https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...amp;Number=2912771&nt=10&page=11Ginger - I'm not sure if I'm looking to fill a void or not. I do know that I can be a lot of fun and I'll be right up front with that. I'm here to have fun, not looking for anything serious right now.
Ovrrnbw - Fair. I actually like your take. I've had two LTR's in my life. I can't remember how the first one ended, but I do remember that she came back twice and each time I wasn't interested, I had moved on. I guess I'm trying to feel that feeling and its getting close. In the sense that I'm looking to her for closure that could come one of two ways. The first, I spend time with her and I don't feel for her anymore. The second would simply be that I feel she has no feelings for me at all. I'm close on both accounts. I recognize that those here think I'm nuts - she has shown nothing that implies she has feeling for me - and you're 95% right. But there is this 5%; I want to close out that 5%.
If anyone has read up on Enneagram 3's, which I am, we tend to struggle to feel our own emotions as we tend to feel and take on everyone else's. We tend to create the image that other people want to see and struggle to be who WE are. Both of these things will be a lifetime struggle for me but over the past year I've at least become aware of them.
Overrnbw, I can control my reactions to my emotions - possibly all too well. Through my whole life people have told me that they don't think I have emotions. So I'll feel whatever I feel and I'll stay cool in the moments.
An I love that line "I don't think God or Nature intended on you following her lead." - Where has Overrnbw been? First time I think I've ever heard from you - that's strong right there.
And I know you are conning yourself into the "But, I would like to find a couple of women to be able to go out with from time to time." viewpoint. That is crap. The truth is that you have a few things going on underneath. First, you want to find your value and validation in being desired by other women. Second, you are afraid to be alone. Third, you want to show that low-down, no-good WAW just how quickly you can rebound with other prospects. And fourth, you think you have to have sex.
Haha. This was good Steve. We do disagree on dating though. When I was younger I thought that dating was to find a spouse. I'm not sure I'll look at it that way again. My worldview is evolving. And in regards to your four points: You could be 100% right on the first one. The second one, I'm not afraid to be alone, I just don't want to be alone when I don't want to be. I have no fear related to being alone whatsoever. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. Again, this could change a lot as the weather changes and I expect it to. In regards to 3, not really - but I do think that dating would impact my confidence and the way I hold myself, which would be seen - but I really don't care what she thinks in regards to this. And in regards to four I have proven I don't need sex, I wouldn't mind it, but its not a need.
That takes me back to something Ginger said. I will not date anyone that doesn't meet my standards, and my standards are high. I'm not just going out and trying to be with anyone, if I'm going to be with someone they need to be a professional, very attractive, fun, intelligent, and fit. I will not bend on my standards.
LH: Where you been? I'd been curious to hear from you. I agree with you. Women say they want a relationship, but I can be honest, tell them where I am, and from there I believe it is up to them. My friends whose wives came back, all of them had moved on and all of them had dated other women, even if their wife didn't know about it.
Anyhow, it will be interesting. The key on this is definitely honesty if I meet someone.
R2C: I completely agree, a part of the process is learning to interact with women again. I have to figure that out.
Do you understand your role in the breakdown of your marriage? Do you understand how your behavior contributed? Have you changed your behavior? Are you interacting differently with your wife? Does she see the change? does she respect you more?
Questions answered in order: Yes, I believe that I do. Absolutely, I understand how I contributed to the breakdown. I have changed some of my behaviors, I can still work on listenning better - I think that is a labor of life. Interactions with my wife are changing, for better or worse - I'm standing up for myself more and acting more like a "man", if that makes any sense. I don't care if she sees the change. And I don't care if she respects me more, its not about her or her reactions.
R2C: What are your thoughts on the Rational Male book?
LH: Where you been? I'd been curious to hear from you. I agree with you. Women say they want a relationship, but I can be honest, tell them where I am, and from there I believe it is up to them. My friends whose wives came back, all of them had moved on and all of them had dated other women, even if their wife didn't know about it.
I am following along Scotty B. You are one of my favorite but you are becoming a little unhinged here. If you are being honest and you will tell the truth about where you are at you will get zero interest.
Hi so and so my name is Scotty B and I am not yet divorced and have been trying to bust my divorce for 5 years. If my W comes back tomorrow you are history because I would like to keep my family together. Do you want to meet up?
The sweet sound of crickets!
The point is Scotty, do you think high quality woman are going to enjoy being one of the few who get to hang out with you on your lonely days and knowing you are in that situation LH mentions above?
Scott, just wanted to say thanks for the thoughtful response! I think you've stated things well and I believe e that you're a critical thinker, and based on that you'll make good decisions moving forward. Let logic and reason and doing what's right be your guides and you'll do fine!
So the “meeting” tonight went well. She was her new self. Meaning not my old wife. Angry and blaming. She got upset with me because she said she was unfairly spending her money on the kids more than I was (I forgot to point out that I am the one that sends her the money). I tried to think through solutions to this with her.
She wanted written into the agreement that we could each see the kids in their birthdays and I said I wasn’t sure about that. As we went over the finances she accused me of not explaining everything to her. I remained calm.
And then I told her i was thinking about taking the kids on a ski trip, and asked her how she felt about it and she said “my opinion doesn’t really matter now does it” in a very pissed off tone. I just kind said Ok and left it there.
After the meeting I was good. No real emotional issues.
But then I got home and was on Facebook and under the people you might know her profile showed up. I thought she had unfriended me, so I looked, but she hadn’t. So I texted to say she had potentially been hacked. She said she would look into it. 5 minutes later the account was gone.
This is where I went wrong; I texted her again to say “looks like that account is gone” and she texted me back “I went in and deleted it.”
The picture on the account was from 12/2019 (the date was listed as the last update). Anyhow, that set me off some. It brought back feelings of her lying and hiding things in the past and didn’t sit well with me. It’s like I was so close to having done a good job and then the universe conspires against me.
Anyhow, at our meeting I did not discuss our relationship at all. I stayed focused on the business at hand. Once or twice she almost started crying as we discussed the kids. She attacked me several times. I didn’t react and I never backed down. I was not aggressive, I wasn’t gentle either. I treated it like a business meeting and when she attacked me I didn’t counter punch and just ignored it.
She is not the woman i married. I don’t like her.
I'm not sure why the FB account thing bothers you. What am I missing?
His wife checked out of the marriage in August 2019. Maybe the second Facebook account was like a second cell phone, used to hit up possible OM?
Oh so it was a second account? I didn't pick up on that.
Why are you still FB friends with her real account ?
Scotty B,
Truth be told she is the woman you married. You were sleeping with her when she had a boyfriend. Like a volcano she may have went dormant for years. But all that activity is still bubbling down below. I think your stbxw bought into the family thing for awhile but something is always missing. She had the affair and became addicted to the brain chemicals. Now she’s chasing the dragon. It’s going to take a really long time for to figure out these are fleeting feelings.
Truth be told if you would of divorced her after her A five years ago there is a good chance you would have at least had the opportunity to reconcile by now. My thoughts are too much damage has been done now and you could never go back.
She’s in a really bad place right now and likely will be for a really long time.
She is on Facebook all the time and when she had the affair I figured a lot of it out because of the phone logs. Then those went cold and I couldn’t figure out how she was communicating but i just had this feeling she was using Facebook somehow and I couldn’t figure it out. I can see the people she friends and there was only one guy that was suspicious, she referred to him as her “pilot friend”. I expressed concern about him once and that blew up.
Anyhow whether or not she was using it, after I text her last night about it and she said she would “look into it” it immediately went away. So I text her again to let her know that and she said “I deleted it”, so basically she knew about it, whatever it was and lied about it the first time.
I completely agree with LH.
What [censored] about last night is I had done really good at the meeting and I felt good after considering, but then catching her lying about FB and the fact i always had a suspicion she was using FB to cheat on me, sting last night.
I’ll get over it; and who knows what it could have been for - it’s not relevant - I just need to move on and put it behind me.
Dude, you are doing waaaay too much talking and too much texting. Who gives a flying fcuk about her real or fake FB account? Stop texting her, unless it is about kids or finances. LAst time I checked her FB account is about neither.
I know that catching her lying upset you. You should have been prepared by now that your EX does and will lie (remember Sandi's rules?). Believe nothing they say.
Of course it stung. It's more of the same. I know it's hard, but please listen to Vapo. Don't text her at all about that. As far as you are concerned, she's not on your radar. And then do whatever you need to do to stop keeping her on your radar. I quit FB and it was good for me.
Also - Sandi's Rules are golden. Follow them. Will help you a great deal!
That's a good question--why are you still FB friends?
I blocked my ex-GF on Facebook last Sunday and I unfriended my ex-W when we separated. With my ex-GF it hurt, I've seen teeth pulled and I imagine that's what it feels like, but it makes detachment easier.
I quit FB and it was good for me.
Same here. I used to waste a lot of time mindlessly scrolling through FB, Twitter, and Instagram feeds. Most of the people I barely had a real connection with. It didn't seem so bad at the time because my XW was on her phone even more than me. In retrospect, I was on my phone a lot. I think my daughters appreciate my undivided attention nowadays.
LH - Man, sometimes you say something and I think, that is so straight on.
Scotty B,
Truth be told she is the woman you married. You were sleeping with her when she had a boyfriend.
I would change that a touch though. The woman I marrried and the woman she became were too very different women. But I did put up with this second woman for a solid 8 years. I remember before the affair thinking that every time she spoke to me she sounded pissed off.
I do find solace in the fact that at this time everyone I know that knows her that I maintain a relationship with feel like she is in a MLC or has some mental issue going on or something hormonal. I have been on a quest to feel that this wasn't about me.
Now before everyone jumps me, yes I had a hand in issues no doubt, but at the end of the day I moved heaven and earth and at this point I am not mentally ill or having an MLC or anything like that.
I break rules, its what I do: So I spoke with my sister in law, married to my brother, this weekend. She is very direct, tells it like it is, she's east coast / NYer. My wife and her had a good relationship. Anyhow, my sister in law said how she really works to stay in the middle and she always believes their are two sides, but that in this one she said my STBXW has something mental going on and my sister in law believes in ten years my STBXW will look back with regret.
Whether true or not, whether I should have had that conversation or not, it does help me heal and move on and that's what I need.
On the Facebook stuff:
Vapo - I agree. I need to work to go less contact. There is just a lot of BS that she hits me up for and then like I said on Saturday I texted her and I shouldn't have (it was only 2 texts, but still).
CW - Man, I don't think I can unfriend her. That feels like war. I can decide to be on FB less or remove my profile temporarily. I don't get on it often at all. Just happened to check it Saturday and then I wasn't look for her, her second profile just showed up in my "People You Might Know" section.
And Harvey, I'm not on it at all (because there is a chance I see something from the X that will send me on Tilt.)
-------------------
I love Monday's because I take the kids snowboarding, so tonight will be awesome. I also booked a ski trip for me in he kids in two weeks which is going to be AWESOME.
I still need to get my motorcycle thing booked. And I have a goal this week to book a fishing trip for June and a Skiiing Trip for March. Hoping the Motorcycle thing call fall in place for April. I also may take the kids to FL in April over Easter to see my parents and I'm debating heading back south in three weeks when I don't have the kids.
This coming weekend will only be my second at home without the kids, so its kind of like a test run to see how I do emotionally.
Hi Scott,
CW - Man, I don't think I can unfriend her. That feels like war. I can decide to be on FB less or remove my profile temporarily. I don't get on it often at all. Just happened to check it Saturday and then I wasn't look for her, her second profile just showed up in my "People You Might Know" section.
"War", hmm? Interesting. To me, it says "no" to being friends immediately after the breakup. I don't want to know if she has an amazing trip somewhere we planned to go, buys a new car, or gets a worrisome medical diagnosis. I don't want to see new BFs or GFs. My detachment is an act of self-preservation made with love and no hostility behind it. 4 of my ex's made the same choice. I didn't interpret them as hostile.
The choice of being friends vs. not being friends right after a breakup is a big one. I choose "No" for now, like those 4 ex's. I am free to re-visit in a year. I have reconnected with 2 of those 4 ex's as friends.
I agree deleting your FB account or de-activating it until you're over her are viable options. I won't do that, personally, because I use Facebook to exchange family photos (e.g., Christmas in 10mo). I suspect it'll be a long time before either of us wants to see our ex's celebrating Christmas with someone else.
LH - Man, sometimes you say something and I think, that is so straight on.
Just sometimes. Come on man!
I would change that a touch though. The woman I married and the woman she became were too very different women. But I did put up with this second woman for a solid 8 years. I remember before the affair thinking that every time she spoke to me she sounded pissed off.
What I am saying Scotty B is you married a cheater. Now she may have been faithful for 15 years but she's still a cheater and eventually she was going to cheat again. Why? Because she doesn't think it's wrong, She will always find a way to justify it. So now you know in the future when a woman talks to you like that you know somethings wrong. You either fix what is wrong or you walk and never look back.
I do find solace in the fact that at this time everyone I know that knows her that I maintain a relationship with feel like she is in a MLC or has some mental issue going on or something hormonal. I have been on a quest to feel that this wasn't about me.
So you are right that hormones, brain chemicals are involved but it is also about you. She feels she can't be happy with you. Right or wrong that is how she feels. Time will tell if she is right or wrong.
Now before everyone jumps me, yes I had a hand in issues no doubt, but at the end of the day I moved heaven and earth and at this point I am not mentally ill or having an MLC or anything like that.
Do you have a doctors note verifying that Scotty B? Again, in your opinion you have moved heaven and earth.
I break rules, its what I do: So I spoke with my sister in law, married to my brother, this weekend. She is very direct, tells it like it is, she's east coast / NYer. My wife and her had a good relationship. Anyhow, my sister in law said how she really works to stay in the middle and she always believes their are two sides, but that in this one she said my STBXW has something mental going on and my sister in law believes in ten years my STBXW will look back with regret.
Your sister-in-Law is trying to ease your pain. She has no way of knowing that. A lot depends on luck. Your Ex could find the most amazing man who listens and understands her and makes her feel like the most special person on earth.
CW - Man, I don't think I can unfriend her. That feels like war. I can decide to be on FB less or remove my profile temporarily. I don't get on it often at all. Just happened to check it Saturday and then I wasn't look for her, her second profile just showed up in my "People You Might Know" section.
Just block her. She will never know.
I still need to get my motorcycle thing booked. And I have a goal this week to book a fishing trip for June and a Skiiing Trip for March. Hoping the Motorcycle thing call fall in place for April. I also may take the kids to FL in April over Easter to see my parents and I'm debating heading back south in three weeks when I don't have the kids.
Have you ever road a motorcycle? I am learning now. You just to get on a motorcycle and go on a long trip. That would not be responsible.
R2C: What are your thoughts on the Rational Male book?
Someone else here who has read the book may be able to give better feedback to you, but since you asked me directly:
I just skimmed the amazon preview. If I was browsing the books at the book store, I would have put it down and kept looking for a better option to purchase.
As with all books, I am sure there is insight that one can gain by reading it. When I checked out his example of an alpha male, I don't think it is what I would aspire to.
Have you seen this:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094
Dude, you are doing waaaay too much talking and too much texting. Who gives a flying fcuk about her real or fake FB account? Stop texting her, unless it is about kids or finances.
Agree.
Checking my email today, I see an invitation to follow my X on Instagram. I react to it about the same as all the ones that end up in my spam box.
The woman I married and the woman she became were too very different women. But I did put up with this second woman for a solid 8 years.
Are you going to ever let anyone treat you like that again?
Somewhere I read something similar to this:
There is the true you. There is the person you project to other people. There is the image that person has in their mind. Same goes for your wife.
You most likely know her better than anyone else. And you don't even know her. Same for her. She thinks she knows you, but she doesn't know you at all.
This stuff gets crazy abstract.
Again, I tend to break certain rules. I did it again today.
I had to organize a carpool with one of my wife's old friends from before her affair. I hadn't talked to this woman much in years. At the time of the affair my wife and for years thereafter my wife had accused me of having this woman spy on her. I didn't remember that, but never thought it was worth the argument and moved on.
Today I asked this woman about it. She was indignant. She said I never asked and she never would have done that anyhow. She also said how my STBXW had back stabbed her a couple of times (something I didn't know) and she said that my STBXW's problem was her mother who had manipulated and controlled and mind-F'ed her.
Now, I know that's true, but I was shocked to hear it from someone who hadn't talked to my wife in 5 years when their relationship was severed.
If you've seen the movie the Matrix, that's kind of how I'm starting to feel about my life. Its like I was living this life and it was fine but I couldn't see the reality of it. As I get more distance, and talk to people, I'm shocked at the things they bring up or mention that I never saw and how it all seems to coalesce with my new view of reality.
Its creating cognitive dissonance for me, where I'm second guessing everything.
There is no going back, there is only forward.
--------------------------
LH: I've never ridden a motorcycle. Jet Ski'ed Snowmobiled. Looks fun and I want to learn.
And I did marry a cheater. She cheated on me with her boyfriend when she was 20. I just thought that once you got married it was different. I guess not.
And dude, trust me - I did everything that could have been done for that woman. This one was not on me. A marriage takes two and I was willing to do the work. MY STBXW owns this one.
LH: I've never ridden a motorcycle. Jet Ski'ed Snowmobiled. Looks fun and I want to learn.
I have road all three and a motorcycle is a different animal. What I am saying is it will take some time before you are ready for a cross country trip.
And I did marry a cheater. She cheated on me with her boyfriend when she was 20. I just thought that once you got married it was different. I guess not.
Cheaters cheat Scotty B that's what they do. Married not married it doesn't matter. They may not stray for awhile but eventually they will stray again.
And dude, trust me - I did everything that could have been done for that woman. This one was not on me. A marriage takes two and I was willing to do the work. MY STBXW owns this one.
Scotty B this is all very subjective. What I am saying is own your side of the street.
Scott, my concern here is that she still consumes so much of your headspace. And what rule did you break? That seems like something that would naturally come up? "Hey, you know my STBXW once accused me of having you spy on her! LOL, isn't she cra-cra?". So I am not sure what the rule you think you broke is? Do I think it is necessarily healthy to feel the need to have brought this up? Maybe not.
Scott, I liked your answered when I asked you if she came back would you entertain it. However, I am wondering if that is true. I think you are trying to convince yourself it is true. The test will be for you that the next time you see someone that also knew your STBXW, if you feel the need to bring her up. When you were out with friends and saw the BF, she is the one that brought it up. No harm no foul. With this woman it appears you initiated the discussion. That is more of an issue. Again, I don't think there is a rule against it per se, but that it just not a healthy thing to do for you to move on.
If you've seen the movie the Matrix, that's kind of how I'm starting to feel about my life. Its like I was living this life and it was fine but I couldn't see the reality of it. As I get more distance, and talk to people, I'm shocked at the things they bring up or mention that I never saw and how it all seems to coalesce with my new view of reality.
Its creating cognitive dissonance for me, where I'm second guessing everything.
Being able to step outside of your sitch is a good skill. You look at it with a new set of eyes. You are looking into the "fishbowl". No emotional response. You logically decided how one of the people should interact with the other one. You then control the one person that you can. Let the other do whatever they are going to do.
Before you act, you can ask yourself : What would LH19 do in this sitch? Steve85? R2C? What would Sandi2 say to do?
a motorcycle is a different animal
On a motorcycle, you have to be completely focused on the moment. Other people are distracted and do not see you and you can be killed in an instant. If you get distracted with all the brain noise, your odds of not reacting quick enough puts you in danger as well.
Fall off a jet ski and you get wet.
Scott, my concern here is that she still consumes so much of your headspace. And what rule did you break? That seems like something that would naturally come up?
I don't believe I'm supposed to be talking about my situation with friends or family.
Today was bad!
We had 2.5 hours of mediation with both of our attorney's. I struggle to use the written word to explain how full of rage I am. It was 2.5 hours of me taking questions about my business. Her attorney, as expected, is going to go for way more than is reasonable - presumably with a hope of landing in the middle.
So here are some of the things I learned. If my business is worth $2mm - that is the value for the divorce. So I give my STBXW $1mm and then I own the entire business. If I sell the business then I owe $600k of taxes on the value - the court system does not take that embedded tax into account when they do the valuation. So effectively my wife gets $1mm and I get the tax, leaving me with $400k. Let me just say that is not fair.
AND If that weren't enough, her attorney is saying that my entire income is subject to support. So let's say I make $500k per year but I could pay someone $150k per year to do my job and the other $350k is profit.
The typical assumption would be that if I bought the business (see above) the the profit would not be subject to spousal support, because I bought it. Well, they are trying to say that I would need to pay support on the entire $500k. AND of course, alimony can no longer be written off.
And of course this does not account for all the other assets that are also getting cut in half.
I'll give it some time before I decide to do anything dramatic, but a scorched earth policy is beginning to feel appropriate.
Sell it, and look for new work.
It would save me several hundred thousand in capital gains taxes, it would drop me several tax brackets, and it would create a situation where I would owe no support. Net of all of it, I would end up in the same spot with arguably diminished future income potential; but I could figure that out.
Maybe I start another business once this is behind me.
Scott, my concern here is that she still consumes so much of your headspace. And what rule did you break? That seems like something that would naturally come up?
I don't believe I'm supposed to be talking about my situation with friends or family.
This is only IF the sitch has not gone public yet. Take my sitch, my W was still in the house, D14 (at the time) didn't know, and no one other than her and I were aware of what was going on.
Your W is gone. Out of the house. At this point I think it is okay to discuss, though again I hope they are the ones that bring it up since you are moving on.
Today was bad!
We had 2.5 hours of mediation with both of our attorney's. I struggle to use the written word to explain how full of rage I am. It was 2.5 hours of me taking questions about my business. Her attorney, as expected, is going to go for way more than is reasonable - presumably with a hope of landing in the middle.
So here are some of the things I learned. If my business is worth $2mm - that is the value for the divorce. So I give my STBXW $1mm and then I own the entire business. If I sell the business then I owe $600k of taxes on the value - the court system does not take that embedded tax into account when they do the valuation. So effectively my wife gets $1mm and I get the tax, leaving me with $400k. Let me just say that is not fair.
AND If that weren't enough, her attorney is saying that my entire income is subject to support. So let's say I make $500k per year but I could pay someone $150k per year to do my job and the other $350k is profit.
The typical assumption would be that if I bought the business (see above) the the profit would not be subject to spousal support, because I bought it. Well, they are trying to say that I would need to pay support on the entire $500k. AND of course, alimony can no longer be written off.
And of course this does not account for all the other assets that are also getting cut in half.
I'll give it some time before I decide to do anything dramatic, but a scorched earth policy is beginning to feel appropriate.
Sell it, and look for new work.
It would save me several hundred thousand in capital gains taxes, it would drop me several tax brackets, and it would create a situation where I would owe no support. Net of all of it, I would end up in the same spot with arguably diminished future income potential; but I could figure that out.
Maybe I start another business once this is behind me.
I tried to warn you. But I am so happy you have an attorney. So many LBSs get sucked into the "let's keep this amicable" delusion.
Sorry man, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear. I think it stinks that she decides to walk AND is entitled to half + support. But welcome to the "no fault" divorce racket. Not sure who ever thought that was a good idea. But I digress.
Hi Scott,
You sound like you care about your business, so I imagine it was quite a smack upside the head to hear divorce law in your area may favor selling off the business as opposed to splitting it.
her attorney is saying that my entire income is subject to support. So let's say I make $500k per year but I could pay someone $150k per year to do my job and the other $350k is profit. Well, they are trying to say that I would need to pay support on the entire $500k.
What's your attorney say? You say a lot about what her attorney says, not so much about what yours says. Around me, the above would depend on the legal form of your business.. and that can be changed.
Just as it's the job of your wife's attorney to inform her what she's entitled to under the law and advocate for it, the job of your attorney is to do the same for you. You sound shell-shocked and blindsided. Most people walk in a little unsure, e.g., "My attorney says my 401k is legally 50% hers, but I hope she'll let me keep 70%". It sounds like your attorney didn't prepare you that this was possible and even probable.
Today was bad!
We had 2.5 hours of mediation with both of our attorney's. I struggle to use the written word to explain how full of rage I am. It was 2.5 hours of me taking questions about my business. Her attorney, as expected, is going to go for way more than is reasonable - presumably with a hope of landing in the middle.
So here are some of the things I learned. If my business is worth $2mm - that is the value for the divorce. So I give my STBXW $1mm and then I own the entire business. If I sell the business then I owe $600k of taxes on the value - the court system does not take that embedded tax into account when they do the valuation. So effectively my wife gets $1mm and I get the tax, leaving me with $400k. Let me just say that is not fair.
AND If that weren't enough, her attorney is saying that my entire income is subject to support. So let's say I make $500k per year but I could pay someone $150k per year to do my job and the other $350k is profit.
The typical assumption would be that if I bought the business (see above) the the profit would not be subject to spousal support, because I bought it. Well, they are trying to say that I would need to pay support on the entire $500k. AND of course, alimony can no longer be written off.
And of course this does not account for all the other assets that are also getting cut in half.
I'll give it some time before I decide to do anything dramatic, but a scorched earth policy is beginning to feel appropriate.
Sell it, and look for new work.
It would save me several hundred thousand in capital gains taxes, it would drop me several tax brackets, and it would create a situation where I would owe no support. Net of all of it, I would end up in the same spot with arguably diminished future income potential; but I could figure that out.
Maybe I start another business once this is behind me.
Are you W-2'ing yourself?
I don't know how she can partake in the gross receipts but avoid the taxes and costs, that would work out well for anyone who is a business owner.
I have a meeting with my attorney in 12 days. We'll see how that goes. A question I often get is, Do you have a good attorney? She has a good reputation. Typically works with business owners and did a local billionaires divorce, so I think she is good. My wife chose an attorney that also has an excellent reputation.
It's hard to believe how this works. The damage I have done to myself in trying to save the marriage is hard to comprehend. At the time she had her affair I was only worth $1mm. If I had just pulled the ripcord then it literally would have saved me $1mm because of how much I've grown my business. There also would have been no chance of support (spousal or child support). Now that I was successful, even though she has torn me apart over those 5 years and made it very hard to be at work, she gets hundreds of thousands of dollars plus more than likely $4-7k per month.
Some say "it's just money". But we're talking blood, sweat, and tears. Not to mention how the marriage counselors pushed me to be more vulnerable and to share my feelings, all of which were weaponized and turned against me by my STBXW. It's still hard for me to comprehend how this is happening. I worked to do everything right - loved my family, loved my wife, fought for the marriage, didn't hide assets or play any games, continued to work the right way, I did everything that was asked of me and more, and now its all being used against me.
And if this was going to be a fair deal, I could deal with that to some degree. But if they cut everything in half and then I get a 35% tax liability the way the math works she gets 72% and I walk with 28%. I just can't believe that's how the system works.
And on top of that if I owe her support based on the profits from the business that I bought from her - I just can't. I'm sure I'm overreacting and I need to just settle down and wait this out to see how this goes, but its a lot to take.
Scott, no two ways about it, it stinks.
Do yourself a favor and find the movie "The War Of The Roses" on a streaming service. As soon as you said: "Not to mention how the marriage counselors pushed me to be more vulnerable and to share my feelings, all of which were weaponized and turned against me by my STBXW." it made me think of that movie. If you've seen it, or when you see it, you will immediately understand what I mean.
P.S. I do not suggest urinating on her fish. (You'll get the reference if and when you see it!)
It's hard to believe how this works. The damage I have done to myself in trying to save the marriage is hard to comprehend. At the time she had her affair I was only worth $1mm. If I had just pulled the ripcord then it literally would have saved me $1mm because of how much I've grown my business. There also would have been no chance of support (spousal or child support). Now that I was successful, even though she has torn me apart over those 5 years and made it very hard to be at work, she gets hundreds of thousands of dollars plus more than likely $4-7k per month.
Sometimes lessons in life are hard. I hope you will never again tolerate infidelity.
Not to mention how the marriage counselors pushed me to be more vulnerable and to share my feelings, all of which were weaponized and turned against me by my STBXW.
This is exactly why we do not encourage MC when one partner has check out.
I'm sure I'm overreacting and I need to just settle down and wait this out to see how this goes, but its a lot to take.
It is a lot to take but I am sure it won't be as bad as you anticipate.
Hang in the Scotty B.
DanF understood tax implication of divorce. He was wise in this area. I am sure he talked about some in his thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=27667Settling and reaching agreements is part of the process.
Split the cookie in half. If she splits the cookie, you pick the half. If you split the cookie, she picks the half.
She claims a value of something, you decide if you want her to have it on her half of the balance sheet.
She claims Car1 is worth 10K. You believe it is 14K. You take the car at $10K.
You believe it is worth 5K. Let her have it.
At the end the net worth should be split 50/50 on the balance sheet.
Way over simplified i know, but you have to have some tactical thinking.
LH: Yep. Yep. Yep.
R2C: I read this thread of Dan's:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=47502&Number=2059950#Post2059950I haven't plugged into too many other threads of people out here. But I was struck by how the end of these marriages are all so incredibly similar. It just seems like they all follow the same predictable path.
My takeaway is to definitely to move on.
I thought this was good
After years of reading all of these short, sad, WAW stories, there is only one conclusion I arrive at:
Kick their @sses to the curb and leave them there. They want out? Throw them out. Now!
They patronize you by saying you deserve better? Find someone better immediately.
Who needs to wait around for a lying, cheating, betraying, character-assassinating POS WAS?
Now, that's the kind of validating I'm talking about. Go ahead and give them exactly what they say they want. And give it to them IMMEDIATELY! No namby-pamby wimp-@ss "waiting."
After all, they've been so "unhappy" for "so long."
^^^^^^^ so true! You’ll see Scotty B.
Went to my sons lacrosse game last night and saw the STBX. I was shocked she walked right up to me and smiled and said hello. Very fake; there were people around. I got to hug both of my kids. Then she implied that we were going to sit together,; she did have my daughter. So I hung with my daughter; my STBX and I didn’t talk at all. I then went and hung out with a friend of mine that she as there. Afterwards I got to talk to JT son for a bit and then she left with the kids.
I got to go to dinner with two other families and it was great. Today I’m going snowboarding by myself. Couldn’t find anyone to go and decided to go anyhow. Not ideal, but I’ll have fun.
When I get home I’m planning to hang my new dartboard and take a nap. Looking forward to next weekend when I take the kids on a ski trip.
Also felt fortunate to get asked to a super bowl party. I was worried I was going to be watching that alone, which would have sucked.
Awesome update! Well done.
Great that you got to go to dinner with others, and that you have plans for tomorrow.
Also, love the dart board. I hung mine in the new house after we moved in and reconnecting with the game has been awesome. I have a buddy that comes over and we play at least twice a month. So relaxing and fun.
Well, I finally put my Christmas tree away today. I did t realize it until I got started, but I think I left it up because I knew subconsciously that taking it down would be emotional, and it was. All the ornaments, all the kids pictures, the ornaments that the STBX and I bought or got as gifts or the one from the New Years party in 2003 that we took off a tree as a souvenir.
Then there was the one i didn’t put in the tree that was in the box, one of the last pictures of us I have. I bawled like a baby. I’m sure it was healthy and I’m glad it’s a sunny day or it would have been harder.
It’s probably the last time I put that tree up as well, it’s sixty years old and it’s been the tree we’ve had my whole
Life, so that made it even more emotional. I bought a new one to replace it for next year. Just got to keep moving forward. Off to the gym and then a super bowl party. Then tomorrow I go through my favorite stretch - 7 of nine days with the kids and we have a four day ski trip planned!
Keep moving forward. One day at a time.
Well, I finally put my Christmas tree away today. I did t realize it until I got started, but I think I left it up because I knew subconsciously that taking it down would be emotional, and it was. All the ornaments, all the kids pictures, the ornaments that the STBX and I bought or got as gifts or the one from the New Years party in 2003 that we took off a tree as a souvenir.
Then there was the one i didn’t put in the tree that was in the box, one of the last pictures of us I have. I bawled like a baby. I’m sure it was healthy and I’m glad it’s a sunny day or it would have been harder.
It’s probably the last time I put that tree up as well, it’s sixty years old and it’s been the tree we’ve had my whole
Life, so that made it even more emotional. I bought a new one to replace it for next year. Just got to keep moving forward. Off to the gym and then a super bowl party. Then tomorrow I go through my favorite stretch - 7 of nine days with the kids and we have a four day ski trip planned!
Keep moving forward. One day at a time.
{{{{{{{ScottB}}}}}}} i'm so sorry. I have all the family ornaments from exh's childhood as well as my own. This year I bought a Norfolk Island Pine and put lights on it. That's it. Last year bought a huge tree, again, just put lights on it.
Glad you have a good fun time with the kids ahead xoxo
Sometimes we aren't as detached as we think we are. Hang in there, Scott. Better days are ahead.
The patterns are all similar. The sooner the LBS breaks out of the typical pattern the better.
Did you read the response by Coach to the post you linked? He was a very wise DBer. Attracted his wife back by the changes in his behavior. After they reconciled, she was posting here for a while.
Anyway, the key is to happily set her free. You validate her feelings when interacting. You stand on your core values. You do not share your feelings with her. You do not share any details of your life with her. You go out and live an amazing life. Doing things you enjoy (alone) is one of the best things you can do. If others come alone, great. If they don't great.
That all applies to the R side. Then you have the business side. separating assets. You just split things fairly. Keep your emotions out of it. It is just negotiations. Determine the value of things and assigning them to the balance sheet.
The third leg is the parenting. Definitely compartmentalize the three.
Keep working on new ways to interact. Walk away with style. Best thing to ever happen to you.
Well CW, I'm doing a good bit of what you recommended, maybe a bit too much. Took yesterday off because we got 6 inches of snow and I took the kids snowboarding. It was epic. This coming weekend I'm taking the kids on a snowboarding trip for 4 days, which is going to be incredible.
Then I went overboard and booked another trip to Florida next weds. through Monday. After that I don't have anything else planned and spring sports are getting started so I'll have a lot going on with the kids.
I'm still working on some planning to schedule three days of private off road motorcycle lessons through BMW in the next 3 months at some point.
Almost through winter, which has been fun, but I like being out in nature and I like longer days so that will be good.
Three legs to the stool: Relationship with Ex, Business with the Ex, and Parenting - compartmentalize them all - that's good.
I read coaches comments and will leave here for reference:
"Now you are smothering me. The only thing I can think of is that I need time and space and I HOPE that my feeling will change in a few months. I want them to, but I can't help what I feel".
What's next?
Go sentence by sentence, she is telling you exactly what she wants - it is how she feels. A man wants to fix this by explaining her feelings to her and why she should just feel another way (invalidating).
So how does a man change how his woman feels?
Answer- Give her what she wants. Agree with her.
Stop smothering her, give her space and time, her feelings are her feelings - let her know you understand it's OK she feels that way. She wants the "feeling" back - she wants to be attracted to you.
Right now the hardest part of my day is from about 5:30am-7am. I wake up and just spin on the failed marriage. I probably need to just get up and go do something at that time to get my mind off of it.
Also, hearing about coach re-attracting his X, I've thought about that a lot. My X was toxic to me. All my relationships in life are improving with her being gone. I'm dramatically more free and worry less about a lot of things. She did not bring out the best in me or support me. And with all that said I just can't understand this wanting I have to get things back when I know it was bad. Its and interesting ride, and a daily one.
I'm also worried about work. I just have not been able to get focused. Maybe this is just how this is at this time in my life, but I am really struggling to get and stay engaged at the office.
Well you want to attract your ex. You want to be attractive to everyone - at least I do.
The want is habit and comfort, but big changes usually lack those two things.
5:30 - 7 AM seems ripe for a really hard workout to get your mind off of everything.
Also, hearing about coach re-attracting his X, I've thought about that a lot. My X was toxic to me. All my relationships in life are improving with her being gone. I'm dramatically more free and worry less about a lot of things. She did not bring out the best in me or support me. And with all that said I just can't understand this wanting I have to get things back when I know it was bad.
Because when you're married, your relationship is a source of stability in your life.
Your brain doesn't like this instability.
Because of this lack of control and the fear that comes with it, you desperately, desperately want to regain your feeling of control and stability.
If you see this in yourself, that you have lost your feeling of control, then you can come to the conclusion that this is what you need to deal with, not what your wife does or doesn't do.
I read coaches comments and will leave here for reference:
"Now you are smothering me. The only thing I can think of is that I need time and space and I HOPE that my feeling will change in a few months. I want them to, but I can't help what I feel".
What's next?
Go sentence by sentence, she is telling you exactly what she wants - it is how she feels. A man wants to fix this by explaining her feelings to her and why she should just feel another way (invalidating).
So how does a man change how his woman feels?
Answer- Give her what she wants. Agree with her.
Stop smothering her, give her space and time, her feelings are her feelings - let her know you understand it's OK she feels that way. She wants the "feeling" back - she wants to be attracted to you.
Right now the hardest part of my day is from about 5:30am-7am. I wake up and just spin on the failed marriage. I probably need to just get up and go do something at that time to get my mind off of it.
Also, hearing about coach re-attracting his X, I've thought about that a lot. My X was toxic to me. All my relationships in life are improving with her being gone. I'm dramatically more free and worry less about a lot of things. She did not bring out the best in me or support me. And with all that said I just can't understand this wanting I have to get things back when I know it was bad. Its and interesting ride, and a daily one.
I'm also worried about work. I just have not been able to get focused. Maybe this is just how this is at this time in my life, but I am really struggling to get and stay engaged at the office.
I can relate, though my spinning time was more 2-5am. Laying there spinning is horrible, no doubt about it. If mine had been later, then yes, I would have planned to get up and go do something productive. In my case, I did get up sometimes, unfortunately I did something usually very counterproductive...like snooping on her desktop (unti she got wise to me and started logging out!). So the key is to feel the emotions you are feeling, but not allowing them to make you do something that is going to hurt you, not help you. One of the big ones is writing long, heart felt emails/letters, even texts to the WAS. So yes, get up and do something...productive. Workout. Get something done for work that was pressing, etc. Being productive is the key.
However, the reattracting back your ex is tricky. Others here have used this quote: "You never look more attractive than when you are walking away." Another anti-D expert I read in my sitch put it this way. She was talking to a woman that had left her husband, moved into her own place, was coparenting with her LBH, but was carrying on a secret affair with another man that was the basis for her moving out, etc. The expert warned this woman, "right now you think you are in love with the OM, and that you are moving on from your H. You may even go through with the D, and move in with OM or even marry OM. However, at some point you will look back and realize that your H and MR wasn't so bad and that you made a mistake. This usually coincides with your ex-H moving on with another woman. Suddenly you will ask yourself why you did what you did!" This is why LH quotes me as having said that eventually, if you both live long enough, she will eventually regret her decision to leave you. And usually at that point the WAS will try to come back. It could be 6 months, it could be 60 years. So it isn't something you should be waiting on.
Sorry, I rambled there a bit, but the point is the best way to attract your ex back is to NOT try to attract her back. We recommend things like working out, updating your wardrobe and dressing better, improve your behaviors (we've had LBSs that were addicted to video gaming for instance, stopping that behavior), if you have bad hygiene/grooming then improve those. You do not do these things to attract your ex back, you do them to become a better person all around and to be more attractive in general! If you do it just to reattract her she will smell a rat at 100 yards. So do it for YOU not her.
I was a highly rated employee, top of the class every year. During my sitch my job performance plummeted. I had just taken a promotion into a new role right in the middle of my sitch. I got off to such a bad start that I got my worst review in years. My manager told me "This would have been an even worse review but mid-year you turned it around and now are performing at top levels." I have been highly reviewed the last two years as a result. It is hard to concentrate when you are so distracted with the failed marriage taking up so much head space.
But this all tells me that you are no where near ready to start looking to date (I believe you've said in the past that you were tempted.) Earn your way into a new relationship by working through the emotional baggage of this one. I truly believe the only way you can do that is through good, thorough and WEEKLY (minimum) IC. And to focus on yourself and your kids. In other words, keep moving forward!
I was a highly rated employee, top of the class every year. During my sitch my job performance plummeted. I had just taken a promotion into a new role right in the middle of my sitch. I got off to such a bad start that I got my worst review in years. My manager told me "This would have been an even worse review but mid-year you turned it around and now are performing at top levels." I have been highly reviewed the last two years as a result. It is hard to concentrate when you are so distracted with the failed marriage taking up so much head space.
[quote=ScottB]
I was a highly rated employee, top of the class every year. During my sitch my job performance plummeted. I had just taken a promotion into a new role right in the middle of my sitch. I got off to such a bad start that I got my worst review in years. My manager told me "This would have been an even worse review but mid-year you turned it around and now are performing at top levels." I have been highly reviewed the last two years as a result. It is hard to concentrate when you are so distracted with the failed marriage taking up so much head space.
Steve that is exactly what just happend to me. First negative review ever, a few weeks ago. First time I am not eligible for bonus or salary-bump.
HOWEVER, it didnt bother me at all. It was exoected.
I actually told my own manager and our CEO about everything that was going on, less than month after BD.
It was a huge relief that they knew. They also paid for a very expensive IC.
We set individual goals at my company and my number 1 goal for 2020 was to feel mentally stable.
IN fact thats a pretty great goal also for the comapny because they risk loosing great resource and instead pay insurance if I was to go in to full depression.
Not sure if you have Scott, but conisder talking to your manager/boss.
If you see this in yourself, that you have lost your feeling of control, then you can come to the conclusion that this is what you need to deal with, not what your wife does or doesn't do.
Okay LH, I'm your Huckleberry. This makes complete sense. And I'll ask a question I would assume to know that answer to, because I've learned not to assume -- How do I deal with the feeling of the loss of control?
I can relate, though my spinning time was more 2-5am. Laying there spinning is horrible, no doubt about it... So yes, get up and do something...productive. Workout. Get something done for work that was pressing, etc. Being productive is the key.
However, the reattracting back your ex is tricky. Others here have used this quote: "You never look more attractive than when you are walking away." Another anti-D expert I read in my sitch put it this way. She was talking to a woman that had left her husband, moved into her own place, was coparenting with her LBH, but was carrying on a secret affair with another man that was the basis for her moving out, etc. The expert warned this woman, "right now you think you are in love with the OM, and that you are moving on from your H. You may even go through with the D, and move in with OM or even marry OM. However, at some point you will look back and realize that your H and MR wasn't so bad and that you made a mistake. This usually coincides with your ex-H moving on with another woman. Suddenly you will ask yourself why you did what you did!" This is why LH quotes me as having said that eventually, if you both live long enough, she will eventually regret her decision to leave you. And usually at that point the WAS will try to come back. It could be 6 months, it could be 60 years. So it isn't something you should be waiting on.
I think I'll try to workout when this happens next. That makes a lot of sense; its tough because the spinning depresses me which makes me want to just lay there. But I'll try to get up tomorrow and get after it.
And then the second part of this messes with my head so much. Its the truth I think I can see that I can't do anything about and it drives me crazy. But I've got to let go of it.
And per work, I need to find a way to get refocused too. Maybe if I can nail part one of this, it can help with the work focus too.
And I'll ask a question I would assume to know that answer to, because I've learned not to assume -- How do I deal with the feeling of the loss of control?
You have to accept it as reality. The feeling of control you had before was an illusion. You control you. Focus on that which is within your control, and let go of that which is not.
This was the hardest thing for me to accept. And releasing control is an ongoing practice for me (at least for now), not a state I reached and never looked back. One thing that really helped me that I learned about here is the Daily Stoic videos-- the one that really spoke to me for whatever reason is the one he did for pro sports athletes called "you control how you play"-- somehow that really helped me to understand. You don't control the weather, or your teammates, or the fans, or what they say about you on Twitter. You control how you play the game. That's it.
In the LBS sitch, you don't control your S. The decision to be M or stay M is not something you can make happen on your own. Both parties have to want it. Another quote I found and liked was you can't clap with one hand. Whatever you can grab onto that helps you to let go of the illusion of control over your S and M and focus on that which is within your control, the better you'll do... because you'll see you ARE in control. Of yourself. And you have your whole life in front of you, to take and live, and grab happiness with both hands. You can't do that if you're fretting about things that you can't control. It is what it is.
And if the distance you've gained so far is helping you to see that your R with your spouse was toxic... then onward, man. You know what to do. This is a journey and a practice, and it will get easier and easier. The more you focus on things within your control, the more control you'll feel-- because you ARE taking control of your own life and not letting yourself get dragged around by someone else's crisis.
Scotty B,
May pretty much nailed it but I’ll add a little more. For the past five years you have woken up to a pretty $hitty marriage to a pretty $hitty W. Deep down in side you knew it was $hitty but it was at least the life you knew which was a sense of stability. You prefer the $hitty known to the scary unknown. So with time this new life will become your known and if you keep growing and moving forward it won’t be $hitty and you will be happy. You will then know that you can walk away from anything or anyone that isn’t working for you.
I'm also worried about work. I just have not been able to get focused. Maybe this is just how this is at this time in my life, but I am really struggling to get and stay engaged at the office.
I should have been fired. I was not productive at all. My thoughts were all about BD and fixing the R. Meetings were Charlie Browns Parents.
My boss was the second person i told about my sitch. The first was my co-worker. They were supportive.
Work off of a calendar. Schedule time for everything. Personal stuff during personal time. Work stuff during the work day.
IE: If you catch yourself thinking or being distracted at work about personal stuff, write down the item in your "Personal" notebook. Tell yourself "I will deal with that later". Same thing with sleep time. Any thoughts, write them in the notebook and say "I will deal with that tomorrow". Of course, you need to make time in the evenings to deal with the personal stuff on the list.
May22: I listened to the podcast you mentioned, and a ted talk on stoicism. That would seem to be a philosophy to dig into and focus on. I signed up for the daily email. I think this might be really helpful – Thanks.
LH19: Makes sense. What I gather is I can’t really shortcut the process. It’s going to take time. And focusing on what I can control is key.
IE: If you catch yourself thinking or being distracted at work about personal stuff, write down the item in your "Personal" notebook. Tell yourself "I will deal with that later". Same thing with sleep time. Any thoughts, write them in the notebook and say "I will deal with that tomorrow". Of course, you need to make time in the evenings to deal with the personal stuff on the list.
That’s a good idea. I just need to have the discipline to execute.
This morning, I woke up at 5:30a, laid there for 15 minutes and followed the advice of my team and went to the gym. That was a healthy decision. I generally work out after work, but by doing that in the morning it eliminated that time when my mind spins. It also allowed me to plan to grab a beer with a friend tonight when I got asked mid-morning.
LH19: Makes sense. What I gather is I can’t really shortcut the process. It’s going to take time. And focusing on what I can control is key.
Exactly! My best guess is it is going to probably take you a good couple years to get her out of your system. Along the way there will be some bumps in the road. Just be patient with yourself.
May22: I listened to the podcast you mentioned, and a ted talk on stoicism. That would seem to be a philosophy to dig into and focus on. I signed up for the daily email. I think this might be really helpful – Thanks.
LH19: Makes sense. What I gather is I can’t really shortcut the process. It’s going to take time. And focusing on what I can control is key.
IE: If you catch yourself thinking or being distracted at work about personal stuff, write down the item in your "Personal" notebook. Tell yourself "I will deal with that later". Same thing with sleep time. Any thoughts, write them in the notebook and say "I will deal with that tomorrow". Of course, you need to make time in the evenings to deal with the personal stuff on the list.
That’s a good idea. I just need to have the discipline to execute.
This morning, I woke up at 5:30a, laid there for 15 minutes and followed the advice of my team and went to the gym. That was a healthy decision. I generally work out after work, but by doing that in the morning it eliminated that time when my mind spins. It also allowed me to plan to grab a beer with a friend tonight when I got asked mid-morning.
I am also an advocate of multiple workouts in a day! Studies have shown benefits.
Steve: I'm not sure my body could handle that. Definitely easier in the summer when I can workout and then go for a bike ride, hike, or maybe a kayak or run.
But I like the way you think!
I'm worn out. I took my kids on a 4 day snowboarding trip. It was awesome. We had an incredible time. It really was incredible.
My STBX didn't communicate with the kids much while they were on my trip. My daughter talked to her when we got back. I didn't communicate with her at all other than to say that we made it to and from safely via a short courtesy text.
It was interesting while I was there. I thoroughly enjoyed my time, but on occasion I would find myself thinking that she was really missing out on wonderful experiences with the kids. I was thinking she would have loved the downtime at the spa or working out in their gym. At times when one of the kids was in the room by themselves I was thinking it would be nice if they had company (we were at a ski in ski out).
On the other hand, I can be pretty fun when I don't have to worry about much, meaning getting grief for the way I do things so that was also nice - not being judged for my decisions.
It was just an incredible trip with snowboarding, swimming, hot tubbing - it was great.
I'm still working through feeling anxious at times. This kind of life change is unsettling. The attorney's that we'll have to continue to work with and the uncertainty around the outcome of this also creates anxiety. I question some decisions I make, like tomorrow I'm flying back to Florida for the five days I don't have the kids - I feel a little guilty about that, like I shouldn't be doing it.
My work is suffering some and I really need to get on it; soon enough I guess.
It was such a great trip.
Awesome Scott, glad you enjoyed the trip! Over time you will get her out of your system. It takes time, I know with my ex-GF at first I had trouble enjoying things that we would have normally done together as a couple, that I was doing on my own, but over time her residence in my head got smaller and smaller. I remember after a couple of years I did something and when it was over I realized I had never even thought about her once! Give yourself some time.
Go to FL. Have a ball.
Come back reenergized and put that energy into work............
So I'm laughing as I write this.
My STBXW and I had agreed that when she got a job she would put her earnings in our joint account. We had an attorney draft a document saying as much; at the time she wasn't working.
So now she's gotten two paychecks and she is putting them in her spending account. So I send money to her account and then she also puts money into her account. But I only get the amount she gets in her spending account. Its a total violation of our agreement. Its like she doesn't know how to read.
I'm talking with my attorney tomorrow. I mean this is just hysterical. I'm speechless.
Hi Scott,
I'm glad you're taking this in stride and pulling in your attorney. You and she are no longer on the same financial team. Your attorney is there to look out for you and ensure you get your due.
I also like the attitude. That you can chuckle is a good thing. Shows me you are starting to truly detach because most LBSs that are overly attached when come here and the rage would come through in their posting.
WWs are the most selfish creatures on the Earth.
I mean at this point, the purpose of our relationship is to allow for the best possible parenting outcome for our children. She doesn't seem to understand that at all. With the BS antics she is pulling and her anger, we're not going to be able to have a relationship and we are not going to be able to co-parent at all.
Its really sad.
This is the third time that she has violated an agreement we had in writing and then she either claims that I am violating something or she just decides she is going to do whatever it is she is going to do.
I probably shouldn't be surprised. She violated her wedding vows by leaving and with the affair. And as I've mentioned, twenty years ago when we met she cheated on her then boyfriend, then she told me it was over with him, and I ran into them at a party together.
For the last 4 years of our marriage she kept saying that "we" were pretending or that scott was pretending to be happy. I'm not a pretender. The best way to know her is to watch what she projects onto others. She's a mess.
I just hope my kids get through this. This past weekend we made permanent happy memories, so that was great. I'll continue to work to make more with them.
I just hope my kids get through this. This past weekend we made permanent happy memories, so that was great. I'll continue to work to make more with them.
They will, no question about it. You just keep doing what you are doing with them. They will remember, wo was there for them...
If you go back a few days of posting, I warned you. All of the signs were there of her turning the D proceedings ugly. This is why I wanted you to prepare yourself for that. It happens in most Ds for a variety of reasons (immoral lawyers, bad advice from friends, one disagreement over a minor issue causing one party to begin reneging or disagreeing on things previously agreed on, etc). Your WAW was showing signs of being capable of turning this ugly, and you are already starting to see that playing out.
Her cheating on her BF (I presume with you) was a huge red-flag. If they will cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. (I may have read this before but for some reason it didn't stick with me until you repeated it here.)
With the BS antics she is pulling and her anger, we're not going to be able to have a relationship and we are not going to be able to co-parent at all.
I am sorry to say Scotty B I tried to warn you that she was not your friend.
You do not have to have a relationship with her to co-parent. Way overblown. School and medical are typically the issues you need to discuss.
With the BS antics she is pulling and her anger, we're not going to be able to have a relationship and we are not going to be able to co-parent at all.
When co-parent isn't possible, parallel-parent. There is a ton of info on the web about it.
Struggling today with the financial aspects of this. Just really hard to review the math and look at what I'm going to owe at the divorce and then on an ongoing basis plus the loan I'll have to take out to buy my business from her and then the payment on that loan. It feels a bit overwhelming and completely unfair, but that doesn't matter. It is what it is. I can't control it so I need to move on.
I coincidently reviewed some notes my STBX had made about our situation that I had read and it really is incredible how what she wrote was almost like a map for me. Her notes on parenting with a narcissist read like instructions on how to deal with her - its just amazing how a lot of it can be applied by me to her. Wild stuff.
Anyhow, I'm in FL, its sunny and hot and I'm going to go play golf right now. One day at a time, focus on what I control and work to make good decisions.
Scott, any chance of selling out the business, splitting it with her (potentially getting a settlement based on that with little or less ongoing support), and then taking your half and building a new business post-D?
I feel for you man, the financial aspect of these things always stink. LBHs get the shaft, and I hate that our system is setup that way. However, you will get through it and at some point down the line be better off, no matter what.
I know a woman who had a very successful business, dozens of employees, etc. and going through a really nasty D. She ended up taking that business into bankruptcy and starting a fresh new business to prevent him from taking half. I'm not sure exactly how it worked but she ported over all her EEs and clients to her new location and business name (which basically did the same thing as the old one).
I guess I'd also be interested to know what the value of the business is without your involvement and what methods are being used to value it. I'm sure your attorney is working out the best possible options for you and I obviously know nothing about your business or your role in it. But, I wonder if you were to look at the scenario Steve lays out-- you sell it and walk away-- that might actually significantly decrease the value of the business if you're not involved anymore, depending on how much of the future success of the business depends specifically on your talent/involvement. And so whether you do that or not it could be a bargaining chip in laying out the numbers and decrease the value of her payout even if you keep it.
Steve - I’m beginning to financially model selling the business versus keeping it. It’s a very challenging decision but that is something I’m looking at. Considering she was never supportive of the business it’s really hard to know she gets half. It would have been different if she were supportive and helped me build it but that was not the case at all.
May22 - my attorney has a case going where a woman did exactly what you are describing. We’ll see how that plays out and make decisions from there.
Well, I am done with this marriage.
Florida was good, I'm not sure the folks here would be very supportive of my trip. I ended up meeting someone, we played golf, hung out on the beach, I had an unbelievable amount of fun, I don't think a woman has complimented me that much in my life, she was gorgeous and sexy and sharp. It made me recognize my value in an incredible way.
It was very hard to come back. Its hard to get back into dad mode. I just want this divorce over with and I want to move on. I'm nervous about the next phase. What my X did to me and my psyche is hard for me to recognize. I'm not sure I'll ever love like I did. I'm not sure I'll ever trust like I did. And I will certainly never give my life away to someone else to let them do what they want with. I'm not sure I'll be open to getting married again, which flies in the face of my more traditional values, but I'm just not sure I can do it - time will tell.
I'm a lot angrier with my X than I was. She came by yesterday and to drop something off for my son and I just wanted her to freaking get out. She called me over the weekend for something with my kids and I text her back. I want nothing to do with her, I want the divorce over with so I can move on.
I've heard a lot of the feedback about getting comfortable being alone and being independent. The spring is breaking and that will help because with more sunlight I'll be able to do more of the things I like to do - but I also like companionship, I think that's pretty natural.
Anyhow, I wanted to post just to keep up.
Hello ScottB. [quote=ScottB]Well, I am done with this marriage.
“ I'm not sure I'll ever love like I did. I'm not sure I'll ever trust like I did. And I will certainly never give my life away to someone else to let them do what they want with. I'm not sure I'll be open to getting married again, which flies in the face of my more traditional values, but I'm just not sure I can do it - time will tell. “
Hello Scott, this quote caught my attention. No, you won’t love again the same way, you would love better again. During all this time while we witnessed our life changing we changed as well. I understand the latest rage with your X, it feels like the camels back bursting rather than breaking , we tied the actions with numbness back in time and now when everything came full circle is when we dare to feel the rage.
Trusting someone who betrayed is on them. As long you know that your imperfections do not harmed the well being of anyone keep walking tall.
Love is something that we shared when we have it on us. Nobody can take anything from us without our consent. Enjoy your spring break, best of luck.
Lucy.
Well, I am done with this marriage.
Uuuuummmm. Do you have a choice?
Florida was good, I'm not sure the folks here would be very supportive of my trip. I ended up meeting someone, we played golf, hung out on the beach, I had an unbelievable amount of fun, I don't think a woman has complimented me that much in my life, she was gorgeous and sexy and sharp. It made me recognize my value in an incredible way.
Feels great doesn't it Scotty B
I just want this divorce over with and I want to move on. I'm nervous about the next phase. What my X did to me and my psyche is hard for me to recognize. I'm not sure I'll ever love like I did. I'm not sure I'll ever trust like I did.
Remember that feelings change all the time.
And I will certainly never give my life away to someone else to let them do what they want with.
This^^^^^^^^
I'm a lot angrier with my X than I was. She came by yesterday and to drop something off for my son and I just wanted her to freaking get out. She called me over the weekend for something with my kids and I text her back. I want nothing to do with her, I want the divorce over with so I can move on.
Yep. They become a sense of major annoyance after awhile.
The feelings that you are having are all normal right now.
Well, I am done with this marriage.
Florida was good, I'm not sure the folks here would be very supportive of my trip. I ended up meeting someone, we played golf, hung out on the beach, I had an unbelievable amount of fun, I don't think a woman has complimented me that much in my life, she was gorgeous and sexy and sharp. It made me recognize my value in an incredible way.
It was very hard to come back. Its hard to get back into dad mode. I just want this divorce over with and I want to move on. I'm nervous about the next phase. What my X did to me and my psyche is hard for me to recognize. I'm not sure I'll ever love like I did. I'm not sure I'll ever trust like I did. And I will certainly never give my life away to someone else to let them do what they want with. I'm not sure I'll be open to getting married again, which flies in the face of my more traditional values, but I'm just not sure I can do it - time will tell.
I'm a lot angrier with my X than I was. She came by yesterday and to drop something off for my son and I just wanted her to freaking get out. She called me over the weekend for something with my kids and I text her back. I want nothing to do with her, I want the divorce over with so I can move on.
I've heard a lot of the feedback about getting comfortable being alone and being independent. The spring is breaking and that will help because with more sunlight I'll be able to do more of the things I like to do - but I also like companionship, I think that's pretty natural.
Anyhow, I wanted to post just to keep up.
Scott, it is your life and you get to make your decisions and choices. So you shouldn't be worried about what the board will approve or disapprove of. You did get dragged through the ringer, no question, and I can understand why you would question everything: love, trust, sharing, etc. That is where IC can help so much. I truly believe that people are the products of their environment around those things. What worked for your parents may or may not work for you. I know my dynamic in my marriage is so much different than the dynamic in my parents'. And I truly believe that is why I struggled for years in my own marriage. Finally finding my own footing through self-discovery, IC, etc has helped me (and my MR) immensely.
I do have to point out that I have seen this movie before. I've had friends that going through rough patches in thier marriages, turn to members of the opposite sex for support. Then a new R started blossoming there and they were "DONE" with their marriage. The problem was that they hadn't fully dealt with the emotional baggage from their MR, so when the R with the new person predictably went bust, then they were back to pining for their EX, and wishing they could R with them. That is why so many refer to looking for solace in other people as a "band-aid". Band-aids cover the wound, not heal it. Healing comes from underneath...from inside.
Scott, the interesting thing is that sometimes once the LBS really moves on, the WAS suddenly starts questioning what they are doing. As you continue to move forward, and to detach, she will start feeling that sense of loss as you being their as her safety net......and that might get her to come around being more open to saving things. That will be your real test about how much you are done with the marriage.
Onward and upward, Scott! You've got this!
Scott,
Remember, you need to detach. Have you noticed your ups and downs? This woman made me feel bad, this woman made feel good. Detach, think, be rational.
Get together with your friends - the guys. Spend some time healing and really learning from your whole sitch.
Another woman is not what you need.
The problem was that they hadn't fully dealt with the emotional baggage from their MR, so when the R with the new person predictably went bust, then they were back to pining for their EX, and wishing they could R with them. That is why so many refer to looking for solace in other people as a "band-aid". Band-aids cover the wound, not heal it. Healing comes from underneath...from inside.
Get together with your friends - the guys. Spend some time healing and really learning from your whole sitch.
Another woman is not what you need.
One of my good friends who I used to play poker with has described me as being on tilt. In poker, when you get emotional after losing a hand they call that Tilt. Its when you stop thinking, start reacting, and begin to make bad emotional decisions. Sometimes it works out, but more often than not you get busted. Which means you lose everything.
Its weird. I'm in a very different place. I don't think about the X much at all. I am no longer pining for her at all. But I am feeling a pull to date other women - I think it is about validation, restoring confidence, companionship, and proving to myself that I'll be all right.
The WAS destroys a person, my WAS destroyed me.
She had an affair and that pain of rejection and betrayal was severe. But I took her back. We went to counseling together and for the next three years she told me everything that was wrong with me, while I simply took her for who she was and accepted her. As I worked to improve myself, she would say she wanted a separation or divorce and any stumble I made or even when I did nothing wrong but she just didn't like something I did, she would use that against me.
As the counselors and her pushed me to share my feelings or to be vulnerable, my WAS would weaponize that against me.
And it didn't all start with the affair, there were things going on before that which had paved the path to break me down.
Unfortunately I can get validation of my value and worth from other women. I haven't had that in 15 years and it feels really good. I should follow the advice of my friends here and I think I can, but the pull the other way is significant and I'm going to fail along the way. I agree that I should probably stop avoiding the situation or something, but I don't know. This is my path to recovery maybe.
As I'm on Tilt, I just need to make good enough decisions that I don't blow myself up.
She had an affair and that pain of rejection and betrayal was severe. But I took her back. We went to counseling together and for the next three years she told me everything that was wrong with me, while I simply took her for who she was and accepted her. As I worked to improve myself, she would say she wanted a separation or divorce and any stumble I made or even when I did nothing wrong but she just didn't like something I did, she would use that against me.
I've seen some people use the "divorce card" like you've described, and it must get very old after a while. Either that's all she has a leverage to control you, or she's looking for the slightest excuse to end the M. She's made the problem and counseling sessions all about you, when in reality, she should take a long look at herself.
I am curious about something. Before the breakdown in the relationship, how would you rate her in verbally validating you?
Well, I am done with this marriage.... I just want this divorce over with....
With that mindset, you might attract her back. Keep that mindset.
I had an unbelievable amount of fun, I don't think a woman has complimented me that much in my life, she was gorgeous and sexy and sharp. It made me recognize my value in an incredible way.
I am sure that is huge boost to your confidence. Woman are attracted to confident guys. I still vividly recall many of my encounters with women that happened shortly after I moved out of the marital home.
I've heard a lot of the feedback about getting comfortable being alone and being independent. The spring is breaking and that will help because with more sunlight I'll be able to do more of the things I like to do - but I also like companionship, I think that's pretty natural.
Nothing wrong with enjoying the company of the opposite sex. The important thing is to be single for an extended amount of time. Do not latch on to someone to make you happy. Get happy being single.
Its hard to get back into dad mode.
This statement concerns me. I believe being dad should be your #1 priority. They need you more right now than you know.
What my X did to me and my psyche is hard for me to recognize. I'm not sure I'll ever love like I did. I'm not sure I'll ever trust like I did. And I will certainly never give my life away to someone else to let them do what they want with. I'm not sure I'll be open to getting married again, which flies in the face of my more traditional values, but I'm just not sure I can do it - time will tell.
Normal. been there, done that.
She came by yesterday and to drop something off for my son and I just wanted her to freaking get out.
This is where setting boundaries may be good. I am a firm believer that parents do too many things for there kids that the kids are fully capable of. Parenting with love and logic was the foundation of my parenting style which was in constant conflict with my X's parenting style of doing everything for my kids. Dropping things at my house that the kids forget etc.
Sandi2:
Her validation was a zero. Matter of fact I had a business coach i was working with in 2015 Who asked “is your spouse supportive in your desire to live your meaningful purpose and if not how are you reconciling that?
My answer at the time was No. I said at that time “she doesn’t see things the way I do. I don’t feel she believes in me and I feel the need to prove to her that I’m in the right path. If I get vulnerable with her she gets defensive, stops listening, And feels attacked.” That was in 2014 and that’s when I began to see the problem and I started trying to work on our marriage by myself. Then I read a book in early 2016 and it had a chapter in emotional affairs. She had a friend and the chapter described their relationship perfectly. From there I pushed for her to end it and they got closer, snuck around more, and finally got caught.
Anyhow, she did worse than not validate me. She doubted me, told me I had made a mistake, and constantly criticized me. Now that business that I built on my own, well she’s going to get a plus $1mm pay day from it.
R2C:
I will be single for some time. I am not looking for a LTR. I have no interest in anything serious. I’m single as single can be and I’m just looking to have fun; hiking, kayaking, dancing, dining or whatever. But NO LTR.
I have divorced friends that seem like they are looking to jump right back in and get married again. That is Insane. I don’t need a woman in my life. But I do like the company.
The crazy thing, as you probably know, is that at 40 I’m figuring out that I’m the hot check at the party from when I was 22. I’m struggling to make sense of that and how to respond. When I was young i had to work to attract women, now I kind of need to turn them down. It’s a wild role reversal and I’m not even out there yet.
It’s a real mind F.
Scotty B
So a couple things.
First I think it’s really important for you to learn to be alone. To me this is the key to the entire process. You tolerated a lot of bad behavior for a long time partly because I think you were afraid to be alone.
I always laugh when newly divorced guys say they want to just date and have fun. Scotty B most middle age women don’t want to just date and have fun. Now I am not saying it’s not possible but most women are not want going to want to be there to amuse you. Nothing wrong with going to parties and hooking up with single women. It’s just not as simple as I want to date and have fun.
When I was young i had to work to attract women, now I kind of need to turn them down. It’s a wild role reversal and I’m not even out there yet.
It’s a real mind F.
Wow, you have my sympathy! That must be really rough having to turn down all of these woman that keep chasing you. (Insert sarcasm emoji here). Lol
DonH: Ha. This is my honest zone. I’m not entirely worried about what people think, and I try to leave it all here. But truth seems to be that 40 year old fit successful men are in short supply.
LH: I agree with you. I’ll be transparent. I have a friend about a year ahead in the process that has talked to me about where it starts and how it changes. We’ll see what happens.
And I do agree, I need to begin to work on really being fine being alone. I haven’t really started that work. Same time, I’ve surrounded myself with people that care and love me. Spring is on its way, which opens up a world of activities. I may be alone, but I’m not alone in nature. I’ll be hiking, biking, running and kayaking very soon.
—————
Today I had to spend some time with the STBX at one of my daughters sporting events. I was there first with my son and she came and sat by us. I didn’t say anything to her because I didn’t have anything to say. After 20 minutes she went to talk to Someone else. It was a 5 hour tournament so on and off I saw her all morning. I didn’t say much to her.
At another point she came up to my son and I and we went to grab lunch in the car. Another time him and I went to get coffee. At one point she was standing next to me, just the two of us, and she went to sit down. I felt like I should follow her but then thought, No, I don’t want to sit next to her. For some reason I felt a little guilty, but whatever.
Then My son was standing next to me and she texted him that she had an open seat next to her. So he turned to me and said “Mom asked me to come sit next to her.” I wasn’t sure what to do with that. He walked over there and then I felt really bad because I felt like I was tearing the kids in two, making them choose (even though I didn’t do it).
Anyhow, at a break I went and sat next to them so my son wouldn’t feel pulled in a direction. I’ll have to continue to think through those interactions for the kids, but I really don’t want to be around her. She’s a very negative influence in my life.
When I was young i had to work to attract women, now I kind of need to turn them down. It’s a wild role reversal and I’m not even out there yet.
It’s a real mind F.
Wow, you have my sympathy! That must be really rough having to turn down all of these woman that keep chasing you. (Insert sarcasm emoji here). Lol
Don, excellent validation!!!
Scott, you should get a sigline with your age and stats.
I would think you should at least say "hello" or "how are you" to your STBXW. You know, acknowledge her. It seems a bit awkward how you have handled it. If you didn't want to talk to her or sit by her, I understand that. Maybe get up and walk away. But if you're going to sit together and not talk then things just look like hell, and people pick up on that. Now, I'm not an advocate for coalescing to every standard society sets, but your kids are there, so you want to set a good example. Do the right thing, in every moment. Remind yourself that the hard thing is often the right thing.
Your kids are going through a tough time. My divorced when I was 16 and I hated it. I couldn't believe it. I thought if me and my brother and sister maybe didn't fight so much that mom and dad wouldn't have fought so much. We had to move, which I hated too. I had a lot of blame for my mom, it took me years to figure that out. Your W is only a negative influence in your life if you allow her to be an influence in your life. You can accept or reject any bit of information. Detach. Take care of your kids!
In my last post I said something like "this woman made me feel this and this woman made me feel that". Don't give up your power so easily. Control your emotions buddy, I know stuff is tough right now but you and I know you are tougher. How you handle this is the most important thing.
So how did the tournament turn out?
Then My son was standing next to me and she texted him that she had an open seat next to her. So he turned to me and said “Mom asked me to come sit next to her.” I wasn’t sure what to do with that. He walked over there and then I felt really bad because I felt like I was tearing the kids in two, making them choose (even though I didn’t do it).
Anyhow, at a break I went and sat next to them so my son wouldn’t feel pulled in a direction. I’ll have to continue to think through those interactions for the kids
All normal. At the events, my kids bounced back and forth between me and their mother, the grandparents, their friends.....
If your X's behavior becomes a pattern and is intentionally trying to pull your S away from you, action may be required. If you are concerned, having a notebook documenting parenting irregularities might be warranted.
In this particular situation, I would have told him to "run quick before someone else sits next to her". It is always best to encourage a good relation between them. Do not stoop to her level if she is intentionally trying to interfere with your relationship with your children.
R2C: I understand the kids bouncing around, but this was kind of weird - that's all.
Overrnbw: I did say hello, I just didn't ask about her new job or anything else, and she didn't really ask me about anything either. I'm just not going to be the one to start and maintain conversations. That's always been my role (to be the one that got the conversation going) and I'm not going to do it with her anymore. That means that its just quiet as she doesn't ask me about anything.
With all the sporting events coming up it is going to continue to be awkward. I'll probably try to find other parents I can sit with and talk to. I don't know, it will work itself out, and I'll try to make it easier on the kids.
I've basically been no contact with the ex outside of short texts about the kids.
I still harbor anger with her. Overall I think I'm doing pretty good. My focus at work is not good. I do feel overwhelmed easily at work. I'm not sad or angry all the time.
I'm definitely still working through things. Since the beginning of the year I've only been in town one weekend when I didn't have the kids. I'd like to begin to make the new normal staying in town when I don't have them.
Its been four months since she moved out. I have a huge mediation session with attorney's this Wednesday which is going to suck.
I continue to eat well and workout hard. I am drinking a little more than I would like. I continue to look forward to spring/summer.
Anyhow, that's the short update.
Good, some of this can be worked through there. All in all in your doing well. The roller-coaster ride doesn't end over night, it stops, and restarts, but hopefully the downs get less of a plummet over time. But you've got this, you are well on your way, the details you sweat through the D process will end up to be minor things in hindsight.
I continue to eat well and workout hard. I am drinking a little more than I would like.
Hi Scott. You say you're eating well. How do you measure that? I can fit in a pint of beer on a heavy workout day, but three would be impossible. I average 3 pints a week. That works for me. If you're not logging alcohol, consider doing so. Noticing how it impacts your nutrition may help you curb it.
Drinking can be avoidance. I think you have a great plan in that you're in IC and planning to get comfortable spending more time at home by yourself. As you own and process your anger, life gets lighter.
Well, in today's IC session the advice I got was to give my expectations of the future a rest - continue to work to stay in the present and focus on controlling the things I can control. Also to give myself space - meaning that I shouldn't be too hard on myself in regards to what I should be able to accomplish right now. This is a season of life and its okay to just get by for now.
As for diet, I have worked with a dietician in the past and I am doing a good job of sticking to my diet plan - so that's how I measure that. EXCEPT for the drinking.
I have always drank a good bit. There was a time where it took it down to almost nothing but over the last year I'm back to 1-2 drinks a night. And on the weekends when I don't have the kids, its hard to say what's going down -BUT I would say I'm with other people. I'm not sitting around at home getting smashed.
As a former alcoholic, I am not a huge fan of drinking. At all. It is too hard to keep it from getting out of control. There is a simple fact that no one ever became an alcoholic if they never took that first drink. 1-2 drinks a night, in my opinion, is a lot. Maybe to you and others it isn't. Here is the question. Can you make the choice tonight to not have 1-2 drinks? If you feel you cannot go with it, if you have cravings when you try, and if you find it difficult to function without it (in other words if it keeps calling to you until you do give in and have a drink), then I would suggest potentially mentioning it in IC.
Scott, I can look at my own life. When I was drinking 30 years ago, I started having a nagging thought in my head that I had a problem. That is how I started to be aware of the problem, is I started to wonder if I did. The fact that you brought it up is a red-flag. You know if you are using alcohol to mask the pain or not. You know if you can make the choice to not drink it at all one night and whether you have cravings and can't stop thinking about it. But I will reiterate that it is worth exploring since YOU were the one that raised it.
I can honestly say that my life, career, and outlook are so much better off without alcohol in my life.
Overrnbw: I did say hello, I just didn't ask about her new job or anything else, and she didn't really ask me about anything either. I'm just not going to be the one to start and maintain conversations. That's always been my role (to be the one that got the conversation going) and I'm not going to do it with her anymore. That means that its just quiet as she doesn't ask me about anything.
With all the sporting events coming up it is going to continue to be awkward. I'll probably try to find other parents I can sit with and talk to. I don't know, it will work itself out, and I'll try to make it easier on the kids.
Just wanted to let you know that I read this and it definitely makes sense then.
over the last year I'm back to 1-2 drinks a night. And on the weekends when I don't have the kids, its hard to say what's going down -BUT I would say I'm with other people. I'm not sitting around at home getting smashed.
I was extremely tempted to hit the bottle during my sitch, but made a deliberate choice to stay sober. I drank water at the bars when I would go out. One night, the free shots temptation got me and ended up drunk at the bar 20 miles from home with parenting responsibilities the next day.
Your X may use your drinking against you during custody negotiations.
I am not a huge fan of drinking. At all. It is too hard to keep it from getting out of control.
It can be hard for anyone to control drinking. Give me 1-2 beers, glasses of wine, shots, etc. and I am in total control. Give me four shots and suddenly I make miserable decisions. Fortunately, I only crave a beer after a race or other major physical victory. Other than that I'll take or leave it. From 1 I don't crave 2, from 2 I don't crave 4. I have had other people nudge me to drink more and occasionally they succeed. I shouldn't do that.
@Scott, if you drink nightly or almost so, maybe consider a month without to see what life is like? People do that all the time with things they *may* be addicted to, from alcohol to soda to coffee. Usually, they emerge with clarity and a better idea of how much of a role they want that substance to play in their life.
As for diet, I have worked with a dietician in the past and I am doing a good job of sticking to my diet plan - so that's how I measure that. EXCEPT for the drinking.
My nutrition coach focuses on if I get the nutrients I need, without too many calories. An IPA runs 250 kcal/pint, DIPAs and Stouts more. If I ate 2000 calories of food plus four beers, it wouldn't be a good diet day "except" the beer, it'd be a bad diet day where I consumed 50% more than I wanted to. I wonder what parameters your dietician put on drinking, and what her thoughts were on your level of drinking.
My dietician said I could have one beer a night.
It does not impact my day to day. I don't get buzzed or drunk. I perceive it as a non issue generally. Some of this is how I was brought up. My grandmother was a two to three scotch per night drinker and so was my grandfather. My dad typically has one to two scotches a night and then shares a bottle of wine with my mom. My brother is a heavy drinker. He hits the bourbon pretty hard and could slow down.
So in my little world a beer or two a night is not a big deal. My Ex used to have about 3/4ers a bottle of prosecco nearly each night - I thought that was a lot. Anyhow, I don't think I have an issue. I love to workout and the days after a night of drinking out mess up my workouts. Those are the kind of things I'm doing more. Going to the bar with friends once a week and drinking more than I feel like I should. But I'm fine with it, its not impacting my life at this time and I'm aware of it.
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I had to talk with my STBXW yesterday because my son is getting close to the edge of appropriateness with girls on his phone. The conversation with her went very well; we stayed focused on my son the entire time.
But I will say, those conversations set me back. Its hard to explain - I guess its like pulling the scab off of a healing wound. Its not nearly as intense as the initial cut but it does do damage. The last two nights I've had dreams about her - I don't recall what they were about it. I think I'm doing good moving forward but those interactions remind me where I am. Also, mediation got canceled for today, which was nice since I was dreading it. Next session in two weeks.
I'm fine with it, its not impacting my life at this time and I'm aware of it.
I'll take your word on that. We're of course 1,000,000 miles away--or next door? The Internet.
The conversation with her went very well; we stayed focused on my son the entire time.
Great, a productive conversation about your son's issue, without getting angry or blaming it on the D. That's definitely a step forward along the path to detachment.
I guess its like pulling the scab off of a healing wound. Its not nearly as intense as the initial cut but it does do damage.
It may never entirely go away, but as you say it'll morph from a gaping wound, to a scab, to a small scar. Glad you're at the "scab" phase already where it hurts a bit less than the "gaping wound" phase.
My dietician said I could have one beer a night.
It does not impact my day to day. I don't get buzzed or drunk. I perceive it as a non issue generally. Some of this is how I was brought up. My grandmother was a two to three scotch per night drinker and so was my grandfather. My dad typically has one to two scotches a night and then shares a bottle of wine with my mom. My brother is a heavy drinker. He hits the bourbon pretty hard and could slow down.
So in my little world a beer or two a night is not a big deal. My Ex used to have about 3/4ers a bottle of prosecco nearly each night - I thought that was a lot. Anyhow, I don't think I have an issue. I love to workout and the days after a night of drinking out mess up my workouts. Those are the kind of things I'm doing more. Going to the bar with friends once a week and drinking more than I feel like I should. But I'm fine with it, its not impacting my life at this time and I'm aware of it.
Family history is actually really important to pointing to genetics around addiction. I have a preceding family member that was an alcoholic and committed suicide. Just another reason I am determined to never ever touch the stuff again.