioned the gutter issue and that my ceiling guy just disappeared... ONCE.
That was it.
This am I woke up to a text stating how he is in my area daily with a truck full of tools and he can fix nearly anything.
I then told him I really haven't had anyone at the house since my H left last year and I probably wasn't ready for that. Friends or not...
Last night in my exhausted frustration I mentioned the gutter issue and that my ceiling guy just disappeared... This am I woke up to a text stating how he is in my area daily with a truck full of tools and he can fix nearly anything.
Oh, KitCat.
((Hugs))
You called out for a rescuer. One appeared. You don't need a rescuer.
Hmmm. Pilot was never over? You were ready for him.
It's April 1st! I challenge you to totally stop interacting with Pilot, this guy, and anyone else on or from dating sites (Tinder, Bumble, Match, etc.) for <Your-Age> days. My 3-month break has been life-changing. You don't even have to burn bridges. "Hi, I'm taking a break from folks I met on dating sites. Talk when I return!"
No dates. No hookups. No rescues. Strong KitCat showing off her power!
Get over the hump. You have a problem--you break it into little pieces and solve it. You're lonely--be good company to yourself (music, food, etc.) or get social with others you'd never date due to gender or age.
Hmmm. Pilot was never over? You were ready for him.
????
I'm not sure what that means....
I have not contacted pilot in 6 weeks now...
It's April 1st! I challenge you to totally stop interacting with Pilot, this guy, and anyone else on or from dating sites (Tinder, Bumble, Match, etc.) for <Your-Age> days. My 3-month break has been life-changing. You don't even have to burn bridges. "Hi, I'm taking a break from folks I met on dating sites. Talk when I return!"
No dates. No hookups. No rescues. Strong KitCat showing off her power!
Get over the hump. You have a problem--you break it into little pieces and solve it. You're lonely--be good company to yourself (music, food, etc.) or get social with others you'd never date due to gender or age.
I thought I did DO that... but this guy keeps popping up as well as one other one.
I did meet someone on a dating site who I would not ever date... he is 10yr younger. He seems nice and fun. Can I be social with him since I would not ever date him due to the age difference?
Frankly, most of my interactions these days are just texts anyways... work is pretty busy.
It’s a dating site. People are there to date.
Someone can only keep popping up if you allow them to
It’s a dating site. People are there to date.
Someone can only keep popping up if you allow them to
True.... I guess I'm just WAY too soft. I just know how much it hurt me to be ghosted and I just want to make sure I'm not guilty of doing that to someone else....
I feel that if I keep putting them off enough they will eventually stop asking???
Thank goodness work is busy and I've got the puppy. No extra time to focus on anything but myself.
You don’t have to ghost someone. You can kindly say you aren’t ready to date and you apologize. And it’s much more unkind to just put someone off until they stop asking. It’s child’s games.
It’s also no fair to be on a dating site when you aren’t dating. People aren’t there for your amusement and void filling. That is what’s most unkind.
Make some female friends. I’m joining a female only hiking group. I realized you can find lots of local groups on FB. I signed up for a full moon nighttime guided kayak tour on the Hudson.
You knit, join a knitting club.
Leading guys on a dating site isn’t the only way to socialize you know......
Hi KitCat,
I read yesterday while I was on a summit and wanted to reply but it wasn't the time. :p
I just know how much it hurt me to be ghosted and I just want to make sure I'm not guilty of doing that to someone else....
Well, don't Ghost! The message I proposed, "Hi, I'm taking a break from folks I met on dating sites. Talk when I return!" tells them you're done talking, it's not about them, and you will reach out later. Kind and up-front.
If after communicating that--and no replies yourself--they text more than to acknowledge the message or check-in very occasionally, you know they aren't the type to respect boundaries. Red flag. Block them.
I feel that if I keep putting them off enough they will eventually stop asking???
No. Psychologically, intermittently rewarding them with responses is a turn-on. See Pavlov.
I guess I'm just WAY too soft.
It's soft, but in a way that's unkind to them, flattering to you. They joined the site to date. You then told them your roof woes and they offered a truck. They're continuing to work on you TO GET A DATE. If you know you don't want to date, then a clear message stating that and dropping communication is kindest. When you do want to date, "Hey guy! I enjoyed our two dates. I'd like another and see what happens."
I think you mentioned your ex had to work hard to get you, more than once. I wonder if part of you wants that, this is part of your dating ritual, that you need to feel they are trying so hard so you feel secure? I could be totally off-base on that last one! Just an idea to ponder.
I did meet someone on a dating site who I would not ever date... he is 10yr younger. He seems nice and fun. Can I be social with him since I would not ever date him due to the age difference?
Bad idea, feeding into the desire to be flattered.
As Ginger said, there are a gazillion ways to meet people that don't involve dating sites. For me, that's included existing connections, social media groups, and strava (a fitness app--may not be too helpful if you're not into fitness). There's also meetup. It's easy when you're not dating because it's okay if the group is full of 20-somethings or 50-somethings, male or female, married or single. In many groups there's even a stigma to heavily flirting with or asking out group members you don't know well.
You may not be willing to date him because he's 10yrs younger, but how did you match? On most sites, it's because they found you attractive. I get that feels good. Strong KitCat doesn't need that. She's a powerful, independent woman who doesn't need any ego boost or attention to fill some void. If she knows she's not interested because he's 10yrs younger, she closes the match and adjusts her filters.
I used to have narrow filters based on age and physical characteristics, but meeting great people IRL outside my filters has made me question if I really want to filter on "height" or would rather filter on values like loyalty, compassion, determination, and sexuality. If I'm attracted? If I feel good around them and they bring out the best in me? My "criteria" is a work in progress. We'll see!
You don’t have to ghost someone. You can kindly say you aren’t ready to date and you apologize. And it’s much more unkind to just put someone off until they stop asking. It’s child’s games.
It’s also no fair to be on a dating site when you aren’t dating. People aren’t there for your amusement and void filling. That is what’s most unkind.
I was very implicit AND told this man I was not in any position to be dating and I was taking some time to myself to focus on the divorce.
He was kind in return and said hey, we are not doing anything except getting to know each other. He seemed to have accepted it... but 2 weeks later popped back in and trying to stay in communication. Personally, I think he is just lonely as well and just wants adult companionship. I'm trying NOT to be mean. I'm kind as I can be and just don't accept.
I live in a very small town. There are no women's hike groups... no woman's knit groups. Its crazy how limited my area is.
Hi KitCat,
I think you mentioned your ex had to work hard to get you, more than once. I wonder if part of you wants that, this is part of your dating ritual, that you need to feel they are trying so hard so you feel secure? I could be totally off-base on that last one! Just an idea to ponder.
I was not interested in my STBXH... Our first date was only because I had tix to a concert during the week and I went through my entire friends list... he was the very last person I asked and he was so excited that I would date him he called in sick to work that night. If anyone knows my STBXH and in the 11yr that followed by H has never called in sick to work EVEN when he has been sick. So I learned over time that he really wanted to spend time with me.
It took a 3 months and a 3rd date before I fell for my H.
Same with pilot. He was nice enough on our first date... still nice on our second date... Honestly it was just nice to date someone from my small town. Most dates on the site are guys 45+min away. It wasn't until our third date that I fell for him... UGH.... and got stuck on him... (FACEPALM).
Anyway I'm not actively dating but I did meet up with a guy I had a date with - we've agreed we both have other things going on in our lives but we like being friendly. We just met up to walk our dogs. It was nice and there was no pressure. He doesn't contact that often - again nice.
Same with pilot. He was nice enough on our first date... still nice on our second date... Honestly it was just nice to date someone from my small town. Most dates on the site are guys 45+min away. It wasn't until our third date that I fell for him... UGH.... and got stuck on him... (FACEPALM)..
So let me go way out on a limb here with a wild guess... did sex happen on this third date where you inexplicably fell for him? Be honest! It might help to provide some much needed insight into what’s happened to you. It would very much explain why you got stuck on him.
Same with pilot. He was nice enough on our first date... still nice on our second date... Honestly it was just nice to date someone from my small town. Most dates on the site are guys 45+min away. It wasn't until our third date that I fell for him... UGH.... and got stuck on him... (FACEPALM)..
So let me go way out on a limb here with a wild guess... did sex happen on this third date where you inexplicably fell for him? Be honest! It might help to provide some much needed insight into what’s happened to you. It would very much explain why you got stuck on him.
NOPE.
I did not sleep with either my STBXH or pilot on the 3rd date (or before....)
So its been wonderful having the puppy again... I'm exhausted for sure but he is such a good boy. Rambunctious for sure. I know the other dog and I are definitely going to miss him.
The plan is to enjoy the next 72hr. While work has been crazy busy I have this weekend off so fingers crossed for good weather where I can walk both dogs and just enjoy being his nuttiness.
With that said I think I've handled these two weeks pretty well.
7 days into having the dog.. STBXH texted asking how the dog was... REALLY?? You are in HI on a dreamy vacation with her and you need to ask about the dog??? Let's face it I'm the most qualified pet sitter you could have - I can handle any and every pet problem that could possibly arise. And, if there was a pet emergency I would have informed him.
So I know it was just a reason to text... he has NEVER gone more than 9 days in over a year without some reason for contact.
Right or wrong rather than text I just sent 2 pictures of the puppy living his best life playing in a huge mud puddle out in the woods... AND, that was it.
Then 2 days later he texted me "happy birthday"... eh' no reason to reply to that.
Then 2 days later he texted - "was there anything I wanted from HI?" SERIOUSLY??? You are vacationing on your favorite place on earth with OW and you can't stop texting me?
I really wanted to be snarky and say "my husband, I'd like you to bring back my husband from HI"... when I was sharing that with a friend I could help but to be belly laughing out loud at that. What am I supposed to say???
Granted he may just want to bring me something nice for pet sitting for 2 weeks. I 100% did this for the dog AND not for him, but did save him over $1500 in boarding fees and provided much better care than he would have gotten. However, we were together for over a decade. He knows what I like and love for that matter. A silly Sea Turtle trinket would have made my day (he knows I love sea turtles.)
So what was the point in asking??? To remind me that he is living his best life in HI and I'm not???
I put on my big girl pants and realized that he just thinks we are the best of friends. I simply responded hours later "Kona coffee, lilikoi butter, and a dole whip". The latter is not remotely possible but an inside joke.
He responded with a meme and letting me know the Dole Whip didn't last to the car. He never sends memes. Why is trying to joke with me when he is supposed to be with her in a beautiful romantic location???
Anyway BOTTOM LINE - I don't care. It means nothing to me but it helps to journal out my thoughts and how I'm getting through things. I'm literally more focusing on doing things this weekend than the fact he keeps texting me while on vacation.
I just find it humorous... completely humorous because when we were in HI he was most certainly was not texting anyone else especially his ex. He was completely focused on me and the kids the entire time.
Maybe he just missed the dog and wanted to check in? A lot of people think of their dogs as children. If my mom was watching my kids while I was on vacation I’d ask how they are.
I think he was just being polite saying happy birthday.
Maybe just wanted to be friendly or bring you something for saving him $1500.
I don’t think he’s spending his vacation wondering about you or contacting you. I think he’s trying to be friends. Worse case he’s just rubbing it in your face he’s on a beautiful vacation and...well your not.
Hope you have a great rest of your time with both dogs and the weather holds out.
I really wanted to be snarky and say "my husband, I'd like you to bring back my husband from HI".
The same H who use to verbally and physically abuse you?
Maybe he just missed the dog and wanted to check in? A lot of people think of their dogs as children. If my mom was watching my kids while I was on vacation I’d ask how they are.
I think he was just being polite saying happy birthday.
Maybe just wanted to be friendly or bring you something for saving him $1500.
I don’t think he’s spending his vacation wondering about you or contacting you. I think he’s trying to be friends. Worse case he’s just rubbing it in your face he’s on a beautiful vacation and...well your not.
Hope you have a great rest of your time with both dogs and the weather holds out.
I hear what you are saying.
Its just in over the 10yr we've known each he NEVER was concerned about our dogs when we were on vaca and had a pet sitter and he was very attached to our lab at the time.
These are just observations.
Ultimately, after the joke I made with a friend when his text came through I haven't given anything any weight.
He will be here Monday for the dog. I will already have everything outside and waiting on him so our interaction will take less than 5 minutes.
When he dropped off the dog he drug everything out and it took like 40min when it should have taken less than 10min... and no he was not sad about leaving the dog. He wasn't paying attention to the dog during that 40min... and he tried to follow me into my house but I cut it short and said see ya and didn't let him inside.
Why don't you send him a text and ask him if he is having second thoughts? End all this pointless speculation.
I really wanted to be snarky and say "my husband, I'd like you to bring back my husband from HI".
The same H who use to verbally and physically abuse you?
I said I was being Snarky...
And no, I would take STBXH back unless he showed serious work and dedication to his issues/triggers.
I'm working on keeping my side of the street clean.
TBH I have seen and heard in our brief passings that he has acknowledged some of his issues and he is looking into addressing PTSD. That's a lot of progress for him.
I'm not a hateful person and I wish him the best.
Why don't you send him a text and ask him if he is having second thoughts? End all this pointless speculation.
Because I'm not interested in having that conversation.
Frankly, if it doesn't come from him it doesn't mean squat. And, I already posted that unless I see clear evidence on his part to work on his triggers - not interested.
That doesn't mean that I can't still lament and mourn the loss of my M or the H that he once was. Those are independent things.
That doesn't mean that I can't still lament and mourn the loss of my M or the H that he once was.
The one who choked you out and called you a fat a$$? Or before that?
That doesn't mean that I can't still lament and mourn the loss of my M or the H that he once was.
The one who choked you out and called you a fat a$$? Or before that?
Before that.... before stress an anger took over his life... and mine.
Please don't mistake my grieving over my H and M to be that I accept and gloss over the way he ended up treating me.
I look at my H and his issues as similar to an alcoholic or drug addict. You love the person but you don't love their behavior or their choices during that behavior. Alcoholics and drug addicts can change their lives for the better and I believe the same for those with anger issues. Its not easy... it takes hard work and expect there to be bumps in the road.
Just because I still love my H doesn't mean I'm sitting here pining for him.
There is a reason that the dog pick up will only take 5min versus the 40min he drug it out at drop off. I will be ready and everything will be packed up. It wont' take me 25min to disassemble the dog crate (and it really only needed 5min). I don't need to draw out any interactions with him.
I accept where things are at. I accept they may never change. I'm not waiting on him to get his crap together.
Hey KC. It’s been almost 2 weeks since you’ve updated. Everything going ok?
Not much going on....
I got the J and J Covid vaccine 2 weeks ago and had a horrendous reaction -severe pain throughout my body where I was unable to stand or walk, elevated heart rate for 48hr. I probably should have gone to the hospital - but I'm a stubborn girl.
STBXH picked up the puppy. I had everything ready. When he pulled in the driveway I opened the overhead door and let both dogs out. My dog readily greeted him - misses him a bit I'm sure. I let both dogs run about as he loaded up the truck. Small talk was limited to how did the puppy do, etc. I reported he did great and we had lots of fun. I told him thank you for letting him have him for the two weeks. Funny--- HE NEVER SAID THANK YOU FOR KEEPING HIM FOR TWO WEEK... lol. There was no eye contact. He started rambling on about something about his brother but I really didn't pay any attention to it.
I never asked how his vacation was OR what he did. He didn't say anything.
He reached in his pocket and pulled out an item for me that I requested when he texted from HI was there anything he could bring back. He talked about how he didn't even know what this was and then couldn't find it - happened to be at a trade market when he walked by and saw it. I kind of giggled internally that he had to go on a quest for me to find this and bring it home to me... I just said "oh thanks" and took it from him. He stated he was having the coffee shipped back so he would bring that later.
Once things were loaded he called the puppy who suddenly then ran right toward me in the opposite direction. STBXH corrected him and puppy turned and went to jump into the truck.
I turned and walked into the house and closed the overhead door without really saying good bye or waiting for him to drive away.
I miss the puppy.
He hasn't contracted me in over 12days - that's the longest he has ever gone in an entire year without contacting.
I'm trying to stay busy with household things, walking the dog, knitting. I meet a guy as friends every other week and we walk our dogs together. I won't lie I'm pretty lonely. I'm still bummed about never hearing anything from pilot.
It is what it is.... just me getting through the day.
I'm trying to stay busy with household things, walking the dog, knitting. I meet a guy as friends every other week and we walk our dogs together. I won't lie I'm pretty lonely. I'm still bummed about never hearing anything from pilot.
Hello KitKat,
May I ask about that lonely feeling? Have you worked out when you do.. and don't feel lonely (without dating or contacting men you've met from dating sites)? E.g., I feel bliss when I'm hiking and during certain other activities, peace and calm when I'm going to sleep. I went camping this weekend and--while my camping partner wasn't great--we both shared a (socially distanced) fire with three "strangers", who I now know quite a bit about and how to contact. I rarely am "alone" when I camp. I guess what I'm getting at is if you can work out what makes you feel lonely and not lonely maybe it will help guide your next steps.
The Great Gatsby (the book version, maybe the movie version with Indiana Jones or is it Spock?) reminds us while it's possible to be alone and not lonely, loneliness is possible in a crowd. I'm slowly reading the audiobook "Lonely City", an interesting work by an artist spending a year "alone" in NYC. The first (or second?) chapter is about the painting Nighthawks. Many great things come from lonely artists.
Anyway, write often. We're always keen to hear about your journey. ((hugs))
Always feel free to write us here even if it’s just to vent or journal
I’d guess he hasn’t contacted you because he doesn’t need to use you for anything. He will again eventually.
I don’t think he went on a quest. I think he probably did just happen upon the item and that really was his thank you.
Keep your head up!
I’d guess he hasn’t contacted you because he doesn’t need to use you for anything. He will again eventually.
This is true... but at some point the D will be final and there will be 100% no reason to have any contact. Thinking about that does leave me a little sad. IDK why. I go days without texts or calls and weeks without seeing him... its all good. But, it soooo hard to think about NEVER hearing anything at all EVER again. I'm not losing sleep over it by any means... just where my current thought process is so no one has to roast me over this.
I don’t think he went on a quest. I think he probably did just happen upon the item and that really was his thank you.
Keep your head up!
I guess my sarcasm did not bleed through - YES, I know this. It just the way he talked about as he handed the item over was like he searched high and he searched low and there it was... like the heavens opened up presenting my tiny request to him... seriously its a tiny 6oz jar of passion fruit curd. It was a nice gesture that he brought it back for me. That's all.
My son comes home from college in 2 more weeks so maybe the loneliness that is magnified by living in 2100sq ft house all alone will abate some. Our AAA baseball will begin playing a shortened season in 2 weeks and I've already bought tix to a game - we used to always go when the kids were little so I'm looking forward to that. I also booked a 5 day trip to Daytona in August right on the beach!!! I'm working hard to drop another 20lb and be superskinny!!! (that will be what I weighed in my 20's!!!) so I look super good going to a friend's son's wedding. So I've got focus and I've got goals... and I have court next week.
As for court - I've decided I'm not going (I'm not required too because I have atty). However my STBXH has to go because he has no legal representation. If STBXH asks I'm simply stating that its not my D, its his D and I'm not going to be there. My atty has EVERYTHING STBXH and I have agreed upon for our final decree and I'm just waiting for her to put it in writing... Its been over a month sent I sent everything to her.
He will have what he most desires very soon.
You know it’s interesting how people feel about their ex’s. My ex never physically or emotionally abused me and I have zero knowledge that she cheated on me though likely and I would absolutely love to never speak to her again. Why? Because she completely flipped my, kids, family and friends life upside down. I guess it depends on how much you value yourself.
It’s also interesting after the abuse and the cheating you still insist on it being his D. Sounds like you make have some things to work through.
Onward and upward KK.
It’s also interesting after the abuse and the cheating you still insist on it being his D. Sounds like you make have some things to work through.
Well LH I stated I did not want to get roasted.... as I was expressing my thoughts and emotions. I didn't say they were right... I said its where my head is at at the moment. I've got 10+yr to get through and they were not all bad.
Either way... this weekend I was sharing some stuff of my brother's and I got "is everything ok" text from him.
I wanted to say you mean outside of my H leaving me? Being stalked from a dating site? Having my heart broke after dating someone 2 1/2mo over a misunderstanding which I still can't make up for 2 months later? Yeah, everything is fine.
Instead I said "I'm good. I've had a great week. Hope you are well".
He followed up with "I'm well. You've been texting a lot so I was worried something was wrong"
I replied "I understand and you are right I have been"
I sent 3 texts about my youngest brother who is far far far from home. And then I sent 3 memes all of which I thought were funny and my STBXH would find them funny. IDK why I did this... I really don't... I mean sure go all out on my mental state and say I'm still trying to get his attention.
We have court in 2 days... maybe that's what has me doing dumb moves on my part.
Having my heart broke after dating someone 2 1/2mo over a misunderstanding which I still can't make up for 2 months later?
KK I was just dating a girl for 4 months who decided to go back to an ex boyfriend who reach out and I was fine the next day. Did it suck? Yep But why do you think I bounced back immediately? Because I did the work.
I sent 3 texts about my youngest brother who is far far far from home. And then I sent 3 memes all of which I thought were funny and my STBXH would find them funny. IDK why I did this... I really don't... I mean sure go all out on my mental state and say I'm still trying to get his attention.
Just be friends with him. There is nothing wrong with it.
Having my heart broke after dating someone 2 1/2mo over a misunderstanding which I still can't make up for 2 months later?
KK I was just dating a girl for 4 months who decided to go back to an ex boyfriend who reach out and I was fine the next day. Did it suck? Yep But why do you think I bounced back immediately? Because I did the work.
I've been on a date with a guy and never heard from him again and it didn't bother me in the least... I've had 2nd and 3rd dates and it just doesn't work up... not bothered. I've currently got a guy texting only every 2 weeks to meet up... whatever. I've had guys chase me down for dates only to then be like whatever... and I'm totally fine with whatever. Had a date yesterday and wasn't feeling it... so I cancelled the night before. Doesn't bother me.
All I can say is this one guy got under my skin.
It happens.
I will get through it. Its just gonna bite for the short term.
I sent 3 texts about my youngest brother who is far far far from home. And then I sent 3 memes all of which I thought were funny and my STBXH would find them funny. IDK why I did this... I really don't... I mean sure go all out on my mental state and say I'm still trying to get his attention.
Just be friends with him. There is nothing wrong with it.
I don't think that's what I want. I miss his friendship. But, I don't think I just want to be friends. Mostly because while he thinks we are... we really aren't. He can't be honest about anything - lies about living alone, lies about going on vaca alone... that's not somebody being your friend.
Maybe it will be better once the D is final.
I will get through it. Its just gonna bite for the short term.
No way you still be this busted up over 6 dates. Especially while you are still obsessed with your STBXH.
I don't think that's what I want. I miss his friendship. But, I don't think I just want to be friends. Mostly because while he thinks we are... we really aren't. He can't be honest about anything - lies about living alone, lies about going on vaca alone... that's not somebody being your friend.
OMG that's because you watch his dog and send him memes. That's what friends do! You are confusing him!
I will get through it. Its just gonna bite for the short term.
No way you still be this busted up over 6 dates. Especially while you are still obsessed with your STBXH.
I don't think that's what I want. I miss his friendship. But, I don't think I just want to be friends. Mostly because while he thinks we are... we really aren't. He can't be honest about anything - lies about living alone, lies about going on vaca alone... that's not somebody being your friend.
OMG that's because you watch his dog and send him memes. That's what friends do! You are confusing him!
Well for starters... I don't think you can judge me on who I'm attracted to and stuck on... it happens. It doesn't happen to me very often and when it does I do truly get stuck. Most guys can come and go and I'm like whatever. The last guy I got this stuck on was my STBXH. So I'm not going to feel bad about it especially if I recognize that I'm just stuck/fixated on this guy. Not in some obessive way - I'm not internet stalking him or showing up at his house... gross. No I'm just stuck on the small things... the smile, the way he said the word "sugar", how he showed up on time for every date and was already waiting at a table (It takes 3 dates before I let a guy pick me up), his stupid sense of humor.
It is what it is... it will pass...
UGH... I am NOT confusing him. He is biding his time till we are divorced. He feels he pacifies me and he doesn't have to L up... He wants the D to amicable so he doesn't have to feel bad. That's why he lies === we are not friends. I am a means to an end. And, I'm still struggling with the loss... still processing how things have to be the way they are. Its my timeline.
Well for starters... I don't think you can judge me on who I'm attracted to and stuck on... it happens. It doesn't happen to me very often and when it does I do truly get stuck. Most guys can come and go and I'm like whatever. The last guy I got this stuck on was my STBXH. So I'm not going to feel bad about it especially if I recognize that I'm just stuck/fixated on this guy.
If you don't fix this you will always be in a hold on tight fearful state and and send the next guy running too.
It is what it is... it will pass...
I am not so sure if you are still hung up after many months on 6 dates.
UGH... I don't want to be friends... but that is the lot I have created for myself.
Randomly Tuesday my STBXH texts me his new work email... Several hours later I just replied "ok thanks". The strange part is that he gave me his new work email address in January and we had a long discussion about the fact that they've partnered with a French company. I did not bring that up... I just rolled with it and moved on.
Wednesday was court. I thought he might contact prior to coming to town because he has done that before. I never intended on being there - I've got an atty.
Well 10min after court was supposed to have started I get a text from H "well that was pointless".
I just assumed that he drove an hour each way for a 10min court update. I don't know why but I called. He answered and it was then I found out that it was continued ---- apparently my atty is out due to death in family. I had NO idea and I said as such. If I had any idea I would have contacted him to prevent the unneeded trip. Seriously, my atty's assistant didn't even bother to email me or call. I felt bad. He said my atty was really dumb... I just agreed... I pay her to be the bad guy.
Then the next thing out of my mouth surprised me "are you hungry? do you want to get lunch?"... STBXH replied "I"m tired"... So I immediately say "well ok"... thinking whew I'm off the hook but STBXH follows up with "what did you have in mind". I said X or Y. He picked X and I met him there.
He was exhausted. He immediately asked me about work - stated I've been amazingly busy. We are up $30k this month from last year. I commented on his Harley Davidson Hawaiian shirt... he talked about running into a guy he hung out with on the island 25yr ago. He pulled out his phone and asked if S19 could fix the shattered camera. I said he should and I took a picture of the damage and texted S19 who then texted back 2 options for fix. When I told him the first option was $10 he couldn't hear me - so I looked directly at him, spoke slower and a tad louder. BOY, his hearing has gotten worse! He was surprised about the fix and had more questions. Frankly, I wish he would have just contacted S19 himself instead of making me the go between. But, I get it... shame and guilt.
.
There was lots of conversation. I asked if he was sleeping ok - he looked like crap and admitted they are not working 12's right now as they are down to 1/3 capacity. He said - No. Oh? He bought a house is a busy neighborhood in the middle of a bad area of town with an automotive shop across the street... neighbors have loud kids AND he's a day sleeper. Hmmm... just listened. Validated that was rough. Seriously, he griped and complained about how I live in a HOA and how stiffling it is to him. My lot is also wooded so there was no area for a garden here (but I helped him with his plots at the community garden.) I can guarantee its a whole lot quieter here than where he currently lives. Its so weird because I pictured him getting a home in the country... not in the middle of town.
He went on to say that he needed to get a white noise machine. I bought him one years ago to help counteract some of the routine day noise in the house... its still here. I didn't offer it... just said... hmmm...
He paid for lunch and when we walked out I started to go in the opposite direction and stated I had to go pay for the carpet I'm buying... oh, your getting carpet? Uhm, yes. AGAIN what I didn't say is that we talked a lot about this as I'm ripping up flooring when he dropped off the dog for his 2 weeks stay.
^^^That's all further proof that he is not interested in the conversations we do have... he forgets them. But I've known for years that he has serious memory issues when he is tired... so it could also be exhaustion. Doesn't matter.
He kept wanting me to know the next court date... IDK why because I'm not going.
Still trying to nice him back. That never works. Ever!
You’ll learn eventually.
Still trying to nice him back. That never works. Ever!
You’ll learn eventually.
I hear you.
At this point he's not ever coming back so being aloof, being nice, just getting through life with dignity and being able to live with myself is my goal.
Seriously, had I known my atty had cancelled court I would have informed him. I'm no b*tch. Truth- I owe him nothing but I've got a nasty subconscious that eats at me. I'm grateful that I did not know. Whether or not he believes me I don't give a rats butt. I'm living my truth.
Its a gorgeous day and while I worked this weekend and have a terrible medical case in the clinic with a grim prognosis on getting better - I'm off for a long drive. Audiobooks that drill into my head --- letting go and transforming myself back into the high value person before I started putting myself last on the list after my H and my children.
After 2hr I will arrive at S19 college - pack up about 50% of his stuff. Have lunch with alcoholic beverages (just me on the alcohol)... wish him luck on his finals and then drive 2hr home.
I took Friday off. I will be moving S19 home for the summer. Going out to a bar with live music that night... solo if need be though I'm trying to phone a friend for a duo act. Saturday will be going to the local state park for an event I miss EVERY year because it always falls on a work weekend... but not this year!!!!
I have a lot to be thankful for.
Actually asking to him to lunch is something that loses your dignity. You’ve been here a long time and seem to be making zero progress which is a shame.
Your GAL seems pretty strong so I guess that’s a positive.
I think you asked him to lunch as a last ditch Hail Mary so to speak. I think you were hoping going to court would wake him up and he wouldn’t want to get divorced and seeing you immediately afterwards might be the push to get him to come back. There’s no other reasonable explanation. You said you don’t wanna be friends, so that’s not the angle. You didn’t need to do any of that to maintain dignity or grace, so it can’t be that either.
My question is solely this....why can’t you be single? You are still trying to get your H to come back while missing the pilot whom you can’t forget months later after a few dates. I think you have codependency issues.
I think you’re gonna be stuck in this mind (bleep) of a situation until you get professional help. And no that’s not an insult and no that doesn’t make you weak.
You have justified being abused, justified your behavior with pilot, justified really everything that holds you back, and refuse to get professional help. Do you believe there is a some stigma to it? Like is someone or yourself going to call you crazy?
You need professional help. You really do and that’s not a bad thing. I’m so sorry you seem to think it is. Most people don’t have a bad experience and quit all together the way you have therapy. And it’s only hurting you while everyone else is moving on in your life.
Actually asking to him to lunch is something that loses your dignity. You’ve been here a long time and seem to be making zero progress which is a shame.
I don't agree with either statement.
Looking back I gained nothing from lunch... if I had to do that over I would not but I don't think I lost any dignity over it.
Also, I think I've made lots of progress. I have a lot more peace. I carried so much blame in the beginning. I'm not afraid to own my mistakes and if I had a do over would definitely do things differently. But, my H brought his share of sh*t to the meltdown and used me as his justification to do so... that I no longer accept.
I've also done a lot of self work. I'm not afraid to put my feelings and thoughts out there. Its real and its raw. Am I always right - far from it but I'm not afraid to use this as a way to work through what bogs me down. Could I do somethings differently? better? Perhaps. But I will not have my journey shamed...
Your GAL seems pretty strong so I guess that’s a positive.
That still needs some tweaking but I'm getting it there...