Link to previous thread.
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2912646&page=10Well, not much movement on the WW front. Everything is stagnant and sort of in "limbo" last thing I heard from WW was "I want to figure myself out, I dont want a relationship with anyone right now, I dont want a divorce either, your a great H and F but in the future, not right now" also "lets stay friends so we keep in touch and you dont fade away from my life, so maybe we can reconnect"
I am just working and trying to make my kids happy. Pretty much whatever comes out of her mouth is nonsense. She is spinnng, she wants to buy a car she cant afford, move into an apartment she cant afford, wants me to be a buddy and do family stuff with no commitment. Im just not digging that. Ive told her what I want, and then left it at that. She has been warming up to me little by little whenever I pull back. Its all part of her game to keep me attached, plan B, dopey mcgee.
I am still not detatched but I am trying. I could be trying harder, doing better. If im honest this is the hardest part for me.
If not totally obvious from my posts here. There is not a single person I confide in that tells me I have done anything other than my best and to just let go. Yet, I just cant seem to let go of this hope that if I just hang in there things will turn around. Here is what I am trying to accept: (Lets say that even if I get better at detatching and she does
"come around" it will be for the kids, for finances, for some stability or what have you, not because she is head over heels for me. I will continue moving on with my life looking over my shoulder and wondering when the next OM will rip her away or her next secret A that she doesnt leave me for is going on. I dont want to live that way, I know I got ZERO reason to stay with her, hold on, try, etc, just plain flat ZERO but I just cant seem to get it though my head. Its been 5 months since BD and her R with OM. (which ended about 2 weeks ago). Honestly thought when that fell through (knew it would) she would come running back to me (I did not detatch when she was with OM, so yeah prob why she didnt come running back to me).
honestly thats probably a good thing, she needs that time to "find herself" and not be forced into an R. The only thing I can do now is accept she needs to do her own thing without me in it, and I need to move on, give up my idea of keeping my M and family together. Day by day I get more hopeless for the M and more accepting of how gone she is. Im not detatched but I am slowly, inch by inch, working my way there.
My mistakes have been telling her "I dont want to be friends, im done" then doing something for her anyways. So I have learned instead of saying what im going to do/not do just....do it or dont. I kept making lines in the sand and not enforcing them. She has friend zoned me and I have let it happen. What I am working on now is doing my best to detach more each day, I cant control my feelings of sadness/etc but I can control how much or little I interact with her and I need to stop being afraid of not being "nice" it doesnt work anyways. Thats my big issue. So I see that and im working on it.
Blah blah blah I want a plan B.
Pull the plug!!!!
I know it's hard but keep telling yourself every day that you will get through this and you will the smart thing, not the thing you want.
Steve, what I struggle with is why you are willing to wait for R when she is just out looking for OM #7?
Also, can you add a year to your BD in your signature? It looks like it is 9/1/19, but you joined in March 2019, so that means BD was 9/1/18?
Forget that she is a serial cheater, how long are you willing to wait?
Yep believe me I am fighting that more and more. up until two weeks or so ago I was convinced standing for my M and just hanging in there was the right thing to do. Each day I got to sleep and wake up alone thinkng "why the hell am I doing this? Why am I allowing this? how have I become so damn weak.. its pathetic"... I am seeing it just not quite able to make a big solid push away. Ill get there im a bit better than I was.
There is a ton of other women who would be great, that I could be happy with. Im just not to the point of giving up on my M yet, I should be, and I dont know why, logically I get it, its bad, its real bad. But emotionally I cant let go of the "what could have been" even when reality keeps slapping me in the face. I will get there. I hope its soon.
9/1/20? But you joined the boards in March 2019??
Doesn't add up.
He mentioned a BD on Valentine's Day, 2019. He doesn't talk about that much--
I gave up drinking like that when my marriage fell apart valentines day 2019 and I haven't been drunk since then. It was a big deal to her to stop that, and I did, turned things around we were actually very "happy" until moving away from her family was getting closer, and after staying in the other room for months and playing a stupid pc game most of the day we drifted apart. I was waiting to move away and start over thinking things were good.
Ah yeah, I joined back when she had a long-distance A with this dude in Boston (we in CA). She went so far as to even fly out to see him and he flew to see her here. She changed her mind of course, proposed marriage to me, said she would never stray again and of course sep 2020 shes out the door once again.
Of course I blamed myself for not giving her enough attention and being too comfrotable with this new found "commitment" she had, getting the new home, all the serious stuff we were doing to "cement" this renewed thing and bam shes gone. Now shes not with anyone back at moms but doesnt want to come back to the M because she doesnt want to hurt me when she isnt for sure its what she wants. (in a way I can respect that).
My plan moving forward is to stop trying to draw this hard line "im done" and not enforcing it, the real plan I am actually doing is this.
Detatch more and more: (I did leave last time I went over there, she said I could stay, left anyways) not much but big for me.
Give her much less attention: Getting better and better but still too attached
Keep IC: I have been, not missing anything
GAL: taking kids out, talking to friends, doing stuff besides thinking of the M
thats the plan slow going but going.
He mentioned a previous BD on Valentine's Day, 2019. He doesn't talk about that much--
I gave up drinking like that when my marriage fell apart valentines day 2019 and I haven't been drunk since then. It was a big deal to her to stop that, and I did, turned things around we were actually very "happy" until moving away from her family was getting closer, and after staying in the other room for months and playing a stupid pc game most of the day we drifted apart. I was waiting to move away and start over thinking things were good.
Okay, Steve I would suggest:
BD1:2/14/2019
BD2:9/1/2020
Everything is stagnant and sort of in "limbo" last thing I heard from WW was "I want to figure myself out, I dont want a relationship with anyone right now, I dont want a divorce either, your a great H and F but in the future, not right now" also "lets stay friends so we keep in touch and you dont fade away from my life, so maybe we can reconnect"
Just curious Steve, does this not infuriate you? Just reading that pisses me off, how insulting of her to even say those words to you.
Now shes not with anyone back at moms but doesnt want to come back to the M because she doesnt want to hurt me when she isnt for sure its what she wants. (in a way I can respect that).
Do you actually believe this? Seriously?
She has hurt you repeatedly and has no problem doing it again. Your feelings are the very last thing she cares about.
She says she wants to be alone? I'd bet my mortgage payment she's talking to other men.
Everything is stagnant and sort of in "limbo" last thing I heard from WW was "I want to figure myself out, I dont want a relationship with anyone right now, I dont want a divorce either, your a great H and F but in the future, not right now" also "lets stay friends so we keep in touch and you dont fade away from my life, so maybe we can reconnect"
Just curious Steve, does this not infuriate you? Just reading that pisses me off, how insulting of her to even say those words to you.
Agreed! She’s walking all over you and then spitting on you!
Yes, based on the stories you've shared, her respect and care for you is at or near zero. Most people show more respect and care for their pizza delivery person or a bug on their wall.
Steve,
Wow I was going to say it’s good you keep coming back with all the 2x4s you’ve been hit with. I can’t even joke about you taking the abuse well. Trying to get you out of that from your marriage. I hope you D your wife for you and your kids’ sake. I’m not one to suggest that lightly but in your case, you can do so much better without her.
I was thinking, okay Steve will see it soon since what he says sounds good, He’s beginning to see the light and then I read your last few lines... smh.
Don’t go a week without this board or your IC is my suggestion. Hopefully one day someone will say something to you that will be at the right time and it’ll be that last straw you need to break free.
Where you appear to be at now and where you outta be, it’s like east and west. I still believe you’ll get there though. I only hope you don’t have to drag your kids thru hell with you...
Maybe think of it from this perspective, you know you’ve been conditioned to take the abuse and from it, you can handle a little more and a little more. This is what I see happening. You may not think the kids are affected as you are, but I’m sure many can object. My question is do you want your kids to be conditioned to this level of pain that you are going thru? What happens as they get older and find out mommy’s been with 6-7 other guys while daddy’s in IC Trying to cope with it. There is no empowerment. Do you want your kids to live as if they are trapped as if they have to accept that behavior from anyone else, cause in my eyes that’s what’s happening.
Also while on that note of think about the kids... I see people using that as an excuse to staying in a volatile relationship. They manipulate that to support their selfish ways. I know it’s hard to go the other way, trying to do what is right when our minds are foggy. I ask what do you want your kids to learn from this as they grow into adults..
Then before you answer that, ask yourself if you are naive to it, or if there could possibly be more to it that you should learn about and get advice on from experts. Question whether you are possibly making a mistake or doing the right thing and why. While I feel it is never too late to steer the ship right, the sooner, the better.
A married woman says she “doesn’t know if she wants a relationship right now “
What the AF?
I have a better idea. Give her Zero attention and divorce her . Before your kids learn it’s okay for mom to walk in and out of the marriage and see that dad has zero boundaries. You don’t want them growing up thinking this is normal behavior . That’s way scarier than growing up in 2 homes
A married woman says she “doesn’t know if she wants a relationship right now “
What the AF?
I have a better idea. Give her Zero attention and divorce her . Before your kids learn it’s okay for mom to walk in and out of the marriage and see that dad has zero boundaries. You don’t want them growing up thinking this is normal behavior . That’s way scarier than growing up in 2 homes
I agree 100%
Yep. I get it, I do.
I know this whole R is unhealthy, bad, hurting me, setting a bad example for the kids, just wrong. My logical mind understands this. My logical mine is pissed off that I even had to deal with this. But... my emotional side the one attached to the 11 years with her and the thought of a nuclear family just can’t accept it. This is my struggle. I know I don’t seem so but I am a pretty sharp guy, and actually not a weak guy I’m a leader, I’m respected it’s just in matters of the heart that I struggle so hard. Honestly I believe a lot of it has to do with not having a father around, being raised by my mom and her sort of training me on how to love. The feminism of men in this country, TV, movies, etc. in the military I had no issue putting somone down and sleeping at night. But I spent about 3 months with insomnia when my WW left me for OM. All the others were affairs that were short-lived, she never actually left, moved out and took the kids with her until this past one. That has been hard. It’s a feeling of loss, a hit to the ego, name it what you want. I absolutely logically understand this is totally F’d up. It’s my heart that just can’t accept it as what it is. I’m getting there, I went from feeling sad at this loss 24/7 to feeling pissed off im even taking this most of the time. I will reach a point where I’m just totally done. I will get there. Where my mind and heart align and my hope for my imagination of what she could be matches the reality of what she is. But for some reason I just cannot get there yet. I will try harder, I will commit to myself to stop all “feelings” and just deal with it. I do it a little more each day. I will get there. And I know my M is over it’s gone it’s bye bye it’s just accepting it now that’s hard.
We’re pulling for you, Steve. You deserve so much better than this.
Keep focusing on your codependency issues and therapy. And keep posting here, I think it will help keep you centered while you deal with all of this.
Steve, you don't have to not feel. You have to FULLY feel and go through the entire range of emotions and come out the other side. And you will, there is life after this. Trust me. I've been there before. You can look back at my threads and see where I was still emotionally attached and where I thought I needed my ex.
I got a ton of good guidance here and I came out of it a better man. A stronger person. You will too.
I will commit to myself to stop all “feelings” and just deal with it.
That can be a dark alley, Steve. You say you've been down it twice--drinking, getting lost in online games. How else do you "stop" your feelings? When you move on, you will feel a lot. Anger, Bargaining, Depression. Those sound less abstract when you live them. A good thing about moving on, is there's an end in sight--Acceptance. Unlike the roller coaster you're on now with your kids, which could loop indefinitely.
Exactly what joe said. You aren’t doing the feeling. You are avoiding the feelings. You don’t let yourself let go and feel the 5 stages grief. You are stuck in a cycle of awful feelings. You can have to stop all feelings. You have to work through then instead of staying where you are. You stopping feelings is not the answer. You need to let you logical mind chime in and help you deal with your feelings.
Take small steps. The first is stop engaging with her at all. Unless it’s logistics abou kids. Other than that. Cut the conversation. . Di e. Your logical mind can step right in there .
Part of the problem Steve is your %##%y W says things like right now and maybe in the future and that gets you stuck in the denial stage. That’s the only thing your brain concentrated on because it lessens the pain.
Even though your W has zero thoughts of following through. She has zero attraction for you and never will unless you make serious changes.
Steve,
I know the pain you are going through. This won't break you. Think of how much you've been through in this marriage already - you are stronger than you know. Tell yourself this every day.
Your heart is having a hard time accepting things, I totally get that. What worked for me is starting with a winning attitude/mindset. I made up my mind that I was not going to let my sitch keep me down. You may take a blow, but you get up and keep going. Next, I controlled my thoughts. If you haven't read the Stop Sign Technique in DR please do. I used that to stop negative thoughts and focused on positive, productive thoughts for every goal, task, or activity throughout my day. Then you control your actions. Do your the right thing and not the thing that you want b/c it is easy. Eventually, your emotions will come along.
Attitude, thoughts, actions, emotions - in that order. Again, it may seem tough right now, but I know you've been through tougher. You can do this.
For now I’m going to focus on the attachment issue I got and just try my hardest to stop. Drop the rope and just stop.
I am just hurting myself having hope and doing what I think “a good man would do” I’m tired of it. I’m just going to stop doing anything. Nothing has worked so I will just stop, lose interest, get off the stupid drama bus full of games. I’m sick of it. I keep saying to her I’m tired of this and doing it anyways. Time for talking is over, time for listening is over. I’m just done. There isn’t a damn thing I haven’t tried except legitimately giving up on my M so that’s what I’m going to do. Sure it will be hard but I need to just accept it already. I get it. I’ll get there. With our 10 year anniversary coming up in about 2 weeks and the fact we are still married doesn’t give me hope it actually pisses me off that I’m hanging around waiting for someone to change and care who doesn’t. That makes me feel weak, pathetic and less of a man. And that is what I’m focusing on, becoming more of a man not less. I need to stop letting this woman’s value of me determine my worth. I will try harder than ever to detach ASAP. I gotta face the fear and do it. I already lost a long time ago anyways, nothing to lose now.
May's reply from the last time you said this, with some great questions for you--
Hi Steve,
I'm sorry this is all happening. But I'm very, very confused. I've been reading along this whole time and I have lost count of how many times you've said basically what you just said above-- she said X, now I totally get it, I'm done. i'm going NC. It feels a bit like Groundhog Day.
Can you share some actions you'll take this time (different from before) that will help you break this cycle? Maybe it is time for parenting app that you can communicate through if necessary and you can block her number? How are you going to protect your children?
CW,
I’ve seen people deflect like this when they don’t even acknowledge people directly. They address each individual response with a blanket one.
There’s so much to work, I find it strange people can jump the gun to D to try and wake their spouse out of it and there are cases like these where D is best but the LBS is so lost. I don’t know how many times Steve is going to say people say he’s a good man he knows he’s a good man , just reeks of NGS.
Steve shouldn’t really give a flying f what others think of him and should focus on what is right. It sounds like to me his responses are to appease the forum. I hear you guys , yes I’ll drop the rope , I will do this or that ... like still trying to get approval. Overlapping layers of issues. Where is the work bing done? There’s all sorts of ways to slowly detach but he’s gotta want to do it even if he doesn’t like it or he’s gotta force himself hen he doesn’t want to. I know that’s hard...
There’s so many opportunities to Improve in so many ways. I like that Steve is n IC but there has to be implementation. What is the plan...???
She calls and blows up his phone, What’s the plan? She talks to him during dropping off and picking up the kids, how’s he going he to prepare himself to fight urges to want to speak to her. IMO that mental preparedness needs to be practiced ahead of time.
Yeah it feels like every thing Steve has done has been to try to get her to notice. Moving out of her parents into his own place. Helping her move out of OM's and into her parents. Etc.
Steve _, DBing never works of you're doing it for her benefit, to see if she takes note. WASs can spot manipulation at 100 yds, because they're masters of manipulation. It is like trying to out venom a cobra.
Until you truly drop the rope you'll continue to be stuck and not moving forward.
The difference now is that I've had a chance to see it for what it is. Unfortunately since I was unable to drop the rope and let go she had no reason to return to the M after OM failed. Now shes running wild knowing im in her back pocket. Each and every time I would try to distance myself she would immidiately blame me, I would say "im done" and she would say "wow I guess you changed your mind again" or "lets just get the divorce then" or whatever to manipulate me into not taking any action.
I see it now. its just a game. all it is there was 0% actual truth to any of it. Thats what is differnt, I got no choice now but to stop. its killing me not to.
Hi Steve,
What are some ACTIONS you'll take this time, different than last time? What do you think of using a parenting app and blocking her number to limit communication? How will you protect your kids from her?
Can you share some actions you'll take this time (different from before) that will help you break this cycle? Maybe it is time for parenting app that you can communicate through if necessary and you can block her number? How are you going to protect your children?
OMG. Steve. Just because you didn’t “drop the rope” isn’t the reason why she didn’t come back to the marriage after OW failed. It’s because she’s a sick messed up individual .
What has to do with you is the fact that you even wanted her to just come back to the marriage after OM failed.
In every situation you should imagine you are giving your son advice if he was a grown man in this situation. What would you say to hmm.
And like everyone keeps asking. What is your action plan to make sure you don’t get sucked back in? I still fear she says all the right things, you will right there with bells on. What are YOU doing to make sure you protect yourself from getting back in this absolute messy disaster?
That’s just it a CW. There is no actions for me to take anymore. Never was honestly it’s like Corey Wayne says “illusion of action” I always felt that if I did xyz enough it would make her see abc. Nope. Just made her see me as unable to let go and dependent.
I’m doing IC, I’m taking antidepressants. I’m being honest about what I’m thinking for once and not trying to cover it up. And I’m coming here and getting 2x4’s. That’s it. I have stopped all contacting her, I don’t do it for any reason at all. What I had been doing is when she contacts me I always answer, always call back, etc. that I will also stop doing. I figured if I was not contacting and she was it’s okay. No, it’s not. Because I just put stock into a convo that I shouldn’t be having. I felt like it would be “rude” to ignore her. But it’s not, it’s actually respectful to myself to stop putting effort into someone who doesn’t give a rats ass about you. So my plan is to do less and less each day and become less and less available.
Personally my only actions I can take is to find a hobby I can afford that I can do. That’s probably the next thing, I’m also going to try to see if I can work from home somewhere like an advice nurse so when I got the kids or in my off time I can make some good use of it besides Netflix, cleaning or exercising. Need something else to do as well.
I know it’s a challenge due to Covid, but I would recommend a men’s group for you.
There are NGS groups and I think there are some online as well. Also see if you can find any men’s groups on Meetup.
I hope this time is different but you aren't saying anything different than things you have said before. We'll see though.
I recommend getting into things you always wanted to while you were with your ex but wouldn't have been allowed. For me it was cooking meals that were ridiculously involved, and my motorcycle.. (god i love that thing).
Find who you are without her...or better yet, re-discover who you are without her. You may find you enjoy life better without all that dead weight of anxiety around your neck.
Steve,
It's going to be hard.
There are reasons for the 2x4s. Are you believing they aren't warranted? You haven't been hard enough on yourself so what else is there? You need structure in your life and your kids' lives. Welcome to the place to help you with that, where you can learn to regain some stability , some structure, some advice to put you on the right path, because from where I see it, you are attached at the hip with your WW whos is dragging everyone down with that sinking ship.
These 2x4s just tough love, if you will. Maybe I can draw a parallel here to help you put it into perspective that makes sense or not. Right now you're in the thick of it. Like your WW, she needs tough love. We are basically holding you accountable as you should hold your WW accountable for her actions. If something smells fishy or doesn't jive or makes sense, you get called out on it. You should be able to see thru your WW crap by now, call her out on it 100% of the time. She knows you, she knows exactly what she can get away with and she calls you out on it all the time. She knows she can still play games with you because you let her. That's also why people say to be careful in using what you get from here as tactics to getting her back, she can see thru that if its not genuine. The board also knows when something is off as well, so you get called out. I've seen people just as argumentative and defiant against the culture here on the boards, giving the proper 2x4s when needed. It's just people shooting it straight. There'll be people (LBS) rebelling just like their WW who don't want to face the truth. Well then now you get a feel for what it does to the other person to face that tough love. But this isn't harsh, not at all. I wonder if you can't take it, can you dish it? hmm..
A lot of people can't take the 2x4s, they will fight it. play the victim. Say they didnt sign up for this, all they wanted was help. They want it on their terms. I've read the stories of men coming here wanting the mittens on approach to coddling them and holding their hand while they've spent the last 1-2 years in bewilderment wondering what went wrong. They've gone to different ICs, they've been to several different support groups, they've dated several other women in the process, and they come here playing victim because they're the passionate, softy , sensitive type guy who always just wanted the family and a wife he can make happy. Don't be that guy.
Also, everyone here is here for a reason, we've all been down that road before. We empathize, sympathize, we grieve. We have people on both sides giving it to you straight and helping you, yes trying to help you if not get back to your old self, then to be reborn again a better person. The thing is you have to buy into DB as counter-intuitive as it may seem. The system can help save you and your kids, it won't save a marriage not like this. Maybe it will help you see things better for 2.0 somewhere down the road but not this one. It won't save your WW. Are you willing to lose it all, your w, the kids, and you because this can't last like it has forever. It'll either get worse or better. You can still decide to help make it get better as least for 2/3 of you.
Steve, you've said there is no more actions to take re: WW... you are so far from the truth. There are all the DB techniques to use. Do you have the DR book? Have you educated and acquainted yourself to switching your mindset from victim to survivor? How many times this week have you gone over Sandi's rules. Following those rules are actions. Actions that will GREATLY help your sitch. NC is only on of the main ones you should be using. Maybe I am misinterpreting what you really mean.. I think you really want to still save the MR so you are at your wits end and you feel like there is nothing to do. If you only really felt that way, it'll push you a little closer to acceptance and u can move on with the rest of the below easier.
REMEMBER GAL?? Get creative in finding something that is safe that you want to do. I was putting together puzzles in my off time from working out and spending time with the kids. I was enjoying my Friday evenings having a dinner salad by myself when I was reading books. I filled my drive in and from work with listening to pod casts. I broadened my interests to spiritual and to financial responsibility. I was putting into memory to not be passive aggressive with the W if we had a convo or just seeing her in passing with the IHS. I remembered to be calm. Short answers, upbeat. Aloof, dont linger. Dont be needy in her presence. Be strong. I bought into the the idea that I can't save my marriage but I can save me and my kids. I knew my marriage was dead and it was time to move on. I was able to accept it for what it was and gain some traction. There's a lot of little nuances, little things. Knowing or at least I thought I did when to say sorry or not saying sorry because it was weak, it'll fuel their self righteousness into saying they were right for blaming you. Most the time being quiet, listening, validating. Always always being mindful of will this help or hurt me now or in the long run. Is she being disrespectful, shoot it down. Do so with poise and being stern, like a man. Small things, have you been able to look her straight in the eyes without even faltering your words? Do you have self control with your words or know what you will say before you open your mouth? Or do you go full willy nilly? Have you identified your triggers? How are you handling those? What are you putting into place so that past slip ups wont happen again? Can you recall how many times you slipped up in the last two weeks and created action items for them? Alot of it will be self control.. work on your boundaries...
I'll go so far as to say this is what'll usually happen on a good day. You are in your right frame of mind. She texts. NP. You ignore, she texts again, you check, its not about the kids or that important. You ignore... She texts again and this time for whatever reason, she's hit the limit so you lose all self control. You get baited so you text back and then she says one of those oh so you decide to ignore me fine blah blah and u get hooked and say sorry, and it goes downhill from there. That's one example from a text. It can be filled in with any other scenario if it was a drop off with the kids to you finding out there is om#8. I bet when you do, you're going to go apesht. What if there is a drop offf with the kids and then there is om#8 right there? So how do you prevent that this time around? That little voice in your head? Bring him out. When he tells you dont do it, you listen. Keep him with you.
You can practice self control with the stop technique. You can jot down things to keep with you on how to respond. You can jog your memory with a to do list. You can get creative in areas you want to work on. You can stop playing the victim and learn now to be a survivor like right now. Are you going to spend the time to work on you to be better at handling these situations. You should be NC as much as you can, but when you do get together to discuss the kids, will you work on how you present yourself, how you say things, how you handle the situation?
The other post when you said your W manipulated you back into doing nothing every time. You know the saying, they can only do what we allow them to do. They can not, if we don't allow it.
It is painfully obvious that Steve wants his W back and his resignation to do nothing is still an attempt to win her back. To just sit back and let her run wild until she's done and comes back and does it again. It's sad. The only right thing to do in this sitch is to get the ball rolling on the divorce. For 3 reasons...
1) Steve's D is watching thinking this is normal behavior for a W and will follow in mom's footsteps.
2) Steve's S is watching thinking this is how marriage is and will follow in dad's footsteps and go through what he's going through now.
3) Steve seems to be a genuinely good guy that doesn't deserve to be eating all these $hit sandwiches his WW keeps feeding him. He deserves to be happy, and despite what he thinks, he will NEVER be happy with her. It just won't happen. Ever.
Stop being the martyr, Steve. You've fought long enough and put up a good fight. There is no shame in leaving this toxic relationship. If you're so worried about being the good guy and doing the right thing, get out of this relationship and stop subjecting yourself and your kids to this torture. You mention your military past. I wonder what kind of advice your military buddies would give you if you were sitting around with them and told them your W cheated on you 8 times and and basically told you to sit down and be a good boy while she plays GGW...
It is painfully obvious that Steve wants his W back and his resignation to do nothing is still an attempt to win her back. To just sit back and let her run wild until she's done and comes back and does it again. It's sad. The only right thing to do in this sitch is to get the ball rolling on the divorce. For 3 reasons...
1) Steve's D is watching thinking this is normal behavior for a W and will follow in mom's footsteps.
2) Steve's S is watching thinking this is how marriage is and will follow in dad's footsteps and go through what he's going through now.
3) Steve seems to be a genuinely good guy that doesn't deserve to be eating all these $hit sandwiches his WW keeps feeding him. He deserves to be happy, and despite what he thinks, he will NEVER be happy with her. It just won't happen. Ever.
Stop being the martyr, Steve. You've fought long enough and put up a good fight. There is no shame in leaving this toxic relationship. If you're so worried about being the good guy and doing the right thing, get out of this relationship and stop subjecting yourself and your kids to this torture. You mention your military past. I wonder what kind of advice your military buddies would give you if you were sitting around with them and told them your W cheated on you 8 times and and basically told you to sit down and be a good boy while she plays GGW...
AWESOME post! Steve, MBR has been in your shoes....you would do well to listen to this man.
Also: "To just sit back and let her run wild until she's done and comes back and does it again."
Steve that is a perfect description. That is what you do with a feral cat, not a wife.
Yep you guys are right. Each day that passes I get less and less attached, more and more angry about what Ive allowed myself to become. Its just legit bullsht now. I am tired of being weak and pathetic. I fight the urge to just say f-off the next time she reaches out. So I will just say nothing until the inevitable time she asks why im saying nothing and I have already decided my answer will be simple "sorry you feel that way, just dont have much to say anymore" and thats that.
I am going to start preparing myself for the D. Im not going to run down there and finish the paperwork but I wont be trying to talk her out of it. The next time she brings it up im just going to say "ok, no problem" and get it done. That simple. I am not going to be the one to end the marraige but I absolutely will not try to save it anymore. Her mother convinced me not to sign the papers a week ago. The next time my WW throws it in my face im going down and signing.
yall can disagree with that and tell me I need to march down there and do it myself, maybe I should but I am just not ready for that. I will however continue NC, I am doing well, been about 3 days where I have said minimum or nothing at all. Im happy with that. It will get easier. Believe it or not I really have reached a point where I feel 100% defeated and dont feel like trying to do anything to save this M. I wont lie and say I have given up hope it can change, I still have a little, im still attached to the idea. But I do see the reality more and more each day and I really am in my soul absolutely certain I have done enough and I am not putting any more effort into this. Thats where Im starting at today.
So, what’s the plan for when she says “I want to come back to the marriage?”
I am tired of being weak and pathetic.
You actions do not match your words.
So I will just say nothing until the inevitable time she asks why im saying nothing and I have already decided my answer will be simple "sorry you feel that way, just dont have much to say anymore" and thats that.
Just for reference if you are trying to validate you never tell someone you are sorry they feel that way. That is invalidation.
I am going to start preparing myself for the D.
What does that look like?
Im not going to run down there and finish the paperwork but I wont be trying to talk her out of it. The next time she brings it up im just going to say "ok, no problem" and get it done. That simple.
Sounds like more words.
I am not going to be the one to end the marraige but I absolutely will not try to save it anymore.
What does trying to save it look like to you?
Her mother convinced me not to sign the papers a week ago.
So you are also taking orders from her mother? Or is this just another excuse?
The next time my WW throws it in my face im going down and signing.
Sounds like more words
Believe it or not I really have reached a point where I feel 100% defeated and dont feel like trying to do anything to save this M.
What does trying to save it look like to you?
I wont lie and say I have given up hope it can change, I still have a little, im still attached to the idea.
uuuuummmmmm yeah we know Steve
But I do see the reality more and more each day and I really am in my soul absolutely certain I have done enough and I am not putting any more effort into this. Thats where Im starting at today.
Steve you can't save a marriage when the other person doesn't want it saved
I am sorry Steve but this is another one of your nonsensical posts.
I am just done doing the things an H would do. Answering the phone, being there for the kids on her days with them when things come up, being supportive, understanding all that crap. Im seriously done trying, I am done being pleasant and nice and falling for the same old BS. Believe me or not I dont care, I know I have reached that point now. Thought I had a bunch of times before and she pulled me back in. Not this time, im sick to my stomach when I see how I let my life get here because of her. Honestly talking about it just is useless, i am even done talking here for awhile, yes i get the 2x4's and people give that wonderful advice that they got from a book or whatever that is hard to take but easy to give yada yada I can sit here and do the same until Im blue in the face. only you know and really know when your done with the BS and the discussing it and the worrying about it. Im telling you guys im there, and im done. I dont even give a F anymore if I see her with the next OM, it wouldn't even surprise me, nothing she does will anymore.
The reason im so sure is simple. Feb 14th and 19th are big days for us, we met on V-day 2010 and married on feb 19th 2011. Here we are approaching the 10 year mark and all I can think is "what a mess, what a joke, what a waste of time, never should have had kids with this woman, i garuntee ill be spending our 10th W anniversary alone, my dumbass even took the day off a month ago in advance I got a real problem, i need to just stop"
be back to update in a week, Until then.
I am just done doing the things an H would do. Answering the phone, being there for the kids on her days with them when things come up, being supportive, understanding all that crap.
Steve you should take your kids whenever she makes them available yo you
I'm seriously done trying, I am done being pleasant and nice and falling for the same old BS. Believe me or not I don't care, I know I have reached that point now.
So that means you are going to be unpleasant and mean?
Thought I had a bunch of times before and she pulled me back in.
It's not her fault she sucked you back in Steve. That's on you buddy.
I don't even give a F anymore if I see her with the next OM, it wouldn't even surprise me, nothing she does will anymore.
Well I hope you are telling the truth for once because this 100% is going to happen at some point.
Steve we read books here to learn and grow so we don't end up in these kinds of situations again. We know this isn't easy but you haven't did one damn thing to try to even follow the process. I know you get frustrated with our advice but when every single time some one tells you what you are doing won't work it is time to look in the mirror my friend.
only you know and really know when your done with the BS and the discussing it and the worrying about it.
It's usually obvious within a short time from a person's actions.
get the 2x4's and people give that wonderful advice that they got from a book or whatever that is hard to take but easy to give yada yada I can sit here and do the same until Im blue in the face.
Hi Steve,
It's mostly advice we've lived or seen in other situations. I invite you to read the last 16 days of my situation. Blocked calls, texts, and social media--check. 7 mini-goals I'm taking action towards every day--check.
Our advice will not always be right for you. In another thread a poster heard the advice to do A, B, and C--but explained C (retaking the master bedroom) did not work for him because he wanted a room with a fireplace!
I re-posted May's paragraph of advice a few times. I will stop. As with posts about the harm to your kids, you've avoided the specifics a few times. To be clear, you don't have to make changes or reply. Do consider where your avoidance comes from. Does fear of conflict or not being judged a "good man" prevent you from facing where you may be going wrong and making changes that are actually good for you and your kids?
I'd love to see you succeed, Steve, let us know how we can help you take SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, timely) steps towards extricating yourself from this situation.
Steve,
Have you thought about using that day off to go to the courthouse and file D if you’re really done. I don’t think one soul would object to you D your WW. You have a week to fill out the court papers. You won’t need to do any of the work others have put in to progress in their sitch.
You sound amped up, let it cool down and if you’re inner voice and gut is telling you it’s time , don’t be scared. Don’t go doing that out of anger. It’s the logical and best thing to do. If you can see it from that angle, go for it.
I know it [censored] and there’s regret. Process those feelings and let them flow through. You got wonderful kids who look up to you. Let the anger subside. Then think about what is best for you and your kids. It takes a lot of courage. Be at peace Steve.
Typically I would agree that I’m “amped up” but I’m not. I would come here and post something that “im done” call some people and tell them I’m done, maybe post a meme up on my FB or something saying “I’m done” but no.. not this time. I actually am done. I have tried all there is to try. I have done all there is to do, I have been more than patient and more than kind. Nobody can accuse me otherwise. I got in good shape, I didn’t berate the WW for the affair, took care of my kids best I can and they are happy with me and love me. It’s all I can do. My WW got the lawyer when OM got his lawyer. All the stuff is signed and done. I was supposed to go down and sign a paper to save her the $425 dollar filing fee from the court now that we are seperate and “low income” she wants the divorce she can pay the $425. That’s what was stopping it from being actually filed. And I’m not going down there to make it easier for her. She can pay for it.
She is off galavanting, posting up pics of her new boobs in low cut tops and “living life” etc etc. all while the family and kids are like wtf.... and she lives with her mommy after her and the latest perfect OM failed. This person is F’d in the head my wife is gone. I do not call her, I don’t talk to her family, I don’t post [censored] on social media and I don’t look at hers. That started yesterday. I’m seriously just tired of it all. It will take some time before she sees it and quits the games. She will bask in the attention of other men for some time until one hurts her or wants too much and she wants back to daddy or.. one will convince her she can have a awesome life like the last one did and she wants to pay the $425 for the D. That’s the future and I want out of that future. So I am removing myself. Little by little day by day. I have talked and talked and tried and tried. It’s time for silence and to be reserved. That’s it. Like I said I could care less who believes me on these boards. I have read everything you said and it was hard but it did prepare me for this day where I’m just F’in over it. Thanks everyone. I will come back in a week and update but I doubt there will be much new.
I won’t be angry with her I won’t be anything I’ll just be indifferent because I am. Yes it took 5 months to get here and a whole bunch of unnecessary pain. But I have arrived.
"posting up pics of her new boobs in low cut tops and “living life” etc etc. all while the family and kids"
Please tell me you aren't still following her exploits on SM??!! Steve_, man you are too far down this path to be stuck where you are. I am sorry to be blunt, but you either have to get busy moving forward or you are going to remain stuck in your infinite loop. YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER YOU....so exercise it.
Like I said before, you've made progress. Moving out of her parents house and getting your own apartment was HUGE. But then you got stuck again because her and OM#6 ended up not lasting.
Read that again: OM#6!!! That is crazy. This woman is going through guys, yourself included, like a marathon runner through water. She never was, certainly is not now, and may NEVER BE marriage material. To be frank, I think she saw in you someone that she could do ANYTHING she wanted and you would still rescue her, help her, take her back. You say you are done. You say you have arrived. BUT, you cannot seem to come up with the answer to may's question about what that means you do differently starting right now?
Things like:
Get a coparenting app in place and ONLY communicate with her on that app.
Block her on your phone, on your SM, everywhere EXCEPT the coparenting app.
Go consult with a lawyer to find out what you need to do in order prepare to file for D. (Documentation, financial information, etc.)
Double-down on IC. Explain to your IC that your goal is to move on with your life and to stop being there for and waiting for a serial cheater.
Double-down on GAL. GAL like a madman. Make GAL your second most important priority only behind your kids.
Steve_ you continue to flounder because YOU say I am done, but then you do nothing towards being done. Be done, fine. But act done. Behave done. Do what you have to do in order to be done!!!
So yeah I don’t need to get a lawyer. It’s all done. Legally it’s handled.
I got my next ic tomorrow with a VA therapist it’s intensive outpatient (a step up)
I did not block all her social media because she calles me immature, dramatic and etc when i do that so to step that up I just don’t look at it anymore. I don’t need to delete it to stop myself from looking at it. I only guessed she is doing those things because that is what she has always done. I can’t go GAL as easy as some of you may think. But when I do I take my kids out, I go do stuff with them. The days I don’t have them I’m working 12 hours shifts at the psych crisis unit. It’s busy for me, money is tight to go adventure but I will begin to make more time for myself since I will be making zero time for WW. She is on her little “don’t care about me phase” where she won’t reach out for a few days then she will for something stupid. Usually for the kids. I know she’s out because my kids are not in school online as they should be. But I cannot control that. I am doing what I can do. And no more. That’s my over it. If that’s not enough for y’all that’s fine but for me it’s where I needed to be months ago at least I’m starting now. I won’t come back to rebuttal anymore of anyone’s 2x4s. I will be back In a week. And I’ll let you know how it’s been going. See y’all next Friday.
YOu don't block her on SM because she accuses YOU of being immature and dramatic? THAT'S RICH, LOL. SHe is a piece of work. So sleeping with other men is ok. But blocking her on SM is immature and dramatic. LOL
Though I am not sure what upsets me more. That she makes blocking her SM worse than her sleeping with other men.......OR you allowing anything that comes out of her mouth to inform what you do or don't do.
Steve_, if you are really done and have arrived then no matter what she says you'd do what is best for you. PERIOD.
Have a good weekend Steve_. I hope you realize that we all want nothing but the best for you.
Glad to hear you have therapy tomorrow. You should block her on social media. I have a feeling you won't/can't help yourself and if you aren't looking now you will. I think it helps you stay feeling connected to her. It honestly shouldn't matter what she calls you. That's her choice, it's your choice how you let it affect you and how you respond.
Trust me, I understand money being tight, but libraries, hikes, cards, boards games, parks, drives, cooking together are all cheap or free. If you would like more ideas for getting a life on the cheap or free, feel free to ask, I have loads more ideas, and I'm sure others can help there too.
Actually you can control whether your kids are attending school in person or online or whatever they are currently in. Contact the school, I'm sure they would be thrilled to hear their mother is making sure they are willfully truant.
I don't understand the enough for us all comment. It's not about us Steve, it's about you. I have a feeling you are used to be placated and coddled. The 2x4's aren't meant to insult you, they're meant to make you think, wake up, see the mistakes you continue to make over and over and over again. You behavior pattern is very predictable.
I don't want you to rebuttal anything I say. My response, nor was anyone's response on here to attack you or because we are bored and figured, heck..lets go be mean to Steve. It's because we all know how you feel, and no one wants anyone to feel the pain you are. Or how lost you are feeling. We are trying to get your to see the other side of the mountain you have to climb.
Good luck, and I look forward to whatever update you have in a week. I just hope it's not more of the same. But we will see. I'm just hoping at this point you don't disappear.
Steve, you are a grown man. You don’t block her because she will call you immature?!?
Well, THAT is immature . You make your decisions on what she thinks. Come on dude. She has 100% control over uou. Your posts still reek of “she she she” everything is about what she does and doesn’t do, what she feels, or what she feels or thinks.
I agree with Steve. What you ex has done has been awful, but the fact that you continue to let her control what you do or don’t do and you don’t make decisions for yourself is really what’s worrisome here.
It’s not about her anymore. She done and gone and should be whether or not she comes back begging for your forgiveness . You need to take control back of your life. Stop letting her control your life.
You appear to be completely spinning in all your posts saying the same things over and over. People keep trying to guide you on steps for an action plan to protect yourself, but you can’t answer. Your posts just keep mentioning “she ain’t coming back” your life is currently 100% controlled by her
Well this one is challenging.
Steve,
I believe in you. You got this. Just go dark and ignore her.
-Spiral
Just wanted to chime in and let you know we would love nothing more than to see you happy, Steve.
I remember in my sitch, the vets would call me on my issues. And I would get angry because this forum is about fixing marriages and bringing couples back together. I wanted to know how to fix my relationship so the pain the would end.
It wasn’t until after a few months on NC with my ex that I finally started to see things clearly. The vets could see what I couldn’t. My ex was never able or willing to change to make our relationship work. No matter how hard I tried, it didn’t matter.
Sometimes the best advice is the advice we do not want to hear. Because it doesn’t align with our end goal.
Steve, if your end goal is being happy, content, and at peace, put this woman in the rear view mirror and punch the gas.
I did not block all her social media because she
I'm proud of you for admitting what prevents you from blocking her is what she says/does and she still steers your actions. We know you're struggling. Being vulnerable about that is strong. This was a step towards loosening those reigns, so you no longer do/don't do a thing based on what she does/doesn't do.
We all wish you the best and want you to get yourself and life back
I know she’s out because my kids are not in school online as they should be. But I cannot control that.
Steve, as a teacher I can tell you you can absolutely do something about this. And you should. Your kids need you. Contact their school and find out what is going on and then document it. Document anything to do with your kids. I am absolutely NOT telling you to get into a fight over custody for petty reasons (not saying you would do it anyway), but you need to make sure that what's going on is in their best interests. They need as much stability as they can get right now, and you can help provide this. Their teachers should be happy to talk to you.
I know things are hard and I am so sorry. It [censored]. I am going through divorce myself and one day is better than the others. But the best remedy you can have is to empower yourself. Delete her SM. Caring what she thinks means you are still making decisions based on what's good for her or what she thinks about you. I think if you were honest, the only reason you are having a hard time is because she doesn't want you. And that can cause us to want to pursue if we don't have the ability to empower ourselves. Because she is not worth it. I can't imagine any men here that would think she seems like a great option. She sounds immature and unattractive.
You can do this. Take care of yourself. Remind yourself that you need to ask what's best for you and your mental health, as well as your kids. Forget her. This is the hardest part, but if you can break through it you will become so clear on this relationship.
My ww called tonight and I answered like a fool, tried to just listen. She went on about buying 1,000 shoes. And plans to do things in the future. I told her that’s a lot of money for shoes but I guess if your happy. She said “you can take me on a date on our anniversary” I said “a date?” I am not even sure what your doing. You do whatever you went act like you don’t care about me or know me and you don’t want to be with me but then ask for a date? I don’t understand. Then she got all pissy and started huffing and puffing. I told her I can’t keep doing this, these games it’s rediculous. Don’t call me unless it’s about the kids or an emergency. And I hung up on her. Apparently it pissed her off that I was ignoring her at the birthday party last nite for our brother in law. She wants to play the field, do as she wishes and have me as a backup plan. I won’t do that. I can’t do that anymore. It’s destroying me to hold out hope for someone to play with me. I told her how I felt, and what I wouldn’t take. Told her if you don’t want to be with me just leave me alone and stop the games. And I hung up. She texted me “FU” and that’s that. I feel a bit immature but also better. Maybe just put the final nail in the coffin but at least I stood up for myself to this woman. Go ahead and 2x4 me for answering the phone and so on but I needed to say it to her. I cant keep doing this. I never told her that I am done but I’ve told everyone else. Now she knows too. I got no reason to talk to her anymore. And it’s a weird relief.
My ww called tonight and I answered like a fool..
Glad you're still around and posting. The foolish bit, imho, is not blocking her calls, texts, and social media to get off the roller-coaster. Do read OceanGirl's message when you have a minute. Good luck!
Well it was supposed to be about the kids. It was to tell me they don’t have school the next two Mondays and it evolved into this other extra stuff. But I put my foot down. Told her I’m not here to listen that I’m not okay with being buddies. I told her not to be mad about it for the kids sake. She said “I’m not mad, your a sour patch right now you are sour but you will be sweet later” lol. Usually that is correct but this time She’s got another thing coming. See if I answer the phone again. If it’s not a text about the kids ain’t even looking at it. Just removed her from my social media. And I cancelled her car insurance under my USAA. Also cancelled my Disney plus and Netflix that she uses. She wants to believe I am still the soft attached loser. Well not anymore. Not after her telling me “I’m not trying to replace you just letting you suffer a little longer to learn your lesson” man that set me off. And strangely I don’t feel as bad as I thought I would for doing this finally. Yep yep don’t believe me it’s fine. I’ll come back next Sunday and update. It will be better I for me in the future I know it.
All talk and no action. Very unattractive behavior. We’ve had a few hard-headed LBHs on this board, but this is painful to follow. I wished I could say I’m as optimistic as Spiral, but if it keeps going like this, it’s not going to end well.
I don’t think I have ever seen as much disrespect by a WW to a LBS. “You can take me on a date”. Thank you your heinous.
Well it was supposed to be about the kids. It was to tell me they don’t have school the next two Mondays and it evolved into this other extra stuff. But I put my foot down. Told her I’m not here to listen that I’m not okay with being buddies. I told her not to be mad about it for the kids sake. She said “I’m not mad, your a sour patch right now you are sour but you will be sweet later” lol. Usually that is correct but this time She’s got another thing coming. See if I answer the phone again. If it’s not a text about the kids ain’t even looking at it. Just removed her from my social media. And I cancelled her car insurance under my USAA. Also cancelled my Disney plus and Netflix that she uses. She wants to believe I am still the soft attached loser. Well not anymore. Not after her telling me “I’m not trying to replace you just letting you suffer a little longer to learn your lesson” man that set me off. And strangely I don’t feel as bad as I thought I would for doing this finally. Yep yep don’t believe me it’s fine. I’ll come back next Sunday and update. It will be better I for me in the future I know it.
This is not a 2x4, but a reminder that your ACTIONS speak louder than your words. I like some of the follow ups you did with the accounts, etc. I also am confused because you say you had to say this to her, but I thought you had said things like this to her before in previous conversations? Am I not remembering correctly?
Also just another question, couldn't she have texted you about the kids school schedule? This is why we advise letting phonecalls go to voicemail. Steve, could it have been that you were hoping one more phone call would go your way as far as her saying the right things? Just a thought.
Look, I know this is a struggle. When my longtime on-again, off-again girlfriend would call me out of the blue there was always the sense of hope. "Maybe she'll say she loves me, can't live without me, wants to be with me and is breaking contact with whomever she is in a real R with right now!" The problem was that in the decades that she pulled my chain she did make that phonecall a couple of times. But her actions never followed her words. I learned that not answering the phone (and remember, this was before text, email, etc!) was my best course of action. If we are believing nothing they say and only half of what they do, then what good is a conversation with them?
Steve, you have struggled mightily and continue to do so. You've probably been the LBH that has gone the longest eating the most crap sandwiches from their WW that we've seen. My wish for you is to find your backbone when it comes to this serial cheating liar, so that you can move forward! It is painful to see you stuck like this, mainly because I can relate.
Hey Steve,
While there are some things you could have done differently in your last interaction with your WW, I’m going to give you props for hanging up on her and not taking her on a date.
I don’t think your sitch is one of just NGS. I think this woman has conditioned you over several years, gaslit you, and manipulated you into thinking her behavior while abhorrent, is acceptable. Those are tough chains to break.
I like that you are getting angry and I think you are slowly coming to grips that you are dealing with someone who isn’t just a WW, but a personality disordered woman. You simply cannot DB someone who isn’t healthy, and I think you are starting to see that.
Take the next step and go pitch black NC. Only communicate with this woman via email and I think you will notice your confidence will start to increase.
Be prepared for her next reach out, it’s coming.
Just removed her from my social media. And I cancelled her car insurance under my USAA. Also cancelled my Disney plus and Netflix that she uses.
Props, Steve! These are actions, especially removing her from your social media.
These 25 words collectively have twenty times the meaning of the other 525 words in yesterday's posts.
Got a gym membership yesterday, went and worked out was good. going again today.
Stopped by in-laws to drop off homework my daughter needed. WW and her family were sitting around eating cupcakes,
asked me to come in. I declined, left the truck running. MIL tried to tell me how the kids are not doing school, my WW isnt making them. I just said "that shouldnt be happening" and tried to leave. WW told her mom, he doesnt care mom in some attude type of voice.
She then walked to her car and proceeded to tell me how she plans to stay there when the IL's move to AZ like we planned and how she will take over the home. She then went on to say once they leave she wants me to move in. I said "if we are not together, why would I do that?" She got pissy again and said "I dont have the answer you need right now" I just said "its fine, im going to the gym now, ill see you later" she told me I looked good, gave me a big hug. I just left, I did my best to try to scram without being supremely rude to the IL's they are really good to me. I DO NOT text or call her and I dont answer her either.
On valentines I will do something with my kids. In other news I got a loan to consolidate my debt, it will save me $600 a month, will put me in a great position, rebuild my credit and ill be able to get some dental work done I want soon as well, finish a couple tattoos. I am not detatched but Im getting there a little more each day. Seeing the rotten person I called my W a little clearer each time. I will get there, and im working on it.
Got a gym membership yesterday, went and worked out was good. going again today.
Yay!! Keep it up!
Stopped by in-laws to drop off homework my daughter needed. WW and her family were sitting around eating cupcakes,
asked me to come in. I declined, left the truck running. MIL tried to tell me how the kids are not doing school, my WW isnt making them. I just said "that shouldnt be happening" and tried to leave. WW told her mom, he doesnt care mom in some attude type of voice.
This made my stomach hurt. Good for not engaging, much. I have 2 words I got from another place, they are "Cool. Wow. Bummer." I use them when someone is attempting to triangulate. I also use "Interesting" or "I see" when I really want to tell someone to blank off. Find something that works for you.
She then walked to her car and proceeded to tell me how she plans to stay there when the IL's move to AZ like we planned and how she will take over the home. She then went on to say once they leave she wants me to move in. I said "if we are not together, why would I do that?" She got pissy again and said "I dont have the answer you need right now" I just said "its fine, im going to the gym now, ill see you later" she told me I looked good, gave me a big hug. I just left, I did my best to try to scram without being supremely rude to the IL's they are really good to me. I DO NOT text or call her and I dont answer her either.
See above. Cool. Bummer. Wow. Interesting. Also, and I know I'm picking here, don't tell her where you are going. She is no longer on your list of people you share your life with. I have to go, and then go. Also, good to be sweet to the IL's. Even if they are stinkers (1 out of 4 of mine are a major stink pot) and I'm so sweet to him butter wouldn't melt in my mouth! You could also say "I hear you, but I have to run, feel free to email me any details you need to convey"
On valentines I will do something with my kids. In other news I got a loan to consolidate my debt, it will save me $600 a month, will put me in a great position, rebuild my credit and ill be able to get some dental work done I want soon as well, finish a couple tattoos. I am not detatched but Im getting there a little more each day. Seeing the rotten person I called my W a little clearer each time. I will get there, and im working on it.
You are getting there! It's a marathon. Keep up the great work!!
Got a gym membership yesterday, went and worked out was good. going again today.
Great! Going to the gym is action-oriented.
eating cupcakes, asked me to come in. I declined, MIL tried to tell me how the kids are not doing school, my WW isnt making them. I just said "that shouldnt be happening". WW told her mom, he doesnt care mom in some attude type of voice.. proceeded to tell me how she plans to stay there when the IL's move to AZ like we planned and how she will take over the home. She then went on to say once they leave she wants me to move in. I said "if we are not together, why would I do that?" She got pissy again and said "I dont have the answer you need right now" I just said "its fine, im going to the gym now, ill see you later" she told me I looked good, gave me a big hug.
I did my best to try to scram without being supremely rude to the IL's
Hmm.. most of the dialogue above was with your ex. Just strive to keep doing better next time, maybe 12 words instead of 48. "Take care" or "Good night" worked for me the past couple of weeks as polite things to say before closing and locking the door on my ex.
Note, your kids skipping school jeopardizes their future and is under your control. Many parents I know would take action if their ex stopped taking their kids to school. Expressing disapproval was maybe you trying to find your footing before taking concrete action?
I like this latest update. Best one you've given in a while Steve. Except for: feeling the need to stay longer for ILs, letting her hug you, and saying what you said to her about the house. But those are very little comparatively to your past interactions with this serial cheater.
So good job, keep working!
My ww called tonight and I answered like a fool, tried to just listen. She went on about buying 1,000 shoes. And plans to do things in the future. I told her that’s a lot of money for shoes but I guess if your happy. She said “you can take me on a date on our anniversary” I said “a date?” I am not even sure what your doing. You do whatever you went act like you don’t care about me or know me and you don’t want to be with me but then ask for a date? I don’t understand. Then she got all pissy and started huffing and puffing. I told her I can’t keep doing this, these games it’s rediculous. Don’t call me unless it’s about the kids or an emergency. And I hung up on her. Apparently it pissed her off that I was ignoring her at the birthday party last nite for our brother in law. She wants to play the field, do as she wishes and have me as a backup plan. I won’t do that. I can’t do that anymore. It’s destroying me to hold out hope for someone to play with me. I told her how I felt, and what I wouldn’t take. Told her if you don’t want to be with me just leave me alone and stop the games. And I hung up. She texted me “FU” and that’s that. I feel a bit immature but also better. Maybe just put the final nail in the coffin but at least I stood up for myself to this woman. Go ahead and 2x4 me for answering the phone and so on but I needed to say it to her. I cant keep doing this. I never told her that I am done but I’ve told everyone else. Now she knows too. I got no reason to talk to her anymore. And it’s a weird relief.
Steve, block your WW. Mine wasn't as venomous as yours but she said some awful things. Block her. Only use email about the kids.
And I cancelled her car insurance under my USAA. Also cancelled my Disney plus and Netflix that she uses.
Glad you're getting your finances taken care of. Not sure it's wise to remove her from your auto policy unless she has her own. That's what I was told. My WW had to get her own, then call our insurer to get her name removed.
It's a difficult process to go through when finances have been co mingled for years.
Finally snapped. Yep it happened.
WW brings me a rose and a card that says “I’ll love you husband” she wrote in it, “nobody understands me the way you do” she was supposed to be bringing the kids gifts. I felt bad so I got her something and snuck it into her car at work, flowers etc. she caught me and the kids doing it an laughed. I went back to the ILs house to put her key back and I noticed she had got cards and flowers from other dudes. I just said wow, wtf. Didn’t even confront her on it just left back to my place. Wow I felt super stupid. She calls me later and thanks me for the gift, told me her manager saw her “Ex husband” putting things in her car. 2 hours ago I was a good husband. She calls me for a check engine light on her car and I just was like, “what happened? The dudes sending you cards and flowers can’t fix your car?” She hung up on me. Lol. Then she texts me later with some matchmaking thing that shows her and me as her match and she writes “well he does tolerate my ass the most”. Dude I lost it. My kids are even pissed off at this point. I probably shouldn’t have but I sent her a text that said this.
“I am done, you come to my house with a I love you husband card and gifts for the kids and then you leave to LA, if you loved us where the F are you? You call when your boyfriend is a jerk and you miss me, when the kids are bad, when your car is broke but otherwise you call me your ex husband? Please I am dead serious leave me alone. Stop the games. She wants me to take her out for our anniversary for dinner and said if I don’t she will make plans I said I’m not going to. I’m so beyond sick of this. I shouldn’t have been so negative but I just got tired of this bullshiz. My son was so pissed he got a pair of scissors and cut her card she gave me In half. She has been telling her mother and everyone else she will come back to me “eventually” but for now she is having fun. Nope fuc all that. I told her please don’t come over, don’t call, don’t text. Email only from now on I’m sick of this.
And that was that.
This is hurting me, hurting my kids and hurting our family. And I keep tolerating it and being mr nice guy. Even her card and texts repeat how nice and forgiving I am. I just snapped. I am sick of being the mr get screwed over guy. I hope she really takes the hint and stops trying. I will not be interacting with her anymore at any level. Every time I do it just makes it worse. And she plays her games. F that.
Oh Steve.
Two weeks ago I posted this:
Hi Steve,
I'm sorry this is all happening. But I'm very, very confused. I've been reading along this whole time and I have lost count of how many times you've said basically what you just said above-- she said X, now I totally get it, I'm done. i'm going NC. It feels a bit like Groundhog Day.
Can you share some actions you'll take this time (different from before) that will help you break this cycle? Maybe it is time for parenting app that you can communicate through if necessary and you can block her number? How are you going to protect your children?
I'm just feeling so sad right now. Your kids are even more in the middle of this than they were before. It is just horrible to witness.
Can you and your IC come up with a plan for how you will break free of these unhealthy cycles? I think you need a sponsor like in AA. Is there someone you can call who can counsel you away from your impulses to engage? Can you post here more frequently like when you're tempted to say BUY HER FLOWERS people here can talk you off the ledge? Can you block her phone NOW? Tattoo STOP on your hand or make a stop sign your new phone screensaver?
A tiny part of me is wondering if this is all real.
I remember the first post of mine in your sitch. 7 affairs right?
You gotta get off this ride man. Then you have to figure out what compelled you to keep coming back and fix that or else this will be your life and your kids' lives. Will you be the one who breaks the negative cycle or the one who passed it down to the next generation?
I don't know why myself, or half the other people bother to reply to you Steve..
Same old, Same old.
Lots of words, and your actions say the opposite.
You didnt fell bad you didnt get her anything, you felt a glimmer of hope.. The hope that a serial cheating nut job of a wife may want you back.. You jumped at that chance involving your children in the process !
Sorry Steve, but IMO you are a pretty poor father. You are selfish and desperate. You act on emotion, in much the same way a WW does.. There is ZERO logic or rational to your decissions. God knows what your poor chidren must be thinking of this circus!.. I really do feel for them. You cannot control your WW selfish actions or what the kids see around her. You can be the bigger man and show them stability when with you.. You don't have the backbone to do that and involve them in this charade of FUBAR !
This is all becoming a bit of a joke, except when kids are involved, its not funny.
Agree with above.
Steve, pleas come back and tell us you have blocked her on all channels except email AND then initiate D.
If not I see no point in commenting anymore here.
Steve - you might want to consider inpatient therapy. You are addicted.
"I probably shouldn’t have but I sent her a text that said this.
“I am done, you come to my house with a I love you husband card and gifts for the kids and then you leave to LA, if you loved us where the F are you? You call when your boyfriend is a jerk and you miss me, when the kids are bad, when your car is broke but otherwise you call me your ex husband? Please I am dead serious leave me alone. Stop the games. "
Steve, why you do not come to the board before you take action is beyond me. We have tried and tried to get you to come here so we can give you guidance BEFORE you act.
The above text is too wordy. Imagine if you did this:
"Leave me alone. From now on use this coparenting app to communicate me ONLY about the kids."
AND THEN BLOCK HER CALLS AND TEXTS.
She doesn't listen to you. I wouldn't doubt if she has already called or text since you told her "Please don't". WHY ARE YOU SAYING PLEASE???
Sorry we've heard this before: "And that was that.
This is hurting me, hurting my kids and hurting our family. And I keep tolerating it and being mr nice guy. Even her card and texts repeat how nice and forgiving I am. I just snapped. I am sick of being the mr get screwed over guy. I hope she really takes the hint and stops trying. I will not be interacting with her anymore at any level. Every time I do it just makes it worse. And she plays her games. F that."
The next time she sends you a card or gift I expect you to spring into action again. She has you by the tail. And will continue to do so as long as you allow her.
"I AM REALLY DONE THIS TIME." are empty words because you've said this many times in your threads, and I would guess probably 100s of times in reality.
Steve, I really hope you will consider getting advice before reacting to her in the future.....but I doubt you will.
First you keep saying you’re legally covered. My lawyer didn’t/doesn’t want me saying very much to my ex unless I run it past her first. And the reasoning behind it is because my ex is similar to yours. Though even mine on occasion has moments of clarity and admits she’s screwed the kids up enough. You just skim over the legal issues and say you’re covered. You’re not. You’re gonna do something out of emotion that’s gonna cause you to lose your kids. And if that happens sorry Steve, there won’t be anyone around to say how wonderful and forgiving you are.
You keep saying your done. You’re never going back. You’ve learned your lesson. You disappear for a few days, come back with some bombastic story that shows your broken record of a relationship. You’re speeding at a light pole saying you’re gonna hit the breaks but expect the pole to get out of your way.
You’re not acting like a good father. Period. Maybe you where once upon a time, but allowing your kids to go through this is flat out disgusting. File for for divorce. Stop feeling bad for a trash can of a human and move on. Stop talking about her around your kids. Stop making life about her around your kids. Your kids are gonna grow up and think this is normal or ok.
Do you not have any family or friends that know the truth? How is anyone that’s supporting you saying this is ok? It’s not. It’s genuinely scary. And it’s not just your ex that’s acting scary. You fly off the handle at every interaction that doesn’t go your way. How can you keep falling over and over and over again for the same stuff? It’s mind numbing to see this.
I’m gonna give you some advice my father gave me that you obviously need to hear. You are the company you keep. What does that say about you Steve?
Steve, it’s time to grow up, accept reality, be an actual father (btw that doesn’t require you to married to her to be an actual father) and move the hades on.
I’m not sorry if this came off harsh. It disturbing as anything you are more than willing to put your kids through this because you’d rather continue to have these nightmare insane blow outs with a serial cheater who doesn’t give a rats @$$ about you than no contact at all.
I really don’t know what else to say. At this point I’m praying you’re just trolling everyone here because you’re bored or lying about 90% of this because you need attention. Because that would actually be better than what your poor kids are going through. What you as their father are allowing them to go through. Take some responsibility, your ex can only do what YOU allow her to do.
I felt bad so I got her something and snuck it into her car at work, flowers etc. she caught me and the kids doing it.. My son was so pissed he got a pair of scissors and cut her card she gave me In half.. This is hurting me, hurting my kids
Oh Steve, please block your ex and get more therapy a.s.a.p. YOUR behaviors keep putting you and your kids through trauma and difficulties. That's probably hard to see from where you are, easy to say "It's her!" and "They don't get it." You need space and support to get free of your trauma bond. For motivation read May's post, read Joseph's thread, and post here daily for support. Please--we care and want you better. (:
Unfortunately, this is going the way of Curtis and Wolfman. Definition of insanity.
Steve,
Only you know your breaking point. You're not there yet. I don't think you want to believe it's over. You still have hope but it will prolong your misery.
Your WW needs shock and awe. Dump her sorry ass and cut off all contact.
Steve,
I wanted to add, please don't get to the point where you're so broken hearted and grief stricken that you can barely function. You don't have to hit rock bottom to see what everyone else sees. You need to be strong for your kids. Have a take charge mentality.
I almost got to that point last year but I have a strong enough constitution where I realized I could only control myself and not WW. I have kids so I have to be strong for them. They keep me going but I also realize I have to take care of myself.
I was in an IHS for 14 months - it is soul crushing - somehow I didn't go under and although the atmosphere in the house was toxic I managed to stay strong - but it did affect me, which in turn affected my kids. Unfortunately it's impossibly to keep a completely straight face when WW is leaving the house to sleep with OM and then comes home the next day and acts like nothing is wrong in front of me and my kids.
Blocked her phone number today, went to the L office and met the Paralegal he has and signed the papers too. She is dead to me. I don’t know her. She is a sick person that started to make me thing I’m going crazy. I cannot do this. I got too much I dealt with to be doing this.we will be D’d in a few months. I figured I better do it now before she changes her mind and wants more stuff. Before the real nastiness begins since I stopped being pathetic. She ain’t said a word since then neither have I and I aim to keep it that way. Tbh I feel relieved that I don’t gotta deal with it. It’s so f’d up. I keep feeling like I’m giving up but she is the one that gave up. I gotta remind myself of that.
Good move, Steve.
Now start mentally prepping yourself. She will respond to this by either being really nice and try to lure you with sex, a new marriage with a clean slate, or she will go scorched earth and threaten to take the kids and take you for all you're worth.
Now is the time to protect yourself and your kids. Document everything and ONLY communicate with her via email or court appointed app! She will do everything in her power to manipulate you.
Cheering you on, Steve. A new life awaits you once you get past this dumpster fire.
Blocked her phone number today, went to the L office and met the Paralegal he has and signed the papers too.
Great, Steve! Those are actions and likely to help you detach. We/you shouldn't hear anything more, then, about her texting you you, calling you, or posting on Facebook (or vice-versa). As Thorton said, next is to prepare yourself for how you will resist her stepping up the manipulation--he gave 3 likely strategies. Remember you can post here for advice when you're considering actions. Good luck!
The only thing I did was sent a follow up email the next day regarding the anniversary dinner and just declined it. Let her know that I won’t be celebrating this year. That was it. I don’t believe she will make any attempts to reconcile those have all been me anyways and the scorched earth thing shouldn’t be too likely either since she already went through the F you phase. It might happen but hopefully it will just flicker out uneventfully and she will just find someone else’s like to ruin. I’ll let you guys know if anything changes but besides email there is no communication and she has yet to email me. It seems like she gets it.
The only thing I did was sent a follow up email the next day regarding the anniversary dinner and just declined it. Let her know that I won’t be celebrating this year. That was it.
How was that child related ?- pointless interaction.. You wanting to make a statement ( thats she has heard 20 times before ) - "I'm done" - Yeah right.. Until next week.
I don’t believe she will make any attempts to reconcile those have all been me anyways
Plan B Steve - You are and always have been Mr Plan B.. You expect that to change ? You have shown nothing but persuit in the past few months. You expect an email will change thing ?
and the scorched earth thing shouldn’t be too likely either since she already went through the F you phase. It might happen but hopefully it will just flicker out uneventfully and she will just find someone else’s like to ruin.
Still thinking with emotion... ooooh she said F you. Do you really believe that will be the end of it. Your WW is probably the nastiest WW i have ever read about, and you think thats it. A quick email declining a dinner will make her just go away ?
Steve, i don't believe you are trolling us, but i do believe you are either not too bright, or totally and utterly consumed by emotions when it comes to your WW... Like a heroin addict who will lie, cheat, steal and even Kill for their fix, you are acting in the same way - your brain is not processing logic.
You sending this email is JUST the beginning.
Your WW will crank it up 10 fold. She is a master at manipulation. Do you really believe this will stop because Steve_ sends an email ??? Seriously - i can garantee you this - 100% of the people who post here will not believe thats the end of it / no scorched earth...
Bolt in - the rides just beginning Steve_
I suggest your read Josephs thread.. Or Curtis's million posts. Both had WW that tried to worm their way back in...
Then look how a real man deals with it vs a weak man - On one hand you have Joseph, who is a great example ( and i gave joseph a lot of tough love, but he walked the right path ) of coming out on top and then look a Curtis.. You can make your own mind up on how you want to come out of this - A Joseph or a Curtis ! - Or at your current rate, worse than a Curtis !
Re emails... Kids only - Kid logistics.
Anything else - ignore..
Quit with the interaction.. Its weak.. You are weak. Man up and start walking with your head up !
Finally Steve! Good job. But yeah, this is just the beginning.
Brace yourself, prepare, shelter you kids and show them love!
As CW said, please come here and post about things before taking action.
The only thing I did was sent a follow up email the next day regarding the anniversary dinner and just declined it. Let her know that I won’t be celebrating this year. That was it. I don’t believe she will make any attempts to reconcile those have all been me anyways and the scorched earth thing shouldn’t be too likely either since she already went through the F you phase. It might happen but hopefully it will just flicker out uneventfully and she will just find someone else’s like to ruin. I’ll let you guys know if anything changes but besides email there is no communication and she has yet to email me. It seems like she gets it.
Steve_
Do you really think she is done?
My brother ended up marrying a girl that was less than attractive. It isn't that she is unattractive, but compared to some of the stunners that he dated she wasn't gorgeous like they were. I can think of 2-3 absolute knockouts he dated, before he dated and ended up marrying his wife. But looking back on the years since they've been married, I know why he married her. Because she was absolutely crazy about him, would attempt to swim an ocean for him, would fjord rivers for him, would climb mountains for him. He saw a willingness in her to please him to the point of almost spoiling him. She does everything in their R, he does very little.
I think your STBXW was like that. She saw something in you that would allow her to go out and do whatever she wanted, but still come home and play house. That she could have the stability and family with you, but then she could go be wayward with anyone else she wanted, and if she came home and said the right things she'd still have her faithful H and kids to fall back on. Most of us come here because our once loving and committed W is now wayward. Wayward is who your W is. And there are 7 affairs in your short time together to prove that theory.
So will you continue to let her run roughshod over you? I hope not. Will you continue to fall for her words and spring into action as her loving and committed H? I hope not. You seem to be saying some good things this time. But you also say some alarming things. Things like it feels like YOU are giving up? YEAH, giving up getting your junk kicked in by a mule! You say you think she "gets" that you are done. But to her this will blow over like it has 100s of times before. She is letting you cool down over finding her treasure trover of Valentine's Day gifts from her OM, and then she will start writing and saying sweet words to make you think that despite the 100s of times nothing changed, that this time will be different.
Trust us, including those that have posted this warning above, this is not over for her. The further and faster you run the other way, the harder she will try to convince you that this time she is really coming home. Do not discount that. Just like I told you with my ex-GF, when she really feared that this time I was really moving on is when she would dangle sex in front of me as a way of trying to lure me back. Your W is going to pull out all of the stops.
What my hope for you is that this time you SEE it for what it REALLY is: her trying to have her cake and eat it too. That this time you will say "I don't care WHAT she does, says, etc, THIS IS OVER!" That is what I had to do with my ex-GF. I had to decide in my own mind that her and I were not an option...not because of her and her choices, but because I HAD DECIDED she was not an option. This is what we've tried to get you to see dozens of times, that it is within Steve_'s power to say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! She has had a gazillion chances! I can walk away from this woman and never look back with a single regret!" I truly hope you are there. I fear you are not. I fear that as soon as the emotions calm down, she will come to you with sweet words and promises and that you will cave like paper chair under the weight of sumo wrestler. I pray that this time is different.
Steve_, do not go silent on us. Make a commitment to post multiple times a day about your thoughts, your feelings, etc. We expect you to be up and down. To be resolved and to be afraid of the decision you are making. That is part of the process. Posting here, doubling down on your IC, continuing to read self-improvement books are all ways to get you through that. When you don't post for several days I know what is going on: after a couple of days you forget all of the wisdom and encouragement to do what is right for you. Your mind starts listening to your heart about hoping she will see how much you love her and that it will change her. After a little more time goes by you start to romanticize about how when she wasn't cheating on you 7 times, that things were so great. And that if you give up on her than you will always look back with regrets. About this time is when she sends a text or email with the goal of giving you the false hope that suddenly you have opened yourself up to. At first you respond snarky, but then as she continues to amp up the ILYs and telling you what a great H you are, your resolve collapses like a adobe house in a 7 point earthquake. You start planning a get together, or having her over to have family time with the kids. You make a ton of mistakes that lets you fully reattach to her.......and when she realizes that you are still on the hook she pulls the rug out from under you somehow and you race back here to tell us the story and how this time you are really done.
So commit to posting her 2-3 times a day.......tells us about the emails she sends. Tells us when she does something at dropoffs and pickups. Let us help you. And get off the crazy train that continues to go around in the same loop over and over again.
I don’t believe she will make any attempts to reconcile those have all been me anyways and the scorched earth thing shouldn’t be too likely either since she already went through the F you phase. It might happen but hopefully it will just flicker out uneventfully and she will just find someone else’s like to ruin. I’ll let you guys know if anything changes but besides email there is no communication and she has yet to email me. It seems like she gets it.
Hi Steve_, it's obvious to us she's going to try to get your attention again, and you will probably react. She's a manipulator, and she's easily manipulated you. Cutting off calls, texts, and e-mails reduces her tools, but there are other ways. Prepare how you will respond. Do the self-work to actually detach (which is more difficult than saying "She is dead to me.) Post daily and when you're considering taking action to keep yourself accountable and prevent emotionally reacting. Consider all the advice you receive. Good luck!
Hi Steve_, 3 days without replies or updates. I hope you have not fallen off the wagon! Daily updates and replies can help keep you on-track and accountable. Wishing you well going into the weekend!
Gotta wrap up this thread, decided to be smart this time and come here for advice before I do anything stupid. Will post current sitch on new thread.
New Thread:
Steve_letting go part 3.