My husband is a lunatic! - DivorceBusting.com

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I honestly have no idea what to do right now... I don't even have the strength to carry the weight that I'm oppressed with.

My normally amazing husband snapped in May of 2020, after selling our business, relocating, and a major injury of mine. Words of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" quickly arose, along with claims that our marriage has always been bad, that I've given him a life of "trauma", and then a rapid move to researching divorce attorneys. He has been caught in the guilt of it all and hasn't been able to pull the trigger.

I have been watching and waiting for something to change. He seems deep in withdrawal, getting so bad that he won't even look at me naked anymore (and I'm a beautiful woman)! I would have let him leave months ago, but we have 4 beautiful young children, and I can't imagine their world crushed, their psyches damaged and destined to repeat this sickness with divorces in the future, just as my husband is repeating his own parents' fate. I can't even fathom having them every other weekend, or court battles. I'm scared!

There's an obsession developing with another woman, as well. Not love, but limerence. She feeds him with videos about narcissists and he actually believes it describes me, as he runs from me and locks me out of our bedroom, and refuses to take accountability for the damage he is creating. He wants me to apologize for everything bad I've ever done, and I HAVE. I've taken the blame and said he's right, and it's still not enough.

He's waiting for something to happen in business, and once it does, he plans on filing for divorce. How? HOW can I prevent this? When will it end? When does withdrawal end? When will it be ok? How bad will it get? Will he lose interest in this stupid woman? Will he ever come back to his senses?

I've been watching the youtube video every day about not taking it personally, and pretending it's going to be okay. It's not OK! I want my husband back. This is lunacy! He is so, so sick. He's putting his own fantasy of escape and happiness before our own children, claiming that he loves them, and I'm doing this. How can I make it through this, my friends? What can I do?

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Originally Posted by cry4help

I honestly have no idea what to do right now...husband snapped in May of 2020..... How can I make it through this, my friends? What can I do?

Hi there,

Sorry to read about your situation (Sitch). You have found a good place for support with people that have experience similar.

First, you make it through this one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time if needed. The more you stay in the present ,the better. Do you best to let go of thoughts from the past and fear of the future.

One thing most of us here agree on is that we can't control other people, only ourselves. We can control how we behave, interact and respond.

When I was going through my sitch, I focus my energy on reading. Working on personal growth. My number one job was being Dad.

Listening and validating his beliefs is one of the best tools you have. You will have to fight every urge in your body to argue with him.

Things that work are counter-intuitive. When in doubt, do nothing and come here for ideas.

I wish you well during this most difficult time.

HUGS

Cry4help,

Read all of the threads sent by Cadet, especially Sandi's Rules. Do not beg, plead, cry or fight with him at the moment. All counter intuitive. We are all in the same boat and have made the same mistakes. Most importantly, please remember that you cannot control his actions. If he has made up his mind to leave the M then all you can do is give him space and start working on yourself.

Originally Posted by Ready2Change

Listening and validating his beliefs is one of the best tools you have. You will have to fight every urge in your body to argue with him.

Things that work are counter-intuitive. When in doubt, do nothing and come here for ideas.

This is very important early on, because what we WANT to do in this situation is what might have worked for us in the past when our relationship wasn't injured.

Right now, your relationship is not healthy so what used to work during conflicts will not now. Read everything in the welcome post above. When you don't know what to do, just excuse yourself from the situation with non-committal words and then ask for help here, like R2C said above.

You might be close to losing him, or you may have already lost him. Right now it is hard to tell because you will only be getting half-truths from him. That's normal.

I hope that your read of the situation between him and this other person is accurate, and that they have not started an affair. When a marriage reaches that stage, it is very difficult.

Listen, no matter what happens to your marriage YOU will be OK. No matter what happens to your marriage, your kids will be OK. It will take time, but you will be. And your kids will be.

Breathe. Look up 4x4 or box breathing online and use conscious breathing exercises.

There are no quick solutions to this, so try to prepare for this to take a long time. It's scary, but it will be OK.

Hey Cry,

I'm sorry you are here. Try and listen to the advice given here as we have all or are all going through it. You will be ok. We aren't just telling you that. I know you are scared. Fear stinks. Stay in the moment - deep breaths. Drink water. Don't allow your thoughts to go too far out, as you don't really know what's going to happen next.

It's all so shocking, but it will not always feel like this. We are here for you. Journal here often. Don't share this site or the MWD book with your H - this place is for you.

As mentioned above - it will feel counterintuitive but the absolute best thing you can do right now is to NOT argue, plead or try and talk your H out of this. Words will not work. If they did we would give you a script.

Just focus on what you need to do for yourself to make it today.
Rest. Eat. Exercise if you are able (it really does help - a nice walk if that's all you can handle).

You will be ok. (((((hugs)))

Breathe! Take one minute, one hour and then one day at a time. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. You can only control yourself and how you react to his behavior. Try to remain as calm as you can. When speaking to him, keep your voice calm and look him in the eye. You've apologized...you don't need to do that again.

When you have the time, visit the MLC Forum. You may just discover that your h is on the Mother Ship w/the rest of the crew that has had a switched flipped in record time.

I know that this is going to be difficult for you, but please try to keep the focus on you as much as possible.

Originally Posted by cry4help

I honestly have no idea what to do right now... I don't even have the strength to carry the weight that I'm oppressed with.

Here you will find a group of people who are in various stages of the journey you are just beginning. This is going to be difficult, maybe the most difficult thing you've ever been through. But you will survive it and probably even thrive afterwards. Just take a deep breath and understand that you have the gift of time.

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My normally amazing husband snapped in May of 2020, after selling our business, relocating, and a major injury of mine. Words of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" quickly arose, along with claims that our marriage has always been bad, that I've given him a life of "trauma", and then a rapid move to researching divorce attorneys. He has been caught in the guilt of it all and hasn't been able to pull the trigger.

This is not at all uncommon. He's torn between his current life and his fantasy life. Your job is to remove all pressure from him. Pull back and give him time and space. No R talks! LBS's all feel like they have to do something to put the M "back to normal" but it's not that simple. Please try and embrace this idea- doing nothing can be very effective in these situations.

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I have been watching and waiting for something to change.

Don't watch or wait, because it will drive you crazy. Start working on your own life without him, even if you're still under the same roof. Get out and GAL. Become more independent.

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I would have let him leave months ago, but we have 4 beautiful young children, and I can't imagine their world crushed, their psyches damaged and destined to repeat this sickness with divorces in the future, just as my husband is repeating his own parents' fate. I can't even fathom having them every other weekend, or court battles. I'm scared!

Keep your focus on the kids, help them through these struggles, get them into counseling if they need it. This will be a tough time for them but they will come through it OK with the help of you and your H. I had the same concerns about my 3 kids but they are all doing fantastic now. And despite my XW and I never reconciling, we have a strong relationship with each other and with our kids. It's been 10 years for me and our kids are now grown and building successful careers. One is engaged to be married later this year.

Quote

There's an obsession developing with another woman, as well. Not love, but limerence. She feeds him with videos about narcissists and he actually believes it describes me, as he runs from me and locks me out of our bedroom, and refuses to take accountability for the damage he is creating. He wants me to apologize for everything bad I've ever done, and I HAVE. I've taken the blame and said he's right, and it's still not enough.

If you've apologized then no need to keep doing so. Learn about listening and validating, validating is much more powerful than apologizing. And the beauty of validation is you're listening to him and acknowledging his feelings without taking personal blame or responsibility for them.

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He's waiting for something to happen in business, and once it does, he plans on filing for divorce. How? HOW can I prevent this?

You can't prevent D, it only takes one person. Your goal is to make a life for yourself, and then way down the road when he comes out of the tunnel and looks at you, he'll find a strong, independent person that he can't resist being attracted to again.

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When will it end? When does withdrawal end? When will it be ok? How bad will it get? Will he lose interest in this stupid woman? Will he ever come back to his senses?

It will probably take you 1-2 years to recover. Some recover faster, some slower. But you WILL recover. He will probably lose interest in OW, but it's likely there will be another and another after that. So you're not in a waiting game where that will fizzle and then things will be "normal" again. Your old normal is gone and you've got to build your "new normal".

(((hugs))) Cry, I'm sorry you're here. Do to you have someone to talk to? Someone that you've confided in about you situation? We are all here for you. The advice you are getting is spot on. H is going to do what he wants. The best thing I ever did was LET GO.... and let my XH figure himself out. I listen to him like I was a therapist. He had no interest in going to talk to someone, or trying to work things out... he had already checked out... and later I found out of OW/xgf.

I was standing for at least a year...let him go... acted as if... and it got me through many days. I became a better me, became more independent, healthier and gave in when he wanted to proceed with a divorce. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. And I wouldn't want to be in a loveless relationship. It's hard, one of the hardest times in your life. You will be okay no matter what. It takes time... one day at a time.

Find someone to talk to. You need all the support you can get. I was a chicken and didn't talk to anyone for a long time, as it was easy to hide what was going on, but in hiding, I was hurting. Thankful that I have this forum for sure.

Take care of YOU. And your kids. You are strong. YOU WILL be okay.

((( )))

AnotherStander you mentioned you're remarried. Is it ever possible that a second marriage can be as good as, or better than the first? Do you and your children still carry around so much baggage? How did you know you were ready for marrying again?

Hi Cry, welcome. Sorry you are going through this. Most of us can relate to what you are going through.

Cry, I see you are struggling with wrapping your head around the whys: Why is this happening? Why is he doing this? Why does it have to be so upsetting? Why does it have to cause so much turmoil?

That is one of the biggest struggles we all go through. But here is the thing, the reasons do not matter. Nor will they help you. I know this is hard to hear, it was for me as well. When my most recent situation happened I struggled with the whys too, and then I had someone point out one simplistic, yet so profound, answer. And that is that he is simply trying to be happy. Why he wasn't happy no one can tell you, but the fact that he is doing all of this is in an effort to be happy.

So cry, I love your last question: "How can I make it through this, my friends? What can I do?"

The first thing you can do is come to the understanding that you are going to be ok. When you are thick in the despair of your situation it is hard to think ahead to 3, 6 9 months from now, or even a year or two from now, and realize that you are going to be ok! And if you think about it, you have no other choice. We live in an imperfect world. We do not get to decide the choices others make. Your H is making these choices, and there is nothing you can do about that. It is very similar to if he were to pass away. You wouldn't be able to change the fact that he were gone, but you DO get to decide how to move forward! And there really is no other choice to make. Remaining stuck in one place for too long is never healthy. So whether he leaves you, or whether he were to pass away, you should mourn the loss for a period of time....then pick yourself up and move forward! Likely there are other people in your life that need you, and it wouldn't be fair to them to remain stuck in a prolonged period of paralysis.

Second, once you realize that you are going to be ok, that you need to be ok at some point, the question is: how do you get there? First you start by taking your focus off of him, and onto yourself. Easier said than done, isn't it? But this is really a key piece to moving forward. This is going to be a culture shock for both you and him. But once you start focusing on yourself (and we'll talk about how you do that in a minute), then that culture shock will help you get over the fact that your MR is ending, and get you to a place where you realize that it is going to be much better than you could imagine it being right now! And it also means that he may not like the fact that you are moving on without him and suddenly decide to change his mind. You do not do it for that reason, but it could have that result. It has happened, though it isn't a guarantee.

In order to move forward you start instituting DB principles. Do not start R talks. When he does listen and validate. Do not accept disrespect, if he starts to get disrespectful you calmly but firmly end the conversation. GAL! Start living a life that others find interesting! Be busy, reconnect with old friends (preferably same sex friends), pick up old hobbies you may have moved away from, and take up things you've always wanted to do! 180 on any bad behaviors you have. Get into IC to cement these changes. If you are overly critical, work on that. If you are a pushover, work on that. Whatever your weaknesses are, figure them out, and work to correct them. Become the best version of yourself you can be! And finally learn to be lovingly detached. Get to a place of evenness emotionally, where he doesn't have as much control over what you think and feel. This starts by learning and knowing your own worth! Don't let your worth be dictated by other people.

One other point, Cry. Look back at your MR pre-BD. Did he have problems? Were you as happy as you could have been? BD has a way of making us, the LBS, romanticize that our MR was perfect before BD, when it wasn't. I know I was miserable in my own MR leading up to BD. If I am truthful there were many times when I almost initiated my own BD to my W! Yet after BD, I was consumed with trying to save it. While you may not have been as unhappy as I was leading up to BD, can you look back truthfully to say your MR was all you wanted it to be? I ask this because while the WAS will rewrite history that the marriage was always bad (yours did that), we often see LBSs rewriting history about how wonderful their MR and their WAS was too. I see you call him "my normally amazing" husband. Is that accurate? (Not a questions necessarily to be answered, but for you to ponder.)

Great post Steve85

Originally Posted by cry4help

No I am not remarried, you may have read where I mentioned my daughter is engaged and thought I meant myself. I have a girlfriend, we've been dating around 6 years now but it's a long-distance relationship so we only see each other about once a month. We do have a wonderful relationship though, we have a lot of common interests and do some really fun stuff together.

I would say my kids and I don't carry any baggage over the D, we've all healed from it and moved on I think. It was a struggle for a couple of years though. We talk a lot about "cake eating" around here and not to let it happen, but I will say that I think my XW and I continuing to do things together with the kids (birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, sometimes a lunch or dinner out) was instrumental in our kids accepting the D more easily, because despite the status of our relationship, we showed them that we were still united in support of them. It may not work for everyone but I feel like it did for us.

This week, my husband has seemed to have a change of heart. Says he wants us to get better, and has been smiling at me, touching me, and playing with the kids, and we made love. Whereas before, he was avoiding me, repulsed by me, and abandoning responsibility.

It's only been 18 months since our selling the business, and 6 months since bomb drop, but he HAS been going through some intense counseling. Could it be even remotely possible that he is nearing the other side of the u-shape this early?

I do believe that he wants things to get better, but he also has not taken any accountability, or recognized his hurtful comments. He has said that he just wants us to be nice to each other. He is still looking at OW facebook page a dozen times a day. I don't think he has ever acted on this limerence, but he is utterly obsessed. It's a fight between what feels good in his mind, and what is good, as in doing the right thing.

All in all, the scenario is not worse. I'm just trying to read where he is on this nightmarish journey. Any thoughts from you pros?

I have merged your two threads together. Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies.

Originally Posted by cry4help

Any thoughts from you pros?

I don't believe I am a pro, but I will give you my 2 cents.

Originally Posted by cry4help

I'm just trying to read where he is on this nightmarish journey

I tell poster that they are using the wrong measuring stick when they are trying to determine where they are in the journey based on the behavior of their spouse.

The true measuring stick is how the poster is behaving. How they are interacting. How they are changing their behavior for the better.

Those that have been successful learn new ways of interaction. Until the spouse expresses true remorse, I would be very cautious as you move forward. Enjoy the positive interactions. Setting and enforcing boundaries is very important. Do your research and learn this important skill.